BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 214 - Belfast Emergency Bonus!

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

The boys are on tour in Belfast and on holiday, so here is some emergency correspondence from The Past! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, it's an emergency Bud Pod. Pierre is on holiday in Portugal. Arriba la cucaracha! And Phil is in Belfast, don't you know. Is that right? I guess we'll find out. We're in Belfast on tour at the moment. So we're unable to record a juicy fresh pod this week. But fear not, we have in reserve an emergency pod full of some great correspondence for your listening pleasure. From yesteryear. It was only a couple of weeks ago. No, but the podcast is from yesteryear.

The podcast. The correspondence. Oh, yeah. It's old-ass correspondence. Yeah. It's your old ass stinky poo poo letters So enjoy And normal service will resume shortly

Bye, enjoy It's another emergency Correspondence special Bad pod episode thing Beel, beel, beel Emergency Pod not found Beel, beel, beel

Activating emergency correspondence special Beel, beel Ah, that seems to have done it. Hello, everybody. It was quite sort of a... I'm trying to put in a Doppler effect as if you're running around the melting power plant. Oh, I see.

It sounded like you were doing that thing where it's like Budpod Emergency auto-tuned Remix Oh right, no I was trying to do Sort of Chernobyl-esque Alarm Emergency What is

The worst siren for you? The ones that go like do they happen in maybe europe they go yeah i i i really like french police car sirens how do those go like that yeah maybe we're the ones who have the I associate it with some parts of America where it goes like It's weird though. Is that like a special different button for like extra signal? I think that one's like, yeah, a brief one, isn't it? It's kind of like the equivalent of a horn.

It's just Yeah. Yeah. one's like yeah a brief one isn't it it's kind of like the the equivalent of a horn yeah yeah or as they sort of pull in well we used to we used to do that joke about bow of like that sort of one sort of when we were in america yeah the single a police yeah american police cars all look like they're toys. They all look like they're designed by 15-year-olds. Yeah, lots of sort of decals. Police in, like, 2000s word art along the side.

Yeah, or sort of slightly futuristic with sort of extra little lines around them and stuff. Yeah. Like, watch watch out these police could have lasers whereas um european police all kind of look the same really well it depends if they're police or gendarmerie guys then they just look like the military but they're always in like little iddy like smart cars yeah They're very hard to take seriously Yeah

They've got some pretty sweet hats going on If you're in Italy, say Yeah, little postman pet hats Yeah, yeah, yeah Driving around in a smart car Down an ancient road They all dress a bit like The concierges at the Grand Budapest Hotel or something.

There is an element of that, yeah. Yeah, and the French police sometimes have those little peaked hats like they're sort of people who work in a tank in World War II. Well, we've got some correspondence to read now. You didn't come here for a breakdown of European police uniforms, although that does seem like a topic this podcast would cover.

But not today. Today we dive in once more to the heaving brown sack of our correspondence. We descend the ladder into the sewers of madness We dive in like Scrooge McDuck Into our huge Olympic sized pool of correspondence Yeah And we find ourselves something from Amy Amy

Don't blame me For loving your correspondence So it's Tash Tat Tash Tat, like mustache So Amy says Hi Peas and Poos This was located in my friend's WC Ah, the Water Closet

Where I was trying to poo quickly enough That I might only have been in there for a sizable pee. Yes, threading the needle. Yeah, yeah. What is the point at which someone can fairly assume you're doing a poop? How many mins are we talking? Three plus. Yeah, you don't have much time, do you?

You really don't have much time. If it's not in the chamber ready to go If it's not ready to leave Gosh It's terrible isn't it? Or if you've got some sort of Terrible clean up scenario Yeah you can You can buy yourself some extra time

By running the tap a bit yeah or like shouting where is the where is the flush I can't find the flush you do after one minute you know as a poo you just go I can't find the flush

where's the flush where's the floor So for me to stand up Because I'm done but I can't find the floor Do you Just things that will distract them Yeah

Was your door always this colour And they go Did we repaint it so our sympathy amy we've all been there trying to really just fully activate your core muscles and fire that thing out like a shotgun slug but then also keeping it quiet yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like an assassination yeah yeah

exactly it's like when an assassin like shoots someone and then runs to catch the body so the body doesn't make a sound that's what you've got to do or they shoot them through a pillow you shit on a pillow. You shit on a pillow and slide it in.

Anyway. I also thought that maybe announcing that I hope they didn't mind... Oh, sorry. She's referring to the sign that was located in her friend's toilet. Okay. I also thought that maybe announcing that I hope they didn't mind me taking a photo of it for your enjoyment might suggest that that's why i'd taken longer than the average pee only toilet visit can i take a picture of this poster that's good i need i need to use like an old school gunpowder one so it might take a while and you might hear an explosion

and there'll be lots of smoke and a flash it's my smell of sulfur and shit i use shit too um i i didn't really i i lost track of where i was in the email so i thought she was saying i'd take a picture of it for your enjoyment. I was like, what, your massive shit? Anyway, you have to be very specific yelling from someone else's toilet. Do you mind if I take a picture for my friends? That's your shit. So that's good. So she thought that might suggest, well, that's why I'd taken longer than the average pee-only toilet visit.

That's good. So she thought that might suggest, well, that's why I'd taken longer than the average pee-only toilet visit. Brackets. Rather than the terrible, terrible truth that I had done an ordinary poo in the generally preferred location. That is terrible. That is terrible. What a monster. Yeah.

Good luck reading the latter sentence. What a mess. God, how embarrassing. Praise as ever redacted, Koji Aimee. Lovely. So this is the God, how embarrassing. Praise as ever redacted Koji Aimee. Lovely. So this is the poster, Phil. Okay. Poster in Aimee's friend's bathroom.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Life is like a... And it's a picture of a mustache. Okay. Life is like a mustache. Yeah. It's like the mustache that hipsters got tattooed on their fingers for about six months, if you remember that. Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The kind of... Pringles can. Yeah, runs a saloon in a western. Totally. Jasperilla! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life is like a mustache. It can be blank or blank But it always blank

Wow Life is like a moustache It can be blank or blank It can be good or bad Basically, yeah I'll give you a small oi oi oi for that Okay, okay Because there's synonyms of good and bad

But it's always fun Crucial grammar point. But it's always fun. Crucial grammar point here. But it always blank. We're in verb town, my friend. Okay. It can be good or bad. But it always rocks.

Life is like a mustache, remember? But it always tickles. Yes. Wow. It always tickles What does that mean So what are the first two Wonderful or terrible Okay wonderful or terrible What a wonderful mustache

What a terrible mustache But life always tickles How does life tickle It's funny It doesn't always tickle If you does life tickle? How does life always tickle? It doesn't always tickle. If you've been fighting as a rebel soldier in the jungles of Colombia for decades, I don't know,

I guess spiders and leaves tickle you a bit. El Capitan, I cannot take it anymore. What aspect of it? The fear? The pain? The tickling. It's the tickling. Life, it tickling. Is the tickling. Life it tickles.

Just remember, life is like a mustache. It can be wonderful or terrible, but it always tickles. And then the soldier puts his hand on his commander's forehead. Oh, he's burning up. El Capitan is loco. El Colonel is loco el colonel is loco i i really wish we recently not according to whenever this comes out listeners but recently according to our lives cover the el salvadorian mega prison oh yeah el mega carcel el salvador hopefully we'll have come back into

the into the discourse recently. Yeah. But it's made me really wish I could properly speak Spanish. It's fun. Yeah, it is a fun language. And it's actually written phonetically almost entirely. Right, exactly. Yeah, it feels achievable.

Yeah, it does. It does. Sí. Sí. Es dos. Es achievable. Could be. Yeah, that sounds right.

Could be. It could be. Could be. Who knows? We've got a tat submission here from Piers. Piers. Piers Novelli. Piers Morgan. It's Piers. Piers. Piers Novelli. Piers Morgan.

It's Piers. Piers. I was called Piers for much of my childhood because people couldn't understand my accent when I said my name was Pier. Pier. Pier. Pier.

Piar. Piers. Cheers for getting in touch, Piers. Dear Phil McPierpierrin what is that i think that's a the the the joke uh name you use for prank calls phil mccracken ah yeah i think it's a good one phil mccracken is excellent yeah phil mccracken also if you want to go uh excellent yeah for mccracken also if you want to go uh from years ago like 20 years ago i remember one of many fake sort of vaguely arabic sounding names you leak madik you leak madik yeah you leak you leak you leak it don't you why don't you leak it you leak a madik I like it very much. Some tat for you from a shopping centre in Crawley.

Crawley. The first one is your standard wood on string number. Oh yeah. The sort of we converted a barn vibe. Yeah. The second one seems

to me quite unnerving. I'll show it to you once you can guess it um so the classic wood on string number is it gray yes of course of course curly white writing yeah of course of course Good friends are like bras. Okay. Dot, dot, dot. Yep. Blank, never leave you blank, make you look blank, and are always close to your blank. Blank. Okay.

Friends are like bras. Blank. Never leave you blank Make you look blank Yep And are always close to your blank Okay so the last one is they're always close to your heart Always make you look good Yep And the first is

Blank So what's the first sentence? Good friends are like bras. Blank never leave you blank. They're not connected. Okay. The first blank is a standalone adjective. Oh, they never leave you unsupported?

Yeah, they never leave you hanging. And the first one is good friends are like Browse supportive So I'll give you that So this second one It is so Unsettling That I'm just going to tell you what it is Because I just want to show it to you

It's just You'll see what it is But the message on it is Together is my favourite place to be yuck it's not a place let's go to together together is my favourite place to be

horrible how would you describe that haunted fucking object it's like three planks of wood so together is on the top plank is my favourite, the second plank place to be, third plank but they're all posted onto a sort of mud a mud pillar yeah it's fucking it's post-apocalyptic it's like something you'd find in the wasteland and mad max yeah they're sort of supposed to be like charming little signs they're not full-size planks and someone's carved crudely carved a kind of

wicker man-esque rabbit and bear yeah yeah they're horrible they're sort of dead-eyed leaning on the together is my favorite place to be this is very much in the same family as find your awesome or whatever yes i've... We cannot simply abandon all rules of grammar because you think it's cute. I've been getting angry at the Cheltenham Festival posters in my tube station that have still not been taken down. What do they say? It is literally something like,

experience your good. It is just fucking gibberish. It makes me sick. It shouldn't be allowed. It shouldn't be allowed. Message from... Well, they haven't signed it off, so... Maybe they want to be anonymous.

There's no reason for them to be anonymous, but I'll just assume. Okay. Maybe they want to be anonymous There's no reason for them to be anonymous But I'll just assume Okay Hello girthy Spod-tatoes Girthy spod-tatoes Okay Spod-tatoes I hope losing the flesh is going to plan Oh yeah this is you losing your

Christmas flesh at the gym I wondered when the first known tat was seen or unearthed. Yes. Of the history of tat. Tat Zero. What was Tat Zero? Live, Laugh, Love is the sort of Don Quixote of tat. It is the one that started it all.

But what was the Beowulf? Ah, good question. They say, I wonder if any Porians or arseologists know i reckon the beowulf was well maybe this is the cave paintings actually of tat it's people writing themselves little inspirational reminders like you got this on a on a post-it you know know? Yeah. Putting it on a cork board or something. Yeah, they must... I wonder if they're... There is someone famous from the past who put sort of quotes and things to remember

on their sort of door of their office. Yeah. Fuck, who is that? I bet you it's like a philosopher or someone. Right. How did people find out about Oscar Wilde's quotes? Well, there was the buck stops here. I bet you it's like a philosopher or someone Right How did people find out about Oscar Wilde quotes? Which president had the buck stops here?

Eisenhower That's kind of tatty That's the start of some tat That's like, you know, this is my kitchen Get back to the golf course or whatever Yeah, and that's 1950s Right, there you go that's pretty good this goes all the way to the tat goes all the way to the top here yeah yeah yeah the Illumatati as women our life stages come with unique risk factors like high blood pressure developed during

pregnancy which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke know your risks visit heartandstroke.ca um well this person says i just watched an episode of friends which was from one of the mid-series i think the coffee board at central at Central Perk is Tattatac Central. Ah. And what year would this have been? Late 90s? Yeah.

Must have been. Yeah. I'm glad I can't read it as it's all too blurred in the background. But there is, for example, blend while you spend. Hmm. Brackets. I mean, surely they're blending and you're spending, just as a starting comment on that spending It doesn't make any sense at all And then they say

Something blurry Quote blurry blurry blurry But you won't need that after this cup of joe Right I feel like these might have had a little more Intrigue to them They sound more complex. More mysterious.

Well, they were come up with by writers, maybe. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So was Central Perk the original tat? Well, I think Eisenhower... Eisenhower's The Buck Stops Here is probably the first... The first of, of like modern tat that's the beginning of modern tat

modern tatology I would be happy with that I would be happy with that I yeah someone told me that cup of joe was racist oh really?

I'm gonna look this up right now. Take a look. Etymology, Joe Coffey. It might have been your old friend and mine, Will Wiener. It had said that. Yeah, maybe that was him. It looks like one of these things no one really knows. It looks like one of these things no one really knows.

Possibly a shortening of cup of jamoke from Java and mocha put together. Jamoke. Jamoke. Cup of jamoke. Eh? Yeah, it doesn't... Not very convincing. Everything to do with coffee is gibberish. Yeah.

Cup of mud. Cup of mud. That makes more sense. Here are three leading theories on the origin of the term Cup of Joe. One, Secretary of the Navy in 1913, Josephus Daniels, prohibited alcohol aboard naval vessels leading to more coffee consumption. It's alright.

I don't love it. Number two. It's a shortened version of two other slang terms for coffee. Java and jamoke. That's not convincing either. Then third theory. Coffee is considered a common man drink and Joe is considered a common

man name. That's the most compelling to me to be honest yeah joe soap joe soap right our joe blogs yeah joe blogs yeah maybe none of them are particularly racially inflammatory though yeah none of them are unless they've unless they've unless they've been uh omitted from the accepted theories for that very reason. Yes, that's true. Well, we'll keep an eye on it. Yeah. We will endlessly keep an eye on all language. In a never-ending vigil,

the likes of which the great Trappist monks would shiver at. No words slip by us in the night. What? Let's see. I'm hoping... Oh, yes. Oh, no. See, I've got to be careful. This one we actually read on the Patreon

Oh okay Be vigilant Hold Hold the line I've always wanted to be in a group of A group of men who've been told to hold the line I wish it I'd love to be told to hold the line

Yeah, so dramatic Yeah This is from Emily Hold the line. I wish it. I'd love to be told to hold the line. Yeah. So dramatic. Yeah. Sorry. This is from Emily. Emily. What a gem you are. Dear Piddle and Puddle.

That's sweet. I've just finished listening to episode 69. Nice. Yeah. I've just finished listening to episode 69 Nice Yeah Where you mention how the intelligence of humankind Has still not discovered the perfect Ring cleaning method Ring cleaning method, which ring?

Oh, on your hand, the bum Yeah I think that's probably right Well, I mean, water is probably the best You know, the Which is what, is it in the Arab world? Yeah.

In the Indian subcontinent? Washing the water is the best. What if you're not in a hot, dry country where your bum's not evaporating? Hmm. Well, in Japan, they have the special toilets that should eject water,

and that's quite a cold country. Yeah, but they've got a blow dryer there yeah i think they do actually so you gotta go whole hog robot bog apparently the ancient hindus thought well i don't know how ancient this could be but the old they thought it was propaganda they thought it was propaganda when they were told that the westerners used paper to wipe their bums because they thought it was so horrible yeah they're like well that's obviously just prejudice hey come on man don't say that that's not cool but then like even if you squirt some water on your bum crack you gotta pat it dry i think you still need the paper right yeah yeah or maybe or dysyson needs to come up with a new shape of air blade.

Yeah, Dyson bum blade. The bum blade. Just a single sort of blade, a single blade of air that just goes right between your cracks and pushes the moisture out. You've got to be careful, otherwise you'll just end up Dyson airblading little flecks of shit all up into your whole business but maybe it's just attached to the

wall of the cubicle and you finish your poop you get the jet of water and you get up still with your pants around your ankles and you sort of aim your butt against the bum blade and you kind of do a slow motion kind of twerk yeah yeah can you picture this yeah yeah you do a slow motion kind of twerk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you picture this? Yeah, yeah. Like a slow motion slut drop. Yeah. While this thing goes... Yeah, that's it. Horrible.

Dystopian. So, Emily says, this reminded me of a harrowingly embarrassing poo story and I simply had to mail it in. Okay. I've always thought toilet paper is surely not the answer to a sullied arse. A sullied arse. Is this the answer?

Looking at a piece of toilet paper. Is this it? There must be another way. Upon my travels through Asia, I was grateful for the bum sprays, the hose next to the toilet, and the days of repeatedly stroking my arsehole with scratchy material felt like a distant memory. Yeah, yeah. However, my first

experience with such a hose came at quite the unfortunate time. I was, at the time, building a flirty rapport with a handsome Irish man. Oh! He fell in love with an Irish man. Fell in love with an Irish man then you had to go poo into a pan.

That's what happened. When the overwhelming urge to release my bowels overcame me. My rectum was full. It was now or never. Okay, here we go. I quickly excused myself and rushed to the appropriate facility. Let me set the scene.

These toilet... This is funny. These toilets serve no gender. No gender or no agenda? No gender. No gender, okay. Or agenda. So cubicles were enjoyed by every member

And a shared sink was positioned outside the stalls Yes, I know the ones you mean I entered the safe haven and liberated my insides Having eaten a somewhat inordinate and unusual diet in the past 24 hours It meant that the mass movement was less than solid And issued a foul stench so offensive it spoiled the relaxing atmosphere Of the toilet of pooing. Let it be known

it was a messy affair Let it be known Yeah Yeah Once I was sure the contents of my rectum had been emptied and my anus securely sealed Sealed

Bolt locked Yeah. I proceeded to search my anus securely sealed. Sealed? Bolt locked. Yeah. I proceeded to search for the loo roll. No such amenity was there. My eyes fell upon a strange hose-like device which sprayed a rather thick stream of water. Naturally, I assumed, this was the answer. Naturally, yeah.

So spreading my cheeks open with one hand, I bent over over took position with the hose between my legs and upwardly sprayed my anus okay oh okay i can see where this is going to go badly yeah confirmed a western naivety i'm sure many have shared as soon as the water hit my bottom i realized my mistake spraying upward released the runny poo sludge to project skyward like a fountain like he's playing in a fountain. A poopy fountain. The diluted excrement not only plastered the surrounding boundaries.

It's funny. Surrounding boundaries. Surrounding boundaries. Including up my back and hair. Oh no! You just fired the shotgun of turd water up your own back. Like a baby. Fucking hell.

Up my back and hair, but also soared above the partition into the adjacent cubicle. No. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, was someone in there? Unbeknownst to me, someone had established themselves in that very cubicle. Oh no, was someone in there? Unbeknownst to me, someone had established themselves in that very cubicle Oh no Oh god

A husky gasp was heard from the throne next door Oh no As you watch it arc over the Boundary Oh no Christ And I succumbed to prey instinct Keeping quiet and still

That's to prey instinct, keeping quiet and still. That's funny, prey instinct. I listened as the confused victim of my pooey shower readied themselves to exit the chamber. After some time had passed, the boundary seemed deserted, and I hurriedly proceeded to clean the defecated cubicle and subsequently my hair and back. At this point, I am acutely aware I have been absent from the sexy Irishman. I'm adding the word sexy in there to remind us. Oh yeah, of his character. For undoubtedly a longer time than a

pee would require. Here we go again. Yeah. Yes. As I'm sure you might have gathered by now, that husky gasp was that of the Irishman. Oh no, I hadn't put that together. That's a great twist. Oh no the Irishman. Oh, no, I hadn't put that together. No, I had neither. That's a great twist.

Oh, no. Spray. Oh, no. Splat. What's an Irish thing to say? Yeah, they don't have... What's an exclamation? Huh?

Yeah, what kind of exc... What's the sacre bleu? Feck. Feck, yeah. Yeah, it must be. Oh, feck. Flex. Feck. Feck, yeah. Yeah, it must be. Oh, feck. Flex. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Feck all these flex. I've only gone and got shit water all over me head. So, the husky gasp was that of the Irishman. He never confirmed he knew it was me who showered him in my feces. Oh, wow. I wonder if he ever brought it up but what could uh but what could have been between us was firmly no more we parted ways and it has never been spoken of since despite this experience i show i soldiered on with the bum hose and

mastered the art and now i'm back in the uk it is a luxury i dearly miss koji emily thank you emily yeah that's great that's a good story great twist i did not see that coming shooting bum water over a partition onto your love interest onto your love interest for something on a bridesmaids if you didn't realize that she'd done that mad illogical thing with the spray hose you'd think what level of shitting is happening next door yeah yeah yeah yeah also reckless of him in some ways for him to be like talking to a girl and then she's like i'm just gonna go to the loo and then him just thinking well i'm gonna go to the loo next to you was he aware that she was in that one next to her well how many loos are there in this place

yeah maybe he wanted to be close to her and it backfired it literally backfired. It literally backfired. Yeah, backside fired. Christ almighty. But yeah, you've got to aim downwards with the hose. Yeah, you've got to aim downwards. But then isn't the floor going to be all covered in poopy water? No, because you're on the loo still. Oh. I imagine Emily

at the end of this trip, by the way, being so good at it, she sort of like spins the bum gun in her hand like in a western. Like... Yeah, she's cleaning her ass with the hose spray, like banking the spray off the cubicle door. Like a pool shot, like a snooker thing. Yeah. Yeah, you've got it but the further you aim it down yourself eventually you're shooting your own ball bag in the back

like you're like you're putting two in the back of your nutsack's head for betraying you yeah like execution execution style i'm gonna wash wash my balls execution style. You position your balls right in front of a pit you've dug. Yeah, yeah. Your balls have been having to dig it in front of some car headlights in the forest at night.

Well, thanks for that, Emily. Yeah, thanks, Emily. And thanks for your correspondences thanks Emily and thanks for your correspondences this time for this correspondence emergency special however I did the alarm emergency averted

pod pod established pod delivered correspondence read lovely we did it see you guys next time see you guys next time much love see you soon bye bye