BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 216 - Wang Fu

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

The lads discuss Phil's new martial art, their various billionaire ego fantasies, Succession (no spoilers!) and the Firecrotch and Normcore finale party. Correspondence from L the roast master! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 216. 216 new punch kicks. I've developed some new punches and kicks for my personal martial art. Ah. Wang Fu. Nice. So like Bruce Lee had Jeet Kune Do. Yeah.

You've got Wang Fu. I'm Wang Fu. Nice. So like Bruce Lee had Jeet Kune Do. Yeah. You've got Wangfu. I'm Wangfu, yeah. What's the philosophy of, because Jeet Kune Do, the philosophy was be like water. Okay. Wangfu is, the philosophy of Wangfu is

do as much damage as possible to your opponent, to yourself and to your community as you can so it's like the martial arts version of being a suicide bomber yeah it's it's um a violence maximizing martial art it is not about defense the strong we believe the strongest defense is a strong offense. And the strongest offense is a surprise attack. Yeah, okay.

All right. So it's just... Every unnecessary attack is a surprise attack. By definition, yeah. Because the more unnecessary it is, the more surprising it must be. That's right. Because people will be like, wow. So followers of Wang Fu will just kick people in the head in the street.

They'll just punch a randomer and twist people's ears. Nice, yeah. That's Wang Fu. And it'll damage the community in the sense that people will be like, we don't want to go to this part of town anymore. That's right. That's Wang Fu. And it'll damage the community in the sense that people will be like, we don't want to go to this part of town anymore. That's right. That's right. Community hubs will become barren and empty

because no one trusts each other anymore because no one knows who studies Wang Fu and who doesn't. You don't know who's studying Wang Fu until it's too late. They've already drop kicked you in the back of the head. That's right. People don't go to concerts anymore, people don't go to gigs, bars will become empty. until it's too late they've already drop kicked you in the back of the head that's right people don't go to concerts anymore want to go to gigs bars will become empty um it's the wang fu way not mosh pits i guess still kind of work mosh pit yeah but the mosh pit is the only

place that still survives um post wang fu yeah it's a wang fu dojo is the mosh pit it's natural home yeah that's right that's right so that's my food i like no there's no honor to it it is the only on is it's completely honorless by design that's funny that makes it sound like um that that that makes it sound like a business pitch yeah yeah it's completely honorless by design people oh that'll say yeah the honor the lack of honor is um it's a feature not a bug the lack of honor is baked in if you were doing a big bill gates releases windows 98 style presentation with like a uh you know a a head mic the lack of honor is a feature not a bug everyone starts cheering and you're like punching the air and then someone runs on and punches you in the side

of the head really suddenly and everyone's like you know he's not a hypocrite he's got he got wang fu the guy himself new punch kicks i like the idea of debuting a new a new punch yeah yeah i had a big at a yeah at a big announcement of concert what are they called like the apple announcement events oh um yeah release release event yeah somewhere that that. Or just like a UFC fighter. A new punch unveiling. Yeah, or just like a UFC, like Conor McGregor, one of those really famous ones being like,

and tonight I'm going to debut my new punch. And everyone would be like, whoa. Unveiling a new punch. Yeah, yeah. People say, gee, there's a rumor he's going to unveil a new way to punch people. Wow, I thought we had all the ways. No, he says he's got a new one yeah and it's a punch backwards so you punch yeah your back's facing your phone and you go

yeah and obviously there's like seven hours of interviews with like joe rogan and a bunch of other guys with big headsets going like in a way it's it's the only punch that utilizes a lot of muscles that other types of punching ignore. Like the lower middle back. People nodding like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This punch uses a lot of lat action. Yeah, so that's Wang Fu. I'm excited for this. chaotic unstructured and quite nihilistic very nihilistic yeah at the center of wang fu i suppose it's a philosophy

that nothing matters and so neither does wang fu really yeah exactly neither does anyone who practices wang fu it's a not is it yeah it's the's the Game of Thrones of martial arts There is no honour, everyone dies Yes And also Assassin's Creed, what do they say in Assassin's Creed? Oh, nothing is true, everything is permitted Yeah

Sounds like the motto of the mainstream media in this country if you ask me, Philip how are you doing? how are things? you and I were recently at the hottest ticket in London, Pierre over the weekend

boiling hot boiling hot the ticket was so hot We're recently at the hottest ticket in London, Pierre, over the weekend. Oh, yeah. Boiling hot. Boiling hot. The ticket was so hot, I had to use gloves when they asked for it. I had to use, like, thick oven gloves. And I said, sorry, this ticket's so hot. And then it burnt the ladies' hands. Ah!

Yeah. I used those tongs, like, from the Simpsons intro for the uranium the carbon rod rather we were we were at the um screening of the finale of succession everyone's favorite show that they understand about 60 of i i think i understand about 60 of that show and i still really enjoy it but when i think back to like the end of season three uh you know he really got him when they when he signed that contract instead of the other one and i i don't really understand about half of why it's bad and what they were trying to do originally and well i can't remember the end of series three which one which end was that one that was with in italy when oh Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Are we spoiling things now? Because some people have not even started this shit. Well, they don't even understand the words we've said in that case. That's true. But it was great. I mean, it was at the BFI. It was part of the great, I guess, kind of sister podcast of ours,

Fire Crotch and Normcore, Sarah Barron, Jeff Lloyd, Succession Podcast. Are they a sister podcast? Well, they're our friends, and Sarah's with the same agency as us, and they're with Acast. Oh, yeah. Very linked. Those are three links.

Sure, sure, sure. Look, we're all one big podcast family. Yes. But, yeah, and they host an excellent podcast about Succession called Firecrouch and Normcore and they had Jesse Armstrong and the writers at the screening, which was really cool. Yeah, and they were just as shuffling and nerdy

as writers should be in real life. Yes. Apart from one who is a pod bud. Hello, Miriam. Yes, Miriam is a pod bud. She came up to us to tell us she is a pod bud hello miriam yes miriam um is a pod bud she came up to us and to tell us we were she was a pod bud and uh we we were star struck we had no idea we had an inside woman in the succession writing team now i'm gonna have to go back through series four to see how many references there are to golden cages, gilded cages and toilets and poops.

That's why Kieran Culkin's character kept saying, keep on jacking it and double finger guns every time he left the room. That now makes sense. Right, of course. Yeah. But it was so exciting because me and Phil were there

as part of worshiping succession and then to find out that someone who crafts this um this amazing thing and i mean it's fair to say like i was really impressed with the finale um no spoilers but i thought wow they've done it they've done the opposite of what the game of thrones franchise did yeah it is hard to make a finale deliver especially when there's so many moving parts yeah but it really does it's really very very good but um miriam telling us she was a pod bud was the most fight clubby i think this podcast has ever felt because there's someone in every sort of major financial cultural institution who knows the secret handshake and knows who says Koji. they're driving and driving and i'm like oh man i fucked up real bad and then i see that the cop just drives past the police station and i'm like wait what and he's and he's just like shut up and i go oh no and we drive to the woods and he gets me out and i think oh no and he just unlocks the

handcuffs and says koji and salutes and gets back in the car and drives drives away like oh my god we're everywhere as i sprint into the woods and across the border yeah yeah that's the dream that's the next level up that's the only thing more extreme than finding out that someone part of something so incredible like likes the the highbrow lowbrow poo podcast oh yeah we we hit every we hit every button. We get everywhere. We're in everything. We. Have you seen, I think you should leave.

The new series is out today. I'm quite excited about it. Is it? Oh my God. Oh wow. But you know that sketch about calico cut pants.com? Do you give? You gotta give.

You gotta give. Everybody gives. A lot of people give. And it turns out a lot of people in the office are part of this sort of cult fake website it feels like that with mudpods sometimes yeah and it's a lot of people are jacking it similarly toilety yeah yeah yeah oh man but what an experience and and a privilege. So go check out Firecrouch and Normcore. It's very good. And I'm just blown away by the access they're getting to the cast and the writers and stuff. Oh, really amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. And they had me on once. Yeah. And I feel very much that I'm on the lower end of the coup spectrum for that show now. Because they've had Jesse Armstrong. They've had Alexander Skarsgård. They've had the Northman himself.

They've had Justine Lupe, who is my fave, Willa. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's my fave. She's your fave? I'm a Willa's my fave I'm a Willa head Would you finance Sans the play? I'd finance I want a Sans extended universe

I want movies I want TV shows I want action figures of the sand grains I want TV shows I want action figures of the sand grains I want video games I want a Lego Sands video game that's how much ambition I have for the Sands franchise that's how much she's your favorite yeah that's how much she's my favorite

I think you'd be a good crazy sort of billionaire funding the art projects of whoever you're dating. Yeah, I think so. They would suit you. Yeah, I'd love to be a mad billionaire donor. What would be the most sort of ego-trippy thing that you would do with your money because when you and i were at at university someone donated so much money to one of the colleges that they changed their name to the person's name so it was just like it was murray edwards right so it was a it was a lady who'd been there's name and the name of their first female chancellor marion edwards yeah right

because before that it was just called new hall but they gave them like 30 million quid and they're just like your name's our name now oh right okay so what institution would i would i give loads of money to to change to give it my name yeah well yeah but more broadly just what money in specific amounts of money aside what kind of self-centered kind of giving would you do? Like, you're still being nice and giving lots of money, but you're really making sure that your thumbprints were all over it, you know? Oh, I see.

So it's like, yeah, I've given like loads of money and it's very generous of me, but it is now called the Phil Wang National Ballet or whatever. Okay. Okay. ballet or whatever okay okay i think it would have to be um i think it would have to maybe a i think like a fire um a firehouse a fire department oh really five brigade house yeah um but they have to i give them 30 million pounds and they can change every no they leave everything the same nothing has changed the only thing that's changed is that wherever the word fire appears they have to replace the F with a PH. It's just going to be really annoying.

It's not big and flashy, but just every time they write down fire, it's spelled with PH. Right, right, right. So it's the fire brigade. And it's a fiber grade PH fire, yeah. That's good. It'll take people a couple of seconds

just to realize something's changed, but then they won't be able to unsee it and it'll drive them crazy. Yeah, and it could spread, couldn't it like like other firehouses could start like like a fire yeah could start using it and then eventually you'd be one of those um is it suzy dent who does all the etymology stuff yeah give you like and for the first time fire with a ph is now in the dictionary so they oh you're worming your way in to the human mind to the english language that's good yeah because you want to see if you're a crazy billionaire you

want to give money in a way that is going to get you even more attention and maybe money back right like lots of kudos right yeah yeah you don't want to like the like unfortunately the thing that you're probably least likely to give money to if you're a crazy ego billionaire is a very, very complex piece of research that isn't really going to pay dividends while you're alive. Yeah, I don't want that bullshit. That's what I'm saying. I want people to notice me now. saying i want people to notice me now maybe the best thing therefore would just be like an insane amount like 500 million pounds to just completely rename and fund like rada is that what you would choose well no because then well here maybe because here's my logic

every actor who goes there and then goes to hollywood has to name check you so you're creating you're funding a massive attention factory that goes out and seeks attention. Right. Yes. So if we're talking about multiplication of attention, that's probably the safest bet is to massively, massively overfund the attention seeking arts. Yeah. massively overfund the attention-seeking arts yeah so then you unless you like unless you like buy tiktok and call it pierre time and so every tiktok video has a little pierre time with the ball well like so instead of going like uh with a little logo at the end of each video it's just my head going hello hello it's me yeah i own time

yeah time i own this but my my head talks like south park characters like it's really badly animated split oh yeah split in half bad time do you think like do you do you think tiktok would survive as an app as a platform if everything stayed the same but it just changed his name to pierre time and at the end of every video was your face going pair time do you think people do you think people still use it would it lose lose users i think it would it would lose some people but i think the the algorithm they've designed is so toxic and so effective and so sort of evil like a gas that I think people's addictions would continue. Yeah, they'll overcome it. Yeah.

And then there'd be all these news stories about, you know, chief executives have yet to respond to allegations that Pierre Time has been sending data in unmarked files to send to the Chinese intelligence agents you know all that maybe all the scandals that they've been having like tracking journalists and stuff yes but then it would be my face going Pierre Time on all the news all the sinister

all the sinister data sharing news so yeah just more attention which is exactly what you wanted. That's true. But I was hoping more for attention from like, you know, a really cringeworthy endorsement in an award speech by Tom Hiddleston. Okay, yeah, yeah.

You know, we'd like to thank the Phil Wang Academy for fostering me as talent. That would be a great sort of full circle circle endpoint for my feud with tom hillston yeah he presents me a sort of quasi lifetime achievement award but it's clearly one that's just that i've bought and paid for but he has to give a speech like you know there's through all these years there's been one man who's made all this possible who's whose unrelenting passion for drama comedy making people laugh making people cry his undying passion has let us tell these stories yeah has let us do what we do best and i'm there

like and it's obviously me because the camera keeps panning to me but i have to pretend like i just have to do this sort of dignified face where i'm listening and yeah yeah i've got really thick i've got glasses with really thick black rims yes and then he makes a little joke referencing the video you made of him in the vitamin advert where he goes someone like someone who has the uh vitality and like there was a little people sort of laugh like that yeah i do a little laughter yeah i drop my head laughing and then i lean over and say something to a woman yeah to the to the actress i say something inaudible to an elegantly dressed

woman next to me and i and she goes she does a little chuckle as well yeah she nods a little bit and you watch her home you think what's he said there has he just repeated it And she does a little chuckle as well. Yeah, she nods a little bit. And you watch it and you think, what's he said there? Has he just repeated it? He doesn't strike me as a funny guy. This is what I think every time I'm watching an award show. What are they saying to each other?

I remember once, I mean, it's not exactly an award show, but do you remember when Liz Truss was sort of on the way out and she turned up late to the House of Commons for something? Penny Mordaunt had to take over. Yeah. And field questions. And she turned up late to the House of Commons for something. Penny Mordant had to take over. Yeah. And field questions. And she turned up late and everyone was like, and she sits next to someone on the front bench. And she leans over and she says something to the person

and then she laughs. And I'm like, what did she say that was funny? There's no way. Yeah. She said anything funny. She's the laughingstock of the country did she just lean over and just said i like peanuts no other person yes liz yes liz yes but i mean she was just full-blown crackers so i guess that

makes sense but yeah but yeah i always wonder what these people are saying in these award shows because i'm sure it's not entertaining to each other you've got to you've i guess you have to laugh because like if someone leans over and says something in your ear and your face stays like completely grave then all the sort of incredibly invasive celebrity pundit people are going to be saying like, what shade did Poopy Lala throw during Grimble Dee's speech? Have you seen, you know, the Oscar slap, obviously. Have you seen, what's her name? I think it's her, who was in 12 Years a Slave, A Big Break. Oh.

What's her name now? Give it a look. Why why does she slap someone yeah there's a much smaller quieter slap in the background of the slap that people aren't talking about but it's got uh indie fans um very excited okay let me see uh uh lupita nyong'o of course oh right yeah and lupita nyong'o's behind will smith when he when he goes keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth and everyone's like oh but lupita nyong'o is completely stone face it's like she's seen this every day of her life really yeah it's quite it's quite weird but also like impressive and i like it you know they sometimes use seat fillers yeah that's a cool job where you sort of vaguely

look like someone enough that you get to just sit in a chair for a bit yeah they did a joke about it in it it's just hollywood and saddam hussein's various palaces that are so interested in lookalikes i guess yeah i'm looking at the Peter Nyong'o's face now oh she gives like a little a little open mouth but a little oh like that oh as if as if someone said oh sorry there are no dips yeah

oh I yeah I that's the terrible thing about all these people is that they with a few exceptions they're really not funny They're incredibly sincere Which is often the opposite of being funny Absolutely

Worst thing in the world, sincerity I'd rather die than be sincere You don't really mean that Phil Get it Yeah very good Very good I suppose you're very proud of yourself right now What's the most sincere art form Phil

The most sincere art form I think it's dramatic acting Isn't it Not even music can be quite silly And acting can be silly too of course Slam poetry I think But that can have jokes Music can be quite silly, and acting can be silly too, of course. Slam poetry, I think. But that can have jokes.

Yeah, but the jokes are still crushingly sincere. Yeah, I think it's specifically that London style of thoughtful poetry that doesn't really rhyme or have much of a rhythm but yeah the slam poetry like is that slam poetry yeah yeah yeah poetry slams you go and you read do your readings i've been to a couple of those i really like them in the room i'm like yes i'm just clicking my fingers what? yes what? really? yeah just one time but I think I think I just like the energy of people

getting up and performing I'm always I'm always I'm always at least 50% supportive of someone who's got on stage I well on the plane

when they do the safety demonstration I always take my headphones off and I watch that's your true stand up yeah on the plane, when they do the safety demonstration, I always take my headphones off and I watch. That's your true stand-up, yeah, on the side of the performer. Yeah, I'm like, see if they got something. You have to, you know. See how much flair they're putting into this. Yeah, yeah.

I've done enough, like, corporates where no one's paying attention to know how it feels. That's true. When I'm on a plane, I always give them, I always watch. That's true. To be fair, the times in my life where something like slam poetry has made me cringe my cringe my bum hole completely shut is always footage right right right it's not in the room that's embarrassing when it's a video of it. Yeah. Yeah. You want to be, yeah, you want to be sure that no one else can see this, I think.

You want it to be like 30 people in a room. And someone's talking about drinking wine out of a D-Relax glass and smoking cigarettes. And you go, wow, yes, this is evocative. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, cigarettes. Yeah. Oh, cigarettes. Oh, wow, yes, this is evocative Yeah, oh, cigarettes Yeah Oh, cigarettes Oh, wow

Are you allowed to admit that? The American kind, yeah Do you see what I see When a C-section sees how you see the sea? Well, of course, a very popular poem Among some of us You, me the the daphne boys is uh an absolutely terrible anti-trump poem from was it in 2017 early on in trump during trump time um and she says like a man covered in Cheeto dust.

It's so bad. And it makes you support Donald Trump. That's the worst thing about the poem. Actually, he's not as bad as this. A man covered in Cheeto dust. I mean, you just think. A man covered in Cheeto dust. She thinks she's absolutely slammed him.

Oh, that is play humor yeah that is just such i that's like a joke that would be successful in a play because no one's expecting it to be funny yeah and also it's like the most obvious like public domain joke about a topic that people have been saying for years and you're just repeating it and people are like it's like the horrible like modern satire version of Shakespeare laughs you know yeah and I mean Shakespeare laughs

so the performers don't earn it or aren't really that good you're just laughing because you're like I know the technical definition of why this is funny the jokes that plays get away with it drives me crazy

if i'm watching a play and there's a play joke in it people laugh i want to stand up and go i've seen you at my shows i've seen you at my shows it is you're not like this you're not like this at my shows i give you this at my show you you walk out. You would walk out. Yeah, yeah. And here you are, giggling and laughing. If I say this at my show. Like pigs and shit. I hope you're happy. I hope you're proud. Even the actors at this point are like just sort of embarrassing.

Like they're hanging their heads and they're just listening. And they're like scrubbing their toes on the floor. Huh? They're like grinding the balls of their feet onto the floor on one foot, you know? Yeah. the floor huh they're like grinding the balls of their feet into the floor on one foot you know yeah people aren't even like angry with me they're like he has a point we know yeah they won't even get me to leave they're like no this is important he needs to say this no they're free like the audience is like the a shame that you're there like they were only laughing that much because they didn't think you were there. Yeah. It's like you've caught them. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Yeah. Often it's jokes that if you said them as a standup, you would visibly see people in the audience frown. Yeah. And with worry. They groan. They would groan. But because an actor has said something that's not 100%

serious I think it's so many people who go to theatre a lot are the sort of people who never ever see comedy and going to see a stand up to them is like the same thing as going to they would view it with the same kind of like

almost classist distaste that they would apply to like going to Benidorm or butlins or a weatherspoons yeah yes it's very popular isn't it stand up that awful jimmy carr you know they talk like that but it means that their sense of humor is such a under-exercised little muscle that all it takes it is someone to go virgin forest it's just all the low-hanging fruit is still dangling yeah it's still there to be picked it's like a it's a tropical island with no predators the birds just come right up to you the joke the jokes don't even fly anymore they don't even fly they don't need to they don't even fly anymore. They don't even fly. They don't need to. They don't need to fly. Yeah.

Yeah. There are enough sort of fruits shattered upon the floor for them to feast on. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, speaking of waddling fruit-filled birds, let's look at some correspondence. Let us read them. Let us read them now. Read them. Let us read them now. To letters, emails, phone calligraphies, tweets, your sister, your best friend, to who we are, to who we are.

Correspondence. All right, let's see what we got. Ooh. Show me your correspondence Show me your letters This is my boy band era song. That's good. Thank you.

I like that. Show me your thoughts and feelings So that they will get heard I wanna know what's happening Are you jacking it too want to know what's happening. Are you jacking it too? I think that's good. Thank you.

Read me some correspondence. It better be about some poo. I think that's all right. I think that's all right. That's good. And then as you go do some poo, the fifth or fourth guy along the line does their little twirl with their angled up hat adjustment like MJ. Ah, yes. You know, some poo.

Like that. A little spin. Well, worthy of such a great song, we got a little bit of, it's titled Useless Correspondence from Joe. Oh, Joe, what do you know? Here she is with some useless correspond.

Hi, Phil and Pierre. While listening to the latest Bud Pod, it occurred to me that the opposite of Phil Wang is empty bum. Yeah. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Is the penis the opposite of the bum? Ooh. Or is it the mouth but then the bum I feel like the bum and the penis are together the opposite of the mouth

because both you know I mean the penis is literally in a physical spatial sense opposite the bum I suppose yeah so maybe the opposite is literally in a physical spatial sense opposite the bum, I suppose. Yeah, yeah. And, oh, yeah.

So maybe the opposite really should be empty vagina. Ah, yes, yes. Now we're talking. Phil Wang, empty vagina. Just little notes on your to-do list. I really need to empty this out oh man so much clutter in there you know you you think you need these things all the old birthday cards and stuff you think i should keep this and then you go ah no no the vagina's getting full. Yeah. Yeah. It's a risk.

Joe just says, that's it for now. That's it? Yeah, he goes, that's it for now. Praise your doctor. I don't think that is a useless correspondence. I think that's very useful. It is good for me to think about this. Yeah. It's been under my nose my whole time, the whole time, my penis. It's been under my nose my whole time.

The whole time, my penis. It's been under my nose. Pierre Novelli. Well, so, Pierre is Peter, is what? Rock, petrified, stone, solid. Novelli is what? Novel, new. Yeah.

So, what's the opposite of a rock? The opposite of a rock? paper and scissors i guess magma gloopy rock water air sand that it came from i don't know yeah water maybe water okay let's say water yeah i know that's fire's fire, isn't it? Fire and water. Oh, yeah, shit. Rock and air? Yeah, air. Okay. Air. Let's say air. It'd be air old. Air old?

Air old, but it's got to be translated, right, into Latinate. Ah, okay. So aero, aero? Is that how it's Greek? Aero antiquus. Ah, that. So aero... aero? Is that how it's Greek? Aero antiquus. Ah, that's good. Which sounds like a kind of Latin medieval medical diagnosis of bad breath. I'm afraid your mouth is full of old air. You must expunge your mouth of old air.

Yes. Well, so, okay. Next is a piece of correspondence from L. The letter L. L. What's that smell? I think it's your disgusting correspondence. Absolutely.

Very good. Dear Two Poos in a Pod. absolutely very good dear two poos in a pod very nice I first wanted to say how much of an avid listener I am of your poopalicious podcast I don't think I'm ready for this party I don't think I'm ready for this party

I don't think I'm ready for this this. I don't think I'm ready for this. This party's too poopalicious for you, babe. Yeah, this is good. We're getting more and more sort of naughty R&B themes for Bud Pod. Elle says, if it wasn't for my cooler, smarter, older sister. Older? Yeah, cooler, smarter, older. Yeah, Daft Punk.

I'm cooler, I'm smarter, I'm older. Who, by the way, has a crush on Pierre. She once wore a red dress to one of his gigs and sat in the front row to try and get his attention. Loser! That's what she's written. She's really dubbing her sister in. A red dress, like the lady in The Matrix.

Yeah, maybe that's... I probably assumed it was a trap from the matrix oh yeah that's very funny that's a very funny old school like first three james bond's way of attracting a man's attention to be fair that is how i dress she must have gone, oh, he wears a velvet blazer on stage and like suit trousers and a shirt and stuff. So this is the sort of thing he would recognize and respect. Well, I wonder what gig that was. So anyway, the point of Elle... There's one with a lady in the red dressed up right at the front. How could you not remember?

Yeah, well, well. I perform to a lot of Chinese people, so everyone's in red all the time. I can't remember yeah well well um l says i perform to a lot of chinese people so everyone's in red all the time i can't have good luck yeah so i can't pick it as far as i can tell everyone wants to fuck me yeah yeah and the number eight those are the two lucky things they're always wearing eight of things they've all got eight fingers on their hands that they clap with and yeah they chop off their thumbs uh so anyway the point of elle saying this is she says it wasn't if it wasn't for my coolest matter or the sister i would still be listening to the off-menu boys and god how dull that would be oh it's an absolute roast fest in this email and they'd like a roast usually the off-menu boys but not this time

yeah this is one roast this is one roast fest you guys don't want to host yeah yeah ed and james um before launching into my poo story i want to say your segments on terrible advertising really made me laugh as a fellow copywriter who works in the industry, I'm constantly exhausted at arguing with wacko clients and some dumb, dumb colleagues to not underestimate the average intelligence of their audience. This is why people don't give us their full names. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Dumb, dumb colleagues. Dumb, dumb colleagues. They can spot incompetence a mile off, so at least treat them with the same level of respect you would wiping your own bottom. Anyway, to counteract my infuriation at the many silly brands out there,

I recently started a Twitter thread called Add Copy That Gives Me a Hemorrhage. Oh. Yeah. I could probably find this. Yeah, yeah. So we've covered some of these. Aperol Spritz, Together We Joy.

Add copy that gives me a hemorrhage. Itsu's Eat Beautiful. And most recently, Let's Feel Lempted. I have to spell hemorrhage. Yeah, I know. I thought you were walking into an absolute massacre there. H-A-E-M-O-R-A-G-E? M-O-R-O-R-A-G-E M-O-R-R-H-A-G-E

M-O-R-R-H Yeah, H-A-E-M-O-R-A-G-E Are there two M's? No But Phil, how about this? Lemsep, how do you cold yeah I think we mentioned this before

and remember I said I would rather someone who works for lemsip came up sneezed wiped the mucus on my face and said buy lemsip yes but she says I thought I'd share another goodie phage yogurt plain extraordinary plain extraordinary Another goodie. Phage yogurt. Plain extraordinary.

Plain extraordinary. That's all right, isn't it? Plain extraordinary. I've tried looking this up, but all I'm getting are like things for medical conferences where they're discussing hemorrhages. Twitter's very hard to search. It's impossible to search. Anything of quality there,

it just gets buried. Yeah. Under the sands of time. Well, so anyway, Elle says, onto her poo story, right? Ah, yes. When I was living in France, I shared a flat with two Frenchies.

Ah, classic France. Yeah. A hot DJ called Luca and a madwoman called Pauline. Nice. Nice combo. One day, when I got back from uni doing fuck all because it was my year abroad, I went to drop off the kids at the pool. Oh, so to speak. Yes. off the kids at the pool. Oh, so to speak. Yes, but much to my horror,

one of the two toilets in the flat had a sign over it that said n'utilisez pas. Do not use. Ah. Utilise, do not. Yeah, utilise not the toilet.

Utilise not the toilet. But understand the kingdom of God. Understanding the toilet's passive-aggressive message, I went to use the other one in the flat, only to discover the bathroom was occupied by DJ Luca taking a leisurely afternoon shower. Sexy. Yeah, very sexy.

Very DJ. Sexy DJ behavior in a nutshell there. With no toilet to poo in. That's good. She doesn't have a toilet to poo in. I crisscrossed my legs for a good 10 minutes waiting for DJ Luca to finish. But remember, this man was French. He was not coming out anytime soon.

And that showers for a month. Yeah. He's French. That shower's got to showers for a month yeah that's that that's he's french that shower's gonna last him a month that's the most uh like 70s comedian you've ever been he's gotta wash the smell of riot smoke off him. The French not washing is a stereotype I've never ever experienced, and yet I'm aware of it. A couple of the French exchange kids who came to my school were quite smelly, but then there are smelly kids at every school, are there not?

Yeah, every school's got its pongers. Every school's got its pongers. Every school's got its pongers. Utilize not the toilet. Now completely desperate, I panicked, and under pressure from my bowels, I locked myself in my bedroom before taking a massive dump in one of those plastic Ikea bins. Ugh. What?

Like a rubbish, like a sort of waste paper basket. Well, I doubt it was the one that's made of mesh yeah but it's not like the big the big blue ikea bag with the handles the handles would be quite useful though yeah oh rough horrible after the god-awful deed was done i ashamedly crept into the free bathroom and turned on the shower to rinse the evidence away. Oh no. I had to I broke up the clumps as best I could with two hairpins tied together.

Alright, MacGyver. What? The clumps in the bin? Of the poop. Why is she breaking that up in the bin? Because she's showering it out. She's trying to get it down the drain, Phil. Oh, I thought she was showering herself. Oh my god. want to... Because she's showering it out. She's trying to get it down the drain, Phil. Oh, I thought she was

showering herself. Oh my God. Oh, right. So she's not transferring it to the toilet. She's trying to get it down the shower. Oh, no.

Yeah, because I guess you've got to hide the noise of your crime disposal with shower sound. Oh my God. This is gross. I never get used to these.

Two hairpins tied together. How does that work? Why do they need to be tied together? She's sort of chopsticking them, I guess. Right. Tied together though, yeah. So that she doesn't lose them down the shower drain? Maybe, yeah.

Or like to add length somehow? Has she got it wrapped around her neck like a librarian's glasses? Oh no, what if they're in her fist like Wolverine's claws? She's punching the tulips. Yeah, she's just punching it really fast. Like Goku, like Dragon Ball Z speed.

Yeah. And DJ Lucas knocking on the door. Are you using the Dragon Ball punching to disrupt the clumps of poo? No, I'm just showering. Okay, because I thought that's what I heard. Okay, where were we? Hairpins tied together. After the mission was completed,

I bleached the shower and the bin and returned sullenly to my room, horrified by my actions. Imagine knowing that bin's in there. You know now what that bin has been through. No amount of cleaning will let you forget what that bin has been through. No amount of cleaning will let you forget what that bin has been through. The bin in the corner traumatized. That bin's in the corner.

That bin is full of poo. To this day, I've never told anyone this story, but I guess the poo's out of the bum hole now keep jacking it yours ashamedly L thank you L that's good stuff I like the scene setting of the sexy DJ flatmate and the

I like the roasts in that yeah and my end of the pier anti-French humour it's something for all the family there really And my end of the pier anti-French humour. It's something for all the family there, really. A lot of these Pooh stories we get,

a soft structure is emerging of... There's usually someone attractive sort of in the vicinity or in the situation. Yeah, as a sort of catalyst of of of enhancing the the embarrassment or horror that's right they're the jeopardy aren't they yeah yeah it's as though people were like it's not enough that this happened to me there was someone very sexy nearby exactly see if you because if you shit yourself and no one attractive was around to see it, did it really happen? Yes. I don't think so. This is part of the

Wang Fu philosophy, isn't it? This is one of the questions that you ask. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. If you shit yourself and no one finds out, was it humiliating? If you shit yourself and someone sexy is down the road, is that worse? Everyone's nodding in the dojo and then suddenly wham someone kicks someone else in the head and

it's just chaos wang fu sounds frightening actually i know i invented it but it sounds scary wang fu sounds like true anarchism yeah yeah it's not good it's not good for you wang fu um we are we are out of time yes but um thank you uh we must go now to the was it to the secret i guess the vip french dj shower okay or the v the VIP Wangfu Dojo. Yes, yes, yes. That's good. Yeah. We'll go to the VIP Wangfu Dojo.

So, Patreons, we'll see you there on Friday. Everyone else, we'll see you next week. My tour is still going on. I'm in Wales this week. Swansea and Cardiff. And also Cheltenham. Bristol is sold out. But if you're in Swansea or Cardiff I think there's

plenty of tickies so see you there very nice my Leicester Square show thanks to you guys is pretty much sold out I can only really see like six tickets for sale on the website so that's pretty good that's delightful news and then other than that

yeah Sunday in Edinburgh at excuse me monkey barrel Piers just really moved by the date yeah I definitely wasn't burping because I ate a bag of popcorn for lunch

cheers guys see you next time much love bye