BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 218 - Bitter Thirty-Two

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

Sweet sixteens, vicars, murderous batman, Phil’s lust for art, Correspondence: Richard sperm tat and parents who were too cool with sexy talk with the family, Will’s loose driveway emergencies Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Part 218! 218! Ooh, great spleen! Are we on the spleens again? I'm complimenting your spleen. We were talking about the spleen last week, weren't we? Yeah. It secretes fluids.

That's what we discovered. Yeah. 218. What was it? Did you have an 18th birthday party um yes although i sadly cannot remember it oh good um although that has reminded me of my 16th birthday which must be um which must be the saddest birthday of all time. I was in Malaysia, in Kota Kinabalu, and my birthday was my dad took me and my friend Brian out for dinner at an Italian restaurant.

Nice. And at the restaurant, my dad handed me, as a gift, a model Batmobile that i asked him to buy me just go for dinner with dad and brian i hope he has that batmobile i asked for sweet 16 do you still have it's funny because also at the time where the mtv show um super sweet 16 was on did you ever see that show yeah super sweet 16 oh awful it just followed like brats who were turning 16 and all these because and because it was in amer, they had an almost endless supply of fantastically rich families you'd never hear of. So like, you'd be the toilet seat king of Idaho.

Yeah, yeah. And his daughter was turning 16. You'd be like the daughter of the guy who sells all the Halloween pumpkins. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he only operates in the state but because america's so big he's a multi-millionaire yeah and and then she'd scream because like the wrong color of lamborghini picked her up or something yeah the problems were always full

it was basically um veruca salt over and over again it was and then i contrasted that with my 16th birthday of being given i mean still a car but a miniature um fictional car yeah car that's not my father not just small but fictional over a big plate of spaghetti technically speaking it was the tumbler from the christopher nolan batmans which was a real car they they made okay that's true i mean they're all real all the batmobiles in the movies are real are you do you still have it yes i do am i even looking at it now i think might even be in this house you know the Batmobile's coming from inside the house. That's how I'm at my 16th. At my 18th, I do not

remember, which probably means it was a good one. Or it means I didn't do anything fun. That's a slightly distracted question. I've just had a thought okay so in malaysia slash the far east but malaysia i guess specifically have i asked this before spaghetti is that seen as just like weird noodles like

oh they in in in italy they put this fucking tomato stuff all over their noodles no it's seen as a complete separate entity it's seen as Italian food it's seen as fancy really? yeah you get it at hotels or like western-y restaurants or resorts or like beach clubs

or you know but so no one ever comments on like the relationship between the sort of Marco Polo you know you're you know but so no one ever comments on like the relationship between the sort of the sort of uh marco polo you know no huh um i mean maybe among my family when i was a kid we talked about i've talked about it but we were probably more interested in mo than most in the interactions between east and west yes i think my father once like looked at spaghetti i was like this is very high quality very high quality but i think that might have just been like oh yeah the west makes stuff to a high high standard oh like it's all very uniform this yeah yeah because we do sometimes have like fried

spaghetti in the asian way and it's kind of funky it's kind of good but it still it doesn't work as well as asian noodles ah that's so interesting right it's too wheaty yeah um i i wonder if has there been so normally right the first harvest of of fruit from the tree of reality television was in the noughties. Ah, that's a good analogy. The big harvest. And we had all the fruits of reality TV, all the depressing little oranges and apples from Big Brother and Wife Swap and My Sweet Sixteen and blah, blah, blah. Wife Swap. That was a great show that's fucking mental yeah they always just go like oh vegetarian thatched cottage to some sort of horrible meat flat uh let's do that and the yeah the revelation of every episode was ah people really don't like

living in a home that is completely contrary to all of their principles and values people hate opposites and they're not very keen on raising other people's children it turns out yeah they've gone uh it's worse than a kidnapping because it's a kidnapping where you're guaranteed to fucking hate everyone and everything in the house i've seen episodes of one shot where they've like taken swings at each other good show yeah but this is the golden age do you remember a show called faking it oh that rings a bell what was that it was a really good show so like someone from one profession would have to try out this the quote-unquote opposite end of that profession or an opposite profession.

And then at the end, they demonstrate it among some real professionals. And then judges have to decide who's the person faking it. So the classic episode is a classical cellist has become like a nightclub DJ. Oh, okay. Oh, that's pretty good. That's not too vigorously exploitative it's probably why i haven't heard of it um but so here's the thing right that's the first harvest yeah but what uh maybe we didn't realize was that this tree inherently bears a second round of poisoned fruit which is the where are they now

right yeah as in like uh these are the fruit rotting i thought of this because i thought well you could do a whole series episode for episode total matchup of the where are they now of sweet Sweet Sixteen. Oh, yeah. What happened to these fucking Veruca Salts? Bitter 32. That's what I want to watch. That's the name of like a German techno group. Really polite one. Bitter 32 is great. I would watch that.

Yeah. Have they squandered their father's toilet seat and pumpkin money or have they made the best of it yeah they're all either like failed influencers or they've run the parents business into the ground well they've started some kind of fucked up interior design shop or a cult cult. Uh-huh, uh-huh. That would be good. That would be good. Was Sweet Sixteen entirely female? Or am I correct in remembering that every now and then

there was a sort of frightening Patrick Bateman sort of young man? In my memory, it was entirely female, but I think it must have been like maybe 90% female or something. I think they did have the odd guy. And I mean odd. Yeah, surely there must have been like maybe 90 female or something i think they did have the odd guy and i mean odd yeah surely there must have been a couple although i guess sweet 16 is a very female idea in america why is it a thing in america because nothing happens to you in america at 16 in legal sense like you can't do it nothing changes you can't do it. Nothing changes. You can't do anything. That's a good question. Because here it is the age of consent. Yeah.

And when I was boarding in Brunei, someone told me that it's called sweet. Technically, it's only a sweet 16 if you haven't had sex yet. Oh, and then it's a jizzy 16 if you have. Yeah. Isn't it also an illegal 16 if you're not a virgin at 16? Sure, yeah. I can never keep track of America because in some states in America, two 14-year-olds can get fucking married.

Oh, right. They just need the parents and a vicar to agree to it or something insane. So I can never really tell. The one thing that's definitely true in the States is the 21 drinking, right? Well, just to pick you up on the vicar, this is something I learned in America when I first went out to do sets. They don't have vicars. No.

I did a joke about a vicar, which sounds like a made-up joke a British comedian would tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was talking to the vicar the other day. Boo! What? We don't have that here. What?

And the audience went, huh? Why, sir? And I said, vicar. You don't have vicars? And they're like, nah. And I was like, priest, little white patch on the collar. And they go, reverend. Yeah.

They have reverends. They've got reverend. Yeah. They have reverends. They've got reverends. They've got preachers. They've got pastors. They've got leeches. They've got, yeah, they've got a whole, they've got all different words, but no vicar. I think vicar is a very C of E. Well, no, because I think the Pope is known as the vicar of Christ.

So if they were Catholic, they should have at least have heard of it. Hmm. But it is a thing. There's some kind of joke in Friends about... One of the characters has a thing for the idea of seducing the vicar from reading some sort of English erotic novel. And I think Joey, or one of the silly billies, the male silly billies,

says he'll dress as a vicar for sexy times. And he's dressed in hockey uniform. And the big joke is that he thinks it's some kind of goalie. Oh, yes, I remember that. Man, they got up to some scrapes. Those friends sure were friends in New York. Yeah, they really were. What would be the funniest object, Phil,

to teleport into an episode of Friends into the background? Oh, an object? Yeah. It's exactly the same episode, the same joke, same script, same acting, but there's an object in the background of one of the scenes that you've put there. Okay, okay, let me think, let me think. Obviously, like a blow-up doll would be quite funny

in a very direct way. A TARDIS. A TARDIS. Maybe just like a goat skull. Like a satanic goat skull. Yeah, that would freak out all the crazy satanic panic people. Yes. Yeah, that would freak out um all the crazy uh satanic panic people yes yeah that'd

be good for it to suddenly yeah or just a huge a huge cross like a crucifix but just a huge cross in the back yeah made of wood in the coffee shop huge like floor to ceiling yeah they never meant they never mentioned it that would be good yeah yeah i like that oh yeah that would be nice yeah i'm trying to think what else would be sort of unsettling just a watermelon stand like indoors inside yeah yeah in one of the flats a coconut chai yeah oh one of those um like barber shop like a hairdresser chairs with a big dome over the top hmm um i uh i think some people would that would be a

quick way to the cross or the goat skull that would be a quick way to rock American Christianity to its core yeah it's amazing the moral panics that can happen in America I was reading I'm reading a long read in the New Yorker about Marvel um marvel and marvel cinematic universe and now it's swallowing hollywood it's very

interesting because a company that in late 90s they were filing for bankruptcy and now they're the most profitable entertainment brand in history i think that's got to be true like yeah i was saying to someone the other day, it's like every Marvel character now, there's so many movies, they're like episodes of a show. Oh, okay, we'll get this. This was the first big hit in this article,

and I will get to the point, which is why I brought this up in the first place soon. But, how many Marvel movies do you think there are now? Oh, man. I mean, there seems to be at least like seven Avengers films and there's all the Thor spinoffs

and all the really dogshit ones that no one cares about, like Winter Soldier. Yeah. How many do you think total? Oh, man. I'm going to say 22. 32. Fuck off 22. 32. Fuck off.

32. 32. 32 full movies. And they're all like three hours long. Yeah. They're so long. Doesn't mean there are more

Marvel movies than there are episodes of The British Office. Yeah, it must have. By quite a... Yeah, yeah. Office is just what? Was it two series? Two series of six and two Christmas specials. Yeah.

That's fucked. That's fucked. Isn't that insane? It's a really good long read. I'll send it to you. But yeah, it reminded me that a big hit in the comics business insane it's a really good long read I'll send it to you but yeah it reminded me that a big hit

in the comics business was was in the 60s or 70s a moral panic started about comic books

and that it was comic books I was turning teens violent and so like a whole actors pass that made comics

well if not illegal at least much harder to make and much more like a lot more controls put over what could be in them oh if they were directed at kids yeah yeah but this is based on nothing obviously and then the satanic panic of course happened in the 90s where people thought and i think this was i think it started with the dungeons and dragons actually yeah this it was an 80s it was dungeons and dragons and like metal but like not even like the frightening metal that you get out of norway or whatever it was just like guys in sparkly pants with like big permed hair yeah i mean in some american states guys who wear sparkly pants are scarier to them.

Oh, yeah, way scarier. It's important to remember how many of these people believe in demons. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's one good thing about this country, I guess, is that we're not quite as vulnerable to the odd moral panic i think once you believe in demons all bets are off because how could you ever say about anything but that doesn't sound likely because you believe that the reason that your your your reverend got caught doing crystal meth and fucking a rent boys because of a demon you think a d it's terrifying a demon made your preacher fuck that guy once you believe in demons scrutiny is very much out the window there's no point in scrutiny because you just you probably just go well why

would i go through all the work of scrutiny when at the bottom of this long barrel it's just a demon i already know what did it it was the it was the devil so why am i sherlock holmesing my way through this whole thing yeah i guess i guess there's a lot of punching in batman comic books and things but it's the punching of villains is it not in the first few batman kills people originally yeah yeah oh he killed people hard originally like the first in the first few issues of detective comics where he where he turns up in um he's got a biplane that has a machine gun he just machine guns some people and there's one guy there's one guy he just drops a noose down from his plane and hangs him by the neck.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Yeah, the whole, I have one rule, Batman is a later development. I can't believe that modern Batman is more morally balanced than 1960s Batman. Oh yeah, far less violent. Wow. So in a way, the most frightening Batman is very much the Adam West one.

Well, I'll hang you from my plane. And then he does a little 60s dance doing the fingers of his arms. Under the plane. That's much more frightening than anything the joke has ever done

oh speaking of um the the flash movie is out right oh fuck's sake every time i see a movie poster with a superhero on i want to fall to my knees and say enough oh it's too much now but what one thing i do that i won't let movies get away with is the posters on like the underground or on the bus will say the greatest superhero movie yet and then and then the credit of that quote the person who wrote it is in font that's so small you almost cannot read it and most people don't read it but i walk up right to the post and i'll look and the one for the flash is just someone on you went onto the tracks you went onto the tracks sir sir uh but the one for the flash it says like the best superhero movie of the year yeah or this is what a superhero movie is meant to be it's credited as a twitter account what yeah yeah i mean mean, that's when you...

And surprise, surprise, it's not very good. I mean, it must be... It must be dog shit. For even the pigs to not want to eat this particular acorn, it's got to be a pretty rotten acorn. Yeah, yeah. I love Batman and I'm not going to watch it. Even though it has keaton's background come

back which is the death knell for movies when the best thing about your new movie is the bit of a very old movie that you've squeezed into it wait wait wait so michael keaton pops up in in michael keaton's batman returns to the dc universe in this flash? And he's all old? Yeah. Yep. But all his fighting is done in, you guessed it, shiny CG. Oh.

So he flips about in CG. So you're basically, the superhero movies now, you're just watching a video game cutscene for three hours. Yeah, you're just watching a computer fight itself. It's utterly pointless. What is the next genre that's going to unexpectedly pin down western culture and shit in its mouth for oh that's a good question that's a very good superhero movies it used to be or whatever and then there was that i mean i know rom-coms still exist but then

in the 90s i mean that was the time for rom-coms wasn't it sort of mid to mid 90s on it felt like every big movie was a rom-com yeah yeah and so this article is interesting it says that marvel swallowed every genre so if you want to go see people instead of going out to see a comedy movie they'll see thor or ant-man yeah right yeah that's right okay and instead of watching porn they'll watch the flash um speaking of porn yeah i just i i just to on a quick trip to Paris Pierre ah the home of porn the home of porn where I went to

a couple of art galleries where there are lots of naked ladies hence the link I I was a lovely trip I met a friend

out in Paris just for a couple of days we went to art galleries I just I was hungry for art Pierre yes I needed to look at art I'm I this is a recent development in me is that from time to time i just like i need to look at some art some good art and at the pompadour which is a very fun name of gallery to

say i discovered the fauvists the fauvists fauvists who were, yeah. Who were... I mean, the most famous one is... Oh, rats. How have I forgotten? Kandinsky? Yeah. And... Eh?

He's not even the famous one. How have I forgotten this already? I'm going to find the famous one. But they're called the Fauvists because after the salon, the art salon of 1905, they come in with this new style, this sort of impressionist style

with broad brushstrokes and it's slightly abstract. And they were called beasts, which I think is Fauve or whatever in French. Ah, Matisse. Yeah. Was that the guy you French. Ah, Matisse. Yeah. Was that the guy you're thinking of, Matisse? Matisse, yes, of course.

Yes, he's famous on here, Matisse. And we looked at a bunch of the fauvists, and we looked at the impressionists, and I love the impressionists a bit. I just love it. Oh, really? I love them colors. I love the big colors.

I love the blurriness. I love... Oh, man, it's so great. I'm very taken with your takenness with art oh really yeah well this is just like uh you're you weren't exactly you weren't i don't remember you being any kind of big art guy at uni no no no no i don't really got into it sort of in the mid in my 20s

was there a particular piece of art that you had a sort of a Damascene conversion you were struck this time around what got you on this road? Oh, I don't...

There was a painting in the Musée d'Orsay, which I went back to this time, which I saw last time, which I absolutely adored, called The Excommunication of Robert the Pious. Oh. By Lorenz. Lorenz.

And I don't think it's particularly famous, but it shows the scene after Robert the Pious of France is excommunicated from the church for incest because I think he's married

his cousin or something but what's unique about the painting is that it shows the moment after so there's a lot of negative space in the middle and it's just him sort of his eyes are like wide and he's in shock and he's dealing with the revelation that he's been excommunicated the original cancellation and just in the corner you see the bishops leaving after they've told him that so you see the moment after it happened i'm just looking at it it's great yeah oh he looks properly like oh no as you would yeah and then his his lover who's related to him

is leaning on his shoulder like it's okay but then she's obviously a bit guilty because she because of them she literally frances no longer she literally sucked the soul out of his body but it's a great i really love the painting and since then um well i have a friend who works at a gallery who's really into impressionism so she's like held my hand through a lot of impressionism and i've gone back i went back to mizudose this time around i went and looked for this painting robert the pious and i loved it again but it didn't strike me like it did last time whereas this time the painting that struck me was a Kandinsky piece about

of two knights fighting but it's so impressionistic that you have to really look hard to oh I see let me see if I can actually find the knight errant hmm let me see if I can actually find the knight errant hmm

oh there's a bunch of stuff about knights this guy liked knights this guy liked knights but like the broad brush strokes and the bright colours I think because I'm entering a more colourful period of my life Pierre I like colours now I used because I'm entering a more colourful period of my life, Pierre. Oh.

I like colours now. I used to just wear black. Like all fat boys, I wore a lot of black. Like all fat boys. Yeah, I was told early on that black was... What is it? Slimming. Flattering.

Yeah, slimming. And you lugged that away in your little noggin. In my little coconut. Would you ever start to do some doodling, some drawing, some noodling? I'm so bad. You've got to practice. Although with impressionist stuff, I'm like, oh gosh, maybe I could do like this. Or if I could do that in a good way.

Is it like, yeah, but it's like saying you're bad at the guitar when you've only just picked it up it's it's the same thing i think right yeah um yeah i'm i'm very taken with this i i feel like uh it it it makes me it makes me here's here's a thing we haven't got too long before correspondence but i don't feel like i do enough stuff i've been quite busy lately so maybe that's why but this kind of thing you're saying that's some stuff that's loads of stuff as in like make something physical oh even just like going and looking at seeking out seeking out a painting sounds very nourishing to me oh it was and because i just went on the museo del sesay's website you can like search for a painting and they'll show you on the map

where it is so then I just went and found it it was nice to catch up with a piece of art I do but I haven't, it's been too long I don't, I should make time for these things, they sound good for you, they sound

healthy oh it was very nourishing oh man maybe we should just become very pretentious i'd love to become pretentious yeah i i i soft see myself when i'm older as being like wearing a turtleneck and being a patron of the arts and i'm really rude but people have to be nice to me yeah um because i sponsor something oh this is okay i'm gonna send you the the okay this is a picture it's yeah i think marvelous oh um i yeah i'd love to be a sort of stuffy patient of the arts with little round glasses do you think um do you think we could pitch bud pot as being like

because because like the chapman brothers like the ybas they did all sorts of like um art where they got a bunch of nazi army men and covered them in penises and stuff you know like all shocking or whatever do you think that we could present bud pod as like sort of performance art or like found art you know and like if we could just rejig the way they see this podcast that would be our way in and then we could get our turtlenecks and then we'd be one of them yes this has been a however many years long piece of uh performance art this book yeah like just send you the link grand experiment oh i'm looking at the uh the thing you sent me oh that is great isn't it it is just so abstract it's very abstract you really

have it's really hard to figure out where the knights are even meant to be but i can't okay so the title is the title of the painting improvisio sazione improv improvisation number 14 that's the other thing that's kind of dickish about these artists like you see the most amazing painting you've ever seen is like sketch yeah yeah yeah or piece of shit lady holding hat yeah yeah yeah i'm perfect improvisation number nine yeah just this thing i fucking did 14 14. That's what Budpod is. This is just... This piece is Budpod 218. That's true, actually.

Yeah, see? And this will be up in a gallery someday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible audio gallery full of poo and wee. People listening. Loads of really bored kids saying, is this supposed to be shocking? But what was really lovely is

you go to these galleries and the kids are actually really into it. They're really excited about it. I guess... The Museo d'Orsay is beautiful. I think it's my favourite art gallery in the world. It's a converted train station. The layout is amazing.

Have you been? I don't know I've been to Paris quite a few times but you know that when you do one of those days where you go to all the places

and it just becomes this like thirsty blur of galleries like you overfill your day I've been to I've certainly been

to the Lure I don't know if I've been to the Musée d'Orsay oh the d'Orsay is the thinking man's Louvre. This is what I say. Sacre bleu. It's the thinking man's Louvre. Oh my god.

This is the good stuff. Speaking of the good stuff. You need a round of glasses. I do. Speaking of the good stuff, we have to now enjoy your art, Podbuds, in the form of correspondence. Yes.

To letters, emails, phone calligraphies, to your desk, your sister, your best friend, to your letters, correspondence. It's the original found art, l'art trouvé, except we have trouvéd it in our inbox. Is that an actual genre of art, found art? Found art, yes, absolutely. Objects that you find that you then sort of turn into kind of sculptures or don't even touch at all. And what's the term for it? Oh, found art. I'm not sure if it is l'art trouvé, but it would, I guess it would would I don't know if that's actually a good translation

I don't know Let me see Where are we? Oh yes, that's what we did last time I think Oh no Okay, we've got some tat in from richard richard um um can could you couldn't be kitcher than richard you couldn't be kitcher than than tat i guess yeah uh richard says greetings jobby Greetings, jobbymeisters.

Jobbymeisters. It's Richard Scottish. Because that's Scottish for poo, right? It is a jobby. Maybe. He must be. I just encountered this appalling sperm tat. As in tat for sperm?

Really small? Yeah. That's like the line from what's blue steel oh what is this tat for sperm yeah really small tat

what is this tat for sperm zoolander yeah tat for sperm live spurt die nice that would be what it says don't even talk to me until i've had my ovum or like a big long list of like humorous like ball rules yeah yeah um i drink Yeah. I drink... Wait. One o'clock, two o'clock, semen o'clock floor.

Because all they drink is semen. Semen is like the food of sperm. Do you know that? What? The fluid of semen is where the sperm get their food. It's like their energy. Oh, that's why they're so wriggly. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder if it makes people wriggly. I'm sure there's some educational videos online. Some harrowing 70s educational videos. I just encountered this appalling sperm tat and had to share. What better way for kids to celebrate Mother's Day than by... Well, let's see if you can... Surely you can't whisper this.

A sperm can, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Let me just ask the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put the microphone into your crotch and we'll see. This tiny voice goes, um, is it?

Just this really little voice. Or no, it'd be a horrible, like a crowd of people arguing. Yeah, a screaming crowd. At best, it would sound like a stadium. Yes, yes, yes. Like just all. Do you reckon sperm, I reckon sperm are like good friends with each other because they're all like going for the same goal.

And really, as long as someone gets to it, it's mission accomplished. Or do you think they're friends with each other because they're all like going for the same goal and really as long as someone gets to it it's mission accomplished or do you think they're competitive with each other that's a very noble outlook you have on the old sperm yeah i've always maybe lionized sperm too much i've always said that about you and i'm just glad you've said it now so i can stop saying it behind your back think about phil is that he lionizes sperm too much everyone else at the party nodding yeah i've heard that um yeah in my head they're all sort of like limbering up like uh olympic hundred meters runners yeah or maybe they're all just like wriggly confused idiots just just flying like like balloons when you when you let go of the the mouth of the balloon

yeah i imagine they're like they're like zombies when a zombie like hears a noise yeah the noise is inevitably a car alarm set off by the hero's dog or similar yes yeah well okay let's see if you can whisper this so it's a it's a coffee mug okay okay full of sperm yeah yeah it's don't even talk to me until i've had my sperm that's like a porn stars coffee mug um so there's two cartoon sperm on on the mug and you can choose a cartoon sperm and you can put your name under it. Oh, so it's a customizable mug. Yeah, so it's for Mother's Day.

No. Yeah, that's what he said, for Mother's Day. So there's two sperm on this mug. Yeah, there's two sperm on this mug. Are they anthropomorphized? Are they like human-like? They're more like anime kind of... Tadpole.

Tadpole, fun, cute sort of thing. Yep. In this sample, one's called Kira, one's called Iris. The Kira sperm has got like a big happy anime mouth. The Iris one has got a small closed happy anime mouth, but is holding a love heart in its non-existent hands. Okay. And the bottom of the mug, will say just says we love mom right this is this is i can't imagine already i'm

amazed and shocked this is a freudian nightmare god god damn okay God damn. Okay. Above the sperm. The sperm in the middle of the mug, the bottom says, we love mom. Above the sperm, it says, thanks for blank, blank, blank. Wow. Thanks for accepting dad's spunk. Yeah, I mean, you're absolutely

in the right wheelhouse there, upsettingly. Really? Yeah. Thanks for letting Dad come. Letting. This is horrible. I hate this. Letting is funny.

That's for when you know your dad is like a gimp. Thanks for letting us in. you know your dad is like a gimp. Oh. Thanks for letting us in? I mean, that would be nicer than what it is. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's grim. So one sperm is offering a heart to the other sperm. No, no, the sperm is offering the heart to the viewer.

That's not right. Oh, to the viewer. Sorry, yeah. Phil, you've just been to an art gallery you know all about the viewer's eye and there's no fourth wall in this sperm mug so the sperm are breaking the fourth wall yeah yeah yeah it's very meta um thanks for oh thanks for being off pill I'll give you a clue

it's the first word of the three you're guessing it's thanks for not oh blank blank oh my god thanks for not... No. It can't be.

Thanks for not aborting us? No, it's less medical than that. Oh, Jesus. It's more sexual, kind of sexual, less medical than that. I really thought I saw the terrible realization in your eye there. Okay, I'm going to have to let you finish this.

Swallowing us. I thought it might be swallowing. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I know. And the advert says for up to six kids, so you can fit six cartoon sperm on the mug oh my god the world is a dark place

what kind of relationship do you have with your fucking mother where you look at that and you go ah this is what I need this is what the old gal will uh chortle at over her chocolates.

Ugh. And again and again. The thing about a mug is you use it again and again. You see it all the time. What would you... That's going to get handed to a builder at some point. Well, this goes back to our conversation we had a couple of weeks ago. Is there are mugs that

you use to give builders tea and mugs you do not? I would put this mug firmly in the you do not i would put this mug firmly in the second category i would hide this mug in the chimney oh fuck no so uh richard says what better way for up to six kids to celebrate mother's day than by conjuring the image of dad blowing his load into mom's face koji richard horrible really gross horrible no this is a maybe this is the most period this is the most sort of um prudish i feel i don't like families who are like open about sex with each other all the time or like joke about sex yeah and it's

something that i did not encounter until the uk, because obviously Asians do not do this. No. But occasionally in the UK, I'd come across. I'd encounter a sort of fun family, and they're like, oh, ho, ho. I remember having a girlfriend during high school, and we had her house to ourselves one day, and they left apparently the mom said to her well you'll be shagging all over the house oh no i just thought oh no they're supposed to think we're not doing anything also like i need to believe that

they think we're here just like making carts and crafts and then going to sleep in separate bedrooms also you're like oh and then you're also like you've just guaranteed that won't happen your bitch maybe that was the maybe that's the

game she's playing yeah I can't wait for you to fuck in my house well goodbye clever old mum yeah it is gross though I didn't like it they were cool

they were a really nice family but I thought that was too much I think that that was a grosser thing for me in what's it called train spotting what happens there so there's a character who fucks the school girl well she's like a teenager and he shits the bed all over the place yeah that's right and it comes out of the bedroom

and the parents are there having breakfast yeah and i was less disgusted by the shit flying all over the place than i was by the idea that the parents were like well here's that junkie our daughter's been fucking riding through the paper thin wall next door? Yeah, ghastly. What was that about? Why wasn't he getting chased out of that breakfast room with a fork by Is it good? I don't know. I found it very confusing though because South African

parents are, if not at an East Asian parent level of not into that sort of behaviour, then certainly close. Oh yeah. Certainly not to be discussed. Absolutely not. So we got a little message

from William. William. Let's get silly. I like this. Will says, Dear Land and Sea. I like that.

I like that a lot. Which do you think is which? I'm not sure. I drink a lot of water. And you are bigger. I'm bigger and crumblier like Land. And you drink a lot of water and you are bigger. I'm bigger and crumblier like land and you drink a lot of water. Firmer.

Yeah, maybe. You drink a lot of water and also you know Kung Fu so you're able to be like water. Yeah, I think we've got to the bottom of this. I'm CEO land, yeah. Also, I have many unplumbed depths. Yeah, and wet pants. Oh, oh speaking of i looked up the bloop

yeah did you like to look up a few weeks ago because i said how much i love the idea of an enormous mysterious creature in the sea i love the little heap i love the heebie-jeebies it gives me i like the bloop that there's a mysterious loud noise that was recorded in 1997 underwater. It's fucked, isn't it? And people don't know what it's from. Love it. I thought you'd like the bloop. Dear Land and Sea, I... So you remember I was trying to figure out how to recycle my frying pan? The

impossible task. Yeah, well he said he's basically given me some incredibly specific advice on how to do that which thank you very much, Will. I will take you up on that. Oh, great. And he says, anyway, as as is traditional I also offer up a fecal based anecdote for your delectation delicious yeah yum yum

you may be aware of the strange physiological oddity where upon arriving home despite feeling fine beforehand you suddenly need the loo. Yes. People often say once they see their front door, they suddenly need to go to the toilet.

Yeah, yeah. Like a greyhound seeing that rabbit thing fire out of the trap. Yeah, it just clicks into something primeval. Yeah. I'm at the poo place now. No doubt many of your listeners will have experienced having shut the door only to have to then run clenching to the loo crying, no, no, no, no, no. Well, our listenership probably, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.

Then this next sentence is, this is one sentence that begins the next paragraph made me laugh. I had a friend. I had a friend I had a friend They had a keen interest in anal sex Okay Okay, good for them And were vigorous and active In pursuit of this pastime

Wow That is a charmingly neutral way to phrase that William, good for you A keen interest Yeah, vigorous and active In pursuit way to phrase that, William. Good for you. A keen interest. They pursued it. Yeah, vigorous and active in pursuit. Looking up the... Looking up newspapers. What's not the confidentials?

What's it called? The personal ads? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Circling with marker pens. Potential. Yeah, yeah. Keeping an ear glued to the radio. One of the side effects of this was to weaken certain muscles in that area. Yes. So much so that the time passing between them needing the loo and then going was practically zero.

Oh, of course. That is a keen interest and frequency. Yes, the cap of the Ketchup bottle as it were had been Loosened Yes and they're not Clearly not giving it adequate time to To

Seal This combined with the previous issue Meant that nearly every time they turned into their driveway They shat themselves I really like the image of someone turning into the driveway after a big old anal sex session like in the red prius yeah ah back home click click click click ah back from another great day of anal sex yeah just shoving it right in there. Oh, that nine to five.

And then key in the door. Oh, honey, I'm home. I can smell. I know. I understand from passing this story on many, many times that occasionally women who have just given birth suffer from the same issue. My friend was able to resolve the problem by a course of core and kegel muscle exercises. Hopefully this information will

offer some hope to those of your listeners who are similarly afflicted. Koji, but spelt with a C. William. Koji. Continue on jacking it with a C. I suppose so. I suppose so. Have we heard that poem with Koji. Continue on jacking it with a C. I suppose so. I suppose so. Have you ever heard that poem with Koji

that the original meaning has been lost and all people have is the word and the spelling's starting to change? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. And people will sort of say, oh, it's lost. The meaning is lost to time, but it's just a general exhortation

to continue in your vigorous lifestyle. Wow, what a significant inflection point in the etymology of koji today. Yes, and for the people sending us, we get sent an absolute torrent of koji spottings. There's a character in something called koji. There's an ingredient called koji. There's some sort of restaurant called koji. It's everywhere. Oh, we're everywhere. sort of restaurant called koji it's everywhere oh we're everywhere butt pods going global that's right um but that is all the time we have for this episode um i i will just say that my last week of my tour this leg of the tour

is coming up this week and so i won't i won't be on the road again for months, and this week I'm in Swindon. I'm in Crewe. I'm in Aberystwyth in Wales, and I'm in Liverpool for the big final finale. So if you're in any of those places, do come. Yeah, you better, and I'm happy to say that, well, it'll be at time of release.

It'll be tomorrow, Thursday in Leicester Square, the big old show. It's sold out. There's a few comps that could be released at the last minute, but we did it. They said it couldn't be done. And by they, I mean my own brain. But we have sold out. Excuse me. Sold out, yeah, yes.

Other than that, come see me at the Fringe. Come see me on tour. It's all on Instagram. Find me on tour it's all on instagram find me on instagram i guess and patrons we'll see you on friday but koji for now koji bye