BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 219 - Emergency LIVE Pod from 205!

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

The boys are all tied up, so we are releasing the live bonus pod just for YOU!Intro is Come Dine With Me (Slimy), the lads chat Lineker and spice levels, Stanley Tucci, British kid’s TV and correspondence from Tom, Matt, Mark (front sleeping self-strangling). Sketch is Lucky Kentucky Jebediah Seven. Phil also tries to explain some sort of golden cage. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, PodBuds! Um, no non-pod this week. Phil's just finishing up his tour. I've had a whole bunch of shit. It's been crazy, so what we're gonna do is we've decided it's high time that, uh, you guys on the main feed here get the second half of BudPod Live recorded at the Leicester Square Theatre. It's been exclusive for a long time, a few months, and we're going to dish it out to you because we only have your best interests

at heart. To a degree, let's be frank. Okay, thank you very much to all the Pod Buds who came to Leicester Square Theatre last Thursday, who sold it out. 400 seats, biggest venue I've ever sold out on my own. Very proud, but very, very grateful. Thank you to all you guys who came and cheered, and people who co-jied me in the very streets of Soho, which made me feel like an old school sleazebag. Yeah, thank you guys that that was great it was very nice to do that in the same room as bud put live which you will be hearing the second half of shortly yeah really real nice real nice and um phil obviously passes on his thanks to the various kojis and and pod buds and so forth from the tour of which they have been legion uh so very nice thank you um if you missed my leicester square theater show

because it sold out we are looking into doing it again in november late november so Late November. So keep your ears flared like horrible trumpets for news of that. And other than that, in terms of stuff for me to plug, the Fringe, really, the Edinburgh Fringe. I've got lots of previews in and around the country, certainly the southeast of England. So if you want to see it before it goes to the Fringe when it's not ready. I am doing a new show at the Fringe. And then touring the old show.

Because life is too simple, isn't it? And it's good to add things to make it harder. I find. So, new show, Edinburgh Fringe. And then in autumn I will be coming near you. With the tour. look on my instagram all the details are there in the pned post and there's already like extra extra dates all kinds of shit like especially like brighton bristol cambridge my strongholds so yeah um take a look at that and then phil will be back on tour i think in the autumn as

well actually with the same show so i mean what uh what an autumn it'll be the boys will be on the road crisscrossing the land um okay great thank you very much guys and enjoy the second half of the bonus part kojiji, have a good week. See you Patreon people on Friday. It's bonus pod 205! It's bonus part 205! Yay! You're in your kitchen. At home.

Oh, it's nervous. You're nervous today. It's finally come. Come dine with me. You're only on Bloody Come Dine With Me, your favorite TV show. Jewel in the crown of Channel 4's schedule you've been thinking about what to make the guests are turning up you've not met them yet

you're the first of the episode you've been sort of really thinking hard about your menu what you're going to make for them but you've finally decided you're pushing the bar out a little bit but you what you're going to make for them, but you finally decided. You're pushing the bird out a little bit, but you think it's going to pay off. And the producer goes,

behind the camera producer goes, so, Podbird, what are you making there? You're pouring arborio rice into a pan. pouring arborio rice into a pan. Your onions are chopped chunkily at best. I'm making an aubergine risotto, you say. An aubergine risotto,

the producer goes. Wow, it's adventurous. Oh, no, you think, adventurous. Is that good? Is that bad? You think you overhear the sound guy go, slimy.

And you look up at him, but he's like, he acts like he didn't say anything. You're starting to feel a little bit doubt, a little doubt about your menu. But you go, no, no, look, it's too late now. I've made my decision. As long as I cook these aubergines right, they're not going to be too slimy.

It's a bit out there, but it's never been done before. People will remember this dish. And you continue cooking, pouring in the stock. And what are you going to have for dessert, the director says. What are you going to have for dessert? And you go, well, I was thinking, I grew up in the countryside and I always went around picking berries with the family

but I also really loved Horlicks as a kid. So I thought I'd marry those two together and I'm making a sort of horlicks compote but adorned with wild berries and there's a sort of pregnant pause as the crew films and records and direct and you don't know how this has gone

and you hear a little sound and you swear the cameraman just went saccharine like that sounds a bit sickly You hear a little sound. You swear the cameraman just went, saccharine. Sounds a bit sickly. And they go, what about your entertainment? What about your entertainment tonight?

And you go, I just bought a twister mat. Ding dong! Oh no. And you go, were they here already? And the director goes, shrugs like that. A knowing shrug. Mmm. Maybe they have. Ding dong. And you go,

oh God. You rub your hands on your apron. You try and finish off the risotto. Oh, the aubergine is starting to look slimy. And you go, you fix your hair and you waddle over to your front door and you ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. You smell your breath. And you go, you fix your hair, and you waddle over to your front door, and you ah, ah, ah, ah, you smell your breath.

And you open the door, why, hello, thank you for, and there's no one there. Peculiar. Ding dong! What? How are you, you look over at your doorbell on the outside, and it's gone, ripped out of the wall. There's two, ripped out of the wall. Just two wires

poking out. And you go, what the ding dong? It's definitely coming from inside the house. You turn back inside, you close the front door. Ding dong. You follow the sound. Ding dong. It's taking you to under the stairs. Ding dong. Well, that's the toilet. That's the bathroom. Ding dong. It's taking you to under the stairs. Ding dong.

Well, that's the toilet. That's the bathroom. Ding dong. The sound's coming out of the downstairs toilet. Ding dong. And your hands are trembling. They're shaking. And the

crew have huddled around you, and the director's like, you got this, you got this, you got this. He's saying to the cameraman, you got this, right? He's like, yeah, I got this. And ding dong. And you turn the handle, and you open the door. And it's Phil and Pierre. In your downstairs toilet.

And Phil is pressing Pierre's nose. Ding dong! Ding dong! And Pierre looks to you and says, yummy, yummy dinner time! We've come to dine with you! Welcome to Bonus Paul! Yay!

I have three things to say one is how funny it was because some of you have been brought and some of you may not be patrons and you may not know that that is how we start the bonus pods and beforehand Phil was like should I is how we start the bonus pods. And beforehand, Phil was like, should I explain that we start the bonus pod with a mad intro to the VIP area based on something that came up in the main pod?

No, no, we won't. We'll just go straight in. And we couldn't do El Salvador in Mega Prison because we've done that one. We've already done that, obviously. Obviously, we've done that one. The other two things I like were I like the fact that the person is called Podbud

because it reminds me of the generic name from the old Pokemon Game Boy games. Where you're talking to a character and it's like, oh, thank God you're here, Player One. And you go, that's what that menu was. I should have put my fucking name in. I really like... Slimy. Devastating one-word critique

of Slimy. I just love the idea of sort of like a subtly bitchy film crew. Yeah. They've seen a lot of episodes of Come Dine With Me. They have opinions at this point. They know what's going to work and what's not going to work. Do you think people who film on cooking shows gradually through osmosis

absorb really good cooking techniques just because they have to constantly observe and hear about them over and over again? I guess it depends on the cooking show. If it's Come Dine With Me, probably not. They just get ruder and ruder. They get really good at being cutting, yeah. Slimy.

That's good. Whereas, like, yeah, maybe on MasterChef or something, I pick up a few things. Yeah, I don't know, really. Yeah, I wonder if some, like, cameraman just become extremely skilled at the things. Like, David Attenborough's cameraman is really good at sort of galloping across tundra.

really good at sort of galloping across tundra. And sort of eating out of hard nuts. Yeah, foraging. Yeah, and chasing snakes. Or escaping snakes, I guess. That's a famous one. They're really good at capturing moments where animals turn their heads a little bit, like this.

Yeah. Takes years to nail that. I like that a lot. Would you ever do Come Dine With Me? You're quite a cook. I like to cook. No, because I'm that level of cook where I don't want to find out I'm actually not that good. I'm good enough that I have illusions, but not good enough to know that illusion could come crashing down at any point. And I don't really want to put myself to that. Also, the thing that would come down to me, the real challenge is the entertainment bit.

Yeah. Because it's fucking psychotic. It's no dinner party in the world has ever gone that way. No. It is weird. It's like they've gone, well, like a normal dinner party.

Appetizer, main, dessert, there'll be a cocktail of some kind, and then knife throwing. And then there'll be the part where the host stands up and sings the names of his ancestors and their deeds. Yeah, because everyone always has a problem with entertainment. Yeah, they go, I hated that bit where it was no longer a dinner party. Yeah, we had to improvise

beat poetry. Yeah, I hated that bit at the end where it was shit. Yeah, you were supposed to hate that, yeah. Yeah. Here's a,

it's not a hot take, but it's a medium take. Oh, this is the other thing. On the bonus pod, we indulge in spicier takes than we do on the normal podcast because we feel safer. Yeah, for the same reason

that HBO can show all those floppy dicks and stuff. If you're paying a subscription to watch something, it's a lot harder to complain justifiably. You'd be like, well, I didn't know

when I was subscribing to the floppy dick tit drama channel that I'd see some floppy dicks and tits. Whereas if it's on the BBC, then you can say it's a disgrace, actually.

You won't see that on the BBC. You won't see that on the BBC. Oh, speaking of... Well, I'll just say my medium take before your actual take. Oh, okay, you take your medium take. My medium take is, initially, has anyone here watched the Stanley Tucci show

where he just sort of wanders around Italy tasting things? Yes. All sexy, bald food guy. All the sexiest food guys are bald. Anyway. Is that true? Yeah. Anthony Bourdain? He wasn't bald?

Wasn't he? No. I don't know. That's not the take. The take is that initially you want to go, Stanley Tucci's job is to drive around Italy just tasting delicious things. So you go, oh, that's a fucking dream job. It's an easy, you know, lucky him. I disagree.

I think that's really difficult. Wait. Okay, you go. This is my spicy take. Because everyone he meets has put their life into their fucking risotto or their custard tart or this one weird vegetable that they

fricasseed in some way. And it's like their whole life has been put into this and they're famous for it and that's why Stanley Tucci's there with a full crew and it's from the BBC. Big, famous, they've told their whole family I'm going to be on Stanley Tucci. That's what they call it in Italy, at the BBC.

At the BBC? In Italy. Which means BBS. Hmm? BBS. BBS. Come on guys, I've been up here for a long time.

You're having water, I'm having Diet Coke, that's why. Anyway, so there's pressure on Stanley Tucci to say the right stuff as he tastes this mouthful of whatever, which for all we know could be fucking awful.

He's tasting it and like, oh, and it's because there's local piss in it. That's wonderful. And he has to go, oh, oh my God.

Well, I can see why that's so special. I mean, wow. And I watched loads of it and every time he's like wow

and he's doing all these like Italian gestures to the dish like I'm glad we flew out here this boiled rice is much better than the rice

I've had at all the other fabulous restaurants I've been to it's a lot of pressure on his face acting yeah how much do you eat yeah it's a lot of pressure on his face acting. How much do you eat? It's definitely cold after the ninth take of you sipping and going,

and how do you, does the chef still think you're sincere? Right. Do they go, hang on, Stanley, that was the same yum yum face you pulled on take four. On all the other episodes I've seen. On the other episodes, you slut. Yeah. You all the other episodes I've seen. On the other episodes you slut. Yeah.

You were rubbing your stomach when you were going around Granada in Spain. That was the same face you pulled with a prosciutto or whatever. Yeah, exactly. That's a lot of pressure

on Tucci. I mean, I guess you could say Tucci's sort of thing he's got going there is a bit of a gilded cage, really, because... Hold on, hang on. Hang on, sorry. Could we stop the recording for a second?

Don't stop the recording. So, hang on, wait, wait. Say that again, because the people started cheering and I didn't quite hear what you said. It's a what? It's a gilded cage. Gilded? Yeah, cage.

G-I-L. G-I-L-D-E-D. Gilded. So like gold, golden. Like, yeah. Oh. Or at least of lace with gold. So wait, like when you...

So like a gold-plated cage? No, like made of gold. Like made of gold. As valuable and precious. But that would be good, wouldn't it? No, like made of gold. Like made of gold? As valuable and precious. But that would be good, wouldn't it? Well, this is a thing. I'm glad you brought that up because... Yes, it is good, but still it's a cage and you are in it.

I'm in it. You're trapped, which is not good. Even though I own it and it's made of gold and therefore valuable. Well, it is sort of valuable in the inherent sense. In the absolute sense of value, of monetary value specifically, it is valuable because it's gold. It's solid gold, which has a high value, a high price, famously for a long time has always been very valuable.

gold, which has a high value, a high price famously for long times and has always been very valuable. So what use is that value if you're trapped? If you're trapped in the cage. So that's bad. It's sort of like it's bad, but it's also good.

But the good is in a way that it almost doesn't matter. I'm trapped inside a good thing. Yeah, I still think you're giving too much on the good. It's mostly bad, I think. To be trapped. Mostly bad to be trapped. So in this situation,

Stanley Tucci, the gold is all the lovely food and pretty places he gets to go to, but the cage... He also has to go to them. He has to go to them. The cage is he has to go to them. Okay.

And he has to pretend each experience is unique and really nice. I think I'm getting it. I'm going to have to... You get it. It's tough. It's tough. I had to do a course. A real apology there for people who had to be brought for that.

Fuck it up. Bloody hell. I cannot tell you how hard I laughed when, I don't know if you saw on social media, we got a message from a lady saying what is happening? Who was it?

No way. Was it you? Did you leave the comment saying, I thought I was losing my fucking mind? She's here. I cried laughing for over an hour on my own in my flat, just at how much I could feel for you, just listening, going, what is this?

Did you not say, I swear you've explained before what a gilded cage is. You guys didn't get this before and you've already covered it. You're like checking to see if your podcast app had downloaded the right one. Just the thing you dream of, really. That comment was Stanley Tucci's yum-yum face

and I was a risotto chef from some fucking... That was the reaction I dreamt of when I made it. Anyway. It was very satisfying. Very satisfying. Before your spicy take, shall we do... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to do a favorite of mine and hopefully of you. I like to stand. Yeah. Phil's more formal than I am. More respectful.

Please hit the music. Exclusivity Does anything make you feel As good and important As exclusivity That light tickle in your belly That says Sure we're all equal in the eyes of the Lord But

I'm just that little bit better. We believe that special people deserve special opportunities, which is why Lucky Kentucky is proud to offer exclusively to Bud Pod Patreon subscribers our new limited edition whiskey Jebediah 7 named after our founder Jebediah Menelaus and the seven laborers who died building his first distillery Jebediah 7 is aged in oak barrels

made from the very same oak Jebediah refused to allow to be used for his laborers' coffins laughter the wood imbues the whiskey with the unmistakable notes of vanilla, hazelnut, and the blood of the families that dared to defy him in their quest to bury their careless, clumsy laborer husbands. Jebediah 7 has aged

for a total of 20 years. The same amount of time the lawsuits languished before being thrown out by the Kentucky judicial system in which Jebediah had many good friends. Good friends in high places.

And who better to share a glass of Lucky Kentucky Jebediah 7 than with good friends? High places optional. Jebediah 7, a taste of history, a taste of Kentucky, a taste for those of us who are just that little bit better. Thank you. A taste for those of us who are just that little bit better. I said backstage before we came out here,

I think this one might be too dark. I said, do you want to tell me? And he went, no. That was good. That was good. That was good for the patron as well. It's a little spicier. Whiskey with a bit of spice in. Exactly, a little spice, a little spice.

I like the use of the word clumsy. And who dared to defy him. It's very funny. There is something sort of frightening about the... What's it? What's the fucking whiskey that this is based on? Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels, yeah. There is something...

There is something kind of sinister about his legend. It is a sinister... Yeah. This was... The whole sketch is inspired by those massive fucking tube ads where it's like 11 paragraphs and the history of... Jack Daniels loved acorns

or whatever and you go right and Jack Daniels was alive in 18 18 and you're sort of going for your sake I hope post 1870 but it wasn't post 1870 yeah

and they really try and emphasize the latest ones are not as good as the long semi-historical paragraphs. Now it's just like a picture of a lady with an indefinable drink kind of slightly blurred in front of a keyboard in a club, and it's like, Jack Daniels, drink future good.

And you go, right. Oh, there's a new one I saw. I don't know if it's tweeted at us or saw it elsewhere, but the Lemsip ad on the tubes. Oh, yeah? It says, however you cold. Use Lemsip. However you cold.

However you cold. It's not a thing I... I'm going to have a cold this weekend, actually. I'm colding this... I can't come. I'm colding right now. It sounds like you're shedding something. I'm colding. I'm colding. How do you cold? Well. I can't come. I'm colding right now. It sounds like you're shedding something. I'm colding.

I'm colding. How do you cold? Well, I like snot. There's only so many ways you can cold. And then none of them are choices. Or charming. None of them are like something you want to eye cold like this. I like the one where the mucus comes out of the holes in my face.

But my boyfriend likes to shit. But we make it work. That's just how we cold. That's how we cold. That's just how we cold. That's how we cold. Absolutely disgusting. I'd rather never have medicine again

than talk like that. I'd rather, like, people employed by Lemsip walked around the tube, snotted in their hand, wiped out my face, and went, buy Lemsip.

Yeah. I'd prefer that. I agree. I'm not even exaggerating, I agree. Tell me your spicy take. My spicy take is about

the week's controversy, which is Gary Lineker and the BBC. Oh yeah, remember? It happened. It happened. It happened. Try it.

The crazy thing is that it happened and finished between... Budpods. Between Budpods. Because it feels like it's been a scandal for 11 months. Yeah. It's like three days or something crazy. Yeah. But trust the BBC to use those three days in the most efficient manner to do the dumbest thing at every single point

of the journey. The BBC is like Mr. Bean. It doesn't matter what the situation is. It's not going to work. It's not going to go well. It's like, no, he's going to find a way to slip in that. And he will. I have two kind of spicy-ish takes on this.

Okay. So just to get... I mean, everyone knows the story, I have two kind of spicy-ish takes on this. Okay. So just to get everyone, I mean, everyone knows the story, but Gary Lineker tweeted about Suella Braverman and the small boats policy saying this is awful, and then someone replied to him, and then Gary Lineker replied to that guy saying

it uses language not dissimilar to language used in 1930s Germany. Yeah. And so that's the one that he got really in a lot of trouble for, and then BBC, they blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then they said, actually, 1930s Germany. And so that's the one that he got really in a lot of trouble for. BBC, blah, blah, blah. And then they said Ashley's fine. And they went, Ashley's not fine. You're fired.

And he went, okay, fine. And then everyone else went, I'm Gary Lineker. And... Yeah. And then they had no football programming for the weekend, which is when football happens, I've heard.

And so now they've had to back down, and they've ensured for themselves the worst of all worlds, as they always do. Now, as we said, the BBC is a very big corporation. Most of it is fantastic. It's just badly managed. It's whoever's in charge of the crises. Yes.

Everyone else works quite well. This is my first spicy take, is that the great crisis over the last six years in the UK has been a crisis of lack of managerial talent. And it all stems from Brexit. of managerial talent. And it all stems from Brexit. Because Brexit was inherently unserious and incompetent,

and it legitimised a generation of unserious, incompetent managers and government. So it punched a hole in reality. It all trickles down because the government chooses the director general right of the BBC and the chair of the board is you know

he was part Tory and so that incompetence has trickled down from

from Brexit and the Tories are right about trickle down but it doesn't

happen with money it happens with incompetence and and he didn't want to go on question time. Come on, this is good stuff.

The people of Aberystwyth would clap this, wouldn't they? But on my other side, my countering spicy take, is that the great crime of... One of the shames of how the BBC mishandled this was I became about what BBC staff and BBC journalists and BBC presenters should and shouldn't say when they could have

just said, this is fine, this is simple, you're not a journalist, you can say this. And we missed the opportunity to have the interesting conversation which was that it is undeniably crass to invoke the interesting conversation, which was that it is undeniably crass to invoke the Nazis at every single possible opportunity, which is what Gary Lineker did

and which I think he shouldn't have done. And I think that's a more interesting nuanced conversation about how liberal people make their points without being crass. And we missed the opportunity to have that conversation because the BBC was so stupid where I had this meta, that conversation because the BBC was so stupid we had to have this meta bigger conversation with the more obvious answer that we had to spend three days coming back to

it would be funny though if people started instead of just going Nazi straight away they went for some of the Nisha far right regimes I honestly think that yeah bring up Idi Amin or something Pinochet, a bit of Pinochet Pinochet never gets a look in Franco? It's a Pinochet I mean, or something. A bit of pin of shame. Pin of shame never gets a look in.

Franco? It's a pin of shame. It's a pin of shame. It's a pin of shame. Frankly, Franco should come up more. Phil does have puns, but they're all the names of far-right dictators. I like to stir the bowl pot. was I going to say okay we're in

way territory now we're in way territory it would have been we must never be in way territory it would have been very funny I would have been

I cannot tell you how quickly my monocle would have popped out my eye if I'd seen Gary Lineker start referencing like EDR mean

and stuff on Twitter I'd be like Gary okay Gary Gary not just a ball boy Idi Amin and stuff on Twitter. I'd be like, Gary! Okay. Gary! Not just a ball boy. That's what I call ex-footballers.

You react to that the same way most people react to someone's glow up? Yeah. Oh! Stop snapping my fingers. Come through, Gary, with Idi Amin references. Come through, someone's been reading. Come through, Gary, with the Idiomine references. Come through.

Someone's been reading. We're centrists. We haven't watched the football or drag race. We don't like anything popular. That's our position. We only know enough to reference it in relation to more niche things that we do want to talk about. That we do want to talk about, like penne che. That's good.

That's my spiciness. What I like is that your two medium spicy takes are fighting, like you've mixed a sort of a booner and a madras. Yeah, I'm such a... They're sort of in conflict, but they create an overall spice. Isn't it like a madras versus a dal or something, and they sort of cancel each other out? No, because they're both spicy. Oh, they're both medium spicy.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes. Sorry. You will. If you'd confused curry spice levels like that on Question Time. Yeah. Shoes and glass. Yeah, but this is my position.

It's like, but what about the more nuanced conversation we could have had? That this is my position. It's like, but what about the more nuanced conversation we could have had? That's always my position. Immediately you're drowned out by the sound of Nigel Farage armpit farting. Immediately you're just the guy going like, but why don't we study? You're so quickly bullied

out of the conversation. Yeah, my political position is very much, Miss, you forgot to give us homework. That's very much. You're just the Lisa Simpson of politics. We should do some... Some VIP correspondence. VIP correspondence, yes.

VIPC. Oh, can it be done? Can it be done? Can it be done? The Patreon app is shit. People are afraid to say it. Spicy take. But it's true. Quick update based off the last Bud Pod Live from Tom.

Hello, I thought you should know that my girlfriend and I were unable to come to Bud Pod Live because she had norovirus and shit herself. Okay, thank you. An appropriate reason not to were unable to come to Budpod Life because she had norovirus and shit herself. Okay, thank you. An appropriate reason not to be able to come. That was the real test all along. That's how

Tom and his girlfriend win the Budpod factory. A real fan would have shit themselves at home. We burst into his toilet. You brilliant boy. You wonderful boy. You wonderful boy. Look what you've done.

But before that, we were really mean. I couldn't calm myself. You got nothing. I hope you guys have seen the old Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or that's another... It's a great movie, man. It's so good.

Matt, Bud Pod Live reaction for the last one. 1A, he says, in reaction to the fact that everything you like is something to do with chewing, like hillbilly culture. Kid Rock and wrestling. 1A of his matters he's raising to our attention. Oh, I see, I see, I see.

1,A. You're a Philbilly. Philbilly! We missed that Philbilly. You're a Philbilly. I like Stone Cold Steve Austin. I like Kid Rock. I'm a Philbilly.

You're a Philbilly. Nice. He says, I once had an appointment with British Gas because my boiler needed fixing. The man who came to fix it introduced himself as Steve. Only once he'd left and handed me the receipt did I realize his name had been Steve Austin all along. Wow. Wow. And when he left, was there like, pshh, like a glass shattered? He said, he stopped my flat being stone

cold. I'm so sorry. Nice. Come through. We and Boo. I don't like that. We stan upon King. Come through. We stan upon King. We stan upon king. Come through. We stan upon king. We stan upon king.

Accept it. This is the new me. Oh. What a really disgusting thing to say. Mark gets in touch. Mark, how stark. That's a pretty stark name, actually. Dear Plop Buds.

Founding farter and long-time patron. Love seeing your live episode in Soho. I'm afraid I have to admit to being one of the apparently rare front sleepers you refer to in episode 200. Sleeps on his front? Sleeps on his front. I was sure John Lewis had made these people up.

Front sleeper. Incredible. How does he breathe? How does he breathe? He must have a face like a pug at this point. He must have a dick and balls like a pug's face at this point. Just all smushed. I'm now able to enjoy

a variety of sleeping positions. Side, back, front. Are there any others? There's not like a 45 degree one, is there? I mean, it'll take too much core strength. Yeah, you're just

planking all night. Curled up. Fetal, this fetal. Fetal, this fetal. But in my teenage years I slept exclusively on my front. Head to the side.

Is anyone truly face down, he asks. Still, you still look like you've just been shot. Yeah. You look like the front page of a newspaper in a murder mystery. Horrible. Really horrible. What a thing for your mother to find in the morning. Every morning, wake up.

Honey, wake up. Honey, wake... Oh, yeah, I forgot. That's just how you sleep. Every morning, you wake up like the exorcist or like an owl. Morning. I would love to disabuse you of the notion that we're a bunch of psychopaths. But in these teenage years, I found the most comfortable version of this to be where one arm was under my torso. What?

With one hand on my throat. What? Hang on. Oh my god, like an upside down vampire. Yeah, kind of. Or like Tutankhamun, but been flipped. Yeah. If you flipped Tutankhamun onto the side.

With my hand on my throat, yeah. Like one of those Peruvian sky mummies. Oh my gosh. One guy really liked that. That's all I need. One night my arm went to sleep, as I must have been lying on a nerve, and I woke up and not feeling my arm

thought someone else had their hand on my throat. Ugh! I think the most disturbing part of that is someone would strangle you by squeezing their hand under your armpit. Like someone comes in with a black glove. Haha, finally going to get my rip. He's on his front.

He's concealed his neck somehow. They want to kill you, but they don't want to wake you. That would be rude. They don't want to disturb you. Oh, I'll just quickly strangle you like that. There we go. Excuse me. Like a sort of sleeping baby. I woke up and not feeling my arm

thought someone else had their hand on my throat. My instinctive brain kicked in and tensed my muscles causing me to strangle myself in response. So he's like Like Thing from Adam's Family Funny unnecessary way to wake up That's so funny man Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed Where you have no idea way to wake up. That's so funny, man.

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed where you have no idea. I've written in once before with other tales of my body acting weirdly. Open brackets. The forever boner. Close brackets. This is the same Mark as the forever boner. And this is now making me question whether or not I'm in fact possessed. Koji like there's No tomorrow, Mark.

Thanks, Mark. P.S. I tried to get chat GPT to write me a better intro since many of your fine correspondents have comprehensively pun mined your names. I'm not sure if our role writing the puns is in jeopardy yet. Me, colon. Write me a

juvenile pun using Pierre and Phil. Chat GPT. Why did Pierre invite Phil to his French class? Because he wanted to teach Phil how to say wee wee like a true Pierre. Well, I mean, to be fair, I did get wee into it, which is relevant to our... You could sense the toilet aspect of the podcast. I feel like this is about Bud Pod.

Yeah, I've mined the entire internet, and I've just noticed a lot of the word poo being associated with these names. Wee-wee, like a true... Like a true Pierre. Wee-wee and Pierre are both in quotes. You want to say wee-we we, like a true Pierre. Which makes my name

seem like some sort of slur or something. But yeah, I don't think the AI is much of a threat to us. Oh, no, I don't think so. You feel safe? I think I feel safe from this. I mean, we don't know how this goes. You know, we don't know how this goes.

We don't know how to do this, so I don't think the AI is going to know. We're smarter than the AI at the moment, and we have no idea what the... We don't even know what Gilded Cage is. We've got no idea. James Jackson asks for my Bill Tong recommendations. James, snoggies. Snoggies.

The delicious meat of South London. Which is another slightly creepy phrase I didn't think I would say. I mean Snoggy's is quite the great comedian John Hastings, Canadian he always said that moving over here

he found the idea that the word snog meant something nice like kiss. It was crazy. It sounded violent and horrible. It sounded like someone... The way he expected it to be used would be like, we're going to take that guy outside and snog him to hell. I always think of that when I hear the word snog.

It is a horrible word. It's a really horrible word. It is really, really gross, actually. I tried to justify my position, and you know this. Here's a hot take. all British children's television is disgusting not the modern stuff but the classic stuff I like the classic stuff it's sort of unsettling

in a comforting kind of way I like that it's unsettling but as a child I moved here and I was just like what the fuck is this I had Power Rangers relatively high budget stuff every British children's show was literally made in a shed I had Power Rangers. Yeah. You know? Relatively high budget stuff.

Every British children's show was literally made in a shed. Yeah. Every single one by a lone man. My stanglepuss was just a lone guy. He was like, I'll make a sort of... I'll make a weird cat. Yeah.

I'll make a weird cat for the kiddies. Yeah. Sorry, darlings. You're going to my shed. You're not working on the cat, are you? Yes. I'm working on the cat. Well, perhaps we could film it and let the children see. I'm so glad you said that.

Let's just go, Britain's weirdest men, an inexhaustible supply of felt and glue. And just have at it, do what you like. All British kids TV is like a Krusty the Clown parody of what Americans think our TV would be like. What's that, Billy the Copper?

There are no more bimble buns for the crimple stunks to eat. And then like a tuba with a crown goes, Oh! What is this? Something David Lynch would do. Yeah, really haunting.

Really horrible. Well, speaking of haunting, we have to leave you now. That is haunting. Yeah, yeah. You have to be haunted by our presence until next year as we have to leave you now. That is haunting. Yeah, yeah. You have to be haunted by our presence until next year. We're out of time. We're out of time.

But thank you so much for coming. Thank you guys for coming. What a thrill. And if every single one of you could also buy a ticket to see my stand-up show in this room as well, that would be a great relief. It's on June 15th. It's a wonderful show. In this very room. It's a wonderful show. In this very room. It's a superb show.

But guys, thank you so much for coming tonight. Thank you very much for coming out, guys. So nice to see you all. Please give it up for everyone

at Leicester Square Theatre. Yep. Give yourselves a round of applause for supporting the podcast all this time slash being brought here by your partner.

Yes. Well done. Thank you to Avalon for sorting it out. Thank you to Avalon. And big enough for Pierre. Big enough for Avalon for sorting it out. And big enough for Pierre. Big enough for Phil as well. Koji, everybody.

Koji, guys. Koji. Okay, thank you. Bye.