BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 225 - Crapan

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

The lads discuss shongololos, ghosts, scooby doo, muscle men, Pierre's got great blood and Phil is a pervert who needs earplugs, Paye-mint Accept-TADE! in the Co-Op, P gets in touch South Afritat, Martha's mum's travails, Johnson's Crapan-based Ninja club and not eye balls Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 225! 225, uh... Voodoo Hive! Voodoo Hive? Voodoo Hive is a... and I know last week we talked a lot about bees, but Voodoo Hive is a hive of bees. Uh-huh. And each bee is assigned to a person. And if you find that bee, you can

do stuff to him and it'll happen to the person. Like a doll? Yeah, like a voodoo doll. That's interesting. You know, the doll part of voodoo comes from European witchcraft, not from African. Oh. Interesting. It's a different part of the melange.

Right, right right right so if you would go to if you actually went to but voodoo is is voodoo from the Caribbean yes but it's from the slaves right so it's a mixture of

traditional medicine and traditional ritual and stuff from West Africa and there's no doll stuff in it at all no well the idea of a doll

that you put pins in yeah that's European witchcraft. Oh. I don't know why it was packaged as voodoo. Well, no, it's just, it's syncretic. Syncretic?

Yeah, it's a mixture. Oh. Well, because they're picking up some witch stuff from the slave owners, from the whites. Oh, you mean, okay, okay, okay. I thought you were saying that

actually, we've sort of supplanted, in popular culture, we've supplanted European witchcraft into voodoo but voodoo actually does IRL back in the day right

yeah yeah yeah yeah whereas if you were to presume you'd presume

oh that must be some crazy thing and it's like no you've just forgotten your own a lot of pin stuff in European witchcraft a lot of pins

putting pins in fingers and things oh yeah oh it's acupuncture yeah oh yeah European witchcraft of pins. Putting pins in fingers and things. Oh. Oh, that's acupuncture. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had some acupuncture done. Wait, did I? Yes.

My back, when I had lower back pains. Did it work? All these things work for a bit. They give you this... I think the idea is that it encourages blood flow in the area and I think that always helps but eventually that subsides.

And you just go, my back hurts again. Yeah, and I've got all these holes in me. And then when I got suction cups, I just looked like I'd been sort of, I'd been wrestling an octopus because I just saw all these purple marks

all over my back. Did you feel better from suction too? Again, for like an afternoon. Maybe a day. Gosh. But at the time, I was at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And so each show,

I'd turn around and show everyone my back. And they'd go, and I would be able to tell how far along the recovery was, depending on how loudly they went. Okay. Because eventually they just went, huh? So after a week, you just went, oh! Okay. Because eventually they just went, huh?

So after a week, yeah, you just went, oh, it must be healed. That's funny. Did you do a sort of Def Jam set about like,

I wish they'd lit a special candle suction cup, oh my, dude! Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I should say as well, we got sent on Instagram and Twitter a lot, a sort of free water sign in a cafe where they've tried to write free water twice Twitter a lot. A sort of free water sign in a cafe where they've tried to write free water twice in a grid. Right?

Free water twice in a grid. So free water once normally across, the way words are, and then down as well. Okay. But using some of the same letters. Yeah. So like that.

But it just writes the word fart. Oh no! It does say fart. Yeah. I'm going to retweet that on the Budpod Twitter account so you guys can see the fart. You can see the fart. I can see it.

Yes, I don't... Would I do acupuncture? Maybe, but I'd have to... I'd probably only do it if I was in the place. You wouldn't go to an acupuncture place? Not in London. You'd be getting like a coffee and then go, oh, we also do acupuncture.

And you go, oh, yeah, yeah. But I would want to be in the country that it's from. Okay. Or a country where it's practiced a great deal. Yeah. As opposed to just like, hi, I'm Barry, I'm your acupuncturist. Are you like, ah, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's fair enough. I treat it the same as I treat Asian food. If there's Asian people in there. So what if it's like full of Asian people in there and getting their backs poked? From Barry though. No, not from Barry. Yeah, that's the thing. I'd be really impressed with Barry

if I saw that. But I mean, it's in the UK. Yeah, then I'm more more then i'm thinking maybe i'll buy some uh powdered seahorse while i'm in there dried seahorse oh i mentioned this the other day when i was on tv recording i i'd only remembered recently that um when i was a kid i was given medicine for ghosts let's tell you this? No. No? You've mentioned some of your cultural interactions with the spirit world

before to me, but I don't think so. Yeah, well, I was very afraid of the dark as a kid. Yeah. I had terrible trouble sleeping. And so my father... You've grown out of that.

My father really wanted to help me and he was just like, I guess he can see ghosts. A kid who's afraid of the dark what are you seeing ghosts and then you're like well i hadn't considered that till now but and i was given i was given i yeah i drank something really ghost yeah ghost potion yeah ghost tonic but it was to remove a power from you. It was kryptonite. Oh, yeah, it was to weaken me.

Yeah. I've never been able to see a ghost since. I've lost touch with all my ghost friends. That's a really, really short version of Sixth Sense. I see dead people. Drink this. No, you don't. Oh, yeah, there we go.

Thank you. There you go. Phew. God. That was a stressful week. Anyway anyway time to carry on being seven yeah little danny or whatever his name is just get some ghost juice get some ghost juice you know well because so i was recently on this um recorded tv show a panel show and talking about horror movies and so i started talking about how i don't like horror movies because they're too scary and then i realized that the reason i find horror movies

so scary is i grew up in a country where the adults believed in ghosts so yeah you know ghosts are very real for me and what if there's a ghost and your own parents were like yeah good good point son i'll go hadn't thought of that oh shit so every horror movie for me. What if there's a ghost and your own parents were like, yeah. Good point, son. Oh, go ahead and thought of that. Oh, shit. So every horror movie for me was just an introduction to a new ghost I had to worry about. Yeah, you were watching it like a David Attenborough documentary. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, there's a humpback whale? This one comes out of the TV. I'm always watching the TV. I thought they were old-fashioned. Oh, yeah. You're telling me they're in tech now? I thought they'd have to come out of a typewriter at least. The ghosts are in tech? Haunted tech?

That's true. Your fears are validated or invalidated by your parents. It's like when a little kid falls over, there's always a moment where they're not sure if they should cry or not. And if the parent goes, oh, no, they'll go, eh. But the parent just goes, hey, hey, way, they'll go, eh. They go, ha, ha, that was fun. Yeah.

That's true. They sort of look and go, time to scream. Yeah, yeah. Time to scream. I hate that when I see a parent who doesn't know that. Yeah. And everything that their kid does is just like... Oh no, you're going to bleed to death.

You're going to bleed out here on the playground. It's not good. It's not good for the kid. No, you've got to toughen up that kid. Give him some ghost juice. Make him drink some ghost juice and laugh at their injuries. Do you remember the ghost juice? Did it kick in immediately?

Well, it didn't kick in because it wasn't real. Sure, but nor were the ghosts. That's true. So, I guess, you know, gotta fight fire with fire. Cure this imaginary problem with some imaginary medicine. No, it didn't fix it. I stayed afraid to the

dark forever. Forever. So, was your dad like, I must have been sold some bum ghost juice? I think it was just... He might have just been like, well, I've tried everything now. I guess he's just scared for life. Physicians have nothing left to say about this frightened boy.

Was it just the dark? Did you have any phobias? I just didn't like the dark. I didn't like having to go to sleep in the dark? Did you have any phobias? I just didn't like the dark. I didn't like having to go to sleep in the dark. I was very scared. I was always imagining ghosts and nasties. Nasties.

It's even vaguer than ghosts. Just, you know, nasties. I didn't love wriggly, squiggly animals. Yeah. Which is tough in Malaysia, but I wouldn't say I'd have phobia. I hated shungalolos. Whoa!

What's shungalolos? Shungalolo is like a massive centipede thing. Whoa! And they kind of be on the doormat after it rains. How big are we talking? Like big. Like how wide? Like coiled up Like

Yuck Probably as thick as a sausage Wow I think But I was a kid Maybe I'm remembering them Bigger than they were And the awful thing about them critters

Is they always The whole point is They find a little nook to hide it So you always Every time you go to the toilet You're looking behind there You're looking under the seat You're looking in shoes

I still have these big wriggly things With loads of legs man Yeah You go to the toilet, you're looking behind there, you're looking under the seat, you're looking in shoes. It's one of these big wriggly things with loads of legs, man. Yeah. Stop it. And were they poisonous, shungalulas? Don't think so. Oh. I guess they had little nippers.

Yeah, because centipedes are poisonous. What is a shungalula? I'm sure it's got a... Shungalula, where'd you go-go? I'm so, so scared of your touch. Oh, yeah, they're pretty big. Shungalolo, I need to know-know. What is a shungalolo worm in English? Oh, it just says millipede.

Oh. Okay. Well, a millipede's safe, isn't it? I guess. It's a little bit gross. Yeah, they are gross. Shungalulu looks like this

okay so it's about it's about the length of a grown hand a hand and a bit a hand and a bit shungalulu look at that fat bugger

ooh that's a thick two-seas boy yeah that's a millipede man, that's a thick two-seas boy. Yeah, that's a millipede, man. Ugh. That's a big old milly. Disgusting. Yeah, they're nasty.

Oh, all coiled up as well. I don't like the shongololos. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the shongololos. They're fun to say. I'm looking at them now. Ugh. Shongololo. Yeah, tell me about it. Where'd you go-go?

Yeah, I... Was I afraid of the dark? I think I mainly feared burglars. Yeah. Crime. Yeah, I was scared of them too. I was afraid of crime. I swear one of our neighbours was, like, burgled

and, like, they tied him up. Yeah. I'm like, that was just right there. Well, you and I come from... I've got a PlayStation 2 here. Surely they'll want that. And the ghosts will be no help. That would be quite good if you had a ghost

that was just like a home defense device. That'd be great. Yeah. Scooby-Doo technique. Of course. It's Old Man Jenkins in the end, but the burglars don't know that. The burglars don't know it's Old Man Jenkins.

They think it is the... It's always like Blackbeard or something in a Scooby-Doo episode. And I always remember thinking, a pirate? Yeah. Can that work? Can these two worlds possibly intersect?

Can these two worlds collide? Pirate and ghost? Surely not. There's a strong Manson family vibe to the Scooby-Doo gang. Yeah, they're all in that van and Shaggy's all shaggy. They don't live anywhere. I always wondered how Fred and Daphne were able to keep so clean.

And preppy. Yeah, and he's got like a white top. He's dressed like a sailor, kind of. Yeah, driving around and living in a van. But they're always dropping in on uncles and aunts Oh yeah Yeah, I forgot about that My aunt has a place near Spooky Bay

Oh yeah What are you on the run from exactly? Are they making money? Do they get paid like the Witcher At the end of these episodes? Toss a coin to your Scooby I would like it if they were treated like the Witcher at the end of these episodes? Toss a coin to your Scooby. I would like it if they were treated like the witchers in video games

and just have spat at them. People start fights with them. Because they can fight ghosts. Yeah. If you haven't played The Witcher and you're listening, it's a sort of adventure game where you are a kind of seven foot tall,

incredibly Schwarzenegger muscly, long white hair, demon eyes, glowing sword. Two swords. You have two swords in your back. Two fucking swords in your back that are glowing with runes and stuff and armor and you're terrifying. And you walk around

and people in pubs start fights with you, like fat blokes. Five foot three, big fat guys. They're going, oh, fuck it out, witches. And they shove you in the chest. And you just think, what world is this?

It occupies that same niche that Schwarzenegger reality does where no one comments on the fact that their colleague at this accounting firm has 40 inch biceps. Jamie! Jamie.

Come on Hank You're gonna be late Put the star on top of the tree You always put Ever since you were a kid Growing up in Ohio You put The star

Jamie That's my tree Get out I want to eat American pie Apple pie And drink some Budweiser. Yeah, drink some Coors with the guys.

You know what? I need to remember this because, because, because, because, something that you guys might not know is that when you try and make a script or a show, especially these days in the UK, one of the main problems you'll bump into is producers or or people generally going oh but it just doesn't seem realistic yeah or is that it doesn't feel like something that would happen and that happens i've seen people tweeting about it people we know about how it's happened to them with scripts that are about true stories yeah oh i

did the sas rogue heroes podcast yeah and loads of absolute soggy fuckers we're going um do they have to all wear aviators right right like american 80s action it's very ahistorical and then we'd have to reply with tweets with like photos of the sas in the 1940s wearing aviators which they did and they'd never reply it which they did. And they'd never reply. It would make me so angry. They'd never reply to the tweet that proved them wrong. Of course not. I know you've seen this. I know you're in there.

Yeah. Knock, knock, knock. You are wrong. You are wrong. Look me in the eye and be ashamed. Exactly. There's nothing a British person likes more than an excuse not to do something. Oh, yeah yeah they're always

looking for reasons oh my hands are hot so they go it doesn't seem realistic can we make the script really boring

and I need to remember that I need to show them any Schwarzenegger movie where he's not in the military like

yeah whatever it's called Christmas Boy. Jingle All The Way, I think you'll find. Yeah, and I need to show them that and go, no one cared. About this. No one cared he had a

fucking Austrian accent. No one cared how he looked, how he sounded, that his job was, like, he was, like, a very put-upon salesman. And it's like, well, he could kill them with his fingers. And people are bullying him at work. And I know you can't resort to physical violence, but nevertheless. Yeah, in Afterlife, Ricky Gervais has a career as a local journalist for a print newspaper.

Does he? Yeah, that's his job. He works at the local newspaper, print newspaper. And, like, that's the least believable thing I've ever seen on TV. It's got a great job down at the Zeppelin factory. I had no idea that was the job. Yeah. And people whose voices are like this love it.

Love that show. Well, there you go. So often, though, you get people saying, like, oh, it doesn't feel realistic. You go, well, maybe not everything fun is realistic. Yeah. It's not realistic that you have a man who's kind of also a spider. Okay?

James Bond? Yeah. Because he can crawl. He crawls sometimes. He sticks to walls. That's true. I bet you James Bond in real life would be sticky. Literally sticky from all his fluids.

Cum. Yeah. Booze. Cocktails. Sweat. Fear. Yeah. Blood.

Yeah, of course. Sticky old blood. Sticky Bond. Why is blood sticky? Because it clots, kind of. It's got stickiness to it. Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

I had a lot of blood taken out of my arm just the other day. You looked at it, didn't you? You looked at the needle going. I watched it all. You're fucking cracking. I watched it all. It's insane. I hate that.

I made me watch. I made me watch. What is that from Sin City? Sin City. When he eats her hand. You made me watch. Yeah. Yeah, man.

I watched the whole damn thing. Four tubes of it. Four? Yeah. Wait, they didn't go four times. They filled four tubes? Four whole tubes, yeah. Wow.

And the guy just did them all in one go. Just like shots. He drank it. Nice. Why are you getting into so much blood? I'm not very unwell. I know that sounds like I am. I'm not.

I had a weird thing, which I think is endocrinological. Endocrinological? Crinological. Endocrinology. Oh, right. Hormones, thyroids, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. So it happened the other day, and I'm starting to get them maybe once a year, twice a year. chronological endocrinology oh right hormones thyroids that kind of thing oh yeah so it

happened the other day and i i starting to get them maybe once a year twice a year and my dad says he gets them like three times a year okay and he calls them power outages right and they feel just like low blood sugar right but eating sweet stuff doesn't help at all and you just have no energy um slightly shaking hands cold sweat wow and like feeling very like faint and like oh gosh and like kind of head rush wow and it just hit you out of nowhere yeah i had one the other day and i was like this is fucked because i'm not diabetic yeah i don't think no but also is this like a hormone thing do i have a crazy thyroid so i just went i thought you know what i need to just have someone look at my fucking blood yeah take a look at this

yeah exactly if the blood comes out all fizzy they go that's not good yeah oh gosh yeah so i watched them and it's all fine nothing i'm in great health that's good i'm nailing it. My blood is great. Well done. I want to see what people think of my blood. Yeah, it's nice. You have to watch. But then that's always a sort of bittersweet.

When they go, everything's fine. You go, okay, well, that's good. And you go, great, but then what the fuck was that? Yeah, exactly. It's just some weird thing. Yeah, it's odd. My blood pressure drops when I stand up as well.

That's quite common, isn't it? Yeah. I get bad head rushes sometimes. Yeah. You stand up and you just go, oh. I guess if you're tall, your blood has more distance to go.

Blood's got a long way to go. I'm tall and I'm dense. My blood's got a lot to do. Right, a lot to get past. Busy day for the blood. Yeah. Sorry, I can't talk. Got to get up to this guy's head.

And down to his others. What Phil was referring to in the watching, we should explain. When they put the needle in my arm and they take blood out, sorry to anyone listening who's phobic of this. Oh, yeah. But I just watch the whole thing.

That's why Phil thinks I'm crazy. Yeah. I watch it all. You watch it go in. I'm fine with getting a needle. I get a little panicked in the moments beforehand. But if I look away and just meditate, deep breath, I don't look. And it's usually fine.

That's something that people might not know about you, is the extent to which you meditate. Oh, yeah. I've not been very good with it recently. But I'll take moments and I'll just go, and just take a deep breath. Yeah, but people have started thinking that you're angry. Yeah. Which is the opposite of meditation.

Paul Vettel, our tour manager, it took him weeks to feel comfortable with me suddenly going because if you don't know what i'm doing it looks like you've just said something that's made me go for fuck's sake or you've or you've non-verbally done something that you've been like i told you not to touch the glove compartment. Yeah, it sounds so bad. Especially when we were on tour, I was in the front with Paul the tour, and you were sat behind him,

so he couldn't even fucking see you. The only sound worse would be you cocking a revolver. Or something. Like, just... Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! But yeah, you're just there going... Or like the way that you get into your meditation space is by going...

Yeah. And you're just in a perfect hovering circle of light in your mind. That's another thing I keep being advertised. Last week we spoke about my algorithm problems. Yeah. I keep being advertised by Mark Wahlberg, a Catholic prayer and meditation app called Halo.

What? Is he religious, Mark Wahlberg? Oh, yeah. Is he? Oh, yeah. Wow. You bet your sweet bippy a catholic yeah well he better be he's advertising hallow the only other person who comes up advertising hallow is a literal nun woof yeah marky mark i was telling you that you can read the bible on no but it helps you with prayer schedules and different types of prayer

and stuff. Blimey. I saw it. I was talking about this to a guy called Thomas. He's not Catholic, but he's Irish, so he had the app on his phone. And that's the only way you're getting in and out of Ireland. Is if you have the app on your phone. Yeah, you show it instead of the passport. He downloaded

it out of curiosity and he was... He said, oh, I know, hello. And he said, you know, out instead of the passport. He downloaded it out of curiosity, and he said, oh, I know Hello. And he said, you know, the UX design is astonishing. Like, good. Yeah. Wow. And I was like, really? He goes, yeah, yeah, look.

And I looked, and it's a hell of an app the Catholic Church has brought out. Wow. Or whoever brought it out. Like, it's an incredible app. It looks fantastic. God. Very functional. Beautiful, nicely designed, intuitive.

Yeah. I mean, the church has always been good at that side of things, I suppose. The design and the art. Yeah, hello. Hello. Hello. But isn't that weird? My Instagram thinks I'm a bald Catholic.

A racist. Well, the Instagram doesn't. Twitter thinks you're a racist. Twitter thinks I should be more of a racist. Yeah. Instagram thinks I'm a bald Catholic. Are you on Instagram? Yeah, as a bald Catholic. Yeah, I am, yeah. As an experiment, I'm going to open Instagram up now and see

what I'm being marketed. It would be terrifying if you start seeing adverts for hallow and baldness treatments. Come on, adverts. Is baldness less... WhatsApp. Ooh. An ad for WhatsApp.

An ad for WhatsApp? Yep. That's like advertising for Coke, isn't it? It's very odd. Chill out, WhatsApp. I was like, I've already got it, man. This is the UK. Do you know the thing about Americans don't use WhatsApp?

Americans don't use WhatsApp. They use iMessage it's a nightmare they all use these iMessage yeah that is bizarre this is like when i found out that you know how google is just what everyone uses yeah not in america what's a search yeah what do they use so in the in europe in the eu the reason google keeps getting fined like a hundred quadrillion shmillion pounds by the eu competition commission is because google's just like 97 percent of searches wow in the eu or something insane and it maintains its dominance through various muscular activities. So it gets fined for having too much power, right? In the US, it's like 60%. Wow, really? They're fucking Yahoo answering.

They're binging. Binging and fucking DuckDuckGoose. Yeah, Jeeves or whatever it is now, Ask.net. Wow. Amazing. The American internet is a different place it's a different place i kept scrolling for more ads and you know to its credit i was only served that one in this on that scroll the one for whatsapp is it's always about like encryption and how well encrypted it is so which

is weird i'm thinks i'm a creepy little freak this is it you're pervert who needs earplugs i'm a pervert who needs earplugs but the irony is that whatsapp only started doing loads and loads of adverts about how encrypted it was when it dropped its most powerful encryption. It stopped encrypting it to the extent it used to. He thinks the lady dust proclaimed too much. Yeah. Would you download... Do you have a meditation app? Yeah.

Is it actually good? It's fine. I've not tried any of the others, really. I worry that if I did that, the problem I would have is the problem I have with a lot of audiobooks, which is that I don't have anything against the American accent in general,

but for some reason, the type of Americans they hire to do a lot of audiobooks awful very california vocal fry or very just like uh very sort of bouncy i can't i can't do the vocal fry vocal fry fry fry like that yeah very very uh ira glass oh my god they're like that or they're just a bit like Mr. Tompkins walk down the stairs

and you just no no no no it makes me angry when it's that voice and it's a Dickens novel sure it's child

it should be at old it should be just get just bite the bullet ring up Stephen Fry get the job done yeah enough and the one that the Empire uses is British but they've got Bite the bullet. Ring up Stephen Fry. Get the job done. Yeah.

Enough. And the one that the Empire uses is British, but they've got some... They've now a selection of... Meditate, you slag. Of read readers. Yeah. So the main guy is English,

and they've got an English gal, and then they've got two Americans, I think. But the English gal sounds always like you've annoyed her a bit. She's like, close your eyes. And take notice of your breath. I really, really can't stand the self-checkout

lady at the co-op. Yes, thank you. What is that? What's up with her she's got a problem She has an attitude problem man She's weird Thank you There's one thing she says really weird

I know exactly what it is Payment accepted Yes I thought I was going mad Payment accepted Accepted I'm so glad I was like I am hearing that right, right? Every time I go, accepted.

It makes me stop and look back at the machine. As though the machine's gone, payment accepted. Payment accepted. Oh, I'm so glad you noticed this. It's something I always forget about. And I'm back to whenever I shop at the co-op. Yeah. It's just something, oh, yeah, fuck, her again payment accepted because the whole tape excepted and it's also patronizing the

tone is very well done you fucking idiot payment accepted payment accepted it sounds yeah it sounds like don't talk to me like that. I knew you could do it. Payments accepted. What notes was she being given in the booth? You got to listen out for this, Podbuds. Next time you're at the cop, you go to the, use the self-checkout and listen to Payments Accepted. There was an episode of the Adam Buxton podcast where they got Joe Cornish back on, a Christmas one. And for other reasons, Joe Cornish played a bunch of the recordings ofxton podcast where they got Joe Cornish back on, a Christmas one. And for other reasons, Joe Cornish played

a bunch of the recordings of it. Of? Of all the different self-checkout women and men. Yeah. And they both said that they thought Payment Accept Aid

was like a cheerful lady. Yeah, it is kind of cheerful. Yeah, but I was listening and going, are you glossing over how awful it is? Yeah, right. And they didn't pick up

on the accept aid. No. Weird. To me, I can hear nothing but accept aid. To me, them not picking up on that was as mad as if they hadn't picked up on if it went payment accepted. Guys, are you not hearing this? There's a fart in there. Oh, man.

I can't believe people picked up on that. It's like the word accept followed by T-A-D-E. Acceptade. Payment acceptade. Payment acceptade. Yeah, it's so jarring. It's something about it. I mean, I have misophonia about loads of stuff,

but it definitely triggers the same part of my brain that makes me want to just go stop it another machine how does she do would you like a bag would you like a bag

would you I think it's a bit more concerned would you like a bag yeah that's it she's like would you like a bag she's like Pierce Brosnan

would you like a bag I think that whoever they whiffed it co-op has fucked it they need a new one new recording and not because it's a lady

not like what happened with the Tesco one they had to change it and it was all sorts of great column inches were devoted from opinion havers. Right. About how it's about misogyny because people, men and women, statistically react poorly to being told off.

And the female voice was a bit, well, what they were saying isn't, the female voice of like unexpected item in bagging area was accused of being a bit shrill and tell-offy. Right. But then loads of people were saying, actually, it's not. It's misogyny. Right. But Tesco were just like, we're replacing it either way with, I'm fairly sure, Noel Fielding. Really?

It sounds so much like Noel Fielding, the Tesco self-checkout. Well, okay. I'm going to keep listening after that. Thanks for shopping at Tesco. Sounds like him. I'm fucking Bake Off. Gosh, I think you might be right.

Well, anyway, talking about... Payment accepted. Sounds like him. I'm fucking Bake Off. Gosh, I think he might be right. Um, well, anyway, talking about... Payment accepted. Payment accepted. Talking about cheerful lunatics. Let's do some correspondence. Oh yeah, great. Ring letters, emails, emails, phone calls, talking to Jack and your sister

and keep it straight. Payment accepted. Correspondence. Correspondence Correspondence Accepted It's a message From P P?

Yeah Well I didn't have to do anything with that No P? P Wee Yeah And they say

Dear PNP included I attached some tat Poss possibly not one worth whispering but i enjoyed the crossover aspect also who knew biltong was from worcestershire so it's called south afro tat in the subject line okay great and it is a sort of biltong stall okay like caravan thing oh i see him yeah and the sign it says love built on love life oh gosh luv built on and then love life but it's all one word like love life like luv life one word no normal spelling oh so they've mixed like an luv in a normal spelling and they mix their love and a love they're mixing the metaphors and they offer salt pepper coriander and worcestershire which are not

none of those are flavors of Biltong, apart from coriander. But... Oh, no, maybe they mean all of it at once. What? Yeah, presumably all of it at once. It must be all of it at once. But there's no Worcestershire sauce in Biltong normally.

Maybe that's a novelty. There is when you love life. Well, if you love Biltong, you love life. That's what I've always said. He must love life. That's strange. I need to get some more of that Snoggy's. said you must love that's strange um i need to get some more that snoggy oh snoggy's you sold them online right yeah you can order your snoggy's

built online we're not sponsored by them it's just they do some fine wet meats dry and wet it's like just chunks of dried premium steak it's incredible Where does my sister... There's another place to get them from that's also really good. Savannah online, but there's another place. What is it? There's loads of good places. Anyway. We got a message from Martha.

Martha the Farter. Very nice. It's called The Tale of Two Shitties. Nice. Dear Polyfiller and Autoglass Repair. That's good. I like that one a lot. Yeah.

Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace. It is widely regarded that physicians do not recommend binging the pod. It is true. It's true. However, I must argue that academics do recommend. Interesting distinction. Right, yeah. What subject, though?

Because they do vary in sanity. Ah. Well, I started listening to this podcast around the time I was applying to study at Cambridge. Ah, okay, okay. Our Alma Mater. Our Mother Alta. Our Mother Alma. Mother Alma, no!

Mother Alma, please, I'll study harder, please. I received an offer, and I wholeheartedly credit you two for inspiring my intellectual curiosity. And other educational institution buzzword tat. Otherwise, praise redacted. Oh, great. Thanks, Martha. Alas, onto the body of my story. Interesting. Alas. I'm sorry, I missed the bit that Martha just said then before the praise redacted.

That she received an offer. Oh, congratulations. You were lost in a reverie for times gone by. Yeah, yeah, yeah Alas, onto the body of the story At the time, I lived with my mother and grandmother Before she passed away as a result of the Trusquating mini-budget

Whoa How was that? At 95, she struggled to maintain I think maybe just in general At 95, she struggled to maintain any kind of bowel autonomy. Okay, yeah. I was frequently awoken by my mother's, no, no, no, no, no!

Followed by the exhausted, stop pooing. Stop pooing! In a wet whisper. He's gone to a desperate place when you're just out and out saying stop pooing. That's not nice. Poo is such an infantile word and entirely unsuited for an adult having a breakdown.

It's true. It's true. Anyway, the daily phenomenon occurred within a proximity that I could smell. Oh, that's rough, Martha. Good for you for getting good grades in that environment. Yeah. Tough environment to do that in. A difficult olfactory situation. And conceptual. Yeah. Tough environment to do that in. A difficult

olfactory situation. And conceptual. Yeah. Because you know it's coming. Yeah. It's distracting. One particular

mud bath experience that my mother had is as follows. Sat devouring breakfast perusing a David Sedaris collection. Oh!

A rye mother is it? Rye mother. Very good. I'm looking at my Sedaris collection. Oh, Rye Mother, is it? Rye Mother. Very good. I'm looking at my Sedaris collection right now. I've got a couple of Sedari. Sedari. Sedari.

What's plural in Greek? Because he's Greek. Oh. American Greek. What's a plural in Greek? Sedarodes. Is it? I don't know.

I'm guessing. It's Octarodes. Is it? I don't know. I'm guessing. It's octopodes. Is it? Yeah, because octopus is Greek, not Latin. Are those octopuses? Or is the plural? Oh, yeah. I mean, if you want to do it properly, not like a maniac.

But if you want to be an absolute pedant. Right. Octopodes. Because the joke being that octopi isn't even right. Right. Because you're putting a Latin plural on a Greek word. Yeah. Anyway.

Anyway, Phil. Okay. Mother sat demurring breakfast. and right right you're putting a latin plural on a greek word yeah anyway anyway phil okay mother sat devouring breakfast and sodaris yeah um oh no she is sorry martha is sat devouring breakfast perusing a sodaris collection my mother appears to me with what looks like a fun session hand painting with a rather luxurious selection of browns. Like Lady Macbeth washing her hands in the kitchen sink until the water stops running, like an oil spill on a Cornish beach. After purging herself of this hands-on incident, she resolves to take a relaxing walk with the dog. Of course, taking time off from cleaning up poo

with an animal particularly known for toilet etiquette. Yes, that's true. I've spent too much time cleaning up poo I'm going to take the dog for one of

those activities where it definitely is going to shit and I'm going to have to

clean up that poo I'm just going to take the walking poo machine for a walk

to the poo spot I'm just going to take the poo machine out for a

poo I just can't be around all this poo anyway poo poo um upon her return i received more of this liturgy so much poo so much poo so much poo we end this day with a vegetarian moussaka oh boy i mean that's asking for trouble isn't it and as incompetent as i am I left this in the oven too long I've smattered the burnt brown slop onto our plates life imitates poo

what a poo you were living a bum bum life a literal bum bum life Martha was living the bum bum life the bum bum life this is the bum bum life the conversation for roughly 10 months with my mother The bum bum life. Ah, this is the bum bum life. The conversation for roughly ten months with my mother centered around these

incidents as they became increasingly worse. As they became increasingly bad, I suppose. I gather that helping the elderly relieve their bowels is much like trying to stop some terrible sausage grinder with a lace doily coaster. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Gosh, your poor mother. Your poor, poor mother.

In other news, I think you spoke about Bear Grylls pissing in a snake at some point. Did we? Look. It sounds like something you do. Whenever a listener tells me we talked about something, I just have to go, yes. Yes. Of course. We've done so many of these, and they're so stupid.

They just go, oh, do you remember that bit where you talked about what if rudolph's nose is bum or something i just and then you compare that to chaucer i just go yes yeah that sounds right that sounds familiar in conception if not literally uh in other news i think you spoke about bear girls pissing in a snake at some point i was just pondering the impact that this would have had for the representation of women in Judeo-Christian philosophy and literature had Eve been tempted to break the snake's neck and just piss down its throat.

Different Bible. Very different Bible. That's a Bible. Very Oxbridge student question to ask. Yeah, that's a dissertation for sure. You've thrown the word, the portmanteau word Judeo-Christian in there. You're already in.

You're halfway done. Paradise Lost would be different for sure. Looking forward to seeing you both live this year. Thank you, Martha. Nice. Koji and keep on studying it. P.S. You may have seen this, thought I would attach it anyway, and someone has vandalized

a sign for the University of Liverpool So it just says the University of Pooh Good classic stuff They've just broken off the liver And the L The University of Pooh The University of Pooh Now let's see

Oh Oh gosh That's a long Now let's see. Oh. Oh gosh, that's a long... We've maybe got time for this. It's a massage from Johnson, as in Episode 70 Johnson. Ooh. Old school. Last time Johnson was in touch was Episode 70.

Seems like it. A while ago. Johnson, where'd you episode 70. Seems like it. A while ago. Johnson, where'd you go wrong, son? Nice. Thank you. Dear Pods Buddikins. Pods Buddikins. Yeah, as in Odds Bodkins.

Oh, what's Odds Bodkins? It's a medieval swear word, I think. Oh. Odds Bodkins. Wow, I never heard that. I think it's a minced oath. A minced oath? Yeah.

What's... Like... Blimey is a minced oath for God blind me. Cor blimey. Is God blind me. And bloody is by a lady or something. Is that right? Maybe it is, actually, actually yeah or christ's blood or

stuff you say like god's bones and that would be like the worst thing you could say is god's bones odds bodikins might be god's bones wow odds bodikins um oh he's sorry he said yes oh here we go This is actually a terrific and erudite pun, but might require a bit of help even for overeducated pod buds. Odds bodikins is an archaic oath, a bit like struth, that either means God's body or God's bodkins.

Right. As a child, my father told me it was the rudest possible word. Wow, that's old school. My father, the blacksmith, and I believed him until an embarrassingly old age. Fair enough. That's good dad stuff.

Anyway, here's a little story that combines two of your favorite things. Whiskers on kittens and poo. And Bitcoin. I used to live in Japan. Yes. No, not the robots and shiny toilets part, but a deprived rural area where everything's crap. Wow.

They've hidden. That's a unique experience. You've hidden that well, Japan. Crap-an. Crap-an. Crap-an. Ah, you've been to Crap-an. This guy used to live in Crap-an. The people were ignorant and racist, the buildings were rickety, and the weather was abominable.

Wow. This is a fascinating side of the country. I love this. There are similar shitholes in the UK. You're a comedian, so you've probably been to some. Oh, yes. Many a time. Just replace boiled potatoes and meat with plain rice and fish.

Otherwise, the same. Yes. Rough. Otherwise, the same. Yes. Rough. So it turns out when you're treated like a subhuman imbecile on a regular basis... They hate foreign people. They fucking hate them. You start to look for silver linings. And for most of us Westerners, we gradually abandon social convention.

Some of us decided to start a ninja club. That's one way to abandon social convention. Some of us decided to start a ninja club. That's one way to abandon social convention. A lot of Japanese safety wear resembles ninja garb, so we made some pretty convincing outfits supplemented by plastic katanas. Safety wear?

Like... I guess like knee pads and harnesses and things. Our missions were to sneak between Like... I guess like knee pads and harnesses and things. Right, okay, okay. Our missions were to sneak between two points in the town without being seen by anyone, often climbing walls or creeping through gardens. It would get you arrested in the UK or shot in America, but our height and demeanour identified us as idiot foreigners,

and we were ignored. Wow, amazing. That is funny. Hiding in plain sight. It is surprisingly easy to hide in shadows when you're full ninja, and it makes you evaluate the streets in a more tactical way. I bet. Gosh.

The first ninja club mission had gone pretty well, despite the constant shouting of the rookie New York ninja. The NYC ninja. I don't think anyone can see us, guys. I'm throwing shurikens here. Hey! I'm sneaking here. Hey, I'm slowing down my heart rate over here.

Spirits were high, and the Australian ninja decided to demonstrate a new special move, which was to do a body roll over a small wall into the yard beyond. That's fun. That's fun. Yeah, that's cool. It looked pretty cool as he vanished. Yeah.

But there followed an unexpected squelch and a pitiful groan. Oh, no. The shadow cast by the small wall had perfectly hidden an open sewer. Oh, Crapan. Crapan. Straight into Crapan. He fell into Crapan. Oh. Crapan. Crapan. Straight into Crapan. He fell into Crapan. Yeah. A drop of perhaps three meters from street level.

Australian ninja, Oz Ninja, had first slammed into a concrete beam with his chest, breaking a few ribs, before sliding off it into the filth below. Oh no. That's a bad drop in anyone's book. Yo. Boy. No, no oh no no the old crack and splat

the old crack and splat and crapan now maybe western weeb stereotypes of japan being a spotless utopia have you thinking it probably wasn't that bad just a muddy drain perhaps no i like that western weebs the weebs yeah The weeboos Weeaboos No This was a third world style channel Of the town's assorted foulness Wow

This really is not a side of Japan You You think exists Yeah A melodious melange In which poopoo Was merely the strongest note Due to the busted ribs

Oz Ninja couldn't breathe A blessing Yeah of course And was thoroughly enfeebled So me and NYC had to get down there And drag him out, all covered in slime Oh my god This fecal warrior was freaking out And insisted on being carried directly to the hospital

The doctor was not impressed And tried to lecture us on our immaturity Until I retorted by pointing out The dust bunnies and discarded hypodermic needles on the floor of his office. Jesus, really? This is wild. This is crap-an.

Crap-an. In the uncomfortable silence... Also, have they turned up to the hospital dressed as ninjas then? Covered in shit, yeah. Covered in shit, yeah. In the uncomfortable silence that followed, we watched the nurse wheel away the shitty Shinobi.

Nice. A broken man. Koji Johnson. A Shinobi is a type of ninja. Is it like a very good ninja? Shinobi, I think, just means ninja. But it was also the name of a video game. I played Shinobi.

I played Shinobi. Good game, Shinobi. Shinobi. As a final epilogue... Maybe Shinobi was the name of a famous ninja. As a final epilogue, you don't necessarily name of a famous ninja As a final epilogue You don't necessarily have to read out I once went back to that hospital

Due to some pain in my testicles You're right Shinobi and ninja are interchangeable I'm sorry I missed that So He goes He once went to that hospital for nut pain Before

Before the The poo After Okay I was approached by an absolutely stunning Japanese nurse who spoke to me in excellent English, way, way better than the efforts of the people who are professional English teachers.

She was beautiful, and I could sense a bit of chemistry in the air, which is not common for me. I couldn't believe such a person was working in a crappy place like that. What department are you looking for? I'll help you find it, she said. I muttered something about balls.

Right this way, she said, and led me to the optical clinic. Optical? Oh, no. No, not eyeballs, I said, and pointed down. Having to point down. My other balls.

Oh no. Chemistry dissolved instantly. Oh no. And she pointed in the general direction of urology and left without another word. Oh man. It felt very sitcom and still haunts me for some reason. My balls weren't even that bad. What a sign off.

That's great. Henry, you know what, reader? My balls weren't even that bad balls Weren't even that bad Weren't even that bad I would have gone Thank you At the eyeballs thing And waited for her to leave

And asked someone else Thank you Do you want to go for a drink later Once my eyes improve of course Once someone's held my eyes In their hands And I've turned my head and coughed What

Oh no nothing I My left eye's just a bit lower Than the right eye. Well, that's all the time we have, and now it's time to go to the private Japanese hospital. Members' hospital. Yeah, the private Japanese hospital for celebrities.

Oh, wow, this is specific. And the Patreon. Well, thanks for tuning in, guys, and we will see you next week. Yeah, once again come see us live I'm on tour in the autumn September October

me too tickets on my webby the whole thing baby bye bye bye bye