BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 226 - Juste Les Pois

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

The boys talk French exchange, poisoning, foreign fetishism, Britney's freedom, and from the people who shouldn't be free: Jonny's t-shirt tat, hecklers, Auld Lang Suu Kyi, Annabelle's grandma tat, Michelle's weather dot com fiasco Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod226! 226 doing tricks! Doing tricks. Could you ever do any tricks? Skateboard, card or otherwise? I can make my left thumb go like this. Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink. Oh yeah, that's kind of freaky. Thumb joint going inside. I cracked my thumb once when I was a kid

and ever since I've been able to do that. Permacracked. Permacracked. I can't do it with my right thumb. Doink, doink, doink. I can do it with both my eyebrows. Yeah, I can do that. You can jack black it. Ah. You do your ears?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can do my ears. And I can do my... My best one is my belly roll. I can kind of do that a little bit. Yeah, so I can make my belly do like a sort of wave. I find a lot of comedians can do fucked up stuff like that.

Hmm. Did that start us down the trajectory of like cool, funny things for kids to do to each other? Maybe. I did do the belly thing all the time. I thought it was great. Belly fill. And all it is was like I just saw some like all black in my footage of some carnival performer person doing it. I was like, if i could do that and

i just looked down and instantly did it it's the first time i've ever like just seen something can i do it yep i can yeah card tricks i think i learned one card trick when i was like 10 it was not very impressive one a friend of mine we all did a french exchange weirdly i still follow my french exchange on instagram oh that's cute yeah i haven't actually spoken to him in person since we were you know 11 but he got married the other day and i said congratulations you know quite surreal anyway um he was good i really liked my french exchange but my friend john hated it and he hadn't brought any books or anything i was in your friend john hated his french exchange yeah he didn't like the guy or his family.

Yeah. He said the guy was like one of those kids that just wears their like karate gi all the time. Oh, nice. Yeah. He's just always dressed for martial arts because he loves martial arts so much. My friend was like, this kid's fucking cracked. How old? Because there's a point I think that's normal for like a kid

to always be in this Spider-Man costume. This is 11 to 12. Yeah, it's getting a bit old. Yeah. It's getting a bit old. And one night they sat down

and only ate peas. Oh no. A big bowl of peas. And I have to emphasize if you're imagining... Petit pois. Petit pois. C'est tout.

Just le pois. I have to emphasize that these families were not like poverty-stricken pea farmers. No. They could have had things that weren't peas. To be honest, most of the French exchange stories I've ever heard, and it is quite a uniquely British thing.

I don't know anywhere else that has such a standard thing as you exchange families with the neighboring country for a bit. But 60% of people say they were crazy. is that you exchange families with the neighboring country for a bit. But 60% of people say they were crazy. The family I went to were nuts. They put me in a cage and just fed me dried nuts. I think John was just on a camp bed and they only ate peas

and the kid kept doing martial arts. They're always weird. The parents would argue all the time. Anyway, he was in hell basically, right? He was in this fucking weird drama. In France. Yeah, in France. In Lyon.

Lyon. City of Bridges. And I lent John a card trick book, like a mini novelty card trick book. That was just full of card tricks yeah because he was like i'm so bored i sit on a camp bed while they eat peas and argue and i have nothing to do and i said this is all i have for you and uh so he learned loads of what as in you staying how we would meet up in the day to go on school trips we were all there at the same time everyone

stayed in leon with different families. We were swapping with a specific school. I see. It wasn't just at random. I don't know how the French exchanges work. Well, sometimes it does seem to be at random. I once spoke to someone who got sent on a French exchange with just a family. And that was it?

It was out of the phone book. Blimey. There wasn't even a kid to exchange with. There was a kid, but there wasn't a reason for it to be that kid. Aye, aye, aye. Really weird. No, ours was with a school. But yeah, so he sat like a prisoner who's only... Like a memoir, you know.

I learned the card tricks. I was free in my mind. So he just got really good at card tricks. I was free in my mind. So he just got really good at card tricks. He was in French exchange jail. Wow. He was eating peas and doing card tricks. And was he able to impress the local French ingenues? I don't know, really.

I think that they found us odd. And it started my long experience of, it continues to this day, of French kids always just being dressed like it's the mid to late 80s. Yeah. Tight jeans, windbreakers. Weird.

It's like either that or... Rusty, purple, and pastel-colored windbreakers. Yeah, it's either they're the Beastie Boys or they're a high-class waiter with all... Oo-doo-boo-doo. Yeah. Oo-doo-boo-doo. With like a turtleneck jumper or something.

But yeah. It's either that or... The kids in the school groups, you see. They're all fucking saved by the bell. Yeah, they're all just like saved by the Bell. Yeah, they all dress like Saved by the Bell. That's right. And they're lucky it's come around to be cool again to dress like the 90s

because they've been doing it since the 90s. But yeah, you walk around London, you see these French school groups and they're all dressed like Saved by the Bell. Where are you buying these? On my trip over here today, there was a... And this is a question that i

want to put to you okay which is ladies do have a weakness for the friend like a french guy yeah is there an equivalent weakness for french ladies for guys here because i didn't know there was but there was a gang of gals beautiful girls these girls are tremendous beautiful beautiful girls a lot of people are saying beautiful girls a lot of people are saying we love we love beautiful girls we love we love the beautiful girls and they were beautiful gals um but on top of that they were all speaking french to each other oh yeah i was like there is something about this there is something about this it's a sexy language i think so I think so. I think it's because you have to make a kissy face so much.

You're literally making a kissy face all the time. And so people think, oh, they want to kiss me. Also, it's naturally quite a louche language. The bfff. You can only speak it properly if they say, you better not pronounce most of these letters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you're going to ruin it. You better know which letters

to ignore here. We've thrown in a bunch of consonants that have no fucking business being there. No sound. None at all. You thought you weren't pronouncing the end

of the word through. Well, strap in. What if every word was the word through? So there's just lots of a buh, buh, buh, buh, buh and ending on open vowel sounds.

And I think that's quite like, maybe. Right, because you finish most sentences with an open mouth. Whereas when you finish a consonant, you're finishing on a closed mouth. Finish. Finish. Closed. Closed. Mum.

Mum. Not memo. Not memo, yeah. Yeah, maybe that's it. But these girls were from... These guys were at a station in Peckham. I was like, what are French girls doing in Peckham? France, you know, I mean, the French, they love to move to London.

They love it. I think London has one of the biggest French populations outside of Paris or something. If the French population of London was just a town in France, Love it. I think London has one of the biggest French populations outside of Paris or something. If the French population of London was just a town in France, it would be the sixth largest city. Wow. That's how many French live in London. But it's not something you feel like you come across a lot. I don't feel like I'm always bumping into French people in London. You gotta spend a lot more time in West London.

Right. In the fancy bits. There are in the fancy bits. It's mostly posh French. Yeah, they tend to be wealthy. They seem to be. If you go to the bits that have the French schools. We're talking

Barnes. We're talking Chelsea, Kensington. You hear a lot of French spoken. There's a French gal on Made in Chelsea. There you go. They finally realized how many they've gone, okay, well, we can't put the Russians on.

We'll put the French lady on. Made in Chelsea, where one of the character's plot lines is that they're a terrified dissident. They're trying to balance up how vocally anti-war to be versus what their relatives are up to. Made in Chelsky would be a much more... Nice.

That's football bants I'm quoting. Oh, really? I've never heard of that before. I'm afraid so. Abramovich. He's not been allowed back in, has he? I don't think so He was what's it called Sanctioned

Sanctioned Well he was a naughty boy and then they claimed that someone poisoned him When he was trying to negotiate between Turkey and Russia I think Well there were negotiations in Turkey between Russia and Ukraine Anyway there was talk of more poisoning It's very poison-y being Like a powerful Russian It's very poison-y being like a powerful

russian it's like you're either it's very medieval you've either got a yacht or you're being poisoned it feels like very much those are your two choices your two choices as a

russian you've got a well it's like a powerful russian you've either got a yacht and you're living the best life in the world or you're poisoned yeah it seems like it's all or

nothing yeah it's very uh it's probably the most Game of Thrones things can get being a powerful Russian but yeah the French are everywhere man so were you asking

are English men as beguiled by French women as English women are beguiled by French men I would say not as much but maybe a bit I would agree not French men. I would say not as much, but maybe a bit.

I would agree not as much. Yeah. I would agree not as much. I don't think men... Who are English men? Men don't really value mystery, I think, as much as women value... Well, there's a crude... I mean, all evolutionary biology theory is crude and completely imposed and made up.

But I remember someone saying to me, Oh, it's because women are the ones who have the kids and they want varied genes. Oh, yes. So women are always like an outsider, an exotic foreigner, whatever. Okay. You said to go, maybe.

But to that point, who is foreign and beguiling to men in England? I would say... Scandinavians? Yeah. There's a lot of that kind of comedy, ooh, Helga to men in England I would say Scandinavians yeah there's a lot of that kind of comedy oh Helga

shit and like the producers as well in America sexy sweet yeah I think it's very much like the blonde thing but I think

the sort of sexiness you probably go to Italy maybe Spain South Latin America yeah but people are also and then of course

there's East Asia Japan we're back to our favorite guys they've got long hair and that's submissive that's the thing submissive it's more sinister it is more sinister the japan the japan kind of guys are more sinister than the than the italy kind of guys for sure there's an inverted sinisterness to when you get a certain type of lady who likes Italian men because of how incredibly forward they are. Yeah. And you sort of go, oh.

Yeah. I guess. But it doesn't feel ideal on a mass societal level. Yeah. But I guess. Mm-hmm. And that's, to me, that's probably 60% of sinister is incredibly online guy who really, really wants a Korean wife or a Japanese wife.

I've told you what Western white guys in Japan are called, right? What is it? LBH. Loser back home. No. Oh, yeah. God. Yeah. Sting. Yeah, he's an LBH. Loser back home. No! Oh yeah. Yeah, he's an LBH.

Oh, fuck. It's totally true. All these guys go over, these dweebs go over, they teach a bit of English and they clean up. And everyone just goes, he's an LBH. Unless they're in Krapan. This is the third week running, technically, we've mentioned Krapan.

But we're recording these all in one day, listeners. Yeah. Because we're all going to be away. Fringe holiday. You name it. Do you think there'll ever be a trend of Chinese men, especially with the low amount of women in the population of China, compared to men going, like, in China,

what you really want is a Portuguese wife. Like a kind of occidental fetishism it is weird isn't it I can't hmm they're really not submissive they'll argue with you

well this is the thing wealthy East Asian countries don't have a fetishization of Western women yeah the poorer

East Asian countries do really so like in malaysia like a white woman would be like wow look at her she's a white i i had a you know when i first moved to the uk i i visited malaysia with my high school girlfriend she was a white lady white girl with brunette brown hair and my friend my malaysian friend's like she looks like britney spears i'm like she's literally brunette she's like she couldn't look less like britney spears if she tried like when you see those photos that go viral where a guy who looks like maybe he's got kind of the same unusual nose as tom cruise it's just having loads of people take pictures with them in china yeah yeah yeah yeah there's that kind of thing yeah wow but

yes i feel but britney spears is here with her brown hair and her english i feel like in the less wealthy countries it's you know it's partly the um abundance of you know white Western beauty standards plus the wealth element. I think in China and Japan, you don't really have that wealth element. They sort of go, well, whatever. Yeah, we're also culturally dominant. We're also strong economies.

There's not really the same... To what extent do you think it's also easier in Malaysia because of how multicultural, multiracial Malaysia is? Easier. In the sense of like, oh, having a wife who's not the same race as you is kind of cool or fine. Whereas in Japan, it's like a... Yeah, it's tough.

Bit of an issue. It is. And in China as well, a little bit, I think. Yeah, there's that. I guess also, unlike China and Japan they are British colonies like Malaysia that's true there's some precedent there

yeah of like European colonies Dutch and Portuguese and everything so yeah there's a precedent there yeah

yeah yeah so I think there's some element of that but I think most of that at this point

is just you know every desirable woman They've been told it is desirable In the media they've consumed Has been Western because The media they consume is Western Britney Spears She's got a lot to answer for

She has But she's also absolutely Lost the plot How has that been going she has but she's also absolutely bonkers lost the plot how has that been going her freedom I think well I think

we're at the point now where everyone's gone maybe this was a mistake actually she's been posting a lot of like videos of her dancing around naked

I think and being quite weird I think she was already doing that hmm hmm Bobby Mare the comedian at last year's Edinburgh Fringe had a very funny routine about already doing that Bobby Mare

the comedian at last year's Edinburgh Fringe had a very funny routine about how he was also you know he's bipolar

and he also has mental health issues and he's got a very funny bit where he asks people in the audience what their mental health issues are

obviously no one's willing to say yeah but he is willing to talk about his to his credit and he just had a really funny bit about how you've all decided you want a free britney and you haven't got a

fucking clue about what that might entail and you all go it's going to be great and then i can't remember the whole bit but the punchline is well we'll find out won't we so funny yeah and to an extent we have found out we have found out um now i think we got to make a bit of a dent in this correspondence phil so let's make this one a more correspondence heavy guy okay sure yeah let's do it all right speaking of speaking of people who might not be sane enough to allow to live their own lives. People who shouldn't be free. Yeah. Let's hear from our correspondents. It's a just a...

How would you describe the Fanzo podcast? There's sort of people who shouldn't be free. There's sort of people who shouldn't be free? You know how some people should be free? But these guys shouldn't be free. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. No, they're good. They're good. But they shouldn't be free. But these guys shouldn't be free. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah.

No, they're good. They're good. But they shouldn't be free. Oh, okay. Ring letters. Keep the coolest. Email. Phone call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call.

Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. Call. I'm going to say Johnny, I'm going to say, Johnny, I'm going to say, I'm going to say from I'm going to say Johnny Although Johnny has signed off with his full name So is that okay? Is that permission? I'll just say Johnny I'll just say Johnny

The subject line is Scattergun male t-shirt tat Scattergun male t-shirt tat. I think he's talking about that sort of, don't mess with a guy who was born in October. Oh, yeah. These are mad. People have sent me a few of these and they get They're psychotic. They're psychotic.

They often don't make grammatical sense a lot of the time. Are you going to give Johnny a rhyme? Oh, Johnny, you're the darn knee Nice Dear Phil the toilet bowl and Pierre inside if you dare Nice Excuse me

God I've never cared for toilet humour Oh dear What have we But you two have me gradually hooked Gradually hooked Can have me gradually hooked. Gradually hooked? Gradually hooked. Can one be gradually hooked?

It's how you hook a frog, I suppose. Yeah. Gradually. Gradually. We've groomed Johnny into laughing at poo. To the point where I'm starting to suspect Phil's initial skepticism was an act and a trap laid for me. It isn't an act, I'm afraid. I'm sort of an unwilling

participant. Yeah. He's a hostage. I'm a hostage. Phil's not free either. Hashtag free Phil. I don't know if you've ever come across this weird kind of masculinity caricature t-shirt tat. We have. We have, Johnny. Excuse me. It seems to be mostly

US-based and kind of Trumpian, but with an occasional British sitcom old couple vibe thrown in. Old couple or odd couple? Old couple vibe. What's an old couple? Like old couple as in like, ooh, my wife gets on my nerves. Oh, like little old couple. Old couple.

So he sent us a whole bunch. The first one, five things you should know about my wife, I think you've had before from a female perspective. Five things you should know about my wife. Sorry, have we met? Why should a stranger know anything about you? Sorry, have we met? Do you want me to fuck your wife?

Number one, she's a crazy. Okay, man. Anyway, who on earth are you for? Who on earth are you for? Who on earth are these for? Sorry. My question for you was inspired by seeing your show at the Tyne Theatre and Opera House in Newcastle. Oh, that was a great show. May the 7th.

That was good fun. Phil expertly kept the ball rolling after an interlude from someone in the audience. He was doing his best on politicians complaining about hearing foreign languages spoken on the bus. Someone shouted, They probably don languages spoken on the bus Someone shouted They probably don't even take the bus Oh yeah I didn't know about that Yeah so I had a routine about

Anti-immigration politicians complaining about You don't even hear English spoken on the bus anymore Yeah yeah yeah And then they go they don't even take the bus I think they're supportive They're trying to say politicians don't even take They probably don't even take the bus. I think they're supportive. They're trying to say politicians don't even take... They probably don't even take the bus. Oh, right.

Not foreigners. Not foreigners. Politicians. Oh, okay. Yeah. Which I think was kind of have-a-go base-level aggression satire. You won't see that on the BBC.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, true. It was sort of like base-level satire. I've been to a few comedy shows recently and this always seems to occur. Hmm. I was at a Father Ted night What? Like one of those weird dinner nights?

Is it the guy from Father Ted Doing a stand up tour maybe? Which guy from Father Ted? Dougal I don't think so I reckon it's one of these sort of weird Because they do it for Fawlty Towers.

There's Fawlty Tower dining experience. Is there a Father Ted dining experience? Well, so, he says, I was at a Father Ted night, and the guy was doing a bit about the availability of pornography through the decades and finding someone to train as a teenager. Sounds like Adler Hamlin.

Yeah, it might be. An audience member shouted, yeah, back when we had trains in this country. Fucking hell. Jesus. We have trains. We have trains. That's not the issue. You've gone too far. Shut up. This evening won't

be about what you want it to be about. You can't get me on. You can't shout that and the comedian go, yeah, this guy makes a good point. I'll do a show about how there's no trains. The problem is, when people make those interjections, it's because they're actually really into the night. They're coming with you. They're like, yes, he's right. They're getting a bit conversational.

Yeah, they think it's going to be like a sort of joint question timey kind of like, I'll be right. But it never really works out that way. It's Jimmy Carr and TikTok. Jimmy Carr and TikTok. Have spread this idea that comedy nights are a sort of interactive roast festival. Yeah, yeah. Very unhelpful.

Yeah. Oh, crowd work clips. Where are you from? Death of stand-up man. I know. But it's the only way to get through to these hogs. But why would you want hogs well you got to get someone you get get the hogs and then like let's say you get 10 people and eight

of them are hogs and two of them are solid gold legends yeah you try and keep the legends the hogs just leave yeah does it happen a lot to you too and is it as unhelpful as it seems? Yes It is unhelpful I wouldn't say it's like endemic But I think I have a particularly nice crowd It's unusual for our tour shows Yeah But especially when I was newer at the Fringe I would get it from Fringe audiences who'd been drinking all day

Yeah Who just came to see something at random Because my flyers hadn't realised like Well obviously you don't fly a group of people who look like that. Yeah. Who are visibly stumbling at 3 p.m. Don't fly them. Yeah, it does happen.

But, yeah, it's always the same kind of person. Always the same kind of person. Yeah. It's never a vicar. No. Or a professor. Or a nice mum. They professor or a nice mum. They probably have a Twitter account.

They probably have 200 followers. In their Twitter account it says Bitswary. Bitswary. Yeah, they vote for either the SNP or the Green Party. Yeah, or the Northern Independence Party. One of these fucking parties. One of these no-hopers. Well, I mean, SNP isn't a no-hoper.

It might be in the future, in the near future. But I mean, like, Green Party, blah, blah, blah. Protest parties. They vote for a protest party. Crazy statistic from everyone's favourite slightly tedious centrist podcast, The Rest Is Politics. The S&P have been in charge of Scotland

since before the iPhone. Wow. That's crackers. That's a long time. We're reaching... It crackers a long time that's that's we're reaching uh it's a long time not to get independence i'll say that it's a long time to fuck up a lot of stuff it's a long time to fuck up the one thing you wanted to do we're getting to the myanmar levels of control there yeah really no change anyway yes it does happen sometimes. And it is unhelpful. I'm trying to come up with... a Myanmar-based pun name for Nicola Sturgeon.

And the best I've got is Old Lang Suu Kyi. That actually sounds pretty Scottish. Old Lang Sushi. Old Lang Sushi. Old Lang Sushi is really funny. That's so good. I mean, it's unrepeatable. So many different rainbows have to cross paths to to create this moment wow we um although i guess uh johnny in a sub-answer to your question it's helpful only in the sense that

it is an opportunity for comedians who are able to to demonstrate their ability to hit a tennis ball back so i said that again so when the heckle the heckle itself is not helpful no stupid and they're of no value yeah but audiences are thrilled by watching us not shit our pants when someone shouts at us absolutely because everyone is already afraid of public speaking the idea of someone going no trains and then us just going haha and making a joke and moving on it's like magic yeah yeah but then but then what happens is the heckler then goes i was helping because they think they helped because they got a big laugh especially if they're drunk yeah but that's like saying a fire helps firemen yeah or a friend of

the pod comedian garrett millerick used to say it's like um throwing bricks at a ballerina and watching them dodge them going well you see how impressive that is yeah they did have their own plans though yeah that's good so he's uh johnny says also realize people don't really email questions on here so sorry no no no that hey love the question that's my question right uh please redact the following praise i will uh many thanks johnny but here are the the t-shirts The toxic male t-shirts Five things you should know about my wife Okay Now Phil

The font The color of the t-shirt you must know is army green Of course But like with any camo pattern No plain green The font is like that kind of Military stamp font. Or mash.

Like mash font. With like gaps between the bars and the letters. Yep. And like little stars and like slightly militaristic font vibes. Five things you should know about my wife. Big letters. Number one. She is my queen.

Fucking hell. No. Chill out, mate. It's also not in keeping with the rest of the vibe. Why is this military? She is my queen. Fucking hell. Chill out, mate. It's also not in keeping with the rest of the vibe. Why is this military? You're like a military man, but... Well, I guess the British military did serve a queen for a long time. Yeah, but this is American military style.

Stars. White star and a green background. Weird. And they've capitalized Queen. I guess. She is my queen. Also, this is a lot to be on the back of someone. Yeah, they're walking away from them. I guess She is my queen Also This is a lot to be on the back of someone Yeah I'm just standing behind you in a queue buddy

They're walking away from them Okay I guess if behind a queue But even then It's like I'm not going to talk to you No I'm not going to I'm going to read

I'm going to read this And then look over at your wife And go Does this all match up Does this match up One She is my queen Two

She is a bit crazy And scares me sometimes. Is that a good relationship? Are you in trouble? What kind of queen is she? Fucking Cersei? Also, if this is on your back, it's like, oh, is this because she hasn't checked what's on your back? This is your only way of asking me for help. Number three, please call the police.

Number three, please help me. No one believes me that I'm in trouble. Number three, she can't control her mouth. What? My wife is rude. Can't control them. This doesn't seem in keeping with the whole she's my queen attitude. Number one, she's my queen.

Number two, she's mental and frightening. Number three, she's rude. I have to be honest, buddy. You're not selling me this queen. Number four, she has anger issues. What? There's nothing good on this list. No.

It's all bad. It's all bad. Number five, mess with her and they'll never find your body. Bloody hell. Mess with her. Is she killing me or are you? It's vague, isn't it? It doesn't sound like she needs your help.

No, it sounds like she might bully you. Maybe she'll bully you into doing the murder so in other words in summary five things you should know about my wife one she's my queen two she's insane and frightening three she's rude four she has anger issues and five she's a murderer thanks for telling me i guess i guess thanks for the warning buddy you know what at first i was like why is this guy telling me about his wife but now i've read what you want to tell me? I'm grateful, actually. Because I now know to stay clear. You're not coming to dinner. This lady is nothing but bad news.

No dinner party for you. No. So here are some more t-shirts. One of these is... So this is another army green t-shirt, obviously. And on the front, it says... Oh, my God. It says...

So I'm going to pronounce the massive letters in different fonts as best I can. Yeah. You know that little thing. Massive. You know that little thing. Yeah. Inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't. I don't have it. Yeah. i don't have one of those uh fuck off by the way i'm socially in intolerable cool man

nice shirt i'm not a functioning member of society i haven't learned how to be a person so fuck you so here's that's on the front as well it's also like i've it's just telling me i've failed and i'll continue to fail at everything i'm rude and i think it's good so like as if the guy's rude to you and then you go hey what oh hang on oh all right there's a part of your brain missing yeah it's because like you said on the t-shirt sorry sorry i forgot about it he's literally said there's a thing in my head that's missing and you go okay it's good good good i guess so there's another one that's the back of a t-shirt and again i'm pronouncing the capital the really big letters walk away okay walk away which is unfair on the back of a t-shirt because you're going the same Really big letters. Walk away. Okay.

Walk away. Which is unfair on the back of a t-shirt, because you're going the same way. Walk away. I am a grumpy old man. Okay. Yeah. I love dogs more than humans. Oh, fuck off. And then there's a picture of the grim reaper what holding up a pair of dog tags

like so he's a dead soldier so he's killed a couple of american soldiers this grim reaper one american soldier yeah oh a pair of dog tags okay and he's holding up the dog tags like watch out i'm the grim reaper and i've killed a serving member of the military i guess because i'm a grumpy old man because i like dogs well the grim reaper and then underneath the grim reaper picture it continues i have anger issues and a serious dislike for stupid people oh great what i love about these t-shirts is that they can't emphasize enough how much they don't tolerate stupid people and they are the t-shirts of the thickest people in the world thickest conserver do they mean by stupid people people just saying things like sir you can't have a rifle in this children's restaurant

i mean is that yes i can you idiot it's a t-shirt manifestation of dunning kruger effect right dunning kruger t-shirts dunning kruger t-shirts people are so dumb they don't know they're dumb. DKTs. DKTs.com. It's because we're on a DKT. Welcome to our new business, DKTs.com. Nothing but Dun & Kruger T-shirts all the time. All the time. Your favorites. Here is a great one. It begins,

again, it's military font, and this is written in big, thick, white military font over an American flag that's sort of faded and tattered. Hey, snowflake. Great. Flirty. Hey, snowflake.

In the real world, you don't get a participation trophy. School is the real world. Yeah. If you do get one at school, then you do get one in the real world. Unless you get one in a video game, you are getting it in the real world. Unless I dreamt it. Not everybody is a winner. There are no, quote, safe spaces.

Screaming doesn't make you right. You seem like you're screaming at me through this t-shirt. No one owes you anything. Crying doesn't solve problems. It sounds like crying to me. It sounds a lot like whining about the way people act. Whining is crying. I'm upset that that seven-year-old got a medal because I'm tough.

Are you? You seem quite upset by a seven-year-old's sports day. That child shouldn't be happy with doing okay at sport because I was upset as a boy. Sounds like a snowflake. Nothing is free in this world. People are going to say things that you don't like. You mean like, here's a participation trophy. And massive letters at the bottom.

You are not special. Wow. Wow-wee. You are not special. That's pretty bold. Because there's every chance that the person you walk in front of is special. They just tap you on the shoulder and say, sorry, I'm a nuclear physicist.

Look, I'm not one of these people who says everyone's special. Some people are really not special. There are only a few special people and the rest of us just buy stuff. But there is a chance you're walking ahead of someone who is special. What if David Bowie read

that? He'd be upset. He'd say, actually, I think you'll find I am quite special. Then this person would beat him up. And then we'd be robbed of sound and vision. Yeah. I'll summarize these. Don't tread on me,

snake, American flag and machine guns. I am politically incorrect. I say, Merry Christmas and God bless America. And salute our flag and thank our troops. If this offends you, I don't care. In God we trust. Wow. Okay, buddy. Were you in the military? No. I didn't think so.

So often they weren't. If I said I'll fix it, I will. There's no need to remind me every six months. It's quite a fun one, well then you won't oh lazy old dad oh wow this is an anti-Biden one oh great, instead of build back better

how about put it back the way you found it post-Trump put it back the way you found it like a broken road yeah, they're just going that's the way you found it Like a broken road Yeah Put that pothole back But the crazy Americans They love to leave things bad

They're like the Nimbys in the UK There are no trains And that's how we like it Can't have a new school, there's a tree there Same thing, but with them it's similar To how to do with machine guns I've read this well i've been um i've just started reading um the excellent tomiwa oelade's book yes this is

not america it's a very very good book and in it when the intro i've just read the introduction so far but he makes this very good point that america you know is you know it's given it's presented as this very new country but it has the oldest still in use constitution in the world yeah that's a good point and the average since 1780 when this constitution of america was first written the average age of the constitution of every other country is 19 years average age of the constitution of every other country is 19 years whoa and america is still holding on to its constitution from 1780 that is crazy it's a very interesting contrast it's very interesting paradox that this new new country has the oldest constitution yeah and its ideas underpinning it are so old actually fucking militias and shit you can't take all your advice from a

guy who had wooden teeth i mean the mad thing about american they still make laws and they have to vindicate the laws by interpreting the constitution in a particular way yeah it's like roe versus wade was a law because they interpreted it as part of the bit of the constitution that says you should you're allowed a private life yeah and they go well that probably meant that you're allowed to have an abortion because that's to do with privacy these these runes write a new constitution right just come up with new laws and the constitution's got loads of amendments well yeah is there anything stopping them from making more amendments now when was last amendment just the fact that no one ever has a fucking majority enough to do that. Apart from inevitably the Republicans.

The Democrats just can't do it, it seems like. Apologies for any robot noise you're hearing. There's a sort of thing in my wall that makes that sound. Oh. I thought it was coming from the outside. I mean, technically it is. Robot walls! We've got some grandma-themed tat from Annabelle.

Annabelle, what's that smell? Dearest Pee and Poo, please find a tashed incredible tat found in the Center Parks gift shop, a place of dreams. Oh, wow. So, it's all grandma-themed. Center Parks for any

non-British listeners. How would you even describe Center Parks? Family resort holidays based in the woods. Yeah, it's like they built a theme park in the woods and didn't finish it. It's like going to a summer lake house, except there's about a hundred lake houses, and they're all in a patch of woods that a kind of park has bought, and there's also an enclosed swimming pool right yes yes you are in a kind of woodland house cabin thing yeah but you're

one of many and it's sort of a nice-ish setting but with the culture of an english high street on a friday night yeah lots of booze but also like cycling in the day and sort of activities woodland activities and your kind of cabin thing that you've rented is more like a kind of house like it has like central heating it's not like a crude wood it is like many cornerstones of um the british experience impossible to explain yeah i mean it's middle class butlins but that just gets us down a different rabbit hole of like post-second world war repurposed barracks being holiday camps. Yeah, I know. Well,

they sell grandma tat there. Okay. Okay. See if you can whisper this. Grans are just antique blank, blank. Grans are just antique. Supermodels.

Fucking sluts. No, no, no. Antique gorgeous babes No go Tweer Antique Tweer Grandmas are just antique baby girls

Little girls I'll give you that You got it Grandmas make the world a little blanker, blanker, and blanker. A little brighter, happier, and nicer. A little sweeter. This is all the right territory. Cuddlier. Yeah, God is the last one.

How the fuck did... Cuddlier. Wow. So you've got it. So I'll put it in with the one you've said. Grandmas make the world a little blanker, blanker, and cuddlier. That's the last one. How the fuck did... Cuddlier. Wow. So you've got it. So I'll put it in with the one you've said. Grandmas make the world a little blanker, blanker, and cuddlier. Yeah. Kissier?

Is it going along those lines? No. The other two are irrelevant. Softer? Yeah, first one. You're really in line with a grandma tap today. Softer. Yeah.

Sweeter. Close. Tastier. softer, sweeter, close, tastier. No, no, no, no. More conceptually close, not sweeter. Kinder. Yeah.

Of course kind. Softer, kinder, and cuddlier, disgusting. Of course. I can't quite make that one out. And then there's a little wooden plaque that says, did I just roll my eyes out loud?

Oh, this fucking one. I've seen this one. That would be a horrible sound. Did I just roll my eyes out loud? Gah. Gross. And when did we start recording this? I find it hard to keep track now.

Oh, yes. Okay, we've got time for this. We have got... I need to find it hard to keep track now. Oh, yes. Okay, we've got time for this. We have got... I need to do a hard whaz. Okay. Can I do a whaz? Five minutes? Five minutes.

Can you hold it for five minutes? Okay, I can hold it for five minutes. All right. Good news for Michelle. Michelle, my girl. Yeah. Dear Phil Tong. Oh.

And Pierre Rendang. Wow. She swapped the foods. It's Tong. Oh. And Pierre Rendang. Wow. She swapped the foods. Switcheroo. Never swap the foods. Never cross the foods. Never cross the foods. Michelle from Brooklyn, New York here.

No way. I love it. I'm a New Yorker. The subject line is, a warning for pod buds. Fun beach pastime can be deadly. Okay. Weather.com used to be a pretty basic website

where you could get the weather. Things like temperature, anticipated precipitation, relative humidity. It is now a content farm for horrifying clickbait. As every website is now. Yeah. Please see attached.

Weather.com. Not even weather.com is safe. Even they've just gone, it's the only way we're going to make any fucking money. So it says, danger lurking there. Stop digging holes in the sand. Fun beach pastime can be deadly as recent news shows.

Recent news. What news? A it's a picture of a big hole on the beach with a beach spade and a sort of play button in the middle, a white play button, as though it's a video. It's not a video. It's just a button. It's just a picture. And the weather, as she's circled, is only in

the upper left corner of the whole screen. The other clickbait is a picture of some roses, and it says, A Mother's Day No-No. Give Mom Sneeze-free flowers Sneeze, come on And then some sort of advert for something called chronic cough Proof

If proof be need be That the people falling for these adverts are ill Ill, gullible What could be lurking there, she asks Sandworm? Crate dragon? Well thanks to weather.com, brought to you by the Weather Channel A proud IBM business You too can save yourself and your family the next time you're at the beach

But me? I'll never know Because as this website clearly knows I live in Brooklyn Where digging in sand Is not a major recreational activity Or a leading cause of death Mazel tov on the new king, Michel Oh, thank you, he's doing well new king michelle oh thank you he's doing

he's doing well he's doing well thank you okay he's managed to give himself a big raise has he 40 percent raise the king yeah has given himself more money oh yeah i didn't see a lot more money well the times reported it specifically quite suspiciously as king to not get any more money and i thought hmm you got the guardian king to get loads more money. And you go, right, well, I know who I'll believe about this. Interesting. Interesting. Anyway, Phil needs to whazz. I need to whazz.

Wang whazz. And we're off to the private VIP hole in the beach. Oh, great. Of the Patreon. So we will see you guys. Come see us live, as ever. Yes. See you on the bonus spot.

I'll see you next week. See you next week. Bye-bye. Yes. See you on the bonus spot. I'll see you next week. See you next week. Bye-bye. Bye. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels

drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks.