BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 229 - Croaky and the Pharaoh

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Pierre is croaking from Edinburgh and Phil is honking from London! The lads discuss Phil's Egyptian adventures, hot air balloons, tombs etc, killing a snake, hot heat, the fringe, correspondence from Tatkinson, Simon gets in touch with some Guardian-approved hentai Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bad pod 229 229 um two good guys yes 229 with two good guys two good guys the boys are back in town boys are back in town well in two separate towns i'm back in town you're back in town. You're back in town. The bar is back in town. I will only be back in town from Edinburgh tomorrow. Yeah. I'm currently looking at a FaceTime image of Pierre tucked up in bed with a microphone. He's got the blanket up to his chest like he's the female character in a movie. And there's just been a sex scene. Yeah. Yeah.

And there's that thing where the female characters got it up to their chest but the guy's got it down to his boy like waist yeah that's it and you sort of go yeah that's definitely what's comfortable isn't it what aligns with um ratings agencies suggestions yeah i always find that right after sort of sex, sort of heaty, hot sex, that suddenly both parties become shy again about their nakedness. That's a good point. Yeah, suddenly we're seeing them all like, ooh, what's under here? Yes, I'm back in town i'm back from egypt i'm back from the ancient world yes you went to go visit the land of the pharaohs

yes i did i was filming in egypt for about two weeks uh i'll tell y'all when the thing we were making is out it's basically a funny historical thing um yeah i think it'll come out real nice but it's a real adventure pierre going around egypt um i've never been to egypt before and i can now say that i've done the big three ancient that I've done the big three ancient civilizations. Oh, okay. You know, I've been to Rome. I've been to Athens.

And now I've ticked off old Egypto. Egypto. What was it like? Was it, did you see some mad ancient shit? I saw some really incredible things. I mean, I saw the pyramids from my airplane window and i wasn't expecting to see them and they just were there and i audibly gasped to myself like in a movie and you know you know me pierre i i don't express emotion when there are people around. Yeah. On my own. Yes.

Yes. You're an emotional masturbator. You don't like to do it in public. It's a thing that you keep to yourself. That was incredible. I think the thing that moved me the most, though, was I went to the Valley of the kings outside of luxor which is present-day thebes and um there are 62 tombs in the valley of the kings and went to see the tomb of rameses the third which was incredible because all the paint is still preserved because it's all hidden

away in darkness so So this is like, and you can go up to the hieroglyphs and the pictures and you can still see the brush strokes. You can see where the bristles are. And this, you know, from what, three and a half thousand years ago. And I got into,

and after some wrangling, I got into Tutankhamun's tomb. And I didn't realize that he's after some wrangling yeah it was quite weird yeah the place is set up weirdly so it's actually really hard to get ticket you know tickets and stuff but i got in and i didn't realize that tutankhamun is still lying in there he's the only he's the only king who's still in his tomb. Did you go, oh, God, I'm sorry? No, sorry. I didn't think there was anyone in here.

Sorry. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I opened the door to the tomb and someone just went, someone's in here. I just heard that voice. Five more minutes. I just heard that voice. Five more minutes. I walked in down the steps into his tomb.

And then on the left was a clear perspex case. And lying in the case was Tutankhamun. He's lying there. Did he have a big blanket up to his tits? Yeah. Actually, he literally did. He had it up to his neck. Really? Yeah, he had it up to his neck.

Yeah, and then down to his ankles. So you could see his head and his feet. And he's just lying there. The same guy. He's been there for 4,000 years, just lying in that room, just like that, just waiting, just lying. His lips are still intact. His face is still intact. Incredible.

Unbelievable. Sexy lips? It's astonishing. Sexy lips? Did he have any work done yeah yeah the the lips were still surprisingly full he looks good for his age three and a half thousand years i didn't take any pictures i took pictures of his tomb which is sort of the other side of the room. But it felt weird taking pictures of what is essentially still a dead boy. How much did he look like beef jerky?

I mean, I think at that stage we all look like beef jerky. There's no judgment here, Phil. I'm not judging the boy for looking like beef jerky. He's the Biltong King. He's the built-on king. He's the built-on king. You could still say he looks like a snack. That would be a good old-school roast joke. Girl, you look like a snack.

Beef jerky. That's really good. Very good. Excellent stuff. Yeah. And I got in a hot air balloon on uh on a different day and looked over the valley of the kings i saw i saw you the the on the morning that you put the hot air balloon video up on instagram i was simultaneously a bit hung over but really sort of ill feeling like i just felt wrecked and um waking up in this kind of like ratty apartment and then looking at you and you're like

like hot air ballooning such a funny like it was like in a movie where you've made like the good decision or i've gone i've done i've done the bad decision or or or ultimately you agreed to go with the devil and i didn't and we're in that midpoint where it seems like i made the wrong choice yes yes yes yeah before before the balloon falls out of the sky and then and you like find a pot of gold in a bin or something i find a pot of gold in a bin or something. I find a pot of gold under a guy I help. Yes. Or something. Yes.

Something crude like that. Well, I had to get up at 4.30 in the morning to catch that bloody balloon. The night before where you're like, sorry guys, I can't stay out and party. I got a balloon. I got a balloon in the morning. I got a balloon in the morning about 4.30.

I've got an early commute to the sky tomorrow. You got to pause. You got to say, I've got an early commute to the sky. And then sweep your hand across the room, knocking over everyone's drinks. Well, I mean mean how was that it i would it surely it feels when you're in it like it shouldn't be staying in the sky i was very i was very scared before we got on and it when you turn up it's a whole field full of balloons are being filled up and it's very noisy all these fans are going off and these balloons are so big they look like have you seen um nope the jordan i haven't yet actually it reminded me of of the monster in that they're all these giant sort of

squid octopus heads of lying deflated on the ground, slowly filling up. And then once they fill it with air from the fans, they start the flamethrowers up. They just go... And these are all going off a field of them. And it feels like Uruk-hai preparing for a battle or something. It felt like we were getting ready for war because it's also like five in the morning. So it's like twilight.

And all these flames are going off and all these huge balloons are slowly inflating and they tower over you, you don't realise how big they are and I was getting quite scared because you're literally getting into it looks like a wicker basket it's a big basket but it's like made of plant material

it's very flammable wicker yes yes and we pile in and the pilot has what the things on the shoulders called the black and i think the chevrons go on uh the epaulets at the top or just or just the things on the sleeve epaulets epaulets and and that gave me comfort and he was very good our pilot Bakr

and we lifted off and and it's actually not scary at all, because it lifts off so slowly, you don't even notice you're going because they're just tipping you over the point where the up thrust is

greater than the weight okay so there's no sudden movement it's all very very gradual there are some hairy bits where it looks so much like we were just floating into power cables and the pilot wasn't doing anything and i was like should we be doing something about this but it turns out he's got so much more control than you think. And he'll just suddenly go, and then we'll just lift up over the power cables. Yeah, it was cool. It was cool. And I'm glad I did it because I was very scared.

But I'm very scared of everything. I'm very risk averse. Yeah, I don't know if it would be. I suppose it's scared. But I guess I think risk averse is a better way of putting it because you'll still do stuff. You just want to make sure that it's got a sensible... Like if you were scared of heights,

you wouldn't have done it. But I am kind of scared of heights. But it all felt really solid when I got in. The basket's quite high up to your boobies and... Oh, like a sexy blanket. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I felt like Tutankhamun up in there. I was going to say,

how upset would you have been to look across at a nearby balloon and see Tutankhamun in the balloon? In mummy form? Yeah, he's just there, like, looking out, watching, looking at stuff. Yeah, that'd be horrible.

That'd be horrible to see. I'd assume someone got burnt to a crisp by the flamethrowers. And they just decided to continue with the ride anyway. Well, I'm up here. They're trying to balloon their way to a hospital.

But no, it's a real adventure. A real good time. I can't wait for y'all to see what we made. When's it coming out? I think it'll be good. When's it coming out? I think it'll be good. When's it coming out? I think September sometime. September.

This coming month. Speaking of months, speaking of months, you've just had one. Oh, baby, we've all had a month up here at the Edinburgh Crunch. Yes. The French, the Edinburgh French. I have.

It's been a good month, good numbers, good people, good friends. Loads of cogees, Phil, I can't tell you. Oh, great. Well, one of the crew in Egypt is a pod bud bud shout out to simon yeah he's a pod bud simon great guy um great pod bud big fan oh man well hello simon thank you that's it's starting to get a bit fight club oh yeah very fight club people said the secret smelly the secret smelly handshake. The secret little fart as you pass each other. And a nod. And again, Simon, lovely, good-looking guy.

Not at all the kind of person I think would listen to this. Not even a little bit of a shit-covered goblin. Not at all. Super lovely, super nice guy good taste very good taste and things as well yeah i had some kojis as i sort of brushed past people in a bar and things whoa that's wild yeah it was great and then so many pod buds came to the show it was it's always such a boost i can't tell i guess it is just an awkward thing to say a catchphrase to someone but sometimes they'll say koji to me on the way out almost apologetically as if they're sort of saying like uh bless you reverend thank you they say koji to me without without any embarrassment oh what they just grab your

cheeks and put their face really close to yours and go maybe because they know I originally hated it and so there's more thrill in it there's a delight yeah there's delight whereas they know that I'm sadistic delight yeah whereas they know that I see it as a sign of

slowly assembling some sort of private army yeah they know that I see it as a sign of slowly assembling some sort of private army. Yeah. But it's been very heartening. But your show's gone extremely well. I've seen all the stars. Why, it's a whole shitty just full of stars, just for you and me. A constellation of stars.

Yeah. The propaganda war has been one, I think. Excellent. I had a very similar fringe to last year where people kept coming up to me and saying, you're having a good fringe. Like something out of Truman Show. But that's, I think that's very good. Especially if it's a comedian saying that.

Because, you know, it's hard for a comedian to say that to another comedian. And so if they do, it must really mean it. it yeah they must mean it slash like and or they've heard enough from other people that they feel compelled to say it to me out of kind of irritation and and confirmation well also this is a month where everyone is tired and sick of talking and then if you bump into someone you just have to say something so it's a quite a good thing to reach for yeah yeah hey how's it going you're having a good fringe there was a prank i did well a prank i came up with years ago a very small just verbal prank i came up with at the fringe years ago that i only ever did once to one person and i kept

trying i kept trying trying to remind myself I need to do that prank more. But it was to go up to someone who had a show at the Fringe and look at them and go, hey, I've heard really good things about, and then say someone else's show. That's a great prank. And there's a second way they think you know they think you're gonna

well where he thought i was gonna say his show and then i said um i said someone else's show and he was like okay fair enough that's very funny that is so funny i just kept forgetting to do it to a second person i only did it to one person i like the idea of you being in this sort of really forgetful version of jackass oh i forgot to put the scorpion in my pants yesterday it's the guys from jackass going oh and then oh no i forgot to set that up oh i forgot to buy a big spider is there um i hearing that Fringe is back to pre-COVID energies and numbers. Sort of. I cannot believe this. I don't think it's back up to the numbers at all.

Because the number of comedy shows is down by like a third. Good, good. I hope it stays there. There are too many. The audience, I think in ratio to that, should be up on last year. Right, right, right. So audience members per show should be up.

Yes, although it's the same number of shows as last year. In fact, it's slightly less again this year. Good, good. I mean, it's because of unfair reasons yes but maybe the ends justify the means an interesting thing that's happening though phil is there are a lot more day trippers oh coming in from where newcastle liverpool glasgow you name it because staying overnight in edinburgh is the big expense yeah yeah the shows cost what they cost they have always cost really they

shouldn't they don't really go up in price unfairly in its own way the food and drink is a rip-off of a standard amount of rip-off it's just the bit where you want to try and sleep near the fun that the landlords of edinburgh will piss directly into your open eyes yeah and the hotels are no better and airbnb is even worse it's shameful it's shameful yeah so people would come up from newcastle see a few shows have a beer get back down on the train. Then that's why it was like, at like five, six o'clock, it's really busy. You go, oh, okay. And then around like nine, ten,

it all just goes whoop. Oh, interesting. It's no late night busyness in the same way as there used to be back before the war. Interesting. That is a horrible voice and face combo. Well done, Pierre. Congratulations on a good month.

I think, Phil, you missed out on Slurpees. Oh, my Doodle Awards, my East Asian Food Awards. So many, from what I can tell, new East Asian restaurants around. Well, they'll be there next year. Maybe not. I'll bring the Slurpees back next year. You'll have to pop up for a week, and instead of doing shows, or even seeing them.

Just constantly gorging on East Asian fusion cuisine. I am missing East Asian food. I got a Korean takeaway yesterday to my house and it was so nice. Because the food in Egypt is... Is a poo. Is a poo pants. It's a poo. It's a poo pants. It's not. It's Middle Eastern food.

It's Eastern Mediterranean food. It's charred meats and flatbreads. And hummus. And mushed chickpeas and mushed aubergines. It's kind of, you know yeah you've had it before the the one the one uniquely egyptian dish that i was aware of something called koshari which is get this a sort of a kind of fried it's fried rice not in the asian style just a fried rice with chickpeas on top and beans, I think, and then pasta and then like a little tomato sauce. Wow.

So it's rice and pasta. No. Put together. I thought the British were the only people bold enough to do rice and pasta. No, the Egyptians are all over it. So it's tomato sauce, rice and pasta. Yeah. That's sort of the national dish.

Gosh. That and stuffed pigeon. Get out of town. Stuffed pigeon. I had a stuffed pigeon. They stuff it full of rice, and there wasn't very much meat on that pigeon, I've got to say. There's a reason we eat the meats we eat, Pierre.

There's a reason we eat the meats that we eat. There's a reason we eat the meats we eat, Pierre. There's a reason we eat the meats that we eat. There's a reason we eat the meats that we eat from the top of our toes to the top of our feet. From the top of our toes to the top of our feet. Yeah. Not long distance. No, I just like eating ham hock, I suppose. Yeah, so the food wasn't great

did you try the pass the rice thing no no I never got no no there was never a day where you thought I think I'd like to spend the day the most bloated and full I've ever been in my life if you'd had a big bowl of that

before you got in the hot air balloon you could have been supplying the gas up into the fucking thing above you it's a huge thing of beans and pasta and rice that is insane wow i can't wait to have a completely sanitized small plates version of it at some point yes yeah so yeah not not not not not amazing but it was got it was incredibly hot it's the hottest i've ever been one we had to call shooting off one day in egypt we were meant to shoot in the desert and we got there and i think the temperature was like 48 degrees Celsius. Get fucked. You get on the air-conditioned bus and instantly felt like your head was being microwaved.

Like your head was hot, but the heat was somehow coming from like the middle of your brain. It was like someone had a big hair dryer and was just going... It was insane. I've never felt heat like it it was it was i posted a video of me dancing around i saw that i didn't know what that was that was some delirium the um the local crew were outside dancing to music and i went out to check out the heat people were leaving the bus like it was a theme park ride going on to want to try, I want to try. And we'd leave the bus and he'd be like... And I was just instantly delirious with heat. And I started dancing with the crew.

They were dancing? Yeah, they were just dancing out there. Or just... To kind of show you that they could deal with the heat or just of their own volition or... I think it was delirium, honestly. And they could deal with it a bit better than the rest of us, for sure.

45. That is horrific. 48, 45. 48, 45. Yeah, it was wild. When, on the flight back, the captain was like, we are expecting 15 degrees Celsius upon arrival at Heathrow. And when he said 15 degrees Celsius, I was...

Jerusalem! I was so thrilled. Just Elgar playing through my head. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just, yeah, you started singing the whole of uh uh sort of various uh uh gilbert and sullivan uh tunes and the airs desk came down the aisle and handed everyone a jelly deal and a pope pie it was so hot Like, people's phones were just turning off. They couldn't handle the heat.

Fuck off. And, like, I tried to wipe my glasses. I tried to go on my glasses, and just there would be no condensation because, like, it's just revaporizing between my mouth and the glasses. Oh, my God. It was so hot. That is fucked. It's the hottest I've ever been in my life.

And I grew up in Malaysia. It was hot. And it was hot and still dry, which means it's easier to deal with. So for it to be dry heat, that is intolerable. That, that is hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real hot. Did you cook an egg on a carbunnet or anything? We realized we should have tried that. That is hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real hot. Did you cook an egg on a

car bonnet or anything? We realised we should have tried that, but we didn't have an egg on us. We didn't have an egg. Is that patting your pockets? Oh, I forgot my egg. Oh no, I'll put my egg in my other pants. Such a bad prankster. I forgot my egg.

God damn it. I learnt a bit of Arabic no is la so if you're like no no no you go la la la la la la I really like that a lot like you put your fingers in your ears yeah exactly

la la la la la I like that a lot. Shukran, la shukrans, which is just thank you. A phrase I learned which I really like is Sebni lawahdi, which means leave me alone. A lot of the Egyptian people, Egyptian, a lot of the Egyptian Arabic people seem to learn when they go,

it's to do with not wanting to buy things. Yes. I mean, I think that's what you need to learn when you go anywhere with some people bothering you to buy souvenirs. It's just, la, la, la, la.

Save me the money. That's what you need to learn and I have been once to Egypt but it was a long time ago from memory you do have to be pretty clear to not be bothered leave me alone sounds quite aggressive to a British person

but it's the bare minimum that's necessary to end the interaction isn't it yeah people speak plainly out there for sure you you when you're somewhere like egypt you realize just how british our attitude of um maybe later um not sorry right now i don't really have any um because you go maybe later and they'll go all right they take you out that your word they're like okay i'll come back it'll be later oh great i'd love to come back later and then you go no no no yeah yeah exactly no one says what they mean here phil maybe that's the best place for an autistic person is just to

move to egypt um in the valley the valley of the kings i was chatting to a gyptologist walking through the valley and then i like looked down i was like oh there's a sort of uh a little bit of hose a little cable on the ground and then the cable was moving i was like oh that's a snake and this snake was just going it's like gold and the little dark spots on it and i was like i was pointing at it and everyone started going oh and the cameraman filming it on it and i was like i was pointing at it and everyone started going oh and the cameraman filming it obviously and this thing was like slithering along the the gravel and at one point like got his head up and was looking at the camera and got his head back down and it slithered away to a corner where all these tourists were like a little um sheltered

hut bit with an information panel and people like running out of the way and it slid into the corner and our our security who was this unit um and uh we who the crew called them beefcake he was just like this very quiet absolutely stacked um security guard who came with us everywhere and he beat it to death with a stick no he killed it and obviously i'm with brits and they're going oh why did he have to kill apparently there's an australian there were australians there who were like in australia we look after the snakes they're like getting annoyed with him uh but then i found out later that basically all snakes in egypt are extremely

venomous yeah and i mean this thing was getting up like looking at us like cobras i think it was a young egyptian cobra and and i was and i was going through this class i was like obviously these fucking brits are going oh why didn't you have to kill it's like dude that thing was cute it'll kill you yeah it's not a fucking hedgehog he didn't stamp mrs tiggywinkle to death i just couldn't believe it i can't believe this british sensibility man even out there in the in the desert in the valley of kings you don't even know what's next and you're like oh why didn't you just let it go go where there's like people everywhere it was hiding in a rock by like an information center where people are going to go

and sit down and wait around there'll be kids walking around there i can't believe this man i can't believe these people no it's it's because they are the descendants of the people who who wiped out the dangerous animals where they're from oh yeah yeah they're just every single animal in the uk is a type of toy a type of toy or a type of food it was just funny after the complaint i looked up snakes in egypt and like every result was just like every snake in egypt will kill you just every single result comes with a big sort of flashing skull next to it did any of them change their minds once you mentioned that it was the deadliest fucking thing no i know these people are beyond beyond help it's a religion animal animals like loving animals is a british religion you can't you

can't talk people out of it. Yeah, that's true. And they won't be affected by practicality because they've never had to be practical with animals. The exception is farmers. They're the only ones who just be like, if there was a guy there chewing straw with big boots on, he would be like, I think he did a grand job.

I'm glad he stamped on his head. Some old Dorset farmer I guess in the defence It's always something like The snake was you know It was scared It was in an area with a lot of people It got into an area with a lot of people And I'm like

Well it's a bad snake then All the other snakes have learned to stay away from the bandit this has been a tourist destination for what a hundred years it's a it's a bad snake if it's not figured this out we're in its home yeah not really not really these tombs have been here longer old tut has been here a lot longer than this snake i gotta say That's true. Old Tut's there. Tutting.

Because you're not killing the fucking snakes. Yeah. Anyway, every day was an adventure. It was pretty wild. Yeah, it sounds it. It'll be exciting when it comes out. Shall we quickly do some correspondence? Yes, yes.

Ring letters. E-mails. E-mails. Phone calls. Twits. Your sister will keep a straight eye for you. dance. Yes, yes. Letters, emails, phone calls, tweets, messages, emails, correspondence. My laptop's

running out of battery because I don't plan for the future. Let's read some letters and let's make them feel real nice let's run our eyes along the patterns that they've put on to um their emails, yeah. I thought I was known as letters and words. So Matt Atkinson has sent some tat. I'm choosing these emails a bit randomly. Matt Tatkinson?

Matt Tatkinson. So it's a pretty classic tat here, Phil. Let's see if you can whisper it. Okay. This kitchen is blank with blank. This kitchen is blessed with blank. This kitchen is blessed with love. Love is correct. This kitchen is built with love.

No. Decorated with love. Oh, think more kitchen-y. Ah, with. Scented with love. Spiced with love. Oh, seasoned with kitchen-y. Ah, with. Scented with love. Spiced with love. Oh, seasoned with love. Seasoned.

Seasoned, baby. The kitchen is seasoned with love. Thank you. You don't season a kitchen, but fine. No, what does that mean? Well, it means that someone's sprinkling love all over the kitchen, like putting it in the grinder and just... Or is it like you get some love,

a lovely big wet kilogram of love? Fresh from the butchers. Yeah, fresh butcher's love. Yeah. It should be funny. That's a funny name for a show. I'm at that stage of the fringe where everything sounds like a funny name for a show.

You get some Fresh Butcher's Love. You dry it out. You toot and cum on it. And then you take it and put it in a blender, and you blend it up. It gets all powdery, and then you put it in a sort of firework or a bomb in the center of the kitchen,

and just blah. And now there's love everywhere. Oh, no, there's love everywhere. Wiping it off your hands. Yeah, and then sort of like going, because there's love in your eyes, love powder. And it really stings. It's so spicy.

You zoom in on a microscopic level and all the pointy bits of love hearts are like poking into your eyeball. Exactly. level and all these all the pointy bits of love hearts are like poking into your eyeball exactly um yeah there is to just yeah what does that mean we we have a nice home we have a nice home is that what it means i guess so i guess that's what all these things are means i guess so i guess that's what all these things are um okay simon gets in touch simon is it simon from the shoot it might be simon b skyven from what he's meant to be doing in order to write simon simon b skyven is that what your friend of the crew said whenever he had a little rest

yeah oh simon b skyven he flash a gang sign and say, Simon B. Skyven. Simon says, afternoon, smellers. Smellers. Instead of fellas. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I just came across this mental ad for a hentai game on The Guardian. What?

So hentai is anime porn? it's uh sort of sexy japanese cartoon stuff and the right so an ad for a hentai game is on the guardian website yeah and um i'm just gonna plug in my charger because i have phone my oh my god hey you know how a modern flat would have more than two plugs per room, Phil? Not yet. So, I just came across this mental ad for a hentai game on The Guardian. Crackers. Absolutely crackers.

PC attached. Assuming some poor incel actually clicks on this abomination, are we to believe that even in this fantasy world, that's in capitals, oh, he starts addressing the content of the ad. I'll just tell you what it is. So because it's The Guardian, it's quite a horrible contrast

to have a hentai game advert underneath some very worthy content. So do you want to hear the worthy content that is just above it first please it is a uh a sort of letter or a opinion piece by an article by someone called shadi khan saif and it says let me explain my dear son why i left you in afghanistan hang in there i have not given up blimey okay so it's a afghan refugee fleeing afghanistan story yes and then right underneath it is it's a it's a it's a hand it's a it's a japanese cartoon lady with huge norks phil enormous breastsormous breasts, I'm saying.

Okay? And she's sort of looking up at the reader, concerned, like... And she's saying, I'll go on top if you can't. No, what? She's got huge norks and she's in a kind of like... Sort of like a robe? I'll hold it up to the camera. What is that? Oh, jeebus.

It's a, I'd say that's a blouse. Yeah. Sort of loose Japanese style blouse. And it's some sort of comic strip hentai. But it's very, it makes it seem like the guy left his son in Afghanistan because he needed to get to the West to play hentai but it's very it's it makes it seem like the guy left his son in afghanistan because he needed to get to the west to play hentai games it looks like that's the title he's going let me explain why i left you enough oh no and that's the reason look at this look at this son i knew you'd get it

oh my look at those cartoon breasts i knew you'd understand why I had to flee I just had no choice I had no choice this is too haram this is too haram for Afghanistan I had to flee so that I could have access to this you'll understand when you're older son I swear you'll understand

when you're 16 you'll do the same, my son. Why is the Guardian at a point where it needs money for porn? Well, I don't know how these things work. They just sign up to a sort of general package service. Yeah, but you think they'd untick the option for massive cartoon venues. Yeah, this is it. This is what I think.

Surely you have enough control where you can go, yeah, but we don't want the hentai game adverts underneath the stories about refugees, maybe. Do you think they said, we don't want the hentai game adverts, and the provider went, okay, I'll just type that in, and let's see what your revenue comes to now. That's two pounds a month. But with the hentai, it's about 10,000.

And they just went, ah. I guess people who read The Guardian love the liberal paper of record and hentai. Oh, well. Well, it is sort of foreign art, I guess, in a way. Oh, that's true. Guardian readers are all about that shit. That's true they go oh it's actually very interesting it's world porn i would love i would love a genre called world

porn and the music is really sort of like bongos and fucking accordions and too many different instruments at once like a rainmaker someone's playing a rainmaker during a porno a lot of sort of like um you know algerian synth music is playing anyway so simon addresses the the insane advert he says assuming some poor incel actually clicks on this abomination are we to believe that even in this fantasy world the player is in such a sorry physical state that they are unable to go on top Surely you're living your fantasy, right? This is your fantasy

fantasy woman, a Japanese anime girl with enormous breasts and your issue is like, I'm a bit tired to go on top. Yeah, I don't... I don't know if I can be bothered to go on top

of my ideal woman. Presumably. I want the cartoon to fuck me. I don't want to fuck a cartoon. That's childish. I have... I have overcome the laws of physics yeah and logic to be able to have literally have sex with an animated ideal woman but i'm just a bit knackered actually

i think i'm just i'd like to i can't really be bothered. Can you, can you, can you go on top? It's insane. So, so Simon makes a good point. He says, perhaps the protagonist is so used to being sedentary. Ah, yes. That they, who are we kidding? He can't even fathom being able to support his own weight. Oh, God.

He's so fat and knackered from Mountain Dew and nachos and sitting in a big chair that the lady just has to do her best on him. I think that's probably right. That's probably it. I reckon that's it. Simon says, Anyway, very much enjoyed your second live show at the Leicester Square Theatre.

I'll be at the Leicester Square Theatre again on the 23rd of November. Brackets, says Pierre. Very much enjoyed your second live show at the Leicester Square Theatre and all of the sweet, sweet eye contact I received from Philip. Oh!

Did I give a lot of eye contact? Apparently. Wow. Pierre, unfortunately I was sat in such a way that I was unable to intrude on your gaze until next time. Yeah, yeah. I guess because we're sort of facing

each other, our cones of vision would have crossed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was at the other end of your cone cross. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was at the other end of your cone cross. Yeah. He was in my cone. He was in your cone.

I can't do good. Someone else was in my cone. Yeah. I can't do hard. He says, thanks for all the pooey pudding. No, no, pooey podding. It's a pooey pudding.

Pooey pudding. It says something that I was happy with that. Yeah. I was like, yeah, the pooey pudding yeah yeah a lovely treat but also pooey thanks for all the pooey podding you're stankfully oh i love it many stanks many stanks simon thank you very much kind refarts simon nice lovely a lovely collection of of uh sign-offs there a lovely collection of sign-offs simon sign-offs simon sign-off we have one minute we have one minute uh what should we say in one minute um thank you for listening i think we'll record should we record the bonus part closer to the time

yeah let's try that if we can although i'm away in sweden if you're in sweden this weekend i'm at the lund comedy festival come along to that otherwise i am touring again here back home in september to october go on my website. Look at my dates. Come see me live. Lund's Comedy Festival Theater. And then I'm in Australia in November doing shows. So come to that.

Check that out. Go to my website. It's Global Phil. Global Phil. Getting his Phil. Alright guys. Alright then guys. his Phil. Alright guys. Alright then guys. Lovely to speak to you. Good to be back home. Okay. Cheers guys. Thank you very much

for coming to my Fringe show if you did. If you're coming to see me on tour, the tour is the last show. I'll be touring this Fringe show at some point next year. It's Staggered Novelli. It's classic Staggered Novelli. It's classic staggered novelly. Yep.

Exactly right. Much love. See Patreons on Friday. Otherwise, see you guys another time. Bye-bye. Much love. Bye.