BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 23 - EdinBudPod!

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

EdinPodBud! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie hit the Edinburgh Festival Fringe! No sketches this week, sorry sweet listeners! Phil’s secret shame show. Season finale of the UK Banter! Phil finds an accent loophole. Sassy train child VS rude Australian man. Pointless retweets, a brief guest GUEST appearance by Glenn Moore, sommelier nonsense and more Phil wine snobbery, water tasters and CORRESPONDENCE!  Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the Edinburgh Fringe again, Phil. We're here. Phil's just finished... I'm eating a Reese's Pieces. Phil is eating a Reese's Pieces. He's got one of Reese's Pieces. And he's eating Reese's Pieces. Reese has very kindly put one of his pieces in my mouth.

And I'm chewing away. Hello, PodBuds. I'll just have to take a second to think about it. You're listening to Edinburgh Pod. Part one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Caledona Pod. Ooh. We could do lots of these. Arthur's Pod. Pod Ark of the Glen. Very nice. Thank you. Ooh. The Borders Pod. Pod Borders. Arthur's pod um Podhawk of the Glen very nice thank you

ooh the borders pod pod borders uh Scott Scott Brave Brave Pod

Brave Pod Brave Pod I like Brave Pod Scott Pod Scott Pod is good um we're gonna be doing loads of these is the idea guys

the pod beyond the walls the king of the pods We're going to be doing loads of these, is the idea, guys. The pot beyond the walls. The king of the pods, the pod remembers. The north remembers to like and subscribe. Yes, Pierre has just arrived in our Edinburgh Fringe flat today. I got here yesterday. I had a sleep in what I thought was the best room. It took me about an hour walking between.

I was the first one here, so I was just like a madman walking between rooms. Maybe this one feels better. Oh, but what about the air in here? And then I decided on the one in the back to stay away from the street noise. Yes. Only to find out this morning that that's where all the birds in Edinburgh live. It's east-facing, so the sun just beats their horrible silhouettes into my face. And also, presumably, you're looking out onto the gardens,

and that's where all the children will be coming to play. But by children, you mean university plays. Then I think I'm starting to hear a couple of people. Oh, no. Yes, we're here just before warm-up season. Listener, dear listener, the population of Edinburgh triples almost during the Fringe. Two million extra people

come. Yeah, and loads of those people are in a cappella groups, and they go to the park. A lot of part harmonies there. A million part harmonies. They go to the park, or they go to the garden of the place they're renting and they go, me, me, me, me, me, me. Hoo, hoo, wee, hoo, hoo, ha, ha.

Ooh, electric apples, taste of salmon. Electric apples, taste of salmon. And they do all these fucking cunty little drama group warm-ups. And they are a pain. Yeah. And so maybe you'll be blessed with those. Yeah, but, you know, good luck to them. Hope they have a good fringe.

I will say this. The times I've come to the fringe with sort of bad plays or whatever, or just any play. I don't mean you've come with a bad play. I think every production you've come here with has been good. That's true. That said, I was in one of them, so I am biased. That's true.

And they do, but they all sell out you can turn up half drunk with a lot of other students and go Hamlet again? and the British public and the tourists that come to Edinburgh will go yes, Hamlet again

we're all on our way now please save some room in your pockets for our £20 notes. Whereas original comedy by wonderful people like you and me, scorned, well not you,

you're not scorned this year. No. Have you ever been scorned? Scorned? Yeah. In what sense? By the fringe, by the public.

Of course. When was your scorn year? Was the year you preferred to forget? My third show was dreadful so bad that when people ask me how many shows I've done here,

I don't count it. You were like... I'd say four shows. It's like the 13th floor in a building for you. Yeah, it didn't happen. You just say it's not there. Bad luck.

That show was going so badly that after it ended, as people walked out of the room, because the backstage is just next to the seat separated by a thin sheet of gossamer, I would cover my ears because I couldn't bear to hear what

they thought it was. Oh, God! You were in there, like a character in a kind of horrible coming-of-age drama where it was like, hide in the cupboard Philip, don't listen don't listen to what they're doing to your father

or whatever, and you were sat there with your fingers in your ears, weeping and saying there's no place like home but I saw that show and it made me laugh a lot did it? yeah, the Teletubbies bit right? oh no, that was the second show, that show was very good which one was the third one?

exactly, wait a minute. You've erased my memories. I men in blacked every one. Yeah. At one of the Fringe parties once. Yeah, with spiking the punch, I guess. I can't remember that one. That's the kind of thing about...

Wait. Meditation. Yeah. Meditation show. Which is why I now say that was actually a one man play I had enough tech in it

that was technically a play so okay that's fair that was a play my first ever show here which you know I was excited about my debut

I was like I'm one of the greats I'm gonna have the best debut ever it's gonna be a round and round hit people won't be able to get tickets

and on the last Friday Friday there were 16 people in fucking hell man my debut show, now for the listeners who don't know your debut show at the Fringe is very important in theory because you are only eligible for the big newcomer

prize that gets you on TV and the radio and in everyone's phone book it doesn't really do that but it can do that a bit if you're lucky sometimes and in everyone's phone book. It doesn't really do that. But it can do that a bit if you're lucky sometimes. And also you get £5,000. So with that in mind, you're only eligible once. So if you do your hour show, that's it. You've spaffed your chance away.

So you're supposed to be all strategic, but I just wandered in and almost immediately did mine. It's not worth worrying about. No, and for my efforts, I got 10 three-star reviews and two fours, and it was all absolutely fine. I think I got one four-star review in my first year from a reviewer that I was convinced just wanted to bop my manager. And that was enough.

And I turned up my die. That's what this business does to you, Pierre. That's what it does to you. It turns you into your own worst enemy, best friend, and pimp. That's mother comedy. Remember we used to talk about mother comedy? Yeah. Ah, mother comedy.

Cruel. The forces of comedy. Yes, well, this is it. So, listener, basically the idea is, me and Phil, while we're sat here talking to you, are engaged in, even at the calmest level we can describe it, a sort of stupid gladiator

booze arena full of clowns. Yeah, yeah, it's a special wonderful magical play. So, it's going to be a weirder pod. There may be fewer skits and sketches, because the emotional energy and physical time it takes to add um for example in one of the one of the recent pods two different wind howling dot wav sound effects to create a really good wind howling plus a fireplace crackle

plus the different door noises some of which weren't even technically doors, listeners. A pig behind the wizard's carton. Yeah. Seven layers of audio, that. Yeah. So there may not be time for that kind of jazz. So do bear with us. However, there will be lots of content with me and Phil, but also guests.

We'll have our favorite comedian guests that are willing to come on. Yes. All the best comedians that are willing to come on and that we know personally and are physically in Edinburgh during the month and are free. Yes. I will come on. Yes. All the best comedians that are willing to come on and that we know personally and are physically in Edinburgh during the month are not free.

Yes. I will be on this pod. You bet your bananas. You had a good trip up? A good train up? You got up earlier than I did. My train was at 8am, which is...

Oh, there was a funny thing on the train, actually. Oh, yeah? Yes. Oh, yeah. Well, keep it to yourself. Not interested.

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, limes or lemons? So basically, I was sat in a quad around a table and this was in first class listener because if you're a clown and you know you're coming up to Clown Town for the month, you book months in advance. Super cheap.

So you can enjoy your body weight in free biscuits. And if you book really early enough, you get to drive the train. That's right. I dropped the train yesterday. If you book far too late, you have to be on the train or pushing it. Not in the train. On top

of the train. On top of the train, screaming with eyes full of bugs. All bug eyes. So we were in a quad. We were four people, me and some comedy chums, sat around this table having a rile time, Phil.

Sure. We were chuckling and a-chortling. Were other people in the carriage turning and going, they're comedians. They're comedians. They were clapping. Yeah.

Well, actually, funny you should say that, Phil. It was quite the opposite. People were booing. Ooh, well, and one man booed. One man was almost booed. He was so furious. So basically, it's two chairs facing each other, right? And this man

is over the shoulders of the people I'm looking at. Can I grab some chocolate? Yep. He's over the shoulders of the people I'm looking at. Can I wrap some chocolate? He's over the shoulders of the people I'm looking at. So only I can see him. And every time someone laughs loudly or tells a funny story

or we all cheer or whatever the fuck, he turns round and looks through the little crack with a face of fury. Like the eye of Sauron. Yeah, yeah. And he looks through the crack and he makes noises like this.

And he's absolutely livid. He's livid. People are laughing on the train. And he's there with his... Sounds like me. Was it me? No. That's exactly the kind of attitude I would have.

This was, I would say, a fat Australian man in his late 50s. Ew! With what I'm going to describe, Phil, as a less audibly annoyed, but equally visibly annoyed, frowny wife in a big dress. Well, they both sound dreadful. They look like bad Roald Dahl characters, who you don't sympathise with in the Quentin Blake illustration because he's made them seem visibly cruel. And they were a huffing and a haughting all the way through and I think they even complained to the man at one point.

Really? Yeah, yeah. The man said, excuse me, I just heard him mumbling in this kind of like, excuse me, the noise of joy coming from behind me and I'm not coming to Edinburgh. And the man was just like, well well we're all going to Edinburgh soon like it was just because it's like well we're also first class passengers so you can't fuck with us yeah you can't you can't take away our biscuits or something you're just a grumpy man but I was I feel I was so ready for a for a word I was so keen for a word I was like I was so ready for a word. I was so keen for a word.

I was like, oh, I'm just waiting. You know, they wouldn't have taken it that far. But I huffed back once. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. When he made a big huffing noise, I went... And every time he looked through the crack, I'd look at him and smile and nod.

Yes, laughing's happening. I was so close. All it was going to take for me was one more big noise. I was going to, I don't know, just swear at him through the crack or just go, Are you all right, sir?

Are you having a nice train journey? It would be really horrible because he was ruining our good time. But that was like sixth sense because only I could see the angry man. Everyone else was still having an organically fun time whereas I was having a fun time whilst continually looking over other

people's shoulders. But sir, there hasn't been an old Australian arsehole here. Why that's the well I guess it would be their old Geordie the crew. Geordie. Why, that's a ghost of old Australian Pete.

He died on the Trax Lake. That is... He'd exploded. What happened? You'd say... And while he died... God, this is bad, actually. ...a bunch of children laughed and laughed at him and died.

That was Africa. That was a weird Congolese. Laughed and laughed at him and died. That was Africa. That was a weird Congolese. Laughed and laughed at him. Yeah, laughed and laughed at him, why I? Until he died. Died. Until he died, why I? And that is why he doesn't like it.

He doesn't. When he hears young people laughing on the train. Because why I? man up that way. I think you've just... It's good that you have a routine in your show this year about doing accents. And when they're offensive or not. Which is mostly never. Yeah.

In the routine. Just come watch the show, you fuckers, if you disagree. But that wasn't offensive because there was a Geordie accent. But this is it. You found a loophole. Do you see what I mean, right? If you just say, I'm going to do an impression of a Geordie, and they go, nice to meet you,

then immediately everyone's just going to go, well, we can't pin him. We can't get him for this. Because that was a Geordie voice. And you go, well, it's not illegal to be bad at voices is essentially your defence I found a loophole you've loopholed it

I've loopholed it as Alan Shearer might say yes yes yes well on my train my train was not so fraught but there was a little boy who was there with his Scottish mother. He was, he sounded English, but his mum was Scottish.

And also in the first class carriage, because I booked ahead. And also, fuck you. And the boy was just sitting down. He had these thick glasses and he's going, la la la, wah wah wah, yeah yeah yeah. And the mother went, Patrick, stop it. And the little boy went, oh,

I'm sorry, am I affecting your day? That was the greatest thing to say. Am I affecting your day? Like a day was this pathetic thing that she shouldn't be precious about. Oh, is this your big day, Mum?

Taking me back to your native land of Scotland where humming is illegal. That's very good. What a sassy little boy. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I affecting your day? I'm going to start saying that to people now. If that man huffed, when that man huffed on the train,

you should have gone, uh, and put your head between chairs. Um, excuse me, sir, are we affecting your day? That would have been good because it's like we went on two trains with opposite halves of the same situation. Mmm, yes. I wish that little boy

had been there. He would have joined in. He would have. Slapping his knee trying to get out. He would have sassed that old Bruce right up the wall. He would have sassed him

real nice. And I would have loved it. Yeah. Sounds like a sassy ghost. He did look a bit like Hayley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense.

Big blob of hair like a big acorn on his head. Yeah, although he wasn't a ghost, obviously. Terrible haircuts, those haircuts. Terrible. Lazy. Let your kid have a big shaved head hairstyle. Let them look cool.

Of course, there was a surplus of bowls in the 90s, so people were just... Anything you could find to use a bowl for keeping your cocaine big cocaine bowl on breakfast you'd have bowls of cereal bowls of cocaine, bowl of pasta

big bowl of coffee, French style and it was fine no one complained or lost their job I just wish we could turn this country off I think we should say that again fine. No one complained or lost their job. I just wish we could turn this country off. I think we should say that again. I think we should just... You know, has anyone tried

turning this country off and on again? I love it. It's going to be satire central this month, listener. That's what we're warning you about. I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of this season finale of the UK. The writing this season has been a bit unbelievable.

Tell them to tone it down. Oh, Christ. God. That's the one saving grace of living in terrible times is when someone tweets this is where we're at now. Let that sink in. I think, oh, at least the terrible times

are ruining that person's life. Because I want them to have a bad time. With their obvious things that they say. Or 20,000 retweets. Yes. There is a lot of retweeting action available for anyone willing to say things like, I think this terrible thing is bad. And they don't do anything, generally.

They don't write to an MP or anything. But they do tweet. generally. They don't write to an MP or anything. But they do tweet. It's amazing how much people want someone to say what they think for them. They don't want to bother typing themselves.

It's like finding a birthday card. Yeah, that's what I want to say. And you just hit one button. I'm going to just repeat that. And also, I'm going to react almost in such a way as like, it's almost as if I wasn't already thinking that. It's like they've said it to me for the first time.

That's a level of enthusiasm, right? Whereas if I read a thought and it's a thought I've had loads, I'm not pleased. I'm bored. I go, yeah, I know. It's like innovative stuff but like

it's like it's like they say you know McDonald's is popular yeah people love the same thing over and over again for sure

it's comforting and delicious I mean we're here at our 10th Edinburgh Fringe Christ we are we're decker dickheads I've

I've not done a full show of all of them, but I've been here in some guise, I think, for ten years on the straight now. I've performed for ten years in a row, whereas you had a saucy break. Ten years. Ten years I laboured. It's like something from...

I'm the hot Scottish sun. The hot Scottish sun. Haggis sweat dripping into my brow. Ten years. Children laughing at sweat dripping into my brow. Ten years. Children laughing at me. Audiences not. Wrong way round. And at the kids' show,

the other way round. Stony-faced children howling at us. That was fine. That was okay. That was okay, because the kids aren't in charge of what they do. Yeah, ten years. The last time I had an August that wasn't at Edinburgh during the Fringe

was just before university. Wow. Goodness me. Yeah. Whereas yours must have been the last one. Well, no, your last one was last year, and then before that it must have been... Well, actually, I still came for a couple of days to watch my friends.

To hang out with you. Because I decided I'm not going to go to Edinburgh this year. Ah, I'm going to came for a couple of days to watch my friends. To hang out with you. Because I decided I'm not going to go to Edinburgh this year. Ah, I'm going to have such a wonderful time. And then I thought, oh, I've got nothing to do. Because I usually go to Edinburgh for all my... I'll just go up again. It's where all my friends are. Yeah, that's where all my friends are.

Have a big round all the time. Yeah, well, this is the thing. It's that it is sort of verging on compulsory. It's not, but it's verging on compulsory. And maybe we'll do little updates on things we've seen. I'm going to keep it all to myself.

Phil knows the hottest spots in town, but he's not telling. Yes, I hope there'll be an eventful time to delight you all with. Do you have anything in the month that's not comedy that you actually want to see? Want to see? Yeah, that's not comedy. I've been told to see a play. Really?

I've become a member of iRoom and I'm trying to see this play. Someone irresponsible. Yeah, I want to try to see a play. Really? Come over by a room and try and see this play. Someone irresponsible. Yeah. I want to try and see some magic. And some music. Some music? Yeah. For the last few years, I've got at least one music thing, and it really does help.

Do you know what really helped me once at the Fringe a few years ago? Just going to the cinema. Yeah, it's lovely. And seeing something that's definitely good and cost 30 million dollars after a lot of paper mache and people in white face paint it really does feel nice to see some

3D some professionalism quality on a big screen yeah aside from that, we've got a lovely Victorian swimming pool. We're going to be Victorian swimming boys. We're going to wear a big red and white stripy one-piece.

Yeah, that goes up over your shoulders. And then like down, just within your nips. Yes. And then just above the belly button. Yes. So the neckline, yeah. Hop, ho!

Hop, ho! And we'll get big handlebar mustaches. And shave our heads. yeah. Hop, ho. Hop, ho. And we'll get big handlebar mustaches. Big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, I'm giving Glenn a little finger. I'm so sorry. I'm sucking him off, so it's balanced out. Yeah. Whoa! This is Glenn of absolute radio fame, I guess. Yeah, I was one. And also at a comedy award nomination fame. Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you.

Glenn is one of the guests we will be having on. Yes. So here's a lovely preview. But not today, so bye. Bye, Glenn. Bye, Glenn. Good to see you all. It's a common word. Good to see you all. That's his catchphrase Bye, Glenn. Good to see you all. It's a calm look.

Good to see you all. That's his catchphrase that everyone loves. Good to see you all. Yeah, yeah. People say, good to see you all! They really scream it.

And of course, after the murder of his family, it was carved into the wall of his house. Real helter-skelter stuff. But that's American fame for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh well. He'll ruin you. He'll get over it. Are you going to be a booze bag? Well, I've said to myself no, but we've already had a beer today. Yeah.

But you bought those. I did. I'm also going for a flat dinner tonight, which is very supplies, and I intend to imbibe a lot of the old vino. Ha ha ha! For the rest of the fridge I'll probably try and

A few days off at a time if I can Vino is what Phil calls semen Yes You're a big wine bag Yes I'm a big old wine bag You're a wine bag dime bag You're a dime a bag wine a bag I didn't have wine

I like nice I only like nice. I didn't know wine. I like nice. I only like nice wine, but I'm a real wine prick now. So actually I think it means I drink less wine. Because when it's rubbo, rubbish, I say no thanks at all. When it's rubbo, you say no. Yeah, I say no. No thanko. No. I'll just stay sober and have a beer.

I'd rather drink piss than you. I've seen you push a sommelier over. Yeah, yeah, you. I've seen you I've seen you push a sommelier over and take their cup into chain from around their neck. And then grab him by the ankles

and shake him until all the corks fall out of the pockets. Say let there be a warning to you. Wang's in town. And then he runs and you see him

run into an alleyway with loads of other sommeliers smoking and he goes Jesus boys Wang's in town. And they all know. One day I was bored and I thought, what if I have a breakdown and I quit comedy and I become a sommelier? And I looked up how long it takes.

And it takes fucking forever. Really? How long? It takes seven years to get to a decent grade. And you have to study and do exams and it's so expensive because of course it is no one wants

Barry the sommelier so they've made it only available to the eludes I think the top the top qualification you can have is a master of wine

yeah and I think they're not kidding 42 in the world yeah or something if you want to get to the point where you're like a

member of the guild or something you're not just like a learner or an amateur it was like years and years like tens and tens of thousands of pounds in like learning fees and booze um imagine back in the day you just went i don't really like it or you just went you you know what, I still like Echo Falls. If you were at a party, I'll take it. For antisocial Philly. I'll try and hop in back. Just imagine being at a party, right, and you turn up and all the booze they have

is stuff like Echo Falls wine. The only alcohol. Yeah. But you're at the party, you're committed now for at least three hours at the party. And you're in now for at least three hours at the party. Okay. And you're in the mood. Yeah.

Are you drinking the Echo Force? Are you holding your nose and choking down that acidic nonsense? I'll have a taste of glass, sure, and see if someone will go from there. You have to take it from there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen Echo Force per bottle go for four pounds to give you an idea of the sort of thing

you're dealing with yeah I mean it might be fine I don't think I've ever had one what would the safest be rosé because it's just full of sugar

yeah probably you can't fuck that up can you no that's fine yeah that's basically do you think in my head

the sommeliers that get bullied are the ones that focus on rosé. Because it's like, ooh, was it sugary? Oh, what can you taste? Sweetness?

The ultimate cool thing in wine is to find really good versions of things that people are snobby about. So if you're like, this is a delicious rosé, people go, very clever. I once,

I once, do you remember the TV show Brainiac? Yeah. It was on Sky. Was it? Brainiac. Cartoon?

No, it was a, it was like a, it was a science show hosted by a man who used to be on the TV. Okay, maybe I don't remember. And, uh, they would do science experiments, but like fun ones.

It was like Top Gear-style level seriousness. Oh, yeah. But for science. And I think it was on Brainiac, but if it wasn't, it was on something else. And it doesn't matter. The point is, they found a vodka man. A vodka sommelier. Oh, right.

Whatever you'd call that. Not a man made out of vodka, which was for some reason my first instinct. No, no. A vodka sommelier, or tramp, as they're known. whatever you'd call that not a man made out of vodka which was for some reason my first no no a vodka sommelier or tramp as they're known or Russian person

and they found this guy and they said okay we're going to do a blind taste test with this guy to test if this is a real thing

because we know it is with wine okay but vodka is just ethanol and water right a lot of the time

so and what they did was water right a lot of the time so and what they did was they got a bottle of high quality he had like 7 shots in front of him and there was one shot of high quality the real deal good shit and then the rest of it was horrifying

one pound a bottle you might go blind piss which they put through like a bunch of coffee filters oh yeah and they'd put it through different layers like one had gone through

one filter one had gone through two one had gone through three okay all the way up to six yeah and then the seventh shot is the good one

right and they mix it all up yeah and the guy put them in the right order wow he put them from least filtered piece of shit

all the way to six times filtered piece of shit. And then best, he put the best one. Wow. Okay. Incredible. So it was real. Yeah. It's real.

But imagine like, obviously, you know, wine. Oh, yeah. Have a wine tasting. A vodka tasting. My God. You're just like, so what did you learn about vodka last night? I don't remember. I don't fucking remember.

I can smell it in my armpits, though. That's the worst thing about vodka. You can smell it evaporating off your body. I don't know. I have a story with the royal family, but aside from that, I can't remember what else. I'm in the paper, but I can't tell if they're angry or pleased. There's a lot of exclamation marks in this article. There are water sommeliers.

You know this. Oh, I've heard about this. Yeah. Is this a Silicon Valley thing? No, I think there's at least one in London. No, there's a couple in London. It's like a high-end restaurant thing, I think. Look, I respect a scam as much as the next man.

But you can definitely taste the difference between waters oh that is for sure i don't think it's worth uh training for no but like the idea that someone could taste some water and go that's minerally yeah it's like well i could have told you that whereas when someone tastes a wine and they say gooseberries i'm like shit fine yeah okay one of the real upsides of being in Scotland for a month is the lovely, lovely tap water. The water, listeners, if you don't know, in London the tap water is full of rat skulls and limescale and

powder and corpses. Yeah, and just bricks just come out of your tap. Whole bricks. And those are fine. But Scottish water is genuinely it tastes almost sweet coming out of the tap

yeah yeah all that glacial highland shit straight from a highland spring the best ever I've ever had

best tap water I've ever had in my little life was in Iceland that just comes straight from a

melted glacier into your sink straight from Bjork's tears. Tear gland. That shit was crisp. See, now you're a water sommelier. Yeah. You've travelled.

The one thing I'm sure you... Blown over a load of water. Did it kill my lips? Looking down at the sea going, that looks salty. What year is that? What year is that? Is it now? This water's been kept in a bottle

for a hundred years. Don't drink it, you'll die. It's full of disease. The, um... What the fuck was I going to say? Come on, yeah? The listeners are waiting! I've only had three hours sleep, listeners. I'm sorry.

I'm very... I'm not good. I think that's why the small can of beer I had hit me like a... hit me like the swing of a giant's doll. Hit you like a ton of London water? It hit me like a ton of London water. It hit me like a ton. I'm nervous before my gig, I'm London water again. Ring letters.

Emails. Phone numbers. Your sister. Correspondence A bit of correspondence Bleepalob Yes Lewis gets in touch

And Lewis Forgive me if I'm right Forgive me if I'm wrong I think you're the man Who's made us some fun images That I put on my Instagram In the past I'm pretty sure

Oh great But anyway I love Lewis The I love Lewis And I love Lewis Ooh You deserve it Lewis Even if it's not you Anyway Hi double Ps pretty sure oh great uh but anyway i love lewis the isle of lewis and i love lewis you deserve it lewis even if it's not you anyway hi double p's you were saying that as comedians you get a lot of people saying oh i've got a joke for you sure uh i've just finished an illustration degree and the amount of people who tell me their shit children's book ideas is astonishing

that's very funny. I was wondering, in your opinion, which profession would be the most inappropriate to feign an expertise in during awkward small talk? For my money, it would be an undertaker. And saying, oh, well, I'm not an undertaker myself, but I do know loads about corpses. Koji Lewis. Oh, right, right.

So you're not lying to someone about having a job. It's about trying to impose yourself on someone on a job you're open about not having. This is it, yeah. Okay. Hmm. Like a social worker? Yes. Oh, the thing you need to do with a suicidal disabled person is this.

Like, that would be pretty fucking inappropriate I would have been kinder to them Have you considered tough love Really inappropriate shit. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like family counseling. Yeah, I can't think I suppose anything to do with mental health Anything to do with mental health charity charity High level medical expertise Anything to do with mental health? Charity. Charity. High-level medical expertise. Brain surgery.

Yeah. Anything where it's like, but then that's almost so ridiculous that people would just think you were being very funny. You know, I think brain surgery is not that difficult. My mother is a doctor, and she's like, brain surgery is not hard. Well, we know that Ben Carson can do it, and he thinks the pyramids were made to store grain, despite the fact that they're solid brick with a small tunnel. It's almost as if they couldn't think of a more efficient design to store grain in, like all the ancient Egyptian grain silos that we do have. God, he's thick.

Yeah. How lucky we are that he didn't become president. Well, I mean, if he's a brain surgeon, he's used to carving a hole in something to get at what's inside. Everything's a brain to him. So presumably just all the Egyptians are the same. Yeah, we carve a hole and it's mostly full and you chop things up. Full of gloopy pink grain. That's an Egyptian zombie.

Grain. Well, they get the brain removed during mummification with a creepy hook. Of course. As we all learned at primary school. We did. I was obsessed with that fact. Because when you're a kid, you love oogly boogly facts that are gross for mum and dad. That's who you love.

Yeah. It's your favourite. Like Glenn Moore, who we'll have on, has a funny thing about gross comedy for gruesome little boys and girls. She's very funny. Anyway, thank you for that, Lewis. I think that's mental health or medical matters that require... But yeah, anything that's mental health,

that's the most awkward. Yeah, I would say so. Zara gets back in touch. Zara, Zara, what... I'm say so. Zara gets back in touch. Zara, Zara. What a... What a palaver. It's a half rhyme. Dear bread pops. Okay, good.

I like that. Oh, we did get a message from someone, whoever you were, that they spat water on themselves on the tube because of bread smelling like... bread sounding like farts. So they were just catching up. Oh, they spat some water on themselves? Yes, I think so.

Anyway. Most uncool cool thing. Drugs. Okay. Sure, there's this indie don't give a fuck vibe associated with weed and the like

until you're submerged into the bucket hat wearing indie demographic of a Tame Impala concert. Oh boy, I was at a Tame Impala concert in Glastonbury and that's fucking Buckethead Central, man. Buckethead

Central. I love them tunes, but wow, the fans are annoying. Oh, it's like the sort of new Grateful Dead. Yeah, I needed to get away from those kids. Once one ketted up moron twice your height is pouring overpriced beer down your neck

during a song, and then you watch another try and overcome the laws of physics by brute forcing through some tube doors afterwards. Duh. Heartily exceeding eight Louis. Yeah. The edgy mystique evaporates faster than piss on a hot pavement. Keith on

Joaquin mit Zara. Are those just men's names? Keith. Juan. Keith. Oh, could Are those just men's names? Keith. Juan. Keith. Oh, could it be? Sorry, she said on. You've already improved it.

That's how natural an editor you are. Yeah, yeah. Writing is rewriting, Zara. So, Keith Juan. Joaquin Mitt, as in Mitt Romney. Yes. Okay, so they're all boys' names. Nice.

Or an oven glove. Does it have two Ts? Yes. Okay, so they're all boys' names. Nice. Or an oven glove. Does it have two Ts? Yes. Yes, it does. Very good, Zara. It does have two Ts. It has to have two Ts or it's the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

And you can't use that to get bread out the oven unless they've built some sort of bread robot. They probably have those point dexters. Those fucking nerds. I would love that if someone on the radio had to break and go those fucking nerds I would love that for someone on the radio to break and go those fucking nerds and then loads of complaints

the boffins my my my mother's clearing out some stuff from my grandfather's my late grandfather's home and they found I found a photograph of Frank Whittle's lab, who invented the jet engine.

Yeah. And my grandfather couldn't serve in the Air Force because he had color blindness, but he worked for Rolls-Royce. And there's a photo of him in a room with a bunch of engineers building one of the first jet engines. That's so cool. And on the back, my young grandfather wrote, waiting while the boffins do their work or something.

And the photo is just him sat on a bench having a sandwich waiting for these guests to tweak their sentences. That's so cool. Very cool. I think it was boffins he bought them. Boffins is a fun term. Yeah.

And it sounds a bit sexy too. Boffins. Boffins and boffins. Leanne gets in touch. Leanne rhymes all the time. Ooh. Hey there,

peapods. Listening to your podcast, I can't remember which one, but I'm almost certain the word poo was mentioned. I think that was three. Yeah. That was number two, sorry. The last minute, he saves it from the net.

It made me think of a funny embarrassing story from my old work, so I thought I'd share it. My brain and mouth are not always engaged at the same time. During a break at work, I nipped to the ladies. Presumably she is a lady, Leanne. Went into the first cubicle

and was met by the sight of a gigantic toilet clogger. Lovely. Big old poop. Pink old lady poop. A lady had gone in there. A lady clogger. A lady clogger. A lady had gone in there. A pair of Dutch clogs. And laid a A lady clogger. A lady clogger. A lady had gone in there. A pair of Dutch clogs. And laid a logger clogger. A logger clogger from the lady logger.

She'd done it. Down the bogger. Down the bogger. She'd gone logging down the bogger. And back on the clogger. So she is confronted with this heinous crime from an anus. Slime. Ooh, gross.

Yes, true. Anyway, so she frowned. Frowned at the brown. She frowned at the brown. She frowned down at the brown. We're Dr. Susan it up over here. Yeah, Dr. Boo. I almost said Dr. Pussing Dr. Susan and Up over here. Yeah, Dr. Poo.

I almost said Dr. Pussing it up, and that is different. Who's your favourite author? Dr. Puss. Anyway, so she looks at the big poo. She frowns. And then I turned to go into the next cubicle.

Does her thing. When I was at the sink washing my hands, another lady walked in, went to that first cubicle, and then quickly walked out with a similar frown. Yeah, a brown frown. And then headed to the second cubicle. Uh-oh. No, no, it's just happened. She's gone into the poo one and done the same thing.

Yeah, but we're not about to find out what Leanne did in her keep. Well, no, that's all fine. Because what happens is she sees the lady do exactly what she did. Okay. And she says, for some reason I heard myself saying, oh, I did that. While gesturing to the loo. Yes. That's my logger clogger.

You're frowned at my brown! Oh, did you like that big poo I've done? Like a fucking maniac. I did. My brain suddenly kicked in with my internal monologue saying, What did you just say? It sounds like you left the grate unflushed. How proud do you sound? And why say anything

anyway? Thankfully I was able to quickly correct myself and say, no, I didn't do that. I just meant I did the same as you. I sheepishly dried my hands and left. That's very good, yeah. That's a really good story, I like that. This led me to think

of a weirdest normal thing. Pooping at work. Weirdest normal thing. So it's normal but it's weird yeah um it's generally considered a no-no she says in the places she's worked even though it's completely natural uh one more thing i thought about the keep jacking it phrase and i realized it sounded like a bit like a cheery go yourself yeah yeah keep jacking it i'll keep jacking it. I'll keep jacking it. That's funny. Though that would be

a very high risk phrase. So not a suggestion for fellow pod buds. No. Oh, I think I've rambled enough now except to say I saw Pierre's fringe preview at the weekend

and it was hilarious. Well, well, well. Grab your fringe tickets, folks. Yes, please. Especially because Phil has now sold out his run, his extra run, and now he's doing a big show in the castle

for all the town to see. The King of Scotland himself has allowed me to enter the castle and I shall jest for one evening. But one evening alone. The King of Scotland of course being Kevin Bridges. Yes. She says, go fuck yourself. Cheers, Leanne. Wow. Wow.

Pretty strong stuff from Leanne at the end but really good email great poop story toy story poo I like that one a lot Thank you. Simon lifts the mood. Ah, Simone de Beauvoir. Hello, men of the Bud Pod.

My seven-year-old daughter was in a foul mood the other day, and I found myself saying, stop living a bum-bum life. To her. She asked me what it meant to which i realized i didn't actually know the correct definition so i explained it can mean a number of things yes but in this instance it relates to her being moody yes absolutely bang on simon you've nailed that consequently this morning i heard her say to her four-year-old sister stop living a bum bum

which made me a which made me proud and should make you proud also. We're ruining kids' brains like rock and roll. A short and not so interesting story but I felt the need to share. I disagree, Simon. Because once we have the children Bud Pod has the future. Keep jacking, bum bum life, slow poo.

Okay, thank you, Simon. A real flurry of catchphrases there. It'll be very popular with the kids because kids are all about bums and farts and wheezes and poos. Okay, thank you, Simon. A real flurry of catchphrases there. It'll be very popular with the kids, because kids are all about bums and farts and wheeze and poos. Absolutely. And in a way, aren't we all just big kids?

We're all just kids that never grew up. It's time to go back on brand, Phil. We've been sent a poo story. Okay, good, good, good. I was worrying, because I was like three minutes there where we weren't talking about poo. It's from Nathan. Nathan, Nathan, from our nation. The title of this email, Phil, is The Austrian Shart Story,

which spells out ass. I wonder if he meant to do that. Didn't Ian Fleming write that, The Austrian Shart Story? Yes, they've adapted it to a BBC drama now. Costume drama. Frequently changed costume because of all the sharting. Anyway. Hi, Philip here.

Firstly, let me say I'm loving the Bob Podden. Glad to say you are my number one dealer of high-grade poo and jacking related banter. Good. Always test your supply. There could begrade poo and jacking-related banter. Good. Always festive supply. There could be rat poo in there. Instead of human poo, which we like to talk about.

Could be tarpon poo there. The ten ass-crack commandments. By big, biggy poo in your smalls. Anyway. Smalls can be in underwear. I think. Anyway. I have a shameful story for you. A little bit of shame.

After listening to your last episode, whilst working outside in the stifling heat of London, Ugh, this has been horrible. I noticed my crack was getting progressively more and more sweaty. This feeling of a wet crack, of a wet crack, alongside listening to your general poo talk, brought up a suppressed memory of a time in Austria A wet crack, alongside listening to your general poo talk, brought up a suppressed memory of a time in Austria.

Oh, wow. This is like a John Le Carre novel. I was 22 and living slash working in the Austrian Alps with my girlfriend. Oh, very romantic. Listen to that. A bit more glue vine, sir. Yes, please. Don't mind

if I glue. We were having a great time feeling like top adults. Yes. Please. Don't mind if I glue. We were having a great time feeling like top adults. Yeah. Living in a foreign country. Well, literally top. Yes. And descending a little. And then top again. My parents came to visit for a week and during their stay I decided to show them how grown up and independent I was now by

guiding them around the local area and taking them for a meal at a traditional Austrian restaurant where I could show off my German speakingspeaking skills, or Deutsches Brechen-Skillen. The day we decided to go out for said meal was an unusually hot and sweaty crack kind of day. We was walking through a quaint Austrian town when I felt the natural feeling of a fart brewing. I thought, oh, here comes a fart. This is perfectly normal, which is what I feeling of a fart brewing. I thought, oh, here comes a fart. This is perfectly normal, which is what I think when I fart, Phil.

But, oh, I was wrong. This cruel combination of a cracked waterfall and an egg sandwich fart resulted in nothing less than a full-on shart. Oh, no. I'd heard of a shart before, but this was the first time I had one happening to me. You never think it'll happen to you?

People don't. No. And they don't buy insurance. I never thought of one happening to me, but it was the first time happening to me, so I was unsure how to style it out. I had to stop my tour of town and look my parents dead in the face and tell them,

I have just shit myself. No one knew how to react. No one knew how to react. I could sense the feeling of newly earned independence you have when you first move out as a 20-something slipping away from me, much like the shit in my ass had slipped away from me seconds before. This is quite nicely written. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of symbolism. I then proceeded to look helpless like a shit-covered baby. That's a funny insult. Just go up to someone in Edinburgh flowering for their plate. You look like a shit-covered baby. You look helpless, like a shit-covered baby.

Before returning to my parents' apartment to throw out my old underwear and replace them with my dad's oversized XL boxes. Wow. Sitting in a restaurant in your dad's bangy pants. I think he means baggy, but bangy pants is quite funny. After publicly shouting yourself results in a feeling of guilt, shame and embarrassment that I hope no one else ever has to feel. Only a select few people know this story, so I am glad to get this off my chest in a safe place.

Keep jacking it, Nathan. Well, now tens of people know this story, so I am glad to get this off my chest in a safe place. Keep jacking it, Nathan. Well, now tens of people know this story. At least eleven, including my mum, if she's remembered to listen. There, far behind my grave. It's a great story, Nathan. It's a dangerous fartling in and out, of course, because I've had a lunches. That's right. You don't want to get one of those guys.

That's right. Or you don't want to be mistaken for some sort of talented bum yodeler. Only heep. Only heep, of course. That's right. Or you don't want to be mistaken for some sort of talented bum yodeler. Yodeling hip! Yodeling hip, of course. Yodeling hip. Yes, do you think yodeling is an art form? It's very hard to do. Yeah, I think it's... I decided that art is anything created with the intention of eliciting an emotional response. Now, yodeling originally was a form of communication, so maybe it isn't art.

But it's become art. It has become art. Like a beautifully written letter. Hmm, interesting, interesting. The art of letter writing. Yodeling, here's a fun fact for you about me. If I need to be cheered up, I just watch any video of yodeling. Have you seen a little boy yodeling in the supermarket?

You bet your sweet patootie I have seen that. It's a lovely little clip. It got stuck in my friend Callum's head to the point where it was genuinely ruining his life. The tune? Yes. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. That whole thing. That whole thing. He would send...

I'm going to watch it after this. It's so addictive. But genuinely, I'll look up footage from the 80s of some weird little village in Bavaria and everyone's yodelling. I'll laugh like a drain. Have you seen the Japanese yodelling champion? Of course he's Japanese. No. He yodels with a bunch of chickens. No.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Podcast over, everyone. Genuinely, if I'm like... You know when you have the hangover blues? Yodeling videos. Yeah. I absolutely swear by them. Yodeling videos are, for me, hacker videos.

I will go on a hacker spiral and cry my eyes out. What are you talking about? You don't like a hacker? Oh, the New Zealand thing? Yeah. I thought you were being such a fucking nerd. You were talking about computer hackers. Oh, no. I was. Yeah. I thought you were being such a fucking nerd. You were talking about computer hackers. Oh, no.

I was like, cry, you fuck. Trinity from Matrix. Just crying. It's like people in leather fingerless gloves tapping away at a keyboard. Phil weeping like a baby. Oh, yeah. Hacker videos. They'll get you.

Yeah, like funeral hackers will get me. I see you're embracing the tears there, and I'm trying to dilute them with yodeling fun. Oh, I see, I see. No, I'm not. Let me be perfectly clear, Philip. I'm not weeping at the yodeling. I'm laughing like an absolute dream. All right.

I'm lying in bed feeling sick going at the cheerful faces of these yodeling old men. Well, we're going to watch the Japanese yodeling men now. We absolutely are. Yeah. But this has been very good. This is the first one men. Well, we're going to watch the Japanese yodeling men now. We absolutely are.

Yeah. But this has been very good. This is the first one. Listener, we're going to try and do loads of these, so we build up a bank of Edinburgh content for you to enjoy all the way through September because after giving you what will become over a full day of content,

me and Phil feel like we deserve a little sexy holiday in September, especially post-French. So these recordings may be quite gonzo. We're going to be like the Hunter S. Thompson of podcasting, Philip, in the sense that we will be unreliable, violent, and extremely addicted to drugs.

And every now and then misogynistic, and frankly a little disappointingly homophobic to our gay brother, Hunter. And Terry Gilliam will make a movie out of our exploits. Yeah. That's the only thing I know about Hunter Thompson. Yeah. That will be the good part.

Okay. Anyway. Anyway. Thank you very much for listening, everyone. Do rate us five stars on iTunes. It's an Uber rating. Yeah. We've got you there.

Uber rating. It's a poober baiting. But that's all from us. an uber rating yeah we've got you there uber rating it's a poober baiting um but uh that's all from us and goodbye from Scotland goodbye from Scotland

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