BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 230 - Beardless Boy!

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

The lads talk Disney deaths, Cuzco, Pierre's clean shaven face, "it's not about them", Rose's trio of toilet tales featuring spiders and Tim's coffin horse spam Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. It's Bud Pod 230. 230. Poo's dirty. Poo really is dirty that is what we've been

trying to teach everybody since we started we hope we've gotten through to some of you poo is dirty stay away I'm currently in shock because I'm looking at Pierre on a video call.

And he looks like Michael Cera because he's shaved his beard and mustache off. His mustaches and beard are gone. I was not expecting you to make the distinction there. Well, I took a sip of coffee between beard and mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moustaches, technically. Yeah, yeah, trousers. Both of them are gone.

Has anyone ever had a single moustache, technically, like just on the one side of the lip? Surely someone's given that a go. Someone's given it a go. Is the facial hair equivalent of the monocle? Yeah, the moustachical. the facial hair equivalent of the monocle yeah the mustachical i'd have a monocle in one eye and then a mustache on the opposite side of my lip yeah and you'd be a villain whose name was symmetry yes yes i like that and then there'd be a scene in the dark reimagining symmetry originally would

just be like a sort of silly 60s batman style villain a scene in the dark reimagining. Symmetry originally would just be like a sort of silly 60s Batman-style villain. And then in the dark reimagining, it would be like, oh, he only kills the left or right hand hostage, you know? Yeah, and he positions the corpses afterwards in a symmetrical pattern. Batman folds paper together and then apart again and it makes a clue ah yeah and then and then when symmetry the villain is like yes when i was a boy my father would slap me on one side of my face and then the other side of my face and ever since then i've always yeah and he or like a a lion ate one leg and a different lion ate the other leg and ever since i've been obsessed with the idea that yeah and and at some

point someone would be like whoa on a precipice above a big pit of acid or a cliff the edge of a skyscraper whatever and he'd be like life's about balance and he'd push them off yeah nice nice it writes itself it's very good we're we're proving that you don't need ai you just need two bored men riffing one one so bored he's shaved his head he shaved himself why have you done this, Pierre? You look 16. I am surprised that I still... I haven't done this to myself since the start of lockdown one. So that's what? Early 2020.

Yeah, that's a while ago. Yeah. So I would have been... You look like you're about to ask me if you can have some money to buy Age of Empires 2. I mean, I would like that. So the last time i did this i was 29 whoa and i'm that's wild yeah and i'm i'm farty too now you're farty poo and you've taken all your hairs i'm farty poo and i've de-haired my face. And I still look... I guess because my face skin

has been sealed away, hasn't it, this whole time? Yeah, protected from the elements. I'm just going to adjust the stand. Apologies for anyone who's driving. Effectively, the skin from the bottom of your nose down to the bottom of your chin

is like, what what 10 years younger symmetry symmetry the top half is old the bottom half is young yeah exactly um yeah so it's like just all fresh and shiny and and sensitive um so why why do you do why do men with beards do this as a man who has never been able to have a beard, I can't imagine why you'd want to get rid of it. Did you just get bored? Was it itchy? I used to do it once a year as a kind of refresh my skin kind of thing.

Right. Because who knows what's going on under there, you know? Yeah, you need to check in on it. Exactly. It's like an attic or a crawl space. You've in there maybe at christmas tires yeah see if there's any uh any mold um well so i used to do that as a matter of course excuse me of course of course once a year and i i fell out of the habit but phil and i'm not sure how specific i can be let's just say that i've done this to myself because i later today as we are recording this on tuesday the 5th of september

later today phil i will be traveling back in time time time time time time hmm right I will be being filmed for something not a big thing there's just a I will be basically an extra right like a just a little I'm not in something big this is not how I tease the fact that I'm in some

Apple show it's a small thing it's just a silly thing that I've managed to arrange with the help of a friend of mine um but very mysterious let's just say are you on tipping point as we all know tipping point is a no beard show Beard show. I love tipping points. Let's just say I'm playing someone who was doing a job in the middle of the 20th century that meant you couldn't have a beard.

Oh, what job in the middle of the 20th century meant you couldn't have a... Housewife. Exactly. I want to break free. No, i would have needed the mustache for that um for some freddie mercury hoovering i'm doing some historical filming let's say wow yeah comedy historical no action wow in a movie? In a TV show? A sort of movie-like television show. A movie-like television show? Let's just say it's a franchise that I'm not unlinked with, and I'll leave it at that. Oh.

You've not told me anything about this. I might have mentioned it in passing As a sort of funny thing that I was trying to arrange But um It has come to pass I wanna know Can you show me I wanna know about these strangers

Like me Were you a fan of Phil Collins Soundtrack for Disney's Tarzan The best soundtrack ever It's so good I wanna know Can you show me Phil Collins soundtrack for Disney's Tarzan. Best soundtrack ever. It's so good. I want to know. Can you show me? I always liked the drawing style of Tarzan's

knobbly limbs. Yeah, the kind of thin, muscly, strong He's got a thin He's got a thin arm, but he's got a bicep. That's it. And he's got knobbly knuckles. Big knobbly knuckles the hands from gripping and swinging yeah and and he's got that tan from being from being in the jungle all the time because he's a white guy in

it curse he's a honky he's a they call him the swinging cracker They call him The swinging cracker The jungle honky Yes Tarzan Wasn't it Emma Thompson? Emma Thompson was Jane wasn't she? No I think she was you know

Eh? Who played Jane? Actually Tarzan, no beard. How's he done that? Oh, I'm sorry, it was Mini Driver. Ignore what I said. Don't listen to me. How did Tarzan do no beard?

Did the apes just eat it off? Oh. Maybe he had... Maybe he had alopecia of the Bottom Face. Alopecia Bottom Face. One of the most controversial women of the 1800s. Yeah, she survived the Titanic, I think, Alopecia Bottom Face. I'm looking up Minnie Driver, because I think it's one of the funniest names.

It is is funny name this is mini driver my mini driver well if you're her parents why are you calling her mini driver her name is amelia fiona driver where's mini come from tell you what though jane and disney's tarzan she's got something she's got something going on. Oh, a sexy cartoon. Yeah, Disney were good at a sexy cartoon. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jane is fat, Phil.

Oh, yeah, Jane is fat. She was briefly engaged to Josh Brolin. Jane from Tarzan. Yeah, weird. How'd they even do that? That can't have been in the jungle that guy can get anyone he can get any girl he likes um tarzan i or even as a child watching it i sort of thought okay so jane the whole thing is like jane is very civilized and repressed and doesn't want to marry um let's face it gaston let's not give him a different character name.

Oh, yeah. It's Gaston. Yeah. His name is, like, Cruelty Lion Shooter. It's a sort of insanely, obviously evil guy in a pith helmet or whatever. Anyway, she doesn't like him. She's got a kind old dad dad just like in Aladdin as well

kind sort of bumbling father oh yes they love a kind bumbling father bumbly kind man his name is bumbly kind man and Phil even as a child Clayton that's what the villainous calls Clayton

even as a child I thought but Jane's like Tarzan's dick and balls is flopping around a lot. Oh yeah, under the loincloth. He's wearing a loincloth. First of all, why? Yeah. Why has he done that? Yeah, where did he learn shame in the jungle?

What was his Adam and Eve moment in the jungle on his own? Yeah, where he encountered the rare African shame lizard. And it bites you and you know what shame is. Or did a gorilla point at his human dick and balls and go, That doesn't look like a horrible piece of red string at all. Clayton's full name is William Cec cecil clayton whoa there you go yeah in case the symbolism was lost upon you he do do you remember how he dies at the end it's back in disney was fucking brutal oh give a fuck does the big gorilla tear him in half no he's chasing tazan and he gets wrapped up in the vines and he starts

chopping the vines free himself and tazan's like wait wait stop stop stop and he chops the wrong vines and one gets um one um tight In a Disney movie, he hangs himself. It's amazing, isn't it? That, like, it doesn't feel like that movie's from the era where you could still have hardcore deaths. Because the era we're in now. Yeah, it feels too recent. In the era we're in now, the only acceptable villain death is completely vague,

unfollowed up, falling down chasm. Falling down chasm or such an enormous explosion that you don't even imagine bits flying off. It's just complete incineration. Yeah, you have to presume. Cartoon deaths, basically. Yeah. Wow. But it didn't feel like at the time we would look back and go

ah these kids they got there no one's hanging themselves by accident at all in their movies and they show they often they don't show him like actually being hung but they show his shadow hanging i think some lightning strikes and you just see the shadow of this swinging body i just gotta i genuinely just got a flashback you're saying that i remember that ah now you're oh now you remember now the um now i i have such a my memory is bad except for disney villain deaths i i remember vividly how each animated disney villain died i remember that and it goes and doesn't it like the horrible shadow of the hanged man, like you see it passing across the face of the whimsical gorilla or someone. Something like that.

Someone stops and looks up. It does pass on the cover of Jane's face or something like this, cover her eyes. Yeah, they look up and they're like, oh. Do you remember the whimsical gorilla, the one who's got sort of gelled hair, even though he's a gorilla? Oh. And he's like come on go talk to her knucklehead you know he says things like that about Jane awful awful wasn't one of the gorillas Rosie O'Donnell

I don't know but this little the sassy gorilla the little guy was horrible scrappy-doo energy a horrible scrappy-do energy. Awful, awful scrappy-do vibes from him. Yeah, Turk. Turk was voiced by Rosie O'Donnell. Really? In Tarzan, yeah. The nice gorilla.

Yeah, the fun one. She's mad now, isn't she? Rosie O'Donnell? Yeah. Yeah, I think some of the Trump years kind of broke it in there Turk the gorilla is a pro-Trump no I don't think she's pro-Trump because Trump always made fun of her

but is it she's pro something odd I associate her with from at least a British point of view ideological inconsistency cancelled she got cancelled for something right that like oh

say what you see Philip oh here we are Rosie O'Donnell oh this is okay I wanna know would you blow me it's very hard because you still got cancelled it tells you about her show being cancelled

yeah but that is also a cancellation kind of because of her I think there should be a cancellation wiki like know your meme wiki cancel urban dictionary something we need wiki cancel because at this point, everyone's been cancelled for something.

So there needs to be somewhere you can search someone's name. And then it tells you what they were cancelled for, when, why, who started it. Yeah, because you do do that. You go, oh, Alopecia Smoothbottom. She was cancelled for... Oh, was it racially abusing a train staff?

And you look up and you go, no, no, no. She was bigoted, but not racially bigoted, towards an airplane steward. That's what it was. And then you go back to sleep. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. We need a wiki cancel.

We need a wiki cancel we need a wiki cancel and we need a decent archive of villain deaths to test your mind out oh of disney villain deaths yeah what was your favorite oh my favorite is the is the way i want to die which is how lu shang died in Mulan. Mushu, voiced by Eddie Murphy Murphy, fires and the cricket. They fire a big

firework into Liu Shang that picks him up, takes him up into the sky and blows him up. Oh yeah! In a big firework and that's how i want to go i want to gather all my friends and family around around like a platform in the middle of the desert yeah and i'm strapped to a big firework and um someone hands out like raincoats and and my next of kin um and i need to come up with a list of of who who has this responsibility lights the firework yeah and everyone watches and i go like goodbye everyone

goodbye it's been a good one see you folks and then maybe some and then people have umbrellas and they oh but so you're not you're not you're not even imagining there's enough to vaporize you no i'd i'd try and get something that would burn hot enough to vaporize most of me but i'm not being unrealistic they are going to be like little little bits there's a bit but hopefully most of me would there's bits of spine yeah yeah maybe maybe and like you can keep it if something falls on you that's that's yours to take home uh take take a bit me with you it's all cool is this on the um the program of your funeral the yeah yeah please help yourself tony the order of service today we celebrate the life and explosion of phil wang

and then at the bottom in quotes it says if something if something falls on you you can keep it people have been like as the as the as those are handed out people are nudging each other yeah fills debris with our compliments oh man what okay fair enough but key question what color explosion explosion oh um i think i think maybe a gold i mean maybe red for good luck in chinese culture i think either red or like gold what about uh they have those ones where it's like big primary explosion and then lots of little nodule explosions yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe I have one that's a primary explosion,

it's like my body, and a nodule explosion is on my limbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so primary explosion gold, little... Red? Or vice versa? Yeah, sounds fun.

Some combo like that. Mix it up. Okay, well, I'll make some calls. Are you going to quiz me on Disney villain deaths? Yeah, okay. I'll see if there's a list, because so surely, Philip, well i'll make some calls are you going to quiz me on disney villain deaths that's yeah okay i'll see if there's a list because so surely philip there is a list um i'll try and stick to our era i don't expect you to have been up to in fact you know what i'd be positively um surprised if you'd kept up to date and worried um, I would sort of be like,

you're okay, Phil. You've been really getting into a lot of the new stuff. I feel like villains at some point actually stopped dying. At some point they just became humiliated or had to become enthralled. They start making friends. They make friends at the end.

Yeah, stuff like that. Something that's been terrifying the make friends at the end. Yeah. Something that's been terrifying the whole film at the end. It's just like, you're right. I'm sorry. Okay, let's go classic. The Evil Queen from Snow White, I believe. Yeah, Snow White. I don't remember this at all.

I think this is a falling one. Is a falling one it's falling it's falling he's got it villain death whisperer um i think she falls doesn't she fall as the witch yes yes oh come on. I think so, yeah. Oh, I can't quite remember. It's raining. It's slippery. She slips. She slips on some rocky hill and she tumbles down and she dies. I'll give you that.

Falls off a cliff and is crushed by a boulder. Nice. But then secondarily, apparently eaten by the vultures who followed her. Oh! This was even more badass back in the day. This is Walt shit. This is Walt shit.

This is the kind of shit Walt would write. Walt was in the room. You can smell it. You can smell it. You can smell it. That's my new character. It's like a YouTuber, Disney YouTuber. Just going through scenes with their head superimposed in the corner.

Walt was in the room. You can smell it. Yeah, she fell off a cliff and some vultures ate her the vultures that followed her it says and that is what will happen to Britney Spears that is

that is exactly what's been arranged for her so that's good okay oh ranged for her so that's good uh okay uh oh there's a villain who i don't recognize called monstro it seems a bit on the nose oh gosh what's that from which film oh there's a bunch of kingdom hearts stuff on here fuck off we mean them oh no i tried to play kingdom hearts once i find it too boring i'm sorry i'm sorry i find it too it was boring too boring it's hard it's hard and boring it's quite

it's quite funny to read these deaths without having any context for these fucking here's this is this is what just made me laugh so it's a long list of the villains, right? And then to the, like, wiki blue links on the name. And then to the right of the name is a sentence that describes what happened to them. Okay, so it's a big long alphabetical list. This is ideal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, the dragonfly gets eaten by a fish.

That's one of them. Okay, whatever that's from. I just read Mr. Winky, right? I don't know who that is. Mr. Winky? Yeah, so it just goes, Mr. Winky, colon. So I was like, okay, A, who's Mr. Winky? B, let's find out what happened to Mr. Winky.

Mr. Winky, probably sent to prison along with the weasels. Probably. I beg your pardon? One would imagine. Well, we have to surmise, of course, the weasels. Probably. I beg your pardon? One would imagine. Well, we have to surmise, of course, the fate of Mr. Winky. It's funny because that's how a lot of history has to be said, right? Probably. Yeah.

Lathrelael was probably king during this. Mr. Winky probably went to prison with the other weasels now none of us are sure of the exact fate of Mr. Winky but popular myth would have us believe he was probably sent to prison along with the weasels and that's where people put their hand up and go is this the history tour

is this the is this the right tour the rat Is this the history tour? Is this the right tour? The rat from Lady and the Tramp. Oh, shit. Yeah. The big, horrible rat. Was he chased away and eaten by dogs? Kind of.

The rat threatens the baby. I don't remember a rat. There's a big rat at the end and it threatens the crib. Is it going to get in the crib and bite the baby? Jesus. Oh, yes. I think I remember this. I don't remember what happens to the rat

It's killed by Tramp The lady No the scrubly Oh no no that's the lady Wait in Lady and the Tramp is Lady the Lady Or is Tramp the Lady Lady's the Tramp I was thinking of the song that's why the lady is a Tramp

So I was like oh yeah the lady is a Tramp So the Tramp is a lady Sinatra really fucked us over there when it comes to comprehending the movie lady and the tramp there are two types of people in the world people who believe it's lady and the tramp people believe lady is the tramp okay so the so the tramp kills the ratubbly dog comes in and bites the rat's head off, basically. Goodness me. Jesus. Gather round, children.

Let's watch this. I just saw... Oh, this one is quite... This is excessive. Ursula. Ursula the Sea Witch. Oh, this is a good one. How does Ursula die?

It seems like a lot. Ursula. Gosh, I don't think I remember this you know Does it have to do with her eels? No no no It's quite elaborate Oh man Is she like

Does she get caught in a fisherman's net And they Chop her up into sashimi Or Does she Wow I don't think I remember Ursula's death You know It says

Impaled by the bow of a ship By Eric Oh yes In the thunderstorm That's sick That one's sick Ursula She gets really big

She gets really really big Yeah So she's And then the ship comes through Impales How did I forget that Impaled by a ship ship struck by lightning and then sinks with the ship jesus oh yeah they didn't they didn't fuck around back in the day hell they didn't fuck around none of this i've seen the error of my ways horse crap people died back in the day they died they really died oh god frollo you should know what

happens to frollo oh frollo yes well um it there's a big uh is it big riots on the street of paris and he he's they're fighting he he's trying to kill quasimodo up on the tower yeah and he slips and he falls and he grabs one of the gargoyles and the gargoyle comes alive and he goes, and the gargoyle breaks and Frollo falls down into the into the molten I think they have the bells melted

and there's a molten like bell he falls into, yeah cause of death, molten bell the brand of soap it's a classic case of molten bell yeah yeah yeah like if you look here on his uh the discoloring around the eye that's molten bell baby um yeah falls into a lake of molten copper poured into the street by quasimodo i don't know if quasimodo did that but whatever that's it that's it that that's a sick one it's really good because like the you're so wondering the whole the

hansbrugge notre dame is the best disney movie you're wondering the whole time are these goggles really alive is quasimodo just so maddened by his loneliness as he that he's imagined these live goggles because only he can see them alive yeah and then when Frollo is holding on to one of the real gargoyles, it suddenly comes alive. And he looks at it and he's terrified. And it breaks off to kill him. It's so good. It's giving me chills right now.

I love A Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's so great. Frollo sings a whole song about how he's really horny. He sings a whole song about how he's so horny he doesn't care that he's going to hell. He's worried about it. He's worried a bit. And then he goes,

you know what? No, I'm too horny for this. Well, the conclusion of his song is if she doesn't bang me, I'll kill her. And that's the end of the song. The whole song is like, what do I do about this gal

I really want to bang? He's making me conflicted because I'm a man of the cloth alright okay okay okay this is why I've decided if she doesn't bang me I'll kill her and that's the end of the song it's just horrific it's such a good movie jeez

okay so here's an example of the modern one Yzma the evil lady from uh emperor's new groove oh i'm presenting a groove underrated really funny movie i um i think it's the most underrated disney uh movie really really funny well cronk her assistant um do they does she become a cronk basically she becomes like assistant to uh she becomes cronk's assistant who works for yes kuzco but exactly yeah but she's also transformed into like a kitten or a rabbit or something yeah oh yeah by the same spell very funny movie really funny really good very fourth wall breaking it's it i think the humor holds up

there's always a worry with those kind of things it's um definitely it's a bit too self-referential but it's just self-referential enough i think i think it's really good see that but oh that's a modern one where it's like no they're kind of friends now moana yeah the thing is just goes back to being nice um maybe maybe empress new groove was the one that started it all at the age of the villain death it was too whimsical it was too whimsical scar gets eaten by his hyena friends jesus yeah yeah they turn on him and eat him so good do you think it's, do you think part of it is you can sell dolls of the villain

if they turn out good in the end? Maybe. It's also just, I don't know. Does, does thing, just, just over time, do we police what kids get exposed to more and more and more? And, but does that just end with like a kid's movie where

just nothing happens just spider-man and the green goblin play chess and high five yeah i'll get to that point and then it'll reset right i mean you've made this point on the podcast before that the victorians were more puritanical than the people who preceded them yeah and you know maybe a culture's gotten a bit victorian but we'll have another fucking 60s at some point. Yeah, someone will, some producer somewhere will just have the courage to release a Disney movie where it's like, wow, I can't believe that Bimples just gets his fucking eyes eaten by crows

and that's the happy ending. And that movie will make a billion trillion dollars and every studio will go, we're like the equivalent of them scrambling up a piece of paper that says guidelines and fucking basketballing it into a bin. And immediately start making horrifying animations. It's also weird because like,

official Disney movies for kids like nicer and nicer and nicer and at the same time kids are just more and more just playing like horrifying video games and watching that completely unfiltered youtube so you just go i don't think this is making any difference i think this is touching the sides that's it that's it maybe they see their role now as a you know counterbalance the the counterbalance to all that yeah that's but then is what's also interesting now is disney plus is a mostly adult service yeah i don't i don't get that you think they would have chosen a different name because disney plus to me says um streaming thing that you you sign up to because you've got seven kids and they need to

keep quiet yeah you're not expecting a disney plus to have uh a hard-hitting drama about the uh opioid crisis or whatever yeah okay kids okay. Okay, kids. Okay, calm down. We're going to put on something about the Sackler family, and you're all going to just chill out. Mummy, are the Sacklers evil? Yes, dear, but it was legal at the time, so it is complicated. Who here knows what a lobbyist is? Oh, man. Shall we do some correspondence?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Letters. Emails. Phone calls. Your sister. Five years. Letters.

Correspondence. Okay. We've got a message from Rose. Rose? Who knows? Who knows Rose? Who knows Rose? Who knows Rose?

Does anyone here know Rose? Does anyone here know Rose? Does anyone here know Rose? Oh man My back is wrecked Why? My mattress is too soft and I wake up in a bum divot Also Your back has to readjust for the lost weight

Of your beard It's probably like pulling backing back too much now. I'm basically walking around. Looking at the sky. Like a sort of howdy doody. Yeah you've had a beard reduction. Your back is still readjusting. And you know what.

That's fine. A lot of women are very angry. They say it's less hot. But that's their problem. It's not about them. So, Rose. It's such a funny way to, like, segue into reading something. It's not about them.

Anyway, so. Well, you know, it's not about them. So, all right. Rose's email. Oh, by the way, for the listeners, if you want to see my crazy hairless face, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Here's a bet, Phil. I will post something on Instagram because I've got a whole bunch of new followers from the fringe oh exciting i don't know if they i don't know if they know i even do a podcast so i'm gonna do i'll do some instagram posts about like oh listen to bud pod it's good and then um everyone listening go on my Instagram and if enough people what number? If a certain number of people comment underneath a photo, show us then I'll post it I'll post the horrible beardless

picture. How many people, Phil? Commenting, show us Well, before you I think four. Four? Four. I wanted you to say like a hundred. I just want you to post a picture.

Okay, split the difference, 50. Okay, 50. I guess I'm commenting 50 times under different names. I'll take it. Okay, I'll post that And then 50 people says show us Then I'll do it So anyway Rose rose rose

Dear Philippines and Pieru Pieru Nauru Yeah I was thinking it must be Nauru That's an island off Australia isn't it Well off is a strong word I think it's still thousands of miles away Right That's an island off Australia, isn't it? Well, off is a strong word. I think it's still thousands of miles away.

Right. Well, I guess everywhere's off of Australia, except Australia. Yeah. Yes. Rose says, three quick things I wanted to share. One! On holiday in Mallorca with my brother, his girlfriend, and their kids, I heard a kerfuffle after they'd all gone to bed.

I thought nothing of it. Until a couple of days later, my four-year-old nephew casually mentioned that his mummy had pooed on the floor. I like how casually he must have said it. Just waving his hand in the air. Mother pooed on the floor, by the way. Or just, um... Yes, I think the yellow blocks are my favourite blocks. Did I tell you mother pooed on the floor?

Anyway, where are those blocks again? Children have weird imaginations, so I asked my brother about it, and it turned out that yes, technically, the child was accurately sharing his mother's scatological indiscretions. So I thought I'd share the story of how it happened here. His girlfriend,

let's call her my sister-in-poo, happened here. His girlfriend, let's call her my sister in poo, had gone to use the toilet in their en suite, going about her business in the normal, natural way. Okay. Okay.

But then she spied a large spider on the floor. Oh. Oh, this is Mallorca, of course. Mallorca. This is an island spider. Mallorca's an island. Yes. Right? Yes. Yes. It's in the Balearics. And the spider would have... Hola!

The... Spider on the floor. And being arachnophobic and also on the toilet called for help. My brother gallantly went in to catch the beast but being somewhat nervous about Bugs himself once he picked it up he panicked and decided he had to flush it down the loo.

Oh, which he was on. Which he was on. As he brought the source of terror over to the toilet, Sister-in-Poo fled to the other bedroom where my nephew had been sleeping. Mid-poo. Yes.

It was only after my brother disposed of the innocent creature, there's a Disney villain death, flush down the bog, that he realized there was a whole fresh poo on the floor. Oh, no. In her terror, Sister In Poo had not even noticed that it had slipped out in her dash to safety. Oh!

Oh, my God. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, no, no, no no no no no. Whip. Whip. Whip. Whip. Like a lizard losing its tail.

A spider literally scared the shit out of her. Ah that's funny. This is funny. Second thing. Two! On the same trip, I saw some tat in one of those interiors shops

that sells scented candles and beaded lamps and so on. One of them was a wall hanging that simply stated, all in capital letters, I'm a happy person. Oh no. Isn't that amazing?

That's all it said? I'm a happy person. I'm a happy person. That's the most insane thing you could put up. If the main character in a movie saw that, the music would go, in someone's house.

That's like when Clarice is at Buffalo Bill's house that he's squatting in and notices the evil moth, the death's head moth. You look and see, I'm a happy person, and you just go, shit, this is the killer's house. Oh, no. And then they lock the door behind you. Yeah. And you can hear them sort of shuffling around going,

anyway, do you hope you like the way, what I've done with the place? You're like, oh, he knows I know. Rose continues. If I went to someone's house and saw that hanging up, I would poo on the floor in fear. Exactly. As surely only someone truly deranged would have this

final story it's the final story three yes my brother who really should listen to this podcast so he can share his own stories I'll tell him to do that after I finish typing this was giving my two year old nephew

a bath in a tub full of toys the other day when the little chap handed him a ball of Play-Doh. My brother took it and instinctively went to pop it in the toy box when he realized it was a whole shit. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. Play-Doh's not really a bath toy. No, but it must be in context.

Reasonable. My nephew had just handed him a shit. Here you go. Here you go. Here's something for you. Buy yourself something nice. Thanks so much for the podcast. I enjoy it and value it even more now that I live in Germany

where my access to toilet humor and topical comedy is limited by my poor language skills. Yes, and their sternness, no doubt. The Teutonic sternness. There's nothing surprising or amusing in the story of the shit on the floor. It makes perfect sense. The lady had a poo ready to go.

She doesn't like the spider. She gets up off the toilet. She runs from the spider. The poo comes out. It was coming out anyway. I don't know why you would even write in about this um i'm uh i want to say massive massive thanks to phil for his book i'm filipina chinese white so it really spoke wow yes oh great so filipina hyphen chinese slash white that's the punctuation yes that makes sense yeah i get that um it was funny touching and well written i read tons of comedians books and the only others that and Chinese slash white. That's the punctuation. Yes, that makes sense. I get that.

It was funny, touching, and well-written. I read tons of comedians' books, and the only others that compare were How Not to Be a Boy and Born a Crime. Trevor Noah's. Oh! Born a Crime is... Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah. How Not to Be a Boy is... Robert Webb. Robert Webb. I believe.

It is correct Any other suggestions welcome Thanks again Rose I don't know if we have Who else is there For books Yeah comedians books Well Fern

Fern Brady's book Of course Fern from this very podcast Yes and What is face Bob Mortimer This book is supposed to be great Learn from this very podcast. Yes, and What Is Face? Bob Mortimer. This book is supposed to be great. I've not read that. Is it good? I've not read it, but it's supposed to be really good.

It's supposed to be real funny. We got one quick email from Tim, and it's relating to the sort of mad fake advert placements. Oh, yes. On the internet, yeah. And sort of mad clickbaity rhetoric. The subject line is,

Pierre opened this email. What he reads next makes him buy a coffin. So, Tim says, Dear She-Wolf and Coffin Horse. What's Coffin Horse? I think it'll be in the link. Tim says, I recently came across this YouTube channel with some of the best clickbait ads of all time, enclosed for your elucidations. Are these the clickbait ads on YouTube that look like videos?

Okay. I'm particularly enjoying the strong focus on coffins. I'm not suggesting Phil should attempt to whisper these But good bloody luck if you decide to try All the best Tim So I'll read these out to you Oh no they are videos or are they not So um

Gosh okay So this is a picture of a sort of Slightly industrial looking passenger train Going through some woods And um Like a two carriage one like a sort of alaskan train oh yeah and it stopped through some snowy woods on a railway line and on the railway line is a sort of um is a sort of metal coffin a sort of steel coffin oh and surrounding the train and the coffin lying across the tracks are a bunch of bears with oh and surrounding the train and the coffin lying across the tracks

are a bunch of bears with their paws in the air like they heard they're saying hooray what and this is like realistic uh it's sort of real until you zoom in so from a thumbnail point of view it looks like a mad scenario but it doesn't right it doesn't look plausible if that's what you're asking. Right, okay. And the video is called He Threw His Enemy on the Rails But What the Bear Did Was Amazing. The bear?

The bear. Okay. What am I trying to whisper? Am I trying to guess? No, I don't think that's... Oh, yeah. I think this is insane so then the next one is a much more badly photoshopped uh image of a wolf with a rope

in its teeth and the rope is hanging from a helicopter that's flying so mad right and that video is the she-wolf fell from a helicopter, then a strange thing happened. That's lazy. Then a strange thing happened. All of these could finish with, then a strange thing happened. You've got to give us a little bit more. Who called the police? Who called the police? Who went pale?

You know? Yeah. Lazy. The next one. Oh, here we go. This explains it. It's a bunch of guys in a russian looking cemetery they're all dressed in a very slavic way and the crosses are sort of double

crosses like orthodox crosses and these guys are in like um waterproofs and they're sort of lugging a coffin into a into a hole themselves right And someone has very badly photoshopped a horse that is smaller than the men kind of rearing up and clopping its hoof on the coffin lid. And the caption is, The horse began to step on the coffin! Exclamation mark. Second sentence.

When the lid broke, heard dot dot dot everyone well of course everyone heard they're right there but i guess it's because like oh the title's too long everyone heard screaming oh what this seems to be a a through line a theme in these videos of horses being privy to some secret knowledge yeah and unable to communicate it verbally and having to like break into something or move someone or save someone but these videos think horses are like a special organism but it's never the horses are never privy to really simple stuff like oh there's a boy down that well. It's always something to do with the line between life and death and supernatural freaks of nature.

Yeah. The horse began to step on the coffin. It's also, the stories always have animals in. Always. People love animals. Well, now it's time to go to the private VIP horse funeral. Horse funeral? Yeah.

In the Patreon. Yes, you'll see the patrons at the private horse funeral. Once again, I am on tour. Starting next week. Basically. Starting in Aldershot on the 15th of september and going around um going around england until october and then i'm in australia november so go to my website see if i'm coming near you yeah you better by god you better i'm on tour soon as well. Look at my website. Look at my Instagram.

Go to the venue websites. If my website doesn't have a ticket link, I'm going to update it soon. And if you're in London, if you're in London, the 23rd of November, Leicester Square Theatre, that is the final time ever I will be performing last year's show.

The tour is last year's show. The show I've just done at the Fringe, that's going to be for next next year it's the last one guys get in there exactly alright much love see you soon

bye bye bye