BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 231 - Brown Sky At Dawn, Pilot's Scorn!

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

The lads discuss youth appeal, progozhin’s death, plane poo perpetrator, hunched old ladies, Eric emails regarding TCK and HKWCs and their horrors. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 2-3-1. 2-3-1. You be... you be dumb. You be dumb, baby. You be dumb not to listen to Bud Pod every week. Yes, that's right. I quite like the asymmetric appearance of 2-3-1. Oh, asymmetric appearance of 2-3-1? Oh, asymmetric. What sort of, what do I mean asymmetric? It's so close to 1-2-3 or 3-2-1. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's just 1-2-3, just not a bit

out of order. It's so nearly, it's so nearly right. It's so nearly our old friend 1-2-3. Or our slightly more stressful friend 3-2-1. Oh, much more stressful. 1-2 one two three that's um that's the number from our youth we we've known one two three the longest first sequence of numbers you ever learn in life one two three yeah one three two one

what's that your first sport today maybe first time you hear it yeah it's it's leading up to some sort of little explosion or or beginning whereas yeah one two three terrifying is all in pastel colors one two three is all about potential it's all about building it's all about things can only get better three two one that's something terrible yeah someone's about to pop a balloon uh pierre yesterday i was in st albans beautiful st albans uh having lunch with our friend emerald and at the table next to us we're in this beautiful garden a thai restaurant that has a back garden garden and you look look out on st albans cathedral lovely town st albans and and a man and his son got up and said hi and the man said uh i'm a big Piano Valley fan.

Did you say, no, I'm the other one? I said, yeah, no, that's not me. I said, you idiot. And I threw my drink on him. And his son, who is an adult man. Oh, I see. A nice adult man named Max. Shout out to Max. He's a pod bud.

Oh. So I had lunch next to a pod bud and his dad. Pod dad. Pod bud and pod dad. Oh, that's great. That was on Sunday. So wait, was the dad a fan of mine without being a pod bud? Yes.

He was a big fan of the Frank Skinner radio show. See, now those are the two generations. There's the Frank Skinner radio show. See, now those are the two generations. There's the Frank Skinner radio show generation and then the Bud Pod generation. There is a divide. It was your demographic pincer movement in action.

Yeah. Right? Frank Skinner from the upper ages. Bud Pod for the lower ages and you're pincing pincering your audience together from from either end yes that's right whether they're between 25 and 35 or between 35 and 50 you're herding them like sheep from either end into the middle yeah i wonder if i come by come by yeah exactly do you think either of us will ever have youth appeal or are we just uh appealing to people who are sort of 21 and up from now on frozen forever will i ever have youth

appeal i sometimes i meet very young fans like kids and their parents will come up and say little timmy loves you yeah or little timmy love you and taskmaster and i'm always i'm always surprised when when very young young kids like me i'm like we gotta remember we're we're meeting the fucking massive comedy nerds of their generation we're meeting ourselves in that moment i guess i guess i mean thank god for him because it means you know it means you've got an audience in 20 years time hopefully if those people make enough friends at uni or in sixth form when people start to like smart stuff and then recommend our stuff then maybe yeah that's our only hope is these dorky little obi-wans you're our only hope because i i remember i've always loved comedy and i remember the transition around gcses where

suddenly the guys in my year started to realize that comedy was good or funny and that there was loads of it and that i knew i was like the comedy version of someone who knows a lot of music i could recommend music right yeah yeah you're a comedy dj i was a comedy dj but up to that point i was just a fucking loser nerd who liked this weird thing too much right yeah i got into comedy really well and i always loved i really loved comedy shows as a kid and stuff. But stand-up, I just discovered stand-up on YouTube when I was 16. I just became obsessed with that specific form of comedy. And, of course, I've watched Simpsons every day for my entire life.

Yes. Recently watched a great couple episodes of Simpsons. You know, on Channel 4, is it, on Saturday morning or whatever, it's like five episodes of Simpsons back know on on channel four is it on saturday morning whatever it's like five episodes of simpsons back to back or something is it still yeah and there's two really good episodes and then one episode and pierre the quality of the illustration was really high oh no it was really crisp it was really modern drawings no and of course there were shadows there were shadows under the eyelids yeah there's so much detail and like and like deep rich colors uh well not deep rich colors but like crisp computerized colors and i thought oh no it's a really new episode and it was just weird

did it suck yeah it wasn't good it wasn't good. It wasn't good, man. They just act so weird in those new episodes. What flavor of bad was it? Just constants of non sequiturs and... Yeah. Sort of unfinished jokes and... A lot of, like, visual set pieces. In this episode, they just had to use up a lot of petrol

because they need to keep buying petrol on the chance they'd win something for buying 10 gallons of petrol and so there's a sequence of Homer driving around in the car and just like having the car up on concrete blocks and just riding out the engine just trying to spend petrol

and just all these different ideas on how to waste petrol and it all these different ideas on how to waste petrol and it wasn't it's like after the first year like i get it it's just like a big list trying to waste petrol yeah it was it was a listicle and it just didn't really work of course the golden rule of the simpsons is you want the yeah you want the quality of animation to be good, but not too good. You don't want that weird, ratty, Bart looks ill first couple of scenes. No, horror talks like this. There's a kind of horribleness to his voice. Upsetting, really upsetting.

No, you don't want that. But also you don't want fucking Disney Plus crisp Pixar level new animation. It's so funny that there's a type of animation where you can look at it and it looks great and you just go, oh, this is going to suck. It's going to suck. It looks nice. It's going to suck.

Are you saying that The Simpsons is like an Asian, an East Asian restaurant? Right. The more effort they've put into the aesthetic, the worse it's going to be i was in such a restaurant in chinatown last night i won't give its name away because it was fine but they sold buns mainly like steamed buns and stuff and beautiful aesthetic they had an old kind of like swoopy chinese wood thing with the backlit, you know, the race of nice backlit Chinese sign that they put in like a Chinese themed

speakeasy or whatever. And it's got a Chinese symbol right next to the English translation and sort of low key, uh, lowercase writing and all that kind of chic cool vibe. And each bun had a beautiful red pressing of the chinese character of what was in the bun so if it was pork it had a chinese character on top and beautiful and the food was kind of fine and the waiters were broadly not chinese oh no which is not in necessity but it there's it's rare you

go to a chinese restaurant and all the staff are not Chinese and it tastes amazing. It's a bad sign. It's like when you see a guy who's got a car that's like a red car, but one of the doors is white. It doesn't mean he's a bad driver, but... Yeah, you'll still get to the destination,

but it won't feel right. You'll be like, it just feels more likely that something's not going to be great it's funny isn't it it's a business goes like we're going to put so much effort into getting a kind of edible red stamp yes that we're gonna no we're gonna kind of phone it in with what we're actually stamping yeah yeah but i think they're just aware i guess value comes in pillars right and you've got aesthetic value and sort of food quality value and as long as one pillar is high enough you'll

guarantee a certain amount of custom i guess a restaurant where the value pillar of aesthetic is is at a hundred and all the others are at sort of zero is like one of those only for instagram like solid gold steak bullshit restaurants right yeah that would that would be a restaurant where they go people are still coming here to eat this like cold food bad food but it's because it looks amazing and it's got like celebrities and maybe it's somehow for money laundering at a high level. And it's got that aesthetic and the location where an influencer will do a sort of sweep on it

on their Instagram video and go like, this place in London serves tacos right over St. Paul's. Yeah, exactly. And like it's a beautiful view and then a single shot of taco and you have the taco

and it's like it's from Tesco. It's like doughy, yeah. But on the way in, a former heavyweight boxing champion greeted you. And you think this can't be kosher. This can't be right. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, is there a stand-up equivalent to all aesthetic, no quality? Oh, I mean, of course. Is that possible? You knew there was an answer as you asked the question. You knew there were many answers. I think it is harder.

I think comedy is about as meritocratic as an entertainment form, an entertainment industry can be it's very hard because the for the fundamental effect that is required to qualify can't be faked you can't fake laughing something you can't really fake finding something fun yeah you can't even even people who are very biased in favor of who's on stage can only fake laugh for so long yes yeah so i think it is pretty meritocratic but as as ever our old friend halo effect can can help you if someone's hot enough or charismatic enough or has the right stage present on the right amount of confidence, they can patch over some pretty ropey jokes.

Yes. I worry sometimes that I'm too well-dressed and sexy. Do you? And that I distract from my jokes. Because you can... And the people can't even hear it. They just hear a white noise. Because you can just see people in the front row rubbing their thighs together and squirming with lust.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. And I have to dress down like I'm in Prince and the Pauper or something, you know. And it's a shame, it's a shame, but you do what you must. and it's a shame it's a shame but you do you must i uh i think you have to i won't i won't say who but someone that we both know once got um at least for a period extremely muscly arms and he he had to cover his muscly arms on stage because it was too distracting not in a sexy way but because it made him seem like a kind of alpha male right oh yes yes yes it's hard it's hard to take self-deprecating humor from uh an absolute beef yeah from someone who looks like they get they're gonna like someone who looks like when they go to the beach and flex their biceps

women in bikinis just appear and start hanging off them like in an old post yeah yeah exactly exactly exactly yeah like whenever they turn up at the beach they're just in everyone's head it starts going just like kind of sexy 50s like surfer jock like yeah so this person that we know had to start wearing long sleeve things or hoodies um to seem less absolutely shredded and muscly and cool and sexy because the material was like oh what is it like a life and everyone's like well our lives are not like yours you're just uh presumably you just wonder about getting compliments and free money um actually i in st albans the the dad max's oh yeah i think i think i just shout out to max and his mysterious father he said i was he said i was um he said i

was looking quite buff oh but he took that away by saying not like when you're in taskmaster that was the wrong outfit for then wasn't it oh no and i was like oh you say did you say are you saying i've lost weight on my dick and balls i think he probably meant the tightness on the rest of my body during that time but it's funny because when i was in studio i feel like that was my slimmest ever i feel like that was me that was my slayer i I was slaying so hard in Taskmaster. Like, there's nothing so merciless as a skin-tight one-piece outfit. It's true. It's true.

But I am looking broad. The other day, Jamali Maddox said I had broad shoulders. Hey! It made my day. I think... Shout out to Jamali Maddox. Nicest man in the industry. Very nice man.

Always got a nice thing to say and always very zen always keeps yeah always keeps a watch on everyone's shoulders that's what i like about jamali he's always keeping track of people he's on shoulder watch 24 7 yeah i'm just flexing right now i can see but no no i can kind of see but you're too close to the camera for me to assess but you're a big, which is what people are always surprised by. Partially because maybe you don't... There's nothing to compare you with on stage. Partially because they slightly unfairly presume that because you're part East Asian, you're going to be short.

I mean, that's almost entirely it, I think. I think people always picture East Asian guys as smaller. Yeah, whereas you are 6'2"? I like to say 6'1", 6'2", after Pilates. But I'm sort of between those two. Yeah. A weird thing that annoys me, and it shouldn't annoy me, but it does annoy me.

I always say I'm 6'1", and people will go, no, you're 6'2". Because I'm always say I'm 6'1", and people will go, no, you're 6'2". Because I'm tall. I'm 6'2". I swear, I don't know why this happens all the time. You keep meeting... A tall girl will go, I'm 6'2". You're 6'2".

And I'm like, I'm not, man. I think I know my own height. I'm 6'1". And I think what it is, is they don't want to admit or accept that they are actually 6'1". Yeah, or they're not wearing shoes or something and they're going, no, no, no, no, no.

I have shoe height. I think I'm shrinking because of my shitty back. I think I'm becoming decrepit. Are you getting a hunch on? I think I'm getting a kind of weird hunch now, yeah. I think I'm going to become more curved over like Mr. Burns. Have you been losing inches? I don't know.

I feel more stooped. It happens, man. My grandfather was a very tall man on my mom's side, very tall man. And, you know, he really, the stoop can really take a lot. It can take feet off you by the end. Yeah. I saw a lady the other day coming out of the tube. And she was, she looked like the l tetris piece

whoa fully bent in half oh my god yeah i remember i once saw a lady walking across edgar road who was so old and sort of hunched that she was literally looking at the ground this is it that's what this lady she just walked out at the ground. This is it. That's what this lady was doing. And she just walked out into the road. And this is like an A road. It's Edgware Road. It's really busy. And it was that thing. I was walking past her.

I don't know if I told this story, but I was walking past her and my mind just noted, old lady bending over, walking past you. And then it took like two seconds for me to compute that she was walking in an odd direction

because I'd never seen anyone walk in that direction. I realized i'd never seen anyone walk in that direction because she was literally walking perpendicular to this very busy big with no crossing which you can't cross yeah you can't there's no crossing and like just as as i realized i turned around and a guy who came running out of the shop and like had to run in front of her and like with his hand stop cars because they were just they were just coming she was literally looking at the ground oh my god yeah no one almost took her out what would you have done if she got hit by a car and just immediately went crack and was like standing upright and that was what she needed doing cartwheels and bouncing up and down like willie wonka yeah she did a forwards roll and then sprang up

healthier than ever everyone like wow dropping the stuff and running into the road all these cars it's a miracle but everyone's like jumping up with this perfect yeah everyone just kind of this was the secret to good health all along letting ourselves get tapped a little bit just like a like a vaccine just a little bit. Just like a vaccine. Just a little bit of getting hit by a car. It's called chiropractors. Chiropracty. Is that what it's called?

Chiropracty? It's got to be called... Chiropraction? Chiropractors? Chiropractors? Is it real? Chiropractors. London's gone chiropractic chiropractors chiropractors is it real chiropractors london's gone chiropractor crazy is chiropractic real oh god i gotta look yeah it's gonna bug me as well chiropractic chiropractor chiropractic

I think it's chiropathy chiropathy chiropathy that doesn't sound right I don't like that at all no I hate this

maybe chirop I hate this maybe chiro therapy again is it real is it real I've had my car my car cracked I've had my back cracked a few times when I had really bad low back pain it helps for two hours and then it's bad again

I don't know how real it is man we don't know anything about the back we suck at medicine and we've been doing it for so long we still don't know so much about so many basic things like the back I just remember in

Two and a Half Men a sitcom that looking back is like a hellish and strange, a sort of mad fever dream that it even existed. The loser dad was a chiropractor. Ah, what a doy.

And they were constantly being like, oh, it's not real, it doesn't exist. Oh, really? That was like a joke that they would say to him to annoy his character, yeah. So, what can i say phil the the chilling sitcom two and a half men remove my faith in a chiropractic what can i say chiropractors hate this one weird sitcom doesn't it seem weird though looking back

that there could be a sitcom where it was just two in their own way quite sinister men and an unsettling boy and that was basically it that's a golden age of sitcoms man back when half men were half men yeah speaking of men i don't know how i mean this is a while back now but it's mad considering the tone of this podcast we've not brought up the pregoshin plane thing did we not no never it was so it's verging on slapstick the inevitability with which it happened where it's like yeah i couldn't believe it but at the same time it was so obvious that it had happened it's like wow he did it he finally did it it's kind of like when

something something big happens in a show like a big spectacle happens in a show and you you're like wow wow okay he actually did it but also you're like this doesn't surprise me in a story context yeah yeah yeah he finally got sick of that guy and executed him in game of thrones you go yeah it's like yeah exactly it's like the last it's like the battle episode of game of thrones you go all right okay so they actually did do it yeah but i we all knew this was coming yeah and you're only interested like oh how did he do it in the end yeah of the sort of four methods. Yeah. I can't believe the entire

Wagner High Command were just on a plane just chilling just having little fucking tiny Diet Cokes. It's such a bad idea to put them all on one plane. Yeah, do you mean

they got a discount or something? Like a really suspicious discount? Yeah. Wow, the sandwiches on this plane are only seven pounds. This is too good to be true. And then it blew up. Oh, man. Well, I mean, we sound very out of date bringing it up.

But I just felt like a real oversight from the war boys. From the war boys, that's true. A comedian Helen Bower. Well, look, Phil, the other bomb that went off in midair that we haven't discussed is that person who shat a plane back to the ground. Of course.

This is an even more Bud Pod story. A plane in America. Where was it flying from? Like Chicago to Paris or something? Was it like Atlanta to Paris or something? It was like Atlanta to Paris or something weird. That's right Atlanta to Paris What a flight. It had to turn around about two hours in because someone

someone had such bad diarrhea they had it across the whole plane throughout the plane they're shat all over the place and then you can hear the call to radio to air control is like we have a biohazard situation

I guess it is a biohazard imagine shitting a plane out of the sky the bum that brought down a plane anti-aircraft bum terror at 30,000 feet there was a semi-disclosure that it was a lady a twist in the tale

so I said to you I think I certainly said to some people at the time it's got to be someone in shorts or a lady because trousers would have would have trousers would not allow for this kind of 100 meter trail of shit or whatever

that's it you look at the trail and you go were they already undressed running to the toilet? Yeah, exactly. Were they already naked running through, through the plane going, let me through, let me through,

let me through. I think, yeah, exactly. So must've been much more easy access than, than trousers. It just looks, it just looked like an enormous...

One of those machines they use to paint highway lines had just been filled with shit and driven down the middle of a plane. Can you imagine... Like, how do you even cover your face for that flight back to the airport? How do you even... Do you just stay in the toilet do you

knock on the pilot's cabin and say can i come in can i sit with you guys yeah yeah i just be i just be well you mean if you were locked into a cabinet if you were the shitter yeah i'd be pulling out the door handles let me let me out like while we're still in the air. Let me out! Cross-check, whatever it is you have to do. I heard the announcement. What does it do? Unlock and cross-check. Whatever it is, let me out!

As you ran down the aisle shitting, you're trapped in here with me! What if you cobbled together a sort of chainmail balaclava from loads of the eye masks a chainmail balaclava okay so you tie up all the you just oh from the sleep yeah all the eye masks on the plane ah so like i say chainmail isn in like they'd be like layered right like down your face like lamela armor on a samurai. Like like roof tiles. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. A shame veil. Yes a shame veil made of sleeping masks. It would only take what for to sufficiently obscure your identity. What would you do? How would you? Is that how you'd handle it? You just sit there and just looking just perfectly still in your chair with a bunch of face masks?

I don't know. I mean, looking like the invisible man. Do you do you think think do you think if that person had just shat their seat the flight would have had to turn around i think maybe they'd have figured it out i think they'd have wiped it up and cleaned it up and try and just said don't let anyone know about i think they'd have moved a bunch of the people give you another diet coke yeah within the effect radius they would have bumped them up to first class and they could have like dealt with your chair i think they had to it's probably because they shat the plane down the entire corridor that it became a biohazard because now

now the the staff can't move up and down the corridor without treading in feces. Now you can't move the trolley. Now no one else can get up. Ah. Ah. Okay, yeah, now it makes sense, yeah. And it's all fucking aerated and it's recycled air so the whole plane is just like a poo tube now, a big tube of poo.

Ha ha ha. I mean, it's a fart tube at the worst of times. It's a fart tube at the best of times. Ha ha ha, yeah. Can you imagine a diarrhea tube in the sky with diamonds now there's a cover lucy in the sky of diarrhea ah of course um i don't know yeah i guess i would have endeavored to try and um

contain the the mass. Put your trouser legs in your socks. In your immediate area. Yeah, in my immediate area. Then I could have worn a sort of sleeping blanket sarong off the plane. Or at least use the vomit bag they give you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cack in the bag.

Just pop it under there. Just pop yourself over the vomit bag. the bag pop it under there you pop it pop it just pop yourself over the vomit bag that's what it's there for shit in your own bag before shitting in someone else's do you think that she got that out and went no it says it's labeled for vomit she really respects the rules what was wrong with her guts that it was that bad and explosive and that she didn't try and deal with it earlier this is the thing phil poo shame takes out more women than it saves right so do you think if she she had the lack of shame of a man she would have been calmer she

would have just slowly walked it over to the bathroom or plopped it into the vomit bag. I think she'd have exploded her ass earlier. Right. I think she would have walked up to the air steward at that point where you know where you start to develop cold beads of sweat on your upper lip. The telltale sign. Yeah, and you yeah and you go uh oh my lip is sweating it's time to shit myself

and I think a man would have been more socially happy especially in a country like America to just walk up to a steward and say I know the signs are still on but you need to let me in the fucking bathroom you need to let me in the fucking bathroom.

You need to do this now. Because they can do it, they just don't want to. I know the seatbelt sign is still on, but if anything, that's just squeezing the problem and making it worse. Yeah, exactly. Because it's not like, oh, someone shat in the toilet when the seatbelt sign was on. Now the pilot's had to kill himself. It's not like oh someone shat in the toilet when the seatbelt sign was on now the pilot said to kill himself it's not connected it's just a safety thing because there's no belt on the low um but you just have to say like look feel free to say no to me if you're expecting turbulence worse than a plane covered in shit

yeah these are your choices. Choose well. I think a big, horrible trucker of a man would have done that. Right. Right. Whereas a dainty lady.

A nice lady who doesn't, who doesn't want to admit that her torso is full of boiling turds. Doesn't want to admit that her torso is full of boiling turds. Doesn't want to admit that to anyone, never mind a

medium authority figure like an air steward. Well, Pierre, do you know who does want to admit boiling turds to us? The listeners. Our correspondents yeah let's do it

correspondence so how many planes have our loyal pod birds shat this week well how many have they taken out of the sky with their bums many planes have our loyal pod buds shat this week? How many have they taken out the sky with their bums? Email from Eric. Eric, spell

it out to us. Eric says, Dear Pill and Fier, that's a classic. Classic is a nice one uh sorry in advance for oh quickly listener rebecca pointed out that when we thought when someone said um was it philippines and pieru yeah they weren't going for now they're going for peru of course i don't know how we missed i think because philippines made us think of islands in the Pacific, right? In that area, exactly.

Obviously, Peru. We're growing, we're learning. We'll read. We'll read about Peru. Sorry to advance for a long email, but here are some highbrow and lowbrow topics I thought you'd be interested in. I'll start with a high.

I'm a long-term historian with a similar past to you guys. My whole is from the u.s but i grew up in indonesia and then mainly ecuador and now i live in hong kong international man of mystery eric um you dog eric says have you guys ever heard the term third culture kid it's someone who grew up yeah i've heard that yeah Yeah, all the time. My book is often spoken about as a book about the third culture kid experience. So you grew up outside your passport country or the country of your parents like us. It's pretty interesting how many unifying characteristics TCKs have with each other,

regardless of which countries they've lived in. I think that's true. Yes, for one, the American american accent which we weirdly all get yes a slight twang or americanization generally it's a wang twang you get a wang twang it's also distinct from someone who moved to a new country as an adult because moving as a child without agency has more of an impact on one's development also just cultural exposure yeah and it's also during a formative time so those things mold you those experiences mold you mold um so eric eric points us in the direction of the i don't know if you know this the famous amazon review of the five pound bag of sugar-free haribo gummy

bears no i don't know it's a very famous review about how much they made someone shit themselves what yeah oh it went viral at like 2015 i think 2016 this passed me by okay do you think to me this and the entire twilight series yeah man to me phil this is old news okay okay well but do you tell it to me with new eyes okay so do you think it's worth reading out this lady's review it is for me okay I'll do it apologies to

any pod buds who know the story well but I don't okay I think this is the one oh no this isn't even the one i thought of ah there's a second amazon haribo shoot yourself story well no there's loads because like the okay so the thing with these haribos is that they um they are sugar-free right yeah or low sugar and they're full of sweeteners which causes diarrhea oh and because they're haribo sweeteners which causes diarrhea.

And because they're Haribo, people are like, oh, there's no sugar in these, so I can just eat these Haribo by the fistful. And then they find out that that is not the case. In the worst way possible. Well, yeah, this is it. Nature finds a way to get rid of excess.

Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong thing. I'll put a link in the thing and people can read at their leisure because it is very long as well. And there's more to get through. But yes, it's a good source of toilet-related imagery if you want to festoon your mind with that

Eric says I would be remiss if I didn't bring up a poo story of my own sort of years ago I taught English here in Hong Kong at an after school tutorial center ah the center was located inside a shopping center classic

in a low income residential part of Hong Kong as such the shopping center was not in a low-income residential part of hong kong as such the shopping center was not of the highest quality okay hmm okay i'm with the tutorial center had no toilet of its own so we had to use the shopping center toilets which i guess are just general public toilets yeah and in in a hot asian country oh yeah it's not where you want to be a public i mean it's not you don't it's not really where you want to be anywhere but especially not in a hot Asian country, it's not where you want to be. Foggy. It's not really where you want to be anywhere, but especially not in a hot, humid Asian country. A humid public toilet is a terrible place.

It's like the biggest version of farting in the shower. Yeah. And the humidity in the air, those water particles, that's the infrastructure to hold the stench yes exactly the stench is it's like scaffolding yeah yeah the bum smell is riding the the sort of uh molecules yeah each one like like the end of dr strange love Doctor Strange love. Woo-hoo! Woo! Yeah! All of them just riding these stink, all the stink particles riding the H2Os. Woo! Like flicking their cowboy hats everywhere. Yeah, sailing right into your open nostril.

So we had to use the shopping center toilets. The toilets were in a perpetual state of disrepair with doors hanging off hinges, toilet seats seats missing sinks occasionally ripped off the wall and massive clogs that could only come from some kind of shitty gangbang considering the size of the pileup oh oh no you know when there becomes like sometimes you walk in and there's like an island of shit coming out of the water of the bowl. Peeking through like the landmass in the origin story of an ancient religion. Yeah, like a volcano erupted, and that's what we call the island today, is this new.

Yeah. But it doesn't stop there. Between my co-workers and I, we've seen some shit, pun intended. I was once forced to retreat before ever reaching the bathroom door due to the extensive... We've seen some what? Sorry, pun intended, I was once forced to retreat before ever reaching the bathroom door due to the extensive... We've seen some what? Sorry, pun intended? I missed the pun. We've seen some shit. Oh, yeah. Fair enough, yeah. I was once forced to

retreat before ever reaching the bathroom door due to the extensive shit trail on the hallway floor that had been smeared... Sounds like a certain airplane lady. Yes, maybe she was flying to Hong Kong afterwards. Her calling card. They call her the trailblazer.

It's not that we can't find her, it's that no one wants to follow the trail. It's very clever in a way uh due to the extensive shit trail on the hallway floor that had been smeared by a careless shopper's feet um is there anything more vile than like a shoe print and shit it's worse than a footprint i'd say yeah or is a footprint worse maybe footprint a footprint. No, a footprint's worse. But like how much poo would there have to be for you to discern human toes?

I don't think very much. I think you only need like a bit of the outline. You need an outline at the top though. I think it's mainly the ball or the foot that smushes the... I don't know if you've seen any of the sketches of Klimt and Schiele, but it turns out you need very little, actually,

before you start to make out a person's profile. So if they're a member of that school of art, then I think you only need a couple of ridges to figure out that it's a bare human foot in that picture. I don't like seeing it when there's a big trail of it, because that means that someone, like, maybe that, like, some, I don't't know some old person or some kid or whatever just like spoinked their way through a fucking trail of turds for 10 meters

before even realizing you know um so eric continues oh sorry bang the microphone there eric continues i once opened a stall door to find a dollop of shit the size of a Ferrero Rocher sitting on the edge of the toilet seat. Ah. Just there. Ambassador. Just placed delicately. Like a pillow mint. With our compliments, a little piece of paper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I once genuinely watched the infamous cleaner who would often clean the bathroom while smoking wow i mean that's one way to overcome the stench you're just literally burning the methane in front of your face oh it's like in war movies or some crime movies where when there's a rotten body they take a cigarette out and snap it in half and jam it in their nostrils oh really did it yeah i've seen that in a film yeah i thought oh that's that's clever that's interesting that's what this guy was doing um he would often clean the bathroom while smoking dip his mop into a toilet to wet it no no pierre no no oh my god asian toilets man oh what the hell why do we do this to ourselves asian toilets

except japanese how have they done it yeah it's true is it that there's well that's why they're well they have to go to war with everyone else they've always kind of been the odd ones out in that way i guess is it because there's no middle ground it's like either it's this or it's like a robot cleaning your bum with jets of water well it just goes to show you how much the rest of asia prized its freedom from the japanese empire they saw the toilets that they could inherit and they still went no no freedom is better it is better to stand with a dirty bum than to lie kneeling with pristine anus yeah that's that is the price of freedom you can't have a robot clean your bum um i'm not sure how this was achieved, but my mate Fergus once went to use a urinal

and sure enough, there was shit in it. In the urinal? I remember there was a shit in the urinal at my school in Malaysia. You said, yeah. In my primary school. Went in to do a wee. Big old dirt in the long urinal. just one of those long ones that's harder

that's harder than in the individual shell yeah like what do you perch on you you're gonna put your hand in some pee aren't you yeah like you you're gonna end up smushing your fucking dnbs up against the trough edge. Ugh. Oh, God. According to co-workers, the women's toilet was no better. I didn't really get details because telling was embarrassing enough for them. But used sanitary pads and tampons

were frequently found all over. I hear this a lot about women's toilets. What's going on there? They're actually not as pristine as men imagine. Well, yeah, we imagine a sort of um you know sort of water feature marbled oasis yeah yeah yeah whereas apparently it's like as bad as guys ones but someone's got a sanitary pad and fucking thwacked it against the wall of a cubicle you know it's a different it's a different set of of difficulties i guess same problems different

materials is it just something to do with shame or there being no bin and someone just looking around with their tampon going oh what do i do with this screw it i'll stick it to the ceiling like do they people just flip out i think they're making i think i think it has to be intentional if it's on the ceiling that's got to be intentional that's that's a a statement of intent intention that's a calling card i guess in our heads it makes less sense because the people we're imagining going in and doing this are like people with office jobs whereas in reality it's like these are the loos in a in a decrepit shopping mall in a bad neighborhood or a tougher neighborhood than than we're imagining i can't

get over the cleaner wetting his mop in the toilet that's that's disgusting oh man so eric says it turned out years later that the head of the language center had a key to some secret staff only toilets that none of us knew about so they could have been using staff the one percent this is the one percent anyway i could probably get together and with my old co-workers and write a book with all the tales of the Kai Tin shopping centre toilets I should point out that in Hong Kong public toilets are readily available everywhere you go

and usually in a perfectly acceptable state exceptional even anyway thanks so much for all the joy Bud Pot brings Koji Eric thank you Eric that is truly hellish it sounds like the toilet from train spotting yeah yeah except the guy climbing in is the cleaner to wash his to wash his cloths yeah what is the urge to mark your environment with your

bodily leavings uhings I'll never understand it's a kind of protest like we talked about dirty protests yeah it's literally dirty protests against your own lot and life your own society or maybe they just didn't enjoy their English lessons maybe just that yeah that's true

that's all the time we've got. Unless you're a Patreon, in which case we'll see you in the... The Chinese shopping mall. Exclusive... Right, yeah. Or the exclusive language class. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The exclusive English... Or the exclusive language class. Yeah, at 5pm Friday. Yeah. I am on tour this week yeah i am on tour this week i start on tour this week in aldershot on friday the 4th on friday the 15th and then aylesbury on 16th but then i'm going all over england after that until october so check out my website see if I'm going to a town near you I'm similarly on tour starting not this week but next week I believe

let me be sure about that if you are in London I'm still selling tickets like a dirty little freak for my Leicester Square Theatre show on the 23rd, which would be great if you could come. If you are outside of London,

I'm starting on tour on Thursday next week, Oxford, then Brighton, then Cambridge, then all sorts of things. And then just check my website or my Instagram for more. Thank you to all the pod buds as well who wrote, show me or show us underneath my picture on Instagram so that I had to put my bald face up.

It was very good of you. It was very funny. Oh, yeah. I'm going to think of some more stuff like that. Totally. Okay. Okay. Love you a lot, guys.

See you next time. Bye. Bye.