BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 232 - For The Love Of Objects!

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

The lads discuss the new cold, feeling love and guilt for objects, The Bin Born (Born For The Bin!), the writer's strike, check out No Context BudPod on Instagram! Email from Ellen regarding a paradise of Welsh tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 232. 232. Doop-de-doo. Doop-de-doo, doop-de-doo. That's nice. That's a nice little tune. That's what listening to a podcast really is at the end of the day. It's you going about your life and it's something for you to go doop-de-doo. Doop-de-doo, the boys are talking again.

Doop-de-doo. What do you think is the oddest thing someone's been doing while listening to this? Oh, burying a body. Yeah, I wonder statistically if any murderers listen to the Only Anti-Murder podcast. Probably, as like... Keep track of the ratings. It would probably be a thrill. Oh. Here I am, listening to the only anti-murder podcast

doing the exact thing the boys don't want me to well you can't control me the boy you think it's like opposition research oh okay yeah yeah yeah where it's like the murder lobby is like well we got to keep track of what the anti-murder groups are doing. I read a rumor once that there's always a couple of people sent to go join Republic from Clarence House or to report back. Join the Republic? Well, Republic, the campaign group for No Monarchy. Oh. So Prince Charlie, there will always be a few people reporting back on what the Republicans

are up to. The British Republicans not the same as the Americans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Keep an eye on them. Do they really think

they're enough of a threat? Well, why not keep an eye on them? I guess. What if they get a hold of some juicy intel? Hmm. Yeah, it's hard to hold of some juicy intel? Hmm. Yeah, it's hard to think of any juicy intel

about the royals that isn't full public knowledge at this point. How much juicier does it need to be? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. But, you know, what else are they going to do? Sit around in their puffy pants?

Poopy pants pooping all over the place. Autumn is here, Phil. Have you begun dreaming again? Yes, it's cold, Pierre. I was able to close all my bedroom windows last night. Oh. It was so good. Summer is over and people are sad.

That makes me happy. It makes me real glad cuz I hate the heat and I hate the light It's time to get nice and cold at night That's really nice I like it because I hate the heat and I hate the light. That's nice. I also like it because it's such a horrible sentiment. I hate the heat. I hate the heat and I hate the light.

I hate the light is really horrible. Yeah, it's the sort of thing like a moth or the devil would say. Yeah, or the murderer listening to this would say. Just as he's packing his boot full of hacksaws and duct tape and i hate the poop do hate the light just as he's like counting his his horrible murder tools or she or she very underrepresented in the murdering community actually and it's their own fault come on ladies who murder people girls

now Phil yeah I've been having weird dreams lately have you remind me are you a dreamer Yeah. I've been having weird dreams lately. Have you? Oh, yeah. Remind me, are you a dreamer? I think so. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but there... Actually, recently I haven't been dreaming that much. A decline? I had a horrible... In lockdown it was horrible because I think your life was so inactive that my dreams went into overdrive and I was just dreaming about really mundane things. Just like, what if you put that thing in on actually put it in that part of the room? Yeah.

I mean, go, where did I put that thing in the room? It's never, it's never fun. It was just like really like not being able to remember my password or i get these i get frustration dreams they're not exactly anxiety dreams i think we've mentioned this before i get frustration dreams where i'm i need to get somewhere and the google maps just won't load or i need to catch a connecting flight

but i can't find the way through the airport oh yeah the flight the flight never leaves but it's always about just about to leave. I think that's such a comedian thing to get, like travel anxiety dreams, because we're responsible for so much of our own travel and getting to our job. Yeah. I've often had it where it's a big board of train departures, but you're having to constantly change, and there's a new stop, and the train gets cancelled, and yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I get that. I get that. Lately, I've been having very detailed dreams about specific objects that i own ah like my shorts or like a beard trimmer or like a spatula okay what the fuck is that about and are they like alive there's a spatula dancing around like a pixar character it is the dullest like i dreamt that my i've got these like cloth like they're not like sports shorts they're like chino shorts cloth cloth philip and um cloth do you hear me boy and um i just dreamt that i somehow got like yellow mud on them oh you know like that weird clay yeah yeah that's sticky clay yeah just that that's the whole dream that's a pretty that's a pretty cool dream just looking at them and going

oh how did this happen but like for getting out and about in your dreams. At least you're getting some exercise. Yeah, but I don't remember the exercise. But clearly I, Lara crofted my way through some sort of fabulous journey. But these are actual boots. These are, they're not made up new dream boots.

They're the actual boots you have. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Sorry, shorts, shorts, shorts. If if there were boots at least i'd go oh yeah yeah no these are the actual ones i own this is the thing it's not fictional like the spatula is the red spatula that's in the drawer right now or it better be um it's so boring and i wake up like bored like i'm waking up bored do you have an emotional tie to your things because i was

reading i've been reading a fern brady's great book about autism oh yeah and she talks she's she she talks about you know being young and watching documentaries about women particularly autistic women who form close emotional relationships with trees or a roller coaster, like these inanimate objects. Yeah, they fall in love with the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, and Fern remembers not feeling that that was that weird. And she says that...

Does she say it's an autistic trait to have a connection to things? I think it can be. And I think she makes the point in the book that the annoying thing is that the documentaries are very much like the sort of noughties documentaries. Where it's like footage of the person walking down the street and the music's like... Like, look at this weirdo yeah those channel five look at these fucking freaks yeah yeah yeah britain's longest family or whatever yeah just put together by some nathan barley cunts working out of east london but but it reminded me of when i moved into my

new place and i was very, I wasn't very happy. I was quite depressed and I felt very alone and anxious until I unpacked my kitchen appliances. Oh, I remember you saying the gang's all here. And I took the kettle out and the toaster and the coffee maker was like, the gang's back together. And I felt so much better. I felt so less alone. I felt like i was with friends and i i said this on adam buxton's podcast expecting some sympathy and he just laughed

at me he said that he thought i was really weird yeah especially it's especially because like you think if anyone's gonna give me sympathy with this thing i'm chucking out here it's gonna be buckles yeah because he's got all his gadgets and things yeah but clearly it's just mechanical for him that's interesting but i find it strange not not to form some kind of emotional connection to to an appliance or an object that you um that you use every day that you come to every day in the morning and that nourishes you i don't know i find the race i i i think i do i sometimes get anxiety about leaving objects on their own because i'm i'm like i was almost thinking they're going to be lonely i was thinking like imagine if i was just left alone i used i used to get

that all the time as a kid really yeah with certain things i'd be like but that's not fair yeah it's not fair on the object yeah i get anxious about leaving things on because it feels like i'm leaving them alone and um and conscious like awake like a robot trapped in space yeah like in uh like in that aliens film where they've just left the android on this planet and he's gone mad yeah like um what's the pixar one where's the wally wally yeah right yeah so yeah and i really personify things i think yeah i did that a lot as a kid i remember feeling sad as a kid if i yeah if you don't have the toys sort of together with each other kind of

thing definitely i have to do that i have to do the merry condo thing of saying goodbye to something when i throw it away i have to say thank you really yeah i have to say thank you to something thank you thank you for your service yeah yeah i yeah i've i've just replaced my wallet and the wallet i've had is this tattered old leather thing but i've had it for more than 10 years now and and i can't i can't throw it away because it's because we've been together for so long you know i mean and it feels i feel it feels traitor treacherous to just throw something away after it's been with you that long. Did you have pets growing up?

Yeah, but we didn't... Yeah, we did, yeah. Not very close to the pets. A couple of cats we liked. I think it's easier if you had pets growing up where it's like, you know, your hamster passes away and that gives you maybe more of a synaptic root forms in your mind for like the wallet to be like well time to go old friend

yeah time for the hamster to go in presumably the bin yeah if not the shoebox in the garden then probably just the bin yeah i need to let this wallet go but we've been through so much we've been so so many places we've been all we've been all around the world yeah into more places with this wallet than any girlfriend any partner any friend any relative i you know this wallet has been with me more than anyone i think that this would be i'm just gonna throw it in the bin this would be this would be such a perfect series of sentences to be redubbed by the guy who does the voice for mr crabs why this wallet's been with me all the way. I should frame it. Yeah, it's the kind of thing that he'd frame, like his first wallet.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Like a sort of insane businessman in his like a succession style skyscraper office that's just got this tattered old wallet on the wall. And there's a scene where the really like upstarty, slightly like ignorant, but very talented new young guys then he's like what's oh what's this what's all there was this old tatty thing and then you're there with like silver hair

like with your hands clasped behind your back looking over new york and you say oh that's just just an old wallet that was an old friend something i couldn't let go what um is there never been an object that you've just thought can maybe you could could you reframe it as you have failed me well i mean like i finished a tube of moisturizer and i was throwing that away and i was my instinct was say good thank you to that and i went no i need to draw the line like containers of paste just some paste yes that's a good question actually what defines an object that that is worthy of the level because a tube of paste is too simplistic whereas a wallet it's leather it's stitched it's got little flaps and pockets yeah i think it's more to do with like the amount of time we've spent together

um i think something that is intended for a single use i would never say goodbye to i'd never say thank you for as you put it in the bin you say you knew what this was you knew this day would come yeah it's what you were made for you were born for the bin and you just spike it into the fucking bin born for the bin that's me a great tattoo we are born that's like if i was a leader of like a cult of post-apocalyptic sort of inner city raiders yeah yeah like that that old batman has to defeat like batman in the 70s yes yes yes yes post one of our like underground raves i get up and everyone's and i and I'm like, brothers and sisters, we were born for the bin. And they all go,

and you see that as they cheer, people have got born for the bin tattooed on their fucking lips and on their eyelids. And they're wearing leather things, like leather straps all over their head. You're like, what do the straps even do? There's all leather and spikes and stuff.

We're born for the bin. They've also got two little yellow loops of leather off their shoulders like bin bags. Ah, yes. So they can be lifted up. And one gets selected by a sort of claw-picking mechanism.

They've come to worship as a god. Yes. Who is for the bin tonight? And everyone's everyone's like yeah they hope it's them even though it means they're dead they're like ah and then this claw comes and then grabs picks one and grabs them by the handles on their shoulder yeah yeah to the bin brother and this like

the one who's been picked is like yes yes yes and he's like drops him into it as you watch it happen to him the bit that would be freaky is that he's like crying with happiness. Yes, yeah, exactly. And everyone else is so jealous and cheering and stuff. And like his mother's like crying with pride and like his children. Yeah. This is great.

His children are so happy. I'd love to watch this later. His children are crying because they don't understand it yet. But the mum is like That's your father It's good You shall receive extra oats this day For papa has gone to the pin

One day you'll be proud of today That kind of thing Yeah I love that shit man i love i love a post-apocalyptic thing where a weird thing has become a religion oh it's so good it's always so good i love it i mean yeah the peak is the peak is uh fury road yeah lovely day yeah i'm just worshiping petrol and petrol Oh, so good, I love it Shiny and chrome

Oh, it's so good It's the best Yeah, and as Batman is helping someone And they duck down behind a bin And he says, what is it? And they say, binborn The binborn

The what? I'll explain later, explain later we gotta get out of here yeah and they'd have all rust rustly bin bag clothes because they're the only things that haven't decayed ah yeah yes that's good stuff it's great this stuff you know if we lived in america we'd be given Diet Coke and drugs and just left in a room. And Hollywood studios would just harvest this stuff. Just caffeine.

Not right now, of course, Pierre, because we stand with the strikes. Yeah, sorry. None of that was writing. We stand with SAG. This is all riffing, baby. No prep. Let us know when there's a riff strike on even as people

who have who are not writing a show in america and live in the uk we we stand with yeah we arbitrarily stand with a strike that has nothing to do with us all right we also stand with a strike of cambodian railway workers. Or whatever else. Although, to be fair, Phil, because we're so completely culturally entwined and colonized, loads of projects that we know about that are going to be like UK projects as well are also stuck because they had like two American staff members.

Or they're co-productions or something. Or they're co-pros. For the listener, the UK has no money for anything, so we have to let the Americans pay for things so they can put them on Hulu and not watch them. The Hollywood strike is a bit like the lockdown in that part of me is like, oh, thank God, a chance to catch up on stuff.

Yeah, true. I think, okay, maybe this should be a spicy take for the bonus pod, but I'm going to let everyone have a treat. This is my spicy take. Main pod spice. Open your mouths, everyone. There's some spicy prawn coming.

All TV and movies should go on strike for six months every two years. Yeah. Just so everyone can catch up. Or maybe just stop for a year. It's too much at this point I need to I need time to watch this they

they go on strike and they just see what they can get that's different from the previous deal and in that time the public catch up

and hopefully get bored people aren't bored enough so that there's an appetite for new stuff yeah

and so they're actually enthusiastic about stuff instead of just like, more! Like these kind of media-hungry goblins. Yeah. Oh man, I would love some sort of social media strike. Oh, that'd be fantastic!

Can you imagine? We're not going to post on Instagram until everyone on instagram gets a tiny reflective percentage of the instagram money because we are working for instagram we are creating all every time i post a reel on instagram i'm like uh you're welcome i guess instagram it's about free content you implied you wanted without ever explicitly saying so but yeah definitely how you exist i um i do kind of think that like i remember back when you and i were young new hot hot new young comedians uh and this is like 2014 maybe back when you could get a lot of you

i'm still a rising star up here i'm still a hotly tipped rising star. Oh. I still remember your routine. Boiling hot tips. So hot. Hotly tipped. Hotly tipped. Man, I don't miss those days of having to pretend you were hotly tipped

or that you were highly... What was the other bit you're highly anticipated one to watch a bit about that who's anticipating who sat there just anticipating oh here it comes he's gonna do it yeah i'm a hotly tipped rising star pierre still still i am well back when we were hotly tipped rising stars with anticipated dawning routines you could get quite a good amount of traction by writing jokes on twitter and even back then when it was just writing

stupid one liners about nothing I still just thought well fucking pay why am I working for free I hate working for free I know and it's the main reason that my career is so in the bin it could be so much less in the bin, Phil, if I could just work for free all the time on social media,

constantly making little videos, and I can't do it. Yeah, I guess it's a different economy. You work for free at point of use, as it were, to use an NHS analogy. And you make the money later on because people ask you to be in things maybe. I hate that. I hate the idea of someone referring to social media as free at the point of use.

But it is. I know, but it's so gross. It's like we need it medically. Horrible. Ugh. Oh man. That would be good. I'd like a strike like that it's weird that you can't

are there any like British movie writers who just are like well fuck it I'll do it American writers make so much more money than we do are there no British writers just going like I've got a movie idea I'll be a scab not that I'm recommending it, but... Right, right.

Why doesn't that happen? It's the same language, it's off in the same market. Good idea, Pierre. Good idea. Make a little phone call. Good idea. Do you know people on strike? You've been to the States a lot

Yeah, yeah, yeah All my American comedy friends And acquaintances Are on strike of course They seem to I think all you can do now Is do live shows So everyone's just doing loads of improv shows

And stand-up shows And someone and friends doing stand-up at the old hickory plant in downtown in supremo county oh i don't know supremo county is great i'd love to live in supremo Great. I'd love to live in Supremo. You live in Supremo now? Yeah, he's moved out to Supremo, so we don't hang out much anymore.

Hmm. Hmm. What, um... Hmm, hmm, hmm. Well, what... I don't know if I was in America in those clubs. I would like that. I think I would be... Some of us, Phil, were doing podcasts before the global pandemic,

and then a few other people, like Rob Brydon, got paid by some production company out of boredom to make their own. And you know what? It's not for you. Not for you. Stay away. Not fair. I think if you can host

would I lie to you you don't need a podcast where you interview Will Ferrell however charmingly you may do it that's impressive did you Rob Brydon interview Will Ferrell

yeah on his podcast because Will Ferrell was you'll never guess what also stuck at home yeah that's an amazing thing you realise these people are successful and famous

because they just have to keep doing it even though they're multi-millionaires and the world is locked down they're like I still need people to hear me and hear me talk and know what I think they must know do you have that terrible deep hunger in you Philip?

not anymore no when I started, yes. Now I'm like, everyone leave me alone. And lock my door and play Nintendo Switch. It's so funny to me, that transformation. The transformation is funny inherently from a hotly tipped rising star. And then going ah okay shut up get out of here

party's over it's basically i'm at the point of my career where in batman begins bruce wayne goes all right everyone get get out. And he's had the party. Oh, yeah. And he's like, I'm not kidding. Get out. You're money-grubbing, lying, smiling through your fake teeth. And people are like, I'm not joking. Get out. And then people realize.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He actually wants him to leave. That's you. That's me. I'm Bruce Wayne at that point. That's you to your own laughing crowd. All right, get out. Speaking of my laughing crowd,

I've done a sudden tour. Aldershot, Aylesbury, I started. Working my way alphabetically through the towns of England. Yeah, how was it? Great, man. Really good people. Fun times. And I'm up north this week.

Warrington, York. Buxton. Buxton. Fresh water. Spa town. Delicious water. So if you're around there, come. Come see my show.

Come see my comedy laughter show. My tour starts, as you're listening to this tomorrow thursday the 21st exciting i'm off to let's have a look i'm pretty sure thursday yeah thursday is oxford oxford university uh yeah oxford glee and then friday is bright Wait, so is this your first tour? My first ever tour. This is your first ever tour. Today is your last day as a tour free man. Yeah. My last day being hotly tipped.

Yeah. Highly anticipated. The tip is hot and it's been sunk into... What are these tips meant to be for? You think it's like a sword, like the hot tip is plunged into an ice bucket and it tsssss.

Oh, right, I guess hotly tipped means like, here's a good tip. Yeah. As opposed to the bell end. Yeah, yeah. A sort of boiling hot cherry red. Well, regardless, yeah, your foreskin is white hot hot were you thinking of it as the foreskin i was thinking of very much the helmet oh the helmet okay yeah your helmet is white hot

the the the air above white heart sort of bell. And then it's like revealed, you know, like Gandalf's fucking staff starting to glow white. Like that. Yes, exactly. So it's Thursday, Oxford. Friday, Brighton. Saturday, Cambridge. And then next week it continues

Birmingham Birmingham, double Birmingham double Bristol on Saturday Exeter, it's all kicking off and if you're in London, the last chance you have in God's green earth to get this show it's my old show

never doing it again it's the 23rd at Leicester Square Theatre. That's the last one. I'm like Ringo Starr. If anyone tries to come see the show after this, it will be tossed. Peace and love. I am warning you with peace and love to

come see this show. There'll be no more doing the show after this. 23rd. Pierre's going to pick up this show in his hands and he's going to say thank you and he's going to throw it in the bin. I'm going to take the show and put it with all the other shows

so it's not lonely. In a little room. Yeah, exactly. So come see us on tour. Is there anything else, Philippou? Is there anything else? We could do some correspondence. Yes, but no plugs. No more plugs for you. No, those are all the plugs for me for now.

But there will be more plugs. I'm full of plugs. I'm plugged up with plugs. Oh, on Instagram, some fine, fine person is doing a no context bud pod oh yes of course i don't we don't know who it is but they're very it is but it's very high quality no content and it's a very high quality no context account yeah and this person is taking up taking out quotes from episodes about pod and putting like perfect images behind them. And they take submissions. So if you have any no context Budpod things make you laugh, whatever it is, tell them and they'll sort of Photoshop it onto a beautiful and highly relevant image. Yeah.

So follow no context Budpod on Instagram. Follow it on Instagram. And you know what? Follow all of us on Instagram. God it on Instagram and you know what? Follow all of us on Instagram. God bless us, everyone. Everyone. Alright, let's do some correspondence. Ding, ding,

ding. Letters, emails, phone calls, your sister, keep it five. Letters, correspondence. Ding, Correspondence. We got a message from Ellen. Ellen.

Ellen. Ellen, it is heaven to hear from you. Hello, PNP. Hello. Partial as I am to discovering things several years after the cool people have, I have just started listening to the pod. Yep. Coolest people around listen to this pod.

Only the coolest, hippiest, hippest, hipter, hipters listen to this pod. HectorHipters, listen to this pod. Only the most toilet-humory, semi-to-fully-autistic, anti-murder-pro-nuclear cool people. Listen to this pod. The finest people around. Yeah. I am up to episode 100, and I'd rather not think about the speed with which I have achieved this shameful centenary. This shameful centenary is a great title or something. I thought exactly the same thing.

This shameful centenary. It sounds like a best-selling history book or economics book or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's covered in the FT and the LRB. Have you heard? It's called The Shameful Centenary. It's the 100-year anniversary of blah, blah It's a new, it's called the shameful centenary. It's the hundred year anniversary of.

Yeah. Pretty good. Shameful centenary. If you're listening, you can have it. Just credit the podcast in your little intro. I have some tat for you. The likelihood is now that you've moved on from such matters,

but here we are. Wrong go. You would have thought so. I didn't even realize we did start a tat as early as 100. But I guess we were. I think we... Have you ever heard the phrase the long 20th century or the long 7th century or the...

No, I only know the phrase the shameful centenary. Yes, yes. So the historians use it when there's a particular period that is sort of only 100 years or close to it, but it's sort of emblematic of enormous patterns. patterns like if a historical pattern or social change actually covers like 1788 to 1914 they call that a long century yeah or like if just loads of stuff happened in a particular century they might call it the long 18th century oh right right right yeah sure because there's so much stuff happened in there that you kind of can't believe that that much happened in it but often that the period is also like a couple of years more either side. It feels like centuries have gotten longer and longer.

Yeah. In that sense. Definitely. Way more stuff happens all the time. I think we have that with the first 50 episodes of Budpod up until the pandemic. Up until 53. Gosh, it's mad. I didn't realize the pandemic was early on in Bud Pod's life.

That's how early on it was. It's a year, I guess. Isn't that insane? Yeah. Yeah, wow. So it's hard to remember these things. So, Ellen continues, if you open your BBC iPlayer,

search for Wales' Home of the Year. Okay. As in Wales the country, not like where humpback whales like to... We're just, it's the Atlantic again. Tune in next time for Wales' Home of the Year. Yeah, Wales the country. Select episode five

and skip to 13 minutes and nine seconds in, and you will be rewarded handsomely for your efforts. The charming home, this charming home, in question, is an absolute assault of tat, albeit artistically arranged. Pausing and zooming in reveals the following gems. Oh, great. Okay, so let's see if you can whisper these. Okay.

Excuse me. I'm going to say them in a Welsh accent because it's Wales Home of the Year. Yeah, go for it. Also, thank you, whoever... I can't find you right now, but someone on Instagram from ages ago, from maybe during the fringe pods, messaged me saying that my enunciation of Gwynedd was perfect.

Oh, wow, look at that. And I'd just like to say shemai to all the Welsh people listening and apologies for this voice I'm about to do. So let's see if you can whisper these Welsh tats. Wine improves with age. I blank with blank. I improve with wine.

Oh, yeah. He's only gone and guessed it. Maybe for this one, instead of the didgeridoo, it should be a Welsh male voice choir. Yeah, yeah. Bread of heaven. Yeah, yeah. Bread of heaven. Land of our

men of Harlech. It's not a hangover. It's blank blank. It's not a hangover. I'm telling you it's not a hangover. I'm telling you it's not a hangover. It's blank, blank. It's thinking time.

That's a nice euphemism for it, but it's not correct. It's not a hangover. It's happiness payment. Oh, no, that's good. Who said that? J.K. Chesterton or someone? Oh, I don't know. That's from some Edwardian wit.

Ah. It's simply happiness borrowed from tomorrow. You know. Ah, right. it's simply happiness borrowed from tomorrow he he ah right um it's oh it's not it's not a hangover it's daddy's special day

I don't know I don't know I'm gonna have to tap out it'd be so funny if I saw if you're hungover lying down saying that. I can't believe you're hungover. It's not a hangover. Can you give me one word?

It's Daddy's special day. Give me one word. See if I can get at least one. It's not a hangover. It's wine blank. Oh, it's not a hangover. It's wine reflection. No, no. This one's not a hangover. It's wine reflection. No, no, this one's too hard.

Okay. It's not a hangover. It's wine flu. Wine flu. I've heard of wine flu as well. Well, because my instinct with it's not a hangover was that they would try to make it sound good. It's like, it's not bad, it's actually good. It's enforced downtime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, it's constructive reflection day or something. It's reflection of a kind, yeah. If you are what you eat, then I am blank, blank, and blank. If you are what you eat, then I am blank, blank, and blank. Then I am sausages, fat, and roots. I would love to see that on a wall.

If you are, like all burned into a piece of driftwood If you are what you eat Then I'm sausages Fat and fruit I don't Roots Oh roots I thought you said fruit Either way

You can also have fruit Sausages fat and roots I'd read that and go Eh Eh Roots I'd call you back into the kitchen I'd be like

Phil What does this mean And you'd be like, Phil, what does this mean? And you'd be like, yeah, what? That's true. If you're what you eat, I am gravy, mash, and pussy. I don't think it would be that cheeky. What an incredibly sort of banterous northern man would have that on his wall.

Yeah. You've got to think more conceptual. There's no food items on this at all. It's descriptions of food. Oh, then I am fried? No, you're too literal. You're being too literal. You're obviously hungry.

Descriptions of food. Conceptual descriptions of food. Oh, then I am delicious? Sweet? Sweet is more the sort of thing, the stuff that can also apply to a person, we're saying. Yeah. It's puns, Phil.

It's puns. Oh, gosh. What kind of puns? Spicy? No. Sweet? Salty? That's too literal. Oh, gosh. What kind of puns? Spicy? No. Sweet? Salty? That's too literal.

Bitter? Too literal. Yeah, we're getting better. Getting better. Oh. Oh. I am tasty. I am.

You're going to. You're thinking with your tongue. Oh, gosh. Thinking with my tongue. No. And nourishing. None of it's to do with tongue. None of it's to do with tongue none of it's to do with

you got like no none of it's to do with tongue boy no one nothing to do with tongue yeah no one no one saucily describes themselves as high in potassium you know what i mean yeah but i'm saying like sweet yeah but you're getting closer with that, but it's even one level beyond that. Then, if you are what you eat, then I am juicy, creamy. I am a big splat on a plate. I'm boiled. I'm boiled. Do you want a clue? Yeah. If you are what you eat,

then I am fast blank and blank. Fast? Yeah. If you are what you eat, then I am fast junk. Yeah. And

then I am oh okay okay okay oh I see what you're saying then I am then I am fast lean and drunk

because you're getting drunken chicken but that's like Chinese I give up I can't do it. If you are what you eat, then I am fast, easy, and cheap. Yeah. Okay. It's to do with shagging. It's a bit too abstracted.

You're right. I was too literal. I was too much into the food. You were going on about mouthfeel and stuff. Sweetness and crunchiness. Okay. What about this? I keep losing weight, but it keeps... Finding me. Blood of heaven. You got it.

And this one isn't really a phrase or a tat, but it's just maybe a quite a quite progressive real men blank blank real men bake bread close you've got exactly along the right lines but more less fun than baking bread more boring and horrible oh real men clean dishes yes is it wash dishes yeah it's funny isn't it that you would say would you say clean the dishes or wash the dishes wash the dishes clean the dishes because there's that thing where you go i'm just gonna dishwasher i'm just gonna go clean my teeth but you wouldn't say i'm gonna go wash my teeth but i clean my teeth is weird i think i had

a girlfriend who said clean clean my teeth and i thought that was oh it's british it's quite british i think so yeah clean my teeth clean your teeth i would i grew up saying brush yeah i said i grew up saying brush the trouble with saying wash your teeth is that it's too soapy and and and it's no scrubby yeah it feels like you're putting your teeth in a tub. Or just sort of sluicing them, I think, with washing. Right, putting them in a colander and just running them under the tank. Yeah, like big broccoli heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And then putting them back in. Would that be good if you could just pluck your teeth out, put them in a washing machine and pop them back in. Would that be good if you could just pluck your teeth out, put them in the washing machine, and pop them back in? That would be so good. You'd never have another problem again. I mean, absolutely horrifying for the time

when you don't have any teeth in your mouth. Yeah, what would you do in that time? Eat porridge. Close all the blinds. Make sure no one sees you, visits you. Oh, no, you know what would be good? A salero.

A salero? A salero or like a calypso, like an ice lolly, like a frozen... Would that be horrible, having the ice right up against your gums, though? But I think it would be soothing. Hmm.

You go, hmm. Like when you lost a tooth when you were a kid. Yeah, it was nice to tongue. I was going to say tongue the hole. So horrible. It was nice to tongue the hole. It was good to tongue the hole, the tooth hole. It was nice to tongue the hole.

It was nice to tongue the tooth hole. And you could go, ah, in the tooth hole and you could go in the tooth hole and then slowly the new tooth would emerge like a horrible being a child was awful being a child was metal it was really fucking metal

you'd get a loose tooth and you'd go and you'd just go pull it out pull it out pull out your tooth and tongue the hole. It's like lyrics from a death. Horrible tongue. The hole is a tongue.

The hole is the name of a track that, um, Ed Gamble would listen to. You'd be like, have you listened to tongue the hole by child teeth? Child teeth. I bet that's a band. Hello, Ed,

if you're listening. I know you do listen sometimes. I hope you can find us a band called Child Teeth. But Ellen says, but really it's the breath and the scale of the tat that deserves to be seen.

Absolutely splendid stuff. Goodbye. How has a home like that ended up on greatest like, greatest homes? A producer with a sense of humour, one of those. Maybe the producer's a pod bud. Maybe the producer is a pod bud. Maybe.

We're out of time for today. We're out of time. We're out of time. Thank you, Ellen. That was some great Welsh tat. That was very good. That was nice. And a very specific iPlayer recommendation as well.

Yes, giving this exact timecode. Yeah, well now it's time to go to the exclusive Welsh cottage of the Patreon. Oh no. Yes, come to the Welsh cottage for spice. Some spicy rabbit. Yeah, some lovely leeks. Did I tell you when I first moved to the UK and we were in Bath

and we went to somewhere to have lunch and looked at the menu and it said Welsh rabbit, which I thought was rabbit i was like delicious yeah yeah and then we all served cheese on toast and i was like i want to go back to malaysia i always thought it was like some kind of very nichely prepared haunch of mutton yeah piece of like a rare bit like a rare piece. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, this is the bit just under the bum. This is the kind of bum flank,

like a kind of internal thigh, haunch, leg thing. Yeah, this is the gooch. There's only one per sheep and it's a delicacy. It's so hard to find and cook the gooch correctly. They call it Welsh fugu. Fugu fish is puffer fish. You have to cut it exactly the right way or you die. We've seen The Simpsons, Phil.

We've seen The Simpsons. Classic Simpsons. Not everyone remembers exactly what they call it. That's true. All right. All right. See you soon, folks. See you on tour, guys.

Bye. Bye. alright see you soon folks bye bye