BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 234 - BedPod

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

The lads talk backs and beds, Phil's tight hams and Pierre's disgusting flexibility. When I'm Cleaning Windows and Bob tells us how he got toilet scammed and Allie sends us some tat. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's bud pod a two three four two three four um you need more you need more bud pod you need more in your life and we're giving it to you more more more how do you like it how do you like it do you think uh i'm flexing my biceps yeah is that a thing in music a two three four no well usually it's a one two three four yeah yeah yeah that's what it is

yeah you wouldn't start two three four you'd go a one two three a one a two a one two three four that's what I'm thinking of

and it has to be that song yeah yeah it has to be that song Yeah It has to be that song We've been on tour A couple of tour boys We're on tour We are tour boys Tour boys touring all around us

In the UK This weekend I have been Up north Oh Up north I've have been up north. Oh. Up north. I've been going up north of England where people talk like this. I've been going up to Warrington.

I went to Warrington. I went to York. Old York. I went to York and I went to Buxton In the Midlands Where they talk like this What was Buxton like? Buxton's beautiful It's an old spa town Yeah

It's where Buxton drinking water is from of course Which I talked to them about But they clearly have heard that Every day of their lives But I don't care It's my first time there So I was talking about buxton water and the the water there's so nice that the in the taps in the dressing rooms backstage

the stickers over the taps will say drinking water usually backstage above every tap is a sign that says don't drink this water it's pure rats it's pure rats you It's pure rats. You will die of rats. But in Buxton, it's like, yeah, go ahead. Drink it. Go see what you think. It's just a sign saying,

you're lucky we're not charging you. There's an old well in the middle of town with like the Virgin Mary on it. And it just spouts Buxton water all the time. And people like line up and they just fill up their bottles

and buckets with spa buxton spring water lovely virgin water yummy yummy but it is one of those old victorian spa towns it's um all very pretty it looks a lot like bath where i did some growing up yeah it's amazing that like in the old days in the sort of medieval early modern period just getting clean drinking water was such a fucking miracle that they were like well obviously it's god like we need to put up a statue ah yeah like we're so lucky to not be shitting all the time it's manna from heaven yeah yeah virgin yeah. Virgin water. Pure and clean. What did the Greek gods drink? Ambrosia.

Ambrosia. Yeah, they drank ambrosia and they ate manna? No. Manna? I thought... They ate something else. The food of the gods or something else oh what was ambrosia the food oh i don't know i thought they ate the lamb legs that people

burned for them that's oh yeah yeah they ate a lot of lamb. Very fat. Ambrosia is the food or drink. There you go. It's like a heel. It's heel. Heel of the gods. Heel of the gods. Drink, Ambrosia. It is the heel of the gods.

Truly it is the protein shake of Zeus himself. It's a full meal in a drink. He comes in a powder and Zeus puts it in his cup and he shakes it around. To be fair. He looks like a bit of a dickhead when he drinks it,

but it's got all the nutrients you need for a good workout. It means that Zeus doesn't have to leave his desk. He can get a lot of God stuff done. Zeus is a bro for sure.us is a gym bro for sure i'm trying to think of which of the gods don't look like gym bros i was just thinking if you had like a olympus huh hermes oh but he's like a little he's on the treadmill that's true he's doing sprints even yeah even hephestus is like he's he's on weights he's on like he's like deadlifting

he's like one of those world's strongest men guys where they're like they're not they're not defined they're just incredibly strong exactly gosh maybe apollo little sun nerd hades little dork in the underground there little goth yeah probably hades he's he's on the dark web every night he's just at his computer every night we um we've discussed goth starcraft too yeah yeah yeah we've discussed goth's lack of muscles before so maybe that tracks um i have been on tour in uh where did i start i went to oxford brighton cambridge all of the most highly educated or gayest places yes wow real real metropolitan elite stuff yeah an incredibly elitist start to the tour i've been going to warrington yeah I've been seeing... I've been speaking to real people.

You gig exclusively in the Red Wall. That's where you gig. Yeah. Warrington was great. The crowd in Warrington were real nice. A lot had driven from Manchester, to be fair. But it was still... It was a great show.

Oh, man. It's so hard to figure out where to go on tour um people always come from surprising places i had a few people in all three of those places who had seen me open for you phil at uh the palladium in london oh wow excellent yeah but they didn't live in london they they had come to london for that and then come to where i was for this wow that's so nice it's so hard to keep track of where everyone is where the customers are i i in york bumped i bumped into a couple of people at the hotel who had traveled up and made like a whole weekend of it just to come see the show then have a little weekend in york oh nice and um you do feel a lot of responsibility it's a lot of pressure i'm the reason for a little weekend i'm the reason

for a little drive or a little train ticket or a bunch of plans i'm the reason for a little addition to the ical i'm i'm the reason why you had to download an app and book a thing I always feel almost like I want to apologize but I'm so sorry for making you do admin there are some theatres mailing lists now because at some point they're going to have to click unsubscribe on an email because of me this is it yeah and you go

I've burdened these people if only there was a way they could just have what they want and not have to do all this admin. It does feel like a lot. But thank you to everyone who came to Oxford, Baraita and Cambridge, especially the Podbuds. Quite a few of you guys.

Yes. A fancy bunch. Thank you to all Podbuds for coming to my talk show. It is very kind. The Buxton Pod Buds incredibly hydrated. This week I'm in Salisbury and then Cambridge. You were in Cambridge last week. Yeah, boy. Were you at the Junction?

I'm at the Corn Exchange. Of course, of course. As I was last time. Yes, yes. I am Birmingham, Alabama. Birmingham, Thursday, Friday Those are almost sold out

Bristol Saturday, two in a day, Phil 4.30, 7.30 Oh, wow So you're doing two doubles in two cities I'm doing two doubles in two cities And then rounding it all off with Exeter Sundays in Exeter Exeter's lovely

It is nice It's not selling amazingly I'm not very popular in Exeter Exeter is lovely It is nice It is nice It's not selling amazingly I'm not very popular in Exeter Not after what I did to the cathedral It's selling okay But it's got lots of tickets Whereas the Bristol dates are full

So if you're between Exeter and Bristol Choose Exeter That would be my advice Where are you performing in Bristol? The wardrobe oh beautiful beautiful room to the wardrobe and i'm gigging through the keyhole while you're sleeping beautiful room really nice room really nice gig a little of that nice venue um i've had to take some ibuprofen, Phil, because my legs and my back are killing me. To say nothing of my pussy and my crack.

Don't even get Piers started on his pussy and his crack. I'm going to have to go get a massage for this whole pussy crack problem I've been having. He's going to need a crackendectomy. I went to a physio yesterday for my back. Oh. What's happening to your back? It's because I've created a big bum trench in my mattress.

Oh, you were saying. Yeah, I didn't realize just how serious this bum trench was in your mattress. Really? It's not just a whimsical bum trench in my mattress oh you were saying yeah i didn't realize just how serious his bum trench was in your mattress really it's not just a whimsical bum trench yeah and we'll know no amount of fluffing the mattress will fill it out it's just it's it's in there it's there is it a memory foam mattress is that the problem is it unable to forget my my my fantastic trunk yeah your mattress is talking to your ass like I just can't quit you

you left a mark on me this ass has left a mark on me I can't move on I can't return to my old shape there's something a bit rag and bone forever this ass will be a part of me. There's a rag and bone man aspect to what you're doing here. What's a rag and bone man?

Don't put your ass on me. Rag and bone man. Oh, the singer, yeah. Yeah. But you know, you don't know like... Don't put your ass on me. Don't put your ass on me. That used to be a job, you know.

Putting an ass on someone yeah a rag and bone man yeah yeah you collect all the rags and bones and you'd have a wheelbarrow and a trumpet yeah well do people actually want to buy bones it was for animal feed or grinding down for some industrial thing or compost thing or you know yeah yeah um what job yeah or terrible um but yeah basically basically phil i wake up in this like bum trench and it means that like you know when you're lying in a in a deck chair and you sort of engage your lower back right as you're about to kind of hoik yourself up out of the deck chair that's what my back is doing all night. Oh man. Yeah, so I wake up in this, I wake

up basically in full Mr. Burns posture. You gotta invest in a good mattress, Pierre. You spent half your life on it. I did. This is the thing. I bought this mattress to solve a much smaller dip in the old one. Gosh. It just dips all the way down. It's nothing but bum dips. It's because I'm

incredibly heavy. Yeah, you're gonna have to find something with just incredible structural rigidity and structural strength well here's the thing so this mattress is the one that was supposed to solve the problem and it's made it worse yeah because um where did i get it from maybe from simba the lion uh maybe from simba mattresses anyway the point is is that you search like firm hard and they go there you want firm that mattress is firm if it's got foam involved at all it's not fucking firm this is what i was about to say these are all foam mattresses all the delivery mattresses are foam mattresses i had to get rid i had a foam mattress and um it really hurt my back it's bullshit bullshit. It doesn't support you.

You need a sprung mat. You need a sprung mat. When I bend my back and I hear that crack, I need sprung. Baby's hurt back. Yeah, man. So what I've done is I've ordered a megabed and it's arriving tomorrow. Megabed?

Megabed. Megabed. The full bed or just a mattress? Just a mattress, but still. Or the brand is Megabed? No, it should be. Oh, right. I thought that was like the Giacomo of mattresses.

Megabed. But here's the problem problem if you are a big uh round person big boned yeah yeah well then you do need a mattress with a lot of give because your big side portion has to go in the mattress your big side portion has to go in the mat so if you're lying on your side if you lie on on your side, you want your spine to be flat. And so if your spine is flat, your circular part has to go deeper into the mattress, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, right. So then they go, oh, this mattress is great if you weigh above this amount, if you're really heavy. And you go, no, no, no, no. If you're a big, heavy person of a round shape,

whereas I am like a little lead, maybe like a bus stop, shaped a bit like a bus stop yeah like a post box but you also have the ass of a pixar mom i've got i've got the the ass from the incredibles yeah yeah so you're you're dense and heavy and then you've got this bit that sticks out as well my mighty haunches yeah and so that means that when they go don't worry there's plenty of given it for your big round circle part it's like no that's not what i want that's the problem yeah well i'm excited about this mega bed oh yeah reinforced bed it literally is a reinforced bed wow it's the company makes like i starting to get like mailing list spam from the company and they're

like new deals on quadruple bunk beds that was the last one they sent me i was like what the fuck what they made out of like kevlar and carbon fiber or something i these are these bulletproof mattresses this is john wick's mattress phil i i genuinely might um do a routine about it because the website is insane and it is just like it's like my my mattress had to be forged like the fucking yurikai just like them pouring iron into a like yeah there's one japanese guy on the top of a mountain in hokkaido who makes yeah he's he's having to read my name on a sort of scroll that an eagle's delivered to him well yeah when they make the mattress is made by a guy with like round reflective goggles and you see like the flames in his reflection as he

yeah quenches it he dips a whole mattress into water and it's and he's nodding now the question on everyone's lips where does this leave your partner who presumably does not need such such a sturdy mattress here's my theory she's gonna bounce she's gonna bounce off that thing yeah she's gonna be ricocheting off it it's gonna be like um she's basically sleeping rough now she's basically sleeping on she's basically sleeping on the road yeah i've just ordered a big a big i've ordered a big cube of tarmac for me to sleep on and she has to um i don't know here's my theory because this mattress when i say it it didn't work for me the one i have now it is like presumably if you are a normal weight you are some sort of normal person, and my partner is a normal person, then presumably it is a really firm

and marvelous mattress. So maybe there won't be any difference, because there's no give anyway, right? There's only give if you're incredibly heavy. Yes. So my theory is that she might not even notice a difference. But

she'll be reused for some give, and she'll some give well this will give her no give this is well this gives no give this doesn't give the gift of give we're gonna have to cross that uh reinforced bridge when we come to it um because i can't i can't i can't be crippled like this every day it's yeah it's enough now yeah fair enough it is truly crazy it is crazy it is crazy she's a back sleeper as well anyway so who knows about those people back sleeper flat back sleeper got to be a trick yeah i have no idea how you can anyone can sleep on their back it It makes me feel like I'm dying. Yeah, I feel like my heart sinks into my spine. I feel like my heart sinks into my spine.

I feel like my intestines sink into my bum. Yes. And I feel like my jaw and my throat, I start to... I'm breathing like one of those inbred cats, you know. Sidesleeping forever. Sidesleeping forever. Sidesleeping forever, that's right. This podcast is anti-murder, pro-nuclear, sidesleepers only, baby. I still laugh sometimes about that correspondence we got

from that lady. It might even have been on the Patreon. I can't remember. But she wakes up choking herself. Oh, with the hand on the throat yeah she sleeps with a guy was that a guy i thought it was a lady anyway we got someone who listens sleeps with their hand like as if they're about to kill themselves and yeah and they wake up and they're surprised and they think someone's joking yeah they go yeah have you have you tried to because because of my bum ditch phil i've been

trying to train myself to sleep on my back and i just can't do it i feel like i'm in hospital trying to because it's meant to be good for your back yeah i bet it is yeah i just can't do it i can't do it i'm not i feel completely. It just wakes me up. I feel like I'm doing something. I feel like I'm at work if I'm lying on my back. I feel like I'm in hospital. Yeah, I feel like I'm about to be examined by like... Like a little robot needle thing is about to come down. Exactly.

It feels medical. It feels sterile and artificial and strange um we're sleeping on your side he's cozy and snuggly yeah it's it's you're a fetus in a cloth womb yes yeah have you um yeah so i yeah so i went to this physio and the physio guy was like oh yeah he did the build this thing he was like you've got some cowboys in here like on your back yeah my back was all fucked up it was like a bag it was like a sack of nuts back there i yeah i've been all around the houses with with the lower back people i've had crackers it's not as in white people as in people i was gonna say any other any other races um actually i did have a japanese guy in the middle of town who called himself uh

japanese harry potter because because he worked magic on your back. Really? Yeah. He was very, yeah. He was a very sweet Japanese guy. I am a Japanese Harry Potter. And I think it was because he did this thing where, because he had such tight hamstrings, you press him up against his, like you press him down against his shoulder or something.

Yeah, yeah. And it doesn't feel like you're doing very much. But then when you stop, your pain is kind of alleviated. It's gone. Are you a tight ham boy? I do have tight hams. Although I can bend over and touch my toes now. I think maybe I've been stretching them enough.

But I've always had very tight hammies. And they pull down on your back So tight hammies People looking at you going Look at those tight hams Yeah then I reach down I pull them and it goes And they're like They have to bite their knuckle like that

Yeah how high that note was Whereas if you bent over and it went bow. Yeah, I play like a double bass. Yeah, just twanging the back of your own thigh. That's what you want. Yeah, I just lie on my back, lift up my right leg. You're doing that little head thing. That's so funny.

That's nice. You have a whole, like, skeleton band of, like, what would it be? You've got the big, someone holding their leg up like that, like double bass. Yeah. What would? Someone playing their tendon in their arm like a violin i guess yeah yeah yeah yeah their own twangy arm tendon that's like a violin or a fiddle um playing a flute with your fist a fist flute

yeah that's just like a flute sounds. Haunting. Someone holding their bum open and someone else going... Yeah. It's the body band. We can call them the body band. Actually, the person doing the... Could be doing it on the person holding their leg up for the double bass. Ah, yes. Because their bum hole's kind of out then

i said to my i said to my guy uh i'm hyper mobile yeah this is the most unsettling thing about you is that you're enormous but you're also very bendy yeah and it's not hate it it's really horrible it's not normal it when you do when you when you when your thumb when you push your thumb down to your arm or you push your elbows the wrong way or whatever it is like in a video game when an npc like messes up and like the arms go the wrong way and they're going like yeah yeah when they get stuck in a wall whatever yeah and the head's just going that's what it's like yeah yeah yeah i i agree i think it's very unsettling and it's not normal and it gets it gets less normal the taller you are that is the what my guy implied he was like yeah you're like a you're like six three six four you shouldn't be able to do that and i was like i

know it's a genuine problem so you know they do like an assessment where they're like 6'3", 6'4", you shouldn't be able to do that. And I was like, I know, it's a genuine problem. So, you know, they do like an assessment where they're like, oh, how, can you do this? Can you do this? Like they're trying to figure out how fucked up you are. And he was like, oh, do a squat for me as deep as you can. I can just sit on my ankles like a Chinese farmer. Yeah, that's great. That's a real skill to be able to do that.

It's a real gift. It's just Jeanette. And he, like, as I did it, he went, oh. Whoa. Whoa to do that. It's a real gift. It's just Jeanette. And as I did it, he went, oh. Whoa. Whoa. Like that. And then he was saying, oh, so is your work mostly sedentary? You're sitting down a lot.

I was like, eh. Because there's always an awkward moment where you go, do I tell this person I'm a stand-up? Yes, yes. I always say I'm a comedian. I always say that. I don't lie ever anymore i've i've started saying it a bit more but i said to her i well i couldn't resist the joke

did you know like is most of your work sitting down i was like well ah nice so i i'd made the little joke and he had seen me open for you at the palladium you're kidding yeah you're you're you're physio yeah he worked it out he was like well i recognize your voice though and i said well radio show with frank skinner are you if you were a pod bud you'd know my from my name it can't be bud pod and it was yeah he figured it out he while he was crack-a-lackin my back-a-lackin while he was stretching out my my pussy and my crack um he i would say for the sake of his professional reputation he was not stretching out my pussy he was being incredibly yeah your pussy is completely seized up um we're gonna have to uh yeah we're gonna have to... Work out the kink in your pussy.

Your pussy is all knotted up. You've got that pussy of an old man. We've got to work this out. Yeah, I was hyper-mobile enough for him to be like, ooh, that's actually bad. I was like, I know, right? Is it actually bad? Yeah.

Why? So, because all the joints are really mobile, so if you're not hypermobile, one of the reasons you can't do something with your elbow or your shoulder or your knees that hurts it is because your cartilage won't let you. If you aren't hypermobile. Yeah. Yeah. So then your actual body you. If you aren't hypermobile. Yeah.

Yeah. So then your actual body is like, we don't bend that way. Yeah. Please don't do this. Stop doing this. Yeah. Whereas if your knees or your shoulders, hips and toes, can bend that way, then it fucks up your tendons because that's what's connected to the joint.

The joint might be happy, but the tendons aren't because they're not hypermobile oh they're getting hyperextended yeah they're getting twisty twisty i don't like or yankee yankee so he said like let me guess when you do squats you have to completely consciously engage your hips your your your your core core. Like you have to engage all the muscles involved before you start the movement or your knees run in or run out. And I was like, that's exactly it. I have to consciously, like an old caretaker, a janitor turning on bits of a robot.

Boo, boo, boo. I have to turn on all the muscles and then hope that they keep me in a stable line. Oh no. It's very line. Oh, no. It's very annoying. That's haunting. I'm really sorry. I have to pause there.

There's a man just at the door. Sorry. Okay. Sorry. Should I pause? No, I'm going to keep talking to people. How long do you think it's going to take? Let's find out.

It'll be a couple of minutes. Just go, go, go. See what it is. I'll paint you guys an audiovisual picture. Phil's face was one of concern, but not like... I don't think the guy's come to collect any money. I think it's... I can kind of hear, because Phil's still wearing his ear pods.

Oh, there's some sort of admin going on here ah it's some kind of job kill pierre well i don't think that's possible um phil's background is like a Dalmatian print wallpaper as well, which is really odd. And it's from the previous owner of the property. And I think it looks... Frankly, I think it looks eccentric. I think it looks eccentric.

And I don't know why he hasn't changed it yet. Maybe he likes it. Is that Dalmatian? Loads and loads of little black dots on white. It's not definitely animal print, but it's not in art. Hello! Sorry, it's the window cleaner man. Yeah, I was trying to figure out what job it was.

Oh, well done, yeah. He's been cleaning windows. He'll be cleaning windows. Has he got a ukulele as well? No, not that I can see. He's got a full electric guitar i would love i would love a glam rock cover of when i'm cleaning windows ah that's got to exist doesn't it

i'm sure i've done i've heard the original um i'll i've been cleaning windows is one of those songs whose melody i never know i just know the the general vibe yeah when i'm cleaning windows it's something like that right okay again but that's more of a rhythm rhythm when I'm cleaning windows look it up, you have to look it up I'll get the correspondence ready and you look it up ring letters, emails, phone calls your sister

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correspondence correspondence correspondence a wallet it's a clever algorithm you know i'm interested in thing after i went on the website and bought it now you're advertising thing i've already bought to me what's what's the object sorry i missed that a wallet a wallet oh yeah because you were saying you felt aggrieved how did you say goodbye to your old wallet from last week i've still not done it it's still stood on my dresser no an empty corpse of a wallet looking at you and because it's leather it looks like a like a body like a skin like shed skin you know oh it's all is it got like kind of rough edges like an old like a like a peeled from a suntan

yeah yeah it looks like a somewhat old piece of hide or a bit of a bog body. Oh yeah, bog body texture. Maybe you could put it in a bog and preserve it for archaeologists. Ah. Okay, when I'm cleaning windows. Have you got it down?

You got the tune? Oh, it's when I'm cleaning windows. Yeah, when i'm cleaning windows yeah when i'm cleaning windows yeah it's there isn't some great soaring orchestral tune here no no it's a musical song yeah yeah it's only a minute and a half yeah well he's a lazy window cleaner i guess oh he's a very hard working window cleaner So he doesn't have enough time to play music We've heard from Bob Phil Bob you slob What have you got to say for yourself Hi Phil Basically he's calling us Phil Wanker

And Lucky Pierre Oh so is there an implication That Pierre is lucky because I'm wanking? I think a lucky Pierre is someone in the middle of a threesome. Really? I was told this from, like, do you remember when we were at school and everyone went through that fucking urban dictionary phase of just finding obscure slang that relates to nothing and making it up?

No, no, I don't remember this period of school life. Do you not? Like, even, like, I think Bill Burr was complaining about it. making it up no no i don't remember this period of school life do you not like even like uh i think bill burr was complaining about it people like oh do you know what a nebraska steamer is it's when someone you're getting a blowjob and someone poos on the girl's head it's like obviously a thing that never existed or ever happened it's just some 12 year olds made it up yeah yeah so during that phase my friend tom said oh lucky pierre is the freaking threesome person but it does seem to spread around because that's not the first time someone on budpods

referenced it oh interesting wow it's first i've heard of it well and i've been listening to budpod for ages it's true uh bob says i just remembered something that happened to me that seems like the kind of thing you guys are into. Brackets, poo. I'm not that into it. It just keeps happening. I was at a house party in South London. I feel like we're reporters. We're not into murder,

but we're just detectives. Yeah, we just have to report on this stuff. We're impartial. We're BBC. We don't have to be impartial about this poop I'm the terror correspondent I'm not a terrorist Exactly So Bob says I was at a house party in South London

And bursting for a piss So I joined a quite long toilet queue Of mainly girls Lovely Then the toilet door opens And the guy comes out and says something along the lines of i just took a piss and didn't flush so maybe a guy should go in and that way we'll all be doing our part to save the planet as there will only be one flush for two pisses right so there's a cure i think i've figured out what happened here there's a cure girls he's at the

back yeah he's at the back the guy the person who's currently in the bathroom is a guy. Yeah, he comes out and says... What a thing to announce to a bunch of girls at a house party. Well, here's the thing, Phil. The plot will thicken shortly. Oh. That's all the piss. Well, indeed.

So, this guy comes out. I think I know what's happened. Yeah, makes this fucking Captain Planet comes out from the bog. And says, I just did a piss. Maybe another man should go in there and pee on that. Which doesn't make any sense. Why would a gender matter with the piss? So, you can probably

see where this is going but i'm either too stupid or just needed a piss too much so it sounded like a fucking brilliant idea at the time so i eagerly volunteered of course as soon as i opened the door the foul stench of the revolting shit he'd just taken hit me clever boy so clever it is clever and i'm amazed it worked yeah yeah well well he was counting on this guy's need to do a piss asap and it paid off this is like oceans 11 i'm amazed the girls were like yeah that makes sense we'll save on flush water do you think they went oh good for you piss man it's not like women have to wait extra long to use the bathroom all the time in public anyway yeah we'll let this guy who's just joined the queue jump ahead for the most spurious of reasons well that's it if i was the girl at the front i'd be like um i'll piss on

your piss for the planet if that's what you're suggesting i'll piss on your i don't care what do you mean what are you talking about oh but so so now this guy's been what's the word when you get bamboozled when you get the rap the rap rap for something? Framed. Get framed? Yeah, okay. He's been framed. He's taken the rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's taken the rap.

Taken the crap. He's been fecal framed. He's been framed. So, he goes in. Awful poo smell. It was so disgusting I was gagging as I pissed. Wow. That's hard to do. To relax enough to piss and to still be going

I should have been angry at being set up like this, but I was actually very amused and quite impressed. And I thought to myself that this guy must be really fun. Must be really fun. Just imagine that. Peeing in a toilet gagging and then at the same time shaking your head and going that old rogue yeah very good very good

hang out with this guy well played monsieur well played yeah exactly so he goes it really wasn't a perfect plan of course as i wasn't going to spend long enough in there to have taken the shit myself but i guess it gave him a time buffer to escape the scene of the crime yeah but he's he's now presuming that the people who follow him will care about the logic and the justice of the poo smell they won't they'll just blame him i think they will blame him yeah yeah it's like if you get discovered with a body people don't care that you didn't have long enough to kill the person it's like well we found you with the body so also i think there is still there's so much mystery about the toilet behaviors of the opposite sex. I swear we don't know how long it takes each other to poop.

I think that's absolutely right. And I think it's something that even if privately one of the girls in the queue had a thought about it, they would feel that they would be lowering their own social status by speculating in detail about a man's poo. This poor guy. How did Bob deal with the social fallout, though, does he say? Well...

Anyway, I went off to find the guy so I could congratulate him on his hilarious trick, thinking we could have a good laugh about it. But to my dismay, he denied all knowledge. Wow! Coward! To the bit!

Coward! Commit to the bit! This is his life now Pierre He's under witness protection He has to stay in character Um His plan didn't really work out that well though As every time I saw him for the rest of the evening I would drunkenly exclaim

Hey you're the dude who did the disgusting shit on the toilet Obviously not something I would have done if he hadn't played his trick yeah that's probably why he's denying it because he's saying it like that i actually polled later on that night with a girl who was in the queue no no way come on that's pulling on like i was legend difficulty hard difficulty impossible difficulty i was working as a painter decorator at the time and i told this girl to which she Pulling on like legend difficulty, hard difficulty, impossible difficulty. I was working as a painter decorator at the time, and I told this girl, to which she replied with a completely genuine, Wow!

Whoa! That sounds like it was a very yuppie middle class party. Yeah, well, or as he says, I guess she was just into tradesmen who do vile shits but i think that i think that is a subtype i think you know a bit rough yeah for sure i remember i remember doing uh what was i seeing a show one of these memories i can't remember if i was on stage or watching the person on stage but I was in the Soho theatre in the sort of cabaret room in the basement and the comedian

I don't think it was me I honestly can't remember no yeah it wasn't me someone else was on stage and they asked someone in the crowd what do you do and the guy said I'm a taxi driver and the audience went oh like that and the soho theater has never never been so bourgeois to me as in that moment

oh yeah someone's a taxi driver they're literally right outside all the time but because of the because of the clientele of this episode theater people, people were like, ooh, how exotic. Wow. And how did he find his way in here? Can he understand everything? Wow. Does he know that the things on stage aren't real? That they're a fake thing, a play, if you will?

Isn't there football on or something tonight? I guess I suppose not. Aren't the races on? Shouldn't he be betting on the dogs somewhere? or you turn into scrooge are there no workhouses yeah it's um yeah so i i i never felt in such yuppie company as in that moment oh man yeah and i imagine it's a similar thing at this party's like oh a painter decorator because everyone else has a fucking digital marketing influencer or like just consultant uh project manager yeah i can't yeah uh digital content editor provider researcher i've been starting to say to audiences if if i say to someone what's your job and it is one of those jobs i just say office

office oh emails oh emails and office office emails it's so nice sometimes as a comedian when you get someone who's like I'm a butcher you go oh my god oh yeah that's the dream but I always say jobs from a kids book that's what you want yeah I've just got a notification from BBC

News that Storm Agnes is on the way oh Agnes do you know this rule about storms names i think so about the genders yeah alphabetical alternating genders yes and agnes now the next one might be bob like our correspondent bob well store everyone thought storm bob hit that toilet i also know that more people die during storms named after ladies in the u.s because men don't take them as seriously yeah i've heard this as well do you think that's true i i i can see it

especially with the kind of american males of the midwest absolutely yeah i can imagine it um i mean right now i'm even you know even i uh and uh uh an enlightened man i'm going agnes ah she sounds sweet yeah it's just a huge hurricane of boiled sweets smashing through windows and things like hail just rhubarb and custard boiled sweets just hammering into people's heads yeah going through carwin yeah carwin chills just the bonnet like it's being shot by a gun just just ah yeah stings oh it stings. We got a message quickly from Ali. Ali, our good pal-y. Hello, the Fast and the Pierious franchise.

Right, so Fast with a P-H, is it? Yeah, boy, you know it. Much praise redacted and sorrows for not currently being a Patreon member. Do not worry, Ali. There's always time. It's always... It will be there waiting for you like a poopinania. Whenever you return.

I look forward to binging all the bonus content when I can rejoin. Physicians do not recommend. When I saw this tat, I knew I had to send it your way. I think it was either written for the Joker or a Kardashian. Okay. I wonder if Phil can whisper it. Let's see. A rare Venn diagram overlap.

Okay, so it is a white poster with black text on. A white poster with black text? Okay. The top line in huge letters just says, prefer. So it's an invective. It's telling us to prefer. Okay.

Or instructive tense, whatever it is, prefer. Yeah. Prefer. I'll start this on hard mode. Prefer blanking in a blank to blanking on a blank so it's telling us they prefer blanking on a blank over blanking on the blank yeah there's a sort of unsaid you should prefer here right okay let's prefer blanking in a blank to blanking in a blank to blanking on a blank peeing on in a pool to peeing on a pool no no i'll say this the inner and honor words are forms of transport. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

In a car? Sorry? In a car? What kind of car? Oh. A hearse. An ambulance. An ambulance.

Prefer blanking in a transport to blanking on a transport oh man yeah no my mind's not up to this today this seems too broad prefer there's only one there's only one kind of there's only a couple kinds of transport that you're on instead of in on a train yeah on the bus yeah bus second one is bus prefer blanking in a blank to something-ing on a bus think rise and grind

think status think richness oh right it's one of those yeah prefer blanking in a limo to blanking on a bus grinding in a limo to relaxing on a bus no but you got the right sort of idea um working in a limo to singing on a bus we're we're very much in nothing tastes as good as skinny feels sort of territory yeah it feels like that yeah crying in a limo to

laughing yeah is it did you say crying and laughing yeah yeah you got it boy you got it well that's a terrible thing to i love getting on a bus i'll get on the bus over a car a lot of time i don't being in a car makes me in london makes me feel sick oh yeah absolutely but london buses are great i like a bus i'd i'd yeah crying in a limo i don't know it's all it's all a bit um noughties britney spears for me i was literally thinking of lucky just now yeah that's so funny she's a star but she cry cry cries in her limo car thinking if there's nothing. Did we learn nothing from the song Lucky? She's so stinky. She's a fart.

That's exactly the sort of thing I would sing to irritate my sisters at the time. Ali says, P.S. um ali says ps oh well ps ali just says i've been appreciating the neurodivergent chat i have ocd but it wasn't probably properly diagnosed until my mid-20s because doctors thought i was just a quirky girl yeah yeah there's a lot of that there's a lot of that a lot of that. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of that around. Well, we have OCD about finishing the podcast right now. I have OCD about that. Maybe I have OCD, you know. There are certain aspects of you that are quite compulsive. Yes, yes, and not totally logical you're definitely hanging out

with all of us in the neurodivergent treehouse it just depends what corner um yeah i've got a provisional membership card yeah yeah and what a neat treehouse it is good um all right guys we're both on tour as as ever check out our websites for dates lovely would love to see you there otherwise have wonderful weeks and we'll see patrons on friday where we will be in the limo exclusive treehouse oh exclusive limo yeah let's do limo okay exclusive limo all right then see you soon bye