BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 237 - Heeyrrurgh

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

The lads discuss grains and slam ancient wheat, Oobah Butler's upcoming documentary where he takes on Amazon, Pierre's bed update, the lads discuss the hyeeerugh singing style of Metallica and Pearl Jam, Correspondence: Rowan's scam friend and Lewis's am-poo-lance story Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. It's Bud Pod. It's 237. 237. 237.

Oh, man. 237 oh man 7 always gets me by surprise because I've done heaven so many times get them 237 new peas get them that's me at my pea

restaurant that's good and I've just cooked a batch of peas I'm like come and get them that's me at my pea restaurant that's good and i've just cooked a batch of peas i'm like come and get them come and get the peas a batch of peas a batch of peas of that yeah yeah i guess you'd cook a batch of peas how would you cook a batch of peas in a way that is new oh the new that just means freshly cooked oh okay because it has to rhyme with two oh yes i thought you meant news in like you've never had peas like this like like right yeah these have got tarragon in them or something right or new potatoes yeah why are these new why are new potatoes new that's what i'm thinking of are they new because someone grew them to have such thin skins right so that like

a new breed of potato? New type of potato. Is that it? I guess it must have been a big difference from when all potatoes were like jacket potatoes, right? Where you go, this thing has got like leather on it. There is on potatoes, yeah. This thing has a hide. Yeah. And they were all like purple and yellow.

Well, I guess they are yellow now. It was all purple and red originally. Yeah, yeah. Like corn. The original color of corn, you're like, what? It's like rainbow time. Yeah. yellow well i guess they are yellow now it's all purple and red originally yeah yeah the original color of corn you're like what it's like rainbow time yeah full on full on america's south america's rainbow yeah imagine how gross um tortillas used to look all blotchy and purple and red also the corn used to be even harder to read i, it's been bred to be fleshy. The current corn is the fleshiest corn maize has ever been. Corn's never been fleshier than right now.

So imagine what the people in the Americas were having to use before the 1400s. Have you seen early wheat? We're talking about ancient grains like these are rock bands yeah early wheatus no not wheatus wheat actually no wheat have you seen this early wheat it's like grass you get by the side of the road. Right, right. With like two thin fronds of what might be grain. Yeah, it's like two feet high and it's all scraggly. And there's like kind of some seeds in like a clumpy small version of what you think of as wheat at the end. Yes. And you go, I look at those and because I'm normal, when I look at those, I immediately think, fucking hell.

because I'm normal when I look at those I immediately think fucking hell just how many of those do you have to clump in your little monkey hand before you can kind of make even the shittest piece of bread yeah oh how do you even figure out that's food in the first place I was thinking how hungry did we used to be you just look at the top of that wisp and go I'm eating it I don't care I don't give a fuck I'm eating it no but if we could find some berries there are no berries man and then you eat it and I was like how is it and go horrible didn't taste I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I'm eating it. No, but if we could find some berries. There are no berries, man. And then you eat it and everyone's like, how is it? And you go, horrible.

Didn't taste like food. But I bet if I laid it out for ages and then smashed it with some stones and then made it wet again. And then made it gloop. And then made it hot again and made it dry again. I reckon I could eat that. I think it'd be okay. It would be full of bits of stone and husk, but it would be better than constantly chasing through the wet, wet thorns for berries and rabbits.

Yeah. That's my theory. Man, they must have been hungry. Just awful. Awful. Eat the tips of grass. All those people who are like, I eat the caveman diet,

and they just eat like fucking beef mints and you go, where are you getting beef? You should be eating the tops of bits of grass and panicking. You should lose weight through the sheer panic of all the bits of grass you eat. Eating like rotting, the rotting deer, a rotting corpse of a deer that a carnivore has thankfully left weeks ago yeah and you're salvaging i like um i like how one of the ways that we hunted was because we're one of the only animals that doesn't move in sprints and bursts oh we move in we can just be like the electric slide yeah yeah we're the only animal that electric slides

we're the only animal that electric slides we're the only animal that can pop and lock um but working our way through like no other animal can just like jog for hours right just yeah right like a marathon oh i see i see no other animal really does that we only yeah we only do bursts yeah so like antelopes and stuff they they'd sprint and then they kind of stop don't they yeah and they sprint and they outrun the line and the line and the antelope both stop like oh jesus like that whereas if you're just like like to early animals humans were like to terminate it right not the fastest but they just don't stop they're just just jogging after you so if you're a deer you're just like what oh god again you sprint and then you're safe and then what's that

coming over the hill it's that hairy guy from before just just jogging like there you can hunt a deer like that they have a heart attack they'll die right right from exhaustion they just just go this this can't be how i live and they just die right and then it's you've got this like imagine that even you can't even imagine like a chimp jogging how with his fists up like up against his face yeah yeah and it's like not that fast but it's not stopping yeah yeah in in a circle around a field what's it getting ready for exercise no that would panic me because i know that chimps getting enough. He's trying to get even more for a project. It would be quite unsettling if you walked past an enclosure and looked in and one of the chimps just had a sweatband on.

Who would he get that from? He really quickly took it off when he saw you noticed it. You call over the zookeeper. They're doing athletics. What was that, a Livestrong bracelet? Where'd you even You can't even get those anymore He's like all

The chimp's like embarrassed They're like turning away Hey hey Oh Speaking of peas As we kind of initially were I want to plug Uber butlers got a new thing coming out. If you're listening to this on Wednesday, it's coming out.

Is it on the 19th? I think it's coming out on the 19th. Let me check this. I'm being dumb. It's basically, you might know Uber Butler from, did you see when he got like uh his his garden shed to be like the top rated restaurant on trip advisor that was him i thought that was him yeah he's kind of a um he's sort of a sasha baron cohen for the digital age yeah it's it's not pranks in the sense of like he doesn't do a silly voice or put on a silly costume particularly it's not pranks in the sense of like he doesn't do a silly voice or put on a silly costume

particularly it's not like a character no but i mean in his interactions with the with the real world i guess it's kind of chris morrissey it is quite chris morrissey like yeah exactly yeah yeah trying to get real figures to admit to um yeah to embarrassing things or crazy things yeah 19th of october 10 p.m channel 4 basically he takes on amazon he um he's what can i say about it because i've seen i've seen a secret advanced copy phil wow i've seen a secret advanced copy in a manila folder and some of the stuff listeners i can't tell you because it's embargoed under press law or request i love being embargoed i feel like i'm a ship or something yeah exactly exactly so uh he went undercover at amazon and was accidentally part of their union busting ah right so they've been trying to fuck over people trying to make a union

yeah so he was part of the union busting force by accident right yeah uh he became a vigilante filling in potholes and tricked amazon into paying for potholes around the uk to get filled in oh wow using a very clever method that i will not reveal oh wow um and that's embargoed and that's he did something very funny with um bottles of piss yeah well and he did something funny with weaponry not since the aviator have you seen bottles of piss be put to such a good effect exactly exactly it's really great it's i it's so and it's funny like i you know comedians comedians are very simple people in some in one particular way definitely we will always respect something funny yes that's all we need if something is funny we are able to look at it

and go you know what that was funny fair enough i like that yeah and and that is why um i'm just gonna adjust my my michael here um your michael phone i'm just gonna adjust my michael phone mr phone please call me michael phone was'm just gonna adjust my michael phone mr phone please call me michael phone was my m phone was my father um and uh that's why comedians will always admit unless they're really really uptight that donald trump is often very funny yes yeah unfortunately he's funny he is good um he's not funny in a way that's good for society or humanity but he is and and he doesn't i don't think ever means to be particularly i don't know anyway the point is performance art yeah yeah yeah there's something kind of um like found art just this guy's like

this isn't this funny anyway the point is it's really funny i did that's one of the things that struck me aside from the slight the sort of investigative journalism fucking with amazon part i just think this is really funny it's really nicely cut together um which is rare a lot of tv even that's supposed to be funny it's not very funny now no no because it doesn't always pursue what is actually funny i feel maximum jokes yeah I feel... Maximum jokes. Yeah. But yeah, so check that out. I highly recommend it. I have a lot of admiration for people with that kind of bravery to really get stuck into things.

And to spend all that time. I promise, I'm making a promise right now on Budpod, I will never get really fully stuck into anything in my entire life. Everything I do will be half-assed. It will be from a distance. It will be a light touch. I will never get my

hands dirty, no matter how worthy the cause. You are like Prince Charles at a fair. King Charles. Yes, call him by his name. This is a cause I will get my hands dirty for, Pierre. For your monarch. Call him by his name This is a cause I will get my hands dirty For your monarch Call him by his name

You're like King Charles at a fair Oh yeah You're at the fair I'm at the fair I'm nodding I'm smiling You're not gonna throw a coconut at the coconut shy No but I will stand hands behind my back

And watch a child miss before saying, nice try. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or making some joke about the fact that they're hairy. Yes. You might inspect a coconut. Yeah, yeah. Maybe throw it up once and catch it and then put it back down. Yeah, and sort of nod as if to say, yes, good.

This is one of my main worries as king, is these coconuts. Yeah. Yeah, do you think that's what you are like in life uh yeah yeah yeah yeah a semi-disinterested monarch or is that what you're going for fern has always chastised me as a malaysian prince really yeah because of how i interact with the world really yeah and maybe that's that's true that's funny what's the most malaysian prince thing you've done recently oh that's a good question it's gonna be hard to whittle down the most malaysian prince thing i've bought i've done recently is buy some new pasta bowls and a pair of japanese crackle glaze um turquoise bowl. What? Yeah, crackle glaze.

What is crackle glaze? It's like glaze that's been baked enough that it cracks a bit, and that forms a pattern. And the rim of the bowl is burnt. Maybe they're just fucked bowls, and they managed to sell them to me. You bought some fucked bowls, mate. I bought some fucking fucked bowls. The prince has been tricked.

The prince has been tricked Yeah, the prince has no bowls Only the innocent honesty of a child could point out Could see that the prince had purchased some fucked bowls As the others in the crowd cheered parade of bowls How marvellous the bowls were

they chanted. And the Grand Vizier licked the bowl and admired it. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Just like little delightful bits of crockery. That's quite princely. Yeah.

That's quite good. But then Fern likes nice things. Fern does like nice things. Yeah. Oh, a princely thing I did yesterday was cut a bit of skin off my hand uh grating cheese oh my hands cut very easily because the skin is extremely soft on them because i've never done any manual labor you cut yourself on bread the other day yeah it's actually part of my stand-up i remember that because i was that was one of the days where it was me you and paul going out on tour oh yeah it's a true of my stand-up I remember that because that was one of the days where it was me you and Paul going out on tour

oh yeah it's a true story and you cut your hand on bread on brioche I think it might have been sourdough oh yeah yeah okay a shard of sourdough well just holding it and cutting it because I just saw it with a bread knife and you know I moved

my finger across a particularly crusty peak of sourdough i guess and it cut broke the skin cutting yourself on sourdough is the least manual not the knife the bread the bread yeah the bread that's like some like old that's like some old black and white movie gag. Yeah. Like someone cutting up some bread with a knife and then going, oh, and dropping both.

And you see that the knife's fine, but they've impaled their foot with the bread. That'd be like a cartoon. That's like a Bugs Bunny joke. Yeah, or a fucking... It's a fairy tale. It's basically the princess and the pea. Yeah.

It's like they only knew he was the true heir to the throne when a slice of bread cut. He cut himself on some. The bread was too peasant-like. And too rough. Too rough and peasant-like. And cut his hand open. And the blue blood flowed out. The prince and the bread.

The prince and the bread. That's the parable. The Malaysian prince and the bread. There must be quite a few malaysian princes yes yeah there well there are nine sultans um of west malaysia east malaysia doesn't have any any kings um west malaysia does and they take turns on the throne i think it's nine states i think i think i need like i'm gonna check that yeah check Nine sultans And all of their kids are royals Right?

Yeah They must be princes How many? Who pays for it all? Is it like here? Is it just taxpayers? Or do they have some kind of Crazy private sultan stuff going on?

I imagine it's similar to here Yeah, nine kings Despite having nine kings Only one can serve As the country's head of state at a time. Yeah. Yeah, so nine of the 13 states and three federal territories are ruled by their own kings.

Do they do much locally? I don't know, because I never lived in a king one. Yeah. That's the other half of the big old country. Yeah. I never lived in a King One. Yeah. That's the other half of the big old country. Yeah. I never lived in a King One. People forget how much bigger other countries are than the UK. Yes.

Although population-wise, the UK is bigger than Malaysia. Yeah, but I found out the other day that our population is not that much bigger than Myanmar or Burma. Is it? Yeah. They've got like 60 million. Really? I think so, or 58. But like, in your head,

you just go, oh, Myanmar, oh, yeah, whatever. Yeah, that's what, 300,000 people? Yeah, seven guys. Seven or eight guys. Yeah. Can't get along.

There's like us, the more people, then, you know, China, America, and India have more people than us. And then every other country's like Iceland, 300,000 people. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Even France and Germany. There's only so many of them. It's mainly just tourists walking around. Germany is just like forests and factories and sausages. And then we're the fourth country that exists. We are the fourth country. After the three really big ones that we can't deny. Yeah.

Yeah, it's deny. Yeah. Yeah. It's mad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to, speaking of countries, I'm going to New Zealand and Australia in a bit. Oh. End of the month.

End of the month. If you're in Auckland or Australia, please come to my tour shows. I'll be in Auckland on the 2nd of November and then around Australia until the 15th or something like that. Sorry I'm just really noisily adjusting my... I'm just going to do my Antipodean plug while you... Hang on. I might be interrupting it with horrible noises.

Oh no. I'm going to hold the pop shield in front of me like a courtesan with a fan. That's my plan. Oh yes. Alright. Let's try that again do the plug okay i'll be in auckland on the second of november and then touring around australia yeah um brisbane at some point and it's not necessarily in order brisbane sydney melbourne perth sorry if i'm i think that's it sorry if i'm not going to your place you should be i didn't it wasn't my decision totally how long are you gone for i am gone for two and a half weeks it's a long time to be away from here it's a long road to fly to Australia that's good

thank you that's a very 90s yeah it's that Metallica Pearl Jam sort of yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

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yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah to that sound i feel like was it the creed was creed the last band to truly do it because maybe nickelback was the last uh there was a bit of it must have killed it there was a bit of it in nickelback yeah look at this photograph yeah every time i do it makes me laugh how did that voice sound sometimes when there's like a generational sound like that, you just think, there must be a first guy. Often when you look at music history, you look back at like, you go like, well, who started Woke Up This Morning?

You know, like who did that? And inevitably it's like Blind Willie Jefferson. And it's like a particular guy who everyone credits with like, no one ever talked about how they woke up until Blind Willie Jefferson. And it's like a particular guy who everyone credits with like, no one ever talked about how they woke up until Blind Willie. Yeah. And there's like all these like old, like barely rescued vinyls of really rare recordings that sound really bad. Yeah.

Like not musically, but just like, and you can kind of hear the old Blind Willie Jefferson picking on his banjo. Yeah. So who is that going to be? Like some VHS in the 90s? Some kid in a garage just going Right, yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. It must have came out of 80s glam rock. It must have started in the 80s because Metallica and Pearl Jam are also 80s bands. But who was going in the 80s? Well, certainly initially Metallica and Pearl Jam, but someone before that, surely.

Interesting. Who's the origin point of... Imagine we find some old recordings of Frank Sinatra going, Fly me to the moon. And you're like, what? Started here. I want to be a part of your... New York.

Just in this insane, like, end of the sound. Je regrette rien. He's like, what the hell? Je regrette rien. God save a grace queen. It's that old. Hundreds of years old. Secret.

Maybe that's it. There's got to be an origin point someone will know but i don't even know what to google when did people start going how do you write how do you spell how would you even try e r a e y r e e e y e r e a h yeah yeah something like that E-Y-E-R-R-E-A-H? Yeah. Something like that? This is the kind of thing where we have to invent a symbol. Like musical notation. Yeah.

It's like, no, no, a pound sign means... A pound sign means to sing it like Metallica, like Pearl Jam. Yeah. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. Let me try that again. God, see you. Yeah, it has to have the Italian. See you.

It has to have an Italian note there. It has to be like Metallicaissimo or something. Metallicissimo. Metallicissimo. That means... A la jam de pearl. A la jam de pearl. I realized the other day I never updated the listeners about

my mega bed oh yeah my gorilla bed my hard asphalt bed that you need because your butt has destroyed my concrete bed the concrete bed because my badonk has shattered every mattress that's ever

met at last a mattress that is a match for your ass a match ass mattress match ass a match a mattress mattress mattress yeah and it's worked does it yeah my back is much better my back hurts today but that's because i did squats yesterday i can see your bedroom now i'm tempted to go in and give that mattress a whack it's really it's firm as hell god it's you can ping right off it can i whack your mat you can whack my man i'm gonna go okay i'm gonna i'm gonna jog over i'm gonna i'm gonna smack a corner which i'm guessing is the cleanest part of any mat yeah well you don't know me mate oh no it'll be the firmest part as well the corner. Okay, I'm gonna give the corner. Do it feels going now. He's running a bit like Sasquatch. You're going the wrong way. Okay, he's entering the room now the bedroom. It's not a big flat.

He's tapping it. I can hear him tapping it. He's returning. He's giggling. Okay. He's back. Let's see. My reactions of the mattress, the hard mattress is more give than I thought. I thought it would actually be a hard block, but was able to shukuk shukuk shukuk but it is like if a sponge

was made of steel yeah so there's a bit of give but then it stops giving after a bit but it's like when I'm pushing down on it isn't like it's like it's very structural yes yes it feels like you're pressing down on the

on the internal skeleton of a skyscraper or something yeah it's what it would feel like to be king kong or godzilla a big mech yes smushing a big building it would feel like that yeah it feels like there's a steel lattice inside yeah and i hope there is is a springs very sprung a lot of sprungs there's a steel lattice inside yeah and i hope there is is a springs very sprung a lot of sprungs there's a lot of sprungs it seemed to need to be like forged by craftsmen is your back better now it's way better because i'm not sleeping in a ditch that's great or in a divot and how's your partner finding it she just pinged through the ceiling i I haven't seen her since. She went, well, good night. Bing!

And just... Left a Warner Brothers hole in the ceiling. Yeah, exactly. Arms and legs splayed. But the noise just went... It was that fast. Yeah, it's so fast, like the sound followed. Yeah.

She just went, and then a couple seconds went yeah yeah last scene uh destroying the international space station and killing every astronaut on board hammering through it very unlucky for them to be directly above my mattress at that point in low earth orbit or wherever they are well that's great i'm sleeping again highly recommend buying an insanely firm mattress if you don't want to wake up in a ditch if you got a ditch making butt if you got a ditch making butt whereas i found my mattress was too hard for a bit i had to buy softener i had to buy softener to put on top oh yeah i'm a malaysian prince yeah that's quite princely as well i see what fern's talking about I found my mattress was too hard for a bed, and I had to buy a softener to put on top. Oh, yeah?

I'm a Malaysian prince. Yeah, that's quite princely as well. I see what Fern's talking about now, actually, now that you've said it. Yeah. How did it work? Yeah. Yeah, I improved things greatly. Greatly.

How much softener? What is it, like a foot of foam that you just sellotape to the bed? It's like six inches, maybe. Four inches, even. not very much okay um it just it just it just adds another layer of softness on top of a mattress my mattress is quite firm with a bit of memory foam and i think maybe it's a bit too firm so i just had a little softness on the top someone was saying that um someone was saying that firm mattresses are a scam and actually you shouldn't but i think i think it's just personal i think everyone's got different like weight distribution of their body everyone has a different shape to their body um and needs support in different places yeah yeah

i think that's right i need to i need to redistribute some of my weight off my body, Phil. But I can't stop eating Mao Am. I ate so many Mao Am. I didn't see you going to Mao Am. But I can't stop eating Mao Am. Yesterday I ate a lot of Mao Am. The chairman's favourite sweet, of course, Mao Am. Yes, it's because Mao had someone who went, mmm.

And he'd go, mmm, Mao Am Hungry. Mao Am Hungry for more of those sweets, whatever they're called. And people said, good news, your highness. How would you address Comrade Chairman? I guess. I guess he'd be Chairman. Great Helmsman. Yeah.

Mao Am, man. In those strips, not the balls. I didn't know they came in balls. Yeah, you can get a ball on Mao Am. Mao Am balls. Little gumball looking things hi caramba no thanks you know what i had recently that i forgot what i really liked chocolate hobnobs yeah sometimes you go back to the classics and you go this is why they're classics there's a little oatiness there yeah there's a chocolate in us there with a cup cup of tea. You dunk it in the tea. You eat it.

Oh, it's nice. Secret hack apparently is to eat it upside down. What? Yeah. Why? Well, the biscuit, not you. I should clarify. Then the chocolate hits your tongue, mate.

Right. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I think that's also how you're supposed to eat sushi. With the chocolate on your tongue. I think you're meant to put a bit of soy on the fish and then put it down on your tongue. That makes more sense. And you're meant to use your fingers, not chopsticks.

You're meant to use fingers. Sushi finger food. Yeah, finger food. That can't be right. Is that true? Yeah. But then why? Because we do things wrong,re because we do you and i do even though we think it is right it's wrong it's actually been wrong

this whole time it's actually wrong i i really hate those articles and podcasts which are called called things like you're wrong about yeah yeah give me a break i'm trying my best why don't you fuck off you're so clever are you this podcast is called a list of things you didn't even know i thought you knew but you're actually wrong because you're thick we're going to be busting some of the myths that fuckwits like you have in your head about obvious things in our opinion. It's like, I got to get this at work. I got to get this at home. And now I got to take it from you?

I got to take this at work and I come home. I want to relax. I got to take this from you, podcast? It's constantly being called an idiot by the internet. Just tweets, strap strap in fuckheads this is a thread about leonardo da vinci and how he was problematic yeah i'm not gonna read it i'm not gonna read it so you could say in a way he was really like a renaissance pirate shut the fuck up go back to school learn a skill i i my response to so many of those things

is always i don't know enough about what you're talking about but i have known enough about some things in my life to know that the people who talk like you are always wrong in quite not in a completely wrong but wrong in a few key areas that you've had to summarize for time slash humor purposes. Yes. And I know that you are not being rigorous and accurate like an actual academic would be. So don't pretend.

They're usually wrong about the element they're most excited about. Yeah, the bit where they say, you know, in a way papyrus was like the internet. And you go, it wasn't. They always make some mad claim with like modern relevance. And you go, it wasn't. It wasn't.

Yeah. It was a very important thing on its own. It's its own thing. It's its own thing. Speaking of hieroglyphics on scraps of old bamboo We should do some correspondence Washed up on the banks of the Nile

What is this? Moses in his cot And with him A bunch of correspondence Correspondence Okay, I'm gonna get my little mask up here. And we've heard from... Who have we heard from? That's the wrong email address.

I was about to say one of my own personal emails. We've heard from Rowan. Rowan. He's growing on me that's good um dear phil and pierre classic normal yeah yeah um in a recent episode of bud pod this is a while ago you mentioned not knowing of a modern version of pretending to be a foreign noble that would work as a scam these days i have no memory of this pretending to be a foreign noble okay so back in the day over back in the day people used to come here pretending to be the grand vizier from somewhere yeah somewhere or maybe it was like me pretending to be a sultan from the east and getting favors because of that and we said like you you can't do that anymore

just because of social media and you're so easy to check if you actually are the king of somewhere yeah exactly yeah so he says uh i present to you someone who i went to school with called alex wood okay who ran a semi-successful scam on hotels pretending to be the duke of marlborough oh wow so there's a bbc news article about this guy and he ran up a bunch of hotel bills in like mayfair right and then pay them well no that's the point of the scam yeah yeah otherwise you're just an eccentric man spending his own money yeah but how did he get away by not paying them he didn't that's why he's in the news that's why we're hearing about how did he get away with one to to make it a number of them i'm not sure actually that's a good point so let's see because like there's a certain level

of service at these hotels where if you just go yeah i don't know if you'll contact my estate yeah yeah and then like you've got 24 hours to go apeshit yeah and just order room service and something like that. Yes. Oh, okay. These are some gentleman's agreement hotels. Yes, that sort of thing. And he made up some your 8000 pounds of bills in Mayfair, Canary Wharf and South Kensington, of course. Gosh, Yeah, there was no real plan there. This is 2015. This is a while ago. Rowan continues.

He says, Koji Rowan. And he says, P.S. He went on to less savory schemes, conning family-run businesses out of nearly two million pounds after he got out and is back in prison. So not a great guy. Oh, wow. Yeah. He went to school with... With Rowan.

With Rowan. Yeah. Gosh. wow yeah i went to school with um with rowan with rowan yeah gosh yeah i guess i guess racking up hotel bills maybe is the the gateway drug to full-on scams yeah this is the dark side of of the risk taking that uber butler was doing taking on amazon channel 4 watch it watch it watch it i think watch it like be careful watch it don't enter the dark side yeah well maybe well maybe because maybe if you think louis theroux or darren brown ever thinks like i could rob a bank i could fucking do it man yeah darren brown surely has the power

it's too yeah unless he's lying about everything. Maybe he already has, and we all just have been tricked. We all think it's fine. We got a message from Lewis. Lewis, who is he? Lewis says, to poo it may concern. Very good. I'm a Bud Podpistorian.

Oh, I should say thank you, Koji, and thank you to all the bud pod bods who've seen me on tour in the last few weeks oh yes likewise and for the people who got in touch and explained that hypermobility could be ella danlos syndrome and is linked with autism i do know these things it's true really eds yeah i probably do have it what would something physical be linked to autism autism has a lot of physical aspects yeah they were learning more and more every day phil goodness stuff to do with the fibers of your nerve endings all kinds of things what oh my days it's a it's a way of life yeah well it's a it's a neurotype it's literally you

basically it's like saying brain shape it's not like a thing that you can take a pill to clear up like an infection i'm going blinking like this like a meme of a blonde guy going no it's a big uh it's a big deal there's all sorts of interesting and strange physical things popping up um i'm a bad part of historian finding it late in the covid near apocalypse and i'm wading my way through the delicious conversational sludge i love it and try to get in three or four doses a week. I'm on currently ep 127 and I'll see you in the pooch-a. That's good. I'll see you in the

pooch-a. We gotta go back, we gotta go shat, Marty. Shat to the pooch-a. Cack to the pooch-a. Cack to the Poocher Cack to the Poocher And the sequel Cack to the Poocher Poo Goodness sake Sharty McFlies

Nice Sharty McFlies I've been trying to sift through my brain vaults for a suitable tale to no avail until Poogate. He's figured out he remembers this story. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I joined the ambulance service in December 2019. Timing.

Wow. Oui. Good for you, but bloody hell. After I finished my initial training, I started on station in March 2020 and then the world shat itself joining the reserves like in 1936 or whatever 39 even just like the same year

oh yeah because it's like 3 months away 3 months apiece this guy wowee yeah that is very like another quiet day here on the Belgian-German border. Just something to... Just reason to get out, meet new people.

Yeah. My new green family and I waded through bodily fluids galore, attempting to dodge the dreaded 19. The dreaded 19? COVID-19. Oh! Yeah. Side note, I've caught the nifty blighter six times six

six COVIDs for this guy I'm still on one I'm on one confirmed one confirmed case I'm pretty sure I've had it a couple of times after yeah it can be quite hard to tell if you're vaxxed because you get symptoms but not it's not

registering on the sure sure but i guess if you're on the front lines oh yeah lewis is fucking drinking absolute pints of it after work every day somewhere in the furore of 2022 southeast england had a biblical amount of sky water which broke some underground piping so our station was flooded and unusable for many months all right looks for ambulance station the repair and refurbishment works were far from quick but resulting in a fully functional and fresh field building of course paramedics he's he's saying paras which to me is a parachute regiment soldier yeah but i guess it's paramedics in this of course paramedics He's saying paras Which to me is a parachute regiment soldier But I guess it's paramedics in this Of course paramedics need to plop

And some lovely new dump boxes were built for us Hooray But we can't use them without A little chuckle Without a little chuckle Right Because a month before the grand reopening An email from our dutiful management circulated

telling us of a nefarious yet giggly crime. The toilets were half built and not yet plumbed in. Visibly and existentially, they were nothing more than the three porcelain thrones aligned in an unplastered, unroofed brick box. It's like open air. Right, right, but going nowhere. Yeah, just in there. Connected to nothing. Yeah's like open air. Right, but going nowhere. Yeah, just in there.

Yeah, like an art exhibit. Les trois toilettes. Some unknown beast jester had taken a torrid shite in the middle pan. The whispers arose both on the station WhatsApp group and in person. There were factions of paramedics undertaking and ultimately failing the side quest to investigate and a portion blame what did he she or they wipe

with the facilities had no running water never mind double ply butt rags oh no oh no had they realized too late that they'd have to go it alone after dropping their bountiful butt bomb or had it been a premeditated attempt to sully the rising phoenix that was the new station? Why would someone do that? Nimbies. You know what this country's like, Phil. We get no new infrastructure. Yeah.

Ambulance times are too long, but I don't want them right next door. Yeah, what if they need to poo in a toilet? The worst thing is that the temporary, and perhaps more importantly fully functional portaloos were less than three meters away oh my god that is a key this is vandalism this is terrorism lewis i wish you'd mentioned that detail earlier because that changes everything this is a targeted attack there is no chance therefore it was a mistake no it can't have been a mistake. Exactly what they were doing.

One thing I can tell you about it is that the manager that broke the poo in use had to scrag and bag and discard the thing. Ugh. Man. I like to think he had to use a special ambulance poo knife. A shit scalpel, if you will. He doesn't like to revisit this particular moment in his career. Six months on, Poogate is still a source of intrigue

and 3am night shift giggles we often wonder if the culprit was a disgruntled builder, an ambulance worker or a wandering vagrant all hail the phantom parapour Koji Lewis P.S. my wife is an obsessive compulsive tat buyer and I have become

largely tat blind oh no he's tat blind he's tat blind now apart from this thing which annoys me on a daily basis see attached enjoy oh yeah that's irritating what is it um the image is a sort of sprig of flowers of some kind, like a branch and leaves and flowers, like laid out, you know, trimmed and laid on a page. And like a nibbed pen and like a glass inkwell. Yep. All in green, sort of laid out quite nicely.

Okay. And then the text says, Born blank, now I'm blank. Born blank, now I'm blank. It's not quite incursive. And is it to do with the pen and the inkwell? No, it's weird. The background is very much like, happy birthday, grandma, imagery.

But this caption is, yeah, born blank, now I'm blank. Born young, now I'm wise. That would be better than this. Born beautiful, now I'm kind. It's kind of a play on words. Oh. Born beautiful, now I'm kind It's kind of a play on words Born beautiful now I'm kind Kind of a play on words

Yeah kind of So the born blank on it's own is a common phrase Yeah And then now I'm blank Is the slightly like Oh okay okay Born different No i'm blank is the slightly like oh okay okay okay born different no that's even more uh of an obvious phrase than that born lucky born heavy born born to be wild now i'm tame that would be good if slightly heartbreaking okay i'll give

up i'll give up born free born free born free yeah come on phil born free now i'm expensive yeah very amusing so it's like what is that saying when i was a baby you could go out with me for free now that i'm an adult you have to pay me you have to buy me things when i was a when i was a baby i drink i drink carling and be happy but now i got i've got pricey at least back when i was a baby i didn't even want you to take me to a noisy restaurant. Now I'm an adult. That's what I want. When I was a baby, I just wanted to kick my heels up at home and smoke a dupe and just be a cool chick. I was a baby.

But now I want to be wined and dined. I want caviar. I want stockles. Yeah. As a baby, I only drank free tit milk. It's still kind of saying you want things for free, though. Yeah. Yeah.

It's actually more consistent than it appears. Oh, that's adroitly put. I drank for free when I was a baby, and I'm going to drink for free now. Yes. Different drink, different payer. Yeah, different payer yeah yeah same baby same little baby uh is that all the time we have that's pretty much all the time we have yes one pierre and i of course are on tour for a couple more weeks but for bud pod listeners pertinently bud bod christmas is on sale. Yeah, 15th of December.

Bud Pod Live at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London. Tickets are on sale on the Bloomsbury Theatre website. I suppose so. I suppose they better be. Come and get them. Yes, and also not to forget, you better not forget that I am on at the Leicester Square Theatre

doing the last ever outing of Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things, my hit fringe show, 2022. 23rd of November, Leicester Square Theatre, 7pm, baby. Come and see or don't come and see. Those are your options, but I would prefer it if you did the first one. It's a free country. It's a your options, but I would prefer it if you did the first one. It's a free country. But also, please do it. Yes, Australia, New Zealand,

I'm at you, coming at you in November. England, a few more dates, two more weeks, go on my website and see if I'm coming. Otherwise, talk to you soon. Bye! Smokey, Smokey, the journey is about half an hour.