BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 24 - Arthur's Pod

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

Arthur’s Pod! Churchill Brunch, Bristol Berlusconi, toasties, raw eggs, the sexiest animal to get the ladies, Fringe recommendations, Pierre and Phil nearly fought a racist, the precise arrangement of God’s dick and balls, censorship and some GREAT correspondence. IMAGINE doing an Okay Thank You to ISIS! Pierre does his Jacob Rees Mogg impression. Get in touch [e-mail] on Twitter @thebudpod ! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 24 of the Beaud Poud. What's that coming in over the... What's the Scottish word for a hill? Glen. Oh, the Glen? Why, it's Scotland music. Hi, me here, Phil Wang. And Pierre Novelli next to me, we are the Podbuds. We are the Podbuds this is episode 24

and that means dear listener that give or take a few minutes there is now a full calendar day of Budpod you could yeah exactly you can listen to an episode an hour like Jack Bauer you could listen to Budpod

from when the sun is in a particular place in the sky all the way through until the sun is in the same place in the sky the next day the 24 episodes is what we're trying to say so thank you for listening uh if you notice the quality of this episode is already better than last week's apologies again I sounded like I was trapped in a well but today we've picked up a brand new piece of kit. It's delightful. It's like it's from space. Yes.

Cruel and strong. Yep. Just making sure that gets in there. Pierre hates that noise. I hate it so much it makes my eyes hurt. Phil, speaking of eating, we all, as a flat, as an Edinburgh Fringe comedian's flat, we went for brunch, didn't we? Yes, we're very modern millennials spending all our deposit money on eggs Florentine. My God, we love to brunch.

whereas if you saved four to seven pounds a week on eggs benedict and saved it up every week for a hundred years you still wouldn't have enough for even a car so it's very important to save that money i don't understand criticisms against brunch from like older people who want us to be more frugal because what is more frugal than combining two meals into one? Right? That's some like wartime shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's like something that Churchill would announce. To keep morale up.

From now on there will be only two meals a day. Not for him, of course. But he needed his energy. He needed his energy for all them quips. All them hot quips. The original man with hot takes. He would have been great on Twitter, I reckon. Yes, but oh, drunk tweeting.

Problematic. Oh yeah, definitely. He would have got cancelled very quickly. Yeah, well he did get cancelled after the war. And then they brought him back. Oh, I don't understand this. What happened? They've re-elected him in the 50s.

Right, okay. Then they cancelled him again. Because that's democracy. Right. So, I guess a bit like when Doctor Who came back. Yeah. The inspiration for Doctor Who was all prime ministers. Because they regenerate.

And you still call them prime ministers. You do. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they pop out of a little magic door. And they travel through time only in one direction and not at the same speed everyone else does. But technically, time travellers.

They have incredible powers no one fully understands. And they occasionally wear a scarf. That is the end of my Doctor Who knowledge. They have an assistant. They have an assistant. And there is no agreement on the rules of what they can and can't do really. It's all based on convention and what the fans will

accept. And they've all been white. Am I right? Tut, tut, tut. Phil's got his justice cap on here at the Udumbra Frung. And it fits like a glove. But we went for brunch. We did go for brunch.

It was okay. We went to a place called... We were served by a hunchback. And it was 20,000 leagues. Did he write that? No, I think there was someone else, wasn't it? I don't know. Never mind.

Oh, well. But the service was terrible. We knew it was going to be terrible I'd been warned it was terrible a year ago this is a place in Edinburgh and we aren't slagging off the quality the food is excellent

and the ambiance is second to none is deuxième no one but the staff are not smart it takes a long time for things to arrive yeah

and when they do arrive on time they just go away for some reason at one point I was waiting for a sandwich and was given a card to put on the table

so they knew which table the sandwich was for and when I went to the toilet a waiter came and took the card number away and then the waiter

came back and couldn't find where the sandwich was meant to go because they'd the card number away and then the waiter came back and couldn't find where the sandwich was meant to go because they'd taken the number away themselves and then they walked away with the sandwich but one of our friends one of our party caught them and said oh that sandwich is for my friend into their eyes and they holding the sandwich looking into our friend's eyes heard this seemingly and then just kept walking away and didn't respond. Like a robot! It was genuinely odd. And as more, as like there was still food on the table and some food had just arrived, they kept, they don't give you salt and pepper

and they came and kept trying to take it away as if they only had one set of salt and pepper. It was super strange. If people are ordering eggs, they're going to want salt and pepper. Oh, what, Pierre? Don't you like the flavour of a neat egg? Your majesty. Sorry, I take my eggs neat. A double. Have you ever swallowed an egg raw like

the bad guy in Beauty and the Beast? Like Gaston? Well, no one swallows eggs like Gaston. Sorry, that point has been made very clear. If Well, no one swallows eggs like Gaston. Yeah, sorry. That point has been made very clear. If anything, their main thing was how unique he was. I've not.

I've swallowed an egg that was very nearly raw. Okay. Like an undercooked egg. Yeah, okay. I was in a rush and I blopped an undercooked egg into a sandwich. It was bad. I regret it. Albumen. It was bad. I regret it. Albumen.

It was full of albumen, listeners. It was gloopy and jizzy and it was not good in a sandwich. It was a horrible surprise. How has your Edinburgh fringe been otherwise, Pierre? This is the first time we've spoken, even though we live together. When we're not recording a Bud Pod,

Pierre and I ignore each other in the flat. We ignore each other for the sake of you, the listener. Yeah, we don't want to burn any gold. Yeah, it's really heartbreaking for us as well because we're good pals. And so we have to... Just look at each other and shed a single tear like a sad Native American and move on. It's like the fox and the hound. They go, oh, they want to be friends, but they can't be.

Yes, we haven't spoken. My fringe has been fine. We have been performing now for a week, for six days. Has it been already? Yeah. Oh, gosh, we've completed a full week. Yeah. Wednesday again tomorrow.

Man, oh, man. Absolutely crackers. I've seen lots of fun stuff, but mostly of people I know. I haven't seen any unknowns. I haven't let myself in for any surprises. fun stuff, but mostly of people I know. I haven't seen any unknowns. I haven't let myself in for any surprises. I had five days in a row where I said

to myself, I'm not going to drink tonight. I know the performers' bars are full of my friends and other comedians who I like and who I don't get to hang out with very much, but I'm going to go to bed. And that was a lie. Five times. Yes. What did you do instead?

Instead I had six pints. Mmm, that's a lot. Yeah, and spoke to all those friends of mine and woke up feeling swollen and bloated and fat. I've been eating like a man who just got out of jail. I think I've been eating

well, although I've just remembered that I literally have just finished an entire brick of galaxy chocolate on my own. I gave you a little bit for good luck, but I hate the lion's share of it. The wang's share. I had, when I said we went for brunch earlier, listeners, you need to know that I had two brunches.

I ordered two separate dishes. I had a Reuben sandwich and some fucking eggs. I had the same thing. Yeah, it was good though. And I've eaten a lot of bread and also there's a place that sells toasties

and the venue me and Philip are performing in and I bought an enormous toasty or grilled cheese sandwich if you're an American listener. You've had a lot of cheesy sandwiches today. Mate. It was full of macaroni cheese.

I got the macaroni cheese one. In a sandwich? In a massive sandwich. A macaroni cheese grilled cheese. Mac macaroni cheese one. In a sandwich? In a massive sandwich. A macaroni cheese grilled cheese. Macaroni cheese to get toasty. And I was eating it, and they don't... There's no way for them to seal the edges. Oh, they haven't sealed the edges of the bread, you see?

Yeah. Because they haven't, like, pressed it hard enough. And so there's, like, loose macaroni and cheese plopping out. In my case, burning the palm of my hand. Oh, man. And it was embarrassing and damaging. I remember growing up, we had for a brief spell this sort of toasted sandwich machine. The sandwich press.

The one that made the triangles. Yes. And it was so heavy. And it sealed the edges. It somehow sealed the crust. It was magical and nothing would come out. It was really amazing. We had one of those.

And it would be hotter than the sun inside. And it would seal the edges and it would burn the lines in, right? Like little lines on each half slice? Yeah, like the sandwich was an injured soldier in the Civil War. And they just had to seal a wound like this. And it would close up. A pirate who's lost an arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tsss! Like the sandwich has to bite on a piece of wood. Tsss! Tsss! That's where the phrase, that's where the phrase, bite the bullet comes from. What?

They would give them a bullet to bite down on. Oh! Which in those days was a big lead ball. Of course. Yeah. Oh, that's a good bit of knowledge. A good bit of triv-e-r. Hey, shout out to Podbud Mauro, who came to my show tonight.

He flew all the way from Portugal to the Edinburgh Fringe to watch myself and Pierre later on in the week. I think tomorrow even he tweeted us saying, can I see both of you at once? And we have an irritating 15-minute overlap. Yeah, it's torturous for any pod buds who only have a day here. 10, 15-minute overlap. I was prepared maybe to let him run out quickly enough to come and be a slightly late boy for you. There is a possible thing there.

But overall, he felt it was best to see me tomorrow which is to say on Wednesday and God bless you because tomorrow might be a bit low on numbers it's what they call Black Wednesday here isn't it Phil? Ah yes, it's the Wednesday after two for one days So basically listeners, for Monday

Tuesday they make it all two for one so all the boys and girls are very excited to come Grubby little boys and girls The church of dirty little boys and one so all the boys and girls are very excited to come grubby little boys and girls the church of dirty little boys and girls cheap little boys and girls Scots love a deal and so they all come and see the shows and then the Wednesday there's a big drop off because now it's back up to

full price mofos whereas Phil is sold out regardless yes although I imagine tomorrow's audience will be annoyed that they had to pay full price yeah they'll be you will come off stage covered in spit and with cuts

from all the bottles that have been thrown like a boxer wiping sputum off my brow sitting in a little corner chair being mopped down

yes by the coach but Mauro is a great audience member he sat at the front and he nodded at all the stuff that I thought were the most interesting bits in my show. So he agreed with me which bits were interesting.

He's in tune with us. He thinks we're right. Have you seen anything interesting, Philly? Have I seen anything interesting? I watched my friend Ollie Horn's show today now Ollie lived in Japan for a few years he got me out to Japan

this is your Japan connection a bunch of years ago I got a message on Facebook from a man I did not know saying would you like to come to Japan to perform comedy I know I don't know you but I promise I won't kill you and I said okay and I just got on a plane and flew to meet him and I never met. And that's good enough for Phil. That's good enough for me so here's a tip if you want me to fly to the country you're in just send me a

message and ask me to and I'll probably do it. And promise money. Promise some money just promise an experience and I'll be on that flight. But now Ollie has moved. He showed me around Japan. He's an impressive guy. He speaks Japanese very fluently. So he's a pervert. He is a pervert because he's not Japanese. And if you're not Japanese and have learnt Japanese you're up to something.

But Ollie's one of the good ones as far as I can tell. So his show's pretty neat. It's about how he got to Japan and all the weird adverts he ended up doing just because he was a white man um yeah a new swan he was out there news story broke about bellasconi and the the the news people the tv news people in japan were like we couldn't find anyone italian so could he was the only white person they knew who had any sort of screen experience really today can you come and talk about Berlusconi oh my god he's from Bristol and he said yep absolutely we can't believe Berlusconi Tony's behaving like this. He said, I was massively wrong-winged. They're all just going,

ah, this expert in Italian politics. I had a, my friend Callum, his older brother Alex, shout out to you guys. I think Callum is a listener. His older brother Alex was a DJ in Beijing. Wow.

How cool is that? Because he learned Chinese at university. And he would get loads of random white guy jobs, like just being in magazines, or they just pose with his product and whatever. Yeah, they've like these fake English-looking cities they've built from the ground up that they just populate with white men. They don't have to be English.

They don't have to be able to speak English. Just white men wearing like beefy hats just to stand around. Yeah, and did you know, Phil, there is a franchise of a random like rural yorkshire chippy a franchise of a a real yorkshire chippy yeah so there's a fish and chips place somewhere in i think in yorkshire and it's on the route of all the chinese buses of tourists and also it's part of the route because they go as part of your trip to england you know the wonderful ye olde shires we're trying to show you you get to go to this authentic fish and chips place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's where they all go. And so it's because it now has this massive reputation amongst Chinese tourists who've been to England. And some Chinese businessman approached the guy who runs the place, who is just a random old Yorkshireman. And we're like, we want to open a version, I think in Shanghai. And it's a carbon copy. Wow. It's like the same color, the same paint job, the same font on the letters, on the menus.

Oh, man. I hope he made some good yuan out of that. I hope so. Or yuan, rather. Yuan. Yuan. Yuan. The currency.

So he said yen. Yuan. Yuan. Yuan. I thought it was yuan. It's a tonal language renminbi is the other word for it

yes renminbi is the sort of stocks and trades finances word isn't it but look we didn't come here to talk about

currencies that's next episode yeah we came here to talk about sweet fucking oh god yeah

we shall go on to the end of brunch we shall brunch in france we shall brunch by the seas and by the oceans we shall brunch with growing confidence and growing strength in our wrists as we cut up even the toughest of hard-boiled or poached eggs. We shall defend our brunch, whatever the cost may be. Often it's a lot of money considering it's just for eggs. We shall brunch on the beach. We shall brunch near the landing grounds. We shall brunch in the fields and in the streets. We shall brunch in the hills, in a lodging, a sort of cabin, or sometimes a weekend breakaway. Maybe you rent a sort of cottages, very popular in Wales and North Yorkshire, that kind of thing. You can brunch there.

Anyway, we shall never surrender, sorry, to the idea that there should be more than two meals. And with the money we save by having only two meals a day, we will be able to purchase a single Spitfire by the end of 1946. Good luck. And don't ask about what I'm eating. There are, of course, lots of shows we can recommend. So friends of the podcast like George Forekis is up here with his debut hour. Yeah.

Go see that guy. Garrett Millerick, who we're living with, has a fantastic show where he's very angry. And it's very funny. So George Forekis is at the Pleasant Courtyard. Garrett Millerick is at the Tron. Glenn Moore. Yes. Is raking in the stars. Because he is a star.

And he's on the Pleasance Courtyard as well. So go see all of us. And you can do like the flat. You know what I mean? You can see everyone in our flat. Yeah, complete the flat. It's a new Edinburgh Fringe Challenge. Yeah, complete the flat.

And it sounds aggressively sexual, but it's not. Unless you want it. No, it's not. We were discussing, weren't we, Phil, the fact that the only single people in the flat are you and the dog. Yeah, only me and little Jeff. We're the only bachelors in the pad. You guys should go out drinking together more.

Yeah, he could be my wing dog. Go lick her leg. It's the kind of thing you can tell Jeff to do. You could live vicariously through Jeff. Yeah. What's the least useful pet for picking up ladies? Snake? You could use a snake to pick up weird chicks.

Like goth chicks? Yeah. A big python on your shoulders, right? Like a white snake album cover. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I reckon that would help really well. What would not... Tarantula?

Again, I think you'd pick up that kind of lady. Is there any animal? Cockroach. Cockroach, yeah. A tarantula? Again, I think you pick up that kind of lady. Is there any animal? Cockroach. Cockroach, yeah. If you were just like humming in cockroaches, they're just crawling all over your body. Yeah. There's even the stinkiest of ladies.

Would it be keen on you if you had a horrible cockroach body? Like a big scarecrow filled with bugs. Oh, wow. Yeah. So don't do that, filled with bugs. Oh, wow. Yeah. So don't do that, Phil. I won't do that. Yeah, okay, I'll try not to. I've just been busy.

I haven't even had a chance to entice a lady with a six-legged beast. Phil's married to his work, listeners. I'm married to my work, by which i mean i'm slowly falling out of love with it you're starting to view it as more of an obligation than a pleasure yeah your relationship was initially spontaneous and has now become formalized and ritualized yes regimented and routine yeah this is a very good analogy uh But I do still, I still love it. I still love it. The relationship has changed,

but there's still love at the corner, really. We should, we should, do you think we're ever going to be bothered to go and see something really bad? I was talking about this to my friend earlier today. There's a bit of a culture here of comedians going to see shows they know are going to be terrible for fun.

And I've never been able to bring myself around to do that. I just think it's too mean. And I like to think of myself as a mean fellow if I want to be, but I find that too mean. I think it can be mean. You need to probably already have a different reason to not like the person.

Yeah, I think you need to be already have a different reason to not like the person. I think you need to be confident they are a bad person and deserve that humiliation. Yeah, they need to have earned it. Because if they're a real sweetheart and they just suck, then that's not fun. That's not fun. They're a sucky sweetheart.

Old sucky sweets. When will their year come? But yes, I think you can be a mean boy but you're a mean person in a very efficient, targeted way. Me? Yeah, I hope so. You very rarely spaff meanness in a wide arc. Yes, my meanness is precise and deserved. It's quite subtle as well because you, Phil, not only due to your personality type, but also due to the fact that you

are a Chinese fella, you view tremendously public displays of emotion as something akin to a personal failure. Yeah, to an extent. It's sort of the best avoided. People on social media is very fashionable now to be going,

we need to talk about mental health. And I'm sitting here going nah to be keep it to yourself keep it to yourself we've got things to do okay phil's phil's very much buttoned up like that and to my knowledge you've only been directly uh rude to someone's face when you were sick of them once when was this uh it was at the fringe i think two years ago, where you were in a members bar. Listen, because we're really cool, we get to drink in a different shipping crate to the customers. They lock us in a big box and they call it a members bar, and it's lovely.

They hang a plastic chandelier and we go, ooh, we've earned this. Yeah, we go, ooh, blue lighting. And we drink there and they open till 5am, and it's brutal. It was a certain person we know who was talking to you in a very kind of ironic way. That's very hard to interpret.

Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes. And he said something like, like, oh, just fuck off or something like that. And he just walked away. And when you told me, I punched the air. And I did a little dance. I was like, yes, yes, justice.

I was just so into it. A man almost tried to start a fight with you here in the Pleasant's Dome. Yes, and I was willing to fight him because I think he did an Asian bow at you. Did he? You know, he was coming down the stairs. Yeah. He was all pissed. Yeah.

Well, as he was walking between us, he did that long bow. I just presume he was so drunk that he just didn't know. He put his hands together and did a all pissed. Yeah. Well, as he was walking between us, he did that long bow. I just presume he was so drunk that he just didn't know... He put his hands together and did a big bow. Did he? Yeah. I didn't even see that.

And I'll be honest, the reason he wanted to start a fight with me is because I kicked the back of his leg as he walked past. Because he was stumbling and knocking into us and he'd done a racist bow. So I thought,

well, fuck you too. I didn't even see the bow. Yeah. And I put my foot under his foot as if to say, get out of our way. Listen to this guy. It was like eyes in different directions, shaved head, thug.

And then he turned around and asked us if we had a problem. We went, no, do you have a problem? And he went, no, and walked away. Well, I say walked. Bowed away. Yeah. He bowed into the horizon. He bowed at us again, respectfully, and walked away.

Yeah, he was walking like Ratatouille. Shit, I didn't see the horizon. He bowed at us again respectfully and walked away. Yeah, he was walking like Ratatouille, you know. I didn't see the bow. I just thought it was part of his general drunken wobbling. Yeah, he did a bow and it took me like,

it was only once he'd already walked away that I thought that was more racist than I gave it credit for and I should have punched him. I was like, because he wasn't like a big guy.

No, he wasn't. And he was completely, he did not have his faculties about him. He couldn't, like, his eyes couldn't focus on our faces to try and look threatening at us. Yeah. So he ratatouillied away,

and I went and said to some of the venue security, there's a chap over there who you might like to make friends with. Right. He's very charismatic. Was that the code you used? Basically. And you turn around,

and they're like just having a drink with him, and he's just going, hey, this guy's pretty neat. Thanks, Pierre. He's cool. We have great taste in people. He keeps bowing. He kept bowing at me. Yeah, so that was a strange moment. And also, a friend of ours had a

sort of racial mix-up the other day where he got called the wrong name, but we haven't got to the bottom of that yet. Oh, yes. More on that when we know who did it, listeners. Ooh. It turns out in the UK, people really can't tell South Asians apart. Or South Asian?

Or East Asians. I've been called Ken Cheng a couple of times. Really? Yeah. This month? Well, not this month, no. But in general? In general, yes. Well, we've had mutual confusions.

Which is amazing because you are two feet taller than Ken and you have different faces. But we're always at a distance from the audience so you can never really tell. People are always surprised when people meet me in person, they're like, wow, you're a lot taller than I expected. Yeah.

Which always takes as an insult because it kind of means I think of you worse. Yeah, I get that. Or people say, I don't remember you being this tall which is worse because they did meet me

and they still went, oh, what a dweeb. In the head. What a horrible little goblin. I like to think it's because I am so humble. Yeah, I don't imprint. I don't like to take up space.

They say that about some people that some people don't imprint as humble. Yeah, I don't imprint. I don't like to take up space. They say that about some people. Some people don't imprint as tall. Ugh, imprint? Like in your memory, in your memory foam. So in your memory foam, exactly. That's what I call the brain. Oh, my memory foam.

The best memory foam of all. The brain. That's like something that someone would say who is against memory foam the best memory foam of all the brain that's like something that someone would say who's against memory foam the only memory foam I need in

my life is the brain like the mattress in my skull like when people who like really religious

people who don't drink like the only drink I need is some of God's delicious water or whatever that sounds

foul yeah it's so awful it sounds like wee wee drinking some of God's wee wee do you. That sounds foul-ous. Yeah, it's so awful. It sounds like wee-wee. Drinking some of God's wee-wee. Do you think God's wee-wee would taste really good or really bad?

Does God have a digestive system? Does he excrete? It used to be a terrible swear word in medieval times to say anything about his body existing. He said God's blood and that became Od's blood.

Right. Or Gadzooks was something like God's guts. Zucchinis. God's penis. God's zook. God's many penises. God has three in one penises. But he made man. Yeah. Sorry ladies. He made man in his image, which means that his image is a dick and balls. I imagine that God's penis is perfectly reasonable. It's not like a kind of circus penis. Like a ridiculous penis. Like with makeup on it. A big red nose.

I imagine that God's penis is like, it's aesthetically perfect. Sure. Straight like a rod. A God rod. That's what he calls it, God rod. Lovely colour. Pillowy to the touch, yet strong and firm. And neat balls.

Very neat balls. Neither lower than the other. yet strong and firm and neat balls very neat balls neither lower than the other and a very tasteful tuft of pubic hair just above the base of the penis not too dangly no

and controversial as to whether he'd be circumcised or not yes wow now that's one for any theologians listening. That's got to be a hard one. Would he have a snippy snops? Because he used to want snippy snops and then according to Christianity,

he said, you know what? Don't worry about it. I've got all the dick ends I need. To some people, he wants snippy snops. To others, he doesn't. Maybe he's got like a convertible. Yes, his can like clip back. Yeah, you can drive his penis down the west coast of America. And if it rains, he has to put it forward. It's amazing to think that

even in the country we live in now, the UK, everything we've just said would have been illegal to say and broadcast like not long ago. 15 years ago or something? Well technically 15 years ago until the Stuart League helped the blasphemy law get struck down but definitely illegal and like enforceable 50 years ago. Even in the 60s.

Extraordinary. Astonishing. There used to be a guy called the Lord Chamberlain whose job was to read all the plays. Really? Oh, so he was like the... Is he the guy who signs a certificate at the beginning of movies and cinemas? Basically, yeah. Well, he was the official censor.

So when you went to see a play back in those days, someone would walk on with this little signed thing. Yeah, he says it's fine. And it would get bigger and bigger and bigger. And then disappear. But that's why I think that's where blue comedy comes from because parts of plays and books and things

that were too obscene would be underlined in blue. Oh really? I think so. That's what I've heard. That might be one of those urban myths.

Yeah, it sounds a bit too neat. But the Lord Chamberlain would genuinely send you your play script back and tell you if it could be on a stage and what you had to cut.

Imagine going to prison because you said something mean about a fictional character. That's Twitter. I think Harry Potter was a fool. There we go. That's me cancelled. Get your cancellation out of the way. Do you think one day social media cancellations will be like chicken pox?

Get your kid cancelled when he's five. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then he's cancelled and he doesn't have to worry about it. Sure. Terrible of you to assume a son, Pierre. Double cancels. Already? So quick. Oh, no.

If you get cancelled three times in a row, anyone can murder you. It's like being an outlaw. It's not illegal to kill you. What are you going to get cancelled for, Phil? I'm going to get cancelled for that sun thing. I'm going to get cancelled for most of what I say in my show. Well, I'm going to get cancelled probably for something I'm not willing to say right now

for that very reason. Oh, the secrets. Yes. I did Katie Story, who is my producer and a very good producer and is also living with us because she and Glenn are an item. They are courting. They're a power couple. She shared a very funny tweet, which was from someone saying like, we all in our hearts know the reason we'll get cancelled eventually. Yes, it's true.

Which is an amazing thing because that's like something from East German society, isn't it? We all in our hearts know why the state will eventually kill us. Yeah. We all know our weakness and loyalty to the state. And you just have to hope that everyone else gets cancelled before you, or your future councillor is cancelled before you, or you cancel your councillor before they have a chance to cancel you. That's the old phrase, isn't it?

Who cancels the councillors? Who cancels the cancellers? Who cancels the cancellers? Queez. Queez. Oh, God, what is it? Queez cancelum ipsos cancelodes. I don't know. I never did Latin.

Well, that was a valiant attempt, considering. It was gibberish. But I seem like the kind of person who might have done Latin. it was gibberish but I seem like the kind of person who might have done Latin oh and thank you for someone on Twitter

who tagged me in a thing about crests that was very good oh and we should post I put on Instagram I don't know if we mentioned it enough that listener I can't look you up now

I'm very sorry but you did us a crest yeah it was a beautiful crest a lot going on beautiful there was a poo and a bin bag bin bag

and the South African flag a vertical but like yeah It was a beautiful Crescent. A lot going on. Beautiful. There was a poo and a bin bag. Bin bag. And the South African flag, a vertical. And in the halves, sort of halved with the Malaysian star and moon. Yeah, star and crescent. Amazing. Amazing. Check it out on the Twitter or the Instagram if you haven't already. Nice. Nice.

Mmm. Ring letters. Keep your coolest emails. Follow me on Instagram. have it already nice correspondence correspondence time correspondence and again we do read all your correspondence but we can't get back to all of you but we do appreciate it and love you very much with our hearts and eyes and bums and winkies. Dave gets in touch. Oh, hey, Dave.

Come on. Save the Dave. Nice. Instead of save the date. That's good. And also he's a TV channel. Ah, yes. Dear PNP Podcast Factory,

well, I have to say episode 22 was something of an emotional rollercoaster thanks to all the spooky talk. Spooky. What spooky talk was in episode 22? All the hags and the nightmares. Oh, of course. Hey!

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. To start out with, I was on a run after dark and Phil started talking about his hag hallucinations or hag-lucinations. And this was not too bad at first even though I was starting to get a bit twitchy the longer you went on.

Then you suddenly started doing the horrible hag laugh and I absolutely shat myself. Oh good. And I started running much faster out of a pure shit-up-edness only to come harrying around a corner to be confronted by an old lady. No way. And her two scraggly dogs.

And I let out a high-pitched yelp of fear. I'm not sure which of us was more scared, but I didn't hang around to find out. That's like, hello, Joe, from The Simpsons. Hello, Joe. Hello, Joe. Yeah. As if to add insult to injury, later the same night,

after having gone to bed, I had the earphones in again, listening to the podcast. Oh, no. And just as I started dropping off to sleep, the bloody sketch where Phil acted out his hey, hallucination came on, waking me up and causing me to let out another yelp.

Causing my wife to think I was having a mental breakdown. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you managed to scare the bejesus out of me not once but twice in the same night well done keep up the good work and of course keep jacking it Dave thanks Dave I'm terribly sorry to hear that I fame well not famously I tell people I don't like

scary movies I don't like being scared I don't consider it entertainment so I'm sorry to have facilitated that for yourself I never imagined people running to this. I suppose you should. And I especially don't imagine people falling asleep to it. I can't fall asleep listening to things.

I used to compulsively fall asleep listening to things. It's insane. It just keeps playing. It does keep playing but eventually in a half sleep, generally about an hour and a half, and I know this because I would see when I had paused it or taken my headphones out, about an hour and a half in your brain this because I would see when I had paused it or taken my headphones out about an hour and a half in your brain just goes

no I'm asleep now and you kind of mush your headphones off it can't be good for you it can't be good for your mind I don't know because eventually

it's not on anymore and you can have little fun apps where it like slowly fades out over time as well oh really there's all sorts of things

but like it's funny that I used to do it compulsively and now I absolutely couldn't manage it like I absolutely couldn't manage it. I genuinely couldn't do it anymore. Nadia gets in touch. Nadia, what do you have to say?

It's spelled with a J though, so I hope I'm saying Nadia as in it's a Y. It's like a Spanish J. No, that's a J. That would be Nadja. Nadja. Anyway. I hope that isn't the actual pronunciation. Well, won't we seem like cunts? Hi, Pierre and Phil.

I've been considering writing to you both about this for a while, and I can't keep it in any longer, which is how I imagine Slowpooer feels when he finally goes to poo. I don't know how relevant this is to the story, but I live in Norway. I'm half Norwegian and half English, but my dad's family is originally from Iran, hence an Arabic surname.

I don't know if they do this in the UK, but there seems to be a thing where ISIS, the terrorist organization ISIS... Go on. ...looks people up in our version of the Yellow Pages who have Islamic or Muslim last names and cold calls them. No way! So I'm on my lunch break at work one day... Does it come up as no caller ID, do you reckon? I think it comes up as ISIS. The caliphate.

So I'm on my lunch break at work one day, and I pick up the phone, as I'm waiting for a different phone call anyway, and someone says, hi, sister. She says, I can't remember his name, but I think it was Abdullah. So this guy goes, hi, sister, I'm Abdullah, and I'm calling from Islamic State. No way. And I said, sorry, I'm at work, so I can't talk. Okay, but I think it was Abdullah. So this guy goes, hi sister, I'm Abdullah, and I'm calling from Islamic State. No way. And I said, sorry, I'm at work, so I can't talk. Okay, thank you.

And I hung up. No way. Be one of our listeners. Okay, thank you to ISIS. That is extraordinary. That's got to be our best ever okay thank you. I think the best ever okay thank you is when you're okay thank you, a recruiter for a terrorist organisation

unless anyone from Northern Ireland wants to email it and say okay thank you to someone from the IRA or the UDF

I mean I suppose technically it's okay shukran okay shukran yeah yeah yeah is there a different way of saying okay in Arabic

shukran is thank you shukran is thank you yeah what's okay in Arabic do you reckon they have a different okay of saying okay in Arabic? No, shukran is thank you, right? Shukran is thank you, yeah. What's okay in Arabic? Do you reckon they have a different okay? I don't know, because okay is sort of okay, because it comes from a sort of, it's a publishing term originally,

and then it became a word. So I think it's the same everywhere. But I ain't sure. So yeah, she goes, and I felt weird for the rest of the day. Keep jacking it, Nadia. Actually, she says, I felt weird for the rest of the work keep jacking it, Nadia actually she says I felt weird for the rest of the work day which implies that she really is good at compartmentalization

incredible compartmentalization skills there from Nadia that's incredible so yeah, I got a call from Isis today sorry, I don't want to bring work home sorry, sorry, how was your day? that's extraordinary, Nadia.

Well done for saying no. Well, sort of. Actually, you didn't say no. You said you were busy. You said, if only ice is called on such a slower day, then I'd have time. We have another good OK, thank you from Brendan. That's amazing.

That is insidious, though. But I guess why not? Why not just call people up? I think the one thing we can say about ISIS is that they're known for their risk-taking. They're bold. They're bold boys and girls. And girls. Brendan has another good OK Thank You.

Brendan, Brendan. Our new friendon. Nice. Thanks. Dear Phil and Pierre. Traditional. Yes. Let new frienden. Nice. Thanks. Dear Phil and Pierre. Traditional. Yes. Let's bring it back to the classics.

I'd like to share an OK thank you moment that happened to me recently. I'm currently holidaying in the Philippines. I'm spending an awful lot of time relaxing on the beach. Quite the opposite of a bum bum day. The me peens. The me peens. The Philly peens. Yeah.

If you had more than one peen, you'd have Philippines. But instead you just have a Philippine. It's the old Greek word for lover of pines. Bum bum day. Yes. On this particular day, I was watching an episode of Comedians in Cars getting coffee on my tablet computer. Which we have yet to be invited on, Mr. Seinfeld.

Jerry. We drink coffee literally every day. What's the deal with that, Jerry? Yeah, yeah. A Filipino man approached me and tried to sell me some polished shells. Okay. Which I made clear I didn't want to purchase. He noticed I was watching a TV show and asked if I would mind if he sat beside me.

I explained that it's a show where comedians break down the intricacies of comedy and that it's very funny. From what he could see, a show with Jerry Seinfeld and Tracy Morgan casually talking over coffee wasn't funny at all. I mean, he's not completely wrong. This Filipino shell salesman's got up to something.

I was left around the... Oh, yeah. So he says, from what he could see, it wasn't funny. He then exclaimed, coconuts. Coconuts are funny. Right. Like when you wear them on your boobs? Well, he says, I was left rather bemused.

And then the man walked down the beach, picked up two washed up coconuts, which are coconuts that used to be big and entertaining. Now do a lot of game shows. Yeah, they're the coconuts on the dunking, the coconuts you throw at fairgrounds. Those are the washed up coconuts. It's really embarrassing. They used to use them to make the sound of hooves For sound effects

And now look at them Being thrown at a clown So he went and he picked up two washed up coconuts He then held them on his chest to mimic breasts Yep there you go And jiggled them up and down chuckling to himself The guy's got a natural talent Coconuts are funny, he announced again.

Wow, to move on from selling shells straight into... I'd rather watch this guy than a lot of stuff at the Fringe, I'll be honest. That's true. He walked back to me and handed me the soaking wet coconuts, and I awkwardly said, okay, thank you. Keep up the good pasta, good podcasting and keep on jacking it, Brandon.

We'll keep up the good pasta as well. Yes, we will keep up the good pasta. That's what they say to each other in Italy when you leave someone's home. Keep up the good pasta.

Keep up the good pasta and they say, grazie, paesano. And they will. It's in their hearts. And I said, an expert on Berlusconi, he was like, cheers, mate. Keep on making that good pasta. Making life. My name is God.

I like to make life. Well, that's all the trees and the fishes and the deer created. But there's nothing here that's in my image. I've spent all this time coming up with these random wacky-do beasts. And I've forgotten to make something for little old G-Dog. And I've forgotten to make something for little old G-Dog. Okay, let's start with... What's my favorite part? The dick and balls!

So here we go. A sort of flute with no side holes. Wrapped in a sort of condensed kebab meat. And I'll just slide a little skin around that, right up to the front, there we go, and get it all scrunchy at the end, like it's trying to give you a kiss. There we go.

Hmm, some people might want to cut that bit off. That's up to them. Maybe they can just kill each other for thousands of years over it. And then underneath the good old peen, the old god rod there. The fill, I've got to have two sacks of seed. Now, mine are full of clouds. But that might not be useful for this new animal. I'll fill them full of tadpoles. Yes, I made tadpoles on Wednesday and they were pretty gross. I'll just shrink those up.

Put them in these here sacks. Sacks of tadpoles. Nothing weird about that. Connect that to the old meat tube. And if any of them ever squeeze these tadpoles out not into

a woman they will burn in hell that seems reasonable to me anyway that's that done that's actually given me an appetite for a little cloud bursting outbursting myself. So if you don't mind, I'm gonna keep on jacking it. God out. Ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho. Niall gets in touch. Niall.

This is the longest email in the in the world Nile is longer than the Amazon isn't it oh the Nile yes yes

yeah yeah okay yes the longest email yeah okay dear pod bods I just wanted to

let you know that ever since Phil did his singy vocalization of Stacey Dooley's obsessed Instagram post with an impoverished African child. I found it impossible to look at any low-effort social media posts

without reading them in that voice. I have become obsessed. He says, that's episode two or something. Obsessed. Go back and listen if you haven't heard that one, listeners. That's episode four, two? It's a classic episode. It's one of our classics that people watch at Christmas time now.

We need to go back to commenting on slightly misjudged Instagram posts. Yes, we should find some more. Send some in if you've seen them. Not slightly terribly misjudged. Terribly misjudged. Very poor. As such, he says, I submit an authoritarian rule now in a

disappointingly Jacob Rees-Margatone he says. Where any post must contain at least two Louies worth of effort. Can you do a Jacob Rees-Mogg? Where any post must contain at least two Louies worth of effort. That's pretty good. I was talking to Matt Fort,

the celebrity satirist and impressionist, and I said, can you do Jacob? And he said, no, I just do a sort of posh guy and I said the key to Jacob is you have to

sound as if you're about to burst into tears that's very good thank you man that's very good every now and then Pierre can do a voice

and Jacob's one of them he sounds like there's someone trapped inside him like in Get Out there's a reasonable person stuck inside him no I was going to say the guy inside him is more of a prick There's a reasonable person stuck inside him.

No, I was going to say the guy inside him is more of a prick. Oh, right. He's like, I'm committing mild grammatical errors. Let me out.

So he's saying everything should have two Louis' worth of effort to stop shitty posts. That's not very much effort. Two Louis'. He's kind.

He's a kind man, I guess. And on the libertarian side, sign language should be taught as a compulsory second language in every country. I agree with that. That's not libertarian, though. That's kind. He's a kind man, I guess. And on the libertarian side, sign language should be taught as a compulsory second language in every country. I agree with that. That's not libertarian, though. That's authoritarian. Ooh, he's got you there, Niall.

But it is good. It's good. I think... My dad was taught sign language, like how to spell with your fingers, like the most crude form, in play school, just as a matter of course. Right, really interesting. So it just means that the entire population has a way of communicating not just with deaf people but with anyone hard of hearing or if there's too loud.

Imagine if we all knew a signing code. Imagine how fun school would have been. Yeah. Don't talk in class. I'm going to spell out rude words to my mate. But then teacher would be

what would understand you because presumably they'd learn to do that. And thus the game begins aha yes and he says a nice thing about looking forward

to seeing me in Edinburgh next week and says a nice thing about my show keep asnacking it he says oh very good so that's your degree

that's my degree and the degree of George Foraker's we both did Anglo-Saxon Norse and Celtic studies don't all employ us at once

it is mad we don't have like like most people don't have some standardized visual language

like we have we have like body language which I suppose we all understand but if you're like at a distance from someone

I guess we have you want a drink we've got that everyone knows you want a drink and like food, like putting your, you're making a duck

with your fingers, like a pointy duck, like you're going to try and go in a Pringles can. Yeah. And you put that to your lips, like, you want food? Yeah, but in the sort of

traditional Indian way. So it's suddenly everyone, even if you're not Indian or ever been to India, if you do the you want to eat something gesture, does a perfect Indian handscoop. Everyone's Indian when they're hungry.

That's the old saying. Yeah. There are no atheists in a foxhole and everyone's Indian when they're hungry. I'm really... My girlfriend's family, as you know, Philip, are mostly deaf. Not all of them, but... I did not know that. Did you not know that? I don't think so. Good gracious.

Ironically, I didn't hear you when you told me. So I've learned a bit of sign language. Oh, wow. But my girlfriend's sign language is pretty bang on but sometimes she gets a mixture of English and Scottish. Sign language? Because her grandparents are deaf on one side and they're so old that one learned English sign language and the other one learned Scottish and they're almost the same but not quite. It's like a dialect even though it's not spoken. Wow. It's so

interesting and it's fun to swear and say other things. So their sign language... So her sign language has a Scottish accent. Yes, I suppose it does. Yes, very much so. It's quite cool. Listeners, I encourage you to pick up a bit of sign language. It's about a thousand times easier than you think. Honestly, it is.

We've got one last email here from Rachel. Rachel. Wow. email here from Rachel. Rachel. Wow, nothing rhymes with Rachel. Rach, again, nothing. Ends with H, I'm sorry. Great chill.

Great chill. Oh, yeah. Come on, Rachel, let's have a great chill. There we go. Sorry. Three stars. Dear PNP, thank you for reading my first email out.

I feel like I should explain my email address for Phil. In my defense... What is the email address? Oh, BaroqueVet. BaroqueVet. Do you remember we had those emails from BaroqueVet? Oh, right. In fairness, I made it when I was 18 and like every other teenager,

wanted a personalized address. I chose this one because at the time I was studying to be a vet and playing Baroque music in uni. Great. Wow, you are middle class. because at the time I was studying to be a vet and playing Baroque music at uni. Great. Wow, you are middle class. That's great. I'm going to be a vet and I play Baroque music. Do I like cheese? Of course.

So it seemed appropriate. I'd like to convey my appreciation for how nerdy the podcast has become. And poo. Don't forget the poo, Rachel, but thank you. Particularly PS insights into Anglo-Saxon history I'm really enjoying these tidbits

of information that's very kind I mean I can't keep dropping tidbits like that no cover your tidbits cover those tidbits please cover your tidbits some people want to

free the tidbit there are children listening some people want to free the tidbit call me old fashioned but I think tidbits should be heard and not seen

I wanted to tell you about an episode at work in which, thanks to Budpod, I looked like I'd gone mad. I was doing a procedure on a cat. Okay. So she's working as a vet now. Is this the music or all right? She wasn't playing Bach on its ribs. She was making violin strings,

which used to be made out of cat guts. Oh, yeah, cat gut. Cat gut string. Rachel, have we just stumbled on your incredible scam. Yeah wow. Work as a vet and

then moonlight as a gut supply lady. The demon vet of what street was the demon barber. Was it Fleet Street. Yeah I think so. Was it Fleet Street

the barber of newspapers. At some point. What's his name. I guess they had to have a barber. What's his name. Sweeney Todd. Sweeney Todd. Yeah. I think it. It was a flea street wild of newspapers. At some point but I guess they had to have a barber. What's his name? Sweeney Todd.

Sweeney Todd. Yeah. I think it was. Anyway. So this is the cat version of Sweeney Todd going on here. Can I think of a pun? No, there's not a cat.

Sweeney? No. Sweeney. There's not a cat like in Sweeney. Feeny Todd? Sweeney Mog. That not a cat like in Sweeney. Feeny Todd? Sweeney Mog. That's about as good as we're going to get. Sweeney Mog.

Thank you. So a procedure. She looked like she'd gone mad. I was doing a procedure on a cat which required a fairly high level of concentration. A lot of Louies. That's 10 out of 10 Louies doing live surgery on a kitty cat. The cat was conscious. Wow.

And demonstrating the usual feline lack of gratitude. As such, it scratched me quite badly. As I was trying to improve its breathing ability, I couldn't really stop what I was doing to attend to the scratches, so I ignored them. Pretty tough stuff there, Rachel. Once I finished the procedure, I realized that these were bleeding and quite sore. I proceeded to say, Ow, that really there, Rachel. Once I finished the procedure, I realized that these were bleeding and quite sore.

I proceeded to say, Ah, that really hurt, actually. And then I immediately thought of Bud Pod and started hysterically laughing, much to the confusion of the nurse. So you referenced us without even realizing such a fan are you. And then you suddenly went,

That really hurt, actually. Oh. More bleeding. us without even realizing such a fan are you. And then you suddenly went that really hurt actually. Oh. More bleeding. And the nurse is just like what's got into those cuts already. What kind of cat zombie disease. Finally a couple of cool uncool things.

The coolest uncool thing. Magic tricks. Yeah. Grampets out of hats and so on. I mean like close up magic you go oh come on. The coolest uncool thing, magic tricks. Yeah. Rampants out of hats and so on. I mean, like close-up magic, you go, oh, come on. This isn't real. But they land it and you go, no, it's pretty good, actually. I don't know how it works.

It's always impressive. And the sleight of hand is such a physical skill. She says, yeah, cool because they take a lot of skill to perform uncool because it takes a huge amount of effort to perfect and you still look like a twat. Yes. Uncool cool, so a huge amount of effort to perfect and you still look like a twat. Yes. Uncool cool. So the least cool cool thing. Themed patterned socks such as Harry Potter, etc. Cool because they look great.

Uncool because you're consciously choosing to wear partially visible underwear that advertises your geekiness. And she says, I'm looking forward to seeing Pierre at the Fringe. I guess that's a fuck you to fill. Hey, I need some from time to time. Keep me grounded. Well, you're sold out. So that might be more the problem. Looking forward to need some from time to time. Keep me grounded. Well, you're sold out, so that might be more the problem. Looking forward to seeing you

behind the fringe. Keep up the good work. Koji, keep up checking it. Rachel. Thanks, Rachel. We're about a week behind with the emails, listeners, so we will get to you, please, please.

But bear with us, and we will maybe even do another correspondence dinner again. When did we do a correspondence dinner we did that one podcast where it was like just correspondence wasn't it

it was wasn't it just to get up to speed again yeah yeah that's fun it was quite a fun correspondence I really love the correspondence we might do that again and we might do it

with other people actually because then we're putting questions to our guests yeah yeah that'd be good yeah yeah we'll try and get some guests on the next couple episodes I know we

at first we said every episode is going to have five yeah yeah we'll try and get some guests on the next couple episodes I know we at first we said every episode is going to have five guests and we're going to get Jerry Seinfeld and Julian Assange well we haven't done that

anyway thank you for listening yes from Scotland goodbye and see you next time adios