BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 241 - GlennPod 2: Glenn Harder

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

The lads chat movies, memories, Frasier, Hannibal, hitman, Spiderman, 90s suits, fingerprints and Glenn's unique lack of authority and ability to attract sceptical bouncers and security. What if Harry Kane just jumped and never stopped?Listen to Glenn's radio show on BBC4! https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001sd04 Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca It's Bud Pod 241. 241? Oh no, what have you done? stole from the becker a current bun oh devil rhyme well that's just the one oh no you're right there were two it's never been done that's a that's another one number three oh my god

i like that that was like a ken loach film but a really twee one that's his last of a summer wine. Yeah, he... It would be like the last film he makes before he dies. Yeah. Where people go, oh, something about him getting closer to death made him very saccharine. Very, yeah, sentimental. But then something awful would happen to the boy.

Yeah, just to stay on brand. He's like, and then he gets run over by Laurie. Yeah. It'd be like the end of i daniel blake it's like a boy he had a heart attack from eating the bun boy had a heart actually to be fair his films are sentimental it's just that the sentiment is horrible yeah in fairness they're very sentimental yeah yeah it's just that the sentiment is more like what you did at the start. Look what you've done. Yeah, it's the drink driving advert.

Oh, that's just great, Matt. No car, no job. Now what? I had now what stuck in my head for like my whole life. You really enjoyed when I was explaining to Phil what was stuck in my head. The sweetest thing. It's so funny. One of my favorite episodes just why a trailer from a film that would just have no reason to to stay with you the sweetest

thing has not been thought about i remember that film coming out because at the time i had like i was really into movies when i was about 10 or 11 yeah and so would have subscriptions to like empire and total film yeah to read all about these films that i couldn't get in to see at the cinema um and it would all be stuff like swat with colin farrell and samuel jackson you go i bet they haven't thought about that film for like 20 years i yeah i they they can't remember where that money's from you know like if sometimes i mean you know you and i are gigging comedians so we have to do our own taxes and sometimes you look at like a and like our friends who run gigs

it's just like another one person there's no companies and so sometimes they'll form limited companies and so i'll have like a payment for like 120 quid from like you know rusty rusty bumquist enterprises it's so annoying and i have to sit and go what is that for yeah yeah we get paid for gigs like months after we do them months after you've seen us on stage when we get the money so we have to like go back like guessing like three months let's see if there's something in june that could explain rusty bumquist are you allowed to call your limited company like hmrc cumbernold but spell spell it wrong but i won that spell spell it where the l is a capital i yeah yeah yeah actually still looks like yeah yeah i wonder no you know they'd be like you're scamming people. You go, no, it's not being silly. It's called Hail Mary, Really Christian. And I'm from Kamanal.

It's a charity. I go, no, you're not from Kamanal. You go, okay, but Kamanal stands for Christ under my bum. Yeah, I think you're right. I think that the actors and those things just look at like the car they bought with that money and just go which one were you yeah I don't think Samuel Jackson ever like logs into NatWest and it's like what was SWAT SWAT Southwest Airlines Air Transport yeah I wonder what is the what do you think is like airlines air transport yeah I wonder what is the

what do you think is like the biggest like least forgettable film that one of the stars has still forgotten because I think maybe some of the Die Hard Die Hard Uh, yeah? Yeah? Fucking hell, that took me a second.

Well, you're not wrong. Okay, sec, apart from... Apart from... you're not wrong okay sec apart from bruce willard um i reckon i think some of the old shakespearean actors who ended up doing stuff like star wars and lord of the rings are prime candidates for being so like behold you know, that they go, oh, yes, that silly old thing, and they're talking about Star Wars. Maybe.

Actually, I think Ian McKellen would be a good one because he had so many... He was in, like, excellent plays before Lord of the Rings and loads of bad movies. Yeah. And he's in loads of really trashy British horror films, really bad, like, Doctor Who-esque stuff where it's, like, weird sort of eldritch

horror where they didn't have the budget to be able to actually make it good um and i occasionally you'll see a film being advertised a really sort of retro film and it'll be sort of like starring ian mckellen from lord of the rings no no no no no no no we need to set an amnesty we need to set a cutoff point anything pre lord of the rings you can't advertise he was in so a channel 5 afternoon movie used to do all the time. You'd see it in the TV guide. They'd be like, starring Charlize Theron. You'd be like, no, she has one line as a shopkeeper, and it was from 1992.

She's not. That's not the Charlize Theron you know. Yeah, you can't say starring Sir Ian McKellen if there's a brief shot of his pregnant mother. He's in the womb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you look carefully, maybe. Yeah, look carefully maybe yeah yeah no i think that's true that's not legit yeah i think um i think maybe some of the harry potter cast don't remember

the specifics of say like the fourth film or something like that that's true i often wonder about them because um i recently saw a big chunk of the first or second one and god it's badly acted like i know that they like i think that's what happens when you have to find a kid who looks a lot like an imaginary kid yeah because then it's like well you can learn to act yeah but you can't learn to look like that no and we go right okay we've got to hope this kid is a good actor not only for for the first film, but they continue to be a good actor for 10 years. Yeah. It's happened in Boyhood. You remember that?

They kept the same. It was that film filmed over the course of like 30 years. God, if you had to watch, for any reason, had to watch that film again, you'd go, why? There are certain films you watch because you sort of had to. Uncut Gems is the film I like the most That I never want to see again Oh I was thinking about it the other day But I really want to watch it again

Really? Yeah even though I was like Why? It made me so unhappy I think because I've got the relief of Well I know how it ends Okay that's true I know how the nightmare's over

It was like if you could visit a panic attack in its own home Yeah That's what like watching that was for me. It was great. It was more effective horror than sort of like a spooky witch. Yeah. It was. That's true.

Just someone watching someone drastically mismanage their family and business affairs. Yeah. Is so much more tense than watching someone go, but I must look in the chest. Exactly. That knocking sound. I've been watching Boiling Point recently, the TV version of the film, the kitchen-based film.

And it's so much more stressful than a horror film because you're like, what if the cake falls over? I don't know why that's scarier than a zombie. The beef was cold and you sent it out. The stakes are so low. the stakes are so low the stakes are so low in that it's it's i used to get terrible fraser anxiety yeah i would watch as a teenager or as a kid maybe because it was just on constantly fraser was like um you know when you read about like uh television in some eastern european soviet dictatorship and you go one one

and every three shows had to be speeches yeah just by like the leader and like that was what frazier was just every third thing on tv was frazier or an old simpsons yeah and it would stress you out because what because it's the farce because you're so aware that the whole point of what you're doing is that this is going to go wrong yeah and also i think frazier has that it's probably my favorite sitcom but it has that element of farce which i really annoyed me with like oscar wilde stuff or any actual farce any alan eightborne thing or anything like that which is that the action is always restricted to one room to such an extent that of someone will go do you know what i'm gonna tell her now that i love

her and you know in reality that actually the person he's gonna will go, do you know what? I'm going to tell her now that I love her. And you know, in reality, that actually the person he's going to tell that he loves, you know, he's got a husband, he's going to fall flat on his face. And so he goes to try and walk out of the room and the other character's like, oh, he's going to fall flat on his arm, but he's left the room.

Go in the hallway. He's right there. He's right that you can end this. You could shout it through the door even. Yeah. Yeah. But I must have had sandwiches. And you could just...

Oh, it bothers me so much. No one ever chases after him. Any farce could be resolved in like one second. If someone went... Everyone shut up. It's the same as a mobile phone rule for horror movies. Exactly that. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. But it's exactly where everyone is sort of paralyzed, like dream logic. Yeah. Like they're frozen by, like you say, the sandwiches or some other random fucking whatever. I feel like the mobile phone logic in movies should just be something that doesn't even have to be addressed.

They should just have a little thing at the beginning. Like in Star Wars, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, just go, in this film, there aren't phones. Yeah. Okay, fine, because they always have to have a five minute scene that involves someone's phone breaking you get well we knew this was gonna happen so you've just wasted our time with someone turning to someone else and going no signal yeah just that it's enough that's enough we know you haven't got a signal because you're in a horror film yeah or they've just gone like oh and the saw puppet has got um

a machine that it's fine it. Yeah, the electromagnetic pulse. Or just like in the future historians will be like, at some point all movies were set Movies stopped being set after the 90s. It's strange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why was that? Well, they built a device so clever that it ruined every story.

I think with regards to people not telling people stuff in farces I was thinking would you My question to you is if you were Spider-Man Would you tell people you were Spider-Man Because Spider-Man only really tells Mary Jane and that's kind of it That's true And Miles Morales only ever tells like Yankee and a couple of others

That's true and a lot of the problems that Spider-Man faces arise from trying to not let people know It bothers me so much I would tell everyone On a case by case basis So many people I was Spider-Man And arise from trying to not let people know. It bothers me so much. I would tell everyone, on a case-by-case basis, so many people are with Spider-Man and it bothers me so much. I'm playing Spider-Man 2 at the moment and it's great,

but literally in the first scene, he's teaching at a school on his first day and then he gets called away because of Spider-Man duties and he leaves the kids in the classroom and the principal gets in touch with him and she's sort of like, you're meant to be helping these children,

not hindering them. And it's like, it's because he was busy saving New York. And he goes, well, I guess I'm just a piece of shit then. I would take her to one side and go, it's because I'm fucking Spider-Man. I'm fucking Spider-Man. Shut up. Don't tell anyone. You're sitting there thinking, you wouldn't talk to me this way if you knew I was Spider-Man.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You just go, like, i'm sure peter park is really secure in himself being sort of like in his logic little does she know i'm spider-man but he's now lost his job it also makes you look terrible yeah because you're like uh well i guess that bus just had to fall off that cliff then yeah yeah you go no no no don't you have what did you watch spider-man do it no i'm between the lines it's so because i think if you're spider-man i think if i was spider-man you get in touch with save at nypd and be like look i'm doing your job for you

can you give me a grant every year which means i don't have to do another work i don't do any other work you follow you you have a give me a guy he follows me around and when i'm busy being spider-man he takes over the classroom or keeps driving or whatever it is i was doing yeah because i'm saving you billions although maybe costing billions but then that you know no he's not as destructive as like like, The Avengers overall. Yeah, that's true. Where they cause, like, multiple 9-11s with every 9-11 that they don't. But they stop from happening. Yeah, they're stuck in a real... They go, oh, don't worry, we stopped the Chrysler Building from collapsing

by throwing the Empire State Building at it. I mean, me and Phil are obsessed with the fact that the enemies have to always be bugs or robots. Because you can't kill things that are too humanoid you know yeah where it's just like it would be amazing if one day like a guy with a goatee and a fucking glowing purple cape just went like and opened a portal and the army that invaded earth just looked like you know yes dr strange if dr strange was a baddie essentially yeah yeah strange was a baddie and we had to watch someone pull his fucking head off yeah because it's Doctor Strange. If Doctor Strange was a baddie, essentially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Doctor Strange was a baddie and we had to watch someone pull his fucking head off. Yeah, because it's fine watching a robot get smashed. Like Sandman, for instance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go, Sandman, what do you want? What are your demands for the city? You want New York to be covered in sand? You want it to be sand. Yeah. Because you're... Move to places where there are sand.

Move to Dubai. Move to Dubai move to Dubai skyscrapers loads of sand you'd be so happy you'd be so popular you'd be they'd love him

we have a man who can control sand yeah he's so powerful yeah and also like he's killed by or he's defeated by like water

again move to Dubai can't emphasize enough how much he should absolutely become a Bedouin or something yeah it's so dumb

it's true spider-man should yeah with the villains like what are your demands and the demands always inevitably boil down to like what one of the things i hated about the spider-man whatever it was where there are three spider-man at the end yeah yeah the most recent one but toby mcgrindry garfield and and tom holland yeah they they basically sit down and admit that willem Dafoe's goblin character's problem is that he's schizophrenic. Yeah. They just go, well, he's got schizophrenia. And then they sort of go like the A-team used to in this lab.

And it's like a high school lab. And they're just going like, well, but a dude, this mixing and they're holding up blue liquid. And they basically invent a cure for schizophrenia. I find it so offensive. And they kind of whip the pill into his mouth. It should be illegal in films to make up cures for real diseases. You know what I mean?

Like if at the end they sort of go, and we cured cancer. And then you sort of turn to your relative at the end of the film and you go, that's not real by the way. That's not real, just so you know. They haven't done that. Also watching the three Spider-Men

like work together and go, God, that's what, all the research into mental illness and schizophrenia and stuff has been going wrong they needed three spider-men with a high school lab to make a blue liquid and that was what was missing and they won't share it with anyone it that film is they won't tell anyone they won't release the patent like the guy did with the measles vaccine or whatever it's very funny that anyone that in andrew garfield and toby mcguire

anyone whose death that they were responsible for that brings them into the world which is why green goblins back and stuff like that and andrew garfield in his world emma stone is dead yeah uh but in in this new new york he's been brought back to you go well you were partly so she'd be alive but he goes well guess i gotta go back And you go, no, you can save her. It's like in essentially in the film Yesterday where the Beatles didn't exist. And they go, wow, you know, but everyone was happy and it was all fine. And you go, Mark David Chapman is walking around as a free man, ready to kill someone else over a signed copy of a book. In this universe, Mark David Chapman mowed down one of the Bee Gees.

Yeah. And you go, oh oh that's okay oh well also like if it's anyone anything where they're responsible for their death there should be some school buses of kids loads of so many civilians should be so overpopulated we just go right so that the causality of the universe has an inherent morality that we can measure so you just go okay so the universe in its very fabric doesn't agree with indirect responsibility yes it doesn't think that exists so that's a that is good news we can all actually relax about a lot of stuff that's a real load off the older brain there so it only counts as a death

if i do it with my thumbs yeah through someone's fucking like eyes if i just do it through negligence or anything like that it's actually fine the universe won't yeah won't remember on like a subatomic level i think we'd look too much into this family film i disagree yeah yeah look a lot more into it but if i was watching that scene as like a someone who researched into schizophrenia pharmaceuticals, I'd be like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just holding up a beak of blue.

Yeah. Here we go. They're so happy when the whole situation's resolved. And you sort of go, right, for the other Spider-Man, they go, oh, briefly, Uncle Ben was alive and now he's dead again. That's good. That's a good thing that's happened. Yeah. Phew.

Yeah. Phew. Yeah. I think I've been pondering it while we've been talking. And I think I realize why I get Frasier anxiety, but not Always Sunny in Philadelphia anxiety. Okay. Because I like Frasier. Yeah, you want him to succeed. I wish him the best.

Well, he's got a nice flat. So the stakes are higher. Like, I found this quite difficult. Basically, a few people told me, essentially, the plot of Bo is Afraid, and they were like, you will love this film, it's really, really stressful. Yeah.

And it's all about, you know, a guy accidentally leaves his keys in his front door, when he goes back to his front door, the keys are gone and his flat's open, but he's going to go to cross the street, and so his flat is left wide open, and then suddenly he sees a bunch of horrible people crossing the street to basically just go into his flat,

and there's nothing he can do about it. It always sounds really stressful. But then I watch the film and I'm like, he's flat. He's got no furniture. So there's no, where are the stakes? It's fine. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's fine.

So like, if in It's Always Sunny, Frank and Charlie's place burned down, I'd be like, yeah, it needed to. You needed to start anew. The neighborhood is better. Yeah. For that place having burned down. That's true. That's true that's true whereas i think fraser is uh friends with so many comically unreasonable people where it's sort of if someone you know

for instance if someone broke a glass in their presence they go i've never been so offended in all of my life and then they storm out you get a fucking grip also i mean i've never been to philadelphia but not not philadelphia i've never been to seattle but not Philadelphia. I've never been to Seattle. But is the opera on that often? It's like turn of the century. It's every day. It's like turn of the century Vienna. Yes. Operas and concerts.

They go like it's the cinema. It's true, isn't it? Because it is just like saying in America, if you have the right connections and money you can live like the fucking duke of in in 1798 just only ever going to like recitals on the harpsichord yeah yeah yeah yeah it's really i don't enjoy frazier's life frazier is like an aristocrat who helps peasants through like a megaphone. Cheers them up. He's also, he essentially works on like AM radio.

He basically works on like Five Live. Yeah, yeah. And he just gets recognized everywhere he goes. It makes no sense. Dr. Frazier Crane from the radio? What are you talking how do you know yeah he's not advertised every on every bus also everyone who recognizes him should be frightening yeah why do you know the psychiatry show yeah not nearly enough people call him up

screaming conspiratorial abuse he never helps anyone there's always a punchline and then he goes on next caller and you get no no he just goes like well perhaps you should think about it some more yeah well boop and then as gunfire sounds he doesn't get he arrives at his show 30 seconds before he goes on air like without fail and he has no case files there's nothing there's nothing you don't see what we've got. Let's, yeah, and Roz doesn't have the,

because Roz is like the co-presenter. Yeah. And he's also the only producer. So she's the one screening the calls. I don't know when she gets the chance to listen

to those callers. She has PTSD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just sitting there going, you don't hear the things you don't hear. You know, the stuff Roz has to hear.

The letters she has to open. Yeah. I would love to see a crossover between Frasier Crane and the other famous sort of psychiatrist Hannibal Lecter. Where they're like colleagues. That's what the new series has been. Fuck Nicholas Lindhurst. We've got Mads Mikkelsen.

Mads Mikkelsen is taking over the radio show. It's Hannibal Lecter. Like in the HBO or whatever, FX Hannibal Lecter, the recent one. And now we have like dinner party farce, but also the meat is from some other, he keeps saying veal, but it doesn't seem like veal. There's an Indian restaurant, like my sort of go to one. And I love it.

And they have on their website the equivalent of, you know, like any time you go to a restaurant, they've got pictures on the wall of the manager meeting. Always Vinnie Jones, but loads of other celebrities. They have a picture of Mads Mikkelsen eating at the restaurant. One of our most, you know one of our most frequent guests um but he obviously either turned down the opportunity to meet to shake hands with manager and have a photo or um they were just too frightened to ask for photos of him mid-mouthful and it's like uh the photo on the website is a mads mickelson like mid-mouthful obviously not wanting to be spotted and it's like a photo that like the it's like the

photo is part of a sting operation it's like the photos and the the briefings loading screen of a hitman mission yeah yeah yeah this is where he eats welcome 47 he's eating a chicken boonie we need you to make this curry like one of the options on the mission is you make the curry so spicy he has to drink the poison yeah yeah milk or whatever agent 47 is so funny he's so fun like six foot eight yeah oh my my one bodyguard who i always have around me at all times is now being replaced by a man of slightly different height or a waiter the waiter who we have not had all meal has come over to give us a dessert menu and sort of been like i particularly enjoy the death by chocolate why he's talking like that are you wearing a wig yeah he's like a

he's like a serial killer who wants to be caught yeah or like um the level of low effort prankster costume that you would get on like a fake prank show for the for children like yeah yeah see bb's like yeah but we don't want to encourage real pranks yeah it's like so we replaced your mom and your dad's diary so your dad's your dad's to-do list says get a lady's haircut and you're what do you why would my dad have written down in his plan get a lady's hair like your your waiter now he's got like a big silly jelly apron yeah and like his shoes honk when he walks to the table. That's the big prank. I would love, what would there be? There'd be like a Hitman version of the Hitman game where it's just political assassinations throughout history.

It would be the most cancelled game. Oh yeah, what as in anyone who's ever been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's culminating in Japan's former leader. Yeah, Shinzo Abe. Yeah, Shinzo Abe getting assassinated. Shinzo Abe getting assassinated. Yeah.

All the way through history, just like really take the assassin thing literally. And then when everyone complains, be like, why? All the other games were fine. Yeah, with like Jeff Graver going, no, it wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald. It turns out it was Agent 47. What? What? Like really thinly alluded to like, this is is Shmaebraham Binkin.

And he is in the theatre. His long hat. Musa's long hat against him. Don't aim too high on the hat. His head isn't long as well. You have to shoot where his head is. At the top of the hat. It's not a warning mission.

Have you seen The Killer? I haven't top of the head. It's not a warning mission. Have you seen The Killer? That new... I haven't. I want to. It's good. Is it? Yeah, I liked it a lot. I liked it a lot.

It's odd. Michael Fassbender has got a very up and down film career. Always stays very relevant. He always got... Oh, Michael Fassbender's new film.

I'd be interested in checking it out. I mean, obviously, he was in The Snowman. Was that it? The Snow... The Mr. Police. I've never seen the film, so I don't know if the person says that. I mean obviously he was in the snowman was that it the snow the Mr Police I've never seen the film so I don't know

if the person says that that was a dumb one this one is good Mr Police you baby you can't be this much of a baby and be a murderer Hannibal Lecter's recipes weren't written in crayon

like ketchup and some delicious wine expensive wine baked beans and wine you ate his liver with baked beans and wine what wine

just shrugs he's meant to be. Shouldn't have come here for advice. He's meant to sound all refined in that bit. Yeah. The father being some nice chianti. And you go, all you've given us information is you had alcohol, a person, and some beans. That is the most Charlie from It's Always Sunny cannibal behavior you could have.

A cannibal tramp. Yeah, and alcohol and beans. Yeah, around a stove. Yeah, yeah, yeah, have. Accountable tramp. Yeah, I had alcohol and beans. Yeah, around a stove. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the woods. Beans in a tin. Yeah, like you're someone Macaulay Culkin's scared of in Home Alone.

Yeah, I had a 40-ounce liquor, some beans in a tin, and his liver. I had, I ate his liver with some Heinz no added sugar baked beans

and a nice Pabst blue ribbon. On the TV tray. Watch a NASCAR. I would love a hillbilly Hannibal Lecter. You're asking

the wrong questions, Clarice. Clarice, I can sense you're, you're asking the wrong questions clarice clarice i can sense you're you're wearing the links africa you nor you normally change your socks but not today i certainly don't and then clarice has a really pretentious accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Class swapped Clarice and Hannibal. She's like, oh my god. She's incredibly posh and rich and privileged. How do them lambs sound?

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right, though. I think it's because Frasier's flat is nice, but it would be bad if Frasier's flat was even nicer if we're talking chandelier home alone yeah he doesn't have stairs for instance then it would be funny if things fucked up in the flat because then i think when things are so nice that they're just beyond the idea of you having them like watching the king fall in a puddle is funny. But watching like, yeah, Frasier fall in a puddle, you'd be like, no, that's...

I can imagine having a nice suit. Yeah. Because I guess at the king they go, we shot all witnesses. We cleared up the situation. Yeah, we filled in the puddle with the witnesses. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I guess Frasier's house is sullied technically by Martin's chair, which is fine. His chair looks fine. It's very odd. That's one of the problems with Frasier and also with Hannibal Lecter is that their pretentiousness doesn't age well. Because it's whatever's fancy at the time. Yeah. So you go, oh, you don't like Martin's chair with the baggiest suit I've ever seen in my life.

You look like you're in simple minds every every 90s suit looks like there's some enormous dad somewhere that they're nicking the suit yeah they're dressing in their dad martin's not that big where did you get that suit from yeah what taylor is this yeah are you wearing the suit of like it's like agent 47 suit or like the thing from the fantastic four when sometimes he's wearing a suit you've just put that on yeah it's like agent 47 suit or like the thing from the fantastic four when sometimes he's wearing a suit you've just put that on yeah it's so mad and there was like seven button suits oh yeah the whole 90s suit thing i felt like we're talking obviously last week i said about like jim carrey films like liar liar yeah the suits are dreadful that's the worst part of 90s fashion power one

bit that's never come back the one bit of 90s fashion is fine t-shirts tucked into jeans fine hawaiian shirts fine short shorts fine big baggy suit nothing could command less respect in a courtroom yeah looking like you're in the you know this is like briefcases really floppy leather briefcase yeah that's true non-rigid briefcases for paint yeah so your paper comes out creased big sort of like handbag ball sack sort of yeah briefcases mad briefcases in general

yeah I've never known anyone to have a briefcase if I saw someone carrying if I saw someone carrying a briefcase I'd be like you're going to

a costume party yeah or you're going to slide this across the table in a threatening way I trust everything is in order yeah yeah yeah or there's like an emergency telephone in it but it's a landline so if you've got to plug

anywhere before i open this i've got to it has to be a land cable but one of the thin ones not one of the computer ones that's really thin ones i i don't have a landline because i'm not a hundred but i imagine if in this flat, the second I plugged one in, it would just immediately ring and it would immediately be like a robot saying, you are owing tax to a... Yeah, it would be like...

Yeah, it's like signing up to like MSN now. You go like, oh, this is, yeah, this is riddled with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I occasionally like my sort of burner account for whenever I've bought a pair of jeans and they go, what's your email address? I give them a burner one. It's like a Hotmail account from when I was about 15.

Yeah, me too. And occasionally I log into it and it is a fucking train wreck. It's like a satire of what pop-ups were like in the 90s. The word boner is in every email I've received. It's like, it's unreal. Nothing looks remotely convincing. You go, I understand you're doing the whole Nigerian prince thing.

Yeah. But how have you managed to make the subject line a different font to my other emails? How have you done that? How have you changed your font on my computer? That's complicated. Yeah. Or like, why do you think it's a good idea that the a in viagra is the at symbol do you think that makes it more or less convincing

yeah i my uh my parents have a landline and it's easier because they live in an area of just no signal it is easier to get them on the landline and they're like in the in the research station of the thing basically yeah yeah they're the guys you freeze in the day after tomorrow, yeah. They live in a weather station. And whenever I ring it, whenever it goes to voicemail, it's the most horrifying voicemail. They can't change it for some reason, but it's like this really muffled...

Oh, this is... It sounds like someone delivering it through a megaphone, but behind a blast door. So you go, it's both loud and not loud at the same time. It's all bass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like no treble to tell you. It's seen in a play set outside a nightclub where you just go.

Or like a claustrophobic scene in a movie where you just need to know that the character's neighbors are loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the character's going, shut up, shut up, shut up. Yeah, neighbours who are arguing all the time. Split up. I've never had a row that much with someone

and seen them again. Insane. How are you both still alive? It'sson level right yeah yeah yeah okay that's where this guy lives apparently yeah yeah i think i think like i don't know why it's one of the big campaigns that you get about like raising the quality of life in in the country generally is that like fraud is just legal in the uk it It's just legal. Fraud is legal. Burglary is basically legal. If you look at how many burglaries get solved.

Oh man, it's crazy. I'm so surprised I haven't burgled more houses. Yeah. Because my tally is none. But I really think the opportunity is there apparently. I had no idea. It seems to me like there would be no consequence. But I'm someone who commands such little respect

and and causes immediate skepticism that i think even someone walking down the street who has never walked down that street before we go where are you going why why are you going i i i used to have this i had like a temp job i had a temp job at a call center in in victoria in central london yeah when i first when i first moved to london and they're always really fancy like blocks of flats where it's like in sort of new york they're sort of surrounded like you have like four blocks of flats and in the middle it's a central courtyard yeah these benches and i think with lovely fountain you sort of think that'd be lovely place to have a lunch but i know i don't live in the block of flats but like i could the gate is right i can just walk through i'd walk through and someone who would be like the gardener on his first day would be like what

are you doing and i'd be like a thousand people live in this bill why and i'm in a suit that's the that's the one thing you're meant to be i was always told if you're in a suit more confidently maybe it was because you were in a suit it was too suspicious well it was too much it was too lunch break i was guy incognitoing it it was it was office break. Yeah, you haven't come back home. If you'd come out in a robe smoking a pipe. Yeah. Going, blah, blah, blah. They would have gone, well, he's clearly one of the rich maniacs who lives. Well, I live around a corner from a huge, huge bingo hall.

And it's got these lit torches 24-7. Like, lit torches outside. Like Genghis Khan. Yeah. Like it's some sort of, like, Aztec sacrifice. And I'm so intrigued that it's open 24 hours. Yeah. It's open 24 hours.

Should we go to the bingo at 3 a.m.? Yeah, you go, what are you doing? Is there someone on stage going, hey, you've done all the numbers. Yeah, we've done all the numbers. And they have, it's really strange because I've always posted outside for Polish comedy nights. So it's very, it's very weird seeing.

Yeah, yeah. But it feels really uncanny to me and it would feel really uncanny to you as well. Seeing these posters that look like every comedy night poster you've ever seen, but in a language you cannot understand with people you have never seen before in your life. But you go,

what, it's got a list of credits and I don't recognise any of these TV shows. And it feels like you're in a parallel universe. But every, there was one time I was coming home, like Friday night, it was like one in the morning and there were about a hundred people queuing up to go at one in the morning. And I was like, I need a parallel universe. But there was one time I was coming home, like Friday night, it was like one in the morning, and there were about 100 people queuing up to go

at one in the morning. And I was like, I need to know what's in there. Because Google Maps Street View lets you walk around the inside of a building. It's full of bars. It's like the Las Vegas casino. And I'm so intrigued. And so I just queued up in amongst these 100 people.

Everyone's just free going in. I walked in and a bouncer went, where's your membership card? And he hadn't asked anyone else. He hadn't asked anyone else. And I just went, I don't know, get out, get out. And so I had to leave.

Is it that you're so visibly not Polish? No one else was. When I say they have a Polish comedy night, it's not like, oh, it's a Polish bingo place. It's just that's a good place for a Polish comedy night. But everyone else was just,

you know, people just all ages, all nationalities. Yeah. What is it about you that does this? I'm so fascinated so fascinated by it because also like you've said in the past one of one of your one of your things you've said that's my favorite description of something is how in any situation like a maniac or like a an intolerable child or something yeah will make its way to you the way that like wasps just kind of barrel towards you yeah it's like towards one yeah children are magnetically attracted to my legs yeah in a way that is

alarming to me but i'll be walking down a street there'll be a kid and his mom and the kid will just be walking around flailing his arms he'll be on the other side of the road and i'm like i can i know where this is in this is ending up with his head hitting my knee and i'll be in trouble and i'll be backing away from the chart and he'll be gravitating towards me without looking he'll hit me collide and mom will be like what from the chart and he'll be gravitating towards me without looking. He'll hit me, collide and my mum will be like, what have you just done? And I'm like, no,

you have no idea. There's something in my knees and I don't know what it is. I'm like the Joker handing out his business card saying I laugh a lot, please bear with me. It's a sign of a mental illness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really, I've got something with my knees. I have unluckiness. Yeah. It is odd. Yeah. So you couldn't burgle as a result.

No, everyone would know it was me. I don't think couldn't burgle as a result. No. Everyone would know it was me. I don't think I could burgle because I think part of naturalizing as a UK citizen, I think they do have my fingerprints somewhere. Oh, really? I think so. I definitely had to give fingerprints a lot. Where would you put the... More on that in a second.

Where would you put the stuff? Because you can't... I know it's like a trope of they have a sack. No one has a sack. Yeah. I couldn a trope of they have a sack. No one has a sack. Yeah, I couldn't tell you where to buy a sack. No. I guess like. One of those like big yellow storage places.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would be one of those really crinkly blue thick. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like an Ikea bag. Yeah. And you go, I'm going to weight them all up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why have you had your fingerprints done?

Well, when I was 16 we had to redo all of our south african stuff like past african passports and things and the thing with south africa is that we still in south africa no no no right and it makes it harder not being there because they don't like that you're not there they genuinely are back here genuinely they it's so difficult to prove to them that you exist and like we had to go to the south african embassy in london with like a two inch thick folder of like it was nuts and in south africa like france like germany like a lot of countries like the uk is basically the only country that doesn't have this anyway you have an id booklet it's like there's like basic id

it's like a passport but not a passport it's your id right so like when they say can you see your id in the uk it's like we have no official id you just need to find one through learning to drive it is really strange in the uk but it's like well i'm not interested if you're like i'm not interested in learning to drive and i don't plan on leaving the country and they go well i guess you don't have a name yeah and they just go you don't exist then yeah go on holiday you better want to leave yeah go on holiday or drive yeah or you'll never get a pint it's fucking odd whereas like most countries have some sort of id booklet or whatever it's one of the theories as to why um the uk is more popular than say france for for like asylum and

some illegal migration because there's's no, you know... Oh, here we go. Yeah. But it is weird, though, because, like, I looked into it, because I was chatting with your friend and mine, Mr. Ahishar. Yeah. And we were saying, like, but why do they want to come here so much when they're already in France?

Like, obviously, it would be nice to be like, oh, because England's that much better than France. Yeah. Is it? Nah. We've been to Bordeaux. It's nice. Yeah, Bordeaux is nice.

It's really nice. Yeah, but Calaux is nice. It's really nice. Yeah, but Calais is not nice. Oh, yeah. But basically it's because there's a much bigger underground economy in the UK, or there could be, because there's just no way of like, okay, you're the immigration authorities. You burst into a restaurant. What?

They're just going, yeah, I live here. I'm from here. There's no ID. But my ID's at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they don't drive. They go, yeah well they don't drive they go yeah i don't drive i walk here you go okay well good luck then good luck serving mads mickelson his curry or whatever is happening in the yeah yeah yeah there's no way of proving it so like um the irony is that the conservatives are stuck in this double bind of

being like no englishman should ever be asked for yeah yeah and also putting a lot of emphasis on the word english there yeah no english man really exactly but also really wishing there was a way that they could kick out everyone you know and put them on ships and all that fucking mad shit so yeah but i had definitely had to give the south african government loads of my fingerprints for that and when you say loads of your fingerprints do you mean the same finger loads of times or all of your fingers individually? All of them individually, multiple times. Like, so many.

Like, crazy. We know someone who had their fingerprints stolen. What? Yeah. How? What do you mean? So there was a criminal file about some burglary. Like when Hannibal Lecter steals the person's face. But he just stole his fingerprints. It's definitely him. It doesn't look like him.

Yeah, yeah. Or sound like him. But like, feel his hands. It feels like him. Feel his bloody shredded hands. There was some crime committed in South Africa, some problem, and they took fingerprints of the crime scene,

but then the document in the police file was swapped out. Wow. So this person... This goes all the way to someone in the police station. Well, just someone in admin. You could do for like, they'd do for like a hundred quid or whatever. Oh, Matt, do you know what? Looking back, Wow. So this goes all the way to someone in the police station. What if someone in admin?

They'd do it for like 100 quid or whatever. Oh, Matt, do you know what? Looking back, it is mad the temp jobs and stuff I used to do. Just the power I could live. The level of access. Yeah. I did the temp job for that medical facility that had the Elephant Man incident. Were you in the UK with that? What?

So, you know, you can... In the 1800s? incident were you in the uk with that what so you know you can say i don't know i don't know if you considered doing this like post i mean like your friend of mine adam adam hess did like flu trials and stuff like that yeah i signed up for so many of those because it was like it was so much money and you got to just lie in bed and be ill which is i'd love that yeah you and i both love being ill honestly my i mean i hate being ill my favorite activities are very illness coded of just like lying in bed with a book while someone mops my brow yeah that's like my favorite hobby staying on a couch and going one leg in a plaster

car suspended upwards like in the bino um even if it's flu yeah yeah yeah that's why we injected a thermometer in your mouth at all times a nickel jaw bandage yeah yeah yeah yeah. That's why we injected. A thermometer in your mouth at all times. A nickel jaw bandage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That goes around the top of your head and under your chin. What's that keeping in place? So I remember signing up to loads of those, but there was this big story. This was probably about 2006, maybe earlier.

Some guy signed up to have some sort of drug cure or whatever injected into them and their heads swelled up they were in agony they all survived they're all fine now yeah and all side effects went but they were described as looking like the elephant man that's why it's called the elephant man trials because their heads swirled up to like twice the size they looked like they were going to explode no um and uh so i i did like admin for them in like 20 in 2014 but was it still just like case notes from the trial i never read i never read them so at the time i was sort of like right do any tent job in a day do any gig i can in the evening any open mic night try and get

better at comedy and so i'd sit there with like and so my way of trying to get better at comedy was trying to ingest as much comedy as possible so i'd sit there yeah with my phone on my lap all day just watching all the stuff that I felt like I should see, but would never be asked to watch, like all of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Listen to all of The Goon Show, and you go, I wouldn't do that in my spare time. But at work, it feels like that is work. So I'd do that while just folding letters and putting them in envelopes and sending them off. I don't know what the hell I was doing.

I don't know what the work was. But that's it. So someone like you then. Yeah, someone deeply responsible. Maybe I stole someone's fingerprints by accident. But someone just said like, just 500 quid, just like pick some fingerprints.

And what was lucky, or maybe deliberate, but probably just lucky, was that this is someone who doesn't live in South Africa. I see. So there's like the perfect alibi. It's like, well, I live in England.

So I didn't steal a car in the most dangerous part of Johannesburg or whatever it is but it still had to be dealt with by the cops so that can happen so my fingerprints are out there so I think maybe I couldn't burgle for that reason they're out there somewhere

I can't remember if I ever had to give them to the UK do you remember the guy? was it official? he just came round in a van can I rub your hands? I'm here from the embassy he didn, he didn't put your hands. I'm here from the embassy. He didn't get you to put your hands in ink.

He just had inky hands himself and a firm handshake. There was his name, Inky Hands. Inky Hands. Inky Hands. The Afrikaans guy doing all the fingerprinting. Inky Hands came around and did my hands, yeah. Inky is such a weird nickname that I've come across maybe twice in my life. Yeah.

People call me Inky and you go, that's not a good name. You go, unless you're like a what-a-scoop journalist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gumshoe. Yeah. We got a burned pavement. Burned pavement if you want to get to the heart of this story.

He always has a trilby with press in his, like, yeah, a little press card in his hand. You go, what's that for? Yeah. Who's that for? Yeah, you look like an old-timey journalist. We know what you are. You're walking with a microphone and a pen and paper at all times.

Yeah, you're really keen that we know that you're a journalist. Yeah. I can't help but think this makes you a bad investigative journalist. To bring the journalism side back around to the aforementioned Spider-Man. Yeah. He needs to be a freelancer, I was going to say, Spider-Man. Do they still need photos of Spider-Man? I feel like...

Why do they need photos of Spider-Man at all times? One Getty Images of Spider-Man. After World War II, they stopped needing new pictures of Hitler. Get me pictures of Hitler! Get me pictures of Hitler! Yeah, like we have... It's like the Queen or the King, isn't it? They always want to make sure that you can see that they were actually there at the school or whatever. like, they were actually there at the school or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I feel like, I feel like it's, for God's sake, the guy's name is on the tip of my tongue. J. Jonah Jameson. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're going to have to edit this. Who is it it who is it i i'm googling it because there is one photo of alexander litvinenko and that was enough why do we need so many of spider-man yeah i guess it's um the only reason would be like if the readers were interested in like well it was a stock image of spider-man yeah i guess it's um the only reason would be like if the readers were interested in like well it was a stock image of spider-man like sideways on a wall yeah but it says here that he did this crazy loop-de-loop but i can't picture it in my head but it's in the but he was in the news he's in the news all the time but after a while it would stop being used i always imagine this like it's always the suspicious with spider-man is selling pictures of himself that are from like non-human angles yeah yeah it's like how did you fucking get

how did you get this goat say angle of you sending in loots it's like yeah we're just like we've checked the alleyway and their camera was 30 feet in the air and there's no stairs so what were you doing if i was peter parker despite jj jameson i'd i'd get i'd send in dreadful explicit like anatomically explicit pictures to him and be like you did you asked for them you said more you yeah that's all you said more because i've always wondered how really if we had a superhero how much would they be in the news because i i always thought like if say if in like an England match, let's say it's Euro 2024.

Yeah. Everyone goes up for a corner. Karl Walker takes the corner. Harry Kane leaps up to head it in and he just keeps going. And he just goes up into the sky and we lose Harry Kane. The TV cameras don't go up high enough.

So they're like, we can't see him. Yeah, it has to cut to mobile phone footage. Yeah, he's gone up like a balloon and he's gone into space but no satellites are picking him up and he's fine. He's doing like the Superman pose.

His fist is up in the air. How long would that be in the news for before we stop talking about that? Do you know what I mean? How many days would that be front page news before you go, I think something else has happened now. I think it would snap people's minds

because there would be no closure. Yeah, but you just have to accept it like remember that um in the new year's eve fireworks they did that drone display and it was in the shape of captain tom above the imagine if i just got stuck in the sky and so every night from now we just had this image of captain tom's like burnt into the sky and i had to be in the news no every day it would start getting incorporated into movies it would be how you would know we were in london yeah yeah yeah i mean like big ben that yeah it's like how i mean like obviously it's coming out to christmas i know that at some point over christmas i'll be watching a 90s manhattan movie my dad always goes twin

towers yeah thank you thank you well it's time for us to go to now that we should plug as you're listening to this if you're one of the people who listens when it comes out on the day later today or on this day wednesday the 15th of november yeah your radio show is starting 6 30 p.m radio for uh a series of four half hour stand-up shows yeah and you can listen again on you can listen again on iplayer bbc sounds all that uh illegally i don't mind personally i'm sure the commissioner yeah it does mind bbc is not paid for through adverts so exactly you're not stealing in the normal way yeah yeah so that's this week next week week

after and a week after yeah use a vpn yeah bucket yeah um so listen to that i you know did i did i tell you the interesting fact about recording the shows live for bbc at half six you're allowed more swearing than i thought you would be for half six on bbc well let's make let's make this a patreon thing we'll tell the vips about the secret swearing there we go okay of the biased broadcasting um i finished my tour thank you to all the budpods who came out koji uh and i got if you check my instagram you'll see that a pod bud gave me a delightful gift um uh some lovely budpod themed tat uh thank you very much for coming out on tour there's only that there's two dates have been rescheduled, Northampton and Southend-on-Sea for February next year because of concrete scandals.

And the last thing really is the 23rd of November this month, Leicester Square Theatre, the final outing in London of that show, Forever and Ever, Amen. So check that out. But now we're going to go to the Patreon. Thank you very much, Glenn. 15th of November, that's tomorrow. Yes. Anything else? No, no, no.

Just, I mean obviously your your tour show I've seen the show I've seen the show not for me no but uh some people might you saw most of the show yeah yeah yeah

yeah