BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 244 - D S B M G B

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

The lads talk biopics and musicals and Angry but Supportive parents, Osman's genius and PHIL'S STARRING ROLE IN WONKA. Diane gets in touch about BIMBO bread and aesthetician tat and Sam's vegetarian tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 244. 244, you want more. You want more. You got more, you got more, you got more of us. You got more. You got more Christmas, Christmas is starting already. Christmas is here. I feel like, you know, people keep saying,

Christmas just starts earlier and earlier. I don't think that's, I don't feel that anymore. Is it that, has the Christmas spread Finally stopped Yeah I saw I think Christmas is starting later now I think the earliest thing in the world is Easter Easter Like 1st of January you'll see some fucking chocolate eggs

Wow this is a pretty spicy take For the main part but you're right I think Easter fever starts pretty early Easter's the real creeper. Ah, there's a real, yeah, there's real escalation between the chocolate companies for Easter. It's a very focused market explosion. And it's just for chocolate around Easter.

They all go, okay, we've got to get ahead of Cadbury's this year. What do you got? What do you got? Can you imagine the high intensity and like contextually extremely important but also ridiculous meetings about that? Oh, yes. Like.

Oh, and all of our fucking cream eggs. Yeah. People just sitting around going like, like a guy who is like 55. Yeah. And he's paid a lot of money.

A lot. And he's sitting there. He's got veins in his head sticking out. He's so stressed. About Easter again. Because he works for a chocolate company. And it's objectively silly, but it is like,

it's so important. Yeah. And he has to sit there and be like, oh, fuck. They've got Pop Rocks. They've got Pop Rocks in the chocolate. Have we got the mold in from China for the fuzzy bunnies? Do we have the fuzzy bunny mold from China in yet?

Okay, get the social media people across on the war on Easter thing again. Every year those fucking lunatics say that the word Easter is not allowed on our packaging and we have to post a bunch of pictures to show them that it is on there. And the adorable basket designs. Are they finished? I asked for those adorable baskets three weeks ago. They're not nearly adorable enough. You call this cute?

He throws it out the window. We need to compete in the mini eggs within the eggs market. We don't have a product in this space. And just like on a really angry Zoom call with a load of like Belgian chocolatiers. Yeah. And like screaming about a million pounds worth of decisions

while looking at a sort of a cartoon rabbit looking at you going, bleh. Yeah, yeah. Doing a big speech to a load of Belgian chocolatiers and saying, well, we have very good news. We got the license agreement in for the Shrek eggs.

And they're all going, Is that a scene from fucking Wolf of Wall Street? He says, I'm not leaving. Shrek. It's about green eggs. It's about green eggs. And they all know they're going to make millions more. Throwing their little chocolatier hats into the air.

Hurrah, hurrah. Jonah Hill hugging some piece of trash to make a lot of money yeah I find jobs like that very funny where objectively they're not for anything necessary or important but they have become necessary and important through just random shit like

let's eat chocolate at Easter yeah and I hollywood is the epitome of that yeah i think that's what's the thing about acting that is lame yes is having to be like right your job now i think i've said this before it's just a tennis ball on a stick but you need to pretend it's your dying goblin wife. And you need to like really cry and be like, and it's just this tennis ball. And you're in this like green dome in like a warehouse. I know. I used to do like the most emotional acting. The most incredible acting of your life.

And you can see like through your eyeline behind the camera, there's just like a big guy in cargo pants just eating pasta out of a tub. Scratching his ass. Yeah, just like checking his watch. And you have to turn like this to his phone. It gave birth to you. Yeah.

Or just continuously having to like it must be the worst for like Marvel. Yeah, but Marvel must be really tough. For me, I think the acting I could never do is when they look up but an ally make a sudden important appearance at the end of the battle doing a little smirk

a little smirk like the Hulk's here oh yeah it's like you bastard or whatever you know son of a bitch I wondered when you'd show your little face yuck I couldn't do it I could not do it I wondered when you'd show your little face Yuck I couldn't do it I could not do it

Looking up at nothing I think we're going to be okay Yeah exactly Or like looking towards a different padded green Segment of something And sort of having to be afraid of it Yeah My god The gromb, they've recharged.

And at that moment, I would just be like, fucking hell, man. Yeah. I would be helped by the fact if I knew I was getting bajillions of pounds, obviously. I recently watched a great movie, Chicago. I've never seen Chicago. No. I've never seen Chicago. No, I've heard it's very good.

It's spectacular. It's from like I've heard it's very good It's spectacular It's from like 2003 And it's amazing Because it's amazing One of the best movies I've seen in a long time It's just Great songs Great choreography

Great cast And it's all sets It's all filmed with sets It's all real shit And I don't get to say this phrase very often, it's the Mad Max Fury Road of musicals. Wow, that is a big claim. Yeah, it's the Mad Max Fury Road of musicals.

You can feel the crunch of Roxy's tap shoes. Isn't it funny that for us, real now means physical sets? Yes, yeah. We've gone back to a very literal definition of definition of real yeah it's like oh no they didn't actually film it in a weimar prison camp yeah it was a set and they go so it's not real whereas we're so sick of 3d yeah we'll just take anything that exists in the physical human realm well i was shown some um bts behind the scenes um documentary stuff about the shoot about the killer. Yeah, I go fast man. We talked about last time. Oh, yeah Yeah, and it's it's so much of its CG. Yeah, not not the thing not the scenes you'd expect but just him

Riding a motorbike through a city. Yeah, it's all CG behind him Some of the close-ups of his head in the helmet all CG is yeah even there'm like what even these you can't film these i mean it's convincing it's it's good i did stop and think like okay how much did this cost this level of cgi and then how much does it cost to block out a hundred parisian streets for a night shoot right yeah that probably makes sense and and pay michael fassbender for however many days yeah and pay michael fassbender to stay up till four in the morning and stuntmen and maybe right off motorbike yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and like seven stunt drivers for the cars he avoids oh yeah yeah is that as well and then you start to go okay give it to the nerds fine fine fine the nerd the nerds are just sat stood

in a crescent on the other side of the room just doing the Bruce Lee come on fingers Just doing that kind of that hand readiness posture thing That's another cringeworthy bit of Marvel green screen acting When they sort of go into like a come fight me pose

They all do it together and the camera like sweeps down under them and they're all friends i hate i hate i hate a they're all friends shot whether it's fast and furious or marvel there's always a shot in the battle where they all ready themselves they regroup and they make a little pose and they're all and the message of the shot is they're all friends also I hate it. Also, all their poses are different. Yeah, because it reflects each of their different personalities and fighting styles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no.

I hate it. It's so lame. I hate it. Please stop. They should do one where they do that and they all just quickly shake hands. Good luck in the fight. No.

Nice to meet you. I'm Captain America. Good rarely prevails. This is what I've been kicked out of cinemas for saying at the end of Marvel movies. Good rarely prevails. You've been shouting good. You started out muttering it into your popcorn. Halfway through the film when Captain America starts to get his powers back or whatever's happening in the plot.

Just you eating popcorn going, oh, good really prevails. Someone just turns around and looks at you quickly. Just nothing. A few minutes later, good really prevails. Shh. Shh. Like, sorry.

But then by the end, good really prevails. Just you're screaming at being taken down the aisle by a pimply teen. Sir, you can't say that in here. Stop opening the window and letting reality into this ridiculous room. I've still been thinking about... Did I talk about having seen Napoleon on here? Oh, no. It's very silly.

I liked it. Right, yeah. But some of the lines in it, there's a bit that references a meme, I think. No, please! This is the marvelification of fucking history movies now. Also... Nothing can be done earnestly. Everything has to be a wink and a nod to the audience. Joaquin

Phoenix. I think you'll find it's pronounced Joaquine. Sorry, Joaquine. Yeah. Joaquin. Joaquin. Joaquin, uh, Phoenix. Yeah. Okay, now I know phoenix i think you'll find his pronounce joe aqua in there sorry joe aqua yeah joe aquin joe aquin joe aquin uh phoenix yeah okay now i know what you're talking about sorry joe aquin phoenix phoenix yes he's got a very big phoenix yeah so joe aquin's phoenix he plays the um he plays napoleon i think like the Joker. Right, yeah, you're saying. There's some random laughing and stuff. Ah, yes.

And I don't know if maybe it just got into his head that that's how he acts now. Any powerful violent man has to have a sort of dark and twisted email. Or sort of being like a sort of goblin. It's quite odd. It's an odd film. Does he do the hand thing into his jacket? I think there's some shots of that.

There's also some very silly... None of the historical inaccuracies will put off anyone who isn't at my level of tedious little fuck. Yeah. If you're just a normal person who doesn't know that much about the Napoleonic Wars, you'll have a great time. Yeah. In general, you know...

But it is still a weird and very long film. That's it. It's like, if you're going to get some of the history wrong, I think that's fine, as long as the underlying story and message and characterization leaves the audience, I don't know, feeling richer in some sense. Yeah, there's some weird shagging in it as well.

I hate a movie with unnecessary weird shagging. Why? Yeah. It's not like love scenes. Really. Yeah. I just don't think we need a romantic story or sex story to be persuaded that the character is fully realized. I get the impression that Ridley Scott feels as though Napoleon was a kind of slightly detestable Gaddafi figure.

Mm-hmm. And the film reflects that. Was there an anti-colonialist streak through the portrayal? Not really. Right. Because they're fine with, like, Britain and Germany and, like, you know.

They're depicted as quite normal. Yeah. Okay. Well, because they're all colonial, so it's just impossible to... It would be impossible to tease that out. Right, okay. I just meant maybe if they

were focusing on on napoleon's and would like the fact he brought slavery back well i guess just like an there'd be an overarching anti-anti-imperialist bent on the whole movie no it's not a woke movie okay not in any specific way right there's just too much there's too much to know and say about Napoleon for there to even be room for that also it is made by a guy in his 80s so it's definitely not that if you refer to my latest

Room 101 that I did on the radio with Paul Mosen, biopics was one of the things I put in there citing specifically Darkest Hour, which is one of the words that I was saying because for many reasons but but for one of them is this that you inevitably have to reduce everything if you reduce a person

if you reduce the story and what you end up with is either thin or nonsensical yeah yes and you end up portraying winston churchill as this kind of giggling... Mr. fucking Magoo. Mr. Magoo. A man who was a veteran of and taken prisoner during the Boer War. Like, a war veteran. An old war veteran. Like a mad old fat weird man. But not a giggly, you know... Not a cuddly anti-fascist. Like, passing out lollies on the tube or whatever

Fucking awful fake cockneys On the tube as well Never Awful The trip from Embankment to Westminster is taking so Fucking long It doesn't take that long Like a 19 minute trip

And just Best actor didn't he win I think that's the way actors do it It seems to be the shortcut to a best Like a 19-minute trip of... And just... Oh, man. And he best acted. Didn't he win? Yeah. I think that's why actors do it. It seems to be this shortcut to a best actor Oscar. I'm not sure why. I think because they're just, like, wowed by an impression.

It's so hard to tell when someone is acting. If they do an impression, like, okay, yeah, that's definitely acting. That's definitely acting. Yeah. Half the Oscar just goes to Winston Churchill as well. Right. Because they're like right I'm associating

how much I like him yes with this film yeah so that you get an award for being the guy I like yes exactly yeah

speaking of biopics I saw the Tina Turner musical okay the stage musical yeah yeah the other day good

I don't particularly know or care about Tina Turner hilarious audience to imagine you in, by the way. Mate. It was, on average, a pretty fucking old audience. Yeah.

But there were... Well, this musical is one that's infamous for the worst behaved audiences. There were posters everywhere saying, behave yourself. I think the worst one might be the bodyguard in that South London. It's off West End. Right. Wow. But Tina Turner's got a lot of posters saying, don't sing during the thing.

Wow. They're at the point where they're literally saying, don't sing. Not even like, don't be disruptive or rude. Like, don't even get started. They're having to phrase it like, Tina Turner had a very special voice and people liked it. So don't sing along to ruin it. Like, trying to talk to them like children.

Don't sing along. There'll be plenty of time for singing and dancing along and being all rowdy at the end in the big finale. Okay, okay. So they siloed the bullshit towards the end there. Okay. And no video camera, whatever. Yeah, and it was mainly sort of people a lot of gray hair but like active gray hair not 80s so let's say people in their 60s okay 50s and 60s and um then sort of gaggles of what you

might call boozed-up northern birds. Yes, yeah. Who've come down to London. We had a couple in our Les Mis show. Yes, yeah, very much. Yeah, there was lots of sort of Prosecco vibes coming out of the audience. A lot of groups of seven women going at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which, as we know from comedy clubs, they all worse behave than stag do's. Much worse, because they stick together. They stand up for each other. Yeah. They're a unit. And they're there to win right yes they're not there to be made fun of the production yeah we will win this and we will be the show look at me i am the show now because it's sandra's 40th it's sandra's 40th and she deserves this after everything that's happened exactly yeah so i thought oh fucking hell um but they were fairly well behaved but at the end when they were still like don't film or take photos of the grand finale who was it with their phones out all old gray head men

completely ignoring the rules huh all fucking boomer guys yeah taking little videos but what made me it was very very good it's an incredible production everything about it is brilliant and top notch and the singing is like astonishing and the main person playing tina turner has to act and sing as like different stages of tina turner and the actual tina turner and still do things in between yeah like the level of lung capacity it's insane it's insane more insane this person is as talented as Tina Turner plus the other stuff plus all the acting and dancing so it's amazing

but like all musician biopics it has to have the first 45 minutes has to be you ain't never gonna be a rock and roll singer boy the wrong kid died like in Dewey Cox, like Wolf Hard. You know, Elvis has that. Johnny Cash has that.

Why would anyone want to hear some hillbilly boy singing them old spirituals, hmm? And then hitting him with a scythe, something agricultural. The main message seems to be that if you were literally a mozart level musical genius from the age of four your parents would hate you if you were from the deep south yeah they were afraid of you everyone in talent and they thought you were the devil alabama and mississippi and texas and all these places they'd just be a little kid coming out with these

incredible tunes and the parents would be like you fucking little prick like just immediately they'd hate you bizarre and that has to happen a lot in tina turner yeah yeah it's gonna be tough watching like the biopic for like i don't know or just tame impala yeah. Were they at Cambridge? Mark Ronson? No, Tame Impala. Tame Impala. Well, he's Australian, Tame Impala.

Who was the one that was at Cambridge? Oh, Clean Bandit. Clean Bandit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the biopic for Clean Bandit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. You're going to have to play this may ball, and it's black tie, so you all better get yourselves suited up. You ain't going to piano tuition, because you haven't practiced your scales yet, young lady.

And I don't want to embarrass yourself in front of your tutor. You got your grade eights coming soon, and you better take it seriously, girl. Now get up to bed. You look tired. Get some rest. I'll bring you up your dinner. Unless you want to eat downstairs, it's up to you, girl.

I want you to feel comfortable. This is your home as well. Yeah, this doesn't quite have the same ring. We ain't gonna buy you no violin we're gonna rent you a violin until you have shown sufficient skill and dedication to the violin and then we'll buy you a violin and even then only one that is of a quality appropriate to your skill level which is not to say we won't upgrade you if you do get better but at this point it's like having l place on a ferrari all right you ain't no kid of mine

no kid of mine could be so talented and brilliant we have to come up with this genre It's good Of supportive Supportive biopic parents Supportive biopic parents Supportive biopic parent There's a new character now We've witnessed the birth of a new character The whole new genre Boy you got the devil in you

And that's why you're so good at Rock and roll He's got all the best tunes Carry on Well, I do have to Before we go to correspondence Speaking of movies I did see an excellent movie recently

Which was also the first premiere I've ever been to Because it's also the first premiere I've ever been to. Because it's also the first movie I've ever been in. In? In! And it's Wonka! It's Wonka. Your humble, smelly,

pod bud, Phil, is in the upcoming Wonka movie. For a moment, for a moment, but what a magical moment phil is in it being poopy being nice i'm not that poopy in it they wouldn't let me be poopy but um it's great it's very exciting to be at a premiere is um it's so glitzy and glamoury who did you see that was there anyone you saw at the premiere that made you go oh well i mean the main cast timothy chalamet was there anyone you saw at the premiere that made you go oh well i mean the main cast

timothy chalamet was there hugh grant rome atkinson hegan michael key uh olivia coleman yep she must be in everything yeah it's a kind of it's a kind of i mean hugh grant having hugh grant in the room was just like oh it's like you know the scenes when everything goes wavy because like two worlds have melded or like yeah into the tv and things go yeah it's like you know the scenes when everything goes wavy because like two worlds have melded or like yeah into the tv and things are wobble wobble wobble yeah it's like oh yeah i'm i'm i'm in i'm in the movies now because hugh grant is in the same physical space as i am and he's bending gravity around himself yeah but it's a great it's a it's a beautiful beautiful film beautiful film fabulous film it's a beautiful film it's great christmassy beautiful film, it's a great Christmassy film

It's really nice actually It just got five stars in the Guardian No And the review mentions me Does it? It does What does it say? Five stars in spite of

A very repulsive dance Yeah, well I mean What's important is that they mention me Yeah I actually don't want to say because it does Impulsive dance? Yeah, well, I mean, what's important is that they mention me. Yeah. I actually don't want to say because it kind of gives away my involvement. Okay. But if you want to give it away to yourself, you can just read the Guardian review.

But it was very cool to be mentioned in the five-star review of Wonka. That's a post-it quote. It's out on the 8th of December. I'm going to end up seeing quite a few times because i'm going to go with my family that's gonna be weird taking my family buying tickets with my family to go to the cinema and bath to watch uh to watch me in a movie to watch me in a thing yeah i'm gonna feel like margot robbie in uh once upon a time in hollywood you know when she goes on her own to see a movie she's in oh yeah she's like smiling there she's looking around watching everyone watch the movie oh that's a nice i like that scene get up and do a dance do the dance from the movie that'll be fun

in front of the screen along with yourself sprint to the front and just get carried out no it's me look look it's me please of course we everyone says it's them we're all in the wonka film sir and then i'm good really triumphs i get that i could really try i get thrown into a cell in the basement of the bath odian and there are other guys in there and they all just go that you said you're in the movie too what the and they all look a bit like timothy chalamet but not really like they all they all look a bit like they're thin and they look similar to him yeah but they all have like eye bags and crow's feet and like like they visibly are like in their 40s and 50s but still his vibe yeah yeah and they're like smoking there yeah you're like no but i and they're like we're all in the movie we're all yeah we're all in wonka um yeah but it's very exciting um

do do catch your fill in in wonka which is a weird thing to say yeah um what's the next movie you want to be in what biopic would you like to be in oh i'd like to be in the biopic what biopic is likely to be made anytime soon yeah kissing a. Has there been a Kissinger one? No, but that would be a hell of a one. Yeah, it would be one of those decade-spanning ones. Yeah. Yeah, because they'd have to include his war service and stuff. Yeah, I don't think there's very many people who look like me.

Although he did meet Mao. The first Chinese leader he met and worked with was Mao. So maybe I could be Mao. How old was Mao by then? By the 70s, he was pretty old. Right. Or was it the 60s? But yeah, he was pretty old by then.

Because Kissinger died at 100. Yeah. And Mao was in charge from 48, 47? I don't know. He beat the Kuomintang. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been right after the war. Yeah.

And so then there's another 30 years on top of that. Right, yeah. So he would have been at least 50 because you can't win that as a 20-year-old. He must have been a bit older. Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah, you'd have to do some... You'd have to get some pretty crazy wigs to get that Mao hair. Yeah. Around the sides Mao hair. Yeah. Around the sides. Around the sides. That's when you know you're too powerful a dictator.

When people won't tell you that you should really just shave the sides of your fucking head. But it's also always impressive to have a hairstyle that is definitely you. We've had hair for so long. Visual branding. You think all the styles have been done by now. Phil was just being sick into his mouth there a bit because of the idea

of having that hair. Yeah. Yeah, well, you want it as part of a visual brand. Yes, exactly. Yeah. To have that distinct... What is it?

Silhouette. Silhouette. Well, Richard Osman's hair is quite distinctive. Or his head, brackets, general. It is, because it's just so is because it continues his body's theme Of tall Long

But it's also like because it's on those mugs From Yeah and it's his hair and his glasses And that must have I wonder how long he had the same hair How long did he stick with it I reckon he's got a sort of Mark Zuckerberg style Hair situation where it's just like One less decision to make in the day I'll have this hair now How long did he stick with it? I reckon he's got a sort of Mark Zuckerberg style hair situation

where it's just like one less decision to make in the day. I'll have this hair now. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah, maybe. All the more time for making entertainment. All the more time for looking through the matrix

of what the British population wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like a sort of in-world version of the architect. Yes, yeah. The people would like a show about knitting but sir why would anyone want to watch it just holds up a finger knitting and then the chair revolves yeah in this infinite white space i think that's his home office yeah an infinite white space. Some guys look like manning a printout of lines that just keep going up. My God, I love it. They've got a captured chimp that they've sort of hooked up to have the brain of a British person who's about 43. And they just pick up like a very old like a 60s desk mic

and go knitting and then the monkey just starts going like freaking out he loves it and they go right they like it knitting I think that's the only way that we can explain his great success

Yeah yeah yeah He's a kind of savant Old Osman But all that is to say Watch Wonka, go see Wonka Tell your friends about Wonka Say that everyone in the castle Wonka should have their own movie How long is it?

How long is the movie? Two hours, just under two hours That's good These days Anything under two hours. That's good. Yeah, it's good. These days. These days. Anything under two hours is quick. Who makes it? It's not Disney. No.

Warner Brothers. It's Warner Brothers. Yeah. Disney can't make a damn thing. What do you mean? You know that movie? Well, you won't because it's like crashing out and making no money. Wish?

Oh, yeah. Frank saw it with his son and he really liked it but i've just never heard of it this is it is a pixar one right a disney pixar one yeah i think so now is it just called disney i don't know but it's a disney but it's like all these every every few months all fail a new slightly different version of a girl with a slightly different version of a pet yeah and then a slight then just a new title that's one word and quite forgettable yeah oh is this another one or is this like a ripoff by a different company of disney's last one yeah and the girl will have her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised

yeah yeah yeah she's sassy but also like hopeful and earnest yeah like oh another one is it okay okay who's the funny sidekick in this one and they go oh it's um hang on let me check here um it is a finger puppet that's come to life of a clown and you go okay uh who's the enemy and they go it's a truck it's a big truck and you go right okay yeah

all right what's the type of magic in this yeah what nationality of magic is it this time yeah yeah is it for the Hispanic demographic is it sort of vaguely

North Poli kind of Finnish Lapland is it like is it voodoo stuff is it day of the dead North Poli, kind of Finnish Lapland? Is it voodoo stuff? Is it Day of the Dead magic? Is it witchy magic? Is it Chinesey magic? Is it Shinto magic?

What flavor of magic are we working with? Have we had African magic? In a Disney film? I can't think of. Somewhere out there, a Disney exec pod bud is feverishly scribbling down the next idea we've got to sell africa to the midwest it is funny that most stuff hollywood doesn't sell to africa more because like especially that i mean particularly the population of nigeria is just kind of sleeping china almost there's 190 million nigerians yeah

they'll be relatively prosperous country. It's weird that... It's just so unequal though. It's not spread out. As in the wealth? Yeah. Right, yeah, yeah. But it still feels like the kind of thing

you could make... People would go to the cinema. You know, you could make money from cinema tickets. But then every... I bet you there's a graph somewhere where every point that you dial up Nigerian appeal that dials down appeal in like... Well, or China and China yeah I mean more China than there's probably some equation out there where for every every black person you put in a film

the Chinese fucking cinema takings go down by like a billion yuan yeah and they're just like it's an expensive casting Chinese hate uh hate either non-white or non... Or non-straight. Non-straight, non-white, brackets Chinese. Yeah, I mean, we joke, but... We joke, but that is almost certainly a calculation that's made. It must be, because it is quite striking, the attitudes and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where were we at in the... Well, speaking uh attitudes that are quite striking it's time for some correspondence correspondence correspondence Correspondence Correspondence Okay So we have

An email from How do they sign it off That's the key I would say Gmail is the worst App I've ever downloaded in my life It's an absolute pile of shit and I hate it I'm sorry Well you should be you made it

None of the mail apps seem very good anyway which is an insane thing to say like for my my apple mail one sometimes they'll just go no there's no message here actually yeah they just go i'll go my iphone and go look i'll throw my iphone to my laptop say look it's on the iphone why and on the laptop just go oh we can't find it yeah but it's the same you're looking at the same place Or you search for a really distinctive noun To find an email And they go Did you mean these hundreds of mailing list emails

That you thought you'd deleted? You go, no, I didn't actually Why would I look for those? Anyway, it's from Diane Diane, my man Not My woman My man

My woman Good gay Good gay Good gay Good gay Good gay woman. Good gay. Good gay. Good gay. Good gay. Good gay, guys. Good gay. Good gay.

That's what happens when they shut down the gay club for the night. All right, everyone. Good gay. Travel home. Be safe. Good gay. See you tomorrow. Good gay.

Like it's a bowls club. Good day, Chucky Kentucky and Marjorie. Ah. Chucky Kentucky. I. Chucky Kentucky. I wrote a few years ago with a tale of my marathon victory covered in poo. Uh-huh. You'll be glad to know I have since

raced and won other marathons without soiling myself. Ooh, dry victories. Dry victories. At last, it is possible. Alas, my only poo stories of late relate to the observation That when one is out with one's dog On a countryside walk or run And needs to use the leafy loo

One's canine chum can often be keen to help you Clean up the mess you leave behind Oh for god's sake I thought this was going to be a nice story About taking a dog for a walk And instead it's the most horrible image I'll encounter today, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully.

Is that just me and my dog or is it more? It's probably every dog. I remember one of my strongest childhood memories is watching my younger sister who was of toddler age do a bunch of like a trail of poos in the basement and then our

dog Bella, a dumb dumb very dumb chow chow chow just sort of eat them like one after the other like she was following a a trail to the gingerbread house yeah just oh next one a trail of little poos a trail of little poos yeah you just stood there with your head in your hands. Yeah, it was a house my sister meant to find her way home now. Yeah, it seems to be a general thing. Dan says I live in Spain. Ooh la la.

The rain there stays mainly on the plane, I hear. I quite often take sneaky photos of hilariously named items in shops, trying not to point and laugh loudly as my partner is a Hispaniola and can be slightly offended. Oh, really? Sneaky pictures.

Terrible. One example I can remember is there's a really famous bread brand called Bimbo. Great. And so you'll see trucks and huge cardboard station thingies with the name on them. Bimbo. As you can see, the mascot isn't a ditzy lady, but an adorable teddy bear. Who knows what the bear has seen? So that's, I'll show you.

That's really funny. How do you describe that? It's like a white chef teddy bear. It's got a chef hat on. It's like an ice white teddy. He's sort of leaning over the words the word bimbo and smiling straight at the camera going wearing a big chef's hat but underneath him though it just says in big red letters bimbo and um his his hat's got a red b on it great like a scarlet letter

for bimbos for bimbo so this bear is a kind of idiotic sort of idiot slut Yes, a slutty dumb bear Yeah, a slutty dumb bear Interesting, bimbo But they make great bread This is the thing people don't know about slutty bears Dumb slutty bears make great bread Those are your last words

before you die It sounds like a mnemonic It sounds like something you needonic. It sounds like something you need to remember. Oh, okay. Dumb slutty bears make great bread. If everyone remembers

the order of the planets, just remember dumb slutty bears. DSBMGB. DSBMGB. DSBMGB. Dumb slutty bears make great bread.

Dumb slutty bears make great bread. Dumb suchy bears make great bread. Don't steal bullion. Make good. Don't steal bullion. Make gold bars. Nice. Yeah. It's about, yeah it's fort knox's motto if you go to fort knox you can see everyone they're going dumb slutty bears make rib bread

yeah okay yeah that's our code of conduct summed up to this bimbo um another thing that they sell is something called kios C-A-L-L-O-S Oh yeah Which can be translated as calluses If you get a rough patch on your skin It's the word Kayo But it's actually beef tripe stew Wow, okay

I just love the idea, vomit emoji Of buying a delicious tin of calluses And indeed the reality is in fact far of buying a delicious tin of calluses. And indeed the reality is in fact far worse for a vegetarian like me. It's like, yes, the name might not be entirely appetizing but what it actually describes is a

disgusting dish. Those travel shows. Now a big tin of calluses might not sound very appetizing but uh if you were to open it inside you discover something even worse um anyway so i was looking for a notebook in this fancy shopping site called amazon oh i've heard of it amazon she says oh On Amazon. And I found the monstrosity attached. Now, let's see if you can translate this. Well, okay. Yeah. It's tat, but it's in Spanish.

International whispering. International whispering. Una gran esteticista es difícil de encontrar. Difícil de dejar e imposible de olvidar. It's hard to find. It's hard to leave. It's impossible to forget. A big testicle is difficult to hide, but not impossible if you really try.

So it's a great estheticist. No idea. It's hard to find. esteticista. No idea. Es difícil de encontrar. It's difficult to... Encontrar. Encounter. Yes, to find. To find.

Difficil de dejar. Difficult. Okay. Es imposible de olvidar. And impossible to olvidar. I think forget, yes. So it translates as a great aesthetician. What's an aesthetician?

I think it's like a beautician. Oh, like an aesthetician. Aesthetics. A great aesthetician is hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget. It strikes me as a bizarre... and it's a notepad. Huh. A dedicated beautician Apparently

It strikes me as a bizarrely specific gift That provokes a series of deep questions I myself have never used an aesthetician A beautician we'd probably call them So my lack of versedness Combined with linguistic and cultural distance I think helps me to see this artifact For the bat poo that it is

Keep calm and jack it on, Diane Thanks, Diane Thank Thanks, Diane. Thank you, Diane. Lovely to get an emissive from Spain. Yeah. Bimbo. Bimbo. Bimbo bread.

Bimbo. Come get your bread from your bimbo. Let's see. I just love to wake up in the morning and walk down to the bimbo and get some nice fresh bread from the bimbo. Bimbo bread? Bimbo bread? Bimbo bread?

You've got the strong arms of a bimbo. Muchas gracias. You've got the forearms of a bimbo over there. So a quick one from Sam. Sam, hot clams. Hot clams. Hot clams. Hot clams. Dear Messrs. Wangthraxon Novellichock.

Nice, we've never been poisons. Nerve agents, I guess. Nerve agents. Yes. Praise redacted, I have an offering for the altar of the Church of Dirty Boys and Girls. The altar is open, my child. On a recent visit to an all-you-can-eat vegetarian Indian restaurant in Archway,

I looked wide-eyed on what could only be described as an onslaught of tat. Great. In the upstairs there were various peppy slogans about vegetables. You say tomato, we say anti-aging. Okay. And some words of wisdom about eating vegetables. It was downstairs in

the gents where things got a little odder. Uh-oh. In the narrow corridor, hence the double picture here, capturing different aspects of the horror, I saw a collage of tat showing the true reason for becoming a vegetarian, e.g. growing a massive cucumber dong. What? Yeah.

It says grow a massive cucumber dong? Well, that's just what he says in the text. Oh, okay. Alongside, there was a collection of stock photos of pretty women, presumably all of whom were waiting for your meat-free pre-epic transformation what's pre-epic uh pre-epic means of or relating to erections oh when you have an erection that lasts for longer than four hours and you have to go to the hospital that's a pre-epism yes so if you describe someone as particularly pre-epic, it means they're horny and have boners all the time. Wow. Okay.

Bonerific, I guess it means. Yeah. Yeah. So he's attached the words of wisdom. And it is lots of things about how like you're marvelous and wise if you're a vegetarian. Yeah. Yeah. You say tomato.

We say anti-aging. Very good. Yeah. Research suggests vegetarian food can be really orgasmic and it's a massive sort of cucumber dick a recent survey our recent survey one recent survey claims vegetarians capitalize for no reason have a more robust sex life is it true well it can't harm to find out can it it can't harm it can't harm and then it says call the vegetarian society on phone number and we'll send you our full information pack and then underneath that apropos of nothing They can't harm. They can't harm. And then it says, call the Vegetarian Society on phone number, and we'll send you our full information pack.

And then underneath that, apropos of nothing, it just says, the tomato is the elixir. And elixir is capitalized. The tomato is the elixir. Oh, wow. He has a lot going on. In a completely different section of the poster. The cucumber poster has got that yellow and black color scheme of, like, a smoking, an anti-smoking advert.

Yeah. But also just like, give us a ring and we'll send you an information pack. And then as you turn to leave, okay, thanks. They grab you by the collar and pull you in close. The tomato is the elixir. Quake. What? Nothing.

Good day to you, sir. You are in grave danger. The tomato is the elixir. you are in grave danger the tomato is the elixir and then just a sort of collage of sexy Asian ladies East Asian ladies

East Asian yeah I was expecting South Asian and then a pilot just a white guy dressed in a pilot's uniform I'm a pilot how am I meant to be on the right poster now that's very weird that's extremely unsettling guy dressed in the pilot's uniform i'm a pilot how am i meant to be on the right poster now that's very weird that's extremely unsettling yeah if you become vegetarian you'll get a cucumber penis and you can fuck all these east asian women and maybe a white male pilot

wow the tomatoes the elixir what what gone there hasn't been a horny vegetarian here for over 50 years. I think if vegetarians do have better sex lives or crazier sex lives on average, it's because they are statistically more likely to also be sort of polyamorous hippies. They're also more likely not to feel like this after dinner. Oh, God. I don't know. Oh, boy. I can't right now. I just need to lie down. I don't know. Oh, boy.

I can't right now. I just need to lie down. I don't know. I went to a vegan diner once. Oh. And I felt like that after. Because it's all just like different ways of like whipping up. Satan.

It's just oil and feta and like. Yeah. And starch. Bread and oil and starch. Oh, boy. Gluten. Just tofu. Yummy.

I had some tofu for lunch. You had tofu for lunch. Yummy. I had some tofu for lunch. You had tofu for lunch? Yeah. I often have tofu for lunch. I love it. I love it. What do you do to it to make it actually nice? What did you do to this?

It doesn't need much doing. Put in some sauce. Cook in some sauce. If you get tofu puffs, cut them in half and put them in if you're having a noodle soup. Spicy like ramen or something. And then while they're cooking, you give each tofu puff a squeeze. And when you release, it soaks up all the soup into the porousness. And then it's delicious when you eat it.

Sponge. Yeah. It's a sauce sponge, but it's also tasty, nutritious beans. Very well. This is because it's beans and sauce, essentially. That's why you don nutritious beans. Very well. This is because it's beans and sauce, essentially. That's why you don't like it. Yeah. Also, meat is the source of the sauce,

whereas tofu is only a recipient. Yes, but... No one's ever like, make sure you roast your tofu to get all the lovely sauce out of it. No, no, no. Tofu's not got an overwhelming flavor. I'm not saying it does. No, it needs the sauce. It is a nice recipient of flavor. No, no, no. No, no. Tofu's not got an overwhelming flavor. I'm not saying it does.

No, it needs the sauce. It is a nice recipient of flavor. Yeah, it's a one-way street. Yeah, for sure. It's a flavor cul-de-sac. The flavor cars can park there. Yes, yes. But they can't travel through.

It's a multi-story car park for flavor. Well, now it's time to go to the VIP basement of a vegetarian restaurant Can we go to Multistory Car Park? Yeah okay VIP Multistory Car Park of the Patreon Yes see Patreons there otherwise

buy tickets to Bud Pod Christmas Live Smelly Cratmas Watch Wonka when it comes out and continue to love us both in any way you can find please much love bye bye