BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 246 - Chestynuts presents BUDPOD LIVE!

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

Advent calendar as a job, presents exchange, Mulled Lucky Kentucky, moist heads, eduroam, elf pranks, correspondence from Joe’s wedding escapade featuring The Blue, tat from Sweeter Peter, Gabrielle’s INCREDIBLE swimming pool dad prank Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bud Pod 246! two four six oh your candy sticks yeah i'm a big candy stick that's what they call aren't they candy sticks famously called candy sticks famous old candy sticks look there's no it's not my fault there's no number that rhymes with cane. It's candy sticks, okay? To be fair, sometimes they don't have the crook, and so they're no longer a cane, are they? Then there would be a candy stick. Then there's a candy stick.

Unfortunately, I definitely got a hook on my head. Yeah, what's happening there? It's quite French Revolution in some ways, isn't it? Yeah, for the listener at home, I'm wearing a hat that is the top of a candy cane, which is the curved bit, and it's curving up sort of forwards. So if you can imagine,

you can only see the cane in profile, really. Yeah, dead on, it's like a shark's fin. Yeah, you don't want to see this poking out at the top of the sea when you're swimming. Candy cane! What? Candy cane! And you get hooked on the neck with a cane. Yeah. And then you're just a bit more festive.

For a bit. But it's very painful. If you're a diabetic swimmer, you... Oh, yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, that's making me really risky. Where did you... Did you steal this from the set of Wonka? Yeah, they had to cut a whole scene because they couldn't find this.

Sorry, kids. Loads of American PAs. Can we get Wonka's cane? I'm just running away from the set. I bought this for... It's one of these things... I buy a costume for a party and then wear it once

and then I can't bear myself to get rid of it or put it away or donate it or throw it away. So I just put it in a corner of my bedroom. So this has just been in the corner of my bedroom for like three years. Even out of season which is just depressing. You put it in your dress-up box? Yeah, but

it's like a dress-up floor. I just have a dress-up corner of floor. It must look like you regularly use it in an erotic and private way. Well, there's no point putting it away. I get so much out of it. Very flattering of you to say I could use this in an erotic...

I don't know. It's like a sort of anglerfish's... I don't know. Maybe you could use it of anglerfish's... I don't know. Maybe you could use it to lure people in for a kiss. They think they're going to get the cane, and then they get the kiss. Right, like in old vaudeville acts where an act would be pulled off stage with a long cane.

I do it, but it's for a little kiss. You put your head sideways and hook someone towards you and give them a smooch. But in a festive way. In a festive way, yeah. Not in an illegal way. Festive, consens festive way. In a festive way, yeah. Not in a legal way. In a festive, consensual way. Is there anything more Christmassy than consent?

No. No. I don't think so. No, I don't think so. A holiday when an old man breaks into your house. A man who has been watching you for the whole year. And judging you. Yeah.

We should exchange gifts. Oh, yes, we got each other little gifts. Mine is very bad. Quickly before we do, I just want everyone to know I've got a little green bow as well. All right? Yeah, yeah. It is odd that we didn't mention that. It does make it seem like that's the part that we're most fine with.

Yeah. He's wearing a... It's a sort of costume. It's got like a Velcro thing at the back. Big green bow tie. Velvet. Shiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's definitely not velvet for the price I paid for it. It's definitely very flammable. Yeah. But it does look a bit velvety. I mean, Merry early Christmas to everyone, by the way. Merry early Christmas. If you haven't actually said hello. Happy holidays.

Thank you, Podbuds, for coming to this beautiful Bloomsbury Theatre. It's so nice. Give it up to yourselves for making it out. Also, finding it. It's not where a theatre should be. Because we're in a university.

Yeah, good for you. But I... Every time I open my phone and there's an edgy Rome. Wi-Fi network. I'm like, should I be here? I'm going to get thrown out. I'm going to get thrown out. It does feel weird to have such a nice theatre

and then all the surrounding buildings are like the admin office of the archaeology research department. Yeah, really specific. And like one pub for people who have their trains been cancelled at King's Cross. This is the only fun building for like a mile. Yeah. And it's still a theatre. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. An oasis of art. So this is my bad gift I got for you. Okay, great. I got it mainly because I was so confused by it. Okay, so this is a confusing gift? Yes. Okay.

So it's called an elf personalized warning sign. And for the listeners at home, it's like a wet floor sign. Oh, yeah. But it says, warning, don't get elf pranked. It says, warning, don't get elf pranked. And then there's a white panel where using the marker that comes with the gift, you can write something. I'm not sure what.

Perhaps your name? A warning to yourself? Right. And then the company that has made this, their logo is at the bottom there, Elves Behavin' Badly. And you can take that seriously because they're such naughty elves, they have left the G off the word behaving, which is

the sign of a true psychopath. I don't think I've ever seen less of an attempt at a pun than don't get elf pranked. Yeah. It's literally a wet floor sign warning thing. It could have been elf and safety.

Yeah, it's already. Huge open goal there. Maybe that's part of how the elves are behaving badly. Is they are trying to subvert even the notion of humor. Well, presumably with the marker pen that comes with it and the blank space

on the warning wet floor-ish sign, you're meant to write the name of the person you give this to. That you're trying to warn them to don't get elf pranked. But that isn't a play on normal warning signs. They're not personalized yeah I would be terrified if I walk through Victoria Station wet floor PA how did I gain this reputation this is just an old janitor smiling at you.

I'm looking out for you, bud. This is lovely. Thank you so much. It's so confusing. It is very confusing. I'm trying, racking my brains to come up with something to do with this. I mean, I guess I do

spill water all the time. Do you do spill water on all the time. Do you? I spill the liquids all the time. Do you? Yeah. Huh. And I do normally wipe them up with a microfiber straight away. Yeah.

But water will evaporate, so I don't mind leaving that. So maybe I'll just put that. Yeah. I'll write my name there and I'll just don't get elf pranked. Don't get elf pranked. Fill of a tiny, because they are tiny puddles, so that actually is kind of cute. That kind of works. It's about the size...

It would be perfect for a puddle about the size of a dog's head. A very accurate and worrying example to use for size. Yeah. Excellent. Don't get elf pranked. Merry Christmas, Phil. Thank you very much, Pierre. I thought, you know who's been getting elf pranked a lot this year?

Phil. And he should be reminded. I won't solve the elves, but I'll warn him. My gifts for you are not fun. Okay. They're not fun. I should caveat. We have given each other real gifts.

Oh, yeah. We've given each other real nice gifts. Yeah. Diamond rings and stuff. But these are the fun gifts. Okay. It's in a kind of purple bag that I sewed. A purple rustly bag. Yeah, diamond rings and so on. But these are the fun gifts. Okay, it's in a kind of purple bag, a purple rustly bag. It's a purple rustly bag, and it's all paper bag. I associate that kind of bag with either quite fancy things from a nice shop,

or a sort of pewter wizard. A pewter wizard, pewter being a mix of tin and silver. Yeah. Those kind of sculptures you get from shops that sell crystals, but also like a Gandalf bomb. Yeah. And there's some very on-the-line, unlicensed Lord of the Rings merch.

Oh, yes. In the window. And you sort of go, is that... That's towing the line there. It's visibly supposed to be a bit like the movie Frodo, but they don't say who it is.

No, yeah, and it's called like King of the Wands. You know, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gondorf. Gondorf. Gryldo and Gondorf. It also, I mean, it's a paper bag and it's the kind of thing that an American character in a TV show

would have their medicines put in at the pharmacy. Yes, the many prescriptions. And what I've got for you actually is a bit like that. Oh, good. Medicine that lasts. The first one is, I mean, the more fun of them, it's a little bottle of Slogin. Oh, that's very nice. That's very Christmassy, Slogin. It's Christmassy and it's nice,

but it's bad because it was just at the counter. It was by the cashier. Really? Yeah, it was one of those impulse. Just gin by the counter. It's impulse gin. But I thought, oh, that's nice. That is nice and worrying for society.

Normally it's like a little treat, isn't it? Like, you know, sort of an almond bar. But in this shop they went, neat gin. Just, oh yeah, a little pick-me-up. Neat gin in a bottle small enough that you can put in a pocket. Yeah. And just have with you all day. Slow, of course, being a type of berry.

A lot of people don't know what slow is. Yeah, I assumed it's like the gin just made sort of... Made slow. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it. So you sort of sip it at lunch before going back to your office and having a much nicer afternoon.

Very nice. Thank you very much. Yeah, so you can down that during the show. Yeah, sorry, I'll quickly drink that. I don't think we're allowed to. No, I don't think we're allowed to. The university authorities will stop us. Well, because it's glass and potentially dangerous, I want to put it under the warning,

do not get elf-pranked. Don't get elf-pranked. Slow gin. Did you have another? That's all you're getting. That's my only gift. That's your only gift. That's fine, because it's so excellent. And my gift is so crap, because my other gifts...

And this is just something I think I really love. And it's really changed my life. And it's a new passion of mine. It's just moisturizer. It's PM moisturizer. It's to put on before you go to sleep. It's PM moisturizer. It's to put on before you go to sleep. It's so nice. And my makeup ladies have been losing their minds over my skin.

Your skin never needed any help. No, that's very kind of you. Stop it. But your skin is also nice. I don't know. But what I've discovered by moisturizing slightly, I don't know. But what I've discovered by moisturizing slightly,

by having just the faintest whiff of a skin routine, is that instantly I'm in the top fifth percentile of men skin-wise. Really? Because men don't do this. That's true. Men don't moisturize. If you do literally anything. Whenever I say this in front of a couple, the girlfriend will smack the boyfriend in the arm and go,

See? See? Because they won't do it. Whenever I say this in front of a couple, the girlfriend will smack the boyfriend in the arm and go, see? See. Because they won't do it. My problem is that I think I have a very moist head. Yeah, but this is the thing. Apparently, your head makes moist because you dry out. Why does my head make moist? Your head makes moist because when you wash and you dry out, your skin then has to go into overdrive to replace the moisture, and you get greasy.

But if you make your head moist, you scare your head. You show your head who's boss. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You show your head who's moisturizing who around here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And your head's moisturizing who around here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your head will back off. Okay, fine, man.

You can have it. Like, I used to be greasier than this. And then I moisted myself. And now... At nighttime. At nighttime and in the daytime. I have an AM one that's got SPF in it. You have an AM?

But baby steps, Pierre. Yeah. You're already scaring me saying something in the morning as well as in the night time. Directions. Apply liberally as often as needed. Avoid contact with eyes. That means apply whilst believing in the sanctity of the self.

Yes, yes. And personal freedoms. Yes, apply while believing in personal freedoms. Yeah, that's what I mean. You should actually use very little. Thank you very much. I'll try it out and then maybe I'll get a moist enough head I can put a warning sign on my head.

Warning slippery head. Yeah. I'll write my name on it. Thank you so much. And now the gifts for everyone in the audience. No, I'm sorry. I wish.

Look at that. Very well done. We're going to have a very healthy, happy 2024 now. You're going to be very drunk and very slippery. Drunk and slippery and you're going to finally be free from those damn elf pranks.

Whatever those are. Here, I have a question for you about Christmas. Oh! I was pondering it today. Give it to me. You look like a guy who knows a lot about Christmas right now. Do you remember that guy? He'd be on the news once a year, and he was that guy somewhere in England who celebrated Christmas every day. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that guy? Do you remember that guy who... He'd be on the news once a year, and he was that guy somewhere in England who celebrated Christmas every day.

Oh, yeah. Do you remember that guy? Do you remember this guy? He's on the BBC. Like, BBC would go, it's Christmas, so here's this fucking freak again. And he'd be the same old guy. And he'd go, yep, still doing it.

And his wife is there like, he's still fucking doing it. I dressed a bit like him right now. You're going to him on what should be the most boring day to go to him. Right, yeah. Because his house looks like a bit like him. You're going to him on what should be the most boring day to go to him. Right, yeah. Because his house looks like your house should look. Because it's fucking Christmas.

Go to him on the 1st of July and go, look, he's pouring sweat forcing another roast potato into his fucking mouth. Refusing to let himself wear shorts. What's your Christmas question? So that could be who you are from now on. Here's my question.

What is the least Christmassy meal? Oh, of all the meals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was having a think today because I thought, I have a suggestion for this category, the least Christmassy food or meal. But I will exempt all takeaways

because any takeaway food is about indulging yourself and eating too much and handing out lots of little bits and that is inherently Christmassy. So... Hewl? Yeah. Yeah. It even rhymes with gruel.

Yeah, it's the kind of thing a naughty child would find in their stocking. Yeah. You better be good at getting a heel in your stocking. You're going to get loose heel in your stocking. Ebenezer Scrooge would just sit with his heel. And the kid's really angry and he's like,

I'll show you, and just starts eating the heel. You've got to become stronger to wreak his revenge. Yeah, heel is, if you saw someone, if you're walking down the street on Christmas Day and you starts eating the heel. He's got to become stronger to wreak his revenge. Yeah, heel is... If you saw someone... If you're walking down the street on Christmas Day and you looked in the window and someone was just drinking heel... Yeah.

You'd be like, oh, my God, what has happened? You'd try and gather the whole town together to help them. Yeah, I'd be like, it's a wonderful life. Yeah. Oh, my God, you're drinking heel? What is he saying? You're beautiful. You can't drink you on Christmas Day.

Is this your Jimmy Stewart? Yeah, that's my Jimmy Stewart, obviously. You can't, come on, you can't drink you on Christmas Day. You can't, come on, come on, you can't drink't. Come on. Come on. You can't drink Huel. This is up there with your Geordie accent, I think.

What's your Jim Stewart? Oh, he's drinking Huel on Christmas Day. That sounded exactly like the one I did. That's true. It was the same. I was going to say hot dogs. Hot dogs. But the pigs in blankets. No, but I mean like a baseball game.

Oh, in the bun. With relish on and in the bun and stuff. I just think it's. No, but I mean like a baseball game. Oh, in the bun. With relish on and in the bun and stuff. I just think it's the least Christmassy thing I can imagine. Right, yeah, that's pretty bad. But I feel like the Frankfurters are just too close to a pig in a blanket. They're cousins. Kewl's worse.

Kewl is genuinely an upsetting mental image. Someone saying Merry Christmas as they go, kishlonk, kishlonk, kishlonk, and shake it in their little protein shake shaker. You saying, Merry Christmas as they go, kshlong, kshlong, kshlong. And like, shake it in their little protein shake shaker. You go, oh, Jesus, man. You know in Japan, they go to KFC on Christmas. I've heard this. Yeah. You have to book months in advance because KFC gets booked out for Christmas Day.

Insane. And Christmas Day is also sort of their Valentine's Day. Their family celebration day is New Year's Day. Ha! Well, speaking of commercialism, Phil, we've reached the time where we need to go do an advert from our Christmas sponsor.

Yeah, we have a sponsor. The only way we could afford to have Bud Pod Live in such a fabulous modern theatre is with some sponsorship that we now have to redown. We try not to have ads on this show. But, you know, the elf warning signs don't pay for themselves. And so... So my iPad doesn't recognize me because of the candy cane. Your iPad is saying,

Phil Wang's not normally this Christmassy. Christmas. Christmas Is there a more magical time of the year Than Christmas We here at Luggy Kentucky Say hell no And you'd better agree Or you're going to hell now. Christmas is that one special

time of the year when people all over the world put aside their differences and come together to celebrate. Whether they're in England, America, or even Canada. The varied and diverse people of our planet wish each other peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Men. Men of different races and creeds. Whether they live somewhere weird and foreign like Australia or somewhere

completely made up like New Zealand. They may not speak the same language but on Christmas Day they put down their guns and knives and boomerangs and stop fighting for one goddamn day to join each other hand in hand and wish happy birthday to a baby from a book most of them haven't actually read and to celebrate the single day of peace when the endless bloodshed the human race is cursed to wreak upon itself is paused and we wish each other good tidings through gritted, trembling teeth we have created Mold Lucky Kentucky

Mold Lucky Kentucky is our Christmas offering with the same deep rich Lucky Kentucky taste you know and love more than your own family but infused with the festive flavors of cinnamon

cloves star anise and an entire roast turkey did you know that turkeys store a niece and an entire roast turkey. Did you know that turkeys have to be artificially inseminated now because they have been bred over time to grow such large breasts they can no longer

mate naturally because of their sexual organs that can't reach each other no more? We do Because we know Christmas We know whiskey And we know Christ died for our sins And on the day of judgment he will return and judge the good and the wicked but we just hope he likes our whiskey mulled lucky Kentucky drink a glass of Christmas this Christmas before the pain starts again

well done Well done. That was... We only have one microphone, sorry. That was a good one they sent us. Yeah. I like that fact about turkeys. Yeah, isn't that fascinating? Yeah, because the chests are too big now. The chests are too big, they can't fuck anymore.

They can't fuck. So a man has to inject turkey jizz into the lady turkey. They're too delicious to fuck. Or too sexy to fuck somehow. Which one is it?

Well, the too sexy... A Christmas riddle! Ah! Get that in your cracker It's this long fact about harrowing fact about turkeys and then just the riddle is

are they too delicious to fuck or too sexy to be delicious Oh I don't Grandma what do you think What do you think the answer is We'll all go around one by one and say what we think the answer is? We'll all go around one by one and say what we think the answer is. Do you ever try anything else other than turkey?

Do you have a turkey? Is that your main family centerpiece? At Christmas, is there a centerpiece turkey? Yeah, we tend to have a turkey. Sometimes people fuck around with goose. Yeah. I wouldn't even know where to get one. I tried to do stand-up once about a conundrum

that I don't know if I've ever mentioned on Bud Pod, the goose fat conundrum. Because we all know about the goose fat fucking roast potatoes fact, right? Like, everyone's like, that's the best way to do roast potatoes. And then at Christmas time, you walk into supermarkets and they've started selling it to accommodate this rumor. Oh, right. It sounds like you're a denier.

But here's my problem, because I look at it and I go, there's like an acre of jars of goose fat in this big supermarket. Where are the geese? Where are the geese? Where are the geese? You don't get the fat from the goose by asking. You get it by roasting the goose. So there is a mountain of roast goose

being what? Just landfilled in the woods somewhere. Where they go, if only people liked the meat as well. Oh well. Just dumped in a fucking ravine. Or we are just harvesting

the fat off them. Yeah. And people just sneak up to them and steal the fat off them. And that's why they're always so pissed off. That's why they're so angry. Yeah, they're always so angry. Because they're freezing cold. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, we know what you want. What if what they've done is they've created a series of television shows where artificially enhanced geese, who are sexier than the average goose, have shamed normal body type geese to the point where they go to our plastic surgeons for help. And they put the fat back on them? No, they liposuction the fat off the geese so they slender.

Oh, right, I see, I see. We've made the geese insecure. Ah. Right, and then the surgeons are selling the goose fat to the supermarkets. Fucking A. Maybe this is my conspiracy theory now. What's incredible is that this is not even the maddest conspiracy theory that's out there.

No, this would be like, people would scroll past it. Yeah. Maybe. Could be. Quite possible. Yeah. But sometimes, my younger sister discovered or innovated in our house to, you know, when you brine the turkey. Oh, people are so impressed with the brining. You're a king briner.

You brine a lot. I'm glad I give the impression of someone who brines a lot. There was just a period when all you'd ever talk to me about was what you brined. Was brined. Yeah. Always brining. That was when I was a sailor. Yeah, you're like an old sea captain. Oh, they're briny deep, I kept saying.

Yeah, you kept saying you've got to put another chicken in Davy Jones' locker. Yeah. But they've got a big tub, and you make this brine according to this recipe and fill it with flavors and things. Put the fucking bird in there for like three days, two days. Yeah. And then it's non-dry turkey, and it's infused with flavors. Well, if the turkey doesn't want to be dry,

you know I should get a little bit of moisturizer. Just before it goes to bed. Just before it goes to bed. Just before it goes to bed. It could rub some of that on its distorted breasts. Are you brining your family's turkey this Christmas? Don't speak to me like that. I don't know. I think that made it sound like, am I going to try and provoke them around the dinner table?

This kid's really burning my turkey over here I think we might, I don't know It's generally some combination of turkey and like a gammon Oh yeah You eat snails I eat snails Sorry, on Christmas My family doesn't let me in the house

I eat itils. Sorry, on Christmas. My family doesn't let me in the house. Phil. I eat snails in the garden. You have to. But I thought I was a good boy this year. And they say, shut up, Phil, eat your snails. If Christmas dinner is in the garden, you'll find it. That's what they say. Yes, my grandmother was French,

and so my mother grew up having snails as the starter for Christmas dinner, escargot. And yeah, so that's what we do. We have escargot and then turkey. Yeah. Yeah. So turkey, no side meats. Oh, no, we have a gammon.

We call him Fred. He comes over every so often. He's a beep, beep, beep, beep. Pigs in blankies. Yeah, that counts, yeah. Chesty nuts. You talking like this, dressed like that, is really horrible. Oh, yeah, I forgot I looked like this.

Sorry. Pigs in blankies and chesty nuts is a horrible... Something about baby talk just disgusts me so much yeah i feel like someone batman would have to beat up and put away you know yeah you'll never catch me batman i've got chestnuts to collect yeah it's very like the christmas edition of the Right, yeah, yeah. When the villains were whimsical. Yeah, but then the 2024 re-adaptation is really harrowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who would play Chesty Nuts, the elf? Chesty Nuts, the murderous Christmas elf.

Who's a character actor who should be better than that? Who would sign up to it? Paul Dano. Well, but he's already in there now, Paul Dano. Willem Dafoe. Green Goblin. Anyone without any superhero credentials that we can think of?

Anthony Hopkins, that's pretty good. I feel like these guys are too old. Elijah Wood's a good shout. Elijah Wood, Chesty Nuts the Elf. Chalamet. Chalamet, of course. He's on track with Wonka. Wonka is basically a Batman villain.

Your colleague and friend. Wonka is basically a Batman villain in a city without Batman, where he's just been allowed to establish a factory run by slaves he's kidnapped. That's true. And it's like, well, in a normal scenario, Batman would be a perfect counter to this man, but as Batman doesn't exist in this universe,

I suppose we can all enjoy this marvelous chocolate. Also, the inequality of the world outside of the chocolate factory is terrible. It's very Victorian. Yeah, big time. It's never... Do you think it's because Wonka's factory is only magical in the context of external caloric scarcity?

Because then everyone outside the factory is like, a single suite? All the reviews say that about the movie. Only enchanting given the context of caloric scarcity. Three stars, the times. I'm just quoting the critics so you're saying Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was written at a time

where chocolate and sweets were scarce a huge deal and a luxury good whereas now we're all constantly gorging ourselves so the arrival of a new factory that makes another endless treat however magical. You'd be like, what?

I'd barely look up from my trough to note the arrival of another seller of fucking treats. I'll try one of them. A chocolate advent calendar to me now is like another job. I'm like, oh fuck!

I still haven't done the sixth! I have to eat five chocolates a day just to catch up. Fuck! This used to be like, you used to get one chocolate a year. And you're lying in bed going, fuck, I brushed my teeth and now I...

It's almost midnight, I've got it still the 13th I I have to. Yeah. Yeah. My mom sends all of us the Lindt chocolate calendar every year. Very nice. It's still an obligation. Yep.

It's a nice obligation, but still an obligation. And I'll be like 10 days behind. And I go, Jesus, man, I'm going to feel sick today. Yeah. Because I feel if I don't get on the 24th on the 24th, you can't eat the big reindeer on the 28th. Oh, yeah, yeah. You feel like you've betrayed someone. You feel like your chocolate eating is overdue.

Don't you have an insane alcohol advent calendar this year? I thought it would be funny to buy a wine advent calendar. Are you going to buy yourself? I will say, not with normal sized bottles. But there was a big discount offer from a particular purveyor of booze. Which means it's good. And I thought, yeah, okay. Right. I'll buy that.

And so it's a little bottle of wine every day behind a little... Yeah, but they haven't tried very much with it because it's just an enormous box of booze they couldn't sell. Yeah. And it is like, you know, North Korean Riesling. It's... Very few of the wines are from countries that have been

recognized by more than a few members of the UN. Or like, it's all sanctions busting wine, I think. The Spartacan paradise of work. What's all written in alphabets I don't recognize, the wine. You don't have wine that's from a democratic

republic of some way. All the wine has pictures of leaders on it. Let's put it that way. Let's just say that someone on every bottle of wine is pointing towards the horizon. More grapes over there. And are you drinking the little bottle every day? No, I just immediately, the second it arrived, I thought, what have I done? What have I done to myself? I thought, if I have one of these every day, I thought, what have I done? What have I done to myself?

I thought, if I have one of these every day, I'll die. Have you had one that's quite from a strange place? Yeah, genuinely. I mean, I was exaggerating, really, but it's just from places that you forget make wine at all, like Moldova. And they do. Yeah.

But you wouldn't... It's not your first thought you know most people's first wine is Indian wine because most people are in India oh yeah is that a fact and India makes wine

and it's not good because it's so sunny that it's so hot the vines go through I mean you all know this but the vines go through two harvests because it's so sunny, it's so hot, the vines go through, I mean you all know this, but the vines go through two harvests because it's so hot. A year? Two harvests a year, two yields a year. Fuck. And it's like...

Turkey's tits over there. It stresses the vines which give the wine a burnt rubber taste. So if you drink wine and you go, that's burnt rubber, it's because the vines were stressed. Wow. The vines need a therapy. Thank you. The vines were there going, oh jeez, you've got to do two harvests in a year now. The boss wants two.

I'm so stressed. Burnt rubber. Burnt rubber. Fucking hell. Yeah, well I'm pretty sure there's going to be some burnt rubber coming my way from this box of unsellable booze. I'm very intrigued. Yeah, I'll pretty sure there's going to be some burnt rubber coming my way from this box of unsellable booze. I'm very intrigued. Yeah, I'll text you if anything really disgusting happens to me. And the wine, you know.

Speaking of disgusting. Oh, yeah. It's almost good instincts. Pretty much exactly time for us to have some correspondence. Yeah! Can we play the correspondence jingle, please? Keep the coolest emails,

phone calls, your sister, to who we are. Correspondence. Hooray! Hooray! I mean, it does feel extra mad playing that out of theatre

speakers. It feels mad playing it out of theatre speakers, I mean, it does feel extra mad playing that out of theatre speakers. It feels mad playing it out of theatre speakers, I think, because it becomes more and more clear how much of it is us saying random things like letters, hello, emails, words. It wasn't just me going, hi.

That's the one I always hear when I put it together. It's just you going, hi. And the idea that that would count as correspondence of some kind. It's very funny. Just someone going, hi. It's definitely Chesty Nuts' greeting. As disturbing as Chesty Nuts?

Yeah, I think it's the way that he would say, he would part loom behind Batman. Hi. Yeah. So this is from Joe. Joe Slow Gin. Very nice. Gin is slow. Thank you.

This is a good subject line for the email. Wedding smells are minging. That's good. That's really good. Pap and poop. Which one too? Do you want to be pap or poop? I feel like I'm pap. Pap and poop. Which one, too? Do you want to be pap or poop? I feel like I'm pap and you're poop.

Yeah. I don't know why. You agree, though. I think I do agree. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm pap and you're poop. Sure thing, pap. Thanks, poop.

Long time pissiner, first time shiter. That's good stuff. I'm always amazed that people find new ones I'm like at this point 246 surely they've all been done but no they're out there in the mines finding the newest Poupon

it's like when the car the fuel is on the E, but you just manage to make it. It's just infinite. Maybe I've broken the car, and now it runs forever. Founding father, now patron, I've never felt the need to write

until I discovered some brown yarn earlier this year. What? I guess like yarns? Like brown yarn. As in like, all right, all right, all right. What does it mean when you tell a story, the yarn? Spinny yarn. Spinny yarn, right, okay.

Brown yarn. It was the summer, and wedding season was in full swing. One such event took place in a marquee in the middle of a field miles from the nearest source of running water, with all the guests staying on site in tents. Ugh. Mm. What a horrible wedding.

It sounds like fire festival Yeah, well Hold on to your candy cane No one's taken this from me It was a unique and delightful affair That made the most of the setting Hay bales aplenty, country music the lot But what of the facilities, I hear you say

Well, the organisers had gone to the trouble Of installing three portaloos To provide for their guests' needs. That's not enough. Well, however, when the sun set on the pleasant evening, an issue became apparent. There were no power sockets of any kind in the portaloos, so they were pitch black inside.

Yeah, people, when you put stuff up in the daytime, you never think about the nighttime. Yeah. You can't imagine a time without light. Yeah. Even though you've seen the night so many times. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Especially when I'm outside, I'm like, ah. The night comes, I'm like, I'm scared. I'm like, I forgot about night. Yeah. I forgot about half the time. Yeah. The band was in full swing and everyone was dancing.

One of our friends came back from a trip to the Loos and joined us in our little dance circle. She looked a little sheepish. Something was clearly not right, and she appeared to be attempting to dance away her concerns and pretend all was well. All was not well. We started to notice a smell.

Looks were exchanged back and forth with only one suspect on our mind. She leant into my girlfriend and asked if she would help her check something in the toilets. On the walk to the loo, she explained to my girlfriend someone she had only met for the first time that day.

Wow, amazing that a girlfriend said yes to that. If someone leant over and said, can you check something with me in the loo? I'd say, sorry, I can't really. I'm dancing. Happy wedding. But the girls have that toilet bond.

Ah, the toilet bond. The lady toilet bond, yeah. People are wooing it. She explained to my girlfriend, someone she'd only met that day, that she'd felt something wet when sitting on the toilet, but assumed it was from one of the male guests peeing a bit too freely. Oh, so that's what she hopes.

She hopes it's piss. This is how bad this is going to be. She hopes she sat in a stranger's puddle of piss. That's best case scenario. Some of them whispering in a stranger's puddle of piss. Yeah. That's best case scenario. Some of them whispering in a stranger's ear, I hoped it was stranger's piss on my...

on my arse. I need your help. They entered the loo adjacent to the one she'd previously been in. She lifted her dress, and by the light of the torch of my girlfriend's phone, showed what she feared but in her heart already

knew to be true. It was a whole turd that she had sat in. No! No! And then on the seat of the toilet. Peace! Peace! My kingdom for peace!

And there was now a brown Rorschach test all up the back of her legs. Due to the distance from any sort of running water this is fucking Bear Grylls shit now. My girlfriend racked her brains and remembered that they were parents of

newborns at the wedding. She hurried out the stall and asked if she could use some of them. Give me a baby, quick! I can't explain. Babies eat shit, right? Give me a baby! Wait a minute. There's women with newborns out there.

They won't care how they look, so they could tear up their dresses and we could use the rags. She hurried down the stall and asked if she could use some of their wet wipes. Then, armed with wipes and a torch, she spent the next 20 minutes wiping a third party's pap off the legs of an almost stranger. This is Christmas. This is the almost stranger. This is Christmas. This is the Christmas spirit. This is giving. This is peace on earth and goodwill to men. I've only just met you, but I will

get wipes and wipe another different person's shit off your fucking legs. With a torch presumably in my mouth like I'm trying to break into a safe in a thriller. Fucking hell. A man would never do this for another man.

Ever. I think a man would try and sort of pour a beer on you. And sort of say, well, hopefully the bubbles of the beer have some sort of effect, I suppose. Yeah, they lift it off. I don't know, man. That's all you're getting. Just as she was finishing this repulsive cleanup operation,

they heard a man's yelp coming out of the portulia next door. Yelp! Is that a yelp? Yelp! Or just probably like, ah! Yeah, there's definitely a special yelp that's... Something's touched me in the dark, and I don't know what it is. No! Yep!

Someone else had suffered the same fate and sat in the misplaced mud pie. When my friend and girlfriend left the loo, the unidentified man had already scarpered and was nowhere to be seen. This is running into the woods like Bigfoot. I'll make a new life there now. A sign was put up to ensure no one else triggered the same booby trap. Booty trap, very good. Nice.

But I've always wondered what the identified man did to get remotely clean. Did they wipe their bum along the grass like a dog with worms? Or did they simply accept defeat and return to their tent, saving the job until the morning? I fear we will never know. Oh, fuck. They got to sleep in tents after that as well. Yeah.

Indignity heaped upon indignity. I can't do it, man. I'm no more. I mean, it sounds a lot like a music festival. What's your strategy? You've sat on a turd. Okay, I'm trying to put myself in that place. I've sat on a turd.

Let's give you the credit of noticing it before you go back to any kind of dance floor. So you're in the port-a-loo. Okay, well, I cannot put my pants back on. I would agree, and yet... And there's no loo roll. Well, there must be a little loo roll. I wouldn't go in without any. A little loo roll, And there's no loo roll. Well, there must be a little loo roll. I wouldn't go in without any.

A little loo roll, yeah. A little loo roll. But you may just be moving the problem from town to town. Yeah, but you have to... You don't flatten it. You don't push it into the skin. You knew what podcast you were coming to. Don't...

Someday I hope that Budpod Live becomes like this kind of experimental you were coming to. Don't! Someday I hope that Budpod Live becomes like those kind of experimental performance art punk gigs and people faint and throw up and get this underground reputation. You just have to kind of get it onto the... I try and get it onto the sheet. Like dip?

Yeah, and then... And then throw that away. Yeah? Okay. Okay, so now I've got like a smear, I guess, and then I'm honestly going to wipe it against the wall. The wall? I'm going to rub up I'm going to

like it's a tree trunk. You wouldn't sacrifice your boxer shorts? No, because I guess I probably could, eh? Because I'm not going to wash them before I go. You could sacrifice the boxer shorts and try and sort of douse them in the blue. As in the sea? No, I'm not talking about the brine again.

No, the blue that comes when you pull the go away poo handle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just call it the blue? The blue. I don't know what it is. I've always thought of it as the blue. I'll pull this handle, and the blue will make the problem go away. I imagine you're saying it like the claw,

like in Toy Story, when you flush it, you just look and you go, the blue. You could sort of do the... Your pupils dilate, and you're like, the blue. You could do that and sort of use that as a kind of disinfectant mop. I assume the blue has some medicinal properties.

Yeah, it must be good for you. It must be. Oh, God. We've got some tat from Sweet Pete. Oh, Sweet Peter. We've had Sweet Peter before. Tat. Dear Phil, Adelphia, and Pierre, and

Sylvania. Not wild about that, but it's hard to keep coming up with these. Fair enough. Came across some tat at St. Albans Market, and of course thought of you. Probably not doable for Phil to Tat Whisper, but nevertheless. Curious

to know which one makes your skin crawl the most. So this is market tat. It's lots of little signs like you can see. Oh, yeah. And they are all... It's obscene rage tat. I'm sure we all remember taco bitch, the mug, or whatever that was. Okay.

So the following signs say, get naked, abso-fucking-lutely, naughty corner, make shit happen. And then one just says, the arseholes. Wait, what? It just says, like, that's the name of the family who live in the house?

Yeah, the arseholes. Oh, the arseholes, yeah. The arseholes at number five or whatever. Yeah, so you're going, yeah, our family sucks. All the neighbors talk about our family in a bad way. We're the arseholes. And bad way. We're the assholes. And then one says, put the kettle on. There's another one.

Fresh out of fucks. If I saw that on a house and it was one I knew I was supposed to go to, like someone where I hadn't visited them at home before, I'd just turn around. One says, good vibes only. You can't sell those signs to the same person. Yeah, you can't. Bottoms up, bitches.

Man cave. These are ghastly. These are bad. Which one do you hate the most? I think I hate, the first one, there's something that's a little like inspirational, but like it's got a- abso-fucking-lutely yeah

I hate that kind of thing I think it's very cockwomble you know yes yeah yeah cockwombling beaver nonces

or whatever the kind of slightly whimsical swearing yeah whimsical swearing it had a real vogue on Twitter for a bit for a bit and I think

2011 to 2016 was the cockwomble cockwomble wankpuffin all this womble, wank puffing, all this sort of thing. The first time you saw it, you went, yeah. And then you saw it again about five years later, you're like, no more, no more now.

No more. Grow up now. It's been a long time. There's nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned fuck or shit. What's your favourite swear? My favourite swear word? I put my hand up. Shit. I love shit. Yeah. What's your favorite swear? My favorite swear word? Yeah. I put my hand up. Shit.

I love shit. Shit's great. Shit's very, you can put it in all sorts of different places. It's good sort of rhythmically. It fills in little gaps in your rhythm. And it's not as bad as fuck, so you've got a little more leeway with it, you know?

There's someone worse than you out there. Yeah, exactly. When you say shit. Yeah. I think piss. Oh, I hate piss. Really? I hate the sound of piss. This is very funny to me. I hate the sound of piss. It's horrible. than you out there. Yeah, exactly. When you say shit. Yeah. I think piss. Oh, I hate piss. Really? I hate the sound of piss. Piss is very funny to me.

I hate the sound of piss. It's horrible. Too sibilant. Yeah, piss. Yeah, I think it's the worst of all the swears, piss. Don't watch me. Piss or arse? Piss is the worst.

It's so horrible. What about arse? I think it's so onomatopoeic. Piss. Piss. Yeah, you're right. Shit isn't. You shouldn't do a shit that sounds like the word shit.

Shit. Yeah, that doesn't sound good, does it? Doesn't sound healthy. Well, speaking of shit, Phil, Gabrielle gets in touch. Gabrielle, what's that smell? Well, I of shit, Phil, Gabrielle gets in touch. Gabrielle, what's that smell? Well, I'll tell you. Do you pee and foop?

Or poop with an H? Oh, nice. Oh, and pee. G'day. Oh, Australian. I'm an Australian pod bird, long-time listener, first-time poo caller.

I thought you might enjoy this tale of two shits from my childhood. I'm now in my 30s but still dealing with the trauma. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, go on. Around the age of 10, a friend and I would attend a local swimming pool on Saturday mornings with our dads. This particular Sunday saw us enjoying ice creams and diving into the deep end of the adult pool for the first time. A big day. Big day. Scary day.

But the fun did not last long. Upon diving in, my friend resurfaced with a look of sheer terror on her face. She had dived into what could only be described as the most shitful situation and was surrounded by nuggets of a fellow swimmer's excrement. No! You don't want to resurface

into the poo nuggets. I mean, that's the closest thing you get to a simulation of being a poo. Isn't it? In a toilet. Yeah, coming out of the pool and seeing other bits of poo and going, and then looking at your reflection and you're a poo. No!

No! Screaming and a near drowning ensued. Our dads managed to hoist her out the deep end, promptly alerting the lifeguard, who was forced to evacuate the entire pool and scoop the poop with a mesh net. I distinctly recall my dad chuckling to himself, saying that someone must have dropped the kids off at the pool and left them there. Nice. Which is quite good.

Also, the guard has just got a net. Yeah. I mean, imagine watching someone net out bits of shit from a pool and going, okay, back in we go. That's done it. Ah, clean again. The following Saturday rolled around,

and somewhat scarred from the prior weekend, I reluctantly re-entered the pool with my friend. Little did we know that my dad had purchased a Chukito bar from the supermarket earlier that week, which I assume is a Snickers-like. Oh, okay. Unbeknownst to us, he had broken the bar into a few chunks and secretly deposited it into the water.

That's funny. Upon seeing my first chunk, I began screaming, Pooh! Pooh! Pooh! Only then to see my dad paddle over and... Only then to see my dad paddle over and capture a couple of the chunks with his bare hands. He began eating them. He began eating them with a look of glee on his face. Saying how delicious they were.

Would you like to try one, he asked. Dan's Chiquita reveal only happened after my friend and I started sobbing hysterically. So watching your dad lose his mind eating chunks of shit from a pool

going yum and pushing them at you your entire concept of reality and sanity just falling apart in front of your very eyes this man who's up to this point been like a focal point of authority and truth it's just like eating shit in front of you gleefully in a pool.

Really recommending it as well. Jens, his reveal only happened after he started sobbing hysterically and presumably after he had succumbed to a unique level of feces-eating guilt. Thank you for all your episodes this year and a Merry Crapmas to you both. As a token of appreciation, I attach a photo

of some toilet tat from just above a woman's lav in Denpasar Airport. I hope no one has taken that too literally. Where's Denpasar? I don't know. Anyone know where Denpasar is? Bali! Very good. Keep calm and relax in toilet. That's what it says.

It does say keep calm and relax in toilet. Keep calm and relax in toilet. That's what it says. It does say keep calm and relax in toilet. Keep calm and relax in toilet. Thank you very much, Gabrielle. Keep calm, she says, and we will. And that is all the time we have for this episode of Bud Pod. What a way to end it with a shit-eating prank.

An incredible prank to do to the face of your children. And the dad literally had a shit-eating grin on him. He literally had a shit-eating grin. him. He literally had a shit-eating grin. He lived the phrase. He lived the phrase. Gosh. Yes, that's the main app, but...

Here at Budpod Live, this is going to be an interval now, and then we're all going to come back for the bonus part. For the bonus part, yes! The exclusive Santa's grotto. Have we done that? Oh, I don't think we have done that.

That. Yeah, that sounds good. The exclusive Santa's grotto. Have we done that? Oh, I don't think we have done that. Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, super. Yes, we'll go for a break, get a drink, and go to the toilet, whatever. Keep calm and relax in the toilet. Keep calm and relax in the toilet. See you in about 15, 20 minutes. All right, see you in a bit, guys.

Cheers, guys. Thanks, guys.