BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 247 - Hey man, got any saffron?

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

The boys are back for 2024 - we talk saffron dealers, skiing and enjoying easy mode, personal trainers, Christmas films, game tutorials, and we discuss poo clouds after hearing from A from Sydney's dog poo accident prank Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. It's Bud Pod, two for seven. Two for seven. New year. 247 New Year Better

Better than New Year better than This year This new year will be better than The last year Do you think it will? Better than Well I think

I decided to rhyme better than with seven Better than New Year better than 247 New Year better than New Year will? Better than. Well, I think to rhyme better than with seven, better than. New year better than. 247, new year better than. New year better than. Better than. Do I think this year will be better than last year?

Well, I suppose it depends on how the hundred or something elections are going to go. Yeah. Is the most number of elections ever or something like this in one year? Yes, that's true, isn't it yeah in 2024 and most predominantly the american election and likely the uk election yeah but also what germany netherlands france uh france is it france maybe you made it up uh some big asian countries countries um yeah so maybe you'll be better but probably not and i was thinking early today actually what is my sort of conclusion about watching world events over the last few years and that is that things get worse very easily and better very with great difficulty yes yes destruction is always easier than creation

yes um things get worse much faster than they get better and why is that and my conclusion is that what we as civilized humans consider to be worse and bad is chaos the breakdown of order the breakdown society and the universe tends towards chaos it is hard to set the universe in order and it will return to chaos whether in a particle sense or in a societal sense

it can return to chaos in an instant but order takes time happy new year happy new year everybody chaos is instant progress takes forever the world will return to chaos happy new year it's really funny be a really good card to send out to people it says happy year on the front you open it and then pre-printed inside as the world will return to chaos

but in like really frightening sort of warhammer font and like a bit of is that blood there's a bit of blood i saw this blood on here yeah and like not an intentional sense so you know the writer had blood flying about but didn't want it to get get on the letter but it has yeah it's blood that's been thumbed away they've gone and they've tried to like smoosh the blood away but it's there yeah yeah yeah blood when blood went by the way when blood is smudged it's so much browner than you expect yeah we've been told by movies that blood is red blood's brown baby blood is brown it's amazing when you watch old like um action movies or horror movies or horror movies and stuff,

and blood just stays like fucking raspberry ripple red while it's drying or being splattered around. Also, it never dries. It's just always like this gloopy kind of sauce. They make it from syrup. They make it from syrup. That's why. What was I watching the other day where i

saw that there was like a blood stain on the wall and it was like insane it was like a fucking barbie's blood you know it was so a film bright what was it yeah but i think you're right about the chaos thing because in the sense that like i mean think how much work it is to write a book and then how easy it is to burn a book, you know. Destruction is just easy because it's like that thing isn't there anymore. That's it. That's a goal achieved. Even like making a shed out of bricks and then just driving a van through it, you know. Yes, exactly.

Is there anything that can be made in an instant instant noodles instant noodles they're the anti-chaos but arguably most of the work's been done for you before your involvement in the case of instant noodles yeah that's true um what can be everything can be destroyed in an instant what can be made in an instant mistakes um ah of course a faux pas faux pas can be made in yeah a little fart speaking of faux pas how was your new year's eve party i went to a a friend's new year's eve party a friend of my partner's but now a friend of mine um that's the way it works um yeah you'll have to combine your social networks into this crazy octopus um it's true it's true it is odd i i had a similar experience for my new years oh yeah i

had it at mine with my girlfriend. And she invited some friends. I invited some friends. There was maybe... At the peak of the party, 14 people. Yeah. At the start of the party,

10 people. It was actually a lot more party vibes than I expected. I made a big dinner and I had a lot of wine that had just come in. A lot of Rhone Red that had come in.

And I made a big pot, two pots of dinner for everyone. I made, well, I've been wanting for ages, what do I make that's for a bunch of people I can make in a pot that people, that can feed up to 10 people

and I was watching over Christmas, I was watching Fantastic Christmas movie, The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. Oh yeah, of course, yeah. And near the beginning ofmas movie the santa claus with tim allen oh yeah of course yeah and near the beginning of the movie he's driving around with his son because he burns the turkey and he's burnt christmas lunch christmas dinner so he drives around with his son to find somewhere that's open and he wants to go get osso bucco and says you like osso bucco yeah and it goes to an osso bucco restaurant and they're closed and then i thought osso bucco i'll make osso bucco and osso bucco

is an italian um stew of traditionally veal shanks cross-section cut cross veal shanks made into a stew and um served it turns out i looked it up on a bed of risotto milanese which is also made with saffron and so i thought that's what i'll make so because of the santa claus i made uh i made osso bucco on risotto milanese for everybody you're so influenced by tim allen i am yeah all yeah i only ever cook what tim allen has inspired me to cook it so it's mostly barbecues. Yeah. Yeah. And you're always going... Well, how did it turn out?

Really good. Delish. The hardest part was getting the saffron for the risotto. The most expensive thing, isn't it? The most expensive commodity on earth by weight apparently yeah so if if a genie ever asks you you what you can have a ton of anything in the world what would you want don't ask for gold you want saffron okay be a saffron merchant saffron yeah yeah and i couldn't find it in the supermarket and then i went to you know nice manisa nisa local yeah which is one of london's sort of micro chains i don't know i don't know what you call a chain that

only exists in one city there's one near me and nisa n-i-s-a local awful colors awful colors incredible range of products there's always an amazing amount of stuff in there given that it looks like a you can't enter this building it's made out of pixels building from gta yeah exactly but one and then once you go in it's it's imagine if you played jenga with groceries in a four that covered a room with grocery jenga yeah they've piled so much incredible so so much stuff in. And the varieties are pretty crazy. But even there, I was like, I couldn't find any saffron. And there are many, many herb shelves. And on the way out, sort of as a last effort, I said to the guy,

you don't have any saffron, do you? And he said, yes, behind the counter. Wow. And I was like, huh? And he said, you have to go to the counter. I was like, right. So I went go to the counter right so I went over to the counter it's whiskey and said yeah I said yeah give me saffron anyway yes and he turned his left and he reached over and he grabbed me this disc

of saffron oh and it was five pounds for naught point six grams fucking hell and was in from Iran had been imported from iran and had like persian written on it and really shoddily packaged um i mean the the disc thing is in is in this sort of like petri dish that was capped and the painting of the the name on the front was so badly done and i was like is this okay to eat but I and I have to use it very sparingly it looks like drug packaging it really was it felt very illegal

it sounds like you bought saffron from one of those shops in Camden that sells t-shirts where Bugs Bunny has like a Rasta hat on yeah exactly and also one of those places have you ever been in I swear I've been in

corner shops where they've sold cigarettes by the cigarette ah yeah long time ago yes yes that used to happen they banned it

yeah they banned it well I've seen them I've seen some I've seen a place do it post ban whoa I thought it was illegal yeah

because kids would buy one it definitely is illegal yeah anyway definitely is illegal um and I I got it home and I steeped it was illegal yeah because kids would definitely is it yeah anyway definitely is illegal um and i i got home and i steeped you steep it in water for a bit and i thought it's meant to turn the

risotto yellow and it's like i've put like five strands in this uh then i left it sort of steeped in water for half an hour then i when time came i poured it over the risotto and it just came out golden and it turned the whole thing is beautiful yellow no it was amazing what it worked so well it worked perfectly is it just expensive because it's old food coloring it's the only way that they could turn things yellow easily ah i think it's very very hard to grow and i think it grows in very small amounts and in very few places what can you taste it does it have a taste could you be like oh now that's it's got a it's got a fragrance and a bitterness so if you oh it's very easy to overuse and if you overuse saffron you end up with very bitter food so you always err on the side of less

oh man yeah but i was an adventure in food yeah you had a very um um uh uh god what's his name italian american walking around italy what's his face oh wow oh the bald guy oh wow that's stanley too we can never yeah we can he's got one of those names that's impossible to remember for some reason even though it's a nice name it's impossible to remember even though it's a nice name, it's impossible to remember Stanley Tucci. Even though it's a nice name, it's not easy to remember. Apart from when you watch him eating risotto. Risotto. So you had a Stanley Tucci New Year's Eve. Yeah, and people seemed to enjoy the food.

And then people just standing around drinking wine and chatting. And then the countdown came on and we turned on the TV. And everyone did the countdown. And everyone went, yeah. And I brought out a cake with candles saying 2024 on them. And that was kind of it. And then it instantly became quite dancey. Yeah.

Like my girlfriend put on like a dance playlist. And people just startedogieing i was like i wasn't expecting it i i i was surprised people made it to midnight to be honest i i was really worried when you wouldn't be able to stay up till midnight that's why you put all those uh this wizarding herbs in your veal and your osso bucco to drug everyone the saffron will raise your spirits enrich your humours that's why you had to get it from behind the counter it's for making

heavy enough food that parties end earlier oh we should today wish everyone in Scotland a happy according to my account a happy 2nd my account a happy second of january yes bracket scotland yes happy second of january bracket scotland to all our scottish listeners um never really understood what that's about i think it's got those because new year's is bigger deal in scotland they just get an extra day of public holiday i think that's interesting i read an

article about how traditionally new years was the big one or became the big one through like hogmanay and all that because um they were so sort of you know presbyterian and sort of strict and that christmas was like very downgraded christmas wasn't a public holiday in scotland till the 50s you're kidding yeah they were they so people had to go to work on christmas very possibly i mean they went scrooge and they stayed screwed like bob cratchit everyone had to work on christmas well it wasn't a public holiday so i'm sure you could get the day off but it wasn't automatically like you cannot work you know so yeah they went scrooge and they stayed scrooge how crazy is that i mean I mean, England, that was the same. I mean, you know, Cromwell banned it and so on.

Cromwell banned Christmas. Yeah, as a big party. He said it was idolatrous because he said Easter's the big one, you know, when Jesus actually did the thing. I forgot about did the thing. I saw it on like a roundup of the year and I went, oh, for fuck's sake, because now that's in my head.

It's just me and my... That's not how I wanted to start. That's not how I wanted to start my new year, for fuck's sake. Yeah, I've quite successfully avoided the end of year lists, the roundups of 2023. Yeah. I've been successfully avoided the end of year lists the roundups of 2023 yeah

I've been less interested this year it's like I know I know what happened I was there I agree there's a part of you that goes who gives a shit about this although I have begun my new years in classic new year's fashion today the second of

january got in started with a new personal trainer new pt there's a new pt when there's a place under the train station and the archers by my overground station is your train is your personal trainer a goblin yes i have to i have to answer answer riddles three every time i want to enter the gym it's very inconvenient you keep telling him that the way you should say it is three riddles and he just doesn't seem to listen does he i like the way i say it well he is czech so i guess you know otherwise his english is very good yeah he is czech his his name is philip but with an f oh so i'm yeah just just to prove those check he spells his philip with an f philip um he's a very sweet man do you ever meet a pt and think oh you might be too i'm worried you're too nice that you're not

gonna make me do this yeah yeah yeah yeah where you go oh i thought you were supposed to be a bully though yeah he has what what's the word when a policeman gets shot they have to go through physical to heal oh yes yes yes rehab

yeah he has more physical rehab vibes than than pt vibes more like you can do it it's you know you just yeah a single push-up is amazing well done yeah exactly maybe that's what you need a drill sergeant yeah maybe that's what you need though i feel after i i i ate like an asshole for all of autumn i ate like a fucking forest creature and then christmas what berries and it's quite healthy isn't it berries and nuts and no not nuts though i mean like like trying to get as fat as i can so i can then oh yeah i ate like that and then christmas came and i just doubled down so i i certainly feel like i need to go through some sort of rehab physical rehab i ate so much man i and today we did like a trial session today at the gym just to like see what my limits were and i think my limits seem much

lower than they used to uh and i just started to feel sick after a bit i was like i just couldn't do i was so tired i was just like oh god and you know whenever you're with a new personal trainer you're always gonna go i'm not normally like this i promise but also i didn't want to do too well that he makes me work too hard yeah yeah he's like well this is your minimum now yeah exactly you've got a new minimum wowee i was like pushing myself today and thought wait why am I pushing myself all I'm doing is setting the minimum he'll let me do

yeah I agree with that who am I trying to impress yeah well you're just it's that funny thing with hiring a PT which is that you're just constantly fucking yourself up and costing yourself progress and money I think especially if you're a guy and you've got some

you know there's always a bit of toxicity that makes you think if i do these trial push-ups well enough i might get up and he'll go why you don't need me at all you're free to go well you're free to go yeah he takes the handcuffs off you why i've never seen push-ups done so well you've done push-ups now you'll you'll never have to do them again like gcses you've done them you can you can fall back on them whenever you want yeah but i need to get uh fitter pierre and i need to get fitter in two weeks because next weekend i'm going skiing for the first time Can you believe it?

I know I know I'm finally going To put all My experience playing Ski free on Windows 95 To use Avoiding the yetis

On the Swiss Alps. Wow. That's going to be great. Is it the Alps you're going to? Yes. There's a place called Les Gets. Les Gaises. I don't know when to

drop an S in French and when not to. Yeah. Every now and then it's Trixie. I'm looking at it now. Oh, it's very pretty. Oh, it's very snowy. So Les Gets is a commune in France? I thought I was going to Switzerland. Swiss border, maybe.

But yeah, I've never been skiing at all before so we're going to have to do lessons and all that there. I just hope I don't get... So many kids in my private school would come back with casts from skiing. And it kind of put me off, to be honest. It can be dangerous. I mean, you'll probably ski with more wisdom

than, you know, some... I want to tell you, the thing about me is, and this is a boon, aside from the occasional overexertion in front of a new pt i in the physical realm i am i don't know if it's possible to be zero competitive but i am zero competitive i'm not competitive at all and i'm very happy to be on the green slopes all fucking week and to hardly move and just spend all day trying to stand properly and not trying anything dangerous i'm fine my favorite part of any video game is the tutorial

i played i used to play tutorials again and again and again i just enjoy yeah i enjoy easy i enjoy easy i don't like things getting less than easy so i'm very happy i'm not embarrassed i don't like things getting less than easy. So I'm very happy. I'm not embarrassed. I don't care if I'm practicing with children all week on green slopes. I don't care. Very happy. So I think that will count in my favor in terms of avoiding injury. Yeah, I think so. And I would say stretch and do some work on your thighs.

Yes, yes. have you skied once once many years ago your legs are you you're tensing your legs all the time or at least you are if you're me and you're sort of crouching all slightly all the time yeah you're captain crouch Captain Crouch. Woof. So you better get used to having a sore butum. Whoa. Yeah. And I hope you like melted cheese, fondue.

I'm struggling here to remember. Fondue. Apres-ski is what they talk about. Yeah. It's a little boozy, drinky poos and chocolatey poos and cheesy poos horrible horrible phrase cheesy poos um yeah i also like being in a snowy place i want to be in a cute little snowy place i love um in some video game tutorials where the game is and it's like a world war ii shooter you know and you play through the tutorial and it's like basic training world war ii like here's your rifle this is how you do this is how you do that and they've got like a sort of

voiceover instructor telling you but they've they're because it's a game they've got the instructors still saying game stuff oh like press the e key to look yeah yeah and it completely like ruins the okay private pick up your rifle. Right-click. And you go, right-click? What the fuck is going on? How do you know I'm in a computer? You're trapped inside the computer.

You can't know this. It breaks the universe wide open. I mean, drone operators nowadays, that is the training. That's true, yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen one of these before, Private? And it's like an Xbox controller. And it's like, yeah, good.

Then you'll know how to use it. Press the shoulder button to obliterate this village. Attach the rumble pack if you enjoy a little vibration and the haptic feedback of war crimes yeah oh man that's gonna be cool good chris yeah i'll be cool i'm a bit scared i i'm very scared of doing things that people are meant to do you know I'm gonna do them wrong like skiing feels like something everyone's meant to do at some point it's such there's so much iconography about it

and it just seems to be a marker of a comfortable western life and I feel like if I don't get it right then I'm not getting comfortable western life right that's interesting it is very you should enjoy this this is

officially a good thing yes it along with live music and festivals and parties yes like you're meant to enjoy these things these are the things culture and literature goes to in order to paint a picture of enjoyment yes yes yes every every

normal person finds this fun instinctively so you'd better or there's something really fucking off about your brain i kind of feel like it's like the beach you know i feel like a failed human because i don't enjoy the beach and you're meant to just enjoy the beach it's never you know it's never clear what you're meant to do there but you're meant to be happy just being at the beach and you're meant to just enjoy the beach it's never you know it's never clear what you're meant to do there but you're meant to be happy just being at the beach yeah cavorting having got to the beach or or it being likely you might go to the beach it should make you happy and it never has for me uh but what does make me happy is christmas time i love christmas season i love it i love that it's dark i love all the little lights everywhere i got myself a tree i trimmed my tree oh sexy um sorry this isn't

getting too personal i trimmed my tree this year i bought it also from the nisa the local shop is like it stood on the on the road so i've got like i've got a street tree and they're harder to train of course but they yeah but you know at least it's here and not not out in the streets you know where I can keep an eye on it if you're it's not out there selling saffron on the street exactly yeah next to the saffron dealer you visit in that dodgy shop but I trimmed it I into the into a classical cone shape oh did you and it looks so much better yeah just trimmed off because you know you get a christmas tree and you're like is that right and you look like you look at pop culture and then you look at your tree and you're like huh and you compare the two and your tree's all like and like it sticks out a bit too wide in these bits and it's too narrow in these bits

you're like this isn't what the cartoons promise well just get a pair of little shits and just clip it into that shape cut off the branches and clip it into a cone shape it looks so much better body shamed your own tree to fit modern beauty standards yes yes my my tree has gone undergone cosmetic surgery which is okay now yes it is okay now isn't it yeah yeah it. It briefly wasn't okay and now it is okay again. So my body shamed trees are fantastic. I had Christmas with the family. We watched a good few Christmas

movies, including Pierre, the greatest Christmas movie, the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Jingle all the way. Yes, we put on Jingle all the way. Jamie! Jamie! You're my best customer you're my favorite customer it's so fucking good it's even better than i remember it and i didn't want i didn't put together that the creepy and very funny neighbor in it is phil hartman no from the simpsons who is t McClure well who was he died in 1998 I didn't I couldn't realize it so long it's crazy isn't it he was Troy McClure his Kent

Brockman and I think he was the greasy one Lionel Hutz Lionel Hutz yeah yeah and he's so good in it and all these years I watched that movie thinking this guy's so funny I only this year I realized that's Phil Hartman oh man I didn't put it oh he yeah it's crazy he got he got murdered in 1998 he was murdered by his wife yeah his wife shot him horrible oh my god yeah and but like you think like oh well the other character's been in the simpsons forever no it's just like the first seven series yeah i mean whoever's i'm not sure who's taken over whoever took over does a

very good Phil Hartman impression I guess because I've never noticed any of those characters stop sounding like them some of them stopped appearing though after 1998 Brockman didn't but I think maybe his characters never popped up again I think that's what's crazy about it

gosh wow yeah well regardless i think jingle all the way is the greatest christmas movie of all time and i looked it up on rotten tomatoes and it's 20 but i think it's fantastic i think it's genuinely funny i think it's um my mother called it what did you call it? Dystopian. Oh. And it is dystopian. It's about people losing their civility in pursuit of the hot toy that season.

Yeah. The Durban Man. And people just go crazy. I think it's really funny. I think there's some really funny jokes in there. When he's in a sort of illegal Santa warehouse and they get raided by the cops, one of the elves goes,

it's the Grinch! And they all scatter. And just this very small, quick joke that they all call the police the Grinch. That's funny. I think it's so funny. But no one agrees. I need to re-watch it.

Everyone thinks it's a shit movie. I need to re-watch it, maybe. I think it's hilarious. I think it's really good. it's a shit movie i need to rewatch it maybe i think it's hilarious i think it's really good okay i'm gonna need to rewatch this i need to rewatch this it deserves a reappraisal you should do a guardian long read it's time to talk about turbo man we all need a new turbo man yeah yeah yeah people are asking about turbo man and that's a good thing and here's why the photo of me with my arms crossed at 45 degrees yeah yeah yeah photo yeah why did why do so many journalists now pose like they're being announced as a new striker for some team it's the guardian Guardian especially loves the footballer

pose. It's so lame. I need to make them look serious and imposing until you realise these people are all fucking dweebs. They have to sit in there like, I've got to research my essay. Their job is essays. Like from school. And they're trying to make it look like they're

some sort of cross between a footballer and a wrestler. They wanted to do homework for a job. Isn't that pathetic? That's what journalists are. They love homework so much. They wanted to do it as a job. Yeah, they said, I love homework so much.

I wish I could do it forever. I want to do book reports for a job every day. It's funny. It's about people who review books, especially, because they're just like, God, if this could just be what life was. That's really funny, man. Yeah.

Okay, I need to get back on it. But we should do some correspondence. Yes. New Year's correspondence. Let's see what's in our heaving sack Letters Emails Phone calligraphies

Your sister will never forget Letters Correspondence Correspondence The first correspondence of the Poosmere. Of the Poosmere. Yes, correct.

And we have heard from... How do they sign off? They don't... Let's say A. They haven't really signed off. A. A very good place to start. Yes.

Greetings from Australia, where it's been the new year for even longer. It's true! It's been 2024 therefore we're years now. Um, I was, uh, recently signed up to Patreon and thought no better time than the present to regale you with this tale that's close to my heart,

dating back to the late 90s. Ooh, that was a while ago, eh? I was a carefree young lass in the fourth grade of my local primary school. I'd been sitting in class on an all-too-hot Sydney summer day when I realised I needed to answer nature's heavier call. I like that.

Yeah, you got a heavier light call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming back from the looo was it heavy or light um well what i think is it in well is it in chinese like it's big water or small water oh really yeah i think so because there's always diarrhea it's. Because there's always diarrhea. It's always diarrhea. It's always diarrhea. Which side of your body is the diarrhea coming out of? Which side of your front or back water?

It's obviously never solid. We know that. God, imagine. So I chose my bathroom buddy, as was customary at the time. So I chose my bathroom buddy, as was customary at the time, and she accompanied me to the lavatory block situated in the middle of the playground. Did your school ever have a separate toilet block? We did in primary school in Malaysia.

Yeah, disgusting place. It's a hot country thing, I think. I think the hot poo and wee smell needs to be a separate concrete block bunker. Very separate, yeah, away from everybody. After our restroom rendezvous my friend and i slowly headed over to the wash shed which as the name would suggest was a small wooden shed where you could cleanse your hands after such encounters okay so the the sinks were separate from the toilets yeah i think i remember something like this as well because like you'd have sinks big metal sinks with taps like outdoor sinks almost underneath a little

cover ah yes because then you could use the sinks for water as you were playing as well okay they were like outdoor sinks en general and you can drink from it there's It's always gross to drink from You can't drink from a tap in a room where there's also toilets Even though the water's fine It doesn't feel kosher You think the poo ghosts have flown up the tap spout I think the poo particles If you can smell poo there's poo in the air

There's literally poo particles in the air If you can smell poo You better stop believing in poo, boy. You're in some. That's what a fart is. And remember, if you can smell poo, it's in the air. Please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. That's true, but I suppose it doesn't matter as much because we'd all then it would be dead

you always end up starting to think well hang on am i becoming a medieval person who believes in miasma like that's what causes disease is bad smells right right i thought that's what the plague was yeah but if you're if you've got a glass of water within a poo smell, a poo cloud, this poo particle is going to settle on that water and diffuse into it, isn't it? Like homeopathic poo drinking. Well, no, it's not homeopathic. It's just sort of osmosis, isn't it? Or convection or whatever.

I suppose. But then, like, the whole world is covered in sort of the ghosts of poo-poo past. But most of the time you're walking around, if you can't smell it, then the concentration of poo-poo past is very, very low. If you can smell it, the concentration is very, very high. And, you know, osmosis is high. Well, it's not osmosis,

but high concentrations of particles will move towards areas of low concentration. And so the poo particles in the air will move into the water won't they or maybe maybe because that's between media it isn't the same yeah we need to figure this out yeah i want the scientist on this stat is there poo in the bathroom... Is there poo in it? Poop particles get inside. This is what the internet was made for.

Okay. People also ask are there poop particles in the bathroom what happens if a person drinks toilet water we're not getting that far how long do poop particles stay on services can poop particles get through clothes okay

what's the verdict yes toilet spray after you flush includes poop particles. A lot of it is about literally don't drink toilet water. Seems to be the conclusion of most of these articles. But that's not what we're asking. No, I'd like to say that we have that covered. Not to boast.

There's an article here I've got open called The Truth About Breathing Poop Particles in Bathrooms. Yeah, I'm not going to read this. I'm going to say that it's fine, but it still feels bad. It's fine, but it feels bad, I think is absolutely right. And this is what the thing is. You start Googling it, you start seeing these links pop up, and you think, am I opening the window and beckoning in the vampire of another mental illness or compulsion

yes yes am i sort of saying oh i need another thing to be irrationally stressed about here yeah after a couple of girlfriends i'm now very stressed about outside clothes being on the bed or in under the covers this is such a lady thing it is and, and I now have that illness bad. So outside jeans, you can't sit in jeans on the bed. Jeans on the bed. I don't really like my backpack in the bedroom anymore because it's been on the tube and stuff. I don't.

Yeah, outside clothes under the covers, definitely not. On the duvet, maybe fine. But not under the duvet. I always wonder what would happen. What's the risk here? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's completely mental. I mean, unless you're...

You know, there's an extreme where you have shoes, you know, clothes covered in mud and you get mud. Yeah, yeah. That's not going to happen, though, is it? Well, speaking of mud, Phil. Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry. So they go to the wash shed, which is the name suggests is a small wooden shed where you could cleanse your hands after such encounters.

When entering, I realized I had stepped in dog poo. Oh, no. The worst thing to step into. A rarity in the schoolyard. Yes. And dangerous. Dangerous. Dangerous.

A rarity in the schoolyard. Yes, and dangerous. Dangerous. Dangerous. There's a bacteria in, I think it's a bacteria in dog poo, that if kids get on their hands and touch their eyes, it can give them terrible eye problems. Can they go blind?

I think so, if it's really bad. People need to pick up their dog shit, man. It's disgusting. The area where I live, there's a dog shit fucking epidemic man Here is my authoritarian Desire And also dystopian Conspiracy prediction It's gonna be the first

We'll never be able to get a mass DNA Database by force By asking everyone to give us their DNA It'll come in through the back door through testing dog shit. Testing dog shit? Because then you know what dog did it. Oh, I see, I see, I see. There'll be a DNA database of every dog,

and you won't be able to own a dog unless it's all, you know, chipped and blah, blah, blah. And then eventually they'll just be like, well, you know, we did like a two-minute DNA sample sample like it's because it's so fast now on this dog shit that's everywhere and it's your fucking dog so we know you're not picking up after it yeah that's a good idea and there's definitely dna in shit because this is a fact i learned i wish i didn't part of the reason poo is brown is that there's a lot of dead red blood cells in there yeah it's all old blood. We were talking about

old blood going brown. God damn it, we were. Isn't that a horrible thing to know? I'm just gonna go shit out all my old blood. I hate it. I hate facts. Imagine how brown Dracula's shit is.

Oh no! Every shit is a Guinness shit if you're Dracula. Oh, crap. FFS. FFS. That's funny. Just saying FFS. Oh, FFS.

And you have to say it with the same imagination as you say it for fuck's sake. Oh, FFS. Oh, F-S. Oh, F-S. Yeah. sake oh ffs yeah and then it becomes its own swear word and like 200 years some fucking suzy dent style person is like it actually stood for for fuck's sake yes now if ffs is the thing we shout when so dog poo in the court in the schoolyard um a rarity in the school yard A rarity in the school yard, however it was not uncommon for pets to be seen on the grounds with parents at drop off or pick up

Cursing my luck, I found a suitable stick to assist with removal But alas, my shoes were new with fresh tread New shoes in the dog poos? And with a dense, deep tread of new shoes in the dog poos and with the with a dense deep tread of new shoes oh no new shoes in the dog poos new shoes in the pools no there's something really beautiful about that

sentence alas my shoes were new with fresh tread yeah it's lovely really that's nice new with fresh tread and the stick alone was not able to penetrate into the reaches of the deep grooves. I can't remember if it was me or my friend, but one of us had the brilliant idea to head back to the toilet block to pad the stick with toilet paper, cushioning the vessel and allowing for better absorption. Yeah, that's right. After 10 or so attempts, the shoe was sparkling clean with scarcely a smell to be detected. That's amazing with dog shit.

It's impossible to get rid of the smell. It would be easier to get away with murder than to clean up dog shit. It's some CSI. We've actually found a speck of dog shit beneath the new house paint I was so preoccupied with cleaning I didn't realise the toilet paper atrocity That was left behind

The bin sat behind the wooden slats Of the wash shed and in our haste My friend and I had merely pushed the feces smeared paper through the slats with the stick to drop into the waste, wedging four to five pieces firmly in place several inches above the bin opening. We returned to our 38 degree tin

portable classroom to resume our sweaty lesson. Hot country sucks. I hate living in hot country. The hot country smell of hot, hot poo in a hot, hot room and the constant nausea of heat. The closeness of it all and the sweat, the constant sweat.

It's always being in soaking clothes and matted hair. Maybe if we get so fit and thin and beautiful this year, we'll become hot country people. We'll be like those people who walk around in seven jumpers because they're so thin and fit and go, oh, God, it's cold. They'll say things like that. Isn't that something that happens?

Yeah, apparently. My girlfriend must have a very high metabolism because she's always cold and in bed a furnace. Bizarre. Just so warm. Just always. She's like a nuclear reactor or something. Just all the time. She's just Bruce Banner.

Just right after the radiation exposure. It's like sleeping with Dr. Manhattan. It's crazy. And I'm not like that. I run cold. I run hot, which means I easily get hot. That's what that means, right? I guess so.

I mean, I'm always boiling hot. Oh, yeah, too hot. At recess, the playground was abuzz with the gossip of who had left the mysterious poo-stained toilet paper that had appeared on the wash shed. Saying nothing, my friend and I headed over to see a large crowd forming around the display. As the day was humid, the odor was strong. I had time to marinate

for half an hour. No! Yuck! I hate this! The spectacle had caught the attention of the teacher on playground duty, who had come covering her nose with a large stick in hand to dismantle and dispose of the horror. I picked a bad day for playground duty.

It's a bad smell when you see an adult covering their face and going, ooh, then you know it's bad. Then you know it's real. It appeared the consensus from both teacher and crowd was that it must have been a malicious practical joke made with human fecal matter. But who would do such a thing? And how do they manage to carry so many soiled toilet papers from the toilet block, and why? Multiple theories began to emanate from the crowd.

As the paper was stuck tight, several different sticks were gathered by the surrounding crowd for the teacher to remove all the paper in a chopstick fashion, and then cleanse the slats. The worst dumplings in the world the devil's dumplings devil's dumplings that's what you call shit in a in billet tissue paper the devil's dumplings

horrible the devil's dumpling sounds like one of those like chinese exploitation stories from from the 20s Ah yeah Where it's like this mysterious man with his potions Yes yes yes Fu Manchu holding out a tray of dim sum Fu Manchu and the Devil's

Dumplings A very sexy white lady is sort of entranced Yeah it's just like flowing satin dress. Like the hand over her face. It's like she's semi-painting. Just looking at him. Oh no!

Chopstick fashion and cleanse the slats of the remaining content. The job is tedious and unpleasant. The teacher clearly underpaid. Yeah. I don't get paid enough for this shit i'm too old for this shit it's literally this shit this shit here that i can smell later that day at assembly the principal pleaded for the assailant to come forward and reveal themselves please please

children we just need answers from you please that bin it's precious to us we just um later that day at the assembly the principal pleaded for the assailant to come forward and reveal themselves offering the possibility of evading punishment should they confess to their deed bollocks that's what i would think never it would never happen suffice to say my friend and i remained silent and never spoke of the incident

at school again well done yeah good code of honor. I remained at that school for a further year where the tale could still be heard of the mysterious poo prankster being spread down to the younger generations frequenting the wash shed. Koji A.

Excellent. Thanks, A. Legends are begin. Legends are begin? Fucking hell. It's a new year and P.S. Feeling good. This is how legends are begin. Fucking hell. It's a new year and PS feeling good. This is how legends are begin. Pop this link.

That was your New Year's Eve pop this link. And now you're saying this is how legends are begin. Thank you. A congratulations on your legend are beginning. And amazing to have gotten away with Moida for so long. Yeah. To have evaded capture to this very day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The sheriff's men. What's that? They couldn't get you. Like, you're running away. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a regular. Ned Kelly.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. The famous Australian outlaw who armoured himself with, yes, yes, yes The famous Australian outlaw who armoured himself with a bucket and just sheet metal. He built an Iron Man suit to shoot at the police. It's pretty fucking cool. I mean, it's pretty rad. When you look up pictures, just look up Ned Kelly

armour. It's pretty fucking sick, man. It is crazy What's his face? Joker Australian Oh It's pretty fucking sick, man. It is crazy. What's his face? Joker. Australian. Oh. Chopper Reed. No, the Australian actor who played the Joker.

Oh, oh, oh. Heath Ledger. He played Ned Kelly in a Ned Kelly movie. I think it wasn't a very good movie. No, but you know. But he looked fucking sick, man. Ned Kelly armor, yeah, look at that. Fucking crackers. very good movie no but you know but you look fucking sick man net kill your armor yeah look at that fucking crackers you should post that with new year's goals body goals um well now it's time to go to the uh australian uh wash shed of dreams the Patreon oh okay yes

yes see Patreons there and to all non-Patreons become a Patreon but also a crappy poo smear crappy poo smear here's to another magical year of Budpod and you much love happy new year crappy poo smear see you soon

bye