BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 248 - Sexy Secrets of the Pharaohs

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

The lads discuss bottomless brunch, brexit, vodka revs, snow, the cane, correspondence in the form of amazing art by Sam Gingell and Ali gets in touch about the secrets of the Pharaohs Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 2 for 8! 2 for 8! Whoville's great! Whoville's great! Whoville from the Grinch because I feel like I'm in Whoville now, Pierre because it's snowing! Is it?

Yeah, snowing outside my window! Oh, it was fucking cold this morning where I am so that does make sense now that I think about it but I look outside my window, Philip, and there is no snow at all. I think your building emanates too much warmth. Yeah, there is a thick,

thick, low, white cloud, though. I don't know if my phone camera resolution is high enough. Can you see those white flecks flying about? Oh, yeah, little ghosts. Spirits. Little ghosts

of rain to become. Rain to be. Rain of futures past. When was the first time you encountered snow? It was when we visited the UK for a month maybe when i was 12 and my mother thought it'd

be fun for some reason to enroll us in the local school this is somewhere in like the midlands was it that thing where because it was still like summer holidays for school where you'd come from it must have been yeah and i don't know why she thought this would be a good idea i hated it terribly um the kids were just so badly behaved and they weren't caned if they were badly behaved yeah that must have seemed like a real fucking scam to you yeah yeah um you you but it was like if they did get rid of the police completely yeah it was defund the cane and i was like this is this is the future liberals want pointing at kids not paying attention in chemistry honestly it was like i was in i was in some sort of it's a wonderful lifestyle movie yeah where an angel was showing me a world

without caning and I was going take me back angel take me back whoa it's really heavy now here comes the snow well it was at this school one lunch time I sat on my own on the bench in the playground and a

single white flake landed gently on my knee. Oh no, it was on my sleeve. On the sleeve of my jacket, my puffy jacket. And I looked at it and I asked someone next to me, what's that? And they said, that's snow. Isn't that cute? And you said, that's snow what?

That's no laughing matter. That's no way to talk to a new student that's no what it was um but it was cool that's my first ever experience of snow what did you what did you do did you lick it did you just go oh i think i picked it up with my finger and it melted in my on my finger was it freaky um i guess you'd seen it in films and stuff. He was actually very humble. I think I'd built Snow up so much as this all-encompassing, blizzard-like situation.

Yeah. That when I encountered just a single snowflake, I thought, oh, wow, how humble Snow actually is alone. I guess Snow is like bees. It's only really life-threatening in great numbers. Yes, unless you're allergic to snow. But a single snowflake is fine. Yeah.

Unless you're allergic to snow. Do you reckon there's anyone allergic to snow? There's got to be someone out there who's allergic to water. I think it does exist, but I can't imagine they make it too far up yeah i can i'm gonna look it up now look it up while you look at that's a tough one being allergic to water while you look it up one i will i'll i i first encountered snow at the age of i think eight years old on the isle of man me eight years old yep i think i was eight i think i was eight and um me and my younger sister lost our fucking minds that must have been cool we were stayed out so long our hands went like

blue because we were like it's it's real it made it made itself into ice more than I thought. If you compact it, you know? Yeah. I thought it would still retain some of its fluffiness somehow because visually it does. But it turned out that making a snowman while fun was much more like... I think when kids are making snowmen in their heads, the soundtrack is the soundtrack to the Northman.

Gong, gong, gong. Because it's like hard labor, and you're trying to roll this stuff, and it's ice, and it's so heavy and dense, and your hands are freezing, and you're so hot in your little jacket. I got in trouble for throwing i got trouble throwing a snowball at my sister back of the head execution style and you have to do two two snowballs a quick succession

yeah one one to the skull and one to the spine really quick yeah and um and she started crying and it turned out there's like a piece of ice there, and it really hurt. And I got in trouble for hurting her. But I didn't have the language at the time to say, plausible deniability. There's no way I could have known there was ice in that snowball. I should not be tried. Firstly, I should not be tried as an adult, which it feels like I am.

And secondly, at worst, it's the manslaughter equivalent if yeah if hitting my sister with a block of ice is murder i've had best committed manslaughter yeah there should have been a bit where your sister's lawyer took her aside and said well actually well unless we can prove he inserted the ice deliberately we'll never get him on these charges the da is recommending that we downgrade in a big meeting, like in Law and Order. Yes, there's always that thing where someone says there's a stone in it.

A bad kid can put a stone in a snowball, you know? Yeah, right. Yeah, like putting a razor blade in a cake. Yes, or in the brim of your hat Like an old school Janster A Janster Of course we were

Ambushed by snow in Africa We were, we were snowed in To the highest pub in the world Yeah in Lesotho It's quite a thing And we were with the South African crew who had mostly never seen snow before. And they certainly didn't

expect to see the first ever snow in South Africa. Southern Africa. It was very surprising and it was very deep and cold. I was really weirded out by it. I actually got sent a message on Instagram by James. Oh, yes. From the crew. Yeah, Instagram by James. Oh, yes.

From the crew. Yeah, comedy fan James. Yes, yes. He's back in the highest pub in the world the other day, but trapped by fog instead of snow. What? Yeah. What a dangerous pub.

Yeah, I know. What a spooky pub. Spooky highest ever pub. They might as well put a Sky Sports banner Outside that pub for how dangerous it is That is a scary signal isn't it Yeah In the UK

I walk past the pub the other day where I thought Wow by that metric this is the most terrifying pub ever Because like It was very run down The windows were like some of the windows were just like wallpapered over like a lot more like like newspapered over and yeah like it was like hadn't been repainted in ages the sign was crappy and the pub sign was bad but like perfectly clear and just a bit ratty were like um it was a pub on a corner so it had

four sides yeah the walls and just like i've never seen the sky wait a pub on the corner whenever two sides it was it was on a corner of um it was only attached at the back is at the top of a block see what i'm saying like that do you know what i mean no i don't imagine a row of buildings the building at the end of the row has three sides oh if there's two streets either side okay okay i get you i get you see what i mean it's sort of pointing out yeah yeah every side had a sky sports stuff it's a building peninsula every side had sky sports stuff on it and it had two sandwich boards out in the street advertising a long list of football games for teams i hadn't

heard of woof and it was like midday and a weekday and it was fucking rammed with the crowd it was ram well it was very busy with the kind of people you normally see smoking outside of Wetherspoons on the Foldy chairs. Yeah. And I thought, fucking hell, there's some fights in that pub. Oh, big time. But we need them to exist. We need pubs to siphon off people who either want to or not.

Our pubs. And there's some very scary news this week. Was it Vodka Revolutions going out of business? No. Vodka Revs going out of business? No. Vodka Revs? Yeah, I know. Are you telling me, Phil? Are you honestly telling me, Philip Wang,

that the British public are sick of buying a flight of six shots of the worst vodka they've ever had? Did you ever do that? Yeah, I think I did. First couple of times. Absolutely disgusting. But at least it's only when you've never drunk anything before in your life.

Yeah. That kind of takes the edge off. That's true. Zero tolerance. Yeah, it looks... Yeah, so the revolution to close eight bars despite best Christmas for a while. So it to close eight bars Despite best Christmas For a while

So it's closing eight bars So even though they had the best ever Christmas With loads of vomiting and horrible vodka Flavoured with strawberry Well this This is how all revolutions end up, isn't it Pierre? Running out of money Running out of money money eating its own children

typical the infighting i'm sure the bartenders have been sort of beheading each other because they aren't pure enough about vodka there yeah vodka revolutions had the same ceo for 40 years and then he died of a stroke and then they had to replace him with a new guy who backstabbed the other guy the politburo of vodka revolutions is very what exactly was the revolutionary idea of vodka revolutions was it that people wanted to drink vodka yeah i think it was that what if we actually sold vodka kind of more than most pubs and also we made it seem... The revolution starts here. Yeah. And then... Just immediately vomiting. What if the revolution was... It's like a pub that sells vodka a bit more.

But it looks like a laser tag lobby. It's got a weird theme. What you're talking about, Greg, is a revolution. Are you sure you're ready for this? Selling disgusting vodka that is flavoured with some licorice. Awful, those flights of vodka. Really disgusting. flights of vodka i hate disgusting it also gave me a an incorrect assumption on on how flavored alcohol was going to be for the rest of my life my presumption was every alcohol has its

base well not vanilla base uh unflavored state and then if you're really fancy you add some cherry you add some licorice you add flavor to that thing oh really i assumed it was classy to have some flavor because you're adding i mean that's still it's still at the age where you're like oh more is good so if you're adding things to the drink then it must be better oh so you're like oh the king of the king of of poland he would have uh the most flavored vodka around that would be his special drink would be a vodka of a thousand flavors exactly apple and blueberry vodka what am i a habsburg yeah sure yeah that's right when you're when you're young you sort of think but that's that's more that's loads so that's good but this is my worry p.a if some if a business like vodka revolution goes down

in the same way and i think i've made this comparison before but in the same way we need the sea and forests as carbon sinks yeah places like vodkaaces like Vodka Revolutions are twat sinks. And we need them to keep the twats, to hold the twats in so that they don't suffocate us in our nice pubs, in our nice bars. And so our nice pubs don't start to have a financial incentive to start selling flights of strawberry, licoriceice caramel vodka. And bottomless brunches. This is my authoritarian

opinion. Bottomless brunches should be illegal. The British public cannot be trusted with the bottomless brunch, I'm afraid. I'm afraid we cannot. Maybe when we learn to behave and control ourselves, we can have bottomless brunches back. But for now, no bottomless brunches back but for now no bottomless brunches

this is my offer to the British people either either bottomless brunches are banned or we rejoin the EU up to you oh I mean that's going to be a lot more than 52-48 in favour of brunch

in favour of brunch. In favor of which you think would win? Brunch. As in, so we'd rejoin the EU so people are going to get their bottomless brunches back. Oh, I see. I thought you... Oh, sorry. I misunderstood you. Sorry, I phrased it maybe a bit...

I phrased it a bit confusingly. Oh, then, yeah. Then, oh, God, no. Then it would be close. Yeah. I don't know. I think it would be close. I mean, it was so close last time, and that was based on nothing. Yeah.

This is based on something. This is based on unlimited eggs and Prosecco. Eggs and Prosecco. What a delicious combo. All farty. The eggs. I'd love to have some farty eggs with a big fizzy drink yeah and I want to build up a lot of

gas in there to really add some pressure to this eggy concoction I'm whisking up I want a belly full of wet egg and fizzy sour booze at fucking 11 in the morning that's what i want i want to be absolutely

boiling inside just a terrible tornado i've never thought of it in those times before it's horrible it is gross throw some bechamel sauce in there let's curdle some fucking cream stop it and yeah i want to have and then a latte as well Some coffee Let's add coffee to that mix Let's get this fucking rocket fuel going The bathrooms at Bottomless Branch Must be a nightmare

They must look like a test site There's a great piece Is it in the Guardian About a guy who used to work Waiting tables at a bottomless brunch In London And he's like, ban these things Ban these things now

It just sounds horrific Is he like the old sailor from Jaws You see what I seen, boy The eyes of a bottomless branch lady Black like a doll's eyes Just harrowed, scratching his head. I think the other thing, I think also what makes it worse is that it is a trashy thing dressed up as classy, which brings out the worst in people.

It's very interesting. I was talking to someone who had been an air, a cabin crew, you know, air attendant. Yeah. A flying butler. A flying, you know, air attendant. Yeah. A flying butler. A flying butler. A flying attendant. Yeah. A flying security guard and nurse.

They all are, basically. Yeah. It's a mixture of roles on the land. But she had worked in all the classes. Economy, premium economy, business first. She worked them all. And I sent, who are the worst? Which class has the worst people in them?

And she said, premium economy by far. Oh, yeah. Premium economy is the worst class. Because they've paid a little bit and expect like a lot back. Uh-huh. Everyone else is sort of comfortable where they are. Everyone else sort of knows where they are everyone else sort of knows where they are premium companies is kind of uncanny valley between economy and and and and

and business and in the same way i think like bottomless brunch is this uncanny valley between a pub and a restaurant yeah and people just people when you put in that people kind of they just go they just become animals it's strange isn't it because like i i think i think so much would change if everyone had to work in or do any job i mean in in a place like a bottomless branch place because you see how the sausages are made and like even from just gigging in comedy clubs where you're just like when you're on the other side of just like feed the pigs their nachos you know you're never going to be comfortable being a pig again oh yeah because you're sitting there bottomless brunch with and they've made it all look nice and they've got like gold edged

plates or whatever and And like nice glasses. And there's like table settings that are sort of like a big pink flamingo with some tropical flowers all made of plastic. And there's like a neon angel wing sign. I'm having a panic attack already. You can have a photo taken. And there's like a frame of plastic ivy, green leaves all around the neon angel wing sign. And there's a white stool. And it's all I mean it's

Tat central it's like if Tat Was a restaurant But if you've been At the service side Of that or seen it You know that backstage as it were There are a bunch Of

Teenagers and weirdos with just crate after crate of fucking North Korean Prosecco. And they're just like, whatever, just make the fucking pick the egg up off the floor, put it back on the fucking plate. Who cares? They're not even eating it. back on the fucking plate who cares they're not even eating it and you're just like and like oh table three they've they've trying to hide the fact one of them's been sick and one of the the art buckets or whatever and once you see the grossness of it and the screaming and the kind of entitlement and weirdness then they were even if you're in that setting again with good friends and drunk you still you just you just, you know now.

You know what it's like. The secrets are revealed to you. Yeah, you can't unsee it. You can't unsee the true face of the bottomless brunch. Yeah, and you know that they're upselling you on Eggs Benedict because it's not included, but it's plus two pounds, you know? Supplementary. Two-pound supplement. Yeah, supplement. two pounds you know supplementary yeah two pound supplement yeah supplement i love i love to i love to buy that supplement special i have a supplement yeah and you're sitting there going oh there's a

special on that because they made too much bechamel yesterday and it's going to curdle soon so you know all that you know the secrets yeah yeah um absolutely vile should be illegal no more bottomless brunches until we re-enter the eu that's the rule people yep pick your poison and am i suggesting a correlation between people who frequent bottomless brunches and their likely position on the eu referendum yes i am well that is something that was pointed out uh at the time the most damaging thing to society about that referendum was what a shockingly accurate predictor your stance on brexit was for almost every other part of your life there were exceptions there were plenty of Islington vegetarian lexiteers,

but only a few. There were plenty in number, but not as a statistic. And there were some, you know, Liverpool's a very blue-collar city, proud working-class city, and that was fully Remain, very powerful Remain, which some people linked with it not reading the Sun newspaper. Oh, that's very interesting. Maybe.

But other than these exceptions broadly speaking huh i'm potentially proximity to ireland both physically and culturally yes that's true as well yeah yeah yeah but other than these exceptions you could just look at someone it could be like a good version of guess who you just say to someone okay um they went to oxbridge but they work for a charity you go oh remain yeah yes absolutely and you go they went to oxbridge but they work for a hedge fund and you go um uh what does the hedge fund invest in uh manufacturing oh remain uh oh uh just like shorting and like money trading if oh leave yeah leave i was gonna say shorting if they're shorting they're definitely gonna vote yeah yeah yeah so they bet against

things doing well yeah they're gonna be voting leave yeah yeah oh they're cynical monsters who don't care about the rest of society yeah yeah leave if they work in banking and that's their mindset absolutely leave yeah yeah it's it's that's what's so damaging though. Because when you get an issue that cuts society in twain that clearly. And you can tell I'm a Remainer because I just said twain. And only a poncy EU

fucking piece of shit would fucking you know. Huh? I think we could probably tell from your personification of leave voters. voters yeah that's true oh look also you know if you're uh living in one of the parts of the country that's been completely left behind by all investment sure yeah leave but that's not the eu's fault so it's still a wrong decision in my head it's a decision i understand but it's like punching your mom

because your dad's left. It's not. It doesn't make sense. It might make you feel better. Yeah. Anyway. Can you believe how long ago that was now? It's crackers. And it's still in the news and it's still ruining everything. It's still ruining

everything. It's not in the news though is the thing. That's the peculiar thing about it. It's is enormous elephant in the country it still comes up with the tories though it's always like there was a report the other week that the ministers were like oh i feel like some anonymous minister was like oh you're just constantly tested as to whether or not you believe in brexit and all these weird little ways and it makes it impossible to do the job as easily because you can't you have to try and oh yeah i mean brexit is still infecting politics and particularly infecting the um it's an infection that's killed and will kill the tory party that's

well that's what people aren't saying is they go have the tories just are they tired out it's 13 years a natural amount of time for a government to be in power no one is saying in 2016 they were infected with a terminal illness that was brexit and it's ruined the party it looks like it hasn't because boris johnson won this big majority but boris johnson becoming leader is you know a symptom yeah and without brexit there's no boris johnson there's no list trust there's no Boris Johnson, there's no Liz Truss, there's no Rishi Sunak, there's no mortgage crisis, yadda, yadda, yadda. And so it's what killed them eventually. It was an illness they signed up to. And that's what's weird to me,

that people don't just say, this has all come from Brexit. This is all just, this is just another domino falling after the first domino. I think the most helpful thing for getting the Remain side to accept that they had lost is how incredibly irritating the FBPE people are on Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But as Twitter dies, thankfully, I think hopefully it'll be less polarised and less obnoxious. That's very hopeful thinking. Yeah, because there's lots of extremely... Those people are super obnoxious who are like, did you vote Leave just because you haven't tried

pate? Those people who go on and on about how shit England is and how great France is. Fucking go there then. Live in the Loire Valley. The intersection between righteous politics and sort of cockwomble Twitter humour has a very destructive legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, you bloody wank puffin. Yuck horrible Oh god The legacy of sort of The whimsical swearing in compound Nouns of Blackadder I think I wonder what The upcoming and current

Right wingification Of Europe will do for The FPPE lot With Giorgio Maloney in Italy. Although Poland went the other way. Poland's gone... Yeah, Poland is the very significant outlier.

But now, Netherlands, France... France, not sure yet. We'll see. Yeah, it does seem... The thing about Europe is at least when one place goes Way right and another seems to go left And they kind of all

Balance each other out At least Europe doesn't seem to go all far right at once Yeah It's all you take your turn You have your shift With Macron who knows what that Sneaky little cougar fucker's Got up his sleeve

He'll think of something was his wife is his teacher or something yeah oh she was right yeah yeah yeah yeah that's sick every boy's dream i'll marry my hot teacher and I'll become president of France. France loves leaders who are sexually odd. They love it. Yeah. Yeah. Because they want to feel seen.

Yeah. They like to know it. I think if you're a leader in France and you don't seem sexually odd, people just assume that it's so odd you're not even being out with it in a country that's fine with that right although you're hiding something even worse like if you lived in a country where all drugs were legal and you had a friend who was like hey i'm gonna do some substances but don't tell anyone it's it's it's people aren't cool with it you'd be be like, oh, my God. It must be fucking like kid's blood or something then. If you're ashamed of doing it in this society. Like when they discovered Francois Hollande had an affair, had a mistress. His popularity went up by like five points.

Yeah, yeah. Because the French were like, oh, great. Thank God. He's so boring. Maybe France is better. Interesting. Interesting. No, everything's on fire all the

time yeah literally people then people like to say countries on fire france regularly is they love to set big tire fires then again we're a bit on fire um but we'll figure it out phil only in the summer yeah it's all gonna come right phil i have faith i have faith what's gonna come right the the uk it's it's been pooing the bed yeah yeah i look if nothing else remember this podcast's unofficial catchphrase regression to the mean regression to the mean the uk is due a massive regression to the mean huge you've been flipping this uk coin it has been tails for fucking 13 years it has it has to be heads now it has to be heads yeah exactly we can't break maths we've tried so hard to break maths by doing things like destroying the thing that makes the numbers go up and then trying to make

the numbers go up. Things like that. But it has to be ads. Exactly. We should do some correspondence. Okay. Ring letters. Emails.

Phone calls. Your sister. Correspondence. correspondence now Philippo I'm gonna send you a piece of art okay and it's by

our listener Sam who I believe we read his amazing sort of poem out on the bonus pod, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Sam, god damn. He has a way with words. In the bonus pod, Sam wrote us an incredible poem about having a terrible...

Was he hungover? Had a stomach bug? He was in a hostel. stomach bug he was in a hostel and a hostel whilst um euro was it train was it uh rail uh interrailing or something like this yeah and he wrote this beautiful lyrical poem about the experience of crawling to the toilet vomiting and shitting everywhere and it turned out he was writing it on the floor of the toilet in situ yeah and he only revealed that towards the end of the poem where it was like and by the way reader i'm there now you know it was incredible reveal yeah well phil it turns out that he's even more of a renaissance man

than we thought because he's wearing a rough and he's got syphilis no he's not that kind of renaissance man he has done the most amazing piece of art um i will you know i'll read the message and then i'll i'll whatsapp it to you and we can hear your reaction live okay and then i'll put it on instagram or i'll post it somehow uh sam says, I drew this almost two years ago and only remembered it today whilst putting together my portfolio. I think I lost faith in it at the time, feeling it was a little Mark Chapman.

What does that mean? Mark Chapman is the guy who shot John Lennon. Oh, okay. Because it's quite an intense drawing, I will say. Okay. I lost faith in it at the time, fearing it was a little mark chapman but it's aged pretty well and there's no sense in it never seeing the light

of day so here you go do with it as you will frame it burn it have it tattooed on a loved one but if you could also show it to phil on the pod i'd really like to hear his reaction i hope it's not too insane coaching okay so here is the image I hope it's not too insane Koji Okay so Here is the Image Sent Okay I'm looking at it now

Opening Whoa Yeah Whoa Can you describe it It's essentially a movie poster For bud pod it's got bud pod written over the top in blue and red and the tagline the stinking man's the stinking man's bum pit yes which we said at some point a long time ago the stinking man's bum pit is what we what we call ourselves in the image pierre and i are sat on

like an underground or transit train some sort of metro train but but instead of regular seats the seats we're on are toilets yeah and we're sat next to some pretty disapproving looking um horrible people yeah and above us oh there's a bum with a there's a bum with like some intestine sticking out of it. The bum is like

pumping. Mechateen. Sam's drawn Mechateen. Yeah that's Mechateen and look look who's dancing on Mechateen's hip. Who's dancing on Mechateen.

City Roach. Yeah. It's City Roach oh my god oh Grandma Caveman's holding a sign that says pop jizz stink is the Joker's in there it's like the Joker Bruce Forsyth as Dr. Manhattan

is on the posters at the back as well whoa there's so much detail here okay well Pierre will have to post this. Yeah. And people and pod buds can see. Uncle Fatty the monkey is there. Oh, wow.

And look at the little kid in the front standing in the sewer drain. Oh, that's what I was trying to figure out what he's got on his hands. They're chickens. Yeah, boy. Chicken boxing. Chicken boxing. An absolute classic i've i've messaged sam and asked him if i could put it on instagram because it's so amazing

um yes he says yes okay i'll post that i'll put it on my instagram i'll tag you in it sam it's so good how do you feel about seeing mechatine power the power of a thousand wanks he's got like a big hand mechatine looks genuinely cool he's the outfit is kind of like um crusader cyborg judge dread oh it's judge dread it's very 2000 ad yeah yeah drawing style it's very cool how good is that wow i'm so impressed he's very talented guy sam he's a renaissance man now he just needs to compose a very uh fiddly piece of music for one specific instrument that isn't really played much anymore like the harpsichord and uh then he'll be a true renaissance man on my lap i have a bottle of super poison oh do you yeah which i think is

he killed the lawnmower with it i think didn, didn't he? Ah. I think that was Sam himself, I think. Or am I getting confused? Or was it like us when we were kids making potions out of our mum's bathroom products? Yes, yes, yes. And he made some sort of evil compound in his garage and injected it into his lawnmower and destroyed it. He tried to fuel the lawnmower with super poison or something and it blew up i think i'm struggling to remember struggling to remember now okay so check that out on instagram um and phil i'm just taking a second here to sign into the bud pod email because i've got a new phone oh yeah we're all very happy for you thank you thank you is it a is it um a substantial

upgrade does it feel better work better phil you and i another similarity we share is not getting a new phone uh until about you've after about five years yes yeah so it's it's always going to be a substantial upgrade baby of course i don't understand people who want to get the new one every single time it's like the idea of that makes me so stressed you're not going to feel the benefit it's like putting on your scarf too early you won't feel the benefit i i just make it makes me so stressed like oh once a year i love to spend an afternoon downloading an icloud backup and oh admin um so i i'm just not a fan i'm just not a fan philip um so we have a message from ali ali Ali, our good pal-y.

Yes, and Ali, if you don't mind me saying, I've clicked on your profile picture on your Gmail, and he's a handsome fella. I'll just show a photo. His picture's kind of badly stretched from cropping, but look at that guy. Whoa. Yeah.

He looks like fucking Dorman, the Fifty Shades at that guy whoa yeah he looks like um fucking dorman the 50 shades of gray guy does he doesn't he i don't know i think maybe he just has a beard but yeah handsome guy beard with a jacket yeah suit jacket um shout out to the pod bud who gave me a koji in the charity shop in Peckham yesterday. Cool place to be kojied. Very cool place to be kojied. Yeah, boy. So, the

subject line is Pharaoh Phallus spam. Military doctor tells all. Pharaoh Phallus spam. Phallus. phallus yeah okay dear purveyors of poop long time listener here absolutely love the pod keep up the smelly work i recently moved to wales and was perhaps too pleased to learn that the word for bread sounds like a fart phenomenon holds up here too oh great the Welsh word

for bread being bara bara bara bara their front loaf also works adding a fun little breathy finish to the initial fart sound oh well I think

Paul the Tour when we were touring with Paul the Tour Welsh Paul the Tour mentioned bara I think you're right I think Paul the Tour, when we were touring with Paul the Tour, Welsh Paul the Tour, mentioned Barra. I think you're right. I think Paul the Tour has been to Barra a few times. Yes, yeah. I think he makes good Barra. Barra. Barra.

Barra, Barra, Barra. Swing. Anyway, getting to the point. I completely crack up whenever you guys discuss spam adverts or junk mail, and as a result have started checking my junk folder occasionally in the hope of finding some gold. That's the equivalent of train spotting when he dives into the toilet to get that one pill. We should edit that so it's just about Budpod. We should just get Matt Ewins to Photoshop Budpod around

the rim of the bowl. Have a hovering label on the guy called The Listener. Spam is like the persistent, unnegotiating turd of the email world clogging up our inboxes it's never going to go away completely so why not scoop it out and enjoy it occasionally

exactly I thought this one was particularly ridiculous for so many reasons not least because of the email address itself so I wanted to share with you and I hope you might perhaps read it out on the pod in fact I think you could do a whole section just on spam there's so much material out there. And you could do your own jingle for it as well.

Maybe. Maybe. Here is the email. Okay, let's have a look. Ellie's screenshot. Oh, come on. Oh, granddad's got a new phone. Oh, no.

Save image. There we go. Oh, I felt pretty weird going into the Apple store and chatting to the lady. Did you go to the big one on Regent Street? Yeah. Yeah. I always go in person to buy my phone. I don't want to order it in the post.

Too risky. Yeah. I used to go, but then, you know me, I found some fucking way to get little bits of thingies if you order at this particular time from this particular website and someone comes over and gives you a little kiss on the eye. And it was fine. I should start trying to get you to buy things from me on the promise that like it comes with like a sort of i don't know like a kind of perfectly cooked a perfectly roasted

walnut in a little ring box just like little fancy treats just like a little an eminem on a necklace yes you know things like that that So here's the email Oh wow this is the subject line of the email The Pharaoh's Penis enlargement legacy Oh so this is the actual junk email Sam is it Sam? Ali

He was paraphrasing this is the actual email The Pharaoh's penis enlargement Legacy colon Military doctor tells all Oh my god Wow Underscore 09429989 You gotta have that in there

Just to clarify what the email's about You just go The Pharaoh's penis enlargement legacy Military doctor tells all What the Oh wait hang on 09429989 Okay Right military doctor tells all what the oh wait hang on zero nine four two nine nine eight nine okay right this is not

the beginning really so I can understand I get it I get it yeah the email address is pharaoh power info at v28 pp 0 c w t i g h c i s s dot educ-i-s-s dot edu. A very respectable email address. Dot edu. Dot edu. Like a university. It's a professor. He's a professor of

pharaohs. He's an Egyptologist. He's the world's first professor of Egyptology and penisology. And he's found some crossover. So they say the email says we thought we knew everything about ancient egypt did we i think we famously don't know very much i think i think a big problem is that we don't know nearly enough anyway we thought we knew everything about ancient Egypt. Okay. How wrong we were.

Dot, dot, dot. You go, oh, is this going to be like a new hieroglyphic inscription? Something to do with the two kingdoms period? Or maybe... No, no, no. Recent findings from the Pyramid of Giza describe a secret foot this is in bold now this is the one the single singular pyramid of giza is it uh the email says pyramids phil so i'm gonna the professor's gonna have to correct you on that oh no no no i thought i thought you said they said a pyramid of giza no no pyramids of giza okay well fair enough it checks out so far

yeah describe in bold a secret fertility ritual The pharaohs used to enlarge their members By four Comma five And even six inches I love that This is an addition They used to enlarge their penises by four

Five Hell six Hell six inches wow the process is even depicted in hieroglyphics warning not for the faint of heart i think you could see a naughty hieroglyphic i think they're sort of non-representative enough that i don't think it's offensive yeah that's true you could look and go yeah okay that could be a someone stretching their dick on a big wheel um this latest discovery has shocked the male enhancement industry and that's a hard industry to shock yeah yeah they're pretty they're pretty glazed over in the eyes the uh male enhancement industry yeah it takes a lot uh to shock them big pharma companies are already

racing to patent this discovery and stop it From getting into the hands of regular people Big pharma Always getting in the way of the little guy Phil, big pharma don't want you to have A 14 inch dick For some reason For some reason that would be bad

So They're going to stop you from doing what any normal person could do in their kitchen and recreate an ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic depicted penis enlargement ritual. Big Pharma doesn't want this to get out because it would undermine their own penis enlargement procedures. Yeah, exactly. You know, the GSK grow your dick pill? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Pfizer dick megaton injection. This is why you must watch this video before it's too late. I don't know how much longer I can keep it online. I love that. Before big pharma. line i love that before big farmer that's like a spider-man holding the the paths of the train together ah quick get a 14 inch dick i don't know how much longer i can hold them off ah as as as they watch the video you see that knock on the door and the video ends with the guy going

no and it cuts to black like the door gets barged in by a bunch of huge dick swat team members yeah there is this there is this uh uh subtext of all these would grow your dick emails that the person behind it is sort of doing it almost altruistically like they're doing it not for the money but for the love of the dick the love of the dick. The love of the big dick. They're just saying, I just want everyone. It's like with Thingy, the guy who released the internet source code to everyone in the 2012 London Olympics opening ceremony. This is for everyone. Big dicks.

Tim Berners-Lee. Yeah, Tim Berners-Lee and then all the Mary Poppins with huge dicks float down on umbrellas. Yeah, and then the link is blue. The blue link is unlock the secret penis ritual of the pharaohs for free. How great is that?

I don't know how much longer I can keep it online. Quick, enlarge your dick. Quick. Also, have any of the mummies they've uncovered from Giza or the valley of the kings revealed like big old wrinkly pharaoh dicks or like maybe the dick is in a whole separate jar and they just think it's intestine that's no intestine why that's a tick that's a fucking that's an old

pharaoh dick for years we presumed this was Imhotep's pet snake. Only metaphorically. But it turned out he knew this one weird trick. Yeah, and it's in this hieroglyph. He's dead. He was actually killed by Big Pharma. That's why all the pharaohs are dead. That's what those guys in the hieroglyphs wearing lab coats are.

Aha! Every pharaoh who learned this trick has been is dead coincidence that's all the time we have now it's time to go to the secret dick enlargement Egyptian facility pyramid of the patreon yeah so we see any secret patreon people there

if you're not a patreon become a patreon also I have two big shows left of this tour. Northampton in February. February? Northampton on the 20th of February and the London Apollo, the big one, to

finish off on the 23rd of February. So if you're in Northampton or London, come to those. Yep. And I will be supporting Frank Skinner on his tour and doing my own tour in autumn already on sale fantastic stuff but for now have a good week

or see you on Friday bye