BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 249 - Inside Meat

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

Wang is skiing! The lads discuss globes of gold, fancy pants, ski equipment, actors, a message from Tom en Paris with tales of cane rats, Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod249. 249. The powder's fine. That's right. The powder's fine. We have to record this episode early because I'm currently on my first ever ski trip. Yes. Stupid sexy Phil Wang.

Stupid sexy Phil Wang. Are you going to get a skin tight uh jumpsuit i i don't think so the the the ladies have real privilege here i've been in like charity shops with stunning 80s ski suits for the ladies yeah um nothing for the fellas i'm gonna have to go in like A puffy jacket and trousers I'm gonna look like I'm fucking Going to On a hike or something you know You could rent one couldn't you

Maybe Although we've been told You rent some things you rent helmets and poles and The skis themselves I don't know about the actual outfit Yeah We'll find out But anyway that's all pretty minor stuff

You've been skiing once before Yeah How do you find it? Can I borrow your ski suit? I was a young teen You would have been my size then well that is true to my recollection we rented everything but did we rent a suit maybe i didn't maybe i just wore but it would have been too cold i'm not sure i don't really remember I liked it yeah

it was tiring and it was good I you've not gone back though this is what frustrates me and I guess most people about skiing and why it's considered a privileged sport is that you have to buy all hundreds of pounds worth of stuff on the chance that you

like it and go back and spend a hundred more pounds to go back again otherwise you just have a pair of salopettes in your pantry yeah i i don't the rest of your life we didn't buy anything i think we i think we we went to a very commercial like at the bottom of the ski slope was a massive rental store kind of thing it was like when you go do a seaside activity and they all have a big stinky rack of jumpsuits of wetsuits yeah right you know i remember something very much like that but with big boots and and padded suits they're definitely helmets and boots and the actual equipment and uh you just sort of lined up and rented your fucking thing. And they fitted it to you like in a shoe shop.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. And it was all very, like... It was all very... I wouldn't say... It would be, okay, it'd be unfair to say it was rough and ready. But, I mean, it wasn't like a butler came and fucking massaged your pantsuit onto you.

It was very, like, hey, what do you want? You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your shoes are too big you have to have these shoes and like if they didn't have the size then fuck you kind of thing it was very yeah sure get on with it yeah so i'm sure we weren't i'm sure that we weren't doing it in the most fancy possible way but uh yeah interesting i don't remember there being almost

any other english people but i want to express myself pierre with my clothing choices oh you want to be a interesting person on the slopes do you instead it's just warm well i've already got gloves that are like like spaced out uh um what is it called when a son dies no when it dies what's left over? It looks a bit like supernovae. It's like all these space clouds on it. Oh, a nebula. Nebula. Nebulous.

It's got a nebulous pattern on it, yeah. What do you think other skiers will... This guy's from space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll think I'm an alien from a superior uh species and civilization and i've come for a little holiday oh man i've watched one youtube video on the basics of skiing and i think i got it you think you're ready to go you know what i'm really excited about is the lifts those are cool why are you excited about those it's a big machine in it that takes you up and

down yeah it is a big machine i can't deny that um yeah it is cool i can't remember because have you seen that you can get the ones which are just like a little a little uh stool between between your legs yeah this is in the youtube video that looked awesome yeah like it's a little round plate on a on a rope and you put it between your legs and your little gooch there and it

just drags you up the slope that looks awesome I want to do that dragged up by your fucking gooch yeah I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt though well maybe

I mean you might this might be the last ever episode of Bud Pod I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt though. Well, maybe. I mean, you might. This might be the last ever episode of Bud Pod. Don't go on like a diamond slope or whatever it is then. Just stay on the green. I'm guessing green is the easy one. Yeah, according to this video, it's either green or blue. Depending where you are. Okay, okay. It's the easiest Depending where you are. Okay, okay.

It's the easiest. I'm going to stay. They're going to call me green boy. I'm going to be there all week. They're going to call me green bean. Yes, green. That'll be my catchphrase. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, just... I mean, you could still... I mean, anyone can slip and break their arm kind of thing. No! I don't hear that. I've already broken my arm once yeah and now you're gonna break it skiing with willy wonka no living in a timothy chalet oh thank you in my timothy chalet timothy chalet is he what's the deal with his name is he what is what's his dad is french Thank you. I'm Timothy Chalolet. I'm Timothy Chalolet. Is he... What's the deal with his name?

Is he... What is... His dad is French. Ah. That explains why he looks like a little delicate boy. I watched the other night... What's it with the two fellas there? Call me by your name.

I watched that movie with the two fellas there. The old your name i watched that movie with the two fellas there the old uh the old uh come and fuck my apple uh jizzing my fucking banana yeah yeah yeah um it was excellent i loved it so good really really good really the performances are brilliant it's so beautiful the setting is a lovely bit of italy and it's so lovely and the characters are nice i don't know if i know this and there's no great conflict there's no enormous conflict it's very subtle conflict um that the protagonists have to sort of overcome and i like movies like that you know that just kind of I kind of like meandery kind of movies. It's a slice of life. It's a slice of life.

We've talked about this before. It's a slice of life and coming of age. And coming in peach. But mainly, a coming of age slice of life. They've combined the genres. Here's a little visit to someone's life. Here's a slice of their life. Now it's over You get to leave

Doop-de-doop-de-dee Yeah I finished watching The terrible It wasn't Was it terrible? It's sort of The Netflix series that we discussed

On BonusPod I finished watching Fool Me Once the Harlan Coburn Adaption Oh yes this is the sort of crime Drama series set in Manchester But seemingly set in California because

Everyone has guns in big houses Seemingly set in I think it would have been set in Somewhere in New England Because there's all sorts of stuff About like a fancy prep school And things And it's like Oh they've tried to transpose

Even that dynamic Doesn't perfectly transpose Onto a British private school Because it's not quite the same The English actors in that Must have felt insane Yeah And

Joanna Lumley's in that Yeah If Joanna Lumley says Gar that. If Drano Lumley says garbage, I'm going to kill myself. Someone's ringing the fucking door. I'm sorry, I'll be back in a second. All right, all right. Listeners, to catch you up while Phil's gone,

basically, Harlan Coben has written loads of thriller books set in America. They're all set in America. And they only ever seem to get adapted for... Like is adapted set in france i think two i think are in the uk and there's a lot of mid-atlantic confusion where high schools are presented as organizations that have money or or flags and uh everyone drives big trucks that have trunks, not boots. Gun racks and a house, totally normal. People who are in the army or who work for the police have big houses.

Yeah, this doesn't really work. It doesn't stop it from working, but it doesn't really work in the sense that it's like... If you're a shitty pedant like me, it bugs you. But yeah. It's something to do with finances, I guess. Like, oh, we can fund this because it is cheaper to make things in the UK, guys. If you're ever wondering why there's so many British actors last night at the Golden Globes. What did you get, Phil? I swear, did I accidentally select an option on Amazon that said,

only ever deliver when I'm recording Bud Pods? It does seem that way. It does seem like... It's like the weight in the bushes for me to set the microphone up, and they're like, no, no, no, no, no. What is it? I've ordered one of those things from Amazon that's so small and flat, it makes you feel insane,

because you essentially posted a flat piece of cardboard. Yeah. Because I got some of them flat batteries. Oh, no. Yeah. They do make you feel nuts. Everyone's favorite. Code CR2032 batteries. Those are the classic.

These are the flat ones. They always forget to exist. They go in watches and stuff. But now, why order that at all? They just look nice. No, I mean, like... I need to replace a battery in my um my bag wear device they sell them in like tesco though

well i don't know that for sure and i just want it in my house also it's such a flat package why could he not fit that through your letterbox why is he ringing your doorbell oh because i have a little gate oh that's right yeah yeah yeah you live in a secret um community i do we live in a commune phil is um i'm not sure i'm not sure what the official title is but i guess you could call it like um head father of the uh of the two or three hundred filthy uh semi-nude people who live on the uh the hollowed out hill um that's right i am the only one in the muse who knows the truth about our savior and if everyone gives me enough cups of sugar i'll tell them they haven't given me enough yet but they will soon the date of the spaceship yeah um yes the goldy globes i was just saying how um i think one of the reasons

that because people are like oh well if it's i was i was looking it up on twitter and people are like well if it's not meant to be set in england why is it then and it's like well they don't these are people who don't understand how things get made and i mean i don't either but i know more than they do and it's cheaper to film things in the uk because we don't have a strong union for say crew there's no teamsters union here and the actors are cheaper and they're all professionally trained um because we just have so many drama schools pumping them out yeah we also have all the studios here in london it just keeps building new studios. Yeah. Netflix has its own studios out here. Yeah.

I mean, that fucking Squid Game, that they made the real Squid Game. Well, they don't actually die, but they actually make a reality Squid Game. Yeah. For Netflix. That was all filmed just outside of London. Yeah.

It all happens in the UK, and that's why so many things that seem foreign win BAFTAs because you go why is that winning a BAFTA that show is set in America it's like yeah but they actually 90% of the filming was done just outside of London in a big warehouse and all the crew were British um Wonka my bit of Wonka was yeah London a lot of it was filmed in some of it was filmed in Bath um Yeah, man, it's all becoming very English. But the actors are cheaper and easier to please. I've been told that part of it is that American actors,

once they get to a certain level, they want to win a bagel, they have to go on strike when SAG goes on strike, whatever it is. It's a lot easier just to find a polite english person who won't make a fuss and a cheap salary in america it would blow their minds in the england so they just hire all of those actors and they get something that's as well acted it just needs to have different accents yeah it must it must be what it's like for hollywood imagine for your hollywood and out there in the atlantic is this island full of cheap excellent actors who don't demand anything okay well i'll just go there i'm gonna go to the fairy island and kidnap some of the elves that live there and they'll do it

the acting elves the drama elves i'm gonna go to that big theme park that is called england where there's a crazy king and all the elves do drama and i'll just round up a few of those uh mystical creatures yeah yeah it must be what it's like to be austrian and germany what do you mean well if the germans want someone who speaks fluent german they could just go to Austria. Like a smaller place that speaks the same language, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you watch the Golden Globes at all? I don't think anyone can do it.

I don't think anyone watches. No one watches these award shows unless something terrible happens. I mean, I heard that the comedian was terrible. But even then I didn't watch it. I only heard that through Twitter opinions. Yes, yes. It's a tough gig, those things. Especially when you're performing to superstars, celebs

who all have cameras trained on them and who are all keen not to react in the wrong way to the wrong kind of joke. Yeah, and if you do a joke about, let's say there's a movie with really shaky camera footage and you're like, oh, how fucking drunk was the guy who filmed that? Or what was the deal with it? Whatever the joke is.

And it cuts to the guy in the audience, the celebrity, you don't know. He might be friends with the director of photography or he might, you know, there might've been an issue on set or you don't know. So he can't like, it's not a,

it's, it's the least organic set of responses you could possibly have. Yeah, absolutely. But then it did inspire me to watch the 2014 Golden Globes opening monologue by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Yeah. So incredible. Just a gold standard for these things, for these monologues. Yeah, classic of the genre.

Exceptional. I mean, yeah. So that set had so many, like, classic jokes. Gravity. Gravity's nominated tonight. Gravity's a movie about how George Clooney will literally float off into space and die, then spend one more minute with a woman his own age.

Or like 12 Years a Slave 1, where Amy Poehler goes, it's an amazing movie, and you know what what I will never look at slavery the same way again anyway and Tina Fey's like wait what it's just so good oh man that's how it should be done that's how it should be done Philip

I haven't watched the comedy but everyone online says it's crap and I've heard it's crap and so what can i say i have to accept i watched a little like couple clips on tiktok last night my girlfriend's tiktok i want people to know i don't have tiktok um you already you already send all your personal data to china yeah they already know everything about it uh and yeah it's it's a tough watch it's a tough watch it just seems like a comedian the comedian is Joe Coy who's a Filipino American comedian who's very very big

and among his own fan base sells out arenas and stuff but I would suppose not a natural fit for a sort of lovey Hollywood crowd and you know a more well progressive leaning Hollywood crowd and yeah the jokes did not land too well they were not well prepared by he nor his writers i was it's a tough watch man

as a comic you know you're always a comic first yeah and and you watch that and go ah fuck this is a bad gig woof feel feel for the guy oh man imagine you imagine you're you're doing you're doing a gig and and it's and you're bombing and you look out and it's harrison ford and christopher nolan looking at you going like a dream like a bad dream we've all had bad corporates but i imagine the people in the corporates are lupita nyonga and uh brad pitt you know go fucking I'm not going to forget this one. Yeah, I can't brush this off as easily as I brushed off the

Risk Trading Awards. Or whatever one you've done. Yeah. Yeah, gross. Can I be bothered to watch any of the clips? Maybe I will. It just feels like it's going to be like eating a big lemon in my mind. If you get a sudden desire for a bit of schadenfreude,

then go for it. But yeah, it's a rough one. What do you think you're going to fucking hate about skiing? What will I hate about the early mornings? I have to get up every morning to get our lessons in before lunchtime. Yeah. I think being so... Otherwise, I'm quite looking forward to it.

I like the snow. I like the cold. I like feeling cozy afterwards I love that a lot I guess the people I like trying new things but I don't like

trying new things around experts and around people who are very proficient yeah I'm watching you know feeling like I'm getting in the way

of the people who are serious about this. That's what I'm not looking for. But that's, no, that'll be fine because that's why there's different slopes. That's true, that's true. You're going to be completely siphoned away to the fucking, you're going to be,

what might annoy you is getting absolutely fucking dusted by a bunch of 10-year-olds. Yeah. Yeah, that I'm also worried about all these continental children just going I had an experience like that in an ice rink in Berlin my first ever time on ice skates just kept falling over and every time I did

these little kids skates would whiz by my fingers like a millimetre away it's really scary they're just whizzing around you they're so good and they're like five years old it's such a it's such a being a good ice skater is so differently coded to use internet talk in in europe versus in north america i feel like being good at ice skating in europe is slightly fancier whereas in north america it's just like blue collar hockey thugs that's right yeah yeah yeah yeah it feels very very posh in in europe but

certainly in the uk do you ever get this thing where you see a kid who's really good at something like ice skating you get annoyed at your own parents for not taking you guys you're like what the fuck why didn't they take me ice skating i mean yeah I was in Malaysia but that's not an excuse that's not an excuse we had fridges didn't we we had freezers you could have just put ice skates on and stuck your feet into the freezer kind of wiggled around

yeah sometimes I'm looking forward to it I love snow I love cold and I love chalets and sort of coziness and pine trees yeah

I'm looking forward to it well you're you're a Malaysian prince so you prefer comfort above all else comfort is most important in life

yeah how would you consider wearing perhaps elaborate sort of sheepskin underpants or something just to sort of sheepskin underpants or something?

Just to sort of constantly be comfortable day to day? Well, in just regular life? Well, yeah, I'd like some fleece pants. Why don't you just start dressing like a kind of swirling Eastern Prince? Like just all loose fabrics. Oh, yeah. uh uh yeah eastern prints like just all loose fabrics and oh yeah that's that's and like a long longs of chinese style ponytail yeah yeah yeah down to my ass and and you could just be like flutters behind me as i hurl down the slopes that's so cool but i just mean in normal life

are you maximizing your daily comfort no i guess no i i do i now wear very comfy clothes i don't wear trousers with belt loops anymore yeah all my trousers are are tie things are um string tied or whatever yeah and i'm very jealous and you sent me the website where you buy them from and they just don't make them for giant men like me yeah it must be tough they get really close big hipped man just not quite if i want to wear draw string black cloth trousers of some kind then it's like tracksuit bottoms it's like the kind of stuff you wear when you have the flu you do always look like you're recovering from something yeah yeah yeah yeah but but yours yours aren't made out of the same cloth whereas your your drawstring trousers i would always expect them to have a belt

We're not cut from the same cloth No no But your trousers always I thought they were proper trousers Until I saw you would lift up your jacket And reveal that they were actually slouch pants The whole time Every time I flashed a crowd

You'd see and go Those aren't fancy pants at all Hang on a minute Because the fabric did look a bit trousery And they were quite straight lines down your legs They weren't rumpled or billowing It's all part of the illusion Pierre It's all part of the con

I would have bet my life you were wearing real trousers No sir All string tie Fucking soft loungy pants That's what they call fucking soft loungy pants. That's what they call me, soft loungy pants. You're on stage in what the Scots would call your comfies. But this is a post-lockdown thing, right? The comfies have become acceptable outside the home.

I think depending on where you live, I mean, in some parts of the UK, wearing a full tracksuit everywhere you go has been de rigueur for quite a while that's true that's true Manchester

Wolverhampton famously in Tom Stade's stand-up routine about Wolverhampton oh yeah anyway really anyway there's always

Manchester's added us isn't it Manchester's added us in London's Nike yes maybe that's right I'm not sure I've got to divide all my information on that if you haven't added us if you're getting an adidas uh tracksuit you're from manchester if

you're in a nike one you're from london do you think i think that's it i think that is the divide i'm gonna put it up yeah and north south like you know oasis always wear adidas in in the early noughties ph, it was Kappa all the way. Do you remember Kappa? Kappa? Yeah. No. I think they're the back-to-back ladies.

Oh, KAPPA? Yeah, KAPPA. Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. Yeah, that was the big thing in the noughties Oh Yeah I must have missed it Well you were ice skating in Malaysia I've only recently become interested in

Fashion Well this is comfort fashion Comfort fashion But when we were on the road Every service station we stopped at Had an all tracksuit clad family Well that's true Okay I'm not finding any official confirmation of this adidas

manchester london nike thing maybe it's unofficial i think when i see an all tracksuit clad family i want the tracksuits to not be gray um that's my yeah that's too depressing that's too depressing i gray i found for britain sneakers, your city defines your footwear selection. And Manchester does get Adidas. So there. I was right. And I'm right about everything else as well. But these families, I want a whole family in tracksuits to be like the Royal Tenenbaums.

Or like Daniel Muggleton, comedian friend of the podcast. You need a tennis headband at the same time. Yeah, no. i mean like red with white adidas stripes like distinctive like a look a planned idea whereas when i see a group of three people or four people or five people in the gray flannel tracksuits like i'm literally wearing now to me these are i'm not leaving the house i'm doing quite a lot of farting clothes yeah yeahothes They're the colour of farts actually Yeah I agree with that Whereas if they were all in black track suits Or red or blue

You'd be like wow you guys are training for some sort of family Olympiad Yeah you must be going on a crystal maze or something Yeah yeah You're going to do a sort of circus display You're called like the amazing Grundlesons or something speaking of clothes and uh families and children yeah this is very minor but there was a new story

about this a plane in america that a bunch of them been recalled because mid-flight one of the windows the doors just blew off yeah have you seen the picture yeah yeah just a hole in the in the plane just a big hole in the side of the plane a hole in the in the plane just a big hole in the side of the plane a hole in the plane and no one was hurt but a young boy's shirt was sucked off what yeah i think there's like a boy and you know the thing goes up and he's like and his shirt is fluttering and a boy and you know the thing goes up screaming and apparently I'm choosing to I'm choosing to believe that it happened immediately like that's such a fucking that's such a fucking Simpsons thing to happen yeah maybe my favourite story

Of the year That would happen to Millhouse Or Martin Prince And he'd go ooh and cover his little Bosoms We should maybe do some correspondence Get a couple of minutes

Ahead on it Yes yes let's Letters Emails Phone Letters Correspondence Who is this it's Tom

Tom Has got Doms from Working out so much because he's so buff Oh nice Tom Has got doms From working out so much Because you're so buff Dom's Yeah I've got some today Nice

I saw my PT earlier today I'm getting pumped Pumping up jacking up I'm so full of meat I'm making more meat Making some inside meat this is what i say when i when i applied for a new pt i'm like yeah they asked me my goals and i say i'd like to i'd like to increase my inside meat i'd like to make more inside meat

and i hate that that's really gross i want more meat inside me that's what you should have said i would have got some interesting responses Too much of my body isn't meat I want to make more me meat I want to make more me meat Inside meat is such a horrible That would be like the Anglo-Saxon way Of saying muscle

Tom says Dear pee pee poo poo men who live in my phone Anglo-Saxon way of saying muscle. Tom says, Dear pee-pee-poo-poo men who live in my phone. We do. Let us out. Yeah, don't let me out. I like all the apps. It is fun.

But scary. So he sends us a lovely paragraph of redacted praise where he also admits that he's too lazy to figure out how to sign up to the Patreon even though he wants to which is fair enough yeah this is where nudge theory comes into play how do we nudge Tom how do we nudge Tom go on Tom do it

nudge nudge nudge nudge stink stink so Tom says I write to you from Paris, clandestinely. Overtly. La resistance. He must mean covertly. Yeah, la resistance. Not with invisible ink or a cipher, no,

but it is hidden away from the prying eyes of others. In this case, my frog-eating colleagues and employer. I love an old school insult about another nationality it's funny frog eating

it's so like 80s I love it frog the bloody frogs indeed frogs nice I think I've had a frog leg or two before

it tastes like chicken yes I think tender chicken have I tried them I think I have tried one maybe I tried one maybe i tried one of your plate oh interesting maybe uh indeed i'm writing brazenly on the large monitor at the center of the glass meeting cubicle i booked in the offices where i work a cubicle yeah a large

monitor in okay in the center of a cubicle. Right. So it's like booked a meeting room. Yeah. Hmm. A cubicle like a glass glittering gilded cage. What? That rewards and enslaves me.

I don't understand. That must be a French term. He must have translated it literally from the French. Yeah, I'm sure it makes sense in French. Yeah. Gilded cage. But in English, it's gobbledygook. Yeah, I'm sure it makes sense in French. Yeah. Gilded cage, but in English, it's gobbledygook. No, because it's something that rewards and enslaves you. It doesn't make sense.

No, no. Surely you can only have one. Yeah, you can only have one. I feel giddy using work time, resources, and equipment to do this. In front of everyone, sometimes I make eye contact with a colleague passing passing the room and my heart jumps at the thrill of it all. It is tantalizing voyeuristic Will I be caught? No, the glass of the

cubicle hides the screen from others via some clever trickery I don't understand From outside the glass cubicle the monitor is blank. Cool What? Yeah, special glass. That filters out, like... It must filter out a particular... Wavelength.

Not frequency, but, like, wave pattern or wave from the computer screen. How clever. Yeah, how cool is that? Maybe it must be a polarizing kind of like a kind of polarizing kind of glass, which is, you know how the original, that's how 3D glasses work. Do you know this? So a 3D movie has two images on it, basically, right? And that's why when you don't have the glasses, it's these two images.

And basically, if your left eye sees one image and your right eye sees the other image, it creates an illusion of depth because that's what happens in the real world. The images between your right and left eye are slightly different. And that difference your computer computes to be the distance. And that gives you depth. In a 3D movie, two images are projected into the screen, but they are polarized. 3D movie that two images are projected into the screen but they are polarized

meaning so basically light comes at you in waves so I think the model is you can imagine light comes at you in two waves perpendicular to each other so imagine a T of waves coming

at your eyes and that is the waveform of the light. In the 3D movie, one image is just the vertical wave and the other image is just the horizontal wave. And you're wearing polarized goggles. The left lens only allows in the vertical wave. It's got these micro-nano slits, basically. Yeah, yeah. Only lets in the vertical wave. So your these micro nano slits basically yeah yeah only lets in the vertical

wave so your left eye only gets one image and then the right lens only lets in horizontal waves and so you get the right image and so your brain gets two different images and it thinks that they're at different distances and that's why it makes me feel sick. One of the worst headaches I ever had was after watching Toy Story 3 3D. Yeah. One of the worst headaches ever. Horrible. Great movie.

I went to watch something, maybe even Avatar in 3D, and I think there was a point where I just took them off because I was like, I'd rather watch it as a kind of fucked up blur. Yeah, they've not quite fixed that. Also, my first time wearing

VR goggles. The worst headache ever. Ugh. I don't like it. It's almost like it's not natural. It's not right. It's not. It's God. God does not wish us to do this. From outside the glass cubicle, the monitor is blank, protecting what should be client

sensitive information. But maybe someone will see if they walk in and see the word shit and poop written in large letters across multiple screens in the room. Is this the Johnson file? Shit and poop? Wait a minute, the shit and poop account is only coming in next week. God, I normally feel like a twat in here But today I feel alive This is my first piece of correspondence to you

Alas I do not have great fecal fables to share With you and the other children of dirty little boys and girls I am in fact Of a similar stock and breed as Pierre South African I think he means Although I am diminutive the runt similar stock and breed as Pierre, South African I think he means. Although I am diminutive, the runt of this Biltong-eating brethren. But what we share is a fortified belly that holds strong against the onslaught of shelled fishes,

expired dairy, and too long refrigerated leftovers. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Like an iron belly, like me. Yeah, but the thing is, then he says, despite this I have shat myself many a time. Oh. That can't be true, then. This doesn't add up.

This doesn't add up. Get back into your French cubicle and add this up again. Something's fishy, and I don't just mean all the mollusks Tom's been eating. Hmm. That being said, my bowels do not produce solid stools. Oh. That doesn't sound good. No, it doesn't.

I wonder if Tom is in denial about the robustness of his... I think he just means he's never thrown up. Right, right, right. Because it's sounding pretty bad gutsy to me here, Tom. Because it's sounding pretty bad gutsy to me here, Tom. Let's just say the International Fraternity of Iron Bellies would be not too pleased with these results. No, there would be an internal review of your internal repoo. For sure.

Yeah. He says his plops are more aptly named sloshes. Oh. Yeah. See a doctor. Try and sound it. See a doctor. He refers the process of pooing as softly piping. That's how he describes it, Phil.

Awful bake-off terminology. Horrible. Bake-off terminology. Horrible. You perhaps object that I do not have an iron belly hearing this but I maintain it in defiance to you and your listenership. It is how I poop simple and true. What I can say is I'm fascinated

by those of you. So Tom's saying that that's just how he poops is all very wet and bad. Yeah, apparently so. It's just a big wet bag of fucking icing. But he claims that... I guess it's consistent. Yeah, yeah. Maybe his body's just not good at absorbing moisture.

Is he always thirsty? Yeah. Does he always need water? I guess he's correct in the sense there's no variation in his not not good stuff he's fascinated he says by people that do these uh the the the always floating poos right yeah yeah they're not always floaters it's very annoying when they are but but they're not always. Well, he says, he claims his girlfriend is always creating things that

float, and is also a scruncher and a standing wiper. Okay. With the girlfriend or Tom? The girlfriend. Okay. Has she allowed this information to be shared? Apparently so. I mean, she first

allowed it to be shared with her own boyfriend, which already surprising to me a scruncher is phil yeah it's how you how you use toilet paper do you scrunch it or do you fold it yeah yeah exactly so she's a she's a standing scruncher floater standing scruncher floater yeah i mean why not whatever floats your boat or poop in this situation. I once had to send her a picture of her own creation, which had failed to flush in my parents' downstairs loo when we were visiting. Oh, come on. Romance is dead.

Yeah, what the hell? I wouldn't dare ever even consider. She was not used to the weak water pressure, which my whole family knows renders a single flush useless against even the daintiest of dumps. She accidentally left it there, menacing to the next person. Is this why his family has adapted to never have a solid shit? Because their toilets can't handle it?

They're called... Maybe... Yeah. Is this natural selection in motion? Yeah, they've sort of gone, well, we never need a big flush because we're just a bunch of absolute wet bags. Wet South African bags.

The whole family is just fucking piping icing into the bowl. Ugh, stop it. Luckily, the next person was me and we are both victims of sometimes scrolling upon that photo in our respective galleries until I have inspiration for a magnum poopus because he says he's sad that he doesn't have a dramatic shitting story I mean we've already spoken about

it a lot so it feels like he has yeah he's definitely someone with no poo have a dramatic shitting story. I mean, we've already spoken about it a lot, so it feels like he has. Yeah, he's definitely into the topic. For someone with no poo stories, we haven't been talking about poo for a very long time. Yeah. Yeah? I can recount the time I mistook my own arm for a rat. Now we're talking. Now we're cooking. Like the belly sleeping Tom,

a recent correspondent of yours who inadvertently began to strangle himself with his sleeping but convulsing hand. Very funny. Very funny. I too slept, adopting the more sensible side sleeping position, and trapped a nerve in my arm. I woke with my arm heavily draped across my face. Oof. Oh, such a weird feeling.

Yeah. I was visiting my parents at the time who live in a remote isolated part of the South African countryside sugar cane rats

are not uncommon intruders in your bedroom oh interesting so cane rats are big you must have had them in Malaysia

no no no do we grow much sugar cane maybe you don't grow it yeah I think so but I never saw yeah we saw big rats, but in the city.

Nothing huge. How big are we talking? Pretty big. Pierre's making... It's about the size of a... big watermelon. Yeah. So it's a specific breed.

How big is that? They look quite cute compared to... No, they're really big. They're like a cat. Look, there's a picture. Yo! They're like possums. Yeah, it's like a...

It feels unfair to call it a rat. They're in their own family apparently So not even part of the They're not even part of the rat family I think they're An extended relative But They're their own kind of guy

They're pretty weird looking Yeah anyway so Google it unless you fear rats In which case, don't Cane rats are not uncommon intruders In your bedroom, although they rarely snuggle up Close to your face In the pitch dark and in a panic

I threw what I thought to be a sleeping rodent from my face Only to have the hand that it was Pull tight on my arm and spring back to hit me In the face The revenge of the rat and spring back to hit me in the face. Ah! Boo! Ah! The revenge of the rat. Wow, that rat's got big hands.

That's what he could have thought. He threw the rat of its face and it slapped him with a big human hand. Don't throw me! Don't be rude! Hey! Don't be rude. Um. I had screamed loudly in the dark

and panted for a few minutes until embarrassed I realized what had happened fortunately none of my family came to check well that's good you get to know if you were screaming and being attacked by something and your family would not wake up especially in a South African bedroom yeah

that's concerning to me comforting to have avoided embarrassment Although disconcerting that no one thought to check on me There you go Hopefully inspiration will strike me soon And I will shit myself in a way I can be proud of Forever yours and forever jacking it Tom Well it sounds like it's not far off

If your bowels are how you describe It's only a matter of time young Tom only a matter of time have you ever woken up and thought there was a creature in your bedroom yeah I've had the hag before you know that sleep paralysis hallucination

oh yeah of the sort of group of four friends that is me you George Fouracres and Jason Forbes, all three of you have had fucking demons visit you at night. And I'm the only one without apparitions. You've never had it?

No. Interesting. I've had dreams. Oh, I've had dreams, Philip. I've had nightmares. This is a halfway house between dreaming and waking. Yeah. Yeah, I've had a common one which I've had a few times

is the feeling of someone being sat on your bed while you're there. It feels like the bed is sort of being pressed down by someone sitting on the edge. Yeah. It's very vivid. Or like a fold in the duvet being a witch and she's peering over me going... Yeah, I've had it a few times.

It's usually if I haven't slept well, if I'm very tired or jet lagged or something, or it's something weird. Yeah. Then it happens. But it's a long documented phenomenon. There are many different names for it in different cultures.

Oh, there's lots of paintings of goblins sitting on people's chests and all kinds of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah, that's it yeah i know no apparitions for me i've i've i've thought that like piles of clothes on the back of a chair was a fucking person and all the usual stuff but that was when i was kind of waking up as opposed to yeah yeah well i mean we just get trapped in that in that state yes yeah and I guess you don't. But yeah, I'm surrounded by people who are fucking possessed. I should figure out why.

It must be that amulet I wear. You are the exorcist. You have to turn up. Next time we all hang out together, you have to turn up in a long coat and a wide-brimmed hat. Yes, and I should do a really big angry speech before going, ha! And slapping your foreheads. And you guys all fall backwards on the floor,iggling like an omega church have you ever witnessed a uh

a uh what is it called when they take the ghost out of you an exorcism yeah ever seen an exorcism live uh no i've seen sort of faith healing be attempted. I've seen that live. But it wasn't like, it was quite tame. It wasn't proper like African megachurch style. Yeah. Full crazy or like snake handlers, like those crazy Southern USA guys. How about you?

No, I think I've seen videos of crazy ones happening. I think, yeah, mainly in African megachurches. Yeah, yeah. The videos are amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like in America, these, you know,

they put a hand on them and they heal this person's brother by making the ghost leave them. It doesn't really make any sense. No. But the people are so into it that they just start convulsing and speaking in tongues. The human mind is a powerful, strange thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Darren Brown could be making even more money. Well, that's all the time we have for this episode Yes hopefully You're enjoying your skiing Yes Hope I make it back I should plug

It's ages away but I've got a Soho Theatre run Coming up this year It's on my Is it on my Instagram? It's on my website and then I've got a tour in autumn And I'll be at the French Those are my only plugs Oh, excellent

I'm at the Hammersmith Apollo On the 23rd of February And if you're in Northampton Then I'm in Northampton On the 20th of February Let's come to those Yeah And now it's time to go to the

Mega church of the bonus pod Yes See you there Bye Bye