BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 25 - CaledoniPod!

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

CaledoniPod! Its Episode 25, our latex anniversary! We have new tech and microphones to celebrate! Spiky pee prophecy. Tom Jones and Elvis are in our heads. Drawing your own porn. Health complaints and lots of fringe complains – wow we are tired! Phil’s moderately racial gin trolley. Pierre is haunted by WOOers. Barbarian Lads and audiences weeing. Phil’s worst evening ever: he had an OOer, a reviewer and a pee pee pants. No correspondence this week as we are saving it up for guests! But do get in touch! @TheBudPod on Twitter or [e-mail] Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 25. Episode 25, PodBuds. A quarter of a century. A quarter of a century. What else is a quarter? An American quarter? What is that in the jubilees? Like wedding anniversaries?

Which jubilee? Is it like bronze? Quarter century bronze. Maybe it's latex. Maybe it's the latex anniversary. God, we're not even into metals yet. How long do you have to live to earn some metal around here? I'm still on polymer years.

Well, thank you for joining us again. You might notice a slight increase in the quality of our horrible voices. Oh, it's a lovely, smooth, sexy sound now. Yes, we've invested in some microphones. We've invested in some microphones. They've got fuzzy hats. And hopefully, as professional comedians, whose job is to speak into little microphones

that often have fuzzy hats, although not really. They rarely have the hats. They rarely have the hats. Would you be reassured? Well, okay, finish my thought. Hopefully it'll be great. If you walked into a gig, a stand-up gig, and you saw they had fuzzy hat microphones,

would you be happy or sad? Would you be afraid or reassured? Well, I'd think, oh, it's a a radio gig because all the radio shows, radio recordings always have the hatted mics. Yeah. To protect them from the peas. To protect the recordings from the peas. It'll be interesting to see if they have protected us from the peas that you just did there.

To protect the performance from the peas. They look spiky. You might have peed through this hat. Spiky pee? My pee is spiky. My pee is spiky and I might have peed through this hat. Spiky pee? My pee is spiky. My pee is spiky and I can't be on the radio because I have such spiky pee. You ever had spiky pee before? Yeah, it's horrible.

Yeah. Have you ever had the thing where you do normal pee and then spiky pee hits you inside your winky tube? Yeah. Minutes later. Spicy spiky pee. tube yeah minutes later spicy spiky p it's um it's um usually if afterwards after i do um how shall we call it um a downstairs adult explosion a dae yeah

after downstairs adult explosion um sometimes that can leave the infrastructure a little raw and the next p can be quite spiky really yeah that's not fine that's an interesting correlation i'm not sure i i sometimes wonder if i i think i have a spiky p because i cut off the flow too soon i was in a rush oh yuck yeah i just went time to go and i didn't i didn't i didn't really really get it all which is if you're a man is a more of a problem how busy are you that you're stopping yourself Time to go. And I didn't really get it all. Which, if you're a man, is more of a problem. How busy are you that you're stopping yourself mid-flow? How long are your P's?

I have quite long P's, I think. Right. Right. I mean, I don't have the data. You could collect it. The P? The P, yeah. How long is your longest wee?

I did a wee so long once I did start counting. And it was well over a minute. Really? Of solid whiz-whas. I don't think I've ever broken 30 seconds. Maybe you just go more than I do. Maybe you're dehydrated. All the time.

Because I eat so much Asian food. Salt. I ingest a lot of salt. And it just... Yeah just water just flows through me, man. I will say living at the fringe out of convenience eating takeaway food out of convenience lots of stuff with cheese in

or Asian food or any of these things like van food, you know. Food trucks if you're American, they're in trucks. And all of that food is so sort of salty and things like I have to work so hard

to get my to get my PC through to get PC through yeah sorry I heard your PC through like you had to bring

your computer through to get my personal computer through my dick hole sounds difficult it's a technological kidney stone yeah I mean yeah you think kidney stones are bad we're trying to pass through my dick hole. Sounds difficult. It's a technological kidney stone. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you think kidney stones are bad.

We're trying to pass an HP tower. A 1990s Macintosh, for God's sake. No one calls them Macintoshes anymore. Well, they wouldn't be a PC. No. No. But remember those big Macs at school with the colourful housing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the computer was the screen. Yeah. Yeah, mind-blowing. Amazing. It was like something from a sort of... Not a high-budget sci-fi film, but a pretty good one. Yeah, it's like a part of a futuristic movie that they got wrong about the future. Yeah. Except this one was real. They'd call it like

the info terminal. It was very 60s. It was very 2001 Space Odyssey. Yeah. Dial into your info terminal and acquire the omni signal. That's the sort of chat they'd be laying down on the old sci-fi film.

Speaking of sci-fi, this is, I mean, we did this a while ago, but you and I went to the Stanley Kubrick exhibit. The Stanley Kubrick exhibit in London, the London Design Museum, is exquisite, Podbuns. You've got to check it out. If it's still going. I think it's going until September. So we'll see.

In which case, check it out. We didn't even read everything and it still took two hours. Yeah. It is as in-depth as the lunatic himself would have wanted. It is quite extensive. They have his editing desk. You remember that? Yeah, beautiful old kit. I'm starting to say kit a lot.

Ever since we started buying more kit for our podcast, Pierre, I've started saying kit a lot. Kit and gear. Kit and gear. I've started using kit a lot. Kit and gear. Kit and gear. I've started using the knowledge I've acquired from buying this kit to talk to people about kit more. Pierre's actually talking about a cat he's currently holding.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's bought that kit as well. I'm speaking into its anus. And the quality's amazing. The natural bum hair of a cat will provide a pee shield like you've never seen. Ironically.

You can pee on that cat as much as you want. It's not getting in its bum hole. But during this fringe, I've recorded a few things and every time I've done, I've sat down to record it and the guy's been like, okay, nice to see you, nice to meet you, let's do this recording. And I've pointed at the kit.

Yeah. Oh, is that an XLR? And they go, their eyes light up, Phil. They think, oh, he's one of us. Are all my cables XLR? I don't know. But knowing it is enough for them to go, yes, it is. Or they say, like, I said it today before we started recording this.

And the guy went, yep. Like, yep, you know it today before we started recording this. And the guy went, yep. Like, yep, you know it. You know it, yeah. Like a secret handshake. Yeah, I was like, boy, do I know it. I feel like those techie guys, you can just throw letters and numbers at them, and you'll probably strike gold. Oh, is that an SLZ23?

Yes. Yes. No, but I wish. Yeah, I was about to say. How do you know about the SL No, but I wish. Yeah, I was about to say. How do you know about the SLZ 23? I wish. In this economy? Yeah.

How do you know about that? That's mailing list only knowledge. You have to be on the Fujitsu mailing list somehow after the conference we all went to. So please, everyone, write in and compliment us on the new quality of our sound. Yes, please. Make it all worth it, please. Long, long poems about how wonderful our voices are now. We've listened to some test records, Philip, and it sounds intimate.

Sounds intimate. It sounds clear. It sounds intimate. It's not unusual To be loved by anyone I'm walking around this festival Listening to a lot of Tom Jones Yeah, you're saying

I don't know how I got there But I bought a best of Tom Jones On iTunes And by God, I'm getting my money's worth Your default listening to music dance Is very Tom Jones though. The side head bob and the occasional snap of the fingers. Yeah, no matter what the song is,

in my head it's just going bob, bob, bob, bob. Yeah, you're like an animal in an old acid cartoon. I don't know what I'm referring to here. Like a hallucinatory sort of cartoon. Oh, where they're sort of slightly blobby and move in that weird way. Yeah, and they have long legs and that's how you dance.

Oh, yeah, and it's sort of, the animation isn't quite smooth. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much so. And I'm rediscovering other, you know, Tom Jones gems, like Help Yourself. Help yourself to my lips.

That's a good one, that. It's fun to do. Help yourself to my lips, to my tits and to my dicks and just other body parts. That's a lot of fun. I've been listening to a lot of Elvis because I saw Tim Vine.

Tim Vine did a one-off special Edinburgh show where he impersonated Elvis. Tim Vine is a one-off special Edinburgh show where he impersonated Elvis. Tim Vine is a man of so many hidden talents. He's sick. Yeah, he's an amazing dance player, loves a bit of karaoke, and is devoted to the legacy of Elvis Presley. And this show was sensational, so much so that I've been listening to Elvis nonstop since,

bringing me to a tear. Yeah? Yeah, really moving me, getting me hyped up for the show. What's your pre-show Elvis track of choice? I'm currently listening a lot to an American trilogy, which is a medley of three American folk songs put together

and it's so moving and powerful. Although, unfortunately, I recently found out that the first song is an old minstrel song very much favoured by the South. Oh no. He was from Dixieland.

So it's all about loving... Wait. Dixieland where I was born. No, it starts about... Take me to the land of cotton. Where hopes are gone and not forgotten. Look away, look away.

Dixieland, Dixieland. It's a beautiful song, but he is talking about slaves. And so I love it so much, that song, but I guess it's problematic Well I don't know The next song is a union song It's the union side song He's balanced it out

I guess so And then the third song is Martians Not even from Earth To balance it out Yeah so completely neutral The third song is Swiss yodeling Totally neutral Which you're a big fan of You like a little yodel To balance it out. Yeah, so completely neutral. Yeah. The third song is Swiss yodeling. Totally neutral.

Which you're a big fan of. You like a little yodel. I love a yodel purely. We mentioned this on the last one? I think so, because then I showed you the Japanese man who does a chicken yodel. Yes, the chicken. Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok, bok. Yeah, it's so hard to yodel. Yeah, as I said on the other one, i watch yodeling almost exclusively to make me laugh

and it really does it's so funny i find it so impressive that i don't find it funny you find it like you're impressed that you're not breaking in the face of this insane art form no i just i i know how hard it is because i used to sing a lot so i know how hard it is to switch between your falsetto and your chest voice. Oh, I see. Effectively like that. You're too aware of all the work that's gone in. I suppose so.

And the practice and the technique. You're like... Because I'm actually a bit of a musician, guys. Every comedian has got a secret other thing that they might do to a relatively high level. Yours is singing and music and stuff like that. It's basically singing. My music skill is not good.

My theory is not good. No, well, mine is non-existent. Mine's drawing is my secret. That's right. My secret, Nunu, is some doodling. Nunu doodling. I can't draw to save my life.

I remember when I was a teenage boy, I wished so bad I could draw So I could draw naked ladies So you could do your own naked ladies I would never leave the house It would be amazing if you became This incredible Freud level Portrait artist

And people would be like How did you get started That's not important What's important is that you buy these now What's important is how horny I am here in this gallery of all my work. Such as lady bending over and showing boobs. Ten million pounds.

I'll buy it myself. But Phil, you already own it. You drew it. I don't care. The important thing is to get the price inflated. I often wonder how much the only thing I've inflated here. Is he talking about his dick?

Is he talking about some boobs? You'll never know because it's Phil Freud, the kinky artist. I often wonder in the world of art how much an artist would just say to some guy, hey, here's two grand of my money. Come and pay two grand for my

painting because the price is one of the most arbitrary things so if you can establish a track record of value then if someone who happens to like your work i see i see i see like how much are they gaming this thing i'd game it if i could with my scribbles yeah i mean anyone who works in the art world and wants to get blacklisted for telling secrets do get in touch. But I think

if it ever came out that you'd been inflating the price of your work like this, I think that would ruin you. What if it came out that you'd been inflating the price of your work and you said,

you said, ah, but that is performance art. It's a satire on how corrupt we all are. I see. It was actually art all along as well. And then maybe you'd be the cleverest boy in town. But then maybe I think the value of your painted works would plummet,

but you'd be in high demand for performance pieces, which completely defeats purpose because that's what you do already. Then you just have to go straight onto the after dinner circuit. Ah, yes. Like those guys who go to jail for like a week for $20 trillion of fraud.

Yeah, so you're like the Wolf of Wall Street of sketching naked ladies. Here's the thing you got to know about drawing boobs, guys. And there's a whole massive conference full of people who work for Deutsche Bank. This is so interesting. Hello, no one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello. It's Marjorie here. I'm just at the Edinburgh Fringo. Fringa. Fringa. Fringy, fringy, fring. And I'm just walking around looking for something to watch. And I thought I'd call the ticket office and I'll see if you had any of the following shows. I don't know if they exist or not, but they're what I have imagined I would like to see. So, do you have any, um, a show about an iranian poet who um started wearing big boots and the boots

made him a pariah and he had to leave and i um he moved to a northern english town and initially they were suspicious of him because of poems but and iran but the boots the locals have big boots and they get together and its boots, and they have a lovely time, and it's called Boot Camp. Does that exist? Does that exist? What about a show where it's improvised comedy,

but everyone has to be Henry VIII, and there's eight Henry VIII's, and they all have to be the improvising comedy, but as Henry VIII would improvise it, and it's very strict, and the costumes are very big, very heavy, very warm,

very expensive, and it's hot, hot, hot in the room, and sweaty, and everyone has to speak as if he spoke, and if they don't, they are shot, shot with a rubber bullet. If that exists exists call me back I'd like to see that

and finally just Macbeth I'd just like to see Macbeth in Scotland alright Phil let's talk about fringe stress for example how stressed we were when we realised we didn't have time to make the full episode.

Apologies, listeners. Yes, this is now the next day from what you just heard. Pierre's about to sneeze. Is he? Wow. Oh, horrible. Oh, no. Here we go.

Ah, beautiful. Horrible. Really testing out a new kit here. Yes. Does it pick up sneezes? We're the hosts of sneeze cast the podcast about blowing stuff out your nose when you don't always want to the ticklish podcast that everyone

knows is nostrally good just doesn't make sense by the end growing up watching cartoons I thought I would be confronted with feather-wielding jokesters making me sneeze.

And pepper. A lot of pepper. I don't think pepper's made me sneeze once in my entire life. I thought, because I'd seen it in cartoons once, that it would be funny if I blew some pepper into the face of a friend of mine when I was 10. And I got in a lot of trouble. Did he get it in his eye?

Ooh, that really hurt, actually. It went in my eye. It genuinely was like a chemical attack. It was... The guy was like, ah! It was pepper spray. You did pepper spray on him. I maced him.

I maced him. And we're in the room here with Jeff. Jeff the dog. Jeff the dog, who is a fun flatmate. He's small. He's white. He burps and farts. Can dogs burp?

It sounds like a lot of my audiences, actually. Well, listeners, me and Phil were just discussing the stress levels at the Fringe are high. The Fringe is not... It's the least like a holiday it's awful to put it in context i was very fortunate enough this year to have somehow sold all my tickets before i even got here phil was so sold out that they had to like give him extra rooms to do shows in and so i thought ah great finally i get to coast this one. Nope. I want to stop now. I want to walk in the fucking sea.

I've had enough. We saw a French show last night, and we saw a couple of audience members in there who, they sort of take joy in not understanding things, some people, when they come to the Fringe. And as you very cleverly pointed out, this was a show that was in the basement of a coffee house late at night. And these old people still managed to go there and deliberately not try to understand.

What kind of person is open-minded enough to take a chance like that, but not open-minded enough to give the performer the benefit of the doubt and try and look for meaning in what they are saying? So odd. And you can, they visibly, you can see them visibly reacting as if to say, I didn't get that. Another failure on their part. And. Well, maybe we are, maybe they're actually very humble. Maybe they were going, I didn't get that. I should go back to school. I should think harder with my brain.

But instead, they're just sort of... If something doesn't make sense, their instinct isn't to stop and think, have I missed something? Their instinct is to go, that's dumb. This guy's weird. What a weird guy. What are we even doing? Where are we?

What is this? The fringe, huh? What a bunch of stupid, weird clowns. Pathetic. Yes, it is. Grow up. Pay attention. Listen. Think. Yeah, this is it. This is the thing. And so eventually, you become slowly, you become mad. Yeah, I've lost my mind.

You become a madman. I mean, I was already worried before we came up that I was losing my mind. Yes. Now it's confirmed to me. This podcast will form a chart of your decline although silver lining today we have received delivery in the flat of i'm not making this up a gin trolley an actual like metal and glass trolley covered in luscious luxury sort of kind of um i'm gonna say murder on the Orient Express yes yes yes the vibe is

very murder on the Orient Express meets the Great Gatsby yes there's a lot of art deco art deco mirrors gold gold rims on the glasses and the looming possibility of a financial crash yes yes, yes, yes, yes. Hidden in all these art deco geometric shapes is Hitler. It's like a magic eye picture. If you look at the gin trolley enough,

a little moustache appears. And you start hearing marching boots. But thank you very much to Edinburgh Gin, who are an Edinburgh-based gin company. I don't know if that's a surprise to you from hearing their boots. Thank you very much to Edinburgh Gin, who are an Edinburgh based gin company. I don't know if that's a surprise to you from hearing their name. But they have kitted us out with a full trolley full of, and I don't

say this lightly, too much gin! My word. There's no way we're going to get through this. So, Podbuds, come over. Yeah. I don't know if this is an entirely secure thing for us to do, but come over to our flat. Burgle our flat and get absolutely battered on elaborately flavoured gin. There's one with my name on it, literally.

They put Phil's name on it. They made a bottle of gin with my name on it, P.W., and then Phil Wang. And it was pointed out to me on Instagram after I posted it that the flavor they've bestowed me is lemon and jasmine which is a bit racially charged. They've made an Asian-y gin for you. Yeah. And the bottle is also yellow. I'm not making that up.

But aside from that, thank you Enbridge Gin. I thought it was delicious. Thank you for this delicious Reeds label different eyes gin It seems to say here Yellow peril gin What would be

Just a big communist flag on it or something What would be the most racist Or like it was all gin And then the bottle with your name on was rice wine Right right right right That would be the most offensive Surely Tianjin Square

That's good The Cultural Revolution The Cultural Revolution maybe Cultural Revolution is good Yeah Who's Jin? Tao? Jino

Jino Jino Jino Jino Jino Jino Jin Jino Sin Tao? Geno, cyno, gyno, oh, God. Cyno, gino, cyno,

cyno-gin. Gyno-sin? See, this is what the fringe does to your brain. It makes your brain compulsively make associations in a comedic manner until, well, here's an interesting thing, Phil.

You know the way a comedian's brain works where you make sideways relations, side, oh, I mean sideways associations. Yeah. With things. So you, comedically, let's say, way a comedian's brain works where you make sideways relations side is that all uh i mean sideways associations yeah with things so you comedically let's say you look at a fork sure you say a fork that looks like a trident a trident's what poseidon has poseidon is a greek god is there a greek god who has a spoon and have a joke about that that's a good bit so you go ping

ping ping ping ping sideways yeah but that sideways. Or soup. Or soup. Or popping out an eyeball from a head. Or heroin. See, there we go. Sideways relations. So heroin there, that would be the rule of three. That would be the third probably. That's right.

You pick heroin. But that's also how ADHD and some types of schizophrenia work. Oh, is it? Yes, it's mental illness. You're supposed to think about things in a linear way and we've trained our brains to go ba-ba-ba, sideways through categories. That follows onto that, onto that, onto that,

onto the government spying on me and then you can wear the tin hat. Yeah, that's how it all starts, right? Yes, yes, yes. Well, this is it. This is exactly it. So there's no surprise that being placed in an environment where you have to continually think like that uh has a poopy effect on the old mind cannon

that's what i call my brain now wouldn't the mind cannot be your mouth it's what you shoot your thoughts out of oh okay so then my brain is my mind arsenal. What? Well, your brain would be your mouth arsenal. Because it's where you go to retrieve ammunition for your speech. My mouth arsenal and my mind cannon. Yes. Ooh, that's a switcheroo.

That's the interdependence of the mouth and the brain. Interdependence. Like us with our audiences. It's been very rainy too, listeners. The weather has been very poopy. Yeah, we've been given some relief today, it seems. Yes, and today's a relief because it's only sort of... It's cold, but it's just cold enough that you'll wear a jacket and get really sweaty.

Because it's too hot to be cold the weather is such that this recording is sounding like the the final discovered recordings of a maroon ship day 29 there's fog again but it's hot fog there seems to be the compass is spinning again we can't the acapella groups outside have yet to wane in their energies. I don't know how much longer I can take this 16-part harmony. There is no wind. We are becalmed. That's one of the, I find that one of the most haunting words.

Becalmed. Becalmed. Just the idea of being on a ship in the ocean and like, sails are great. And then just, there's no wind. Because it sounds like it should be good to be becalmed. Yeah. are great and then just there's no wind because it sounds like it should be good to be becalmed yeah and it's that kind of thing of like if the only noise was just the sea and some creaking wood as your boat just goes oh that's my my last night show i sounded like that actually my my parents

went to see phil last night yeah and they saw the worst show of the run. Yeah. Well, they thought it was a perfectly good show. They acknowledged that the oohing lady was weird. Oh, yes. I had an ooher at the beginning. Everything I said, she went, ooh. And I went, what are you even oohing at there?

And she gave me nothing. So I just kept going, assuming that interruption quashed. And then again, I said something completely neutral. And she stop going and then everyone got a bit uncomfortable after that because they were scared that i was gonna scold them it's strange because people the reactions people think you want i've i and this has happened genuinely i can tell you it's happened in the last two years maybe three but definitely two that if i mentioned growing up on the isle of man or if i mentioned johannesburg uh a lady in the audience somewhere will go and it used to be that people would go because they actually had a connection with it and i would be able to say are you from south africa

are you from the isle of man but now But now I've had to like stop mentioning that to see if anyone's in the room because a lady will woo and I'll say are you from the Isle of Man? And they'll go no. They just woo like Americans. It's something to do with American media. Yeah, what has happened?

Like just as the American stand-ups are starting to scold their audiences for wooing. Yeah. Which I'm very in favor of. Or maybe they've started to seek refuge here. The wooing. Yeah. Which I'm very in favor of. Or maybe they've started to seek refuge here. The wooers. Like asylum seekers to the UK

because they are now a targeted people in America. They're ref-woo-gees. Wonderful to see that the fringe hasn't rotted Pierre's mind completely just yet. But it's exactly the sort of joke that will continue to annoy people who think all jokes should be lovely and never about bad things, which has been the theme of my month.

But yeah, the refugees, if you watch Tom Segura's stand-up specials, even Dave Chappelle and stuff. I remember seeing one of them and it was like, oh yeah, I was in Dallas. And it was like, and actually the guy stopped and was like, really, you're going to just woo the name Dallas? Is that what we're doing now?

And I thought, yes, they're learning. The Americans are learning. But we're picking up what they're dropping off. Yeah. These wooers are spreading. Yeah.

Trying to open up woo shops in high streets up and down our glorious ruler's country i think they think it's what we want though and that's the problem with like when you get um i had like this group of lads in my show who all gradually left to as far as they were saying p oh one by one yeah one by one over the hour so for maximum disruption so they trickled away that's all you're trying to say they literally dribbled like in fact i said that i i said if you're gonna all just go and pee just all go now

and don't have this like old man with an enlarged prostate piss dribble thing that you're all doing now and they went no no we're fine and then within five minutes another one had gone to go piss allegedly but the point is that uh they'd all come in this group of lads and there were more of their group sat at the back but there were only seats left for the front and apparently like i could hear through the door like that's them weeing yeah that's the noise their penises make like before i came on stage i could hear all the lad noises and that's a very bad sign listeners because lads don't actually want to sit and listen to comedy it's the equivalent of wait like waiting to go into battle and hearing the barbarians

chanting over the hill and you hold hold and then they crushed over yeah and then like the most cowardly character that you've been introduced to starts like peeing in their pants yeah which is what I wish they did yeah or yeah

you start hearing like like terrifying ululating from warriors on horses exactly and so I was listening through the door ululating is such a great word

for what it is ululating yeah it's probably onomatopoeic right but then like apparently what was happening was that all the lads were at the back we're going like all right all right dan watch out they're gonna talk you're you're in trouble you're on the front row i was like have you seen a fringe comedy show statistically this is about the death of a relative or feminism. Yeah.

What do you think? It's extraordinary. You know what? I genuinely blame all the YouTube videos where it's like, Jimmy Carr destroys Heckler. This is that. And I can't stand it because it's wrecked the game. I don't want to talk to you about your life. I'm not interested.

I've worked on a show. More importantly, no one else in the audience is either. No one else in the audience is interested. And I've worked on a show More importantly No one else in the audience Is either No one else in the audience Is interested And I've worked on a show For a year A year And I'm gonna derail it

To find out that you work In fucking Morrisons Another thing is Going to the toilet Like Like just so late I was watching Sarah Kendall's show

Which is wonderful This long Really interesting Funny story She tells And five minutes Before the end A guy gets up Sarah Kendall's show which is wonderful this long really interesting funny story she tells and five minutes before the end a guy gets up

and goes down goes out and you have to walk past her on the stage to get out and I'm just thinking you better have had to leave for good

if you come back and that was for the toilet I swear I'm gonna scream at you in my head for the next three days. And yeah, he came back five minutes before the end.

Just don't pee for five minutes. How hard? People are incapable of just undergoing a little discomfort. They're giant babies. And they're incapable. I was in a show earlier today, Milo Edwards' show, very good for anyone who is in the fringe and can go see it. I was in the show and two people's phones went off.

And you think, first of all, who has their phone on loud anyway? At any time. Ever? I think maybe a year ago, I just started having my phone on do not disturb all the time. And it's changed my life. It's great. It's incredible. But these people, not only do they have like, my phone on Do Not Disturb all the time and it's changed my life. It's great. It's incredible.

But these people not only do they have like like these stupid little trumpets. Or huge swing fans. Yeah, genuinely one of them was all trumpeted.

Not even a generic one. And then they're so They went out of their way to choose something especially disruptive. Yeah, especially a poppy and annoying.

And they can't even I've seen audience members whose phone is phones have rung in my shows and they take they they just sit and pretend it's not happening yeah so they're happy for the ring to to die out the most psychopathic thing when when you spot in someone's eye yep that's my phone and they'll'll say, well, let's stop. Because not only are they insane enough to wait for it to stop, but they're willing to let it ring again later on. Yeah, well, this is it. Because people don't just give up, do they,

if you don't pick up? I've seen someone do that, and I've said to them, turn your phone off or whatever. That's your phone, isn't it? And they go, oh, yeah, sorry. And they get it out, and they decline the call. And don't put it on silent.

And put it back in their pants. Put it on silent, you psycho. If it's important, don't go into a show. And I also can't stand people who sometimes they just lie and sometimes they're telling the truth and they go, oh, actually my relative's in the hospital or I'm waiting for this really important call. You can't watch comedy then.

Well, you know, my wife's having a baby so I thought I'd go into a four hour Lord of the Rings marathon. I thought I'd do that because I'm insane. Good Lord. Yeah.

My old friend Wally He could make a be all the bits that he had nicked fae the old people's hame. The boots he had nought, why they had iron soles, so they were fae te heavy fae te carry away. R.E.R. Where? And that was the end of my dear friend Willie cause the oldies

they found him and they stamped him to death. So if ye are in Scotland and ye want tasty old booties just make sure they don't belong to the iron-footed oldies.

Oh, so it has been a long old fringe so far. We're only just over halfway. No, I'm gonna go home. Baby. Baby. A lot of memories of growing up in Malaysia.

But it's taking a physical toll on all of us. Yesterday evening was one of the worst evenings of my year. It was the longest thousand-yard stare I've seen you have before. I did my worst show of the run, knowing wonderful parents were in. Got off stage, found out a reviewer was in. Two reviewers were in and saw the worst show of my run. I found this out over text as I lent my head against the urinal wall as I weed. Oh, you were doing the despair pee.

The despair pee. Despair pee or very drunk pee. Yeah, I was drunk on despair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And vodka. And I was in so much despair that I hadn't realized that what I'd done on my penis was let the elastic of my boxes push up into my urethra. Yes. Not inside my urethra, I understand, but up against my urethra so as to close it like a hose.

Those would be very tight boxes if they were up inside your urethra. Yeah. For listeners who may not know either their own anatomy or the Willy anatomy in general, the urethra is on the underside of the dick. Yes. It's not in the middle. Right. It's pretty much on the underside.

And the underside was very much being pushed up by my boxer briefs, holding off a final pocket of urine that I was not aware was there. And so I, in one swift movement yoinked my boxer elastic band down slipped my penis back into them and then just pissed all over myself yeah and i i have done this before and as you as you yank yourself back in the dick returns down back to its downwards facing position. Yep, downwards facing dog. And gravity does the rest. Because the pee's already gone past the no pee. Past the valve.

Past the pressure pump, yeah. Past the pressure pump and the valve. It's just there. Like if you run water through a hose and then you disconnect it. There's still water in the hose. Yes. It's that. It's Roman aqueduct in my pants.

Roman aqueduct in your pants. It's gravity powered. And everyone's that. It's Roman Aqueduct in my pants. Roman Aqueduct in your pants. It's gravity powered. And everyone's invited. But it was with the rhythm of a genius drummer. Worst show. Reviewers in. Piss my pants. And then after that, of course, you had Pissy Pants.

But I didn't have a chance to go home and change my Pissy Pants. I don't remember the last time I pissed and change my pissy pants. I don't remember the last time I pissed my pants this badly by the way. But so in despair was I that I went, well, I just have

pissy pants tonight I suppose because then I had to go and see a show with you which I wanted to see. I was really looking forward to seeing it.

Johnny White, one of the best. Brilliant. I absolutely love him. Genius. Turned up, watched the show. It was wonderful wonderful i couldn't completely concentrate the entire time because for one um i was really worried about the ramifications of that bad show and for two i thought i might have been able to smell some piss

i was giving it the old the old inquisitory detective when you've done a smell and you want to figure out if other people can smell. So you're looking up looking at other people's faces. You're trying to assess how much of a smell this smell is. Yeah. So I was covering the affected area up seeing if that changed things. It felt like it did a little

so maybe it was me. But I kept my head in the show as much as I could and we finished it and it was wonderful and we got up and we went to get a drink and then I realized

I left my favorite cap in the venue and I couldn't go back to retrieve it because I had to then guest on an improv show with pissy pants still

and now you're And now you're on stage in this quite reputable improv show. A fancy good one. Sold out show. Big old show. Because I'm a guest monologist, I'm sat on stage the entire time. With pissy pants. With pissy, pissy pants. And it's hard

to affect an air of confidence in the driest of times on stage. i can't when you're exhausted and um a little sad if you're exhausted and sad and afraid and have pissy pants it's hard to be nonchalant my word and you had to improvise i i can smell piss. Yes, and I have pussy pants. A bit actually now. Yes, and shit. And I went back to the cafe, the venue, Johnny White's venue,

to try and see if they'd found my hat, and they haven't. I don't see how they could not. It's not a big place, but it hasn't turned up. So now I've lost my favorite cap on the same day that I had my worst show, will likely be ruined in the press for it, and pissed my pants. Oh, my lordy lord, man.

It's like, do you remember at some point punching a fortune teller in the face? Or refusing an old lady a shelter in a thunderstorm. Yes, yes, yes. Or burning her cakes when you were supposed to be watching them. Yes, absolutely. Or maybe, maybe this is just the monkey's paw outcome.

You know, you made a wish on the monkey's paw, I want all my shows to be sold out. And the monkey's paw, the finger curled round, and the price is pee pants curled round and the prices be pants and no cap yeah i mean it's not a bad price to pay just on the day that you pay it yeah the day you it's just a bit much for it all to happen at once you were you were punch drunk really any one of those things i was pissed drunk you were you were pissed drunk any one of those things you could cope with but the fact that you had so many

in quick succession yeah and um it was a perfect storm i was talking to uh lovely ryan taylor who runs the pleasance comedy and he was saying why are you guys all so tired you know you only perform for like an hour a day and i was like yes ryan but first of all adrenaline you know you're exhausted because your adrenaline spikes and stays spiked for an hour like you're in a fight because that's what your body thinks is happening you're under attack and then also the fact that yeah it's only an hour a day but it's like exams yeah your show is your exam and it doesn't matter how good of a day you've had if you fail your exams that's like saying i studied really hard in january no one cares. You failed your exam. Exactly.

I was talking to a comedian, Sarah Barron, who has got a wonderful show here, but we were on a panel, me and Sarah, and Sarah was talking about people who say, yeah, it's just like an hour's work a day. But she said, it's like going to work every day and getting a work appraisal every day. People coming in and judging you on your work.

Yeah. People in jobs otherwise, you get a few days unwatched, don't you? Also, you're being appraised by a lot of people, none of whom do your job or know how it works. Yes. But who have the ear of a lot of people, none of whom do your job or know how it works. Yes. But who have the ear of a lot of others.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's been... It's, yeah. It's rough on the old health. I mean, I can't... You sort of, you go to sleep, but you don't really sleep. You just sort of wait with your mind closed. That's the feeling I get out of it. I'm not sleeping well here.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that episode of Bud Pod. It's the usual rollicking fun. This is where you guys really earn your loyalty stripes because it won't all be fun and poops and bin bags. Sometimes we will be bin bags. Well, God bless you. I mean, in terms of poops, i've been having some absolute nightmares up here we all have there's no pattern to them anymore your life loses its pattern up here because there's no breakfast time or lunch

time or dinner time there is only show time yeah and everything around that you just and you end up eating like anyone who can do this and have the energy to slowly make a full salad has nothing but my undying respect yeah my god can you imagine can you imagine doing all this when we first moved in we all went for a big shop it always happens every fringe you go for a big shop and you go i'm going to cook this month i made one pot of pasta and ever since then i've not touched the hob yeah i'm just eating food from vans yeah like construction workers you and i signed up to the gym had one lovely session haven't seen the place since not me neither uh and also when i did

it my muscles hurt because i was doing an intense plan that a nice romanian man made for me and my muscles hurt for seven days and i couldn't raise my hands above my head for the first day a plan which if you don't keep up uh doesn't help you it just puts you in pain for seven weeks and then you go back to what you were before yes yeah the recovery time is so long that you lose the fitness you gain by doing it it's a perfect storm of pointlessness this is the sisyphus workout you push a boulder up a hill it's really good for the quads you wake up in the morning and you're fat again yeah yeah birds come in like instead of biting flesh off you put fat back onto your body yeah yeah big eagle comes and gives you another liver

that's the worst is the beer the the bearing as well because your adrenaline you're on this massive adrenaline come down you're hungry and thirsty because your venue is really hot you're sweating while you're on stage you're under the stage lights you want a nice cold lager beer yeah and then you have one and it's sort of like fizzy poison and like even two or three lagers pints i mean if you have two or three pints every day, that's way more than you should apparently be having. And it's easily enough to wake up every morning feeling like a sort of,

like when they drag a body from the river. Yeah. It was sort of puffy. Puffy and swollen and smelly and sort of gross. Yeah. I want to drink. I want to drink. I want to drink because I'm up here to relax.

The whole point was I came here to coast. Yeah, Phil has more right to be annoyed than me because I knew going in that I would have an uphill challenge. Whereas you came in

with sold out shows and in theory, in theory, you could just turn up, everyone claps while you wave your winky around and then you get to go.

Yeah, it's a weird opener. Well, you've got to open up the room somehow. But yeah, it hasn't worked out that way. And I was saying to Phil actually that that is like the ultimate hope and the ultimate despair because for me it's hopeful because it means that if I find the month hard, I know that it's hard for everyone

even if someone has a sold out show like yourself. And so that's reassuring. However, it's also despair because it means that even if I do sell out all my shows, which is all I'm aiming to do, it's still hard. Well, no, because if you start, I mean, this sounds like the most entitled thing to say, but if you start

the run having not sold out and then go on to sell it out on the merit of your show. That is incredibly satisfying. That's what I got to enjoy in 2017. Weirdly, when you've sold out everything and turn up, in a strange way,

I've missed an element of the Fringes yet because I've not... Do you feel like you've the same sort of dissatisfaction when you use cheat codes? Yes, that's exactly it. Yeah, and you sort of go, well, I knew I'd beat those yeah because i have the rocket launchers and the helicopter spawning code and gta yeah but you don't feel good no you just sort of yeah yeah anyway like i say um

enjoy the podcast um sorry no no um correspondence this episode just the story about my pee but we're going to have a correspondent special yeah um sooner or later to catch up on all your wonderful emails and so do keep sending them in we're saving up a lot of correspondence because correspondence would probably be the easiest way for guests to engage with what we do yes and so if the more emails we save up the easier it will be to get like glenn moore garrett millerick our flatmates to go through it or we listeners we nearly got fern but technological problems and delays meant that she couldn't quite do it. But we've got to have her on

because she has such a bum-bum-poo-poo time story. Oh, she's got a wonderful story. Oh, my word. Bum-bum lives and bum-bum times. Good Lord, yes. And she expresses herself so very beautifully and clearly. I would describe her descriptions of things as vivid. Yes. If Irvin Welsh could be distilled into a voice

if the book Filth could be distilled into a voice it would be it would be fun we can make fun of her vegetables and things when she comes on thank you for listening guys sorry it's delayed but we're up here under enormous,

and from your point of view, entirely fictional pressure, which is a weird thing about the Fringe, because from a distance, it just looks like big party bum-bum time. But it's actually a bum-bum life. It's not a fun-fun life. It's a bum-bum life.

It's a bum-bum life. So do forgive us. And thank you for being with us while we talk about this mad big festival. I hope it's at least like an insight into how weird our lives are I think it's I would I would find

it interesting on those merits alone but perhaps you find it absolutely in my case not so much tears of a clown but piss piss of a clown piss of a clown yeah a doctor I

have pissed myself