BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 251 - Not A Tourist

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

The lads discuss being alright-son'd, tourism, mundane rappers, 'progressive' capitalism, toilet roll wackaging, Phil's spaghetti KOJI, True Detective, and when people speak very quietly. Correspondence from Conor, Luca and Paul AND TroySome zips and blips on the audio, apologies! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 251. 251. You're alright, son. Ah, I like that. You're alright, son. You're alright, son. You're alright. You're alright, Pierre.

What goes through your mind and your heart when someone says, you're alright, son? A bit scared. I think like... Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah there's something sort of um i'm in a corridor aggressive if not just plain aggressive yeah about a man calling a stranger son you're right son i'm in a corridor i shouldn't be in yes yeah yeah oh i i had that experience in wells Cathedral once. Oh, yeah? I was you all right sonned by, like, I don't know, a deacon? Like, me and...

To be fair, he's in the line of work where he gets to call people son. That's true, that's true. Yeah, child, usually. You all right, my son? That still works, my old son. And we were in Wells Cathedral. I was there with a girlfriend and we were there for um an even song or a carol service or something it was beautiful and we decided we

needed to go and we just went in the wrong door we ended up in the cloisters like oh no just on our own and dark cloisters and they're behind us with his robe sweeping like the fucking bald whip guy from angels and demons you know it's like um excuse me are you all right and i was like and there are times in my life in the uk where i just suddenly feel like a chinese tourist and it's very embarrassing and and and i just want to go i'm not a chinese tourist i'm a british citizen like the first thing I want to say is I'm a British citizen not a Chinese tourist now what is the problem and and that was what that was like the most powerful that feeling has ever felt when I was in the cloisters of Welsh cathedral and the priest was going where excuse me can I help you like you were lost in a temple and like if you reversed it if you're a British backpacker in China or Taiwan

and you get lost in a sort of temple that you're visiting. Yeah. The reverse. Oh, no. You should get... It's like an Inca priestess is like, excuse me, can I help you? Yeah, yeah. An Aztec priest with like a human heart still beating in his fist.

You all right, son? Looking for the toilets? You should get a jacket with the lining as a union jack. And you just like flash it like a badge, like a cop. Not a tourist. I think if anything, that would make me look more like a tourist. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that might be the most touristy object

I've ever suggested don't worry I'm not a tourist I have this Mr Bean mask I have this Mr Bean mask and this plaster of Paris Big Ben and that handbag that's in every city that's black but with the writing of the city you're in in white on it yeah who makes those the little black bags with barcelona written on them or paris

or you know they're all the same bag i i think anyone who does those weird shops in london where it's like okay what are we selling today generic postcards on a big rack fine um little plaster of paris big ben's masks of mr bean masks of the king uh yeah yeah yeah we've got some buckingham palace guardsmen in various forms yeah yeah yeah 40 hoodies that say Oxford University. That's good. A couple of Hogwarts t-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, did you see late of this parish, Glenn Moore posted that you could get a Gringotts t-shirt.

Oh, yeah, I saw that post. It's funny. And he said it was the Harry Potter equivalent of having a Santander t-shirt. Yeah, exactly. Although it'd be quite hipstery wouldn't it if you saw someone with like a really nice like red and white Santander t-shirt that like looked like an actual t-shirt you go where did you did you work there or well I think Santander did take on a sort of ironic London cool thing for a bit. Because, you know,

there's a rapper Santander and the Santander Boris Bikes are sort of like the symbolic of kind of urban London life, young urban London life. What about

you could be maybe Nat West, as in like Nathaniel West. Oh, nice. That's cool. Natty West. Trying to think, other banks. Barclays, but with a K. And a double E. Barclays. I mean, this is all like modern musician names. Yeah. Buckleys, but with a K? And a double E? Buckley.

I mean, this is all like modern musician names. Yeah. A sort of reference to something in pop culture misspelt. Yes, and the thing that it's referencing has to be mundane in some way. Ideally, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Ah, what's the most mundane thing that a rapper could use?

I mean, Santander is pretty high up there. Santander is up there. Tesco, like Club Card? MC Club Card? I think that's a pretty solid contender. That's pretty good, yeah. What else is... I was going to say something like Jimmy Shoelaceace but actually that sounds quite mobster-y that's

pretty good jimmy shoelace yeah no that's pretty old school what has been postbox um adam postbox yeah yeah that's it and you or maybe like a company maybe it's a company that provides a sort of utility it's like yeah vodafone would be like i don't know road road phone boat boat phone broder phone broder phone yeah yeah i like uh broder phone that would be like a good campaign for vodafone for um fucking movember or something yes yeah or like that um some anti-toxic masculinity drive yeah yeah be a true brodophone yeah we here at vodafone don't like it when you use our phones to send rude messages or dick pics that's not very bro to phone nice yeah yeah send a nice message to a bro and it'll be for free

something like that yeah i'll be like the men's mental health awareness week and say don't be vodalone yeah a bro to phone don't leave your bro alonephone. Don't leave your bro-da-lone. Don't leave your bros alone. Don't leave your bros alone. Contact them using Vodafone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Men's mental health. That's all it takes for men's mental health.

It's a kind of a rhyme and a vaguely profitable initiative. Yeah, yeah. a kind of a rhyme and a vaguely profitable initiative yeah yeah this sort of um um progressive capitalism is always very interesting for me to watch for me the my the first great instance of this was do you remember maybe i've mentioned this before but a few a couple years back uh gillette briefly rebranded and changed the slogan from the best a man can get to the best a man can be yeah and it was the ad was a montage of like men looking after you know the younger cousins or their sons or freshly shaved someone stopping someone from saying something toxic and and then and it's like we're changing what we do or something and then at the end of the ad was www.thebestamankindbe.org yeah and it's like oh

wow so they set up an organization to end toxic masculinity and i may be the only person in the country to do this okay fucking okay and i opened my browser and i typed in www.thebestamankindbe.org and i just changed to gillette.com yes i remember this now yeah just a complete bait and switch complete and you know that didn't last is that they're back to the best man can get yeah of course they are oh yeah and yeah goons will always go whoa kudos to gillette for blah blah and the truth is you know when a company does that does something like that it's a sign of where the where the culture is not where the company has gone no just it follows the money like all the all the companies the second support for gay marriage clicks over 51 all the companies explode into rainbow colors.

Yeah. Which is the beautiful thing about capitalism. It doesn't care. It doesn't care. It will do what you want. It's up to you. Capitalism is like a terrifying robot butler that's much stronger than anyone.

It could definitely kill you, but it's also a butler. So you can kind of convince it to do things some of the time if you say a pizza jeeves it'll bring you a pizza if you say drown me it'll drown you with such efficiency you won't even remember the bubbles well you won't remember the bubbles you'll be dead do you think it would be good in that montage where it's Gillette, the best a man can be? Obviously, all the men in the montage have to be, to some extent, shaven, right? So they're all shaven. And then suddenly you see in the montage, there's a lifeguard with a huge bushy beard and very hairy body.

And he's leaping in to save someone drowning. And you think, well, hang on, he doesn't use Gillette. And then just very quickly, you see perfectly balls just a flash a flash you're not even sure you've seen it but his gooch is like it's it's pristine it's like a baby's uh cheek and then there everyone goes wow that is oh okay that's clever the baby had a wrinkly saggy cheek imagine a baby with a wrinkly, saggy cheek. Imagine a baby with a wrinkly, saggy cheek. An old baby. What's young and old at the same time? An old baby. A stressed baby.

Speaking of saving the planet, yesterday I signed up to a leading toilet paper subscription service. Oh, is this one of those ones that is all recycled in some way or sustainable in some way yeah that's right and i went on fully intending to get some recycled toilet paper and then it said or a premium option that's made out of new bamboo and i went well i'm getting that then i'm not using recycled paper anymore i went in fully intending to it's like or you could have a nicer option i went well i'll give a nice one you you just like grandpa simpson immediately turning around just

just straight back out of the door that's so funny to to offer that and be like um Immediately turning around, just straight back out of the door. That's so funny to offer that and be like, and obviously, sir, if you go this way, through this door, you will help someone in need. And as you walk through the door, the same guy just goes, oh, you can have a slice of pizza. And you go, well, I'd like, yeah, that one.

I'll have the pizza then. I'll have that then then now that you've said that and i'm here now yeah i mean you know they say bamboo is you know it's very very sustainable and it is but still i was like oh fuck the recycling then yeah scratch my ass open yeah i'm not shredding my b-hole for the planet what are we fighting for sorry what are we fighting for if we're going to end up with shredded b-holes if I end up with two assholes then

the poachers have won really haven't they oh just as a side note for everyone who likes to go on the internet and see that we're doomed from climate change or whatever um good news the capacity for batteries is like doubling every few years it's enormous it's the biggest it's ever been the density the energy density of batteries is huge now and they're the cheapest they've ever been and those trends are continuing. And Europe's emissions are like half what they were 2012. Like, it's all going great.

Apart from China and India. But that's not our problem. Yeah, apparently last year, China built the highest capacity of renewable energy ever in history. But increased its energy consumption by more than that yeah yeah yeah one step forward and two steps back one step forward and two steps back um so um so this this sustainable toilet uh roll company pierre yeah and very um uh

admirable mission of course but as we all know by now with every admirable mission comes a lot of wackaging i mean this no was the height of wackaging let me There's one that made me kind of retch a little. Let me see if I can find it. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know these websites that seem to have like three separate homepages. It's like, which one was that homepage? Yeah, and then there's like a homepage that makes you automatically scroll down

to another homepage. It's intolerable shit. What the fuck is this dude? Ah. it's intolerable shit what the fuck is this dude toilet paper toilet paper well the god damn it I can't actually find it now but the one that I found was sustainability is our middle name

and then in brackets it went actually it's mark okay okay what's how are we how are we to understand that so the company is called like recycled toilet paper limited oh no actually it's recycled toilet paper mark limited doesn't make any sense at all gibberish useless gibberish okay here we go oh it's flexibility delay or change your order as many times as you'd like flexibility is our middle name actually it's mark no you can't do it again um easily can't oh no that's the one i was thinking Oh no that's the one I was thinking of They've only done it once in their defence

Easily cancel or change your subscription Online and we won't make you feel weird About it You've already made me feel weird We promise Like double dog pinky promise We're incredibly flexible And make it easy for you to cancel at any time.

Almost too easy. It's kind of bad for business. No, it isn't. I feel double done by now because it's good for business. I'm sure you've worked out it's good for business and you're telling me it's actually bad for business so that I give you my business.

You can't fucking expect me to believe. This is what I don't like is that it all started, Phil. It all started when companies started expecting people to work harder out of the goodness of their hearts as employees, where they were like, oh, well, we only hire people who are passionate about folding slices of ham or whatever. And it's like, well, the money is for the passion. That's what the money is for, to quote Mad Men. That's what the money is for. And they go, well, we can't actually pay anyone enough money

or ever any more money. So we need passionate people to save us money because they love doing it. Yes, yes. And now they're extending that to us where they want us to believe that they are so passionate about it that they're willing to lose money and customers as though they're not a business as though they're like our friend yes it's insidious what's the mad man quote um that's what the money is for in what is that in response to uh saying like you never

said thank you to me for doing all the hard oh yeah that is good is it peggy that in response to? Saying that you never said thank you to me for doing all the hard work. Oh, yeah, that is good. Is it Peggy that says that to him? I think so. That's what the money is for. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. It's a fun thing to shout. That's what the money is for. I don't want to be friends with a company, Phil.

And I don't believe them that they are my friend. Because I believe that, like you say, capitalism doesn't care. It's a terrifying robot butler if i suddenly said um uh can i have some for free i'm in a real a lot of trouble i need some help they'd go oh no that's a funny thing to say in reference to a toilet paper company yeah for free i need a lot of help i'm in a lot of trouble I'm in a lot of trouble am I yeah exactly

I'm caked in shit I'm like one of those sheep you see sometimes and they go no no we can't do that oh I thought we were friends can you lend me some money

can you lend me a fiver toilet paper friend and they just say no because it's a lie. No. Oh, I quickly would like to give a shout out to a pretty good coach I got recently. Oh, nice. Yeah.

I was in this very sweet, small restaurant in Peckham called Oi Spaghetti. Shout out to Oi Spaghetti. You're right, son. Meatballs. Oi Spaghetti. You're right, son. Spaghetti. And Oi Spaghetti is a small restaurant

run by one Italian man called Francesco. Shout out, Francesco. And he is like Little Hut, basically basically in this courtyard in um in this industrial estate in peckham and he used to have people a couple of people help him in this tiny restaurant and then they left and for company he started streaming himself making spaghetti on twitch all right he streams himself every night every sitting sitting. And it's funny. You walk in and there's like a neon on air sign. And he's like, he's got his laptop set up over the counter.

And he's like talking through how he's making the dishes. And I don't know if someone was already on his stream. Or it's because I put on my story at O Spaghetti. stream or it's because i put on my story at oi spaghetti that um halfway through our meal in like uh in front of like the other tables francesco turns to me and goes uh phil uh alex uh would like to say hi alex he says uh and he looks at the screen goes uh keep on checking it oh that's funny while he's making people's food in a restaurant yeah and also like from the point of view of the other patrons, just a guy on here wants you to keep wanking. Is that right? Does that sound familiar to you, Phil?

That's so funny, man. It was pretty funny. Did anyone else, were people just like, oh, what? I don't think people paid much attention. I don't know if I actually let Francesco finish saying it because he went, keep on. I went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, nice, yeah. Great, great. Hi, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell them I will. Tell them I will. Tell them I will. That's great. I think I got a Koji on Saturday night. I was in Bristol at the Comedy Box, which is above the Hen and Chicken Pub.

Yeah, it's a great club. Lovely club. And I think I got a koji as I left the stage. I heard a sort of parade clapping sound, and then I thought I heard, G'day! Yeah. Right in the middle of it.

I might have dreamt it, but I think I heard it. And if I did, then thank you. Here's a weird thing that happened to me I was I was in Bristol and I was buying something in a supermarket like a coffee or something I don't know something like some bullshit some bullshit like a coffee

some bullshit like a drink some fucking horse horse shit like a stupid bollocks like a drink for my little mouth and uh i where i was sort of looking at the shelves next to me there was a sort of sainsbury's or whatever employee guy and you know where they're just like they're guys they have guys whose job is to sort of constantly wheel around skyscrapers of objects oh yeah in those sort of big trolley metal trolley carts yeah in there nothing ever seems to be finished being put on shelves there's just these guys who do this kind of dance of of trolleys he was doing some trolley bullshit. And, uh, a lady came up to him.

He had his back to her and to me. And, uh, a lady came up and stood sort of in front of me. And we were both to the back of this staff member. Yes. Yes. The staff members putting stuff on the shelf.

You and this lady are behind him yeah or her and and yeah it was a he and uh she wasn't looking at him or me and she was doing that slightly like i'm asking for assistance pose where people sort of have one hand slightly up for nothing you look a bit like um Adam in the painting of creation absolutely she was doing that a bit with a little hunch like oh and she was saying excuse me and all the right stuff but she was saying it so quietly that i thought i i had the wrong end of the stick and because she wasn't looking at this man's back or touching him and because she was not looking at me either but almost between me and this man and just sort of looking at nothing and going excuse me i was just sort of transfixed by the weirdness of it and it it made me really annoyed because

you know when something that makes me really annoyed that is a weird thing to be irritated by is when people are too shy and polite yes yes it is annoying it's irritating and a man who has his back to you who's busy clonking noisy objects on a big squeaky trolley and you want his attention to ask him a question you're going oh excuse me can i should have a question with the backs over there just that but she said it as if it was at a normal volume and then waited for a reply from a man's back. Yeah, meanwhile he's hearing, DONG! DONG! You good?

But he was unaware someone was even speaking to him, and how could he be aware? But she finished and looked at his back expectantly, as if, Soon my question will be answered. Yeah, that's annoying. When someone does something clearly ineffectual, and then is

surprised when nothing happens yeah or hurt or like oh oh like someone in a restaurant who wants to wait his attention who lifts like one finger oh excuse me oh please i just want to go shout hey come on i just want to shout on their behalf i want to shout in restaurants i've started putting both hands up like i'm drowning like genuinely i put both arms it's the best it's it's the only way to do it because then sometimes you're in a place where i've been on tour with frank skinner and me and frank and uh the wonderful johnny dodkin we were all in a wagamama and it was that thing where for the first 15 minutes of the meal this waitress she couldn't stop talking to us about fucking if everything was okay and and oh yeah do you need more soy sauce and it was like she was a one of the group you know and then the second that was insane amount of attention was done

she was playing a game called never look at those guys again right she's trying to front load you with attention so that you didn't have to do anything afterwards. Yeah, and she just had her back to us for like 20 minutes. It was just impossible. We were waving and it was just this most, yeah. But yeah, I found that really weird. It really stuck in my head, this lady like whispering to herself.

And then when the guy eventually turned around, you know, like yeah this lady kept talking to him and didn't increase the volume wow and he was like what and then she kept going with that little polite hand what sort of what's what sort of age was this lady 35 40 yeah in my mind she was very old. I know! She was dressed like a normal, you know, lady of

between 30 and 40. And didn't seem mad or, you know, whatever. Was dressed nicely and just kept whispering to this man. And the question was incomprehensible. It was something about, are there other bags or something i'm just standing there trapped thinking i hate this you were trapped well yeah because i

was the guy in the trolley was to my left and this lady's like right in front of me so i have to like sort of try and squeeze past this nightmarish interaction god i mean i speak in that volume but when it's acceptable which is like when someone lets me pass pass by you know that that thing english people do when you someone lets them pass by and they go they say thank you in the physically quietest like scientifically quietest you could possibly say thank you. Yeah while still technically saying thank you And he just comes out That's horrible you're really going for it with your jaw that thank you. Thank you. Yeah Like cheers you

Cheers Or like cheers Cheers Yeah no one You're right it's so quiet but no one would ever say what As he Squeezed past him What I said Cheers oh no problem That's what I wish this guy had said

Yeah I just I spent a while like 10 minutes thinking What the fuck Well speaking of things people have said We should look at some correspondence Yes we should See how quiet they are Just very small font

Very small font I was just wondering if he pooed recently See how quiet they are. Just very small font. Very small font. I was just wondering if he's pooed recently. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email. Phone calligrapher. Toilets.

Your sister. Keep a straight line. Phone calligrapher. To prove he's pooed recently. Correspondence. I got a sense some horrible advertising bullshit from Connor. Oh, great. I love this stuff. I love it.

It's for Alpro. Yogurt. That's yogurt, right? And fake milk. Oh, it's like soy stuff, isn't it? Yeah. It's fake milk. I like soy milk.

But I think this is telling of my Asian upbringing. I like soy milk. I like it. I think it's upbringing. I like soy milk. I like it. I think it's tasty. I like the sourness. It has its place, but its place isn't in my tea. So this is for Alpro, which claims to be rich in fiber, which a liquid should not be.

Oh, yeah. That's not possible, is it? Surely not. And the caption is, however you breakfast no no no no i'm fucking woody harrelson into detective no make it alprolicious but also in the rhyme with delicious. In the advert, the box of Alpro or whatever is in the way of the start of Alprolicious. So I've had to spend the last few minutes going,

Make it Al-delicious? Like, what the hell does that mean? Owls made this delicious. These owls have made this delicious milk don't ask about it how did so it said however you breakfast yes which to be fair to be fair philip that is technically a verb you're right it's a very victorian way of speaking but it's like they break fast however you break it fast yeah however you break fast however you break fast. However you break fast. Yeah, however you break fast. However you break fast. It's like that bit in Star Wars where they say it's an older code, but it checks out.

Yeah, it's fucking Saucerian advertising. However you break fast. I'll proleshast. How never thine break done fast. However you break break don fast. However you break your fast. Consider the milk of the bean. And like bean is spelled B-E-N-E. Consider the milk with a Y.

Consider the milk of the bean. consider the milk with a y consider the milk of the bean um oh yes i'm just scrolling through um have you been re-watching true detective i liked your woody harrelson reference there oh thanks man i watched the first series um which is brilliant right up until the end. And I think like now knowing the end, I just can't go through it again. Just because I know like there's some bullshit coming. Which bit of the end? It's been out since 2014, so I don't feel too bad about discussing it. Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I guess, you know, the revelation of who the killer is, I just thought was kind of bland and not interesting and a bit of a cop-out. Do you think? Yeah. Do you know what I think? But it was all related to everything else. Well, he just sort of is in the background a little bit

in some previous some previous scenes isn't it yeah but he's physically motivations aren't really the what sorry his motivations are just like he's crazy yes well he is related to the sinister characters they've been speaking to as family yeah they talk to the spooky old maid uh in the retirement home or whatever and she uh she makes it clear that they were they had this like fucking fortress of inbreeding somewhere yeah exactly yeah gosh maybe i need maybe i do need to watch it again i mean what is amazing about it is just like the vibe and the theme tune and the shots of any like anything with wide shots of america i'm like i'm in yeah rural america fargo i'm a coen brothers simp just like show me wide shots of

like a snowy plane i'm like i'll watch this for five hours yeah that's love it it's so good i saw an interview with nick pizzolato and he was saying that originally a lot of the true detective dialogue the writer of true detective the guy who invented it um although he's not the writer of the latest series he was he originally wrote a lot of it as a as like a play like a dialogues um and i think that comes across because the the dialogue is very dense um and the ideas are quite dense and i think that's why it's so good and i think that i i've just watching bits of the new series no spoilers it's supposed to be very good this new series right it is good but the dialogue is much less

dense it's a lot more um easy to right it's a lot more yeah the way the things people say are a lot more just like it does seem more Coen-y this one it's more Coen-y and the dialogue is a lot more just general sort of you see some meaning in all this madness you know like you go yeah yeah yeah yeah well in that first series they had the

advice of Matthew McConaughey's characters basically being quite pretentious but it was like a vehicle for all this quite pretty good dense monologuing well he was pretentious but he was also like a philosophically a nihilist and coming off like four years on fucking meth right yeah from being undercover or whatever so you go like oh yeah this makes sense a kind of slightly manic depressive extremely intense nihilist like he's the stuff he was saying was philosophically sound it wasn't just like i it managed to avoid at least to my ears sounding like a 14 year old who's just discovered nietzsche

yes exactly yeah because it's quite teenage but charming i. Last movie I watched was Bullet Train. Have you seen Bullet Train? No. With Brad Pitt. It's like set on a bullet train in Japan. Is that that one where it's like seven assassins are on a train for no reason, and now they have a fight? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fun. It's fun. It's fine. It's fun. And it has a Cockney accent in it that is so bad. It made me go, my auditions are fine really who's the actor um bra bra i love a bad cockney accent it's so funny i mean it's no um Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven oh yeah oh god yeah

that's crazy it doesn't sound like anything that's insane I'm gonna get the money from a casino Brian Tyree Henry who's American but plays a West Ham fan

oh good it's pretty it's pretty ropey what is it with americans and west ham fans well i mean he and uh aaron taylor johnson play brothers who are from east london but west ham fans are also in white lotus the guy's a west ham fan oh yeah i think it's sort of the go-to sort of east london um identity that american writers go for weird how's that happened and like they play you know versions of i've been blowing bubbles yeah do you think it's because west ham is just obscure enough that the writers don't feel dumb just saying arsenal manchester united exactly uh-huh okay well phil look hey we've got a message from luca luca Luca Luca Luca

who could have predicted this not me not me dear P and P nice founding far to here I recently got back from my travels in Japan the land of toilet heaven

yes lovely toilets actually one features in bullet train oh i'm sure it does oh my this toilet's haven't telling me to have a good day shouting at the toilet you're right son you don't know pleasure till you've had a japanese water jet shoot up your ass give you you a colonic. Yeah. With the porcelain thrones, grace you with everything you need and more to deploy the troops. Now I hope you can understand

my shock when I walked into this toilet to be greeted with what I can only describe as an ass germ city. Ooh. Ass germ city. Yeah. Just another ordinary day in ass germ city. oh Ass Germ City yeah just another ordinary day in Ass Germ City or is it

I mean City Roach would have a wonderful life in Ass Germ City our cape crusader stares out across Ass Germ City a layer of rug material wrapped on the top of the toilet seat i hate this who's come up with this idea of like carpeted i mean can could there be a worse idea than this an absorbent toilet seat a layer of rug material the mere sight of this encouraged me to hold my poos in until i made it back to the safety and warmth of my airbnb koji luka awful awful awful yeah i'm gonna show you on the camera

um okay this it's a bit glary i can't quite make it out oh oh it is like cheap gray carpet it also it's not it's not uniform it's been cut with like a carpet knife like they've carved a toilet seat shape out of a piece of carpet for an actual floor yeah they've had to make it themselves because obviously it doesn't exist because it's a horrible idea it's really really horrid that do you think they justified it by well, your ass doesn't get anything on it? Everything is going past the carpet, down into the pipe. That puts too much trust in fellow man. Yes, that's true.

Yes, that's true. Whoever made that was deceived, Ed. Also the particles. The particles. The particles will get soaked into the fibers of the carpet yeah you you wouldn't um yeah after a while that would be a prime candidate for some horrifying before and after cleaning uh video you know where they use the special stuff on it and then you do it on a bit and you see like

you thought it was quite a dark carpet oh yeah they clean the square and it's like white and you go oh um we got a message from paul Paul! Not at all! Come on in, Paul! No, you're not a birdie, not at all! Dear Fart Brothers, my wife and I have been listening for a long time, not quite founding farters, but pretty close.

Getting there. That this is the first time either of us has had cause to write in, not having any poo stories to relate. Mmm. Good for you. While on holiday... They're just poo observers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just there to report back.

I like to watch. I like to watch. While on holiday in Split, Croatia, we came across an ancient glassware exhibit at the Archaeological Museum Ooh, delightful You're talking my language, Paul which contained what I

proposed to be the earliest recorded piece of tat Oh Archaeological tat? Ancient tat? Yeah A small glass beaker with an engraved message from first century Greece

Blimey That was like a hundred years ago First century Greece A.D. It's a good question Surely Let me see Yeah, it must be Yeah, it's a sort of glass plain glass beaker question, surely. One would presume. Let me see.

Yeah, it must be. Yeah, it's a sort of glass, plain glass speaker. It's nice, though. It's nice. Nicely made little thing. Let me see it. Oh, okay, I need to whisper it.

Whisper ancient Greek tat. Oh, it's beautiful. Wow, it's so clear.'s very impressive for one for a century a.d incredibly clear um yes well paul says extra points if you can whisper it in the original ancient greek uh so it says blank in the blank that's it yeah blank in the blank happiness in the home you're close with happiness joy yes

let's say it's a bit of an instruction and it's not a physical instruction so it's not like smile laugh it's not physical it's more abstract both missing words are abstracted so it's not like home or garden or something oh um pleasure in the soul oh you're so close you're so close to the idea um um glory glory in the heart no peace in the mind too physical peace in the soul peace in the

spirit um um love in the ghost what is it enjoy in the moment wow really yeah mindfulness ancient greek mindfulness ancient greek boozy tat mindfulness whoa enjoying the moment let's see if i can translate enjoying the moment to ancient greek yeah see what it says okay google will do greek and nothing will do ancient greek what do you think okay it says apolavstai stigmi apolavstai stigmi when i when i look at what uh paula sent, the photo, I zoom in on the ancient Greek. The two ancient Greek words, it's in joy in the moment, but it's only two words. And they look very similar to each other.

They're spelled almost exactly the same. And so I get it's a bit like a pun. If you were ancient Greek, the thing that would amuse you about it is that it's a bit like shibbity boo gribbity boo like it's like a nice little course so they've got all these dense compound words um uh uh uh quickly we got a message from t. Troy, ahoy! Imagine if I meant that there was news from the siege. The Achaeans have broken through at last! Rejoice! Yeah.

Hi, pals. I recently started listening to your podcast from the beginning, naturally, so I don't know if you're still monitoring your emails or if you're still interested in OK Thank Yous but if you are oh always mum and i were out walking out with our dog at knoll park at the weekend now mum has a foggy brain at the best of times and we had stayed out rather longer than usual in our excitement at finding a new part of the park to explore so on our return journey her tiredness clouded her ability to pick words even more than usual.

Our dog paused to defecate just as another dog came bounding around the corner ahead of us and eagerly started sniffing at our dog's bum bum, even while the defecation was ongoing. Woof! That is commitment to being a dog. Yeah, or the dog smelling the bum going like

what the fuck what the fuck is this what ah what is happening because the dog's never seen it coming out its own ass right so right of course yeah um somewhat to her annoyance mum shouted at this new dog intending to say something like all right that'll do leave her in peace to have a poo yeah which is a fun rhyme all right that'll do leave her in peace to have a poo. Yeah. Which is a fun rhyme. Alright, that'll do. Leave her in peace to have a poo. Instead, what came out was, Okay, thank you. Okay, thank you.

Okay, thank you. Once the dog situation was resolved, I told Mum about your feature of the same name, and she found it so funny, she literally wet herself. Good. Oh wow! Amazing! God must have told it well. Well yeah, I mean your delivery must be perfect.

Incredible. I don't think it would have made her wet herself if she'd listened to the original. So well done you. Now we have to go to the private dog park of the VIP Patreon, Phil. Ah yes. Yes, yes, the Patreons will see you there. dog park of the VIP Patreon, Phil. Yes, yes.

The Patreons will see you there. If you're not a Patreon, do sign up for extra Bud Poddy goodness. Reminder, anyone live in London, I'm at the Hammersmith Apollo on the 23rd of February. Yes. If you're in Northampton, I'm at the Royal Andern Gate on the 20th of February. Come. If you're in London, I am doing my last Edinburgh Fringe show, best show I've ever done, at the Soho Theatre over Easter. End of March, start of April.

It's all on my website. It's all on my Instagram. So if you're in London, that's the show from last Fringe. It's never been done in London, so come and check it out. Wait, this is the one i haven't seen right i think it is exactly yeah wait what date is that uh it's end of march start of april there's there's a weird little easterly sort of break oh you're doing a little run yeah i got a two-week run basically whoa whoa whoa whoa 26th of march to the 6th of April. Ideal.

Okay, nice one. I'll be there. Not on Easter Sunday or Monday. Yes, so come see that, please. Super duper. All right, folks. Have a good one. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.