BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 252 - Clever Travelling' Man

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

The lads discuss confessing to crimes in lyrics, the death penalty, movie financing, Phil's firework death, the UK economy, Robotmoth and Lauren write in with two wee-based thrillers Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 252. You can see the food as well, you know? You see like a chip. Oh, can you say... You said about food. You can look at a bowl of chips and say, that's a bit of me, that is. I was informed that that was popularized by the sexy dum-dums. On Lovey Island? On Lovey Island. Interesting. I'd heard it before, maybe it was like taken to the next level. It's tough sometimes...

By Love Island? Yeah, it's tough sometimes in the UK to distinguish between youth slang and regional slang because if a young person from a region pops up on tv and popularizes it everyone just goes that's what young people say and young people in every other part of the country are like nope that's just that guy right yeah it's just happened a lot in the uk is there a countrywide young vernacular in the UK? Because it's so regional. It's all so regionally dictated.

I guess the stolen internet youth speak is countrywide. That's it. Yeah. And also like people imitate new London English. Which is the new sound of London. What's it called? MLE. Multicultural London English.

Yes, MLE. Yeah. So people imitate MLE, Multicultural London English. Yes, MLE. Yeah. So people imitate MLE. You know, you can go to like Hertfordshire and someone's calling someone else fam. Yeah. And they're both ice white. Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, wow. Or not from London at all. They're busy scrumping cider apples, wearing fucking straw hats, and they're calling each other fam. I really love the first... Mowi fam. I really... Or eight fam. wearing fucking straw hats and they're calling each other fam i really love the first uh moe fam i really all right fam i love the first album of the the british rapper slow tie and he's like all right all right and it's all like um very emily sounding yeah

and then finally he's from fucking nottingham at least nottingham has got historically high levels of gun crime. Or bow and arrow crime, historically. Sorry, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Robin's got shooters out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love a Robin Hood themed...

Robin Hood releasing a drill album. That'd be sick. Just admitting to robbing the Sheriff of Nottingham in an album and being clapped in irons as a result. Have you seen that happening with all the drill music? Yeah, people... Just admit to murders. And there's a very funny song by MF Doom.

You a MF Doom fan? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's called Rap Snitcheses and he's this is like back in the day back in the noughties he's making fun of rappers for admitting to crimes in their own songs and he goes rap snitches telling all their business sit in the court and be their own star witness oh yes yes do you see the perpetrator yeah i'm right here fuck around get the whole label sent up for years yeah rappers just admitting to actual crimes and going to jail for it there was um there was some case in the uk recently where a guy not only admitted to

if not murdering than trying to shoot someone and then admitted that he knew that the gun that he'd used was also used in a different crime which forensics then proved why'd say that again so this guy was like i tried to brackets or did murder Billy. Yeah. And it's the same gun that got Old Smilly. Right, yeah. And then they were like, right, well, we'll obviously test the forensics of the bullets for Old Smilly's murder then. And they were like, yes, that's the same weapon.

Thank you. You've helped us connect up a whole network of. Incredible. Yeah, just like actual. Is it A$AP Rocky who was a recent guy who's. Old Smilly. A$AP Rocky. was a recent guy who's Old Smilly A$AP Rocky Old Smilly I just like that my rap go to rhyme was Old Smilly

as though that would be someone's street name A$AP Rocky did he get caught by that Yeah I think he's in one of those cases where he's admitted to some things in the song. It's such a silly...

I mean, don't do it. No. No, but do you think that can happen in stand-up? Do you think there's danger of one of us being taken to court for not liking airplane food? And... Sir, did you or did you not

ask what the deal is with the following concepts? You stand accused of thinking that women be shopping. How do you plead? How do you plead? Guilty, Your Honor, because women do be shopping. And the jury applauds. Order! Order! And then the jury's having to be carried out by bailiffs.

Replace them! A two-week recess to find a new jury. Unacceptable. I'd love to be on jury duty. Would you? Yeah. Sometimes if you're well it depends if you like your work though you so you shouldn't well i can take a week off no but what if it's

you don't get to choose the case what if it's like a 14 month murder debacle that then has to you know i can gig afterwards can i depends whatever has to have to move around you know you can't not show up so your schedule revolves around that. Surely from time to time cases are decided because juries just have to get back to their lives. Nope. But what if they go, someone is like, you know, nine say, is it 12? 11 say guilty, one says not guilty, and the not guilty one is like, I just need to get back to my life. Fine, guilty.

Nope. How do you know that doesn't happen? Well, they wouldn't say it out loud. Well, yeah, of course. But I'm saying, surely it does happen. A friend of mine was on jury duty and I think because they knew it would be long, it was like three days a week or something.

Okay. So, but it went on forever. But that was three days of work a week like it was they don't do it on weekends so yeah it's out of your power um you can you can at the stage whether you get the letter you can dispute it yeah and um that's one of the worrying things about jury duty is that it's not that hard to get out of so you don't end up with um yeah i was listening you very rarely end up with a squad of geniuses and i think the the demographic and age can be skewed i was listening to a pensioners

a lawyer who works in the states but he's british and he's saying you know yeah sure in the states you know you've got uh death penalties and stuff but otherwise the system's pretty good compared to the uk because in the uk like um it's extremely expensive so people without means often don't get justice just because they can't afford the process and the juries are not representative they're often completely white and old because those are the people who yeah kind of are willing to do it yeah i mean you can dispute juries but it's, but you need a really good reason, I think. In the States, you know, the death penalty, they started trying out a new death penalty. Yes.

A new form of killing people with nitrous gas, basically suffocating them. Yes, they did it on that man who was immune to the poison somehow. Yeah, they tried... Oh, God, it's so gross listening about it. But they tried to kill him with the lethal injection, a bunch of i couldn't find a vein because this is the problem a lot of people on death row in america um are you know drug users yeah and you know

not very easy to find a vein on a prolific heroin user also if i knew i was going to be supposed to die from lethal injection i'd get a little pin and jab it in my veins all day long whether there was drugs in it or not so the veins would retract it retract be a smart thing to do and you've got nothing but time so they're not just they just ended up like injecting his muscles with this fucking come on fatal chemical firing squads nicer than that yeah i think i think some states might be trying to bring firing squads back one only got rid of it recently and I think one still has it fucking hell man but one of the one of the reasons

they need to try this new nitrogen nitrous something suffocation method is that companies understandably don't want to be

associated with it chemical companies are just getting harder and harder for states to actually buy the chemicals to kill people with it would be tough

to be you'd need to be like a real like Texan like the Texan guy from the Simpsons well I'm proud to provide the chemicals necessary like you'd have to be such a and so they're starting to have to go like to off-brand like suppliers and so often these chemicals not even good at killing you they're just horrible you're just in terrible

pain for ages i looked up that guy because in my head wrongly people who are on death row these days are hannibal lecter right they're they're flagrant criminals in a way that is like you're thinking which netflix documentary subject is this death penalty about yeah yeah and he was a murder for hire idiot in the 80s. Yeah, he was like 21 or something. Some guy hired some guy to kill his wife. Yeah. That some guy hired another two even stupider guys to actually do it. And they did do it.

Yeah. And one of the two is the person they're trying to execute. Yeah, and he's now in his 60s, 50s. Yeah, this all happened in the 80s. Yeah. But then in your head, it's like, you know you know you're gonna look up who they're executing and it's like the bodies of over 70 people were found in his walls you know like a crazy serial killer and it's just this fucking violent moron yeah and you go oh yeah i don't know why i was almost disappointed because

you sort of go oh that's that why is of go Why him then So not the other one Maybe the other one snitched on him In a little song Or was already dead When I was hired to murder a girl I'll tell you what That would be good Like an 80s style rap

But still admitting to crimes Glam rock Admitting to I buried the gun in the river like just in the same guitar solo yeah no it's um what would you like to uh if you had to be executed in america what would your favorite method be i mean it feels like a firing squad but i mean that's not even that's not surefire, right? No. Unless I want the rifle right at my head.

I want like four rifles just in front, side, back, side, all pointed at my head. Yeah, you want to be climbing into the gun. Defied out of a cannon. That's the firing squad. You just get cannoned into the wall like Bugs Bunny. I want to be covered in C4. I want to wear a C4 suit.

Yeah, and then I want you to sprint across a rope bridge. And then you don't know when they're going to blow. Oh, right. just for the visual just you're running across this jungle canyon rope bridge and then when you're halfway well that's why i always say the way i want to die is to be strapped up and fired on in into the sky on a big firework and exploded like at the end of mulan yeah yeah that's what i want you want to be like the bad guy at the end of mulan yeah yeah that's what i want you want to be like

the bad guy at the end of mulan that's right yeah i'm gonna be so sick what did what did they say to him right before they set him loose i don't think there is like a james bondy um set things off with a bang i don't think there's anything like that no no i thought they said something like china bitch i don't know no i don't think there's anything like that. No, no. I thought they said something like, China, bitch. I don't know. No, I don't think so. Mulan sort of pins him to the roof with her sword,

I think her father's sword, and she runs off, and Mushu and the cricket light this big firework. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I don't think they have a quirky... A spoken thing.

I don't think so. I know that there's one... Surely Eddie Murphy, as Mushu says something. He's got to. He's got to. Give it a look. Because I like the bit where the guy sets off the beacons and says, Now all of China knows you're here.

And then he sacrifices himself. Like he just barely manages to set the beacons off. Remember that bit? Yes, yes, yes. The big bonfires on top of the wall of China. The villain's name is Shan Yu. I can never remember that. Shan Yu. And like all Mongolians, he's grey.

His flesh is grey. And he's got yellow eyes like a fucking... Oh, fuck's sake. No, we can't play an Expedia advert. They're not paid any. Expedia suck, by the way. Until we are paid to say otherwise yes

they are the worst company in the world in my opinion oh man Shan you're so sick you're so scary yeah why did they go grey I think to make them spookier yeah grey flesh I don't think Mongolians are naturally grey

no not from what I've seen we're talking about grey flesh here by the way listeners they made his skin gray okay so it says light yeah baby classic stuff yeah yeah that's what Eddie Murphy gets paid the big bucks it lights the firework Mulan straps him to the ground and just fires I don't think yeah then he just picks up Shan Yu and takes him off to the sky. Off to the sky. Oh, yeah, he's not off to the sky.

He's blown into a tower that's filled with more fireworks. Okay. So I guess that's how I want to go. Okay, so you want... You want Eddie Murphy to sellotape you to a firework. Yes. And then that shoots you into a tower of fireworks. Yeah, I don't know if Cameo are offering that service just yet what happened to eddie murphy he just popped up recently in a film and i was like oh yeah oh yeah it's like an amazon movie or something yeah yeah

what the hell he's not dead but he doesn't say anything yeah just want a little cash injection i mean he's so rich i guess i hope so you just piss about until you want a little more something something and yeah but you know what he's not done? Because he's the right age group. He's not sat on Twitter tweeting a load of mad views. Exactly. He got his all out on tape in the 80s. That's why he doesn't need to do it.

He was like, no, I've done that. And all the other celebrities are like, well, I never got the chance to say my actual views really directly to the public en masse. So now I have to do it now on Twitter. I know. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah, smart.

Yeah, it is. For some celebrities, rambling on about things on Twitter is like not leaving the bank after the heist and doing a big speech about how you think it's really good to rob banks. It's like, you've got the money, go, man. Yeah, go.

I think of Twitter as a casino, and the house always wins. So if you're in the black, cash out and just leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a celeb, if you're a celeb. If you're a celeb. If you're a celeb. If you're a celeb.

Yeah. Yeah, I've got a carpenter in at the moment is that a metaphor? we've got termites in your bumhole building some shelves my books have literally been on the ground for so long at this point Phil keeps all his knowledge on the floor

and I went and came down to do my my laundry put laundry in the washing machine and he said I didn't know celebs did their own laundry really? yeah I'm like you don't really know what British celebs are

yeah this is British celebs do other people's laundry I reckon yeah that's right I wouldn't be surprised to see almost any British celebrity British celebs do other people's laundry, I reckon. Yeah, that's right. Which is the top of the old income. Yeah, I think... I wouldn't be surprised to see almost any British celebrity pouring petrol at a pump with a little fucking peaked hat on.

Who are the British celebrities who are untouchable? I guess it's just anyone from the 70s. Untouchable in what way? Money way. Money way, yeah. Like, they're easily all-American level. It's Rolling Stones, isn't it? Yeah, ever since then, money's been fast to make but fast to lose. money way money way yeah like they're easily all american level it's it's it's rolling stones isn't it yeah ever since then money's been fast to make but faster lose yes if fast to make at all

or it's been like you're allowed to be a rock star but you can only make a tenth as much of the amount that a rock star in the 70s would have made for some reason is it just like CDs and DVDs? Because the profit margins on CDs and DVDs were what made so much money flow around. Yeah, and now it's being spokesperson for things. I guess David Beckham, maybe? He's pretty untouchable, money-wise. Yes, yes.

And crucially big in the States. Ah. Did you see that clip of... it goes around every now and then, it's Matt Damon on Hot Ones. Oh, the eating the hot spicy wings. Yeah, and he's talking about why movies, like the ones, the kind of movies he was in in the 90s just don't seem to get made.

Oh yeah, why is that? It's a lot of it's DVDs. Because it was like releasing the movie twice. Oh. So you got all the money from the theatrical release and then probably more, if not the same, from the DVDs a year later or less. Oh, wow.

So it was like double movie time. Ah, that's like the hardback and the paperback with books. Yeah, well, exactly, yeah. And he was saying that that meant that there was not as much pressure on making your nut back from just theater your nut to break even oh okay you're not making a lot of comeback no you're not making any come at all so he does he does he does he just outlies the mass where he's like look the film is 25 million dollars and then it's 50 million dollars to advertise it and then another 25

and he basically you need 100 million dollars a box office to break even and so what kind of movie has gone extinct because of that not necessarily extinct but like it's not big and it might be on a streaming service like a kind of a slow relationship thriller thriller about explores the nature of you know i mean i guess something like uh goodwill hunting wouldn't wouldn't be made now it just is a bit too odd where captain america's not fucking in it so you know yeah unless it's marvel it's not making in it. So, you know. Yeah. Unless it's Marvel. It's not making 100 million at the box office. What was the movie?

There was a specific movie they were referencing. But yeah, you forget. Oh yeah, Matt Damon did a lot of quite artsy films. Yeah, Good Will Hunting and fucking... What's the guy? The clever... The clever janitor? Cleveritor clever traveling boy clever traveling man um the the brilliant mr doofus the brilliant talented mr ripley the brilliant mr doofus that sounds like a fucking david walliams book the brilliant mr doofus

i like clever traveling man That sounds like a fucking David Walliams book. The Brilliant Mr. Doofus. I like Clever Travelin' Man. And I like that Clever Travelin' Man had no G for traveling, either. Clever Travelin' Man! Clever Travelin' Man. He made things like... You know arty films like We Bought a Zoo? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was in Eurotrip, yeah, of course. Eurotrip, was he? Zoo? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in Euro Trip. Yeah, of course. Euro Trip, was he? He's the Scotty Doesn't Know, the shaved head. That's him singing. Oh, okay. How fucked is that? Rainmaker from the 90s.

What was the one they were fucking referencing, though? God, he's done so many films. Behind the Candelabra. Oh, there you go. Yeah, a little romance comedy. Weird weird shit like that that's not from the 90s though no but it is true and it's movies now more about ip than um than stars and i mean so last year ford versus ferrari was one of the movies he's in or something like that and you think oh fuck off cars well so last year the the highest grossing movie in the world was barbie yes do you want to guess what the second highest grossing movie last year was worldwide up up and hymer no you wish i do wish Super Mario Brothers What? Yeah How?

Kids Kids IP Kids and IP It's all IP The two highest grossing movies of last year Were big IP Big adverts But it's also like Bobby and Mario

Together at last They've been IP from I mean what 19 When's Mario? 80s isn't Mario? 80s, isn't it? 80s at least.

Yeah, 80, yeah, it's 80s. So Mario, that's, and Bobby, that's 80s IP.

It's all nostalgia IP. It has to die. It is nostalgia IP, yes. Yeah. Unless it's being like, the infection is being passed to new generations.

Exactly. Well then, you know, in the next decade, it'll be, I don't know what the nostalgia IP will be, then, Metal Gear Solid. That's a bit wishful thinking oh that would be sick what the fuck came around in the in the noughties yeah what's our ip friends like friends is already nostalgia

a big 3d friends avatar adventure fucking toy story is going to be a nostalgia ip soon yeah they're going to have to do toy story where it's all like uh i don't know butt plugs and stuff what adult toy story sex toy story sex toy story you got a friend in me would work but i think it's a little dystopian the two biggest movies the last year were were just ip movies i mean not too long ago it was like fucking Titanic. A movie about people dying on a ship was the highest grossing movie in the world.

Yeah. Just watch, you know that ship that you know sank? Well, watch it happen. It's, um... And now it's, you know... A toy fighting another toy.

That's it. Yeah. A physical toy fighting electronic toys. I mean, sometimes with streaming, though, like the celebrities they can get because they've just got like random investment money

and they don't seem to need to make a profit. I was watching a TV series. You've seen John Wick. Yeah, three. I've seen three of them. Yeah. I haven't seen number four yet. Well, I think that's fine.

I think you've grasped the franchise. Yeah. I get it. I haven't seen number four yet. Well, I think that's fine. I think you've grasped the franchise. Yeah. I get it. I get the idea. I think I understand this man. So you know that they have like the Continental, the hotel. Yes. They just have made a TV series based on like how that's got started.

I know. In the 70s. Yeah. But I was watching it because I was like, oh, this seems like crap that I can put on. I put it on and yeah, all bikes and whatever things are happening. And then Mel Gibson's in it. Wow. Yeah.

There's a bit where the guy's like walking around a party, looking at like waving at tables like, ah, cheers, you know, one of those. And he just goes to the table of what's clearly the big boss. And then the camera sort of goes in a bit and you go hang on is that mel gibson in a spin-off streaming tv series about a one a business within the movie john wick what the fuck is happening but this has the money now it's fucking it's on amazon right yeah yeah this is who has to have the fucking money is the tech companies is who has the fucking money. It's the tech companies.

That's where the big money is going to be spent in movies. But a lot of the money is gone now because of high interest rates. Well. So the reason that money was getting constantly jizzed into any business, into things like Netflix or whatever, is because there was no way of making money off of having money. Because interest was 0.01%. Yeah. Now interest is pretty good

so it's actually better to just sit on your money yeah until you see something that gets you better than seven percent or whatever you're aiming for but still that's going to affect you know all all movie producers all movies but of them is the tech companies that have the all startups all startups everything but like netflix still doesn't make money yeah yeah so like when does that end yeah i've always wondered this about like netflix and u't make money yeah yeah so like when does that end yeah i've always wondered this about netflix and ubers like these lost leaders like when when are you leading towards where are you lost leading to the best um the best um thing i i can't remember the exact wording but it was bill bryson talking about the uk economy and he's just talking about how he doesn't

understand what what did he what it is he says it seems to just be people working at costa coffee or people buying coffee from costa coffee in a sort of insane infinite loop yeah we do coffees and emails that's the whole uk economy is coffees and emails but it doesn't feel like possible it's all services we just provide services to the rest of the world we're like a massive accounting firm on an island where are the things where are the objects there's a there's a me there's amazing a bit and you know eddie peppertone yeah an american comedian he's very like how would you describe that style um sort of acerbic acerbic self-hating cynical old man his nickname was a bitter buddha and he had this bit where he'd read out his tweets in a very... Such an American thing to give a stand-up a nickname. Like he's

a boxer. He'd read out his tweets in this very soft voice about either his tweets or someone else's tweets, about just something completely banal, like something they'd eaten or their yoga that day, and then he'd just

scream at the crowd, WE USED TO WORK THE L. And then he'd just scream at the crowd, we used to work the land! And he'd read another tweet. And that's how I feel about the UK economy. It's like, we used to work the land. Yeah. Now it's just coffees and emails. It's coffees and emails.

And yeah, I mean, clothes for the royal family. Yeah, coffees, emails, anything that has a royal seal on it so yeah malden sea salt marmalade marmalade yeah and um that's salt marmalade and um royal garments yeah new crowns every now and then a new crown. It doesn't feel like we make anything. Not to sound like a guy from Detroit in an American film. We don't make anything. But genuinely, the whole island of the UK, or whatever the islands, yeah, you just think, but where does the money come into the system from? Is it just Dubai? Just into the city of London.

Is it just mad oligarchs city of london it's just mad oligarchs coming and going well i need trustworthy accountants and lots of countries of accountants but the uk is the only country full of enough fucking nerds that they won't even steal any money from me a famously horrible man yeah yeah it is it is puzzling so what does the uk make its money services huh but what do you pay for the services? Money. Okay, but then that money's coming from people also in the country. So where's that money coming from?

What is this loop? They give services. Yeah, exactly. How? It's like if you had a car powered by exhaust. Ah. Where you go, right, but you need fuel to make the exhaust. Yes.

It is a perpetual motion machine. The. It is a perpetual motion machine. The UK economy is a perpetual motion machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's it. We've done it. We've finally figured it out. And it's like, oh, no, you can work at Pret. And you go, yeah, but who goes to Pret? People who work in offices.

Your Pret's just closed. I know. I was walking over here thinking I might get a little snack from Pret here. It's gone. It's like seeing a dead rhino. They have so few natural predators. You think, I kind of forgot they could die house yeah sorry man but it was so it was the shittest of the pretz it was the runt of the litter it was it was a yeah it was a crappy old pret it was open like tuesday to thursday

10 till 3 p. It was crackers. Yeah. Yeah, very, very odd times. The only lazy prat. Speaking of lazy prats, it's probably time to listen to some correspondence. Yes. Letters. Emails.

Phone calls. Your sister. Barfield. Letters. Correspondence. We have a message from... How have they signed off? Robot Moth. Robot Moth?

Yeah, they've been in touch before. They've told us... I think they did a story where they had to poo in a bag. A plastic bag. Okay. Trying to hide it somewhere. This sort of thing seems to happen to them a lot that's a clue about the robot moth has a problem is robot moth doing

these things to send correspondence because i feel guilty if we're encouraging someone to live a bad life yeah like uh the bags a killer who kills to inspire their favorite documentary maker. It's not a bad idea. I thought you'd like this one, boys. A nice mystery for you. Hope you never solve it. Yeah, exactly. This would look great on Netflix.

Carved into someone's head. I gave you all the clues. You could have saved it. Probably for Robert Poole. Directions to the toilet. Robert Mott says, ah bonjour, fill me up about a cup and I can feel it coming in Pierre.

Sorry, it was the only air thing I thought of and I'm tired and ill. I know. Anyway, there was this thing about the piss. There was this thing about the piss There was this thing about the piss Okay Yeah It's a great way to start a story

Anyway So this thing about the piss Yeah yeah yeah It's quite like a Tarantino Ah Cold open Yeah yeah yeah

So this thing Was that a hot open? No wait Cold open When they're just in the middle of it No no no That's Oh piss

There's a special name for it Oh interesting When you just start in the middle of it no no um that's it's oh piss there's a special name for it oh interesting when you just start in the middle of the action i love that it's my favorite this is gonna bug me sorry everyone a scene that starts in the middle of the action what is it oh in media res oh well that's quite hard to remember in media res in media res. Oh, well, that's quite hard to remember. In media res. In media res. Oh, in media. Oh, what's res then? In media, in middle of... Of scene.

Res. Resolution. Medium resolution. Is it like resolution? Like you resolve at the end? There's a resolution at the end of the scene? In the middle of things. Into the middle of things.

Ah. In media res. Yes. There's a resolution at the end of the scene? In the middle of things Into the middle of things Ah In media res Yes Yes Okay so R in media res is So this thing about the piss So this piss thing Yeah

I recently had to water a friend's garden Not like that Stop jumping to pissclusions Which I don't That doesn't work No But I like it When you pissclusions. That doesn't work. No, but I like it.

When you pissclude, you make a piss out of loo and dee. Whilst he was away on hauls with his partner, lording it up around Barcelona. It was baking hot and he had thousands of plants. So I knew I would be there for two or three hours a couple of times that week. That's a big ask. Oh man, I had to water someone's plants, not in that way, for a few days.

It's at least two hours. You think how long it's going to take to water some plants? A long time. I mean, the crucial factor is how many plants they have. Also, do you have to stop and get the right instructions for each one? A little bit. I mean, for the most part, plants want water.

Just get the soil damp. But filling up... It's the back and forth of filling up the jug. Yeah, yeah. Because it's not like you have a big backpack flamethrower. You don't have an inside hose. Or do you? Apparently, men's piss is very good for plants.

Is it? It's got the right amount of phosphates in. Wow, plants are sexist. Plants are sexist. How about that? It's because they're both plants. Most of them. Oh.

They've got the male and female parts in one plant. Sexy. So they can afford to be sexist in any direction at once. Ah, yes. Poopy la la. On the Tuesday, I finished work, working from home, and walked to their place.

He said, have a drink from our lavish and well-stocked drinks cupboard. He's a manager at a well-known fancy supermarché, so he has a discount on many fancy boozes. Ooh. So after I got the hose going outside In a prime spot Not like that

Is that safe to just leave the hose running To water a whole area Yeah that doesn't sound right Maybe I had a couple of snifters and hung out in the kitchen I did what most people do in my friend's house I drank their booze, I looked at my phone And I went through all their cupboards and picked my nose

Pick my nose It's a good montage um it's weird being in their kitchen without their dog around but he was also away and so were they saying saying the dog is away is the way of describing oh the dog's away he had to get away from it all so the dog's away he's in florence at the moment. The dog's doing... He calls it a wanderjager. What's that? A wandering year. Oh, like a rumspringer.

Sort of, but it's the original gap year, a wanderjager. Ah! Before you became a master in a sort of Heidelberg university, you would wander around as a wandering scholar around Europe. Oh, nice. Like a grand tour. Yeah. I spent a lovely evening

relaxing while I watered his plethora of plants and I saw a toad in the greenhouse and dragonflies on the pond and then I needed a wee. A toad in the greenhouse? This sounds like a pretty lush home. I knew their bathroom was upstairs. They've nearly moved in and they're renovating.

But I felt weird going upstairs while they were away. I crept up, feeling weirdly sneaky, even though it was totally fine. Now desperate for a wee. I got to the loo, and it was full of blue paper towels. Huh. Oh, like in a bar. Like those rough old hand ones. Yeah.

It's like when you spill something in a bar, someone gets the big old blue. Someone sighs and gets a massive blue towel thing out. I'm just going to put something under the laptop because it's going, it's very upset. There we go. Yeah, the laptop's just... It's just farting hot air into a pillow.

No way for it to get out. As we all have. So basically, yes, I was too scared to use this loo in case the blue paper blocked it. Ah, yes. They don't seem very soluble, those blue guys. And I imagined my friends coming back a few days later to water their plant. Or they're coming back and it's all mush and rubble. Yuck.

So I held it, turned off the hose on the plants and rushed home wow cut to thursday after work again i'm straight over there to their place and it's baking hot and uh basically the whole thing happens again turns on the hose needs the toilet there's only blue bar roll so it goes home. Yeah, well, up to a point. Okay. Otherwise, I wouldn't mention it if it happened again. Yeah. Suddenly need to wee again. Need to wee, re-remember the blocked toilet.

And, ah, can't go home because I had forgotten my home keys. Oh. Cycled over with no keys. Ay, caramba. So I'm faced with a situation of needing to pee in a house with no toilet. The house is terraced, and so the garden is overlooked, so that's not an option. And I feel weird going upstairs. So the kitchen is obviously the best

viable option. I'm not a maniac, though, so I'm not sitting in the sink. So I think, I'll find a really big mug, and I'll wee in that, and empty it in the sink, and wash it down, and no one will know. That's Sports Direct. Sports Direct, yeah. Sorted.

I get the mug and I start to wee, only I'm in shorts and it's not really working pulling them to one side. And I have a knee problem so I can't squat. So I finally, oh god, okay, so I fully strip off and then begin a massive wee into a mug. Fully? Why is he taking his top off? She. She? Yeah. Oh, I missed that. It's it was this squatting sorry robot moth is a lady oh the female of the species yes um i feel the utter relief of the massive weir and i'm just relaxing when for some reason in the corner of my eye i noticed

something i've never noticed before it is is a ring camera. Of course. Pointing at her ring. Yeah, it's a double ring camera. They usually use it to watch their dog. Oh boy. I immediately stop pissing and pull my shorts on. And I ran out into the garden whispering, oh no, oh god, oh no.

I'm texting my my HB. Happy boyfriend? My happy boyfriend? What? HB. Husband? Is it husband? Husband?

Is this like Mumsnet slang? You know, they've got all their own abbreviations because they've got such specific chat on there. Yeah, HB must be husband. Yeah, I guess. I only know happy birthday otherwise. I'm texting my happy birthday in panic, saying I've just cam-pissed live.

I'm googling how wide the field of view is on a ring door camera, and I'm blushed bright red. If one of the neighbours saw me, they'd think I was having a heart attack, and the pit of my stomach just falls. No, no, no! I realise I must text my friend. He's a very close friend I've known for 20 years,

but at 42 years old and pissing on my own shorts on camera and then scuttling away, I suddenly feel very vulnerable. I send a WhatsApp. Okay, you have a camera in your kitchen, and I may or may not have taken my shorts off in there. Please delete. That's not nice to have to send a text that says, please delete that's not nice to have to send a text that says please delete but

also i think a very clever um uh selection of information there yes i've taken off my shorts no lies be enough no lies yeah no lies yet what happened after i took off my shorts shouldn't even worry a fine gentleman yeah it shouldn Yeah, it shouldn't be necessary. I panic and fall into cold sweats as the hose sprinkles water over the dailies. This cannot be happening. Then as I see he's not picking up the message, I realize a whole new fear. His husband, who is so lovely and wholesome, but who I don't know very well at all. Hal also has access to the camera.

Oh, God. I envisage him on the beach laughing with their cultured beautiful friends and then suddenly there's an alert on their phone. Oh, because they can watch this remotely? Yes. Oh fuck. They don't have to come back and see it. They're watching it on Hollybobs. Oh god.

Oh, it's the ring camera. Wait, what? And then there's me, pissing into one of their mugs, facing the camera. Oh, she was facing it oh god literally bum to cam would have been 100 less awful it doesn't do stupid expressions i don't know about that yeah i think would you rather have someone see your stupid face enjoying a massive piss crouch down or see your like spread bum as you kind of crouch i mean i'd rather see my bum which is why people turn away to we.

Yeah. So as not to face God. Yeah, but I think I wouldn't want my splayed asshole to be visible. If that's the option then I'd want to be facing them. It's not easy.

No. Life isn't easy. Makes Death Row look like nothing Yeah Those choices And he's like And what if he sees that and thinks Oh my god I'm calling the police

So now I'm sending loads of messages to my friend To somehow try and explain the mess And then I'm calling frantically with no response And in panic I tweeted to somehow make it better Oh tweeted about it Don't do that Hmm I get brave and go back into the kitchen

the crime scene I nonchalantly acknowledge the camera neck a glass of their wine and run away again what don't you've just lost your mind

at this point um eventually I get a text to tell me they've been on the beach with no signal and he said whatever happens

they never watch it anyway but also not to worry is the camera is live view only oh so it doesn't record unless they set it to ah oh They never watch it anyway. But also not to worry is the camera is live view only. Oh. So it doesn't record unless they set it to. Ah. Oh, relief, sweet relief. I have no idea if this is true.

Oh, yeah. You can imagine them sitting watching the videos going, don't worry, don't worry, there's just live view. We don't even have a signal. Why would we ever have some sort of enormous archive of footage that we like to peruse? Why on earth would we intentionally make all our toilets blocked and turn on the cameras? Why would we hide all the keys to the toilet if we didn't want this exact thing to happen? You've given us the greatest gift of all. Yeah.

Well, good ending. Yeah, I'm glad you got away with it, Robot Moth. I wonder if you did any more Wii's after that, knowing that Just to show off. Yeah, it would never be discovered. Unless now they're like, maybe we should watch it live for the next five minutes.

Yeah, just check in. Just check in on all the weeing if if if you if you texted someone p.s saying oh i've just been caught on taking my shorts off on camera when i see you've done the full we and then they they return going oh why do you take your shorts off in the kitchen? What were you saying? Oh, they say, wait, why? Yeah, why did you take your shorts off in the kitchen? I got changed. Okay. I got changed into my watering your garden clothes, mate. Yeah, that's a good one.

Nice. Now I know what to say. Now you know what to say when you take... And we got a quick one from Loren. Loren, is she foreign? No problem if so. With both hands raised. No problem if so.

The email is titled The John Lewis Incident. Oh. That sounds like an episode of an old detective show. Or a cool band. Ah, The John Lewis Incident. That'd be a quite good band name. It is a good band show. Or a cool band. Ah, the John Lewis incident. That'd be a quite good band name. It is a good band name. Hello, gents.

Hi. I've been putting off sending this email for a while, as I wasn't sure how to put my disgust into words. The tale begins as a love story. Girl meets boy. Boy asks girl to move in with him. Girl and boy venture to John Lewis to purchase tasteful crockery As you must

As one must If you are an actual couple We used to have Facebook official Now we have John Lewis official Yeah, that's it On this long visit to the department store Attempting to decide which plates were most us I felt the sudden urge to wee.

Uh-huh. Lady Wees this week. John Lou Wees. John Lou Wees. John Lou Wees. Of course. He was there the whole time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Dan Brown. The John. There's also a toilet. The John Lou Wees. Oh, my God. The whole business is a toilet. I feel like I'm in a Darren Brown novel. Dan Brown.

Dan Brown novel, Darren Brown. Has Darren Brown written novels? He's written lots of books about how I'm a hypnotist and a liar or whatever. Right. No, I don't think he's written a novel. Or maybe he has and he's made us all forget. Ooh. I felt a sudden urge to wee

I headed up the escalators leaving my boyfriend behind On my arrival to the ladies I was met with the foulest Stomach churning stench Other shoppers were reacting to the smell However no one had seemed to identify the source This is not even in the toilet yet This is like

This is where people are standing waiting for cubicles. It's a lady cube. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. Remember, we're in lady land now where nothing works. We're in lady land where everything is strange. And people spend ages in the loo because they're hidden away. Whereas if you spend ages at the urinal, you're exposed.

That's my theory. Well, isn't it also that it's just a much more involved situation if you're a lady? If you're a guy, you can just walk up to the ear and unzip and wee and zip out. Look, if you're wearing like a jumpsuit with like seven bras on or something, I don't know. Like, yeah, okay. But I have done my own experiments, Phil. Yeah. And when I have sit-down wees.

Oh, yeah. I'm on my phone. I fuck about. Oh, yeah. I'm patting my knees. Yeah. I'm looking around. I'm reading all the graffiti. Yeah. Yeah'm looking around. I'm reading all the graffiti.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like visiting an art gallery. Yeah. So I think it just takes longer. It's an immersive experience. If you're standing completely exposed in a room of other men with your dick out pissing, you don't want to linger.

No, lest you pick up a nickname. Lest you become the urinal lingerer. you pick up a nickname. Lest you become the urinal lingerer. So everyone else is reacting to the smell, but no one knows where it's coming from. I looked into their eyes as I waited for a free cubicle, searching for the wobbly look

of a shameful shitter. Who leaving has done this? Also, it's quite a smell for it to be like you know chimneying out of the top of the cubicle. Like they've selected a new stinky pope. Yeah, yeah.

It was then that an elderly woman bashfully pushed open the door of an empty cubicle and gasped in horror. Yes. I thought she meant from the inside Like she's bashfully going It was me No but she's opening one Maybe I'll look in here Everyone hovering not sure if the cubicle's free So she pushes it open

Oh gracious Gaffs and horror Other shoppers gathered and reacted to the overwhelming order This was much more than some smelly skins Once a path had cleared Out of the way I'm a doctor and horror. Other shoppers gathered and reacted to the overwhelming order. This was much more than some smelly skins. Once a path had cleared... Out of the way! I'm a doctor! Police!

Once a path had cleared, I went to investigate myself. On opening the door, I was met with a scene of horror. Liquid shit and blood. Wow! Coated the toilet and the seat. Oh! Blood! Oh, blood! Oh my god! Someone's killed this Poe! Someone has murdered this Poe!

This Poe was someone's family! Before I had the chance to utter the words, What the fuck? The duty manager rushed in with a comically large red barrier bearing the word, Hygiene. Oh god. And a yellow cleaning in progress sign. I should hope so. Christ. rushed in with a comically large red barrier bearing the word hygiene. Oh, God. And a yellow cleaning in progress sign. I should hope so.

Christ. I headed back downstairs to my partner, witnessing members of staff react to the disgusting news on their walkie-talkies. Like the fucking Secret Service. Code red. Code brown. The eagle has landed just sprinting. The eagle has exploded.

The eagle has landed, just sprinting. The eagle has exploded. The eagle has burst. On reaching my boyfriend, I whispered, we need to leave. Oh. We need to leave. On reflection, this may have made me seem like the culprit. Yeah, that sounds very suspicious. Yeah, why leave?

Buy your plates. Buy your plates? Walk slowly and buy your plates. Hey, lady, why leave? Buy your plates. Buy your plates. You didn't fucking explode. We quickly purchased our crockery,

and I informed the cashier that I had seen what had happened in the toilets, and she said she, quote, wasn't surprised. Oh. I haven't returned to the toilets since and have struggled to delete the file image from my mind. On a lighter note, please see attached some old-timey songbook covers I feel that would lend themselves nicely to Phil's classic cro classic crooning well why wasn't the cashier surprised i think it

happens in john lewis alone exploded shit and blood people just like letting themselves down oh my god you forget how many people walking around who in your head you go well i'm normal and they look normal so they're normal they're not they're this like boiling fucking pod of shit and piss and they they're mad they're actually mad They're not. They're this like boiling fucking pod of shit and piss. And they're mad. They're actually mad. Awful. It's the same thing like, you know, when you're in a shop or in a cafe and someone's just being normal.

And then they're suddenly being mad. Yeah. Or you overhear them saying mad shit to the coffee, to the barista. Yeah. I mean, seconds ago, I thought you were normal. I thought you were normal seconds ago. Now you're saying, can I read the label on all the coffee bags, please? You know, can I grind it myself? You're asking for mad nonsense.

You're mad. So what can I croon? Toot your horn, kid. You're in a fog. Toot your horn, kid. You're in a fog. Yeah. Yeah, so it's got a picture of a car.

Two old-timey cars. One's going honk, honk. Into the songbooks. Toot your horn, kid. You're in a fog. you're in a fog. You're in a fog. Say, young fella, where'd you get that girl? Say, young fella, where'd you get that girl?

Oh, yeah. I imagine there's one in the songs. And it's got horrible cartoons on. These are great phrases. Take your finger out of your mouth. I want a kiss from you. And the drawing is a guy just pointing at a woman yeah hey and he's like uh he looks like a little he looks like um

who's that weird character who the the so he looks a bit like betty boop he looks like betty boop but who's that modern guy he's still alive he only died the other day he died this this in the last year. Andy's Funhouse or something. And he had like, smoothed down hair and wore a suit and... Oh, yeah. You know the fucking guy.

Yeah, I know the guy. Yeah. Take your finger out of your mouth. I want a kiss from you. What a weird thing to say to someone. I guess they mean like a finger in the mouth in a flirty way.

Right. It's also like, I don't want to... It's not I want to kiss you. It's I want to kiss from you you i want to kiss from you i want to kiss from you wow creepy um well thank you lauren thank you lauren and robot moth for your peepee stories and thank you all for listening and being our friends but we're now off to the um the patreon john lewis the patreon's only john lewis yeah yeah if you'd like to join us become a patron Today!

Otherwise we'll see you next time Once again I'm in Northampton On the 20th of Feb London Apollo On the 23rd of Feb If you're in either of those places come along Easter! I'm at London Soho Theatre over Easter Look at my Instagram for details

Nice But until then bye bye