BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 253 - Squatting Man, Wooden Dragon

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

The lads discuss Chinese New Year, the motivational shines of the human body and cavemen, Phil has beef homework, Phoebe "the shining one" sends in boy tat and Tamsin sends us Dr Famous Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod253. 253? Who am... Who are me? Who am me? Who am me? The age-old philosophical question. Who am me?

As... Yeah, who said that? Farticles. Farticles and uh and popa popa to popa to plato doesn't rhyme with anything puto puto puto puto puto said who am i what what what poopy philosophers are they Nietzsche um I need a list of philosophers in front of me hang on um John

Smith is that one there's one guy just called John Smith right that that that always blows my mind when someone called like John Smith is famous for anything you just think wow you must have been really great so difficult to wow I've heard a lot

John Locke, John Plopp John Plopp, yeah Thomas Aquinas oh very good, perfect there we go, now we're cooking now we're cooking John Rawls John Balls, not Poop Balls cooking yeah now now we're cooking uh john rolls john balls not poop balls you know um bum fuchsius

bum fuchsius yeah compusius it'd be compusius compusius uh compusius wow there are so many ancient Greek ones that you think never... Oh, Arcesilaus. Arselaus? Arselaus? Arselaus. Allow us some arse. Alcmaeon of Croton. And you just think, well, what did you say? Alcmaeon of Scrotum? Of Scrotum?

Scrotum of Scrotum. Well, Roger Scrotum, Roger Scrutotum roger scruton who's roger scruton um he is a right-wing uh guy who is very popular in the former soviet bloc because he was very like free hungary free czechoslovakia from soviet he's like a margaret thatcher flavored philosopher right political um cleomedes i've never heard of any of these people crates of thebes and yeah they had a load dude the ancient greeks had a fucking load dude this is like finding out like this is like finding out that there were 17 ninja turtles this is like when i found out how many... Wait. 17?

Yeah, but that's what it's like. Oh, right. I thought you said that she was 17. Wait, what? My whole life's been a lie. Yeah, Phil, in the extended universe, there's... The rest of the Ninja Turtles are all named after Dutch painters.

It's very... But honestly... Yeah, once you get onto Van Dyke, he can't do very much. He just like... He's just quite good at punching. Honestly, once you get onto Van Dyke, he can't do very much. He's just quite good at punching. Yeah, they're really running out of weapons. They just go, a musket, another musket.

I don't know. But the thing is, the way IP is rung to its very last drop these days. I think it's completely believable that you can find a TV show or comic series where there are 17 Ninja Turtles. Depressingly, you're right. You weren't crazy to think it. The world was crazy to do it. I think, yeah.

So what was my philosophy? Who am I? Who am I? I think, therefore, I am. so uh what was most of my philosophy who am me who am me i think therefore i i am that was um to to try to uh to uh french one french one who's a french one descartes descartes it was defart that was defart yeah who am me was defart who am me he's the he was the stupidest man in France. He was very famous.

He was very celebrated for his stupidity. Now, what was the point of, I think, the 4AM? That the proof of life, of sentience, was the ability to think? The proof of sentience was the ability ability to question sentience like you're you're the proof is in itself like you're already the very fact that you're asking means that you right i see right i don't know philosophy is and and the two things that always broke my brain more than well not more than anything else but i a lot of philosophy and a lot of economics makes my brain feel very hot yeah it feels like i'm a computer almost rendering an image like i feel

like i'm almost there i've just got a few more pixels to work out but i my graphics card isn't up to it yeah i always feel like i can understand it when someone explains it to me for as long as I can hold the water in my hands. Like they've given me understanding is water and I'm holding it in my hands. Oh, thank you. I see. And then as I walk out the building, it just goes. And it's just out my hands. And I don't know again.

It always feels like you should be able to hold water in your hand indefinitely. But you never can. You never can. Something goes wrong wrong how did anyone drink water before cups it's meant that our do you think that the human human humans are lucky and that our bodies were just shit enough like if there were any better we wouldn't have invented all the stuff that made us the top species on earth that's a good point we wouldn't have had as many need need for as many objects that's i reckon if we could cut water on our hands we'd still be wandering around in loincloths because it wouldn't have kicked off all all ingenuity if our hand could just be a be a

really good cup yeah that's it if our hand could be a if our left if our left hand could be a really good cup. Yeah, that's it. If our left hand could be a really good cup and if our right hand, we could throw a spear as good as you can shoot an arrow. Yeah. Or if our right hand was just a very hard rock, like a rhino's foot, and you could just kill something instantly

the way other animals can kill things instantly with their bodies, then we'd still be out wandering the plains yeah maybe how there must be a name for this theory a theory of like what would you call it goldilocks shitness point the goldilocks shit body point yeah yeah our bodies are just shit enough motivational dissatisfaction ah motivational sub-optimization yes yes yes yes this yeah because it needs to be improved and that's the inciting uh uh incident yes and if we were too waterproof we wouldn't have had clothes or shelter as easily as necessarily that's it man i think this is a good theory if our digestive

systems were more sturdy we probably wouldn't need to like cook food yeah yeah yeah yeah i i still find it really funny that like one of the best ways to hunt if you were a early man was just to walk after something because it wouldn't be startled no so like um all oh yeah all animals like well deer or whatever they're built for sprinting not for not for like marathons not yeah not for stamina yeah exactly so they have very little stamina they just move in bursts that's why everything just sleeps all day um and then moves in these great big bursts and and like you see so many footage like how often in documentaries have you seen lions just go oh fuck it and just like stop chasing the gazelle yeah you can see them just the the calculation of the calories they might get just dropping compared to how many

they're using by sprinting and they just go and they just go back to sleep or when like or when like a water buffalo is just overcome by lions and doesn't even try anymore you're like come on give it a go but it's just so exhausted it's been running for so long already but also it's been running for let's face it four minutes that's the thing it's been running for four minutes or whatever it's just it just dies but that's that's why humans are so good because we can maintain a light jog for two days and that eventually the some of the antelope are just going to have heart attacks and go just be dead just fall over i mean sheep die from heart attacks from dogs being nearby it happens you know yeah yeah so it's really funny that it's like well obviously it's cool to invent the bow and the spear but we just need to like walk after deer like a horror movie character like from the deer's

point of view we're like it follows or like the terminator just walking yeah he's calmly walking towards it every time i turn around this guy in a loincloth's just there just walking rubbing his stomach and pointing walking and walking yeah yeah that's it that's it and then you forget how much food is in like a deer, right? Like you look at it and you go, yeah, but how much meat is there in an antelope? And then you think about the size of like a fucking jamon leg, iberico. Jamon iberico, those big pig legs. That's like fucking 30 kilograms or something.

Yeah. That's just the leg. If there's a piece of beef on my plate the size of my fist, I always think, I'm going to still be so hungry after this. And by the end of it, I'm like, I can't eat anything else for the rest of my life.

Yeah. Meat is actually very filling. A whole animal. Can you imagine bringing home an entire boar to your tribe? Oh man, you sorted for like a week. Yeah. Must have felt great.

Everyone's going to feel so fat and farty and sweaty for like a week. Just the whole tribe sitting around, just crippled by meat sweats. Yeah. Yum. Man. It's a friend of mine. Well, my friend's brother, I guess. He's kind a a friend of mine well my friend's brother i guess um like is like he's kind of a farmer he he bought some pigs he had some pigs for for fun yep he wasn't a pig farmer but they

bought three pigs because they had some some land where they were trying to turn it into more they were trying to plant trees and stuff so they thought well we'll plant trees and they'll grow and then when they're a bit grown we'll get pigs to to live in like the orchard and things like that right anyway so they got these pigs and they built them like a little shed to live in and stuff and then um eventually they decided to they would slaughter one of the pigs right yeah so they took the pig and like the pig pigs are so big now like i met the pig and i'm a big guy and if i wanted to i couldn't get the pig in a headlock like their necks are so big and like if i wanted to get the pig in a headlock and be like look at look look who it is and give him like a

little noogie i couldn't even i could probably get like halfway or something. Like it's so big. And they took him to the abattoir and got them turned into meat, you know? And they had to, they, they had to go on Gumtree and find a second chest freezer. Woof. Just for the meat.

It was just like, they didn't expect it. They were just like, well, I don't know. I guess there's a lot of waste and stuff. And they were like, no,

here are 400 sausage. Like, it's just insane. Like They were just like, well, I don't know. I guess there's a lot of waste and stuff. And they were like, no, here are 400 sausages. Like, it's just insane. They were literally like, please do you want sausages to everyone they knew? Yeah, there's a lot of stuff on them. Oh, man. Pierre, I don't know how else to say this. There's a reason we eat the meats we eat. There's a reason we eat the meats we eat from the reason we eat the meat that we eat from the tops of their head to the tips of their feet there's a lot of meat on an animal that's complete

there's a reason we eat the meats we eat whether it goes moo or cheap or oink or bleat there you go all the noise is covered finishing a pig is quite the feat there's a reason we eat the meat we eat man i'm hungry now And I wish I was a caveman sometimes. I had some steak for lunch because our friend and manager, Julian, very kindly got me for my birthday a steak subscription. And for the first, I guess this happens every month now and for this first installment i have two kilos of sirloin oh two kilos jesus i use some to make uh oh happy chinese new year bt way yes yeah but for chinese new year dinner with my sisters i made some beef and kailan a delicious chinese dish sliced up some uh beef for that, cooked it in that.

This for lunch today, I sliced up three steaks and chopped them up and had them with leftover tepoki. And I haven't made a dent in this sirloin. And this is a small part of a cow. I've got so much, I've had to freeze it. I can't get through it. I can't eat this much beef. I can't do it. It's so much i've had to freeze it i can't i can't get through it i can't eat this much beef i can't do it it's so much beef it's such a fucking like monkey's pork gift as well where

it's like you're you're it's such a nice gift but it's like now you have beef homework beef homework and a vegetarian girlfriend pierre i have a vegetarian girlfriend i have to invite the guys over to eat this fucking beef. That sounds like an old fashioned phrase or something. Let's just say I got a freezer full of beef and a vegetarian girlfriend. Know what I'm saying?

It does feel like a Greek curse. You have all this lovely meat and no one to eat it with. Now you have to eat it. Yes, well, gong hai fat chow, is that it? Gong hai fat choy is Cantonese. Gong si fat chai is Mandarin. Aha, well, whichever, I guess the Cantonese,

I know more Cantonese speaking people. Most of our listeners, I imagine, will respond to Gong Hei Fatsoi. Yeah, I would imagine so. Gong Hei Fatsoi. Year of the Wooden Dragon. Yeah, Year of the Wooden Dragon, that's right. Which is a good porn star name. Or Dragonwood.

Or nickname. Yeah, Dragonwood. he's dragonwood everywhere dragonwood all over the place i am what does it mean phil tell us tell us some uh as as a as a white person i have to ask my chinese friend to tell me asian secrets and i have to google it meaning because we live in the real world yeah what does it mean i don't know what what year was i i used to know this people born during the year of the dragon are said to be naturally charismatic and gifted so dragon is a good one. It's very special to be born in the year of the dragon. Oh, okay. To the point that I think Chinese people will sort of

pressure young Chinese women to have their kids in the year of the dragon. It's like, do it, do it, do it. If you're going to have it, have it now. As a result, they're said to make great leaders because they aren't afraid to go after what they want. Oh.

Yeah. Which animal are you? I'm snake. Earth snake. Earth snake is pretty good. The year of the wood dragon will potentially bring good luck you don't say good luck in china chinese new year um particularly for people who intend to start a business you don't say business this would be a great bit you should do this as a bit

wow you don't say this chinese new year means good luck for business people wow i would never thought the chinese would be interested in good luck for business. It's never a great year to start a theater company. Wood dragons tend to be intelligent, attractive, and are universally liked. But you know,

this is what I always think about. Michael Palin. Oh yeah. Let's see what year, what year, what Michael Palin, if let's see what you what you what Michael Palin if this is if he's yeah yeah the dragon I'll lose my shit oh if that's accurate if he's a wooden dragon zodiac ah he was water goat oh what a goat yeah

he's the goat he's the goat yeah that's it and I'm trying to look up Chinese What a goat. Yeah, he's the goat. He's the goat. Yeah, that's it. I'm going to try to look up Chinese year. What the hell am I? Oh, I'm a metal goat. Metal goat. Oh, my younger sister is metal rat. Well, that was the... We talked about this at...

I think like episode three or something, wasn't it, we talked about like the heavy metal Metal Rat Or was it Metal Pig We had some band that we were talking about What does that mean about me Oh no no no I, I, oh no because the years aren't exactly the same So I'm a metal horse

You're a metal horse I'm a metal oh yeah because yeah you're right after me so i was on the cusp of snake and horse which apparently makes me a little snake yeah that doesn't seem to make sense i'm a little earth snake a worm basically well the chinese zodiac has a special one just for the one day you were born and it's fucking worm day. It's a special day where all the fucking worms were born. And it's only for that year.

And it's only for that year and they introduced it because they knew you were coming and then they shut it down and now it's normal again you're a fucking worm yeah yeah no good for you your businesses suck yeah all your business sucks and you never have good luck in your business oh wow okay yeah uh chinese zodiac metal horse uh friendly and up i'm friendly and upbeat phil yeah i think that scans i can be too direct and frank at times causing harm to others without knowing it oh yeah that's just autism i was

gonna say the chinese knew my autism yeah they're so close to diagnosing autism in ancient China. It's like, yeah, they can't really maintain eye contact, have special interests, don't know when they've made a faux pas. I guess kind of like if a goat was made of metal. I don't know. It's on the tip of my tongue. Let's just go with metal goat for now. And we'll work on it.

I'm not sure what animal it is, but they're definitely metal. That's what this chart says. They're going to have good luck in business as long as it's something called coding. We don't know what that is yet. Yes. They place a high importance on love and need a partner who can put up with their flaws that's true of everyone isn't it yeah i mean that's the the genius of all zodiacs is a kind

of cold reading where one can apply to pretty much everyone yeah this sounds pretty good i prefer this website's mad um fiction about who i am the metal horse is determined by the irrepressible urge for freedom as well as an iron will yeah great what does it mean that you're a fucking worm okay so my worm one uh let's see, let's see, let's see. Oh, here we go. The Earth Snake is a delightful, entertaining, and marvelous person. They are careful with all their work

and approach everything in a sensible, level-headed way. I mean, this is pretty bang on so far. Yeah, I mean, that just sounds like obsessive compulsion. But yeah, basically. They do not like to be pushed into making any decisions. My number of unread emails will be testament to that. Yeah. They're very skilled in dealing with money, thank you,

and are great investors. Incorrect! Things lose value the second I put any money in them, but the rest of that is pretty bang on. Yeah, well, maybe they mean great investors in terms of like frequency of attempts wow he's still going he's a prolific investor he's made a lot of money he's a prolific investor he's one of our most enthusiastic poker players okay all right interesting honestly if i ever want to put money in something and you know about it short whatever

it is well being wrong 100 of the time is the same as being right 100 of the time that's true yeah yeah that's true i'm just yeah i'm betting on the wrong the wrong side you should you should start to think of something if you look at something and you go oh that's interesting you should immediately go for the opposite yes yeah but then which one was but then which one was the actual uh authentic bet that i was going to make. Ah, this sounds like a Defart question. According to Chinese zodiac signs, people born near the snake are compatible with dragons and rooster signs.

Okay. Let's see who horse compatibility. Yeah, who am I allowed to be friends with in the barnyard? Sheep. Metal horse. Sheep, tiger, and rabbit. Is that right? Yeah, you are well matched to sheep, tiger, and rabbit signs.

I don't really know enough about my social group to assess that. What is a metal horse? I can read about this on thesun.co.uk. What the fuck are they? It's just clicks now, isn't it? Everything is just clicks. I'm going to look up famous people with the horse Zodiac

like you. Okay. Zodiac killer? Oh, it's quite the mix. Gre thunberg yeah autism again they've predicted that very well clint eastwood i mean he's got uh he he serves autism he's autism coded yeah well he doesn't make eye contact because he's always squinting in the cowboy movies although if he really he's always squinting bother if he really was autistic he would know how many bullets were left in the gun well he would he would point the gun at dirty harry would point the revolver and say there's one bullet left and then just shoot him

in the head yeah i would love an action movie called autistic harry i guess that's just the movie the accountant oh that's yeah i've not seen the counter have you seen the accountant is it just a guy who can keep track of his his fire rate very accurately he the the whole thing with the accountant is that he's he's an autistic kid who got raised by like a sort of crazed extremely militaristic father like a survivalist dad is that the story it's a fun action movie and he's he's basically like a dark accountant nice so he does a lot of accounting for like triads and stuff right right right yeah i get that yeah it's a fun it's a fun. It's one of the very few action movies where the action hero is autistic.

So it's got that going for it. Did they flat out say he's autistic? Oh, fuck yeah. Why, nice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they do a pretty good job of depicting it. I mean, given that it's an action movie. Other You're the Horse people.

Jimi Hendrix. Okay. That's a bit of a diversion. Harrison Ford. Joe Biden. Joe Biden? Joe Biden. Joe Biden's Year of the Horse.

Let's see. He was actually the first ever Year of the Horse. He came up with that. Cindy Crawford. Neil Armstrong. Ooh. up with that cindy crawford neil armstrong oh famous snake zodiac so these are my guys copernicus who i've got copernicus and girther and god whoa is gandhi a delightful marvelous entertainer i guess so yeah in some ways picasso is a snake franklin roosevelt john f kennedy audrey hepburn i've got a pretty glitzy a glitzy collection of people clint eastwood is a metal horse as well because he's of course he is yeah metal yeah um it it sounded there Phil like you were going through

a series of grudges you had Gandhi he's a snake JFK's a snake a lot of celebrity grudges Sean Connery metal horse there's a bunch Steve McQueen

Warren Buffett now he can make an investment that guy There's a bunch. Steve McQueen, Warren Buffett. Now he can make an investment, that guy. Well, yeah, but he's no earthworm. How much, when you were growing up, how much Chinese Zodiac chat was that? You had a bit of Chinese medicine going on. Quite a lot. I mean, we talked about it.

Yeah, I mean, but it's with the cousins we talk about it for sure then obviously around new year's it's a pretty much of the forefront of everyone's thinking yeah uh yeah like it really does matter what the animal is all the decorations have the animal in it so all the so the the the all all of town gets covered in the chinese Year celebration because Malaysia is so multicultural. There's always some festival that has its decorations up. So like the joke in Malaysia is, you know, the picture will be like 25th of December and it's like Santa's grotto and snow everywhere.

26th of December, Chinese pagodas, lanterns everywhere. Because like literally one festival's down the next one comes up and so but then if it's year of the dragon then i mean they will have gone to town with dragon decks because that's like the ideal animal for decorations because you can wrap it around everything i guess you could yeah too i mean i like i'm thinking of a snake as a dragon that can't fly. That's all. But yeah, so the dragons will be very much part of the celebration. And of course, dragon dances are part of every Chinese New Year.

So they'll be particularly significant this year. Well, I was going to say, yeah, it's kind of every year. Even if it's a nice horse party for me, the dragons still, they're like, yeah. Like it's still invited. it's still kind of taking the glamour away the the dragon dance was always kind of a come down after the lion dances lion dancers are amazing lion dances like genuine feats of athleticism and the dragon dance is just a long bit of paper on a stick, really. Yeah, that's true. I always wonder about the lion, where it's like,

well, what lions were they talking about? Yeah, that's hard to know, because they look a lot like the lions that are on Chinese sculptures. You're like, is that a lion? It looks like a big dog. There's lions in India. Oh, there were. Oh, yeah. So maybe that's the one that they're talking about. I don't know if

there were ever any in China itself. Maybe. But it's like medieval stuff in England where they just go, a lion! And it's this insane, like you say, big dog. Angry dog. Yeah. And you sort of think, yeah, I guess it's an angry dog, kind of.

That's the hardest. How else are we going to explain it to you? Oh, I should say say i posted about it on my instagram where you can see the images and stuff but i'm busy reading a great book about misophonia oh yeah so you post about it it's very good it's it's not a book just like about it it is about it but it's also a kind of manual for like techniques for dealing with it and oh that's good it's sort of therapeutic manual it's the kind of book an example can you give us an example of one of the techniques yeah so you just have to try and tell yourself a different story about why the sound is happening like change the context

oh yeah this is like the uh um what's his face david uh not sudaris david uh uh Old Bandana guy Huh? Not Sidoris David Foster Wallace Yeah David Foster Wallace Always imagine The best possible reasoning For an annoying person To be doing the annoying thing It's vulnerable to logic as well I mean that's why

I no longer mind Slurping as much In like Ramen restaurant Okay Yeah Because otherwise You just eat a bunch of

You just eat a bunch of Plain noodles No because it's like Pragmatic physically Oh right I'm happy to be like well i don't like this culture i i just mean that like otherwise you just eat a bunch of plain noodles then you drink a liter of soup like it's such a worse combo yeah but i thought part of the annoyance for you was the rudeness and the breaking of rules and so in the con in the japanese context it is polite to slurp your noodles yes but that would be more effective in my brain if i was in japan okay it doesn't transfer to a japanese restaurant in london

no especially if the people doing it are not japanese okay because then it's like well you're just a slurper all year round and you just happen to be in like the house of slurp you know yeah yeah they're a stop clock at the right time sure i get you and i still i still can't think of an excuse for open mouth chewing no it's pretty bad yeah that is gross that is gross even i will admit that is gross yeah if will admit that is gross if someone's chewing with their mouth open they better have a fully bandaged nose do you mind my snorting

when do you snort I snort all the time when I find something funny I give a little no that's like a positive noise because you're laughing ok good yeah yeah no no that's like a positive noise because you're laughing. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Good. That's like a fun noise.

Yeah, nice. Yeah. We should do some correspondence. Yes. Speaking of good noises. Yeah. Let's hear from our lovely listeners. Ring letters.

Keep emails. Email. Phone calls. Toilets. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. To whom we find. Ring letters. letters, emails, phone calls, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, correspondence. I will say, listeners, we are, as ever, very behind on correspondence as we always are. So don't, don't feel bad.

Just feel frustrated. Well, we do get, we do get on top of them quicker than you think. So we just need a little burst here or there. Yeah. The trouble is that we're victims of our own successful. That's why we're busy

boys. It's true. It's the best way around. We've been sent some tat by Phoebe. Phoebe. Phoebe. She gives me the heebie-jeebies. That's good.

Thank you. That's good. The Phoebe-jeebies. I think Phoebe is a good name. I was about to say I'm a fan of the name Phoebe. I think it's a good name. Yes, nice. You don't get many phoe names. You don't get many Phoe names. You don't get many names with Phoe.

With P-H-O-E. I mean, Sophie is the closest with the P-H-I-E. Oh, yeah. Maybe we should start calling people Sophibes. Sophibi. Sophibi. So you can be Sophie or Phoebe. Phoebe is Greek.

It has to be Greek. Yeah. It looks so Greek. I can't imagine a more Greek-looking name than Phoebe. So you can be Sophie or Phoebe. Phoebe is Greek. It has to be Greek. It looks so Greek. I can't imagine more Greek looking name than Phoebe. I'm gonna bet on that. I'll take your money on that, Phil. You fucking earthworm with your bad investments. Phoebe is a girl's name of Greek origin. Radiant. Shining one.

Yes. The shining one. Oh my god, that's such a cute baby what's your what's what's what's your daughter's name the shining one oh that's lovely what was that sorry the shining one okay uh uh well she bestows her radiance upon us all and this baby's just in there like phoebe sent us an email with a subject title boy tat boy tat great i'm excited about this i have a feeling i know what boy tat is but let's find out. So it's a t-shirt.

Okay. It's got an illustration on it, but I can't really tell it to you, describe it to you without ruining it. Okay. How would I... I like blank and my blank. Okay. So it says, I like blank and my blank. Okay, so it says, I like blank and my blank. Yep.

And then there's a drawing of the man with the two blanks. Okay. And then underneath it says, and maybe three people? Right. Yeah. I like... I like my beard and my dog And maybe three people

Wait, did you say beer or beard? Beard But dog, you're right, it's beer and dog Wow But the cartoon does have a beard Oh yes Amazing, great work Thanks man I heard the spirit saying beard Oh, yes. Amazing.

Great work. Thanks, man. I heard the spirit saying beard. And I didn't hear clearly enough. Clearly they meant beer, not beard. But the two go hand in hand, to be honest. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dogs and beer.

Have a pint of dog, please. And beer on a leash. Appearance, dog breed, and name can be customized ah there you go boy tat i think that's true yeah boy tat a lot of stuff about beer maybe video games more and more um it's not so much man tat is sort of defines the man sort of in comparison to like his wife or his girlfriend it's always yes men defined in opposition to women whereas boy tat is more about what the boy likes and and boy culture. Yeah, that's true. The misogyny, I think, has slowly eked out of boy tat. That's of man tat. Boy tat is more

toxic to the self. Boy tat is more like Saturday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy tat is more like check in on your boys. Yes. Whereas you're right, man tat is more don't in on your boys yes where is that you're right man tat is more who don't tell her

I'm here exactly yeah yeah don't let her find out how much my motorcycle cost this is we've been sent some interesting um uh stuff from tamsin which is another good name tamsin tamsin blams in to our inbox yeah hello y Hello, Ying and Wang.

Oh, nice. You're Ying. I'm Ying. Yeah. What would my name be in Chinese? Pierre is stone. Oh, well, stone is shi tou, I think. Okay, I like that.

And the valley is new, so xing. Xing shi tou. I like that. And novella is new, so xing. Xing shi tou. I like this a lot. I'm going to introduce myself as that from now on. Yeah, xing shi tou. I think that's great. I'm surprised I've remembered how to say all that. But I think shi tou is right.

I think shi tou is right. It sounds a bit too much like shithole. It sounds a lot like shithole is right I think shithole is right it sounds a bit too much like shithole but it is it sounds a lot like shithole it sounds a lot like shithole I'm saying shithole wait does shithole mean anus I've only just realised so when the doctor wanted to see my

shithole he meant my anus and not my mouth well when you call a place a shithole are you calling it anus and not my mouth. Well, when you call a place a shithole, are you calling it an anus? I guess you must be. Unless it's also like a toilet, which is a hole in the floor. A shit... Yeah, I just thought it was like, this place is a hole like it's a wreck, and also

it's shit. It's a shithole. But I never thought, I never put the two together. Shithole. The hole that shit comes out of. Is that right? Yeah. Or like a crude toilet as well. Listeners, you can't see Phil right now, but this is shaking him to his core. Get Susie Dent on this right now.

Speaking of which, this Sunday I am on a new BBC Radio 4 pilot show with Susie Dent called Unspeakable. It's out on Radio 4 this Sunday. I think at 6.30. I think it's a 6.30 slot. But please listen in, and if you like it, tell Radio 4 so we can do some more.

Tell them. Get in touch with those old fuckers so Tamsin says hello Yin and Wang I would love to know your take on so excuse me this is an Instagram account that Tamsin has discovered

okay and I'm going to tell you the name I'm going to tell you not the at name you know like the one that's actually the account's name. Yep. So I'm going to say a bunch of stuff now, Phil, and the gaps are underscores. Okay. Dr. Famous.

Right. Okay, I want you to absorb that. Dr. Famous. This is the at name of the Instagram account. Yeah. Okay, I want you to absorb that. Dr. Famous. This is the at name of the Instagram account. Yeah. Okay. Dr. Famous Spellcaster, 24 hours. Wow, okay.

Yeah, so it's a spellcaster called Dr. Famous. Okay? You're saying okay like this all makes sense. Okay. So this is an Instagram account. DrFamous, okay. And the person is a spellcaster. Okay.

That's funny, yeah. His name is DrFamous, okay? He's a spellcaster okay the way that like nurses talk to you so i'm just going to give you a small injection okay and it'll just be a little jab in your upper arm okay yeah okay so it's an Instagram account the username is at DrFamous Spellcaster

24 hours 24 hours okay all hours of the day always ready to spell is DrFamous Love Spellcaster 24 hours results

okay okay Love spellcaster. 24 hours results. Okay? And then... Okay? And then a house emoji. Oh, no. And then the bio says, all about spiritual well-being. Which I'm skeptical of.

Well, he's at least partly about fame, seeing as they're called Dr. Famous. He's at least partly about fame seeing as they're called Dr. Famous he's at least partly about fame and he's at least partly about lengthy university accreditations it's not all about the spirituality no Dr. Dr. Famous

all about spiritual well-being love spell to anyone get your ex back negativity pregnancy spell release from prison win release from prison yeah yeah wow that really built from get your ex back to get out of jail get out of jail can you imagine like okay just picture it phil you're you the police cars surround you they pin you to the car they by your shoulder blades they handcuff you they carefully put you in the back

they scream sirens blaring to the station they take your fingerprints they're they're walking you to your cell and they say you got one phone call and you just look up and say oh I know who I have to call Dr. Famous spellcaster 24 hours and then

the police look at each other like fuck we were hoping you would just call a lawyer I need to call Dr. Fam famous right now and they're like who and the police and the guard the guards say who is he and you go a spell caster and they say and they say good luck it's 2 a.m and you go i don't think that's going to be a problem I love the idea of you standing in a cell in your pants, jabbing your finger at the little vision slit that the guards are looking at you through.

You're saying, I'm going to call Dr. Famous. He's a spellcaster. And he's always available. So you're going to be in a lot of trouble, you guys. Dr. Famous. Wait till Dr. Famous hears about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me pointing through the slat at the guards.

My finger going from one to the other. Wait till Dr. Famous hears about this. Wait till Dr. Famous finds out about you and you and you. Let's just say Dr. Famous is a friend of mine. Okay? So his skills again. Love spell to anyone. Get your ex back.

Negativity. Pregn pregnancy spell, release from prison, win any court case. Wow, okay. So ideally you just get the win any court case spell before you lose the court case and go to prison. Yeah, this is what I'm thinking is surely if the win any court case spell works, you don't need the release from prison spell. Yeah. But I guess the release from prison is for people who've come to dr famous a little too late yeah yeah i think when you talk to me imagine if dr famous goes into like the meeting room with prison to our meeting with uh the person and he goes you know this could have all been avoided you just use my win any court case spell but Phil. But look, we are where we are.

We are where we are. Yeah, that's it. He's very magnanimous about it. I think, yeah, Dr. Famous would be a bit like going, I mean, I can do it. It would have been a lot easier if you got in touch with me a couple of months ago. But yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. So Dr. Famous has over a thousand followers but isn't following anyone, which is quite arrogant. Wow, kind of cool. What does your feed even look like when you had follow zero people?

Is it just algorithm recommendations? It must just be like a little thing that says, why not follow someone? Yeah. You're a lunatic. Yeah. You lunatic. Yeah. So here's a comment that Dr. Famous has left on someone's account. I can't see what it is, but it's just a comment he's left.

Yeah. In general. Whoa, it's long. It's quite long. Hello, how are you and your family? It's nice. Mm-hmm. That is good bedside manner from Dr. Famous.

Yeah. He's one of the best. At bedside manner. Family doctor. Dr. Famous. He's making a house call. Yeah. Yeah.

Hello, how are you and your family? Sorry if this text annoys you. Wow. Yeah. Well, he's not Dr. Famous. He's not famous for grammar. He's famous for that. Wow. Yeah. Well, he's not Dr. Famous. He's not famous for grammar. He's famous for that. I'm just here

to inform you if you are in need of spiritual help from me at this moment. That's not informing. That's asking. I'm here to inform you if you are like this.

Oh, that made my that made my head hot for like three seconds. Yeah, that makes your brain go my head hot for like three seconds yeah that makes your brain go kind of stop for a second do you need negativity removal wow financial spell any financial spell yep win court case x backslash love spell Recon-skill-iation spell Recon-skill-iation Recon-skill-iation Lottery winnings

No spell, he's just won the lottery And he's willing to share Herbs to cure infection And infirmity What? Why does he have a spell for that? Why does that one in herbs? He can make you win the lottery but he can't heal a rash You can't heal a rash, Dr. Fam a rash dr famous i thought you're the doctor surely this is the

one point that's still right this is the one part where he's a doctor yeah yeah yeah yeah that's right this is why he's part doctor that's it okay that makes more sense yeah uh uh breakup spell protection spell herbs for weight loss. Reading of any kind. He's a proofreader. He's an editor. Oh, very good. That's Andy.

He'll read your document and find... Well, he won't find spelling mistakes. I wouldn't trust him with that. Pregnancy spell. He's a fan of spells. Yeah, yeah. Spell check is what Dr. Famous does before he leaves the house. Am I right? Nice.

Nice. You can have that one for free, Dr. Famous. I know you're listening. Pregnancy spell, spell to get promoted at your place of work, and lot more. And don't forget that problem shared is a problem solved. That's not the phrase. Yeah, it's problem halved, right? Yeah.

Yeah, well, apparently not with Dr. Famous. It's a problem halved. It should be, yeah. But if your not with Dr. Famous. It's a problem halved. It should be, yeah. But if your friend is Dr. Famous. Who has a great, which stand-up has a great joke about a problem shared is a problem halved? And he goes,

not to the person who didn't have a problem. For them, now they've got half a problem. They had no problem. I don't know. Who is that? That sounds like someone we know. Is it John Hastings? Could be.

It's got that... Real apologies to the comedian if it's not... Get in touch if it's you. Don't forget, a problem... A problem shared is a problem solved and all my spell are 100% granted without any side effects. Right.

No side effects at all. That sounds awesome. Yeah. Kindly let me know which of my offer you are interested on. And then two hearts. Very nice. Thank you, Temzin, who said she's very intrigued by Dr. Famous' services.

Well, now, Phil, we'll have to go to the VIP offices of Dr. Famous. Oh, apologies. It's not John Hastings. It's Guy Montgomery, the brilliant New Zealander comedian. Yes. Guy Montgomery, who has a joke about a problem shared is a problem halved. Not for the person who didn't have a problem. Shout out to Guy Montgomery, a man who, upon leaving the Edinburgh Fringe,

once gave me some Tupperware he didn't want to fly home with. Oh, that's handy. Yeah. Very funny man, Guy. So I guess, okay, so now, Phil, I guess we're going to the reception of, the VIP reception of Dr.ip reception of dr famous's clinic wow okay this is a specific one all right i'll try and work on that the vip dr famous clinic if you're a patron we'll see you in the vip dr famous clinic on friday become a patron or we'll

see you for the regular episode next week much love love. Buy tickets to my Soho Theatre run, please. It's on my Instagram, please. And my Northampton show next week. And my Apollo show also next Friday. Ay caramba. Much love. Bye-bye. Bye.