BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 254 - Wee Willy Winky

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

The lads discuss lucky numbers, diminutive or patronising phrasing, winkies cocks and willies, Chris gets in touch about toilet brushes which leads to a mega high brow-low brow moment with Sisyphus and Emma sends us Disney tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 254. 254. You won't snore. You won't snore. With us at the helm of another fantastic podcast. 254. Who fights for? Who fights for? Why would you fight for? Scariest number in Chinese, of course, because it sounds like death.

Which one? Four. Oh, really? On its own? Yeah. And eight is good. Si sounds like death. Si.

Eight is good. Eight is lucky, isn't it? Three is good. Three? Three is good. I think eight is most prosperous, maybe. Eight is rich. Eight is rich.

Three is good. You can tell it's rich because it's so voluptuous. Yeah, it looks like a cartoon of a capitalist. Yeah. Big fat businessman. Okay, and then four is death. Four is death. What's five?

Ooh. I don't think, I'm not sure five has much meaning. Well, I mean, this is Chinese culture. I'm sure every digit has some meaning. Five is for when you're impressed. Ooh. Five. Could be.

Yeah. One must be like the witness number. Or is it the loneliest number that you could ever be? One never comes up really in terms of like luck. That would be a good like... I think it's too early on yeah because you go 1 that's lucky people go oh whoa whoa

we've only just started yeah yeah yeah 1's good it can't be too late you're going to be like and 113 forget it yeah yeah the sweet spot is between 3 and 21 is there a known reason why?

Although it goes up to 27, right? 27 Club. Oh, that's true. 27 Club. Is that the last unlucky number in Western culture? 666 must be the last unlucky number. Yes, that's got to be it, right? That's got to be the last bad number.

Unless there's a year that's unlucky. But it right it's not the last bad number unless there's a year that's unlucky but i don't think there is no 69 is the only is that the only good number i can't think of the only sexy number it's the only sexy number but it's also assumed good 69 yeah why because it's sexy oh right okay so that people just go oh ha sex yeah i mean i mean in western culture i'm'm just saying that there aren't a lot of positive numbers. There's a lot of Bible numbers. Oh, yeah? 3, 7, and 12 are big old Bible numbers.

Oh, the Holy Trinity. Holy Trinity, 12 tribes of Israel, 7 gold rings, seven deadly sins, seven virtues as well. Oh, the lesser known seven virtues. Yeah, the seven good guy powers, like charity and patience. And seven was used in the Old Testament often as like a general like... Oh, seven's lucky number, of course. Just like loads. How did I forget about seven seven lucky number seven lucky number

seven and it's a magic number yes but also um in the bible when it says even unto the seventh generation when someone's cursed oh even this even the good number you'll be cursed even unto the seventh generation and it kind of it does mean seven but it also just means like imagine that bigger number oh it's Oh, it's like... It's like saying shmashmillion. Or like nth, to the nth degree. Yes, to the seventh generation. They won't even know who they are.

Right. They won't even have the same surname. That's good. Yeah, so there's lots of Bible numbers. Twelve disciples. Twelve disciples as well. Yes, exactly. Thirteen's unlucky, I think, because of the Last Supper, isn't it?

Because there are 13 of them? Yeah. Oh, okay. I remember a superstition I heard growing up, which was that you should never dine in a group of 13, because you will never dine together as a 13 again. Well, that is very certainly likely, just because of the logistics of getting 13 people together again. It's so hard to get people to come round. I mean, they're not wrong.

I think they just write it for the wrong reasons. It's more about admin. Yeah, if you have too big a dinner, people will use it as an excuse to not see each other for another year. Exactly, exactly. I'm glad we did this. That's what I want to say at the end. I'm glad we did this.

We have to do this again sometime. Which is the thing you say to make sure something never happens ever that's what judas kept saying guys it's great this is great this is that's why he was unpopular that's why he was unpopular he kept saying this is great and we should do this again god it's weird is it because we all live in judea we all live in judea we never hang out never get together down the road i see my friends from uh the barbaric greek islands far away more than i see people who live right here in judea it's absolutely mad yeah that's why people didn't like him he kept doing things like that um yeah he's annoying he was annoying. He was annoying.

Do you think there are any people called Judas? There can't be. I think it went the way of Adolf a long time ago. It was the original Adolf. Yeah, it was early on in the history of unpopular baby names. Or baby names that went out of fashion real quick. Almost instantly. Bam. Yeah, how many?

Because Christianity didn't take over for a long time. There must have still been a few Judas's knocking around. Before people heard the name. Before people heard the stories. Yeah. And they changed it probably. That would be a fun chat to have with someone. What are you going to call your

son? Adolf Judas or Judas Adolf? Some combination of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're going no we're gonna bring it back be a conversation starter adolf judas stalin get down here right now you're in a lot i'm very disappointed in you adolf judas i never would have expected this from my Adolf Judas Stalin Not my Adolf Judas Stalin I said

when I got the call from your school Ha ha ha Ha ha ha You'd have told me three years ago that my son Adolf Judas Stalin would do something this bad I would have laughed

it's um yeah there must have been a few knocking around what names of bad people have survived oh what's a very bad Joseph I guess the thing with Adolf Hitler is both Adolf and Hitler stand out as names

Joseph Stalin I mean we're not going to cancel Joseph at this point. No. And Stalin is, you know, unique enough that we can go... It was a nickname. I say Man of Steel? Yeah, Steel. Steel guy. What was his real name? Dugashvili?

I think he's Georgian. I think it was Dugashvili or something like that. Yeah, Joseph Stalin and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. It's just all shades of red. It was red and red and red and red. Just that song, but with red. It would be very funny if it were alongside a Superman movie.

That movie came out with Stalin, also called Man of Steel. I'd do a versus. Way better than versus way better oh yeah that'd be sick way better than batman versus superman superman versus stalin yeah whoa and it would it would depend on the manner of fighting because superman would eventually punch his way through the almost infinite tanks of the soviet. Yeah. It would take a while. Yeah. But what if it was more like Superman versus Stalin where Stalin just gradually manages to freeze Superman out

of various committees. Ah. And then just has him disappeared. And yeah, he's put in a kryptonite gulag. Yes, yeah. And he just has to work in Siberia punching diamonds and gold out of the earth. This is good.

This is a graphic novel. Well, it's very similar to Red Sun. Yes, yeah. Which is highly recommended if you're into your comics, graphic novels. It's a what-if comic book about what if Superman landed in the Soviet Union instead of the USA.

Yeah. It's really good. Yes? Yeah. union instead of the usa yeah um it's really good uh yeah or uh the what yes um yeah phil's having a stroke i'm on the end of my thought i got to the end of my thought phil have you been uh i've been uh in the west end with frank skinner oh la la the fashionable west end london's Voila! The fashionable West End. London's glittering West End. With lovies. Oh, this is fun. Yeah. So, on Sunday, this Sunday gone, on Radio 4, came the first, the pilot episode of Unspeakable, which I'm hosting with Susie Dent.

Yes, of course. And it's about inventing new words to describe modern phenomena or things in life that you think need a word to describe them. And one of our guests was Stephen Fry fry incredibly yes of course yeah and and suzy den pointed out on the show that stephen is notable for many things but one reason is that he was the only person in the room who is in the oxford english dictionary cited as the first ever written down published use of the word lovey. He wrote it in an article for, I don't know,

The Evening Standard, some newspaper back in the day. Back in like the... Late 80s? Late 80s, surely. Oh my God. And he described, you know, a class of creative people as loveys.

Really? And that was the first documented use of the word lovey. So he's in the Oxford English Dictionary as a first use of the word lovey. So he's in the Oxford English Dictionary as the first use of the word lovey. So it's his fault that very fat, red, thick-necked men have a word for us, basically. For disparaging anyone who has done a single performance of anything ever.

Anyone who knows the name of a single painting or show. The London Liberal Loveys. Scoffing. Quaffing champagne and scoffing canapes on this lovey liberal. Ugh. Ugh. Ruff. But it's on BBC Sounds now.

It's called Unspeakable. Look up Unspeakable on BBC Sounds. And if it gets enough listens, then Papa's got a new job. Yeah. Papa's a new word. You're a wordsmith or what's your role on the show i'm a host i stop people from fighting each other i'm there going whoa whoa whoa calm down can we please be civil steven put her down that's what my job you're there saying like can we all learn the meaning of the word tolerance please yeah oh nice it's a great it's a it's a great show if you like words and

coming up with words but also if you're pedant there's a part of the oh the show where we invite people to put words they don't like into word jail um i have so many yeah oh brekkie brekkie brekkie why don't you Brecky? It's a disgusting little abbreviation And no shorter than breakfast, no quicker to say Exactly, it's a failed abbreviation It's patronising It's trying to be It's like a vicar trying to be fun

It's breakfast What do you want for Brecky? I want you to shoot yourself in the head It's also very wackaging It's wackaging, yeah If you brought out a new like like you know okay someone who gets famous on tech talk for for the way that they organize their kitchen brings out a new range of snack bars in partnership with fucking you know hitler landmine limited and the the packaging says you know up your brekkie yes fuck off up yeah upgrade your brekkie yeah yeah re level up

your brekkie level up your level up your brekkie pierce just had to be sick Yeah I just had to be sick Just through my nose as well The worst way to do it Just burning nostrils It's the most awful I have a thing where And I'm never sure why Maybe you can suggest something I'm filled with rage By

Just a funny way to start Maybe you can help me with this I'm filled with rage Any ideas? just a funny way to start maybe you help me with this i'm filled with rage any ideas anyone uh just just a hands up sort of thing no wrong no wrong answers no wrong answers i'm filled with rage does You, sir. Yes, you, sir. No, I'm filled with rage by childish or patronizing abbreviations of any kind.

And I'm nervous. I have theories as to why. Yep. But I have no definitive. They just make me so irritated. I guess central to it is a dishonesty there's a dishonesty about the meaning of the word so yeah like i don't want a parent it says winky instead of penis it's like you're being dishonest about something that you don't need to be dishonest

about yeah why what are you the word means the same thing and And cutifying it, I mean, not only does it help nothing, it makes it creepier. It's odd. Yeah. It's an odd thought where you go, oh, well, I'd better make a sort of fun version of penises for the children. For the kids. The kids want like a fun rock and roll kind of penis. They don't want the word penis. That's your granddad's word.

Hey, this isn't your granddad's penis. This isn't your granddad's penis. Hey, kids penis. That's your granddad's word. They need to have fun. Hey, this isn't your granddad's penis. This isn't your granddad's. Hey, kids, this isn't your granddad's penis. This isn't your granddad's penis. Hey, whoa, slow down, boys. This ain't your granddad's dick, okay? This is a cool new penis that I think you're all going to really groove with

It's called Winky And it's a little more fun And it's never hard Okay That is an important part of it I think You can't have a hard Winky I guess that's it Maybe in that sense they are useful words

Because they actually describe a subset of the penis, which is a soft penis. Because a penis can be hard or soft. Yeah. You don't know. But now, Phil, we've painted ourselves into the linguistic philosophical corner. Does a winky become a penis if it were to become erect? Yes. Yeah. Okay. All right. That's our policy. Yeah. Okay. Alright.

That's our policy. Yeah. It was a Winky. And it becomes a penis. Yeah. And that could be useful for describing I don't know, a flasher. Well, was it a Winky or a penis? It was a Winky penis. It is an important distinction in movies.

You can show a Winky, but you can't show a hard cock. No, you can'tinky, but you can't show a hard cock. No, you can't. You can't show a cock. No, you can't. No, you can't. And actually, converse to the winky situation, I don't like it when someone refers to a flaccid penis as a cock.

I'm like, that's not a cock. Do you think? Yeah, I think a cock is hard. Okay. Maybe I've watched too much Bond. For me, a cock is hard. All Boners are happening all the time. I just think a cock is hard. I boners are happening all the time. I just think a cock is hard.

I think a dick can be either. Okay, so dick is the neutral... I think dick is a bit more floppy than hard, but a cock is definitely hard. I think there's a spectrum here. There's a dick spectrum. Of softness of penis. Well, yeah, and the spectrum is literally expressible through angle.

Isn't it? Ah, yes. You could you could minus 25 out on yeah minus 25 degrees that's there's a winky zone you have um you have 45 degrees you have 90 degrees don't you to work with yeah you have 90 degree well well i mean no you have 180 you go from minus 90 to your flat penis flaccid penis goes into your body no what is it would it just be one side of the graph it does go negative that's 180 yeah yeah because it's like and it's hanging down yeah but never it doesn't go all the way pointing upwards that's true some people not not me yeah not me neither i think that's a bit too rare for us to consider here. It would, yeah.

Do some people go straight up belly button? Straight up like if they were trying to shoot themselves in the head with their own dick. That would be the angle. And some are completely flat. But I'm talking about as well like, yeah, we've got a range here. Okay, what do you call it when it's in game of thrones and this guy's hanging dong and flopping around right because they can't show them hard so everyone's leaving and arriving i'll call that a dick you call that a dick yeah i think i think a flaccid big flaccid

penis if if your penis is big when it's flaccid yeah talking about that's a dick okay if it's if it's small when it's flaccid that's a willy willy we forgot about willy yeah dick okay if it's if it's small when it's flaccid that's a willy willy we forgot about willy yeah and actually if it's i think the smallest is winky then a bit big as willy and then dick is a bit bigger yeah and then like cock is at the end cock is the biggest yes yeah yeah yeah um penis that's like medical yeah i think penis can probably penis is like saying be all... Penis is like saying... It could be all of it. Penis is like saying ape. I love a chart of the penises getting slightly... Getting slightly taller and across time. Through history.

The second to final penis has a spear. Can someone who does graphic design knock this up, i don't want to see this but only in silhouette there's like hunched over like chimp shape of a dick and balls and then gradually the final one has a briefcase yeah and a shirt and a shirt a little tie yeah city dick city dick oh man so penis is genus penis is the genus the penis is the genus and the genus is penis um okay so that is this is this is the sort of thing that's nice that that you know names itself really yeah i, Homo erectus. That would be a good, that would be a good, not like a drag name, but like a gay cabaret act.

Homo erectus. Homo erectus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dress like a caveman. Yeah. You got like a Flintstones, you know, like animal skins. Yeah. You'd be all hairy.

You'd be a hairy gay man. Uh-huh. And you do like a cabaret show where it's like drumming. You know, like caveman drumming. But you have a boner the whole time. Yeah, right. That's the sexy aspect. Okay. He's just under his loincloth.

He's just... Oh, okay. So it's a bulge the whole time. It's not... At the end, he gets it out. And everyone's impressed. And I guess they throw rings on it. Yeah.

Nice one. Homo erectus. Yeah. There's a basement in Soho where we could sell out if we could find the right performer for this film. We write it, he does it. It's like old school. 50s style.

Let me have some rectus. It talks like that as well. He's got a spear but the spear's a dildo. You know. There's so many layers you can add on this. How do we get onto this? The bone through the nose could be a boner that could be a boner yes yeah yeah yeah um how did we get onto this oh i hate diminutive phrasing I mean, that's his podcast in a nutshell, I think. Yeah. We've lined up a fucking caveman-themed gay cabaret act

called Homo Erectus, based on that. Yeah, okay, okay, yeah. Yeah, so... I think it's the performativeness of it and the dishonesty the silliness and and yeah dishonesty is part of it i think i think i don't like the implication that i need it it's patronizing don't do this for me i didn't ask you to do this yeah like um in the same way that people uh uh i've i've heard women before like this doesn't happen for like decades obviously it's very old-fashioned but women complaining uh when men would do that thing

of like oh sorry for swearing to like the only woman in the room oh yeah that's patronizing yes you're like i don't need you to protect my ears so it's the same thing that feeling yes like sorry you're saying brekkie because i'm what i'm frightened of oh not break not boring old breakfast again yeah oh not like not like grown-ups you think i'm scared of breakfast yeah well i think i find breakfast too difficult you think yeah exactly or i need i need breakfast kind of spiced up somehow i need to i need my toast on a skateboard or fucking on a big spoon it also ties into this kind of comfort comfort sort of um cutesy britishness you know that kind of tea drinker yeah cuteness well bit sweary yeah tea drinker yeah love gin love gin yeah. Yeah, the kind of people who just love watching a clip of Olivia Colman saying,

fuck, at an awards show. Yeah, but then crucially going, oh, and grabbing her face. Yeah, and you go, come on, man. She's been planning to do that for weeks. Are you so easily fooled? I bet you think Jennifer Lawrence is a real down-to-earth girl next door as well. Yeah, there was an interview where she said she eats chili cheese fries. Fuck off.

She means at Christmas. She means at Thanksgiving. And it's one bowl and she has to lie down. Yeah, it's a cup an american baking measurement cup cup of chili cheese fry fry or one fry a fry and a spoon of chili oh obviously if she ate the chili cheese fries every day that her job her job would end her job would end job yeah or if she does eat chili cheese fries she must be doing like an olympic athlete level of training to burn the requisite calories exercising all day every day

yeah she's at the gym for seven hours four in the morning three in the evening and every other meal is a handful of almonds get real also i think there's maybe there's an arrogant old-fashioned part of me that hates it because it's like when someone calls you phil instead of mr wang in a certain context where you're the customer oh yeah we're like i'm in somewhere and that's the like a costa or whatever starbucks and it's like brilliant new brekkies and it's like how dare you speak to me like that i'm the customer you are not. You are not my friend. Put on a tie and call it breakfast. Put on a proper suit, wear a tie, and call it breakfast.

Exactly. And maybe that's part of it, because I want to say to Starbucks, you're not my friend. Yeah. If you were my friend, you would not keep forgetting to make filter coffee. Yes. Yes, it's never available. It's never available. And you've not keep forgetting to make filter coffee. Yes. Yes, it's never available. It's never available. And you've got the machine.

I'm looking at it. And I don't care if you'll charge me the same for an Americano. I want a filter coffee because it makes me feel special. I want a filter coffee because it makes me feel like a detective. Yes. It makes me feel like I'm solving murders. It makes me feel like I'm working on the case all night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looking through documents. Mm-hmm. murders it makes me feel like i'm working on the case all night yeah yeah yeah yeah looking through documents and i find the right one right as my partner claps me on the shoulder and says get some rest that's exactly when i find the right one yeah after you rubbed your your forehead for a bit yeah well exactly your eyes closed and they're going ah these these these murders get some rest buddy as they as they sling their jacket over their shoulder yeah that's when i find it yeah do you remember the um a while ago you me jason and george your daphne sketch group partners for people listening who aren't with the lore yeah we were laughing at different ways to if someone makes a joke and it doesn't quite work different devastating ways to respond to a failed joke

in conversation and one was to say get some rest it's the most brutal someone goes oh like this no one laughs you put them on the shoulder and say get some rest get some rest you go home and you get some rest devastating yeah okay so here's here's a question for you on on the subject of you know brands and companies and whatever using sort of goofy funny

language or taking things less seriously making an active effort to be less serious in the language are we especially annoyed by it because we work in unseriousness our job is to be unseriousness we work in jokes and so it's sort of a busman's holiday when we've come in something to a cafe just wanting a thing and we have to get through the jokes yeah the thing that we want so do you think people who don't work in comedy are less annoyed by it i think definitely i think that's actually yeah I think that's very true. Because you're sort of like, I'm here at the cafe. I don't need someone to be like, oh, oh, what?

Wubba-dee-boo. I don't need this from you. Yes. I have a big reservoir of humor in my brain. And that is actually one of my main problems. Yeah. And it actually happens when I meet people or people meet me and they know me as a comedian and people who you know don't work in comedy get understandably i guess excited when they're

around a comedian and but they think that they have to speak to me in jokes yes yes yes i think they have to be funny all the time and you can see them trying really hard to be funny about everything yeah and they go this i know what this guy likes yeah i know this guy's language he literally only understands what someone is talking about if it's he only talks like the joker from batman just like constant like zingers oh what about this you don't have to do that and i yeah what you've come off stage actually the well you just want people to talk straight to you also most comedians are so aggressively normal. Serious. Serious.

It's not like actors or they haven't got airs and graces. Constantly fearing the audience's judgment keeps you on a more even keel, I think. And I think if people spoke to us in a completely neutral way, they'd really win us over. Yeah. If that's the goal, it would be such a relief. You, they'd really win us over. Yeah. If that's the goal, it would be such a relief. You'd be like, oh, I feel normal.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Whereas, like you say, constantly be like, oh, yeah, like up here, bald as I am. And what they're doing is making you go,

ha, ha, ha, ha, yes. Yeah. You have done a joke. Yeah, now I have to be polite. I like it. Yeah. And I must like it, because, now I have to be polite. I like it. Yeah. And I must like it because I am a comedian and you have noticed that.

And I feel like people who do that are probably less annoyed by Wackajink. They really enjoy the word brekkie. They go, well, hang on a minute. That's not the right word. I think they mean breakfast, but I'm not sure. not the right word i think they mean breakfast but i'm not sure i think yeah i don't like it as well because i um i hate what i call beano words oh scuff gozzle quaff choccy lecky yeah put on your telebox woof plug it into the lecky put on your telebox and scoff some jockeys i'm gonna kill myself jump onto the interwebs. Twee fun talk.

But I don't like it as well because be no talk pops up in British journalism a lot when they're trying to make you hate a group. And it's like politicians were quaffing champagne at the reception. And I've talked about this before, but it's like, I think maybe it's because it's clumsy manipulation. Clumsy in a way it's so obvious that you want me to dislike these people

because of their drink but it does work so it can't be that clumsy I think it works on some people but I think it's like it works on people who already didn't like actors or politicians

or whoever anyway yeah and that's what they're aiming for yeah but then it's like just masturbation then it's masturbatory yeah I just hate it

yeah I agree it's awful you goation. Then it's masturbatory. Yeah. I just hate it. Yeah, I agree. It's awful. Fuck off. Yeah. Oh, the journalists at the National Journalism Awards call whopping champagne and scuffing joggers. Shut up. Stop it.

I don't care what drinks they had. Unless it was human blood. I'm not interested. Yeah. And also what they're saying about the readers. They've never had chocolate They don't have any lecky Or teleboxes

Phil And they're very envious To politics of envy Yeah lecky is gross Why does lecky get a cute name Like gas doesn't Gas Gassy is not

I guess it's hard to shorten gas That's true That's true Any other way of describing gas Sounds too cool Fire air Fire. Fire air. Fire air. Fire air.

Yeah. Flammable air. Well, speaking of... Speaking of flammable air. Gassy. Gas. Speaking of gas. Time to read some correspondence.

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Correspondence Chris is in touch with us Chris, what the piss What the piss, Chris And Chris, I'm not going to say your name But it's a cool name oh i'll have to i'll show you later i'll show you later for me a little post podcast reward hi end of the pierre sideshow fillers ah yeah good um we discussed a while ago you using a previous tenant's toilet brush oh yeah so the the house i moved into i used the previous family's toilet brushes for a month

yeah yeah i'd forgotten about that i remember even as a kid looking at the toilet brush going but that can't be it i know and at first i thought oh is this too gross and then i also thought well what am i saying about my shit in comparison to theirs? Oh, gross. I have this thing that touched their shit. It's not worthy of my shit. It would depend upon the state the family had left it in. It was gross.

Yeah. It was bad. It had a bit of water in the bottom of the thing. Oh, man. That water. Rough. That water contains the end of all human life, I think. Safely say the last bit of liquid I want to drink, that water.

The last bit of liquid. That's it. Very last. Saving that for last. You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to get me to drink some of that liquid. Brushy wash. Ooh, yummy. Scrummy.

Speaking of Phil using the previous occupant's toilet brush, many years ago when my brother and his girlfriend broke up and she moved out, he stayed at home with us for a couple of days so she could move her stuff out. Mm-hmm. Okay. Once she was done, he returned home

to find that, among other things, she had taken the toilet brush. Wow, that's petty. That's Tom Petty. That's poopy. That's poopy. That's very... That is... I think that is very much a case of...

Was it spiting your face to spite your nose? Was it crunching your face to spite your nose? What is it? Smashing your face to... Cutting off your nose to spite your face. This is like Clever Travelling Man again.

Yeah, cutting off your nose to spite your face. Yeah. I've always found that odd saying, but I think that's what she's doing, isn't it? Yeah, she's having to carry a poopy brush. Around. Around. Thinking, this'll show him. He'll miss this.

He'll miss this. Yeah. Stinky old brush. They're breaking up and she's going well say goodbye to this but she's not pointing at her body she's pointing at two shitty brushes well i hope you enjoy taking a last look at this and she just points into the loo because they're in the living room and he's like at what this and she like makes says like follow me so i lead him into the bathroom and he's like what this the toilet no next to the toilet no i can't take the

toilet with me i can't take the toilet with me next to the toilet the bleach no there she has to touch it there's the toilet brush yeah that's say goodbye bet you're sorry now so um chris says i've never quite gotten over how gross and hilarious this act was surely surely a toilet brush will only ever belong to one toilet they mate for life yeah of course i didn't think about it that way not not only is it yeah brush is mated to i don't know a family a set of inhabitants and a toilet i wouldn't even i wouldn't even exchange the brushes between my toilets because they french exchange ah see where the other half live. Now you see. Now you all learn a little bit about what the world can really be like.

Toilet brushes. Which toilet brush of your two do you think has the better life? I guess there's one that gets the least action, which would be the... I have, for some reason, a lot of toilets in my house. And it would be toilet toilet on on the first floor okay um the least action don't get me wrong i put it through its paces whenever i can well we're we're presuming that the toilet brushes don't live to work. They work to live.

They work to live. But we're presuming that they don't love their work, even though it is their purpose. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. So maybe the happiest one is the one that does get the most action. See what I mean? Yeah, I guess it does depend how much they love their jobs. I'm reminded of a quote from Camus. Oh, yes.

We must imagine Sisyphus happy. Okay, interesting. And to what end must we imagine sisyphus what does it prove or illustrate the show so let's see the struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart one must imagine sisyphus happy okay i like that because about the absurdity of life and that that's what it all is anyway. Right. And we are, in fact, all of us just a happy Sisyphus. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's the general idea. And what if that's true of your toilet brushes as well?

I'm sorry. Happy little brushes. Happy Sisyphus. Happy Sisyphus. Happy Sisyphus. What are you guys doing for Sisyphus? Oh, same thing as last year. Oh. Yes.

High brow, low brow. We're literally trying to apply Camus to shit-covered brushes. And it's working. No one else does it like this. And that's why it can't go anywhere. That's why this is not scalable. No, because Radio 4 people don't want us to talk about the no because radio four people don't want us to talk about the poo and poo people don't want us to talk about

it's kapoo kapoo yeah album kapoo this is the trouble we're stuck between two toilet seats Ah One toilet seat can only tell the truth One toilet seat can only tell a lie One of your brushes can only But I've got these new silicon guys They have the old bristles Which I think is the most horrible

It's the old style metal handle I feel sick just describing it Rusty bristles And he goes chonk chonk chonk Picks up as much hair and just describing it. Rusty bristles. Rusty bristles. And he goes, chonk, chonk, chonk, picks up as much hair and shit as he can in the bristles, and then you pop it into the cylinder, the dark cylinder that they've made the most effort possible to ensure cannot evaporate.

So you're just gradually building a body of water, perfect watertight seal, vapor tight seal. Vaportight seal. And I've got these silicon ones that you put in. And they're suspended over an opening so they can air out. And I think the poop does try to slide off the silicon while you're rubbing the toilet. So it comes out with the poop on it. And the bristles are short and the silicon so you're not like actively clawing at hair and shit

to hold on to like the old brushes the bristle brushes you couldn't more effectively design something to hold on to and on the hold on the metal bristle toilet brushes are like machines you'd invent to harvest clumps of shit from in a bowl in nature yeah it'd be on the news it'd be like this the 16 year old boy has invented a way of of collecting all the shit in the sea it would be like the it's this device that just like a rock pool it can just get every animal out of a rock pool yeah right it's perfect it's actually too good it's gonna it's like the mr burns's thing in the simpsons blocking out the sun sweeps the sea clean oh yeah made of little lisa's um lisa yeah that's a good episode oh man that's so funny clawing at shit and hair yeah and the rust as well

you go rust and poo this thing that we've got to dip into water again and again for its entire use life thank god it's made of un-galvanized iron hooray for that I've made up the term use life by the way use life what would it what would it

actually be for its entire it is use life shelf life people normally say but that's not quite right when you're that's passive yeah exactly i like use life okay i like it let's stick with use life then you gotta introduce that onto your show hey yeah i'm the stephen fry of use life that's right I think that might be too technical and not funny enough for the show Yeah You need to invent a word like loveys That people who like words use a lot

Then it'll get absorbed The advocate of audience I guess Fucking nerd word Nerd word We have been sent some tat Of various kinds by Emma. Oh, Emma!

She's currently full of flamma. She could be. There's a cold going about. It's going around. I've got it. I've got it. I'm cold. I'm cold. Emma says, what does she say? She says, I don't know if I'm allowed to send Tat this way

Because it's on Instagram Not any way is good with us The whole thread is great but this one is my favourite I'll leave you to guess which one she means is her favourite Okay These are T-shirts Okay

And so Someone called squilly hef on twitter okay has pointed out has been at disneyland and he says i've been here a day and already i've seen so many like disney couple shirts that boil down to the following are people okay and like the the lady shirt says i'm his mini and he's drawn these oh he's like a parody he says they seem to just be like this and it's quite funny the lady shirt is i'm his mini and the man shirt is my bitch wife is making me pay for this and it is true yeah as has been observed on this podcast the aggressive aggressive misogyny uh so there's one of a guy here's a picture most financially irresponsible day ever written in the disney font is that real one seems real two people having fun yeah most expensive day

ever best day ever oh how crazy is that okay so the girl's got best day ever and the guy's got a shirt she said most expensive day and they're both in that disney curly whirly font that's old-fashioned stuff america's old-fashioned man they they want to everyone over there wants to be paid for oh yeah ladies ah interesting i i went on three or four dates with americans yanks in london and they i had to pay the whole way for all of it. Wow. Implicit. What a gentleman. What a nice gentleman. I love a gentleman. He was French, but he was from Africa.

Africa. Africa. Throw an R in every word. Well, have I mentioned this? Eh? Did I say this on the podcast about the American accents and the? And the word the? I don't think so.

So I had an audition that needed to be American accent. Yes, yes. And you thought, fuck this, I'm doing American, it's better. I went specifically Boston. But then I also went and looked up a YouTube video of just like how to do an American accent. And most of the stuff was kind of like adding the r kind of sound at the end of things but um an observation that i had never noticed but was spot on was americans say the or the depending on the word that comes after it yeah the next word is starts with a consonant they say the if it starts with a vowel they say. So they say we're going to the park. Yeah.

But we'll take the only way there. Oh. So if you go, we'll take the only way there, you go, oh, that sounds a bit off, and I'm not sure why. They say the only. It's because there's a double vowel-like little ditch, isn't there, that you have to jump over. The only. There's a little stop.

The only. Whereas the only. The only. Whereas the only adds a Y, doesn't it? The only. I thought it was such a good observation. There's a little stop. The only. The only. Whereas the only adds a Y, doesn't it? The only. I thought it was such a good observation. That's great.

It really helps with American accents. The Undertaker? Yeah, The Undertaker. But the pallbearer. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's really good. The best honeymoon ever.

The most expensive honeymoon ever. These are more t-shirts. Yeah, we're on a theme here. Here's another one. This is the ladies' one. Disney life, happy wife. Woof. And then the guys' one says,

I blank to support my wife's blank blank. I work to support my wife's Disney problem. Addiction, but yes. You got it. Bang on. It's funny. You assume Disney, because of its output in the recent decade, is ideologically beyond this stuff. But, of course, on the ground they still have to sell to people from Florida.

They still have to sell to people from Florida and Idaho. Of course. all of these places yes exist and must be catered to um this is for a pregnant lady what and the bump lady and the bump oh you're so close um uh beauty and the bump yeah and what does the guys one say so it's beauty Beauty and the Bump. Oh, and this is the partner with the... The man one. Is it also like the name of a Disney movie?

Well, it's the same pattern. I'll give you that as a clue. Oh. Beauty and the Bump and... Daddy and the Beast. Wallet and the Beast. Oh, that would be good. It's Beast behind the bump

oh yeah graphic for disney the t-shirt saying we did it doggy style sorry goofy style this is sorry pluto pluto style goofy style Depending on the era Calling it Goof I think Pluto Which is worse Goofy style Goofy style Goofy style is horrible Yeah

Pluto style makes you go Wait what do you mean Whereas Goofy style Makes you go Oh Gorsh The thing is Goofy could fuck

Missionary Because he's You know He's kind of he's anatomically human. Whereas Pluto's anatomically a dog. Well, that's it. And people have pointed out online the humor of Goofy and Pluto thinking like...

Existing in the same universe. Yeah, and you go, ugh. And one is just nude with a collar on the floor. And Goofy's this mutant. Maybe it's like us with the apes. Is that the idea? Maybe aliens would come and look at us and be like why are some of you in the zoo we are the we are the goofy to the to the apes pluto we are the goofy we are goofy we are goofy and silverback gorillas and chimps are pluto wow yes i never thought of this

yes so it's an observation on on evolution it's not that goofy is descended from pluto they are they share common ancestors yeah they're branches of some kind of awful tree wow we've got to the bottom of it yeah and clearly pluto has evolved in some savannah manner that that means uh that means he has like light brown coloring ah okay yes yes yes he's he's whereas goofy has got like black fur yeah and a white face right which implies jungle like a spider monkey right okay maybe yeah. Maybe? Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. And Pluto's sandy like the desert. Yeah.

Okay, interesting. Pluto's a sandier guy, yeah. Sandier guy. He's a sandier. He's in the Savannah Manor. In the Savannah Manor. In the Savannah Manor. I conducted myself in the Savannah Manor.

So here's one. My favorite Disney what is my what my favorite disney blank is my blank yeah oh this is the lady one okay my favorite disney prince is my husband absolutely perfect yeah my favorite dis Disney prince is my husband woof yow yowch but what does the man's one say because it can't be the same it has to be the dad

like the like the I don't really like this right okay my favourite Disney movie is football it's no it's the same format

so my favourite Disney princess yes no oh because it's not nice remember they can't be mutually nice my favourite Disney villain Yes? No, because it's not nice, remember? They can't be mutually nice My favourite Disney villain

Yes, it's my wife And then two t-shirts The lady one says, I wear the ears Nice And the guy's one says It rhymes I wear the ears I shed the tears.

I shed the tears. And it's a silhouette of Mickey who's hanged himself. From the roof of the castle. Swinging. Swinging. And then the little ding is on Mickey's dead little feet hanging swinging

in the gatehouse The villagers have taken over It's what happened to the Magic Kingdom in 1790 Everyone just kicked off Yeah, the Great Disney Uprising The Great Disney Terror The Magical Kingdom Revolution They lynched Mickey Yeah, the great Disney uprising. The great Disney terror. The magical kingdom revolution.

They lynched Mickey. Okay, so her t-shirt says... I shed the tears. It's so funny. I wear the ears. I... Oof, this is tough. Think blokes.

What do men like? I drink the beers. I buy the beers. You got it. I buy the beers. Yes. Now, which one do you think was Emma's favourite? Oh. the beers i buy the beers you got it yes now which one do you think was emma's favorite oh i think emma's favorite is the prince villain one you've got it yes you've whispered not only

tat phil but someone's preference i know tat I know tat I'll dance with it once upon a dream Yes Well now it's time to go to the VIP Disney Kingdom Oh great Oh Disneyland Whatever Of the Patreon

But listeners The best show I've ever done is on at Soho At the end of March, start of April Please come to that Very good Links This is one I've not seen. This is one you haven't seen. Definitely the best I've ever done.

God. Incredible. I need to go to this. I hope I put it in my diary. I need to check with you after this, actually. And you're at the Apollo. Yes, which when this comes out will be tomorrow night. Tomorrow night, everyone. If you're in London, I'll be at the

Hammersmith Apollo tomorrow night. There might be some tickets available still It's a big place Otherwise we'll see Patreons on Friday And non-Patreons on the next time Next week But until then bye Bye