BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 255 - The Haters of Zorgon 5

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

The lads speculate on haters, aliens, Hiro Onoda and Werner Herzog's relationship, Mads Mikkelsen's Danish movie The Promised Land, Paul, Chris and Clare send us some tat Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 255! 255! You cry! Why? You cry why are they still doing this? Why? Do you think anyone cries that fast? Cries that fast? For us. Cries for us why are they still doing this? Do you think that we have a, uh, plankton? Oh yes.

From Spongebob. Yes, yes. From SpongeBob. Yes, an unknown nemesis. Yeah, is there someone far in the reaches of space with minds incomprehensible to ours watching us, shaking a fist through the telescope? So you think somewhere out there there is... A hater.

The haters of Zorgon 5. Through the telescope. So you think somewhere out there, there is... A hater. Ah, the haters of Zorgon 5. Yeah, yeah. A planet of haters. They're a species that has developed the technology to receive podcasts from across the galaxy, but don't have the technology to select which one they're listening to or to turn off the one that they are receiving. Yes we to them are the equivalent of like thunderstorms or um

floods yes this is like a whole this is like if the uh sellotape i movie scene from a clock of orange was an entire planet's condemnation and to make things worse on this planet they don't have anuses what oh yeah so they have this planet they don't have anuses what oh yeah so they have no so they don't even have the context for most of our riffs no they're really horrified by the idea of it yeah it's like if we were forced to listen to a podcast where they kept joking about ziblar's yeah yeah yeah and you go oh what and they laugh so much about ziblar's and you're like what's a ziblar but then when you find out it's like repellent it's like they're like, what's a ziblar? But then when you find out, it's like repellent. They're like, a ziblar is a... When you ziblar, it's like a crazy phase

where you feel compelled to eat hundreds of your own young. Oh, what the fuck? That's them for excretion. It's taboo because we all have to do it. But we don't want to admit it. Every spring, we all do it but it's something that we hide by burying their little bones underneath the sacred tree and that's an understanding why do we do that and then we laugh with each other why do we do that why do we bury

the bones why do we know we're doing it why are we burying the bones people doing memes like the zabla young hit different in spring like that face when you've gorged on your young and feel like you didn't even need to do that like sad meme guy yeah oh man intergalactic memes that's the next stage of our technological evolution Surely I want to see memes from the next galaxy over Yeah, yeah, yeah

I want to see memes from the edge of the universe Martian memes I've seen memes on fire on the belt of Orion I've seen things you people couldn't even imagine I'd love to see alien memes. I want to see Plutonian SpongeBob. Oh. They've got some version of SpongeBob out there,

and they've memed him. They've memed him for sure. Gosh, and then imagine when we find out that humor is universal, literally universal. Yeah. And meme culture is literally universal. if what if we discovered a bunch of aliens some different ones like a like a bunch not just one race oh a few different aliens yeah a few of them are around like they all know each other oh okay like a galactic federation that's

cute yeah they're friends but they don't have humor. And we are the alien race to them that has this weird thing called humor. And it spreads like wildfire to them. It's like drugs. They just can't believe it. Yes. They're all kind of like Vulcans, you know, like Spock. They only say what they mean. They're super serious.

So, like, sarcasm as a concept is just this really destructive thing to their civilization it's like the flu oh right yeah well now people know they can say things that they don't mean like invention of lying right i suppose it would be like if we could no longer trust any anything anything yeah yeah yeah and they're like well when you're saying something does it mean yeah right so it'd be like misinformation. Yeah, yeah. Everything these people say is fake news. Plus, plus, plus.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, interesting. We could ruin... It's like when they defeat the aliens in War of the Worlds, spoilers, with a germ. Yeah. Because they're from a planet where people sing happy birthday twice when they wash their hands. While they wash their tentacles. So they have no immunity.

I didn't realize this. And maybe there are people listening who agree with this. In which case, apologies for making fun of it. But I just had no idea. I've seen on Twitter, there are people where for them the pandemic is still going. And I don't mean people who are like vulnerable because of chemo or anything. Right. They're still wearing masks and still.

Yeah, I see a few. They're still in like lockdown one. As in they're not leaving? They're not leaving the house without like three masks on. They're not going to restaurants. And they haven't done since lockdown one. That's crazy. Crazy.

What is the Japanese soldier's name? I was listening about him. Hiro Onoda. On him. Hiro Onoda. Onoda. Hiro Onoda. I only know Hiro Onoda because... Oh, God. The German documentary maker. Yeah, yeah.

Werner Herzog is obsessed with him and has met him. Yeah, he talked about him on Adam Buxton. Yeah, yeah. I really like that episode. Really good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. He's just so intense and so sure about what he thinks

and what's important to him. And yeah, I wish I had that clarity of mind. I don't believe so. No. It's so funny, especially from a British context, to have anyone who's willing to say

to any question, no. Just never happens here. no no no i don't think so okay fuck well this is a much faster conversation than i'm used to um yeah maybe well maybe i maybe i understand why some people think that yeah but the thing is is that no just no yeah i don't believe this also how cool to meet onada and and meet like because because like to us it's kind of a joke really it's like he's become he's come to represent just someone who won't give up on something this guy kept going but then of course if we meet actually meet him you're like wow he kept living in the jungle on his own for like 27 years.

Yeah. Well, he had two friends and then they got killed. And then on his own for at least like 10 of those people. And didn't he kill like a bunch of local Filipino people? He killed a lot of civilians. Yeah, that's it too. But they had to sort of go, well. Yeah.

What I like about it is that I like Werner Herzog a lot. Yeah. What I like about it is that I like Werner Herzog a lot, but I did think, like, when he was saying, your hero honor radiated this nobility of character that I have not seen from any other human being. Yeah. And I thought, well, you don't speak Japanese. All right, yeah, yeah.

So it could be that he's sitting there going, oh, ho, I'm a lady in the jungle. Like, he could have been a fucking idiot. Because let's be honest, let's be honest, look, a lady in the jungle. Like he could have been a fucking idiot. Because let's be honest. Let's be honest. He can't have been that smart. Okay, look, I know it's impressive.

Dedicated. Dedicated. No one's denying his sense of duty. But I think after two weeks, I would have poked my head out and gone, is this over yet? Two weeks? I would have poked my head out and gone, is this over yet? Because he was still there when American planes were flying overhead for the Korean War. And Vietnam.

And Vietnam. Yeah. And I guess he just assumed that it was still going on. Yes, yes. He just thought that's definitely, it's just still happening, this endless war. Yeah. Also like... just still happening this endless war yeah also like but i mean that that's he is what happens

when nationalism becomes a de facto religion well not de facto the emperor literally was god and so yeah yeah and so he was there by order of god god told me to take this island and hold it yeah and to annoy the enemy yeah that's it next question yeah also like i do think it would be completely different if if he had like a fucking tennessee accent the japanese equivalent of a tennessee accent yeah or if we were talking about a guy from tennessee who just stayed in vietnam and killed vietnamese people till 1998 yeah but we'd be like wow what an honorable wow the noble sacrifice of old chuck chuck mccluskey i just knew i had to stay in the jungle and kill those fuckers you'd be like wow

he radiated nobility in a way that no one else it's not like the japanese weren't on the bad side you know yeah it's like we've forgotten that we just we i think we just think it's impressive i was in a good jungle for that long. Yeah. And very few people speak Japanese, so we assume it was for a mysterious, soulful reason. And he definitely wrote some good haikus in the jungle. He crossed his legs and sat on the floor and thought a lot.

And imagine the way he harvested rainwater was very ASMR. And imagine the way he harvested rainwater was very ASMR. Soothing sipping sounds. Hiro Onoda's soothing sipping sounds. That'd be a good Spotify album. Yeah, I agree. You know what? The Japanese still benefit from what the Germans used to benefit from,

which is this noble officer class idea. The Germans, we took it away from them. Oh, yeah. But even during the war, it was like, no, no, no. He was very honorable because he was like a Prussian cavalry general and had a little dueling scar. And he said, yeah, it would be uncouth for me to deny you one last meal. Yeah. You know, of course, please, you will dine with me tonight.

All that shit. And then as they started losing, they just started massacring prisoners and fucking, you know, the whole time they were doing the Holocaust. So we went, okay, no, no, no, no niceness for you anymore, actually. All the Nazis are bad. Especially the Monocle ones, which were the ones in World War I that we talked about as though they were like our brother aristocrats wait so what do you mean by this so like so like like is that martial plan martial play i just mean like in just they like part of the cultural uh re-energized renovation of germany was to say you don't get enough as a class anymore uh probably in austria they banned vons if you're

von it was me it meant you're a noble and they just banned them they said there's no more i thought von just meant like wasn't that just i thought von was just like van no no no it had a special meaning in the former holy roman empire um no i'm saying i don't mean that i'm saying that like up until world war ii ended there was this idea and it was very big in World War I, of like, German officers are very like noble rules-based guys. And they duel with great honor in the sky. Like if you ever read Biggles or any of those, you know, like the Red Baron. Yeah. So the Red Baron, if he shot up his enemy in his biplane, and the enemy sort of waved and surrendered, then he would let them go.

Oh, right. You know what I mean? Honorable gentleman shit. Yeah. Yeah, but they got taken away. That's no longer a part of the German military's reputation, is it? Oh, right, yeah. Because we know what they did.

Yes, yes, yes. But we know what the Japanese did, and yet we persist with this samurai fetish bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, no, no, no. These are the guys who ran through Nanking with swords out, just chopping heads off kids, swords out just like chopping heads off kids going yeah fucking stag do and suicide bombing and yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah yeah

and everyone's still like gosh the wise yeah prisoners of war to the death through borneo i'm from the yeah yeah death marches were death marches in borneo and experimenting on prisoners with like the plague and fucking throwing grenades into their cages and stuff. Crazy shit. Yeah. And everyone's still like, gosh, the wise restraint. Which no one would ever say about aristocratic German. It's true.

It's true. No way. So I think Hiro Onoda maybe is a fucking lunatic. Probably almost certainly. Almost certainly. Yeah. What if he killed the other two guys i'm not saying we're talking about like a nazi a nazi soldier still holed up in yeah i don't know morocco or till the 70s yeah what like the ones that held up in fucking argentina till the 70s and it's like yeah still going very noble yeah shot anyone who he found you just

shoot a farmer in the head wow yeah yeah yeah i think it's because they've somehow they've managed to maintain the samurai thing everyone's got kind of a boner for it yes and also in the their mass murder was on the Chinese. Yes, yes. And also even when we were doing stuff to Australian and Americans, it was far away. Yes. They used to call that, well, they call the Korean War the Forgotten War, but they called Burma and stuff the Forgotten Front. Because the British soldiers fighting in Burma were just never the main event. Yeah.

Yeah. It was North Africa and then Italy and then D-Day in France. That's right. George Orwell, of course, was in Burma. He was a weird colonial policeman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bridge over River Kwai, that's kind of the only touch point yeah that's sort of it really empire of the sun much later i've never seen that one um but yeah i thought i thought that one that was one area where werner herzog was maybe going he was well i mean typical of him he was going for the myth the legend rather than the dirty truth of but i think also with people like vernon herzog these documentarians people who are drawn to the extreme aspects of life and extreme people yeah i think fundamentally they do that because they whatever this person has done they idolize extreme extremities not extremism as such but people who behave in extreme ways and that's what fascinates

someone like bernhard so he'll always have yeah a kind of respect for someone who's extreme an extreme purity of thought ah yes 100 decisiveness regardless of direction i mean that's why he was drawn to the fucking bear guy um yeah right that's pretty extreme i'm gonna live with the bears a real purity of thought yeah and again living in the woods that's it he likes the jungle it's where he made his movies as well yeah i'm going to the jungle to have a bad time that seems to be a theme of a lot of his work and i think it is valuable for a documentarian to see someone the rest of us would just go oh they're crazy and go yeah but there's probably something interesting here because i would dismiss someone like onoda or the grizzly man is like there's nothing interesting about being crazy and they're just crazy yeah but then but of course if you get into the story like oh this is actually pretty

interesting yeah definitely i am speaking of you reminded me with the the decisiveness of of um verna herzog's answers to things i watched a movie last night. Its English title is The Promised Land. It's the new Mads Mikkelsen film. Oh, yeah. I've seen posters for that. But it's in Danish. Oh, nice. It's in Danish and it's set in Denmark.

Okay. In like the 1700s. Ooh. It's really good. I really liked it. What was going on in Denmark in the 1700s? They were trying to farm or transform. What did they look like?

What did they dress like um uh like fiddler on the roof style peasantry okay mixed with kind of um red coats kind of rough and lots of buttons and tricorn hats okay nice nice so yeah oh yeah so like revolution yeah american revolutionary war uh it's giving american uh revolutionary war it's giving a mixture of that and a mixture of generic Central European peasant in a smock with a big belt You know? Yeah, okay. That sort of thing

Guy with a beard and a big hay loader stick thing Oh yeah, the prongs Yeah, the prongs. Fork. That kind of thing Hay fork, it's always called. Any farmer's good in touch Any farmer's good in touch Two things, any farmer's get in touch. What I like, two things I liked,

well, I liked the film in general, but two things that I enjoyed that made me laugh and think about cultural differences. And what's the movie about overall? So, Mats Mikkelsen plays a former army captain who is in poverty. He's got his crappy little pension. And in Denmark at the time

jordland the the big middle bit what you think of as the main bit of denmark but it's actually just like a load of flat windblown heather this is a chunk that's sort of just west of copenhagen yes yeah that like that wasn't being farmed there was huge swathes of denmark that weren't arable you know like um the kind of scrappy little gorse bushes and heath and heather that's like on the scottish islands oh yes scrabbly stuff yeah scrabbly stuff salty sandy soil nothing can you can't fucking grow wheat there right so it was just desolate and the king was like always saying i will offer you know you get money and land and a reward if you can just farm something there because it's like half the country yeah and it's nothing yeah and so he reckons he can do it oh okay much to the dismay of the local

landowners philip who use it for hunting and it feels quite there will be blood it is described as a western but it's in like 1720s denmark but it's great it's movie logic is the is of a western title deeds and yes corrupt corrupt local judiciary does he turn up in like a sleeveless vest at any point sure he does yes i'm in it's good i'm in yeah what i liked was that is there a bit where he just looks over the land and sort of there's a lot of that yeah scratches in his nose and there's a there's a lot of um testing soil oh god yes it's nice i love this whole thing i was watching it frontier stuff oh it's very frontier i was watching it the whole time just thinking over and over again agriculture i just kept thinking oh agriculture as in like i love agriculture i like

agriculture is about to happen i'm excited both of those and also how hard it is right yeah yeah you're just like scrabbling in the frozen earth to try and get anything to grow and you're just like oh my god i was watching it thinking this is awful you live in a fucking wooden house and it's always cold and you're just always muddy and digging and cold and tired yeah and i i get to go home on an electric underground train with my headphones on and listen to anyone in the world talk about anything that i want to and that doesn't even need a cable magic puts it into my ears i i don't even understand the things that are on my head I don't understand how any of this works and I don't care

I live in a wizard land of electric lights and stuff in his time everyone understood exactly how everything they owned worked you looked at it and you knew how it worked well if I pull that the flap goes

what do you think was the worked. Yeah, and you go, well, if I pull that, the flap goes. What do you think was the first invention that people would just go, oh, I don't know how that fucking works? The engine? Oh, yeah. Oh, even earlier, telegram, anything electric. Is a telegram older than the engine? Clocks.

Clocks is pretty tough. Clocks is tough. Telegram is definitely older than the combustion engine, yeah. it would have been telegram then anything with electricity yeah yeah yes electricity is hard to understand even if you do learn it because you're like right so are the electrons like water or not and they go yes and no you go okay like you know electrons move a lot more slower than you think oh yeah yeah they basically move like treacle. If you could visualize electrons in this cable, they're kind of going like this fast. It's not like they're going faster

than the speed. They're going, they're flowing quite slowly. That's weird. But the effect is instant. Well, near as instant. But if you were actually able to watch electrons moving, they're not moving enough quickly, actually. That is weird. I think. Please no one check that. To use a podcast catchphrase. Yeah, they move really slowly think please no one check that to use a podcast

yeah they move really slowly please no one check that well so yeah i was thinking all of that i was thinking agriculture and also i cannot believe that what i'm looking at was everyone and now it's in certainly in europe almost no one lives that way you mean yeah or has to do that yeah or it's, certainly in Europe, almost no one. Lives that way, you mean. Yeah, or has to do that. Yeah. Or it's not that hard. Yeah.

There's machines. Yeah, that's right. You don't have to dig with something made of wood. No. While it snows on you. Mm-hmm. Like, it's so horrible. Also, we now have an almost essentially limitless amount of

nitrogen like fertilizer so the nitrogen capture is mentored by or discovered by a German scientist it's like one of the great inventions, it is important keep facing the mic though

oh yeah in his distress Phil was moving his head from left to right as he tried to shake a german man's name out of his mind so the two things so okay the two things that made me laugh in terms of cultural differences fritz harbour he invented the harbour bosch process that takes nitrogen from the air and turns into fertilizer which is the only reason we can um feed the world yeah yeah that's true um the uh the two things in this movie that made me laugh and go oh yeah was the english title is the promised land and as uh the the the camera pans across this desolate heath the title comes up of the danish

title and it's bastard that like bastard oh bastard in massive letters and then underneath the english subtitle the promised land so the danish title of the movie is bastard i think it's just bastard because the main character is a bastard oh oh why don't they call it the bastard i know i think they must have just been told like oh in america they won't let you put that on a poster lame so it's called the promised land which is but it was really funny it was like a sight gag from naked gun where it was like the promised land and it's like i'm not good at danish i don't speak danish but i think i think that's not an accurate subtitle um and the other thing that i liked in it was um

there's no because it's Danish there's none of this like English understatement when it comes to being confident yes there's none of this like oh well we'll see whereas in England saying we'll see means yes I will do that because you're supposed to be polite

and never be confident because being confident is rude for no reason yeah whereas because this is a Danish movie there's a moment where one of the characters says to him, and do you think you'll succeed? And it's a really high stakes question. He just says, yes. And that's it. Yes.

In a Mads Mikkelsen kind of way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you can defeat me, Mr. Bond? Yes. You'd never get that. You go, well, do you think it'd be some witty remark as opposed to just, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it should be possible. Speaking of witty remarks, do we have to read some correspondence? Yes, yeah. emails correspondence okay okay Paul gets in touch Paul

I think I'm falling in love with Paul sure I'm gonna fall for Paul Paul says hi there nice mans this is why I've fall for Paul Paul says hi there nice mans aww thanks see this is why I've fallen for Paul seen in Clapham which Paul describes as home of the worst humans

oh Clapham's dreadful is it? well you're a south Londoner now Phil I don't know about these things oh no Clapham is I don't go there it's the Chelsea of the south I guess it's full of dreadful people boat shoes Oh, no, Clapham is... I don't go there. It's the Chelsea of the South, I guess. Oh.

It's full of dreadful people. Bochers. But it is where the Emancipation Movement started. The Clapham sect were the name of the British people who sort of kicked off the... Abolition. Abolition movement here, yeah. So they've got that going for them They started off in a church in Clapham By Clapham Common, I think

So they have that going for them They've got that They're coasting though What have they abolished lately? Let the record show I was merely passing through Defends Paul Here is a fun chalkboard message on the outside of a pub.

You know, when they put the chalkboard out? Oh, yeah. Saying like, it's stinky out here. Our beers are nice. Come in. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's not stinky in here, Arrow. To the pub. You think it is. It probably is. Probably is. Chalkboard message.

It's not technically tat. I don't know. I think it is. It's advertising. I think it's tatable message. It's not technically tat. I don't know. I think it is. It's advertising. I think it's tat. Yeah, it's self-made tat. Yeah. Yeah.

Organic tat. What's the official name for pub and coffee shop humour? Tat, I think. I think so, but if it's a subset... It's... It's wacky tat, because it's not wackaging because it's not packaging. It isn't. But it's tat that is solely focused on the thing that they are selling.

So in a pub, it's tat that's just about booze. Usually beer. And in coffee shops, it's just about coffee. Beer or gin. Beer or gin. I feel like gin tat is only ever for houses i've never seen gin tat in a pub i've seen some gin tat in a pub interesting although less these days because there was the sort of gin boom of the teens there was kablow i'm allergic to gin even talking about it um okay so let's see if you can whisper this free blank

free beer free blank bartender expensive bartender no free beer forgetful bartender because like he forgets that he's promised free beer you think that they're trying to No. Free beer. Forgetful bartender. Because he forgets that he's promised free beer. You think that they're trying to explain why the beer is free. They're trying to explain why you will end up being charged. Free beer, brackets, forgetful bartender. Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Free beer. The next statement about the bartender is not related to the free beer. Oh, okay. Free beer, handsy bartender. Well, you're beer. Oh, okay. Free beer. Henzy bartender. Well, you're closer. Oh, charming bartender? Creepy bartender. No.

You were closer with... With Henzy. Henzy. Violent bartender? No, you were closer in the sexy side. Oh, okay. Gropey bartender? No, sexiness. Nothing...

The bartender's not doing... Flirty bartender. No. Handsome bartender no sexiness nothing for you stop the bartender's not dirty bartender no handsome bartender uh no attractive but sexy bartender yes yes but sexy why what are they what have they done the bartenders phil what have the one of the bartenders done? To be so sexy. I guess they're wet. Okay. Yeasty. They're yeasty. They're covered in yeasty smells from all the beer. I think because the word is bartender,

you're imagining a bald man in a white apron polishing a glass like in an L.A. Noire mystery. Right. But I should be thinking of a mixologist? You should be thinking of a woman. Oh. Of course. Busty? Oh. Free beer. Close.

Curvy. Voluptuous. Sexy. Pretty. When I say close, I don't mean like I don't mean like synonym town. This is not a thesaurus close you're all conceptually close okay with uh busty booby oh imagine if that's what it was free beer booby bartender i i give up topless topless to, I see. Yeah. And then there's no line saying, this is a lie. Or like...

Or, well, the next line. Oh. You've actually got the spirit of it already. I can't even say one word. There's two words. Yeah. Blank, blank. Just kidding.

So close, yeah. As if. You wish. Yeah, you were closer with like, this. As if. You wish. Yeah, you were closer with like, this is a lie. No promises. Oh, clear. Not true.

Not true. Free beer, topless bartenders. Not true. In heaven. In heaven. that would be fun Next week Oh, yeah, I mean That is so exactly the right thing

Okay, the first word is false False advertising Yes Right, right, right But your instincts were bang on Free beer The third line has to be saying This is not true

Free beer, topless bartender When be saying, this is not true. Free beer, topless bartender. When I think bartender, I think guy. So I'm just thinking of a topless guy. Yeah, why not topless barmaid? Yeah. Well, they wouldn't want to be old-fashioned beer. No, that would be bad.

Maybe it was a gay pub. Oh, yeah, maybe. I've seen, I've seen, I don't know if they still do a gig there, 99 Club at Ku Bar. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if they still do it. there 99 Club at Ku Bar Oh yes yeah yeah yeah I don't know if they still do it There's a gay bar in Soho where there used to be a new material night in the basement And sometimes the bartenders there were just topless

Right But they were blokes They were lads It was like an Abercrombie It was like an American apparel Like an Abercrombie and Fitch Yeah that's my favourite pub tag. Free beer tomorrow is my favourite pub tag.

Oh, boo-boo. As though some depressing old drunk's going to go, oh. Oh yeah, or like the beer is free, but the tips are five pounds or whatever. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. The beer is free except it's not.

First beer free, second beer double price. We're here to charge you for things. This is a business. We're a business. We need money to function. Unlucky for you. I bet you because you would like it to be free. But that wouldn't be sustainable.

That would be Mads Mikkelsen's Danish pub tat. Free beer would not be a sustainable model. He would just say that. And people would look at it and go, he's right. He's right, you know. Paul says, with regards to that, free beer, topless bartender, false advertising.

Fucking grow up. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't even grow up. And Paul says, please, please do koji for your health yeah is kojin good for your health can be is it you're not supposed to leave the the leave the lads alone in your prostate for too long oh right not that the lads are in there but you know yeah yeah have you not seen that stat where it's like, oh, if you... Like, for prostate cancer reasons, you should clear out the pipes.

Yeah, yeah. Is there a point where it's bad for you? Asking for a friend. The pipes are so clean. I saw a joke where it was like, oh, men who do that live, on average, this many times longer. Yeah.

If they do it once a month. So by my calculations, I am immortal. Yeah. Which is good. average this many times longer yeah if they do it once a month so by my calculations i am immortal yeah just good so you might be immortal phil i might be um that's why my skin is so soft it's all the cum paul paul adds ps is balam more clapham than clapham which i don't get well is balam more full of wankers than clapham now okay but i don't think so it's probably trying to get there it probably will get there at some point but i think clapham is still the um hub the hub the twat hub of south london what's the twat hub of north chelsea and mayfair i guess mayfair is like it's just like there aren't even any twats there just singaporean businessmen and saudi oligarchs well i mean i guess it's like There aren't even any twats there Just Singaporean businessmen

And Saudi oligarchs Well I mean I guess it's like what twats are you talking about Because East London has East London type twats But West London has posh twats Yeah No I don't know what the twats are I think they're all south That kind of

Well I guess there's the city I mean like Bank I guess I met a finance man who told me that that the really posh thing if you work in finance is to not work in the city okay sorry not to not work at canary wharf okay canary wharf is lame if you're really posh you'll be in zone one in a crumbly victorian building oh really yeah i know i would have thought skyscraper but maybe if you're in in zone one you're like a really like an old ass company like a british company yeah it was number three on company's house yeah well the kind of bank that uh people visit at the end of a born

film do you know the oldest company in the company house the queen i don't know the whitstable oyster company is it yeah there's the old company's house please don't check that i know the oldest registered trademark is the bass red triangle oh interesting i know that's not a british company i was the redangle It's a beer Bass Yeah Bass beer Where's it from? British Oh It's from like the 1700s or something Ooh Yeah yeah

Please don't drink that No it is Bass is the A guy A sort of family friend When he was growing up In the 70s It was called

The Red Triangle of Danger Okay Because when he was young Pubs that had the bass Oh Sign For like bass surf he was young, pubs that had the bass sign for like bass surfed here. The rough pubs. Yeah.

So it was the BT Sport of their time, was it? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the massive chalked Sky Sports and smashed window. Window with newspaper taped on it. Oh, boy. Fuck, going in there. Chris has sent us some tan.

Chris? What the piss? My friend just sent me this from their holiday accommodation. It's the last line that gets me the most. Okay, so let's see. Also, I like that Chris has changed his automatic signature to sent from Cryphone. Cryphone. Cryphone.

Sent from my Cryphone. But it's spot like Chris fair enough yeah oh no oh god I think we've had this before okay it's the Disney one

oh right long list and it's all in different fonts in this house we yeah in this house we all the Disney lines yeah In this house we... Yeah, in this house we... All the Disney lines. Yeah. In this house we let it go because Hakuna Matata... Yeah, we've had this one before.

And the bare necessities will always be our guide to infinity and beyond. Sorry, are you having a stroke? How are your necessities are your guide? To infinity and beyond. What are you fucking talking about? Yeah, isn't that the opposite message of bare necessities what's this live simply yeah live simply in infinity and it'll get you to infinity and further all you need is faith and trust and a little bit of pixie dust while we

just keep swimming and we whistle while we work what What does that mean? All of these things sound like people saying, I'm not going to kill myself today. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep swimming and think of all the pixie dust. And it sounds like, this sounds bad. This sounds like you're in a really bad situation. I don't...

It sounds like this family is constantly fighting. Nothing makes me more worried than when people say cheerful sounding things about one day at a time. Ah, yes. Because it's what they teach you in the 12-step program. Yeah. So when someone's trying to do it to achieve the opposite effect on me, which is to emphasize how fine they are.

And it's just in their house, in their kitchen. So they can look at it every day and go, that's right. I just need to remember what i learned from finding nemo to get through this fucking iron man marathon that i call life oh god get a sign that says lie down take some time off yeah no it's like keep trudging or just like oh yeah or um time heals all we believe in happy endings because in this house we do Disney.

Most depressing thing I've ever seen. The only reason we believe in happy endings is because we've seen a few long cartoons. I never thought anyone would ever

end happily until I saw that cartoon when I was five. Now that's what I believe. And it's like spray painted onto a wall as well. It's not even a sign. I want a sign in my house that says, I believe that conclusions are vague

because I watch slice of life, three hour long movies. I believe that there is no ending, only that I will die. And that is because I watch slice of life, often foreign, films. I'm going to get some tat all based around watching The Promised Land with Mads Mikkelsen. I believe that the Danish Jutland teeth can be cultivated. Because in this house we watch Mads Mikkelsen. Because in this house we watch Bastardet. Mads Mikkelsen.

People go, that's very specific. And I go, it's no more specific than the Disney tat. What's with in Danish? I'm going to guess met. Like met in German. Yeah. That's a guess though. Should we find out? Oh, yes. What's with in Danish? I'm going to guess met. Like mit in German. That's a guess, though. Should we find out? Oh, yes.

Let's find out. Don't check that, except we are checking that. Will Pierre's linguistic assumptions bear fruit? Could that be a new feature? Will Pierre's linguistic assumptions bear fruit? Med. Med? So close.

Very close. I knew it would be an E, not an I. Why is that? I don't know. It's just much flatter. It just feels right. Literally an educated guess. Literally an educated guess.

Clarabelle. Clarabelle? Clarabelle? What's that smell? Clarabelle! Clarabelle, beware the smell. Ah. Is that good? Yeah, great.

Beware the smell? Beware the smell, Clarabelle. She sent us an Instagram thing. There we are Okie dokie Or maybe that's just an email signature Anyway, dear Peter the Great and Philip the Handsome Oh, thank you Is Philip the Handsome a real king?

These are kings Peter the Great, 1672-1725 And Philip the Handsome, 1478? These are kings. Peter the Great, 1672 to 1725. And Philip the Handsome, 1478 to 1506. What country? Spain? Philip the Handsome, I think, is Spain. Yeah, I think he's a Habsburg.

Peter the Great is... Russia. Imagine facing this on your wall first thing in the morning. Way too much tat under the guise of a single motivational affirmation. So let's... We'll look at it first. Oh, man. It's a long sign and it's all text i'll give you a wolf yeah that's like a meter tall that's like a paragraph on the poster i don't like this is this a quote from someone you can't whisper this because it's a lot of gibberish. So it's not written in proper English either.

Okay. Life is not a race. Okay, Phil? This sounds like another each day at a time. Yeah. It's another thing that I imagine someone saying while holding something so tightly their knuckles are white. Holding a coffee mug so tightly that it's shaking like there's a T-Rex approaching. Life's not a race.

Okay. Put the gun down. Yeah. Life's not a race, okay? Just in a bank. After yet another disappointment. That's what all this sounds like. It's just something you say after yet another disappointment.

Yet another fucking Failure Yet another splash of piss from the universe Life's not a race Look, life's not a race, alright Look, life's not a race, okay Life is not a race But indeed a journey

Okay, indeed unnecessary You're chucking indeed in there To make me think you're fancy You can't trick me, indeed unnecessary. You're chucking indeed in there to make me think you're fancy. You can't trick me, indeed. Life is indeed a race. There you go. Now I've undone it. Life is not a race, but indeed a journey.

Yeah. Be honest, work hard. Okay. Nothing to do with a journey. Be choosy. Be honest, work hard, be choosy. Suddenly quite casual. It was quite Gandalf till be choosy.

Indeed. I don't think indeed and choosy should be in the same sentence. We went from Old Testament to 1990s magazine advice. Say thank you. I love you and great job. Say thank you, I love you and great job Say thank you, I love you and great job To someone each day

I'm going to do it to the same person to save time Thank you, I love you, great job I'm going to say that when I get a takeaway coffee Thank you, I love you, great job You're just rarely in the position to be telling someone great job great job well unless you're a foreman i don't see how you can tell someone great job every day just clapping someone on the back and saying great job and not seeming like a piece of shit yeah it's like a an arrogant patronizing piece of shit what if you're the lowliest person at

your company you're gonna say great job to your boss. And he'll go, what did you say? Get out of here. You're fired. Fuck you. Don't talk to me like that. I'm the CEO. Just the typist. Great job. Well, thanks. Okay. Thank you.

It's also very American because Americans do casually say, great job. Yeah. But nothing. Yeah, yeah, they do. They're strangers. Yeah, well well they're much chattier i i should maybe we'll talk about this on the bonus part i went around the life in the roman legion exhibit in the british museum oh i've been meaning to go to that it's very good

there were some americans chatty americans with us on the way around and though i like the wife of the couple you know old american couple and the wife would point at some horrible display of some hardship. Be like, oh my God. If it wasn't enough to have to do that, then now they're doing this to this guy. And I'd be like, I know. Terrible. Just every now and then, just a little live reaction to me. It's so nice.

I liked it. Yeah, it is quite nice, actually. I like Americans. It must be nice to be American. It must be nice to liked it yeah and it's quite nice i like america must be nice being american it must be nice to just yeah yeah definitely and to be in a country where everyone's like mondays although maybe it would great if you were like us i wonder sometimes if their their cultural output is strong like the tv and film and stuff like the scripts are good because they just have more practice than we do because we they talk all the time we literally have less

practice at talking maybe that's it maybe that's it uh it's not over we know how sorry you know how they they've measured like the average number of words per day spoken by a man and every number was spoken a day by a woman and a big difference hundreds yeah maybe a thousand in difference yeah i wonder if they've done for like uk and america or just amer America and anyone. Or like South of England versus North. Ah, yes. Because they are more like Americans in the sort of

talk on the bus way. Yeah. I wonder. Maybe that's why. Yeah. Sorry. This tat continues. Very important. Say thank you. I love you and great job to someone every day. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper.

What? No. That's not up to me. That's not up to me. I'm going to go get a mortgage with my hand. What, you're going to wank off the bank manager? Exactly. It also sounds conversely like the

tat is trying to convince you to renege on contractual obligations. Yeah. Well, I didn't shake on it. Yeah. Well, I'll sue you then. Okay. Great job. Thank you.

I love you. Dreaming does matter. Again, we're back to the... Okay. Okay, mate. In a medical sense it does I don't think that's what they mean Excuse me Again white knuckling

A mug Dreaming does matter Alright buddy It allows you to become that which you aspire to Dreaming Dreaming is the aspiring. Yeah, it's circular logic. Yeah, dreaming allows you that which you aspire to become.

No, you aspire to become something which is the dreaming, and then you have to work to make it the dreaming. Then you have to do it. The dreaming isn't the doing. No, the dreaming is the aspiring. Yeah. Being hungry matters. It's what makes you food.

No? What? No, it's the reason i get food yeah huh yeah yeah appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them okay i mean i think that could have been one sentence that could have been one yeah one appreciate the little things yeah and enjoy them and don Yeah. And enjoy them. And don't forget to enjoy them. Huh? Okay. Sorry, yeah, I assume that's what you meant, but okay. Okay.

Do you mean appreciate as in, like, be aware and be like, huh, those are little? Yeah, or like appreciate in, like, I appreciate that argument I don't agree with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate they're little. I appreciate the logic. I appreciate that these are the little things of life, but I don't like them. I don't enjoy them. Well, actually, you should enjoy them

Oh okay Okay then Now we're getting somewhere A smile from a stranger on a crowded train Well I appreciate that's one of the little things in life But I hate it Well no you should enjoy that Okay

Okay then Alright then okay Now you said that Some of the best things really are free Not helpful Why really? We're in deed land again We're in indeed land again

Do not worry, I don't know, I'm pretty worried about this sign Yeah The longer this sign takes to reassure me The more worried I'm becoming, to be honest with you I actually feel like there's a lot I have to do now Because I've got to find someone to say great job to take time for yourself hyphen plan for longevity that came out of nowhere time for yourself hyphen plan for longevity that's my specific demand after take time for yourself take time for yourself plan for longevity take time for yourself you're running out of time take time for yourself of Take time for yourself. Plan for longevity. Take time for yourself. You're running out of time.

Take time for yourself, of which there is a limited amount. Oh, yeah. God. It gets a bit North Korea at the end there. Five-year plan. Plan for longevity. Prepare for the harvest. Prepare for the harvest.

Fulfill the eighth resolution of the seventh Congress. Okay. Wow. Claire says, imagine facing this on your wall first thing in the morning way too much tattiness under the guise of a single motivational affirmation I fear the sale it was for sale on a website

I fear the sale may be due to the owner having suffered a nervous breakdown the pressure just became too much I mean it's like having all work and no play mcjack a dull boy just pinned up on your bedroom wall about hundreds of times on the best things in life are free and maybe i've said this before on the podcast but um chanel wasn't the best lady but she did say uh the best things in life are free but but the second best things in life are very expensive which i think is very good there's a i think there's a spike milligan quote with something like money money money doesn't make you happy and all i seek is the chance to prove that oh that's good yeah that's exactly life yeah um well where are we going now we are going to oh god what what locations have we named we are going to the the barren

danish tundra of the bonus barren heather strewn highlands of the bonus part of the ip bonus part thank you for listening guys please come see my soho theater run of the best show I've ever done in my life Starting 26th of March But it's called Why Are You Laughing Soho Theatre And I cannot wait for myself to see it Yes, you might be in the very same crowd As a certain P. Wang And also thank you to all the podbuds who came to the Hammersmith Apollo

On Friday And saw both myself and Pierre It was a great, great show Made all the finer for having you there, so thank you again for coming. Every podbot is worth ten men. And for any podbot who didn't make it, keep an ear out for an announcement

in a few weeks' time, hopefully. For maybe another chance. Maybe! Maybe! But until then, bye-bye, love you lots. Toodles! Ta-ta!