BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 257 - Happy Anniversary, Quints!

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

The lads discuss Secret Easter, army lasers, ABBA voyage in war, topping (dom or otherwise, German or otherwise) and the pure joys of all inclusive holidays!Tom sends us Instagram adverts, Go see Pierre at Soho!https://sohotheatre.com/events/pierre-novellie-why-are-you-laughing/ Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 257. 257. Who are you getting? Who are you getting? Who are you getting? Who are you getting this year for Secret Santa? Okay, that's out of season. What an incredibly sinister work colleague you'd be okay seeing as it's much secret

who you're getting for secret easter bunny do they do that uh secret easter secret easter bunny yeah who's we yeah and officers who start doing secret secret easter bunnies like secret santas yeah you get just like a little bit of chocolate. A little puddle of melted chocolate in your cubicle. And you have to figure out who put it in. Who left this here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy Easter. What did you get for your secret Easter? Oh, well, I mean, some mini eggs.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what everyone got. What did you get? I got a disgusting puddle of... I assumed dark chocolate but all i know is as a brown dark brown liquid on my desk yeah it was uh so quite near the keyboard and my elbow got in it and i got in and the more veteran employees give each other a nod like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I think we know who you got. Let's just say there's no accounting for taste.

That's your clue. That's right. It's Greg from the tasting department. The guy who's always got those smudgy, dirty hands. Oh. Ah. That makes sense. Yeah, but it'd be so intense at like a meeting in your office now in march to go right what's happening with secret santa just really really straight faced if anyone just keep everyone on

the toes yeah if anyone listening works in an office can you ask one of your employees or bosses or whatever about secret santa now and see what their reaction is ideally during a really stressful meeting about a quite big crisis uh yeah yeah they're like okay okay okay so we'll we'll we'll put a pin in that we'll think about it um obviously it's a complex problem uh we'll we'll we'll circle back to that uh in the meantime uh who's everyone getting for Secret Santa? Yeah, exactly. So there will be crisis talks. The board is entering into some negotiations. So hopefully we should avoid any kind of fire sale when it comes to assets.

Any questions? Yes. Yeah. Where does this leave us for Secret Santa? Yes, I'm glad you asked that. What kind of position does that put us in? Like an AGM. Speaking of melting,

Pierre, I just sent you a clip of the new British weapon, the Dragonfire. Yes. Which I'm all up in arms about because it's like it literally is an invisible laser that just heats things from a distance and it's got what it's saying it can hit a pound coin at a distance of six kilometers or something yeah it just goes like that it's the future's here and the future's invisible and hot invisible and hot it's um what's

funny about being able to hit a pound coin from a mile away is that that also makes it um much more likely to miss certain things closer up than say a shotgun oh i see right yeah so it's a long in the video game it's better long distance. Yeah. You'd have it in place of a sniper rifle. Yeah, it's sort of long distance. Short distance, if it misses, it's definitely missing. Yeah. And hitting something likely very innocent six kilometers away. Yeah.

It is crazy, though, that video you sent me. Although, have you watched the video that Instagram actually sent me to? Something about Instagram's links is broken, least for me oh yeah it's a video of a cg dog dancing in the garden yeah to music it's like a funny meme video about dogs pissing around in the garden instead of going for a shit yeah reels click reels links have been going doing that for me too i keep clicking it and then it takes just takes me to a random reel just taking me to a podcast clip about i don't know a murder yeah where they're all laughing and those murder podcasts are like oh yeah well you know our stance on that phil yeah we're anti-murder we always have been um what i liked there was you sending me a text

saying imagine this sweeping across the battlefield and i clicked it and it's a 3d dog going i mean also worth considering also also worth imagining i'd say i mean i mean talk about psychological warfare if if nothing else the 3d wolf is here 3d dancing wolf on the battlefield i'd surrender i think if this is what they're doing just to fuck with me imagine what the their laser weapons i reckon that's where warfare is going you know i mean we've already seen in the ukraine war the sort of memification of war yeah right and what happens if augmented reality technology advances enough that you can augment reality for other people not just you looking through your phone but you can put like holographic dancing wolves on the battlefield what if what if um what if suddenly people on the battlefield are confronted by the four holograms of ABBA from ABBA Voyage? Just the four members of ABBA firing wildly as they charge over a hill.

Yeah, Waterloo, I suppose, would be an apt song. Dancing Queen. would be a an apt song or um dancing queen i think being like murdered to the to the sounds of dancing queen is pretty if i if i heard dancing queen blaring out i it would be quite frightening at 3 a.m in a trench to hear that yeah yeah it's of echoing off trees it's it's got abu grabe vibes it's got like detention it's like got torture center vibes i did once hear a story maybe or maybe read a story online about some americans encountering some some british tank guys in afghanistan who'd rigged up their tanks to play the vengaboys are coming as they drove around oh what british tanks american tanks british the americans had

encountered these british guys and they were funny that they'd gone through all this effort to play this awful music out of their out of their tanks so it's definitely like, what's like in Apocalypse Now when they're playing Ride of the Valkyries out of the helicopters and stuff, they definitely did that shit yeah, for sure

I mean it's just a modern version of you know, bagpipes or battle drums and the horns. What's the most frightening popular music now from a British artist? What could we use? What are our bagpipes now, Philip? I mean, Sam Smith's range is frightening. The man's talent is frightening.

Sorry, the they's talent is frightening yeah sorry the vase talent is frightening the them's talent the person's talent the person's talent that person's talent you know sam smith that person's talent is frightening yeah terrifying their talent is right is frightening or like there's something quite eerie about um their bond theme oh which one was that the sad uh time time to die no not no time to die the one before that the day of the dead with the day of the dead masks right yes i either the daniel craig ones have blurred into one for me yeah which one came before No Time To Die A Smidgen of Bumble I don't know I can't remember

Before No Time To Die It's very sad Spectre It's a really good song though Well Quantum of Solace Was in 2008 Yeah man What the fuck It's a really good song, though. Well, Quantum of Solace was in 2008.

Yeah, man. We old. What the fuck? Quantum of Solace is pre-Financial Meltdown? Well, Financial Meltdown sort of began in the end of 07. Yeah, during the Financial Meltdown, you could go see the Quantum of Solace. To me, Quantum of Solace is like 2014. I think it's one of the reasons why in Quantum of Solace is like 2014 I think it's one of the reasons why in Quantum of Solace they're paying

the sinister super villain bribes the suitcases of money it's all in euros and they're like I'm pretty sure the euro is going to come out of this okay in an attempt to be sort of future proof and seem clever in hindsight and it just makes them look a bit silly

Spectre 2015 would have been funny if everyone there was paid with Bitcoin. You'll be rich from this forever. Although Bitcoin's bounced back up now. Bitcoin's expensive again. Yeah. It's called an NFT, Mr. Bond. It's a picture

of Donald Duck wearing a gas mask, smoking a doobie, and it's worth more than you could ever know. Very silly. NFTs haven't bounced back, Philip. Not that I'm aware of. No, because, yeah, because they are just plain stupid through and through. But why is Bitcoin up again?

I mean, it kind of annoys me because I'm like, come on. I thought this was over. I thought this fever dream was over. Yeah, well, maybe Bitcoin is just like the killer in a film. It's just every time you think it's gone. Some crazy way for it to come back is figured out. Yeah, some Marvel time warp fucking. Yeah.

Well, Phil, how was your holiday oh yes well um in retrospect it was to celebrate pierre something that we missed was happening last week yes which was five years of bud pod five more years five more years. Five more years. Five years of Budpod. It's a five year, five cinquantiversary. We've done a full parliamentary term, Pierre. What? Prime Minister Budpod. We have to have an election now. We have to have an election.

Prime Minister Budpod is up for re-election. Yeah, people have to re-elect us as the hosts of this podcast. Yeah. And there are no safe seats in this game pierre there are no safe seats that's right any anyone could show up and we'd you know take it over if that's what the people wanted it's all or nothing uh so thank you everyone for sticking with us for five years half a decade half a decade can you believe it

it's longer than either of our longest relationships I think my longest relationship was five and a half years no was it yeah yeah really I think so yes so six months

from now yeah let's see if Bud Pod survives see if Bud Pod can keep your attention that long it's such a long time and it didn't I would have still guessed like in my head it's just three in the same way that in my head 30 years ago was the 70s

yeah so 2014 was Quantum of Solace yeah how many years ago was the 70s yeah so 2014 was Quantum of Solace yeah yeah how many years ago was yeah yeah I mean when I was a kid the 70s felt like ages ago and that was 20 years ago which is now 2004

yeah that's the 70s to us now 2004 is that right yeah well I was born in 1990 the 70s were 20 years before that 20 years before 2004 yeah you're right god it doesn't make it doesn't feel right that like people in the 90s people now would look yeah i guess they'd look back at the 90s the noughties they're looking at like my chemical romance like we would look at disco. Yeah. That's fucked.

Or like The Office is the equivalent of like... Are you being served? Yeah. Oh my God. The Office is like a 70s workplace sitcom. Well, now see here, Mrs. McGinnis. Oh my God. Isn't that incredible?

That's really fucked me up. Well, happy half a decade, everybody. Happy half a decade. We need a new Pod Bud title for people who've been with us for half a decade. Ooh, yeah, Fivers? What would you call it? The Quintuplets?

Quintessentialists? The Bunch of Quints. Quint Faces. Oh, yeah, it's got to be something like that, doesn't it? What's something that's so nearly... An absolute Quint. How about an absolute Quint? An absolute Quint. Yeah, let's do that's so nearly an absolute quint how about an absolute quint an absolute quint yeah let's do that i'm an absolute quint thank you to all the absolute quints out there who've been with us for five years yeah that would be that would be what's written on

the little medal we'd hand out if we were a monarchy an absolute quint absolutely absolutely oh man yes well without knowing it I was celebrating our quintiversary what's a five year anniversary called what would it be called I'm guessing quintiversary I'm just guessing that though

please don't check that it's called a quintiversary please don't check that and I was on holiday in the Canary islands in grand canaria i i sort of jumped on i hijacked my girlfriend's family's all-inclusive holiday nice and i've never been on an all-inclusive before have you i have i have as a uh when i was growing up that's the way my the sort of thing my family did because and you went to three of us i think my parents just thought huh you went on to the canary islands as well i did yeah i think my parents thought well we wouldn't have to we'll

just be able to like live as if we were sort of under house arrest if we were like uh under house arrest as a kind of formally in charge family in a country where it's like you can't leave this compound yeah there's sort of food is available there's a pool just stay here till we decide what the new constitution says it has to happen to you that's very that's really well characterized you do feel like an exiled opposition leader yeah how did is that how you found it how did you find it um it's very different to to what in my mind now is a normal holiday that other people go on where they have all this they wander around the city or something i don't know i was kind of dreading it because i've only heard all inclusive spoken about with a sort in a sort of negative way or that they were a bit rough

but this one is very old grand canary as an island is known for being very of having having a lot of gay visitors and a lot of old visitors so old and gay is the demographic of Grand Canaria. So if you're old and gay, that's the place to be. You're in for a while of a time. Our hotel was mostly old. A bit gay? A bit gay, yes. I went to the gym once during my holiday, which I'm very proud of.

Obviously no oldies there, so it was just me and three fucking tops going at it, just pumping iron. fucking tops going at it just pumping iron oh going at it in the weight sense oh yes of working out sorry yeah they weren't forming some sort of sexual triangle of topping no like a new symbol for infinity they would they would i'm look i'm i'm no expert of the LGBT universe, but I know a top one. I see one, Pierre.

And even I know a top one. I see one. And presumably they are the ones at the gym. Is that part of the top persona? I guess you should be strong. Tell me what gave it away for you. You know who'd love this conversation is Paul. I think Paul, we need to send him this clip.

Paul the tour. He'll love this. What made you think they were tops? I'm interested in your analysis. Well, because they're strong. Strong, yeah. Look, in my experience of, I don't know what you call it, straight topping. Yes, yes. Look, in my experience of, I don't know what you call it, straight topping, you are surprised by how much abdominal strength and stamina you need and sort of arm strength.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just staying up, right? The great underappreciated. Hey, it's planking. It is planking. It's a lot of planking. Yes. Much of the infrastructure of sex is down to the top yeah um yeah so the structural you know the structural um uh rigidity of sex is down to the top and so you

know a lot of strong guys strong and middle-aged but like looking after themselves kind of guys you know and me yeah oh so hang on but they were strong in like a wide way not in a kind of like uh uh slender i'm a i'm a little rock climber sort of way no no like big big star big shoulders big arms like you know those they actually look pierre like those weird uh clickbait ad things for how to be strong and fit at different ages. Yes, they look like they could be embracing a lion or a tiger. Exactly. With no sugar, 45 to 55 written next to them.

Yeah, I finally found them. They're real. Those guys exist. Yeah, they're real. They're in Gran Canaria working out with minimal gym equipment yeah fitness was not the top priority of this hotel because they know the clientele it's the gym equipment um from like a zombie movie like you break into an abandoned hotel or an abandoned gym and that's what's yeah right that's right yeah the rest has been melted down or stolen or

um that's so fast you should have gone up to him and go it's you it's you where's the tiger oh he's at the buffet i'm just here i'm just here getting ripped no sugar and i go no i know no sugar i've seen the i've seen seen you seen your adverts i've seen your work i've seen your work i'm a fan okay so they were quite were they quite fearsome and bearded or were they just like big fucking like strong men blokes they were blokes they were like broad-shouldered big-chested guys but like in their 50s i think but it was clear they did wait they've done a lot of weights but how did what was the gay element of this obviously very rare to have just english blokes in their 50s staying shredded who aren't gay but still how did you well they weren't i think i don't think they were british a lot i think they're mostly german a lot of people there were german there's so many

german tourists in gran canaria the signs in gran canaria are in english spanish and german well the british and the germans compete to see who can sort of colonize southern Spain and the Canary Islands. Yeah. It's a big battle between cold, beer-loving people. So I think they were German. Yeah. So three sort of Arnold,

yeah, pompon, yeah. Were they doing a lot of that? Were they in sexy little lederhosen they were in tight tops tight shorts but we're all very respectful of each other we gave each other little nods you know when we're done with equipment and things like that i i think because there's a presumption that we might not speak each other's languages it more ways than one beer but uh but it was very like like polite they were mostly they were mostly on the step machines maybe they were shredding

they were just pumping yeah you know what I feel a little pump in the buffet and then you're going yeah you are a top

yeah you are three tops and they go yeah I am a top Sie sind ein Top, ja? Sie sind drei Tops und sie sagen, ja, ich bin ein Top ja, ja, genau sehr gut, sehr gut Ja, in meinem gebrochenen Deutsch ist es wunderbar, Top Top, wunderbar, yes

Strong, strong für Top, ja? Planking, kennst du Planking? You know what? People are not kidding about the Germans Strong for top, ja? Planking. Kennst du planking? You know what, though? People are not kidding about the Germans putting down the towels early on the sun loungers. Like, there's literally no sun lounger available when we get down there.

But, Phil, this holiday must have opened up an entire chapter of observational British stand-up to you that was previously closed. Totally. It felt like in a game where you for like the entire game i've been picking up equipment that i can't use and is mysterious and and like the description on it says a mysterious object whose essence you can't can't quite comprehend and you can't do anything with it and then like finally 20 hours into the

game i've done the side quest made the whole thing make sense. And that's what it was like. Oh, all these jokes now suddenly make sense about British all-inclusive holidays and the Germans and buffets and the full English breakfast every day at the buffet. Yes, yes. And the English sausages provided next to like Spanish sausages and chicken frankfurters

that were the most disgusting looking sausages I've ever seen in my life the ones are called english sausages yeah i think they were just a way to insult english people because they honestly look like turds i've never seen more ugly sausages in my life they're genuinely the the opinion of especially the germans but i think there's probably the spanish as well of english sausages is it couldn't be any lower and i don't i don't i don't begrudge them that they they are on average low quality i mean the germans and the spanish are strong strong have strong sausage traditions strong sausage nations they are strong sausage nations and so now yeah exactly it was like a game where now you can fight the emerald zombie and all these anti-emerald zombie items get unlocked and you need to go back and watch a lot of mcintyre ptk

yeah uh flanagan maybe so you you check and you get like a wristband and you can get as many beers as you want non-stop you go up to the bar and just have as many beers as you want non-stop you go up to the bar and just have on many beers as you want like unlimited and the breakfast lunch dinner all provided by buffet you go down and just eat as much as you want yeah it's it's it's very risky it is um risky how i would feel in danger if someone said it is um risky how i would feel in danger if someone said there's a huge buffet that never closes and no one can stop you going to it i would feel worried for my own safety yeah yeah especially because i love a buffet i love coming up with an insane plate of foods that have no business being next to each other just like roast beef next to sushi next to ice cream same plate yeah just just building this kind of insane a dish of food that would require time travel

and and and teleportation technology to have existed even in the 70s. Exactly, yeah. The kind of banquet that a Mesopotamian king would have been given to demonstrate the breadth of his empire. Yeah, he would give that banquet to any visiting diplomat. So they look at it and they think that truly only a god king could summon foods like this to his table from any distance within his lands. Every corner of his lands have provided. Like how Saladin used to give

people ice water from the mountains in the middle of the desert from a big chest. And you just think, whoa. Can you imagine seeing ice? I think we forget how crazy ice was. Yeah. How is that here? You'd say yeah how is that here you'd say is it that here it's like if someone offered you a bag of steam

less popular less popular than ice so what what was your favorite of the buffet options talk me through it there was a lamb stew that was quite nice fried the fried egg the lady who did the fried eggs who manned the fried egg station who womaned the fried egg station the lady who womaned the fried eggs the lady who womaned the fried eggs was a saint she was so nice and she just did the fried eggs every breakfast i was not sure at all what adjective was coming she was lovely nice She was lovely. She was so nice.

She was so nice and so enthusiastic about fried eggs. And you go up to her and you say, dos huevos, por favor. And she's like, si, si, si. And half the hot plate was easy over, half the hot plate was sunny side up. And she was smiling all the time, full time, all over the breakfast, all over how many four hours breakfast was. She was there just frying eggs nonstop, smiling, so happy to see you, so thrilled you decided to come and get some of her fried eggs.

It was wonderful. It was like she had a stall selling fried eggs in a marketplace in Beauty and the Beast. What? Like that level of happy really yeah i felt like gaston just viva huevos she was just so she had an understated um like happiness to her okay so it wasn't like full-on like crazy happy it was it was profound she was just smiling and so like motherly i think young people would call her mother would say she was giving mother she was giving mother okay i've never been clear on what uh that means i think mother means it's usually like an a more mature lady or a woman a woman who isn't it just people who are trying to explain why they

want to fuck jillian anderson i think so i think there's sort of matron vibes there's she's in charge vibes but she's dressed well she's looking good she's aging well. She isn't, yeah. She has authority and yet she has an accessibility. I think that's mother. I think that's mother. And also she's a bit mean, but I feel like every compliment that comes out of drag,

you can assume they also mean she's also very mean, which is good for some reason. Sassiness is rudeness you agree with, as I've said before. Yes. It's the same as being rude, but you like it. So every day you were greeted by Happy Egg Woman. Happy Egg Woman.

The strangest bacon I've ever seen. It was thin. American rashes? Rectangular, not American rashes. There was no marbling that you'd ever recognize as bacon. It was like, so imagine a strip of bacon, but instead of like fat, meat, fat, meat strips, they just got all the meat and the fat together,

and they squeezed it together and just jumbled it around, and it was just randomly dispersed in specks all over what the bacon i know it was like this is the best steer i can give you it was like studio ghibli bacon it's like you know studio ghibli when they just put like a thin slice of meat onto a frying pan and you're like i think that's bacon but it also just kind of looks like a chop but it also looks like it could be from any part of the animal. That's what this bacon looked like. Just sort of vague, like, it's this, I'm cooking meat. Yes, yeah, yeah.

It was like meat you'd have in your inventory in an RPG. Like the meat logo for food in Age of Empires, even though it's all from berry bushes. You're still harvesting raw steaks from bushes. Yes. Yeah, in an RPG. That's right. God, that's bizarre.

I'd love to see a photo of it. Yeah. I should have taken some. I didn't want to spoil the experience of my first ever... No. I mean, I guess you could say pierre because you know you are everything you can't you know that you're given no reason to leave the compound you're kind of trapped in in this hotel and in the swimming pool and you but you're given all the

facilities you need a gym a pool delicious food 24 7 drinks yeah i guess it's a bit it's it's basically like a gilded cage basically being on an all-inclusive holiday but what do you mean in a gilded cage well because like it's nice that you get all the food yeah it's nice yeah it's nice no but but also to counter the nice element you're you feel a bit trapped but it's not you're not trapped if it's nice what do you mean no but you can be trapped if something you can be trapped you're trapped if it's nice. What do you mean? No, but you can be trapped if something... You can be trapped... You're trapped in with a nice thing.

So imagine you're in a cage, but also in the cage is a beautiful Fabergé egg. And you go, oh, so that's nice. So it's good. Yeah, but the Fabergé egg doesn't mean you're not in the cage, which is bad. So it's bad? I feel like you're forgetting the first half of the description where there is a nice thing.

I feel like you're only remembering the last thing I said. I don't know, man. Is it good or bad? That's my question. That's good to do one of those on the anniversary i think yeah i think it was that it was that um speaking of uh gilded cages and confusion and so on uh we should do correspondence yeah let's listen to what these quints have got to say listen to what these quints have got to say. Greetings, listeners.

I'm recording this backstage. On tour with Frank Skinner. Frank's on stage ripping it, obviously. I keep forgetting to plug my Soho Theatre run. 26th of March. It's starting soon. And it runs till the 6th of April. Not Sunday or Monday. For Easter reasons.

Great jazz player. Easter reasons. Fantastic on the drums. Best show I've ever done. Sold out at the Edinburgh Fringe. This is the chance to see it in London. It's great. And I don't say that lightly. I wouldn't lie to you about my work.

I'm pretty sober about it, but it really is. It's definitely the best thing I've ever done. Do come. The tickets are, last I checked, they were like almost 70% gone. I imagine that they're pretty close to that now. And also, and this has nothing to do with me, Soho Theatre do dynamic pricing, which means the longer you take to buy tickets,

and the more tickets sell, the more they cost, which I think is mad. Or at least it's dystopian. I don't know. Is it good? Maybe. But it's what's happening, so you better fucking do it,

or it's only going to get worse. Yeah. The best time to plant a tree was yesterday, etc. So see you there. See you at Soho. Koji. Ring, letters, emails, phone calligraphy, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

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your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister,

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your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your sister, your Very little. Well, what is the best mail app out there that people are like, this is the one that is the best design? Is it just impossible to design a mail app that satisfies all people? That is all things to all men, like Caesar.

Yeah, it could be. It could be. I don't know. I like the one that's just on my phone. I like my phone one. Yeah. Why is the one on the phone on my phone. I like my phone one. Yeah. Why is the one on the phone, on the iPhone, like better than the one on my computer?

I'll open mail on my computer, and there'll be emails literally missing. And you'll just say like, I don't know, we know there's an email with this name from this person, but literally no idea what it is. Then I go to my phone, then I go to my phone and it's there and the phone's like don't worry i got this

yeah fuck why also like that's it's like finding out that tesco cola is nicer than coke it doesn't make any sense yeah well we've heard from tom tom tom the dom oh yeah he's a dom yeah he's a Tom Tom Tom the Dom oh yeah he's a Dom yeah he's a damn top have you seen that clip of the guy I think in New York in America being interviewed and he's like he's a very aggressive

gay guy and he goes I'm a damn top and he says all damn America instead of all damn day he goes all damn all damn america i'm a dumb top all damn america yeah all damn america i'm a dumb wow not even a measure of time all damn america yeah so patriotic he's just i want i have that ready for you in three americas yeah i want an america of fries i'll be with you in two to three business americas Yeah, I want an America of fries. I'll be with you in two to three business Americas.

Oh, wow. What a confident man. Yeah, very cool. Well, anyone looking for a Dom-Top would watch the interview and think, well, this guy, this is what I want. What a confident boy. He's all damn America so Tom talks about the subject line of this email is being judged

by the algorithm okay good afternoon gentlemen good afternoon damn tap I like good afternoon gentlemen yes it's quite Bond villainy it It's polite, but also intimidating.

It suggests that soon whoever is speaking will have the avantage. Well, we'll see. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I have been partaking in a certain activity for the last few months with no real purpose. Oh, what activity might this be? My first thought was wanking. Let us just say I've been partaking

in a certain activity with no real purpose, gentlemen. And that's why we can't come in. Yes. No, so he says... Consider it a sexual solitaire i've been partaking in a certain activity for the last few months with no real purpose that is until episode 224 when pierre's diatribe against the instagram algorithms insistence much to his surprise that he is in fact a bald man yes you keep getting ads on instagram for head shavers and the like uh

head shavers and baldness treatments and basically instagram is obsessed with the idea that i'm bald yeah you're giving bold beer your instagram your online presence it's giving bold i'm serving egg like that woman oh egg lady i miss egg lady Serving egg. Like that woman. Aw, egg lady. I miss egg lady. The activity in which I have been partaking is collecting the frankly bizarre assortment of adverts that Instagram has been serving me, and attempting to analyze what the algorithm thinks about me as a person, or possibly what it knows about me that i do not anyways please find a selection of adverts included and feel free to make your own judgments accordingly the yellow sign is particularly on brand for bud pod excuse me

p.s i am actually a bald man but do not receive any baldness and or testosterone related advertising whatsoever kind as jacking's tom so I'm looking thank you tom I'm looking at these adverts now loading them up oh my god yeah what is that show it to me

I wonder if you could whisper these in any way don't show it to me whisper it to me I wonder if you could whisper these in any way okay let me don't show it to me whisper it to me let me whisper okay I'm gonna read the caption here for you Phil oh Phil's

you paused your screen there can you hear me now yeah because I got a phone call from an unknown number well you mustn't you mustn't terrifying Well, you mustn't. You mustn't. Terrifying. This first one is blurry for some reason. Why is it blurry? I don't know what...

I'll say the caption. Two pieces realistic fake blank stretchy. This is an advert. It's an advert on Instagram for something you can buy two pieces realistic fake blank stretchy fake blank artificial

blank prop horrible it must be a dick it's not what? remember Instagram's quite tight on its obscenity stuff you know is it a poo? no stretchy horrible two pieces and it's obscenity stuff, you know. Is it a poo? No.

Stretchy, horrible. Two pieces, realistic, fake, blank. Stretchy, fake, blank. Tricks, artificial, blank, prop, horrible. Wow. They're really going for the keyword aspect of the caption. I like that people are searching for this with the word horrible.

Is it a body part? It sure is Is it A foot? No, although I can imagine all sorts of Revolting reasons Is it a nose? It's not a nose Tongue!

Yeah! Yes! Ugh Ugh tongue yeah yes yeah oh it's two of them and they're sort of laid on each other two piece it looks like they're on the menu for sashimi it looks like sashimi on like a picture menu yeah i think that's a fair tongues yeah oh they are pretty. Oh, they are pretty horrible, to be fair. Yeah, look, I mean, but it's funny that someone was like, oh, I really wish... I don't know if this product exists, but I'm just going to Google it. Stretchy fake horrible tongue for prop horrible tongue stretchy fake. Oh, there it is.

So here's the next one. Handy blank finger hand puppet. Novelty toys finger doll props blank finger puppet one more time handy blank finger hand puppet novelty toys finger doll props actually i could say this word animal finger puppet that's a clue animal finger puppet naughty is it a naughty animal um is the naughtiness not relevant here in whose opinion what kind of naughtiness sexy naughtiness i know i'd say it's naughty in a different way i'd say it's widely seen as a fairly mischievous animal relatively mischievous Oh, hyena? It's a hand puppet. It's a hand puppet, naughty chihuahua.

Or finger doll, as it says at one point here. Squirrel. I nearly gave it away there. Squirrel. Yeah, it's a squirrel. I gave it away. Are they naughty? I guess they kind of steal stuff.

They come and steal nuts. They're often called rats with good PR. That's funny. Oh, it's horrible. So it's not like... Describe that for the listener, please. Okay, so you probably... Describe that for the jury, would you, Mr. Wang?

But it's so horrible. You're probably imagining like I was, a full-hand puppet, like a face of a squirrel, and you could move its mouth. No. Like a big sock. There are five pieces and they all go on different fingers.

One is head, two are hands, two are feet. Yeah. Absolutely vile. So most of the hand is still visible, but middle finger has the head, index and ring finger have the arms,

pinky and thumb have the feet and you're sort of making a sort of claw shape with your hand and that's how you're animating the squirrel vile yeah it's really gross it is it is like a clawed hand if a clawed hand was also the constituent body parts of a squirrel yeah so there's a real um there's a real uh uh who's the guy who did the thing and did all that body horror um oh god oh romero no that's not no no no the thing that's a great movie the thing i love it's excellent i should re-watch it um oh god it's like a german name body horror director cronenberg oh delicious it's like a cronenberg squirrel really horrible um

okay let's see let's see let's see what's the next one oh this is genuinely just odd uh how will i whisper this to you blank blank okay so it's confusing but the first word is the real word blank oh okay and then the second blank is the real word blank. Oh, okay. And then the second blank is not. That's a stand-in. Blank something. Okay, so it must be something that usually is written on or filled in.

I suppose. Blank check? No, that's just a check. That's just a checkbook. Blank potato, Mr. Potato Head. Blank face. No. blank potato mr potato head blank face no it's um it's an incredibly odd thing to want to buy or own and what is the odd things i want to buy around i would say that this is this used to be a very very mundane item to buy this used to be a normal thing to own and it's so out of date now that i don't know why you would advertise it a fax machine you're in the

right sort of wheelhouse with fax machine you're in the right era in some ways oh god um blank what blank calendar no more like a fax machine blank paper no more like a fax machine you keep saying things that are on paper blank printing press blank

like the printing press metal stamp elements. No, Gutenberg, no. Blank. It's out-of-date technology. Paper's not out-of-date technology, really. That's why I went to printing press. Blank. But it's from the same era as the fax machine. Oh! That's what's like that's why i went to printing press blank but it's from the

same era as the fax machine oh that's what i'm saying the clicky tape thing the clicky no no i give up i kind of wish no i don't wish i still had one of those i'd have labeled everything in my flat they were they were really fun oh they were good what is it what is it blank what what is it what is it blank what videotapes vhs tapes oh wow it's genuinely just an advert for tdk life on record tv videotapes four hours worth and it says it has a picture of a dolphin leaping out of an old school massive fat cathode ray television oh sick they all look like that they all had like these wild animals flying around yeah and the caption is 90s i love it for daily use daily daily blank for daily that's creepy then that feel that makes it feel sexy for videoing yourself yeah look at that do you know this story about when vh came out alongside Betamax?

And Betamax was apparently the better technology, but people couldn't make porn, or VHS wouldn't let porn be recorded on VHS, or something like that. Oh, there was some weird reason. Because yeah, Betamax was better, but it just lost the marketing war somehow. They wouldn't let porn be filmed on beatamax that's right yeah yeah that's like um yeah if you released a special version of the internet

without porn and you just thought well i'm sure this will be just as popular exactly one of these is um do you remember that fake uh uh sort of wet floor style sign i got you for as a shitty christmas gift yeah yeah i won't let make you whisper it's one of these it's caution deeply satisfying poo in progress oh i hate that oh no i hate that i hate that look i know where's that sign going it's outside the toilet i guess in the corridor of your home i know yeah why do people need to know i i look we're all for scatological embracement but i don't like this oh look at us are we being so brave and interesting and funny for being very open about it with each other yeah i don't like that also like like you're warning me about how much pleasure you're getting from your ass now

yeah dad is like my flatmate who i don't know that well um the next advert is i don't know how to describe this other than it is an autocue with a mirror and a remote and the text on the autocue is the description of melatonin. I don't know what the fuck that is. What ever happened to lorem ipsum?

What's so wrong with lorem ipsum? What happened to... What was the problem? But how creepy... That's like something from Twin Peaks as an object yeah um lawn mowing simulator for the ps5 that's pretty funny one of those sort of fake quirky shirts with a kind of tacos and cats on it a wheelie oh yeah

a portable bathtub which has got like a lid on it, like a coffin. So you could look at your laptop. You see that now? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Gross. Oh, good.

Yeah, with a lid on it. Oh, right. Okay, so it's like... Okay, so it's a lid that goes around the bath and then around your shoulders. So there's a hard surface, but below the the neck you're trapped in the water yeah a four liter black friday sale heinz tomato ketchup and last but not least a full dobby mask oh it's horrible isn't it imagine that face the eyes are really bulging but it it looks like Dobby, if he was 50 years old and moved to the suburbs and he's got two and a half kids and he lives for the weekend.

He's just like a normal guy. Daddy Dobby? Daddy Dobby. Did any of the tops look like this, Daddy Dobby? Oh, no. No, thank God. Dobby does look German, though. Is that rude to say?

I think he... Yeah. Well, he either looks... I don't know. There's a certain type of quite frightening scraggly old drunken football fan in a Wetherspoons that looks like that. Yeah, for sure.

For sure. Definitely a couple of Dobby-ass looking people at the All Inclusive, that's for sure. A couple of Dob the Dobby, Dobby ass looking people at the all inclusive. That's for sure. A couple of Dobby's hanging out by the old pool. Um, well, that's all the time we have. You bunch of quints.

Now it's time to go to the VIP, uh, German top gym, the VIP all inclusive. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's easier than German top gym.

Yeah. That's very specific tops only german gym uh yes what an intimidating gym tops only not tops off tops only yeah uh so patrons we'll see you friday the rest of you guys much love see you next time bye thanks five years maybe five more years five more years bye