BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 263 - Bast*rd Coded

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

The lads discuss size and might, clothing and clothing sales and decoding Taylor Swift. Correspondence from an anonymous marketeer and a marriage tat confusion from HalesowenGo see Pierre at the Bloomsbury 22nd June!https://www.ucl.ac.uk/bloomsbury-theatre/events/2024/jun/pierre-novellie-why-are-you-laughing Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's BudPod 263. 263! Who, um... Who fixed thee? Who fixed thee? Who fixed thee? T'was the Lord thine God.

That sounds like a religious thing. Otherwise known as, please tell us the name and location of your GP. Who fixes thee? That was a question on the old forms. Yes. When you had to apply for health insurance or whatever. Who fixed thee last?

Okay, and before we can give you this prescription, who fixes thee? I'm sorry you know who bist thine local apothecary? eh? who fixes thee? your general apothecarist yes

apothecarist what would the word be? apothecary I suppose apothecary the person would also be called Apothecary, I suppose. Apothecary. The person would also be called apothecary. Yes, yes. Yeah. Hello, everyone.

Hello. Koji to all. And Koji to... I got a cool Koji in East London, Pierre, on the weekend. Koji from a mustache. Can you believe it? I think he at least was... He had at least one of the cool trifecta,

trifecta of like woolen hat, facial hair. Yeah. Tortoiseshell glasses. Ooh, yeah. One of them. I can't remember which one he had, but he's a cool guy.

I was coming out of a sample sale in East London, Pierre. The coolest thing you can do. That is the coolest thing available. And I think maybe he was going in. What samples did you buy? Oh, I bought an amazing... I got an amazing bunch of clothes, Pierre.

And they did... And the gal at the desk did me a deal. She did. She did me a deal. I went with my girlfriend and we went around and trying on stuff, mostly for me. Yeah, the optics were not particularly good at one

point because my girlfriend was just holding the stack of clothes. She can now say, boyfriends be shopping. Yes, she can. She can do a routine. But boys be shopping, and as I was shopping, in the most boy way, which is when a boy finds his one or two brands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he loves. And so this is a sample sale where, conveniently for me, my two brands seem to be friends with each other and do sample sales together. Oh, okay. And so I just have to go to one warehouse in East London to go through. Now, are these, because you're a big fella. You're a tall chap.

Yeah, yes, yes. That's for sure. How easily are you finding stuff that fits you? Because I'm a slightly bigger fella than you, but we're still both bigger than the average british chap it is true and yeah when i first arrived the first section of the warehouse was clothes for little dolls as far as i could see i think all the lads had been at it and to clean the place dry all the soft soft boys in London had beaten me to them.

All the hulking, rippled soft boys have been in here. And I thought, oh God, I've got all this cash now. Because it was a cash-only sale, so you had to get cash out and just kind of guess how much you might buy. Oh, right. And then now I was faced with the prospect of having had a load a bunch of cash that is unusable in today's world except from a sample sale and coming away with nothing but then i found the second half of the warehouse was replete with xls and ls and xxls really and i did extremely well pierre i did extremely well i need to see i'm i keep away

from all of these things like frankenstein from a flaming torch sale because because i'm so sure that there's just going to be nothing there for me because like i can't even buy fucking shoes and my shoe size is is the maximum of the commercially available. It's 12. But I walk into a shoe shop. I see a cool shoe. It's got a cool little thing on it. And I say, oh, I wish I was interesting, like someone who wore those.

And I say to them, do you have these in 12? And they go, oh, no. We can try. We can send a parchment to the headquarters by ego. It will take several months, but for you, we can try. And I just go, I want to buy it now or never again. And I just leave. Yeah, being a 12-size man, I go into a shoe shop and I just say, I don't even look at the shoes anymore.

I say, what do you have in 12? Yes. Exactly. I asked someone at a shoe shop why there was never any 12s and she said she basically said that uh they buy sizes according to a normal distribution yeah and and so they'll buy a load of a a load of 10s a load of nines or whatever and then tapering off fewer 11s and then even fewer 12s yeah and all you need is two guys who are size 12 to come in and there's all the 12s gone.

Yeah. Life on the bell curve. I live life on the edge of the bell curve. I live life on the edge, baby, of the bell curve. I'm five feet tall with size 20 feet i'm shaped like a capital l yeah i like this wide as i am tall it's hard to shop as hell I live life on the edge of the bell curve. It's very impossible to shop. Yeah.

I'm illiterate with 150 IQ. Wow. This guy's on either side of every bell curve somehow. Oh, wow. So there's hope for me. Is this what I'm learning? I mean, that said, I think maybe there'd be one piece that would fit you.

Yeah, see? Yeah, I think, yeah. You're even further off the edge of the bell curve. Good news about clothing like this, Phil, is like a popular toilet. There's always a butt. But I took the stack of clothes, the lady at the desk, and she gave me an even better deal than the sample sale offered in the first place.

And I was so thrilled. And I've got a bunch of lovely clothes i'm into i like my clothes now i'm a clothes boy now this is your dream day out my clothes it was a wonderful day out and we had noodles for lunch it was a great day out yeah yeah i'm struggling to think of anything that i could add if i was like um you know morgan morgan freeman style god figure in a white suit yeah what would i add to your day and i had dinner with a nice glass of wine okay that that takes care of one of my suggestions yeah uh oh uh oh did i get any video gaming in did i get to watch any classic

professional wrestling clips that would have all added did i get to potter around the house doing easy chores while listening to centrist podcasts about the culture wars if it had any of those elements also been in place then it would have further sealed its status as a perfect day you get an email it's an apology from your uh credit card company and they've been under rewarding you uh points of some kind and you get another thousand or whatever points and they're especially useless yeah yeah yes yeah there are a thousand points and they can get you like 90% off any ferry journey. Any ferry journey you want. It's yours. Yeah, on the western coast of Canada only.

Or even just something like Newcastle to Oslo. And you go, it's a sort of 30-hour ferry across the North Sea. And I'd have to get to Newcastle, which is actually longer than the flight to Oslo, probably. Yes, and probably more expensive on the train. Yeah. But yeah, it was a good day. It was a great day. do you enjoy do you enjoy

shopping for things or buying things that you used to hate shopping or buying for it depends at the moment I wouldn't because I'm out of shape in the moment I'm stronger than ever but I'm out of shape well not necessarily clothes then is there a purchase there um sometimes purchase you

particularly enjoy in your 30s now or like i love i don't know i love buying like a new tub of hand soap or something that will get used i love buying something that will get used it's my favorite thing yes i'm trying to think what is the that i i'm a lot happier with bits and pieces of diy ah as in doing it doing it and the equipment i like more i like little that's i like little tools that's very good yeah it's very beneficial i'm not there i'm afraid although um i buy tools as i need them and then never use them again i've been practicing i've been having to practice radical acceptance phil because i had to replace the handles on my wardrobe doors and these are like bar handles and i i i thought i'm gonna do this myself

i'm gonna do this myself i'm gonna get a metal ruler out and a measuring thing and my little pencil and i'm gonna drill the holes through this myself. I'm going to get a metal ruler out and a measuring thing and my little pencil, and I'm going to drill the holes through this door, and I'm going to do it myself. And a couple of them are about a millimeter off in the angle, and I can see it. No one else could see it unless I showed them. But a couple of them are just like 89 degrees instead of 90,

if you see what I mean. Yes, of course. And I just had to look at it and go like like everything in me is screaming to just burn the door down and buy a new door or just leave the country and in my head i'm having to say it's interesting it's fine it's interesting it's fine it's interesting it's interesting it's what makes it yours pierre i have learned a lesson and it's interesting and so i managed to try and not freak out about that what else do i like buying i don't like i don't like trying stuff on in shops i start immediately pouring sweat like a pig yeah when i try on clothes and i don't know what it is it's like a stress reaction i'm not even warm i don't think i'm just sweating as though you're putting

yourself into an alien space yeah and it feels when you put on when you try on clothes you're putting yourself into a foreign space pier yeah it feels like i'm trying on jeans and if the jeans don't fit nicely enough the guy waiting outside is going to shoot me in the head yeah that's the level of sweating i'm doing it's completely inappropriate it is one of the few times where i feel like i'm doing an impression of a human being yeah when i'm trying on clothes like you're being observed from space yeah yeah because it's it's a rare private public experience right yeah yeah you're trying on clothes in private in public and and yes i think you when you're in private in public you observe yourselves very intensely like when you go to a polling station and you go into the

little voting booth for that moment i you're observing yourself so intensely i think i think that's right and i what i don't like and i've just written this down because i think maybe i could do a routine about this i i don't like having to leave the fitting room with clothes over my arm and then go to the sort of middle-aged lady with her name tag and say uh thank you just this i'm her name tag and say, thank you, just this. I'm too fat for these other ones. Thank you. Thank you.

You see this big pile of clothes. My body is too odd for these. Yes, too fat. This one I will have. You need to put these back for people who are less fat than me. Thank you very much. May I recommend you instead say,

I'll take these these however cannot contain me that's how that sounds way better that sounds like you are too much of the clothes so they don't deserve you yes cannot contain me sorry these cannot contain my might i would love to wear these but they cannot contain my might do you have any larger ones capable of containing my might that that i think that is among the most i ever feel like a sort of roman emperor is when i hand the rejected clothes back because they they always want them back they always say please hand them don't put them back yourself no we want them which is a bit i don't really understand why i guess i want to be we want to make sure you haven't pooed in them or something i don't feel like it's interesting that's the difference between

us you feel like a roman emperor i feel like i failed an exam right no no no i feel like i'm like get rid of these they're not worthy i feel like the genes are like pieces of paper from an exam and i'm just leaving the exam hall an hour earlier than everyone else and handing it to the invigilator and saying i did what i could i'm sorry and then just i leave and i never come i never get my degree i've gone so do you feel the pressure to be small up here do you feel like you should be smaller I just need to be a shape that exists more often. That's what I need to be. At the moment, I'm a shape that exists very rarely.

And I need to be a shape that exists more often. And also, I need to find some way of getting clothes for thighs. My thighs are the biggest obstacle to joy in my life in terms of clothes the shoe size i can buy shoes online but there's no i don't know you go thighs.com i i had some luck once buying swimming shorts from a swimming shorts company started by a rugby player and that worked out okay but the trouble is that when people have a big waist they assume you have a big fat belly and little skinny legs like the guys you see in weatherspoons yeah those guys always have that have that shirt with the bird on on the left

breast what is that little like the little yellow bird oh and it's mid-flight oh it's a brand and they've got the build of dr robot polo shirts yes they're like an egg they're an egg with sticks coming out they wear they wear polo shirts from farrah um what's the one with the sort of uh um sort of olive branch kind of oh semicircle what's that one called yes it looks like a kind of roman victory wreath that's it that's it that's it what the fuck's it called it's got a fella's name tommy tommy sands or something what is it hill figure no um so is that that So it's Farrah, the Olympic wreath one, or this one with the yellow bird. Yes, those tend to be the winners, don't they? That's true. These are the fat guy polo shirt brands. I don't feel a pressure to be smaller because, Phil, as you know from being a participant in our wine and weightlifting group chat that we're in.

Oh, yes. As you know, I'm mightier than ever. Fred Perry. Fred Perry. Frederick Pererick. And the yellow bird one is Lyle and Scott. Oh, I've never... They've got a Lyle and Scott top.

Yeah, okay. Those big boys. Here's a question for you, Pierre. Considering your thigh problems, when you're at the gym doing weightlifting, doing squats, making your thighs potentially bigger, is part of you thinking,

why am I doing this? Yeah, I'm thinking, I'm making a thigh for my own back here. I'm making a big meaty thigh for my own back. This is terrible. And yet I must continue. I must be stronger every day. What's the original version of that phrase?

Rod for my own back. A rod for my own back. Yeah, yeah. A thigh for my own back. I'm making a thigh for my own back yes that's true i but but i uh uh if i'm gonna have big thighs they should be strong thighs right fair enough i think that's i think when you're as wide as i am as a as a person you have to be strong or fat you can't ever be thin you're too wide yeah and it's just not in your genetics no it's not in my genetics to be to be thin programmed that way also if i was thin i would

look so terrible compared to someone whose body was actually narrow like david bowie or steven merchant that's it you you should look the way you meant to look you look the way you meant to look. From the food that you eat to the food that you cook. Nice. Like, in my case, my father's half Karazandusun, which is like native. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's similar to the Polynesians. It's an Austronesian race of people. And they all have a kind of Polynesian pacific kind of big fellas stoutness

wideness yeah they're chunky people and like you can't escape that if that's in your genes really that's it it's it's about optimizing uh well it's a cliche but you play the hand you're dealt don't you you play the hand you're dealt there's a kind of a window where you can slightly affect it between, what, like 10 and 18, I suppose. But beyond that, you are what you are, and you do what you can with that. And there's plenty of people with classically perfect body shapes that look terrible. Oh, do you think?

Definitely, definitely. they don't know how to dress for themselves they don't know what their own vibe is they've got the colors all wrong it's very possible to fuck up a lucky hand absolutely it's true whereas you look at like you know philip seymour hoffman an objectively odd looking man. He always looked great. He did. He had that. Yeah, he had a great look to him, didn't he? He just looked great.

He carried himself with such a swagger. He carried himself well. He chose the right clothes and the right colors and the right combos. And that was all it took. And everyone loves him and loved him. And that's all it took. So, yes, I'm going to at some point phil over the next few months my goal is to try and um uh somehow shrink a bit in size but not in might yes very good we'll see i'll i'll let you know in the old way i'm not i wasn't joking earlier by the way listeners about the wine and weightlifting

group yes well our group was a wine and food group and and then the the floodgates have opened on bodybuilding chat it's it's it's i didn't see us taking this direction it's it's it's hard it's surprising i've learned from that chat that i never want to do crossfit it sounds fucking horrible oh i've done soft crossfitty things and uh yeah it is so hard and you're doing it in front of other people and my stamina is so bad that i just start i mean it's better now but i just start falling apart man yeah yeah it's yeah i can't maybe when i'm fitter i mean the plan is like i i i have to spend a lot of money on a personal trainer to get me to the point where i can spend less money in a bigger class but when i won't embarrass myself because i'm fitter but i don't know if that's going to happen yeah that's the yeah it's hard it's really hard and i mean

we're and we've got time that's it i'm always amazed by people who stay in shape with busy days i know but they go to the gym at like 5 a.m and shit oh yeah the same them sort of deloitte working type people yeah yeah their lives are so structured i do envy the envy that they always know where they're going to be and when um phil in separate news i have an exciting revelation to share with you i think i figured out the whole taylor swift thing oh yeah what is the conundrum which specific one so obviously i'm not saying that you know she doesn't deserve to be a very popular, famous person. It's just that I was always wondering,

well, why her to this level? Yes, okay, yeah, yeah. Because it's a level of cult love that you kind of don't get anymore. Well, it's cult mainstream. Yeah. It's got the feel of a cult following, but she's also

surely by numbers the most popular uh musician in the world that's exactly it it's a depth of feeling and and regard that is normally reserved for someone with you know a hundred thousand fans and it's it's at a global level so how so i was looking at it going well why this though why because there's plenty of female singer songwriters there's plenty of you know or even like there's no male equivalent either no one is analyzing lyrics and and obsessing over a single male singer to the same degree at all i don't think men in general don't seek introspection um yeah or or emotional representation yeah and those who do like dare i say you and i we do we have our we have our the nationals we have our lcd sound systems yeah and and these are about as big a name as you can get in the

um emotional male music space but even they on the on the global scale are niche cult bands yeah and also but they used to be like bob dylan and stuff they used to be a bit more kind of one weird guy who writes all his own stuff yes and you don't get it as much anyway so i always i've always said you know my girlfriend loves taylor swift because she is a woman who is alive um and so of course you must but i've always said what is it though what is it about this or this i've always tried to add like an anthropologist phil in the jungle yeah you know i i would it's kind of it is kind of how i think about say starbucks because i go yeah it's coffee why is this coffee everywhere yeah and extremely famous and and and popular because it's coffee i don't what what did it do to beat out its competition um nothing

against it yeah but in a similar way what what did taylor swift do and and with questions like say starbucks it's usually more to do with the the timing um when it was brought to market the customer service customer service pricing yeah um and uh image and um and and hit it and and being the right price point for the product and maybe to an extent like maybe to a degree taylor swift is is emotionally is emotionally cogent for the most number of people at once yeah I think that's part of it so I was asking my girlfriend and other people about it who I know who like Taylor Swift and I know there'll be people who like Taylor Swift listening to us talk about it that will be as upset as the people who like football when we talk about football yeah but yeah so you know she was writing songs about being heartbroken and you know 20 when the a very very high number of women were 20 and so they like part of it is that they've

all grown up together right so she's she's always doing the anthemic music for your life at that moment right for a really big number of people so that's really kind of perfect timing brackets we're saying all this listeners with the caveat that yes she's very talented yes she's very good that's we're going to treat that as red we're going to cover over that because because you know it's not enough to just be talented she's also extremely smart and very savvy she's very savvy with her marketing but what i realized was different was that um i saw people sharing memes with the new taylor swift albums and they were saying oh taylor swift fans right after the album gets released it was all like you know

detectives with with magnifying glasses yeah and all the stuff on twitter is about is this lyric about this ex-boyfriend you know and and oh this this this lyric must be about when we saw that photo of them in the park fighting with ice creams or whatever the fuck like it's forensically reconstructing a timeline and and like life events and it came to me phil taylor swift is also a reality show ah yes and because she writes about her own life imagine a one woman reality show where they also release songs that contain cryptic clues to juicy bits of the reality show it's the most incredible combination of things because it's the yeah because it's also a true crime podcast she's created the most female millennial product imaginable true crime gossip

being sad it's all there but yeah you can you're saying to someone i'm not only going to represent you emotionally and be good at singing and be good at writing and be good at music i'm also gonna let you have a kind of gossip relationship with my private life which is also interesting and involves other celebrities you like and my songs are gonna have fun little riddles in either i put in them and you can sit and work out the riddles while you listen yes yes yes because even with other famous female pop stars i don't see anyone giving a fuck about was this the public toilet where she dropped her phone you know it's you're right it's because she started off as a teenage country music star yeah singing about her her issues then and sort of

you like you say grown up and sung about basically the same issues, but with increasingly famous men. Yes, and a different age perspective. Yes, yes. And also a level of slightly... But a criticism I've heard is that her subject matter is starting to sound juvenile for the age she's at. Oh, interesting. And she's sort of still singing about...

It's hard to to from my perspective take much interest in heartbreak over clearly terrible men i mean one of these people is matty healy or whatever his name that's funny yeah just an obvious asshole and i guess it's always fun to hear about an asshole but i'm not going to i don't see why it's heart-wrenching it's yeah for me all the songs uh have the subtext of i should have known i guess but i did it again uh anyway listen to how it happened this time i did it again as a really funny that's really funny yeah i see what you mean because like sometimes it's hard not to take that attitude even with your own friends when they're like hey you know that um terrifying uh sort of very sketchy uh compulsive liar well i went out with them for a while and you you go, oh, come on, man.

Don't do that. I don't want to have to talk you through this whole thing when it goes wrong. But girls do like to talk people through this whole thing when it goes wrong. And they do like sometimes to have a dramatic fling with an obviously terrible man. And I guess it's also something to seeing

And it's vicariousious you don't have to fuck matty healy i did it for you right yeah and here's a song about what that experience was like yeah yeah yeah i guess there's also something validating about seeing someone who is very successful and talented and smart go through the same heartbreaks and make the same mistakes that anyone else would or that you would yes i guess that's that that can be comforting and to be as as sort of on like this some lyric where she talks about tracking her ex-boyfriend's location on like, you know, find my friends or whatever, you know, you can see where people are on your phone and the whole song lyric about, Oh, I saw you go back into your favorite pub. And cause I,

you hadn't turned off that thing, even though we don't go out anymore. And I was like stalking your location. And it's, I think part of it is also like, wow, that's, that's the kind of sort of i can't help myself online detective behavior that most people have most ladies dare we say it dare we say right right yeah maybe so it's like oh you're taylor swift and you're like a billionaire and whatever and even you can be this torn up over a weird man. I have one friend on Find My Friends or whatever,

and I keep forgetting he's on there. And it's from ages ago when we used to hang out a lot. We don't hang out much anymore. But I just know that anytime I want to, I can know where he is. It's quite weird. It's really weird. That is weird. Have you ever seen him somewhere weird?

Buckingham Palace. What? Yeah, yeah, Buckingham Palace. What? The Pentagon. What? He's at the Pentagon, and then really, really quickly, he's in Buckingham Palace. You go, oh, that's, hmm. What does that mean?

Evan Cern. Oh, wow. He's in Cern, and he's spinning really quickly. And you go, uh-oh. He got locked in the collider. Uh-oh. I better ring CERN. Well, talking, Phil, of smashing detritus together

and seeing what flies out. Let's do some correspondence. Very good. Yes, let's Let's fire up the correspondence accelerator And accelerate them right into our ears. That's it. CERN. Correspondence emerging

regularly from knobheads. I don't know. I ran out of imagination there. I don't know. I can't tell if this person wants me to say their name at the end or not. So I'll just read it.

Okay. Hello, Filippity Gibbet and Pierrittle Prattle. Okay. Pierrittle Prattle. Filippity Gibbet, yep. I write that terrible advertising poo that you talk of. That terrible advertising poo that you talk of. We have an originator of the wackaging, of the together we joy, of the grammatically, of the grammatic nightmares.

Yeah. That are modern adverts. Gosh. Writing wankily. I can see why they've kept their name secret. Well, this is it. This is it. Writing wankily about whiskey customer service software and how fun cars are

how fun cars are it's funny to stand in front of a car gesturing with both hands saying isn't this fun look how fun this is this one's really fun this one's fun to drive not like every other car you've ever driven the ones where the wheel is a big knife Look how fun this is. This one's really fun. This one's fun to drive. This one's fun to drive.

Not like every other car you've ever driven. The ones where the wheel is a big knife and it hurts to grab it. This is a fun car. All of your advertising and marketing chat is slowly existentially killing me from the inside. Like loads of tiny paper cuts. At least Bill Hicks went for the short, sharp shock of suggesting my self-immolation yes yeah and dot dot dot you're totally right about everything thank you thank you thank you was that so hard there there see how easy that was see everyone listening was that so hard to admit that everyone

in my life who isn't listening was that so hard exactly friends family acquaintances was that so hard to just say you're totally right about everything and your taylor swift theory is is clever and insightful and not just a kind of rickety shit built on stereotypes um and you're totally right about everything just to say i'm sorry please keep up the good work destroying my work oh good koji thank you very much uh well it's good to know that um we had anonymous's number so to speak. Yeah. So this is an email titled Marriage Bribe Tat. Marriage Bribe.

Bride or bribe? Bribe. Okay. But good point, actually. That is confusing. I hadn't thought of that. Greetings, Plop and Sharts. So what's that play on?

I think it's just... They just say shortened version of Plopple and Sharty. Oh, okay. I happened upon this tat, which by some godforsaken mystery was advertised to me on Instagram. I just wanted your thoughts on what's really going on here. So I'll read you the tat.

Oh, I'm thinking, what bits to blank out here? Oh, okay. I know what I'll blank out. This is the tat. So it's a little board hanging on a bit of string. Okay. And it says daddy oh yeah daddy it's time to give mummy our blank blank yeah daddy and mummy are written in curly whirly letters and the rest is in copperplate gothic

Is this actually from the kids or is the implication that Mummy wrote this? Oh that's interesting I think it's notionally from the kids but now that you've said that I could see a world in which it's a passive aggressive way for Mummy to say this Okay

Daddy it's time to give Mummy her you know It's time to give mummy her, you know. It's time to give mummy her blank blank. Our blank blank. Oh, time to give mummy our blank blank. Yeah, so it's multiple children of daddy. Yeah, our. Best wishes.

Daddy, it's time to give mommy our best wishes daddy it's time to give mommy our best wishes terrifying that's a little kid who's convinced their dad to kill their mom don't like they're patting they're patting a gun, a shotgun. Daddy, don't you think it's time to give mummy our best wishes? Yes, you are right. Like the children of the corn or whatever, the kids with the glowing eyes, midwich cuckoos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daddy, it's time to give mommy our... Kisses and cuddles. It's to do with... So think about the subject line as a clue. Marriage bribe tat. But presumably they're married if they have children. Unless these are bastards it is bastard tat it is tap wow our first ever bastard tight okay daddy it's time to give mommy our wedding ring

yes our special day. Yes. Think about the consequences of a traditional marriage. What would happen? What would happen to mummy? What would happen to mummy? Oh, daddy's time to give mummy our family name. Our last name.

You got it. Our last name. Oh, I hate that. It's terrible, isn't it? Daddy, it's time to give mummy our last name. What? Get out of my study. And why is that up?

That's something to be put up for a long period of time. That's a good point. Where do you hang that to sort of put pressure on daddy every day for a few months? Daddy wakes up pinned to the ceiling above his bed. And that's not enough just to see it once. He has to see it every day for a few months to think, you know what? The children are right. It is time to give

mummy our last name. It's true. It should be invite not a not a daily reminder that is odd so um so these children are either bastards or the children of divorce is the implication i suppose in the nicest second wife yeah in the nicest interpretation it is a kid with an unmarried step-mom situation. So they aren't your mom, but you call them mommy, I suppose. And you love them very much and you want your parents to get married. And so you buy a wooden sign and hang it on a fucking door like Luther.

Like Martin Luther. luther like martin luther it's still a very passive aggressive uh cutesy bootsy way of suggesting quite a serious life change um very odd the email continues just wanted your thoughts on what's really going on here this is obviously marketed at the mum buying this quote on behalf of the children and presumably the children are young enough to still be calling their parents mummy and daddy sickened and intrigued from Hales Owen oh as we are as well sickened and intrigued yes and also like so what is

peculiar about this is that it's tat which is very sort of normative hun basic normal regular we're talking straight in the middle of the bell curve yes right people who buy tat normal but it's tat tat for a family situation that i would say is on the edge of the bell curve which is sort of having children before marriage in a kind of

my partner kind of way my partner family right that's true which puts me in mind of a hip young couple an artistic couple live in forest hill or something like this but see this don't buy tat especially not tat with cursive writing of mummy and daddy but see phil this is your london-centric bias ah and also your your kind of um liberal elite bias because my tofu eating woke karate the woke bbc lovies um exactly because i think if you go to the rest of the country there's a lot of situations where it's either kids outside of marriage or divorced or like had a kid very young or and there's a lot of there's a lot of huns out there phil in this

in this scenario think about all the huns what you're saying i see so you could be a hun with uh an ex-husband from when you were in your youth, your early 20s maybe, and now you're a hun who's in her homemaking era. You know? She's, you're 30. Yeah, I'm feeling this is more step-mom than bastard territory. Yes. Yeah, for sure.

You're always dividing the world into those two. Your family's either step-mom family or bastard family yeah and if you don't know anyone with that family you're the family i don't know you're both you're both tag yourself i'm bastard i'm bastard coded i'm bastard coded tag yourself this tat is so bastard coded, tag yourself This tat is so bastard coded Being born out of wedlock is so bastard coded Yeah, exactly Vying for the throne is bastard coded Yeah Exactly. Vying for the throne is bastard coded.

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, where would you hang it, though? Yeah, dining area, dinner table in a gazebo. But it would have to be somewhere where the dad is seeing it a lot and as you say wouldn't you just capitulate because by by not capitulating you're creating such an ugly scenario the sign is such a cursed object isn't it because you're sort of saying yes i'm gonna hang this sign up and if it doesn't work within let's say what three days it's gonna be a haunting uh nagging sign that is the the only application situation i see it making any kind of sense is sort of a child initiated parent trap style yeah demonstration of you know they've set up some balloons yes and some some um

some um what's some ribbons and they've laid down a little path from dad's man cave into the living room and they set up a little display yes appealing to dad to get married to to mom so they can have a stepmom and part of this display is this wooden sign that says daddy it's time to give mommy our last name or even just that single use this is at most single use tat yeah i agree i i think or real mom it could still be real mom because i mean you and i know real mum out of wedlock but i look i've yeah i've counted that out i can't imagine a domestic situation you've got that forest hill couple in your head too much yeah i can't get them out of there i can imagine free in my in my forest hill flat of a head i know i know a few people that would fit this but you're right about

single use with like the mum is, you know, prodding a four-year-old in the back. Go on, show him the sign. Yes, yes. Quickly, put on your saddest eyes and show your... It's like a scene from a fucking Richard Curtis movie is what I'm imagining.

Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like a scene from a Richardis movie in that it is surface level touching and the more you go back and re-watch it the more worrying things you can sort of pluck out from yeah the more sinister it reveals itself to be yeah oh well i suppose it was 2003 yeah exactly right um yeah well phil did you see i got a custom kit kat on instagram no i didn't actually get a custom kit kat to be fair but i did stay in a hotel where they had a little label printed that made it look like they'd got my name on a kit kat oh i love that sort of thing it was great and you know what else is on my name and on on a piece of paper with my

name on phil is my book that's available to pre-order. Yes, it is. My book. It's here. It's real. It's coming. It's coming for you. It's coming for you.

And you pre-order Pierre's book to get it up them charts. Yes, please. Help us hack the charts by pre-ordering the book. A few people asking me questions about like, oh, can I get it? I'm in Australia, New Zealand, Canada. We know we have a lot of lovely listeners, America as well.

If it's hardback, I think you might be forced to like order it, but from the UK. So the shipping will be quite annoying. So ebook might be the best bet. Audiobooks available as well. I will be reading the audiobook. And also I'm doing my show, if you missed the sold-out Soho Theatre run,

the next and maybe last ever outing for that show in London is the Bloomsbury Theatre, 22nd of June. So please come to that. Which some of you might remember from the Christmas Bud Pod Live. Yes. That's where we did Christmas Bud Pod Live. Exactly. Exactly so.

Great room, great venue. Now it's where we did Christmas Bud Pod Live. Exactly. Exactly so. Great room. Great venue. Now it's time to go to the VIP Richard Curtis film. Oh, no. Okay. Of the bonus pod. All right. All right.

We'll see patrons there and non-patrons back here in a week, I suppose. In a week. But much love to you all. Have a good one. Bye-bye. Bye.