BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 264 - BudPoetry

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

The lads consider a pivot to parenting podcast, discuss the food logistics of a polycule warehouse, do deep textual analysis on Wang's juvenilia, school report fun and genetic handwriting. We get an update on global shaman phenomenons from an ANONYMOUS DC INSIDER DEEP STATE. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 264. 264! Weetabix! On the floor! You're a young parent. There's Weetabix on the floor. What are you gonna do? This is us pivoting Pierre into the parenting podcast sphere, space. Yeah, it's very lucrative. Very lucrative. And so I'm just trying to open the episode with some relatable observations about when Weetabix is thrown onto the floor by your bloody kids that you love but you also regret

having. I think that's the vibe, right? Millennial parenting content? Yeah, I think so. I think a lot of people said it couldn't be done without either of us having kids, but I think we've done a pretty good job so far. And I think we're showing that you don't necessarily need to have kids or even be married to have a podcast about being married and having kids.

No, I don't think so. I think as long as you have solved the cadences correct. And I mean, look, I'm fumbling in the dark. I've never listened to any parenting podcast. I'm not a parent myself. No. But look, we have enough creative imagination. Yes. That we can think to ourselves. Yeah, Weetabix on the floor. Yeah. And then I guess we do a feature. We could do a feature where we talk about what stuff we've eaten after it's come after it's been on the floor. And then we do a big thing about it. It changes, doesn't it? When you're a mom or a dad, when, you know, you'll just eat something right off the floor. Like you just brush off the hair and you just eat it.

Cause you're in a rush. Yeah. If we- You and I did, I think we'd make a wonderful parenting podcast. What would we call it? Centrist dads would be a good- Centrist dads. And how we apply make a wonderful parenting podcast. What would we call it? Centrist dads would be a good parenting podcast. Centrist dads.

And how we apply centrism to parenting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How to teach your kids about nuclear power. Yes. And the evils of murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will be an anti, the only anti-murder parenting podcast.

The only one. They have been just as silent as all other podcasts about their stance on murder. Yeah, when I kid scream at us, we just go, well, come on now, let's be reasonable. Let's play the argument, not the man, all right? Yeah, no murdering. Let's not succumb to the heckler's veto here.

Just because you have the loudest voice doesn't mean you should get the applesauce right now. Yeah, and don't murder each other. Yeah, and don't murder each other. Don't do that. Yeah. I think it would be good. Yeah, centrist ads would be good. Speaking of childhood, Pierre.

Oh yeah? I received them. Two peas in a pod if we were living in some sort of pod together. Oh yes. Like a polycule or something. Yeah. If we started some sort of warehouse based cult family. Two peas in a polycule would be such a great podcast for our next podcast.

Two peas in a polycule. Just interviewing our various partners. It takes so many episodes. Yeah. And say, and starting off stories by saying, as regular listeners may know, I have 17 husbands. And that can get tough. That can get busy.

You know, we have all the problems that any other relationship of two people has as a group of 18. Who's turn is it in the hammock? Who forgot to scrub the cooking galley? Brackets we have to run it like a ship. There's too many people to run it like a house. We save a lot of money. We run it like a ship, a lot of mass cooking. Oh yeah. There must be, I feel like living in a polychole is mostly eating soup. I always imagine it like, you know, when you see a travel show, a lot of stew, a lot of like big pots and ladles, because surely that's how everyone is fed. Right. I always imagine it like, you know, those, those sort of, uh, Hindu

temples where they'll feed a thousand people a day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And it's all like dolls and it's like, it's like a factory situation almost. Look, they have to feed so many people. That's how I always imagined a polycules kitchen. Phil, Phil, if me and my 17 husbands all chip in a bit, it's actually not that expensive to get one of those big heated rock naan stoves. Oh yeah. And then you just have fresh naan as part of the, like you say, the sort of Henry Ford assembly line to feed everyone in the warehouse.

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think there's ever going to be a polycule so big that you stop recognizing people? You go, wait, who's the, who's the dinner lady today? Whose wife is that? Yeah. Yeah. Basically. And then you eventually just invent a town. Congratulations everyone. You invented a town. We're a town where everyone fucks. We've actually made a big sort of fuck-town USA. But then who will be the first polychor visible from space?

That's interesting. Yeah, it's a race. It's a dead heat between the cool parts of New York and the cool parts of London, I think. Berlin maybe as well? Yeah, but it always ends up being midwest America, right? I mean, the places where these freaky little communities become too big and become cults with armies is like America. Yeah, it is like Idaho. But what, um, that's a good point. I suppose the thing that makes a polycule not a sex cult is that there is never really a leader Okay, yeah

Our polycules usually sort of Marxist in Marxist in nature. Would you say they definitely can be I think there's a lot of underpinning of that I would be amazed to knock on the door of a big old warehouse of a polycule and to find that everyone in there was like a fairly solid Keynesian sort of big government capitalist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A big picture of FDR on the wall of the warehouse. Of course. I mean, what is a polycule if not the collectivization of sex?

Yeah. Yeah, that's it. And sex is their grain and everyone has to throw theirs into the big basket in the middle and around themselves. Just speaking about sort of children as we were earlier, my mother in Malaysia has been going through old family memorabilia and documents and she's found some of my old homework. Oh really? From when I was 12 years old.

And so this is 6, okay so I was in 6 Rafflesia. It was a primary 6. My classroom was Rafflesia. Oh yeah, it was. Which is the national flower of Malaysia. And so you're 12 years old. Yeah. This is a poem I wrote. A poem. And I have to say every stanza has a tick, Pierre. Every stanza. So the title... As every stanza, the teacher was going, yeah, still a poem. Still a poem. He hasn't dropped the ball yet. Okay, so the title, Pierre, is My Life as a Student.

Oh, okay. Okay. Is it biographical? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Write what you know, right? Even back then I knew this. Yeah. Okay. Is it biographical? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Write what you know, right? Even back then I knew this. Yeah. Okay, so this is my poem. 12-year-old Phil's poem,

My Life as a Student. The rustling of pages, of books and other things. A good and proper education, in your life are your wings. Up in your mind, many thoughts lurk, encouraged by lots of things, including your work. The life of a student has not much to favour, but wonderful and priceless are the fruits of your labour. The daily toil of a student is of a constant need. This is if you want to be independent when you're 18. That is if you want to be independent when you're

18, when you're officially freed. The ring of the bell, the ring of the bell is a righteous cry. The beginning, the beginning of the ending of fun. The beginning of the ending of fun. The beginning of the ending of fun. And although every second passed a second less to freedom to fly, the first ring means school has just begun. And although a good mind is precious and will take you very far, once I leave college,

I'm becoming a WWF superstar. Man, what a twist. What a twist. You could have given me a thousand years and I would not have. I didn't see that coming when I read it. I knew I was obsessed with WWF at the time and genuinely thought I was going to be a wrestler, but I didn't think I just threw in surprise end lines of poems about being a wrestler into poems otherwise about school and sort of the... the jail-like atmosphere of school. But I would end it as...

Yeah, I didn't think I ended those as wanting to be arrested or two. No, well, so may I analyze your poem? Yes, please, I was hoping you would. Well, I do have to say, in my defence, as good as most tat poems. As good as most poems told at weddings. I think that I definitely agree with that. Yeah. The sort of reversal of sentences and clauses to make them rhyme. Wonderful and priceless are the fruits of your labour, you know, putting the adjective

first so that you can end on the rhyme and making up and sort of forcing all these rather unnatural sentences in order to stay in the rhyme scheme. Yes. That's the kind of thing they do at weddings all the time. Adults write at weddings. Yes, this would be a great poem at a wedding if someone was getting married to a school. Or like between two headmasters, a headmaster and a headmistress or whatever,

then there would be a great poem to read. The things I liked about it were, I liked how early on when you were trying to deal with the matter of education and inspiration, you very much went for, you threw the word things around a lot. The rustling of pages. Oh yeah, I did.

The rustling of pages of books and other things, a good and proper education in your life are your wings up in your mind many thoughts look encouraged by lots of things yeah yeah yeah you're right a lot of things there's a lot of things popping up in your head and it's just like you're being inspired by these things that I liked and then I, there's a sort of a, there is a jail like aspect to education in it, but the tone of the whole thing is almost like, ah, we must all go to jail.

Like it's sort of a mournful necessity and you appreciate the duty and at no point in the poem do you deny that the jail is for a good reason. In fact, you're at pains to emphasize. Exactly as I am. I even begin the poem with an appreciation of education. In its most fundamental elements. Pages, books and things. Things. Things. In your head, where your thoughts are lurking. And uh... I also like up in your mind.

Up in your mind. Up in your mind. Just in case the reader has forgotten where the brain is. Up in your mind. Not down in your mind. No no no. It's up from where you are, in some metaphysical sense. Up from where the poem is, I suppose, when you're, no. It's up from where you are in some metaphysical sense. Up from where the poem is, I suppose,

when you're holding it. It's up here, yeah. From where your eyes are looking, from when you read the poem, your mind is up. But it makes it all the better that you very solemnly go through the reasons for education and why it's necessary and why it's good and all that it can bring you and that it's a it's a it's a burden but we must all do it

for these reasons and then right at the end you just fuck it all into a bin. Fully reject it in favor of one of the stupidest careers possible. Until the final line, Phil, it could have been written in 1750. I know. It could have been written by a really, really studious cleric from like an empire's far away. It could have been translated from Hindi. It could have been translated from Hindi, it could have been translated from

Imperial French. You're right. The rest of the poem, up to the point, has been written almost at pains to avoid anything that places it in any time, any age. It looks like I've really gone through a lot of effort to make it a timeless poem. Yeah, and it's the eternal life. I've talked about pages, books, your mind, thoughts, duty, freedom. Yes. Timeless ideas. It's the timeless struggle of the student. I could easily read this poem carved into an obelisk from Egypt 5,000 years ago. It like in the British Museum, people would be like, but who was responsible for

running the Pharaoh's kingdom in order to correctly tax the people under the Pharaoh and to organize the army to fight the Babylonians and the Assyrians? A large clerical class had to be created and they were administered and they had exams. You go, oh, wow, interesting. And then you'd read this poem and you'd be like, wow, not so different from today. And the one thing that just dynamites that entire impression is to say, but I will become a WWE superstar. Like, it's been graffitied onto the obelisk in the museum in fucking Markapen.

It's insane modern. Also like, nothing in the poem about, you know, I'm already lifting a lot of weights. I'm bulking Getting really strong also what's funny to me Piers you can't see but you know, like I said every stand Every stanza has a little tick in red pen from the teacher. Yeah. Yeah, and like each so the end of the first stanza education in your life are your wings tick stands education in your life are your wings tick a lot of things your work tick and other bottom of each one is just a stick and then right at the bottom I'm becoming a WWF superstar identical to like it's all been consistent like it's almost like the teacher was expecting this conclusion. He went, yep, and there you go.

Very good. And there's the catharsis he has been betrayed. Like it's a classic plot, you know? That's it, yeah. Yes, and right at the end of the poem, the son must replace the father. Yes, yes, yes. That's good, like as they were going through it. And at the end, the student becomes a professional wrestler.

Correct, there we go. That's good. Like as they were going through it. And at the end the student becomes a professional wrestler. Correct. There we go. Just going. You have books. You have to use books to inspire you and give you new thoughts. Yes, that's right. It's important to learn these things so that you can be independent when you're older.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Yeah, that's wonderfully put. There's a very rigid structure around education. It can be quite restricting to the idea of your freedom. Yes. Yes, that is true That's the price we pay. I will be a wrestler. Yes, very good No stopping there Yeah, it would be amazing if at the bottom in red it just said what the hell just right at the last line what

right at the last line. What? I, well, also, well, I've also made, done a drawing in this poem on one side. And I think that, I think this sort of indicates that I might have had some sense of humor about this because it's a, it's a, it's a book. And on the top says UPSR, which was sort of the name of the exams we were building up towards in Malaysia, the UPSR. And so it's UPSR textbook, and then in the middle, it says professional wrestling textbook. Nice. Okay. Yes. So I think from this, we can safely assume the author had some self-awareness about his work and about the subject matter. It's one of the great difficulties of using

something like poetry to analyze the historical record because if you find a long poem that goes on and on about how solemn and dedicated it is, it's very hard to discern irony across hundreds of years. It has to be very overdone for you to sort of go, okay, he's kind of making fun of how much work there is to do. I think, yeah, the twist at the end really makes it into a satirical work. I've also been, she's also sent me a report card from my GCSE school when I was on boarding in Brunei. Yeah. She's also sent me a report card from my GCSE school when I was boarding in Brunei.

From a report from my form tutor, Mr. Turner. Good egg, Mr. Turner. He was a submarine man. He used to work in the Royal Navy in the submarine. Oh, cool. He was very short, so the joke was he never had to duck in his in his submarine and the head the the deputy head of school or head of principal here has written the term excellent seems the only way to describe your results and comments good

luck for the future Phil I look forward to hearing about you I just crushed it Pierre I was crushing it all the time. I would look forward to reports. From Mr Turner himself, once again Philip has produced a report that highlights the very exacting standards he sets himself. In some subjects he has even improved, namely English literature and language and music, just as impressive is his effort grade with nothing below good. To ensure his success, Phil must plan and implement a carefully thought out program of revision. This is what the teachers always, I always thought this was bullshit.

The tutors who had, for the kids who could not improve and the tutors had no advice to give, they would just say, the important thing now is that he revises. And I'd read it and go, yeah, I fucking know, man. What do you think I'm just gonna stop here? But they gotta write something. Who are you talking to? Who do you think you're fucking talking to Mr. Turner? I have been Philip's form tutor for the last two years and have had the pleasure of seeing him mature both academically and as a young man. Sexy. Very sexy. He has played a full role in Tutor Group and the house system. Of course, most of the school remember Philip for his wonderful voice. I've got an original copy of a CD in the hope it might be worth money in times to come when

Philip has made it big as an entertainer. Well, he was sort of half. Yeah. He sort of half had it there. I know Philip will be missed by his many friends and wish him well for his final examinations and for his studies in Bath. So this is when we knew we were moving to Bath. Oh, and after school activities included barbershop choir, philosophy and football. Again a real left turn at the end with football.

Yeah, basically everyone had to do football. We had this massive field. There was basically like a North Korean military parade every afternoon because the whole field just be full of kids and just people just running, doing football. Like there's so many separate football pitches set up That's that's I think What's what's funny is that? It's so hard to explain to people that you can have had a report like that and still want to be a fucking clown

You know, but even then you could tell I I mean, the clues are there the whole time here. Yeah. WWF superstar. Yeah. We I will appreciate Phil's wonderful singing voice embedded in all the all this stuff about academia are these little hints of what was truly to come or was bubbling under the surface. Yes, a desire to be silly and to not have to do as much work. That's it. That's it. And certainly to not have to make a revision plan. No! God, even those words

sent a chill down my spine. Revision plan? I don't know, man. I'll just revise for the exams coming up, shall I, buddy? I always hated those. What do you mean, I know what my exams are, for the exam that's coming up shall I buddy I always hated those yeah what do you mean I know when my exams are I know which books they refer to I'll read them then I was I couldn't have but I always knew it was for the benefit of other

students not me but but yeah I got annoyed about it if I wanted to say to the tutor if you don't have anything to say just don't say anything just say great and then leave it you don't have anything to say, just don't say anything. Just say great and then leave it. You don't have to make up this, uh, Philip needs to make sure now to bet. I was good. Yeah, I know. I know. Don't just say it all. Fantastic.

It's fine. It's all for the parents benefit. Yeah. But it's also so that they can say, uh, I am doing something. I told you, I told you to revise. And he did. Good. Well, good.

And you didn't stop my fault. I told you. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Well, good. And you didn't stop my fault. I told you. Yeah. Yeah. I think school was the first time I saw someone put more effort into a plan than into the execution of the plan. Oh yeah. They're always a student. So I had their revision, their exam timetables, written timetables, like put it on like fucking it was like a serial killer yeah hunting the zodiac notes and yeah exactly it was like zodiac of all these dates and the things and color coding and highlighters oh my god some of the color the num some of these kids the highlighters they had

colors i'd never imagined before no clothes i'd saw one existed. I saw one that was blue. Oh Yeah, oh I've seen I've seen I went to school with girls who? Blasted past bloop. Yeah, we're talking move We're talking violet. We're talking neon green. Yeah the green that was a big one And it did seem to be mainly a girl thing. Big, organized personal binder, a lot of highlighters, a lot of different colored pens for different things. Yeah, I took on the highlighting of textbooks later on in my academic career, only to then

hear or read or find out that there's no evidence that highlighting helps you learn or retain knowledge at all, and it might actually be detrimental. It's just for finding it when you're flicking through the book, I suppose. That's the most I could say for it. Definitely it's not like, well, of course, I've read that more powerfully now because of the colors. Yes, but I was found they ended up highlighting so much, it defeated the purpose. The whole page is... It turns out I need to know all of this. So I've just highlighted the whole book. Yeah, I'm just gonna dip this book

in highlighter ink like a trough. Just bloop. Okay, now I know. You have one of those like paint spray guns that you use for painting cars and you're just flicking from one page to the next. Pssst, tsssht. This book is like sopping.

With highlightering, now I know. Now I know what I need to know. Ha ha ha. How did that report card compared to maybe yours, Pierre, at a similar age? It sounded pretty avuncular. I don't know if mine would have been avuncular. It was quite avuncular. It was quite avuncular.

I think mine would have been avuncular like that from teachers who I got on with. Right. But it's probably more formal. I mean, yeah, formal older school. I remember I had a teacher who, like, regardless of my grades, was obsessed with the fact that I had bad handwriting. Oh, yeah, one of those. I'm looking, I'm looking at the handwriting of my poem there, Pierre, from when I was 12 years old. Yeah. No lie, exactly the same as now. Really? Exactly the same. My handwriting's always been exactly the same. Never nice, but always readable.

Always clear, but ugly. Chicken scratch. Mine's always a bit weird and spidery. I think Mr. Turner actually always called it chicken scratch. Yeah, well mine always looked a bit haunted. Yes, yes, mine looked haunted. Like the writing you'd find in the drawer of a desk in an abandoned mansion. Yes, and this is interesting. I'd never seen anyone write like me until when I was writing my book,

Side Splitter, still available, I was looking at old photographs of my grandfather and my mother's side. So my English grandfather and on the backs of some of these photographs, he'd written where he was, what, what the date, what, what he was doing. And these handwriting is exactly like mine. Oh, weird. Really weird. It's spooky when I saw it. I was like, Oh my God, I've never seen this.

I'd never seen my handwriting in anyone else before. Then my grandfather has exact same handwriting. Was it exactly the same in a particular weird letter formations that you did or? Yeah. And the spacing between letters and sort of the, where the loops went and yeah, it's, yeah, it's really weird. It looked exactly the same. That is odd. It was really odd. And I And this is not something that I thought was fundamental enough to like skip a generation like that. And maybe it's coincidence,

maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it certainly seemed that way to me. Something to do with like teaching methods that have, as this has coincidentally stuck around. But he and I had completely different teaching in completely different countries at completely different times. He never taught me to write. No, well, where did he go to school? My grandfather went to school in England in Derby.

Yeah, well, but maybe, you know, you're enough of the colonial British, I don't know. Yeah, but he's not. But then I've never seen anyone else with it. It is spooky that kind of thing. But it sounds far-fetched that that kind of thing would be genetic, but I don't know. I it did seem that way. Yeah, it is odd that kind of thing where like your parents tell you that you've

got a mannerism that's the same as one of their parents. And you've never, in my case, often never met that person. Hmm. Hmm. Genetics is a very frightening area. It's mysterious. Yeah. What is nature? What is nurture?

I, uh, yeah, I had some teachers who, who were, I would say their approval of me was begrudging. Why? Because I was annoying. I was, uh, I thought you was like quiet and studious and well behaved. I was quiet socially, but I would, I would if I thought a teacher was wrong about something I would argue with them or ask them I would ask them quite you know direct questions about it. I was like that with religion in Malaysia my school. The teachers the religious

teachers would like me for being a well-beh intelligent boy, but were found were confounded my atheism, my 11 year old atheism. And it was the noughties, the golden age of atheism. Yes. I was part of that gang. It was me. Um, Sam, uh, Sam fucking, Oh, my names are escaping me today. Um, Christopher Hitchens, Yes. Richard Dawkins. Little chubby 11 year old Phil Wang in Borneo. The Miss Marina.

Telling Miss Marina there was no God. Poor Miss Marina. She was such a good egg. Really sweet lady Miss Marina. She showed us all a bootleg copy of Passion of the Christ, far too young, but she was a good egg. Well that's... She was a good egg.

Well that's one of the earlier things on this podcast where we were discussing the sheer international appeal of antisemitism. Yes. And your classmates saying Jews to the moon after being made to watch. Yeah, one particularly odd classmate who always had a sort of sociopathic glint in his eye. Yeah, a frog torturer. But in his defense, he was a child and it was that movie that was known among adults as an anti-Semitic movie.

He was a child reacting to adult propaganda. Yeah, the false was not his. Yeah, yeah, I think that's fair. If you show a child incredibly graphic adult propaganda and they go, wow, I see the point, then what it is is a chilling illustration of the effectiveness of the propaganda, I suppose. Yeah, religious.

And also it's like an ancient, like the God killers, the most ancient anti-Semitic tropes. Yes, yes. It was well and truly alive in the Hollywood movie in the 20th century. Yeah, in the 21st century, you could give someone a prejudice from a story that was used to inspire prejudice in probably the year 30 or whatever, or not 30. It wouldn't have been 30. It was the year 70. Yeah. You go, wow, this is an effective prejudice my god still going huh still going yeah well speaking of ancient bigots who are incredibly still at it we should go letters, emails, phone calligraphy, tweets, your sister, and my sister. Correspondence.

We have heard from an anonymous Washington DC based near-Pistorian. Wowee! Mr. President. Could it be? That's why he's always so distracted. He's waiting to get back to the next episode of Bud Pod. That's it, yeah. I gotta listen to my podcast, Jack. He's super into... He's got a bum bum life mug that he's gonna drink from during the debates and it's gonna inspire a lot of

analysis. He's got a little sign on his desk in the Oval Office that says, the bum bum stops here. Everyone's too certain he has dementia to question it. And actually it's from a podcast. Maybe when our generation goes C now, that's what we'll use to cover up our flubs. We're trying to cover up from going senile. And our kids will be like, Dad, I told you that his name was Derek.

And you go, I know, I was referencing a thing from a podcast. You wouldn't know. It's a podcast from ages ago. Okay. And it was a Patreon only episode, so there's you can't find out. Wow, so we've got a DC insider. We got a D exactly a DC insider. The subject line is don't cry just call and solve problem.

Okay, don't cry just call and solve problem okay don't cry just call and solve problem mmm dear gee yeah so smelly and I've yeah dear hang on this my my oh no my my pop shield has fallen off which is not a useless oh no you can't protect yourself from pops you're now vulnerable to pops never been more pop vulnerable in my life okay there we go dear gee yes so

smelly and I feel like wanking it yeah it works it works finally an excuse to email bud pod despite my boring Lee continent and blissfully tat free life It's funny a life being referred to as continent instead of content must be want to content life Yeah, our listeners. Yeah, not our beleaguered listeners. Just a continent one would be good beleaguered is really funny Just a continent one would be good. Beleaguered is really funny.

Like a politician with scandals set upon by diarrhea. Just beleaguered. I recently listened to the episode in which a listener emailed in about junk mail from a problem-solving sheikh. Oh yes, yes. Yeah, I remember that. That's a while back. By coincidence, only a few days after listening to that episode, I came across the attached poster in Kampala, Uganda. Ah! Which I am currently visiting for work, which makes similar problem-solving claims. Ah! Um, so let's see.

What a jet-setting DC lifestyle. I wonder, maybe they are the ambassador to Nigeria. Oh. Of Nigeria. Or just maybe an assassin. Oh, all that. So here's the poster from Uganda. Okay, are you ready? Oh shit, did I say Nigeria? Yeah. I heard Nigeria, I meant Uganda.

It's all the same to you, Phil. It's all the same to me. So, Dr. Jamil. Okay. That's what it says at the top. It's text only, I don't know if you can see. It's just a block of text. Oh yeah, very dense.

Yeah. So Dr. Jamil, traditional heal and then a mobile number and the Dr. Jamil is offering you seven things, Phil. Seven services. Number one, to bring back lost lover. Okay. You had a lover, you lost. You don't know where you put them. You had a lover, you lost them. You don't know where you put them. They were in the shopping mall with you getting a frozen yogurt and now they're gone. So bring back lost lover. Number two, bring back lost properties. Okay.

Okay. This is something handy. Number three. But this is a, cause they're called Jamil. Dr. Jamil? Dr. Jamil, yeah. Okay, bring back lost properties is... I would say out of the remit of a doctor. Bring back a lover. I can make the stretch, but just finding your stuff?

Finding some keys. We need a surgeon on this. Well, number three. Manpower. We need a surgeon on this. Well number three, manpower. Oh, so just like a dog's body, just like helping you move the sofa. There's a space between man and power, so I'm unclear on what manpower. Like maybe it just means like being manly having a boner is this boner again It must be all these adverse usually have at least some allusion to virility I help you for reality well step number four penis enlargement very clear there you go there we go there you go

He takes this with the manpower There we go. There you go. He teased us with the manpower. Manpower. And now he's not hiding anything anymore. It's taken, it's taken large. Number five, this is a curious combination. I don't think I would have expected these things to go together such that they should

all just be in number five. Okay? Okay. Wow. Okay. Stop smoking and win games. What? Dude. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, games isn't, I guess, like, stop smoking. I guess sports maybe? Yeah, yeah. You probably would start to win more games and sports if you stopped smoking, but, I

don't know, poker? Poker? Pogo jazz? Snakes and ladders? Are you sick of losing at snakes and ladders? Stop smoking! Oh, you better put the Marlboro Red down, son. It would be a very funny thing warning to see on a packet of cigarettes in a western

country. May damage chess performance. You will lose more games. The annoying thing is it probably helps. Just focuses you in a way, I reckon. Yeah, that's true. If you, yeah, that's the annoying thing. Stop smoking and win games.

That's number five. Number six. Why? Now this is written as kind of misspelled as bareness in women, but I think it's barrenness. So like infertility. So that's more like a doctor area. We're back to traditional doctor area.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Step number six, court and land issues. Court and land issues? Court and land issues? Yeah, land disputes, ownership of land and legal troubles. Ah, okay, okay, okay. Not, not as opposed to seafaring issues. Issues of the land, boy. Oh, I don't know anything about that.

I know nothing of land issues. I only know about sea issues. Like if you say to a sea captain, yeah, the trouble is that me and my wife were redecorating our front room. Front room on a ship? No, in our house. Ah, these are land issues. No, I'm afraid I cannot help ye. Cannot help ye with this.

It's a houseboat? Ah, now we're talking. Number seven, customer attraction in business. Now into the economics. Okay, marketing PR. Yeah, marketing and PR, yes. Yeah, and who's better to learn from in terms of marketing and PR than a guy with such a threatening poster on a random fucking electricity pole? Well, it got to us, it got to us.

It's global, Dr. Jamil. It's global, he's gone international. So this is the dr jameel one that our anonymous listener has sent us and he continues he they actually don't know no I'm not sure they but bum chums through my travels I know this to be a global phenomenon as evidence evidence, I attach number one, a poster I came across in Accra, Ghana a few years ago, and two, a newspaper ad I saw in India.

Huh. Where I'm originally from, a clue. Ah! So, here is the Ghana one. It's quite, oh, it's quite a poster. My word. No, can that be the Ghana one? Oh, I see why that he was, or he, they are clarifying which one is from India, because

the Ghana one is pretty Indian. There's a giant picture of... Who is the cross-legged blue god? Oh. Do you know what I mean? What head did they have? Human head, a kind of leopard print. This guy. Oh, you know this guy. Shiva. I think it's Shiva. It does look like Shiva, doesn't it? I'm not sure though.

Okay, so here's the poster. Oh, it might be Vishnu actually. Vishnu, the blue guy sitting down. Vishnu. Okay, here we go. So there's a picture of Vishnu. This is in Ghana. This is not the Indian one, Phil. Interesting. And it says, the world ancient spiritual society, the inner circle, Indian mystic spiritual temple. Interesting. Well, it is sort of heartening to hear that Hinduism is appropriated to sell spiritual stuff in Ghana as well as here. It seems like a global thing. Yeah, using India as a source for woo woo is a global fetish.

No one is safe from nominally Indian gibberish. So these are the people who are welcoming you to something, Phil. This is the organization. Excuse me. The World Ancient Spiritual Society, space, the inner circle, next line, Indian Mystic Spiritual Temple,

gosh. Welcome you to Chief King of Truth. Okay. I would say these people need to slim down on the titles. Yeah, there's a lot of... I think they need to talk to the Buddhists and practice their ability to lose possession of words because they've collected too many words. Yeah, Chief King of Truth is enough. I'm already paying attention if you say I'm talking to the Chief King of Truth. I'm already interested. The Chief King of Truth. Yeah. Chief King. The Chief King. The Chief King. Yeah, there's other kings of truth, but this is the main one, which is reassuring.

Yes, great. Consult us for all your spiritual problems, such as... And these are, these are a list of, it says there's a list of spiritual problems, but... You keep losing your snakes and ladders. Yeah. Imagine all of them is like games. You just suck at games. You can't win a board game to save your life. You come last and ticket to ride every fucking time. So here are the problems. Rich without ritual. Oh, I quite like that as wordplay.

Rich without ritual. Yeah. But yeah, what does that mean? Rich without ritual. So you become does that mean rich without ritual? So you become rich but I see what you're thinking. This is gonna need me to do a big ritual now Yeah, no this with the way we do it. You just get rich. No, it's we finally we've found a way to get rich ritual free You know how your neighbors a multi-millionaire

Well, of course he is. He has rituals all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't have time with your busy schedule to be putting on a ritual every day. Have you seen the... Well, we've got the answer. Oh, he might earn a million dollars a year, Phil, but have you seen the outlay on these rituals?

The overheads on these rituals, my God. My God, sorry. The overheads on these rituals, my god! My gods, sorry. The overheads on these rituals. Yeah. Business success charm. Winning contract. Initiation. Initiation? Yeah, that's threateningly vague. Yeah, they really sneak that in, huh? Initiation. We'll make you rich, we'll make you happy. Initiation. Ask without refusal. Commanding charm ring love attraction do as I say what no it doesn't say do as I say do as I say does it that's one of the things you can get help with this do as I do as I say do as I say but is this

are they just seeding in like NLP phrases into this ad? Maybe. Maybe. Because I'm also one before the initiation. Do as I say. Initiation. Ask without refusal. Commanding charm ring. Love attraction. Do as I say. Quick marriage. Bareness. Any type of disease. That's big. Wow. I would open with that. As in they'll give you any type of disease or heal you of any type of disease that's big Wow I would give you any type of disease or heal you of any type of unclear but either way impressive I would open with any type of disease way above do as I say in business without ritual or whatever much bigger infection Spiritual power for vision. Miracles. Crowd and healing for women and men of God. That is...

Crowd and healing? Crowd and healing for women and men of God. Gosh, okay. What about the medical help that precedes this? The infections and the old diseases. Any type of disease, then infection. So that's for people who are not men and women of God. Yeah, I guess, spiritual power for vision.

Which sounds like the kind of thing that Deloitte would release. Yes. Like a consultant would say, what's our new motto for a company? What about spiritual power for vision? How about that? Yeah, it's a line from a car advert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Miracles crowd and healing for women and men of God election victory, business success charm. That's twice. That's the second time they've said that. They need to prove election victory. Politicians are going to need this. To change your star to normal mode. I don't know about you, Phil, but my star has not been in normal mode for a very long time now. I'd say it's been in wacky mode. Goblin mode. Goblin mode star. My star has been goblin mode for too long. And only the chief king of truth can. So I quite like this. This reminds me of the way people talk in South Africa. Underneath

this big long list it says, whatever your problem, come, we must surely help you. Yeah. Come. Come. Come, we must surely help you. Whatever your problem, come, we must surely help you. And then in much bigger letters, a trial will convince you what god this this advert is sound in moments it sounds really helpful and and welcoming and getting whiplash and this seems a real desire there to help me and then they'll just say something

like ritual or initiation or do as i say and there will be a trial. Yeah and then underneath a trial will convince you it says delay is dangerous. Woof. Yeah. Act now basically. Yeah so then ding dong ding. We'll have to blast through the India one. Yeah I'll blast through it in one big go.

Okay. Call and get solution. Are you in problem? All India open challenge. Don't cry, just call and solve problem. Nothing is impossible for me. Problem like business, forging tours, love affairs, husband and wife queries, real estate divorce, intercast love marriage, family dispute, court case, sickness, woman enemy.

Oh, finally. If your husband, lover or son is Uda anybody's influence, call once. Cheated lovers, once call me. A to Z, problem solution. If you have lost faith on astrologer, tantrics or pandit, then please call Mian Khan. Mian Khan? The guy's name is Mian Khan? That's his name, Mian Khan. The guy's name is Mian Khan? That's his name, Mian Khan.

Wow. Pandit. Presumably, Pandit is the origin of pundit. Oh, yeah. Good. Great shout. Absolutely a pundit. Yes.

A soothsayer. Ah. Must be. Oh, that's good work. Well done. I like that a lot. Don't just cry. Don't cry.

Just call and solve problem. I like the cut lot. Don't just cry. Don't cry. Just call it solve problem. I like I like the cut to that one's jib. I have to say there's um, there's confidence to it. There's uh, uh, yeah, it literally says nothing is impossible for me. Now that's the kind of confidence that inspires investment. What is the style of government, like benign paternalism or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it sounds like that. It's very impressive. I like woman enemy.

Woman enemy? I've got this goddamn woman enemy. I've been tracking Carmen Sandiego for 15 years. I've got an enemy. Please, none've been tracking Carmen Sandiego for 15 years. I've got an enemy. None of the pundits can help me. All the pundits, all the pundits, I say to them, I've got an enemy.

And they say, sure, no problem. I say, oh, it's a woman. They throw their hands up. I say she's been sending me postcards. And there's like pyramids in them and the Sphinx. And I'm like, where the hell is this lady? And then I go there and I get a different postcard and she's by the Eiffel Tower. I swear I can't get this fucking lady.

Please. She's by the Eiffel Tower. Wherever the fuck that is. So our anonymous DC insider says I hope you find pleasure in these treasures. Very much. And there are a quick two PS's. They want to know what is the origin story of the Buds? The Buds?

Yeah, us, you and me. I imagine you both punting along the cam and colliding each other because you were distracted by a mysterious turd. Oh, that's cute. That'd be ideal. Well, I was in the start of my second year and I went to see the Footlights Virgin Smoker, which is the first show the Footlights put on in the year in Cambridge. It's a new material night for freshmen, for freshers.

For freshers, for people who've never done a gig in Cambridge before. And Pierre was one of the acts and he was great. And he looked like, okay, he looked like Captain Birdseye. He had a Navy like coat on. And afterwards they said, that was great, man. So you like a PhD. And he said, I'm 18 years old. And I laughed in his face because he had like a full beard.

And I didn't believe him at all. Yeah, that was it. Exactly. Right. That would have been in like early November, 2009, 2009. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Long time. So that is the origin story and PPS. I find your dynamic interesting despite being buds and quite opinionated and even mean by Phil's own admission. I remember that episode where you were like, I mean, I'm a mean person. I don't remember saying that, but I am talking's own admission. I remember that episode where you were like, I'm mean, I'm a mean person. I don't remember saying that, but I am. You're talking about being mean.

I'm not nice, I am mean. We're talking about when people think celebrities are nice. Oh yeah, I'm not nice. Despite all this, you never seem to make fun of each other, argue or even mildly disagree with each other about anything, how come? How come? We saw a pundit to help us with our relationship issues. Yeah, we realized actually it was down to having a woman enemy. Once we got rid of her. Once we got Mian Khan to, I guess, murder her. I don't know what his

solution would be. Show her the error of her ways. Yeah, to banish her in some way that I'm unfamiliar with. Yeah. But noted, we will try and fight more in the future. As for now, we've run out of time quite fantastically. Bumper episode for you guys. We'll see most of you next week. We'll see the special patrons on Friday. Yeah in the VIP Have we done soothsayer already from I don't think so No, probably not in VIP soothsayer booth. Yeah

Until next time. See you next time. Bye. Remember to read books and things. Read books and things. And study and have thoughts that lurk in your head. Bye. Bye.