BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 267 - Honey Heist

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

The lads have just come from the studio recording Pierre's audiobook! Pre-order the book here: https://geni.us/pierrenovelliebookThey discuss Made In Chelsea and Phil's new love of reality shows generally, and suggest Werk House for Dickensian entertainment, and Phil saw an argument between a member of the public and a Member Of Station Staff. Correspondence from Pete regarding gardening soiling oneself, and Jeff is suggesting a new fart enjoyment theory. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 267. 267... 267... Poo Sticks... Poo Sticks 11. It's an unknown story in the Winning the Poo canon where the gang planned to rob a casino of all its poo sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the poo sticks 11. Yeah, you get a whole Ocean's Eleven style montage

where it's Winnie the Pooh saying, first ticket you're going to go by the river bank. Like with this horrible kind of oh bother voice. Which is a kind of voice that I. You son of a bitch, I'm in. That would be good. Oh bother. Oh bother. Oh it's kind of like that I... You son of a bitch, I'm in. That would be good. Oh bother. Oh bother. It's kind of like... Yeah, how is his voice? It's kind of high but a bit raspy and a bit scared. It's strange. And I would like to... That would be good. Winnie the

Pooh saying, oh bother, as he falls through a bunch of lasers. You know? And just... And then all the guards come running. Yeah, if Winnie, if the Pooh gang were to plan a heist, which is which job? Pooh's the ideas... No, he wouldn't be the ideas man. He's the George Clooney guy. He's the charisma at the center of it. Yes. He brings them together. Yes, yes, yes. Piglet would have to be the safecracker

because he's the most anxious. Yes, right, right, right, right, right. And the smallest. And the smallest. Yeah, with the most nimble fingers. So he'd be the one going like, oh, I'm trying, I, oh, you know. So he'd be the one going like, oh, I'm trying. Yes. Who's the computer? Who's the hacker? Rabbit.

But it'd be Roo, I guess, as the youngest. The owl. Oh, he's a bit slow. Oh, that's true. Oh, yeah, he's supposed to be like a bit pensionary. The owl is the one who was unfurling all the schematics and the blueprints and plans while wearing like round glasses. Yes and a turtleneck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, Rue would have to be the hacker then.

Yeah. The young one or whatever the young one is called, Joey. The Joey, yes. Tigger would be the sort of the kind of crazy wild card guy. That's it. He's the muscle weirdly. I think he's the bouncing people into the wall. Yeah Yeah, the the PSI on that tail is actually deadly. It's really powerful He's still a tiger like he's a deadly deadly creature. Yes, right. Yeah Yeah, what else who else is in the canon rabbit? It was who's the grumpy, mean, high-strong anal one.

He's the one who's like, absolutely not. It's a death trap. Exactly. It'll never work. I'm never going to... And that's final smash cut. Yeah, yeah, they're doing the plan. He's in the van. Yeah.

He's in the van with them. And he says something like, I hate you guys. I can't believe you convinced me to... And it would be a honey heist, right? Ah. Well, there's poo sticks heist in this, in this run. This is the poo sticks heist. This is the poo sticks heist and it would have to be a honey heist. Then a honey heist. Or then the big twist would be... I... Oh, poo? Why are we... I still don't understand why we're stealing poo sticks when you can get sticks anywhere.

And then there'd be something to do with like, the big twist would be that it leads to honey somehow. Yeah, right. Or like, they'll be so busy looking for the poo sticks that they won't guard the honey and everyone, ah, and that's the kind of heist within a heist. For me in the poo universe, honey is the equivalent of gold

and poo sticks is the equivalent of currency. pooh sticks is the equivalent of currency. Okay, so you hold value in honey. Honey is very stable. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it doesn't it doesn't go off. Honey doesn't go off. That's true. So it is like gold and it's yellow. Yeah, and it's shiny. Yep. And so it's a good holder of value in the

100 acre wood. Yeah. And the pooh sticks are are good for currency because. They're just representative. Yeah, that's right. They're widely accepted. And they have different nominations, right? They have different longer and shorter. Yeah.

You know, and different like, what do you call them, Sticker? You call those knuckles, the small. The little knots. The little knots and bends. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like this a lot.

I like this new currency of sticks. I'm in this new cryptocurrency. This is a new cryptocurrency guys. You go outside and find a tree and take a little stick off it and that's your money. I genuinely barely understand the difference between that and Crypto. Me neither.

Me neither. What would it take for you to actually bother to try and understand Crypto at this stage? I sort of understood it at the beginning, towards the beginning, because I was into the cryptography element of it. I read up on some of the cryptographical techniques that are on play and they're very interesting and very clever. Yeah. But at this stage, I didn't have much interest in it back then. I have zero interest in it now. No. I have negative interest in it, which is actually what Bitcoin ended up having. It's mad to me that some people are still in the in the

black on it. like they're still Even with all the shit this yeah I mean if you're early on early on enough, then you're very well in the black I suppose including that poor Welsh guy who has his hard drive We've spoken about this guy, right? I don't like to think about that this Welsh guy who threw away a hard drive those full of Bitcoin and he'd be a Multi multi millionaire right now even Even with all the crashes. And there are, yeah, and there are, there's, you know, new stories of him. Every other

year there's a new story of him stood on a, on a tip saying it's in here somewhere. Somewhere in South Wales. And now he's, he's, he started trying to break a deal with a council where like. They said no to that in the end. Right. But the idea was that they would sift through it for him and when they found him the deal was the council would get half of these millions of pounds yeah because it would still be enough yeah and they're just they wouldn't do it it's oh and there's like someone else who's got like a zipped file that's password protected and they

don't remember the password that's got like a load of money in it in Bitcoin I hate these stories hate I hate it. Even though they're nothing to do with me, they fill me with the same angst of missing out on something through stupidity that I know you share. Yes. But also isn't it just lost value? I don't understand how money works well enough, to be honest, but is that kind of just money that's lost to the world now? I don't understand, really. I suppose. Well, it's not the same as if it was money because it's not like inflationary or deflationary

in the same way, I don't think crypto. But if it was money, like let's say the equivalent was like $50 million in notes, lost forever. Yeah. That would technically be deflationary, I suppose. You're taking money out of the system. That's right, that's right. Interesting. I read that, while ago, read that. I mean, it's a big flaw with Bitcoin, and because there's a finite amount, about a third is lost to forgotten passwords.

Really? Yeah, there's a lot. There's a big proportion of Bitcoin is just unaccessible because of that. I hate that. That's really annoyed me. It's almost like it was a bad idea the whole time. Oh, it's all made up. It's all made up in a way that I don't quite understand, Philip. But we should say, listeners, we're actually recording in person because we have just come from a recording studio.

Yes, we just did a a post audio book conversation slash podcast kind of thing that for peers upcoming book, why can't I just enjoy things for the audio book? Yeah. So with a little bonus at the end, we're a bonus at the end, a comedian's guide to autism sub subtitle. Yes. So Phil chats to me about the book, and I chat to Phil about the book in return. That will be like bonus content at the sort

of end of the audiobook. Yeah. Our version of, you know, in a Marvel movie, the credits end. And then as the internet's pointed out in various memes, a sort of green guy you've never seen before just sort of appears and says, I'm Mr. Glorkle. And everyone cheers in the theater. And then it cuts to black.

That's our equivalent, the greater, the Bud Pod universe. If you read, if you listen to the whole audio book, there's an extra scene from the Bud Podge universe. Yes, that's right. It proves that Pierre's book is in the Bud Podge universe. Because there's a crossover of characters. So people say, well, technically then that should... So Phil, I exist in the Why Can't I just enjoy things universe yes means that the

book mustn't exist in the Bud Pod universe yes yeah exactly and it must mean that when I talk about my friend Phil Wang in the book I must be referring to you yes that's right that's canon yeah I'm canon yeah Phil's canon at last I'm canon and you are in the Canon. And you are in the book. Yes. Yes. You are in the book. You're a guest star. Yeah, I have a little cameo in the book. It's great. It's my year of cameos this year. It's Wonka. Three body problem. Why can't I just enjoy things? I'm having my cameo here. That's it. But it was nice. We were sitting in a studio having a little hot drink, a little biscuit, a little chat. And what we should start doing, Phil, is to be like,

to be really like tedious celebrities or public intellectuals or whatever figures. We need to just endlessly complement each other's work. Oh, man, it feels great because we are in a little setup. They were filmed, it was filmed as well. And they had a classic, this studio put up a classic book discussion setup, which is my favorite setup. It's a low armchair with a wood little table and a book placed on a little easel.

Yeah. And then microphones. And you get, you don't have to be funny. You just talk about the book and talk about each other and go off on tangent. It's like a podcast, but you feel like a professor. I love it. I also love, it's like if we were both doctors and we both got to say doctor, doctor, like to each other.

Scalpel, scalpel, we just pass a scalpel. Scalpel, scalpel, scalpel, scalpel, scalpel. Yeah. That's right. And we just get to say, author, author, author, I thought your book was great. I thought your book was great. And then we just have a big book fight. It's so circle jerky, but so fun.

It's great. I've never had my circle jerked so nicely. The thing is, if it wasn't in aid of a generally good thing, which is reading books, I'd find it intolerable. Really? Well just that kind of sitting around and wanking on about something. Yeah. If you were about something that I don't consider to be valuable.

Let's think because you would be fine with it about books, food. Yep. Oops sorry I hit the microphone there. You'd be fine with it about books, food, wine. Yep. Comedy. Yep. Film. Film. TV. TV. with it about books, food, wine, comedy, film, TV, art, visual art, paintings. There's very little I wouldn't enjoy an in-depth conversation. I mean, just for the fact that I

wouldn't know what anything meant, any discussion like that about sport, I just have no idea. I wouldn't find it intolerable because I can imagine understand what they're saying and going, well, this is valuable if someone understands what they're saying. Yeah. What do I actually think? Reality TV. Really in depth about the motivations of someone

who's done something that... I find that intolerable because the layers of fiction become so muddied in my mind. Yeah. So there'll be these discussion shows about these reality shows. And so I'll realize I'll sit and I'll because my you know, my partner loves them. And I'll realize I'll sit and watch a bit and I'll realize I'm watching a discussion deconstruction show between cast members of a spin-off.

Yes. Of a different show. But the thing is, is that you and I, we've worked in TV in our lives. We know that there's always a bit where like the production company has to say, could one of you just betray the other one? Or, oh, could you just have an argument about, I don't know. They'll tell one of the people,

make sure you bring up when this thing happened. That annoyed the other person. Could have a fight on their side. Could you provoke them into leaving the party? Yeah. And so what I'm watching is people who are already kind of half faking who they are because they know they're being filmed and they want an Instagram sponsorship deal. Being told by production to do fake things and now I'm watching them talk about why they did fake things later and they can't say it's because they were told to.

So they're saying a fake reason. Well, I- And it just makes me feel like I'm watching a kind of snake eating its own tail. Well, now I'm gonna say something which might surprise you, Pierre. Please. But I'm now kind of one of those people,

because through my girlfriend, I now love the current series of Made in Chelsea. Phil, men are being radicalized by their girlfriends. What? This series is amazing. It's so good. Okay. I honestly love it.

This is like if you told me you were an evangelical Christian. I'm so shocked. I've done it for a relationship. I've converted for a relationship. Yeah. No, but it's a show we started watching together when we first started getting to know each other. And at the time I was like, oh boy, here we go. Here's a concession I'll have to make. And now I'm like, I honestly right now want to watch next week's episode.

Like it's the finale of Breakthrough. Really? Yeah. But see, look, I find philosophically and morally these shows confusing and annoying. They're very well made. I'm not saying they're very well made. So they do draw you in. Yeah. And they are addictively formatted. I'm not saying that crack isn't addictive. I'm saying I don't like them whole market. I don't like what it does to people. Okay, sell me on it. I think what's great about Made in Chelsea

is there is just enough of a self awareness about it. And also because they're kind of wealthy already, you don't feel like vulnerable people are being exploited. Okay, so a slight guilt aspect can be just completely cut out. Yeah, these people are doing it for an Instagram following, and which is kind of heinous in its own way, but... It's less dystopian and grim, and more just straight up sellout.

Yeah, exactly. You know when one of them says, oh my god, I haven't been this upset since my small steel gin didn't sell well. And so, cause they just work that in to sell the gin. They've all got these little products. Yeah. Cause on Love Island, they'll just try and be, you know, become like models or get nightclub event offers.

But me and Chelsea, they've all got a small alcohol or sweets brand. Yeah. You know, trying to include in as many scenes as they can. It's odd, isn't it? But they're also, they're interesting characters in it and they're quite... Here we go. And they're fun to kind of ridicule and I don't, I was going to say hate,

but I don't actually hate any of them. I think they're, I just find them quite interesting do you find any of them objectionable don't I find any of them objectionable there's a guy on there called Sam Prince who is literally like a name from it I know but he is like a devil he's like a devil he's definitely like he's like a devil he's like a goat evil goat kind of uh trickster god and at first you go what is this guy's problem he's like yago from othello he's just yeah that's manipulative and evil but eventually you come to enjoy him and you go ah he's pretty fun actually and he makes good tv and because he's just and it's all their own fault for continuing to be friends with this guy

And it's all their own fault for continuing to be friends with this guy. Right, so he's so consistently evil and mad. That it's, you start to have... You kind of respect it, you respect the consistency eventually. Of the devil! That's funny. Okay, and so you're watching the people going, but why did you believe him then? Yeah, exactly. He's betrayed you like seven times.

Exactly. Fool you once, shame on him. He should fool you 26 times now, shame on you. But it's just, it's funny the way they sort of fail and betray each other, the way they get things wrong. And a couple of them are real dweebs and losers, and a couple of them are too old to be in there to be honest. But it's funny and it's fun and oh man. I remember watching a bit of one where, who was the original Made in Chelsea guy when

we were at uni who had the really long hair? Oh yeah, Ollie something. It was Ollie something. Yeah yeah yeah. I wasn't into it then. I only know the current people. There was one where like, and it was not even the current one, it was I wasn't into it then I only know the current there was one where like and it was not even the current One it was one like three years ago where like one of the main people

He's got it Okay. Yep There was one where one of the main people Like met up with the original Olly guy like on a bench in a park They're always meeting on benches always meeting on benches, but the Olly guy like on a bench in a park. They're always meeting on benches, always meeting on benches. But the Olly guy wasn't in this series. Right, yeah.

So it was like, it was like, um... It was like in Spider-Man when, um... What's his name? What's the fucking... What the, what was his name? The Sam Raimi Spider-Man. Well, they have to go back to the old Spider-Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tofu, not Tofu Grace, he was in the 70s show. I always mix up Tofu Grace and this guy. That guy, you know, they all look the same. But it was like in like an old spy movie where it was like, we've got to bring this guy out of retirement or. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, yeah, exactly.

Or it was like- It's like when Michael Keaton turns up in Flash. Yeah, yeah. Something I understand at last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be like if at some point during... We have to bring it back to the Joker. It'd be like if at some point during the Dark Knight, the Joker character ended up talking to Cesar Romero.

Ah, yes. And everyone watching would be like, Oh, that's the original Joker! But then this visibly quite old-looking Romero. Ah, yes. And everyone watching would be like, oh, that's the original Joker. Yeah. But then like this visibly quite old looking original made in Chelsea guy just sat on a bench with this current made in Chelsea guy, like a spy talking to his own descendant and saying very vague things about like, yeah, you know, it's hard to be on this show.

And right. It was very meta. Really they're talking about being on the show specifically? It was like advice on how to deal with problems, like it was a... It could only arise as a part of being part of this whole thing. Right. It wasn't about how to, you know, wash your bum or something. Yeah. It was, you know, relevant.

But I thought it was so fourth wall breaking for them to be like, do you remember this fucking guy from 2011? Yeah, I think it's got to that point now. It's become meta. Bringing him in like this wizened old Jedi master. Ew. Like Yoda. Well, because some of them do well, and Jamie Lang has done well, because he started this sweets

brand that I only recently realized I've been eating for months. Have you? Did you not know? I knew he made candy kittens, but I then kind of forgot that. And then my girlfriend started bringing candy cans home and I was like, oh, these are, I don't like these. And then I was like, oh wait, these are Jamie Langs.

Yeah. And he should know about little sweet things because of his family, Fortune is McVitie's. Of course, yes, yes. That's the big thing. Also his sister, Emily Lang, has the, oh God, where is it? I think it's still called, Why Have You Got No Friends?

Very funny podcast. They're becoming a podcasting dynasty. Yes, yes, yes. I'm trying to find the information here. Yes, it's still called, Why Do You Think You've Got No Friends? Which I was on and it was a lot of fun. But they're a podcasting dynasty now.

Also has to be said, Jamie Lang, very nice guy. I've never met him but Always absolutely lovely guy. He's responsible for my favorite episode of murder in successful. Oh, yes now on Netflix All the episodes are on Netflix now. Shout out to Tom Davies. Who's very funny in it him and Jamie Lang those improv scenes It's just crying like so funny. I need to watch that I need scenes. I was just crying like, so funny. I need to watch that. I need to watch that. I find it hard to watch because that show came out at the same time as a show I was in it very early on called Top Coppers. RIP Top Coppers, Bring Back Top Coppers, which was also about police and very silly. It was the kind of thing, you know, the TV and the jet engine got invented at the same time and UK Comedy TV made two cop shows at the same time. And UK comedy TV made two cop shows at the same time.

Yes, or Ants and a Bug's Life. Yes. Same year. Yeah, isn't that ridiculous? Insane that that happened. I think Taylor Swift looks like the Lady Ant from Ants. Did I say that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That makes sense, yeah. Very wide, least spaced eyes. Very wide. But it's so she can see prey, and see predators rather coming. And challenges through intellectual property. Yeah, she can see them coming in a 320 degree vision.

She still has a blind spot. And in that blind spot is Ed Sheeran. I'm guessing. That's what people say. Hi, Ed. Sorry if you're listening. We know you're a big pod bud. We don't mean to slander you.

It's all matey banter. Yes, what the fuck are we talking about? Made in Chelsea. Okay, so you're converted now. You're in there. I love Made in Chelsea, but the others I can't really stand. I mean, my girlfriend also watches Love is Blind on Netflix. It's a big one for a lot of people. Which one is that one

again? It's one where they spend like, was it like a month or something? Separated by a wall and they just hear each other's voices and they get to know each other not knowing at all what they look like. Jesus Christ. And then they decide whether or not to to make a go of it and then they meet each other in real life and then they finally see what each other looks like. Why don't we make an incredibly successful reality format by doing what all of these shows seem to do, which is to get a kind of suffering or torture from a classic novel and turn it into a game.

Only being able to talk to someone through a wall and then being forced to sort of marry them. It's like something from a marry them is like something from a It's like something to catch from a Dickens novel. You're a man in the Iron Mask or something. Yeah It's like something from pre-revolutionary France It's insane. That's the format where you just go. Okay, all the orphans are in a workhouse and they all want porridge Only a sexy governor of the will choose the short straw to ask for more? Find out on... What would you even call it?

Twist. I was thinking twist. It would be called twist. Or orphan house. Or orphan house. Or workhouse spelt with an E. Workhouse. Did you see about Milf Manor?

Did you see the show Milf Manor? Did you see the show Milf Manor? That's a Simpsons or Family Guy joke, isn't it? Milf Island? All right, well there's Milf Manor. You didn't say anything about Milf Manor. Stop saying Milf Manor. What?

Is it real? Yeah, so if I'm not getting this wrong, it's a bunch of Milfs. You won't believe this, Piers, but they're all put in the manor together. It's a big house. Okays. You won't believe this, Pierre, but they're all put in the manor together in this big house. Okay, I see where they got the name from now. And they're like, who are we gonna get paired up with? And then arrive an equal amount of young men. Right. But not, but these aren't just any young men, Pierre. Okay. These are the sons of the milfs. My god. And the milfs have to pair off with each other's sons. With each other's sons. And there is, for example, a sequence where

the boys have to massage the milfs at random, but they've got blindfolds on, which means there is a small chance they might end up erotically massaging their mother. I mean it's a golden age for TV Pierre and I won't hear otherwise. It's a golden age for television. That is just like, that's like something from Dante. It's like a punishment from like one of the earlier circles of hell admittedly. Yeah Yeah. But still, it's so... It is Greek, it's fucking... Oedipal, yeah. Oedipal and Freudian and all the other words. Milf Manor.

Milf Manor, baby. Is it American? It must be. Yes, of course. I like that... It doesn't feel like it would be legal here for some reason. It feels like something the EU would say, there's no law against it, but we're banning it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the good of Europe. I also like that that means that a bunch of Americans have to like use the word manor, which feels to me like such an English word. Yes. For something, it implies they know it's creepy. A manor's a creepy mansion. A manor is creepy. But the only difference between a mansion and a manor is a manor's creepy.

Yes, whereas in more sort of English-English culture, it's either, oh, welcome to the manor, to the manor house, or it's, hey, lives around your manor, he's from your fucking manor, you know? Like the old Cockney slang of like your ends. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Ah, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your manor. Because the really truly spectacular manors in England at least are called house, is something house.

Right? Yes. Is the manor thing west? There are some manors around. Okay, well I'm speaking out of my ass here. Well you, yeah you've been- I'm speaking out of my shit manor. You're speaking out of your shit manor. Oh, more adjustment.

This droopy ass. You gotta tighten it up. Oh, sorry for these noises listeners this microphone stand is like that's old old riddle about the life of man was like in the morning i have uh... four legs in the afternoon i have two and in the evening i have three and you're like it's this man as he gets older

and this is like at the start of the podcast, I am at pride. And then in the middle of the podcast, I am drooping. You know, the end, I'm on the ground. But the end is basically pointing at your crotch, yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised to hear this still about the,

I don't like this idea of the MILF manner. I'm against it on the topic of the breakdown of society yeah I witnessed yesterday a TFL fight a fight on the well it wasn't the underground is the overground oh yeah but as a fight between I don't know what you call them so he's a guy he's wearing the overground vest and he's got one of those microphone things that they walk around with yeah it's the guys that say stay clear of the closing doors, get behind the yellow line. He's not a conductor, I don't know what you'd call him. He's a member of

staff. A member of station staff. Isn't that what they always say? Please contact a member of station staff. Well this guy is a member of station staff and the train was pulled in and he's saying please wait behind the yellow lines and as he's doing this is a guy walking towards him to get onto this train to walking towards the door and he squeezes past another guy who is on the yellow line and in doing so moves over the yellow line towards like close to the train. Yeah. And as he does this the member of station staff is mid-speech and he points at this guy and over the microphone says, please don't, no, he doesn't say please. He says, don't do that again. And this really irks the guy who's done it. And he goes up

right in front of the guy and he's like, I had to get around him. I had to get around him and the door's open and he wants to get on the train. And so he gets on the train, but the member of station staff stands his ground and is like, you need to stay behind the yellow line. Don't do that again. It's dangerous. And the guy comes back out of the train to the edge of the train and says,

don't tell me what to do. Shouting, shouting, shouting. So I was doing you fucking idiot, fucking wanky. And then the guy, the member of station staff is like, you loser, you're a loser. You're a loser. Really? And they get up real close to each other and the door's closing on the passenger guy and the member of station staff goes, you're obstructing the doors now, you're obstructing the doors.

And the guy gets in and he gets through the window. He gets into the train. He's like looking at this member of station staff through the window. He's like pointing at him and the member of station staff is pointing at his head doing sort of crazy motions. You're a loser, mate, loser. And then the train goes on. Oh my God. Yeah. And you know what, Pierre, when the fight started, my instinct was to walk away because I had to avoid confrontation but confrontation confrontation. But I forced myself to stay because I was right there. Stay and watch. Yeah. Because I thought fists were gonna fly. Really? Well, cause the guy was like, you know,

the passenger was a lot more aggressive. And he's just a civvy. He's a civ. What was his vibe? That's what I was trying to figure out. Drunk businessman. Not drunk, not businessman. Dangerous youth.

Not youth. Maybe about, I'll say late 30s oh okay um uh not disheveled but not like not in a suit he had like a satchel bag but it was otherwise quite casually dressed it's hard to tell what work he did i mean yeah it was hard to tell. He's like a generic auto-generated man. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah, and he looked like he could be the He looked like the protagonist in GTA 4 right right right but not Eastern European he sounded English but ethnically He looked mixed race of some kind. I couldn't quite tell. So he was just everyone at once. Exactly. Like, exactly. I could not tell anything about this guy.

This guy can do whatever he wants, because he's the hardest man to pin down and describe. That's so funny. Yeah, but I was just that against being told off. Yeah, it was just kind of very toxic. It was just like, dude, I know. It was so funny. It was a bit rude from the member of station

staff, but that's like a rudeness going, don't do that again, was like a rudeness seed. And this guy just watered the seed, and gave it fertilizer, and sunlight, and it grew into a big, big bush, a big rudeness bush. And I just thought, why? At the end of it, I was like, why have you done this? Why has any of this happened?

But then I thought, I tried to do the David Foster Wallace thing of imagining the best possible reason this guy had. And all I could come up with was he had a stressful day, and he was late, and the last thing he wanted was someone telling him off. But when I'm in that state, I'm like, oh, the last thing I need is a confrontation. I'm just like, whatever.

You just nod and whatever. Yeah, it's like, it's not going to come up again, is it? You're not going to see this guy again? Really? Maybe this guy had recently been attacked by a yellow line a Yellow line. Yeah. Yeah, right. All right. And so he was he thought You know, I deserve to step over these lines and show them whose boss. Yeah I love I love the idea of one of the train platform guys going you're a loser. You're a loser loser Yeah, it's why you're like,

loser, it's all kind of Trumpian. It's so, yeah. Loser. It's so like young teenager, like, oh, der brain, oh, fuck you. I love loser as an insult. It's my favorite insult. It's so funny just to go straight to, you're a loser, you're a loser, just straight to it and then tap your head,

like loser means crazy as well. Yeah, because obviously like, I guess while he's on the job, straight to it and then tap your head like loser means crazy as well. Yeah. It's great. Like I guess while he's on the job, he can't respond with swearing. You can't call the guy a wanker back because he's got like, no, that's true. There's probably some, some little regulation. But losers great. Losers so much more damning because also that's, that's to do with his whole life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone could be a wanker and a winner.

That's true. A loser, that's terrible. Loser. That's across everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not doing well in your job, you're not doing well in your relationship, you don't have friends.

No. A wanker, you can be a high flying businessman or city person and be a wanker. Could be nailing. That's how he got to the top. He could be nailing it and be a wanker. That's how he got to the top. He could be nailing it and be a wanker. That's right, but you can't be a loser and smashing it. No, by definition.

And also it's quite funny for someone to be like arguing with you and as a result, you say, only a loser would argue with me. Right, exactly. And then he keeps arguing with you. Exactly at a point. Those kind of his implications like, only a loser would argue with me about this this much.

This is crazy. That's so funny. But I felt sorry for the member of station staff because I was like, this is just something that has, you know, has all day as a deal with all these different strangers and, yeah, and like huge hunks of metal hurtling towards an unprotected, undivided platform. Yeah. This is a question I've just thought up. Do you think the members of station staff who work at Westminster station where there's a barrier and doors between the train and the platform are the envy of members of station staff who work at stations

where there is no barrier and literally people could just walk in front of the train? Oh, because in Westminster it's like, oh, there's these big glass walls here. They can't get in front of the trains. I don't even have to look out. I don't have to worry about people. I don't have to worry about the yellow line. It's not a yellow line, it's a yellow wall. It's a big wall. It's a big wall you can't get on the tracks.

It's fine. Yeah, maybe it is like a sweet gig. And I just now think about it, maybe there aren't members of staff there. I've rarely seen them. I guess if you work there, you, I don't know, you have to do more security drills about if someone tries to blow up Parliament or something. Oh yeah. Mr. Sands. Mr. Sands.

It's called Paging Mr. Sands, which I think means... I thought they meant there was a fire. It can mean that. Traditionally in theatre it does. Right. But yeah, Mr. Sands is something, or Inspector Sands. Inspector Sands. A few times, a few times over the past few weeks on my many travels, I've just heard them say, can British Transport Police please go to Platform 4 Southbound? Right, really? Where you are needed. And you're just going, oh, what is that? I'd like to avoid that platform.

Yeah, what's happening fucking there? Yeah. Well, speaking of members of the public and the decline of society, Phil, we should do some correspondence. We really should. We're of members of the public and the decline of society, Phil, we should do some correspondence. We really should. We're the members of station staff for correspondence. Ring, letters, emails, phone calligraphy, tweet, jacking, your sister, and keep a straight eye for you.

To whom you're going to pass the ring letters. Correspondence. We have heard from Pete. Pete the meat. Pete the meat. Would you buy things in the pub from Pete the Meat? Yeah. If it was a butcher, that'd be a good name for a butcher. Pete the meat. But you know that thing where like the people go around pubs selling meat? Oh, I see. No, this is an aspect of British culture I don't know about. No and it's very like Midlands and North I think. Right crazy to me. Yeah it's mad often it's just a result of shoplifting steaks. Right. In London whenever I've seen it it's been stuff that's very clearly shoplifted. Gosh.

Whereas in other places it can just be cuts of meat somehow. I would not buy meat from a man in a pub. From Pete the Meat? No. Well, he gets in touch regardless. Yep. Salutations. Hello.

Mm. Pete says, I spotted this at my sister's house recently, where she grows all her own veg on what used to be the lawn. Oh, oh, so on the front? Wow, veg on the front. I guess you. Oh, so in the front, wow, veg on the front. I guess you could have a lawn in the back. Okay.

Either way though, it used to be a lawn. That's dramatic. Would I have the confidence to smash up a load of turf? For veg. Yeah, it's a commitment. You're losing a lot of walking space. Yeah, yeah. Although in the UK often, especially when it's raining

and wet like it is outside now, your lawn is just a mud trap waiting to happen. It's not even walking space. Yeah. Of course, as a 53-year-old lady, it's entirely possible she is actually involuntarily. Oh, no. This is going to ruin the tat.

It is why you've got to be careful. Oh, OK. So it's tat to do with gardening. Oh, okay. So it's a, Phil, it's our old friend, wooden rectangle sign, hanging on rope. Great. You know?

Oh, by the way, I quickly should say, I was on a stag do over the weekend. Oh, yes. And we stayed on an Airbnb. And I saw a lot of tat in the wild, including a wild spotting of, in the kitchen, did I just roll my eyes out loud? Really?

A framed picture of did I just roll my eyes out loud. I was like, yeah! Gosh. Real life Airbnb, yeah! Gosh. Yeah. Real life Airbnb tat. My god. My god. Well this is our old friend's sign on rope and it says gardening. Yep. Okay so that's pretty clear. Yep. So exciting. I blank my blanks So exciting I shit my pants I Wish it said that so gardening so exciting. I blank my blanks Wow, you got pants right? Oh well actually no you didn't oh, but you

So exciting I you're in the right wheelhouse. Mmm. So exciting, I... Soil... I soiled my boots. Oh, man. That would be so much better. I know. More adjustments necessary. So it's not even a play on soiled? No.

But again, you're so in the right... Gardening! So exciting! I left my wife! No, you're in the right wheelhouse of piss and shit. Oh really? Okay. Gosh. It is soiling oneself to some extent. It is. It just is.

But I soiled... It's not the wordplay they've be great, but it's not. But you got the right idea. Okay, well, just tell me then. So exciting, I wet. I wet my pants. I wet my trousers, I wet my boots, I wet my. It's a pun.

So exciting, I wet my. It kind of only really works in an American accent to be fair. Plants! Yes! You got it. No, I needed too much help for that one, but it's not bad actually. I wet my plants. I wet my plants.

Pants and plants. You can't say I wet my pants. I wet my pants. Pants or plants. I wet me plants, pants. You can say if you're from the north. Yeah. But you can't say, so exciting, I wet my pants.

Oh no, I wet my pants. I don't mind that tat, actually. I think it's kind of cute. People might say that on Made in Chelsea, I wet my pants. I wet my pants. Spot of this, my sister's house recently where she grows all her own veg and we used to be the lawn.

Of course, as a 53 year old lady, it's entirely possible she actually is involuntarily wetting her plants when she gets a bit overexcited. I think the tat whisperer will nail this one very quickly, Koji Pete. Sorry Pete! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't quite get there. It was actually not bad. Wrong! No! I was very close, weirdly close with shit my pants. You almost nailed it straight away. And then soiled my plants would be, that would be great.

Except that's not what people say. You don't soil things. You say ask God and going, yep, I've soiled all my plants. So, soiled all my plants. Eh? Eh? So, the next one is from Jeff.

Jeff. Who's left? Just Jeff. Jeff's left. Jeff who's left. The guy who's always last awake at the party maybe. Yeah, who's left? Jeff. It's Jeff who's left. Jeff who's left. The guy who's always last awake at the party maybe. Yeah, who's left? Jeff.

It's Jeff who's left. And Pete the Meat. Jeff says, Dear, insert poo we related pun based on Phil and Pierre. Oh, that was a really good one. Yeah. Listening to episode 227, where you were discussing toilet things bringing people closer together, you reminded me of a scientific study that I always wanted to conduct but have never moved forward with Hmm. Okay, that's really like to hear that. Yeah, our kind of content exactly

It is a well-established fact that your own farts no matter how pungent or emetic they may be always smell wonderful to their owner Yes, yeah to a, to a degree. To a degree. Or at least of interest and you can bear them. You can bear them, yeah. You don't have to flee your own... That's right, that's right. ...fog.

Yeah. Ugh. Creating a warm sense of comfort and security in even the most trying times. Like a Horlicks. During my postgraduate studies in the early 2000s, although in a very different field, I made an observation that has the potential to evolve our understanding of this phenomenon. Oh, okay, exciting.

Okay, you? So exciting, I want my plants. So exciting, I shat myself. You just have that on a sign. Here we go. So you like gardening, yeah. Look at the sign. Read the sign.

We always like it when someone breaks new ground. Absolutely. Breaks new wind in this area. So I made an observation that has the potential to evolve our understanding of this phenomenon. Whilst lying in bed with my then girlfriend, she let off a fart. Oh!

Yeah. Which was initially trapped beneath the duvet. Oh, no, yeah, that's a tough one. The geodesic dome. The Dutch oven. The Dutch oven. As the smell steadily freed itself from its temporary enclosure, she was absolutely delighted with what she had produced. Oh, God. I don't like... Yeah, I feel sick. with what she had produced. Oh, God.

I don't like, yeah, I feel sick. Delight is not nice. I feel sick, yeah. However, unbeknownst to her, I too had released a little squeaker, which was far more likely to have contributed to the olfactory stimulation. They made a fart baby. They made a fart that was half of each of them. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they'll cover their bums with a big tent

and fill it with farts. And they'll have a special fart. They'll have a very special fart. They'll get in bed together and have a special fart. They have a special fart with each other, and that's where you come from. Because you're a loser! That's what the guy should have said on a train platform.

It would have taken a long time, but it would have been. For the payoff. The whole platform would have thrown their hands in the air. Hey, you're a fart. Someone on a bench on the platform would have gone, I thought that was weird what he said. I thought it was weirdly specific. Everyone just went, come on, it's fun.

So he's done his own sneaky one. Once I told her of my almost simultaneous explosion, Everyone just went, come on, it's fun. So he's done his own sneaky one. Once I told her of my almost simultaneous explosion, her perspective on what had just unfolded shifted drastically. Interesting. Interesting. So the suggestion is it is completely psychological. He says, what was once delight was now more unsettling.

The whole situation caused me to formulate a hypothesis. Is there some intrinsic chemical property of your own farts that creates the sense of joy that you feel when sampled? Or is it simply that you know that it is yours, and therefore your brain interprets the smell in a more favorable manner as compared to an identical smell released from elsewhere. That's actually very good and very interesting and that sounds like compelling evidence that it is completely psychosomatic. However, Geoff, I'm gonna throw a farty rock into the pond of your theory. Okay. I have heard or read or something, I have this idea in my mind from somewhere,

that there's a pheromone aspect to farts. Hmm. And I'm still unclear on whether the whole pheromone thing is even real. I think maybe it's not. Pheromones at all, I've heard aren't real necessarily. Really? Because there's all those theories about people's pheromones. Yeah, we'll be releasing pheromones and that's not how we know we're attracted to each other.

Although have you ever got off with or had sexy times with someone who... They were very nice and you got on, but they just smelled wrong. They smelled wrong? Yeah. There's nothing wrong with them, and it wasn't like they smelled wrong because they'd rolled in peanut butter or something. There's just something off about their natural scent. No, well not consciously anyway. I've had that, some friends of mine have as well. Mm.

A friend of mine stopped going out with someone because of it. As in they didn't smell bad, they just smelled wrong. It's just like somebody who's just not right about it. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure there is something to it, I'm sure. So maybe she initially didn't mind because you guys had been going out long enough, Jeff, that you had adjusted to each other's pheromone farts.

Yeah. And so that she had, you know, it was already in there programmed in as like a nice, as a nice, as it had become. Maybe, yes, you couldn't differentiate chemically anymore. Yeah. All that was left was the psychological. Yeah. So you'd have to do it with strangers. For this to be, yeah, for this to be a dependable replicable study, we should do it with strangers. For this to be a dependable, replicable study,

we should do it with strangers. Yeah, we need a double. The fart project. Project F. As Jeff clarifies, my inadvertent crossover experiment showed that both of us enjoyed the fart when we thought it was ours. Yeah, interesting. Very interesting experiment and result.

Well, we'll get back to you, Geoff. We'll get funding for that from the EU. Thank you for advancing. Thank you for advancing. Of factory science. Yes, exactly. Well, now it's time to go to the VIP fart blanket of the... Oh! Science lab? I don't know. What do you think? Bed?

Yeah, the VIP bed. The VIP bed. Of the Patreon for your Friday 5pm Fryay feeling. See you lovely VIPs there. Please pre-order my book. You can pre-order the audio book and then listen to me and Phil chatting, or you can buy the physical copy or the ebook,

or all three, why not? It really helps helps and it is really fantastic book I promise thanks where a really excellent book you better but until then bye bye