BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 269: Love, Your Mum

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

This week the lads discuss Pierre's disgust with peoples behaviour on trains, Phil's frustrations at the gym, Mrs. Doubtfire and of course some listener correspondents! Go see Pierre at the Bloomsbury! https://www.ucl.ac.uk/event-ticketing/app/?ev=24039Pre-order Pierre's book! https://geni.us/pierrenovelliebook Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wendy's small frosty is the ultimate summer refreshment and not because it's cool and creamy and made with fresh Canadian Dairy, it's also refreshingly cheap just 99 cents until July 14th. It's a treat for you and your wallet It's Bud pod 269 to 269 come over to mine. Oh, currently in my place. That's very well done. Thank you. What a coincidence.

Yeah, what a coincidence. We are. Have we ever done one here? I don't think we've ever done one here. This feels familiar, yet alien at the same time. I'm sat in my makeshift study room, which is a mess. And there's a big TV box right next to me. I've kept since I bought the TV. It's enormous as box. And I can't throw it away because I keep thinking, well, one day, presumably, I'll have to move the TV, put it in storage, or sell it to a collector and it's got to be in the box. Have you not thrown away the box because you think the man will come who we discussed once before? Oh yes, the man has come to check you've done everything correctly.

The man has come to check everything's in order? Yes, and that you've kept all your receipts and all your boxes for all your gadgets. Yeah, he's going to come and say hang on. And it's such a big box as well. boxes for all your gadgets. Yeah. He's going to come and say, hang on. And it's such a big box as well. For the listener, I would say it's an insanely big box. I hate to sound like a footballer, but it's a 65-inch television, which I feel like, I don't know why I said football, but it feels like the kind of TV that would a football is mentioned. Yeah, it's also the box is much bigger than that.

The box is much bigger than that because it would have to be styrofoam held. So the box is even bigger than that. Yeah, so the box is bigger than 65 inches across the diagonal. The box is the size of the roof of a Mini Cooper. Ah, yes, you can sort of imagine the Union Jack on there. And maybe bigger fucking hell, so much space. And I need space. You look at the rest of the room. Nothing's where it should be. I need space. But also, I've kept that student stupid fucking box. You're just you've got that mindset where it's like you but

if I throw the box away, then I can't have it anymore. So it's better for me to keep this box for let's call it seven years. Yes. Um, so ruin my eyeline. It ruins my eyeline and stresses me out when I look at it for seven years. That's good. Uh, every time I look at it, I can think that box, I hate it, but I must have it. And I can think that I can think that thought, let's say, let's call it once a day. Yeah. The seven years and then end up throwing it away. Anyway. Wouldn't that be great? for seven years and then end up throwing it away anyway. Wouldn't that be great?

I think that's it because even throwing it away is a job because I got to cut it up. Yeah, you've got to do a sort of Dexter style. Yeah, it's so stupid. I don't know why I torture myself like this. Like a little murder. You've got to commit a little box murder and slice it up with a... Yeah. A... What do they call them? Okay, craft knife. Yes, I got that specifically for cutting up all my boxes.

Well, you haven't used that. So why don't you transfer your box guilt to craft knife lack of usage guilt? You're right. You're right. Okay, then then the two can cancel each other out. Yeah, well, I've used the craft knife and balances restored to the force. Yeah, the craft knife isn't sad anymore. I've used him for what he was born to do. You're born for this. As you cut the box up, you should whisper that to the craft knife.

You were born for this. This is your purpose. There's a lot of stuff here, mainly work-related stuff that I can't throw away, but also don't really want. Like you can see behind you, Pierre, the hula hoop from my series of Taskmaster. That's good. That could go on the wall. Do you think?

Put a little nail in and then it's... Yeah, I guess so. It's really heavy. It's like a weighted hula hoop. What? Yeah. Hula hooping's hard enough, Phil. Weirdly, it made it kind of easier because it gives it a kind of inertia. You could auction it for charity? I didn't think about that. I didn't think about that. You could auction it for charity. I did think about that. I did

think about that. That could be good. Yeah. And there's a doll of me made by the Eddard and Casters countdown team. Oh yeah, the knitted doll. Yeah. There's a cheap plastic toy from Indonesia when I did an ad out there. Oh, the chariot. The chariot toy. There's a little baseball cap with a pizza thing on it where they made for a war in a comedy short by the people who made the top coppers. It's a lot of... This is your memory home. This is my memory home. This is my man cave. And to your left here, a framed photograph of us at university in 2010.

Wow. Look at that. The Footlights Committee 2010. What happened to those guys? Oh, terrible, terrible things, but we are okay, we sat on a bench together. We are sat on a bench together and we're squinting at the horizon. Yes, do you have one of those?

I do have one, I think it's at my parents' house. Yeah. I don't have room for anything in my flat. If I, maybe I, I would like to have a room to keep my insanity in well welcome to mine. Adam Buxton always calls his room his nutty room. Oh yeah, he did a funny song about how serial killers and movies always have a nutty room. Yes, and how in these movies you always think like well why even look for evidence just see if they have a nutty room. Then they did it. Yeah. Yeah. I've got a lot of Taskmaster stuff here. You know, the all the prize tasks. Apologies for sniffing listeners is hey, fever season, baby. Yeah, I was wondering why you sniffing. Yeah, they're cutting the grass near where I live. Yeah, be sniffing. I've been really glad of this delayed

summer. I hate the summer as you know. And it's been wet and cold. I love it. It's so nice. I hate the hot. But it's going to happen. It's going to happen soon. It's going to get hot soon. I had like no hours sleep last night and I still went to the gym this morning. And it got to the point where, you know, when you're tired and you're working out and you're trying to blame other stuff for how bad you feel. Yes. And just saying to, I was there with my PT, just saying to him, is the aircon on? Can you check?

Right. It feels like it's not on in here, because it's in a basement. So if there's no air circulation, like it really... You feel it. I was just like, can anyone else not breathe? You know, and it was on. Of course it was on.

You know, my brain was betraying me yet again. Do you ever worry that you're not good value for your PT? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sometimes there's another PT in the gym, Paula, a fun and very muscularly fit lady from Tenerife. She'll be with a client and they're laughing, they're telling stories to each other. They're going to take breaks from the exercises so that she can laugh and laugh and chant and chant.

And then me with my Czech, Philip, his old friend, Philip. The two sullen Phillips. Yeah. And I look over at Paola and her client, just laughing up a storm and I just can't, I want to say to Filip, I'm sorry, I'm not like that. I'm sorry I get sad and angry two reps in and I have to be quiet until the end of the set. Yeah, and then you're looking over

and they're somehow sharing sushi or s'mores over a little campfire in their corner of the gym And you'll sat there out of breath while your guy checks his phone again Yeah, and Philip will say what what are you doing today? You go recording the podcast. He's always asking if I'm recording the podcast No, that was those Monday No, I did that. Oh, yeah. Actually today or actually haven't decided yet. Or like, okay, and what are you doing this weekend? You have

a busy day today and go no, it's emails again. Like every time you've asked me every time you asked me what I do is I go and I look in my own emails and look at my emails and I don't reply. Then it's the end of the day and I go to bed. I look at them and I go hmmm. Interesting. What an interesting crop of emails today. Oh well, I guess it's time to make lunch. You're like someone getting telegrams who doesn't know Morse code. Look at these darts. Weird. Different to yesterday's darts. Oh well, I'll keep them in case the man comes. Yeah, I feel bad. I'm not good enough value for Philip.

I feel bad because I know I'm not doing my, I do the exercise properly, but I just, I can't control my diet at the moment at all. Oh, I've, we, me and Philip have an agreed silence over my calorie tracking app. Like the first couple of weeks he was like, you on it? Like an affair. over my calorie tracking app. Like the first couple of weeks, he was like, you on it? Like an affair. We don't discuss the secretarial work. Yeah. Yeah. What would be the point? You know, we just, it's the elephant in the room, but we both, we have to be quiet about it so that we can move on with the relationship. Like first couple of weeks, and are you inputting your intake?

Yeah, putting every meal in. Yeah, well, it's kind of tricky. What do you put in when you do, when you have a single sausage, you know, and he goes, oh, well, you kind of now is just, we don't talk about it. So we live in a state where he can assume I'm doing it. I can pretend silently that I'm doing it. I just thought there was no point. I think I eat fine. I'm not a maniac anymore. I eat pretty healthily. I eat a balanced meal. I like protein anyway. I was eating it anyway. I loved eggs and I already loved eggs and tofu and chicken. Sure. I was already doing it.

So, so yeah, we do not we don't talk about the guys. Oh, man, I had a new PB for my chest today. Yeah, you'll laugh. It was nothing for me for you for a big boy. But I did 50 kgs on a bench press today. I haven't never never hit 50 kgs before. I remember when I was stuck at 20. Oh, really? I used to not be able to do a single push-up. Wow. I would just be like, well, how can I lift my body with my hands?

Yeah. Doesn't make sense. Yeah. Scientists couldn't explain this. Yeah. And then you get to it. Yeah. It's slow. It's slow. And it takes you by surprise. You just come to it not expecting to be stronger. Then you're like, oh, the bar is moving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go through those different phases where it's like... It starts off going up from your chest, and then it hits that phase where for me it's like, this is horrible now and it won't go anymore. And then you just have to push through it like you're going through clay. Yeah. And then it's up. I hit the wobble zone very quick. I was told once to just kind of imagine it's lifting up on its own. And that weirdly works. If you stop thinking about me, I got to push it and just think it's just lifting up on its own. The

more I lift weights, the more I totally understand how so many athletes get into like, trees know how to help us. And if we touch the trees, we learn. Like they get in or like Djokovic with his fucking shout as a glass of water and it gets filled with mold. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it now. Because there's so much psychology at the heart of tricking yourself into exercising better. Yes, that tricks just do, they do make sense. They live in a world where tiny magic spells actually work. Little potions and my trainer is always telling me about like some root from India and you drink this root and... It's like hanging out with a mage.

Yeah. Yeah, news from the East. Drink this. There is a new powder. They say it can turn a man into an ox. You go, right, and they sell it upstairs. Yes. They sell it at reception. It's in a little bar. And you think, okay, I'll try selenium. I'll try selenium. The only supplement I need is something that makes me able to have breakfast 10 minutes before I have to work out very hard because that's how late I'm waking up. I need something that will digest quickly because I wake up with so little time between waking up and having to be at the gym. That there's no way I can have an actual breakfast.

Whatever it is, if it's like an injection, a breakfast injection, that the nutrients just goes straight in my bloodstream, there's nothing sloshing around my belly because I will not get up early enough to eat breakfast, OK? The BT session is already very early for me. I cannot wake up. I do the same thing. We just go, over time, how fine can I cut this?

Yes. I can't not be like that. I've just got this natural thing of like, how far can I push this system so I can do what I want and just add stress to my life? Yeah, and do nothing. I've started missing, I never missed trains before, but now I've got in my head like, well, I can't be three minutes early for the

train. What I'm going to do stand around. I better just stand around in my house for three more minutes so that I don't waste time standing around at the station. And then five minutes pass and I go, Oh shit, now I have to run. minutes pass and I go, oh, shit, now I have to run. And I run miss. I'm adding risk. Yeah, now. Now then I miss the train. I have to wait 15 minutes on the platform. But hey, at least I got that extra three minutes standing. Nothing at the house.

I just can't not try and get around the system. I told you once maybe on this podcast, I can't remember maybe just in conversation about how pathetic the thrill is when my own PT cancels a session. I want it. I've hired him. When he says, oh, sorry, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tomorrow, I'm ill, or I have to go visit my parents or whatever it is. Even though I should be the aggrieved party, I'm still like, snow day. I'm just completely like, yay! I'm making me do it. I could have snow days till I'm dead if I wanted. I know, you could just call up and say, it's over buddy.

I just call and say, I'm never exercising again. I'm going to have a body that is like pudding on bone. Thank you. Pudding on bone for me. Thank you. Big bag of pudding with some bones in. That's what I'm going to be like. Bye bye, bye bye bye bye bye.

And that would be it. I'd be free forever. But as I can't do that, I've got to kind of, I've got to engineer my own school, so that I can then skip and fuck about in my own school hour. What is happening with that? Does man need a system and then need to rebel against it? Because our bodies haven't caught up with comfort yet. Our bodies still think, oh, well, don't expand energy now. What about when the raiders come tomorrow? They'll need your energy. And it still hasn't learned after all this time, there are no more raiders.

Sitting, I'm only sitting now. It's all sitting. Work is sitting now. We don't have to forage anymore. We don't need this. So make me want to run for no reason. Make me want to run for no reason. Make me like that. Make me like it and not feel scared and sad when I'm tired. Or be more easily tricked. Be so easily tricked that my PT could put a dog mannequin behind the

treadmill. Yes. And so then I go, oh yes or an apple on a string in front of you. Yeah, make me a mmm and I run towards the apple. A big cartoony ham. A big ham and you hang it from the bone. Yeah. Exactly. And I would run and run. But you can't be clever and too stupid to learn that. No. Make me dumb enough to be tricked or clever enough to want to do it. That's my dream. Yeah, the problem is we can question our lives and question why we're alive and what is the purpose of everything. Yeah. Once we're able to do that, we lost the ability to be tricked into working out. Yeah. Also, I feel clever and powerful when I trick systems.

I figured out how to do this exam. I figured out how to turn up exactly on time and maximize my morning. I figured out how to etc. etc. So I'm just constantly, I can't stop my brain from having this fucking like, I don't know what it is, the cunning prisoner mindset. Yeah. What's that about? I don't know who I'm trying to beat. The warden by being just on time.

I beat the warden. I managed to sneak an extra pop tart from the commissary. I've managed to make toilet wine and not get caught. What am I doing? I live in a free society. I don't need to be like this. It's obscene. It is obscene. And we're all pigs. Here's some bad news. I lost my headphones. Oh, no. My nice noise cancelling fancy boys. I left them in an Uber.

Oh, yeah. brutal. I left them in an Uber. Oh, yeah. Yai. Brutal. I left them in an Uber and I rang up the Uber man and he said, I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know, man. It's gone. What even are headphones? Stop asking questions.

You won't like the answers. That's what he said. Stop poking around. That's annoying. Are they though old enough that you can go... The worst situation is if they're the current model and you can't even use it as an excuse to get the newest model. I think they're still the current model, but they're much much cheaper now. Okay.

So that's given me an undeserved feeling of achievement. In reality, I've just wasted my own money and time. But you know, most people lose shit all the time and it doesn't bother them. Do they? I think so, you know. Do they? There's some, we know some scatty ass people. Yeah, but we-

Just lose things all the time and they move on with their life. We work in the scatty ass industry though. With something like the headphones for me, I- But everyone else has routines, because my life is chaos. So it's harder to remember stuff. I always think as long as it gets used, I've left like power banks and chargers in places before. And the charge is like, you know, 20 quid is not ideal

to lose, but fine, whatever. But what bugs me is the idea that it gets picked, pulled out of the wall and thrown in a bin. Yeah, someone goes, yuck. Yeah, yeah. Ugh, ugh, brother, ugh. I. Watch that. Oh, great. Yeah. What's that? Charger brother. What's that brother? But if people are using it, whatever. Yeah, well, that's it. They're not gonna go. Yeah.

Spare charger. Throw in the bin. Yeah, use, that's it. They're not gonna go. Yeah, but Spare charger throw in the bin. Yes, use that so much. I'll just put that inside their phone Mmm, I'm going Gordon Ramsay. Oh, what's that? George has been inside another phone Yeah, that's true someone out there is enjoying maybe here's the story I can construct in my head someone out there is enjoying. Maybe here's the story I can construct in my head. Someone out there using my headphones that they have, let's say it, stolen. Yeah. Maybe they are now learning what it is to be free of the woman on the train on the way here, chewing gum in a way that I consider to be positively athletic.

Yeah, there you go. You pass on the love. Good luck out there. Let's be honest. When that Uber driver picked up the phone to you, he was talking to you through your headphones. Let's be perfectly honest. Is that why he was saying, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Let me just get the Bluetooth. Wait a minute. That's why he sounded so crisp and clear. Maybe. And that's fine. That's why he sounded so crisp and clear. Yeah, maybe. And that's fine. That's fine. He's allowed. He is allowed. It's a tip. I'll pretend it was a tip for the next passenger. Here, listen to something nice.

But yeah, sorry, man. That's annoying. It just meant that I had to I had to raw dog audio. The audio of life. Yeah, right. Yeah. that I had to I had to raw dog audio the audio of life yeah right yeah the gum chewing the weirdnesses of people I didn't like it at all I hated it hearing that lady oh god why would you chew like that how was how was she doing it chewing gum it was chewing gum she would chew It was chewing gum. She would chew in a burst of two or three, and then stop for ages. Okay. And while she chewed, her jaw would go as much side to side as up and down. Like a cow.

Yes. And like a mixture of like sudden like... And like squishing. Yeah, there's the sound of the tooth coming off the gum. Exactly. The whip crack of... The sonic boom of the tooth off gum. Yes, the whip crack of bone leaving gum. And then it would be like... It would be like squish squish, ka-cha!

Like that. And the squish squish of just two molars going, is there any flavor? And then going, no there's not. And that's so close to just going, you can't be like this. And then obviously watching TikTok out loud. That's insane. That's the worst thing for me. I hate that. And she kept she was either watching all the TikToks using the same sound. You know how like people

there'll be a trending sound on TikTok. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Everyone's putting, everyone's putting Putney, Putney Baba's new song on their cool dances. Sure. You could follow the... Oh, and she was following the song. So you just kept hearing the song. She was either following the song or she was just watching the same TikTok two seconds in over and over again. And it was that song that goes like, I am your mother, listen to me or whatever it is. I've never heard of that song What is that song? I'm not singing it right

Getting it spot-on. I did all those warm-ups before the record. I am your mother listen to I don't know what it is It's about I'm your mother listen to me. It's like incredibly heavily produced Right. It's not like a nice song. It's literally I'm your mother. Listen, I'm your mother. Listen to me. Gosh. It's Freud. It's the most Freudian pop hit. Oh, man. I've never, I've never listened to that. No, it's it's shit. But instead, so it was like chewing like horrible chewing noises and I am your mother. Listen, I am your mother. I am your mother. I am your mother. And I was just there going, this is hell. I'm in hell now. I died in that Uber.

How does someone live to adulthood thinking it's okay to play TikToks out loud on public transport? I don't understand it. Because they've never, they've never been told off for anything. They started at that point and they never deviated They were already on that highway And like what's supposed to happen is as you get older you're on that highway as it were and various authority figures Including ideally your parents or caregivers. Yes, say stop that. Yeah, it's bad to do that Yeah, and then you go okay and you pull off into a different road Yeah, these people have just been gunning it down that fucking highway. And they're going to be like that till they're dead. It's unbelievable. How they're not ashamed.

I'm so ashamed for anyone to know what I'm watching. Even if it's innocent, I don't want them to know what my tastes are. I think it's funny. I don't want people to see what article I'm reading. Read your own. I don't like it. They've got no sense of the public space. I think they go into a train carriage and it's all quiet and everyone's minding their own business. Yeah. They have a sphere of interest around them.

I think they interpret that as everyone gets to mind their own business. I think they do because like if, you know, in their defense, if you started doing the same thing, they would have no problem. Yeah, because they wouldn't even notice it. Yeah. In the same way that it's like someone going, well, I shit myself and I wouldn't mind if all of you were covered in your shit. And you go, right, but that's obviously worse.

That's obviously our worst vision of society. But they just can't see it because they're fine with being covered in poo. Yeah, exactly. They're just like, I'm in the mind your own business space. And my business happens to be out loud. So here I go. And they will be like that until they are frail enough to be frightened. Yeah, it is rare to see someone older doing that. I think when they get old, you think they'll still be like that. I think they'll still be like that for a bit. And then a more threatening younger, rude person will be like, oh, granddad, stop playing jazz out loud on the fucking tube.

I'm trying to whatever. And they'll go, oh, because they're old now. Yeah. And they can't do what they used to do and confronted, which is like, yell rambling speech about how they are owed respect or whatever, Yeah. Which is always seems to be the theme. Especially on reality TV. Everyone's owed respect or something. You can't talk to me like that or whatever.

You have to... I may be wearing a nappy, but that doesn't mean you can... I just booed myself. That's my right. You know, they just never... They talk as if they are the lieutenant governor of a colonial island. They always talk as if they owed that level of fucking obeisance. But is this just the price of freedom, Pierre? I mean, you know what? You go over to China,

people aren't doing that. They're not playing it on the train. They're not playing things out loud on the train. But they're slurping. But they are slurping. They don't mind the slurps. They don't mind the slurps, folks. We love the slurps. We love the slurps. More and more people are slurping. They don't mind the slurps. They don't mind the slurps, folks. We love the slurps. We love the slurps. More and more people are slurping. Yeah, I don't know, man. I just, I think, I don't know. I think it's the difference between two types of people. I read this online recently. I think it was in a blog. I don't know. All I do is read. So I can never remember where anything comes from.

But it was someone saying like, you know when the teachers say at school, I don't care who started the fight. Yes. I hated that lesson. So you're all getting punished. I hate that people, it's matter so much who started the fight.

It matters in the law. Mm-hmm. But what, not at school. Yeah, school is hell, man. A lawless hell. But when they say that, they go, it doesn't matter who started it, you is hell man. A lawless hell. But when they say that, it doesn't matter who started it, you're going to be in trouble no matter what. Good kids think, Oh, shit. I certainly shouldn't start fights then. Yeah, right. Or or fight back too much because it's no matter what it's

going to be bad for me. Yes, I don't like that. And if you're a bad kid, you hear that and you think, Oh, great, I just punch whoever I want in the face. And they you're a bad kid, you hear that and you think, well, great, I just punch whoever I want in the face. And they'll also be in trouble somehow. This is fantastic news. Because I don't care about that. Yeah. And so it's like saying to someone, you can only punch me in the face if you're willing to pay a huge fine of monopoly money. Well, yeah, you can have as much monopoly money as you are print out more. Yeah. It

means I can do what I want. And I think that that's... I'm starting to think it's all just a split between those two types. Yeah, I mean, I had a taste of English schools from time to time when I was a kid and the discipline was dreadful. Dreadful! Oh my God! The freedom is not worth the freedom, maybe. I know someone who was a teacher in Africa for nine years. And in that nine years, handed out three detentions.

What? Yeah. How? Kids weren't bad enough to get a detention. It was a very... I thought South Africa was very strict. Like a very strict kind of attitude to children. Yes, but hence only three detentions.

Oh, only three were needed? Yes. Oh, I see. I thought you meant like... No, no, no, no, no. They're like, it only ever came up thrice. Yes, yes, yes. In nine years. And then they're teaching the UK for two years and they want to, they're trying to find other jobs now. They've given out 20 detentions a lesson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's chaos. Yeah. It's chaos. Speaking of fun childcare situations. Last night I watched for the first time ever Mrs. Doubtfire. I know. Really? Never seen it. It just was we were just never came up.

Great. How did it make you feel? Great. Yeah, it's really good. It's really funny. Robin Williams was very talented. Yeah, he's very talented. Yeah. Very funny. Very sweet. The makeup is very good. Like, it's pretty good for 93. He looks like an old lady, I would say. I would say so. It's insane that they call Mrs. Outfire English the whole movie when she has a broad Scottish accent. And especially mad considering Pierce Brosnan is in the cast. And presumably at some point you said, you know, guys, that's you know, she has a Scottish accent. And you know, I'm from Ireland. And they all just

went, shut up, shut up. What? It's amazing, isn't it? Like the, that's such a thing. And it's faded a bit, but it used to be such a thing, especially like on the continent, like whenever you saw like a political cartoon about the Napoleonic Wars, they do a cartoon of a Scottish Highlander, like a red coat. Right. And it would be written England. Right. They just go, yeah, England.

England is the name for it all. Yeah. They have no concept of what the is the British hours in the UK and there's England, Scotland and Ireland, or there's Northern Ireland. They just go away. It's England. Fuck you. Yeah. One point, Mrs. Stafford first thing done as an island. And that's not an, you know what? I don't think she's who she says she is. I'm starting to get a fishy feeling about this Mrs. in quotation marks, doubt fire. But I just thought that was insane. 1993, I thought at that point, because you know, even Americans say, I'm Scottish.

You'd think, yeah. But they've just got this idea that Scotland is somehow, maybe like a town in England. They don't know what Wales is. Or like a state in England. Yeah, England is like saying America and Ohio is just part of America. Yeah. Maybe, I mean, God. That was maddening.

That would bug the shit out of me. Yeah, at one point, Pris, Brosnan's character does say, Oh, your accent's a bit of a mash. It's like, it's not a mash. It's wrong. It's wrong for England. It's quite a sort of cartoon-like Scottish accent. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Have you seen one hour photo or no 24 hour one hour photo? One hour photo where Robin Williams is really creepy. Yeah, I think I saw a bit of it. It looks really it's really good. I watched it that the other day. Weird by coincidence. Oh, I've never seen it. I always wanted to I want to watch the other one where he's creepy. The Alaska one. Yeah. Is it in Alaska?

No, there's two creepy Robin Williams. Oh, one. Yeah. Is it in Alaska? No, there's a two creepy Robin Williams. Oh, one is one hour photo, which is very like the bits with Robin Williams and they're great. But it's so funny to watch short movies from the 90s when you're used to Netflix series level depth of character exploration. Yeah. Is this like a 90 minute number? It's pre name a hundred minutes. It's a bit longer, but it's just that thing where it's just like nineties, nineties dad who is too busy. I don't know what happened in the fucking eighties and seventies to make writers like that. Every movie in the nineties is about dad who's too busy. Oh yeah. You're right. You're right. Yeah. Liar. Liar. Dad's too busy. Sorry. He's a high flying lawyer in misstep. My mom was too busy. Oh no. Which is, which is a high flying lawyer. In Mr. Down-Fi, a mum's too busy. Oh, no!

Which is a terrible thing. Which is much worse. Terrible thing. Terrible. Busy mum. Terrible thing. Yeah, everyone is always like, there's a parent that's too busy and the kid's got like amazing toys in this nice house.

And it's like, listen, you little fucking muppet. Well, it's all Mary Poppins. It's just Mary Poppins. It's just Mary Poppins there again and again. Mrs. Down-Fi is just Mary Poppins. But it's the mum is too busy and the dad is Mary Poppins. It's just Mary Poppins. It's just Mary Poppins again and again. Mrs. Downfall is just Mary Poppins. But it's the mom is too busy and the dad is Mary Poppins. I guess you can't do a movie about a kid who solemnly acknowledges that he is grateful his parents work hard for him. No.

There's no plot there. This is my great movie theory is all movies are actually Mary Poppins. Okay. Tell me a movie. I'll tell you how it's actually just Mary Poppins. Name a movie. Any movie. Mad Max Furiosa. Furiosa. Yeah. Mad Max Furiosa. Well, is her dad absent or is he not absent? That's true. Absent father. Yeah. Wacky, the arrival of a wacky new parent figure in the form of Dementus. She gets covered in sort of soot and grease like a bird. She meets eccentric chimney sweeps.

Exactly. She gets, chimney sweeps. Exactly. She gets, they were good at climbing up and down ropes and things. She learns a kind of dance. That's right. And coming around to this. Exactly. Every movie is Mary Poppins. There's some weird accents.

Yes. There are some Cockney-esque accents in the shape of an Australian accent. Oh crap. It's all Mary Poppins. They made one more movie. Okay. Scream. Scream. Yeah. In a creepy house and it isn't until the arrival of a mysterious outside figure.

With a black... With dressed in black, that they discover the true value of life. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And there's a lot of sequences where they kind of the nanny is coming from inside the house. Is that scream? I don't know. Have you seen that thing where someone's recut the trailer for Mary Poppins as if it was a horror? Yeah, it's really good. It's great. If you haven't seen it listeners, I recommend it. I also recommend coming to see me on the 22nd of June this month.

Wow, it's already June. The Bloomsbury Theatre. To be perfectly clear with all of you, it is the show that I just did a sold out run for the Soho Theatre. It is not last year's show. If you saw me on tour or if you saw me last year, this is a new show. And it's the last time, peace and love, it is the last time I will be doing it in London. And what is the name of the show that you're doing? This show is Why Are You Laughing. The last show was why can't I just enjoy things?

Yeah, which is now the title of my forthcoming book. Yes, which you can also pre-order but this show is why are you laughing? Yes, and it's the last time if you live within the m25 Or commutable. Yep Last chance peace and love. Do not be performing. Why are you laughing anymore? Peace and love. If any of you try to come and make me say it's getting trashed. Your letters are getting trashed. You're too prolific for your own good. You've got too many shows going at once. Yeah. And I'm writing a new one for the Fringe called Must We?

So it's all overlaid. There's conceivably a whole period of a year where I'm doing three different one-hour comedy shows. For no reason! Extraordinary. Revolting. Well, speaking of revoltingly prolific, let's read some correspondence. Yes. We have heard from... I'm gonna say Ben-o.

Ben-o? Yeah, I'm gonna say Ben-o. Unufren-o. Unufren-o. It's spelled Andrew, but I'm gonna say Ben-o. It's not as fast as... I'm gonna say Ben-o. What is as well. I'm gonna say Benno. What's B-E-N-N-O? 1N. B-E-N-O. Benno? Benno.

B-E-N-O. Like the cartoon magazine. Dennis the Menace has gotten touch. It must be Benno. It's Ben. He likes to be called Benno. Yeah, maybe he's Australian. He's just an Australian guy called Benno. Benno. Ben-o.

Ben-o. Ben-o. Ben-o. These wide O's. Yeah. That have somehow infected the nose. Yeah. Of London girls. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Hmm. Prince and pauper. Okay. Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

Here's one for the tat whisperer. Yours truly. Yes. Okay. Drink some water in preparation. Yeah, do. It's pretty gross. This one.

It's a wooden sign. Uh, I don't know if I, how can I make you whisper this? I I'm gonna make you guess what two words in this are okay and then I'll tell you what the illustration is oh the illustration is the words okay okay it's quite long okay to my son oh boy never I'm gonna try and change my voice to go along with every time the font changes. Okay. To my son, never forget that I love you.

I hope you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. When life tries to knock you down, this blank blank will always have your back. I can't promise to be here for the rest of your life, but I can promise to love you for the rest of mine. Love your mum. What? Yeah, that's your clue, your mum. Love your mum. So it's signed your mum?

Love your mum. Oh, that's true. Not mum. Oh, right, is he telling him to love his mom? No, it's from the mom. Oh, it's mom to son tat. I don't think we've ever had it. Mom to son tat. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. The whole time I was assuming it was a dad. Yeah. This is like that riddle about the surgeon. Yeah. How can I? I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. How can this be true? He's gay.

Genuinely, there's something about kids now just say, oh, well, it's two dads, obviously. Right. Really? That's funny. And it's like, fuck, there's another answer now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. Now the surgeon has to say, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son. Well, you should probably say what the riddle is. Oh yeah, I guess so. Which is that...

A father and son are out... In a car, they're in a car crash. They're in a car crash. The father is killed. Yes. The son is taken to hospital, but the surgeon upon seeing the son says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.

He's my son. And the question is, how is that possible? And the answer is, it's his mother. But because of our gender normative, sexism biases, people often don't can't even imagine being his mom. Yeah, they go like, they just sit for ages going, I guess cloning had survived and went up into heaven and came back down. But yeah, now kids are just saying, oh, two dads. Yeah, still love mom. But then how do we narrow that down? I can't operate on this boy.

He's my son. I have a female genitalia and no identifies a woman. Right, yes. You give it away. There are now so many answers to this riddle. It could just just be anyone. Yeah. Now the question is basically like, how is a raven like a writing desk?

It's not really any answer. But yeah, but this is mum to son time. We've never seen this. I don't think. Very strange. Very rare for a mum to direct this kind of saccharine nonsense out of their son. It's of half-way. At least in writing on wood.

Yes. Yes. saccharine nonsense out of their son. At least in writing on wood. Yes, yes. It's half way through the saccharine nonsense she refers to herself as this blank blank. This blank blank. This loving mother? No, it's more figurative than that. Figurative.

Oh, this mama bear. You're so close. Animals is the right area. This proud lioness. I'm going to give you lioness. Yes. It's not proud. This old lioness. There he is.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's crazy. This old lioness is gonna... I don't know, I can't imagine my mom ever sort of jabbing her thumb in her chest and going, this old lioness is gonna look out for you, you little fucker. Don't you worry. And the drawing is of a lioness then, is it? The drawing is of a lioness unaccountably wearing a crown.

Oh, and and and right she's sort of it's hovering over a cup half the faces cut off by the text. And she's hovering above a cub and he's she's got a crown. Imagine why would you add that like Tiara? So people go Oh, it's a lady lion. It's because it doesn't have a mane. You know, it's more Oh, man, that's rough. I was in South Africa once and there are some Americans who saw some female lions. Yeah, we're on Safari, me and my family a long time ago. And there were some female lions fannying about the Americans like, are they panthers? Because then their headlines have mains.

Yeah, of course. So they just could not believe. American tourists entertaining all the other tourists since 1777. A lit up sign of tat from Gilo. G-I-L-O. What is it with today? Gilo. Gilo.

Gilo. Gilo. A kilo, a kilometer. A kilogram. It's a little neon sign that I think is quite nice looking, but it does say, please don't do coke in the bathroom. Ah, please don't. Don't is in italics. Don't is in curly-whirly writing and the rest is in very official sign writing.

I have seen versions of that sign in a lot of bar bathrooms. And it's kind of like they're being serious about the request, but they're trying to still be cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey kids, don't smoke too many doobies in the living room or I'll have to steam clean the rug again. Yeah. Chill out, daddy-os. Don't do coke in the bathroom. We don't want 5-0 ruining the party. Right, guys? Right. Seriously though, don't, okay? Seriously though, please, we don't want five-o ruining the party. Right, guys? Right? Seriously though, don't, okay?

Seriously though, please, we'll lose our license. We'll lose our license if somehow it comes out that there's, please don't do it. Wow, if you feel like doing Coke in the bathroom, why not try our new Mojito? It's got pineapple in it. Right, guys? So, okay. Ding dong, pooh pooh lah hoo. Hattie. Hattie.

Oh, yeah. Hathorin. Hathorin. Hathorin. Hi there, Podfathers. Praise redacted, praise redacted. Unfortunately, I don't have a funny poo story. I've only shut myself in the most sincere of manners.

Good. Good. Fair enough. Dignified grown up. However, I do want to relay a recent experience of spreading the Bud Pod gospel. Yes. The Church of Dirty Little Boys and Dirty Little Girls. Spread the word. Every year my friend Gareth and I venture to Norfolk to see our friend E for an event known as Dumpfest. Dumpfest? This sounds like a poo story. Note, this has nothing to do with celebrating a bin bag or bum bum life.

It is named for the venue of this gathering, Dumpling Farm. Oh! That must be where they farm the wild dumplings. Yes, dumpling trees. You snip off a dumpling when it's heavy and rich with minced pork. a dumpling when it's heavy and rich with minced pork. Dumfest is a collection of Mary Jester's musicians and friends that come together annually to play music and the game Shugal. What? This story has so many turns in it.

Shugal? Which isn't refereed but policed. Shugal sounds like a game you should be aware of from your degree, Pierre. It does sound like It sounds like an old English game. It sounds Dutch. It's spelled in quite a Dutch way. Apologies for sniffing. Shugal. What is this? Shugal Family Chiropractic. Nope. It sounds like an old Celtic game or something. Shugal. Maybe just because I'm thinking it sounds like Dougal. What could this be? Is it not coming up with any results? Have they invented the game Shugal? Is this the only place where you can play Shugal? Maybe they've just made it up. Maybe it is something they've made up and

they're just like, they're just saying, oh, it's a thing that we do. Does Hathorin explain what Shugal is at all? They don't seem to. Shugal isn't refereed but policed, can be brutal, and has two compairs that sound like the bastard child of Matt Berry and Pierre. Compairs? Two compairs, no less. Two compairs of a game that has policing can get very brutal. With a band that accompanies play. Wow. This is very jousting tournament. Yes. that accompanies play. Wow. This is very jousting tournament. Yes.

Once festivities- It sounds like one of those English traditions where in a town they chase a chicken around, people end up bloodied and- You have to fight over a flaming cheese. Yeah, that's it, yeah. Once festivities concluded, we drove back to E's house in the early hours of the morning.

Our soundtrack, the correspondence from episode 51, the Nadir. Early stuff. The Nadir, of course. The Nadir. This both delighted and horrified E, and the next day she couldn't stop referencing the monks robed in brown. That evening, we were invited to dinner to conclude the weekend's festivities in the company of her boyfriend and another dump fester, a disgusting name for an attendee.

After dinner, when the eating was safely over, E told them about this brilliantly funny food cast. She ran upstairs to retrieve her speaker and proceeded to place it on the center of the dining table. Oh no, like a seance. I was asked to fire up episode 51 to shout to the initiation. There we were gathered like a family from the thirties around the wireless as your dulcet tones announced the unspeakable.

They demanded more stories and poop stories and you delivered in the form of the unfortunate incident of the house party in the fountain of Brown. We laughed, we gagged, oh God, we collectively clenched. Her friend delighted in the tales of the scatological and her horrified boyfriend sat there silently squirming until urgently he popped the inevitable question. Has anyone touched their own poo? Wow. Wow. But there's no follow up. Oh. All right.

I guess people just kind of ignored he said that. He said that and he was immediately, you know, like from behind neck snap. Just killed. I'd like to thank you for making our dump this weekend a true festival of dumps and report for more converts. Amazing. Thank you. I myself became a historian thanks to my boyfriend John, as he's been a big fan of you guys for a long time. Marvelous. Thank you Hattie and John and everyone who enjoyed that. Lovely. I love to hear stories of the church growing. Stories of conversion. Of proselytizing. Ah yes.

Yes. Okay. Well, lovely. Podselytizing. Podselytizing. Podselytizing. Come see me on the 22nd of June or forever hold your tongue. Bloomsbury Theatre tickets in the... I'll put a link in the

description of this episode and it's all over my socials. Blah, blah, blah. I currently have nothing that I can plug, but there will be some soon. Secret. Secret. Exciting secrets. Bye!