BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 27 - Podarch of the Glen!

Episode Date: August 28, 2019

Podarch of the Glen! The last day of the Fringe! Some great correspondence but no sketches this week! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie discuss high fashion and ignoring hot models, body types, Dirty Monday and the end of the Fringe horror, Phil is off to Scandinavia and Pierre has some cool news about Frank Skinner, Malaysian ketchup. Phil has been conducting the Slurpies, his East Asian food awards, Spangler Merbels, Szechuan pepper and disappointing bibimbap. Phil loves to bitch, Pierre’s lowlights are explained in a tortured chef metaphor. Correspondence includes: Argentine dried up fannies, Phil’s mouth noises, Brendan sends in a French poo story. Get in touch! [e-mail] or @TheBudPod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 27, my word. 27 is the dramatic age, isn't it? Yeah, die or get off the pot. Bed pot is now old enough to possibly release its best ever work. Yes. Before its untimely death. Can a podcast... now, what's a tasteful way of doing this? Can a podcast blow its own brains out with a shotgun? That's tasteful, right?

Can a podcast be murdered by Courtney Love? Ah, interesting. Oh, no, I don't think that was true. Well, challenge put to you, love. That's not me being sexist. That's me calling her bad. Yes, of course. Of course it was.

How are you doing, Phil? We're at the end of the month here. We're grizzled, stinky, rotten, fat. Pierre is literally topless, as I'm talking to him. I've lost all my tops. But he's hairy enough that he's basically got a shirt on anyway. The fringe has taken the shirt off my back. You look like you're wearing a...

You could be wearing a top that would be all the rage at the met gala oh like very brave yeah like it makes you look like you're sort of slightly gloopy bear man yeah yeah the theme this year is into the woods yeah whatever and also like this would be worn but by like normally very sort of beautiful women and they look like sort of slightly gloopy bare men and everyone would be like wow it really really makes you think and it's one of those things that does make you think like one of those levels of art where you go oh that's interesting oh it makes you think and then you think a bit more and think no it doesn't all it makes me think is that there's some people out there who are pretty enough that they can wear the little bin bags literal bin bags.

Tiny bin bags, yeah. And they'll still be pretty. It's amazing, isn't it? That's the only statement I hear. Look how pretty I am. Even in this caked shit, literal shit I've just caked and turned into a cone dress. I still look cute, even

in shit. I'm dressed like one of the least impressive aliens from early Star Trek. And you all still find me sexy. Isn't this incredible? A skill I've developed when shopping, Phil, is to be able to look at a display of shirts or trousers or whatever

and to see the photograph of the chiseled hunk porting these things on the end of the rack. Lovely fella fella and to be able to unsee him and instead be able to tell that the clothes would make you look like a fucking grandpa yeah i i had to learn that lesson real quick after my my first dalliance into asos i looked at the picture and thought wow what a nice. And then the shirt arrived and I went, oh, what a handsome man. I finally realized why models are worth doing their job.

Yeah. They'll sell anything. And sometimes you look at a guy and you go, why? If you have like a chiseled jaw and cheekbones, you look like a well-groomed version of a manly woodsman this flannel shirt and khaki trouser combo makes you look like uh sorry i was just being very sexy fixing my boat engine yeah that that'll be your um what a type what was it what was the word something Something type when it's the platonic ideal of something. Oh, not prototype.

Not prototype, not stereotype. Not phenotype. People are screaming the answer. Yeah, sorry about this, guys. Let me see if I can find it. Other words for the platonic ideal. You won't get this on... I can't it. Other words for the platonic ideal. You won't get this on...

I can't think of any other podcast now. You won't get this on Joe Rogan. Archetype. Archetype. There you go, yeah. So, W.R. Archetype is the handsome, somehow sweatless lumberjack. Yes. Mine is... Who's groomed even though he lives in the woods.

Yes. Mine is a very thin, high-cheeked-boned Asian man with Yakuza tattoos for some reason. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Or, alternately, still very thin, high-cheeked bones, but, like, a really, like, sharp-angled suit. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Like, who knows what I do in Singapore? And mine is, like, the lumberjack is, like who knows what I do in Singapore? Where,

and mine is like the lumberjack is like, he's very cut, but his arms aren't too big. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, he's like, he doesn't have the body fat to do this job.

He's strong, but he's not threatening. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. But like in terms of how he should look, you sort of go like, well,

you know, you'd have, you'd need bigger upper body strength. You're a lumberjack, but that doesn't, you know, you'd need bigger upper body strength than that, you're a lumberjack. But that doesn't, you know, you've got to look nice and shredded. You've got to look like a less muscly Captain America type T physique.

Yes. Big letter T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. T for trouble? I'm a lowercase T, just the head and then really short little arms. And a sort of curly bottom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a cursive T. Yeah. My legs go up in a curl and point to the right of it. I think I'm a zero, a computerized zero. Oh, yeah. It's just sort of a general oval.

That's true, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rounded off rectangle man. Well, it's, today is the last day of the fringe. It's the last day, apart from those fools. Now, listeners,

the fringe ends technically on a Monday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. We're recording this on Sunday, the 25th of August. And the Mondays refer to as Dirty Monday, listeners. Is it? I've heard of this. Yes.

Dirty Monday. Dirty, dirty Monday. Because all the comedians do a dirty protest and smear shit all over their overpriced venues. No, it's basically anyone who is sane goes, you know what? It's the end of the month. It ends on a Sunday. I'll do the weekend and that's it.

And on Monday, like if you do shows on the Monday, you will do your show in a venue that I've seen people doing shows in venues on the Monday while it's being dismantled around them. Oh God. Like a piece of horrifying satire. It's depressing. The end of the fringe

is one of the bleakest things. Imagine a carnival being packed up times a thousand. It's like doing your show while it's being reclaimed by bailiffs. Because for some debt you haven't paid this month. Riffing while you're being

dragged away by the police. Hey, who are these guys? You all right, mate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no Dirty Monday for you and me, Phil. We're done tonight. Yes. I'm back on the train tomorrow.

Out of Dodge. Sorry, Edinburgh. Yeah. I'm back home. And, well, I guess I'm happy it's over. I'm tired. My voice is going. My voice is finally going.

My voice is going. I woke up today and the first person I saw, I just went, hi. I was like, oh, God. I sound like I was undead. I've been able to do a lot more voices, like I'm smoking, like kind of very... Yeah.

Yeah, I can do Patty and Selma. Oh, that's good. That's horrible and good. Chop, chop. It's never explained what's wrong with that family, is it? Well, they're just smokers. Yeah, but then Marge and also the old mum sound like it too. Oh, yeah.

Maybe they have some sort of inherited sinus problem. It's implied, yeah, that they've got some kind of larynx deformity. Which in America would be a pre-existing condition. So maybe it's a satire in the American medical community. Who knows? Who does know? Matt Groening probably. And he's taking it to his grave.

His graving. Very good. So I'm taking it to his grave. His graving. Very good. So I'm glad it's over, purely because it can't go on any longer than this. Can you imagine if we had another week of this? It's like having an elderly grandparent die. It's sad, but in many ways, it's a relief. You know?

I don't like saying this, but in many ways, it is a relief. And it's harder and harder to sell tickets for them towards the end of the month. Well, you've been a sold-out boy, and you've sold out your Soho Theatre run, as we sit here now. Yes, my Soho Theatre run is sold out. It starts in like a week and a bit.

I'm doing a couple more London shows in November at the Leicester Square Theatre, and it's a big old boy, the Leicester Square Theatre, so come on to that. If you live in Sweden or Copenhagen, I'll be in the Lund Comedy Festival this weekend. So come to that. I have no idea what it's going to be like.

I've never been before. I think you'll relish the Scandinavian sleek designs. Yes. But the Lund looks like like an oldie town. Still. It's always like Copenhagen's old, but it was all sleek and noodley. It was sleek then.

Yeah. That's right. It seems to be a long-running thing. Or they've just neatened it over the years. I'm not sure. What have you got coming up? We're both just burping gently to ourselves here. My big news is I'm going to be the tour support for Frank Skinner.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. That's right. That's exactly the right number of wows, Phil. That's great, man. So me and old Frankie Skinner, the Birmingham boy. The Birmingham... He's not actually from Birmingham. He's from like a...

Not Birmingham. The Midlands master. The Midlands master. The West Midlands winning man. The West Midlands wizard. Winning man's also good. Yes. He's a lovely man, Frank.

I've met him a few times, and he has selected me... From a lineup! From an arena. Yes. An arena of all the other... We all lined up. It was like conga games.

We all congregated in a square. Yeah. A lot of comedians had to die from eating poisoned berries for me to make it this far, listener. And I had to shoot a lot of comedians had to die from eating poisoned berries for me to make it this far listener um and i had to shoot a lot of people with a bow and arrow but that's just the way it is look that's entertainment survival that's that's the business you sign up for they call it the they call it the wooden heckle being shot by an arrow. That's how common it is.

He caught a wooden heckle. That's what people say. My God. A feathered heckler got him. Pow. In the chest. Anyway, the point is I'll be doing that for all of fucking autumn. Fantastic.

Basically from September until Christmas time. Me and Frankie boy are going to be holding hands. Skipping down, up and down the M1. Yeah. Holding hands and listening to bands. Hey, will you be in the car together then? I don't know. Possibly.

That's interesting. What do you think we're going to listen to? Ooh, erotic audio books, I hope. Yes. But like very detached. Like as it's playing, we're going, well, I don't think that that's the right verb. Oh, it's like you're watching a sex scene in the family

and you're like looking out the window. Look at that, that tree's weird. Even though you're the ones who put it on. Wouldn't it be funny if that's how he ensured silence in the car? He goes, if I put on music, people still try and talk through it. So that's going to have to be a really sexy book. It's such a great road trip show movie. Yeah.

Pierre and Frank on the road. Well, he's quite interested at the moment in Anglo-Saxon history. Ah. And I studied Anglo-Saxon history at university. And I have some books about it and things and so we're going to talk about that a lot,

I think. So basically, Frank Skinner is Queen Victoria and you are his Pakistani tutor. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Very much so.

I'm going to stand quietly behind him while he does, he conducts his business. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Teaching him these ancient languages. Yes, but also somehow I'm his bodyguard. I don't know.

And you also fall in love with him. I don't know. Yeah, it takes me aside on day one. You're going to open for me to warm up the audience and so on. But if someone's head needs cracking, you better get jacking. That's all I'm saying. Your eyes just turn white in the middle of a joke and you just leap from the stage like the Hulk.

No latecomers. No latecomers. I do that thing where I land and like dust comes up yeah yeah everyone's like and then once once the guy's like crashing against the wall

and then your pupils return so anyway I was at the supermarket have you guys ever noticed that you can buy tins and everyone's just like please please where's Frank you can buy tins and everyone's just like laugh just laugh please

where's Frank please bring out Frank does Frank know this is happening does Frank endorse this how separated is he from all this yes and then they'll really want Frank to come out and that's my job yes of course

it's a real tightrope to tread the support act because you need to be good so that people aren't bummed out but not so good that you know the headliner looks like a little poop pants baby yeah and you can't stink out the room can't stick out the room can't make can't have it completely smelling the flowers neither that's it that's it you've got to aim right down the middle of that bowling lane. Bread. Bread. Yeah, I get the smell of the bread. Yeah, you're like restaurant bread, but if the restaurant made you eat the bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's pretty much the vibe. I think some pod buds are coming. On the tour? I think so. Oh, that's good. Yeah. So Frank is pulling in some bud pod dollars. No, wait No no Because I haven't announced it

Sorry I got confused Because I saw an email from someone saying Because Frank recommended my Edinburgh show Their parents were going Oh I'm getting confused Because it's later in the month And my blood is so thick

Well you haven't got a shirt on Yeah Yeah My blood is like ketchup at this point Yeah horrible Delicious Glooping around me Yeah yeah delicious

People keep dipping chips in me. Originally from East Asia. Oh. Thank you. Really? Yeah. In Malay, soy sauce is called ketchup. You're kidding me.

No. Ketchup. You are pulling on my ping pong. How about that? What? How about that? Yep. I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm. And I know all sorts of things. I think the word is from that region. That's, I've always wondered about that. Because it's a weird word, isn't it? Ketchup I didn't know that. And I know all sorts of things. I think the word is from that region. I've always wondered about that. Because it's a weird word, isn't it? Ketchup. Ketchup, yeah. Ketchup.

Or just in the UK, it's often tomato sauce. Yeah, yeah. Don't ask. This is tomato sauce. Don't ask where it's from. Ketchup never heard of him. This is tomato sauce. We invented it in

Salisburyshire. What do you think of that character? That's good. I would call him Sir Dingleberry. Sir Dingleberry who believes all foods are created in England. Dingleberry, yeah, that's a fun character. Yeah, do you know what Dingleberry is? Dingleberry?

Yeah. It's in England. Is it a real place? No, no, it's a thing. A dingleberry is a...berry yeah it's in england it's a real place no no it's a thing oh a dingleberry is oh it's like uh piles it's like a bit of poo oh on an animal's bum hair yikes so dingleberry yeah it works Now it's time for Fringe Highlights and... Fringe Lowlights. Ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Yeah. Any highlights this month?

Well, I was saying I've enjoyed our adventures to various Asian cuisineries. Yes, of course, the Slurpees. I've been conducting the Slurpees. I visited my final candidate today, this afternoon, for lunch with my family. Where was that? It's called Fusion Gourmet. Those are two words that are exciting for people who like food but have nothing to do with Asia.

No, not really. And the fusion at this restaurant appeared to be Chinese food and rice. Chinese dishes fused with rice. Imagine it. Can you imagine such a thing? Rice? I think there was one. I think it was actually

they fused different parts of china but it's all like chinese food i guess china's big it is big um if you had like italian spanish that would be fusion or just like well like italian in general because they'd be like and it's got southern sauce even though it's a milan dish. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like, oh. You'd be like, okay, it's pasta though, isn't it? Is it spaghetti? Is it spag bol? That is a very horrible face Phil's doing there. Is it spag bol? I do have spag bol with cheese.

No spag, no bol. Spaggy and merbles. Or spangler merkel. Or spangler merkels. Or spangler merkels. Spaghetti meatballs. Spangler merbles Or Spangler Merkels. Or Spangler Merkels. Spaghetti meatballs. Spangler Merkels. Spangler Merkels. Would that be funny at a press conference?

Excuse me, Spangler Merkels? Would she stop you? Would she answer your question? I think she would just go, yeah. Yeah, a bit. Some regional English accent. She'd just go, I assume that must be fine. Hi, Spangler Merbils. Excuse me, Spangler Merbils.

What would the equivalent be for like Boris Johnson? Excuse me, Norris Bonson. Yeah. Loris. Loris. Sponson. Sponsor. Premgrinister Sponson.

Premgrinister. Mr. Premgrinister. Charlie Bronson. Charlie Bronson, Premgrinister. Yeah. Spanglerler Spangler Merbles Excuse me Resident Maroon

Mr. Macaroon President Macaroon That's kind of cute though Mr. Macaroon Hey Macaroonie Everyone goes Aww

Yeah Fusion Gourmet was good Yeah Had some soft shell crab had some tofu, had some szechuan a big old pot of szechuan veg and seafood and meat I don't like szechuan pepper, I just don't like it

it makes your mouth go odd it makes your mouth go odd and then has these little pings of saltiness so you go, oh and they kind of sneak up on you and grab you in one part of the tongue oh, it's just really salty it makes my mouth feel vulnerable and they just kind of sneak up on you, just grab you in one part of the tongue. Oh! Just really salty for some. It makes my mouth feel vulnerable. Yeah.

It feels like it's stripped some kind of armor off it. And I like spicy food, but I just don't like this particular sensation. But it's not even a... If you haven't had it, listeners, it's not even like a spicy burn. It's like... It's almost like...

The closest I could get is if you somehow cross chili with mint or licorice. It's like if chili fuck toothpaste yes or mouthwash or the kind of that yes yes yes yeah the numbing burn but people love it it was an interesting mouth uh feeling when we went to that disappointing korean place oh the disappointing korean place yeah i had a bib and bap listeners for the first time and it's not just that sounds like something you could call boris johnson um prime minister bibimbap it's a funny name for a dish bibimbap this also sounds a lot like a fart bibimbap bibimbap

bibimbap and it turns out listeners that if you don't know a lot about Korean food, and I don't, bibimbap is a metal bowl with whatever they could find in it. Well, that's the thing. It's supposed to... I mean, it came across like a bit of garden and some rice

and this cold metal bowl with a pre-fried egg in it was just sacrilege. It's just like a fully boiled egg. It's supposed to be a hot clay pot that's still cooking. And you have a raw egg cracked into it, and you mix it all around with the rice,

and it cooks in the pot. And the meat is still a bit raw. Well, that sounds much better than what we had. Yeah, what we had was like... It was like they put quite a solid base of rice in there that was like if you tried to make a cake, the base of the cake was rice. Solid. It was really in there, the rice rice it was like the restaurant was our divorced dad who

who's trying to make us the dish mom used to make but he doesn't know how to do it yeah mom was korean and he's like this is bibimbap isn't it made a fucking bibimbap uncle ben's in a fried egg put a load of uncle ben's in there fried an egg chuck a load of rocket in there a load of rocket salad in there as well yeah there were peas in it like garden peas

giant peas in a Korean no bibimbap bibimbap that was bibimbap I won't be coming bibimbap

I wow we've never been reviewed so cruelly and so rhythmically. Like a little rapper. The fried chicken was okay though. Fried chicken was quite delicious. All sweet and honeyed as well. But that's a fringe highlight, I think. It's a delicious distraction.

It is. From an enormous lagoon of clowns desperately treading water. And then looking down and realizing it's mud. Yes. Yep. My fringe highlight, and I hate to say it, the bitching. I absolutely love it. I've got a it, the bitching. I absolutely love it. I've got a second wind for bitching and gossip.

It's just the best. But you know what I thought of? I realized the other day what it is the fringe feels like. I was telling it to a comedian. And I said it's like the 15 minutes after school for a month so school's just finished for the day yeah for a month yeah we're all running around hanging out doing extracurriculars and we've all got the gossip about each other oh you never guess who farted in maths yeah yeah yeah but we never actually do the lessons it's just that little bit

after school finishes that's good yeah we're all in the quad. It's just that little bit after school finishes. That's good, yeah. We're all in the quad and we're talking about what just happened. Smoking on the tennis courts. Yeah. Sure. I think that's good, yeah. And there's been some good gossip

or even just some relatively public misbehavior by a few people, which is grist to the mill i suppose um i would say listeners that the vast majority of comedians are quite considerate reasonable people yes with an above average level of intelligence the ones that we know at least yes whereas i'd say what one in ten sure two in two one, what, one in ten? Sure. Two in... One in five? No, one in eight. Well, one in ten people is a psychopath anyway. So I guess... It's not that high.

Is it not? One in a hundred, sorry. Sorry, I was going to say, fuck it. Can you imagine society? Okay, so like, yeah, I'd say like one in eight comedians lets the side down by being either like a genuinely like hitler hitler level narcissist or so unbelievably like socially bizarre yeah that you sort of to call them rude would be as sort of odd and pointless as like calling uh um mussolini a seagull rude right be like well the seagull just is oh i see i see i thought you meant it's

like an understatement no it's like it's like it's true but it's so in their nature and they're so far from being able to stop doing it right that it's almost like well yeah but they're just like they just fly around stealing chips and pecking people i mean what can we do yeah some there are some people in this uh community industry that i looked upon like a sort of, hmm, what would you say, like a sort of mythical beast, you know? Yeah. They should be understood, but they can't be changed. Yes, like a reckless curiosity.

Yeah. They sort of stomp around. We sort of accept them. I swear we've discussed this before. I've just got very powerful deja vu. Anyway, maybe it was on my favorite podcast. It doesn't matter. The point is, listeners,

it's a lot of fun to sit around. I'm sure you all have them, the one weirdo at work. And if you don't, it's you. Hey! Hey! End of the month comedy. God, I hate that fucking joke so much.

It's the worst and it still pops up. Those kind of jokes on my fringe low light. Okay, I was just about to ask you. So the hack jokes that someone you previously trusted and respected suddenly comes out with. And you go, oh no, not you. Yes. You were the chosen one. You were meant to bring balance to the fringe.

This is exactly it. Now, listeners, for this analogy, I suppose, think of comedians as chefs. Of course. We're all chefs. Smokers. Very dirty. Need stimulants to keep going. Yeah.

Antisocial. Lots of shouting. So comedians are like chefs. And we all take pride in our particular dish. Whatever our level, we want the public to enjoy what we make, and we take pride in our cooking. But every now and then,

you'll have a friend or just someone you vaguely know who you think, they're a good chef. I think they're a pretty good chef, actually. And you'll go and watch them in their kitchen cooking, and by God, you see them microwaving rice in a bag. The rest of the meal is good. Putting bell peppers in a stir fry. The rest of the meal is good.

They're sitting there. They're fricasseeing stuff. There's a souffle at the end, by God. But a few patches here and there. Iceland frozen from frozen. Yeah, but I mean... That kind of joke. If you don't have XYZ, you are one.

If you don't know anyone who blah, blah, blah, it's you. That's like a from frozen pastry base. I'm not saying it doesn't work. I'm just saying I'm disappointed. It's an understandable bit of cheating. We know it's hard to feed 60 to 170 people at once. Yeah.

And so some things you're going to have to take out the freezer. Look, you've got large groups. Yeah. You press for time. Yeah. Some stuff's going to be pre-made.

Yeah, sure. It's understandable, but it's still disappointing to see. It's still a shame. It's still a shame. Those are my lowlights, especially at shows which I've been told are like,

if it's someone I don't know, a chef I don't know, and I'm told that they're like a cordon bleu Michelin starred chef and I go see them cook in their kitchen and it's just fucking microwaves pinging freezer door slamming

they've got someone to hand them some McDonald's through a window outrageous my low light is probably paying for a gym membership at the beginning of the month and going twice well i've been once so okay i've done twice as well as you've done twice as well as me i've been once because the first session i went to i did uh an incredibly intense session there were burpees involved when i i was watching you I did a much more

gentler routine and I watched you basically kill yourself slowly yeah and I thought Pierre's not coming back I'm going to come back

at least one more time my armpit muscles hurt for the next eight days and after that I was just tired forever so armpit

and the armpits where there's nothing it's a pit Pierre exercised so hard. I grew a new muscle that humans have never had. Yeah, it doesn't dip in his armpit anymore.

It's a muscle that sticks out of it. If I spray deodorant on it, it vibrates. Yeah, horrible. Really? No. Oh.

My fictional muscle in my armpit. I thought you were talking about the actual little bits of side muscle there. No, no. That's how tired it was. No, those are fine.

They're gloopy now though. Yeah, they all go glooping back. It's all gone glooping back. I'm going to have to go back to London

and really punish myself. Oh boy. I'm kind of looking forward to it though. Having a really stringent autumn. Because I've been

eating, listeners, like a man who's just got out of jail. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it suits you. It suits you. It's how my brain wants me to live. But much like all the other things my brain tells me to do, I must ignore it.

This bad advice. Do I have another fringe low light? The sun beating in through my window every morning. Ooh, yes. That's been bad. Boiling hot. Or pouring rain. Yeah, I mean, this is so in the lane, but the weather is...

The weather's just been... No thanks. No thank you! The trouble is that when it's not pouring with rain, listeners, what we get is um blazing hot sunshine and the the the level of um the the the level of heat in the in my in my in my showroom last night my venue rather was it felt illegal well every wall in scotland is built with a thickness that would imply it is supposed to be attacked by the English. It's waiting to be attacked.

Probably with cannons. Yeah. Not just like chopping, like Age of Empires, where a guy with a sword slowly destroys a brick wall. Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable. Yeah, every venue is cannonproof and boiling hot if more than four people go inside. Yeah, and they go, yeah, well, it's obviously very easy to air condition this venue, but we've put in loads of insulation to stop noise bleed. So now it's like we've wrapped it in a million fur coats. And my venue in particular does have fans in the ceiling that could be working.

And they're just like, you're not allowed to turn them on. Right, really? They broke after six days, and we've been telling them to do something, and they just, no. Fantastic. Yeah, amazing. Really amazing. Sorry to talk shop listeners, but fuck me.

Just... This country can't keep itself cool! And the trains slip on the leaves. Meanwhile, over in Germany, Spengler Merbles is laughing her. Laughing all the way to the IMF. I don't know what that means. Ring rings. Letters. Emails. Emails. Phone calls. correspondence that's right it's correspondence time oh you've been writing we've been reading and again we love them, but we can't reply to all of them or read them all out. But we see your compliments, we read them, and they make us feel fuzzy in our tum-tums.

Yes. Like when I touch myself in a special way. That's right, with a salami that you've dipped in Vaseline. Yum! And you're wearing your hat. Which hat? You know the hat. Oh, I do.

Kristen gets in touch. Hi, Kristen. Kristen is a... No, I can't say that. Well, maybe she... So this is Kristen's sense of humor. Was she Kristen, that name? Thank you.

Very good. A save from obscenity to Christ. Which is also an obscenity for some people. That's true. Multicultural. Radio 4 will touch you about you saying Jesus Christ, then fuck. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They get more complaints with Jesus Christ than fuck. Jesus Christ. I know. Christ fucking pensioners. Radio 4 is like a kind of witch's curse where it's like you get to have an enormous radio station

which can be as smart as you like but the only people who listen are bitchy little pensioners. You're like, well, that's the cost of this. Yeah, it's like a Greek tragedy of all these listeners but they all be dead in a month.

And they only listen to hate it. Yeah, they listen to go, no, it's not my sort of thing. Anyway, Kristen, hi again, potty mouths. Hello. Are we real friends now, she says. She's gotten in touch before.

I guess we are now. Sure, we're pen pals. Sure, we're pen pals. Pod pals. We're pod pals. Pen pod pals Last year for my birthday, my husband and I planned a fun date She says a fun day night

Day night? Yeah It's when you have Nighttime in the day Oh, like when you live in Iceland Yeah You just go to bed and you go Oh, it's dark, I can't see. Oh, and you have all the

lights on blazing away. And you have breakfast for dinner. You have brinner, like from Scrubs. I think she means date night, which included dinner and a movie. Classic stuff, Kristen. My birthday being in February, post box office Oscar rush, there aren't really

a ton of movies to choose from. We ended up seeing A Private War, an intense movie about a female journalist who, spoiler, ends up getting herself killed by going to the most dangerous war fronts to report on all the horrific things happening there. True story, she really was incredible.

As we're walking out, people are sniffing and crying all around us. Pathetic. And I turn to my husband. It's just a movie. Yeah. Oh, but a real person. But It's just a movie. Yeah. Oh, but a real person. But still, just a movie.

Yep. I turn to my husband and say with a straight face, should we stay and watch the teaser for the sequel? It's funny. It's funny. I think it was a bit too loud as I got nasty looks from the ladies in front of us. Keep on tear jerjerking it. Nice.

I'm glad she followed up my very tasteless joke with an equally tasteless joke of her own. Yes, I think that's good. We're at the same wavelength. Yeah, that's nice. There's a nice lining up there. Now, Harriet gets in touch Harrow, Harry

I can do it It's alright when I do it If anything, it's one of your lesser utilised privileges Yes Phil could be talking like that all the time If I wanted to You should go on Radio 4 and speak like a horrific racial

caricature And anyone who points it out complain about them yes how dare you like get really angry yeah yeah yeah how dare you stereotype explain me yeah yeah yeah this is how I want to talk

I'm reclaiming it I like it I identify as a racist version of myself um Harry gets in touch dear dop dub I like it. I identify as a racist version of myself. Harry gets in touch. Dear Dop Dub. Dop Dub. Love your work.

Ah, it's backwards. Like Alucard is Dracula. When does that happen? The vampires always put their names backwards and things. Oh. Which is pointless because just pick a fake name, you fucking idiot. But is it because they pick a fake name you fucking idiot. But is it because they can't they're never reflected

in mirrors so they think at least I can reflect my name. They think their name is Alucard because they look in mirrors to whatever.

I love your work never have I found scatology so entertaining. Thank you. Yes. We were falling back in love with it ourselves. Just a note

on the Indian scoop let's get food gesture. Ah, yes. You mentioned in the last part, or the last but one part, I lived in Argentina for a little bit, and the Argentines have a particularly strong hand gesture game that complements their generally lewd and dark humor. Ooh, interesting.

They use loads of gestures for all sorts of stuff, but that little scoop pinch thing, if you do that, but without raising it to your lips, it's the most offensive thing you can do. Wow. And it means your mother has a dried up fanny. Wow. That's compact.

Now for American listeners, we mean vagina. Yeah. Not the bum bum. You're the only country that says fanny for bum bum. Because a dried up bum bum, that's a compliment. That means she's keeping it clean.

Good for you. Wiping. Dry. Supposedly, it looks like a conch shell. All the worst insults in Argentina revolve around la concha de tu madre. Your mother's conch. Yeah. The dried up bit I can't account for.

Why would your mother's menopause be a source of shame? Fair enough. She's taking it very elegantly, actually. All lady things are a source of shame, traditionally. That's true. All throughout history, it's been our main thing we've been interested in for some reason. Let's see.

Most uncool cool thing, skateboarding. Although we might associate it with laid-back Californians, there's nothing chill about it at all. It's really demanding and takes itself far too seriously. Is that not the most uncool cool thing? What did you say? Uncool cool thing? Uncool cool thing.

Oh, yeah. No, you're absolutely right. Coolest uncool thing,. What did you say? Uncool cool thing? Uncool cool thing. Oh yeah, no, you're absolutely right then. Coolest uncool thing, writing postcards. Yes, yes, yes. I've sort of been back in vogue for a few years, hasn't it? It's nice when someone puts in a little bloody effort. Yes, and it's

such a unique thing to get something through the post which isn't lies. It's the amount of lies you get sent through the post. It's pretty astonishing. Yeah, I should put a sign outside my mailbox now that says't lies. Just the amount of lies you get sent through the post is pretty astonishing. Yeah, I should put a sign outside my mailbox now that says no lies. Yeah, but just like advertising and lies

and just like, why is there a hole in your front door? So all the lies can get in. For some reason, it's very important for me to be lied to directly. I can't always be there to hear the lies, so people write them down and then put it through my door and then I read them later.

And often the lies will be designed to trick me in a way that will impact me later. Lastly, a request. Pierre, please don't let Phil do the lip-smacking again. Ha! That has come up as an absolute bar. Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right.

That's funny. What could she be talking about? No, please. No, don't. We're going to lose Harriet. Fuck me. I'm going to lose you at this point. Pierre, please.

Yeah, I'm just going to shoot myself in the head. God. Pierre, please don't let Phil do the lip smacking again. None of the poo, jizz, or penis content on this podcast has ever made me heave as much as the sound of Phil's saliva. His saliva is my little lips. So gross. My luscious lips. God.

What is the term for this reaction? It is... Smacalipophobia. Misophobia. Is it misophonia? Misophonia. Misophonia. Hatred of sounds.

Yeah. It's not logical. It's like a pure like like fucking wolf reaction um right but like i've managed to be fine with it in very particular circumstances where i'm like well that's the way it has to be and i think it's i think it's like i was thinking about this and maybe harriet you can use this in your life to explain to people why it affects you so I think it's the same as when you see someone picking their nose it's got nothing to do with you

and it doesn't actually affect you but you don't want to have it in your mind space because it's like intimate and a part of their body you are otherwise so like classical liberal live and let live live without when like people are

free to behave but you also you can't stand it when people do something like that it's like it's like a manners thing or like a grown-up thing or something it's like i associate it so much with being like a bad child or something it's part of that as well it's all bound up in there sure but in the same way that like as much as you know do whatever you want the other day i was walking down um uh chambers street i think in edinburgh and a guy walked past me and he was up to his knuckle uh in his nose in his nose he was picking that bum hole uh and he was like properly he was he was what i believe is locally referred to as a jakey. A jakey?

Yeah, he looked like a bit of a scumbag, this guy. Oh, okay. He wouldn't get into any, I would say even a chippy would be like, I don't know if we should let this guy in the chippy. He looked like a dodgy character, but he was fucking digging around in that snot hole like you would not believe, my word.

Maybe he misplaced something. Yeah, he did. He must have. He's going to misplace the lower part of his brain if he digs any deeper. Maybe he's trying to self-mummify. Yes, very popular these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cheaper.

You get to do it the way you want. But thank you, Harriet, for finally being on my team. You're silly, Harriet. You're silly. Grow up. Grow up. We're all silly, Harriet. You're silly. Grow up. Grow up. We're all animals, Harriet. Unbelievable.

It's like the audio equivalent of smelling a person's fart. No, it isn't. It is. You don't know. You're there, slippy slapping away like a big pair of lips.

No, not a car in the world. Okay, Brendan gets in touch. Brendan, our new friend. No, I've done this before in touch um brendan our new friend and i've no i've done this before is it i've done brendan our new friend and that's pretty good um brendan here with us at the end and yes at the end of the fringe and dear phil and pierre i was thoroughly delighted to hear you read my correspondence about the filipino man announcing that coconuts are funny. God, I forgot that. It's so funny. Coconuts are funny. As I've shared an okay thank you story,

I'd now like to share a defecation story. Brilliant. If you'd be so kind to read. We hope you eventually complete the trinity. We be so kind, Brendan. We be. We be. This story took place during my university days.

I was about 20 and had met a rather lovely French lady in a club. Wow. We'd exchanged details and decided to meet for a date a couple of days later. The date went very well. Ooh la la! Bonjour. And she invited me back to

her dorm room. Bon ami! Bon ami. Bon ami. Bon ami. For a romantic encounter. En route, I felt a discomfort in my stomach slash bowel and needed to relieve myself before the intimacy took place. Upon arrival at her residence, she opted for the bathroom first. At first, I thought...

Sorry, she opted for the bathroom first. I first I thought sorry she opted for the bathroom first. I thought perfect. When she comes out she'll get into bed and then I can go to the bathroom do what I need to do. And then join her in the sheets without her discovering my shame. All was going to plan.

She came out and went into the bedroom I believe by implication here. All was going to I have to assume. Or was going to plan. I did my plops, washed my hands, and closed the bathroom door. But tactically left the extractor fan on. Good. Great game.

So far, yep. So far, not as a first rodeo. So far, not a swing out of place here. Left the extractor fan on. When I went to get into bed with the aforementioned French lady, she said she wanted to brush her teeth first. She opened the bathroom door to my horror,

smelt what I had dealt, and said to me, you do a stink? I shamefully replied, yes. They're just classier over there. Excuse replied, yes. They're just classier over there. Oh, excuse me, monsieur. Are you twisting? You twisting?

That's the worst thing you've done. Dans ma bar? Oh. Mon bar? Bar? Bar. Bar, bathroom? Isn't it B-A-I-N-S?

You're asking the wrong guy. Don't know, mate. I explained this story to my friends and now if the occasion ever arises when someone needs to defecate they will announce it with i'm going to do a stink keep on checking it brendan that is very good brendan well i mean reading between the lines that um it didn't derail the date i mean he's not he's not said that he didn't say that she stormed away. What a gallic shrug, and on with

the job, I guess. Oh, my word. Also, brush your teeth after. Brushing before opens up blood vessels to infection. And brushing after cleans your old muth. Smart words there from a clearly oversexed man. From the king of oral.

Put that on my gravestone, please. Put that on your fringe poster. That'll sell out the room. From the Guardian, we have a new king of oral. Whisper it quietly. Have you seen that? They've started doing articles

with the titles, Whisper It. Have you seen it? Yeah. It goes, Whisper It, colon, there's a new king of oral. Oh, gross.

Yeah, it's so disgusting. The Telegraph does it as well now. So the title will be like, Whisper it, Remainers have finally given up. Oh, boy. Or something like that in the Telegraph. Yeah. Because they're obsessed.

But do whisper that I am the new King of Aurel. He's the new King of Aurel. Did you hear that, Phil? He's the new King of Aurel. So please be quiet. This is a library. Sorry. And we all know that already. Yes, I do Sir, please be quiet. This is a library. Sorry. And we all know that already.

We're well read. This is a library. There are posters everywhere for him. For him. It's the new K of O. The new what? King of Oral. Slightly shorter pod this week. I think that's what we have time for. We both genuinely now have to go do our final shows. Our final shows for the rest of time

until our next ones, which are quite soon. I've taken before my show to walking around singing When This Lousy War Is Over from Oh What A Lovely War. Okay. In a sort of mournful way. While I put on my damp, damp shirt that's still full of yesterday's sweat. Cold on the flesh.

Stinky in the nose. God, I guessed it on an improv show this month with pissy pants and that's what's worse. Your pissy pants and my sweaty shirt. What a double act. What a double act.

Pee pants and sweats sweaty shirt. Yeah. What a double act. What a double act. Pee pants and sweatshirt. Next year. Next year. Pee pants and sweatshirt. Which one's the silly one? I think pee pants would be the silly one. Pee pants is the silly, excitable one. Yeah.

And sweatshirt has to do all the work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it's just pouring sweat all the time. That's why he's sweating. He's always like having to... Deal with pee pants as shenanigans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean up after his mess. That's good. All right. He's always like having to... Deal with pee pants as shenanigans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clean up after his mess.

That's good. All right, let's do that next year. Pleasance Grand. 11 a.m. Pee pants and sweatshirt. Ideal. Okay, thank you very much for listening. I hope you enjoyed episode 27.

Bye-bye from the fringe. Bye. Bye.