BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 271 - Cocaine Fraud

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

This week the discuss their weekend travels to a remote Scottish wedding, Phil's battle with a £3 parking ticket and their continued effort to de-colonize the pod, along with correspondents and tat attack of course!Go see Pierre at the Bloomsbury this weekend! https://www.ucl.ac.uk/event-ticketing/app/?ev=24039Pre-order Pierre's book! https://geni.us/pierrenovelliebook Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Layne Kaplan-Levinson. And this is a Field Guide to Gay Animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world. The animal kingdom is queer and we are a part. Find a Field Guide to Gay Animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

When you are listening to this, you have between four and zero days left to see my new show that I'm going to tour in autumn. If you live in London, this is your last chance to come to the Bloomsbury Theatre and see the show on the 22nd of June. Saturday, the 22nd of June. It is the last chance in London or even really near London. So if you haven't seen it yet, if you missed out the Soho Theatre, the sold out run earlier this year, between four and zero days left to catch it. And I'd love to see you there. Okay, thank you. It's episode 271.

271. Tech heaven fun. Tech heaven fun. We're surrounded by tech. Yeah, we are. That's a good point. We are. We're currently lounging beneath an artificial sun. We are. Like futuristic men. Tiberian sun. Do you remember the game Tiberian Sun? Yeah. The Command and Conquer game.

Really vague as to what Tiberian was. Yeah. Why you needed little tractors to eat it. Yeah. Tiberium wasn't it? Tiberium. Mineral. You spent a lot of special tractors to build.

Quite a bad game actually. It wasn't fun. It wasn't like red alert. It wasn't as fun as red alert. No. Well, they got a bit whimsical with the factions. Red alert. It was still like Russia, America, you know, where as Tiberian sun was like the grunkalunks, you know, the inevitable dislocation from, from emotions that sci-fi sometimes has. I have no connection to any of these people, I don't care. I know he's supposed to be evil because he's got a goatee and he's the only foreign voice actor.

So he's the bad man. And his face is red. He's all red and he keeps going, oh, comrade, oh, and sort of sounding vaguely not Western. But beyond that, I have no interest in... Yeah. So the professionalization of Bud Pod continues apace. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If this was a game like Command and Conquer or Age of Empires, Felipe would be on his hands and knees hitting the floor with a hammer. Yes.

While podcast equipment sort of constructs itself around us. Yeah. Setting up the camera. That's him just setting up a tripod. Yeah, by hammering the floor, he's made some lighting appear. Baffling gibberish. But yeah, we are looking at a sort of lit ball, which is to give us natural lighting. We've got some cameras and things.

Yeah, I don't know if any of this footage is actually going out. It's all still dry run stuff. Yeah, we're testing it. But we're getting there. This is like when they started to build Hollywood out in the planes of Los Angeles. That's it. They're just saying, well, the weather's perfect. I heard. Did I tell you this fact? in the plains of Los Angeles. That's it. They're just saying, well, the weather's perfect. So. I heard, did I tell you this fact? But it was a fact that please don't Google this.

Please don't Google this. It was also to get away, literally get physically away from Thomas Edison who held the patents on cameras. Yeah. So they were trying not to pay for the patents on cameras, which Edison had just invented. So literally just physically getting to the other side of the country from it.

Wow. Back in that day, back in those days, those beautiful days, if you wanted to not be bothered by something, you just had to physically get away from it. It genuinely imagine that. Oh, when you're afraid of Thomas Edison. Well, I fled into the desert. I just went to a different town. I went to a different town and he couldn't bother me anymore.

Because he was far away. He would have had to spend half of his life just getting to me to ask for the money. And then because he was not near where he's from, where he has friends, I would have said no. And then all my friends here. All my friends here would have said go away Thomas. Just chased him out of town. Get out of here Edison. You fuck off back East. That's mad, isn't it? To think. Yeah. Or you

would just set up a whole thing like Hollywood and just say, okay, everyone, remember no one write a letter to Thomas Edison about that. We've done this. Just don't. He'll never find out. Tell him even actually to tell him, okay, I just don't tell him exactly where we are. He'll never find out. Tell him, even actually to tell him, don't care. Just don't tell him exactly where we are. Even if he gets the right state, it'll take him a whole lifetime to find where in this enormous state that's bigger than any European country we are. He's going to have to walk around asking people questions like he's in a fucking investigation

game. These days, to get away from the law, you have to live somewhere so shit. You can't go to a nice, you have to live in an embassy for 20 years to escape the law, you have to live somewhere so shit. You can't go to a nice, you have to live in an embassy for 20 years to escape the laws. You have to live in an Ecuadorian cupboard. And even then everyone knows you're there and they're hassling you. You can't just go to another equivalent country and live your days there. Oh, well, I had to flee the law and the government's power of the United Kingdom. So of course I went to Ireland. Or just like, even in the 1700s, they just go to Paris. And they'd be like,

well, I was in loads of trouble in London, so I just went to Paris. An arguably equally good or better town. LL The Eurostar destroyed that, of course. After the Eurostar was built, you couldn't escape the law by going to Paris. That's it. Yeah, you just see a Eurostar filled with Bobbies. Yeah. Now it's like, well, I didn't want to pay my parking fines in Bristol, so I live in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I just have to now.

I've had to. It's the only place. I work for Coney now. I work for Joseph Coney because the only place that I could flee the digital arm of the law is as part of the people's militia of Jesus Christ or whatever it's called. I still have to check on the name for Mr. Coney. Is he still going Coney? Is he still alive? You can't keep Coney down boy. Is he doing club appearances yet? He must be doing nightclub appearances at this point. Surely you can get Coney to do club

nightclub appearance. Or the hot girls at the bar. Is that Joseph Coney? Oh my God. This Saturday at Plymouth Flame, Joseph Coney is doing a one hour set of cheesy 90s classics. It's a mashup of all your favorite cheesy 90s classics and Afrobeat straight from the jungles of the Rwanda Congo border. Well, I guess you'd have to be like late noughties, early teens. He was 2011, 2010? Kony 2012? Of course, Kony 2012.

Who am I talking about? Kony 2012. Coney 2012. Who am I talking about? Coney 2012. So in 2012... Because that weird man got obsessed with him. The Mormon guy? Yeah. He got obsessed with Coney.

Got obsessed with Coney and he started that Coney 2012 viral campaign online. That was, would you say, the first of the viral activism campaigns? It might be. And what's strangest to me about it is that it was a viral online activism campaign, but because it wasn't 2012 in the old world, it was a viral campaign by a white American man to try and convince the US military to go kill a guy in Africa who they haven't not been trying to kill. They just haven't really been focusing on it.

But he got all, it was like, hang on, is this a viral online campaign for military intervention with special forces in like a jungle mission? It was weird, wasn't it? I mean, go for it. He was asking for donations and also trying to get people to do their own sort of activities in the university campus and stuff to like raise money. But it could be something fun. It's basically like Red Nose Day, but to kill an African warlord. The ice bucket challenge, but for like a Tom Clancy novel. If we all raise enough money, we can find Red October and lure this Soviet submarine safely into port. Come on guys, if we all work together, we can get that Soviet submarine to defect. If we all raise enough money to bribe the crew. Just like Lenny Henry with a red nose on his face saying,

this is crazy Frank. Crazy Frank needs three Lee Enfields to take out Coney. And crazy Frank says like currently I only have one Lee Enfield. Yeah. You've got a mucha buena doing a tour around a black ops site in Kenya saying these men don't legally work for the US government, but the Swedish shell company controlled by the Swiss shell company that they work for is funded indirectly by the CIA. Anyway, with your money, they could infiltrate across the border and potentially find this guy who's been hiding in an area the size of Germany and France successfully for decades.

Yeah, what a weird time. In a way more innocent than our time still, even though we're... Because people got caught up in it. I remember people getting caught up in Coney 2012 and like people on my Facebook wall posting on the wall, putting a little Coney, we're gonna fucking kill this guy. We're gonna kill Coney, putting a little Coney filter on their profile picture. I can't wait for them to kill that guy. You know, the guy in the jungle. I can't wait for a sniper's bullet to end his life. Evil skull. It wouldn't get out of the... It would be strangled in the cradle that campaign now.

Yeah. Second, someone tweeted, someone should do something about this Coney fella. People would go, oh yeah, you want the fucking CIA to intervene in central Africa even more, you fucking Vagist. And then the weird Mormon guy was filmed running around naked on the highway. He had some sort of breakdown. Screaming, yeah. Yeah. And that was the end of Coney 2012.

Yeah. Joseph Coney sat back. It wasn't like Coney stopped fucking around. Everyone just went, oh, the guy who started this is a bit weird. Yeah. I guess I don't care anymore. I've seen this dick and balls flapping around near a highway now. So I guess Coney, you get away with it this time.

I saw a Mormon... Coney, you've done it again. You old rascal., old rascal. Old rascal Coney, you made me see a Mormon guy's flaccid dick and balls flapping around. He's a cunning old jungle fox, that guy. I think it's in the art of war. Make your opponent have a breakdown and flap his dick and balls around. Look, war is not a contest of strength.

It is a contest to see who goes mad and flaps their knob and bollocks around by a highway first. That's a sun too. I've read the art of war and the thing I remember most of it, the thing I really like is if you want your enemy to retreat, build a bridge of gold behind him. Yeah, that's nice. And it works very well in everyday life. If you want something to back down, make backing down very attractive.

Yeah, that's smart. Build a bridge of gold behind your enemy. It's so funny to actually go and read something like The Art of War or Machiavelli's The Prince, because some of it is just advice about grain. Yeah. Like it's quite dull. Or wear on a hill to position your archers. I don't see how this is applicable.

And you go right and that's about me not taking as many Ubers. Saving a bit of money, right? The archers are like, uh, when I'm at the pub and I know there's a bus. Is that right? Yeah. So am I the archers? Yeah. I love it when someone with like a Silicon Valley guy with no history training whatsoever tries to use a kind of quite in-depth historical document for modern purposes. It's as mad as like in the medieval times when like you'd get these people who just couldn't read Greek. So they just get like a random Greek bit of philosophy on a parchment to go, it's a spell. It's a magic spell. It makes me smarter

to read it out loud. It makes my wife more fertile or something. And you go, it's actually a chunk of Socrates on some parchment you've bought. That's what these guys are doing. LH Yeah. Psychos definitely do that with the Prince, with Machiavelli. LH Yeah. They're going, this has made me a better Forex trader. Because I have understood how city states sometimes it's more efficient to hire mercenaries. Yeah, I mean, that's consultants. Yeah, that's true. Hey, maybe it will work. What lessons for podcasting can we glean from the art of war?

Build a bridge of gold behind your enemy. How do we build a bridge of gold behind? Who's our enemy? Behind Shag, married, annoyed. How do we build a bridge of gold behind Chris Ramsay? He's got all the gold. That's a difficult thing. He has the gold. First we have to convince him to give us all of his gold.

And so don't worry, we're going to build something you're really going to like with this. Yeah. That bit of advice requires that you have the gold. That's the annoying thing, isn't it? In which case, why do you even bother with your enemies? I've got enough gold to build a bridge for someone else. Sounds like I'm doing fine. Wow. I should just...

Why am I fighting anyone? I should be sitting and chilling, man. Speaking of money, Pierre, you'll enjoy this story. I will, okay. So this last weekend, Pierre and I were at a friend's wedding in Scotland. It was in a quite rural west of Scotland. I got a bit a lot by midges. My legs look like I've got like some sort of disease that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. Dutch fever.

Yeah. It's a color rather than a fever or like... Purple grip. Yeah. I think it's just called the pox or the sign. And yeah, that part of Scotland where it's like, it's a lake, but it's also the sea. All the bodies of water are the sea but they look like lakes. Yes. And on the way back, me and my driving party stopped by Inverary, a really cool town there by the edge of the loch, and went up to park the car. And the car park is right on the shore of the lock and parked the car and

went to the the the parking meter the pay ticket where you get the ticket we pay for the parking and I was adding my time and I got like three hours for three pounds it's like oh that's really cheap actually compared to London prices and then I paid contact us quickly and then press ticket and the ticket came out and it wasn't one of those where it sticks out you have to pull it it took it clips itself oh and the ticket came out it got clipped by the machine and then the gust of wind just picked up the ticket and land and it went over the fence and and onto the seaweedy beach Down over the fence. So like like the equivalent of like a floor down. Yeah, that's right And so then and I'm just going you're kidding and I just look over and the tickets just wedged between two sort of pebbles

on the beach down there and There's a rickety ladder. But it's not like a beach where people are hanging out. No, no, no. This is a beach where like you would flee. Yeah. It's pebbles, a smuggler's beach. Seaweed, like beached boats.

Those random bits of like nautical rope. Yes, exactly. And there's no one else there. There's no sign saying I can't go there, but there's no sign saying I should. Yeah. And the ladder looks like it's made of rust, right? Exactly. Yeah. And I'm with my friend who I'm driving and I say, oh, should I, should I get that? And there's no clear way to get down from this rickety, it's having the rickety ladder. And she's like, let's be clear. It's three pounds. It's three pounds.

And I just said, gosh, it's so cheap. It's three pounds. It's three pounds. And I just said, gosh, it's so cheap. It's almost like it's almost free. Three pounds. And you've just said it. And I've just said it. And I'm like, maybe I'll just buy another two. And then I think that does double the price of the parking.

This is like a situation designed for you by an AI. This is so perfect. And I'm like, maybe I can, or the ladder doesn't look, am I supposed to go down there? And I'm looking around the sort of down the line of the fence and the seawall. Yeah. And I see all down the end, there's sort of tapers

and there's looks like a slope. Look, I'm just gonna run along here. I'm gonna go even further away. Go even further away. To go down one of those kind of like a slope. Look, I'm just gonna run along here. I'm gonna go even further away. You go even further away. To go down one of those kind of like concrete slope. Steps, concrete step things. And go, but then, and I get there and I go, look, I'll just go. Then if it looks like I can get across and I'm like, and it takes like two minutes. This is amazing.

To the end of the seawall. And then like, oh yeah, there are these concrete steps down, but they look like maintenance steps, like to get into the sewer. I'm like, well, I'm here now. And it was, it would double the price of the parking if I paid again. So I got onto that. So I go down the concrete steps and then I'm on these pebbles, wet pebbles and seaweed. And it's making your shoes dirty, wet and dirty. And it smells, it smells so much like seaweed and fish. And like, ah, it is still there. And at this point, I don't know. I, this one, I'm so far away from the ticket. I don't know if the wind's just blown it into the sea. Oh yeah.

Yeah. It's because it is just laying on some pebbles. Yeah. Sebastian, the crabs, not going to fucking hand you the ticket. And I'm like, ah, look, no, no, no. I've already paid for it. I've already paid for it. It's the principle of it. And I ran, I ran, I like down this, down this seafront. I wouldn't even call it a beach. Because it's pebbles and seaweed. So much like mattered seaweed. And I went, it smells of dead fish. And then when I do step on I find it, yes, here it is. I got it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it.

And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And then I run along the beach. I'm the only person on this level. And I find it like, yes, here it is.

I got it. And then I'm like, you know what? I'm so elated that I made this three pound saving. Yeah. I'm going to climb. I'm going to try my luck with the ladder. Oh, right. Cause you're there now.

I'm there now. And I get the ladder and I clunk, clunk, clunk. And as I come up the ladder, the guy looks at me and he goes, I would have just given you the three pounds, man. And I said to him, it's about the principle. And I get up and I climb over the fence. So is he like a parking attendant? No, he's just another guy parking there.

He's just having a cigarette break. Even he's just like... He's like, I would have just given you three pounds. I would have taken pity on you, stinky fish man. I would have taken pity on you, stinky fish man. Then I got in and I felt amazing. And then I said to my friend who had driven there, wanting to do some reassurance, I said, do you think I'm very cheap? And she just said, yeah.

You've got like a fucking clam shell on your head and like seaweed on your shoulders. You stink. Because I... Am I cheap? Yeah. For context, the car I'd driven there, I'd spent... I think the bill came up to like four or five hundred pounds because it's a really nice car.

Yeah. Yeah. They lumped me with a bill afterwards. It's like, well, I don't think I agreed to all this, but I was still like, I paid three pounds for the parking ticket. I'm not going to... I'm not going to... I can see it. I could see it down there. I could see it. I wasn't going to pay another three pounds.

When you can still see the ticket, competently flapping in the light breeze. Yeah, yeah. But I felt amazing and then went to lunch and I had to wash all the sea off my hands. Yeah, also surely your feet, the shoes smelled. Yeah. Also surely your feet, the shoes smelled. Yeah. That story is like, it's the perfect level of escalation at each step for you, especially for you personally

to keep going. It was some cost fantasy the whole way. Some cost of the three pounds, some cost of having gone down the sea, some cost of being on the beach, some cost of my shoes already wet now. L. If I didn't know you and I watched like a short film where that happened all in a row, I'd be like, well, no one does this. Like it's exactly... It's that slightly sort of farcical Mr. Bean level escalation of like, well, now he has to get on the window ledge. Now he has to skid along the window ledge to try and get it from the bird's beak and the nest, you know? Like Mr. Magoo fucking each step makes the previous step make a bit more sense.

Like, yeah. But you know what's so wonderful about it? And why I so like elated after I did that, after I'd run like a mile to get down on pebbles on a pebbly smelly beach to pick up my £3 parking. Yeah, take it to the seat. I felt so good because I was just like, this is who I am. This is me. I'm the £3 parking ticket guy. I'm the £3 parking ticket guy. And I've committed to it now. And this is who I am. Okay. And I'm and in the words of Walter White, I'm good at it.

He was never about the money. I'm good at it. It was never about the money. I was good at it. Yeah. It's always about the money. Tiny amounts of money. Tiny, tiny amounts. Pennies with a P. Pennies, Jesse, with a P. Billions with a B. Billions with a B. Billions with a B. That's you. Pennies with a B. Okay, now thought experiment. All of that happens, right? The ticket comes out, the gust of wind blows it away. But it was £2. £2. I'm not going to insult you by saying £2.50, because I think you'd still do it if it was 250. I'd do it for 250, easy to do for 250. Don't even insult me if I was going to do 250.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't dare. Two pounds. Two pounds. If I felt comfortable about the ladder, I probably would have run all the way around for two pounds, but I would have given the ladder a shot. Okay. And then there was like, if the ladder is too wobbly, I'll leave it pounds but I would have given the ladder a shot. Okay. And then going and then there was like if the ladder's too wobbly I'll leave it.

But it would be painful and would weigh on me all day. No, I know that. Yeah. I know you'd be driving checking your rear view mirror to see if the ticket was like blowing away behind you. One pound fifty. Yeah, then I would just buy another. Really? Yeah. So that's the... Yeah, but I'd still be really unhappy. Oh no, I know. Yeah, but I have to tell myself I'm paying myself, I'm paying 150 to not have to do that. I have to say that I'm paying 150 to not have to go on the beach. A guy's put a gun to the back of your head and he said, give me 150. I'm going to make you a splash up and down the horrible beach.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I have to think of that. But three is the first of the, for me, three is the first of the proper amounts. Three is the first proper number of something. You know, I cannot imagine your grief. If you know where I thought the story was going. Yeah. I thought that you'd gone like, Oh, three hours for three pounds. That's great. And then realized you only needed to buy the two hours one. Right. Because I know that would have bugged the fuck out of you. Yeah, that would have. Would you ever just like use the parking more, spend more time in the area? Yeah, definitely. I mean, we got that... To really get your money's worth out of the parking lot.

Yeah, we got that just in time. Fuck me. For parking, because we finished doing the... We went to do the new escape room in Inverary Jail, which is fantastic. Highly recommended if you're in the Inverary area. And at the end... Lyle Inverary area. Luke Inverary area. And they were Taskmaster fans, so they offered for us to have a look around and I thought, ah, we don't really have time. We do need to catch. And then I

saw that we had 15 more minutes of the parking left. I was like, yeah, we can have about 10 minutes. We probably looked around for 10 minutes and then walk over and then walking over will be five minutes and we should get a just a quarter past when the parking is. It's such a fascinating. I just get from my dad. I get from dad. But one thing to remember so clearly my dad saying was, eight ringgit is a lot of money. And eight ringgit is about one pound twenty. Really? Yeah, now. But I just remember the idea that even a small amount of money is actually a lot of money.

Okay, and I've internalized that from before life. More than it's tattooed on your heart. Yeah. That's bad. I think my dad has admitted that he himself is penny wise and pound foolish. Right. So like yourself with a three pound parking ticket, you're willing to go on a fucking seaweed quest. Yeah.

But you're not going to rent a cheap car. No. I also flew business. I flew business from London to Glasgow. No, you didn't. I did. But only because... I'm not going to buy a case for my gold bar. I'll carry it in this old sack.

What? But it was because when you looked at it, because it's a short flight, the regular ticket, which is less than that amount, doesn't have luggage. Whereas I need luggage. And once you paid for luggage, it's only about 20, 50, 300 pounds more. I felt like it was in the tens of pounds. You need business class for like 40 minutes. You should have seen how quickly I was wolfing down all of his lunches. I was

like another, give me another. I have a quick five minutes sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Okay. Wake up quick. More another free. G&T in a can. Quick microwave another foil covered lunch. Quick, quick, quick. Fucking hell, man. Yeah, that's my life. That's perfect. That's my life. Take care of the pennies and the pounds that come through themselves.

Also take care of the pounds because of inflation. Of inflation now. Pounds and pennies really. Yeah. Sort of on brand for me on the way here, sat opposite a lady who was some kind of like security or maintenance staff for a London university, judging by her polo shirt. Yeah.

Middle-aged lady, nice earrings on, looked very responsible. Looked like she could have a whole family that she's responsible for. Looked like she could organize a complex event. Sat opposite me on the train, full volume Duolingo. Unbelievable. Took me a while to recognize the noise. Baka-bang! Baka-blang!

Baka-blang! It's like, is she fucking gambling on the train? Like, are she fucking slots? Am I opposite an addict? That's what I thought. And then I heard it say, Sophie! Sophie! And I was like, what? And then she like, like, and I had like, come from the phone. And then she held up to

her mouth and went, she was doing the speaking exercises. Crazy. I'm like transport. It's just fucking Duolingo. And then I was like, and then now like, I can't not listen now because it's right opposite me and it's full volume. And I'm sitting there going, well, what language is it? And it was German. Yeah. And she was just going like, Sophie Katze, gut, wo ist Katze? Sophie Katze.

I was like, I'm going to fucking kill it. I'm going to kill you in front of everyone with my thumbs. How is that lady not committed? How is she not in a mental asylum to think that is okay? I would put her age, minimum 45, 50, but not old either. Like the prime of responsibility. Not second childhood old. Yeah, yeah.

But it is usually that age of people who have Duolingo out loud. Young people have music out loud. Middle-aged people have Duolingo out loud. Yeah, or like Farmville. And then old people have family videos out loud. Or the most mad, like confused phone calls between each other. Just like a very old person answering a phone call from another very old person going, Helen? Oh God. Helen? And then another voice going like, Susan, are you on the train? All that. It's like the chimps discovering the obelisk in space Odyssey.

You just think you could have texted, hi Helen, I'm on the train. And then it's like, I can't hear you. Can you hear me? I think we're in a tunnel. Like just time to die. Enough now time to die. I just have to take my belt off and then I'm in the seat directly behind and I'm just Jason Bourne fucking killing them. She just says, thank you. Helen, I'm being murdered. I'll talk to you when I'm dead. Just pulling off her fucking head and throwing it out the window. The Duolingo thing, the Duolingo one is a particularly common crime. The Duolingo out loud. I guess it's because you have to have it out loud for some of the exercises, but the presumption always is you do it in private.

You can skip it. You can say to the owl, look man, not now. Not here. Not here owl. Look owl, not here. Not here. Not here. Look owl, not here. Not here. Look, whatever you want. Just not here. Just not here. Look, look. Look, look. Look, look. Shame what? Okay. I'm doing it. Shame what? In my house. In my house. Yeah. Happy? Yeah. Good. Yeah. The fucking owl man. Zoffy. Katsa. What are you doing? If you're designing that app, you have some awareness that people are using your app on the go in public. Why are you making your achievement sound the most regular, occurring, loudest, and most annoying sound possible?

For every single answer. Oh my God. Maybe you make it sound like a text notification. Everyone thinks they've got a text. It's like if you're playing chess on your phone on the train, every piece you move, you just fire a revolver into the air. Just... ...porned to E4.

Pfft! So he's made a move. He's done another chess move. Good that I know that on the other end of this fucking carriage. Kirsten, someone needs to come and say, by the way, everyone, we're going to make out loud phone noises on public transport illegal. That's illegal. And if someone's doing it, you are empowered by the state to kill them with your hands or to beat them up or to get thrown off the train.

Instant complete labor plus 70. Yeah. Plus 70. They have the entire House of Commons. They don't even have an opposition. It looks like the fucking North Korean Parliament. It's just a complete clean sweep. The opposition is the janitor.

Well, you know how the speaker is technically not in any party. Yeah. He has to be the opposition. Let's hold everyone. Yeah, the whole government to count. Just him. Lindsay Hoyle has to just sit in that chair and go, I'm sure if there was anyone else here, they disagree.

And then they just pass whatever they want. Yeah. Insane. Insane to hear that. I was just sitting on the train going, this is astonishing. It sounds like the policy. So why are you learning German? What is this for?

Where are you going? Where are you planning? What's your for? Where are you going? Are you planning? What's your plan? Where are you going to run from? You're not moving to Germany. What do you think is going to happen? What do you think is going to happen when you're going to move to Germany and then say, Sophie hat ein Katze. And where they're going to go? Well, here's your passport. Welcome. I did I did try and I learned the German dueling off for a bit for a trip to Berlin

That was completely pointless because they were just working with to me The Berlin version of Duolingo where it's like the owls and like bondage gear The house the house dress for like raving and stuff. Yeah, can't do Bergheim It's to ambition Molly stress for like raving and stuff. Yeah, Ken's do Bergheim. It's do I'm BC and Molly. correctly identifying all the different drugs slang terms. What's the German for we regret it? Yeah, I feel that in all the German Berlin phrases. But these people I do I envy them in a way I wish I was so

sure of myself. So I, I, with my, my, my impact on the world. I sort of don't understand them in the same way. I wouldn't understand it if there was a significant subset of society that just commuted to work nude. They're just on the tube. They're completely naked. Revealing themselves. They're just sat there naked. They're still on their phone. They've got their bag and like maybe a coat on the lap, but they're just nude. And they're just like, well, what I just, I don't, I don't feel like wearing clothes. I don't mind. And you're just sitting there going, really? Just nude, just bare assing it on these chairs. And they're like, yeah, why you can't? All right. Okay. Okay,

man. I wouldn't mind if you were, if you were nude. Yeah, sure. I bet you wouldn't. I know. Yeah, I bet you wouldn't. That's not really the point. What about everyone else who doesn't like it that you're nude? Well, it's none of their business.

Oh, do they really? They don't like it? Then they're genuinely surprised. They're bothered by it. As they're turning their dicks flapping in someone's face because they're standing up on the tube, someone sat down. Really?

Is anyone here not like this? Flap, flap. But this is a British problem. This playing things out loud on a train in Europe, a member of staff will come over and tell you to stop it, to turn it off. Really? In France. Yeah.

There's someone on the, doing something on a phone on, I was on a train in France and this lady conducted came up and said, can you turn that off please? And just kept walking. The best! I kept going everywhere, quietly. Yeah. Out of respect for my fellow passengers. You didn't even move.

It just happened. God, even just hearing that story was like sinking into a hot bath. It was lovely! Oh man. We have too much freedom sometimes, I think. What? Have all the freedom, but just have some shame. Oh man. We have too much freedom sometimes I think. Have all the freedom, but just have some shame. Some shame, a little side of shame, a side order of shame.

A garnish of shame at least. People who want to have loud conversations on the tube scare me. Yeah. Cause it's like, well, everyone's listening. Well, things are going to get loud up here because the heroes have. Baby. Yeah, that's right. Time to mark off. Have you done what I recommended of marking off all England games on your calendar? So you don't accidentally do a gig that night. Fuck. Yeah, I need to do genuinely. Yeah, I need to do that. Of course, you can only do that for the group stages. And then, although does it,

I guess it has the table there is you can look up the table of when... LLOYD It's likely. GIGI Hypothetically, there would be the knockoff games. LLOYD It does just destroy live comedy. GIGI Yes. LLOYD It really does. Outside of like... The thing I've learned through doing comedy is that even a lot of comedies, moistest nerds...

GIGI As in like wet floppy. Wet floppy alternative, cool hipster-y, nerdy, like D&D. Still bloody love watching the bloody football, mate. Loads of them. More than not. Yeah. And I always, it's like such a betrayal to me. Are they into football all the time or just like the big Tornys?

They just do it secretly. They just hide it till they're in a cab or something. I don't know. Yeah. But they actually do, they're still into it. There's no avoiding it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

But like you say, I was at the bar in the airport last night waiting for the flight and to my girlfriend's chagrin, I asked if we could sit at a table that was in view of the TV. It was fucking I don't know Belgium Slovakia or something. I was like I can't have the noise of football happening and I can't see it and I want to be able to just from time to time just hang my mouth open. Cow brain. Just like a cow. Full cow brain. Just man moving. And if you look fast, running.

Green. Green with dots. I said haven't I that I don't think football would be as popular if grass wasn't green. If it wasn't, if it was running along a lot of green. I don't think it'd be as popular. We like green. We like, as humans, we like to look at green. If they were playing on like red clay. Oh God. I honestly don't think it would be as popular. I think you're right. Which is mud. You sometimes watch those old foot like black and white football and they are literally playing on mud a lot of the time. You're like, I don't want to watch this. And they're all wearing like t-shirts they brought from home.

Yeah. Do you make this t-shirt yourself? And they're smoking and go. Yeah. They're all got like curly hair. These old white guys with curly hair and big baggy, like they're wearing pajamas. They're wearing shorts that are like, of a girth I thought near possible. Little tight shorts. Like, first of all, the waist of the shorts is above their belly button. And the legs of the shorts puff out. And you're like, are the shorts the goal? Am I going to have to get the ball in the shorts is above their belly button. Yeah. And the legs of the shorts puff out. And you're like, are the shorts the goal? Am I going to have to get the ball in the shorts? I think that would be easier than getting in the goal. I think you could have increased the speed of your wingers by 10 seconds per 100 meters

if you just didn't wear such massive sail-like pants. Huge shorts. The weight you're leaving. I've looked at those shorts with great envy. Yeah, they might finally fit your great billowing thighs. It would be funny if the only sport you could actually play properly was 1930s football. Yeah, there's this very heavy man in massive shorts and they're like, he's perfect for the game.

Why isn't there, there should be, you know how there are, was it battle reproductions, reenactments? Yeah. Wasn't it battle reproduction, reenactments? Yeah. Wasn't there like classic football reenactments? Don't suggest that. They'll hear, Phil, no, they'll hear you. You have to play with the leather brown ball. The heaviest, wettest ball in history, where it was like dangerous to header it.

Yeah. Fuck. Reenactment, football reenactments. It's going to happen. They're going to do it with the World Cup 66. Yes. Yes. I'm okay. Reform. If reform is listening, if the reform party is listening, here's an idea for you. Classic football match reenactments. Reenactments of the great British victories of the past. A guy wearing a fucking, guys wearing wigs all selected for lookalike status of all the 1966

World Cup team or even more so the failures you know this this theory about the British and particularly the English noble failures they love it they're into the failures more than they are massively the movie Zulu Dunkirk so it'd be yeah a hand a maradona hand of god reenactment yeah yeah yeah yeah Can you imagine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were getting ready for it. There's barbecues and stuff and it's just what they just set up one goal and a guy who looks a bit Argentinian maybe with this curly hair and they go, it's time.

And someone loves it and he just fists it. Yeah. People watch it go in and they scream. They're angry. They reenact their anger. Yeah. Like kicking over barbecues. They love it. They love it so much.

It's not fair. It's not fair. Life isn't fair. They eat a burger and they drink a Carling. Life isn't fair. We are God's country but God hates us all. And it's the most popular holiday of the year. Genuinely, they'd be like 1pm showing, 3pm showing, 5pm showing. Sold out, sold out, sold out, sold out. The whole West End.

It would just be a kind of slightly fat guy who looks a bit like Maradona with a curly hair wig from Smithies. On the biggest screen in Piccadilly Circus. What would the Smithies description of a Maradona outfit be? Latin cheat. Yeah, Latin cheat. Cocaine fraud. Cocaine sportsman. Wouldn't narrow it down. It comes with like props, like you've got the black curly wig, a big like rubber hand,

some like prop cocaine, and like a big map of the Falklands labeled Malvinas. That would be like the prop bag for that Halloween costume. Oh, fucking hell. How long have we done Felipe? Oh, shit. It's time for some correspondence. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Nature. I've got a gay rooster named Francois. Is so gay. These rams are gay. I'm studying gay animals. Does that mean I'm gay? So why don't more people know this? I'm Owen Ever. I'm Lane Kaplan-Levinson and and this is a Field Guide to Gay Animals. A podcast about queerness in the natural world.

The animal kingdom is queer, and we are a part. Find a Field Guide to Gay Animals on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. Acast.com. Your sister will never forget you. Best of luck in the world. Correspondence. So, we have heard from Sarah. Sarah, I can bear her. Ah, I can bear her.

Hi Peter and Philippe. Hello. I was just listening to you both unpacking the bold advertising claims of wizards and doctors. Oh yes! When I happened to stumble onto this post on Instagram, which seemed to almost fit the bill, apparently this is in Annandale in Sydney. Annandale is like a neighborhood in Sydney. Must be. Worth the trip if you need the service, you'd best keep on jacking at Sarah.

So this is like in reference to worth the trip if you need the service, you'd best keep on jacking at Sarah. So this is like in reference to advert we've been sent in from like India about vaguely effective men who can get rid of all kinds of problems. Problems with your wife, problems with money, problems with your mother, problems with health. Going to court. Yeah, legal problems. Love spell. Find money spell.

Ghost spell. It's all very... They cover everything. So this is somewhere in Sydney. It's sort of quite old school actually. You know, in the old days where you'd have the shop front, but then above the shop front on the sort of house bit where the person who runs the shop lives would be a big painted advert. Yes. And you still see the ghosts of those around London. Yes, yes, yes. Bavriel or whatever.

Yeah, some of them are protected now. You can't paint over them. Yeah. Yeah. So this one has got a, it's like a massive extra sign on the house bit above the actual shop. The actual shop is called Chinese Medicine Center. Oh, great. Yeah. Yep. Scams. Scam shop. Shop of exotic lies.

Just like animals you could never thought have been powdered. How'd you powder this? I think it's a pretty wet animal. How did octopus? How long did that take? Fuck. I was gonna say powdered water. So the shop is Chinese medicine center and the big avid above it is again, Chinese medicine center phone number.

Oh, great. Yes. And then the slogan is. Yep. And this is, I think this is quite Chinese in the sense that I think it's blunt and confident. And it's, it's, it's got that aspect to it of like you, you taught me a good Chinese restaurant. The staff will be fairly surly by Western standards. Oh yeah. And if you order the wrong thing, they'll say you won't like them. Yeah. Don't have that. Or too much. they'll say stop it. They'll say too much, stop that.

And you're like this place, this is gonna be good. It's got some of that tone to it. Yeah. Okay, so it says Chinese medicine center. Don't tell me what's wrong with you. Okay, that's just the start. That's my Chinese. Don't tell me what's wrong with you.

Because I will find out and tell you. Great. That is the kind of thing someone would say before hurling you through a bar. Yeah. It's an incredible thing for a, should we say medical professional to say, don't tell me what's wrong with you,

because I will find out and tell you. I have a very special set of skills. It's like taken. But the level of confidence to be like a normal doctor wouldn't want to take that bet. No, no, they'll take it on board. What you've said. Because often, even if you go to a... They'll ask you literally what's going on. You go to a GP and they'll say, well, obviously you have to tell me why you're even in this room.

This guy's going, I don't even want that. And I'm not even a real doctor. Yeah. Yeah. He's out here saying no spoilers. He's saying no spoilers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he'll... Hey, Chinese doctor. I've been having some trouble with... Don't ruin the fun.

Shut your fucking mouth. I don't want to hear what you think is wrong with you. I am going to do a bunch of stuff and I'll tell you And I hope you're ready for some powder There's some powder on its way to you Yeah, how good is that don't tell me what's wrong with you because I'll find out and tell you Shit fucking hell. Okay. I'll go into there. Excuse me. I'll tell you what your problem is. I'll tell you what your problem is. You believe in this shit.

You're here to get some powdered. Cucumber would be the hardest thing to powder. That would be very hard to powder. Can you dry? I've never seen dried cucumber for sale. I think it just disappears. Yeah. It's like trying to dry out a puddle. It's gone. There's no puddle there now. And a little bit of tat. What is up shit killers? Oh, shit killers. She's sorry. Hello doctor. Wait, that's a different person. Okay. That's the Chinese medicine doctor. What's up shit killers? Fuck. How did you know? What? No, I'm just gonna shut the fuck up. Diarrhea, right? Yeah, that's right. How nervous would you be that guy could tell that by just looking at you? Shit killers. He also has such a weird name for diarrhea.

Yeah. Oh, you're shit. You're killing your shit. Yeah. I guess so. I guess so. What's up, shit killers? And hello, Felipe. That's the first hello to Felipe. It is. It is. Buenos dias, buele Felipe. I was surprised to feel a medium to low level of grief at your announcement of Pooh stories the other day. That's funny. It's hyphenated medium low. Medium low grief. Medium low grief. Okay. We can deal with that. That's funny. It's hyphenated medium low. Medium low grief. Medium low grief. Okay. We can deal with that. Like a stove. It's not like...

Decolonizing is not always a painless process. No, it's important. No, no. It felt like a dear friend moving abroad. Praise redacted our parasocial relationship. Kept very entertaining company during the hazy afternoons of last year of my life when I was living in Japan away from my normal life in the UK. Ah, lovely. A favorite country of the podcast, of course, Japan. Yes.

Yes. Grocery shops in Japan were amusing. The daily section, but it's spelled... It must be the dairy section, but it's spelled with an L. Daily. Daily. Section was filled with milk, butter and yogurt was in some ways perfectly signed. Oh, but it was literally written daily. Yeah. Oh yeah. Cause he's like, well, I have those every day.

Yeah. Perfect. That's great. Here is a sign for you. And more specifically the tent whisperer in the corner of one grocery shop was a smoking booth. Wow. Yes. The smoking rules in Japan are so weird. You can't smoke on the street. We can smoke in bars and restaurants. I'm just doing my daily... I'm just doing my big shop. I'm going to just hide in this like pod and like absolutely smash a cigarette. Yeah. I'm going to have a cig between household cleaning and frozen. Yeah. I don't want to get frozen and then have a cigarette. No. Then clean my mouth exactly. Yeah. Through the window of my cigarette booth, I'm watching my fucking hash browns

defrost on the floor in a bag. So it says smoking booth in the corner, very common in Japan since smoking on the street is not allowed, okay? On the wall of this smoking booth was a sign that you wouldn't get on the BBC. Oh! You wouldn't see this on the BBC?

Lots of love for people doing well in Koji from Kai. So the sign on the BBC. Oh, we'll see this on the BBC. Lots of love for you both doing well in Koji from Kai. So the sign on the official smoking booth in the supermarket, it's a little clip art of a cigarette. Okay. And then it's like a kind of funny little phrase. Okay. And then underneath in like the blandest Ariel sans serif font is a little second phrase.

Okay. I don't think you're gonna guess the top phrase. Does it make sense? Kind of. It's so hard to say what is intended by it. So beneath a little clip out of the cigarette, you'll never get this. It says, shimokita, the tobacco. Okay. But as in like shimokita, shimokita, the tobacco. Okay. Shmokita. It says Shimokita the tobacco. Okay. But is it like Shimokita? Shimokita the tobacco. Okay. It's like an Austin Powers reference or something. What the fuck is that? Well, Shimokita the tobacco in Tokyo. There's a neighborhood that I usually stay in called Shimokitazawa. I don't know if it's maybe this is shopping Shimokitazawa. But is it like a pun because it sounds like smoke? Yeah, I guess so. Smoke tobacco. Yeah. Shimokita zala. But is it like a pun? Because it sounds like shmoke? Yeah, I guess so. Shmoke the tobacco? Yeah. Shmokita the tobacco. Shmokita the tobacco. And then underneath it like

Ariel sans Serif. It just says blanking blanking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. Smoking cigarettes is easy. I've done it a hundred times. It's a fun joke. Oh, quitting smoking. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. Yeah. Look at that. Shmokita the tobacco. Oh, that's a fun joke. Oh, quitting smoking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got it. Yeah. Look at that. Shimokita the tobacco. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. But like, it's so funny that the supermarket is like, well, obviously we'll make it fun. Yeah.

Well, we won't discourage you. We'll make it fun to smoke. I wrote a description of like, chinglish and jinglish, which is, you know, these, these weird English translations. Yeah. And the, the, the reason they never make sense is it's never, that's not really the point, the choice of English is just a stylistic thing. It's just, uh, it kind of classes up to something to speak of abroad.

Yeah. Just to have English words in it. Just kind of like here, sometimes make something fancy or throw a French word in for no good reason. Yes, exactly. And so they'll just throw an English word in, or both English phrasing, but it doesn't need to really make sense. There's no reason for like...

It's garnish. You see like a fancy restaurant called Escargot. Yeah. It's like, I'm seeing if you went to France and saw a restaurant called Snail. You're like, what? Yeah. Do they sell snails? Not really.

Okay. I remember once, I mean, it was before I was born, obviously, but my parents went on their honeymoon from South Africa. They went to Brazil and that was in early 90s. And all the shops, all the really fancy shops had random English names. It's like egg and pink and stuff. Just red, just gibberish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're like, Oh, like abroad. Like, well, not where I'm from. Yeah, yeah. Like, like, yeah, like in friends. When they say you know, friends. Yeah. Joey ate the egg. He eats. Yes. Like this cafe. You go, huh-huh, okay. Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just think,

I can't get into this. It's not actually, it wouldn't actually even be polite to explain that this is wrong. Because it would be such a fucking problem for the person who's called their sharp egg. Like, I don't want to give them this knowledge. It's curse knowledge. If it's working for them, leave them alone. Well, some curse knowledge I have is the knowledge that we're out of time. Yes. Yes. Very cursed. It's time to go to the Japanese smoking booth.

Oh, no. Of the bonus part. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, we'll see patrons there. Everyone, the professionalization of Bud Pod continues. Next week will be even more professional somehow maybe. Yep, suits and ties. Yeah, eventually it's gonna be full TV studio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gonna be like the news. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba. That's the thing.

Breaking Tat News. Smokey to the cigarette. Has given up smoking a hundred times. So it's very easy. More at one. All right then. Bye bye.