BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 276 - I'm Sick

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

As the de-colonisation continues, Phil and Pierre turn their attention back to the US as Kamala Harris is elected as the Democrats' Presidential candidate.BudPod Live: 5th Anniversary Special is on 25/09/24 at the Leicester Square Theatre!General sale is live today!Get your tickets here Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 276. 276. I'm coming to heaven. I'm sick. Joe Biden has pulled out of the race to be president. And that's what he said. Well, it's the whole, you know, when they post that official letter, the heading is like from the desk of the president.

Yeah. when they post that official letter, the heading is like from the desk of the president, the White House says, I'm coming to heaven, I'm sick. And then a big X in ink, there's no signature. Well, because his team did, as him did tweet, when he came down with COVID, he tweeted, I'm sick. And then followed it with, of Donald Trump being a pooperhead or whatever. But also just another terrible decision in the campaign to when your frail, withering skeleton man has caught COVID. Yeah. Just a tweet. I'm sick. From like your official account. It's one of the most terrifying. And then once I saw what the trick was, I wasn't like impressed. I was like, oh, they got me. No, you fucked up twice there. It's like, no, no, I'm annoyed at how dumb the trick is.

And also getting COVID was like... My theory is that that's what's made him do it. Cause like he must have had a couple of crucial things every day for the next two weeks and he must have covered badly enough that even he was like, shit, I'm all like, I'm so sick and old. I can't even do if I can't do the next two weeks of crucial things that puts us so far behind and what if I get it again and then you start thinking seriously, shit, can I actually do this? Like it must have been bad enough to I think that's what pushed it over the edge. The COVID. Yeah.

Thank God. COVID might have saved the US presidency twice. Yeah, that's true. Because it saved it in 2020, because Donald Trump had to stay at home. Someone's very angry at a Chinese scientist right now. So like we invented this virus to destabilize America. Deep in some conspiracy bunker. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, not a surprise, but also still the state of politics currently is everything that happens, you go, ah, yeah, I knew that was going to happen. Every single thing that happens in politics these days, you go, oh my God, but yeah, I kind of knew, we all knew that was going to happen about three weeks ago.

Is it because we know too much? Like, is it because we know so much from like the inside perspective? Like, in the old days, things were surprising because we didn't have access to constant tweets and like leaks. So you didn't know that someone was thinking of resigning. Right. Whereas now we are following these new stories second by second in our development. But I think another part of it is since 2016, shocking things have become the norm. And we are, in the broad scheme of things, we aren't surprised by them. But when they each individually happen, we still inherently go, whoa! And then our mind checks in and goes, crazy things happen all the time. Yeah, that's it.

I found out he was stepping down right before going on stage at a preview at Creatures Comedy Club in Manchester. Very nice. Cogit. Creatures of the night comedy club. Oh, I've heard of Creatures of the night comedy club. I'm going to try that. Before I went, it was really nice little basement club in the cool part of Manchester.

And but I had someone said it right before I went on stage and I was like, wow, well, time to do a show. Like you're right. I think also since 2016, everything that's happened during it happening, someone has said, this has never happened. Yes. Or it's been a hundred years since this is... That's everything now. It is. It's kind of like fireworks, right? The first couple of fires you go, oh wow,

oh wow. And then about five minutes in in each one you go, and you go I Intellectually know that spectacular. Yeah, but I'm used to it now. I've become used to it. Yeah, I come to expect it I've absorbed the fact that the sky is exploding Yeah, and I'm happy with it now and I will occasionally glance at my phone or I'll look over from the bonfire party towards the queue for the burger van. One of the craziest things I ever saw was when I was a kid in the UK, we were visiting for a bit and went to a bonfire night.

And they had like a fireworks thing that came out of a rack and it went... And then there's a big bonfire and people are throwing things. And then, and then got to the end of the night and the guys who sort of manned the little firework rack. Yeah. Were like, well, I guess the most convenient way to dispose of this is to throw it onto the huge fire. No. Yeah.

They grabbed it and everyone was kind of like, should they be doing that? And just threw it onto the huge bonfire. And of course there are fireworks in there that didn't fire. You're kidding. It's fireworks start flying out of the bonfire into the crowd. And we're like, oh, we all have to run away. At random angles. Yeah.

And the guys are like, oh god, we should have done that. And everyone's just like running away from it. Fucking hell. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life, but also kind of fun. Just to get a fireworks like Stalin's organ and just kind of hoiking onto a bonfire. What's Stalin's organ? Like a big multi-barrel rocket launcher from World War II, the Katyushas. Exactly, yeah.

Just hurling it onto a bonfire thinking... Just no aim at all... You guys experienced what it was like for French troops when they had rockets shot at them for the first time during the Napoleonic Wars. You can vouch for the fact that, no, you will flee. Yes, right. I don't know where they're coming from or where they're going. Fuck me, man. Very dumb. Where was that?

England somewhere. It must have been near Stoke. Yeah. Somewhere in the Midlands. Those crazy potters and their love of clay. But Kamala Harris looks like she'll be the candidate now. Gavin Newsom's got behind her. That was the guy I thought. Clinton's Obama is being flirty about it. Everyone's favorite giggling wine aunt is now... She does seem like she'd buy shots for the table.

She does have that slightly chaotic vibe. But then tell you off the next day if you got too drunk. Yeah, or for being hungover. She feels like one of those people that doesn't get hungover. Or is somehow even louder when they're hungover. Another lawyer of course, if she becomes president, have lawyer president and lawyer prime minister. Ooh, lawyer friends. Couple of transatlantic lawyer buddies.

As opposed to our prime minister being a lawyer and their president being a criminal. That would be fun. That would be more fun. That would be more like a sort of,'d have thought Batman that we would be... Yes. We would be working together. You and I are so different. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How would you have prosecuted me, Mr. Stammer, if it was you? If Donald Trump was a reflective person, which of course he's not. No. Now he's the rambling senile one. He's the old guy now. They did the old switcheroo. Mm-hmm. I don't fancy Kamala Harris' chances, though. I mean... Maybe now that if they let her go out and actually do things and speak

and come across as a bit less odd. But she's only ever been odd, and she's basically invisible as vice president. But then they... I think she has done some good work on stuff that I don't fully know the details of but they blame the Biden administration for that though, for kind of smushing her into a little box. Right. Yeah.

So I guess we'll find out over the next few weeks just how how profoundly odd her energy is. But maybe it's odd in a way that I mean, like Donald Trump's energy is obviously odd, but it's odd in a way that self evidently has worked. But you can't out Donald Trump, Donald Trump. No, no, no. I'm not saying same oddness. But what if it's also odd in a way that people go, yes, I like that. Right, OK. It's not a fun odd though.

Donald Trump's weirdness is really fun. Kamala Harris's weirdness, stuff in the occasional sound bite, where you feel like you're on mushrooms. It's not that fun. No, but we'll see though, I'm saying. What if she busts it out and everyone's like, yeah, that's weird. You're like a weird aunt. Okay. But now Donald Trump is old and insane. He's picked a, his vice president is this sort of weird, I've seen pictures of him wearing an eye patch. JD Vance.

JD Vance. Which is such an American name. It's like name. It's like a name from a James Patterson novel or something. The name of a James Patterson novel or it's a name that's been auto-generated to like a sort of Sega. Oh, for yeah, yeah, yeah. J. D. Vance is a striker in Revolution. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For like Sleeve McDycle and all those like fake baseball names like J. D. Vance. It sounds like a place where you go to get pleated trousers. Yes. You gotta go to JD Vance and pick your father up. Like barbeque gear. Yeah, you can get trousers. Pants from JD Vance.

I got some pants from JD Vance. I'm just gonna drop into JD Vance for some briquettes. And so a new drill bit. Yes. And some ammunition. And an orange Julius. Bestselling author for his memoir. But his memoir was like one of those things that left-wing people praised

because it made them feel better about Donald Trump winning. Right. It was because it's called Hillbilly Elegy. Yeah, it's called, it sucks to be a hillbilly, brackets why we like Trump. Right, right, right. And when you read it, it's nothing to do with anyone being racist or ignorant or sexist or anything. It's all to do with how shit it is to grow up in Appalachia. Right, yeah.

And how poor they all are and how awful it is. Right. Which makes left-wing people who work at the New York Times think that's right. And if only they had smoothie shops, then they would have voted for Hillary. Right, yeah. So it got like huge praise for illustrating how left behind that part of the country is, which it is. But part of it was making everyone feel better about Trump winning.

Because it was that left-wing thing of like, they're only voting for Trump because we have neglected them. That's it. And it's kind of the left's favorite thing to do, which is instead of going, we need to be better at our job. We need to be better at defeating our opponents. They can instead just throw compassion. It suggests that they can throw compassion at the problem, which is not, which doesn't

work. Now that we feel bad for all those shoeless hill people, they'll suddenly become the same as someone who grew up in Brooklyn. Now the tantrum is over. Now the tantrum is over. We've heard them. Yeah. We've heard, we've listened.

We've opened our hearts. Whereas what we found is a tantrums last, our tantrum was Brexit, their tantrum was Trump and these tantrums apparently are lasting. Major Farage is an MP. The point isn't, it's like going, gosh, now that I've learned more about my opponent, I'm going to let him win. It doesn't make sense. He's still your opponent. Why would they change their beliefs if they believe them? Because what? But Trump is now, you know, he's attracting people who are not traditionally part of his

base. He's attracting a lot of black voters, especially black male voters. Yes. Although JD Vance, the double white guy ticket, I'd be interested to see if that doesn't have a bad effect. Well, he was the white guy last time. Trump and Pence. Yeah, Pence was at least evangelical. Whereas JD Vance is so anti-JD Vance probably more anti-abortion

than Mike Pence, maybe than Trump for sure. Yeah, Trump for sure. Trump's probably funded a few. If you go around fucking porn stars, I don't think you're anti-abortion. Call me a crazy gambler, but I'll take that bet. So I reckon... Yeah, and the Republican stance on abortion is not very popular in the US. I think it's... Genuinely, I think instead of being compassionate, the Democrats should just literally attack JD Vance for being a fucking hillbilly. Really?

Yeah, I think it would work. Really? They go, he's against abortion in cases of incest. Surprised? Right. You know, he's a fucking hillbilly. Of course, he's okay with sister fucking... Right, okay. But this is just going to make... Forced birth, like he's a horrible hillbilly. Fuck him. But then this is, but the rights is going to go, you see how they hate white working class men. Great. Appalachia is not going to vote for you anyway. You think... No, but people are looking at just like Appalachia.

They're going, this is what they say about white working class men. Yeah, but Donald Trump's there going like, oh yeah, she's a fat bitch. You know, everyone's going ha ha ha and voting anyway. Like I think that's where the discourse is at now. If you're harsh and funny and a kind of like, of course he has a problem with incest, he's from fucking Appalachia. Yeah, but the harsh funny thing only works on one side. I think it does not work on the left.

The left don't like to feel like the bad guys. The right enjoy feeling like the bad guys. That's what I mean. They can have fun with it. If the left just decided to fucking... Well, that's a big if. I know, but they can stop whining. Because there's no one else for them to vote for.

I don't know, this strategy of yours is contingent on quite the change in the leftist psyche. I think what you do is you don't let Kamala Harris say it, because then everyone will say, oh, this like elitist black lady is looking down on our poor hillbilly. You get whoever the inevitable Midwestern white guy is. And then it's like, haha, yeah. Like the vice president's job is to be the undignified attack dog. Yes. Yeah, just make some harsh jokes.

Because then everyone will go, that's unacceptable publicly and then go, ha ha ha ha, privately. All the memes will explode everywhere. There'll be a bunch of memes of him, you know, fucking photoshopped onto cletus from the Simpsons and stuff. Yeah. you know, fucking photoshopped onto cletus from the simpsons and stuff. Yeah, it galvanized, it might galvanize the democratic base, but it's not going to win any swing voters. I think it just undermines and makes people go, oh yeah, that is a fucking insane thing to believe.

Yeah, I mean, they probably will hammer on the abortion point. Yeah, but that's what's great is that if you did a sort of quite cruel joke about it like that, about him being a hillbilly, that makes people talk about it more as they say the jokes are outrageous. There'll be a lot of headlines saying outrageous joke told, which makes everyone go, what was the fucking joke? You have to know what the joke was. No one loves an outrageous joke more than the general public clicking a news article

so they can go, ha ha ha. I shouldn't laugh at that. But now they know the story, now they know what JD Vance believes. You ever see like a new story on Twitter come up and it's like a person in trouble for an inflammatory remark and you go, yes! But you make the mistake of clicking on like the BBC or the GARN and click on it and they go, the remark referred to Miss Blumpkin's race in an... And you're like, okay, what did he say?

What did he say? What did he say? And then you get to the end and they don't tell you what the remark was. Miss Blumpkin. And you go, fuck you, God. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. I get you.

Click here and tell me. You're too good for this, are you? I'm going to Breitbart where I can read these jokes. I'm going to suffer through the mirror online. The fucking malware website. Yeah. So I can find out exactly what joke it was so I can make up my own mind about. I will scroll through this amazing way to reduce belly fat.

Will shock your doctor. It's a photo of frying cucumbers. I will scroll past a picture of Gordon Ramsay's face on an egg yolk for some reason and a picture of Silla Black aged even further to find out what this inflammatory remark was. It's the worst thing ever when a news website, because it's so honorable, won't tell you what the fucking outrageous joke was. We're just going to tell you so you can find out from someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not going to say, but rest assured it was nasty. Yeah, rest assured. It was reportedly unacceptable. Or was it? Or not? Just print, just say it. At least it wasn't libelous. The worst is you feel like such a little like fucking truth in cell when you look up one

of those and you go, it's fine. Yeah, it's nothing. That's nothing. That's not true. It's, it's how often do you think you click through and read it and go, Jesus Christ? Oh, one in three. Yeah. Well, maybe it's divided up into thirds of like genuinely like, holy shit, that's unacceptable. Yeah. Well, maybe it's divided up into thirds of like genuinely like holy shit, that's unacceptable.

Yeah. Meh. Yeah. Well, that's fine. It's like a standard joke. Yeah. I'd say it's one third, a third, a third, maybe. Probably.

But we have suffered from inflation of unacceptable remarks in the last few years. It'd be interesting now that sort Tory Omni-Shamble period is over and professionalism returns to number 10 in parliament, whether our baselines reset. We'll become... Then we should be more sensitive. Exactly. It should inflate more. The bar will lower, but the number will decrease as well. Ah, the number of fuck ups.

Yeah. Yeah. So it'll be like, oh, now an unprofessional remark is genuinely an unprofessional remark. Like anything slightly over the line. Labor will have to be like, oh no. Yes. Whereas with the Tories, by the end, it was like, your first question would be, is anyone dead?

Did anything burn down? No? Well then just put it in the pile. Because we're just like every day like seven. Yeah. Priti Patel talking about putting up a big net in the channel. Like Wiley Coyote, yeah. Put a big net, do a big net. Like really genuinely front page moron level stuff. And everyone's just going, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, put it in the pile. Sure. Yeah.

I mean, the fact that the Rwanda policy got us fired, it was a bad joke. The Rwanda policy started off as a bad joke. If you come here and we don't think you should be here, we're going to send you to... We'll send you to Africa. We'll put you on a plane. We'll send you to Rwanda.

It's the kind of thing that a guy with mustard corduroys would have said in a pub, like with a really big red nose. And they'd be going, I'm going to send them all to some bloody hole in Africa, see how they like it then. And everyone's like, come on man, don't say that. And the Tories were like, well, I know we're just kidding, but you know, might get to that point.

And then a couple years later, we're like, has the Rwanda policy gone through? Yes, people work, civil servants are working on sending 12 people a year on a plane to Rwanda. Guys with like four degrees are sitting there going, right. And when will they live in Rwanda? And having all these long phone calls with the Rwandan government going, so do we, would we have to buy the flats for them? And the Rwandans are going, like you just hear giggling on the other side of the phone. Yeah.

Yes. You have to buy the flats. And they're going, okay, well, we'll do that. And they go like the amount of times the Rwandan government has to put down the phone and everyone just going, ah, a prank phone call on a radio show. As another 100 million pounds flows in. It flows in for nothing.

Absolutely not. The second Kiyosama got in and canceled it, Paul Kagame did the press conference where he just went, no refunds. That's so funny. No refunds. Amazing. Of course. Fair play to him. Obviously. Obviously.

Fucking hell, man. The way the Rwanda government spoke to the Tory government about Rwanda policies, the way I talked to my PT about my meal plan, I'm like, oh, interesting. Okay. So yes, the rice would be, so I'd cook this much rice for the week. And then the chicken breasts, interesting. Yeah, baby.

Low fat spray. Okay, so, okay, interesting, right? And then spray the oil into the pan instead of pouring it. Okay, interesting, yeah, yeah. I'll make some plans to get that. And we both know it's not happening. Oh, you're saying I could cook seven bad meals at once. That's fascinating. Have them in seer again and again and again consecutively for days.

For days and days in a row have the bad meals that I've spent all day on Sunday making instead of whacking it and interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. So good. Thank you. Oh man. It would have been so mental if it had worked. The Rwanda policy. Yeah. If there was just like some like town in Rwanda just founded entirely by channel crossing failed asylum seekers. That just turned out to be like Singapore.

Just like hover cars like in the justice. Everyone's like, wow, we should have let them in. These guys are great. It would have been such like a fuck you. Because if it worked, it would have made us look stupid. So these are the hardest working cleverest people when we've sent them to Rwanda. Now they get to benefit from this like Singapore. So even if it had worked, it would have made us look dumb. We lost all these valuable citizens.

Yeah, because they would have gone like, yeah, every third guy's a surgeon. And yeah, no, it's great. And then if it didn't work, we'd look dumb. It's like dumb from like 17 angles. It's like dumb in the multiverse. It's an amazing, amazing way for the Rwanda to make 100 million pounds. Yeah, thank God that's over. You know what I realized like yesterday was I went, I haven't heard about British politics for like four days at all. Is it okay? Is it still happening? Is everyone dead? Was there like a gas leak in Whitehall and everyone's dead? Is that

why it's so quiet? No, because people are doing their job. Crazy. Unbelievable. It makes me it's genuinely... It's like we've been living in a house where people keep setting up firecrackers and now those guys have moved out. And so the whole day you're like... Are they home? Did they all die? Are they blown up by the firecrackers?

You're so ready to jump and go Jesus Christ, because someone set up a firecracker in the bathroom while you're in there. It's just not happening. Did you see the Boris Johnson was at the Republican conference in America and had a little talk and like 12 people turned up? It was like a fringe preview. It was unbelievable. They set up chairs for like 200 or something and honestly like maybe max 20 people turned

up all dotted around the room. I wonder who they were as well. Probably like the few freaks are really into British politics. Oh my God, Boris Jones sounds here. Just expats maybe. Maybe just some anthropologists there to be like, gosh, this is the British version of our guy. The thing is, because America is always more extreme version of us, there's nothing the

American equivalent can learn from the British equivalent. No. Boris could learn from Trump. Trump had nothing to learn from Boris and the Republican, American Republican party can learn nothing from the Conservative party, especially not Conservative party that's just imploded. Also, because in the US, the kind of person who casually drops in references to Latin things is exactly why people like Donald Trump, because he's not like that and he's going to smash and destroy the people who are.

So if anything, the more Trump was like Boris, the more he'd undermine the whole point of his existence. Yeah. Whereas what Boris Johnson is, is like this kind of horrifying revival of the ruling class, people returning to an elite. The real American version of Boris Johnson would be like a kind of uptight Yale professor, you know, who has that kind of North New England English who talks like this and who's a sort of strong Republican wasp. You know, that would be like the former ruling elite of America that's been rejected since

Kennedy basically. Yeah. A Yale, a good Yale man. A good Yale man. Exactly. Mr. Burns would be the version of Boris Johnson. Yes. So a sexy version of Mr. Burns.

Yes. Whereas Donald Trump, I mean, what's the equivalent here? Is there anyone who's just like a massive shagger? He's like an unintellectual, anti-intellectual? I mean, I was going to say Farage, but Farage is still sort of elite, isn't it? But then, I mean, so is Trump. I mean, they... Farage is probably closer.

He's probably the closest. Because he likes to just go, no, it'll be fine. Lee Anderson maybe even. Yeah. Yeah. Someone, someone outrageous and a bit weird. Leanderson's pretty weird. Very odd guy.

Do you think all the wackos who've been elected in the last election are in Parliament now going, God, this is dull. Oh, you mean like the reform guys? The reform guys, maybe even the Greens, are just there going like, I hate this actually, to do all these forms. Whereas what I used to do is I used to go to like a fucking festival where I was treated like a fucking visiting deity, because I was deputy head of the Greens or whatever. The Greens are dorks though.

Reform are not. But they're dorks that have been doing only protest fun for their whole lives. And now they have to sit and... I submit the motion to... Bah bah bah. And you know, spend all day in this boring building with these boring people. Yeah, yeah.

It can't be fun. Hopefully scares them out. Reform are probably just in the pub. Yeah. They've got a subsidized bar so there's going to be some insane fight between like Lee Anderson and anyone else right just after getting hooned on fucking one quid pints like as a student's union surely we're not far from that headline. Like a fucking seven pint lunch just swearing. one quid pints like as a student's union. Surely we're not far from that headline. Like

a fucking seven pint lunch. Just swearing. I've eaten at the subsidized in the house of parliament. I've eaten on one of the subsidized canteens. I was the guest of a peer, a Lord, and he bought me lunch and what's funny is just how we have laws and these grand buildings, but we're still England and you're still eating in a cafeteria with a tray. So all these laws are going on with the plastic trays. Yeah. It's still putting on a little pot of yogurt and... Choosing a little pot of like multiple like grapes and melon. Yeah, exactly. Oh, come on.

And the funniest bit for me was the sweetest bit was as the guest of a peer and he had to pay, he paid for me very kindly, but everyone has to call him Malad. All the staff have to call him Malad. Yeah. And the guy at the cashier was like, your pin number Malad. Like showing him the fucking dojo card reader thing, having to call him Malod the whole time. That's funny. It hasn't gone through Malod. Maybe try and tap it at the other end, Malod.

Do you have apple pie, Malod? My Lord, if you would sign up to the loyalty scheme, you may have an extra coffee every 10th time you visit, my Lord. It's insane. Very weird. very weird place. Everything has to be a bit shit. To be British. Yeah.

Do senators have that? Surely not. Is there a canteen in America? Senators must just go to like the nicest restaurants in DC, surely. Yes, I would have thought so. I can't picture them holding plastic trays. C. Although I bet DC has a lot of weird underground restaurants. Important places in... I mean like cafeterias, important places in America love to have a weird little underground

bunker bit. They love it. L. That's true. I wonder. The idea of a bunch of lords queuing up to have fucking a big square of lasagna. Who's that? Who's got the last piece of lasagna? Oh, that's Lord Ruthcutt of Bimbleberry.

Right. Blast. He's got the last piece again. Lord Ruthcutt's got the last square of lasagna and it was a corner piece. Damn him and his fiefdom. Ridiculous. Well, anyway, speaking of weird underground. Subscribe to our Instagram and TikTok. We're Blood Pod Official.

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So that's another incentive to follow Bud Pod Official. Yes, yes, fabulous. And some people commented saying on the video thing, this will blow the minds of people who find Phil and Pierre's voices hard to tell apart. I didn't think it was a problem. I didn't think so. I think I sound like... Your old man.

A little fiddle. Yeah. I think I sound like... Your own man. I think, yeah. Compared to Pierre, I feel like I've got quite a high register. Maybe. Maybe. Well, anyway. Let's read some correspondence.. It's another, um, pathetic infuriation. Oh, great. Yes.

This is our new format point. What is the most pathetic thing that really angers you? Yeah. Hello, P squared. A pathetic frustration for you. I don't know why, but I get an irrationally annoyed when someone sneezes three times in succession. Oh, that's good. Yes. Cause it's meant to be too. Yes. You've, you've ended on an unresolved sneeze. Sneeze isn't meant to come in pairs. Ah! Yeah, I'm done. Oh, okay. And then you go again.

Ah! Everyone's like, oh shit, we're still going? You've still got... Oh, that's a sneeze. Nah, you've got to round it out. You need another sneeze. Well, so, Sweetie Peter says once, fine, it's natural. And as long as it's not in my face, we move on.

Twice. Okay, now, tad excessive, but excusable. We all get irritated nostrils. But three times a sneezing, I instantly find myself frowning and thinking, come on, that's just unnecessary. I disagree slightly in that I think two is the natural amount. They tend to come in pairs. I'm interested in the theory. I'm going to have I think two is the natural amount. They tend to come in pairs. I'm interested in this theory. I'm gonna have to think about that.

As a hay fever sufferer, they can really go mad. I know this is stupid and completely involuntary, but I don't know why it just boils my blood. Or perhaps it's more of a simmer. My colleagues are aware of this now. So much so that if someone sneezes twice, one of them often looks to me to watch my reaction as my head appears above the bank of monitors to identify the culprit. That's so funny.

That's really funny. Just, ratchu! Ratchu! Like Darth Vader looming above the entire office. Someone there going, Oh God. Is it Rambo that comes out of the head? Yeah. Well, he's like, like then in the video for somebody I used to know it just, he's painted to look like the back. Oh yeah. He just opens his eyes. Are there bodily functions that frustrate you in this way? Needless to say, due to the decolonization process, we should avoid any that might originate from the southern depths. Koji, my boys, sweet to Peter. Thanks, sweet to Peter. I feel like we can...

I hate a wet cough. Oh, like the flemmy deep trusty one. When you can hear the coils of phlegm shaking with each cough and it's like oh and you and you almost want to go over and say sorry is there any way I could clear your throat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I reach in there? Can I put my hand down? Could I get a sort of very thin version of a toilet brush and just get all that gunk

out of you please? Because if I don't, I'm gonna just have to kill you. I had a wet cough, especially in an audience, because when I hear a cough like that, I want to say to them, look, it's not nice to have to cancel your plans, but that's the cough of an ill person. It's not a dry cough or it could be caused

by any number of other things. And I'm not saying obviously COVID, dry cough, but a wet chest cough is like a full on like germ, firework display. You should not be out of the house. It taps into some visceral instinct, doesn't it? That there is illness about. Yeah, some horrible caveman instinct where you'd hear that cough and that would be your cue to go, someone's getting pushed off the ceremonial cliff. The tribe can't afford to keep someone in it. Lungs sound like that.

Off the cliff. Which would you hate more? Someone coughing a lot or someone sniffing a lot? It's about the wetness for me. If I can hear... We're so attuned to wetness, isn't it? Fantastic. Isn't it fantastic?

Yeah. The bodies are so attuned to wetness. It's impressive. I don't know if I'd describe it as fantastic. Well, it's interesting. The things that we're very attuned to color green and the sound of trickling fluid. What about wetness biologically? That are we really watching out for? It's, it must just be illness because people could sniff to smell something and that's not as obscene, is it? Yeah, that's right, that's right. Because if you're just smelling if something smells nice or bad,

whereas when it's got a wetness to it, you think you're ill and you need to go away from me, or I need to get away from you. Yeah. I wonder how intrinsic it is. Are we born... If a baby was not taught that mucus was gross, and would they grow up into a person who instinctively went, ugh. God, they must do. Because they would get sick.

What I hate the most of the fucking old guys who are so old, they don't care what people think about them anymore, but are also sick enough that they're always going, ugh. I hate that shit. I hate that. You can tell from the quality of a man's cough that I can tell that they're ill, that they're always going... I hate that shit. I hate that. You can tell from the quality of a man's cough that I can tell that they're ill, that they're old and that they're not going to stop. Yeah. You can tell from the quality of an old man's cough. You can instantly go, he's not going to stop. He's not embarrassed. You can tell from the sound of a cough that he's not embarrassed. We spend a lot more time trying to assess audiences for that shit as well.

That's never stopping. He's not embarrassed. He's doing that for the whole film. You might never hear it again. That could be done. That's done. That might be it over. That's with you for the rest of the evening. For sure. Yeah. And he's going to time it for the exactly like a sniper level of accuracy for the gap between setup and punchline.

Every single time. And... And you fucked up the joke. Fucked up the joke because everyone's had to hear your wet phlegm. Stanley. Really disgusting. No, I don't like that at all. Wet sniffing. Yeah, I don't like that at all. Wet sniffing, yeah, I don't like that. Yesterday, I was on the train back, no, the train to Manchester to do the creatures comedy club.

And there was a family who had a little kid who just kept going like... Woo! Like that. On the train? Woo! Like that. On the train. Like that. Like a weird little dog wolf boy. The kid wasn't like mad. Was it a tiny Ric Flair? Yeah, just moonwalking.

Yeah, he's just a little kid in like the big robes. No, just this kid just kept going. Well the world's a wonderful place. It's an amazing place, you're a child. Everything's new. Maybe it was just amazed by everything. Maybe it's the first train ride. Every new piece of scenery. But it was constant and like pitched like dog whistle perfectly.

Like it was cut through my headphones. Like you wouldn't believe. And it got to the point where I was just like, what? Is this like a tick maybe? And everyone in the kids' family is just like, that's our boy. He's a wooze kid. No, there was that and there was some other mad thing someone was doing. Maybe it was just man to someone sucking on a sweet. Someone eating crisps. Even someone who's like this, I've had this argument with so many people, they're like,

I do eat crisps with my mouth closed. And it's like, no, you don't. You eat them with your mouth closed, eventually. The first three crunches you treat everyone to. So it's like hum, hum, hum, hum. Now it's closed. No, no, no. You put it in and the mouth is shut. And it doesn't open again till that one's over. There's no middle ground.

Either your mouth is open or it's fucking not. The amount this has pissed Pierre off has reminded me that his book is out. Yeah. And we were at- Do you want to hear an analysis of this, another autism related sound issues? This is my book. And thank you for everyone who sent their feedback so far.

It's been really nice. A lot of the messages I've got have been very like, personal and uplifting and- Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah, some really, really nice messages from people. So thank you for that. And thank you to everyone who shared it as well. You're helping me a lot.

Shift copies of my funny guide to autism. Yeah. Yeah. It was a great book and... We launched it. Yeah. We went, we had a little party. We did. We put on a little party in Soho, London's fashionable Soho. Yeah.

Yeah. It was a fun, fun time. A star studded affair. I started it with all the stars that I could get my hands on. I'll be uploading photos. Also, if you want to hear a funny line from the audio book read by me, and there's a behind the scenes clip on Instagram that I've posted that's quite fun.

Nice. Porridge. Oh, my pathetic infuriation that actually happened to me as I left the recording last week. People who use the self checkout and finish and then just very slowly pack their bag even though they finished purchasing things. Terrible. The general lack of pace.

Lack of pace, lack of an awareness of like, I sometimes get the impression that if they were to turn around and see a queue of 20 people, they go, Oh, oh yeah. Oh, the people exist. I know. The problem with this fucker in front of me was that they didn't just like very slowly put the shopping in their bag. That's annoying, but okay. They repacked their bag. So they unpacked books. Oh no. Other stuff like spare shoes, fucking hat. Everything in their bag had nothing to do with the supermarket. Yeah.

They unpacked that so as to create a whole new civilization in the bag. To play a little shopping Tetris. Yeah, to play shopping Tetris. So slowly and so fumblingly. And I just thought, could you do this in the road, please, you dog? Terrible. Some people just have no awareness of their impact on the world. No. And I mean, I'm not the king of awareness, but I would at least step out of the way. God. We have some touch attacks from Simon, High Party Peas. Oh yes.

Simon, Hymen. Hyman, Simon. Congrats on the Hymen, Simon. Congratulations. You grew on. You grew a Hymen. And people said you couldn't. Well, you've proved them wrong. That's our Simon. Hi, Party peas. I've only just discovered your podcast and I'm obsessed. Wow. That's classic. Classic. I've been listening to it so much. I had a dream the other night that I was caught short, so I did a poo in a plastic bag and put it in my trouser pocket before going to work.

This was a dream? Yes. Yeah. Well, I basically did unreal life. Yeah, that's true. We started the colonization off in the first place. That was like, that story of your poo sample was like, it was like Christopher Columbus. Yes.

You know, it started it all off. Yeah. It was horrible in the dream. I worked in an office. I'm only 50 episodes in, so I don't know if you're still talking about Tat. But this girl's... Was Tat as early as 50 episodes in? We forget that COVID kicking off was 53. Crazy.

Mad, really mad. It feels like it should have been way later. Yeah, yeah. But these could also be uncool, cool. Sweary positivity products are particularly vomit inducing. Yes. Because while swearing is cool, saying meaningless positive affirmations. Well, of course swearing is cool.

Of course swearing is cool. Saying meaningless positive affirmations is uncool. Correct. These therefore make swearing fall well below the Louis line by attempting to be cool while also being completely awful. So it's one of these like gift advert things that pop up on Twitter or Facebook. As in an advert for a gift idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you click them and you know they're just being drop

shipped by some Chinese factory. Right. It's a bag that says, my little bag of sweary affirmations. Sweary. Yeah. I hate horrible, horrible, horrible. Even when you see someone's profile on Twitter,

bit sweary. Ah, tea drinker. Dog mump. I see someone's profile on Twitter, bit sweary. Ah, tea drinker. Ah. Dog mom. Ah. Do you ever see cat mom so much? Sometimes you see crazy cat person. But never cat mom. No, never cat mom.

Send a hug and these little surprises to your friend or family moves and they're feeling poorly down or suffering from anxiety. I think a bag of swear words is not really. The last thing I want if I'm feeling anxious is to be sworn at by a bag by my own possessions. Just feeling anxious. I'm going to go through a deck of cards that just call me a cunt. You just tell me to calm the fuck down. So here's a, a, some, a, a sweary affirmation for you Phil. My future is a blank, blank explosion of blank, blank. I already hate it and I only have half the information. My future is a blank, blank explosion of blanking blank.

Fucking awesomeness at the end. You've got it bang on. Fucking hell. wow, wow. Oh, wow. It has, is always gonna be fucking awesomeness. No, my science is fucking awesome. That's like one of those episodes of Catchphrase where they like bring like one square is removed

and they just go, two in the hand. And they just immediately just get it from like no clues at all. That's insane. Well done. My future is a blank, blank. A blank, blank explosion of fucking awesomeness. They're pretty random adjectives to be honest with you. I'm going to say my future is a glitter cannon explosion of fucking awesomeness. They're pretty random adjectives to be honest with you. I'm going to say my future is a glitter cannon explosion of fucking awesomeness.

Can I give you sparkly for glitter? You've got a... Sparkly cannon? No, no. So it's my future is a blank sparkly explosion. So you've got your glitter instinct was absolutely correct. Sparkly. Yeah. I mean, a golden sparkly. Golden sparkly. Yeah. I mean, your sparkly. Golden sparkly. Yeah. I mean, your instincts are absolutely

like an eagle of these just perfectly crafted swooping in on a field mouse. I lived through the period of cutesy, sweary nerdiness online. Yeah. Epic bacon. Epic bacon. You wouldn't fucking awesome. You win the internet for today. Good sir. All this fucking bullshit. And it's in my cells now. It's like Chernobyl. That's affected my DNA. It's changed it. You're like those, uh, you're like those weird plants around Chernobyl. They've got like all different heads growing out of them and stuff. Just that but with an epic bacon fucking reaction comics. And I won't make you guess this one. I'll just say it to you so you can have the full effect. Because you know people, there's a lot of you are worthy sort of rhetoric.

So this is rhetoric on top of that. This is some icing on top of the worthiness sentiment. It says I am more than worthy. I am a fucking warrior woman. You want to say, well, you work in accounts. Do you want to be a warrior woman? Do you want a brace of heads on your belt? Do you wish to purge a village?

That's what you should be, if you're going to be a warrior woman, I'm just saying. You need to learn how to hang off one side of your horse and shoot an arrow through the heart of the head of a village to intimidate everyone else into surrendering. And take many wives. Yes, yeah. Take wives from your defeated enemy. And then a set of fresh out of fucks pens. Are we still doing fresh out of fucks to give?

Are we still doing this? Yeah, it's also like fresh out of fucks to give is the millennial version of Gen Z just responding to everything with LMAO. What it means is you've really hurt my feelings and I'm going to pretend you haven't. Dude, those are what Gen Z does. They just respond to everything with like LMAO. Even if they don't find it funny? No, like you'll reply with like a devastating counterargument. Or someone will go, yeah, well, you're a fucking loser.

And they'll be like, LMAO. I'm laughing, actually. These are tears of laughter. Like how boomers reply to everything with like 17 cry laughing emojis. The pen say, for fuck's sake, sake in loving memory when I gave a fuck. That one I got a little time for. Fuck around and find out. Fuck this shit. And then just the word fuck with about 17 yous.

It's a bit. It's pretty bad stuff. Pretty stinky poo poo. Apologies if there's anyone listening who enjoys that kind of stinky poo poo, but you shouldn't. By this point, surely they've unsubscribed from this podcast. We insult them every week. Yeah, they've just gone LMAO. Okay, nice podcast. It is a nice podcast. Thank you, Pierre. It is. All right, well, see you on Friday, guys.

And good luck to any podBuds running for Democrat candidates. Yes, good luck out there, PodBud. And wishing you all the best. But until next time, see you next time. Bye! Bye! Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night.

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