BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 277 - Fringe Pod

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

It's Fringe Pod! Pierre is back at the fringe doing his new show 'Must We?'. This week the boys are gifted with some very special 2000 year old messages straight from the ancient city of Pompeii! BudPod Live: 5th Anniversary Special is on 25/09/24 at the Leicester Square Theatre!General sale is live today!Get your tickets herePierre's Fringe show!Get your tickets here Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 277. 277. Who's serving levity? Who's serving levity? It's Pianavelli of the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes, I am. I'm dialing in from the capital of Scatland. I'm here-

Edinburgh, Scatland? Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Scatland. Scotland I'm here in borough scotland edinborough edinburgh scotland I'm going to go by a bunch of tweed tartan butt plugs In the novelli tartan it's going to be great with all the other Americans coming out of those big old buses on the Royal Mile and some very confused Spanish people who are

shivering in the freezing 19 degree centigrade weather. Dios mio! I'd kill for 19 degrees. We're having another heatwave here in London. Is it oppressive? Right. It's muggy. It's uncomfortable. And to make it worse, everyone else is happy about it. I think that's what I hate London summer most is that it's the worst thing in my life. And everyone else. Yeah. It's like a Greek myth. It's like the punishment in the Greek myth. You have to live in hell. And everyone else thinks it's heaven. Everyone else is like diving into big pools of lava. Ha ha ha!

They're just loving it. Yeah, and I'm just going there. Don't you see? Don't you see? Autumn is much better. People are getting like pitchforked in the ass going, hee hee hee, it tickles. And you're like, ah!

Screaming. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And they all just think you're a wimp. Yeah, you're like a hot weather Grinch. If we remade the Grinch. I really am. Where like the, instead of snow and Christmas aesthetic, Wimpen. Yeah, you're like a you're like a hot weather Grinch. If we remade the Grinch, where like the instead of snow and Christmas aesthetic, it's like a sort of spring break or summer break, like all the people are down in Whoville are surfing, or in London more

accurately, jumping into a kind of gloopy pond. They're all having cans on the green. And you're there. Yeah, you're, you're a sweaty one, Mr. Grinch. I can really smell your balls. Yeah, so that's what I'm putting up with. I've just been to see Czech Philipp, my personal trainer. Yes. Oh, god, I'm tired. He's just been, He's just got back from his bodybuilding competition. He

won two golds. Not the Olympics, a bodybuilding competition in Swindon. But you've got to start somewhere. Yeah. Well, Swindon is the Paris of Wiltshire. It's the Olympus of England. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Philip was like, he's Czech and he was like, Swindon is horrible. There are people like lining, but doing lines of drugs off their phones in the streets at 4pm. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's Swindon. That sounds like Swindon to me.

It's hard to explain to people, isn't it, when they move to London from somewhere, especially in Eastern Europe? Because I remember the Economist did that comparison where it was like, if you cut out, if you cut around the M25 with scissors, you cut London out of England, London becomes Singapore. And the rest of England without London is broadly the same as Poland. Like rural Poland. Non-urban Poland. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rural Poland. Which is about right. And also, the whole country is either like Swindon, where it looks like it's only just recovered from a bombing. It's just so desolate and like badly put together and like run down And or it's like the nicest place you've ever seen in your life Hmm like Cotswolds, you know But it had to be nice pre 1900

If you were if you managed to be nice before 1900 in the in England, you're probably nice now if you were developed built after that, all stopped in the 50s, 60s. Yeah, or if you had to rebuild after being bombed, they decided like, let's rebuild everything as ugly as possible so no one ever wants to blow it up again. Coventry. The problem was Hitler liked England too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted to, that's why he wanted to invade. It was like when supervillains always kidnapped like the superhero's girlfriend. They didn't kidnap the superhero's bully. So Hitler knew that Coventry was a beautiful medieval town. That's why they were like, blow it up!

You know, whereas he didn't bomb anywhere that England didn't like. Although, saying that, weirdly, I would really respect a Marvel movie where the guy who Doctor Doom kidnaps or whatever is someone the superhero doesn't like. That's much more of a moral quandary. Oh, yeah, that is good. Should I bother saving my own bully? That'd be good. That's a good one. Another great movie idea. It's a fucking gold factory we're running here.

Although I wonder if maybe the drugs on the streets on the way to Philip's bodybuilding competition were like staged by the competition, the final test to see how committed you were to health. One last little like uh... Woo! And what could be more tempting? Maybe they're holding steroids, they're holding steroids. Mmm! Street Roids! Hey buddy, want a free taste? Whoo, and what could be more to the holding steroids building steroids and Street Roy's hey buddy. Want a free taste. Hey buddy want to get pumped

That means something else up here in Scotland. Oh, it does want to get pumped you've got you when you got your curtains drawn behind you like your Jason Bourne on the run. Yes. Yeah, I've drawn them as though I've sort of I've I've got the police all around the flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I may shoot at them, I may not. Depends how charismatic the negotiator is. In what condition did you find your Edinburgh flat? How flooded is it? How many...

Well, I'm staying with friends with friends, friends, flats. I'm skipping the whole scan. The dream. The dream. For those of you who don't know, the Edinburgh Festival is an incredible month long chance for comedians and actors and dancers and puppeteers to band together and pay off almost every mortgage in Edinburgh. The Fringe has put on once a year to provide a unique opportunity for progress for the landlords of Edinburgh. It's the most important month in the calendar of Scottish landlords.

It's where they move up a tier. It's where they show each other what they're built, what they're made of, what they've got. And look, some of the best landlords who are so famous now or were very famous even from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, people don't appreciate that they often got their start here during this month. Yeah, people forget, but in the 80s, early 80s Donald Trump, you know, he did a fringe before going back to New York. Yeah, the Duke of Westminster. Where did you get all this experience

scamming people from? Oh, I was a landlord in Edinburgh for the month of August. And everyone goes, right, it's like a training camp. It's amazing. It's like, I learned things. I learned a lot of things. That's why he still likes Scotland so much. But yes, it is a bit of a scam. It's sort of five times as expensive per month as London during this month, maybe 10 times depending on where you are. And last year for that enormous amount of money, I had a flat with no television and blood on my duvet. Honestly, blood? Yeah, yeah, blood stains on the duvet.

On the duvet, at least have the good grace to have the blood on the mattress, like under the sheet. Blood on the mattress. Just flatter on the duvet. Just on the duvet, like someone had had a nosebleed while they were sleeping. And they were just like, this is fine. And the one difference, I'll say this for the rentier class of Edinburgh, they are suitably ashamed and afraid of what they're up to. I think they're still in that stage of landlord scamming where they think this can't

keep going. We can't, we have to get in trouble at some point. Whereas in London, they just say, fuck you. I'm going to, you fuck you. You go live in the bin then we don't give a shit. Um, what makes me say that? What makes you say there's still some conscience left in this particular screw? Maybe not conscience, but definitely fear. Because when I pointed out the blood stained duvet to the landlord renting estate agent person, the level of cringing apology and terror was quite hard. Although I was very stern and I am a large man. So that could be part of it as well. Yeah, nice. What do you do in person? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went down the office. I rang them up and explained. And then when the guy came around,

I explained again. Yeah, but bigly. I explained bigly. It's really dangerous doing a Donald Trump impression around the flat for fun because I can feel it getting into my daily speech patterns and it makes you seem as insane as he seems when he talks. But it's so addictive. Maybe the most addictive. You is so addictive. Yeah. Maybe the most addictive. You can't stop doing it.

The way his speech works is like a big rock rolling downhill. It's got this terrifying natural gibberish momentum where it just kind of flows into itself. Hypnotic again and again. But unlike say Hitler speeches, which were hypnotic through repetition, rage, and sort of like mad nationalist rhetoric about very specific German issues, historical grievances. His is hypnotic because none of it means anything. And it's all just sub clauses of the previous sentence. It is just picked up by its own momentum. Yeah, of words for words sake, just. Yeah, it's

like a babbling brook full of full of shit. Ah, beautiful. A big sewer outlet brook just blah, blah, blah, just going downhill. It's. How's your train ride up? Well, rolling, rolling things. Rolling stock. I thought what I always think when I take the train up the eastern half of the UK, I can't believe the train is allowed that close to the sea. I don't know how it's allowed. Yes.

It's really, for the listeners who've never taken the trip, it's almost worth the insane expense for the views outside of the train alone, because you will go along a cliff maybe 30 meters from the cliff and it's like a beautiful rocky dramatic cliff over the North Sea covered in purple and yellow heather and gorse bushes. And it's an astonishing experience. But I just, you know, driving as a teenager on the Isle of Man, it got so windy that like, you could feel it pushing the car off the road or whatever. You'd have to drive against the wind and you'd have to be careful opening your door because it would wrench it onto the hinges. So is it that the train is so heavy and fast and on railings, it just doesn't fucking matter

how windy it gets or the sea spraying the railings doesn't rust them? It must rust the fuck out of them. Yeah, I don't rust them. It must rust the fuck out of them. Yeah, I don't know really. I think I've always, trains always look like they're ready to topple over to me. Yeah. But it is to do with how the wheels are angled on the track and the weight of the train.

Yes, it's not straight lines. The train will be very bottom heavy because that's where all the, we're just the light fleshy airy part. And then under us is all the clickety clank and the vroom vroom vroom, and the click, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. And that's where all the weight is. You're saying the train is thick. Thick with two Cs, baby.

Bottom heavy. But it's an extraordinary train ride up to Edinburgh once you pass Newcastle. It's like, on the trip from London to Newcastle, Britain is like, oh, you thought you want to take a train ride with you? Did you? Well, why don't you have a look at the worst sites in your entire life? Why don't you see the most disgusting things in the world? And then once you get into Newcastle, Newcastle is beautiful. The bridges. It's so dramatic. It's so cool. You've all the reat. You've you've paid your dues man. Now, some beauty having a go through a barricade upon tweeze. You get a glimpse of Durham, though. Before New

Castle, you do get a peek at Durham. You don't stop. I always forget Durham is before Newcastle. Yeah, I always think it's even further north to I always think it's Yeah, I always think it's northern Newcastle. It is before Newcastle. Yeah, I always think it's even further north too. I always think it's north of Newcastle. It is south of Newcastle. Newcastle is great, because it's like a kind of Lord of the Rings citadel, filled with cheerful Geordies, who are the least like elves. Elves are very reserved and unfriendly, aren't they? They seem very arch.

And live to an old age. Jordi's are like mayflies so briefly with us. But boy, do they shine bright. I read away man. Hey, gone. Gone. But it's so like it's such a sort of elven, amazing, citadel-looking city, and it's filled with these like incredibly cheerful down-to-earth... And then on Friday night, it fucking turns. I've never seen so many police just standing in the street waiting for things to happen

than I have on a Friday night in Newcastle. I've never heard... Newcastle is the only English city that I know of where the fighting, you know, gone for a scrap is like recreational. Right. Because like, obviously, fights happen constantly in this country on various high streets. But in like London, Liverpool, Birmingham, even like, I don't know about Cardiff and Swansea, I don't know them well enough, but like London, Liverpool, Birmingham, York, Manchester, whatever. The fights are a sinister or negative unintended outcome of great big drinking and great big feelings and great big clashes.

Whereas the Ge Jordies... Or again, this is an orcish country. And fights happen for orcish reasons. So it'd be things like a man bumping into your kebab. Yes. Yes. Or insulting your manliness. Looking at your bird, as the cartoon puts it always. Looking at your bird. Orcish fights started for orcish reasons by orcish people. That is the British High Street on a Friday, Saturday night. Yes, but in Newcastle, the guys talk about scrapping as a kind of fun side quest activity you can do when you're out.

Almost chivalric. Almost say, yo, go have a scrap, you know, like, oh, that guy, he likes scrapping. He goes out, he likes scrapping on a weekend or whatever. For recreation and honor. Yes. It's planned. It's institutionalized. It's sportsman-like. Yeah. And it's strange because they're also the most cheerful and friendly But then it is funny isn't it if they want to fight then it's like, okay great I'll be cheerful friendly and then two cheerful friendly men will just absolutely hammer each other Here in maybe violence is just is just the negative expression of

Expressiveness if you're an expressive person You know, you're jokey, you're fun, you're easygoing, you're chatty. Corollary to that is the fists are chatty, the arms are friendly. They come out, you know? Yeah, I see what you mean. So they're almost like a kind of stereotype we would have more of maybe a Spaniard, an arrogant Spaniard. Ah, yeah, passionate. kind of stereotype we would have more of maybe a Spaniard, an arrogant Spaniard, boastful, passionate in love and fighting and war.

Whereas a Londoner is unlikely to start a fight for the same reason he's unlikely to say hello on the tube, frankly. Yes, it means that you acknowledge that another Londoner exists and they have to acknowledge you exist. And that's the opposite of why we're all in London. That's right. We're all in London to be undercover police around each other. Yeah, a fight is too community-spirited for a Londoner, to be honest.

And that's why all the fights in London happen within communities. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to know each other already. You have to know each other already. I was walking through Angel in North London and I noticed there was a bunch of flags around and they weren't even flags I recognized and I'm a flag guy, Phil. You're one of the flag guys. I'm a flag boy. I'm not a vexillologist, but I dabble. And these flags, I was like, what is that?

What is that flag? And later on in the day, there were like four police helicopters flying over the borough. So I was like, what the fuck? And I looked on Twitter and a big sort of stick wielding mob of Eritrean people, whose flag it was, it turns out, were attacking a big mob of Ethiopian people Outside of like the Ethiopian or Eritrean consulate, which is in Islington. It turns out. It's just like a house. Oh And they were having like a big mob fight thing There was a protest that became a fight and it was like it was pretty big like

But the only people involved were the people from the communities involved. There's no overspill in London Yeah, it's in these weird silos where it's like, you can almost imagine them going to like, I don't know, a random like Greek Cypriot guy, she'd be like, oh, sorry, excuse me, I just need to hit the guy behind you. He's from Ethiopia. So whereas I feel like in other global cities, if there's a big riot with people attacking each other, it just kind of involves everyone. Yeah, you look like at America and the riots are break out there. If you're just, if you're in the throng, you're part of it. Welcome. Like you're either fighting the

mob or you're in the mob. That's it. Welcome. This is happening now. Whereas in London, it seems like people sort of go, well, that seems like their business. So you've now got me looking up the Eritrean flag. Yeah. Eritrean flag. How would you describe it? Oh, it's fun. It's fun. It's okay. So there's a red triangle going from a wide base left to point right. And in that triangle is a wreath with another plant growing up the middle of the wreath.

And then on the remaining space, the red triangle is left. On the top is a green triangle and the bottom is a blue triangle. Yeah, so it's three triangles. Green, red and blue triangles. Sky blue, quite distinctive. And then yeah, some sort of weird, weird kind of laurel wreath plant thing made of gold on the... Laurel, that's what I meant. You look at it and you think it's definitely not Europe.

Yes. Yeah. But I would not straight away go Africa. I would think there's something kind of, there's something Southeast Asian about it. There's something there's something Southeast Asian about it. There's something Southeast Asian or Central Asian about it. Cause the golden kind of wreath thing on the red triangle makes you go former communist. You could, Oh, perhaps.

Yeah. It's a bit hammer sickly. It's a bit hammer sickly. Um, and yes, there's the, the sky blue is very popular with the various stans. As in fans, big fans of flags? No, the stan countries, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan. I'm a flag stan. I'm a flag stan. I'm an Uzbekistan stan.

Uzbekistan just means a big fan of the Uzbeks. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a very self-obsessed name for a country, because they're all just saying they're big fans of themselves. But yeah, I... Stan, is Stan the old Persian for country? Is that where it's from? Land of, I believe. Land of. Because countries are only like a post 1700s thing, you know. Sure, sure, sure. I mean, conceptually, the meaning of country.

So they would just be like, oh, you know, something stand like, you know, the place where they are, those guys. Yeah, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan. Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan. Bud Pod needs to do a tour of the stands. Bud Pod live stand tour. We could drink fermented mayor's milk live. How's the mayor giving us his milk? Is the mayor a man or a lady? That changes it. Yeah, I think we've got a lot of PodBud fans out in Tash Kent.

You never know. Where's Tash Kent? Where is Tash Kent? It's in one of the stands, I think. Where have I pulled that from? It's the Tash Garden of England. Where's Pakistan? It's the capital.

Yes, there we go. Tash Kent! That's a good name. We could get an email from someone called Tash from Kent. Yes, yes, yes. This is in from Tash Kent. Tash comma Kent. Where is the... I wonder if in Glasgow there's recreational fighting. I still feel like there's not. I still feel like people do their best to avoid it because of how serious it might be.

Whereas like the Geordie is I think... Again, yeah, Glasgow. I think obviously there are really rough parts of Glasgow where that sort of thing is common. But for the most part, Glasgow is a pretty erudite cosmopolitan city as far as, you know, from my experiences. Centre. But then yeah, I guess I'm always in the center. You're always in the center. Because you're a little center. I'm able to say it's the best part of Glasgow. Glasgow.

Glasgow, Scotland. Glasgow. I'm trying to work on the hands. You've got to do a lot of like, pinching. Yeah. But then there's this kind of, there's this, there's a single hand thing he does, which is brings a single hand into the center. Yeah, he's very sassy as we've, as we've discussed. Single hand to finger point to get. I was discussing with with your friend and mine, Alex Keighley, who I'm living with, your friend and mine, Alex Keighley, who I'm living with, comedian Alex Keighley. Excellent. Great comedian.

Trump's speaking style is nominally very conciliatory. So even though he's not a conciliatory person, he's obviously a loon. But he says maybe, I don't know, could be a lot of other people are saying it, not for me to say, well, that's a shame. It's very- There's a lot of softening language. Yeah. There's a lot of softening, which you don't notice until you look at it written down. But if he has someone who says, this guy's a disgusting fascist, he'd be like, well, that's a shame. We could have been great. We could have done something together. That's a real shame. And obviously, that's like mob talk. He's like, well, that's a shame. We could have been we could have been great. We could have done something together. That's a real shame. And obviously, that's

like mob talk. He's like, Yeah, it's a shame. Maybe you should go on a trip. Like, what he means is, I'm going to fucking kill you or whatever. But his style is very conciliatory. And that's where I think someone like JD Vance is going to be bad for him, because JD Vance is aggressive. And he's saying these people are fucking idiot. Like he's really, he's, he's, he's an asshole. He comes across as an asshole. I was reading Helen Lewis as I often am. And she's, she's writing about how, especially after Biden's dropped out, JD Vance might've been a terrible pick because he is not a candidate who's going to bring in the fence sitters over Donald Trump. He is there to galvanize the base, right? He's there

to thrill the edge lords who are already going to vote for Trump anyway. And when Biden is voting, that's probably a safe enough bet. But Biden is running, that's probably a safe enough bet. But now the problem with Vance is that he is a troll. He's a troll as well as Trump is, but he isn't camp or funny. Trump is camp and funny. And he's a troll in real life the way he's like an online troll. He's too online. He's got internet brain. Yeah, right. Whereas Trump is calling his opponent things like Sleepy Joe.

It's like a name from a Looney Tunes cartoon or WWE. Whereas JD Vance is just out there saying, women who don't have children can't be trusted. Well that's not funny. It's like when you see an edgy comedian try and follow a different, better edgy comedian. Right, yeah. The first guy comes on and he's very dark and horrible, but he gets away with it because of his performance tricks. And the second guy goes, I can do that and goes up and just goes, I fucking hate women who don't have kids, they can't be trusted. And the whole crowd goes, oh, oh, who the fuck is this? It doesn't work. It just does not work because it I hold my hands up.

I was wrong about making fun of JD Vance for being a hillbilly, but it turns out I was right about making fun of them. And instead of people have been pointing out this week how much more effective it is to instead of saying that the Trump and JD Vance are scary because that actually builds them up. You say they're weird. Right. Right.

So Kamala Harris has started calling JD Vance a creep, which is really funny. But it's getting a lot of traction. Just go look at this creep. They have sex with a cow. It's a creep. It's so dumb. But it works. Yeah. It works. It's fun. It's funny. Maybe it might turn out that Kamala Harris might be the ideal candidate because she also speaks weird. In her own way, she speaks weird. The governor of Idaho was like, these guys are weird. Like he literally just said, Republican candidates are just, they're weird, man. These guys are really weird.

And you could feel the public going, they are weird. Hey, like you can feel it happening. It feels like, I don't know, maybe it'll work, but they're fucking weird. And it's way better to point out. Cause if you say that fascist is scary, that's what he wants, you know? Right. Exactly. That makes them powerful. If they're scary, they must be powerful. Although I feel like JD Vance is less scary from the offset because he has a bestselling memoir. How scary can you be with a memoir? I mean, look, Hitler had a memoir too, I guess. But, yeah, that's true. But I don't think it was a New York Times bestseller. I don't think it was like a darling of the left is memoir. No, I don't think Hitler was doing the Heyon Wai Festival.

I don't think Hitler was sat with one leg over the other being interviewed by Krishnaguru Murthy or something. Do you think Hitler would have done his own audiobook? I reckon he would have. Oh, that's interesting. It would be loud. It would have been a loud audiobook. Yeah, people go, Jesus Christ, take their headphones off a lot.

He keeps smacking the microphone with his hands in the studio. God, people on the train wincing and you go, oh, you're listening to the new Hitler. You could tell. Someone opposite you going, oh, and putting their head volume down to go up. Someone's listening to Hitler. Oh, is that the new Hitler? Talking to someone on the tube reading. How is it? Is it mad? It's mad. On the omnibus. On the omnibus. Yeah. Yeah. He'd read it. Yes, he definitely read it because he was doing his own speeches, but he did have, from the German point of view, a pretty solidly Austrian accent.

Like he did sound funny to them. Right. I had some German friends growing up who were like, they were surprised that we couldn't tell how crazy he sounded. I mean, obviously he sounds crazy in terms of the screaming and the hitting the lectern and stuff. But like, Oh, your friend, with fun or whether you thought Hitler sounded weird. No, no, no. So my German friends were like, Can you hear his mad accent? Oh, I see. Because he rolls his Rs and normal Germans like that's an Austrian thing or something

or maybe a South German thing. Whereas the standard Hochdeutsch, you don't roll the Rs. Hochdeutsch? Hochdeutsch, yeah. High German or mainstream German. Vanilla German. Because German dialects are so strong that they have to choose... RP, the German RP. It's even down to the vocabulary though. Because if you go to like Swabia and speak Swabish, it's like different words. Like it's completely... The language is completely divided at that level So they just had to go. Okay. This is the German now same thing the Italians had to

But he's there. Oh, yeah Like he's really rolling his eyes like a fucking weirdo like it's like if you had the Prime Minister Keir Starmer Just being like we're going to we're going to change planning reform like just Renationalize the rails. Railways. Why is he doing that? What an insane way of talking. Well, speaking of insane ways of talking, it's time for some correspondence.

We interrupt this episode for a special announcement that isn't an advert. Hello, PodBuds! Bud Pod Live is happening on September the 25th at the Leicester Square Theatre. And this is your warning. I am warning you for the last time and first time that if you do not come to Bud Pod Live, it will not be on the main feed. We will upload Bud Pod Live to the Patreons, but it will not be available on the main feed. We will upload Bud Pod live to the Patreons But it will not be available on the main feed So if you want to hear what the hell we're talking about you've got to be a patron or you got to be there In person and they're really fun. We do little sketches. We have a little chat. We talked to the audience

It's a good old time So book your tickets now go on the Leicester Square Theatre website to do that. Link in the episode description. Also, we are giving away two tickets to Bud Pod live. All you have to do to enter is to follow Bud Pod official on Instagram and comment under our most recent reel, the phrase, I'm going to Bud Pod live because, and then just give us a reason why you're going to Bud Pod live. We will pick our favorite and we will give you two free tickets to Bud Pod live on September 25th at Alessa Square Theatre.

Just give us a reason. Just give us a reason. See you there. So this is from JJ. JJ, hey hey JJ. Hey hey JJ. Dear Pierre and Philippe, long time pod bud and new book owner finally writing in. Thank you for buying my book, JJ. And for those of you, for those of you lazy bones who still haven't bought the hardback or the ebook

or listened to the audio book, which is read by me and Phil's on it as well doing bonus content interview. Please get on that. It is, we've passed the first week of sales which is very good, important statistically. Now we've passed the first week of sales, which is very good important statistically now We're into the the second week the first week and the second week are the most important So please get on it, please Or they'll pulp the whole thing and they'll make me watch

So That's from Sin City, isn't it? That's right. He made me watch. Jason eats her hand. Yes. I often say that when I laugh at something I know I shouldn't laugh at. It made me laugh. It made me laugh!

Anyway, long time, but a new book owner finally writing in like an earlier correspondent or correspondee. I also had little to submit during the era of colonization. I don't know. I know it shouldn't but makes me laugh every time. It makes me laugh. He laughs. Having only shit myself under comfortable, lone at home, near shower settings. From COVID I'll have you know. If anything, having heard so many carrier bag, wet shoes, horror stories or Bud Pod, I felt a little smug. Anywho, annoying things. I have to say, I share the rumpled sleeve undercoat sleeve issues you mentioned in the book. Awful.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's when you have a jacket on, or a jumper on, but the underlying shirt is... the sleeves are all bunched up underneath. Yeah, or the sleeve is just bigger than the jumper sleeve. Like wider. Yeah, there's always rumple. Yeah, rumples in there. The caressing of the inner sleeve repulses me so much, no amount of telling myself it's okay can stop me ripping the fucking coat off to stop it touching me where it doesn't usually touch. Blah. Very good. But that aside, I'm annoyed irrationally by people who stop their cars to let me cross the road or pull out if driving. Oh, that is irrational. That's interesting. Yeah, I'm

not talking about a mile of traffic where there's no chance of crossing without a kind soul helping out. No, I'm talking about when it's the only car on the road. When if it just drove on, it would be out of my fucking life in five seconds. Instead, it spends 30 seconds slowing down, hovering, flapping an arm. See, I get it now. I get it. Flapping an arm. As are the drivers. Get across, get across.

And it's like, well, if you just drove past me, I'd just walk across, because the street's empty. I would have no need for your generosity, stranger, had you simply driven on. You are abandoning a wound you have yourself created, you fool. That's what I'd shout. And then there's pressure, then you're rushing, aren't you? Yeah, and you've got to do that little skippy run. You've got the little skippy thank you run. Yeah. Da-da- da, waving an arm.

I hate it so much, I now time my crossing to avoid this. If a car is coming, I stop, turn the other way, and do anything to look like I'm not about to cross. I think I've done that before. That's funny. To turn your back on the road, like a shameful... If there's a zebra crossing, and there's only one car coming, I will kind of spin on my heel. I'll grand pass Simpson a little bit. Whoop.

Let the car pass and then I'll go, because I want to take my lovely time. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's good. And I'm not going to lie on many occasions when there is a stopper, I walk the other way or I go around the back of it.

That's funny. Hmm. Mainly I should add because I've usually got a dog or two with me and weirdly enough I don't want to encourage my dogs to walk out in front of vehicles. That's a training aspect to it Another at the weekend at a park run a 30 to 40 minute 5k run I had to up my pace to avoid spitting man. Oh spitting man Yeah,, spitting man. Yeah, those guys who spit while they run. You know, you know, the spitters, the footballers on TV are often being

criticized for doing it. Yes, they do the whole nose thing as all this blowing it out the nose. Yeah. Seriously, what medical problem necessitates the expulsion of saliva every 90 seconds? My mouth is dry as a bone! Exactly, aren't you thirsty? Don't you want to keep it in? What causes you to salivate during a run? Thinking of steak at the halfway point?

I chose to speed up to a guy whose breathing sounded less like a hooting owl as the lesser of two evils. And men, you swallow saliva all day. You do it when you eat when you drink It's a constant flow of mouth juice into the digestive system. Why the desperate need to eliminate this during the slightest exercise I'm sick of stopping my dogs stepping into flemmy pools And finally you open the floodgates here the holiday advert with the hand holding you know it He's holding the camera and she's grinning like a maniac holding his hand as they step off the plane, go to dinner and run to the beach. Oh, she's ahead of him. She's ahead of him and her arm is going backwards. We're seeing it from the boyfriend's perspective, right? Yeah, it's POV, you're the boyfriend and this complete Manic Pixie Dream girl lunatic is dragging you various places.

Yes, yes. She's got a straw hat on and she's constantly walking off the plane. It's always cutting. Then it's on the beach. She's constantly like Thailand, I guess. She's constantly looking back and laughing. She's constantly looking at your face going ha ha ha ha ha. We're just getting off the plane. How happy can she be that she has to take the impetus with everything? She's always dragging this guy. He's clearly never as interested as she is. He's always lagging behind.

He's being dragged. Sorry, but how sweaty are those hands? How needy are they? And who the fuck is carrying the luggage? It makes me want to scrape my palms clean I also hate this song, but I can't remember if I've always hated it or hate it from the advert Holding hands is vile as you know, I agree and that's in the book my hatred of holding hands Isn't the song if the song is always is it a clean bandit song? Yeah

Oh, are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? Yuck. Yeah, that's the holiday hand holding song. Clean Bandit. We were at uni with them. Weirdly we were, yeah.

And they were even clean back then. They were clean thieves. Sparkly little thieves smelling of roses. I'd also like Phil's financial loss sympathy. So this is a... Thank you! For small amounts of money. Yes, but she, she, I think

it's a she, he JJ wants it from you. She wants you to feel it on their behalf. Oh, okay. So this is a story that will appeal to my financial sensibilities. Yep. This week I use the supermarket scanners you shop system. Oh yes, I've never tried that but you get a little sort of laser gun at the start of your shop and you go around, bleep bleep bleep, yeah. I scanned something but decided to put it back and unscanned it but still got charged for it and didn't notice until I was home. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo What was it? I don't know, but I'm hoping offloading this will stop me thinking about the £1.85p as soon as I wake up. That's too much.

That's too much to pay for. It's nothing. That's a horrible amount to pay for nothing. I hate that. You've really been overcharged for your nothing there. Yeah, that's terrible. Love the pod. Love the book.

I'm savoring it. Thank you, JJ. That's very kind. And Koji brackets, thank you for the book. It has provided some reassurance as it's much nicer to feel part of team ASD rather than a social outcast and oddity. Yes. ASD, ASD, ASD. That's what I'm gonna say.

Are you saying that like USA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four more years of autism. And then four more after that until I'm dead. yeah, yeah. Four more years of autism. And then four more after that, until I'm dead. It keeps going. That's part of it. A-S-D. Yeah.

RADs test 90 to 110, depending on how I answer it. So I'm not sure, but I think I am. Well, you're over the threshold, JJ. So as far as I'm concerned, you're in the gang. You're in the gang. Welcome to the gang. Welcome to the gang. I do need to do one of them tests. I'll send you the rads are and see how you do. Rad's are Yeah, is it called?

Yes. Okay. I'll send you the link to a to a good one. A good website. Embrace hyphen autism calm if you're listening and you're interested. More about it in the don't embrace autism if they don't like physical contact. Yes, that's true. If you don't like hugs, don't embrace them. A pathetic annoyance, Phil, now from Mark. Mark, what a lark. What a lark is Mark. His pathetic annoyance is cafes that serve you, for example, a lovely slice of a gooey chocolate cake on

a plate. But it is on top of a completely unusable already chocolate stained napkin. So there's the plate. They put the square napkin on the plate and they put the cake onto a piece of paper. Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? I hate that. I hate it. Because the napkin is there for like birthday parties or something where you've run out of plates. That's what the napkin is for. Yeah.

Also, now there's like, often there's bits of paper sticking to the ass of the cake now. Like it can tear. Yeah. Yeah, I've never understood the logic of that. I think it's meant to look nicer. They're going, oh, this is fancy. We've kind of slightly fucked up your cake. Oh, thank you. This is quite cute. We've ruined your day. We've put a lit candle inside your omelette. It's like a birthday. Isn't that fancy? No.

Birthday egg. Birthday egg egg here's your birthday egg make a regret once make a regret not a wish you don't get a wish it's your birthday egg make a regret and you get no other napkin so I can either not wipe my mouth or wipe it with something already covered in cake. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's the waste of resources as much as the lack of usefulness. They might as well be literally buying boxes of paper napkins and throwing them directly in the bin. I agree. I agree. I hope the mention of chocolate stains isn't too close to the dark days of colonization. No, no, we'll have to allow chocolate.

Yeah. Yeah. Co-G hard. We aren't that absolute yet. Yeah. No, it hasn't got to that level of decolonization. Um, and then we just have time for some, uh, Pompeii graffiti from Steven. Oh, Steven, even Steven's got some correspondence for us. Have you been to Pompeii?

No. I've been. And I don't know how they all got like that. Nothing to do with me. I'd love for you to go to Pompeii. Go to Pompeii and gesture at all the sort of frozen concrete bodies and go, how did they get like this? The hell happened here? How did they get like this? How did they get like this? Like you're the only guy who doesn't know in advance what Pompeii is about because every time goes well,

of course with Pompeii you go there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, I haven't been no spoilers. I'm going spoilers. I haven't been you turn up and you go, oh, And you turn up and you go, Oh, how'd they get like this? Oh, are they dead? Brother. Oh, brother. Oh, brother. So Steven says, Hola, I'm sure you were made aware of the social media of Pompeii, brothel graffiti.

So yeah, there's a lot of brothels in Pompeii and there's a lot of graffiti on the brothels. Okay. Maybe Pierre's more aware than Phil because of his love of history, not his love of brothels, although I will not shame a man. I like that. That's funny. Here's some funny ones.

Restituta says, restituta, take off your tunic please and show us your hairy privates. Someone is saying this is a restituta? Yes. Don't say yes, like it makes sense. It's a very kind request. Very civilized. The house of Kytherist below a drawing of a man with a large nose. This is written.

Amplicatus. I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salveus wrote this. Well, okay. Is this a joke or is this just like slander? It's graffiti. It's just like, you know, like when you write on the wall, like so and so, so and so sucks dogs or whatever. Like it's, you know. And they actually are referencing Icarus? Well, it's a name. It's a name.

Oh, it's not like he made those wings out of wax so he could fly away from his buggering accusations, you know. Wowee. So yeah, so it's just like, it's like just libel on them, on the walls. Yes, yes. That's what graffiti is, isn't it? There's lots of quite arrogant, sexy graffiti. Here's one from a gladiator barracks, that's cool Wow, that's cool Floronius privileged soldier of the seventh Legion was here The woman did not know of his presence only six women came to know too few for such a stallion Wow Wow

That's great Little barracks bragging. Yeah, yeah. And then there's also lots of... Locker room talk. Here's a locker room talk. Here's one that I like. Theophilus, don't perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog. Come on, Theophilus. Dogs don't perform oral sex. Dogs are not thoughtful enough to perform oral sex.

That's true. Yeah, that's true. I've never seen a dog eating out another dog. It would be horrible. Disgusting. They look like they might, though. But then they're just sniffing. Yeah, but they're very well equipped to,

which makes the fact that they don't all the more tragic. But I've never seen it. Never seen it. Never seen it. They don't do it. People are saying the dogs are eating each other out. They could do it. It's right there. They could do it. But they don't. Yeah, there's loads of good stuff here. I recommend guys looking up the Pompeii Graffiti. There's a lot of really good shit. looking up the Pompeii Graffiti, there's a lot of really good shit. And buy my book, please, and come see me in Edinburgh.

These are the commercial offerings. Yes, go see Pierre at the Edinburgh Fringe if you're going up. These are the offerings. Thank you very much, guys, for tuning in. Patreons, we will speak to you on Friday, Friday 5 o'clock. Yes, cheers guys. Much love to you all. Remember to follow Bud Pod Official on Instagram for reels and updates on the podcast.

And on TikTok. And on TikTok. Everyone's favorite. Everyone's favorite. Mind scrambling. Alright, until next time folks. Much love to you all and Koji to you a lot. Bye bye!

Bye!