BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 28 - Premium Beef Snack

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

Premium Beef Snacks! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie talk biltong and agree to The Greatest Wager Of All Time – The Great Mouth Noise Wager! Pierre and Phil discuss Japanese Voldemort, the awful tweeness of Lin Manuel Miranda, and some great poopy correspondence. Get in touch! [e-mail] or @theBudPod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 28. 28. What is the significance of 28? It's one of the non-numbers, really. Is that... I have it in my head that 28 is some kind of mathematical... Wasn't there 28 of something? Is it biblical, maybe? All the Bible numbers are like 12, 7, and 3. Yes. And it kind of stops at 12, because I think they don't really have the mathematical devices at hand.

Can't be on that. No big abacuses. No, no abacai for them lot. Maybe twenty-eight, is that... I guess it means you've avoided dying at twenty-seven? Yeah, yeah, so well done. So, yeah,

two-edged sword, really. You weren't culturally significant enough to die at 27, but you're also still alive, so every cloud. I guess the next big death age is 33, Jesus death age. Yep, Jesus age. That's the Jesus number. I don't think the... I remember reading some long article about the 27 club and

how it's like partially just because once someone points it out you're super aware of it and also partially because it's like if you get really if you start to get really big musically at say 20 that's how long it takes to be a success and and for it to break your brain right like roughly seven years but why then then 20 becomes a significant number oh yeah but yeah but you can't necessarily pinpoint like when someone starts to become big but like if you're famous for like five or six years like that's the craziest thing someone was saying i don't know a lot about the beatles at all i don't even really know their music for various reasons. I know the ones everyone knows. But...

Oh, but they're so good, Pierre. I've heard. I've heard nothing but good things about the Beatles. They were like done being the Beatles

before they were fucking 30. Yeah, I mean, the time on the world stage was really only what? Seven, nine years? Yeah. Certainly wasn't a decade. And like,

they went through all these changes and had this extraordinary career in a pretty short period of time. Yeah, it was just the right nine years. Oh. Yeah, I mean... Swingin' 60s and all that shit.

I think I've been a stand-up longer than they were the Beatles. Just put that on a poster. Bloody hell. Yuck. I've outstood up the Beatles. Speaking of Being late Sorry that this podcast is late everyone

Yes, apologies Apologies Philip was busy Smuggling Biltong out of a green room Yes, we're currently snacking on Biltong I was filming A TV panel comedy show yesterday, two days ago, and they do good green room snacks at this show.

They got some mamoula. Some what? Mamoula. They got money over there, and every green room. I thought mamoula was a food. You just don't know these days it might be Mamula? it sounds like something

Otolenghi would make yes there's Baba Ganoush and there's Shikshaka and there's Mamula if you said to me which of those three is real if I didn't know

if I hadn't spent a few years in London now if I was still a provincial rube I would have gone, I have no idea. I've heard of baba ganoush on the Simpsons. They all sound like aubergine. They all sound very baked in a tray. But this place, this show does really good green room gift snacks.

So many that I couldn't fit them in my bag. I looked like I was stealing them. But one of them was a little pack of biltong, the traditional South African beef jerky. And I thought I'd bring it here today to share with the jerkiest friend I have at the end of the day.

The biggest jerk I know. Is there... Would you... Would there be a way for it to be offensive for that to happen for the national food? Like, are you lucky I'm white? Oh. Like if you'd done this without telling me, because you were texting me from the green room about the biltong.

But if you'd just shown up and gone, this is what you eat. I got this from the green room. I think it's not because you do talk about it. Yes, I do. I famously love beef. Yeah. I think if it had come out of nowhere and just gone, ah, you'd like this. I feel like I bought you some rice rice i know how much you like rice well i mean that wouldn't be

absolutely fine because to be fair if it was really fancy ass rice you'd probably be pretty stoked about that uh what's the fanciest rice well i got like a big old bag of japanese sticky rice that was kind of fancy and i hated it it wasn? No, it wasn't for eating my kind of dishes with. I need just kind of standard jasmine long grain rice. Wasn't that sticky? Really, really sticky. So we're talking like porridge levels? No, it's like the kind of rice you have with chicken katsu curry.

It works with that, I guess. It's really stodgy and sticky and salt grain. Polished? Yeah, not for me. And what's bad about it is that it doesn't cool nicely, which means you can't make good fried rice out of it. Yes, you can't reuse it in a delicious way. Yeah, which is part of the treat.

Anyway, so I brought some biltong. It's good stuff. I was very skeptical, listeners, because the packet says BBQ on it. And whenever someone tries to add extra flavoring to biltong that isn't just some chili or some garlic it tends to go quite badly but this has worked almost purely because the barbecue flavor if it's in there i can't taste it it also on the bottom says premium beef snack which um sounded some of pierre's alarms yeah as if they like just to reassure people like don't put the word biltong too big on the packet.

It makes people go, a bull... When I was growing up and I'd say to people, do you want biltong? They'd go, a bull's tongue? Oh, no! And they'd be really nervous and freaked out. And they'd go, how is it cooked? And I'd be like, it's not cooked.

It's dried. It's dried. And they'd go, is that safe? And I'd go, well, I'm alive. I mean, do you want to fucking eat it or not well it's because this is a british company is the side of making built on they need to tell people what it is yeah and i guess you can't just put beef snack on it either you gotta put some sort of qualifying adjective before that if you put just beef the british consumer would assume that that's

the flavor yeah which is vegan yeah usually. Yeah, beef. So beef snack, that's too weird. Premium beef snack. Beef snack sounds like a sex thing. He's a real beef snack. Actually, premium beef snack sounds even better. A premium beef snack is a beef snack with an income above a certain level, perhaps. Or gold cufflinks. And then right at the bottom it says high protein, as if we didn't know that about beef.

But on the whole, it's tasty. I like it. Have you seen that? That is the new thing, putting high protein as an advertiser on unhealthy foods. People have suddenly realized everyone's on this protein kick, this whatever. And companies have been taking advantage of people's nutritional ignorance, Philip, as ever. Yeah. And just putting high protein on packets of, you know, fucking...

We could put it on human flesh. Yeah. Or a lot of desserts. Yes. If it's the right kind of dessert. Sure. Cheers. If it's a premium beef dessert.

Cheers. Premium beef dessert. We're getting into... That's like Butterfield territory now Well before Another reason we couldn't quite get this out in time Was that I had to go to Sweden

Yes you went to Lund Comedy Festival Lund Comedy Festival In the south of Sweden How was that? It was a very nice lovely place Beautiful place Beautiful people. That's the thing people always say about Sweden and Scandinavia in general.

It's like, oh, the women are so beautiful. And like they are, but I realize not in the sort of supermodel, stick-thin kind of way. But they're beautiful in like a milkmaid kind of way. Like they drink really high quality dairy products right they're sort of rosy in the cheeks nourished very well nourished very taut skin incredibly shiny hair strong bones strong bones tall they look like they could kill you but they don't need to and of course we've discussed the aryan sort of blonde blue eyed obsession when we were talking when I was in Denmark

so that's in there as well they're also very straightforward at one point on one of the days I said to one of the ladies running it I'm just going to go and meditate and she said just completely seriously she said oh that's a very Asian thing to do

and I was like yeah I guess yeah you're right yeah and that's a very Asian thing to do. I was like, yeah, I guess, yeah, you're right. Yeah. And that's quite nice, isn't it? If you're dealing with like straightforwardness tends to be very attractive. Here it is. But I think there is sort of taken for granted.

Oh no, totally. Yeah. Oh yeah. What's interesting is that in the UK, straightforwardness is seen as quite attractive and good. And yeah, but we don't foster it.

No. Isn't that't foster it. No. Isn't that odd? Yeah. There's nothing better than someone with red shoes. Can I have red shoes? No, good heavens, it's rude. And it frustrates Europeans, right, how the English say one thing and... They always say almost,

not necessarily the opposite of what they mean, but minus 40% of what they mean, or the exact opposite. But you're not sure which is which until it's too late. Yeah, England must be to Europe like a sort of sexist 90s caricature of a woman.

You know? It's a mystery to me. Well, if you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you what I mean. Yes, or like a't know then I'm not going to tell you what I mean. Yes, or like a nation founded by the Riddler. Just a nation of... Maybe that's why

the British... Because the British are famous puzzle enthusiasts. Oh, I didn't know this was famous. Crosswords invented by the British. Things like that. Riddles and things. Even Anglo-Saxons had riddles. It's the kind of thing you come up with if you're stranded on a desert island, I suppose. If you're bored enough and the weather's bad, you'll come up with crosswords eventually.

Yeah. It's very Japanese that the Japanese version of the crossword is just numbers. I think we've discussed this before about the different words for Voldemort in different Harry Potters. I don't think we have. this before about the different words for Voldemort in different Harry Potters? I don't think we have. So, spoiler alert for anyone who has no idea about Harry Potter, but of course you do. Harry Potter's real name is Tom Riddle. Sorry, Voldemort's real name was Tom Riddle. And his full name was Tom Marvelo Riddle. And there's a point where it becomes important that that's an an where it... It's just stupid books. It is, yeah. But there's a point where it becomes important

that that's an anagram of I am Lord Voldemort. Right? That's how he came up with his spooky I'm going to be a serial killer name. Okay. In the books. So his original name was an anagram of... That's how he picked the name Voldemort.

Right. In the books. So he went through his name and he went, oh, look what I can make out of my name I can make out the words I am lord And then this random combination of left over letters Which I suppose would be my name now Divelytrod? Nah that's not

That sounds like a Yeah he would have done it with like I am lord Divelytrod And he'd be like ah that sounds like a gnome That's the most unscary way to come up with your name Carefully yeah The scariest person, the scariest villain in a book would have no name. They're too busy murdering.

People would just have to have different names for, it's that guy again. Yeah, not to be so idle, you have the time for word puzzles. Unless you're in scary jail, then okay. Yes, yes, yes. Then you're like, I spent so much time in scary jail, I've done this name thing. Right. But up till then, you want to be so busy murder in scary jail i've done this name thing right but up

till then you want to be so busy murdering that everyone just has to be like i call him the the gringler i call him the cloud you know your your enemies have to come up with your name right it's that guy again the murdering guy no it's him oh no it's that guy which guy you know the guy i mean um anyway the point is yeah that's an anagram yes but this this this brings up some problems philip when you're publishing harry potter in portuguese or french or german of course where's the foresight rowling that's right rowling um so you have to have now lord vo Voldemort's real name now has to be an anagram of Je suis Monsieur Voldemort or whatever it is for the French one.

Right. Etc, etc. That's funny. But so they had to come up with all these different little Voldemort equations for all the different books. But except for the Japanese version. Okay. Because in the Japanese language anagrams aren't possible. Yes. So they just had to leave it as it was in the

English version, and then put a footnote in, explaining what an anagram was, and that in English this weird thing happens to be possible. Could you not do it with the individual hiragana sounds? Because the sounds would then mean new words. Right, but that's what letters

do anyway. Yeah, but you can't like They just have no concept of anagram They just Yeah It would be too They would go, well that doesn't work Yeah, sure

I guess it's not really an anagram culture Because they aren't really They're not letters No, but they are They are sort of Block-like syllables That you can move around. There's an alphabet of sorts.

Yes. So you could move things around. But I think it's more of a conceptual thing. I guess it doesn't make any sense to them. I think there's... I'm going to look it up because I thought there was also some kind of actual linguistic problem with it. Although it would be amazing if the idea of an anagram was introduced to the nation of Japan through fucking Harry Potter. Everyone's just going, have you heard about this?

You can jumble it around. And just like two days later, it's like chaos in all of Japan. People are just like burning things and it just becomes a lawless archipelago. What happened? They tore it all apart. Our language, nothing means anything anymore. Pour it all apart. Our language. Nothing means anything anymore.

They said, they like riots where everyone's swapping letters around on signs. That used to say supermarket. But what does it say now? Paquette Masu. What is a Paquette Masu? So apparently they did it in Chinese. But it says... I Feel harder in Chinese then. So Tom Riddle, in Japanese it says here, Tomu Ridoru.

Right, yeah. And then it says, the wordplay simply cannot be reproduced in Japanese. Right. I don't know. That sounds like a bunch of quitters to me. Maybe. Right, where's the Chinese mainland version? Yeah, they seem...

Oh no, in the Chinese one, they've also just done a footnote where they've gone, here's how this works. Yeah, I can understand that in Chinese, don't they? Well, on another fun linguistic note, in Sweden, kiss is puss. No.

Yeah, so when a lady said goodbye to her friend, she said, puss puss no yeah so when a lady said goodbye to her friend she said puss puss puss puss and I said what on earth did you just say

puss puss some of the give me a puss give me a puss give me a hugging puss puss on my cheek I'm gonna mute you eating biltong

into this microphone if you were to say I'm gonna bleep it like you're swearing on an American show. Awful. I'm going to say kiss my cat and you say puss my puss. Or indeed anything else. The Germans at my school were very amused that to say hello in Japanese when you pick up the phone you say mushi mushi.

Yeah, it's fun. Because mushi is German slang for... It's like saying pussy. Oh, is it? Yeah. Nice. Very serious Japanese businessmen would pick up the phone you say mushi mushi yeah it's fun because mushi is German slang for it's like saying pussy oh is it yeah so very serious Japanese businessman pick up the phone and go pussy pussy good on the Germans ladies and gentlemen we have a pact. This is like that Seinfeld episode where they all agree not to masturbate. Okay.

Well, yeah, in our little down period there, Per and I have made a sort of My Fair Lady-style challenge to each other. To both be more civilized. Yeah. Because, obviously, as we've established on the podcast, To both be more civilized. Yeah. Because obviously I have a, as we've established on the podcast, I take issue with Philip's saucy old mouth noises.

Yep. And Philip's not a fan of my big burps. Yeah. Which the recreation of which has made a lady vomit on this very pod. Yes. So it's not just me that you're burping at the ends. Well, this is it.

And so we have agreed that if i can be we propose a bet a gentlemanly bet we're just drinking here in our club uh listeners in paul mole uh near saint james's square and uh like phileas fog whose picture is on the wall we've proposed a bet uh that that I shall not be a burpy boy. So Pierre thinks he can hold off burping in front of me because he burped just now and it's gross. I did. And I said, oh, that's okay, is it?

But my chewing is not. So Pierre thinks he can hold off burping in front of me longer than I can hold off making chewing noises in front of him. And the game's afoot! I feel like Dr. Watson. I haven't found this alive in years, Holmes. I feel energized. So the game is on.

The game is on. I guess it's a wait. Now we wait and see. Now we play the mouth noise waiting game. Yes. This is a cold war of sorts. Yes. What's the equivalent of the Berlin Wall?

A napkin. The Burpin Wall. The Burpin Wall? That's Spangler Murbels. Was it alive when it fell? Oh, Spangler. Save us, Spangler. Yeah, please do save us, Spangler Murbels.

How are you enjoying this final season of the UK there, Pierre? Season final of the UK TV show? The writing's a bit crazy. It's a bit unbelievable, but it's fun. Turn it off and on again, please. Someone tweeted us alerting us to yet more turn it off and on again

shit patter. Oh, really? Yes. Who was it? I'll find that in a second but but more importantly what i wanted to talk about was something you sent me phil and now uh newer listeners to this podcast may not be aware but we famously have a problem with uh lynn manual miranda the um the originator and i presume billionaire of hamilton the musical yes yes uh and a presumed billionaire of Hamilton the Musical. Yes, yes.

Possibly the only person in history for whom the answer to the question, would this be better if everyone was rapping, is actually yes. That didn't work with rapping grannies in the late 90s. It didn't work with so many things. He looked at the period of american history in the sort of 30 years post-independence and he asked the question would this be better if everyone was rapping and bizarrely that yeah for that one thing yeah cleopatra no shakespeare terrible with rapping

don't do it this one thing hamilton he did it uh but on Twitter His Twitter presence is I'm going to say disgusting I'm going to say monstrous Yeah He's a monster Not like he's really prolific I mean he is prolific But not monstrous

Not a monster in that way He's a monster in that It's terrible It makes the world worse What he says on Twitter Yeah But I can't look away It's like a burning truck

Well Phil and I both have You and I both have an issue, I would say, with infantilizing people. Tweenus. Adult tweenus. Baby talk. That kind of thing. It just goes to show that no matter how much of a millionaire you become, you never stop being

a fucking musical dweeb. Fucking annoying little theater dweeb. Little waistcoats and sparkly shoes. So, listeners, here is a good example that Phil sent me of the kind of... It might be the worst one

he's ever done. This might be the motherlode. I found out the other day, motherlode is spelled mother L-O-D-E. Yeah. How about that? What the hell is that? It's from mining. It's like the main seam of a vein of... So it's not load in that sense? Yeah, no, it's load in the sense of like iron, I think, like your load star.

Wow. Something like that. Anyway, here's the tweet from Lin-Manuel Miranda that drove us over the edge. Aftermath is about mowing your lawn. It's about cutting grass. The aftermath is the smell and feel after you cut grass. Is it? Yeah, aftermath.

I did not notice. No, it's not interesting. What a nice surprise. Anyway, we've been putting this off. Sorry. Lin-Manuel Miranda's tweet. Good morning. You know it's going to happen, but you're never ready.

So it's all in capitals, and it's G-Morning in one word. Exclamation mark. Okay. Good morning! The greatest lyricist of our time here. Yep. Apparently. Missed you.

Full stop. That's a line all on its own, like a poem. Missed you. Also, good morning, I missed you. Since yesterday? Creepy. Also, you don't know me. You've never met me never met you have no idea who i am some of us are genuinely terrible people i could be a serial killer reading this yeah isis could be following you and gaining encouragement from your kind words good morning missed you you're incredible have you seen lin-manuel miranda he misses us

he is a brother of the cause. It says, we are incredible. Good morning to you too. The heart of the caliphate. You're right, I should chase my dreams. I guess statistically, if we're going to impersonate ISIS members, we should give them Birmingham or South London access. Yeah, that's true, to be fair.

To be fair. Have you seen what Lin-Manuel Miranda said about ISIS? My God, we've got no odds. No odds, are you? He thought we were so brilliant. Good morning. Missed you. You're incredible.

No, comma, not. And what he's done here is that thing that often very creepy people do where they put an asterisk around a phrase to indicate an action. Good morning. Missed you. You're incredible. No, not, asterisk, gestures at the world's terrors. So he's saying no, not, and then points at you know genocide and things so he's lin-manuel miranda is very keen that you don't think when he said good morning i missed you you're incredible he wasn't speaking to a genocide or the burning amazon rainforest or the burning amazon rainforest or that weird um that weird worm that lives in children's eyes

and lays eggs no not you no you, children's eye worm. You're not incredible. I didn't miss you. And everyone goes, oh, thank God. That was my first thought. Anyway. They press play on the Hamilton soundtrack again. Good morning. Missed you.

You're incredible. No, not gestures at the world's terrors. Missed you. You're incredible. No, not gestures at the world's terrors. Missed you. Out here doing your best. Failing. Getting back up. Finding the joy you need in the cracks in the timeline. Missed you. Missed you.

Missed you. Very hard to read these lines. Because there's no meaning that I can... Finding the joy you need in the cracks in the timeline. That's a sentence from a Doctor Who villain. Yes, yes. What timeline is he talking about? The timeline of terrors.

Let me say this with a different... Or the timeline of failing and trying again. Or just the humanities timeline. Sure. Let me say that last bit again. Now imagine I'm a guy in a Doctor Who episode and I'm trying to kill Doctor Who and I'm really evil and horrible.

Okay. Same words. Okay. Missed you. Out here. Doing your best. Failing. Getting back up

finding the joy you need and the cracks in the timeline missed you it's good isn't it horrifying it is horrifying how can he miss us is the kind of talk you'd get from I don't know like

a webcam model you know like a webcam model? You know, like a webcam sex worker? What was that TV channel? Babestation. Babestation. It's like Babestation on Twitter. Oh, I missed you.

You've never met... This interaction is completely one way. How can you miss me? I can miss you maybe, but you can't miss me. You don't know who I am. Our Lin-Manuel Mirandas are waiting for your call. They miss you maybe, but you can't miss me. You don't know who I am. Our Lin-Manuel Mirandas are waiting for your call. They miss you. They want to say good morning. Say good morning to one of our hot Lin-Manuel Mirandas today.

And then all the videos is very bright because it's always in the morning. Yeah, it's really. People are like, oh, having coffee. Like, what? You miss me? They're way too tired to deal with that level of positivity yeah yeah oh my and the replies are much worse philip have you seen them oh this is a reply from uh a lady just a normal lady asterisk inhales a deep breath of this

goodness these people deserve to fail. Asterisk again. Saves it for a good minute. So she's taking it like a bong hit. This is good shit. Yeah, you gotta inhale, Lin. And then, welcome back, maestro. Oh, welcome back.

He never stops tweeting. Welcome back. This optional website has missed you too. Calling Twitter a website is one of the worst. It's gross. It's really, really bad. Some of the replies to this, there's a lot of Disney gifs.

I will say, someone who's Twitter handle is Gay Rodney, which has made me laugh. Fair enough. There's just replies to that saying, please shut the fuck up. Oh, good on you, Rodney. Thank you, Rodney. Good for you, is Gay Rodney, which has made me laugh. Fair enough. It just replies to that saying, please shut the fuck up. Oh, good on you, Rodney. Thank you, Rodney.

Good for you, at Gay Rodney. Shut the fuck up. Good for you, girl. Shut the fuck up. Look, Rodney's gay and he doesn't have time for this, all right? He's fucking busy. Good morning. Shut it.

I'm Gay Rodney and I've got no time for this things to be getting on with lynn i'm busy lynn cut to the chase what how much money do you want this time that's how it's simpering isn't it good morning missed you can i have 20 bucks what does he want he has everything what does he want it just never leaves you this neediness i guess it never leaves you right do you think maybe it's like like because he's achieved everything you you could ever reasonably want to achieve that now he's like a king in a castle and he can see all the other people out there who are still as miserable as he was before and he's thinking i'll bestowow. My grace. Yeah, like if every morning at the gates to the palace, the king came out and kissed the head of one beggar to try and cure it of scrofula or lice or whatever.

And he'd be like, that's all for today, one of you. Missed you. Good morning. Good morning. Oh, there you all are, getting up, failing, getting up up again finding the joy you need in the cracks of your timelines well i missed you too little cracks in your little timeline i'm going to go eat some quails eggs yeah like a mad king maybe that's whatwee power. Twee power. The most dangerous power there is. Insidious. Sinister.

Someone sent us, I think it was disappointingly it was like Ian Rankin. Who is Ian Rankin? Ian Rankin, the author. What's he written? Has anyone tried switching politics off and on again? No. Yeah. Paper Rifles.

The cool band that follow us. The cool guys. They tweeted at us saying... Wait, that's not really what his book is called, is it? Huh? That's not really what his book is called. No, no, the Twitter account, Paper Rifles, is a cool band. Yeah, no, no, but Ian Rankin's book isn't actually called...

Have you tried... No, no, it's a tweet he did. Oh, bloody hell. And you replied saying, they need to switch this joke off and leave it off, which is very, very fair. But as Paper Rifles points out, even the greatest have their weaknesses.

Yeah. And Ian Rankin is a fantastic writer, but even he fell victim to this hacky, hacky joke of nonsense. I guess you can have these blind spots. Yeah. If you're on Twitter at all, how have you not seen that joke already like 20,000 times? Some people, and I think this must seem more weird to us because we're comedians,

some people have no joke memory at all. They really can't even remember who said a joke or how. You must have been in a conversation when a non-comedian tried to recount a joke. Sure. Well, I mean mean i've had people come up to me very pleasantly after a show and said oh i really like that joke we did where and then they get it wrong yeah and they've just you've just seen it yeah you couldn't have had less time to need to remember that for the the most panicking thing in the world is when they

come up to you and say i love the bit you just did about and they say a version of your joke but their version is morally abhorrent and it's what they took from it I've had people say not so much anymore but people say I love your racist jokes well no they're not racist jokes I love your racist jokes Phil

I love the bit of your show where you told me to kill my elderly mother that was my favourite bit right at the start where you came out and said good morning I said good morning you said good morning the start when you came out and said good morning i said good morning you said good morning missed you you when you came out and said good evening everyone thank you for coming to the show good evening i knew what you meant you meant go and

kill your elderly mother and i was so pleased to hear you say that anyway i'm off now Oh, good morning. I've missed you. I thought you might call. Mmm, that's right, it's me, Lin-Manuel Miranda, wishing you a good morning, a good afternoon, a good evening, and good night. But for now, tell me about your failures. Yeah, tell me about your failures yeah tell me about your little failures and how you pick yourself back up and all your little dreams it's nice to dream isn't it yeah we have to dream we dream when we go to bed when we say good night we go to bed and we breathe. And then we wake up and we say good morning.

We say good morning and we thank, we thank the stars for our day. And we thank the moon for our eyes. And we kiss each other on the cheeks. We don't kiss you, all the horrible things, nasty devils. We don't kiss the nasty devils. No, we say poo-poo to you, to them. We say poo-poo devils. Go away devils.

Don't touch my friend devils, they're my friend. And I say good morning to them. And then we go off and we live our dreams, don't we? We live our dreams and sometimes we fail but we pick ourselves back up. We pick ourselves back up we pick ourselves back up because we can do it again and we'll be better and because we are not defined by our failures we're defined by our good mornings and remember that the good night is always darkest before the good morning ring letters

emails emails phone your sister correspondence that's right correspondence um correspondence spondance spondance that's right the next um the next episode we release listeners listeners, is going to be another correspondence dinner special so that we can have a little week, a week of peace for ourselves because I'm obviously on tour with Frank Skinner and Phil is going up and down the country collecting packets of biltong from various green rooms.

Whether they want me there or not. That's right. The green room, the biltong burglar. That's what they call you, the beefy biltong burglar boy. That's lovely. The green room, the Biltong Burglar. That's what they call you, the beefy Biltong Burglar boy. That's lovely. Yeah. The beefy Biltong Burglar boy from Borneo. Yes, the

beefy Borneo Biltong Burglar boy. Yes. He's back. I would just like to say thank you to Aiden. Aiden got in touch. Aiden. He's Aiden-ous.

Yes, he is. With wonderful correspondence. He said, hey, PodBuds, I'm a latecomer to the Bud Squad, so I'm playing catch-up. I like Bud Squad. Bud Squad is nice, Aiden. Bud Squad's nice. Bud Squad. Listen up, Bud Squad.

Already contributing. So quickly. To the lexicon. Even though he's a latecomer. His impact. Wow. I just listened to episode 11 and I wanted you to let you know

that the video game sound effects were so accurate I fell into a wave of late 90s nostalgia oh your Age of Empires yeah Pierre's Age of Empires

villager sound effect was hauntingly accurate I'm gutted you didn't do any more like the I'm gonna do these sounds as you said like the sound the soldiers made

when they died it was really horrible or the trumpet sound that you played when you got attacked like that you go shit someone's poking a stone wall with a spear and will eventually somehow destroy it by setting it on fire because stone can burn down if a spear hits it enough it's physics uh anyway Anyway, love the pod. Thanks for... And then nice things, nice things, nice things, Aidan. I found out something about... People are lazy with their compliments now.

Yeah, they just say nice things, nice things. In square brackets. I found out something that Frank Skinner does on his radio show. He says, praise redacted. Oh, that's nice. When it's full of praise. Yeah. To stop himself reading it out.

Sure. So maybe we should steal that. Can you imagine an American doing that? My God, yeah. Hey man, you saved me from killing my dog. I love you. You guys are geniuses. That's what happens to British celebrities.

No one ever is nice to a British celebrity and they go over there and fucking Jesse from Breaking Bad calls you a genius and you go insane. Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand just over and over again people go over there and get called a genius

and go mad. Because it's never happened before. Yeah, because public approval in Britain is like a thin gruel. And they get over there and get fed hamburgers and they get bloated and syphilitic. They can't deal with it actually being liked um let's see uh helena gets in touch helena the correspondence that

launched a thousand hits yes or in this case a thousand shits oh Oh! It's poopy! Why didn't I go for shits first? That's much better. Dear PNP, I recently reconnected with an old friend and was reminded of my favorite childhood poo story. Yes. I wanted to share this with you as I thought it would give you a kick.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. No one is innocent in PNP. That's it. She put them in little quotes The innocent This old pal of mine was a quirky child Let's call them Charlie Charlie the quirky child One day when we were about eight or nine

We were climbing a tree in their garden Charlie announced that they needed a poo But rather than using the toilet in their house They ran towards a bush Okay, okay. When I asked why they weren't going inside, they simply said, I like doing it outside. Yes, Charlie.

Charlie, shit my finger. I like doing it outside. I wonder if that would wash with the police. Excuse me, sir, what are you doing that for in this park? I like doing it outside. Okay, sir, thank you. It's an Alamode poo. Not Alamode. Alamode? Is it Alamode? No, it's not.

No. Al... What's it? Alfresco. Alfresco poo. Horrible sounding. Alfresco poo. Alfresco poo. Al dente poo. Just a little hard. I wish. Mine are overcooked at the mo. I let the matter go and thought nothing of it for a long time.

That's what confidence can do for you, Phil. Yeah, also like childhood innocence. Maybe this is how the world works. Maybe if you like pooing outside, it's fine. Yeah, and also when you're a kid, absolutely nothing makes any sense. Yeah, also you're trying to poo everywhere. Yeah.

Many moons later, when we were in our late teens, they revealed that the story did not end there. Oh. Fascinated by science at the time, Charlie, the curious Charlie, kept track of the excrement's rate of decomposition

and recorded it by taking photos on a disposable camera. As a child? Yeah. Wow. Fair enough. The poo's gone away a bit more today. To be fair... It's the kind of thing I would have done, actually.

I was going to say, to be fair, when I was a kid, I was amazed at the fact that, like, you know when you're in, like, the woods or something and there's all leaves and twigs on the floor? Eventually, that's mud. Yeah. That what do you mean mud you're like what yeah but what is dirt you know there's stuff with rocks in you go yeah i know what rock is what's this gloop you go it all used to be leaves and dead badgers and stuff you go how how what are you talking about it's amazing yeah and people just go vaguely oh worms so fair enough to

charlie i'd say yeah i mean again sometimes you want to see the worms chew up them leaves you just want this this is the behavior of either someone who will grow up to catch serial killers or be one yes so uh uh uh and take uh charlie kept track of the excrement's rate of decomposition and recorded it by taking photos on a disposable camera. Charlie's mum took this camera to Booth's photo counter, along with some lovely holiday photos. When the photos came back, Charlie's mum called a family meeting

to ask which of her three children had taken the horrifying images. Charlie, the oldest child, owned up and innocently explained that they did it for science. Despite feeling a bit disturbed, Charlie's mum tried to be understanding and told them that it was great that they were so fascinated by the world and science as well, but perhaps this needed to be curbed into something more socially acceptable.

After the incident, they went to some more science museums and Charlie started a rock collection. Imagine if she brought Charlie to a science museum and it was like, the current exhibit, poo, feces, fecal matter. See? Poo and where to shit. Or just like... The history of shitting outdoors. Or just shit in the exhibit.

We're doing this fun thing where we're letting kids shit. I let my kids shit. Not even that, just any science museum. It's like, no, I don't want you doing this in the garden. But do a shit in the museum, and we'll take photos and come back. I remember said friend having a rock collection, but I had no idea it was to stop them

taking photos of their decaying turds. Charlie is a very bright person who is doing very well in life, but they did not pursue a career in science much further. They went down the humanities route instead, and Charlie's mum hasn't shown her face in that branch of boots ever since. All the best, Eleanor.

Fucking hell. I wonder what line of humanities one goes into after documenting your poo. That is... Water aid, perhaps. Water aid, sewage work. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog park.

Sanitization is very important. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. First marker of civilized society. We have a lovely message from... Sanitation, not sanitization.

Sorry. Sorry, listener. You're doing that American thing where they add syllables. My house was burglarized. Burgled. George Bush had a famous one, didn't he? Oh, yeah.

He had loads of that shit. What I can't stand is people saying, oh, the prime minister must be feeling very pressurized. Was he in a small metal canister, like a gas that's now liquid? Did people say that? Even newspapers and proper journalists say pressurized now. And you say, what was wrong with pressured?

Yeah. It's peer pressure, not peer pressurization. Yeah. That's my tedious complaint anyway. So, Joey gets in touch and uh joey your email is one of the nicest emails i think we've ever gotten but we can't read it out because it will just be it would just be us jacking it well i would like to read it later yes uh she says dear buddy polly's what a time to be alive and explains that in March of this year she stumbled across your Centrum

Vitamin parody of Tom Hiddleston posted by, she says, a funny little man I'd never laid eyes on What, me? That's you, yeah. I'm not little! I'm six foot one. He's a big boy Thank you. People are always surprised that you're a big boy Always surprised, which is both

a compliment and a sort of insult. It was Philly Philly Wang Wang, alongside the most well-spoken South African in all the land, because she found the podcast link. Oh, great, yeah. So it's good to know that sort of thing does work. It does work, yeah.

And now she's at 19 weeks later, and she's in, she's an addict to Bud Pod. Yeah, that Centrum video is a gateway drug. Yeah, very much so. Class A poo. And basically, she was sort of ending the first bit of pregnancy when she discovered us

and now the kid's two weeks away. Oh, nice one. Two weeks away. She says she's been cooking up a baby real good. To sum up, Bud Pod has been the soundtrack to my pregnancy. Oh boy, what's that going to... We've had this before. Yeah.

Those little kids were saying, don't have a bum-bum life to each other. No, we've had someone who's been listening to, who's been playing their baby instead of Mozart, Bud Pod. Oh yeah, a poopy kid's going to come out. Poopy old kid. Poopy old kid. Poopy old kid. Poopy old kid.

Yeah. It wasn't medically advised, but by God I'm glad I picked up my prenatal prescription for SideQuest, SlowPoo and SugarEagles. Since you asked, my personal series highlight remains the 1800s letter writing equivalent of I Hope I Didn't Wake You. Oh yes. Yeah, very funny. That was fun. Which legitimately made me spaff coffee all over the headrest of a train. equivalent of i hope i didn't wake you oh yes yeah very funny that was fun which legitimately made me spaff coffee all over the headrest of a train uh uh always listening to the think of me

while i'm busting out maximum labor ward louise we will yeah that's a high louis situation i'll try to make sure that i'm doped up enough on drugs that my first words as a mother can be something other than that really hurt. And this is because we're out of date. Enjoy the rest of the fringe. Can't wait to see you next year when I will be able to unstrap my little human from my tits long enough to rejoin the world of drinking and laughing.

Keep jacking it. Your fondest and fattest fan, Joey. That's lovely. Thank you, Joey. And if you redacted the lovely bits, I can only, one can only dream... Yeah. ...of how nice the rest is.

So nice. I tell you the one thing I miss most about living back in the decadent west is all the musicals or bloody we love musicals so inspiring and all that going I used to go down to London to try and see if I could commit an attack but I also while I was there I would go see Les Miserables and that would be amazing and The Phantom of the Opera and just anything really and the one time I actually tried to get in without a ticket to Book of Mormon, I had to sneak in because it's full of infidels thoughts of course wrong religion but you know I still thought could be a laugh and I couldn't do it so I became immediately radicalized and

came out here to the caliphate really and the one thing I'd so miss is music but of course stringed instruments are the tool of the devil and very decadent they are too and all the rest of it which is why I'm now entirely interested in a cappella really and trying to do like sort of all-male choir a cappella versions of things like Wicked or Lion King but the lads here, they're not so interested actually quite a struggle to get them into it to be honest but yeah

sort of picked me spirits up humming the chown to Tomorrow's a New Day or whatever it is from Thingy, whatchamacallit yeah, love it Mark Thompson Mark Thompson has got in touch with Howdy PN and PW my parents recently went to a hotel in Glasgow and the screen on the TV when they arrived

is positively ghastly Koji Mark now he's attached a picture here we might put this on Instagram this is from an Ibis hotel so this is like the holding image that's just on the default that kind of thing where it's just like a message and it's all written in like scottish twitter patter it's your cell no we are so bored of the usual welcome messages so we something one of our own here's the rules written by a few simple minds gone no pay for wi-fi it's

free nay password just crack on pal it's that fiber malarkey proper fast and we won't check your browser history winky face so ibis welcomes porn that is good to know to be fair because i'm i'm always in the gray with regards to hotels I always think like can you imagine how much business they'd lose if they just went like any good hotel we immediately announce on our website whenever someone who's stayed here has looked at Paul

you're like what the fuck it would be very funny though if you were the first person it happened to Instagrammable coffee available dune stairs flash your key at one of our baristas for one pound off hashtag belter my god it's always gotta say if we send this to limmy he'd have a stroke it's especially maybe it's because i i consume so much limmy that i find it especially disappointing Especially disappointing when Scottish people count out to this sort of low-level Yeah.

Taurus populism. This sort of, Don't they fash yourself and trip oor the shortbread? All that kind of thing. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. There's a balance to be struck between no longer being ashamed of your natural dialect.

Yes. Because like, Limmie, for example, his scripts are. He says them how he would say them. He'd say, you turn the weens. He didn't say kids. So that's good. But then there's a level of... You don't make a fucking thing out of it, do you? Moro Santos, who came to see us at the Fringe.

All the way from Portugal. Sent us a very nice message thanking us. He wishes he could have been more articulate when he met us. I thought he was very articulate. I think he was articulate, but also remember, Mauro Santos,

when we meet someone like you who's such a kind and nice fan of ours, we also don't know what to say because it's weird for us. We don't understand kindness. We were born in cruelty and mud. We only understand the dark. I've never had fresh meat before.

We're like... We're Quasimodo. We're just sort of... The elephant man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so kind, giving me all these cream cakes. Sorry, I'm crying. No one's ever said they liked my jokes before.

There is an element of that, too. So don't worry. But thank you very much, Maro Santos. Obrigado, Maro. Right. Okay, Will says, Hey, lads, is the problem with your new kit that it hasn't come with a headphone jack in it?

I'll see myself out, Will. Yes, we had many of those tweets. Thank you. Thank you very much. that sort of joke thank you i feel like a teacher that kind of it's always the same faces isn't it causing trouble in class always the same faces that's going to be allerton and off and on again isn't it i always say it's always the same faces whenever a troublesome audience member pipes up for the second time and it has never gotten a laugh from more than two people in the crowd right yeah i think it's always the same faces whenever a troublesome audience member pipes up for the second time. And it has never gotten a laugh from more than two people in the crowd. Right, yeah. I think it's a really funny thing to say.

Bald, white, middle-aged man? Oh, yeah, totally. But I mean when the same person pipes up for a second time. Oh, right. And I put my hands on my hips and go, it's always the same faces, isn't it? And like two people will go, ah, teachers. And everyone else will go, oh, is he upset? Oh, teachers. And everyone else will go, oh, is he upset? Oh, well.

One last story. Okay. And then bed. And then bed, for God's sake, from Will. Another Will. Another Will. A different Will. Subject of this email, a story about poo. Okay, I mean, it sounds a little different

From what we're used to But I'm always up for trying new things Push the boat out Yeah, why not Hey poop buds Sure Thought you might want to know about my own poo-based misadventure During my first year of university

It took place the morning after May Day A day where the students traditionally stay up all night Drinking, jumping into rivers, and generally getting up to no good. Okay. I had hosted a party in my room. A party. A party.

Having a little party in my quarters later. That's what Will said. Good evening, fellow student. After a long day of studying, would you be interested in attending a little soiree in my quarters later? Anyway, I'd hosted a party in my room and all had gone swimmingly.

Around 8am Ay, that is swimmingly. Oh, you were swimming nice with that. 8am, Will's a party boy. When the party was over, a group of us, a small group of us, went to a greasy spoon cafe for a fry-up to finish off the night in style. Blimey, good for you.

This is great. Upon returning to my room, however, I had found that one guest had in fact not left the party at all. The first thing I remember noting was the utterly overwhelming stench as I opened the door. Oh no, is it? The curtains were shut so initially it was hard to make out the scene.

But as my eyes gradually adjusted, I could see my friend lying naked on the sofa quite literally rolling in his own film. No, Mike, oh my gosh. My shock turned to horror, which swiftly turned to rage. I shouted at him to get up and get out, and then left the room to wait outside in the daylight. Minutes later he emerged, filthy, clearly still utterly hammered and quite confused, having apparently not

realised that he himself was the cause of the mountain of poo on my sofa. Looking at me angrily, all he said was, Will, it's disgusting in there. There's shit on my shoe. To which in my amazement got my shit everywhere i've shat all over that room it really is a bloody disgrace what you've let me do in there to which in amazement all i could think

to reply was okay thank you quite how he managed to spot the shit on his shoe yet missed the poo all over his body remains a mystery to this day a side follow-up story was that to make the room Oh no. This plan was leaked to said flat, and what followed was weeks of sofa switching and subterfuge, each of us placing various marks on what we thought was the pooey sofa so we could make sure it wasn't in our flat. Hard to say exactly where the soiled sofa ended up, but suffice to say, no one in the block could really enjoy unwinding on the couch at the end of a long day after that. Love the podcast.

Keep up the great work. Please don't forget to jack it. Will. My word. Is dreadful. love the podcast keep up the great work please don't forget to jack it will my word is that's exactly the sort of student he uh nunas that that can go on although i i'm i'm always amazed at someone who not only did that man drink enough to shit all over his naked body and the couch fill he ate enough yeah so in a way he did it right Because he ate enough and soaked it up Soaked all the alcohol up

But like, he was nude So he was so hammered He was like, I sleep nude, therefore I am Going to sleep nude on this couch Yeah Did he get nude and then shit, do you think? Or was he shitting and went, oh I can't be doing and took his clothes off okay i'm getting shit all over my clothes

from his attitude maybe yeah yeah he obviously doesn't like shitty clothes shitty clothes or shitty sofa very few people do but i've never been yeah that's that's drunk because when you're so drunk like you can almost have some sympathy with people who are so drunk that they just pee all over themselves. Because drinking makes you want to pee. Yeah. And the shitting I've never really got. And it relaxes you.

I've never shit myself from drinking. No, that's when you've really achieved something there. You've drank your own bumhole open. That's a lot of muscular control to lose. That's it, isn't it? Yeah. I drank my damn ass hole open. I drank my butt off. Drank my butt empty.

I drank my own butthole emptier than a pickle jar on Easter morning. Well, thank you, Will. Thank you, Will, for that. That's a hell of a poo story. I wonder if you were still friends with that. That's a hell of a poo story. A hell of a poo story. I wonder if you were still friends with that guy. Who knows?

This is the end of episode 28, and we're actually going to go straight on and do the Correspondent Special. So it will feel nice and continuous to you, the listener. Yes, but the Correspondent Special will be out next week. Yes, that's next week. But in the meantime, thank you for listening and koji koji baby koji see y'all soon bye