BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 282 - The Tightest Trousers

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

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282, ooh, great view, which is what you'll say when you watch my new Netflix special. What a great view, which is what you'll say when you watch my new Netflix special. What a great view. We're viewing and viewing special. You're going to say it after you've finished watching it. Yeah. We'll sit back and go, what a great view.

Which isn't the normal way people use the word view. That's why there's a view count on YouTube. That's right. You go, one of those views is mine. I liked that view. When I viewed it, I enjoyed viewing it. I enjoyed viewing it. Please view my new special Wang and their baby on Netflix. It's out now. Live and kicking on Netflix. Get me up there. Netflix charts. Get me into people's homes and all around the world. I want people to be watching me in Madagascar, in

Ulaanbaatar, in Pyongyang. Swindon. Pyongyang and Swindon. Those are actually Netflix is a very secretive company. But the two main metrics actually go by what are your views in Pyongyang and what are your views in Swindon. Those are the two extremes. That's right. So they get one end of the spectrum

and then the other, and then they average it. That's it. They get to the middle point, and they go, that must be the average. Yeah, that's right. If you can crack Pyongyang. Oh, you've got three views in Pyongyang? Four.

Yeah, yeah. That changes the whole equation. Yeah, but unfortunately, most of these will be via VPN, so I don't know if those have those count or embassies Yes, of course We want a wang in on every screen and a chicken in every part. Yes all across the world That's what people deserve. I don't know if there's an equivalent of the remind me button the thumbs up button Now I guess yeah, yeah, I think yeah, I like this

This was great but there's the one with the two thumbs isn't it you can press guys double thumb thumb me double thumb me get your thumbs in me get both thumbs up me get both your thumbs right into film hell if you don't even have time to watch it now put it to my list that makes a difference in my list that helps the robot please just help the robot This is what this campaign of press has been for me is please help me trick the robot. Help me trick the robot into thinking I'm good. Here's the thing guys, you might be sitting there listening to this

going, oh, well, you know, if someone does something like a comedy special or a movie or a TV show, and it's just funny or good, an executive with a cigar or braces or some sort of Devil Wears Prada style angry lady, they'll just know that. They'll watch it and they'll go, I like your style, kid. Who cares what the robot says? I want everyone to see this. And they'll pull a big lever mark to make this a success. And it's not true. It's not true. Those people now wait to hear what the robot likes. What various robots like. The phone robot, the Instagram robot, the Twitter robot not anymore,

but the Instagram robot, the TikTok robot, and the Netflix robot. These are the three fates that hold our threads aloft and decide whether or not to snip them or I don't know what the good thing they did with the threads. Keep weaving them.

Keep on weaving them keep on weaving keep on weaving yeah the robo norns what's the norns norns are the fates in Norse mythology oh that makes sense because I'm currently playing god of war Ragnarok and you you can open nor near chests nor near is that them maybe nor near chest I remember the norns was how they were described when they briefly made an appearance in Disney's Hercules, the TV series. And they all share one eye. Is that the Greek fates?

That's, that's Greek fates. The Norns pop up as like a kind of cross reference point. Do they? In the movie? I recently watched Disney's Hercules. No, no, the TV series. Oh, yeah, fair enough. Crossover episode.

There's a lot of parallels between Norse and Greek mythology. Yeah, and the giants and the Titans. Yep, a lot of parallels between Norse and Greek mythology on one side and I think Hindu or sort of Vedic mythology on the other. As in the Hindu and Vedic mythologies have lost parallels? With, with, yeah With Greek and Nordic. Oh, do they? Yeah, Indo-Aryan.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, watch Wang and That Baby on Netflix, ready and raring to go now. Charming and absurdist, according to the Netflix description on the thing. Is it? Yeah, I looked at it just now on my Netflix and it said, recommended for charming and absurdist commenting.

Charming and absurdist? Yeah, not how I would have classed myself, but the robot knows best. The robot knows me better than I know myself. Look, robot, if you're listening, and you are, we think you know best and we submit ourselves to your will. We lie prostrate at the feet of robot. Please help us robot. Absurdist, I think you know what it is.

If you don't watch a lot of comedy and you watch some standup where a pretty normal style standup like yourself or me says something a bit odd, crazy analogy. It's like, this is pretty absurd. This guy's pretty out there. Whereas we go to crazy analogy. It's like, this is pretty absurd. This guy's pretty out there. Whereas we go to the fringe and it's like, Oh, what was the show like? And you go, oh, a very little Estonian clown woman used a sort of giant

mannequin hand to tap people on the head and the crowd and answer their problems and make them ring their mom and explain their feelings to them. Yeah. We go, Oh, that again. Another one. God, it's like Hamlet plays at this point. I honestly think, I honestly think Netflix has called my special absurdist because there's flowers on my shirt. I think that's it. I think there's flowers on my shirt in the special. And that's why it's

pretty arty. It's cause you're not wearing like a leather jacket over a white t-shirt and going the thing with women is that's what Netflix thinks stand-up is. Yeah it's because I'm not opening the show with all right Austin. I'm doing a rambling analogy about why you're going to make your girlfriend pay for dinner. Something like that. We're just doing a lot of crowd work. Yeah. Yeah.

This guy's absurd. He's making all these parallels and analogies with language. At first glance, compared to a lot of specials on Netflix, mine does look like a play. Well, I mean, I filmed it in a playhouse. I guess that's probably. That's why they're going, this guy's arty as all hell. Yeah. There's some European style stand up in it.

Oh, we're in the theater. That's it. Theater. Yeah, all the theater. Theater. It's gonna be the visual equivalent of why Americans don't understand why Wetherspoon's food is bad. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. They think it'll be turkey legs and... Well, they just think it'll be like, it must be the best food in the world. Right, yeah. This looks like Sherlock Holmes's mind palace here.

And it's like, no, it's microwave chips. I think quite good microwave chips. Considering that they cost two pounds. Yeah. But the Americans are not after it. I think the American burger in Wetherspoons is one of the best burgers you can get. But they want what they... it's the cuisine film. Yeah, I know. Yeah. They're expecting soufflés and- Or at the very least, if you're offering burgers in that sort of context, they want,

you know, pulled brisket, which would be falling off this thing in a tower. Yeah. You remember the size of portions in the States? Yeah. Sickening and wonderful. States. Yeah, sickening and wonderful. Seven meals in one, every meal. But my special is seven specials in one because it's charming and absurdist and five other things. Add it to your lists, okay? Please the robot. It's out there. It's out there. Also, what is happening in citing comedy news is we're doing Bud Pod live on September 25th. September 25th Bud Pod live. We've got all sorts of plans for that. Excitingly, we can now announce the winner of our competition for free tickets to

Bud Pod live. And the winner is Charlie Ridley. Congratulations, Charlie Ridley. We're going to get in touch with you directly. And thank you very much to everyone else who entered. And if you entered and but didn't win, you can still come. You can still come to Bud Pod Live on September 25th. You just have to buy the tickets, but they're reasonably priced. Yes, there's no need to hide home in shame.

Congratulations, Charlie. We'll speak to you soon. So that's Bud Pod Live September 25th at Leicester Square Theatre. By the way, we can now announce that we're going to have, it's not just any old Bud Pod Live or any old Bud Pod, we're going to have a secret

comedy guest join us. Ooh, misterioso. And do not forget, this is a Bud Pod live that will not be going out on the main feed. It is a patrons and live Boys and Girls of the Church only. So if you want to find out who this special guest is, you've got a choice to make. If you want to see this episode, if you want to see that show, you've got to come live.

Final warning, peace and love. Peace and love. It will not be on the feed. Peace and love. And? It'll be Felipe's first live show. It'll be Felipe's first live show. We're going to get him them big headphones like babies. Headphones like babies?

Oh, Felipe's been to see one before, but he's never been on the other side. But like his first live show, like when they take little kids to concerts and put big Defenders, yeah, we're gonna put big ear defenders on Philippe so he doesn't hurt his ears his first show Yeah, exactly Philippe needs a dress like he's important put to Philippe on the show Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah a big linen shirt big linen shirt Panama hat Felipe needs a dress like he's in Puerto Felipe on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A big linen shirt.

Big linen shirt. Panama hat. Yeah, Panama hat or one of those hats that's like a Panama hat but made of... Is Panama hat made of straw? It's kind of woven. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think Panama hat has a very particular shape, isn't it? What's the one that's kind of woven from...

Like a wicker. Yeah, a wicker? Yeah, a wicker hat. He's got a Colombian hat like that. Maybe big aviators, big aviator sunglasses. Yeah. Any gold chains or bangles? A cane with a sort of Mayan head on it, like a kind of carved head on the cane. There's a Penang cane or a Malacca cane. It's named after a part of Malaysia. It became a kind of colonial type of cane. Huh? Malacca cane.

Yes, Malacca cane. Malacca cane. Oh, that looks cool. It's one for a hundred pounds. You can afford a Malacca cane now. Yeah, what's the description of Malacca cane? In the military traditions of Pakistan. In the military traditions of Pakistan. In the military traditions of Pakistan?

The commander, Baton, which is known as the Malacca cane, is constructed from Malacca cane and derives its name from the port city of Malacca in modern day Malaysia. Wow. But I think we know where the Pakistan military got the Malacca cane from. Yeah. But I think we know where the Pakistan military got them That's why like whenever you see the military in like So South Africa actually changed it but you see it in like Kenya or India or Pakistan

They're still wearing like the uniform is almost the same as the British Army Yeah, right the tabs and stuff like the general stuff the general still have this big red collars and everything like that Yeah, you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nice. My special still available on YouTube. Yes. If you want to help me please the YouTube robot. And that that is why can't I just enjoy things? Why can't I just enjoy things, which is the show that I was I was doing it at the same time as what inspired the book. So it's the show, then the book, they have the same name. The companion piece to the book.

It's the companion piece. Also I have a reel on Instagram that's going to hit two million views. Wow! Which one? The one about women's clothes not having pockets. The most obvious joke I've ever... Really? That's what the robot likes.

The robot likes it. It's because every day I look at my Instagram and I have 17 notifications of loads of different women all leaving the same comment, which is that's because of witchcraft. Which is kind of not true. But it's like one of those cool things that everyone knows. Wait, there's a theory that dresses don't have pockets because of witchcraft? Yeah, like if women had pockets they would fill them with potions and shit. And it was- Is this true?

Not really. It can't be true. It's partially- it's mainly just because clothes- things in pockets disrupt the shape of fabric. Yes. Blah, blah, blah. It's all the boring- like anything in life, the most boring possible explanation is almost always the one. I mean, even in men's suits, we get pockets, but you're not actually meant to undo the stitching on them if you want to keep the shape. That's all it is.

Yeah, especially not on the side ones. On the jacket. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like everything, it's almost always just boring. And the source is always like some Tumblr article written by someone. Yeah, the truth of things is rarely as fun.

But it's a very popular kind of explanation because it companions the sort of tacit oppression of something boring to do with sewing technique and like shape of clothes that's like not exciting. No. It's just like the grinding dullness of boring oppression. And it links it to exciting oppression, e.g. Salem witchcraft trials, Halloween fucking thing. And like, they burned those women because they were too powerful, Philip. It makes it empowering and dramatic.

In reality, most oppression is dull and every day in and out. But you know, I'm getting 2 million views now because people who have Crystal Healer in their bio are talking about witchcraft in the comments. That's great. That's what you need. I guess so. One comment today was, who is this comedian? I'll take it. And I replied, it is me. That's engagement. Maybe I'll get a fan out of that. It is me. It is me. I am the... It's also posted from your account. Yeah I'll get a fan out of that. It is me. It is me.

I am the... It's also posted from your account. Yeah, it's a cross post. You can see I'm posting it. It's a cross post between me and 800 pound gorilla. Right, yeah. Who is this comedian? Me?

Me? What? It's like an involuntary Pagliacci. That's because these people are so used now to... Being fed by someone else. Content curators. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just meme thieves. Who is this comedian?

Me. It is me. Don't you see me? And then another lady commented this morning, you should do an audiobook. And I said I have. Oh yeah, nice. My book's out now, it's on Spotify. Oh, yeah, nice. Books are out now. So I'll spotify.

These are all perfect questions for you. Yeah, but the fact that getting asked means that they don't know the answer. They go, oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. You pay a lot of money to PR for people to ask these questions and asking them for free. It's genius. Like I've got a load of bots to just fucking comment on one reel.

It's really strange. Yeah. I don't know how much overspill I'm getting onto the other reels that aren't about pockets. Yeah. Yeah. It is interesting what... And it goes to reinforce the idea that you should just post everything, even if you think something is... Ah, this isn't as good as my other bits, or I don't really believe so much in this... Just post it, you never know.

You don't know. It's not really up to you. The robot will decide. The robot will decide. And the more you can get people arguing with each other in comments, the more like. I might, one of my best engaged, one of my best clips for views is one where it's about like men versus women and just,

or when I still had to have the clip about the Qatar world cup and ended up just being people arguing about whether or not it should be in Qatar, but I'll take it. Great. It's amazing that it's like a, what's best for us is to create discord in society. Yeah. A big machine has been created.

That means that people like us are having to sit and devote real time to thinking what will make everyone as upset as possible. And not privately upset, upset with each other. It only counts if they are upset with each other. It only counts if they take a sword to each other. It is funny, isn't it? We, you know, as comedians until about two years ago, before reels became important, we're all politicians just want to divide us. All politicians are trying to divide us. They want to sow division

in this country. How is that B? They'd wait. We all, we agree with more. We're more like than we are different. And the politicians need to, what's that? I get more views if people fight in my comments. Fight, fight, fight. Men versus women. Drop a heart emoji in the comments. If! Fight! Fight! Men vs women! Drop a heart emoji in the comments if you think this other guy can fuck off! Wow, it turns out there are incentives to cross-owing division. Wow, who'd have thought?

I'm going to do a whole routine about how there's no good Asian food. Just watch the internet explode. I don't even think that. Rage. No one could think that. That's what they'll all say in the comments under my video. Also don't even think that. Rage. I don't even think that. No one could think that. That's what they'll all say in the comments under my video. Also politicians shouldn't lie. Anyway, I'm going to say I hate all Asian food, even though that's not true.

Just so people comment and I eventually down the road get more money. Politicians are all crooked. They're only out for themselves and their careers after politics. It's cynical. But somewhere down the line, I'll make money. I don't even know from what, but if people fight now, I think I'll get money later. If they fight now, I get money later from a different video

where someone makes me try pad Thai to prove me wrong. I literally got work for saying I didn't like horror movies. I have a standup clip where I don't like horror movies. A year and a bit later audible. I said you want to do a podcast series about how you don't like horror movies. If you say you don't like shit, you get money. Or if you say you like shit, you get money. Yeah, I really like something really dislike something. I think you have to choose. Yeah, I think

you have to choose whether you're a negative Nancy or a positive Pete. There's a lot of very nice positive Pete YouTube content. I heard someone just positive, positive Peters, what you do is you pick a thing or a genre or even a country and you do loads of videos about how brilliant it all is. And everyone watches it as a kind of soothing, naive Swedish guy goes around Midwest us. Yes. And is delighted by the various roadways. Yeah, whatever. My something I get a lot I'm getting fed a lot of on Instagram now is black African men who are fluent in Mandarin

traveling around China, wowing Chinese people with Mandarin. That's all I get served all the time. Really? Yeah. And I love it. It's great. Because they've lived in China for a few years, they've studied Chinese, and they're really, really fluent. And most Chinese people, mainland Chinese people, like these are small towns, by which I mean, for China, you know, only 50 million people live in this town. And they've never seen a black person in their life, let alone a black person who can speak Mandarin fluently. And they're just, they can't believe it. And not just like, not just Mandarin, not just fluently, but presumably like university

Mandarin. It's the sound of like a high ranking civil servant. Yeah. All the intonation is like perfect. Perfect classical fucking. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just they sound like whatever the Mandarin version of Frasier Crane or the Queen. Just perfect. I love that sort of stuff. I love people who aren't Chinese speaking really good Chinese and wowing Chinese people. I love it. I don't know why. I just love it. I like any video that involves a big catapult. Someone's built a big catapult. I've never, this is how personalized these Instagram accounts are now.

I've never even seen a single catapult video. These days, Phil, these days, people trying to talk about things they watch, it's like everyone trying to see if they've had each other's dream. It's as pointless as that. Were you there as well when I dreamt that I was on a roller coaster? Were you there? No. Really?

I'm always having these dreams about roller coasters. Really? You haven't had a single dream about the roller coaster? Your hallucination device doesn't show you roller coasters? No, my hallucination device shows me black guys going around China Okay, I Guess it makes sense that mine wouldn't show me that But now that you've said it maybe it will maybe now my hallucination device has overheard you and I'm gonna start looking at

Black guys going around China scaring people with their incredible Mandarin I get black guys going around China scaring people with their incredible Mandarin. Yeah, man. I get, yeah, I get black guys going around China speaking Mandarin. I get a lot of wrestling from the early noughties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. WWE from the early noughties. And I get, what else do I get now?

I think that might be most, I think that's it at the moment, actually. Yeah. I get, what do I get now? I think that might be most I think that that's it at the moment actually Yeah, I get what do I get? Every now and then The the robot is a bit like a kind of I Don't know like a really like a slightly unsettling butler and like most of the time the butler is just giving me pretty generic like pet videos. A funny thing a bird is doing, a cockatoo. Autism memes. A lot of autism memes.

And then every now and then the butler gets sort of glint in his eye and sort of looks around like, perhaps sir would like to watch a beheading. Perhaps sir would like to watch these guys fight with machetes on the fucking coast of Essex. And I go, no, no. And he goes, no, of course. No, no, no, I was being- I would never.

I was only joking, sir. Just a test, sir. Just a test. I would hate to work for an employer who enjoyed such things. Yes, I get that sometimes. Sometimes I get like, there's like horror reels. There's like horror- Really horrible, yeah. But like, not like spooky. Yeah, I get it sometimes. Sometimes I get like, there's like horror reels. There's like horror.

Really horrible, yeah. But like, not like spooky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, yeah, we'll make scary ones. Yes, and I'll be like scrolling at 11 PM and suddenly I'll go, oh, I guess this is a joke. Ah, it's so scary. It's like, what the fuck?

Why would you do that? But like sometimes I'll get one and it's like, like, oh, this prank went wrong or whatever. And I go I don't like when they go, right I'm really worried pranks are gonna come back pranks were gone They were gone. They were gone because jackass completed it Jackass completed it and and and it didn't vibe with soft kindness culture, which overtook the 20 teens

That's true. We can't be lads anymore. We have to be kind Yeah kindness culture, which overtook the 2018. That's true. We can't be lads anymore. We have to be kind. Yeah. But that, but now that's kind of on the way out. And I think, I think kindness is on the way out. Cruelty's back. Cruelty's back. And so pranks are coming back. It's the new Brad Summer cruelty. I think Jen Zed and definitely like Jen Alpha, they, they watched a lot of like prank videos and horrible and stupid asshole dudes going around.

They've grown up with like all the people in the comments being like oh, no, it's like this is serious You shouldn't you shouldn't jump off a bridge like that. Yeah, that's all fucking all ass people like us the Millennials are Wokeness is a millennial thing. Yes, and kindness. Yes, Chugui being kind is Chugui. It is cruelty is back Yeah Yes, Chugui. Being kind is Chugui. It is, yeah. Cruelty is back. Yeah. I guess it's a nihilism, right? Gen Z and Gen Off are really nihilistic. Yeah, the Duma generation. Yeah, because they've grown up.

They were born into global warming and online misinformation and the war on Jaro was already ongoing and finished. information and the war on Darrow was already ongoing. We had a good 10 years of pure heroin into the neck fucking the cold wars over optimism. Yeah, end of end of history. End of history. We had 10 years of end of history. End of history. The ozone layer's got a hole in it above Australia, but we're closing it. Ha ha ha.

It's going well. We've got CFCs banned. It's fine. Solar panels. Yeah. The internet. Al Gores banned. It's fine. Solar panels. Yeah. The internet. Al Gore's coming. Don't worry. Yeah, Al Gore's coming to save us.

Al Gore's coming down the pipe. Who's going to be the president? Bill Clinton's... He's out there just finger banging everyone. It's the time to be alive. Military intervention works. Kosovo, Sierra Leone. Yes, yes. It's working. Fucking Rwanda. Yeah, Good Friday.

Good Friday, all right, it's all working out. Everyone's calming down now. Oh no, Rwanda didn't work out very well. Rwanda did not work out very well. But it ended. But it should have, the big mistake was maybe the Dutch UN peacekeeping troops didn't do anything, right? Oh yes, and America didn't step in in time.

But that's it. That used to be the critique. Yeah. Why aren't you, why aren't you sending in the bombs? Why are you intervening? All these angry hippies. Where's the army? They'd say, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine. Whereas now it's stop the armies. Always stop the armies. Now, well, they like, we had that little taste, which prepared us, maybe gave us like a little bit of a base layer of, of maybe we can go back to thinking in a happy way. Whereas imagine if like your first ever

fucking year at school was just so, um, the planet's boiling just from like four, just the planet's boiling. Yeah. And like the planet planet's boiling. Your phone is full of lies. Every now and then someone at a concert or on public transport will either explode or knife you in the neck. And that could be from almost any, from almost any perspective in almost any major city in the world that will happen to anyone for any reason. Yep. They have randomness. To anyone for any reason. Yep. They're randomness. And now you have to watch Afterlife.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Who can blame this generation for losing hope with the world? Have you ever looked up like 60s and 70s plane hijackings? Oh yeah, they just... Always end peacefully. Yeah, they just make some demands and then they'd land. And they land somewhere. Yeah. they just make some demands and then they'd land. They land somewhere. Yeah.

It seems so insane to us. And they just go like, they just go like the, the, the, the Marxist, the Marxist people's front of the, of the Pangaean Republic, Division Three, took over Pan Am Airlines 727 to Manila in the Philippines with a single revolver. And like the picture of the hijacker just looks like a guy from like the fight scene in Anchorman. It's like massive hair and sideburns and like a mustache and like a revolver and like a disco suit. And you know, right.

So then obviously he just crashed the plane into the Philippines and they go, no, he landed and it took like three days, they yeah they released a couple of other people from the same weird group all the passengers just smoking in the place passing cigarettes between them and their fucking kids walking around with a full roast on a on a trolley a full like roast. Stu, I'm so sorry, the gammon is free now that we've been hijacked. I've seen those photos of the first flights, commercial flights, just full, like a suckling pig

on a trolley, she's carving it. And the guy's drinking old-fashioned. He's fully, just looks like Frank Sinatra. He's just dressed like Frank Sinatra and the lady's dressed like fucking Jackie Kennedy and they're just... Yeah. I mean that's what the jet set comes from, the tone of the jet set. It used to be so posh to be able to get on a plane to travel somewhere. You'd dress up in a suit and you'd...

Imagine arriving on holiday. You're only just on your way to your big holiday. You've already had a roast and three fucking Negronis. You smoked a pack of cigarettes. to your big holiday. You've already had a roast and three fucking Negronis. You'd be like, brrrr. You'd have to. You smoked a pack of cigarettes. You smoked a pack of cigarettes and had five Negronis and a full Sunday roast and dessert. You'd be like, brrrr. Jesus Christ.

You'd have to roll off that plane down the stairs. Just brrrr. Yeah, that's what the emergency slide was originally for. They used it after every flight. You'd have to be taken off by people with stretchers running, like when the plane has an emergency landing and they think it might explode. Just being taken to your hotel. Yeah, the firetruck, they're the ones that shoot out the foam just putting out everyone's cigarettes on the plane.

It's dangerous. And just Renny's. Everyone being given about seven Renny's. Just... AHHHH! Fuck, man. Well, speaking of things that make you sick in your stomach, we should read some correspondence. Speaking of plain loads of unhealthy loons. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers' internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. This is from Kieran.

Kieran, let's be here in what you've got to say. Dear Filtrum Wang and Pierre Nov Bellybutton. Nice. Filtrum is the bit above your top lip in a little groove. Yes. I know at last. Longtime listener, first time emailer. A friend shared the attached pub bloke tat. I love pub bloke tat!

And I wondered if Phil could accurately whisper the array of boltons in its expensive tariff. In its expensive tariff? What does that mean? Well, let's have a look. It's a sign up in a pub. Yep. It's a kind of menu of tariffs. Of tariffs, okay.

Like phone tariffs. Oh, well this will become clear. The menu is called hiding from the spouse. Oh God, okay. Yes, I love it. I love this. Hiding from the spouse. Oh God. Okay. Yes, I love it. I love it. Hiding from the spouse. The spouse.

The spouse. Keeping it gender neutral. That's actually a good point. It's not progressive for a pub tat. Woke, bloke tat. They made the pubs woke. I guess a lot of it is technically gender neutral. The old ball and chain, there can be anything. They made the pubs woke! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This would if it was 2003 this would be a great like Armstrong and Miller sketch. Oh, yeah Although the the woke pub banter. That'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah the woke pilots the woke pilots. Yeah. Yeah Hiding from the spouse phone rates

Okay It's quite high concept. Please see bartender on arrival. Okay. So the idea is, do you get the conceit? The bartender sort of offers you a service where he'll call the spouse and tell them why you can't be home? No, this is from a previous generation where you would ring the pub.

Oh. Say, is he there? Oh, gosh. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever see that in like an old sitcom or movie or whatever, like the bartender goes, oh, I'll just look and they look over at the guy and the guy's like, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. I knew I so recognized the trope, but I've never thought that that actually happened. Well, apparently, yeah, or at least enough to make jokes about hiding from the spouse phone rates. So these are things you can pay the bartender to say.

Ah, when you're when your spouse, when your spouse, whoever they may be, rings up. Yes. B rings up. Yes. So the prices is five items. It goes from one, two, three, four or five pounds. Okay. Pretty reasonable. Yeah. I mean, it's less than a pint. Less than a pint. Yeah. So what do you think they are? Oh, so for one pound for one pound. He's not here. Yeah. No. For 100 quid, he'll just do that down the phone. Is Albert there? Oh, wow. And they hung up. They never call that number again. Okay, four.

Yeah, so one pound is nope, not here. Nope, not here. Ha ha ha. For two pounds. For two pounds. He's out buying you a gift. No, no. For two pounds. He was just talking about you.

Oh, he has two pounds, he's on his way home. You're closer with that. It's it's none of none of this is about assuaging the the ego or or feelings of the the caller. It's about hiding. Pretty logistical. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or to do with their presence or the lack thereof. You're closer with uh on his on his way home on his way home. Yeah, kind of. He outside he's I think this might be too open-ended now had blank blank and blank had oh had had one drinking left what word perfect three pounds three pounds okay so so Three pounds. Three pounds.

Okay, so we've gone from he's not here to had one. Now why is he's had he had one drink and left more expensive than he is not here? I was just thinking that I think he had one believable. Maybe he had one drink and left should be the first option. That should be the most. But yeah, right, right, right. Because it's not you're not even denying that he came in and got a bit pissed. Exactly. He's not he's not here at all should be the most expensive. Oh yeah, right, right, right. Because it's not, you're not even denying that he came in and got a bit pissed. Exactly.

He's not here at all. Should be the most expensive, really. Yeah. That should be five pounds. Yeah. But regardless, okay. So for three pounds, he, I don't think I'm gonna have, three pounds, he, he came in,

told everyone to quit drinking. Three pounds, he's quit drinking quit drinking. So it's confusing. I don't think you'll get this one just because there's no logic to it. You just missed him. You just missed him. Three pounds. Again, yeah, that's right. This is more of a list really than a scale of... It starts to escalate more now.

The first three I think really are interchangeable. Yeah, okay, fair enough. So then for three, I think really are interchangeable. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Okay. So then for four pounds, he's busy saving an orphanage. There's never, they're not very elaborate. Okay. Okay. Well, okay. He just missed him four pounds. Wolf for pounds. He... Oh, he's at work.

I don't think I'm gonna get these now. Hasn't been in all day. Hasn't been... Okay, that makes sense. It's four pounds. Four pounds. Five pounds is the most extreme. What do you think it is? I've never heard of it. Perfect. You got it. Yes!

That's three for five. Yeah, that's not bad. Not bad. Your instincts are as sharp as ever. This is like the nonsense poster version of when Luke Skywalker just can hit that drone with the blindfold on. Just sensing. So Kiran says, PS, I would sign off Koji, but are you looking for a decolonization update to this?

I don't know if jacking is in the territory as it were. I don't think jacking is in the colonization. Unless you're jacking it into someone's colon, Kieran. Kieran's colon, I don't know what's that. You know, I think jacking it can stay as is. I don't think it's to do with the fecal process. It'll never be out of fashion. It never will. We'll always need to jacket. From the noblest king to the lowliest peasant.

We all jacket. So we got a little message from Victoria. Victoria? Sick! Glory! Those are that. That's how I feel hearing that Victoria's gone. Sick! Glory! And then just a little glob of pleasure at the end. I don't like that at all. Especially after a second shouting the word glory.

Glory! Glob. A little glob of happiness. Hello both Phil and yet Pierre. Oh, I like that. From Victoria. Hello both Phil and yet Pierre. Oh, I like that from Victoria First of all, let me say I love the podcast I've never been much of a fan of the concept of a podcast as an artistic form But after seeing your show Pierre at the fringe, I thought I'd give it a go and I'm glad I did

Yes, Piers out there harvesting new pod baths preaching in the town square I Started listening at the beginning, so I apologize that I'm very late to the party, but I have a story of an okay thank you moment I wanted to share with you. Okay, thank you. I'm a doctor.

Oh yes, very clever listeners we have. Dr. Vic. Dr. Vic, that's nice. Doc Vic. Doc Vic. Doc Vic. Doc Vic! Doc Vic. Doc Vic. Like a Swedish vitamin juice. Doc Vic. I'm a doctor. When I was relatively newly qualified, I was working for a while on a care of the elderly ward.

One day, I was asked to have a very sensitive conversation with a patient's daughter, explaining that her mom was reaching the end of her life. I was putting a full 10 Louies of effort. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

A full 10 Louies of effort into trying to appear like a competent adult and not the terrified child I felt like on the inside Mmm. Yeah, not easy. So you're newly qualified. So that must mean Yes, straight in the deep end with yeah without bedside manner Yeah, straight in there. I mean the second you start working at hospital you go start delivering bad news It's crazy just to be like Yeah, I'm I'm I'm you know, whatever 24 and I'm gonna I'm gonna tell this

58 year old that their 89 year old mother is dying. Matt, Matt, easier to get away with maybe in the days when it was just like, if you were a doctor, it was a bit like being a baron. And so the age was so irrelevant because you were like, but they're a baron. Right. Yes. Now because we live in a much flatter, more equal society, it's just like, you're 20. Yeah. You're 25. It's actually hard to get away with that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, as I left the bay following this conversation, I guess the medical bay, you know about hospitals, right? Yeah. The bay would be

where the weather, where the patient is, right? But then they wouldn't have this conversation right in front of the patient. I'm with him unconscious maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. As I left the bay following this conversation, another patient who suffered with dementia politely got my attention. So, politely got my attention.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Doc Vic. So I asked how I could help. She then proceeded to shout at the top of her voice. I didn't read ahead, hang on. So hang on, this is what's happened. She's gone, I'm so sorry. Your mother is reaching the end of her life.

Thank you, doctor, thank you. Of course, I'll leave you to, so as you walk, tick, tick, tick. her life. Thank you, doctor. Thank you. Of course, I'll leave you to, so as you walk, tick, tick, tick. Excuse me, excuse me, doctor. Oh, it's that dementia lady. I doesn't say it's, yeah, it's a lady. Oh, it's that dementia lady. Yes, how can I help you?

She then proceeded to shout at the top of her voice, could your trousers be any tighter? You look horrible! We can all see your awful lumps of flesh! No! No! The idea of screaming at someone, you look horrible. You look horrible!

You look horrible! We can all see your awful lumps of flesh! The idea of screaming at someone, you look horrible. You look horrible. You look horrible. We can all see your awful lumps of flesh. Many, many people were in the vicinity and heard her say this, including the daughter of the dying patient. Oh no. It seemed something of an unfair criticism since I'm a very petite human with a weight roughly comparable to that of a gently overfed Labrador Of course, I responded with a solid. Okay. Thank you

Added I'll bear that in mind for good measure. Oh, okay. Thank you Victoria. That's so funny. That's funny Victoria Excuse me, doctor. Yes, how can I help you? Could your trousers be any tighter? You look horrible Yes, how can I help you? Could your trousers be any tighter? You look horrible. We can all see your awful lumps of flesh. She means bum cheeks. Well, it could be anything.

And there are many kinds of flesh that can- Be lumps. That can be lumps if you squeeze hard enough. If your trousers are tight enough, you can make a lump out of anything. That is inspiring. Thank you. Don't worry kids. If your trousers are tight enough, you can make a lump out of any flesh. I'm not imagining Victoria's wearing sort of end of Greece style leather trousers in the dementia ward.

And there's the big heels and everything. Sandy! Just really messing with their heads. The lady from Greece was here earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down, grandma. I've never watched Greece and I never want to. I've seen clips of it and I'm aware of the songs. It is quite the experience because it's really adult. It really strikes you. They're talking

about like the chicks screaming when they see his car. The lesson of the film is if your guy doesn't like you because you don't dress with you don't smoke and wear tight clothes, do that. You should do that. And then you like it. And that's very mathematical. Yeah, was it like they get all dressed up like fucking leather fetishists and they fly into the sun. Do they fly into the sun? The car just takes off into the sky. Gosh, maybe it does. It just flies. Yeah. Am I insane? Have I dreamt this Felipe?

That might be Chitty Chitty Bang Bang you're thinking of no dude, they drive off and this car just goes up into the air. Everyone's cheering and everyone. No one's going. Right, you know, they should be terrified. With the aliens. They go to heaven. But it is sort of implied that they die in a crash. Lightning is sort of magic that Greece Lightning is sort of... Magic. Might be magic. It's such a cool car.

It looks like a metaphor for the fact that they drove off and immediately died in an auto wreck. This is the other theory of Greece. Is it? That they're all dead. No, it isn't. That's the same theory of anything. Yeah, it's that they're all dead. You can find a fucking Reddit post that it's the theory of fucking Barney the Dinosaur. Oh, those kids are all dead.

People are just obsessed with the idea that all the kids are dead and things. I'm gonna try and get the clip. Maximize it so we can see. Alright so here we are. The singing, the dancing. Oh yeah the car is flying up. You're right. It's flying to the sky. Yeah you're right I forgot about that.

And they're all just waving and jumping and smiling. And Greece Lightning's flying. Wow! This actually, it becomes a bit... There's like a shot of it in the sky like a plane. It turns into Top Gun at the end. Immediately Danger Zone starts playing and they get taken out by a Russian MIG. Yeah, Sandy just blacks out from the G-Force. Yes,

Sandy's waving. Yeah, the cheeks flapping. Dant, dant, dant, dant, dant, Sandy, Sandy, she's on our tail. Just passed out, head rolling. Someone's got to do an edit of that. Someone with more time than me. Well, speaking of time, we've run out of it. We've run out of time. That is the episode. Thank you so much for listening.

Good to have Pierre back from Edinburgh. I'm back, baby. And do watch our specials, Pierre's on YouTube. The People's Netflix. The People's Netflix. The People's Netflix. And I'm on Netflix, the People's YouTube. Wanging their baby live on Netflix now. Add it to your list to please the robot. And come to Bud Pod Live 25th September,

Lester Square Theater. Bye. Bye. Go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back to school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido. At your side.