BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 283 - Draculad

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Welcome back to PodBud, this week the boys discover and discuss Pierre’s spooky celebrity lookalike, why women love magicians and of course our weekly correspondents.Koji x Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 283. 283. Look at me. I've got a Netflix special out baby. It is out now. That's right. It's just out this week. Wang in there, baby. We've had a little party. You rented one of those, well, for the party. It's one of those London venues where upstairs it's like a little, oh, there's only space for seven people. Oh, some olives. Yeah, tiny bar. And I thought it would

be the same downstairs and then downstairs it was like fucking Hitler's bunker, this extensive fortification system. There was a dance floor, there was a whole extra massive pub sized bar. There was a like a Hitler's bunker. He has a dance floor. There was a whole extra massive pub-sized bar. There was a... Like in Hitler's bunker. He was a big dancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like in that scene in Downfall where they're dancing. There's all disco lights. It was massive downstairs. And all the stars were out. All the stars were there.

All the hottest clowns and freaks were there. Pierre was there. Rhys James was there. Yeah. All the hottest clowns and freaks were there. Pierre was there. Yeah. Rhys James was there. Yeah. All the stars. All the biggest stars. How do you feel? Yeah.

So we were just talking about tiredness as we have now. Yesterday I was just, I have this, when I have a nice big party, I get a lot of texts afterwards from people who are nicely saying, fun time, thank you. And the next, I don't reply for two days because the next day I'm just wrecked. I'm just dead. But just the emotional effort of going through your messages, like you've just been elected. Yes. It's like you're the new premier of Latvia and you have to return all these calls like Germany, Japan, or the head of NATO.

He called. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much. Yeah. It's so much. But like there's people out there where it doesn't take any emotional energy for them.

Isn't that nuts? It's incredible. Yeah. I, I have to have WhatsApp on my laptop open. And I go through them like emails. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Because I'm an Inbox Zero guy. Oh, yeah. You can't be like that in this business. It's going to be torture.

WhatsApp at the very least. WhatsApp Zero, yes. My email inbox hovers around 30. And if it gets bad, maybe 80. I'm in box. I'm in box zero within the last year. If it's from 2017 and I didn't read it and it's still counting it, that's not my problem. Oh, okay.

You know, okay. I'm not going back just to do that. But the actual number has it there. The numbers are very huge. You are you one of these where the numbers like 2000 something. Cool. Cause I imported, I use the email on my phone to get emails from like two different email addresses and I imported all the emails.

But if they imported, they're new. Even when they're from 2013 or whatever. I'm not going back through and like I'm on my deathbed. I'm not going back through my fucking emails. When I look over at someone's phone and their mail app has 2368, I'm like, I would have to freeze, put myself in a freezer and just freeze myself. But for me, it's like, it's got to the point now where the number is just, it's just this red blob on my email app and I don't really see it anymore.

Right. So then you go on your inbox when you, and you just check emails and how far do you go back? As far as I need to go? Remember. I check my emails so consistently throughout the day that it's fine. Right. But why would I check my email from August 2021? I was there at that point. If I missed anything, it's gone now.

Yeah, right. It's over. If I've missed an email from four years ago, it must have been not that important. Okay. And what am I going to do? Find it and then feel bad about the missed opportunity. It's too late for that. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, that's a good way to go about it. But I'm an email nihilist. What's the point? What's the point? I get that sometimes. Yeah. But now I've got, I got to the back. I got back to everyone on WhatsApp there. I, uh, people are posting nice pictures on Instagram at the party. It was weird having a party where the whole point is like, talk about me, talk about me,

say thank you to me. A little like a, that's the most unfair thing about this business is not every comedian, but I'd say most comedians are sort of pretty reserved, self-effacing people in the sense that like, they don't want things to be about them. They like to undermine themselves with humor, which is the opposite of being an actor. And then the industry with your success makes you become like someone at Versailles.

There's no limit to the number of letters I can reply to in a day. Another ball to attend, wonderful. Just this complete imposition onto of like psychotically extroverted confident behavior onto a bunch of backroom nerds. That's it. Yeah. And the comics who can pull it off successfully, I think, well, we must be lying about one side of this. Are you actually not a vulnerable truth speaker? Yeah. Or are you actually not a gregarious. Yeah. Oh, I actually

not gregarious party animal. They're like daywalkers. Yeah. But people came and everyone came up, came up to me and said, congratulations. And I go, Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's nothing. It's nothing. And let's speak to some friends who are married. And they're like, this is exactly what your wedding is by the way. You have to say, if you accept congratulations from like a hundred people and not have any full conversations with anyone because you're just running around and saying thank you.

And that's the way it should be, I think. Because if you think about it, if you had that for 99 of your 100 guests and then there was just one guest that by some chance you managed to have a half hour conversation with you'd be like, I'll never forget the day I got married. And I had that conversation with Chris about, you know, he would have undue prominence. Yeah, right. Much undue importance assigned to this conversation. Maybe even other guests would be like, Phil really, something important

they're talking about. And it's just random. I guess his best friend is Chris. Yeah. I guess, I guess that conversation I half overheard them having about, you know, plug adapters, whatever the fuck. Hmm. The wait times at the airport, some just chit chat. Hmm.

That must be really important. Yeah. So I was doing that all night and, uh, there was a little photo booth, there was a magician. There was a magician and to be clear, he was invited. He was invited. A magician didn't just burst through one of the underground doors and stuff. He's got called Gareth Callian, and he did magic at the BAFTA Games Award party and I thought he's great and added on

Insta. And then so I asked him for this as well. Because I found out at the party, you need a little roving action. You need someone who's going around doing a little something, something. You need a magician. You need a balloon animal guy. You need an assassin. And he was going around and I noticed that the

ladies of them. Yeah, the fellas were kind of fellas and all re could take or leave them in magic more for the most part. But the ladies loved it so much. I would just view it whenever I watch it. I'm always impressed. But I'm viewing it as such a technical problem. Right? Yeah, because the whole problem is, well, how did it happen? Yes. So then I'm just too, that's what I'm thinking about. The, but is this the male problem with, with magic?

I think some guys, men don't like feeling someone's had one over on Flummoxed. Yes. I, I don't mind it. I just, I, I want to know. just, I want to know. Callian was saying that he, he did a corporate job at, uh,

like a party for a big company going around doing these tricks. And he did tricks with like bending forks and spoons. Yeah. And the CEO was like, you know, these, these are fake spoons and fake forks. No way. No, he can do that. No way. And the CEO hired him again for a different party and brought his own cutlery. The CEO brought his own cutlery for him to do the trick on. And... That's so funny.

Yeah. So the CEO is treating a magician the same way that like a medieval king would have treated a magician. Yeah. Five high upon this, which is trickery of the spoon. Come again to the next feast. This is like a fable about how a magician tricked a king into hiring him over and over again.

Yeah. And it happens three times and the third time something different happens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a thousand and one nights.

The Arabian nights. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. To stay his execution. To stay his execution. He keeps bending spoons of different levels of strength and provenance. He's like, I'll tell you if the trick ever fails. And the king is like, keep him at the court forever. Such a fucking CEO thing to do. Like, I won't be fooled. I will not. You must return. I'm going to keep hiring this magician until I figured out his tricks without any help.

Like a clear psycho. That's so funny. That is like a CEO behavior. Yeah. Go on diary of a CEO, talk about what you learned from being baffled by magic. about what you learned from being baffled by magic. So yeah, that was really fun. But yeah, I think guys need to lighten up around magicians. You're not meant to figure it out. No, I just I really want to know. I don't want to know so I can be like, ha, now you have no power over me, seer warlock. Whence your magic's now, you eldritch creature. I just want to know.

Yeah. I know a few card tricks, but that's the most basic bitch ones, like the fucking ones at the start of the little manual for whatever lonely kid is reading through a magic book manual. Yeah, I know some card tricks, but you can so clearly see what I'm doing. I'm basically looking at the card. And I give it back to you. That's the level of, of masking them. Some of those are the most powerful ones, the simplest ones.

Also, like I'm just trying to watch the sleight of hand. I'm just being like, but I don't know what's the distraction or not. Try to figure it out. Hmm. Hmm. But okay. Callian's great. I mean, you're right up there, right in front. Close uphmm. Mm-hmm. But, okay, Calian's great. I mean, you're right up there, right in front.

Colossal magic is the most insane. It's amazing. You need to have a very high boredom tolerance. To practice that again and again and again. And just do the, obviously, just to do the tricks again and again and again to people. No, but like, that's the same with our jokes. It's always a different audience responding. I find it hard.

Oh, that's true. You still get a rush out of it. That's the same with our jokes. It's always a different audience responding. I find it hard. You still get a rush out of it. I just mean sitting on your own and going like, today's project is for the next eight hours, I will make my hand be able to turn a card around really quickly with my ring finger. I mean, fucking hell, this should be surgeons. Yeah, that's true. To just go like this, and then your lungs are gone. I mean he did this one trick where he had the deck of cards all facing down. Yeah. And he moved his hand and then they're all facing up.

Yeah. But you have to turn all the cards individually upwards. But you've got to sit at the edge of your bed. How do you do it? You've got to sit at the edge of your bed for a whole weekend just going free free Free free. Yeah, free free And I don't know if you're allowed to have a podcast on off that would be distracting the whole time resisting the urge to play solitaire That's what I do. I do that's why I can be a car magician I just like me just one more game of solitaire and the whole time resisting the urge to just go to sleep or just jacket

Which is different me out. Let's have a have a sandwich make it toasty anything else It's true your dedication thing the urge to just go to sleep or just jacket which is different. I have a have a sandwich, make it toasty. Anything else? It's true. Your dedication. The level of discipline. Yeah, yeah. It's like learning to play the piano or something. I once shared all the cars. That's it. Yeah. I once shared I got a lift to a gig. Back in the old days, like a seven hour lift to somewhere in like Devon, a gig with a magician. And he did stand up. Like he did do straight stand up. He didn't do

any magic. And I was chatting to him and I was like asking him like, wait, so are you like more of a magician or comedian? He was like, No, I'm a magician, like, make good money on a cruise ships and stuff. Like he's been on the cover of the Magic Circle magazine or whatever a couple of times like he was. And he was like, I'm not the a cruise ships and stuff. Like he's been on the cover of the Magic Circle magazine or whatever a couple of times like he was, he was like, I'm not the best at magic, but I'm the funniest. Ah, he was I do these gigs, to keep my pattern sharp. This like this, the income from

this gig is not my bread winning, you know, that's like corporates and cruisers. But I come and I do these, you know, let's talk, let's be honest, shitty little gigs, just to keep his comedy muscle sharp. Because there's a lot of magicians, you know, way better at designing tricks than me, way more impressive close up. But I've got the best pattern. Yeah, yeah, his edge. And yeah, if you're funny. Yeah. You don't you don't have to be very funny to be the funniest magician I imagine one less. This is the thing. He's like, I'm an okay comedian, but I'm the funniest magician Because he said like there's guys who do these incredible tricks

It's such a great reality TV show the funniest magician the funniest magician Just completely focused on the pattern trick is completely secondary cards falling about the place Everything's wrong But it's such an economy coming in half oh just bunny guts coming out of a hat just the head and the spine all the kids in the crowd just traumatized people are crying laughing they go he wins never mind his pattern that was very funny very funny to watch those children form a permanent memory. Looking at this rabbit's raw spine. I think there's a lot of jobs where you don't need to be the best if you're the funniest.

I thought about that when I briefly did some Twitch streaming. On Twitch you're either the best at a video game. And as a result of being that kind of person, probably not that funny. Why would people want to watch someone who's just really good at the game? To know what is possible? Why does anyone watch people who are good at football? I don't know. Yeah, I also do wonder that. Yeah, no, sure. But clearly it's popular. It's to see what's possible to see the sheer,

to gasp at the skill. But if you're the kind of person, it's like whenever they do interviews with Olympians, they're not funny people. No. These are people who've been getting up at four in the morning to throw shot put every day for their whole life. They're too full of protein to be funny. They're too full of protein. They can't get the jokes past the amino acids. And there's nothing ironic about trying to get an Olympic gold.

It's the most sincere thing you can do. I think that's what I find tough about the Olympics. It's the sincerity of it all. Is it the most sincere event? I think it is. Especially when it's like the triathlon. It's like, this is goofy. You're swimming and then jumping on a bicycle.

This is funny. It's funny, right? And then at the end they're like, thank you. That was goofy. You're swimming and then jumping on a bicycle. This is funny. It's funny, right? And then at the end they're like, thank you. Yeah. You jumped, you, you jumped off a skateboard and then you fight an arrow at a target. That's funny. How is, why is this an event? Yeah. And like, I was the fastest at swimming and then jumping on a glider. And then I had like Wiley coyote had to jump into a boat and then I had to,

this is goofy. I'm gonna throw a spear. Yeah, like a stone age. Like a caveman. I throw spears. I've only ever thrown spears my whole life. My spear throwing contest that is so important, it's part of geopolitics.

How? The cold war, the metal tables, China, America, who's going to get the most? It's like politically important. That's how sincere it is. Yeah. Yeah. All those fucking Soviet weightlifters. Yeah, right. Like, none of their steroid abuse is showing up on tests because the steroids are like new and only invented and used in the Soviet Union or whatever like wow they do like anti-radar steroids what just you have to test for the steroids you're aware of right wow so you have to constantly find new ways to to trick the system yeah there's doping i found out uh in pigeon racing no on. You can dope a pigeon. What are you, are they like spiking the feed?

No, no, no, no, no. Obviously you can always drag someone else's pigeon. I mean, you can dope your own pigeon. With steroids. With antihistamines. So they don't catch bird flu. Yeah. Something about the antihistamine,

like antihistamine from like booths or whatever, there's some chemical in it that the birds just don't get tired as much at all. Like it's really effective and they test for it. So antihistamine is like pigeon cocaine? Yeah, or like pigeon, pigeon methamphetamine maybe. Wow. Something like that. And like you can't, like if you're a human, you can't take beta blockers and do rifle

shooting. Why? Slows your heart rate down Keeps you incredibly calm. That's part of the skill of rifle shooting is being able to be completely still. Oh You're not allowed to take beta blockers because it gives you an advantage. That's what I'm saying So I thought you meant it was dangerous to take beta blockers and do go rifle shooting. No quite the opposite It makes you even safer. Nice No No It's not like you can't do angel dust and do the rifle shooting event because you'll shoot the referee because he's

got the head of a ram. No, no, no, no. It's doping. But beta blockers wouldn't be doping if you were doing the 4,000 meters. It's all contextual. Yes. Interesting. What would be doping for comedy? I just wanted, I mean, cocaine. Yeah, but that's a certain kind of high-energy charisma based comedy I would have said weed was doping for comedy, but not after your reports back from America weed No, absolutely not. Yeah, not that all only if you do it to the crowd like the Joker Yes, that's all the laughing gases. It's just fucking weed vapes. I think probably like I reckon like Ritalin or something would be for the right performance enhancing drug But even on stage it to be very focused and quick

Isn't it? Yes, but the you have to be focused in a way that's quite free-ranging though. Mmm, but for the writing definitely. Mmm free ranging, though, for the writing, definitely. Study drugs, those were just coming in when when we left uni, in the UK, they'd been in the US for a long time. There's a guy who lived in the same little bit of the accommodation as me is younger than me. And he'd got some he'd ordered them from the internet from India. Wow, some sort of study drug. I can't remember the name. Are they like ADHD medicine? But if you don't have ADHD, it makes you, Oh no. Is it, it makes you ADHD if you don't have ADHD.

Oh no, that's the speed one. Yeah. These ones were something else where it's just like hyper-focused. But he said, um, he said, you have to be careful cause whatever you're focusing on when it kicks in is what you'll focus on. Wow. That's dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. So he'd gotten like, he'd played this, this completely pointless online Tetris simulator game for like seven hours. Cause he'd been doing that waiting

for, to feel it kick in. And then he was like, I swear I can get the high score if I just, and then just, it was like 6 AM and the drugs haven't kicked in just yet. So I have a little more time to try this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he realized, oh shit. Okay. I need to, you just sort this out. Yeah. Goddamn. He offered me some the night before the exam I was most worried about. And I just, I thought, this is not the time to experiment. It's not the time to try a new drug.

This is not the time to be at the start of like a Marvel movie, where the character's in need and the sinister figure offers them an experimental treatment. And that's how you become a study man. The man who can focus on anything. Oh man, I wish I could, I need that so badly. I'm so tired. I'm all I ever am is tired these days. It's my, my, my job is like, I'm tired.

I didn't, when I find time, I do comedy. You're the most tired man I know. Is that true? I think you might be. You're not the least active man I know. I know people who do less. Yeah, right. But they're not as tired.

They're just disorganized. I really wear my tiredness, but I don't see how you cannot. Yesterday I did a radio show, I recorded a radio show I'm presenting with Suzy Dent called Unspeakable was coming on radio for either next month maybe. Available now question mark. Please don't check that. It's not available yet.

It definitely won't be available yet. It's things October. But like yesterday, the guests we had were Stephen Fry, Jack D, Miles Jupp. These are childhood icons. Yeah. And I was sleepy from my party. And I was like, hello, Stephen, do you like a word? But what I don't understand is why the adrenaline doesn't get you across the line. Because I know the feeling you mean.

Yeah. You go, I've got to do this thing now. But then the sheer kind of horror of duty. It used to. The adrenaline used to. I don't get it anymore. I think I've done it too many times now. You're like Genghis Khan. You've seen so much. Yeah.

You're bored. I'm not bored, but... Another city to be besieged. Because I don't get the fight or flight anymore. My body doesn't have to inject me with adrenaline anymore. My body just goes, I want to go home. I'm being bad. But earlier on in my twenties, when I was new to comedy, yeah.

Yeah. I, I like those first end and infringes I did. I just, I'd be kicking up until like 1 a.m. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. More, more, more. Look at me. Look at me, world. I'm unstoppable.

I'm throwing my head into a wall. I'm, ah. And now you're like, we Willy Winky, just a big cloth hat on and a candle and a saucer. Yeah. And your night shirt. It just is all less big to me. Literally, the rooms look smaller. So like, I go to a gig the last time I did was in, I don't know, say when I was 25, 24. And I'll go back to a venue I did then. And in my memory, it's huge. And I go back and like, this is quite small. It's a terrifying cavern. Yeah. Yeah. But when I go back, it's like, oh, this is 200 seats. It's, it's, it's, I had that awesome doing tour support with Frank, like,

because we're doing, you know, these thousands of people, huge rooms. And I'd go back to doing like a 60 seat and I'd be like, are we all having dinner? Yeah, exactly. It just feels intimate as hell. And I can see everyone's eyelashes. Yeah. Feels insane. Yeah.

But it's just like, yeah, it just like I became a gig alcoholic and I needed like really strong gigs to feel the hit. You were chasing the gig dragon. Yeah. Yeah. Now that you've caught him. Yeah.

Um, and the gig dragon is of course my new Netflix special. Wringing there, baby. Streaming now on Netflix worldwide. Double thumb it. Yes. Give us some thumbs. Add it to a list even if you don't watch it just yet. Give us your thumbs.

Um, I'll be getting nice messages about it. Thank you for all the kind messages. Thank you as well. I should keep saying this, but thank you as well for the messages about the book. I would say I get a very personal and touching DM once or twice a day about the book. Wow. That's great. Yeah.

Very regular. day about the book. Wow, that's great. Yeah, regular. It's making its way through the the dork population perfectly. All the biggest nerds. Yeah, that's a lot of sales. That must be. I don't know. I think maybe in my percentage of people who read the book are going to message you. I don't know. I think because if you relate to it so hard, we're like people are sending me messages where they like, like one of them said something along the lines of how could someone I've never met perfectly describe the inside of my head. They're at that level. Yeah.

But I think if that is the effect it has on you, then you do message. So you think your book has a higher messaging rate than most people? Per reader, yes. I think that's probably right. So I'm imagining this like, if the population is like a big block of Stilton, big block of blue cheese, the blue veins, those are my readers. It's just these thin little blue lines all connected to each other. They're all passing it on to their other friend. Because everyone knows each other. Who's a big nerd. So they're mold, basically. You're calling them mold. Yes. Me and my readers are mold. And we're the reason for flavor in society.

But it's true. Like, because autistic and ADHD people, there's a great deal of what they call social clustering, which is why in comedy, ADHD to a greater extent, but even autism has kind of gone through like wildfire where, you know, Fern called me out on it. She understood that I was before I did. I've done that to like... It's like a fucking pyramid scheme, man. Yeah, I've done it to like four people. Yeah. And if you just diagnose four friends and they are diagnosed four friends.

They become autistic and eventually we can do a kind of Freemasons thing and just take over the world. And then we can sell stamp collections to all of them. Yeah. Yeah. Every month you'll get another piece of the autistic puzzle for your collection. Do you collect anything? Every month you'll get another piece of the autistic puzzle for your collection. Do you collect anything?

I used to. I used to. What do I collect anything now? I have to resist the urge. There's a bit in the book about this where I've got this dark string that gets tugged on. Yeah. My chest whenever I see a chance to collect something. Even something I have no interest in. Football sticker cards. Yeah. I look at those packs by the till and I go, perhaps just one could be good to care about these.

One might be shiny, of course. That's always nice. Yes. Oh, Pokemon cards from a generation of Pokemon so late I don't even know any of them. But I could learn. I could learn. I could learn their names. I could learn their strengths. I could learn their secrets. Oh, yeah. It's, well, I have to resist it. I've been followed by a couple of people who do, they're not even big accounts, but I always click through and look because they're Warhammer figurine painting accounts. Oh, yeah. Your old vice. And I'm looking at the figurines and I'm going, God, look at the shading he's achieved. The shading he's achieved. The scene from American Psycho.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just dots of sweat on my face as I look at my phone. People asking me what's wrong. Nothing. I'm just looking at an old friend. I guess I collect video games now. Yeah, but does that count as collecting? Because then you could say that I collect toilet paper because I just do need it. I just go through it, right? I collect toilet paper. I collect rice. I collect cutlery. I have loads of it.

That's right. That's true. My girlfriend has a cool... Some people have quite cool collections and my girlfriend collects Dracula's. So editions of Dracula. Oh, I see. I just thought you meant like any and all, like just like a little vinyl cartoon, Dracula.

No, just like different printings of Dracula, different like editions of Dracula. Bram Stoker's. Yes. He's my celebrity lookalike, as Frank Skinner pointed out. Really? Google image search Bram Stoker. I'd like to think I'm a trifle slimmer, even though I've been eating a lot of trifle lately.

Nice. Thank you. I almost wrote Bram Stoker, which is his porn alter ego. That's it. Yeah, yeah. Bram Stoker. Wow. Yeah, you're wow.

You know, it's dumb, but I always assumed he looked like a vampire. No, he looks like he's a rugby forward. Oh, he's Irish.'s dumb, but I always assumed he looked like Dracula. No, he looks like he's a rugby forward. Oh, he's Irish. I didn't know that. Yes. I didn't know Dracula was written by an Irish person. Yeah. One of the oldest jokes on Bad Boy I remember that still makes me laugh is that you don't get any Irish vampires. That's true. Wow. Way to culturally appropriate Bramster. Is he Irish Irish or is he like Oscar Wilde Irish where it's like he was born in Dublin

and then from the age of zero he was immediately sent to boarding school in England where he lived for the rest of his life. He looked pretty Irish. He looks Irish, sure. Sorry, I mean, I'm bad at looking at his. His parents were... Irish, I'm English and Irish. yeah, both his parents are English Irish. There's a lot of Anglo Irish.

I love the name Sligo. Sligo is a cool name, but we, years ago on Bud Pod, we talked about how there's no Irish vampires, even though they have lots of castles. He played rugby for Dublin University. Hey, imagine playing rugby against Bram Stoker. I got tackled by the creator of Dracula today. Do you think that's where he got like, as he would tackle you, he'd go, Blair. That's where he got that from. Obviously, it's not in the book, but it'd be very funny if in a Victorian novel,

it'd be like Blair said Dracula as he. Where did that come from? Dracula going Blair Blair. It'll be one of these things would be like a single mover, a single TV show. Like, you know, like, you know, the pirates having West Country accents came from one actor, one old movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause Cornwall was just moderately well known for pirates and he was an English actor. Yeah. Yeah. That's it.

Not mad. Yes. It is funny the idea that Dracula, the ultimate sort of emo thing was written by an Irish jock. A big old big old boy who played rugby. Yeah, an Irish prop wrote like the quintessential Gothic classic. Probably the best book ever written by a prop. Do you know who else played rugby in high school? Oh. Shea Guevara.

Wow, really? His nickname was El Furibundo. What does that mean? The firework. That was his rugby nickname? Yeah, because he would have these flying to these great rages on the pitch. He was like an absolute maniac. Wow. He was a big, big team. Is that his rugby nickname? Yeah, because he would have these flying to these great rages on the pitch. He was like an absolute maniac.

Wow. He was a big, big team. I wonder if any other literary rugby players, there must be someone not thinking of from the Victoria. Well, some of them were posh. It must be. That's true. Some of them went to publicity. But Bram Stoker's on the uni team. Yeah.

That's big. He must have been decent. Yeah, he looks big. Yeah. He looks like a big. Yeah. He looks like a big fucker. I wonder what, what, what, what, aren't if any rugby got into, into Dracula. He does, he does try to suck your blood.

That's true. He can, he's, there's a convert. You convert. Yeah. He converts people into vampires. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

By throwing them over some poles. The fangs look like the posts. Do you think that's how you got the idea? He was knocked over in a tackle and he saw the rugby posts from upside down. And he thought, those could be in a mouth. Do you think he ever got like fucking shit from his teammates about, well, obviously he hadn't written Dracula by then. We're like, ah, sure, Bram, you're always going on about Transylvania, would you fucking

give it a rest? Was part of the crack of the team that we were raggles. Romania dis, Romania dat. Why do you just fuck off there? Stalkers always going on about the Eldritch horrors. Imagine being a goth prop. We've talked about how you don't get muscly goths, but also you definitely don't get rugby prop goths.

Black lipstick in the scrum. Be intimidating. It would. Well, speaking of furious props. This rubber chicken has come to life. Oh, sorry, it's correspondence. It's correspondence. So this message is from Phil.

Yes, long time fan, first time emailing. I have some issues with Pierre. It's just me without a mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hello Phil, what a wonderful name. Phil, what a thrill. What a thrill. Hi, Bud Podington Peas.

I think we've had that. Bud Podington Peas. Maybe from Phil. Cause Podington Peas is a kids show. Oh, I don't know it. Yeah, I think maybe he's sticking with the form of address. That's nice if everyone has their own unique form of address. Yes, that would be good.

By which we can identify them. By which we can know them by their family name. As someone who is committed to doing the learning required for decolonization. Oh, I got that into the radio for sure yesterday. I think we were talking about poo. One of the words was poo and I got it in and the round of applause I got because people thought I'd just come up with it. The dirtiest round of applause.

Just Miles Jupp going, very good. And me going, yeah, so I only just came up with that. You grasping Miles Jupp by his still somehow cricket gloved hand, shaking his wicket keepers mitt. In my head he's always dressed for cricket. As someone who's committed to doing the learning required for decolonization, I come before you as a frustrated person who hates corporate speak but must trawl through reams of it as part of a piece of work I'm doing.

Ah, interesting. Research. In trying not to alienate people and sound impressive, corporate, corporate, who can say we're the corporate? Who can stop talking about who? Not me and you. In trying to not alienate people and sound impressive, corporate language and actions have devolved into utterly meaningless drek. I recently had to look through a

certification process for ensuring organizations meet the B-Labs standards. B-Labs? Black Labradors? That's what all the cool kids told them. Hey, nice B-Lab. Thanks, Bud. I like your B B lab. That's what they say in the park on they mean People walk through the pain a lot of B labs out today Got some B labs got some g labs some gr's was that golden retrievers? Oh, yeah Yeah, G rats G rats G rats rats. G rats. Got some G rats. Got some B labs. This is the coolest dog pound I've ever been to. Some shits. So the B labs standards is the is the wee bee logo you see on some adverts. Oh, I think I've seen this in the circle. Yeah. Yes.

Which requires organizations to remember, and these are all in capitals, people, planet and profit. Okay. In all their decisions. Hmm. Surely all companies remember profit and all their decisions. Yes. Yeah.

Certainly they don't have to be told that. No, that's the part that they're best at. People, planet. So planet will be environment, people will be like equity. Equity stuff. Yeah. D-I sort of thing. And profit is money. The language is all about achieving synergy and actualizing the power to create change

and other nonsense. That's funny. Actualizing the power to create change. Shoot me in the fucking mouth. I have no idea what that means, which is probably the plan. However, this one example absolutely topped it with the B lab site proudly proclaiming in order to bring the B Corp legal requirement to life. Innocent, the smoothie people, places two spare chairs around the boardroom table. So two empty chairs around the table deliberately. One for the environment

and one for society. They put out symbolic chairs. So they always have a seat at the table. You're kidding. One for Dracula, one for Jesus. Opposite ends, of course. Don't sit there. The society is sitting there. Pour some chairs out for the homies we lost. What the hell? An extra little chair for the environment.

Just pouring a little strawberry smoothie on the ground for the environment. And that is innocent as well. We put five banana whammers into your juicy wuss. Two little raspberry boo-boos in your little fucking... We had to discuss the quarterly profit projections of... a boogity woo-boo,os, kiwipiwis. We've had a little bit of a union disputey-wooty with a lot of the banana plantation workers dirkers. A bunch of people in El Salvador got minced in the banana mincer.

Now we've added some fingers, finger wingers to your fucking smoothie worthy. For legal reasons, these are fictional events. Has anyone pointed out to innocent that one of the most environmentally friendly things they could do is only make juice from things that grows in the country where they sell it and immediately go out of business? Because because all fruit is gross. It's just apple juice. Apple juice. Yeah, it's all apple juice anyway. That's the base. Yeah, every juice is like 80% apple juice. Google apple juicification. Yes, it's very funny. You can look at

an entire glowing multicolored rainbow shelf of juices. Yeah. And apart from orange juice, it's just all 80% apple juice. What's weird is I hardly ever see apple trees. I don't see, I see very few orchards out there. Like not just in the UK, but if I go on holiday to like a fruit producing country, I don't see many orchards. No, they're out of sight. I think they hide them, yeah. They're not like vineyards. People don't go and visit orchards. They're worried.

But they do, don't they? They go apple picking is a thing. You can do, yeah. But there's so much apple juice. It's in every juice. It must be the most widely seen fruit. Fruit? Fruit plantation. The most common type. It's one of those fruits that doesn't grow if the country's too hard. You wouldn't really have apples inzil. But they have other fruits. That's true. But yeah, it would just be apple juice.

Apple juice and Ribena is like berries, right? Like we've got the berry market if I can sign up in this country. It's true. Apples, berries, that's it really. What other fruit do we have? Yeah, a bunch of berries in it. It's all berries. Potatoes.

Potato juice. EG vodka. Elderflower. Yeah, elderflower flavorings. We've got all weird flowers and stuff. Dams and fruit. Fruit-wise. We've got some grapes in the South.

Anything we make jam out of. Yeah, right. Apricots. Do we? Do we grow apricots? That's gonna be a mess. Surely not. It's like Northern Africans.

That feels too hot. But anyway, that is disgusting. So he happened. banana Whammy's Phil continues about innocent, innocent smoothie worthies. quarterly projections, wections. I hate that there are people out there that feel this is acceptable and not utter bollocks to make people feel like they are doing something. Somewhere out there in the world is an actual paid adult who thought this was a credible idea. Yeah. It's not

quite meaningless and horrible advert speak or tat but it is the corporate version whereby using a million words and futile gestures, you can vaguely convince some people you're actually doing something to help the planet. Yours, Jack and it Phil. Yeah, it's a yeah, this whole corporate. What's that term on it? He is Kabuki. Corporate Kabuki.

Corporate Kabuki. It's it's little dance. I find it fascinating. And I always talk about I always remember when Gillette did that. They changed their slogan to the best a man can be. Yeah. And the advert was like a guy helping a young boy who was being bullied and another guy stopping men from calling a woman. And they're like, together we're making the change. And at the end was they wrote www.thebestamancanbe.org.

Yeah. .org. Wow. What is this? Like they set up a charity and organization dot org. Yeah. Dot org. Wow. What is this like the setup and charity and organization is a brand new org to defeat toxic masculinity. And, and I thought, well, I guess no one's actually there's no link here. They just put it on the screen. I was gonna actually put this in. So I typed in www dot what the best a man can be.org. Enter. www. Jilad.com. Just you want some razors?

I'm against bullying too. Cool, man. You want to shave your face? It's almost like they were still about shaving the face really. That's their main business. Anything that hurt the business they wouldn't do because it's not the job of a business. It's not their job. It's the idea that like, hey, you know those guys that make shoes? Yeah. They're going to help out with recycling now. Why?

Why? Their job is to make shoes. Yeah. Just make the shoes. They're going to do something that is so eco-friendly, it destroys their business model. And then they're gone now and they get eaten by a company that isn't green. No, they're not. Yeah.

That's the end of it. It's all kabuki. It's all Kabuki. It's all Kabuki. Well, now we're going to the executive Kabuki theater of the... We're going to the boardroom. We're going to the boardroom of the Patreon. We're going to the exclusive Patreon boardroom. Yeah, well, there's always a seat for we and Pooh.

Just around the table. Yeah, your post colonization. Post colonization. They're no longer there, But let me skip the chairs. Those chairs have been burned. Yeah. Now there's just what a stool for Jack again. So patrons will see you there.

Everyone else watch my special on Netflix, watch PS special on YouTube and come to Bud Pod live September 25th. We here at Bud pod.org have got a new initiative. It's called Prod Your Bud. It's called Prod Bud. If you're a pod bud, we want you to prod a bud, prog bud. Which means get someone who doesn't listen to Budpod to start listening to Budpod.

Maybe recommend them your favorite episode or clip that you like or a little snippet. Or share one of our delightful videos to your Instagram stories so that we can see that you're doing that. And then we will choose our favorite method or caption or person who's done that technique and give you a shout out. And maybe as this project develops, even some sort of reward. Yes. Also, good example, someone actually sort out the video about the pockets that I said had gone viral on the last episode.

And because I was talking about someone going, who is this comedian? Yeah. And someone saying like a bunch of autism facts about a thing. And I was like, yes, that's like in my book. And they went up and they wrote, and they went like, this guy should do audiobooks. And I was like, I have a book out. Please listen to it. This person, you know who you are. I can't, the notifications are a nightmare on my phone, but thank you, went on there and just wrote in a comment,

I'd love to know the name of this comedian and if he has any books out. And it took me a second, there was a second where I went, oh, no, ah, very good, yeah, great joke. Things like that, engagement, help us please the robots. They, the robots control us now, they're what matters, not as us please the robots they the robots controllers now they're what matters not as people the robot so yeah please prod prod a bud prod a bud to listen to Bud Pod and until next time see you next time bye bye