BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 29 - Correspondent's Dinner 2: Electric Boogaloo

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Correspondent’s Special 2: Electric Boogaloo! That’s right, PodBuds, Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie devote another entire episode to your high-quality nonsense and poo stories. Get in touch! [e-mail] @theBudPod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 29, it's the Correspondence Special, the Correspondence Dinner, etc. Yes, 29 is also my age, and I'm trying to meet more people, new people, so this is perfect. Phil is 29, I'm 28. Yes, I'm very much the father figure of this podcast. Daddy Phil. I'm always setting ps straight i wish i didn't have to mow phil's lawn so much it's the only way you'll learn the the value of a dollar the value of a dollar you're gonna learn the value of a dollar

a lot of yeah a lot of characters in a lot of books and films seem obsessed with the value of a dollar which i guess made more sense in the 50s when all that shit was written, when a dollar was like, hey, that's, you know. That's a lot of money. It's like saying, you need to learn the value of a tenner.

You're like, yeah, I get it. That's a tenner. Sure, I can figure that out. Glenn Moore, friend of the podcast, had a very good joke about see a penny and pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck. Yeah. His joke was like, yeah friend of the podcast, had a very good joke about, see a penny and pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.

Yeah. And his joke was like, yeah, of course. Because when that phrase, like, all those phrases are like 500 years old. So when someone first said that, a penny. That was the good luck. Yeah, exactly. It's like, uh-huh. Pick up a penny and all the day you'll be quite wealthy.

His punchline was something like, that's like saying, buy a house, buy a house, and all day long you'll be quite wealthy. His punchline was something like, that's like saying, buy a house, buy a house, and all day long you'll buy a house. I typed in pound into Google to see what the effect of all of yesterday's parliament shenanigans were on that currency. Oh, yeah. And I discovered there are a lot more countries

that have a currency called the pound than I thought. Yes. Syria. Syrian pound, yeah. Syrian pound. Yeah. I think either Lebanon or Liberia. Maybe it's Lebanese.

Ireland used to. Ireland. It was the Pund. Or the U, I think, or something like that. South Sudan. I think South Sudanese. There's a South Sudanese pound. Oh, interesting. They went for that. South Sudanese. that south sudan i think south sudanese there's a south sudanese pound oh interesting they went

for that um and it's kenyan egyptian pound and in kenya it's kenyan shillings i think i think it's something like that that's one african countries do have cool old-fashioned sounding coins and shit yeah theyloons and shillings. It's proper piratey, though. What is the currency of Nigeria? Is it the Niger? The dollar? Nigerian dollar?

The Niger. I think it's Nigerian dollars. No, it's the Naira. Niger is like the nickname for Nigerian or Nigerian things. It's the Naira. The Naira. Naira is like the nickname for Nigerian or Nigerian things. It's the Naira. The Naira. Ooh. Let's see if you can guess some currencies, Phil. This is a great game.

What is it? I think there is a game to guessing the three-letter abbreviations. Oh, that's true. Ooh, what is it in Turkey? What is a currency in Turkey? It's like a Turkish lira? Lira, yeah. Yes!

Suck it! Suck it, Pierre! But it used to be... Well, lira was what Italians used to have as well. It's what the Romans used. I don't know. I'm just wondering. I feel like in Rome Total War you used liras. Or like in Rome 3 that you paid in liras.

I'm just wondering how the Turks... That's of course where the pound sign comes from. How the Turks got lira. Do you know that's the British pound sign? There's L for lira. No. Yeah. You're telling me a joke.

Yeah, there's a pound that's an L. But they've put a line through. Yeah. Huh. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's going to be like that, is it? You're telling me a joke They've put a line through Okay Okay Something like that is it Angola Is it their own word It's a word that you have heard before

But you absolutely do not associate with currency Okay I can tell you that It's quite odd The Angola Irony It's quite odd. The Angola irony. It's the Angolan Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa? Yeah.

Which is the celebration that... But like the Americans made Kwanzaa up. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder which came first, the Angolan Kwanzaa or the American Kwanzaa. How odd. Aruba uses the Aruban florin like it's fucking 1600s. Wowee. Aruba uses the Aruban florin Like it's fucking 1600s

Wowee Aruba Aruba, Jamaica Would you like some florins? What do they use in Jamaica? The Jamaican Patois The ting

The Jamaican patois This will be three patois Or one patois What do they use? Where is it? Dot Jamaican pound Jamaican dollar Cronas

Jamaican dollar I thought that Crona would require some explanation Thank you Wow how weird Is it? Yeah. I thought that Krona would require some explanation. Thank you. Wow, how weird. Yeah, all the sort of old Dutch Caribbean islands have fucking weird. South Sudanese pound?

Yeah, you're right. And the Sudanese pound. My word. Anyway, this is not what we brought to you. No, this is not correspondence. This is currency. This is correspondence. Ugandan shilling. Anyway.

Just one more. Just as it caught my eye. Let's put Alan Partridge. Ugandan shilling. Anyway. Kieran gets in touch. Hello from Morocco. Kieran and on... Kieran and off again.

Kieran and off again. Greetings, Pooh professors. I'm enjoying the latest Bud Pod from the Atlas Mountains in Morocco. Wow. And after a brush with the most bum bum of all beetles, the bed bugs, I thought I'd share my most libertarian and authoritarian ideas. Probably go in your bum bum. Make a little nest.

Most authoritarian, all zoos should be banned because of the obvious cruelty, he says. I think we've had this before, this particular authoritarian wish. I think so. But it's... I don't know if I agree with it. I don't think it's that cruel. Yeah, if it's not that...

What is... It depends on the animal. If you say, like, here in Dubai, we have an unrefrigerated, exposed piece of rock, and we've put a polar bear on it. Yeah, okay. Yes, absolutely.

Once in the deepest, darkest Borneo, we went to this kind of farm, and in order to attract tourists, they had one crocodile, but it was just in a concrete pit that was just big enough for it to just sit in. They just poke it with sticks. And you look we got a crocodile a bad zoo that's that that i'm very up for making illegal yeah but like a nice high quality zoo yeah i think it's important for um urban urban people to see what animals look like i I mean, that sounds lame, but I believe it. I think it is important, and also if you go to the zoo and you actually see orangutans, you might give a shit that they don't have anywhere

to live, you know? That kind of thing. You need them for education purposes, I think, but they do have to be higher quality than they are. I mean, this guy's emailing from Morocco. Fuck knows what kind of harrowing nonsense. Oh, dude, I was in Morocco. I was in Marrakesh in the big square. What do they call it?

Morocco Square. I don't know. But you just kind of set up your stall. You can sell things. But one guy just had a bunch of little animals that he trapped. And he was just poking them with a stick and just smiling at people, wanting them to give him money. He's like, huh?

Look at this. And just poke a badger in the eye or something. And like there's a snake, he'd just whack on the head. And they're like, huh? What do you think? And they'd just be crawling around on the floor around him, just like, kill us. Yeah, so I'm not surprised if you're in Morocco that you have that urge.

Yeah, that's fair. And then the other thing he says, which I think we've also discussed before, weirdly, is you should allow dueling. Yes, i'm up for bringing dueling back if both parties consent and both are of sound mind i think that is fair enough and they do it in some safe area as a child that's fun it's so frustrating that fighting was illegal yeah people wanted to settle something with a fight and i don't think it was that violent a child. But I thought, if you've both agreed, what business is it of anyone else's?

We're not hurting anyone else. What business is it of the nanny state? Ugh, trying to get away. Pull out pictures. Friend of the podcast, Chris Betts. Christopher Betts. Great joke about fighting. He says fighting for him is like physics. He doesn't understand it, but he does respect

its ability to solve problems. That's good. Great line. We had a lovely email from B, who says that she's an Edinburgh-based... I think it's a she. I don't know if it is, to be honest. I spell B. B as in buzz buzz.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. They are an Edinburgh-based pod bud, and just wanted to say they enjoyed your imitation of Scotland music. Free! Free! No, perfect, she says.

They say, everyone. And can also 100% relate to The Nightmare of the Fringe, because they are a stage manager, and also the hot, muggy fog that Edinburgh has, where it's like foggy and hot as well uh and they say they uh love my show and we're trying to get uh we're about to see your your show phil and when they picked up their tickets the lady on the box office congratulated

her for managing to get some wow how about that you've got box office cred. Literally. Wow. Well, that... Yeah, I should have got a bigger room. I'm sorry. No. Now you'd be a Johnny Sellout. Okay, so this... Well, if it isn't little Johnny Sellout. Well, if it isn't Johnny Sellout

and the No Tickets Gang That's a fun thing to do I do it to And the sidekick Mr. Standing Room Only I do it to Glenn When I see him In whatever the context is

Like if I walked into the room And he was having a cup of tea Well if it isn't Cup of Tea Johnson And the Hot Drinks Gang Just a bit of fun. That is fun. Ellie gets in touch.

Ellie, Ellie, not so smelly. Well, hold your horses. Well, she might be. I'm just listening to this podcast. Yeah, smelly fans. Famously smelly fans we have. Hang on. This. Say something. Hello. Yeah, you're a bit quiet. Hang on. hang on this

say something hello yeah you're a bit quiet hang on sorry pod buds Phil's been a little quiet up till now I'll make a note of that

I'm just shy okay Okay. Better? Yes. Okay. Ellie gets in touch. Ellie, Ellie will be smelly. Dear number one and number twos.

Nice. I mean, yours doesn't really. Makes me a poo. Okay. I guess. I'll skip the formalities as this is going to be a long one. Okay. That's what I...

That's what... That's how you like our poos. That's what you say to the toilet attendant. Look, sir, I'm going to skip the formalities. I'm going to be in here for quite some time. At least we're going to coil this one out. Oh, God. It's going to be a long one,

but feel free to insert any compliments you wish I'd written here nice socks those are nice socks I would like nice calves yeah Pierre's got his legs out couple of pins it has been difficult deciding which of my top three poo stories to share with you but i've finally chosen it's always hard picking a favorite

yes favorite child it's not going to be the time i pooed myself 20 minutes away from my house and had to walk home with a turd the size of a battered jumbo sausage in my pants wow lovely imagery vivid um it's not going to be that Nor will it be my 30th birthday When I spent an hour washing myself In a cubicle toilet after a serious disagreement With Perry Cider What is this about booze making people

Shit themselves I think it's a cider thing I remember someone once telling me they saw a documentary about some Pub full of these old guys where all they drank was cider And they'd all just accepted that at some point Ten pints of cider in they were just gonna shot themselves that makes sense because i hate cider so i never drink it it's so it's too sweet it's too much it's either sweet or like acidic it tastes like the acid that comes up when you're like you know yeah it's like you've it's like vomiting kind of taste yeah i love a peri though A pear cider

Hard to find No no The chosen story is one I'm actually proud of My bowels as you can probably guess Can be a little unpredictable Sure thing turd pants I can guess that Turd pants But as long as my routine

And meals are regimented They are mostly play ball. That's very funny. A few years ago, I had to attend an early morning meeting in Swindon. That's what I call it too. I had to attend an early morning meeting in Swindon, an hour and a half drive away from where I live. It meant leaving home before breakfast and before my morning deposit. I took a hot cross bun for the journey.

And at precisely 8am my bum clock started ticking just as I was entering the town centre. I parked up, rushed down the six flights of stairs from the longstay car park and started searching desperately for a public toilet which of course I couldn't find. I got to the stage where

walking became impossible. Oh boy. I had to stand still, clenching and concentrate on my breathing i think i've been there especially as a kid all the time really i hated going to the toilet when i was a kid i hate because i just love playing so much if a boot came i was like no i'm not gonna stop playing no it will not win i just stand there just keep it just sweating just popping veins and then once it i felt that had defeated it I'd yeah that's right

I continued playing and then I just eventually pooed my pants it's just because you were like any distraction from this fun yeah

is unacceptable yeah and cannot be embraced yeah I felt like pooing was a sort of infringement from the adult world

this reminder only grown ups shit this rude reminder that life isn't all about fun and that you have responsibility and then at some point this simply will have to happen yeah yeah anything obligatory really rankles when you're a kid i mean it's like peter pan you know i'm refusing to grow up but just holding him i'd love it if the legend of of Peter Pan was the boy who never shat. And he was this hideous, bloated, stinky

Wendy, come to Neverland. You never have to do shit. Anyway, concentrating on their breathing, they were saying. After previous catastrophes, I decided i'd rather mess myself in my car than in public so they've got a preference now right okay so i turned around

a bad place when you've already this is already something you've decided you've got a policy so i turned around and started the long climb back up to where i'd parked six flights of stairs wow what a decision to come to one step at a time not daring to bend my knees, lest it part my cheeks. Wow. And encourage the unwanted evacuation. So they're having to walk up the stairs with straight legs. Like a mannequin. Yeah.

Like someone in two leg casts. Like a little Lego woman. Incredibly, I made it back. My head started to fill with hope and possibility. If I could devise a makeshift toilet in my car, the day could be saved. But nothing. No carrier bags.

No Tupperware. Fresh poops. Just as I was about to admit defeat, I remembered that I'd put my hot cross bun in a sandwich bag, which I finally found under the passenger seat. It was tiny, but it could work. Lovely little Chekhov's bun there,

I have to say. Oh, Philip! Thank you. Chekhov's bun. It's not all pee and poo. Listeners, this is free. Chekhov's bun, baby. Yeah. Really good, really good structure work there is this is this still b is b yeah no this is ellie no no b was just saying a nice thing okay this is ellie oh this is smelly ellie of course yeah yeah it's great work there with the checkoff's bun ellie so the

sandwich bag was tiny but it could work i climbed into the back seat of my car undressed fully below the waist to minimize the chance of smearing shit on the only clothes i had with me and squatted forming a seal between my ass and the rim of the flimsy bag with my hands it was the most satisfying poo of my life wow it almost filled the bag i was about to say like, how many mils is this thing? It almost filled the bag, but I managed to tie it up and then wiped myself with a chamois leather. Why is that? Like the little wipes for leather in your car.

Chamois. Managed to wipe myself with a chamois leather, which I would highly recommend, and got dressed. I walked back into town, trying to disguise the slippery poo slug I was carrying until I found a bin and made it to my meeting on time. Oh, wow.

On returning to my car that afternoon, I discovered that the guy I'd sat next to all day had parked next to me. If he'd arrived only minutes earlier, he'd have been greeted by his half-naked work colleague shitting in the back seat of their car but on that day the bum got the bum bum gods were smiling on keep up the good work ellie great story my word really really great i wonder what that does to

your meeting confidence yeah do you walk in like because either you come in really ashamed or on top of the fucking world you've gotten away with you come in and you're so if they found out later it would be like when someone finds out that you'd just successfully murdered someone like yeah he came in and normally they're quite shy but they were she walks away like Kaiser

Soze like her limp goes away because she shat herself someone drops a mug with poo written on it and smashes on the floor sure uh that uh pooing into a little bag that you have to hold around your bum hole that's how um i remember reading about if you're like an sas sniper team or any sniper team in like deep in enemy territory or whatever, you're hidden in the woods. One of you has to keep watching the target through the sniper rifle

while the other person holds the bag and you go for a shit. Really? Yeah, because they don't even leave shits behind. Really? And you take it with them? Yeah, they have to put it in their bag. Wow.

And carry the poop all the way home. Incredible. So there's literally no sign that they were ever there. Hold your nose, boys. The snipers are coming. Yeah, exactly.

Let's hope that doesn't burst in your bag. That's why they have to be so far away from everyone. That's why they have to keep... You stay over there.

Put a telescope on your gun. That's why it's accuracy on the other end as well. One shot. If you miss, you're in the shit matilda gets in touch matilda matilda and she boasts that she has been enjoying the podcast

since day one um which is very nice uh thank you very much, and it says some other nice things. Thank you, thank you. She says, in her daily life, the one that pleases her mother, she is a boring project manager. In her sultry nightlife, she is a writer. And as a writer, you occasionally get invited to events, readings, and other happenings.

That's very cool. I wish I got invited to a happening. Yes, everywhere I go. Whenever I turn up somewhere, it ceases That's very cool. I wish I got invited to a happening. Yes. Everywhere I go. Whenever I turn up somewhere, it ceases to happen. Everyone stops. Yeah. It's like mannequins.

So, basically, she had the good fortune to be invited to a storytelling event that had some improvers and some stand-uppers. But now this is a confession. She says, Now I'm many things, but I'm not funny. Still, my pride got the best of me. I could not bear the thought of standing up in a room full of strangers and just reading some depressing poetry about death or whatever, only to be followed by some brilliant improv sketch that had the entire room roiling with laughter.

So I did something I'm not proud of. I stole your okay thank you. Oh. I think she just means, she attached the story. I won't read it, Matilda, because I did read it it but we don't have time necessarily but

um i think she just means she took the idea of someone saying okay thank you all right well that's fine that's fine but she says i regret nothing you're okay thank you provided me with two

thirds of the glorious laughs i got that night uh the last i got that night it was glorious i'm a changed woman i'm a queen i can see why you do this it is addictive it is addictive man anyway i'm short of material please give me more catch phrases okay thank you but i mean i think it's very impressive for you to just take the phrase

okay thank you and spin it out into into something and use it that's the first step of being funny from your own uh dome yeah absolutely yeah i'd like to know what the bit was now i'd like to know what the story was i can forward you the story oh yeah yeah yeah she'd like to know what the bit was now i'd like to know what the story was i can forward you the story oh yeah yeah yeah she attached it okay oh she attached it um let's see that's good though well done in your first gig your first gig your first stand-up gig now you're trapped you're trapped forever you're sick in my. Now you're trapped. You're trapped forever. You're sick in the head. Until you're dead. After your first

good gig. You're sick in the head because you got some laughs. It's better than heroin or even spaffs. It's the funnest thing to do apart from poo. Your pants. Apart from poo in your pants. It's the funnest thing to do. Apart from that. Apart from poo in your pants? It's the funnest thing to do. Apart from that. Apart from pooing your pants.

Yeah. Okay. One second. I'm sleepy, sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. Always sleepy. Ooh. So, some of you will remember that we had talked about the murky art world. The murky art world.

And, like, how you value art. Oh, yes. And that it's all sort of, well... Well, if it was a scam or not. Yes. So. Poppy gets in touch. Poppy. I think Poppy's been in touch before, and the subject of the email is

the art world and its dirty boys and girls. Oh, the church of little dirty boys and dirty little girls. Thank you, Poppy. Evening, pod butlers. Nice. We do serve you piping hot shits on a silver plate. I heard your plea for an expose on the murky dealings of the art world in the last episode, and I felt that I could deliver.

I worked in a famous auction house, which shall remain nameless, for many years as a classic car specialist. Oh. Very cool. Very interesting. But I had dealings with the art teams, too. Sure. One must. Very interesting. But I had dealings with the art teams too. Sure. One must. One must.

This is how I can tell that Poppy is a person of fine breeding. It was an hilarious and fascinating place to work. Very good. Because it is filled with people who have made their own super niche obsession with their actual job. We had coin specialists, numismatists, modern feminist African art specialists,

ancient instrument coin specialists, numismatists, modern feminist African art specialists, ancient... Numibianists. Numibianists. Maybe. Ancient instrument specialists, silver cutlery specialists, and everything in between. I worked with a guy who exclusively specialized

in 18th century clocks, and he was the most captivating person ever. Wow. But dear Lord, are there some shady dealating person ever. Wow. But dear lord, are there some shady dealings in the auction world. Yes, yes, yes. You heard it here first, listener. Tell them! Tell them to us! This is like journalism now.

Yeah, yeah, she's a hot scoop. It isn't usually the artists themselves who push the prices of their work up, but shitty gallery owners who recognize early talent, buy up pieces way too cheaply from the young and naive emerging artists, and then flog them on at public auction or in their own shop at a hugely

inflated price. And people just accept that. That's what I don't understand. People just accept that that's what that's worth. That's what that is worth. I think in people's imagination, they can't imagine the idea of contacting the artist and saying... They would worry about offending them saying

can i just pay you more than you'd get as a cut but less than this price yeah which to be fair is probably quite a scary thing to do but i have a i have a friend who's a fairly well-known visual artist and he was fine with the idea i guess it's because we knew each other but he was fine with the idea of me just like making him an offer on stuff that was still just in his shed. He's like, yeah, fine, whatever. So, yeah, maybe try and go straight to the source. It's all these middle people, Phil. Middle men skimming the cream off for them and their grubby little fat children.

To sup. To sup and slurp. Yeah. On the cream. to sup and slurp on the cream. The wanky gallery owners tend to get together ahead of a big auction to work out who will, quote, bid high on each piece. Cutting up the pieces, slicing it, sharing it between them, the cream. In order to very publicly establish the value of new pieces

and generally posit themselves as hype men for emerging artists. They then team up with, quote, art consultants, who are employed by loaded people to decorate their offices and homes, and splash these new works about under the pretense they've just uncovered a hot new talent that will, quote, only go up in value. The artist may do well for a bit on the back of this fame and public recognition, but the consultants and gallery owners will very quickly declaim the artist as passé.

And as soon as the artists start to ask for fair prices, the shitty buyers and consultants will move on to another unassuming newbie and exploit them too. It is so shitty and frustrating the contemporary art market is a hellscape at the moment. Yeesh. Yeesh. Yeah, we think we have

a rough time. Yeah, at least jokes like can't repackage them and no you can't get more laughs bought and sold at a different price most people in the auction world they're just passionate people who love their chosen subject but there are some utter dicks too who love exploiting people if you feel this is unjust i have a fun way for you and your listeners to take some lovely sort of revenge every auction house in lond London has open viewings a day before the auctions. They're free to view, and they always have a shitload

of free champagne and canapes in the evening. Yes, they do. I have a friend who works at an auction house. Anyone can pitch up. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Anyone?

Anyone. Just check out the auction listings on the website and figure it out. Drink the free champagne and hemorrhage the vol-au-vent supply. It's the least you can do my word it's quite it's fun stuff wonder about splash some champagne on the van go say it offended you and that's why you did it and now you're the artist i went to a very sort of sexy sale opening on Valentine's Day. And we wore like little eyes wide shut masks and you got free champagne.

And you just wander around this collection of like, they were like, I swear they're like monets and stuff, completely unguarded. And you could just go swill your champagne right next to it. And you look at the price and it's like 350 000 pounds jesus and you just oh no i've already lost a bet ah no i totally won ah victory is mine oh no i can burp for a thousand years listener this is a bet that we set up last week well it hasn't even taken a week but it hasn't taken a week because we recorded this on the same day it took an hour i've already lost the bet because i made a gross i will let you off that because it was in the vein of telling a story okay what so the game's still afoot yeah okay okay okay i think it's because like when you're doing it deliberately it's it's because when you're doing it deliberately, it's, I think, less bad.

Right. Yes. Okay. Like if I burped with malice aforethought. Okay. What would be the technical term for them? What's happened? It's like in tennis where you miss your first serve.

Yes. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. I don't know what you call that. The umpire is... We'll allow it. I'm, yes, yes. I don't know what you call that. The umpire is... We'll allow it. The umpire will allow it. Holding up a finger. I don't know what it is.

And then Poppy says, keep chugging it. Scottish for wanking, she says. Oh, okay. Thanks, Poppy. Fair enough. Fair enough. Sloppy Poppy.

Old Sloppy Poppy there. That's gross. What a gross thing to say. Sloppy Poppy. Getting in touch with a fucking... An expose, Philip. Yeah, exciting stuff. If more listeners could please send in

the dark secrets of their industries, we'd be much obliged. We have a lovely message from Martha. Martha, Martha, what you after? Nice. Hello, peanuts, she says. I don't think we've had that. Peanuts, yeah.

Peanuts. I was late to the Bud Pod party. I think you were already celebrating the heady heights of 18 by the time I was first learning the Louie scale. Side note. You've got to practice your Louie scales at home, remember. Yeah, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, kind of thing. Side note, my son is called Louie scale. Side note. You've got to practice your Louie scales at home, remember. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Side note, my son is called Louie, so I'm going to say his arrival on this planet was a full 10 on the Louie scale from me. Yes. Side, side note, Kinabalu was the last gig I saw before Louie was born, and I laughed so hard I still wonder to this day if that's why he came out early. That's nice, thank you. For the uninformed listener, Kinabalu is the name of my previous show to the one i'm currently doing

yes and that's why they call phil the uh the gynecologist's nightmare yes and the midwives help there's an ad for my shows on on on the internet that says gynecologists hate him how one there's one weird joke this one weird joke gave birth to a baby in minutes in minutes gynecologists hate him it's really dangerous for the baby it's so unsafe and unregulated they're not fully formed yet they're professional he's not who do you side with uh but now she's nearly caught up anyway as another martha i can confirm that i can cook i think this is from halfway through the fringe was there a martha that could cook no i remember we were saying the name martha says to us like quite a sort of old-fashioned woman she's she's strict but she's nice it's also the name of both superman and

batman's mothers yes which is the only reason they didn't kill each other in that absolutely dog shit film terrible movie absolutely no so bad as another martha i can confirm that i can cook and on time is late in my book on time is late on my book. So she... Like remember we were saying I remember this now Martha's like on time is late five minutes early is on time for Martha. Oh I see I see I see. Sorry Martha you know us better than we know ourselves! And I said Martha's don't have FOMO but she said you're wrong about FOMO. Martha's definitely have FOMO. Indeed what else could it possibly be driving me to share this particular story other than wanting to join in with the birds? I think it will appeal because it has an awkward social interaction

and quite a lot of shit. Yep, that sounds like our... Oh, poopy poops. Day rigueur for us. Mm-hmm. About ten years ago, I was traveling around the Balkans with a friend. Pretty cool.

That is very cool. And while in Serbia, we frequented a restaurant that did not sit right in the old digestive tract. I'll be honest, when I'm imagining what people eat in Serbia, in a Serbian restaurant, I'm imagining a lot of lamb, a lot of meat. A lot of meat and like... Sausages and meatballs and lamb.

Very shiny cherry tomatoes for some reason. Yes, yes. And a vegetable that you've heard of, but not for years. And like a root vegetable that's cut into a sort of flower shape yes yeah yeah yeah and just loads of mashed potato also doesn't frequent mean that she went more than once i think it must oh anyway maybe she did anyway the next morning was a lovely walk punctuated by a toilet stop at every possible opportunity we were just uh alternating turning ourselves inside out as whatever

evil had been planted the night before was expelled. My final stop was a lovely public facility near a castle at the top of a hill. Lali. After spending an embarrassing amount of time in the loo, I was done. A shadow of my former self. I washed my

hands and got ready to leave. This is when I realised that a toilet attendant had been sitting there for the whole time. Oh, waiting to clean it. Well, no, like the attendants, like in nightclubs. Oh, yeah. Had been sitting there the entire time, subjected to noises and smells

probably best left to a Farrelly Brothers film. This is my authoritarian thought. Those jobs should be illegal. Yes, I don't understand. It's just so demeaning. I don't understand how those jobs exist. Yeah, anyway. But that doesn't matter.

So she realizes with horror this person, this lady who's been outside there the whole time. She was cutting up and eating watermelon on a little table she was happily eating in the toilet oh my gosh she simply smiled and offered me a slice what I wanted to do was take that fruit and hurl it into the Danube

but instead I took it and said oh thank you bye which she may or may not have understood I promptly dropped the poo melon as soon as I was out of sight most uncool cool thing paying for things using your watch you may or may not have understood. I promptly dropped the poo melon as soon as I was out of sight. Most uncool cool thing, paying for things using your watch. I think that's fair.

Yes, that is very, very lame, and there's no way to do it that doesn't look like, look at me, I'm James Bond. There's money in my timepiece. There's money in my wrist.. There's money in my wrist. I have a wrist of gold. Sorry, is it future o'clock already? I've been recommending Bellepal to everyone I know.

Thank you very much, Martha. Thank you for not being totally bin bags. Thank you. Thank you, Martha. Most appreciated. Spreading the word, Martha. Spreading the poo. Spreading the word.

Watermelon. The most the word, Martha. Spreading the poo. Spreading the word. Watermelon. The most porous of fruits to bring into a bathroom. The most stench vulnerable. Oh, man. Oh, my word. I guess it must be fine. If this lady's alright.

Is she alright? Maybe that's why she's in the toilet she just needs to shit all the time yes boob rain yeah maybe that's her fetish she doesn't work there she said if only i had a toilet i could eat watermelon then ah i'll have a scheme i'll just sort of vaguely dress as a is there a uniform? There isn't really, is there? For toilet attendants. Black shirt and black trousers. Yeah, yeah. God, it's such a dreadful... It's such a demeaning job to...

My only experience of them in London is just sort of Nigerian guys in black shirts and black trousers. Yeah, offering you perfume with some really gross rhyme about how if you don't spell nice, you won't get any sex. Yes, what is that?

No, no. God, I used to know these. No Armani, no Punani. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of them. Oh, God, it's horrible. What night school do they go to to learn these poems? Or are they passed down from generation to generation?

It's an oral tradition. They're like shamans, really. And then they hand you a napkin and you're like, do I have to tip for a napkin? I was going to dry my hands anyway. I'm just going to wipe them on my jeans. Lucy gets in touch with a small confession. Dear Favelli, regarding horribly Americanized wooing at comedy.

Yeah. And in particular, The Fringe. The Scourge. Lucy says, I was at The Fringe with my family. It'll be a while ago now. Saw Phil's gig, which was awesome. Oh, great. And at one of the other shows we went to, thinks it was harriet brain who was amazing but she can't be sure because

it all melts into one after a while it is i'm ashamed to say i made an inappropriate woo a confession i did an american woo at something that had nothing to do with me and the subject at which i wooed was dying during childbirth That is a very American woo. And the subject at which I wooed was dying during childbirth. I'm not from there. I've never died during childbirth, but I apparently felt that that deserved a woo. I'm sorry on behalf of all the terrible wooers, and I don't envy you. The fringe seems intense and stressful.

Jacking it always, Lucy. Well, my child, you have sinned. it always lucy well my child you have sinned uh three three rosemary's three hail mary's and um five okay thank yous yes yes i think if you had enough with fringe brain though i think that's i think an exception can be made um yes i think that's fair and and to and to so quickly recognize that you did a bad woo. Yeah, what's important is that you've demonstrated repentance. This podcast is in favor of poos, not woos. Yes.

Make poos, not woos. Make poos, not woos. And if you drink booze, you'll make poos, it turns out, apparently. It turns out. Too much booze ends up with poos. Yeah, and there'll be no woos. There's like a moment on the lips forever on the hips. Yeah.

A lot of booze. A lot of poos. A lot of poos. John gets in touch. John, John, where have you gone? And says, chaps, long time pod bud, first time emailer. Welcome. I have a confession to make.

I have abandoned my surname lord confessions you've abandoned his surname yes it's true i no longer use it why you ask why i'll tell you for why my surname is dick wow dick d-i-c-k it's dick that's what he's written D-I-C-K, it's Dick! That's what he's written. Right, like he's a detective. Yeah. Now, I assume Phil has a... Huh?

John Dick. John Dick. I think that's a pretty sick name, actually. Especially if you say John is short for Johnson. Johnson Dick. Now, I assume Phil has a similar bout of name shame, or perhaps not. Maybe his upbringing was more forgiving than 1980s Dundee. Well, I mean, Wang doesn't mean penis in malaysia no it's only here it's only here and even then it's quite like it's quite recent and americanized yeah yeah it's not all

that prevalent really yeah like people only know it when they're told it they go oh yeah yeah and in america it's immediately but here it's like here it would have to be your name would have to be phil todger or something like that um anyway fearing the register at school he says fearing booking a taxi basically fearing anyone finding out ever dick good lord dick the indescribable tummy knot that comes with waiting to hear your own name spoken aloud. Awful business. Anyway. Do you never get used to it then? Apparently not. I mean, I never get used to the... Well, no, I guess I am used to it, but I'm never not expecting someone to fuck up my name.

Yeah. But that's different, though. He's scared people are going to get it right. Yeah. Anyway, I eventually ditched it and used my middle name as my nom de guerre. Okay. My brother has even gone as far as Deedpul.

Wow. However, this change was not before i had one shining chance to own it to own dick to be dick i used to work at a primary school for context once a small child mr dick i mean they're not letting you get away with that are they good morning mr dick good morning everyone say my name is dick what profession shall i go into one involving children well there's that south park character called mrs chokes on dick and she says it's polish or something but then the joke is that the kids never realized the potential of it right there's right sure thing mrs chokes on rocks everyone laughs that's not my name mr dick i used to work at a primary school he says for context once a small child who really should have been taught how to wipe its ass by his parents called out to me will you clean my bum no i replied i'll go one better I'll tell you how to do it yourself. Pleased with my ruse, I continued.

Take the toilet paper, fold it over, and wipe. If it's brown, there's still work to do. Lovely. Yes, he's not wrong. If it's clean, you're all good to go. I sometimes wonder if I should have told him to stop if the paper turns red, but hindsight is 20-20. Anyway, to the point.

I had a colleague whose surname was Cox. And one of the kids we had charge of Was a young lad with a surname Wang Fantastic, we do get everywhere One memorable glorious day The child's father Came to pick him up I knew he was with Mr. Cox

And I had the walkie talkie Cue my greatest moment on Crackly Radio Mr. Cox, this is Mr. Dick I'm looking for Mr. Wang Fantastic He says he says ah salad days indeed salad days yeah like like uh salad days is like uh glory days your old days in my salad days in my youth i have no idea why it's called that salad as well because it's fresh crispy well that that's a great story john um the stars aligned there and i i hope you understand that it was worth it and they

aligned in the shape of a dick really obscene what what do you think um what do you think would happen uh sociologically if there was there was a cluster of stars that was just like a drawing of a schoolboy's dick and balls but no one could ever like adults through history had to be like that's the um grain silo and two hills or would it add to the male domination of we're like people of the day of deities would they point up and say see yeah we're in the sky yeah we should be in charge there's no vagina constellation there's no vagina major we literally are? Yeah. We're in the sky. Yeah, we should be in charge. There's no vagina constellation. There's no vagina major. We literally, our dick and balls is written in the stars.

Yeah. The big dicker. The big dangler. Well, there's the big dangler. That must be Nort. Thing is, I'm sure you can, like, the constellations are so tenuous anyway i'm sure there's a dick and balls in there if you if you look for it if you want to see a dick and balls in the stars you can yeah my name is lynn manuel moreno

thank you lynn that's really so inspiring um i read i read a thing about how because you know like stars can die i read a thing about how if you if you loads of the stars that used to make up more of the constellations have died or faded yeah and someone some scientist did something which meant like this is how the sky would have looked to the ancient greeks when they picked the names oh and it does look a lot more like it right in the case of some of them interesting has enough Has enough time passed, really, for any significant change in the firmament? 3,000 years?

Ancient Greece, 4,000 years ago? But that's like nothing to a star, isn't it? Well, unless it's about to die. I know. I know. Stars die every day, Phil. They do, and most of them are dead. Most of the ones we look at,

well, not most, but a lot of the ones we look at now are dead and have been dead for ages Spooky Another email, and it's a poopy one from Z We've got a B and a Z A B and a Z Hey buds, big fan of the podcast

We're BZ We're a BZ with these emails We're so BZ with these EZs EZs E-me's E-me's I wanted to share something which happened to me when I couldn't

Which I couldn't help a few years back I was working as an IT technician in a steelworks Wow Perhaps in Port Talbot? That technician in a steelworks wow perhaps in port talbot that's only steelworks i know of the most and least manly jobs yes well it's sort of new manly and old manly it technician in the steelworks is that is this now we've got a the the least the least most manly thing and the most least manly thing i was IT technician, but it wasn't a steelworks. Yeah. The most manly, the most precious manly thing and most manly precious thing.

Yes. That's interesting. That's an interesting category. I was on call out in a foundry, in the foundry, when I suddenly needed to poop. So I went to the nearest toilet, did the business, and to my horror, there was no toilet paper left. We've all been there. Yeah. In a panic, I looked around the room, looking for more, and I couldn't find any. The next toilet was too far.

I found a rubber glove in the cleaner's drawer, and I thought, this is happening. I cleaned as much as I could, and in a rush, I tried to flush it. The glove? Oh, God, no. Rinse the glove in the bowl? Just throw it in the bin. Yes. Hindsight.

You certainly can't flush it. It blocked the toilet. Yeah. I'm not surprised. I rushed away. That toilet was out of order until I left that job. No. And I couldn't help but feeling proud.

Keep injecting Z. I hate to see it in the modern game, Z. I hate to see it in the modern game z i hate to see it in the modern you hate to see it in the modern game but people will rub a glove their bumhole clean and then block a loo oh that's in a steel foundry it makes me properly angry when a loo gets blocked i i'm always fascinated to know how because my gloves yes but do you know what i have a curious my morality with it is if you've blocked it with sheer poo alone, I take my hat off to you. But if you've done it with baby wipes and things,

the little creepy sign says don't put in the toilet, then an umbrella or whatever, no respect at all. But I mean, I don't think you can block a toilet with just poo because poo will break up, it disintegrates. No, people have blocked it with poops really yeah we're like like especially like you know in like countries like greece where you literally can't flush the toilet paper oh yeah well that's because the pipes are too narrow for loo roll we know people who do gargantuan dumps they'll block it with one of those god it's a horrible terrible world out there it is uh james uh uh says dear pill and fear

uh wants to know phil what was the funky music in the prelude and postlude of your edinburgh show ah um they say they say i tried to secretly shazam it on the way out but i ended up got a bunch of albums called chino series one two three maybe i think there's three chino series one two and three and they're just albums of these sort of dubbed over uh old east asian uh songs and stuff they're really cool and i find them the perfect uh appetizer to my hour of uh asians fusion jokes and yeah yeah because i'm a fusion guy as well yeah another thing james any thoughts on doing a bud pod live yes break it to him phil break it to him i refuse to do a live podcast i don't like live podcasts and i'm i'm i'm opening it up to you guys if you

love a live podcast i'm up for hearing the arguments for it but i when i'm if i'm a fan of a podcast and it gets to a live episode i'm always at least a bit and usually quite disappointed i i find podcasts very intimate i don't want to share them with other people in public yeah i don't like i don't like hearing that something funny has happened in the room that everyone can see that i can't yes that's true if someone pulls a face of experience i don't like it yeah so i have a no live podcast policy which frustrates pierre and might frustrate some others but I have to stand by it. We all have to

have our beliefs and our values and hold on to them and I don't have many but this is one. Yes, Phil is very against the live pod listeners so unless he has a Damascene conversion maybe if I don't know, is there a way they can convince you? Is there some challenge you could set them some herculean 12 tasks of of wang yuli's um well i mean it would just have to be like by overwhelming public demand yeah but i don't

know how you gauge that protests yeahests. Yeah, protests outside. Hong Kong-level protests outside my flat would probably sway me. Yes. I think you're a man who listens to the people. Yes. Unless those people are part of a live podcast recording. Then I do not listen. I turn it off.

And I put on some music on Spotify. Oh, Ross gets in touch. Ross the boss! Ross is the guy who talked on Twitter about his daughter being indoctrinated into the bum bum life. Oh, yes.

So, dearest Pierre and Philil i was recently strolling around my neighborhood here in korea cool very cool and i noticed a very interesting clothes shop called by the dong so it's by by yeah and then d dong love to see it in the modern game i'm gonna i'm gonna guess that's pronounced the dong sounds yeah i can't even in the dong by the dong uh he says the dong just means poo what so it would be like calling a shop by jobby or by poo perhaps this is a future bird pod merchandise shop poo is regarded as lucky and cute here wow so fascinating how the different roles poo has across cultures. It's fascinating. I think it speaks very

much to the human condition itself. And it's about what brings us together and also what separates us. Poo. Very good. I'm going on a journey. Hi, I'm Phil. Come with me on my pooey journey. Poo is regarded as lucky and cute here. So dreaming of poo

is supposed to bring good luck one of the most popular korean kiddie books is also about a small dog poo trying to find its place in the world wow this must be where the poo emoji is from right yes how does poo feel in oh my god he's attached a picture of the book listeners a picture of the book, listeners. A picture of the book cover. Yeah, and there's like a steaming dog shit coming out of a cartoon dog's ass. Wow. Yeah, they're not messing about.

I'm going to put that on Instagram on the day it's actually quite beautiful. It's quite romantic. The steaming turd. The style is actually quite Frank Miller. It is a bit.

Very nostalgic dog shit there. And here's a picture of the shop by Da Dong. I'll put that up as well. Oh my word. How strange. By poo. By poo. How very odd. He says I was upset to hear about your mediocre

bibimbap experience. Oh, it was very bad. It's bibimbap. I said it before. I've had good bibimbap, I think, so, you know, it's I'll be okay uh he says uh it's pretty much the korean equivalent of a petrol station sandwich in my opinion a bad one i think since you hip cats live in london i recommend you go visit jinjo guy in new malden new malden's far but that's where all the koreans are so that'll

be where they can he says it's a great korean barbecue place yeah field trip question mark yeah could do what's the name i'll write it down uh jin uh jin go guy how are we spelling this uh j-i-n uh give me a second this is terribly tedious yes it is j-i-n j-i-n go as in go away uh and guy as in g-a-e that was the correspondent special and we're all we're all caught up thank you uh very much to everyone who wrote in who we couldn't uh we couldn't get to uh with all your lovely compliments and and and bits of um trivia and stories about seeing us at gigs and things like that and thank you a bunch of people phil were emailing in saying they'd seen us at the fringe and they'd really enjoyed it oh Oh, great. One or both of us, thank you very much for coming, guys. We really do appreciate having

friendly pod buds in the crowd. And very nice it was, too. And that's it. This is 29, the Correspondent Special. We will see you next week. Big one, 30, 3-0. For the 30th. Oh, my word. We should try and do something

really nice for ourselves for the 30th. Maybe a dinner party. Oh, a dinner party. A dinner party. Maybe get a couple of guests. Oh, yes. When? Yes, anyway,

we can figure out when and how to do that later. Anyway, thank you very much, listeners. Keep jacking it. Keep jacking it. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.