BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 290: Swedish Creep & The Hissing Haggis

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

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It's Bud Pod 290. 290, you find me. You find me here speaking with Piano Veli. It's true. Who else? Who else? And you find me, Phil. This week we have Phil and Pierre on the podcast.

Yeah, like it's one of those rotating BBC things. Well, you find me Philip, not only in Edinburgh, which is where I am because of being on tour, which I am. But you also find me in a pair of tartan trousers. Is that true? It's true. I'll stand up. I'll show you show me on the Wow. That's perfect. pajamas, but they're not pajamas. They're trues. They're called trues.

I thought those were your pajamas. No, these are these are thick. These are thick woolen. Wow. Formal, formal wear. They're the sort of trouser equivalent of a kilt for black tie or weddings or military events or whatever. And why are you in formal trouser wear? Are you off to a Rabi Burns reading? I wish I was. Are you off to a shortbread bacon? Are you off to a... Haggis punching?

Haggis flicking? It is my friend's wedding this Saturday and as a fabulous gesture, he has commissioned trues for the groomsmen, trues for the groomsmen. Trues are for the groomsmen. So the trues have clan tartans as well? Well, they're whatever tartan you wish. This is Manx tartan. Yes. The same tartan as my kilt.

I do have a Scottish tartan I could wear, but it is pretty vivid stuff. And it's closer to, it's closer, the Arnavansk closer and easier to, well, is it easier to explain? You know, it's an option. And my friend is Manx and lots of, and the wedding, most of the people, we all grew up together. So it's a nice, nice thing to have. That's so nice. Yeah, really nice. Nice thing to have. That's so nice. Yeah, really nice.

That's so nice. I am next year going to have my first ever and maybe only ever school friends wedding because I happen to be in Malaysia when my school friend is happening to get married. And you never had one before? I've never seen any school friend may get married because they're all in Malaysia, they're in Borneo. Yeah, but I suppose, yeah, that's true. I thought maybe you could have, there's a chance that you got scraped up in the invite

list of some of the Bath people. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I only had a handful of friends in Bath, to be honest. Yeah. But it's that thing where I think from your internal psychology, school was in Malaysia and Bath was this kind of like Batman ninja school that made you sort of British enough to go to uni in the UK. Yeah.

I consider school friends like the primary school. A-levels is sort of like, that's just of uni-prime. We work together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We work together. We're in a small company that produced homework. I was the only guy doing A-levels who said, I've worked drinks tonight when there was a party. Yeah, when there was a party.

Yeah. I got this work drinks at, uh, we're going to have to probably do some work shots. Is there, are there drilling sounds in your vicinity? Yeah, there are drilling sounds, Phil. I'm afraid. Because this country, the UK will will never be finished, Pierre. It's never over. It's never, ever over.

And I can't tell if I think that's good or bad. It's supposed to be good, right? It means it's a strong economy. There's a lot of construction going on. But most of the construction in the UK seems to be fixing. Is it all the fixing? It's never new stuff. It's always like, Hey, do you remember those ancient pipes that are like this cursed, this kind of cursed blessing on this country?

Well, it's been a month. So we have to sellotape up the pipes again, cause crows stole the sellotape and you're like, okay, fine. That means we're going to dig up the biggest intersection in your city. And you go, okay. Oh yeah. Okay. Fine. I was in Glasgow last night. Lovely, lovely crowd. Koji, Koji to the pod. Marvellous. Really nice. I got a Koji in Nottingham last night, Pierre.

Yeah, boy. I did half an hour in Nottingham last night, got coached at the stage door. Oh, great. It's funny because they just happened to walk past the stage as we were coming out. And I think it's quite a funny experience to like see someone on stage. Yeah. Woo. Yeah.

Ha ha ha. And then you leave the venue and they just come out of a scrappy small door and they're wearing a coat and they've got a back sack on. Yeah. And there's some bins and then like, Oh, hello. And I'm like, Hey, hey, get away. Don't look at me. And I run on all fours to the car.

Yeah, it's sort of disgusting. And they sort of, I always expect them to sort of say, hey, hey, you were, you were shinier before you were shiny and all bright and loud. You were like an angel and now you are like a pig. You're like some pig in my high street. It's disgusting to see you here. It's like I saw the queen in my own cupboard. It's almost frightening.

Horrible. Disgusting. I clark Kented though, Phil, because of course, I have a suit on stage. And the second I changed, audience members who were minutes ago, two meters away from my face, look right through me. It's like being a spy. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's extraordinary. Whereas I change from slightly smart drawstring trousers into more relaxed drawstrings trousers. And for some reason the disguise doesn't work.

You change from pajamas into mega pajamas. Even comfier than ever before. Yeah. No, I actually managed Phil, because in the Glasgow stand, one of the best venues in the country. Oh, beautiful room. Really, really great. However, backstage, what does backstage not have, Phil? A toilet? It doesn't have a toilet.

It doesn't have a toilet. Yeah. It doesn't have a toilet. And if you're like me and you can't help yourself around liter after liter of free Coke Zero, and you've been on a four and a half hour train also smashing the caffeinated drinks, halfway through at the halfway point, the interval, that's what theater people call it. I was absolutely bursting for a piss and I managed to film. I have a big, generic, North Face, black waterproof jacket with a hood.

Yeah. And it's basically a bouncer Halloween costume. Oh, I've seen it. I know it very well. Yeah. And I've been greeted as a bouncer whilst standing outside pubs a few times wearing it. In fact, dress. We're just showing you their ideas. Yeah. Well, they sort of went, Oh, is that okay if we go in? And I was like, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's happened a few times.

Um, and I keep wearing that yellow armband with my driver's license in it. That's my own fault. I just want people to know I can drive. Genuinely though, I showed up for a gig at the Moth Club and I was wearing my black suit trousers already. I had black trousers on and that jacket. I showed up and the bouncer at the M club was like, like, all right, mate, you do, or I make what you, what are you here for? And I went, oh, I'm, uh, um, I'm working or I was like, I'm working.

And he went, he went, what, what shift? And they went, what? I was there to like take his job. The bouncer thought like it was like a Highlander thing. I've come to challenge him for his job. And I was like, no. And I had to like unzip the jacket and like flash him my velvet jacket that I was wearing. And he was like, oh, right. I was like, I'm an act. He's like,

all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's when I did your gig at the moth club. I meant to tell you actually, ages ago, this has just come back to me when I was standing in that weird corridor bit before you go on. Cause there's no backstage. Yeah. I was just in the weird corridor and the bouncer was also in the weird corridor, just talking on the phone. He was just fucking ripping ass. He was just farting. What really loudly fart also in the weird corridor, just talking on the phone. He was just fucking ripping ass. He was just farting. What?

Really? Loudly farting in the corridor. It was really funny. Yeah. He was just like, just like really letting it all go. He was in the company of a colleague, Pierre. He was comfortable. He felt safe.

He had a bouncer, fart bouncer. You're at his ass letting his farts through. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hold on. Okay, you're a fart. Yeah, yeah, you can come through. That's okay. But I put on my bouncer's disguise and I went for a piss with my own audience in the public toilet of the, in the public, not the public toilet, but you know, the audience toilet of the, of the Glasgow stand. And they didn't notice it was me. I was, I was like, after the show, in the interval, in the interval. Wow. Yeah. I stood amongst them. It's like, it was like Richard the Lionheart in Robin Hood when he's wearing that cowl and he he's in the tavern. And he's asking everyone what they think of his of King John. And

he throws his hood back. And it's usually able to do this or maybe in Scotland, you believe you blend in more for some reason. I think yeah, in wearing a big coat indoors in Scotland makes a lot more sense. I think also if you're dressed in a bouncer's big coat and you're just like a big bloke and people just see like big bloke dressed like a bouncer beard, they just sort of ignore you.

Yeah. Yeah. Out of instinct, men. You get out of your stage clothes in the interval. No, I just put the coat over. I still had bright blue linen trousers on. They didn't even look at my trousers. That's how powerful the coat is to make me seem like a bouncer. The power of the coat. coat over. I still had bright blue linen trousers on. They didn't even look at my trousers. That's how powerful the coat is to make me seem like a bouncer.

The power of the coat. I wonder if I could just stand outside a random pub and just take bribes for nothing. Are you in Glasgow now? No, I'm in Edinburgh. I'm in Edinburgh. My sister lives in Edinburgh. Did you eat anywhere in Glasgow now? No, I'm in Edinburgh. I'm in Edinburgh. Did you eat anywhere in Glasgow? Well, Phil, I was even more glad to see my audience last night of all those lovely people because also on doing their tour shows on the same night was

Sarah Keyworth and Vittorio Angelone. Ah, wonderful. Head to head for ticket sales with them big, big dogs. On the same day? That's what I'm saying. Same night. Fucking hell. How are they squeezing that in? Sarah Keyworth at the Glee, Vittorio Angelone was at the garage. I see, I see, I see. Which is some sort of nightclub, I think.

Yes, that's it. We went and we had pasta at Sugo. I'd never been to Sugo. Oh, marvellous. It was okay. It was okay. But how nice to have dinner with two compatriots on your own tour night. Yeah. Well, especially given that I'm touring on my own.

Yeah, that was really nice. The pasta was given that I'm touring on my own. Yeah, it was actually that was nice. The pastor was okay. The company couldn't be better. Yeah, it was really good. My thanks to Vittorio for being clever enough to Google who's in town, which I completely neglected to do. Would have been a great idea if I'd had it, but I didn't. Well done him. Yeah.

What have you been up to, Phil? Why was Nottingham? Nottingham was great. I went up with a friend of the pod, Garrett Millerick. Wonderful man. Wonderful comic. Nottingham was really sweet. It was a beautiful.

I love a weekday gig, Pierre. All the sweethearts come out. Nottingham was really sweet. It was a beautiful, I love a weekday gig, Pierre. All the sweethearts come out. I regaled them with tales of the Nottingham furry pole, which I tell Nottingham audiences about every time I'm on stage there and none of them know about it, but when we were on tour there, I just got my... It's a point of interest. Yeah. I looked up points of interest.

And the only thing that came up in all of Nottingham was something called the furry, the Nottingham furry poll. What we walked with, let's have a look, we walked over to it. And it's just a poll with stickers of furries, i.e. sexual delinquents, pasted all over this poll. And I think they gather there or they they paste notices on the pole. And every time I tell the Nottingham audience about the Nottingham Furrier Pole, they go, Oh, never heard of it. As if as if they're all going there after the show. You think to yourself, you fucking hairy liars.

I can see the hair poking out of your ears and they go, and they quickly stuff it back in the head spoken out there. They're all, they're all wearing those Alice bands that have little cat ears on. Ah, yes. The whole audience, the whole audience wearing little cat ears and fucking tail belts. I've seen someone walking around with a tail around town. Yeah, families. Wow. Those drillers are really good for that. Yeah, I'm going to try and fuck me. They really are. Where is it coming from?

I feel like screw. You open the window and he's right outside. You're just drilling your window. It's got to be somewhere in the building. It is insane. The drilling is coming from inside the building. It's a lot of drill. It's a lot of drill. I haven't heard this much drill since I was in Tottenham.

That's really good. When you stood up just then, Pierre, I noticed just how high-waisted your trousers are. They are high-waisted trues. Yeah. I've just got me a new suit, Pierre, beautiful new gray suit. And the trousers go around the belly and I had them tailored to go around my belly. And it feels fantastic. It's so good. Trousers around the belly feel so fucking high-waisted trouser. Look, the style, the fashion man, the suit man, whatever his fucking name is on Twitter. He's, he's right. Old fashioned trousers. They're loose and billowy and they're around your around your belly button instead of on your waist. Because you're not fine. No, it is your waist because it's not around your hips, not around your hips. You're right. Oh, man.

Yeah, they do feel good. They do feel good. These, I have to admit, you know, sometimes trousers can come with little belt-y new nars on the sides. Oh, they use a tug on to tighten them. I just had to completely never mind loosen. I just had to completely

detach mine. Just rip them off and throw them in the sea. There's no need to tighten this, lads. I can just about say- Don't tighten this tartan. Is that what he said? Don't tighten this tartan. That's one of the slogans- This tartan needs to be tightened. It's one of the slogans of the Scottish libertarian movement. Don't tighten this tartan. It's like, don't tread on me in America.

Don't tread on me, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Don't tread on me. Yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah.

Don't tread on me. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me.

Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. Yeah, yeah. Don't tread on me. I'd love to go for a pint of foaming ale at the Hissing Haggis with Jock and Buncey and Hooter and William and Oold William. That's who I would like to go with for a pint of the Hissinghackers. Oh, I should say as well, I need to plug this. So we did this accidentally, but it made me

laugh a lot. So Travers, friend of the podcast, friend of mine slash ours, and Alex Keighley, one time Phil Wang of this podcast. Yes, previous Phil. We decided to go see a show called The Ritual at the Bill Murray. It's a sort of vampire based clown show. Wow. Not a chaotic clown show. It's quite sedate and gothic, but it's very, very silly and very funny. Stefan Haynes is the vampire, very funny Norwegian clown, and his sort of gruesome assistant is Greg Lass, who's a friend of ours. We went to go see it. It's so funny, man. It was so good. They're doing the Edinburgh Horror Festival. So they're performing in Edinburgh towards the end of this month. When you hear this,

it'll be tomorrow, I think, on Halloween. They're performing in Edinburgh on Halloween. I could not recommend it more. It's so, so funny. They're so good at improvising and they do audience interaction as well. Like same sort of quickness of standups and things but in character. But what made me laugh about it, Phil, is that so me, Alex and Travis all went to go see this funny vampire show. And then we all agreed to meet up and have some food before we went to a pasta place. And then I'd figured this out.

But the other two had all three of our girlfriends were away on like business trips. And so what it made, what it made it look like was like when the, when the girls are away, it's pastor and vampires for the lads. At last the fellas are free to be men, have a little Italian food and go watch some theater. Not just theater, but sort of Dracula based Norwegian clowning. Improvised Norwegian theater. Semi improvised. Semi improvised Scandinavian clowning.

The ladies, they just don't get it. They just don't get it. Look, fellas think we're brutes. Leave the chicks at home. Tonight's for the lads. Look, the chicks, some of them might say they can fuck with, uh, semi improvised vampire based Norwegian clowning, but they kill the vibe. Leave the chips at home.

It's a bowl of incredibly well made, but let's face it, quite expensive pasta and then a Dracula based clown show for the lads. It's funny, a bunch of like bunch of guys going, well, when the cat's away and then they cheers three glasses of red wine, like, thing, thing, thing. Whenever we toasted, I made sure I said to Dracula. Yes, of course. A perfect Dracula drink. Speaking of spooky things to watch, Pierre, I've been to see The Substance. Yes, oh yes, yes, yes, everyone's raving about The Substance.

It's the word of mouth hit of the Halloween season, Pierre. The sweetest substance. The sweetest sub. Have you seen it? sub it's, have you seen it? No, I still haven't seen it. I've been too busy. It's great. It's so good. Yeah.

No coffers allowed in the cinema. I'm afraid, but when, when that heals up, you gotta go. It's so, it's so gross. So funny. So well-performed, so beautiful. It is funny. And the, the last catch you by surprise. Sometimes somebody is just so grotesque, you're just like, ah, ah, ah, and it is sort of tragic,

but in a kind of goofy way at points when things are just people are so pathetic and sad that you just kind of have to laugh it out. Yeah. It's brilliant. It's so, so brilliant and such great performances. And it's a bit weird. And, you know, it's got a French, she's brilliant, the French writer-director. But I find that when a European person directs and writes an American style movie, all the cultural touching points are just that bit off.

Yeah, yes. But in a very captivating way. And it creates a sort of universe of its own, this kind of surreal America. This sort of transatlantic non-America, this external dream of America. But can you remember any good examples? Because I do love- So for example, the main star of the movie, Demi Moore, she's a fading star and her big show is like a fitness show. And this is a thing that later on, you know, the younger version of herself takes on.

And it's held up as this great, huge platform. And it's like a cool big show. But it's like an 80s style fitness show, which doesn't exist anymore, really. But it's set in the modern day, but she's a huge star for this fit for like a, and a one, two, and a... And it's not on YouTube. It's not on YouTube, it's on like television. Yeah, gross.

It's just like, it's like just a bit off, but it's captivatingly a bit off, you know, and it creates a world of its own. And although for you, Pierre, there's a good bit of misophonia in it. Oh, which is really scary. Well, no, so Dennis Quaid's character, this is a lot of people have seen this movie have gone on to read and said this is actually the most disgusting scene in it. He very noisily eats a bowl of prawns. Ugh, come on, man. And they really, they take the volume up to like a thousand on it. And they zoom in on his fingers and his lips.

Like imagine the bursting tomato from Lord of the Rings and multiply it by a thousand. No, Denethor. Denethor Quaid. Uh... No. Yeah. Okay, I'll keep an eye out for that. That'll be the worst part. That'll be the worst scene for you in the whole movie.

Yeah. And prawns are sort of juicy, crunchy. They're a horrible noise combo. Yeah. They're like a firecracker designed to make me go, oh, stop it. Oh, shut up. I would love to watch you watch that scene. Man alive. Okay. I was psychologically prepped myself for that fucking madness. Well, so my, my, my girlfriend had to, she, she has a fear of vomit. I'm seeing vomit. Metaph A metaphobe. Yeah, it's quite common. More common than you'd think. Yeah, and so she has to check before she goes to see a movie if there is any vomiting in it.

And she found a trigger website that catalogs every trigger possible for every movie. And so you can look up a movie and see all the triggers for it. And if you pay for premium membership, you can search by triggers. If you pay for premium. Yeah, you can search movies by triggers. So they're making money off the shocked. Well, they're trying not to be shocked. Yes, they're sensitive.

Hoping to prevent the shock. Wow. There are such niche triggers you can search under. And the niche my girlfriend found, which is looking this up, was bisexual cheating. Hold on. So you can be warned if there is, in the movie you're going to see, if there is an instance of bisexual cheating. Bisexual cheating.

Yes. So presumably this means someone who cheats on a partner with someone of the same sex. Yes. But the thing about the word bisexual means it could go any way, right? It could be a gay couple where one partner cheats by sleeping with someone of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, yes. It must be. Yes. Okay, hang on.

Yeah, so it must be. Someone cheats on someone. He's rubbing his eyes. Yeah. Someone cheats on someone with someone who is not the same sex as their partner. Right. That's how you'd boil it down. But is there like a support group where it's like a bunch of gay guys and lesbians and straight

women and straight men who are all like, well, we're all different, but we all agree on one thing. Not, not what I am. Stick to a gender. Stick to whatever it is that I am, please, partner of mine? A. Yes. L. That is mad. A. Yeah, it's quite an interesting instance of heterodoxy. It's sort of, stick to one gender.

Any gender, but stick to one. L. But you better stick to it, or I'm going to be very shocked. I'm going to be horrified because I'm very worried about these goddamn bisexuals. Presumably, yeah, this is for people who have been cheated on in this way. I guess so. Yeah, that's the terrible reminder. I don't know what you do about this, Phil. But when I'm in one of some of my venues on my tour, a very nice but ultimately disinterested and overworked venue manager will come backstage and they'll tell me if the building is on fire, go out the fire escape.

And I'll say, yes, thank you. Thank God you came and told me this. Don't run into the fire. Do not try and grab the fire with your hands. You cannot throw it outside the building. Do not negotiate with the fire. Do not try to bribe the fire. They'll say all of this valuable stuff.

Don't try and bribe the fire by just saying, if I feed you wood now, maybe you'll burn less in the future. It doesn't work. We've tried. So they say all the safety things, they say all the boring things. They tell me where the incredibly bad iron an ironing board is. And then they say, sometimes not always, is there anything other any other

any? Is there anything triggering in the show? They'll say, is there anything in the show that we should have a content warning or something or like that? And I don't know, the answer I always say to them is I don't know what people will find shocking. It's not, it's not anything. It's not reasonable to put that on me. Because there's a bit in my show, where I say that biting on a wooden ice lolly stick makes me want to kill myself. And if someone in the audience has a close friend or relative who's killed themselves two days ago, then that's going to make them a lot more upset

than it makes the majority of the audience who laugh at that idea because it's silly. Yeah. I don't know. You'll have to ask everyone in the queue. Do you know anyone who's killed themselves? How recently? How sad are you about it? Are you okay hearing a joke about it? It's about ice lolly sticks. There's no way of knowing. What they mean is, are we going to get in trouble for not warning the audience that you get your cock out or a fake gun that you fire into the air? That's almost always what they mean. But they put the entire thing on the performer. And I'm just there like trying to get changed and make a coffee. And I was like, I don't know, man. What do you tell them?

What do I do? I've never, I've never been asked this. Have you not? No. Maybe they filter it all through Paul the Tour. I just say warn the audience that they're going to have one hell of a good time. have one hell of a good time. If there are people out there triggered by good cheer, then I would suggest they leave. If there's any chicks in the crowd, warn them that there's a whole lot of pastor and vampires

in this one. And they might want to go shopping instead of watching it. On the topic of irons and ironing boards in venues, it is incredible how many times I've turned up to a theater, you know, where there are plays and costumes and lots of costume changes and wardrobe. And I'll say, do you have an iron and ironing board? And they'll go, huh, well, that's interesting. I've heard of an ironing board, an iron. You mean like the ore? You want ore? You want freshly mined iron ore?

And I go, no, the device that makes your clothes flat. And they go, huh, what a curious device. And this exists. So have you just imagined this just then? And I go, no. It comes to you in a tree. Is it in a tree? It is manufactured across around the world. And this exists. So have you just imagined this just then? It is manufactured across around the world.

There's one in every household almost. And we go, wow, interesting. Well, we'll see if we can build one for you. And yesterday, last night I was in, you know, Kirtah, Nottingham and the staff there are great, but they were locked out of the room where they happened to have left the iron and ironing board. And the guy goes, you're going to have to use the one upstairs in the wardrobe department. And I go, okay. And thought, why can't they bring down the ironing board?

So I walk upstairs and I go into this room and it's like, it's, I've never seen an iron and ironing board built into the room. It's like the proper like theater wardrobe iron, you know, it's like the iron itself is like chained with bio and tubed into a console that's built into the ground. I've used one of these. Like you're filling, like, like you're filling your car up at a petrol station, basically. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's like a robot. It's an iron from the future. Yeah. And there's a huge button on it. There you press down your thumb and it goes, and there's like a second delay

before the steam comes out. Cause it's like reaching for this tank of steam to go, gotcha. And, and, and the, the ironing board itself is all like, I looked at it and it all had like, it's like gleaming, there's like bits of glitter in it. I was like, wow, that's so nice. This is like, uh, uh, it's a real theatery, flamboyant ironing board. It's sparkles. And then I put my shirt on and ironed a bit and I noticed some of the glitter was coming

off and I realized, oh no, the ironing board was covered in glitter. No. So I then turn over my show shit and I just see all this glitter. For fuck's sake. You know, the easiest thing to get off anything, glitter. Fuck me. The lack of cleaning of things like irons and ironing boards in theaters is fucking shocking. I mean, so often the tech is bad as well.

Nothing's getting done right. But I find that almost every iron, someone's melted a fucking button into it or someone's tried to iron. It looks like someone's tried to iron a Snickers. They've got my Snickers. Snickers is too lumpy. I like flat Snickers. And they've just and they've just ironed this goop. And then it's like, sometimes an iron can be a bit discolored, but it's still clean. And inevitably, I end up getting like decades of melted goop onto a bit of my shirt and go, oh, for fuck's sake. And you end up showing it to some baffled, you know, 20 year old who's got their trousers on

backwards. And you go, this, this has happened. And they go, oh no. And then they just try and explain this to a person who clearly only wears hoodies. Their wardrobe is like Marge Simpson's, but it's just hoodies. Yeah. But also like they don't, they don't see any connection between their line of work and what's happened to you. No. Yeah. Yeah. They react. They react like you went up to someone at a bus stop and said, I spilled my drink. They're like, Oh, that's bad. But I don't see why you're telling me here at the bus. They're completely detached from it. And they'll never clean the iron.

The iron's going to be getting bits of goop onto people's shirts for a fucking hundred years. And what's great about that gloop on an iron is because the iron's hot. You're basically tattooing your clothes. Yes. Yes, it's unclean. You're branding your clothes, yes, with decades old smudge. Yes. your clothes, yes, with decades old smudge. Yes, yes, yes. You're getting permanent historical

theater smudge on your shirt forever. Congratulations. Oh, man. Well, speaking of horrifying things. Speaking of smudges that you can never get rid of. It's time for some Halloween tat, Phil. Oh, spooky, spookiest tat around. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess.

I like two things, pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of power. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco. If the wife asks, I'm working well you know the Addams family. Personally? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you went to school with Wednesday or Pugsley. I did go to school. I went on a date at school with someone of an Adams

family. There was an Adams family. Yeah. Were they creepy and kooky? No, no, they were blonde, which is, I guess, no, that is creepy, actually. No, that is creepy. But in a very different way. It's not creepy in a gothic way. It's creepy in a children of the corn way. Yeah. Blonde, you're talking folk horror.

If it's platinum blonde, possibly an alien. They were midsummer creepy. Ah, yeah. Swedish creep. It's a terrible weed, Swedish creep, Swedish creep. It's very hard to get rid of. Look, never ever, ever buy a property without checking the garden for Swedish creep.

Cause if there's Swedish creep in there and it gets into the foundations or onto the walls, you are fucked my friend. No one will ensure you against it. Tens of thousands, tens of thousands. It's so hard to kill. You're going to have to pull walls down if you've got Swedish creep. There's an omlaut on one of the E's as well of Swedish crep. So I'll just tell you what this is. It's basically, it's the Adams family lyrics, you know, the tune. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So they're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky. They're

all together. Ookie, which is not a word, but you know, it's bold rhyme. Ookie. That's, that's cheating. That's a cop out. That is a cop out ookoki. Yeah. Cause they've gone kooky, spooky. Oh, fuck. You know, and then they've, oh shit. Okay. Hmm. Take a little lookey. Then they go, no, they could now say bookey. That's a new word. Isn't it a bookey?

Is it? Yeah. I think it's a Gen Z slang. Isn't a bookey where a scouser places their bets. No, it doesn't. Yeah. There's a bookeies. Bookie, when someone is acting strange or weird. Typically used in non-eaten Coventry and Birmingham area. A road man word. Bookie.

Yeah, so it's like spooky. Producer Felipe says, me and my friends use that word. Felipe is a Colombian road man, of course. Of course. He wears a big hood made of quilts, like all the other people on the road. And a big mask. He's a Ooki guy.

Yeah, okay, so they could have used that. Take a little Ooki, Ooki. Pookie is a sort of pet name. Yeah, I mean, they've just given up and gone with Uki there. The Adams family lyricists. But this is a whole big sign, Phil, that someone's done cobwebs and bats and shit with those lyrics. And then it's a, they're all together, Uki, the Nabs family. Okay, so these are just customizable decorations where you just change atoms to whatever your family is. Yeah, you just suck your own family name in there. What's the least likely family name, do you think, to see on this song?

Or Spooky. Yeah. Altogether, Uki, the Jones, the Jones family. That's the most likely, isn't it, statistically? Oh, so I thought you mean the one that just doesn't have any sort of creepy undertones to it. Oh, none of that. I mean, most names wouldn't have any creepy undertones. It's like the Dracula family or something. It's like the Dracula family or something. Well, Adams does now because of the Adams family.

Yes, yeah. But like anything like Jones Smith, obviously it doesn't. But what I mean is- Also the rarest. Well, I would be surprised if I saw a custom Halloween decoration and it was like, well, like given that we were discussing last week, a Malaysian surname. Yeah. Really? Okay. Yeah, right, right, right. The Bin Zayni family. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. The Bin Salmans. You're like, really? Okay. I would love it if Mohammed Bin Salman somehow managed to get Halloween to be okay in Saudi Arabia.

Yeah, right, right, right. There's no fucking way. Part of the modernizing. Yes. We're like, women can drive sometimes without a chaperone. We will have some cinemas that show some films. Also, we're all going to do Halloween. It would be such a leap.

In a country that officially still executes wizards. It's a busy night. Halloween night is the executioners busiest night of the year. It's a complete trap. That's how he sold it. He's gone to the very, very conservative, sort of, you know, the Bedouin, the very conservative interior of the country that is always on the lookout for any signs of decadence in the monarchy. He's gone to them, the various tribal leaders and chiefs and headmen and imams, and he said to them, it's a big, we're going to

tell all the wizards that there's a big party that they can walk around. They could just admit who they are. It's really clever. It's sweet. If they go to people's houses, we will give them sweets. But we can catch them is the point. No more trying to dig out these wizards. They'll be coming out. They'll be the ones who don't need a costume, actually. So have a look out the ones not in costume. Yes, yes, yes, yes. They would take such massive bollocks as the head of the nominal head of Saudi Arabia. No, no, not nominal. Like actual nominals, whoever the king currently is pretending to be, to just come out and

say, we're all doing fucking Halloween and I don't care if you like it. We're all dressing up like demons. It'd be so funny. It'd be such a bad idea. It would be like if tomorrow Keir Starmer just tried to ban alcohol. The country would just melt down. They would just go mental. So here's some tat you can whisper. Can I go trick or treating and ask for blank? Can I go trick or treating and ask for Prosecco?

Oh, you're so close. It's wine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wine. It's wine. I cannot imagine something more unappealing than holding up a plastic pumpkin bucket while a stranger pours their wine into it. Yeah, it's like half empty already and they're just pouring a bit of warm wine in a bag. It just gets sopping wet. But it was even in like a plastic bucket. It would just be like a drinking challenge from a stag do.

It's like 10 houses worth of mixed wine in one bucket. The wine is coming out of the pumpkin's lips in your little tub. But just drinking 10 different wines from strangers. Disgusting. Oh yeah, you down it all at the end of the night. You down whatever mixture you have. Yeah. Zombies kill, but so can blank. Blank your blank. Wow. Zombies kill, but so can blank. Blank your blank. Is blank your blank, watch your back? No it's an instruction, but it is a practical instruction that you see on signs a lot. They've

zombie Halloweened a normal day-to-day sign that we look at all the time. Watch your step. No, no, no. Even more normal than that. Curd your loins. So say this one again. Zombies kill, but so can blank. Blank your blank

zombies kill but so can and is it another monster no it's the real thing that relates to the instruction so for example so for example if if it was zombies kill but so can rocks wear a helmet. Yeah. It's like that level of relation. Zombies kill but so can cars. Watch your road. Zombies kill but so can lightning.

It's a sign that you might well see every day. Wow. Depending on how often you might well see every day. Wow. Depending on how often you go to restaurants or cafes. So can alcohol drink? No, you're making too much of the restaurant cafe things specifically. Or any public places. No, I can't. Zombies kill, but so can germs wash your hands. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, sure. And a Halloween mug you can buy on Etsy. It has two dancing skeletons and it says I like spooky things and the word fuck. No, I hate this. Yeah, that's gross. I hate that a lot. That is lame. It's pretty gross. That is chugy. That is a boogie. It is chugy, isn't it? It's yeah, there's a lot of bad Halloween. Altogether oogie.

Oogie. A lot of mugs. More booze, please. Like ghosts. Okay lot of mugs. More booze please. Like ghosts. Okay, yeah. Yeah. What's up witches? Like bitches.

Okay, yeah. Yeah. Pretty exhausting. Well, already sick Halloween hasn't even happened. Well, the spookiest thing about this episode is that it is over. It is dead. Just like a zombie. Just like an ooky-booky ghost. This episode is dead in the ground, but you can resurrect it by listening to it again. And if you're a Patreon, you can listen to Spooky Bonus Pod, where we will be in the exclusive graveyard, maybe? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So see Patreon's there. Otherwise, happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Keep it up. Happy Hop-tune-ay. Ah, yes, to use the Swedish creep terminology. Manx, Manx, Hop-tune-ay.

I thought Hop-tune-ay was, what's the Scottish one? Hogmanay. Hogmanay, no. Hop-tune-ay is Manx Halloween. Hogmanay is Hogmanay, no. Hop-tune-ay is next Halloween. Hogmanay is new years. It does, Scotland have a specific Halloween name? I don't know. They might just call it All Souls Eve or something. Let me see. Scottish Halloween.

I mean, they might, if you're trying to be like a modern pagan person, you might just call it Chivan or however you pronounced Sam Hayne? Yeah, it's just Sam Hayne. It's spelled Sam Hayne, but I think it's pronounced Shiva. Nice. You know, you know, Sam, you, you, you, you love, have you not hang out with enough fucking wiccans and stuff? No, never.

Never. I only hang out with people of science. Sawen. It's pronounced Sawen or Sawen. They say it's got a max name as well. Yeah, but it's Hop-Tuna on the Isle of Man. Well, happy Hop-Tuna everybody. Yeah, the trouble is that Sawens, it's been takenuna everybody. Yeah, the trouble is that Samhain's... It's been taken over by a bunch of people who pretend that they're druids, but they're

not druids. They're making it up. Anyway, we go off to the VIP graveyard where I will cough myself into the grave and then I will belong. You'll be one with the earth. As we all will be one day. Goodbye everyone!