BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 297 - Jingle Bell Rock

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

BudPod 297! This week, the boys discuss why Phil has become meaner than ever before, share their picks for the best (and worst) festive films and a recent encounter with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.... Catch Pierre's show 'Must We?' at the Soho Theatre in March 2025! Tickets available now hereWatch Phil's brand new Netflix special 'Wang In There Baby' now!We have brand new BudPod MERCH!!Patrons get 20% discount on all merch!https://visualanticsapparel.com/collections/budpod-podcastDon’t forget to like, subscribe and follow us on socials @budpodofficialKoji x Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and BAM! Instant
Starting point is 00:00:25 inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. It's Bud Pod 297. 297, 297 festive heaven, Christmas time coming up. It's rolling. Christmas time basically here. Christmas time having the joy and fun all the day. Christmas time basically here is very funny. That's right everyone, it's basically here. Have you done your Christmas shopping Pierre? Mostly.
Starting point is 00:01:03 Have you? Mostly. Review. Mostly. Wow. I've done my, um, minorly. I've done, I've sorted one person. Only one. I've sorted three, maybe four. That's pretty good. And always remember if you're stuck for a Christmas gift, a nice version of an everyday thing. This is the best gift getting advice I've ever read. Get a nice version of an everyday thing. A really nice glass, a really nice knife, a really nice spatula.
Starting point is 00:01:42 Things that are fancy, but if you were to buy for yourself, you have any harder. Yes, that is good. You know, find a hard to qualify by yourself a really nice pillow. I was mocked by my girlfriend because my older sister asked us in a WhatsApp group, what kind of things do you want for Christmas? Yeah. And obviously you can't say, well, a Ferrari then. Yeah. Go on then. Mr. Christmas, if that is your real name. You have to be reasonable. And in the flat at the moment, Phil, we have three spatulas. Ah, so that's out of the question. Well, no, because there's a good spatula and there are two dog shit spatulas that are probably giving us cancer. Black plastic? Yeah. And a bit meltier the tips, some of them.
Starting point is 00:02:28 Right. Yeah. And no bend to them at all. Not ideal. The good spatula is a marvelous rubber red spatula. I've got a marvelous rubber red spatula. That's great. Yeah. It curves.
Starting point is 00:02:42 Ooh. Because it's bendy enough. Yeah. So if you got a big curved frying pan. It hugs the curves of the pan. It hugs the curves. Thank you. Where were you? Where were you?
Starting point is 00:02:51 When you were trying to ride up the poppy ride. What I was asking for. It hugs the curves of the pan, people. And if you're scrambling eggs. I've heard it to be done. A rigid, a rigid spatula. Yeah. The curve of the pan is beyond your power.
Starting point is 00:03:12 No, no, too rigid. Anything that goes up there. No hugging happening at all. That's a no hugging pan. The fine red spatula. You're getting all that egg off the side. You're not losing any egg with the fine off the side you're not losing any egg with the fine red spatula losing any egg eggs not leaking off into your
Starting point is 00:03:31 otherwise crew more scrambled eggs no so I asked for a lovely one of these yeah was roundly mocked for my lack of Christmasy imagination but then you just think well okay then a gingerbread house. I don't want that, but if it has to be Christmasy, I mean, this is my complaint. Yeah, I like to receive practical gifts and I like to give practical gifts, but people don't always like to receive practical gifts.
Starting point is 00:03:57 Other people I'm fine with, they can have a fucking gingerbread house if they want. They can have a bubble gun. No, but I don't like that. I don't like buying something for someone that I think is useless. Yeah. It doesn't feel as good, but if it brings them joy in its uselessness. It doesn't use this to me. I don't care. I don't care about people's joy. I want them to be able to get through that day more effectively. You want
Starting point is 00:04:19 to, you're not so much father Christmas as as Father the guy who founded Singapore. Ah, Lee Kuan Yew. Yeah, your father Lee Kuan Yew. If you're a good boy, Lee Kuan Yew will come and make one of your daily tasks 10 to 15 percent more efficient. Yeah, that's right. And if enough of that happens, then you're done by noon, you know. That's really funny.
Starting point is 00:04:41 If I was getting a bubble gun for someone who at least I knew would like use the bubble gun every day. That's a bubble sheriff. Some sort of bubble sheriff. The sheriff of bubble town. It's like almost tax deductible for him. So the sheriff of bubble town or perhaps a bubble hitman. I'd be happy to give them a bubble gun.
Starting point is 00:05:03 Whereas what makes me feel bad is if I'm getting some wasteful plastic nonsense for like one of my nephews and niece. And you know that they're going to go, yeah. And just immediately like the second their eyes hit something else, it'll just drop to the floor. And you just think pointless waste of time, waste of space. Harder than you think, by the way, to buy books for kids. Really? In terms of... Because they're always changing. The brain is always changing.
Starting point is 00:05:30 Yeah. But then like, one of my nephews is like four. And so you sit there and go, okay, what do four year olds read? What can they read? And then you think, how smart is my nephew for a four year old as well? Or like for a seven year old or whatever. Cause you go, well, they're very smart seven year olds. So maybe I can get them this book for a 10 year old. Ulysses. Yeah. Here you go. Ulysses and a bubble gun. Choose which future you want. An illegal firework and a level revision textbook for physics. I actually did get an A level physics book as a gift from my mom when I was like 10.
Starting point is 00:06:14 I just was into physics and I just wanted a book about physics. I love that book. That is verging on a cartoon fact about you. Yeah, really good book, really good diagrams. It was good stuff about mechanics. I don't doubt it for a second. That's such a fucking, I mean, I was going to say it's not a Milhouse gift. It's a Dexter's laboratory. It's a Dexter's lab gift.
Starting point is 00:06:44 Thank you, Mader. I mean, I was going to say it's not a Milhouse gift. It's a Dexter's laboratory. It's a Dexter's lab gift. Yeah. Thank you, my dear. As Milhouse says, I'm not a nerd. Nerds are smart. Yeah. He's a dork. He's a dork. He's a dweeb.
Starting point is 00:06:53 Yeah, he's a dweeb. A lot of people, sidebar, a lot of people these days coming out and calling themselves nerds. No, a lot of them are just losers. There's a difference and they need to know. I'm seeing a lot of talk online, online and a lot of these, a lot of these so-called nerds are just losers. This is really funny.
Starting point is 00:07:12 A lot in culture. I'm sorry. I'm a bit of a nerd. Dinner parties and conversations. I'm a bit of, no, you're not. You're a dweeb. You're a loser. Nerds are not losers. Nerds have given up an element of their social life to be very good at something very smart and very knowledgeable about something. You are just a loser. Nerd is academic.
Starting point is 00:07:32 A geek, I think, is the same level of intense knowledge and skill acquisition as a nerd, but in something that's not tied to academia. Oh, interesting, yes. So you can be a Star Wars geek, but Star Wars is not your job. Right. Okay. Okay. But you're, you're nerding out as it were, you're at a nerd level, but with something that's recreational. So you think so nerd has to be about science. Geek can, geek is just off. I think nerd has to be academic. Fandom. Geek is more fandom.
Starting point is 00:08:05 Yeah, geek is fandom. Okay. Enthusiast. Sure, that's fair enough. Whereas I think nerd has to be academic. You know what the geek originally meaning of what geek it was like a- It's like circus freak.
Starting point is 00:08:15 Circus performer bit the heads off chickens. There you go. It was a geek. That's recreational. Oh, you want to geek out, do you? Oh, you got to bite the head off a chicken at Wicked. Are you? Well, what do people mean when they say I'm a bit of a nerd?
Starting point is 00:08:34 They mean I read a bit about one thing. I read a magazine sometimes. I've watched a movie. I've watched. That would be a much funnier thing to say. I've read Abbo. I have watched a movie. Oh, which one was it? Yes.
Starting point is 00:08:52 The number of times people have said, I've wanted to say in person. You're not a nerd. You're not a nerd, nerds are smart. And I've stayed my tongue, Pierre. I've stayed my tongue. You've kept your blade in your scabbard. You've put your own hand on your,
Starting point is 00:09:10 like one hand is already on the hilt of it and your other hand covers the hilt. No, it is not right to slay them, even though they are wrong. Cause that would destroy someone. I would, of course. It's horrible to say. If someone's like, I'm a real nerd,
Starting point is 00:09:23 you go, you're not smart enough to be a nerd. You just go, I have to go jump off a cliff now because that's devastating. I'm worried that the second Trump presidency is going to make me really come out as a bully. As my, yeah, my mean self is really going to come out even more than it has over the last few years. I've become a lot meaner. I'm way meaner than I used to be. I'm way nastier than I used to be. Since COVID. COVID was a big thing that made me much meaner. I think it made a lot of people meaner. Yeah. It definitely made people more poorly behaved and more intense. We saw the difference in comedy. I made a conscious decision. Was it 2021? My New Year's resolution was to be more selfish. 2022 was my New Year's resolution was to be more kind.
Starting point is 00:10:09 And the 2023 is to be more selfish again. And that's the last one I did. And so as an experiment, as a personal social experiment, you've had two years selfish, one year kind. Two years selfish, one year kind. And two years selfish was more just, more right. The year kind, the kind year, I think probably was happier, but it was less just. And you felt less like you were being morally or internally consistent or something. That's right. I think
Starting point is 00:10:40 I'd probably be better off living kindly, but I know too much to live kindly. I feel, I, you know, it's hard to go back. It's hard to go back. Like a guy who's been to war. You're supposed to be nice to kids. I can't be nice to anyone after what I saw. Cause to live kindly means someone says I'm a bit of a nerd and you go, instead of going, no, nerds are smart. You have to go, yeah, me too.
Starting point is 00:11:04 Yeah. Yeah. So it's not right. It's not just, but you, your body is so dumb that you can trick yourself into being happy by speaking happily. Yeah. Speaking happy. Yes. Speak your happy. Speak your happy. That makes me feel like the Empress in star Wars. Oh, please no. Like old and like rotten. No. Like that. Yuck.
Starting point is 00:11:29 Speak your happy. Fuck. That makes me, now I mean. Now I meaner. I'm worried I'm gonna get meaner and meaner and meaner and I'm gonna be a really mean old man. That's my worry about myself. When do you think we will be too mean?
Starting point is 00:11:45 When you've made someone cry in front of you? When you've made someone literally like in a cartoon go, boo hoo hoo, like cover their face and go boo hoo hoo and run away into a different room? No, cause I think I'll probably go, they need to grow up. So even that wouldn't be enough. Well, it depends on the person.
Starting point is 00:12:03 If there's someone who I thought, already thought, is too much of, too subject to their emotions and their feelings and needs to practice a little. If it was the seventh Sunday of that day. Yeah. Okay. But when would I be too, I think if I'm going out of my way.
Starting point is 00:12:20 To be mean. To be mean, that's too far. If you're scouting for- I mean if something is brought to me, if someone is, you know, I, I, I won't, I won't lie out of politeness. I can't, you know, I can't do that anymore. Yes. Yes. Okay. So you're not a bystander. You don't want to be doing random drive by meanness. No, no. Walking past the shop, looking in going, this doesn't seem economical. Yeah. Yeah. Well, cause I've always been- This is the third bakery on this road.
Starting point is 00:12:50 The people I've always most admired in life are people who have been able to be mean when they when they ask directly. When they need to be. Yeah. Cause there's that, I find compelling this philosophical, philosophical argument that says if you're incapable of cruelty, there's no moral value to being kind because you haven't made a decision. You're stuck being kind anyway. You're being kind anyway. If you're just like a grinning idiot, you want a better person than a mean, clever person who you're not a better person because you had no choice.
Starting point is 00:13:22 You had no option. Yeah. You don't have, there's no credit in it. Yeah. Cause you haven't made the moral decision to not be the most moral person is someone who is constantly wants to murder everyone they meet and never does it. Yeah. Right.
Starting point is 00:13:38 And can cause they've done the most work and can get away with it. I don't get away with it. We haven't brought into it. Okay. The deed itself. Okay. A guy with a gun just walking around in a murderous rage all the time. Yeah. Never does it. Never does it. He's the most moral. He's more moral than a kindly old lady strolling down the street the other side of the road. Cause he's putting more work. He's been more. Well, she couldn't kill someone if she wanted to. But then, right. But then is that, is then is that like saying the most academic person
Starting point is 00:14:06 is someone who does 50, 100 million hours of work to get like a C grade? Well, they're harder working. They are harder working. They're harder working, you can't deny that. But it's harder working at morality. I'm distinguishing between working at being moral and moral result.
Starting point is 00:14:24 You're right. So the kindly old lady is the equivalent of the naturally talented math student of morality. Because she's not putting any work in, but she's still just busting out A's. Because she's dodging about as a kindly old lady. Yeah. Right. So her moral work ethic is low,
Starting point is 00:14:40 but her moral output is A star. Okay. Because it's passive. It's a passive. She's benign passively. Yeah. Well, she can give sweets to kids and says, that's a lovely hat deal or whatever the fuck. It's, it's according to her whim. Yeah. So it's not, it's not effortful for her to do this because she comes easily. She's like a math genius. That's right. Whereas the, the murderer with a gun walking around who isn't killing people but wants to desperately is more, I would say- Noble.
Starting point is 00:15:08 More noble and more moral than the kindly old lady. But not in output necessarily. Not in effect, but morality is not about effect. It's not about result. Morality is about that squidgy domain between intention and reality. Yes. Yes, okay.
Starting point is 00:15:28 How much of your, how much do you think you could temper your own meanness, not through kindness, but through laziness? It is tempered through laziness. That's the only, that's the only, that's the main thing keeping me from being that's the only
Starting point is 00:15:41 a crueler person is the amount of energy we require. That's the only set of brakes on your cruel car. Is that I'd have to walk all the way over there to point out that they're fucking stupid. Yeah, right. Exactly. I find mean Phil very funny. Why? I just, I think it's so funny to, for someone, like you've said on this podcast before, just say, I'm not nice. I think more people should say it. I agree. But that's because that's not what happens.
Starting point is 00:16:11 That's why it's so funny when it happens. I would love a Hollywood A-lister to say, I'm not nice. I would love that so much. And the reason Hugh Grant is so ticklish and marvelous lately to Hollywood is because that's what he's been doing. Yes. Like when he was on that red carpet and was really mean to that lady who was interviewing him in a sort of slightly silly way. And he's went, I don't know what you're talking about.
Starting point is 00:16:35 It's just really cutting. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's un-lis-al. Wickedly delicious. Wickedly delicious. Deliciously wicked.
Starting point is 00:16:43 Devilishly naughty. Yuck. Berk. Wickedly delicious. Wickedly delicious. Deliciously wicked. Devilishly naughty. Yuck. Burk. My least favorite advert I've ever seen is for the vape shop, totally wicked. It's got like a devil face on it and stuff. It's a horrible vape.
Starting point is 00:16:56 This is like a TV advert. It was in the cinema. For a vape shop? It's like a big chain, yeah. No. Philippe, can you Google totally wicked and see if it's still open? No, I hate that. I hate that we're there as a society. It's really, big chain. No. Philippe, can you Google totally wicked and see if it's still open? No, I hate that.
Starting point is 00:17:06 I hate that we're there as a society. It's really, really yucky. Vape shop adverts in the cinema. Wait till you hear the adverts. Money changes in the temple, Pierre. Money vapors. Christ, Christ overturning the vape shop is a painting I would love to see. Just cherry ice blast flying all over the place.
Starting point is 00:17:37 It's still going, okay. You vape in the house of my father. Oh, that's good. So here's the advert. Okay. Yeah. The advert was, and it had the production quality of British television. Low. Okay, low. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:54 I could go on a few ways. So we've just seen a $20 million advert for some sort of car. Yeah. And we've just seen a $10 million advert for a $300 million movie. Yeah. And we've just seen a $10 million advert for a $300 million movie. And now suddenly it's like, it's been filmed on someone's mate's camera and it's in this dingy high street with gray. Like Saul Goodman has made it in a Bedical Saul.
Starting point is 00:18:16 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like gray sunlight quality of our vapes. I mean, it's a decent premise for a vape shop. Of course. The premise was the sheer range and quality of our vapes is such that it will delay you. It will delay you. Yeah. You'll get lost amongst the aisles of marvelous vapes. Okay. So, this businessman, other people were being delayed, but the man I remember was this businessman sort of like, sort of got drawn in by the glamour of this big vape shop.
Starting point is 00:19:02 So these people are walking past the vape shop. They've all got something to do, it seems, but they are- Yeah, this businessman's on the way home after work. Right. He gets drawn into the vape shop seduced by it. Yeah. And he spends so long in there. That his wife leaves him.
Starting point is 00:19:14 That his wife leaves him and he kills himself. No. He spends- He goes, whoa, that's a pretty intense advert. He got to have vaped his life away. I'm gonna remember that. Wow. No, he gets spent so long in there
Starting point is 00:19:26 that he's like late for his wife. Sure. And he gets in the car and rings her or answers the phone. Cause she's maybe been ringing him the whole time. I think vaguely maybe that's what she was doing. And he kept like canceling the calling. No, it's, wives are always bothering you while you're at the vape shop.
Starting point is 00:19:43 At the vape shop, right? Just trying to hang with the land. Trying to be with my vapes. It's me time. So she keeps ringing him or whatever like he's ignoring it. And then he gets in his car and answers and says, lying to his wife, of course, well, sorry, darling, I'm just leaving the office. I'm so late. I'm only just getting, like getting past such and such a street now because the, sorry about
Starting point is 00:20:03 being late. Yeah. And his excuses, because the traffic was, and then looks out the window and sees the shop and goes, totally wicked? Which is not a phrase. Sorry, the traffic was totally wicked. Hang on, hang on, is that the name of that vape shop you're always in?
Starting point is 00:20:21 Oh, are you trying to tell me that the traffic was sort of exciting? Well, like really cool. The traffic was totally wicked. Like a 1990 school child. Were people getting out of their cars and doing ollies? How was the traffic totally wicked? Yeah, skateboard is totally wicked! Is this BBC Kids Breakfast, 2003 or some shit? The traffic was totally wicked. Bizarre. And like, sorry darling, the traffic was totally wicked. As every delivered as if everyone in the cinema
Starting point is 00:20:49 is supposed to go, oh, I see. That's a phrase about traffic, isn't it? I find it so- It made me so annoyed. This is, I must have made fucking 12 years ago I saw this. Oh wow, I thought this was recent. No, this is from a long time ago.
Starting point is 00:21:02 That's early for a vape shop. It was, I don't know, whenever it was, it was definitely pre-COVID. Wow, we... Totally wicked. And there's one on my road and every time I see it, the advert plays in my head and I get annoyed again. Well, then it worked. You're doing exactly what they wanted. I would, yeah, it's worked in the sense that now there's a specific brand of vape shop I particularly wish would get burned down or destroyed or go out of business.
Starting point is 00:21:28 Has any other genre of shop gone from birth to sign of economic decline as quickly as the vape shop? As soon as the vape shop became a thing that existed, it was a sign that your high street was dying. Is there anything else? I mean, presumably betting- William Hill? Yeah, I was gonna say, presumably betting shops were never attractive or cool or raised house prices. But they're quite a Blair-era thing.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Betting shops, really? Bookies still existed, but like the Blair era was a big era of liberalization of gambling, for sure. Right, right, right. I, yeah. I mean, for your product to enter the market and instantly it's like having a neon XXX sign. Yeah, an instant rent lowerer.
Starting point is 00:22:13 Yeah. In whatever street it's in. What other product has done that? I don't know. And always depressing and always looks ugly. Yeah, always gross. Ugly, ugly. Even the ones that are like, we're sort of connoisseurs.
Starting point is 00:22:23 Yeah, would my Lord care for a pineapple juice blast? You can ask us for our opinions on vapes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it won't matter what we say because you already know what strawberry flavor is. And all they have to say is, well, this one's 200 milligrams per thousand or whatever. This one's, and you can just read down the box.
Starting point is 00:22:41 One puff of this one is like a whole cigarette and one puff on this one is like 10 cigarettes. Oh, thank you. Lovely. I'll fuck my whole life up with these. Thank you very much. What's the most depressing high street? It's, it's a vape shop, a betting shop and a charity shop, but a charity shop for one that you haven't specifically heard of, I find is more like, what? Yeah, right. Like an, like an obscure one or a local one or local one sometimes is assigned as quite nice because you go to the local concern for this one. But it's the one where it's like vape shop betting shop and then like war donkey or something. And you go, oh, even if you want to buy from a charity shop, it
Starting point is 00:23:23 has to be for like kind of slightly shit charity. Bad barber is yeah. Bad barber. And it's a nice shop where the branding of a nice brand is still visible, fully boarded up. So they, you can see they tried a nice thing. They tried a nice thing and now it's gone. An electronic sort of repair shop where they have like the Apple logo but it's all stickers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they sell, yeah, there's all these signs about phone screen replacement and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Phone screen repair shops. Internet cafe.
Starting point is 00:23:59 Internet cafe. Yeah, that's true. Internet cafe. Forget those will exist. There's an internet cafe slash vape shop slash repair shop slash what are they doing shop on my road as well. And it is a kind of, it appears to be a members club for Somali men in their fifties and sixties. Mm. Yeah. And they seem to be having a great time. They've got like little wooden chairs, like from a dining room, and they just kind of put them outside the shop and hang out. And sometimes they're on the computer. I don't know what they could possibly be doing on the computer because they have smartphones
Starting point is 00:24:31 just playing Warcraft or something. Yeah. The original Counter-Strike. Yeah. Just play CS Dust like D dust. You're camping the bomb. You fucking out there. If I could speak Somali, if I could speak one of the many Somali languages, I could hear them fucking. You're camping the bomb site with a fucking Barrett 50 caliber, you noob. D dust was for like a year. D dust was such an important bit part of my life. And how good are you? I wasn't navigating D dust. You could do it in your sleep. Just with your eyes closed, just like left, right, left. That's what these guys are doing. They're chewing cut and playing Counter-Strike original.
Starting point is 00:25:12 Cause the computers there are old. And I get the impression that if I walked in, they'd assume I was about to rob them as opposed to me going, could I have some incredibly thick coffee and go on one of these computers, please? Like, what the fuck is this guy? Could I have the dustiest, like the grainiest coffee I've ever imagined and, and, uh, get on, get online.
Starting point is 00:25:35 Yeah. Could I have coffee that is so powerful? I think I, I won't sleep for 10 days. I wasn't Egypt. I think I had the grainiest because it's like the thing there. The closer you get to where coffee is from, the just grainy, the grainier it gets. They want to taste the, they want it to be like, they want to chew it. Yeah. They really do. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what those guys are up to, but they said they're always there all
Starting point is 00:26:02 day and they have these very spirited conversations with each other and have a good time and they're laughing and stuff. And they're on these like wooden dining chairs. Yeah. Kind of spilling out a bit. Oh, they're having a great time. I just, what are the, what is that? Yeah. Why would you, why do you need to go on a windows 98 sometimes? It's so strange. A pub with BT Sports banners, but the windows you can't see through. Yeah, windows with the newspaper taped over. But it's still running. It's still open. It's open, but for some reason they've newspapered the windows because of how often they get
Starting point is 00:26:39 smashed and it's safer this way. And a sign for BT Sports, Sky Sport, and a racing channel. The worst pubs I've ever been in have had dog racing live on the TV. Wow. I've never seen that. It's frightening. The people who are interested in dog racing are frightening people. When they're not even in the William Hill, they're in the pub watching the racing and they've got all these strong views on various dogs. Dogs. Oh man, imagine having an opinion on a dog. Oh God. Imagine, yeah, you've lost 300 quid because you got the wrong opinion on a dog.
Starting point is 00:27:13 Imagine having a parasocial relationship with a dog. A famous dog. Imagine having a famous dog in your life. Oh God. Yeah, a dog that you trust or a dog that you hate. Dog that everything is riding on this dog. Oh man. God. Yeah. A dog that you trust or a dog that you hate. Dog that everything is riding on this dog. Oh man. God damn it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:30 One of those pubs, very frightening. And with like, it's a, it's a Tuesday and it's 3 PM and there are two of the biggest bounces you've ever seen outside. Even though it's not a nightclub and it's not a Saturday night, it's a Tuesday and it's still daylight and they've got mafia level security. That's a frightening pub. That's a frightening pub. A shut down, a nice thing.
Starting point is 00:27:57 So I remember feeling depressed walking from Swansea train station to Swansea town center. And I walked past a like gutted and boarded up trade union meeting. Oh, right. membership house. Yeah. And the sign was still like Swansea miners union or whatever. It was just this like ghost building. You just go, oh, yeah. Or like a beautiful old, sometimes you'll come across like a beautiful like old cinema or something. Yeah. something. Or a ballroom. Yes, yeah. Or even just something nice like Scouts. The Scout meeting place.
Starting point is 00:28:29 And it's just boarded up. Boarded up. And it's just like graffiti all over. We haven't had a child here for 30 years. The children learn all they need to at the William Hill. And at the vape shop. Why our boys can replace a phone screen like that? And they make the grittiest coffee you'll ever sip.
Starting point is 00:28:52 The children don't need to learn how to tie knots anymore. City slicker. You bourgeois little freak. Yeah. What else is on a horrible high street? I think that's pretty much it. A little plaza bit where they've tried. A little bit of green and like a bench and a
Starting point is 00:29:16 stool where they've just tried it. They planted one tree and they went maybe this. Please, please. Please tree. Please grow so big you block out everything. So we can't see anything anymore. Yeah. And the patch of green has got like knee skids in it. It looks like people have played football quite aggressively on the little bit of green. There's like knee divots in it. Yeah. And there's a sort of an attempt at a statue. They just got to the waist. That would be quite cool. That would look like the fall of Rome or something. There's somewhere, Grim, I was walking through, it was a statue of like, it wasn't this, but
Starting point is 00:29:56 it was something like this. The bass player from Pink Floyd was from there or something. But it was a statue of just him. Not someone you would visually recognize from a statue. Just like a guy with longish hair and a guitar just standing. So you go, oh, that could be almost anyone from the history of music. And you had to go up to the plaque and it was like, not a good statue. And you have to go, oh, he was from around here. Okay. I just sigh and slouch back to the awful high street. Everything shutting at 5pm. Yeah. That's going to be a bad sign. I mean, that
Starting point is 00:30:36 is also a London to be fair. Yeah. Didn't like that noise. Yeah. I thought I'd go for it. That was awful. That's a bad sign of a town for me. Someone standing around on the high street making noises like that. Just sloshing in the globe. He's our town slurper. He's like the town crier. He was much more subtle.
Starting point is 00:30:57 He's much wetter and harder to hear unless you're quite near him. His job is to slurp the news at you. Slurp ye, slurp ye. Yuck. Where's the grimmest place you've done a gig? I mean, it's hack to say, but Hull didn't make me feel happy. No. Where else? Bognorigis, Butlins. Like Swindon is a bummer. It can be. I had a nice crowd in Swindon, but a couple of the shops I walked past were frightening.
Starting point is 00:31:33 Yeah. Look, and these people will be the first to say, this is part of the reason we've been angry just sort of ambiently. Ambiently angry for 50 years. But Butlins, Bog Bogneriges was bad. Even just hearing those words together makes me panic. My Edinburgh Fringe preview was at like noon and I arrived at like half past 10 in the morning and I saw nine men at half past 10 in the morning dressed like Native American
Starting point is 00:32:03 Indians. Oh no. dressed like Native American Indians. So like, but I mean like loincloths and big headdresses and nude otherwise. Screaming drunk, fighting each other with traffic cones. So they're not even thematically consistent. Get a tomahawk. Yeah, there's no traffic there. Artin's Apache country. No traffic for miles. Yeah. They were like hooting and slapping
Starting point is 00:32:28 each other with traffic cones in their loincloths and trainers with big hand dresses on. I hate this country sometimes. And when I see that happening, I really, I get a deep hatred for this country. And not because you think it's offensive for them to wear war bonnets. Oh, that is a tertiary thought. I haven't even got to that yet. It's genuinely to arrive at like buttons, Bognor Regis and to be like, right, I've got to do this gig and just see this gang of screaming lunatics.
Starting point is 00:33:00 Terrifying. Yeah, really. I thought to myself, this is going to be bad. Anyway, I'm just saying this is, this is going to be bad. Um, yeah, I'm just saying this is, this is a very Christmasy. Sorry. Yeah. This is Christmas spirit. What's the most Christmasy place you've ever gigged? I guess like, oh, well last year, oh no, this year, God, February, January, this year did a ski gig. So, you know, we've started by snow and Switzerland and France.
Starting point is 00:33:30 That was pretty Christmasy. What Christmas movie are you looking forward to seeing? As I say every year, every year, the greatest Christmas movie is Jingle All the Way with an Arnold Schwarzenegger and his son Jamie. It's amazing. The best movie. It has like 20% of Rotten Tomatoes and it's the best Christmas movie ever. Jamie, I'm just an all-American guy. Ordinary office working dad.
Starting point is 00:33:58 I sell beds. Do they sell beds? He always sells beds. He sells beds. You're my favorite customer. You're my favorite customer. You're my favorite customer. My favorite bed customer. How many beds are people buying? I mean, how sleepy is this guy? How many different beds? I can't imagine someone... I've found my belly out this whole time.
Starting point is 00:34:16 That's funny. Damn it. I can't... That's quite Christmassy. Oh, I'd have a big old belly. Yeah. I'm so fat, man. I'm so fat. Yeah, me too. I was down like a kilo... I was done like a kilogram, a couple of weeks ago. I then I was great. And then now I'm a kilogram above my starting point.
Starting point is 00:34:31 So what have I done? I haven't, what have I been doing? I haven't weighed myself for a long time in the same way that someone who gambles too much doesn't check their bank balance for a long time. I know I won't be happy with the number. So I'm really trying to put off doing it. I'm getting strong though. Leg day today, big strong boy. Good stuff. Yeah, I'm getting strong, getting ready to fight off Santa on the big day.
Starting point is 00:35:00 He's trying to give you gifts that don't optimize your life. You've got to punch and kick him until he gives up. Me shoving him back up the chimney. I don't want it. Not this year, Nick. Nicholas. What you're doing is sick, by the way. Sick. You're not a nerd. You're not a nerd.
Starting point is 00:35:18 Nerds are smart, Nick. A bit of a nerd about Christmas. Yuck. That's what Santa would say. Bear Jingle All The Way, the greatest Christmas movie. What's your Christmas movie? What's your Christmas movie? Die Hard?
Starting point is 00:35:32 Shut up. Shut up. Nerds are smart. Shut up. You're not a nerd. Nerds are smart. You cock mumble asshole. Get out of here.
Starting point is 00:35:40 Die Hard's a Christmas movie. You wank puffin. Get out of here. Yuck. Yuck. Get out of here. Yuck. Yuck. Back into your hole. Tea drinker.
Starting point is 00:35:49 Get out of here. Bit sweary. Bit sweary. Yuck. What's my Christmas movie? Batman Returns is a good one. Yeah, okay. In the, in the, in the, actually.
Starting point is 00:36:03 Actually, I think you're fine. Technically. People don't talk about Batman Return returns as a Christmas movie, I'd say it's more Christmas even diehard That's and that's a girl be the next one. Yeah becomes a meme. I Like the Nightmare Before Christmas Yep, I like it. It's I always I'll always give it a peep Well, I don't know other than that. What are the Christmas movies are they mean home alone? It's only a couple home aloneness is I don't know other than that. What other Christmas movies are there? I mean, Home Alone. There's only a couple. Home Alone is, Home Alone becomes more surreal the further away from the 90s we get. A time of such prosperity and safety. Ah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Especially just because it's like the internet's pointed this out over and over again, but like the house he lives in has got like 35 rooms. Which it's a big house for an American house. For an American in the 90s is a big house. Fucking hell, and that's big. Any American house is a big house of your British. There's so much space over there. Whereas from the American point of view, we're all hobbits and we live in fucking little tunnels. It's very difficult for an American show to convince me of the poverty of the
Starting point is 00:37:05 lead, of the family because they show, they show them in a house and I'll go, Oh, they're fine. They've got the right. They're not even sharing a wall. Yeah. Yeah. This is just a flat and this is like 2,000 pounds a month in London. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like Malcolm in the middle. Yeah. Right. Fast garden, huge rooms. And you go, and this is bad. This is bad. And they go, yeah, very bad. You go, okay. I remember watching. I mean, this is not American, but I remember watching, uh, Belfast, you know, Ken, uh, is it Kenneth Brennan's black and white musical? No, no, no. The, the recent one with the kid, um, it's called, it's called Belfast. Isn't it about, oh Oh, it is Black and White. It is Black and White.
Starting point is 00:37:45 It's not a musical. It's not a musical. No, no, no. It looks like it was for some reason kind of sold as a musical. The trailer sounded, there was always like full of people like about to run down the street and go, Belfast, Belfast. It wasn't a musical. But in it, you know, they're a humble family and they live in a two up, two down sort of
Starting point is 00:38:01 Georgian property. Yeah. And, and I was wondering like going, oh, they're fine. What am I meant to, am I meant to go, what humble people? It's like this is, you would dream of affording this house. In London it'd be subdivided into seven flats. They have an upstairs, they have stairs. And I meant to feel-
Starting point is 00:38:20 The upstairs isn't a different property. Sorry for them, they have stairs. And I meant to go, oh, what a humble, difficult life. Again, this is where I was saying last episode, we live in an era where a robot can write us a custom song and sing it for us. But we're so impressed by like stairs and having your own front door.
Starting point is 00:38:39 It's such a rare pleasure. Christmas, oh yeah, but you haven't chosen a Christmas. Oh yeah, yeah a Christmas. Oh yeah. What other Christmas movies are there? Um, it was a Wonderful Life. Elf is a good one. Elf is a good one. Elf is good. Um, Elf was very popular at my school. Oh yeah. We're from the Will Ferrell era. We're Will Ferrell boys. We're Will Ferrell boys. We're Ferrell fellas. We're Ferrell fellas. We're Ferrell fellas. We're Ferrell for Ferrell. There's no two ways about it. We're Ferrell for Ferrell and it's in our DNA.
Starting point is 00:39:13 That is a good- At some point to find that amusing. What other Christmas comedy films are there? The Holiday, Jesus Christ, a five hour long. Holiday, 17 hour long film. With four endings. It's amazing that a movie can feel like a road dogging a flight to Japan, but it's managed it.
Starting point is 00:39:40 Watching The Holiday on a flight would be like not having a TV on a long flight. It's harder than road dogging the flight. Yeah. Cause at least then I can think my own thoughts. Whereas when I'm watching the holiday, I have to think their thoughts and I hate them so much. Love actually is a fun one. God. And it's such, it's such porn for a certain kind of slightly disappointed Blairite upper middle class person.
Starting point is 00:40:10 I wish we had a prime minister who stood up to George W Bush. Told him to bloody sod off. It's a very cockwamble friendly movie. It's very, oh dear, oh gracious. At a time when most people in the country were going, fuck off you slag. Like it's not, it's not an accurate depiction of anything other than, you know, it's like Notting Hill having no non-white people in. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:36 You know, it's that same thing of it just being like, oh, this is for like the Richard Curtis version of Britain that lives in his head. This is a version of Britain fantasized. Cause he's like, well, this is how everyone is who I meet. Right. They all say, gosh, he's got jolly lovely pins. When for it to be period accurate, this should be like, look at the fucking legs, you know. Fancy a cuppa?
Starting point is 00:40:55 Fancy a cuppa? Oh, I do now after looking at those lovely pins. What year is this? When are we? When are we? Yuck. I think, I disagree with you. I prefer the, what you call the Orkishness horniness to the Tweed horniness.
Starting point is 00:41:10 Cause at least the Orkish British horniness is honest. There is an honesty to it. There is an honesty to it. And I say, yeah, I appreciate it. It's red bloodedness and it's virility. Oh, that, oh, that knew I was going to say that there's a new Christmas movie that's meant to be a massive flop, Red One with The Rock. Red One, have you seen the adverts? No. I think in the story.
Starting point is 00:41:34 Does he have to become Father Christmas? Well, Santa is kidnapped. The Rock plays Santa's... Santa gets his head chopped off in a fucking live league video. The Rock has to become Father Christmas. I mean that doesn't sound far of that. The Rock is Santa's bodyguard in the North Pole. Thank you, pardon? He's Santa's bodyguard, I think.
Starting point is 00:41:56 Okay. In the North Pole. God, society really has fucking declined, hasn't it? And Santa, he's played by J.K. Simmons. Who's that? Keep drumming or I'll punch you in the face. Oh yeah. Oh God, okay. Yeah. And Santa, he's played by JK Simmons. Who's that? Keep drumming or I'll punch you in the face. Oh yeah, oh God, okay.
Starting point is 00:42:08 Yeah, the angriest baldest man. Yeah. Okay, so he's Santa. Get me pictures of Santa Claus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so he's Santa.
Starting point is 00:42:21 I would have thought he can look after himself, but the rock, he gets captured in the rock. What, with magic powers? That's it. And the rock and maybe Chris, one of the Chris's, which Chris is it? Chris Evans, Chris Evans, the one with the very unsettling smile, eyes very close together, close together, eyes, gentle soul, maybe narrow peepers, narrow peepers. And so I think some combination of them to have to save Santa. And I was doing a little radio show at the BBC a couple of weeks ago and I came outside and then I left the building. No, I'm kidding. I left the BBC and walking through the sort of courtyard
Starting point is 00:43:01 thing in front of the BBC and there's a little hubub, a little throng of maybe 12, 16 people in the middle of that courtyard. And as I walked past it, a radio producer I know said, Hey, hey, look, and he whispered something. I went, what? Sorry. And I leant in and said, that's the rock. And I turned around and in the middle of this throng was the rock, Dwayne the rock Johnson wearing a little Santa hat singing Christmas carols with Greg James. What? Yeah. It would, it must have been on Greg James's show or something and promote this movie to promote this movie. He was singing Christmas carols, singing jingle bells with a lyric sheet, which presumably you don't need for jingle bells. I wouldn't have thought so.
Starting point is 00:43:45 But look, he's a busy guy. He's probably not had the time to learn jingle bells. No. And he, and it was the rock. And I was like, wow. And I just stood there kind of watching the rock sing jingle bells again and again and again, surrounded by a few people. But I mean, it wasn't loads of people because obviously people didn't know he was going to be there. And people will glance and go, no, no't quite realize. There must be something boring. Yeah. But turns out it was the rock. It was the rock.
Starting point is 00:44:08 It was the rock in Greg James. Was he tall? No, my main impression was that he was shorter than Greg James. He didn't seem very tall to me. Yeah. And looking back, maybe he wasn't that tall, actually a wrestler. The whole time.
Starting point is 00:44:19 The whole time, he wasn't even that tall. But maybe he's so wide and big now that the illusion is he's shorter. Yeah, that's true. But I was just... How tall is he, Felipe? Yeah. I'm gonna guess... How tall is Christmas Rock? I'm gonna guess... Six or five? You're kidding. I take that back. What kind of crazy angle were you watching this guy sing from? Well, how tall were these fans? More to the point. Yeah, all of the tallest elves in Sandra's workshop. Because he did not strike me as tall, but maybe because, I guess he's six foot five,
Starting point is 00:44:49 but he's so broad now that it kind of counters it. Maybe he was doing a sort of like knee bending, jigging thing. Christmas rhythm keeping. Can I send you the first paragraph of the plot of Red One? Yes. Okay. send it to me. Sending Pierre the plot of Red One. So it's just the first paragraph of Wikipedia. Oh wow, okay. Here's the plot, Phil. This is the plot of Red One, the new Christmas movie.
Starting point is 00:45:18 Moira. Okay. M-O-R-A. Oh right, yeah. Yeah, the Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority. Oh, this is a family movie, is it? Yep. This is for everyone.
Starting point is 00:45:30 I've already checked out. Yeah. Is a clandestine... What? Multilateral military organization. No, oh, I get it, okay. That oversees and protects a secret peace treaty between mythological creatures and humanity. No, no, no, no, enough already. This is like that movie R.I.P. where it stood for like Revenant Institute Police and it
Starting point is 00:45:57 was like Ghost Police. Yeah, they're trying to end Men in Black Christmas. That's what they're doing. They want to make Men in Black Christmas and they're going to make it into a franchise. They want a world, they want a world built. Yeah, yeah are. They want to make a men in black Christmas and they're going to make it into a franchise. Yeah. They want a world, they want a world built. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck me.
Starting point is 00:46:09 So here's the Rock's character name, I think. Callum Drift. That's the Rock. Callum Drift. Callum. Commander of Elf. We love Elf. We love Elf.
Starting point is 00:46:20 We love Christmas. We love Santa Claus. We love Elf. So Elf is enforcement, logistics and fortification. So that's the head of Santa Claus's security detail. Enforcement logistics. Which implies threats to Santa. So at some point the US government has signed a secret treaty with Father Christmas saying
Starting point is 00:46:40 we will subsidize your security because we understand that the social stability of the United States, if not Earth, is very dependent on Christmas. It's world police stuff. It's world police stuff. Yeah, exactly. So it's like saying, OK, Christmas has to happen smoothly. Father Christmas. Has not kept up with modern threats. Father Christmas has like World War II era at best,
Starting point is 00:47:08 military infrastructure. So Father Christmas... Santa's like South Korea basically. Santa's like South... Father Christmas is like South Korea. So they go, okay, look, we will train elves, your elves, in modern special operational forces techniques. Okay. We're going to teach your elves how to breach and clear. We're going to teach your elves hostage rescue. We're going to teach your elves how to snipe and assassinate foreign enemy. We're going to teach your elves how to use small smarms of drones to overwhelm a fortified position. Okay. And in
Starting point is 00:47:41 return, you're going to keep doing Christmas, which you would have done anyway, which begs the question or rather I should say raises the question. What exactly is the CIA getting from Father Christmas in return? A list of everyone who's naughty, perhaps. It goes all the way to the top. Top of the list, Bin Laden. Naughty list. Naughty list. Very bad boy. Big old red cross over that one.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Yeah. And then Bin Laden's there. Red crayon cross. Big red crayon cross. Bin Laden saying that was just 2001 though. And Father Christmas is going to be, I was big enough to carry over though. I think I think it carried over because you never said sorry. And you didn't. That's the least of it. So this has happened. Callum drift. Callum is the head of Santa Claus's security detail, requests to retire after one last Christmas run.
Starting point is 00:48:28 Okay, classic. One Christmas away from retirement, as he has become disillusioned with all the increased naughty behavior in the world. The rocks carry Callum. Callum Drift, yeah. I mean, this illusion with the naughtiness. Yeah, all these goddamn naughty boys and girls, like ISIS and I guess the Janjaweed militia in Sudan.
Starting point is 00:48:49 Very naughty boys. All the phone snatching in London. All of it. All of the naughtiness he's made has made him sad. The Rock. Exemplified by the sheer growth of Santa's naughty list. Oh, okay. So the Rock is like seeing the list every day. Like, fine, look at this.
Starting point is 00:49:06 He's like scrolling through it. You can't even leave coal in the stockings of these militias because they run the coal mines already in there and they don't need more coal. Also like add it to the pile. That's it. Well, they just go, you know how ISIS gets a lot of its funding selling coal.
Starting point is 00:49:21 Yeah, right. Right. They're like, they're already selling oil. Now they're just selling coal as well. You're just empowering them. There's nothing they won't be able to sell for money that you put in their stocking. You should put in their stocking, I don't know, a tracker. GPS tracker. On Christmas Eve, a black ops team breaks into the North Pole complex and kidnaps Santa. Fucking hell. It's a black ops team of unknown enemies, Felipe, presumably.
Starting point is 00:49:50 Well, it carries on. No spoilers. No spoilers. Don't spoil Red One. We're all going to go there, at the Boxing Day Cinema Trip, to go see Red One. Jeez, Louise. But I got to see The Rock in person, thanks to Red One. And it was on. He was such a
Starting point is 00:50:07 big part of my life. You know, when I was ages 10 to 15, he was basically a God to me. I mean, I was a Stone Cold guy more, but if I saw Stone Cold in person, I don't know what I would do. Even now, there are not many people like this. but if I met Stone Cold, I don't know how I would behave. Really? No, I don't know what I would do. This is one of the oddest things about you to me. I love Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Starting point is 00:50:31 I know. I know. This is one of the oddest things. It's like if you still loved Kid Rock as much as you used to. We've discussed this on the podcast before, but you were such a fucking hick when you were a kid. I loved Hillbillies. You were a hillbilly. I loved like rednecks. I was such a well behaved poindexter.
Starting point is 00:50:49 The release was I looked up to rednecks. The idea of smoking and living in a trailer and getting into fights all the time was like ... Of, yeah. Wow. Yeah. And drinking and smashing beer cans together. Yeah, if I've messed up on call, I don't know how I behave,
Starting point is 00:51:06 but the rock, to see the rock was like, why, and I don't know if you've ever met or seen in person someone who was a huge part of your life, a celebrity or, you know, someone, royal family, the queen of fucking, I don't know. And you don't really know how you're supposed to take it in because you feel like, I felt like I owed it myself to stand and look at the rock for as long as possible. Yeah, We get as much of him in your eyes as you can. Because like
Starting point is 00:51:27 this drink up. Yeah, right. Yeah. Cause of course, you know, he's famous to millions of people, but still to me as an individual, he was such a huge part of my teenager. And if I just had to stand and take as much of him in as possible, even past the point where it's enjoyable. Yeah. Cause I mean, he did sing Jingle Bells so many times. Really? Yeah. I don't know if they had to do different takes or something, but I just sat there, stood there watching the rock singing Jingle Bells with sunglasses, disinterestedly. And eventually I realized this is not the rock I knew. This is not the rock I
Starting point is 00:52:01 wanted to meet. He would never have sung this. This is Jingle Bells singing rock, trying to sell a bad movie. And I walked away. But still, you got to see the rocking person. Pretty cool. You got to say that you got to shout at a man singing Christmas carols. The man I loved is dead.
Starting point is 00:52:17 The rock I loved. The rock I loved is past. You are nothing but a shadow. And then turn and walk away as a single tear comes from behind his sunglasses. As jingle bells fades into the distance. On a loop. On a loop. That's weird.
Starting point is 00:52:33 But so cool. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I remember that years ago we saw Nigel Farage in person. Yeah. Just outside King's Cross. Before Brexit.
Starting point is 00:52:41 Before Brexit. But it was like looking at like, it was like a character from a cartoon had become real. That's Cross. Before Brexit. Before Brexit. But it was like looking at like, it was like a character from a cartoon had become real. That's right. It's like the Ben Mary Poppins where they go into the drawing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a big cartoon wolf with his eyes going, but it was real. Fucking space jam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It really was like that. That's what Daffy Duck looks like. He's taller than I thought. Cool. Yeah, really odd. We've Christmased and British High Streeted. Yeah. Way all the way through this. We've got some good Christmas tats and Christmassy shit to go through for the Christmas episode for you guys to enjoy. So I hope you're enjoying
Starting point is 00:53:22 the lead up to these holidays. Hope you have a good holiday season. Happy holidays. Winterville. Bulk. As no one says. Bulk. The Daily Mail's desperate for me to believe that people say Winterville.
Starting point is 00:53:34 Yeah. But they don't. The only people who say Winterville are people who complain about the existence of the word Winterville, which doesn't exist. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, happy Winterville.
Starting point is 00:53:42 Happy Winterville, everyone. Happy Winterville. And... I hope you all get nuclear power in your stockings and no murders. What's that? Oh, from us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No murders.
Starting point is 00:53:54 A big stocking full of uranium. A big landfill and a nuclear reactor in your stocking. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is this our first decolonized Christmas? Decolonized Christmas it is. It is, yeah. Yeah. First Christmas without poo. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Is this our first decolonized Christmas decolonized Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. First Christmas without poo. Amazing. No logs on the fire this year. Leave, leave a setting up a table for poo this Christmas. Hang up a stocking for poo. Yeah. And we'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye. Jingle. Jingle.

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