BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 303 - Josef Pwag

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

Enjoy and KOJI xPierre's Melbourne Comedy Festival 15% off discount code is: KOJIMELBPatreons your PRE-SALE and DISCOUNTED tickets to BUDPOD LIVE are up now on your Patreon feed!Catch Pierre's show 'Must We?' at the Soho Theatre in March 2025! Tickets available now hereWatch Phil's brand new Netflix special 'Wang In There Baby' now!We have brand new BudPod MERCH!!Patreons get 20% discount on all merch!https://visualanticsapparel.com/collections/budpod-podcastDon’t forget to like, subscribe and follow us on socials @budpodofficialKoji xHosted by Phil Wang & Pierre NovellieProduced by Felipe FrancoEdited by Felipe Franco Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Bud Pod listeners this is an emergency communique from Melbourne Comedy Festival there is a promo just for Bud Pod listeners in or near Melbourne for 15% or full price tickets for my show 27th of March to the 2nd of April and the promo code is Koji Melb that's K-O-J-I as in Koji and Melb as in M E L B short for Melbourne. One word, all capital letters, Koji melb. Uh, it's in the description of the podcast as well as a link to the show. G'day. It's Bud Pod 303.

303 me, oh me. Oh my. We, oh we, oh why. It's Bud Pod with Phil and Pierre. You might recognize us from hit quiz show Pointless. Yes, yes. We're the most pointless celebrities. We were on an episode of Pointless Celebrities came out Friday? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. It was a Saturday. Saturday. Yeah. Saturday, Pointless Celebrities on Saturday.

And Pierre and I were a team on Pointless Celebrities. We wore suits, no one else dressed up. No. Very embarrassing. Everyone else was in rags. Rags to riches. I said, I pointed them at say rags. And then I point to us and say to riches. To riches. Yeah. And they them, I'd say rags. And then I'd point to us and say to riches.

Yeah. And they said, does that mean we're going to take your place? And we said, no, you haven't. No, no, you've misunderstood. No, you've intentionally misunderstood. You are wearing rags. We are wearing riches. We filmed that two years ago. A little peek behind the curtain. Two years. Over the last two years, there were periods where every now and then I'd remember doing an episode

of Pointless and it would feel like a sort of stupid dream I'd made up. Yeah, from time to time we text each other and go, has that Pointless come out? And you go, oh, I haven't seen that one. I don't think so. I don't care. It must have presumably just went on 4 PM one day.

From the only proof I had that I'd done it was just your memory. And the only proof you had was my memory. Yeah. Yeah. It was very, very odd. I don't know. They must just have like this fucking vault of pointlesses. They make a lot. They make a lot. Maybe the celebrity ones as well. They tidy away for a while. Yeah. For like to age them or something like a fine wine or for emergencies. It's very unclear. I did notice that my tannins had softened. Sorry, that's too hard. That's too deep. Wine reference. But I look so young in this thing, like my hair was long like I was at university or something. I was struck by how... My skin was gleaming.

Different you looked, yeah. Really different. You looked really different and I'd forgotten how much I was used to you with a mustache now. Yeah, I know. There was too much face going on. There's a lot of face just swirling around. I just thought, Phil doesn't have that much face. It's all anchored with various

lines. I'm now, I'm now Papa. I'm now giving Daddy. But then I was giving boy, only two years, but an important two years, I guess. Yeah, man. We did, we won't spoil it, but we, we, we got a couple of rounds in at the very least. You'll have to watch it on iPlayer now to see how well we truly did. Yes. But a couple of surprisingly relevant topics came up. Yeah. In hindsight, I thought there's no way Glenn, Glenn Moore, sometime over this parish texted me saying, I cannot fucking believe that that came up.

And I was like, I know, I know I shit myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. So Pierre got, Pierre got a subject that was right in his wheelhouse in the end, but he never expected to be in his wheelhouse ever again. No, I was able to answer a question correctly because of a teenage crush I had. Yeah. And the name I'd never heard. I know, but it was the smallest, it was lowest answer on the board. You nailed it. You nailed it. Yeah, so do check that out. It's fun stuff. Yeah, I actually, we can probably just say what it was,

as it means I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, PR actually got some North language stuff. Can you believe that? Incredible. Can you believe that? Incredible. Can you believe that? Nordic words to spell. That would be like if my question was Phil, what is your name? I'd be like, yes! Wait.

It'd be like if the question was, I don't know, like local slang in Kotakina Balu from 2001 to 2008. And you know, just be like, that's for me. That's designed for me. And then for me, Australian pop stars of the noughties. Pretty close to what I just said. Yeah. Who was it?

Delta Goodrum. The beautiful Delta Goodrum. Delta Goodrum is- For some reason married Brian McFadden, but we all know that against her. Goodrum. Beautiful. It's such a dwarf name.

Beautiful, classy, elegant woman. Delta Goodrum, the a dwarf name. Beautiful, classy, elegant woman. Tell the good room, the classiest lady I have ever seen. Beautiful voice. They call her voice of the angel. They call her voice of the angel. Goodrum is a name that Gandalf should shout. Goodrum. Yeah.

It's the thing he says. Brace down your axe. It's the thing he says to open the minds of Moria. Goodrum. Goodrum. Yeah. It's the thing he says. Brace down your axe. It's the thing he says to open the minds of Moria. Goodrum. Goodrum. Yeah. Delta Goodrum, Delph. So do check it out. It's a fun show. We get a couple of laughs in. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. I, um, when Alexander Armstrong, I forgot and I'd done this. He complimented

me on my pocket square and I just said, thanks. It's for snark. Yeah, that was funny. But he was just like confused by it, I think done this. He complimented me on my pocket square and I just said, thanks. It's for snark. Yeah, that was funny. But he was just like confused by it. I think. Yeah. Really strange. I forgot I'd said that. Yeah. When you said that, I realized, oh yeah, we don't, you don't normally see people like us on pointless. I guess. No, it's normally people who say things that are so just down the line, plain crisps that Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osmond really have to work those pumps, man. Yeah. Oh, Alexander Armstrong would be all polite and

wholesome seeming, he is. He's a very nice man. He'll say, so you used to be a civil servant. You were retired civil servants for some reason. I go, yes, yes, yes, but not anymore. No, not anymore. Lovely. So how do you fill your time now? Oh, it's just the garden. Not much really. Not much really, a bit of gardening.

A lot of sitting around. And the guy will go, oh, God, the garden, yes. What, and you just be like, come on, give this guy something, man. Just make it, say archery. Let him say something about archery. That's at least unusual. Fucking hell. But ours is not like that. And I was just full of excitement and fun. Do you watch it? Check it out.

Ours is good. Uh, Oh, yeah. So, Oh, well, first of all, we should say this week we released our first ever Bud Pod classics, installment of all, we should say this week we released our first ever Bud Pod classics. An installment of Bud Pod classics. You'll have got it in your feed. And Bud Pod classics number one is a little snippet from the very first episode where we...

Bud Pod one. Bud Pod one. And it's, it's, Bud Pod classics is all the best original recipe Bud Pod chicken brought back to you. Mm hmm. That's right. Bud Pod classic Mm-hmm. That's right. Bud Pod Classic. Original Coke. That's right. And it will reveal some of the originating instances of now running jokes and catchphrases. Things I'd forgotten.

Yes. And if you have some Bud Pod Classics in mind that you think meet that criteria, let us know. DM the Bud Pod Instagram account, comment on it. You know, we will re we are responsive. We are agile. Just say what you want to hear and we will make Felipe find it. Yes, we will. We will whip him until he finds the moment. We will loosen Felipe's 300 hours of audio. We will loosen Felipe's chains just enough that he can press rewind. We haven't let him near the rewind button yet, but for the sake of your listening pleasure, we will let him touch more buttons. And like this first installment is about when we first started talking about the Louis Line

and things that are cool and uncool. This is episode one. We sound young. My hair sounds long in it. And you know what? I always assumed that, oh, when we started this, we were so full of them and Vega. Listening back, I'm like, we're much better at this now. We're a lot better at this now. I was like, yeah, we have gotten better at this actually. But it's still charming and informative to listen to, so do check it out. It's only about 12 minutes.

Yeah. A nice little slice of classic pie. Now, are you going to show me this thing you warned me about? Yes. I told you before we sat down to record, I was going to show you something that was horrible. Yes. So you know how, um.

She has a very funny thing to be warned about. You know how everything sucks in the UK is poor? Yes. We're a sort of impoverished, frightened country where nothing gets done. I was in a Sainsbury's local yesterday on the way back from the cinema. Okay. And I saw something that shook me to my core and is the most damning indictment of our nation I have ever seen. Have a look at this. This is in Sainsbury's local. Oh no, you're kidding, aren't you? Can you describe to the listener what I'm throwing you there? It's a very stern looking Phil, may I say. And he's standing posing. It's something quite local newspaper about your pose, where it would be like, local teacher outrage to find

pose where it would be like local teacher outrage to find, uh, um, old shotgun shell by climbing frame. And like the teacher will be holding an old shotgun shell, like in his open palm frowning at the camera. Like, did you see this? So you're doing a bit of that. And I'm in a supermarket aisle. You're in a supermarket aisle with all lovely treats behind you. And you are holding in your hands a kind of mad, it's

the kind of box you'd keep a very small Hannibal Lecter in. It's a lock box. It's a lock box, yeah. But I've seen, normally when I've seen a lock box, they're like quite small or there's like a kind of those tags, you know? Like those white tags things that they have on clothes sometimes. Yes, sometimes on big old booze bottles, if it's a big enough supermarket. But just on the neck, right?

Just on the neck. And then someone, a wizard has to come and uncurse it for you to leave the... Release it from its bonds. Well, the Tesco wizards comes and goes, oh, and they release it. But this is like a full plexiglass oblong cube thing,, like a kind of bolted lid on. That's right. So you know, you can't get into this thing. It's for security. It's just a massive rectangle. Yeah. Now, what is in this high security rectangle?

Well, listeners might be thinking bottle of champagne, vodka. Yeah, yeah, yeah. High, high density. Big knife. Could be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. High, high density value. Yep. Big knife could be safety. We've, we've been having depressing big knife lockup conversations in the UK for a long time now. Maybe a big knife. Uh, it's, it's olive oil. It's a bottle of own brand olive oil, olive oil, extra virgin olive oil. I'll give it extra virgin. Give it, give it that. But it does also say, as you say, it's a virgin cause it's in a fucking chastity box.

No dicks go into that oil. Olive oil, not, not fancy olive oil. Sainsbury's own brand. By Sainsbury's it says. By Sainsbury's extra virgin olive oil. It's in a lock box. Look at this, Flippé. It's in a lock box. Look at this, Filipe. It's a big box too.

Have you seen anything more depressing in your life? Like it's a box that's big enough that you couldn't carry it with one hand. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's a big box around it. There's a lot of room for the olive oil to rattle about it. And I'll say that. It's, it's like the box of size of, you know, you go to lonely planet and you'll buy a Heath

ledger joker figurine. It's like 600 pounds. Okay. I guess it's detailed, but it's in a box this size. What does it have? Tubes? Tweez it onto it? What the fuck?

Extra virgin olive oil by Sainsbury's in a lock box because it's 10 pounds. That bottle of olive oil is 10 pounds. Yeah, 10 pounds. Sainsbury's own brand olive oil was more expensive than alcohol. That doesn't make any sense. Yep, 10 pounds for the own brand olive oil and they've had to put it in a lock box.

I want to die. I want lock box. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die now. Okay. Oh God. You believe this. People are getting fucking Klana for olive oil at this point. It's not right.

Was it all locked up like that? Every single bottle was locked up. The Filippo Berrio was locked up next to it. They're all was locked up. All the olive oils were individually locked up. Unbelievable. Why don't they just have like a shop sniper whose job is just to take people out

if they get too close to the fucking oil. What is this? Iraq 2003. But people must have been, were people running out with it? I guess. Is this to do with all the stuff I read in the news and online about olive oil being

like ruined by the mafia? Have you heard about this? I've heard that, I guess, MSM theory that it's just, it's just been some terrible harvests and there's just been no olives. I thought it was, although that too, but apparently it's like, if you take, there's a lot of producers. There's been a scandal in Italy where like producers of extraversion olive oil have been adulterating it with like sunflower oil. Cutting it.

Yeah, Mafia. Whoa. Because it's such a big product. Yeah. If you just cut it by a bit, like on a big enough scale, the margins. Yeah, of course. You know, it's great. Yeah.

And at the end people just go, oh, yes, a very delicate flavor to this. And also like it's blended. No one can tell who cares. And because people associate Italy with olive oil so much, if they make sure the problem is abroad, no one can tell. Whereas maybe some local Italians would be so attuned to. Ah, yes. So maybe that's why it's product of Spain

as well in their picture. Because the Spanish olive oil industry hasn't been caught adulterating its product for years. Yes, Spanish olive oil I think is also very tasty. I think it's very good. But it is 10 quid for a bottle of olive oil industry hasn't been caught adulterating its product for years. Right, yes. Spanish olive oil I think is also very tasty. I think it's very good. But it is, 10 quid for a bottle of olive oil seems psychotic. Yeah, and you know, sometimes I go down to my-

It's a staple. My boutique-like deli shop on my cute little high street here. Little gentrification shop? Little gentrification, you gotta have, you gotta have a gentrification shop. And they have very fancy- They're selling a lot of pate. A lot of pate, a lot of Torres crisps.

They have the Torres crisps. I've had these crisps, they're amazing crisps. You might think I've had Pringles, I've had crisps, but no. These Torres crisps, my God, they're amazing. They have pickle flavor, pickle flavor. They have ham. Ham on Iberico, they call it. Ham on Iberico, they call it. Ham on Iberico.

Pesto orico. That's my favorite clip of him pronouncing. But you get a fancy bottle of a little tin with a spout, so they have fancy Italian olive oil, it'd be like 30 quid. But at this point, if Sainsbury's own brand is 10, I'll triple it for nice. Fuckin hell, man. But like all in boxes like that.

I mean, I found it depressing a couple of years ago when my Tesco started putting like fucking vodka bottle safety tags on just steaks. Oh, just through the meat. Just, yeah, yeah, yeah. People are just eating it. Eating the safety tag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are just eating it. Just eating the safety tag. Yeah, on steaks.

Depressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like in fairness, I did see there was like a lady who was like a, there was a lady and then maybe a guy as well. They were just nicking meat from the Tesco all the time. Yeah. Just like tramps. Yeah, right.

But they'd be like dogs in a cartoon with all sausages coming out of their mouth, running out, where like guy, security guard goes, hey, and shakes his fist. They'd have like a chicken under each arm, like fucking Robin Hood. Yeah, I didn't realize until recently that- I just think, where are they cooking these?

Shoplifting in UK is basically legal. Theft is legal in the UK in general. Burglary, bike theft, shoplifting. There's none of the prosecution rates are above like 1%. If 99 in a hundred chance of getting away with it, why wouldn't you? I was in town Saturday walking around to shops and I walked into one shop and I just,

and you know, the staff will look over. Yeah. And go, we'll get back to work. They'll go, oh no, a thief. Wow, let's put a damper on my mood. Anyway, back to wearing a beanie indoors, I guess. They're all dressed like vigilante security, you know, like some Gotham. They're all undercover.

Or like they all look like they work at the docks. Oh yeah. Beanies make people look tough, man. You think? I think so. I think beanies are, that's like a working man's hat. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a, like a Steve Duhor. A bit cozy though. It's a bit cozy of a piece of headwear to make someone look tough. Maybe, but maybe it's the toughest, coziest headwear.

Ah, this is our new. Least tough. Nightcap. This is our new segment. Yeah. Yeah. Least tough. Wee Willie Winky nightcap. That makes someone look cozycap segment. Yeah. Yeah. At least tough. We Willy Winky nightcap. That makes someone look cozy and weak. Yeah. A little bubble on the end. Oh, you know what is the coziest, but also most cozy and intimidating gray tracky bottoms. Yeah. And balaclavas. Right. Very cozy on the face. Yeah. It's for terrorists and bank robbers. Yeah. There you go. But the shoplifting thing, apparently it's endemic.

Is it the shoplifting epidemic in the UK? I've seen a lot more of it. And these guys are stealing like iPhones and Appleswores. They're just taking the whole table. You know where the phones are just stuck into the rods. Supermarket sweep. Yeah, they're just taking the whole thing. I think can those phones be worth that much? Those are like the display phones. They're all covered in shit and greasy. 500 quid. Yeah. To be honest, there's a sick part of me that kind of,

I'm almost amazed it's taken this long. Cause when I was younger, I would always think to myself, this is how I can tell that like the UK is a rich country because there's so much stuff just in the open and I'd always just think, well, these guys, like, I don't know. Like if I was like a really like struggling, poor tramp living on the streets in the UK, I'd look around and be like, if you could just run slightly fast, you can kind of have whatever you want. Like there's just nothing in place to stop it from happening.

And in hindsight, I was just predicting something that's just begun now. Some kind of weird awareness has come over people where they go, I can just have that. And I'm in a position where like the iPhone I'm nicking, right? From the shop. That's recommended retail prices, what 1200? I could fence that for 600 easily to any number of the openly selling stolen goods shops on the high street. 600 quid is a lot of money if you've in that position. And then there's all these new like refurb businesses. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the guy who knows where those phones are. Well, you can still track them because the track is still functions because it's something to do with the serial number within the phone. So that's why all these people on Twitter who post about

their stolen phone. It's like, it's always just like West Africa or China. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Most, I think I've read read, I was reading about it. I think a quarter of stolen phones stay in the UK. Yeah. The vast majority. They just go abroad. Which seems crazy, but then you just think, yeah, that's probably the best way to do it. They're going to China, going back home, going back to where they were born. They're like eagles or some migratory bird. They just, they need to be in Shenzhen province. It's beautiful.

If you visit China, the return of the iPhones just over here, they come back, they come back to these marshlands, you know. No one knows where they spawn, but you can watch. You can't, they've, people have tried to figure out where they breed. No one knows. Some people think it's the Sa guess I see you, but. Yeah. All the best scientists, they're trying to figure out where the iPhones come from.

They've just followed the trail through China. And as they get close to the province with all the Uyghurs in, so they just can't get any further for some reason. So it's a mystery, a big mystery. Who knows? Yeah. It's crazy though. Cause then you just go, well, yeah, the incentives

here are so massive, but that's what always made South Africa and continues to make South Africa so dangerous or full of crime is that the inequality is such that the amount of money from even a minor crime is such a boost. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's just classic, um, cost benefit analysis, isn't it? I mean, if the cost is nothing anymore because you can't be prosecuted. And even if you get prosecuted, you won't get a jail. There's no room. So like, if they're busy letting out people who are like on their third murder, and they're

just like, you better fool me, fool me thrice, you know, then you like Jimmy steak thief is not going to be going to prison. This is my spicy, my easy spicy take for the general public. I don't think the government should have admitted there was no room in prison. I think they should have, why did they tell everyone? They should have quietly let out people to make space. But don't go around saying, oh, by the way guys, literally rammed in there. We can't get anyone else.

So please don't commit crimes because we cannot put you anywhere. Okay. You will not go to jail because there are no jails anymore. Yeah. The government today admitted that nothing in airport security does anything and none of the guns are loaded. Anyway, next up in the news, just a terrible idea. The government today admitted that if you figure out the right combination of

numbers and ATM will just give you whatever you want. Anyway, good luck everyone. Hear the numbers, good night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ATMs can be hacked by putting human blood through the slot. And money will just come out if enough human blood is put into the ATM. Anyway, the Commonwealth games began. I'm like four more'm the only person I know who's for more government secrets. I want them to keep, I don't want to know. Keep more secrets. It's not good for us to know this. You're the anti, who's the guy who's...

Snowden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm anti Snowden. I'm like more secrets, please. I'm going around keeping secrets for the government. They're like, who is this whistle stuffer? Who is this whistle stuffer? Who is this mysterious whistle silencer? There's some kind of whistle muffler out here.

It's very, Phil Wang was a comedian, but of course, a very controversial whistle muffler. He would hang around on trains that go to and from Whitehall in case any civil servants left a big laptop full of secrets. Yeah. He'd take it, he'd shred it. Not even they are allowed to know it anymore. You ever seen a MacBook Air go through a shredder? It's incredible. Phil's just going around revoking access to things on behalf of other people. He's going, you shouldn't look at that. You shouldn't look at that anymore. You don't have that anymore.

That's really funny. I'm just tearing up freedom of information requests on route to wherever they go. Lost in the post. That's so funny. Yeah, it is true. In hindsight, maybe admitting that it's almost impossible to be sent to prison, just kind of confirmed something that people already kind of knew in their water. You could sense it from your everyday life, but you don't come out and admit it to everyone. There's no room in prison left. Yeah. Maybe up until that point, it was only the very boldest kind of casual thieves who just thought I can kind of do whatever the fuck I want. I think I can do whatever I want.

The most I've ever seen the police on it is always like weird shit. I can't quite make sense of their priorities. Well, they're pretty on it. I would say with terrorism, it seems relative. That's how many attacks must like they must just be thwarting and you never find out. Weak or something. The amount of lunatics out there. I like the London bridge attacks, you know, which they responded to in a, you know, there's eight minutes from the first shot fired eight minutes. Yeah. Terrorist killed, you know, which they responded to in eight, you know, it was eight minutes from the first shot fired. Eight minutes. Yeah. The terrorist killed, which is, you know, you're like, Oh yeah. Well, could you catch this

guy who stole my house? He picked up the house and he ran away with it. And they're like, a bit Snowdon. And they go, did he do it on behalf of a kind of weird belief system? They go, no. And they go, either. We should just say that like people steal phones because they believe in violent anarchism. Make it a terrorism. Invent a belief system called phone thiefism. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They all know each other. They're all in the same club and they steal phones to please Satan or Karl Marx or something.

I don't know. Just something. Cause then they do it. What they need to do something in the police is there needs to be a nice big juicy bust at the end of it. They need photos of a, they love photos of a bus, but there was one of phones. I was like, this is what they need to really get into something. They need to have a big old bus. But there was a guy who... And photos of all these phones wrapped in cling film. Yeah. To be resolved.

No, to Faraday, Boston, to stop them, to block their signals going in and out. To fall hats, basically, for phones. But that's what you... I mean, like, there was someone else was saying like, oh yeah, I tracked my phone to this house and the police were like, yeah, there's like a thousand stolen phones. Something to do with that address. Anyway, kind of weird break in there. There's a thousand. You could take a picture with a thousand phones. It's pretty cool. Yeah. Isn't that good PR? Yeah. Maybe it's just boring to retrieve stolen phones, I guess. And bikes

was just boring. That's like, that's not what I joined for. I bought a big old bus. Isn't it? Surely you can pull this door. I'd love to do that. Fucking with the dog. The dogs fucking sick. They're down. They're really on it when it comes to like people drinking in the road near a football game. There's a legions of them around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are presence of football games. Yeah, and you sort of think, is this easier? But then when all those hooligans broke into the Euros final or England v Germany,

the police were just like, oh, there's loads of them. Oh, well. This, we never foresaw this coming. Yeah, who knew the hooligans? But it's that thing, if the trouble is now that it's kind of like leeching through to the public mind that if there's enough of you, the police can't do anything. I mean, we're kind of exacerbating this.

We're part of the problem here. We're talking on one of the country's most popular podcasts. One of the popular countries leading anti-murder podcast. The top, I would say, on the anti-murder charts. Yeah. Another week running. Thank you guys for keeping us there. Thank you guys. And we are out here saying you can do it. It's effectively legal. It's true. So maybe we, we, maybe we should. Once it's come to the attention of observational comedians though, it's kind of the game's over. The game's up. What we've noticed, this is our job to notice. But we're also the centrist ads for comedians.

So it is the kind of thing we would notice. It is, exactly. The deterioration of the social order is the kind of thing we would notice first. We are canaries in the coal mine in that sense. Any fraying of the fabric of the social order we'll be tutting about and feeling with our two fingers going like this.

Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Moths. Did someone rub up against this? Is this way and tear? Where's the warranty? That's what we're doing. Well, speaking of the breakdown of the social order, we should probably read some correspondence.

Yes. Letters, emails, phone numbers, documents, your sister, or master, I feel, to whom I'm giving letters. Correspondence. This is from Fernando. Oh, um, Fernando, um, what's the episode? Fernando. Shit. Fernando, my Mando.

Your Mando. It's good. Yeah. Mando. Yeah. Hi, Pedro e Pum. Pedro e Pum? Yeah.

What does that mean? Is it Portuguese? Pedro e Pum. What's a mean? Is it Portuguese? Pedro a pom. What a pom. I like a pom. I want to be pom. You want to be a pom? A pom is a... Pedro a pom is what they call Timon and Pumbaa in Portugal. Pedro a pom. It's a vagina, isn't it? Oh, are we penis and vagina?

Maybe. Well, pom is Caribbean slang. Yeah. Yeah. But I feel... Pomo means fart. Pedro... Pedro in Spanish means fart. Okay. Pedro is a slang. Yeah, yeah, but I feel. Pum means fart. Pedro in Spanish means fart. Okay, Pedro is a fart. A pum. Okay, fart and fart. Fart and fart.

Okay. The Portuguese have a hundred words for fart. For farts. Because it's so important to their culture. It's very, it's like the Inuit. They, I mean, you could. It's certainly the sort of thing English would do as a language.

Anyway, Fernando says, Fernando Hablamos. Hablamos? Hablanos, speaks to us. Oh, okay. I finally finished listening to all 301 episodes of Bud Pod. Physicians do not recommend. Medicos no recomendar. I'm making it up.

I learned about you guys from the Nobody Panic crossover app. Oh, that was good fun. Yeah. I started about a month ago when I was sick with the flu just before Christmas. I had that flu. It was bad. It was like going through Christmas, I had that flu, it was bad. It was like going through time, particularly the COVID references, lockdowns, rules, the UK election, the US election. It was fun, but holy shit, it took a while to get through and I hope to never do it again.

Well, see now this is a healthy attitude to have. That's a healthy attitude. There are people who have done this, Fernando, three times. Yeah, and I do like- And are going for a fourth. Yeah, and I do like it when people message in about how much the pre-COVID episodes is like this horror movie.

We're always talking about all our hopes and dreams. And then all the listeners feel like Walter White and that GIF hammering on the window. No! They just can't warn us. It's really funny. Praise. I like your podcast and bought tickets

to see Pierre in the Soho club. Soho theater. That run is coming up, baby. Nice. Come and see it. Also, I should say for the Aussie listeners, and we do have a good brace of Aussies listening, and I will be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in March and April. It's Pierre's Melbourne debut.

It's my debut. My debo. Debo. I'm having my Melbo, comma, festo Debo. So please come and watch my show. It turns out we have similar experiences in many aspects. And I suspect that Pierre might be me from a parallel universe.

I'm also a tall and chunky lad. The horrible eating habits, weight lifting and probable autism. Yes, there habits, weightlifting and probable autism. Yes, there you go. A brother in arms. This kind of leads me to a story. I was disappointed I didn't have any poo stories, but luckily because of decolonization,

this one will have a chance. Yes, absolutely. As my name implies, I'm not a native born UK citizen, but rather from the land across the pond from Pierre's place of birth. Oh. South America. Yes. Ah, that's a big pond. That's even a bigger pond. Even though you mentioned in an episode, the UK barely has any Latin Americans, I will have to dispute that fact. There are dozens of us. Dozens. Mostly Brazilians and Colombians.

I have noticed in the last two years, a lot more South Americans in London. Where I live, there's two different Colombian restaurants and then now a Brazilian one, and they're always rammed. And the crowd inside looks like it's been organized by the tourism board for those countries. It's like tanned, sexy people dancing constantly. From time to time, a South American pop star will come and do the O2 and they're playing like reggaeton. Yeah. And I've played gasoline.

Yeah. And it's like genres you've never heard of in life and they'll be packed, sold out for months. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so much, there's so many like, I think Colombian and Ecuadorian flags on my road now as well.

So it's definitely increasing. But I've met people from many different South American countries around. One day I was riding a very busy tube train on a cold winter day. I was coming back from the Prince of Wales Theater to my place in South London. So a chunk of the journey was through the touristy bits.

Oh yeah. Central London. I noticed that a group of my countrymen, I assume tourists, were chatting loudly in Portuguese nearby. I dutifully ignored it and continued to scroll on my phone. Good Londoner. That's right. Londoner Verdad, a true Londoner.

Again, I'm guessing. When I got to my station, I stood up and headed to the doors. They rushed towards the empty seats and the guy who took my seat said in Portuguese, ah, nice, that fatty left the seat warm and cozy for me. Fucking hell. Fuck me. That fatty.

Ah nice. That fatty. Ah nice. Ah nice. That fatty left the seat warm and cosy. Jesus Christ. What are the odds that the one person you loudly call a fatty can speak Portuguese? Can speak fluent Portuguese.

But in central London, the odds are like one in three. I guess it's better than most places. It's such an unwise place to try and get away with. Like unless you're, like I've heard stories of central London people in tube carriages just suddenly being chatted to in Irish Gaelic. So like Portuguese, you've, you're screwed. You better be speaking like an Albanian dialect. And even then. Nice. Nice. That fatty left the seat warm and cozy for me. It's a sentence from a fucking comic book strip.

So there's something whiz about it. This is a jolly good. It's also cause in the Beano for a while, me and George, four acres from your sketch group, we would laugh, crying with laughter over just remembering that there was a character in the Beano just called Fatty. He's just like a fat boy and they all called him fatty and he called himself fatty. And all his character ever did was eat loads of food. Just the most fucking rude one. In Viz they have the fat slacks. The fat slacks. The character is called the fat slacks.

At least Viz is trying to be offensive. Whereas the Bina was for children. And the Bash Street kids were a gang of children, one of whom was obese. And they go, come on fatty, there'd be loads of pies there for you. And then instead of being like, oh, shut up, man, fatty would be like, pies, yum yum. And like scoot off to wherever they would go. He's like, Jesus Christ, this is pretty down the line. Fucking hell, anyway. I think these tourists were under the same impression as you guys.

I think differently to other nationalities, we don't have a unique look, Brazilians. There's such a span of looks. Yeah, it's all over the place. Brazil's very diverse. Similar to some post-colonial countries, we have people that descend from many different ethnicities. Did you know that Kim Jong-un traveled to Disneyland as a kid on a fake Brazilian passport

as Joseph Pwag? So a German first name, and I don't know what Pwag is. Pwag. P-W-A-G. Pwag? Is that Filipino maybe? I've never heard of Pwag in all my days and all my travels have never heard of Pwag. Hello, my name is Joseph Pwag.

I, Histoire de Brazil. I'd like to go on your roller coasters, your Japanese roller coasters please. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, whole country. You'd be like, wow, they even have parades for their dictator, Mickey. It's the same, but they have way more churros for sale. That's just much better organized. The electricity stays on all night here in Disneyland. Joseph Pwag. Well, I thought of telling them to go fuck themselves or just ignore them,

but I decided to reply, de nada. Oh no, that's not brutal. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Well done. That's perfect response. I still remember the shock on their faces. I sure hope I ruined their trip and made them extremely uncomfortable. Thanks and keep on Kojiing it, Fernando. Fucking hell, well played, Fernando.

Well played. I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe, Guillermo. That is Fernando, right? No, you think that's a different one, isn't it? No, but that's Lady Gaga. But it is Fernando in that song. Is it? I'm not your babe. I'm not your babe. Fernando. Yeah, I think it's Fernando. I'm not Gaga literate enough. Ah, nice that fatty left the seat. Nice and cozy for enough. Ah, nice that fatty left the seat nice and cozy for me.

Ah, nice. This same scenario happened on the Isle of Man with Afrikaans. Oh, with you? No, with a friend of ours. But there's so many South Africans on the Isle of Man. There's someone on the bus, like two new arrivals from South Africa on the bus. We're talking in Afrikaans to each other about how smelly someone was or how fat they were,

or being really fucking rude about someone. And a family friend of ours was sat right behind them and just leaned forward and put his head between the two of them. And he's like a big frightening guy, and these were both young guys as well. And he just said in Afrikaans, you have to be careful, you never know who's listening.

And they fucking shot themselves and they're silent for the whole rest of the journey. Perfect. Great. How stupid. What was his journey? A bus on the Isle of Man. Oh, the Isle of Man. No, I'm saying on the Isle of Man, there's so many South Africans. We were some of the first. Yeah. But by the time these two fuckwits arrived, they were like hundreds. Should easily have known better. Overconfidence. Yeah. But yeah. Have you ever managed to do that with Malay or a bit of Chinese?

I often hear, I think mostly Indonesians around London speaking Malay and overhear them but they never say anything rude. You never hear like a three Indonesian tourists going that guy's hated him on Taskmaster. No, no, never. Oh, it's a shame. Do they think, do you think it's on TV and like Indonesia? Taskmaster. Probably. I don't think so. Probably not. That's a big population. I feel like I would have heard of that by now. Yeah. It could be huge. It's not really Southeast Asian. That kind of banterous thing is not really Southeast Asian.

But it's pretty close to like Japanese. I was just thinking it should be big in Japan. Taskmaster in Japan should be huge. It would be like a sort of reverse crazy game show. I think most people would just go, well, this is just my workplace. Have a terrifying, forced to do unreasonable things. A guy in a suit just stands there silently while watching me struggle with my tasks. Watching me thumb scrambled eggs into a polo mint for productivity.

Because that's the one weird product. That's the one thing that we're just like artisanally perfect at, just like hundreds of years, really great. Really great at suddenly building a bookcase out of ham or whatever the fuck. Some kind of crazy, bloody hell. Well, good for you, Fernando. Good for you for destroying the feeling of an anonymity

in an overconfident, rude person. Yes, yes, yes. In the neatest possible way, the classiest possible way. And for representing the multiculturalism of our wonderful city. Yes. I think something that happens when you go abroad, you are fooled into thinking you are more unique than, more foreign than you actually are. Especially if you go to like modern city. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The idea of there being no one like you in a big city is actually quite rural. It's quite parochial. Yeah. Whereas like London is you think, come on guys, central London. You think you can get away with this? Yeah. You hillbillies.

Ah, nice. Especially when the, there's Portuguese, Portugal next door. The odds are even higher. Yeah, it's not far guys. It's not far. So Portugal is like, historically, it's like fucking Mediterranean island, the amount of people it sends abroad. Portuguese are everywhere. Alejandro is a song. Alejandro.

Yeah. Alejandro, I'm not your babe. I'm not your babe forever. What's Alejandro's equivalent in Portuguese? Do we know? It'd be like. Alejandro. Alejandro.

Alejandro. Yeah, that's it, yeah. There'll be some kind of ow coming in there. Yeow. Yeow. The Portuguese. It's yeow. Yeow. The Portuguese are always stubbing their toes. Jow. Jow, the drealy dirt.

This... Alexandre? Keeps you guessing Portuguese. It's Russian-Spanish. It is Russian-Spanish. It sounds Russian. I like it though. I like how it's spelled. I do like the Dow. Yeah. Yeah. I do like those sounds. It's the Christopher Walken of Latin Magnetism. Yeah. Bon dia. We're going to check out Pardo. Drink a little trip down the Duro. Shout out to Winewill if you're listening.

The O sounds in Portuguese. He would definitely enjoy that. Okay, well, look, come see me in Soho theater and then the day after my Soho theater run ends, I'm flying to fucking Melbourne. The day after. Wow. No rest for the wicked.

Wow. Wow. He's really performing his show. It's like a fucking talk show. Oh yeah. Yeah. Melbo. Melbo. Oh God. Do Schwarzenegger. This is the era of impressions we're dealing with here. Yeah. Walking in Schwarzenegger. Fucking hell. Yeah. So come and see me. And also if you haven't read my book yet, please pre-order the paperback for people who like to crunch their books up and fold them and for them to not weigh half a kilogram. That's coming out in March as well. That's the big month guys. March, March, Melbourne, March, Soho theater, March paperback.

And we'll see Patrons on Friday. Much love. Bye bye.