BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 304 - Male Archetypes

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

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It's Bud Pod 304. 304. B.O. whore. Ooh. But the body, we're the body odor whores. Are we? I don't know.

I had a B.O. whore. What's a B.O. whore? A B.O. whore would be someone who loves B.O. so much that if someone smells of body odor, they'll just like do whatever they say. Okay. Yeah. You know, like an attention whore. Anything for a bit of yeah, okay. Yeah. Sure. Like an attention whore. Anything for a bit of BO. Yeah. Well, like an attention whore, yeah.

You ever get it, when I was a member being a kid and finding my own unpleasant smells, quite addictive. Like you're getting your armpit, it's very boy thing in here. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I need, but you can't, you're like, oh yeah. You know? Yeah. Cause you, there's some something about the chemical change going on. Yeah. It's kind of like when you're smelling glue or petrol, you're like, I know that's not good, but it feels kind of good. Yeah. Accurate kind of.

I often think about how fucking horrifying, like how much body horror like in horror movies or in books and stuff is just a metaphor for puberty and how horrifying it is. Oh yeah. Changing bodies, bodies ripping apart. Cause like, oh yeah. Some other transformation stuff. Yeah. This stuff that like, like hair bursts out of you and like your bones change shape. Like it's horrifying. And the idea that it's done by like your blood just becoming different and it's invisible. Everything about it is horrifying.

Your blood becomes different. Your blood becomes different. And now your whole body will go like crack. I'm going to sit my children down when they reach 13. They're going to say, now son, come upon in every young man's life when his blood becomes different. Your blood is about to become very different. OK, and it's going to make you and I know how this sounds, insane for at least five

years. For the next five years, during which you will be doing all of the most stressful learning and exams in your life, you will also be insane and greasy. You'll be greasy, physically transforming into awkward shapes at exactly the point in time you start to notice your own appearance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At this time where you're developing your sense of self, you're going to be changing and bad. It's like, it's permanent and good. It's like if Adam and Eve found the apple just when all the leaves died. So Adam and Eve eat the apple, they become aware of the shame and they've suddenly got no fig leaves. Fuck! That's what it's going to feel like.

They only ate the apple when they were both, yeah, old. They ate it in winter and all the trees were bare. And they were freezing cold suddenly. Yeah. It's a good thing Adam and Eve were embarrassed, but they're both ripped in every painting I see. They've got nothing to be ashamed of. Yeah, I wouldn't be so shy if I were them. They should eat the apple and go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Like a big leaf man. I'd like that. What is a green man thing? It's an English figure, the green man in leaves. Yeah, it's like a folklore thing. He lives in the woods.

Oh, so he's a real guy. It's a thing, yeah. Okay. Yeah, the green man. Fair enough. You see him on church pew ends, sometimes carved into wood. Pops up here and there, the green man. Yeah.

It's quite a cool Pagani feeling. And he's off sometimes the ghost of Christmas present is kind of depicted as a green man. Yeah. There's something about brewing and hops and sort of leaves and bounty and yeah, it's all very Dionysus. It's something like that. Well, recently you went to green man Pierre, but a white man, even more so than usual because you went skiing. I did. I went to Les Gets, which is where you went. I went last year. Yeah, you went last year and this year I was lucky enough to go to Les Gets. Everyone, if you want to Google it, it's spelled Les Gets. As in let's get some skiing done. Yeah, let's get, let's get, let's get going.

Um, it's, it's in France and, uh, it was great fun. They have a comedy festival there. This year, Phil, different to your year, the first four days or something of the comedy festival were, was French solo shows. Oh, interesting. So each night was like, you know, Marcel Le Poupou, he comes and does his award-winning, what's the French equivalent of Edinburgh, his award-winning, um, Lyon, Lyon, Lyon Fringe show, Frange de Lyon show, um, about whatever. Yeah. And then the next night it's,

you know, whoever. You know, you know, it's going well if you lean your ear to the door of the show and you hear, just cigarette smoke coming under the door, like dry ice. Yeah. So every night it was like some actually seemingly quite well-known comedians coming in from Paris. Yeah. Paris to wow the majority French people, I guess. And then on the final night, a bunch of English speaking weirdos were invited to come do their dance for the English speaking people. And it was very, very good fun. I will say this, which we were surprised by. One of the acts was Catherine Beauxhart,

who is English speaking but Irish. Also Irish speaking. Oh, wow. Yeah. I didn't know that she spoke. A lot of Irish people. Yeah, that must have turned out for Catherine, because I don't remember any Irish turning up for us.

On the slopes, I mean. Yeah. Skiing. Don't get me wrong. There was an Irish pub in the ski town. Yeah. Staffed entirely by local French people. Serving 50 centilitres of Guinness.

What a disgusting measure of Guinness. Come on. 50 cl of Guinness. Like it's an injection. First we have to fill it to 35 cl, and you will let 35 sit for a bit, you haven't had the 35 sit. I was, ugh.

I think I finished off the last 15 cL. I felt like Farage. I want a pint. Yeah. There with my big frog face, flapping around. Farage arguing for an Irish drink. Yeah. Flapping around. Farage arguing for an Irish drink. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a traditional English drink. Just completely ignoring all the Irish heritage of Guinness. Just going full in on it. But I don't remember any Irish when we were there. We'd be on the fucking ski slopes on the little horrifying chair thing up the hill. Oh yeah, the ski lift. Terrifying.

Yeah, really. You're just dangling. Dangling above various crevasses. And there'd be all these Irish brogues being heard. Ah, echoing across the house. Yeah, sure. Once you have a tartiflette. So someone said, yeah. And I just like, to the point where, like after, after the first 10, I was like, am I, is this a coincidence? Is this one big group? But I've like 30 Irish people I'd heard. That's

my answer. I got to the point where I said to Catherine, Catherine, you're Irish. What's, what's happening here? Ah, is this place famous in Ireland? What's happening? What did she say? She said, I don't know. She said, maybe Leger did some big ad campaign in Dublin. And like all the rich Irish people who fucking work for Google, who decided to do this.

But they were all like regular, they all very, you know. I will go on one black run. Come on, you'll go on one black run. The Guinness run, they call it. To run. The Guinness run they call it. To them it's Guinness run. That's the hardest one. That's the most respect. Yeah, and they, it just, it was so odd to me.

Because it's not an accent I associate with winter sports. No, not at all. I mean, nor is an English accent to be fair. But you associate like a posh English accent with it because it's a posh holiday. Exactly. Here's the other thing I heard on the slopes. Black country. Yes, I think I remember a lot of black.

Yes, I think I remember a lot of black. That's even less of a skiing noise than the fucking Irish. I thought it would be wall to wall aristocrats if you spoke English and everyone else would just be, you know, French, Austrian, German, Swiss, you know, you're just European, whatever. No, there's like these six guys in like blokes, I would say, not just guys, Phil. Wow. Blokes. Grown up lads. Exactly. Yeah. Six black country blokes. Haven't it shat about snowboarding and skiing on top of a slope?

Yeah. Have you got a boot laceice so I can tour these on? I was like, what the fuck? You're not supposed to be here. What are they going to come hunt? You're going to get a rifle and shoot you away. They hear you. Even if the French have any comprehension of what that accent means, they can't hear the difference to French.

Yeah. I was just going to say, do you think the French is here? English? They can't hear it. My, my, my, um, fiance used to live in France and she'd maybe, I think she lived with a girl from Glasgow, but with like a Glaswegian accent, so thick that she couldn't understand her English sometimes. And the French were like, you sounds, you sounds the same. They generally couldn't hear it. Yeah. Even in,

in French, when they spoke in French, they're like, yes, he just hears that you are from maybe from Britain. What's was I've never differentiated between any French, when they spoke in French, they're like, yes, he just hears that you are maybe from Britain. Well, I suppose I've never differentiated between any French accents and they must have accents. You can hear though, I think. Yeah, but I guess you learned some French. I did some French, yeah. I got to practice my French.

Yes, how exciting, how fun. That's why it's fun. Always very confusing to tell them, my name is Pierre. You see them for a second go, what? Okay. My name is Pierre. My French is good, but not as good as Pierre would suggest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't judge my French by this name. What would the French equivalent be? Being called Barry. Right. Yeah. Stanley. There are lots of French Kevins. Are there? That doesn't sound right at all. I know. There's an interesting article on the BBC news website. It's from a while ago,

but it's about how there was some TV show or something that was really popular in France and a bunch of French people named their kid Kevin. But it was like... We need to talk about Kevin, the movie about... Yeah, they loved it. In France, by the standards of French cinema, that's like a comedy. They saw John C. Reilly was in it and they were like, yes, you're very funny. The, uh, uh, and so like a bunch of people got called Kevin, but it was like a soap opera or something. Okay. So like the kids who got called Kevin were like not posh kids. Oh, right. Right. Right know, so it became like a name of like a, like a, like a bloke, like a plumber or like a, like a naughty kid or whatever. So

it was this whole thing about like, Oh, Kevin, you know, so there's a foreign country has got this whole ecosystem around a name that I guess is from Scotland. But what's the equivalent? I would, I don't know if I'd be that freaked out by a French person called Barry. Barry kind of works. Barry's pretty. A Frenchman called Ian. Ian Smith. But do you go Guillaume? Guillaume. Yeah. Well, we were there with Ian Smith. Oh yes, of course. Another foreign comedian. And Ian, he had a lot of trouble with, they just call him Jan. Yeah, right. Which should be fair is the same name. Jan, John. John. Yeah. It's all John baby. Yeah. It's John's all the way down. Yeah. So he would say Ian and they'd go,

and like they couldn't spell it obviously, cause Which I liked. Atlanta, mid air of German confidence. Yeah. So Ian would be a strange name for a French person to have. Jen. Gemma. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. Especially if they made sure to say Gemma, not Gemma. Exactly. Gemma. Gemma. What? Yeah. That's good. And funnily enough, Chantel, I reckon if I met a Frenchman called Chantel, I'd be like, no, that's actually an English name. That sounds French. That's come back. Yeah. Agatha is a French name. Sometimes. Yeah. That's like old lady names and stuff. Now, how much cheese did you eat Pierre? Fucking hell. Because I don't eat much cheese and I eat a lot of cheese.

I finished the fondue. I was scraping the fondue. I was just like drinking it. Another round! I said. Another round, another pot of foaming cheese. Make it stinkier. Stinkier!

I said. What were you dipping in it? Just lumps of bread. Lumps of bread. And there was like a charcuterie board that came with it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Lumps of bread.

Raclette? Yeah. That's the one, the wedge of cheese. It was a mixture. When we were there, we got raclette. It was just like a big, like just a big hunk of cheese. Hunk! Like half of the circle of cheese. Yeah.

And they give you a stand and a heat lamp, and they go, we'll leave this to you. Whatever happens, no questions asked. Maybe you come back, maybe there's some left, maybe it's gone. No questions. And then you just place a lamp against the cheese, and it just plop, plop, plop, plop.

Oh, don't do that. It's horrible. Scrape it off. Yeah. We didn't do that. This was Swiss fondue in a pot with a little Nuna under it keeping it warm. Beautiful. There's a mixture of cheeses, but I would get the bread and I would coat it all the

way around. Like I was coloring something in a factory. Like you were a chef in a lint advert. Exactly. I was the cheese, the lint cheeseteer. Yeah. Fromageur. Fromageur. Fromage tear. Yeah. From our hotel from, from our, from our GAPA. I was, uh, I was coating it.

I wasn't just dipping the bread in on the long fork and going, I'm sure that's enough cheese for this piece of bread. I didn't want to see bread. The staff were looking at him, looking up here and going, he is not a diurnal, he is an artist. We did not know that you were a gourmand So much fucking cheese, I'm such a fan of tartiflette Which one is this again the tartiflette potatoes onions and little bits of bacon in a sort of bake. Oh

Yes, that is like the staple food. It's like the skiing food. Oh, it is good. But like two spoonfuls and I'm done. I had a tartiflette and a half. That's so much. It's so much and bread with it. Jesus Christ. I went mental. I went mental. Yeah. I haven't chatted since. I'm just like a tube of Primula. What's Primula? It's a squeezy cheese like toothpaste. Yeah. Right.

If you squeeze beer, he bleeds trees. Yeah, that generally was it. Thank God I actually did do some skiing. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's kind of stealth exercise. At the time you feel, I'm just trying to stay standing up. And then at the end you're like, when you get back down, I'm fucking exhausted.

Everything's burning. You're like, you're basically planking on the mountain for five hours. I, or when you're on the flat and you have to like drag yourself to the lift. The lift is just over there and it's just like, it's like dragging your whole weight and the weight of the shoes and the skis with your,

like, your shoulders. But when you get the little glide going, you feel like a bird. Yeah. A boyed. Did you get an instructor? We got a, we paid for some lessons. I only needed a couple of days, Phil.

Well done. And then I was away. Wow. Risking my life on the slopes and the crevasses. It is stealth exercise. I think of basketball as stealth exercise. Really? That's quite obvious exercise to me.

To me as a kid, it was so much about just like chasing the ball and trying to get it in the thing that like I'd forget that I was basically just doing the bleep test. Yeah. I guess that is a trick of sport. And that's why it's very lucky if you're into sport, because you don't really notice because you're playing a game. You're doing an amount of exercise that if you did it on your own in a gym, you'd be like, oh.

You finally used to stop. You'd be so bored. And you'd be like, fuck this. I hate this. This is so dull. I'm so jealous of people who love to play sport because they get to experience what basically to be equivalent to me is if I played God of War for two hours and at the end I was just like, oh, I've got a six pack.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I played Call of Duty all day and now I can eat whatever I want and I'm shredded. Fuck, that's made me annoyed now. That's exactly right. You know, sports is video games to these people. Exercise is video games.

Isn't that horrible? That is horrible. Weightlifting is video games to me now though. Really? Yeah. You get thrilled from weightlifting? You really enjoy it? Well, I've got a high score. It's literally just numbers going up. Even the gamification does not fix it for me.

I think it's just to do with how people's bodies are wide. I think the lucky people are those whose body chemistry is such that when their body feels under physical stress or for exhaustion, they get the thrill. My body starts to panic. Like that's what happens. If something feels heavy, my body just without even thinking about it, it just starts to panic and just panic. Part of the very heavy weightlifting is you build up to it so your nervous system gets used to not freaking out. That's part of it. But there is, so on the list of sort of debatable or niche conditions that one might think is made up, right? This is one

that I'm not sure about. And it is like an allergy to exercise. Like certain people. And tell me which doctors might describe this. If I was a kid, I'd be like, I'll pay whatever it takes to get this exact diagnosis. I want this doctor's note, please. Oh man. It's like, yeah, like you say, like a body panic level thing, like fatigue is much an accessory, but you can't get in. There's no way of measuring fatigue and you can't get inside anyone's head, right? No way of measuring fatigue. No, I guess not. No, there's no fatigue ometer.

Like even with pain, it's impossible. That's why they do that stupid pain scale with all those dumb little cartoon faces. And even that doesn't really work. How much you measure fatigue. I suppose you could do something where say you measures what someone can lift, uh, refreshed and then, and then to find out how tired they are at any point, give them the same weight. Yeah. But then that's like more like rate of fatigue per person, maybe, but also presumes an honest person. Or like one of these punching machines, you know, you do a punching machine,

boom, and it gives you a score and you try again when you're tired and whatever the deficit of the score is, is your, maybe, is your fatigue quantity. But if someone is like, does one punch on the punching machine and goes, oh, my hand. Are they a wimp or are they very sensitive or do they have some fucked up nerve condition in their hand? And even if they are a wimp, are they a wimp brackets lying about pain or are they a wimp brackets the pain is real? Okay. So you're right. Right. Right. Okay. In which case the pain is as real as if they weren't a wimp brackets, the pain is real? Okay, so you're right, right, right. Okay. In which case the pain is as real as if they weren't a wimp.

Okay. I'm trying to process this. So if someone feels 10 pain. Okay. For them, 10 pain units, that's an individual thing for them. Yep. Cause some people have higher pain tolerance. That's right.

Well, so what if they're for them 10 pain is just a more wimpy, less of a thing? You can't judge them by going, how dare you? I only give up when I reach 10 pain. Yeah, but that's different for you. You see what I mean? It's all relative. There's no measurement system that's reliable for this. No, the closest we have is the Scoville scale for spicy chilies. Yeah, but even that, that's a measure of pain, isn't it? That's like a chemical density thing, isn't it is like chili on per fucking gram or whatever. There must be a chemical released when pain is experienced. And if you could measure that chemical or maybe like a cortisol thing.

Yeah. If you could have like a little nubbin on your arm that just constantly tests what's in your blood, then maybe we could. I'd love that. I'd love a nubbin. I'd love that. That's how that lady with a deep voice got really rich, wasn't it? By lying to that. I'd love a nub. I'd love that. That's how that lady with a deep voice got really rich, wasn't it? She by lying to everyone that she'd invented the

nubbin is the single blood drop test for everything. Yeah. What's her name? Elizabeth. Crunty. I don't think it's crunty. Adams? No, it's not Elizabeth Adams. Who's Elizabeth Adams? I think that's just most evil name you could imagine. Yeah, I think so. I think of the Adams family. Sorry. Yeah. They're like their aunt who's a scientist. That's why I'm thinking of an evil lying scientist.

But yeah, she, she said that she developed this test where you only need one drop of blood. And she convinced everyone. She made so much money fraudulently. Like billions. Holmes, Elizabeth Holmes. Elizabeth Holmes, Sherlock's evil niece. one. She made so much money fraudulently. A billion homes, Elizabeth Holmes, Elizabeth Holmes, Sherlock's evil niece. Yeah, but the why are we talking about painful? Yeah. So like,

if someone says like, I'm in agony, I can't do any more exercise, my body's flipping out. Yeah, you just have to go at a certain point. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Right. Well, then there's something wrong with you and we have to give it a name now. Okay. Yeah. That is what medicine is. Medicine seems complicated and fancy. And when you get down to it, it's deciding when to believe people when they tell you what's wrong with them and then giving it a name. And that's it. I know. And I still get this, you know, I still think when I go to see a medical professional about something and they say on a scale of one to 10, how would you, how would you rate

the intensity of the symptom? And I kind of want to say, I don't know. That's why I came here. So I'm the doctor now. I could have done this at home. I hate that. Like that's too much pressure on me. I don't know.

I put, I put in my book available andback, pre-order it now, please. The pain scale thing, where it's like 10 out of 10, shouldn't I be unconscious? Shouldn't I be like, being sick? Like a level of pain that's like torture. Because 10 is the top. You're saying it can't get higher than 10. So I should be fucking dead.

And also, how do you know what 10 is? I like to think that I, is 10 the most pain I've ever felt or the greatest pain I can imagine? Yeah. It shouldn't like my thigh bone be coming out my thigh in like a big jagged pole. And then I don't need to say 10

because I'm in the emergency room, I hope. I don't need to go 10. It's a 10 bone. Yeah. So what's this scale even for? What is the most painful thing you've ever felt? Most painful thing I've ever felt? I don't know the most distressing thing I've ever felt is I once went for I was a bit

worried about my heart and lungs post COVID. Oh yes, I remember this. So I went for a scan where they inject you with a very cold feeling liquid. You can feel it go in your blood because it's not warm. Oh, I don't like that at all. You can feel the cold going up your arm. Can you feel it moving in your... Yeah. Till it warms up.

And it does something to your heart while they're- Freezes it? Yeah. Freezes it to ice? Freezes your very heart. Turns you into Elsa, the snow queen. It turns me into Mr. Freeze or whatever. Yeah, ice to meet you.

Imagine how long you have to sit and paint Arnold Schwarzenegger's fucking head blue and white, like little dusting on it. Ridiculous. Yeah, exactly. So I, yeah. And it does something to your heart. Like it kind of makes it do a heart attack or something. It like makes it go really.

They did that to you? Yeah. It makes it go really crazy and it feels horrible. What is that for? They're scanning it while they do that to see how it does. Right. Like making you run on a treadmill to see how your legs are doing. And they just write down, yeah, it still sucks to have cold liquid injected into your veins.

Thanks for helping us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Patients found it really icky. On a scale of one to ick, how, did you ick this? Yeah, exactly. No, it was, it felt really unpleasant. Yeah. But you're lying in the big machine. So you can't do anything. You have to stay still. So the whole time I was lying there going, I have never hated a feeling as much as I hate this. I really, really hated it. And you, you know, it's going to end, but it's such a horrible, terrifying feeling. Cause like your heart going fast is what tells you when

you're in trouble. Yes. Yeah. So it feels horrible physically. Cause it's really going. And also you think this is what happens when you die. That's how I feel when I exercise every time, every single time about weightlifting though. Yeah. What the moment it gets hard, the moment I think, oh, I'm not going to be able to do this. My heart goes, and my brain goes, you're going to die now. Really? Or your body's going to be damaged beyond repair. You're being stupid. You're going to die.

You have to stop. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And I've really have to overcome that. Maybe you've got it. Got what? Body fear, exercise fear, brain. I'm ultra protective. I'm a low stakes, risk averse man.

And I think my body knows that. In every form, I think you are. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. I've played poker with you. I also like, I worship comfort. Like I worship it. If I could build a little altar for God of comfort,

I would light incense every day, I would pray every day. I think comfort is the most important thing in the world. And to intentionally create comfort, to depart from comfort intentionally, my body just starts like, why, why, what are you doing? from comfort intentionally. My body just starts like, why, why, what are you doing? So you only do exercise when your unhealthiness is creating discomfort. It is a conscious thing because I know I'm unhealthy. I know I should do this. But if you became my instinct is to do nothing. It's not if you became unhealthy enough, though, you'd be uncomfortable in seats. I have to say, if I haven't moved around enough,

I do get restless and I feel my body has to move. There you go. But that's the most I'd ever get. Oh, that's more than the most. It's something, it's something. My most painful experience, two things come to mind. One, I ate some really hot chili sauce for Rosie Jones' Comedy Central show to the max.

I know there's six million, whatever on the screen. That's not a show that she lied to you. That's why they went on the cameras. They just said they were really small. Yeah. I didn't see them anyway. They said they were really high tech and small. She's a terrible person.

She's just been doing that to people for years. And at first it's so hard that your brain... So it's the hottest available one. Yeah, hottest you can legally buy. And my brain, my head just went crazy. I didn't know what to do. I started doing pushups on the set. What?

I just went delusional. But it wasn't too bad spiciness. And I got in the car and then my belly started going. And when I got home, I realized all the, all the chips that I ate the sauce on passing through this part of my belly. And every time they passed, this pain would build and you could feel it. And cause I knew they got hotter and hotter and hotter. They just got spice. They got pain, more and more painful. And the final one, I was on the ground in my living room, shivering. I've had, um had fillings where the painkiller hasn't worked.

That's a horrible pain. Tooth drilling is a horrible pain. But that chili thing, I think I remember this. I don't know if we talked about it on the podcast. Maybe we did. If I knew that was coming, I would genuinely try and put yogurt in my ass. I do consider it like an enema.

Anything to stop that. Because if it's, if it's, if it's triggering your fucking duodenum, which you don't normally know is there, your bum hole is, I mean, it must've been hell. Well, the interesting thing is it doesn't do any actual physical damage or any lasting damage. Your body, but your body thinks it's on fire. I don't want to ghost to it. You know, your body thinks it's on fire. And so it's telling your body thinks it's on fire. Not as a ghost. I don't want a ghost to it. Your body thinks it's on fire.

And so it's telling your body, this part of your body is on fire. I guess you should try to put it out. Yeah, it's a bad experience. Yes, correct. It's not actually doing anything. It'll just feel like it is. Okay, so functionally it is until it stops.

That's it, that's it. Fuck that. No thank you. I can deal much better with pain if I know no actual damage is being done. So you're worried about damage to the precious, precious body? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you'd be okay with having something simulated?

Yeah. Yeah. If I know it's just messages to the brain, I can probably think my way out of it. Don't test this. Don't check that. Please don't scarecrow fill into a universe of pain and fear and torment. Yeah. Just to see if he's as fine with it as he thinks he is. Very scarecrow style super villains are listening to this. Please don't spike Phil with a load of angel dust and then put him into a fucking haunted house just to see if he's fine with it. We've talked, Phil, about weird adverts. The one where it's like a lion and a tiger, like exercise plans, like 18 to 25. And it's a really, I set a line with a six pack and a human body.

Yeah. These are those click bait posts you see a lot mostly on Twitter. And it's like diet plans or exercise plans for men in their 40s, 50s, 60s. And each one is a ripped man of the relative age with an animal. The head of an animal. So things like that. Yeah. Internet plops. I don't really know what I call it. Gunk.

What is it? AI slop is the term going around. Well, this isn't AI slop, but it's from Instagram. It's a sponsored post. Okay. And it's that whole, you know, the whole thing of like, oh, brain training. Oh, okay.

Download this app and you'll never get dementia because we've made you do crosswords. Yep. And none of it's true. There is no evidence of the brain training as a concept. But there is evidence at doing puzzles, engaging the mind. There's evidence at keeping your mind active, but it's as a concept. But there is evidence that doing puzzles engaging the mind. There's evidence that keeping your mind active, but it's not a muscle. Okay, yeah.

A fucking idiot who does crosswords every day isn't getting any smarter at anything except crosswords. I think I found this out about chess brutally. You know, there are all these theories about your chess will make you smarter in this. And I read someone wrote, it's a research research researcher wrote getting good at chess doesn't make you better at anything but chess. Yeah. I guess it is quite a specific set of, yeah, yeah.

I always love that where people are like, Oh, I get all my strategy for the business from chess and you go, right. So when another business is queen is exposed, you murdered the queen. What are you talking about? If your intern gets to the end of the boardroom, they become CEO. What are you talking about? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Stupid. Fucking shit from like a Guy Ritchie film dialogue from a Guy Ritchie film.

So this is some, some, some nonsense. Okay. It's for brain training. I don't know how it relates to brain training because the advert doesn't mention brain training at all. Okay. Here's the question it poses to you. How rare is your male archetype? Oh, okay. How rare is my male archetype?

I like the idea that I am already convinced as a, as an advert receiver as a customer, potentially I'm seeing this. I'm already apparently living in a world where I know about and believe in male archetypes. Yes. Oh, good. I was hoping someone was gonna ask me about that. Yeah, I'm not sure how rare mine is actually. I know I have one.

My male archetypes. Yeah, I'm not sure how rare it is actually. Yeah. What's my archetype? This is also part of the video gamification of life, right? The idea that we're all a class. It's the attempt to put everything into categories like horoscopes. I'm a rogue.

I have many rogues on my street. I'm a halfling warlock. That's my archetype. You fucking... Yeah. So how rare is your male archetype? It's just the question. Okay, great.

So you go, I don't know actually. Yeah. My archetype? And there's a long list of archetypes. I'll just quickly flash you the image. Yep. So it's like a big graph almost. And it's got a list of the archetypes

down the left-hand side. Mm-hmm. And then it shows you their percentages. Of? Of various qualities. Oh, okay, okay. So again, like an RPG, how much strength, how much it's empathy skills. Fake general skills.

Skills. Come on. What percentage of my archetype is skills? So are you having a stroke? So it's, it's empathy skills, independence, wisdom, not intelligence. No, presumably intelligence is a skill. Is it under skills? I guess so.

Wisdom. And creativity. Okay. So skills, I guess, means like nunchucks and baking. Okay. Yeah. It's nunchucks and baking and maybe shagging. I don't know. It's hard to say.

So those are the categories, Phil. There's quite a lot of archetypes. These percentages remind me of, what was the last thing we did that had mad fucking percentages? Inspiration is 20% inspiration and 10% learning. Oh yeah, I remember. Oh, that's on the bonus

pod as you'll have to be a patron to find out. Um, so here are the archetypes. Okay. Yep. Uh, the king, the king. Yeah, that sounds like a good one. This is the other thing about these archetypes is like, they're always very positive. There was like, even if it's not the king, it'll be something like the Paladin or the assassin. It's never just the hero. It's never the incel or the creep or the worm. I wonder what percentage of skills the worm has. Wiggling, wriggling, wriggling.

But they're all represented as percentages. So like percentage of empathy. You go out of what? Out of all your percent. It's out of all your percent. It implies that like, oh, if you have too many skills, independence, wisdom and creativity, your empathy is zero. Yes. It's a zero sum approach to human values. The concept of people. Oh, they're very intelligent. Then they're very wise. So they can't have any skills. Yeah. Usain Bolt is so fast. He can't do anything else. Yeah. Right. He can't cook. 99% skill. He's 99% skills. He can't cook an egg. He has, he's not wise at all. He doesn't know

where the sky is. He's never solved a riddle. No, no. Um, other people have to dress him. He's just like a big running machine because he's put too many of his skills in running and he's 99% skills. Bill Gates, I don't know, is a 99% wisdom. So he's got no creativity or independence. Unfortunately, business hack you man comes under skills. So he's got to have everyone do that for him. Shit. Yeah. So the king is an archetype, right? Which I guess is you get one per country. That's pretty rare. And the king, this is the recipe for a king. 15% empathy. Okay. 3% skills. Okay. I can understand that. That's low. I can understand how they get to that though. 42% independence. Yeah.

Yeah. You're the king. Almost legally mandated. 37% wisdom. So specific. Wow, 37. How'd they get to that? 37. Creativity, 10%. We used to think it was 36, but um, after some very interesting research has come in, it's actually closer to 37%. We analyzed our king database and we've decided they're 1% less wisdom than we thought. Right, I see. And you're a real business. Are you? Oh, yes. What do you do? Brain training? I don't think it's working. Everything you've said is stupid and gibberish. 10% creativity for a king. 10% only 10. Okay, I'm going to read a list of archetypes here. And they come with sort of offensive

little cartoons. And I want you to tell me what you think of these archetypes. Which one you think you might be? Oh, okay. Because we want to need to find out how rare your male archetypes are. Is there a worm? Because I'd probably be. Okay, let's see what they are. The worm, the perv. I'm going to try and guess which quality uh, which quality they have the most of. Shall I? Yeah.

We'll do top jumps because we can't, we won't do them all. Okay. Okay. The first one was the King and his top quality was independence, which makes a kind of that makes sense. Gossamer thin level of sense. Yeah. The father, the father.

Okay. What are the categories again? Empathy skills, independence, wisdom, creativity. That must be wisdom. Must be his top. father. Okay. What are the categories again? Empathy, skills, independence, wisdom, creativity. That must be wisdom. Must be a stop. Yeah. Yeah. They don't add up to a hundred.

Oh, great. They haven't discovered all the qualities. No, they could be better. The father has 1% empathy. Wow. This is a lot about the person. Yeah. The guy made a father, obviously 10% beating me, 4% ignoring

my text. My father had 1% empathy and that's how I work in brain training. That's how I ended up making this graph. The warrior. Warrior. Okay. So it's independence, empathy, skills, wisdom, creativity. Warrior must be skills. 15, no, his independence is 20, he's very independent. The cartoon they've chosen for Warrior is just a guy in a beanie hat and a jacket. I don't know what that's about. The King is just wearing like a Mumford and Sons outfit. Oh right, so they haven't even gone for illustrations of the...

They're not even Dungeons and Dragonsing it. It's just like, this is what the modern version of this guy might just drawings of actual blokes. Yeah, it's really gross The king the father of the warrior the magician the magician must be wisdom No, four percent wisdom what he spent all his life doing magic tricks skills forty nine percent empathy 49 empathy while you're I'm really feeling how amazed you are by my card tricks. What's your male archetype? Me? A magician, I guess. Okay, get out. I'm very empathetic. I'm so empathetic. I'm some kind of magician. Well, yeah. Oh, you're such a good

listener. You must be a magician or something. It's all in this book here and they hand you a book and it's just a piss stained phone book. Oh think you, you know, why you look up and they're just running away, running away, screaming about being a magician. The lover, the lovers. Yeah. The love is wearing a trucker hat and those, those glasses that are just slats made of plastic. Lover must be empathy highest.

No, that's only 12%. Again, independence. What? But the whole point of a lover is that they be empathy highest. No, that's only 12%. Again, independence. The whole point of a lover is that they aren't independent. No, also his empathy and skills are like 12 and five. This guy's a shit lover. He's wearing like a trucker hat and like slat glasses. By Lacanier glasses. Yeah. You go, yeah, like a lover would. That's the guy who gets laid, isn't it? The guy dresses like that. The sage.

Well, wisdom must be top. You got it. He's 50% wisdom. Okay. This guy's half wisdom. He's wearing a little Mumford and Sons straw hat on the back of his head. You know, like a wise sage would.

Like a traveling sage. Yeah. The explorer. Independence must be top. You got it. It's 54%. Um, the Explorer looks like a cartoon of the Coke head investment friend of Kendall Roy. Oh, yes. So I guess that's what explorers look like, uh, from exploring their nostrils. They are the creator. Creativity, clear, obviously. Top. 40%. You got it.

The hero. The hero. It sounds a lot like the warrior to me. The hero. The hero. Must be independent. Yeah, they've just given him loads of independence again. The rebel. The hero is wisdom. Oh, it's 39. I thought they said 29.

They have big glasses. Okay, the hero is wise. It's cerebral hero. The rebel. The rebel must be independence. Yes, 59. Okay. The jester. Oh, at last.

Tink. My archetype. Tinkling bells. Our archetype. Tinkling bells. How have they depicted the jester? He's got a stick with a pig's bladder on the end. He's got a hat with bells on. He's got little knickerbockers on.

No, it's just a guy who looks like a pickup artist. Oh. To be honest, they all sound like pickup artists. Anyone who talks like this is a pickup artist. I'm a bit of a jester. My male archetype is probably the jester, but maybe a magician. Ay, ay, ay.

You immediately cover your drink. If someone talks like this, jester must be creativity or 63% 63. Yeah. Very high. Only 8% empathy. Mean, mean guy. A cruel man. Yeah. Cruel jester.

Final one is the caregiver. Oh, empathy. He's not the father. Yeah. 43% empathy. 4% empathy. Who's not the father. Yeah, 43% empathy. 4% creativity. Boring to be nice. He's very nice to you, but- Boring.

It's nothing you haven't heard before. No, no. Not like the jester. Who's mean to you in different ways every day. Yeah, wow. Finally, a guy who's mean in a new way every day. I can just, I wake up every morning, and I think, what the fuck is it going to be today?

My nose? But it is so lame that all these categories are complimentary. They're all, there has to be some negative ones. Yeah. Where's, yeah, like you say, where's the public masterbater archetype? It'd be really funny to be the public master better archetype and know that. That's where they got me down. 99% independence.

One percent creativity. One percent creativity. Because I'm always doing the same thing to be fair. Zero empathy. There's only so many ways you can jerk a dick. It's not my fault. I try to spice it up and people don't know what I'm doing for a bit and they're not frightened, which is why I don't feel powerful when I, yeah.

No percent empathy, 1% creativity, 99% independence, wisdom zero, skills one. Wanking. I have one skill. I have one skill and maximum independence. All of these things make you talk like you're in a job interview on The Apprentice. Yeah. My archetype is the magician. I'm very independent. And you can see someone just going, great. That's great. Garbled LinkedIn nonsense. Brain training nonsense. But I saw that advert and every time I see it, I go, nonsense. And I said, skip. I hate being shown adverts for

gibberish. Yeah. And just more and more now. More and more gibberish. Gunk! I'm starting to regret not having cookies, because I think I've been so good at saying no to cookies. Yes! That the internet doesn't really know who I am. And so we'll show me shit like that. Or a 60 year old AI ripped man hugging a lion. I'm like, fuck, I should have just accepted cookies. Then it would be showing me a product I might like.

Maybe it's showing me video games wrestling and Batman. Yeah, whereas instead the robots now just going, look, if you don't tell me everything about yourself, I'm gonna keep showing you this weird shit I found. That's it, they're blackmailing us into accepting all cookies. They're like, oh, you're gonna tell us who you are then. It's like having a compulsory personal shopper where they go, what size are your clothes?

Can I go buy some pants? You go, I'm not telling you anything. And they go, okay, I'm just going to buy fucking weird shit. Bring it to your house until you tell me what you really want. Here's a triple XL clown collar. Yeah. I guess this is what you want. Here's a hundred triple A batteries. Enjoy a size three slipper one. I guess as far as I know this is what you need. I hope you like Savoy cabbages because I've brought you 11. No, stop it. Then tell us your preferences. Show me all your shopping lists. I'll read them all at once. Fuck, now he knows. If you're listening and you are in or near London, my Soho Theatre show is on in March. It is my latest show from The Fringe.

If you saw me on tour, you will have seen a good chunk of it. But if you live in or near London, you have not seen the show. So if you're inside the M25, trapped like the rest of us by lorries, come and see me at the Soho theater this coming March. See his Soho show. How? And I will also be immediately my Soho run ends, Phil, on Saturday night, Oh, the 23rd or 22nd of March.

And the next day I go to Australia. He's leaving on a jet plane. And now I'm going to do my show that I've just been doing in Soho in Melbourne, in Melbo. Melbo, beautiful Melbo. For all of the Melbo International Commodo Festival. Oh, I'm very envious. It's a wonderful city. Maybe my favorite city in the world. They're saying Melbourne is a beautiful city. So get your tickos now, mates. We should say this more often, but do like the show. Please like it. Like their podcast on whatever you get it off of

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