BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 308 - Leave Those Dicks Alone!

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it, because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. it because they're running out. Otherwise we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. A quick reminder that we are releasing Bud Pod classics each week on this stream. The very short snippets of classic moments and this week's was when we first introduced the idea of the duvet wife. That impossibly perfect wife in tv shows and movies who's always reminisced about in glowing wife in TV shows and movies who's always reminisced about in glowing, glowing sunlight. Check it out. It's funny, man.

It's Bud Pod 308. 308. We're not late. We're bang on time. Even though I've just come in from Cheltenham. Yes. Yeah. I did a gig to the wonderful people of Cheltenham Spa last night. We should forget it's spa. It's a spa city. It's one of the spa cities. And I did, you know, I went to school in Bath Spa.

So there are spa rivals. Oh, OK. You're whipping each other with towels in the steam room. That's right. Once a year, we get together and throw tepid mineral rich water at one another. To see who, no, the contest is to see who's the most relaxed about it. That's the big contest. Yeah. Who gives someone goes home first wins because they're most chill about the rivalry.

Yeah. Well, you have to get like a hundred of the most stressed people. Like medicine sans frontieres, you know, caesarean specialists, people who do caesarean births under fire war zone, caesarean specialists. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You get them, get a hundred of them. Yeah. And they all the 52 go to Cheltenham spa. If you go to bath spa and it's a, it's a time you measure that how relaxed they are after a weekend of, okay. Or when each one gets to a level a particular level of calmness They hit a button like they're on take me out Go the lights turned off deactivating them. Yeah, and by one and they sink to the bottom of the pool

You can measure it with like calipers to measure like how tense their shoulders are, you know? Yeah, that's right. Squish them. Yeah, so I was at our spa, Varsity Rival Cheltenham last night. Interesting town Cheltenham. The main street looks like an American road. It's very wide. It looks like an American university town.

It does, yeah. There's a North, yeah, Northeast US aspect to it. And it was a fun gig. It was my first half hour for a while. So I was nervous getting this brand new half hour together. And I had plenty and went well enough. And at the gig with the, um, during the show, a gal shouted out and she was from malaysian and she and i was like what's your name and she went ming ming and i said ming and she said no no chew and i realized she didn't say me she said me yeah me, but Ming, just micro aggressioning her Ming Ming was it. But yeah, the main thing was I, the organizers very kindly got me a very nice hotel room in Cheltenham. Beautiful little

boutique hotel. The room is in the attic. You know, when you go to an English boutique hotel, and room is in the attic. You know when you go to an English boutique hotel and you're in the attic and there's this, you've got dodge the beams, the beams, very authentic beams, but they're always sold as the nicest room because you get to feel like a little princess or a diarist. Yeah, or sort of hidden, um, or all the more insane relative. Now I like, I like hotels. I like plush hotels. I like hotels where they treat you real nice. You're a comfort enthusiast. Big time. But I do have issues sometimes with the pillow situation on these hotel beds. I think sometimes they're a bit silly. And last night I took a photo of the pillow situation

on my bed from the hotel Would you like to guess how many total pillows? So think think of a hotel bed How many total pillows do you think were on my bed? Okay, so It's a double bed Yeah, yeah, not particularly large double bed. No, it's not which one's bigger European. Yes Queen Queen Whenever you see a double bed and go, that's a double bed. I feel like it's a European standard double bed, which might even be smaller than that. No use at all. So that's at least one pillow per head of sleeper, right? So there's minimum this too. Yep. Ideally there's four.

Okay. But then I'm picturing big, rough sofa cushions just jammed on the bed for no reason. And then like maybe another four. So I'm going to guess six. Six. What an innocent mind you have, Pierre. No. Six is what I would have guessed. Look at that.

Eight. Oh, there's an, there's an extra pair of the white sleeping pillows. Each side, each sleeper had three full white pillows. And then on top of that, two of those random rough ass sofa pillows. That would be a lot of pillows for someone who isn't going to be leaving the bed. It's taking up half the bed space.

That's a lot of pillows for someone who's got a kind of one of those Victorian illnesses So they just they live in bed from now on. This is fucking Charlie buckets grandparents territory Yeah, man, it's so many pillows when I saw I was like, yeah, I was honestly shocked Do you think this just for you? Everyone else just gets one pillow and they're like this fucking guy If you're like this guy is very demanding. Yeah only deserves the best. Give him eight pillows. That's insane. It's crazy. And then at the bottom of the bed, they had that hotel bed bib. You know, the little bed bib at the bottom of the bed, the rough, like a towel-y bed bib, but it's not a towel. It's like a picnic blanket. Yeah, that's it. And they just go, um, and this. What's a little

fucking bed bib for? It's a hangover. Every time you just have to rip it out and throw it on the ground every single time. I think they think the cleaners don't have enough to do. They think they're cleaners. They have such an easy life. They're not cleaning that. The bed bib is not getting washed. The bed bib is going straight back on the bed. Surely. I guess you check it to see if someone's thrown up on it. Rough ass bed bib. They're not throwing. It's like wool. You have to give it a special clean. But it's, the bed bib makes sense. There's a hangover, right?

From back when bed sheets were sheets. So like still sometimes you go to a hotel and it's not a duvet. Oh yes, it's just a thin sheet. It's like a thin sheet and then a slightly less thin thin sheet and then a kind of thick sheet and then a kind of other thing on it. It's like a thin sheet and then a slightly less thin thin sheet and then a kind of thick sheet. Right. And then a kind of other thing on it. It's like a bed from the Edwardian era. It's like an American pastrami sandwich. It's layers, layers, layers of pre-duvay bed, cotton meat. Yeah. In those days, they're adding that little bib on cause

they're like, Oh, and if you're really cold, here's another fucking mad blanket. Just for your little feet, right? I think because you can pull it up. Originally you could pull it up. I think so. But you're right. Maybe it was originally just because like, Oh, my feet get cold. And you go, well, then where socks of it that bad grow up is gross. I can't. And I have to pull it off every time because the feeling, even the feeling of it under the sheets, the feeling of this extra unfinished layer on my feet drives me crazy. I don't like it. I can't stand it. I have to pull it off and throw it on the floor every single time.

You know what? Fucking bed bibs. I hate the bed bib. Who's making the bed bib? The worst thing in the world is, have the bed bibs on, yeah, and you can feel like the ghostly extra weight on your feet. And it's like an imbalance. It is an imbalance. And then as you roll over, it's almost falling off. Ah, yeah. That even introduce a tension. That moment I hate because now I'm thinking, when my eyes are closed, I'm thinking when

is it going to fall off? If I move again, it'll fall off. And then is like, do I want it to stay on? Mm-hmm. And I don't like that. It introduces an aspect of tension to the very sleepiest moment. The sleepiest moment of the day. The sleepiest moment of the day, bed. What drove me crazy last night is because it was quite a warm room and I like to... It's always heated up to what fucking pensioner and on holiday.

Horrible. Also top floors, all the warmers getting there. I was opening the windows. I turned on the air conditioning, which didn't do fucking anything. I was like, just like having a penguin breathing in the corners, trying his best. And so I'd stick my little feet. I find it was really, really effective. You stick a little feet out of the blanket and a lot of heat goes out through your feet. But because of where the bed was and I couldn't get it out at first, my little feet were poking out the side and then just rubbing up a bit against the rough bed. So foot would be simultaneously touching the soft, smooth cotton sheet and then half of you touching a rough, dirty bed bed. It drove me fucking nuts. Every time this

happens to me, I'm like, come on, Phil, you're a grown man. You're an adult. There are people out there who don't even have beds. You can sleep in this. And for a second I go, yes, I'm strong. And then I go, no, I have to reach over and I just, I'd like, I'd like to escalibrate this fucking bed bib. They always tuck it in like all the sheets and hotels are tucked in like they they've caught you They're trying to fucking restrain you so you can be examined or that you're a known sheet thief and they've gone will Will give you board but we won't be taken for fools. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're taking any she chained these sheets to some Unknown spot and under the mattress. Honestly, sometimes the sheets are like, is this attached to the building at some point?

Yeah. If I pull this hard enough, a roof tiles gonna come off and smash outside my window. Sir, sir. That's a structural duvet, sir. That's a load bearing bed bib. I do hate the fucking bed bib. Does anyone have a bed bib in their house? Have you ever seen a residential bed bib? A domestic bed bib? Maybe gals. Gals put crazy things on their beds.

Even for a lady. A bed bib is a lot. Sometimes you get a loose bed bib. There's a bed bib at the bottom, but they don't tuck in the bed bib. They don't tuck it in and it's one of the extendable bed bibs. Then it's a blanket. Then it's just a blanket that's ready, poised, ready to be deployed. Yeah.

You made it through the loophole. That's not a bed bib. That's a blanket. If I saw someone with, if I went around someone's house and I saw, I thought, oh, I got a blanket at the end of the bed and it was a bed bib. I'd be like, this person's a fucking lunatic. They've had to buy this from like, they've had to buy this from somewhere that only really sells them to establishments. Yeah. They've had to go to the supplier, like, like industry. They've had to buy, they had

to buy 10,000 of these because it's the smallest number you can buy. They had to find, they had to say to the supplier, let me know when a hotel or a BNB or a prison or whatever gets in touch and they want like one or a few less than your minimum amounts, because then I will... I'll buy the remainder. I'll buy the remainder above cost per unit. Because I'm so desperate for like a rough bed bib at the end of my bed. That's how mental...

It would be like having a urinal in your house. It's just one of my favorite Adrian Childs facts. I think he must still have one, but at some point he had a urinal. That guy never fails to deliver. He's the best. He's bulletproof. Yeah, a bedbib would be most... What's the most unsettling hotel thing to find in a house? Bedbib's up there.

Bedbib is definitely up there. I mean, they have the soap dispensers bolted to the shower wall. They don't live normally where they live. Yeah. Like, you know, lots of people shower here. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like the squeezy, you know, go to a cheap British hotel and the soap is bolted to the wall in a squeezy plastic bottle. Horrible. So you're reaching to a fixed thing Like you're milking the building, like you're milking the bathroom. You can wash with building milk

It's you're trying to squeeze it through its cage Yeah, that's it. Yeah That is horrible. Yeah, if you have that in the house, that would be insane. If you have that, that would be psychotic Yeah, and let me tell you about the air conditioner in this, in this bedroom. Cause God bless British hotels. They are trying with climate change to install air conditioning and may, you know, give us some respite during the warmer months. They mainly seem to install it because they'll have installed a unit that is also a heater

and they'll use it to heat the room to the temperatures preferred by the thinnest oldest person you know. Ideally 40 degrees. We give so much of this country to the fucking old. It makes me angry how much the old owe the rest of us means I'm getting angry now thinking about old British people. I hate them with a patch. I need to stop. But this air conditioner really, like that. But fine, it's better than nothing. At least it'll get the room a bit cooler than it is. Again, bed, turn off the light. And when you turn off the lights to go to bed, your hearing improves. And especially my fucking hearing. You've got like the bad version of what daredevil has.

Exactly, yeah. You can hear inconveniences. I said, I can't stop crying. It can just keep me from going to sleep. And I get better and, yeah, that's pleasant. And then I can feel my hearing gearing up to, and I can hear this tiny, tiny rattle in the air con go. The most tiny gram imbalance in a fan. Let's say, yeah. And I go, no, no, please. And sometimes it's on the flap, the external

flap and you can maybe hold it down or just squeeze it in and it'll stop the vibrating. So go up and the vibrating noise is not coming from the flap. I can almost see the noise. It's through the grill in the machine. I can't get to it. So I'm like, fuck. So fine. Whatever. So now I have to decide, do I want to sleep in a slightly warmer, silent room or a cooler rattle room? And I go, I can't sleep in rattle room. I'll have to turn this off and sleep in warm, quiet room. Again, bed, I get the air conditioning remote, which I've taken over to bedside table and I reach over

and I go boop and turn the thing off and go, the rattling stops and the thing, and it all goes quiet. And then a second after the unit turns off, somewhere in it just goes, vuh, vuh, v uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, off. This is off. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, louder, so much louder than when it was on.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, printer in its off time. I'm like, you're kidding. Why? It's not even off. So I have to go and turn off activating off alarm. Just to let you know when I'm not operating, the conditioning system is off. The conditioning system is off. Please relax. Please relax.

Your air is not conditioned. I repeat. Yeah. It's not go over and have to go to the plug of the switch on the bank because the vibe, this noise is like coming from the cables at this point. What even is this stuff to turn off the whole thing now from the wall and then, and then I have quiet, but then it's so fucking. Yeah. You're in this, the room feels like foggy. Oh man, it's so muggy and still, but I eventually got to sleep, but I kept waking up man, because it's just like, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed. Hotel duvets are like a foot of feathers thick. They're crazy.

There's no choice. It's either completely exposed to the elements or microwaved. Like a mad snow drift of just bird feathers. Oh man. It's yeah. I've got to age now. I feel like a child where it's hard and harder for me to spend one night in a bed that's not my own.

It takes me one night in a new bed or bedroom to acclimatize. And our first night is always hard now. Yeah. I swear, I didn't used to be like this in my 20s when I started touring, going around doing gigs. I just, wherever I was. But now I sleep really well at home. And then if I go anywhere else, I'm like, mommy.

There's a bed, babe. There's a bed, babe, mommy. I can sleep better on trains with my face smushed against the table than I can in a lot of hotels. Why is that? Maybe you're not supposed to sleep on the train. So you're fighting it. And when you're in bed in a hotel,

you're supposed to sleep. So you're fighting staying awake. Oh, yeah. And that's what's hard. Take a kind of instinctive rebellion thing. It's a reverse psychology, yeah. It's like I have had some of the best, I might try and do a routine about this. I've had some of the best naps of my life wearing jeans. If you go to bed wearing jeans, you feel like a killer who's well, like you feel like you're going to bed

waiting for someone who you know is going to try and kill you so you can leap out fully fully dressed. Yeah, exactly. You're an assassin. Some of I am best ever sleeps have been accidental naps in the passenger seat of a car. Oh, yeah. Wow. I never sleep.

I never nap. I never sleep in the back of a car. But if I'm in the front seat, passenger seat of a car, I'm just pow. Do you think you could rig up, like, get a screen and just play footage of driving from a passenger seat POV? There's some theories about the kind of people who become taxi drivers, lorry drivers, people who drive for a living.

Because the constantly changing scenery is stimulating. Even if you're not driving. Ah, right. It's one of the reasons they think while passengers get tired as well. Yes, yes. Even when you're not actually concentrating on the road. Cause you are just, your brain's constantly going, look at that, look at that, read that sign, look at that, what's going on here, look at that. And so it is like a drain. And so the kind of people who do that for a living need that kind of stimulation or there might be a sort of high amount of

ADHD. It could be something going on there. Um, working with that theory, do you think, but that, like that wouldn't explain why you get tired traveling by flight, but that's a different time because you're not, you're not wanting anything changed, but then it's just discomfort and the time zone change. It's the shittiness I think of flying. Whereas when you're flying, you never get that kind of like lull to sleep feeling. Oh, whereas in a car, I think you do use yourself. Yeah, just sort of pummeled by micro stimulations into the kind of the noise of the the rocking. Yeah, it's all there. Whereas you could build that build a sort of mad passenger seat and have the footage of the driving and I could. Yeah, I'm an old sleep pod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. And simulate what makes

it such a good place. Flying on a plane, you feel like you're working at an office where they try constantly trying to get you to drink coke. What kind of office is this offering you a nine quid panini that you know, it's just going to be the wettest food you've ever had in your life. So hot and wet. On the topic of bedrooms, I've just had my bedroom painted the color I want after living for four years. And that's how it goes. Nothing's ever done. I know. And nothing's ever finished. That's it. And I was on David O'Doherty and Max Rushton's wonderful podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? Yes.

And I was telling them, I was just getting it painted and they asked me what color and I said, a color called Cook's Blue, which is sort of medium blue. And David O'Doherty thought I was insane. He said, blue isn't a bedroom color. He said, blue isn't a relaxing color. Blue? Blue. It's the sky and the ocean, isn't it? This. He said blue isn't a relaxing color. Blue? Blue. Sky in the ocean. This is what our and the night. Yeah. The night sky even is dark blue. Yeah.

That's what makes you sleep. Okay. Good. I was worried. But then I did ask him what was a relaxing color for a bedroom and he said green. So I think he's just being Irish. Yeah. He's just, there's some Glasgow shit going on there because it blues Rangers. It's some football shit Ryan green. Yeah, I thought maybe a forest green but this is Green I have green downstairs because I think green is relaxing, but it's awake relaxing You have to be awake to be looking at the green when you're sleeping in nature Green is behind your head blue is in front of your head. And so you have to think, when I'm sleeping,

what do I have in front of my head? Naturally, blue. The sky. When I am living, walking around, what do I have in front of my head? Naturally, green. I'm in the jungle, I'm looking. That's it.

I like this. If you were willing to pretend to have much less fluent English than you do, you could make a lot of money selling people a kind of jungle feng shui. Right, make a lot of money selling people. Kind of jungle feng shui. Right. Natural holistic feng shui. Put on your strongest fucking Malaysian accent. Talk like one of your uncle's friends from

back home and say to white people here, you are an ape. You're supposed to have green to look at while you walk around. Your back, you look at the sky. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, that people would buy into that big time. For sure. Furniture needs to be made of wood and be brown. Those are the trees. Yes.

Yeah. We're naturally meant to sit on lawn logs. Yeah. And the floor. The floor should be sort of either ruffles. Covered in pebbles and bugs. Yeah. Covered in bugs and shit.

Yeah. That's when you, you got, or tiles. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll call time or cool tiles. Yeah, I like it. Okay, good I'm glad I agree with this. Okay, good. Who's not a relaxing color. Yeah, maybe is a Sports thing. It's just got traumatic memories of blue It's such a funny idea for a podcast. Oh, I should say I got Koji, I texted you guys about it, but I got Koji by a cool looking guy. I love it. That's more green. Wow. He looked cool. He had a little beanie hat on that wasn't an all the way beanie. You know, those new ones, very cool. I had wasn't the very shallow fisherman's

hat shallow beanies rolled up very shallow. Yeah, but they're not rolled up. They are just shallow. Oh, yeah. New beanies. That's how very shallow. Yeah, but they're not rolled up. They are just shallow. Oh yeah. Those new beanies. That's how they are. Wow. Because if you rolled it up, it would have like a big thick brim and would keep twanging off your head.

Is it like around the, like a skull cap? Do they wear like a skull cap around the back? It's a cross between some kind of skull cap and a fisherman's actual beanie. Okay. You know those ones. Okay. They're very trendy. So you're practicing fisherman.

That's the look. Yeah, yeah. He's an observer. And practicing fishermen. That's the look. Yeah. He's an observer. Devout fishermen. He's an orthodox fisherman. He's an orthodox fisherman. And I think he had a mustache. He's a cool guy. Oh, that's great. I mean, and he was mouthing Koji to me because I had headphones on and so did he. Yeah. And I was just kind of looking around and like like as I looked back, I saw him like kind of, you know, when you raise your hand going, oh, excuse me, that vending machine doesn't work. Right.

You would say that like across a train station like, oh no, that ticket machine is out of order. He was doing that going like, oh gee, like, oh gee, like that. And I thought like, is that at me? But why would he be doing that? He's crossing on a different road crossing. He's like half turning around and I'm half turning around looking at somebody else. He's like, and I looked away and I checked to see if it was green man yet and it wasn't. So I looked back and then he did it again more obviously. And

I went, Oh, code like mind gave a little wave and then we walked away. It's very satisfying. It is. Yeah. I get whenever I get coded, I never respond correctly. And was like, Oh, yeah, thank you. And then we gave a little wave and then we walked away. It's very satisfying. It is, yeah. Whenever I get coji'd, I never respond correctly. I was like, oh, I just forget the response to just coji back, because I just go, oh, thank you for listening, my child. I always get really weird. But I've been coji'd a couple of times,

gigging at the wonderful Moth Club in Hackney. Very cool club. Cool club, cool Kojis, cool potbuzz turning up. I agree with you though, it's hard to remember just to go Koji. So the time before this one that some cool looking guy did it to me, I was like, oh, hooray, hello. But you just forget. Your brain, you're like Scrooge on Christmas day.

You just completely lose track of what you're supposed to. We'd be crap in a secret society. Oh, hello. Hello, my boy. Yes. If someone was said to us. You listen wonderful. Someone said, Cobbras. And we'd go, what? Oh yes!

Yes, well, secret, very good. Like just be such a fucking useless goon in a secret society. Don't, you can't invite us now, we've ruined it. Yeah, don't ask us to be part of your cobras. Don't ask us to be cool cobras. On the topic of koji, I'll send you a picture of someone sending in a soil. Oh yeah, this happens a lot. Yes. Someone, we get the, send this a lot. We got sent some koji. Oh, wonderful. Firm granular rice koji with the sort of koji marinade. Because koji is an ingredient. Is is it like a fermented rice paste?

Rice kernels covered with the fragrant white bloom of the aspergillus orize mold. Bloody hell. So it's some kind of Asian mold. Some sort of Japanese mold. Because there's lots of soy sauces and things that people send us, then the ingredients has koji as an ingredient.

So it's some sort of fermented mold thing from Japan. Yeah, it's called Koji. Yeah, it depends. Sounds Japanese. And it's in sake. It's one of the main ingredients in sake. Oh yeah. Which makes sense, fermented rice.

Always fascinated by, cause sake at least, okay, it's got a thing in it like that, that makes it taste of something. Whereas a lot of vodkas, I always wonder like, isn't the whole thing with this just, it's got a thing in it like that, that makes it taste of something. Whereas a lot of vodkas, I always wonder like, isn't the whole thing with this just that it's supposed to be the purest possible ethanol and water? Right. Why don't we just buy it? As in where is the scope for flavor and quality?

Well, the quality, I guess, is always seems to be linked to the purity. So then you think, well, then why don't we all just buy ethanol from a lab? It's not going to get any more pure than that. It's been like lab grade ethanol. Will Barron For me, the objective of Vodkast seems to be to be the purest alcohol that won't make you blind. Like getting as close as possible to making you blind in a sip, but still being... And will ethanol just make you... Neil Milliken Methanol makes you blind. Methanol makes you blind. Yeah.

Ethanol shouldn't really ever make you blind unless it's enough to do other things as well. Yeah. I don't know. And I've had a very expensive vodka once. Okay. And it was really smooth and nice. Do you remember the flavors? Or was it just the quality of it?

I had it right out of the freezer. And was it just like drinking really cold, thick alcoholic water? Yeah, that sounds quite nice. It was smooth and like it poured more slowly than, oh, because it has been in the freezer. Like nectar. Like nectar aspect to it. And ambrosia. Yeah.

But like a flavor. Yeah. Just a kind of purity to the flavor. I don't know. That's what I always wonder about because they always go, oh, we filter our spirits through a big pit of, you know, crystals. Well it's always a mons, not coal. What am I thinking of?

Charcoal? Yeah, like charcoal filtered and then you go, right. But you're also filtering out all the fucking fragments of nectarine or whatever the hell I'm supposed to be tasting, right. But you're also filtering out all the fucking fragments of nectarein or whatever the hell I'm supposed to be tasting, right? Like, why don't you just put it in a centrifuge and I'll buy it from a lab. Yeah. Yeah. I'm stuck on rubbing alcohol.

Yeah. But I must be missing something. I must be because there's vodka tasting, there's vodka connoisseurs. Like there's definitely something I'm missing. It feels to me like it's, it's alcohol tasting. It's sort of alcohol fandom on difficult mode. Like with wine, with wine, you're like, at first you're like, Oh, I can't really taste difference. Red is red, white is white. And you have a bit more. He's like, Oh, there's actually loads of difference within white, within red. And there's loads of difference

between those. And I'm like, but that is not as hard as drinking vodka and going, oh, this is this vodka from here. This is this vodka from here. This is good vodka. This is bad vodka even. Liking wine is like liking jazz and then being doing the same thing with vodkas like liking jazz. If it was only scat singing, you're not even allowed instruments or lyrics. It's just this one goes skibbidi bababzu. This one's zibbidi zubabap. And it is different. It's just she would have a pop. Hey, this one goes skippity bop bop zoo. This one's zippity zoo to a bat and it is different. It is different. I'm enjoying the difference because I'm so into this. Yeah, you're right. Definitely hard mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Speaking of things that are difficult and make you go crazy. Yeah, we've been sent some tat. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess. I like two things, pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working.

Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tatatak! This is from Annie brackets and Andy. Annie and Andy. Annie and Andy. Mary, Marius Daddy. Okay. Yeah, Marius Daddy.

Marius Daddy. All right. G'day PNP. Ah, they're Aussies. They're Downunders. Mm-.U.'s. My partner and I are Pistorians of the Pod. So when we saw the tat before our eyes today, I had to share it with you. Thank you. We were on a mystery picnic tour. Remember, of course, their tat goes the other way around. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

They love, laugh, live. That's a phrase like that, because it's upside down. We were on a mystery picnic tour in the Yarra Valley. I've been in the Yarra Valley. Beautiful wine region. You'll be going. Will I? Well, I always thought when I was at a Melbourne Comedy Festival I would organize the wine tours and now

their responsibility and I'm handing down to you it falls to me it's a great day to me but did you go on a mystery picnic no I don't even know what a mystery picnic is well I'd love to know which let's find out which element is a mystery well mystery picnic tour in the Yarra Valley where we had to solve I'd love to know which, find out which element is a mystery. Well, mystery picnic tour in the Yarra Valley where we had to solve riddles. Oh, okay. I thought you just like,

you didn't know what kind of eggs you were getting. Yeah. Or the poor pattern of blanket you were sitting on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a better idea. Just blind folded. That's better. This is more fun.

To solve riddles, to guide ourselves to different locations and to collect items for a picnic, cheeses, bread, drinks, chocolate, et cetera. Okay, so each riddle is like another item, I guess. Okay. So it's like playing a video game from the 80s or 90s. Okay. Of item collecting.

Okay. It was delightful. Wonderful. End of email. It was delightful. Though what we of email. It was delightful. Though what we didn't expect was the intensity of tat we were confronted with when we visited a quaint little ice creamery. Oh, oh yeah.

You shouldn't have been surprised. Yeah. The word quaint gives it away. A quaint ice cream shop in the Yarra Valley near Melbourne. Tat Central. Come on. Some of the less intense but equally surprising earrings. Oh, okay. Well, that's okay. Let's go into the tat. Oh, they're earrings. That's why. Right. So

okay. First piece of tat isn't an earring. It's like a little poster, a little poster. It's just text on a poster. Okay. I'll show it to you upside down quickly. You see it's okay. Yeah. Black, black background of steer white text and a little border. Yeah. They say blank is better with a dead arm. Apparently I blanked that blank. Was wanking? Is masturbation. Wanking. Do they say wank? They don't say wank in Australia. They do. They do. They wank wanker. Wank. You're a wanker. Yeah. I know from Amal and the sniffers. What lyrics. It's a punk band. Oh, they're really good. Yeah. Okay. She shouts the word wanker loads of times at one point in the song about wanking. Yeah. They said, but it's masturbation, but I'll give you that. Okay. They say masturbation

is better. This isn't an ice cream shop. Yeah. This is not the Tat. This is not the genre of tat I was expecting. We're going to open a quite little creamery. So I guess speaking a crime get a bunch of posters about fucking jerk in it This Patient is better with a dead blank dead arm. Yeah. Yeah Apparently I blank to that blank Apparently I missed that meeting no one makes sense got theenses right though. Apparently I blanked that blank. Gosh, masturbation, they say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently. Think uh, classic comedy. I misunderstood that bit.

No. I think classic pull back and reveal. Yeah. Right. Naughty stand up. Is he like using he's he losing apparently he used a corpse as a dead body. Yeah. But that person's and yeah that arm.

Okay. Apparently I tried to say that in that formation. Apparently I... How do you say that in that formation? Apparently I killed that guy. Apparently I... You're so close. Ah! Oh no, apparently I defiled that corpse. You're so close. What situation? Apparently I'm... I've trespassed that morgue.

You're so close. And I got his one. Not morgue. Uh, uh, it was graveyard. No. Funeral. Yeah. Apparently I ruined that funeral.

Yeah. Word for word. You got it. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Classic pullback reveal stuff. Not allowed in Morrison's anymore. Crazy to be in an ice cream shot.

I'm still... Psychotic. Reeling. Just your kid going, what's that about? You go, I don't look at that. Imagine reading that going, nice rum and raisin, please. Just inquiring with the person saying, that's about using a corpse's hand to grab,

like a cold dead hand of corpse's hand to grab like a cold dead hand of a dead body to grab around my erect penis. Yes. Yes. No, I'm getting myself to climax with the arm of someone's dead relative at a funeral. And that's they're upset. But I heard this rumor and I misunderstood it. And so that's why I did that.

Two scopes or one scoop. How many scoops you want and then they go? Yeah The person behind the desk goes. Yeah, that's right I'm glad you like it. So these are some earrings Okay, some earrings. Okay, but they're those big earrings that have has got like lots of letters on sassy quotes Okay, like big earrings with lots of words on it. Yeah, they're dangly bit Yeah, and they're like they're solid like this isn't the ice cream shop still

So this ice cream and earrings ice cream and earrings and wanking posters. Sorry necrophilia posters And these earrings are like plastic panels of writing on they're not like hollow Like little signs. Yeah. Got you. Oh yeah. Got you. Got you. So here's, okay. Here's the first one. To-do list. Eat blank, drink blank. Eat pussy. Drink piss. Eat pussy, drink piss. I would respect it a lot more. I would like that. Yeah, that's funny. Who's buying that? Finally, you'll never guess I finally found those earrings I wanted. I'm here to do two things eat pussy and drink piss and I'm all out of pussy. And then like as you shake your head and you say that the earrings go

as you shake your head and you say that the earrings go clack, spin a bit. No, this is much more traditional tat. This is less Jesus. Okay. Okay. To do list. Eat. I mean, it's the obvious eat cake, drink champagne. Eat. I mean, you're close genre wise. Eat cake, drink champagne. Eat, I mean you're close genre wise. Eat. Eat donuts, eat steak. Sweets, yeah. Eat chocolate. Yep. Of course. Drink Prosecco. There's wine. Wine. Wine. Eat chocolate, drink wine. You shouldn't have chocolate and wine. Why? Chocolate interacts really badly with tannins. So yeah, chocolate kills wine. The last thing you should be eating before wine is chocolate. Take that. Unless, unless maybe the sweet wine deserves wine.

And both of the to-do list boxes have got little ticks in them. Oh, so they've already done them. If you're going to be blanky, bring the blank. And there's a picture of a shot glass. That's your clue. Ooh, if you're going to be blanky. Yeah. Grumpy?

Angry? Yeah, but not that word. Crabby. Bring the crab. If you're going to be crabby, bring the crab. Would be good. But there's a shot glass. Shot glass.

Is it bring the bottle? The second? No. Bring the rest? Bring... If you're going to be Russian, bring the vodka. That's nice, though, if you're a busy person. If I met up with Putin one, look, if you're going to be Russian, bring the vodka.

Like when Putin's like, when you have to agree something, it's like, look, if you're going to be if I met up with Putin one look if you're gonna be Russian bring the vodka Like we putin's like we have to agree something. It's like no if you're gonna be a Russian me And then he'd laugh and laugh It's not vodka it's something else whiskey Is it a booze? Yeah, and a booze you shot picture of a shot glass Sambuca. Oh The most British you've ever sounded. Disgusting stuff. Tequila? Yeah.

OK, if you're going to be blanky. Blanky? Bring the tequila. Limey. Salty! Yay! I thought limey like an English thing. Limey?

OK, this one you're never going to guess. I'm just going to tell you. Okay. It's in the words are like rainbowy colored. Okay. My mind is like someone emptied the junk drawer onto the trampoline. Jesus Christ. What is that?

It's a bunch of rubbish bouncing up and down. Yeah, I guess. Okay. Yeah. I prefer the drinking piss one. I prefer the wanking, be wanked off by a corpse. How about this? I'm not a hot blank. I'm a spicy blank.

I'm not a hot mess. Correct. I'm a spicy dump. Again, I would prefer that. I'm a spicy disaster. Oh, fair enough. So you go, okay. Same thing.

You just go, so, but it's bad though, right? It's but both are sort of bad and bad. You're having a bad time and they go. Yeah, and you go, okay I'm not I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster, but still having a bad time though, right? Oh, yeah. Okay Okay Raising blanks is exhausting Okay. Raising blanks is exhausting. Raising blanks, raising expectations. No, close. Raising eyebrows. No, you're close. Raising standards. No. Raising questions. Raising kids. No, no, no, no. Raising blank is exhausting. What is, what is a common comparison between having kids and having something else?

Dogs? No. It's, it's, this is in the realm of that kind of relationship tattoo you'd see on the wall of the pub and... Oh, raising husbands? Yeah. Yeah. Got it.

Oh, you, you're raising husbands is exhausting. He doesn't pull his weight. I don't respect him. I made my fiance laugh because she, I was playing, before I deleted it, I was playing Bellatro in like crystal silence, pure concentration. Do you still have it? You still playing it? No, no, no. Okay.

And she like thought that that meant I wasn't in the room, in the study, little spare room. And she came in and she saw I was hunched there staring at the lateral. And she was like, I was like, what? You knew I was in here. She was like, no, but it's just, you were so silent. I thought you couldn't still be in here. And I was like, You're in there like the Babadook just silently curled up like a bug. Yeah. Just staring at the lateral. On the the ceiling. You just up on the ceiling. And I was like, it's not a game where I wouldn't make sounds. And I was making a laugh by saying, I was sitting there going, okay, I had this guy, wow. Oh yeah. Whoa. Zip it to do just

to myself while playing a card game. So this is a very aggressive earring. Last one. Okay. Save a blank. Suck a blank. Wow. Yeah. Save. Save a wank. Suck a dead guy's dick if it's in the same genre as the first one. Save a blank. Save a whale. Save a doll. Is it like a classic animal you would save? No. It's quite a baffling sentiment to be honest.

Save. It's like saving money. Save a buck. Save a child? No, the verb suck is important to what you're saving. Save a horse. To give you an example of other tat that follows this logic. Save a horse, ride a cowboy is a sort of like, Oh, don't use a horse when you can

fuck this cowboy who I am, I guess if I'm wearing this t-shirt, you know, save an egg, suck a dick, suck a dick. You got, wow. It's not an egg. I know you can see what you're doing there with teaching your grandmother suck a. I don't teach my grandmother suck dicks. I see what you're doing there. Yeah. What do you suck? It's very simple. Save a lollipop.

Yeah, you got it. Really? Yeah. And it's a picture of a lolly. Look. Save a lollipop, suck a dick in an ice cream shop. For a lady's earrings. They at least make it like an ice lolly.

Make it thematically consistent. That's true. Yeah it like an ice lolly, make it thematically consistent. That's true. Yeah. Save an ice lolly sucker dick or save a dick sucker and ice cream, which we sell here. Which we sell here. Leave those dicks alone. You can go next door for the dick shop, but here you're getting ice cream. Hey, creamer, leave those dicks alone. Leave those dicks alone. You can do a little song about it. Baffling. Baffling. So that's what they meant.

Some less intense but equally surprising earrings were another discovery along our tour. Yeah. Only moderately less intense, Anne and Andy. Piers, we look forward to seeing Pierre at the Melbourne Comedy Festival soon. Wonderful. I'll see you guys there.

I hope you enjoy the show. I have no idea how the show is going to go down in Australia. I've done gigs. I hope so. I've done gigs in... Ilgo Bonza. They'll think it's absolutely... great.

Should I think what else do I know about this? Like Bonza. Yeah, I think I only know Bonza. It's just Bonza. Nothing else exists. Yes. Well, thank you very much, guys. It's now time to go to the sexual creamery that

is the bonus pod. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The sexy ice cream shop of bonus pod. We'll see patrons there as we record this. My Soho theater run starts tonight as you're listening to it. Probably on the day it came out on Wednesday, it's, it's been on for two days. It's from the 10th of March to the 22nd of March. Okay. With Sunday's off and for some reason I can't do it on Tuesday, the 18th. Oh, okay. They were like, Oh, we've got a fucking trampolining school that night. With throwing some garbage onto trampolines. Yeah, for the sake of some earrings. So yeah, come see the show. It is your only chance.

Some people are messaging me going, oh, but will I see the fringe? This is last year's fringe show. This is the only chance. Face and love. Final warning. Final warning. So do come and check it out. out before I go to Australia with it. Wonderful. Goodbye.