BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 30A - BudPerverts with Fern Brady!

Episode Date: September 18, 2019

Episode 30 part A! Join Phil Wang, Pierre Novellie and Fern Brady for the first part of the double 30th mega pod! The trio talk dildo warehouses, instagram perverts sending us messages, bathwater, THE NAPPY MAN, married condoms and condom villains and, of course, a fantastic poo story. Get in touch! [e-mail] or @thebudpod on twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, it's part one of episode 30, a mega episode. Mega episode. Double pod. For our 30th. Yeah, happy 30th. Happy 30th. Let's have a breakdown. Yes, our quarter-life crisis. No, that's insane. Things will be lived to 120. Maybe.

Yeah. Not a good life, though. It's weird hitting the age of 30, you know? You always think you'll be ready for it, and it just hits you like a truck. Yeah. But this is the first podcast episode that is older than me. Yes. Yes, because you're

You grow up so fast. He's 30 in January. I'm 30 in January. Phil's 30 in January, that's when he's going to have his breakdown. Yep, that's Fern Brady who has joined us for our 30th birthday. We wanted to share it with our favourite Fern. Second place, the New Zealand Fern.

But above that, it's a silver Fern, isn't it, New Zealand? Yes. But you're above that Fern. Thank you. An entire nation's symbol. What about Fern Britain? She's below, below, below. Yeah, too nationalistic a surname. Yeah, she's too Brexity. Yeah, too Brexity. Fern Britain? She's below, below, below. Yeah, too nationalistic a surname.

Yeah, she's too Brexity. Yeah, too Brexity. Fern Britain. No, thanks. But yes, it's going to be a double pooper. And we have Fern. A double yoker. Fern is a good friend of ours, a very funny comedian,

and has a couple of banging Bud Pods related stories. Well, not Bud Pod related, but stories about the poo stories. Just great poo stories. They're thematic. They're thematic. They fit the theme perfectly. And she's helping us out with some correspondence. It's going to be a great couple of eps.

Enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy. So you went on a trip around the dildo factory? Oh we started? Yeah about four months ago I did a tweet about this dildo company

well it was like a joke tweet and then I thought they weren't replying to me and then they got me to come to their, they took me on a tour of their factory Really? Yeah Where was it? In Bath The Dildo factory's in Bath

Yeah. The factory's in Bath It's like a warehouse, oh not the factory sorry, it was a big warehouse with all the dicks and So I lived in Bath for a bit, so I went to school where my parents still live now. And I had no idea we were living next to filth! Your school was a dildo factory all along.

Oh, no! Ah, that explains Mr. Bellend, the huge talking dildo that talked us into it. Professor Rubber Fist. Ah, of course, of course, of course. I just thought he was sick. He was actually a Professor Rubber Fist. Ah, of course, of course, of course. I just thought he was sick. He was actually a huge Rubber Fist. What was it like?

Well, I used to, I worked in a sex shop in Manchester when I was on Open Spot. Yeah. So it was just like a large scale version of that. Oh, that's fair. But it wasn't like, you couldn't go into the warehouse and buy stuff. It was where they supply

sex products. They post it out on the internet but they also have warehouses in Brisbane and in America and they said how everyone's buying habits are different so I was like I bet British people buy more

like school girl costumes and BDSM stuff and they were like, you're absolutely correct. And then Australians tend to buy tiny underwear. What? Tiny underwear?

To go on their tiny gym-honed bodies. Badgy smugglers. Yeah, yeah. Or speedos, mate. Yeah, I've seen twice in Australia I've seen old men wearing g-strings

on the beach yes it's mental did you see that I grandpa strings yeah and then remember

when we went to Sydney everyone just looked like they worked out all the time yeah it's mad I was in Southend yesterday and I saw

three men in their 40s and 50s with grey hair and like eight packs. Oh my god. And also loads of men of that same age who were extremely fat. But the six packs were the point. I was like, what the fuck?

Why were you around topless men? The beach. Venues by the beach. Oh, right enough. But was it like that sort of bulging six pack where it's like Robless men. The beach. Venues by the beach. All right enough, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But was it like that sort of bulging six pack where it's like... One of them was and two of them were legit. Wow. Legit, scary, I have a lot of time. Yeah.

Six pack. And a reason to be strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get punched in the stomach a lot. Yeah. But you go to the gym a lot, don't you? I seem like I do. It's been a while.

Yeah, did I not tell you I was waiting in the queue for a show at the Pleasant But you go to the gym a lot, don't you? I seem like I do. It's been a while. Yeah, did I not tell you I was waiting in the queue for a show at the Pleasant and my boyfriend saw you and was like, does PR work out? I think he fancied you. Really? Yeah, he was saying how handsome you were. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Did you have any compliments on me, Fern? No. I'd love to hear this. Well, he referenced your joke last night to explain something to me. Yeah, but not... Explaining things back to me in wangish terms. Was he as condescending as I am? He is a bit that way.

He does the thing you do where he corrects me on stuff. Yeah, I need to stop doing that. I had it this weekend. thing you do where you correct me on stuff yeah i need to stop doing that okay like i i i i had this weekend someone said um less instead of fewer and my my body and things and then but then i just i i held it back and i imagined the the subtle but negative social fallout that would have happened yes afterwards and i just have to play this scenario out to myself and go, no, it's not worth it. You don't want to be that person.

And then I've missed what they're talking about. And so I just nod along it. I'm completely disengaged from conversation at that point. But it's hard, man. I just want to correct people all the time because it's all I have fun. It's all I've ever had. It's all I've ever had.

Being right. Being right is all I've ever had and I have to I've ever had. Being right. Being right is all I've ever had, and I have to let go of it. The time you corrected me about Scottish independence in front of A. Castor and Rebecca, I was so angry that I couldn't speak, but I wanted to seem really elegant and nice in front of them. I thought, yeah, you behaved in a way I hadn't seen before I was like why isn't she fighting me

but we were in polite company yeah he was like your preposterous views on Scottish independence totally and patronised me about it I didn't patronise you, we were having a debate and then I waited until we were having brunch alone

and I was like how fucking dare you? Next day. I was so angry. Just had some spooning porridge into my mouth. Well, I have more questions about this warehouse. Did you see anything in the warehouse where even you, as someone who used to work in a sex shop, were like, what the fuck? Like, they have that now? Were there any surprises in the depths?

I mean you posed with in the photo you posted online about it you are holding two dildos that are larger than any orifice a person could have. They're like forearms. With a commitment to diversity because there's a white one and a black one. Oh yeah, yeah.

Ebony and ivory yeah together at last are they are they supposed to be put up here those are they like ornamental no i think they are for people that have maybe got stretched out fannies or bum holes it's not like the length of them and they don't look they look quite rigid so it's like they don't i don't think they can handle the bends and curves of the human body. Someone's found a way. Life finds a way, Phil. I think people take paupers or a few... It's not just about the girth, though.

It's just like the... You mean you're wondering how they rearrange the organs? Yeah. They must do that a bit. I feel like you could take maybe... Yeah, but look at the shape of a baby. Excuse me? The shape of a baby comes Excuse me? The shape of a

baby comes out a woman. Yeah, and it's one of the most famously painful experiences a person can have. But it's only on the way out. On the way in, it's uniformly wonderful. It's like sticking

your hand in a jar of sweets. Yeah, exactly. it's like sticking your hand in a jar of sweets yeah exactly if people just sat on babies they would just they'd have a great time they'd just fall back inside I tell you what was weird

was for the podcast they wanted me to do there was a list of things like you have to be inclusive or whatever yeah but i was gonna obviously do that anyway uh but then when i mentioned um i've been reading this book called the vagina bible um and it said that when they first started trying to do research into the clitoris, they had a hard time because corpses, clitorises are shrunken and really tiny. Oh, right. And then they got all funny about that. And I was like, well, I'm being inclusive to the necrophiliacs.

So what's the problem here? I thought you wanted me to be inclusive. So they're all shrunk up? Yeah. No one's horny. Actually, your clit shrinks as you get older not just when you're dead the difficulty level goes up yeah as you get more experienced

okay well so your clit actually gets cuter as you get older cuter? yeah but it gets all small and cute well they also they contradicted gets all small and cute that's all it is well they also they contradicted me on that and said that some people

say it keeps growing but I don't think that's true no because then you'd have these grannies just like dicks hanging out

hanging out have we actually introduced to Fern no we haven't anyway granny dicks dead clits it's Fern Brady

everyone well that's why grannies never wear tight jeans Yeah They always wear those old lady trousers Yeah, maybe, for room For room for their big swinging dicks Swinging granny dicks Yes, Fern is now our third guest

on the podcast It was our first private cold open with a guest It was a freezing cold open. Now the credits are rolling. The credits have only just started rolling. This is a pretty interesting show. Fern is our third guest

and our second Scottish guest in a row and our second Edinburghian guest in a row. Oh, you had Ian? Proper Edinburgh though. What do you mean? Because he's from Edinburgh, Edinburgh the town, and I'm from, like, West Lothian outside of Edinburgh.

Oh, right. Which Ian would not consider to be Edinburgh. Bathgate. Yeah, Bathgate. I met someone from Bathgate. Who? Just someone's friend. I don't know.

She doesn't work in comedy. Oh, right. But I was still like, I know Bathgate. But did she seem common? I don't know. No? Because there's some... The Protestants in Bathgate are rich,

so you might have met a posh person. Maybe I met a proddy then. Fern and I want to do a show. A pretty proddy. A dual, like a travel show, the two of us, called From Bath to Bathgate. Yes. I have pitched that to

producers but they just look at me how did you get in uh but and but it'd just be like prince and the pauper and yeah so showing um phil has to go and work in bathgate tesco and in my head phil's gonna have a scene like when the lady goes downstairs in Titanic yeah where he does Irish dancing and enjoys it and Phil's face is like wow they have fun here more than in the

formal dinner place or whatever and then I will go to Bath Lawn Tennis Club yes is that what you do? no I just do nothing we'll go to Bath Launtanus Club yes right is that what you do no I just do nothing which is the ultimate privilege

yeah yeah to sit and do nothing is the real is life's true pleasure we go to the spa the Bath Spa oh I love Bath Spa I really love Bath

generally we'd go to one of the nightclubs and watch watch the posh kids finger each other. Ooh. Where else would we go?

Do you think if you go to... Have some tea and scone on the little grass by the lock. Do you think if you go to Bath Spa and someone walks in really like, ah, ooh, with a big flapping bum hole, I know where you've been. You've been to the warehouse and they go yeah yeah

it becomes like a local like the tour guides are like you can always tell when a Barthian has been to the warehouse it's like looking up the geishas in Kyoto oh there goes one now this is what happened that was funny in the dildo place they took me into where they record their podcasts.

And they were like, if you could just not take any pictures in here. This dildo company records their own podcast in the dildo warehouse. Yeah. They said, don't take any pictures in here. Because all our latest creations are here. And it was like Willy Wonka. Where it's like, don't give away the secret of the everlasting gobstopper. Mr Slughorn

wants to know what our new dildo flavour is. Well there was just lots of butt plugs sitting around and butt plugs all look the same to me. You're not going to be like oh they've got one with nobbles on it or whatever. We've finally invented the everlasting

butterfly. It'll never dissolve. Keep on pushing, it won't stop. I heard all these people on the tour die from dildo injuries and Oompa Loompas come out and dance their bodies away. There's one very bratty

posh girl. I want one now! I's a very bratty, posh girl. I want one now! I want a rubber fist now, Daddy! There's a greedy little German boy. They just swallow one whole and choke on it. There's a river of lube he falls into. It's flavoured like strawberries. Welcome to the Bath Dildo Warehouse. Here in Bath, we believe in the

importance of three things. Cider, Jane Austen and shoving stuff up inside your body for sexual gratification. And we at the Bath Dildo Warehouse are proud to be the largest collection of sex toys in the South West

if you don't count that pit of fleshlights and frome so come on down to the Bath Dildo Warehouse we can suit whatever your needs are as long as those needs involve putting something inside an orifice of your body it could be a mouth, but we don't recommend it. We recommend the vagina or the arsehole. We sell all kinds of dildos. We sell dildos. We sell mildos. Mildos are dildos that we've made out of an old pepper mill.

They're called mildoes, careful, they're spicy! We've got spildoes. A spildoe is a hollow dildo that you put around your cock and you fill it with jizz, or you put it around your vagina and fill it with vaginal fluid and you fill it up so much that it spills out, your fluid spills out and that's why you call it a spill-do. dildos, mildos, spildos, and swildos, which are dildos made out of solidified

pig swill. It just adds a little rustic charm to your furious, private wanking. So those are the dildos. We have stuff to put up for your butt as well. We have butt stuff.

Of course, what kind of sex toy repository would we be if we didn't have stuff you could put up for your butt? In fact, we like to call ourselves the suppository repository, if you know what I mean. Because it's a suppository repository, if you know what I mean.

Because it's a suppository, isn't it? But your arson repository is a place where you store things. So come down to the Bath dildo warehouse. Next time you have a bit of free time, maybe if you're at a loose end drop in and peruse or many dildos uh you can buy as many as you like as many as you like buy five buy five thousand well i mean you can't no well not five thousand we only have about eight hundred units in stock at the moment but but but you can buy those 800 we'd be so happy if you bought those 800 office in one go if you came in and you said I'd like to buy all 800 of your dildos we would say yippee yippee that's a that's a good

day's work that that's a good day's work 800 dildos in one sale that's a good day's work but we'd order in some more and we'd come in when they got here and we'd continue our jobs of selling those dildos but that's beside the point come in anytime and buy as many dildos as you like uh you can find us uh in bath just outside of bath uh we're next to a we're next to an argus and and a school they're not happy about that the school they're not happy i can tell you they're not happy about being right next to a big dildo farm but uh it's not illegal. Apparently, it's not illegal. They're not happy. I'll be honest with you now. They're not happy that we're there,

but it is not illegal, so that's where we are. Come in. Avoid the children's gaze. They are judgmental-looking things for one so young. And come in, and we've got nice opaque plastic bags. So no shame on the way out. And buy as many dildos as you like. Cannot express how free you are to buy as many dildos as you like.

So come on down. Bath Dildo Warehouse. I've got three up me now. So we were just speaking about the kind of, shall we say, unusual characters one might get at one's show. And Fern, you get...

Phil and I have had some, but but Fern gets I think you get our share You get so many You're like a lightning rod for weirdos And the rest of us are very grateful that you take that hit Yes You take our share of the burden Phil and I are on a what A lunar month

Honestly One lunar month A lunar month That's all you get Probably honestly one loon a month i should say rather than saying like off the moon a loon a month yeah that's what i thought you meant that's all you get probably um yeah i don't get too i don't get many weirdos especially not like um ones that come up to me after oh my god i get i gotta you expect me to attract more i can tell you the weirdest message i got on instagram once this this girl sent me a message and it was like a request message and i was like all right and i looked at it and it was like uh oh hey how are you and then it was a video and i was like okay i'm gonna look at the profile before i load the video you know i'm no fool yeah so i clicked on the profile and from the profile it looked like

a teenage girl maybe like 15 or 16 um from like uh like alabama or somewhere like somewhere like i have not performed you know and definitely like too young to be like oh i traveled to london and so i was like all right this is weird but fine and uh so i went back and i watched the video and it was just her it was her in like uh exercise pants not just exercise pants but like her lower half and exercise pants in her bedroom just doing a huge fart just videoed herself. Just ripping ass. Just horrible. And then that was the whole video. And I was like, what the fuck?

So I thought, I'm not replying to this. I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior. And then like months later, when I'd completely forgotten about it, messages me going hey did you watch the video and then i think ah this is interesting she goes hey did you watch the video and i go and i go no why what's in it and she thinking like what will she say will she be like nothing or whatever like and she goes uh oh nothing lol there's just a video of me farting ha she's like totally yeah it was a video just a video of me farting, haha. She's like, totally. Yeah, it was a video. Just a video of me farting.

And does she follow you? She watches you? She knows your stuff? No. What? That's what I'm saying, Phil. She never mentioned like, oh, by the way, I love the podcast. I saw your YouTube clip. Because, I mean, it's very on brand for the podcast.

Yeah, no, this was just some teenage girl. That's amazing. Well, good for you, man. And good for her. Be proud of your body. Very, good for you, man. And good for her. Be proud of your body. Very odd, though. I don't know why. It's like trying to understand a serial killer's mind.

Why me? How does she pick her victims? Why me? Yeah. Why not you? Phil, you got a very extreme Instagram message. Oh, yeah. I have a very nice lady in Bristol who will not stop sending me photos

of her breasts and videos of her vagina She won't stop, she will not stop She's like the Terminator What are the vagina videos like? They're what would you call them? Vivid

They're vivid personal examinations. Right. Or examinations or maybe even demonstrations. Yes, a demonstration, a tour around, you know. A tour around the pum-pum. A tour around the pum-pum, a little pum-pum tour. And I was... the pum pum I tore on the pum pum little pum pum tore and I

I was yeah yeah well anyway she won't stop sending me them and I guess I should just stop opening them but it seems

it seems rude if someone's gone through the effort it's Phil's cross to bear she can tell that you're opening them as well yeah I know I mean

she doesn't seem like the easily embarrassed type so I'm not worried about that. Yeah, that would be odd if she developed that. Also, like, if you're sending... She'll be getting off that you're opening them. Right, okay. Yeah.

So I should just stop? Yeah. Okay. But I keep thinking maybe this one will be like, Hi, you're probably wondering why I've been sending you... You know, it'll be like Would you be annoyed or impressed if eventually she was like

it was like a guerrilla marketing scheme for her crafts on Etsy Right, yeah. By the way, I make dream catchers Now that I have your attention In the background, you look back in the videos videos there's always a dreamcatcher behind her yeah you just didn't notice

I haven't had dick pics since we were in Australia oh congratulations but I haven't put up any bikini pictures and that was around the time I got more but my bikini pictures were always me like glaring into the camera they weren't like sexual I got more. But my bikini pictures were always me, like, glaring into the camera.

They weren't, like, sexual. There are plenty of men who would like it even more for that. Glaring. Well, not even glaring. More just grimacing because it was sunny. Squinting. Squinting, yeah. And sort of, like, ugh. They weren't very sexual.

Yeah, but the internet has proven that someone somewhere will wank over it. Whatever it is. It could be a picture of a shoe being washed away by the sea. Someone was asked to buy my shoes the other week. How much were they asking for? I said I didn't want to sell them. And he was like, the mad thing was was he was like oh i bet other guys are really creepy with you and not like me i just want to buy your doc martens

right and i was like yeah no i don't want to do that you should do it man just start you should like stop selling them like the pieces of the cross like buying loads of dot mons someone said me go on you sell them i mean there's that instagram um girl who was selling her bath water for like was it forty dollars a cup or something yeah she's like a youtuber or something i looked her up and she's from south africa is it that's like the country doesn't need this the country suffered enough she lives in the uk but she's from south africa Right. Because I was like, Vice did a big feature on this lady is selling her bathwater. She's creating jobs.

This is exactly what South Africa needs. But she's doing it in the UK, Phil. She's betrayed the motherland. That's the bit you're annoyed about? Yeah, I'm a real page. In South Africa. Other South Africans could be drinking that bathwater. These huge shipping fees.

I can't afford to ship your bath water all the way to the motherland. What do you reckon those guys do with the bath water? I think they drink it. Do you reckon? And they pour it on their ding-dongs. Like, it's a little sip and then they pour on the ding-dong. Yeah, like that's how you do tequila. Little sip. Some salt up the dick.

Salt up the dick. Lime in the bum. Oh. And then. Oh, God. That's good. Speaking of on-brand stories Fern probably has the most on-brand bud pod

strange fan story you could think of Yeah, it was practically made for the fan base of this thing And he tweeted about it Well, he tweeted about it Well, people on Twitter didn't... Because I tried to tell people in my shows

and they didn't find it funny or they just... Maybe it's so beyond the realm of their lived experience that they couldn't get their heads around it. Yeah, but, well, what would you call it? A nappy man? No, an adult baby. An adult baby.

So I got a tweet one day and it said had a dream i was at a fair and brady gig and she sensed my nappy needed changing sensed uh-huh because i've got a maternal instinct yeah Yeah. That's the vibe you give off on stage. Oh, well, exactly. Caring and maternal. Stern. It's known on... Matronly. Stern, stern.

It's known on the... That makes it sound like I've got fat tits, though, I think. Yeah, and flowery arms from baking. Yeah. Oh, what? Well, I thought you meant flowery arms from eating bread. Like, all the flowers going straight to my arms no no

trying to make them look thinner so he tweeted that and then I against my better judgement retweeted it to be like look at this pervert with anyone that's like a masochist

that just makes them come more because you're humiliating them and that's what they want so I forgot all about it and then a week later I think I was sitting in the airport going back to London I was doing a preview that night

and then I saw a tweet that was like it was just a picture of an adult man's body in a nappy with Mickey Mouse on it. Oh. The worst bit. Mickey. Mickey. Oh, Mickey, you're not fine.

You're a grown man's ass. You can imagine his voice Oh no So it's just this Right so it's just this Adult man's torso And then the tweet said Can't wait to go and see

Fern Brady and Greenwich tonight My girlfriend has changed my nappy So I'll be nice and fresh And hopefully I won't need Changed again during the show Wow My girlfriend has changed my nappy, so I'll be nice and fresh. And I won't need changed again during the show. Wow. So he'd obviously gone, and this is such a thing that these type of men will do. Let's make this dream a reality.

Yeah. And it's fucked because it's like forcing you to participate in their fucked sexual fantasy um so i start freaking out then i look at his twitter page and all of his tweets for the last week were about me i hadn't noticed and some of the tweets were innocuous like i think friend should be on taskmaster and i was yeah yeah listen to this adult baby yeah listen to the adult baby the people have spoken Dave the people have spoken

with an adult baby lie yeah so some of the tweets were just like that or it was like hey this is a great clip of her stand up then the other tweets were like Fer and Brady should do a porn scene with this porn actress. Just like pictures of me and a porn actress

side by side. And it was just horrible. Just loads and loads of tweets. So then I like told my agent and then I think I messaged Phil and then I messaged my boyfriend and like no men that I told seemed to be

worried like, oh he's going to murder you and shag your dead body but that's always what I think No one's ever murdered anyone in a nappy How do you know? The victims aren't there to tell the tale You're either into being a baby

or, I mean babies don't murder people aren't there to tell the tale you're either into being a baby or because babies don't murder people so I think he's got I trust his commitment to the part enough I think he wouldn't be like I'm also Chucky there's too much going on he just wants to be a baby

he wouldn't be a murder baby but they're perverts and I do want to kink shame. And then I told my dad about it, and my dad's always either underwhelmed or goes too far, and he was like, report him to the police! And I was like, I can't, because his location on Twitter is just in a full nappy.

He's a genius. This baby is the smartest adult baby we've ever dealt with here on the force. So he did come to my show. God. So I had to spend the whole preview looking at people and looking at their trousers to see if they looked like they had nappy-ish

bulges. If they were rustly. Yeah. Rustly pants. Were there like a couple of guys where they were like prime suspects where you saw, oh they look a bit like they've shat themselves? Oh, everyone in the front row. They all seemed really normal. They were a lovely audience.

And at the end I was like, just so you know, this adult baby's been tweeting me. I've spent this entire preview looking at your faces one by one trying to work out who it is and my agent was in that show and he said this weird middle aged man, as soon as I

mentioned it, the guy just looked mortified and just sunk down in his seat. Then people messaged after the show to say they were sitting along from the adult baby and he was stinking so he was sitting just like pushing himself during the show.

But someone came up after to say they really enjoyed the show and I was kind of talking to him and I just kept like looking down at his jeans discreetly to see if he was wearing a nappy. And just like sniffing. Because according to his fantasy,

you can tell. Yeah. Oh God, it's so disgusting. Your instincts it's so gross that's what i hate that he i hate that men either hate female comedians or they love them so much that they heckle you by wanting you to change their nappy yeah i'd love i'd love for that as a quote to become like uh like you know those marilyn monroe quotes like like overdone like like in like in 40 years people are like well fern brady said it best men either hate female comedians or love them so much they want them to change their nappy that is true yeah well but they do fucking mad because there was like a female comedian

whatsapp group and i think we talked about it in that about how they want they they just need attention in some way where you're supposed to participate in their mad but what i don't understand is why why why did he enjoy it when you when you called him out at the end why wasn't that was what i was surprised that you didn't enjoy it maybe because you called him out at the end? Why wasn't he like that? I was surprised that he didn't enjoy it. Maybe because you could see how angry I was and I wasn't like, a naughty boy wants his nappy changed or whatever. I never know where the fantasy

stops with this whole thing because if he's really committed to it then he'd like you being angry because that's what a mummy would be. A mummy would be angry, wouldn't it? Yeah. A mummy would be angry. Yeah, stop saying that. If little Philly pooed himself, mummy would be angry. No, I'm just saying. I'm not trying to be weird.

I'm just saying mummy would be angry. I need to stop saying that. There's Now he's going to latch onto you. Look. Pay attention now. Yes mummy, sorry. There's a guy that comes to look pay attention now yes mummy sorry there's a guy that comes to

female comedians gigs this guy in a wheelchair and then he asks to he like shows the female comic pictures on his phone and then as they're scrolling through to be nice to him

it just suddenly comes up like pictures of his dick and then like you scroll to the next one it's a picture of him wanking in his wheelchair oh no yeah it just shows perversion you know it could be anyone um doesn't discriminate no he goes to all the female comic shows there's like a group of different perverts that come to all of our shows there's a guy that draws caricatures of us what? like a sort of holiday beachfront

caricaturist who's gone mad yeah one time I was doing a show I think it was at the museum of comedy and they said oh there's this guy waiting for you here and I thought it was at the Museum of Comedy, and they said, oh, there's this guy waiting for you here, and I thought it was a producer I was having a meeting with after.

So I was like, hey, are you Ben? And he was like, I heard your footsteps coming down the stairs. No! The other ladies normally wear heels, so I can... I know. He was like, I can hear them much more easily, but you have very soft footsteps.

The other ladies? Yeah, and then he's like... In my basement? Oh, God. He showed me this drawing of me, which was unflatteringly bloated looking, maybe realistically. Big flowery abs? Yeah. It was me on stage and

then he... I thought he was coming to the show and then he said, I have to go now because I've got to go and draw Drew Barrymore across town. Oh, what? Is Drew Barrymore in town?

I don't know. Busy. But he said as if she wanted it done and then another man... That's so funny if he draws really unflattering drawings of the women he's obsessed with and his kink is to show them really mean...

Someone did a drawing of me where I had an Adam's apple. So you're being negged through the art of caricature. Yeah, but I didn't have the heart to bin it. It's still in my living room. No! This is making me think that if we want to catch serial killers or weirdos, you just set up a fake female comedian or just use you as like a fucking lightning rod. Well, I seem to be getting the ones that used to go to, they used to be in a Catherine Ryan and now they've moved on to me, which is really flattering. They've passed on.

Yeah, Catherine's great. She's moved on to a like some higher grade of lunatic yeah because she's she gets terrible like have you seen all her responses to them it's great it's like foot people a lot i've seen oh everyone gets that the foot the foot guys well yeah they want your shoes yeah oh yeah i think all women that are in any kind of the public eye get, if you Google their name plus feet, they'll be on a foot fetish website. Yeah.

Do you think, but like, if we just passed a law. Of all the fetishes though, foot fetish, I mean, that's. I think foot fetish is, I think it's disgusting. Oh, you hate feet though? Yeah. But I went out with a guy that was a foot fetish i mean that's i think foot fetish is i think it's disgusting oh you hate feet though yeah but i went out with a guy that was a foot fetishist and he would like put my toes in his mouth yeah and then i would just be like just trying not to gag i've had toes in my mouth yeah but my toes are all moldy oh well that's that's your that's down to you that's your responsibility well i was gonna go to who do you go to to get it sorted a podiatrist a podiatrist a chiropodist yeah

one of those words sorry also there was this comedian that was like best friends with sean walsh and he was in the finals of so you think you're Funny and he quit comedy to be a podiatrist. Is that not mental? Really? Yeah. Maybe he's... Brighton, he's in Brighton. Maybe he's the most sane of us all. Maybe he got on stage that night

and just looked down on all these feet and it's like, it's like that scene in American Beauty. It's like, this is just Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, which I think a reference I bring up on every episode of this podcast. It's true.

You are a bit like him because you're creepy. No! Fern, I was like, she's going to turn this around. Because you're also a good actor, unfortunately. Yeah. Fern, don't say that. On our podcast. Oh, is that not the image you have?

No, my image here is of a very respectful, cute, twee, shy, sort of nice you could you know you could bring me home to your parents oh right yeah that's the image i'm trying to build here so if you wouldn't mind yeah playing along to that but but i think that if you just pass a law that anyone who sends you something like this the police get a right to raid their house that'd be amazing we'd catch but we'd catch like i'd say one in five of these people has something to hide yeah the dick pics thing was weird because it was usually people asking me if i was coming to their town for a gig uh like a guy messaged saying when are you coming

to perth yeah and he didn't reply so he sent me his dick. Maybe this will change him. Yeah. It was a really big dick, but that's not going to pay my flight. How big would it have to be? It would have to reach from Perth to here so that I could walk the tightrope on the dick. You could just grab onto the end and wait for him to get cold.

Smutting it. Yeah, not be aroused. And then he just... Like measuring tape. You smack into his balls. Pow! Ow! Correspondence. emails phone callings your sister and keep it to who they find correspondence

alright correspondence cash gets in touch cash that's a pretty badass name that is a cool name cash with a K oh okay cash

so it's even cooler because it's a non-standard spelling that's how that works uh dear tp phonetic rendition of acronym tp short for two p's okay yeah a couple of degrees separation there yeah uh last week my wife and i were babysitting her three-year-old niece for the weekend we had discharged our duties as fun-time guardians admirably, trips to the park, cake baking, etc., and she was sound asleep by 8 p.m., leaving us to enjoy our Saturday night together. Unfortunately, our sense of accomplishment and peace was rudely disturbed when said niece woke up with a fever around midnight, and I was sent out to find a chemist selling Calpol. Finding a 24-hour chemist in London is harder than you might think, and I was forced to travel

all the way into Charing Cross. Whilst perusing the aisles of the all-night chemist in Charing Cross, I found myself next to a rather diminutive, nervous-looking American tourist. Think a Woody Allen figure in a sort of trench coat. Buying condoms as surreptitiously

as possible. After making sure the coast was clear, he shuffled up to the counter, eyes low, and tried to pay without drawing any attention to himself. God, if it is Woody Allen, you've got to guess who he's trying to fuck. You don't want to think about it. The paying audiences.

Nice. We also blew Valentine. Yep. So he shuffles up to the counter, all sneaky like, trying to pay without getting noticed at which point his loud doe-colored mountain of a wife it's like your arms burn you're so vicious you said it you said it first stop talking about my doughy arms fat tits you have big fat tits.

Oh, they're shapely. Go on, Pierre. At which point his loud, dough-coloured mountain of a wife drew up alongside him and at full theatrical volume announced to the entire store, Six? My God, Michael, are you crazy?

We're only here for a week. God, Michael, are you crazy? We're only here for a week. Six? My God, Michael. He says, insert stereotypical New York accent for full effect. Six? My God. Hey, New York, my God, Michael.

I'm fucking over here. Six? My God, Michael. We're only here... No, no, no. They call them rubbers why are they using condoms when they're married well this is the real question at the heart of this what why not just use a um more long-term form of birth control condoms are for single people i know someone who's married people yeah i know we can be both i know someone who's married and and she and her husband still use condoms and they've been married for years and i do think it's odd

yeah my parents did as well yeah that is strange because i found them did you yeah i found a condom in the house um and then i put it in my mom's dressing gown pocket. And then my mom, I found out years later, my mom said to my brother, oh, can you go and get this out, get something out of my dressing gown pocket? He went, found the condom. And then she gave him a wink. Oh, is that what's there

oh my i must have misplaced that no he said he was horrified for years and he thought why did she send me to to look for that the condom but it was me so you gave him this horrible complex it was me just mischievously putting condoms in different places what do you remember it was it a bog standard condom or was it one of the eccentric ones i thought you were gonna ask me what size it was um sure yeah it was a it was a normal one well or the or the first condom I've ever seen. But I've always... Maybe because they're Catholics

and where I'm from is like 1950s Britain. Yeah. So it might have been that. Maybe. So the guy says, the lady pops up and goes, My God, Michael, we're only here for a week. Needless to say, the poor man's ego was crushed beyond recognition.

Everyone felt his humiliation, including the young, bemused store clerk who handed back the receipt and change saying, OK, thank you. Keep jacking it, cash. So, OK, thank you is a catchphrase on the podcast. Oh. Because it's the way that you can react when you don't have anything to say to an awkward scenario. Or overwhelming situation. Or it's overwhelmed you. All you can do is go, okay, thank you, and just kind of walk away.

Oh, cool. It's quite a good way of dealing. If someone comes up to you and goes, your footsteps are soft and my nappy is full. Okay, thank you. You just walk away. It's good. And we didn't expect it to take off like it has, but people send us their okay, thank you stories.

It does happen. It happens in real life a lot. Cash says, P.S. A few weeks ago, you read out an email from my good friend, Emma,

who relayed to you how she and I struggle not to conclude all correspondence in our corporate douchebag jobs with Koji, keep on jacking it, which is the goodbye catchphrase.

That's our other catchphrase, keep on jacking it. I feel compelled to tell you that she has since texted me with the following message. Keep jacking it, which is the goodbye catchphrase. That's our other catchphrase, keep on jacking it. I feel compelled to tell you that she has since texted me with the following message. Keep jacking it. The formal original version is keep on jacking it. I feel compelled to tell you that she has since texted me with the following message.

I said, okay, thank you after sex the other night. I need help. That's funny. But this couple in this... Pharmacist. Pharmacist. They sound like fucking Jack Spratt. Why?

They sound like a Quentin Blake drawing. Yeah, yeah. One was skinny and shy and loved condoms, and the other was big and loud and didn't like them. And hated her husband. And thought they'd only bang it out a couple of times on their week-long trip to London. Also, she's annoyed he's buying six,

and it's like, well, you can't get them in singles from a jar, like penny sweets. Gig nightclubs you can. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Just like... Yeah, they have loads just all over the toilets and stuff I think they should make them select them like old fashioned sweets from a sweet shop

and some of those Yeah, you wrap them in some paper and some pink ones and those big green ones over there I remember seeing femdoms in the the dildo warehouse last week and they look like

like fucking Tesco bags or something that's like a bag you put up in you yeah oh why a big vagina no yeah you're like having sex with a plastic bag yeah yeah a warm warm plastic bag yeah um yeah it's really weird to me that anyone would still use them because there's so many other things you can get you can actually get like a contraceptive vagina ring well it goes up at the top right yeah or a sponge a contraceptive sponge if you like it put a ring on it yeah i've heard of this sponge thing it doesn't sound good a little sponge just means your dick's bumping up against a sponge sponge i just don't trust it filled with spermicide or something i want i want to i want to see it after in a you know in a container in a container going ha ha

gotcha suckers you thought you were getting away but you're not when you enjoyed prison when you look at a used Johnny, you're like when a villain in a cartoon catches Scooby-Doo's gang in a big net. Yes. You fools. You meddling kids. You meddling swimmers thought you could ruin my life

with an unplanned pregnancy. Well, I've got news for you. I don't know why I you. I slowly lower into a big bowl of piranhas. The condom starts moving loads. And I leave for some reason. Why do they always leave? They're busy.

Everything they've done has led up to this point. And they're like, ah, I trust the machine. It usually works. Like leaving the washing on. Just walk away. We have a shit story. Oh, thank you. We have a poo story.

That's why the nappy thing was so on brand. It's a very poopy podcast sometimes. Hi, Bud Pod pod this is from ben hi ben ben ben one of the best men oh uh absolutely love the show i'm currently on work experience and must have looked like an idiot to my temporary colleagues whilst quote screaming with laughter at the spiced whisper story in the last episode that was screaming i was laughing so much I was screaming Anyway here is my own shitty story About three years ago me and a couple of mates

Went around Europe to celebrate finishing our A-Levels After about five days in Italy We arrived in Venice Having somehow not touched booze for the first part of the trip So we needed a drink After searching around the least convenient place It's very mature for 18 years old

I think it sounds like an accident it doesn't sound like they were like well let's not drink for the first four days of Italy let's not have anything I want to start with Venetian wine that's the first thing I want to do I don't want to sully my lips with any other booze

eventually we found an awful corner shop selling cartons of red wine after consuming several cartons of the vinegary substance my memory fades and this is where the story kicks in my next memory of the evening is being sat on the toilet in our shared bathroom so memory gone and you know how cut yeah hard cut you know your memory cuts back in like a film boom you're alive again and his memory is ah, cartons of wine in Venice. Boom. I'm on the loo.

In the shared bathroom of the hostel we were staying in. So shared bathroom. By shared bathroom, he means shared with the entire hotel rather than just his friends. So it's an everyone toilet. Oh, no. All of a sudden, a feeling came over me that almost sobered me. Simultaneously, hell left both ends of my body oh there's a phrase for this in chinese is that

was just shitting out your ass and vomiting out your mouth there's a phrase in english we're not so different i don't know why i thought it would be a proverb i thought it was gonna be proverb. But it's not. I thought it was going to be at least a metaphor like, ah, the flying crane and the burrowing frog. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's clever. Is it literally just shitting out your ass and vomiting out your mouth? Well, it literally translates as up vomit, down poo.

Okay, that is better. It's like a political slogan a five-year poo plan i've done it the other way around but i want to shitting out your mouth and vomiting no the vomit was going down and the poo was going up but i'll tell you i'll tell you to finish this poo story because i'll tell you mine great Yours does sound like it needs its own. It was really bad. He says, simultaneously, hell left both ends of my body. I attempted to stand and spin around to throw up in the toilet and created what can only be described

as a helicopter of poo and vomit. Like a sprinkler. So essentially, what's interesting is that means that when he's at his most animalistic and instinctive he finds vomit more of an emergency than poo so he's sat he's sat pooing and vomiting and he thinks no the vomit needs to be more in the loo than the poo does he's flipped around he's sprayed it everywhere he's done a helicopter none of which ended up in the toilet he says oh no in my drunken state i for some reason assumed the bathroom was a sort of a wet room you know like it's all all over i assumed it was a wet

room as i noticed a dark plug looking sort of hole behind the toilet i then decided to hose the crime scene down with the shower provided in the room. After hosing the room down for 20 minutes, I began to notice that the shitty, sicky water was actually going nowhere apart from up. With the bathroom filling up, my mate came to check on me, as I had been a while. I stupidly

opened the door and unleashed fury into the hallway. Ah! The Titanic! Unleashed fury into the hallway. Ah! The Titanic. Unleashed fury into the hallway of the hotel with the brown water flooding out across the floor. This was when I realized I was in huge trouble. My next move was to begin

kicking the dirty water back into the bathroom whilst completely naked and begin to mop it up with any towel or bed sheet that I could find. Get in there! Take that! Hi-ya! Take that!

Hi-ya! A man frantically kicking turds into a flooded bathroom in a corridor, nude. Like they come out of the toilet and we're chasing him out of the room. My next memory was the morning after when the hotel cleaners knocked on our door to tell us that a radiator had leaked and flooded the bathroom and the hallway.

I had gotten away with it and I've never been so delighted. Oh my gosh. Also, the radiators were full of shit for some reason. Well, one of the turd radiators leaked. Obviously here in Vienna, Venice, we like to have hot turds on tap.

Yeah. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and it isn't too filthy for the part, not at all, Ben. Keep on jacking it. Love from Ben. That is a great poo story. That is an excellent poo story. A helicopter of shit. Helicopter of shit and kicking poos back where they came from.

Like they're sieging your city. An actual shit kicker. They've learned to fight back. I just love your idea. He's going, hi-ya! Tee-hee! That was the first one of two of episode 30. It was good, wasn't it?

That was episode 30A. Episode 30A. Yes, please. Like in maths homework when they'd say, you only need to do three questions, and then you'd realize it was question one, A, B, all the way through to K, and you'd go, you fucker.

You dog. Well, this is the same kind of line. That was episode 30A. I hope you enjoyed it. Fern will be back with us for next week's episode 30B. We're having like Kanye West style birthday.

Yeah. Stretching it out as long as we can. Yes. Yes. And releasing ugly, ugly shoes. I thought you were going

to say children. See you next week. Bye. Thank you. Bye.