BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 30B - Breadpod with Fern Brady!

Episode Date: September 25, 2019

RANK YOUR STARCHES! Part two of the 30th birthday breakdown bonanza! Phil Wang, Pierre Novellie and Fern Brady discuss bread and pasta, deadlifting, brunch and morning meat vs afternoon meat. Featuring two of the BEST EVER POO STORIES - food poisoning and bag-based! Get in touch [e-mail] or @thebudpod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's time for 30B! Hello again! I hope you've had a good week. Episode 30B here. 30B Baker Street! Ah, yes! Where Sher Poo Home lives. Sher Plop Homes! And Shatson.

And his sidekick's Shatson. Doesn't quite work, does it? No. Oh well. Fun Brady's back with us and we'll be discussing more fun poo things and heading up to your correspondence. Cooking up a storm. Yeah. Enjoy.

Bye. What happens when Batman's greatest foe, the Joker, actually tries to become a successful comedian? Batman. We've got reports that the Joker has started doing open mark nights. This is going to be a crisis the city of Gotham has never seen, sir. What if the Joker does well enough at the open mark night to be invited back to do it again for three or four weeks?

If that goes well, well within seven to eight months he could be getting paid work in regional art centres or rooms above pubs in the south west of England for example. If that goes well, he could do that for maybe a year or two and build up enough of a reputation on the circuit that he could and build up enough of a reputation on the circuit that he could command a slightly higher fee within the M25 and then he wouldn't have to go he wouldn't have to travel as much though, it would save money and around this point he could consider leaving whatever part time work or

or sort of low level flexible office job he's been working up to this point and then after that he could go to the fringe and all those crowds of people certainly well he wouldn't blow them up he'd be desperately flying but I'm sure it would be chaotic and nihilistic in some way and only Batman could stop him sir by becoming a becoming a producer or something. But, you know, the fact remains that if the Joker, if he does well, within the decade, he could be on a panel show. So we were just saying,

and I'm with Fern on this, bread over cake. Yeah. For me, it's all tasteless foam taste is hard foam and why have bread when you can have why okay potatoes or rice rank rank your starches rank your starches ladies and gentlemen rank your starches number Bread's number one. That makes me sick. People always say it and it makes me want to scream with anger. Never met a bread that I didn't like.

Oh my god. I wish I could be hypnotised into not liking bread. I've seriously considered this. That's the most fun bread thing. To pay someone to hypnotise you to stop eating bread and and as

you're about to go under the hypnotist is going you're feeling sleepy and you're thinking finally and then the hypnotist says your footsteps were very quiet on the way in no it's him it's the guy yeah it's the guy fuck that would be the thriller you know the thriller movie yeah and then he hypnotizes me into thinking his dick is a baguette but then you bite you bite it off and he dies so i've very little empathy for like alcoholics and then me and alfie brown were in dubai and he was just having his usual beers and that yeah and i was he was saying oh i would like to give up drinking and i just was like freaking just do it but then i suddenly realized

how much i would love to give up bread and i could turn my career around if i gave up bread i could be so skinny and then have you tried just having better taste? In bread. In food. And you wouldn't eat so much bread. Because bread is boring. Bread is one of the most ancient foods. Revered in every culture apart from Chinese culture. Yeah, because we never needed it. Bread is like, bread and water is the phrase. Bread and water.

They're the lowest form of food and drink or the bread is the food that you wouldn't even deny a prisoner because it's so fundamental because it's so lowly no because it's not fundamental but because it's lowly and and yuck no gruel is made out of rice isn't it yeah lovely treat phil's lovely prison treat phil's love of gruel is legendary wait so we're ranking the starches so bread number one bread number one even when i try and buy like rye bread to be healthy yeah i'd still eat it all um this is where it gets tough yeah everyone everyone knows the number one but noodles okay okay you're clawing it back query do we put noodles and pasta in the same it has come up my my my my i say up to you if if they're different enough for you that you want to

rank them differently that's okay but you can put them together if you want noodles noodles number two rice number three but that would have been different previously potatoes at the bottom i'm so i don't like potatoes i i have sympathy for that i i love it i love a chip and i love i do like a roast but i'm never all that excited about potatoes more than bread certainly more excited about potatoes. More than bread. Certainly more excited about potatoes than bread. Okay, well, what's your ranking then? Noodles? I love this. Noodles.

Pasta. But they're very close. I might as well put them together. Okay. Noodles, pasta. Then rice. No surprises here. Then potatoes.

Then way down at the bottom, bread. Really? Way down at the bottom bread. Really? Way down at the bottom. Insane. Where do we count? What's corn? Corn. Would corn be a starch?

I mean, you can make starchy things out of it. Cornbread. Yeah. That's bread. Yeah. I guess that counts under bread, doesn't it? I guess you could put crackers, and that would include like taco shells

And tortillas Okay that's it's own thing A soft tortilla I think is bread And a hard taco shell is a cracker So cracker is another category Oh wow What about Do you like those savoury Chinese donuts

Of course What are they called? Yutou? Charcois? Something like this? I know. Charsois is the pork. Honey roast pork.

Pork bun. Not a starch. Oh, yeah. The bun is a char. Is that the word? No, no. Char is just the cooking method. Oh. No, no, the char is just the cooking method.

Oh. Yeah, char siu has nothing to do with bread. That's just the pork on its own. It can come in a bread. Oh, I see. I thought it was like when you get it inside that gloopy bun. That's the bao bit. That's the bao bit.

Okay, I get you. Bao, bao, bao. I think think i'm gonna go back to china for the food yeah so it's so good yeah well my brother's getting married as well in china yeah he lives there yeah i was gonna say that's a long destination wedding uh yeah it's um i weren't gonna go back because of the it's such a pain in the arse for visas and stuff. Rank your starches, Pierre. My starches? And no, Biltong doesn't count.

Oh. Oh. Do you like Biltong? I love Biltong. It's great. I like the proper stuff. I don't like the petrol station nonsense. Mum, mum, mum. I guess if if noodles and pasta are going to be in one category

they'll probably end up being on the top thank you you see Fern but then bread and then potatoes and then rice it's a pyrrhic victory but I'll take it I thought for a second I thought I like rice actually but i you

know what i like i like egg fried rice i like when it's gonna there's oil and egg in it and then i go it's a delivery method you know whereas like the variety the sheer varieties of bread available yeah you know rye rye bread sourdough bits of olive and tomato in there, etc., etc., etc. Yeah, I know. Toast, butter. And I mean, I do enjoy the occasional novelty bread. But as the fundamental foundation of your meal, I can't do it. I did buy some olive bread once that was so olive dense.

I was like, if I wanted this, I would have bought olives. Yeah, I don't like that. This is insane. Bagels, though. Bagels. Chola, is that how you say it? That Jewish bread that's like brioche. Chola, yeah, I think so.

It's very nice. A little salt on there. Pretzels. Pretzels, yeah. Brioche. From time to time, if I go to a really fancy restaurant and they make their own bread, I mean, that stuff is insane. Oh, yeah, I love that.

But, I mean, it's so rare that... But that's like the homemade noodles, you know? Yeah. Which we'll all be enjoying quite soon. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, good stuff. I was just thinking, I love...

Is it like those hand-pulled belt noodles? Yeah, proper stuff. If you're a Niepiers Place listener, I think one of the best noodle places in London, Sian Impression, right by Arsenal Stadium. Absolutely delightful hand-pulled cyan spicy bian bian noodles i learned to make bian bian noodles because i had them in melbourne and i didn't know where to get them in london they fucking took me all day really yeah and the sauce is so basic but it was like i had to see like kitchen cupboards i'd like cut the noodles and just hang

them from my cupboard yeah yeah yeah um and it was yeah a full-on operation what's the most complex home thing you've tried to do yourself like as a food easily swedish cardamom boula what yeah what is that yeah swedish cardamom boula yeah uh cardamom bulla. Yeah. Cardamom buns. You can get them in London at this place called Fabrik or Soderberg in Soho. Or you can make them but it's... But why was it so hard

a bun? Generally I think baking's harder than other cooking because it's chemistry. And you need to make sure you get the milk the right temperature when you're putting the yeast in but also it's just leaving it to rise and then learning how to not because you have to like braid the buns to get them the right shape that's dedication to bread. Yeah. You're liking bread. Yeah. Fern worships at the altar of bread. I made churros yesterday

for my dinner guest. Did you? Really? Yeah. Don't you have to deep fry those? Yeah. Did you get all hot oil in a big pan and everything? Yeah, I'd already been, it was a bit of a pain because I'd made fish tacos for the main course. Whoa. Fern's taking us on a trip down south, over

the border. Yeah, this is what I made. I made sweet potato bean taquitos. Sweet potato bean taquitos. Who are you? I made purple potato and manchego quesadillas. Whoa. And then I made fish tacos and churros.

That's crazy. Yeah, it was for Jess Fosterkew and she was like, oh, you're like a chef. I was like, I am a chef. Yeah, yeah, you're smashing it. The food you described there, Fern, had so many adjectives. That's how I know it was really good. Yeah, I'm going to become a chef when I quit comedy.

I am also going to become a chef when I quit comedy. Are you? Yeah, I think so. What, a noodle chef? Yes. What's, okay okay is this the although is that really your your you guys think that's your dream you quit be a chef i'll open a wine bar that's one that's my dream yeah you're a wine boy yeah i'm a wine and wine and noodle wine and noodle you could you could be the first ever person to genuinely really sincerely try and pair fat the best french wines with various ramen broths um god that'd be it yeah i i don't i don't

think wine goes with broth in general it's like really hot hot liquid with your wine yeah i think it's like dry meals um but you're you're into your fitness as well fern and you're a big deadlifter yeah i haven't been for the last week which pierce says is going is very dangerous i find it i don't think it's dangerous in itself but its popularity makes me worried for everyone's backs oh i've got a trainer to teach me how to left properly but you say even even doing properly is not good for you and i gotta say yeah there's lot of debate over that but i'm well i just i have a friend who's like he's a personal trainer and he's like he's of he's of the opinion that because you know these things go in cycles yeah like in the 80s in the 80s it was all about bench pressing and your chest and like different

areas and like now we're in like deadlift era yeah and and and crossfit and it's all gonna go to a new thing and yeah he reckons a lot of people's lower backs are gonna get pretty funky because they've been buying so heavily into deadlifting yeah because i started doing it my personal trainer i had briefly because they're very expensive said um uh yeah that's the best thing i could do for my back because i have low back pain yeah so i was like okay maybe this will help uh i don't think it would i think it's putting a lot of putting under a lot of stress there are other other ways you can do your back yeah back muscles but what i found really helpful was actually working on the muscle because yes yeah

the thing is actually work on the muscles around it yeah to give it support so i did some stuff on my just side stomach muscles there and that really you know helped so but you're but you're the deadlifting queen you could deadlift yeah but i was um not now because it was last summer when i was doing more and more and more weight and then i changed trainers yeah and um because i was like i don't just want to do deadlifts I want to get like buff all over but that was more about him being like well you really should eat less food and then

I also want to learn to do a pull up so I do negative pull ups not on the machine what's a negative pull up? is it where you're like I'm so fat it's where you like just put some bread on the top you jump up on the pull-up bar and then like just drop down

for a count of six they kill it's only the the lowering yourself bit yeah yeah you lower yourself down and it kills yeah like i've actually done a proper pull-up by accident while tell it it was just have you ever done this where you're like oh these are guys so you can probably just do one naturally no i cannot i've never done a pull-up well you what usually happens is you end up doing a pull-up by accident while joking around with a friend so that's what happened to me oh right yeah i i weigh so much that for me to do a pull-up would be to expect just my arms and upper back to carry well over 100 kilograms. Yeah.

And that's not happening out of nowhere. Yeah. So I do like pull-downs to try and build up to that point. And I also do the negative pull-ups, the dips and things. I can do a chin-up, but I can't do a pull-up. Oh, cool. Yeah. So I'm on my way.

What's a chin-up? Like when your hands are facing you and it's't do a pull-up. Oh, cool. Yeah, so I'm on my way. What's a chin-up? Like when your hands are facing you and it's like bicep and chest. Oh, okay. Whereas a pull-up is like hands spread out, palms away from you. Yeah, yeah. My sweet gum's heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Covered in your mother's spaghetti.

Makes it much harder. Yeah, it does. Sexual weight. Sexual weight. The more spaghetti you put on the belly. I do it with my palms facing me so that it's like a descending chin up. Yes. Yeah. But I had my fat tested and all that after the fringe.

What? You had your fat tested? Where they test your body fat. Oh god. At the end of the fringe. Oh right so you weren't like scooping a bit out. No no they measured it. Delicious.

They pinched you all over. And welcome to the 21st Annual Adult Baby Beauty pageant. We are here live at the O2 Arena to celebrate the most beautiful adult babies of the year. And first up is last year's champion, Jimmy Magoo. Come on up Jimmy. Wow, isn't he grotesque? 5 foot 11 inches tall with a belly like a big old marble and a nappy full to the brim with adult poo. The nappy might be for babies but the poo is all man, I can tell you that from over here. Isn't he just revolting? And next up is a new challenger who's been making waves in the adult baby world. It's Joanna Steptree from Stratford-upon-Avon.

Joanna Steptree there. foot upon Avon. Joanna Steltree there, one of the new phenomenon of women interests, female interests to the adult baby game there. They are of course new in the world of being an adult baby, but boy have they made an impression real fast. Joanna there in a nappy, of course, in the diaper, pooing herself, sucking on that rubber sucker, Americans call them pacifiers, and her breasts just swinging wildly in the breeze. Of course, babies don't wear bras, so why would an adult baby wear a bra? Babies don't wear bras.

So great commitment to the part there from Joanna. And so there are Joanna's knocks swinging freely as nature intended, but as God did not. And finally, the third finalist, Jeffrey Tam-Tam. Jeffrey has won a lot of regional contests recently because of his big old blue eyes and the rather pleasant smell and shit that he pushes out of his butthole. It's quite nice. We're not sure how he's doing it. Rumors are that he eats a bunch of pineapple, and then whatever pineapple he doesn't finish, he just shoves up his ass. And that's where we get the nice pineapple-y smell from, when he does do a big ol' poo in his adult nappy. That's all we have time for, for some reason.

So join us next week to find out who has won the Adult Baby Competition. It's the 21st annual adult baby contest. Reminding you that some kinks should be shamed. The fringe is so good for like losing weight. I'm the opposite. No way. I've met people that gain weight during the fringe. And how do you do it?

Booze in? Booze is part of it, but just eating very calorie-dense meals for every meal. I'd come home to a takeaway pizza a lot of evenings. Really? Yeah, and they weren't mine. Those weren't mine either. Oh, okay.

No, but I just mean calorie-dense, like just a lot of grease or fat or just yeah comfort food every day whereas i end up skipping meals because i don't have a chance to have anything same same but my my whole my whole body uh what do you call it metabolism chemistry is devoted to putting on weight i can put on weight like you wouldn't believe i can build muscle really quickly my my body is waiting for me to become as wide as i it believes i was born to be it's like come on let's really go for this let's see let's see what will happen um so i've never struck i remember in high school even i had friends who were like you know skinny teenage boys and they were like i just can't put on any mass you know yeah and they were drinking like mass

milkshakes and things and i was like what the fuck are you guys talking about oh i have to drink milkshakes because i'm too thin all the time what the fuck are you on about i could look at a milkshake and double in size yeah easy i thought i was like that and then i just started counting my calories and i was like oh no i just consistently eat enough calories to be a bit fat all the time oh yeah no i i definitely eat more than enough but it's not a math like they were having to put effort into eating oh yeah i wish i was like that that is amazing to me when you meet someone who's like i just can't eat enough what it's it's compulsory and it's the best yeah there's a type of person that doesn't like food as well

those people terrify me what do they get pleasure from it's like Tupperwares full of plain chicken breasts people who eat to live yeah they're like robots I have fuel now

but there's a lot of people who are not people who think that who are naturally thin actually just don't have enthusiasm for food or don't like the fact I've been thinking about that Jeanne impression place since I found out

about it. They don't think how many hours is it till I can next eat a meal again. They just don't think that way. They just think like these are the people who say things like I just forgot to have lunch today. to eat a meal again yeah they just don't think that way they just think like like they're ah these are the people who say things i just forgot to have lunch today yeah i just slipped my mind on the days where i like can't have lunch because i'm too busy i'm like oh god i'm like

anorexic now and then i'm like i better have two dinners to make up for it i wouldn't want to get ill yeah yeah i have these two dinners yeah yeah are for that. I wouldn't want to get ill. Yeah, yeah. I better have these two dinners. Yeah, yeah. Are you trying to get strong for your own self-abstinence or is it to fight off the adult babies? Are you going to get strong enough to rip off a Mickey Mouse nappy? In one go. Don't say stuff that would encourage him.

Sorry, yeah. Well, he's going to switch to Phil now with all Phil's hot... Oh, no! Phil's mummy talk. Mummy help! Muscles have gone. I've not gone in a week. They deflate, don't they? A friend just kissed her bicep when it was disappointed. Yeah, but it was coated

in fat. Yeah, she kissed it and went ugh. Like she'd... Yeah. You deflate though, but you feel like you do yeah i'm gonna start um i've realized when i copy what my boyfriend eats i lose weight because he um lost a bunch of weight and all he eats is like he just eats the same food every day it's so sad i i i have to admit as much as i love food what i love even more is not having to think too much in the mornings especially so

i do eat the same thing a lot for breakfast i just i have yogurt granola and blueberries i just want to really have blueberries and oats you guys have breakfast like a an advert for breakfast yeah yeah yeah yeah i do think this is like uh yeah it's like going to have pout or something well no hers would be more fussy well she'd she'd steam the blueberries and shove them up her vagina yeah but you know what it is because i wake up so late that i need something that'll keep me going on but that won't push lunch back to 4 p.m or whatever yeah that's fair that kind of works out usually breakfast is my most baroque meal of the day that's great well because i'm like it's because they're doing comedy you're like why wouldn't you have an amazing breakfast every day that's fair what i used to have is

a thing called turkish eggs where you get some yogurt whisk it with garlic and olive oil and salt poached eggs put the eggs in the garlicky yogurt sauce you heat the yogurt up in the oven as well then you make some spicy chili butter on a pan with butter olive oil and chili flakes then drizzle it over the top of the blimey the eggs and then serve it with some sourdough toast whoa you call me fancy yeah that was the kind of breakfast i was having fancy pants and now i'm like just accept that you're not going to enjoy breakfast and you're going to eat oats and berries for a while you eat like a bear yeah and then move on to something nicer for lunch that's my that's my philosophy. I could do without. Lunch is the shittest meal of the day. What?

No. What? Lunch is the best. Lunch has the most possibility. It can be anything. No. It can be anything. Only if you're having brunch.

Yeah. Which is breakfast. No, brunch is the most dictated meal. Brunch is my favourite meal, as you know. Yeah, I know that. We go for all the brunches. we've had thousands of brunches together you're the queen of brunch it's the best it's the best because it's breakfast but usually in a nice place and your friends can come yeah and it's like a fancy breakfast fun says things like the coffee is great here, or the coffee is shit there. Really?

Yes. I can only go to a place that has nice coffee, which becomes very rigid and means you have to take Ubers to the other side of Sydney. Then we went to that place in Sydney where it was like to an industrial estate. In Sydney? Well, in Sydney where it was like to an industrial estate in Sydney?

well in Sydney on the last day we went to that fancy brunch place but it was like in the middle of nowhere oh my god my memory is so bad you had two breakfasts I don't remember this Phil's brain rot has gotten in the way of this memory do you remember what breakfasts he had? because in my opinion

avocado toast often to me just feels like a side dish. Yeah, it feels like a con. Yeah. I want avocado toast next to some eggs and meat. And a full lamb. Some of the best breakfasts in Melbourne. A lamb leg. A burnt lamb leg.

I've never seen breakfast lamb. Yeah, I think you have to go pretty Mediterranean to start getting breakfast lamb. Breakfast lamb. You've got to hit the Aegean hard to find some... It's a post-noon flesh. It definitely is, yeah. Lamb, a post-noon flesh. Yeah, it's one of your pre-noon fleshes.

Your pre-noon flesh is your pig, your swine, king of the pre-noon flesh. Yeah, the pig. Right enough. Sometimes birds. Well, the egg is sort of pre-flesh, it's pre-chicken flesh. Pre-flesh bird. Pre-flesh bird, but I mean, nothing else.

You wouldn't get poultry in breakfast. You've got to wait till the evening for beef and lamb. You had chicken for breakfast in Sydney. How dare you? You did. What did I have? We went to another breakfast place in Sydney And you had some sort of

Chicken sandwich As part of the brunch menu Or was it the place that wasn't very good? It was the place we'd been to before The year before Oh that place A chicken sandwich? Don't look at me like that

For brunch? It was like a fried chicken I've never seen Pierre this angry that place a chicken sandwich don't look at me like that I'm positive for brunch it would have been it was like a fried chicken I've never seen Pierre this angry I don't I don't remember

it was like a club sandwich no they have crazy things there like fried chicken with waffles for breakfast oh that's an

American thing yeah like they really are so far ahead of us but lunch most days

brunch technology they are though they're putting us to shame they're winning the space race one time in Melbourne I got like a square remember I got just a square of like compressed

melon with some discs of other apples with some pansies on it and a square of Rice Krispies. You can't call them that anymore. What? That for breakfast? Yeah, it was like a tenner. Horseshit. And I don't know what even the description was.

Yeah, that was the side. And then everyone was mocking me because I got some sort of tiny anorexic breakfast. You can't say that anymore. I got something what an eating disorder patient would get. But lunch, my lunch is disappointing all the time. I always get something that I feel like I should eat, like the prawns and avocado from Pret.

Boo. Well, we're going to change your mind about lunch today yeah we will our lunch is going to be a dinner food well yeah well this is this is the the the source of your misconception there yeah the idea that there is a dinner you can't have dinner foods for lunch that's why lunch is so great it's because you can have any food you want a sunday roast is lunch yeah i hate roasts do you look we don't have time we don't have time to get into the roasts. Yeah, that's true.

Let's do some correspondence. Let's do some correspondence. Ring letters. Keep emails. Email buzz. Phone call. Callers. Talking jacking.

Your sister. Keep a streetcar. Callers. Make one buzz. Ring letters. Correspondence. Fern, what was your insane sounding poo and vomit story? It was in a hotel as well.

I was gigging in Belfast a couple of years ago. And I had a... This is one thing that put me off eating meat. It was this whole situation. I had a sausage roll from a stall in the train station. It tasted a bit funny. Yeah. Went and done my gig.

Went to bed. Woke up. I'm normally very excited about hotel breakfasts but i felt very strange and uh i'd say within minutes of me waking up i started to do explosive liquid shit in the toilet yeah and then i started to be sick and the force of the shit sort of like propelled my body off the toilet you achieved lift off cape canaveral i somehow shit all up the wall behind me and then um i had a flight to get so i phoned my boyfriend crying and i was like you have to

help me i think i need an ambulance and he just laughed at me and i was like i don't know how i'm gonna get on the plane and he just kept laughing at me. So I got off the phone. I started trying to get dressed. I remember I put my bra on. And then I put some deodorant on. And the smell of the deodorant made me puke everywhere. And I puked with such force that my bra flew off my body. And then I shot.

My bra flew off and then I just shot everywhere again. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So then I started to try and clean up my shit. And then I puked. I did the shit. And then I started trying to put my brow on again. Listen, your brow pinging off is the best part of it. Play the worst burlesque show

of all time so wait that sequence goes deodorant oh I better clean this up then sex again it was terrible that's incredible

it was so terrible oh from a sausage roll i'm positive that was the only thing i had and then um uh yeah and then i got the plane well in the airport they're all really over cautious about like terrorists or whatever in belfast airport yeah so um they started to open up my suitcase and i was like i'm gonna warn you now i've shat and puked over all my clothes so maybe don't go through my suitcase and they're like well i'll be the judge of that oh yeah he was and then after he sort of realized and he just like put loads of hand sanitizer all over his hands and then i collapsed in belfast airport i got on my hands and knees

in the runway and just like puked like team america style well really like as you walk into the plane as everyone was trying to get on the plane i got on my hands and knees and just puked and people just like what just stepped over me thinking i was hung over and then they tried to stop me getting on the plane and i was like no i have over me thinking i was hung over and then they tried to stop me getting on the plane and i was like no i have to i think i was doing like a radio show in scotland so then i got the plane then i collapsed in glasgow airport someone put me in a taxi to my mom's house and then i spewed into a bag while the taxi driver just laughed he was really cool about it oh really yeah that's lucky um

fuck i'm amazed that you managed to get yourself onto the plane even though they didn't oh it was horrible i'm amazed you had enough in you to be vomiting to vomit that much like it sounds like you did well i remember i looked after it i looked really radiant because i lost so much weight from it i looked like i'd been on a detox or something. Well, you had. In a way, yeah. Well, yeah. Not with lemons. Yeah.

With a dirty old saucy roll. With a dirty saucy roll. Oh, my God. That's vigorous. Get on that, Paltrow. Why isn't she sending that to shove up your vag? Yeah. The new goo sausage roll.

All our sausage rolls are raw, and we've left them in the sun for a bit. Oh, don't. Ooh. And shove them up your vagina. She always puts things up there. Yeah. Paltrow.

Jade eggs. Jade eggs. Yeah. Weird. Very, very odd. What an odd woman. Yeah, there's been a woman giving herself third degree burns from steaming her vagina. Yeah.

She had to go to hospital for vag burns. Did she learn that off Paltrow? Yeah. For God's sake. Yeah. You'd love to correct Gwyneth Paltrow. What do you mean? Because you love correcting people. Well, I think in that case it would be valid. Yeah. She's just saying you enjoy yourself.

Yeah, that was what I was trying to say. Phil, Luke says he saw your show at Soho Theatre and managed to refrain from shouting out, keep on jacking it. Oh, thanks, Luke. Very kind of you. I've scuppered the rhythm somewhat.

Yes, and compliments you on your Japanese barber impression. Thank you. I've been working on it. We have a good email here from Jack. Keep jacking it. Yep. Good morning. Good morning, Bud Squad leaders. So episode 28, have a good email here from jack keep jacking it yep good morning episode yeah good morning bud

squad leaders uh so episode 28 yeah the voldemort anagram discussion got me thinking i'm sure you were already aware that bud pod phil wang pierre novelli is an anagram of we bud hollering divine plop rap that's exactly the podcast. That's the whole vibe. It's divine hollering. A lot of divine hollering. And we rhyme about poo. Yeah. The crazy part is it also has 28 letters.

Episode 28. It all lines up. Very strange. I'm in no doubt this is certainly deliberate. And you're both Illuminati. P.S. If you had a theme tune, do you think it would be Thank You by Dido, but with an okay added before each time she says thank you?

Okay, thank you. It does work. That's good. Koji. Giving me the best poo all my life. The best poo. That's funny.

Okay, let's see. Should we do one more? Let's do a couple more. Oh my god, we have a poo bag story. Another poo bag story. We had a poo bag story last time. No, but this is like a colostomy bag. Oh shit.

Yeah. Let's see. I'm a big fan of this. Oh no. Yeah, okay okay this is great right uh this this might be this is a bum bum highlight this email uh it's from tim tim very slim well he might be if he's put it all out yeah well this is it so tim says dear two peas in a pod, I've listened to every episode of your podcast after being recommended by my friend Hannah, someone who's always enjoyed bum bum talk as much as I have. I'm writing

in to share some revelations I've had after some pretty hefty medical interventions. He says I'm doing okay now. And inspired by the hilarious account of Phil's own brush with this sort of thing in the famous Bud Poo episode. Oh yeah. This happened in Melbourne when I had to get my poo samples.

You remember this? Yeah. Phil told the story in full on the podcast, and it's one of the top episodes. My own brother-in-law was listening to Bud Poo while he walked around New York on a business trip and was crying with laughter in the road. Your story, Phil.

I think I'd just gone to Phil's room just after he'd done his sample or the sample was still around so i feel really honored yeah yes that's also how my date found out that there was poo in the flat at the time oh yeah she has to her credit been very cool about it she listened to the podcast and texted phil going oh my god, I didn't realize you had to leave because you had a bag of poo to deliver. Oh my god. I really have an appointment to keep. Anyway. I said I had to go to the aquarium.

Did you? In a way I did. Look at all the big turds floating in there. Make little brown fishes. So Tim says, after it transpired, I had some particular nastiness in my large intestine. To cut a long story short, they opened me up and cut out a large section of it. They told me beforehand that normally they'd sew the two remaining ends of the intestine back together.

But such was the inflammation that on a temporary basis, they would divert the end of my small intestine out of a new hole in my stomach. I think stomach area rather than stomach. This is called a stoma. And staple shut the onward passage towards my bumhole. The alternative to them doing this was me being dead, so naturally I gave them a hearty okay, thank you, and went under anesthetic. Yeah, so it comes out of your belly, and then you

stick it, you attach a bag to it on the outside. Well, indeed. So, fast forward a few weeks, he says. My traditional anus. Ha ha ha ha! The old fashioned. The old way. Like Nana used to shit. My traditional anus

is not connected to anything. And my contemporary stomach anus has a smart and stylish bag accessory which is changed regularly and fits neatly under clothing. This poo bag setup is technically called an ileostomy and is getting pretty common.

I don't know about that, but fair enough. Many of your other listeners may even have one. I'm a friend who had one for a bit. Me too. Maybe they're the same friend. Well, then it is common. Well, it's only two so far. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Yeah, I don't know anyone that's got one. How do you know because one time I was getting off with this guy and then he didn't want to shag me and I now think it's because he had one of them bags yeah not out of nowhere well the only reason someone could not have sex with me

that's the only possible reason I'm Fern Brady what are you some kind of shit bag because he'd had crohn's disease before so i thought that was but yeah i was like that's god there's nothing wrong with me that's that's a man who needed the confidence of a nappy fetishist yeah what a shame that he didn't have the confidence that nappy man did yeah and i noise fell when i think people want to shag me yeah because you text me you think people fancy you but you're just gross i don't think that that is a good idea now normally so uh he says many of your other listeners may even have one now normally you

wouldn't know my poo bag was even there however because i absolutely have no control over what my small intestine might be doing at any particular time, my shiny new anus is liable to emit a series of tiny but audible farts at any time. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm talking to. Occasionally it will unleash

such a torrent of gas that the bag inflates like a balloon in hardly any time at all. It produces tiny poos about 5 millimeters in diameter pretty much constantly. And I can feel it often. I can often feel it doing so. This is an odd sensation when I'm otherwise going about my normal life. Occasionally, while someone is talking to me, I will think to myself,

I am doing a poo right now and you don't even know it. And the temptation to start giggling is almost overwhelming my sexy secret i'm doing a poo that's that makes him like a benign like good version of the nappy man yeah wait so he does five millimeter poos out his tummy i threw into the hole into the bag But his bum hole's stapled shut. No, his bum hole's not stapled shut. The internal bit is closed. The bum hole's still just a bum hole. His bum hole, but the large intestine leads up to basically...

A dead end. So where do his farts go in the bag? Yeah. Not out of his bum? No. Okay. Yeah. And so he says,

you may be thinking this all sounds like a pain and i was thinking it sounds very inconvenient but there are upsides too for the last few years i've had a constant low-level worry about shitting myself because of a few close calls when i've been caught short but imagine having a bag permanently strapped to your bum bum yeah clearly shitting yourself is no longer possible or depending on how you look at it, something you do all the time. So I worry no longer. I hope this account is not too disgusting for you to share. Not at all.

I have omitted many of the super fun poo-related scrapes one can get into in this sort of thing, in the interest of brevity. Tim, send it in. Koji, etc. P.S. You might think that the fact that my bum hole is no longer connected to my digestive system or any other part of my body would mean that nothing comes out of it anymore.S. you might think that the fact that my bum hole is no longer connected to my digestive system or any other part of my body would mean that nothing comes out of it anymore. Wrong

That's something they do not tell you about when you have the operation Mysterious. Wow he's left with that. The cliffhanger I think probably slime would come out Goop. A kind of mucus Goopy goop I I won't say who it is but the person

I know who partially grew up with a poo bag was a very active teen despite his temporary poo bag and the worst story was when he was playing cricket with his poo bag and he was fielding and someone hit the cricket ball

and he dove for it and popped his poo bag by landing on it and he was in his cricket whites so it was very clear what had occurred Match called off for burst shit bag and popped his poo bag by landing on it. And he was in his cricket whites, you know, so it was very clear what had occurred. Match called off for burst shit bag. Yeah, tea time. Iliostomy, I remembered it.

I thought it was colostomy. Iliostomy. But if you have brown on your tummy, people aren't going to be like, oh, he shit himself. They'll just be like, it's mud. Yeah, but you know, don't you? And the smell

but like tipping people off but the people for festivals though oh yeah bag yeah oh yeah um my my question to this guy because he eventually he had it all reconnected as i as i'm sure tim will at some point yeah um and i said to him well what did it feel like to use your bum hole for the first time in years your Your bum's not been doing nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's had a big old break. Not many bum holes get a break. You have to smash a bottle of champagne against your ass cheek.

Like a ship, a new ship. And what does it feel like? Does it feel good? He said it was just normal. It's just back to normal. Oh. Yeah, I was disappointed. Riding a bike.

Like shitting through a bike. It would be like machinery starting up again. And you'd hear it like, and everything started creaking in action. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turning on old taps. Yeah, like getting a heating turning a heating on for the first time in the year.

Yeah. An old radiator full of shit. Poon's the best. It is the best. Well, it the best it is the best well it is it is the best I think it makes people unhappy when they don't poo because it affects your serotonin

is linked to your gut apparently so if it's all clogged up with shit you're not going to feel happy that's the science for a good evolutionary reason the on no i wish i i wish i did um well thanks very much for joining us fern and and contributing your own very like high rankinging top three poo stories.

Really good poo stories. Oh, thank you. To be physically launched off the toilet with vigor. Paint the wall, ping off a bra, throw a... I mean, so many layers to it. I felt like we were Prue Leith and Paul Hollywood tasting a really good cake from one of the new contestants. Yes.

This is excellent. Lovely. Exactly what we wanted. Lovely crumb. Yeah, lovely I wanted. Lovely crumb. Yeah. Lovely crumb. There's flavour there and there's body.

There was throwing up. There was physical comedy. There was peril. Would you get on the flight? You know, I was interested. There was betrayal. There were heroes and villains.

Yeah. I have to say, I've since had other bouts of food poisoning and it really makes you appreciate how funny that one was were heroes and villains yeah i have to say i've since had other bouts of food poisoning and uh it really makes you appreciate how funny that one was because the other ones were quite mediocre who went in the right place and yeah all my clothes stayed on you learn from those first mistakes don't you and the cost is your worst stories but yeah clothes um but thank you so much for coming on fern and uh and people can find you

and harass you um on instagram and twitter uh yeah i'm on instagram and twitter i'm on tour come and see me on tour hashtag see fern on tour and leave her alone yeah those are the two things that fern wants yeah she wants you to see the show and leave her alone yeah that's great yeah those are the good combo of wishes and it's entirely fair enough give it to her for Christmas

yeah thanks Fern thanks