BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 31 - BitchPod

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

Episode 31! Phil loves Japan beating Ireland, tales from the road, Roman emperor thumbs including Augustus the Bitch, turn the UK off and on again, Munchetty’s hospital pass and we finally ask: where is the racist news? No Deal is like a German cannibal. What’s your internal age? Check out Phil’s dancing GIF. The renaissance artist Wangellie. The BudPod SAVES A MAN’S LIFE, or at least his dick. Side quests and pod gorging. Get in touch! [e-mail] @thebudpod on Twitter! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 31. 31 eps old, but not a single ep wiser. Hello and welcome to Budpod with me, Phil Wang, and him. Piano Veli. That's right. That's who him is. Pierre has got his South African rugby shirt on, just so that I can spot him in the crowd. That's right.

Looking as green and gold as possible. That's my mission, listeners. That's what I want. him in the crowd. That's right. Looking as green and gold as possible. That's my mission, listeners. That's what I want. Big Rogue would be upset yesterday. Pierre, you alluded me to. Japan. Japan beat Learland. Japan beats Ireland.

The two weird islands on opposite ends of the world fought it out for title of weirdest island. Which nation of angry monks? islands on opposite ends of the world fought it out for title of weirdest island which nation of angry monks is the best at this structured impact game which nation of pale fishermen are better at

running with a rubber egg in different directions I think rubber egg is a fair description. Of the, yeah. Great stuff that Rugby, that Rugby won. In a way, Rugby won. But Japan won. I'm always happy to see an Asian side cause

an upset. Yes. Especially in a sport where the stereotype is that they shouldn't be good at it. Yes. Yes. But why shouldn't the Japanese be good at it? I guess they're not very stocky. They're not like a wide set of people,

aside from sumo wrestlers. Yeah, that's the thing. People know that the Japanese can get big, but they associate that with also being very fat. So it's a surprise to see. I mean, the captain of the Japanese team was a former Springbok South African player. Oh,'s a surprise to see. I mean, the captain of the Japanese team was a former Springbok South African player.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. A lot of them live in Japan and moved to Japan a few years ago. Oh, then they give them Japanese citizenship. I think they must do, yeah.

So that they can play rugby for them. Yeah. But like more than half the Japanese side is Japanese. Yeah. But they,

I guess they have the strong martial culture. I assume that's why they started learning rugby. Martial culture? Martial as in military. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's why the Italians play rugby.

Mussolini introduced it. Oh, really? Just to learn how to take orders? Take orders. But also, it was just felt that it was a more manly, aggressive sport. You have to slam into people and be brave and be tackled and rather than mincing around just on your little legs right so the so like italians uh there you go phil's adjusting his italian interest in rugby now is a muslimi uh legacy yes yes yes yes and that's why like a lot of the south american countries can do it as well, I think, because

a lot of their aristocracy, I think, was also like Irish or something. They have some weird reason for like, oh, no, like Che Guevara played rugby at school. Oh, really? Yeah. Che Guevara went to a fancy-pants school. Of course he did. He's a communist. Yes.

Sorry, you're right. Did he go to an aristocratic boarding school? Is he a communist? Then yes. Yes. That is how that works. Yes, I seem to remember from... I think that you can buy flat caps from tuck shops.

I think that's where they get them. You get a copy of How to Sell Secrets to the Soviet Union along with a refresher bar and some strawberry whizzers. A wizard! A wizard, a communist. A wizard, Mao's Little Red Book. Wizard!

Good-o! But yes, so, big upset. South Africa beat Namibia, which they should always do, because Namibia aren't highly ranked. So that's all fine. That's on course. Wales beat Australia this morning. That's big.

If you like Australians whining, go on Twitter now. Okay, great. Great. Oh, no. It's not fair, mate. Oh, no. That tickle was never high No

It was a low tickle We lost At sport We love sport Here in Australia If any Australian listeners would like to email in And compliment me on my accent We are open to it

The email address is thebudpod.gmail.com So please send in all your compliments. All of your wonderful compliments will never be turned down by us. We can ill afford. We can ill afford. Thank you to the couple of Budpods who I know have come to

see Frank Skinner on tour. Yes, Pierre's on tour with frank skinner partially because i'm the opening meat yes and what a starter what is it don't fill up on pierre that's what i say when i come out oh really well i come out and i say all of you have ordered a frank skinner curry and i am the poppadom tray oh great that's nice so you can choose what to do with me but by god i'm here yeah yeah yeah which i think um is is uh a confident enough statement but also a sympathy inducing enough statement it's cards on the table exactly it is that's all people people just want an acknowledgement

of the fact that you know you're not frank skinner. Yeah. I know that I'm in no way what they wanted, expected, or needed. Who announces you on stage? Does Frank Skinner announce you on stage? Tis only me. So you go at the back and say, please welcome your opening act, me, Pierre. I say, what did I say? Whilst Frank Skinner's backstage getting fanned with a big feather fan.

We've had grapes in a velvet hammock. with a big feather fan. We've had grapes in a velvet hammock. And then he stands up and there's a long queue of sailors who just come and punch him in the stomach. And he's just there, braced. Going, do it again! When you say a long queue of sailors,

I was like, where is this? Uh-oh, yeah. Is he about to accuse Frank Skinner of him? Live on podcast. Live on podcast. No, when I'm on the side there, I say, we toyed with the idea of Frank introducing me on stage, and then we thought they would get more excited hearing his voice.

Yeah, I think that's a good call. And it would be an even more devastating blow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To then see me waddle on out there. It's like just grabbing their dicks and just letting go. Yeah. Oh. Hi, everyone. Oh, it's Frank. He's got a dicks. He's got a dicks and he's going and he's just letting go yeah all right so hi everyone oh oh it's frank he's got he's got a dicks he's got a dicks please welcome piano belly

exactly so i say uh uh good evening ladies and gentlemen uh did i say thank you for coming maybe i don't know i said please welcome to the stage your support act for the evening, Pianovelli. Yeah. And that seems to hit them just fine. People have a boo? They don't clap a lot, which is similar to a boo. It's a boo by omission.

A boo by any other boo would be as boo. Yeah, they sort of, they clap like so only just enough for me to get to the microphone yeah and in time with your steps right yeah they want your feet yeah clap clap clap like yeah like a sacrifice and then up on the balcony is uh yeah the queen she has does the Caesar thumb thing. I heard that the Caesar thumb thing is actually I saw this when I was young. It's actually the other way around.

If he wanted the gladiator to live, he'd point his thumb down. If he wanted him to get killed, he'd put it up. When people learn that, they think that they're doing thumbs down like you were a bad gladiator. But actually what he's doing is thumbs down don't kill him because the person who looks at caesar is the guy who's leaning over the defeated man right yeah so if

he goes thumbs up like yeah mate go ahead that's such a funny way to get someone to kill someone yeah yeah yeah go ahead that's fine cheers cheers just over the balcony cheers yeah cheers the chin up yep cheers yeah yeah if you could just kill him there doing that do you want to drink uh face you can drink cheers yeah kill him yeah you're gonna start miming stabbing you're gonna stab him yeah i don't have to come okay thank you thank you thank you it sits back down oh that's great wow they really they really do everything for you here at the Coliseum. Yeah, throwing grapes and things. Do you think... What do you think it was like if you were a young emperor or prince or something

and you had your first one? You know what I mean? Oh, your first thumbs up, thumbs down. Yeah, well, it must have been a bit spooky where you go like wow i with my thumb yeah i'm gonna yeah because like that they'll probably be when they give you your um emperor nickname like the merciful or the killer yeah you don't want to be like you don't end up being augustus the bitch by letting letting all too many uh gladiators look the phil a lot of augustus the bitches legal reforms were very they were long overdue a lot of our laws today actually based on the work of augustus the bitch the bitchian uh the bitchian code uh that we all live by now

that's why you can still park on single yellows that's where the phrase bitch move comes from outlet by now. That's why you can still park on single yellows. That's Augustus the... It's a bitch move. That's where the phrase bitch move comes from. A bitch move, yeah, it's named after Augustus the bitch, and it describes a move that is cowardly, but still sensible.

Yeah. It's still not, it's no one saying it's a bad idea. It's just not ballsy. It's just not ballsy, yeah, yeah. It's sensible, but it's still not it's no one saying it's a bad idea it's just not ballsy it's just not ballsy yeah yeah it's sensible but it's not very exciting do you want to do shots? oh no thank you what a bitch move yes a man who knows his history

it's something that Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson say. Ah, bitch, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We must, in our negotiations with Europe, be bitchin'. That's all the

Latin I know now. The opposition's plans are positively bitchin'! That's something that we should well we're recording this on Monday who knows if there'll even be a bloody PM by Wednesday

the writing of this final season of the UK has got ridiculous someone please turn the UK off and on again please the main characters. How are they changing actors so much? Oh, gosh. The casting.

They must be reading the script every day, the cast, and thinking, is my part going to still be in this tomorrow? Whoa. The cameraman must be, his arms are tired. I don't know. Let's extend this metaphor well the crossover with 1935 is getting a bit oh when will the time travelers it's good stuff yeah uh a greeting

to the guy whose name i can't remember who got tagged he got we got tagged under his tweet because he did the hack joke oh yeah and yeah. And do you see he replied? He finally listened to enough BudBud where he was like, ah, fuck you. Oh, right. That's funny. Yeah, he was like, I thought you were just tagging for some other reason, but it's because I was doing a hack joke. Yeah, that's funny. Yes.

Yes, our BudBuds are out there now, vigilant, looking out for people saying that they should turn the UK off and on again. out for people saying that they should turn the UK off and on again. Yes, a cardinal sin that we cannot begin to tolerate, to be perfectly frank. But yes, genuinely though they may not be

a PM. Well, he lied to the Queen of course, which everyone thinks is very important, even though the rest of the time they spend talking about how we shouldn't have a monarchy it's all the same people like why do we have a queen and then Boris Johnson

fucks up and they go he lied to our precious granny the queen is like do you remember in this is needlessly elaborate way of saying this but do you remember in this isn't needlessly an elaborate way of saying this but you remember in like halo or in uh like uh unreal tournament sure there'd be like one mega weapon in the map now you're speaking my politics yeah oh yeah yeah like a big old laser bazooka yeah or like a rail gun or something yeah and they would only spawn once and And basically, that's the queen.

Whichever side doesn't have it is the one that complains. Blue team has the queen. Shit. Fatality. Blue team lost the queen. Killing streak. Yellow hair lied to the queen. Whenever someone... Whichever side is fucking off the queen,

the other side likes the queen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. And then they just swap. Yeah. So if the queen came out as a Remainer, then all the right-wing people would be like, Are we going to let this old woman frustrate the will of the people? And if she came out as Euroskeic, then they'd be like,

Yes, even the ancient guardian of the land is on the side of the blah, blah, blah. It's just horseshit. She's a big football covered in jewels. Yeah, she's a foil. She's a little canvas. Romans lend me your ears here follows the latest proclamations from Augustus the bitch the following behaviors shall from now on be referred to as bitch moves if ye are at the tavern, the taberna, and it is ye's round to buy the wicker bottle of wine, a bottle of wine and ye go to the bathroom and wait till someone else buy ye round and ye come back from the bathroom and ye say, oh sorry it was my round, I went to the bathroom, did someone buy the, oh no I'll get the next one, even though you knew that would happen,

that is a bitch move and Augustus applauds ye if ye are having a fun conversation with the lads and someone says something ironically racist and you know it was meant in good fun but ye call him out and ye chastise him and ye make it weird for everyone even though you knew everyone's just having a laugh and they didn't mean it, that is a bitch move. If ye be at the Coliseum and a group of youths, teenagers and so forth are making noise and distracting everyone from the lions eating Catholics and the teenagers are throwing their pop flex at ye

and ye do nothing about it. Ye say, ah, kids be kids. That is a bitch move. If ye... oh... hmm... if ye own a chariot and ye do not cover its wheels with spikes, that is a bitch move. If ye wear underpants under your toga. That is a bitch move. If ye are confronted with a goal and ye let them go. That is a bitch move. Here concludes the newest bitch movies. On with your lives Romans

what do you think of this is going to be quite a topical pod I think have you been following what's her name Naga Naga was it Manchetti I think that's it the BBC breakfast.

Saying, because I watched the clip and they say, oh, she says Donald Trump is racist. And she doesn't even say that. Yeah, she doesn't. She's like almost ridiculously round the houses for my taste. She's very careful about it. Yeah. And the other guy keeps dropping her in it. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, sorry, can I just clarify that you really want to be in trouble? Could you say it again? Could you be more's like, sorry, can I just clarify that you really want to be in trouble? Could you say it again? Could you be more in trouble? Sorry, could you just be clear? What a fucking hospital pass. What a piece of shit. Hospital pass? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's a hospital pass? It's like if I passed you the ball in rugby when the opposition was already like running at you and was like a meter away from you. Oh, I see. So like as you catch the ball, they just smash you to pieces. Oh, so they send you to the hospital? Yes. So they're essentially passing you into a hospital bed. That's funny. Immediately.

Hospital pass. Yeah, what a hospital pass that fucker laid down. Sorry, can you just restate what you were saying? So that guy's a fucking moron. She just said that the language Trump used in a tweet where he said some democratic

what are they senators? they're not senators Ilhan Omar and congresswoman should go back to where they came from and Naga Manchetti said that is a kind of thing what did she even say? should go back to where they came from. And Naga Manchetti said,

that is a kind of thing. What did she even say? She said, as a woman of color like them, whenever anyone has told me to go back where I came from in the past, it's always been a racist thing. Yeah. And then she's saying, she's so careful, she goes, he should be careful about speaking like a racist

because the real racists will think it's okay. Yeah. It's so vague and indirect a condemnation that it's almost, and then everyone's like. Then the BBC has listened to complaints saying that she's picking a side about racism. But also, A, yes, do pick a side. And then B, who's watching that segment? Do you know who's watching that segment and calling in to complain? A racist!

You're watching that and she's going, you know what? When someone shouts at a brown woman from the window of a fucking van, I fucking go home! That's racist. And they're watching that going, well, hold on. Yeah, but also shut up because you're brown. They're not complaining because it's inaccurate. I didn't turn on the TV to be told things.

Okay? Well, I don't pay my license fee to be told things. I don't see where on the BBC's founding statement of educate, entertain... And inform. And inform that it says that I should be learning. That's what I have to say about that i only read the word entertain because i'm a slug where are the racist news where are the racist news people bbc biased against smearing your own shit against a wall and writing an epithet in it. The MSM. The MSM.

Anyone who says MSM is a slug. Either a Nazi or a pinko. Either way, you're going to murder a whole bunch of people. Either way, you have a problem with the Jews. That's the one thing the MSM people can agree on. They don't like Jews And they're obsessed with who's a Jew In what is definitely

A very healthy way I'm sure Yeah I don't think What's the problem Just going like wow that tends to be something that racists say That's just That's bad observational comedy it's so true I think people No one who says go home ever means go home and have a nice sleep

in your bed oh you go home you look tired you're working too much wasn't that one of your bits uh i don't think so someone has a bit about like well it's brilliant congrats whoever you are Congrats, whoever you are. Anyway. Yeah, what do you think? I think she was perfectly careful enough. I'm always up for BBC neutrality. And I think the BBC should not express any opinion on any world leader, even someone as dreadful as trump he has become president united states and the bbc and the bbc has a responsibility to to be complete just tell us the facts about that but and like if some if if joanna gosling on 24 hour news had had spoken that way maybe it would have come across a bit odd. But it's like it's breakfast.

It's like BBC breakfast. The whole point is that it's a little more personal. Yes. And that it's a little more honest and a little more candid. Yes, and also... And under those parameters, I think she performed perfectly appropriately.

But I also think that there is a limit to that neutrality. So the BBC shouldn't sit there straight-faced and go, and Kim Jong-un has scored another thousand points in basketball. The world leader claims that, you know, there's got to be a point where they sort of go, right, we all know

this is a load of fucking shit. Like, when it's tangibly ridiculous. But then they will, if they told the story like that, they would then go, have accused uh the premier of north korea of exaggerating his skill at basketball yeah yeah but i mean that's what i love about bbc news the most is that they give you just a little nod and a wink about about who's a fucking idiot or they'll just be like a claim that it would be defended by a bodyguard of unicorns, which are as yet unseen. Yeah, it's like, it's so sarky.

That's why I love BBC News. That's true. But I think the main point is that this was BBC Breakfast, and the whole point is that it's a little more loose. Yes, which is exactly the sort of thing that a bored, unemployed racist would watch. And then have the energy to call in and complain about it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I do... If you send in a complaint about anything, you're a slug.

If you write up a complaint and send it in about anything, you're a piece of work. Dear BBC, I was outraged. And also, like, all those people on Twitter going like, well, I'm not paying my licence fee anymore. And you go, you are, because you'll go to jail and you're a coward if you if you're just saying that you're saying that because you have you you've you've heard jeremy clarkson say it yeah or something like it's not you absolutely won't because the reason i know that is because

all the people who generally say no more license fee for me then are way too old and crusty and bad at Twitter to know how to have a Netflix account. Sure. So if they don't want to watch TV, those crusties better have a license fee. Yeah. Yeah. Stupid old crusties. Crusties the clowns. Crusties the clowns. Voting every year.

I met two people outside of the gig I did in Grimsby. Grimsby. And I think it was Grimsby. Maybe it was Hull. I mean, how much chance do you have if you call yourself Grimsby? Yeah.

It's like a name from a fantasy book. Grimsby. Where things are grim. But these two guys afterwards were having a chat to me and they were very nice. For sure. But they were saying such emphatic Brexit things that it was

even Stevens on whether or not it was a joke. Yeah. For some reason we were talking about Australian customs. Yeah. And I was saying I've seen them. Australian customs they're so strict like they drag people aside and like fling their bags open and you'll just see like an australian customs employee just like screaming into like an old asian lady's face because she's got a bag of seeds in a shoe or something like red in the face you've got to move over there like rage at this at their airport job yeah and i was

like it's fucking insane it's like a fortress that whole island they've just fortified australia you know and they will and then one of them said that that'll be us on november the first right but like like in like looking forward to it well just in that intonation so you go i can't tell all right i see i can't tell whether you're saying like yeah that's probably how mad things will go or i can't wait so i was there like haha yeah yes you have to just be very neutral about that prediction is interesting yes you did say that oh and then there's an opinion one of them followed me on twitter and i think must have unfollowed me pretty quickly if he actually looked at my feed. Yeah.

Because I clicked through, like, oh, you have a new follower from tonight, and I clicked through, and the guy's like, the guy was sharing a petition for no deal. Wow, okay. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're the real deal. You're the real no deal deal.

You're the real no deal deal deal. You're the no deal real deal. You're just going like, sign this petition to shoot me in the head. It's like that fucking guy in... I don't want a job, but I don't have the courage to quit. It's like that guy in Germany

who put out a message on Reddit or whatever saying, please come over and eat me. And someone did. Yeah, on all the cannibal websites. Oh man. That's what no deal is. Please, sign this petition and we'll eat me. Yeah. And someone did. Yeah. On all the cannibal websites. Oh, man. That's what No Deal is. Please sign this petition and we'll eat ourselves. Come eat me.

Please come eat my dick. Chop it off and cook it and chop me up into little bits. Imagine wanting that to happen to you. But imagine, like, there's one thing to say. I'm so into this

as a fetish that I pleasure myself to the abstract notion of being eaten but then the lack of logic of going like well once I'm dead I can't keep wanking to being eaten. I'll be poo I like the idea that

I'll be poo by then. I like the idea that he fed, he got his guy to eat his penis. Yeah. And then was like, oh, yeah, this is so hot. And then went to reach for his dick to wank himself off and then realised he doesn't have a dick anymore. Oh, I haven't thought this through. That's when he looked at the camera and went...

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays.

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays.

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays.

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays.

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays.

Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Mondays. Correspondence Correspondence Yes, yes, thank you for continuing to talk to us and send in

your emails and tweets and stuff. We do appreciate it. We'd have nothing to read if you didn't. We would be sat here reading the phone book like magicians or people trying to make a point or people with OCD. And we are all those things, actually. We are all of those things. Frank gets in touch.

Frank Skinner. Unfortunately for us, it is not Frank Skinner. However, someday. He'd be a fun guest. Would he do it? Maybe, yeah. Ask him in the car, would you? I'll ask him in the car. Hey, Frankie baby! Frankie baby!

Frankie baby. Frank gets in touch and Frank says, Hi there, buddy peas. After listening to your last pod, episode 29, this guy's... Well, this is... Anyway. Was shocked when you both announced you are 29 and 28 years of age. Being a 30-year-old, obviously no one younger than me should be this successful and funny.

Well, sorry, but we are, and we do. We are successful and funny, do we are successful and funny and we do successful and funny uh not gonna lie i was a little bit annoyed surely all the poo chat can only come from years and years of crafting your wit uh but it got me thinking that stuff is a lot more mature that we're beyond our years in wisdom wise beyond our Yeah, what was our material when it was immature? Jesus Christ. It was just audio of us farting and pooing. Now we just discuss it. Yeah, now at least there's commentary and analysis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. But it got me thinking that the reason people often assume that artists and comedians and bum-bum chatters they enjoy are older than themselves is because normally we all have a much younger internal brain. I think that's a very good point. I mean, it yeah he says mine personally is 15 okay which is why i still love emo playlists scrubs the tv show yeah toilet based pods and jacking it of course yeah the

jacking it never really goes away i can't wait for when it does god the things i will achieve when i don't need to check it anymore Be like Hey Phil what did you get up to today I've built a hundred different scale models Of various spacecraft And all I had to do was Feed my penis to a German cannibal I just went on Gumtree

This secret to success will blow your mind Click here Frank says Prostitutes hate him This man is eating people's penises away So that they can spend more time Silicon Valley billionaires Are having their penises eaten

So they can devote more time to their startups Just wondered what age do you think Startup is what I call an erection. Anyway, sorry. That's your pickup line. Would you like to invest in a startup? Just wondered what age do you think your internal brains are? It's a good question.

I think... I feel like when I'm traveling around on my own, I have the sort of wide-eyed uh innocence and uh gullibility of 15 okay you know uh in my professional life i have the um sort of irritable apathy of someone in their 50s oh yeah like a like um like oh i don't do that like someone who has i just get frustrated with people and stuff you know but what um like the kind of guy who has driving gloves yeah yeah yeah oh for god's sake yeah yeah come on patricia

yeah i get it yeah and when people are slow in front of me oh it's not hard that's fair i'm very old in those senses in the bedroom in the bedroom um how how old is the guy in Fifty Shades of Grey? I think he's 40, but I don't know. Okay, I think I'm around 40 in the bedroom. Okay. I'm like, I know what I'm doing now. I'm pretty confident. I know what I want.

You have a brand. I have a brand. But I'm not going to pressure anyone Into doing anything weird Because I don't really want that myself I've got to wake up in the morning And if you want to go to sleep Actually I think I'd rather just go to sleep

Yeah, okay Yeah, 40s would be my thing That's my sex age maybe Oh, that's good I don't know I'm 15 in the streets, 40 in the sheets. Yeah, you probably wouldn't want to be 15 in the sheets. First of all, it's a crime.

And secondly, well, maybe in terms of stamina, but then people don't want stamina after a certain point. Yeah, people have things to do. We're all busy. We're all Londoners. Yeah. Londoners. Londoners. In London, they have things to do We're all busy, we're all Londoners Londoners? In London They have In London people have sex

Using those chess clocks Click, your move Click Right, time to get out of the tube And when someone doesn't come quick in London You go It's always tourists yeah it's always tourists taking ages to come ever to come taking photos of everything can never find their genitals

i think my internal age yeah it's it's i oh maybe i could maybe i can combine it by saying a grouchy 15-year-old. Maybe. I'm aiming to be... If I did really well at whatever they call it, self-actualization or something, then I could spend the rest of my life as a calm 36-year-old. That's a dream.

If you could be 36, because it's just enough energy that, yeah, you're up for a party, but also you're awake early enough to go to the gym. You're not going to fool yourself into staying too long at the party. You know when it's over for you. You know you can leave at half one. That could be 3am, that could be 10.30. Yes.

Yeah. You can judge it, because you've, 36, you've had enough time to learn. You know yourself. Yeah. you've had enough time to learn. You know yourself. Yeah. One funny thing I've realized is that if I meet someone,

or if I'm with someone who's taller than me, I regress to being very childish. Because, and the thing I realized, because the last time anyone was really taller than me, I was a child. Because I'm quite tall. It's rare that someone is taller than me.

So like my friend Matt, you know Matt. Tall Matt. Lovely tall Matt. Matt is taller than me. So like my friend Matt, you know Matt. Yes. Tall Matt. Lovely tall Matt. Matt is taller than me. Yeah, he's a very tall man. But I get really cheeky and childlike around him.

Because I feel like I'm a kid again. Because someone's taller than me. That's really funny. And so I like, hee hee hee hee. I do get really silly and I get really naughty. And I like winding him up. Well, that's when you started your dance. Yes, I don't know if you all saw this. It's on my

Instagram actually, PodBuds. And it's a GIF now. I made a GIF. I got a GIF app and I made a GIF of me doing this sort of sexy dance. If we could spread it around, if people could start using it as a GIF. It's on Twitter. Yeah, it's sort of like a little shimmy plus belly dance

plus mating ritual. It's phenomen Twitter. Yeah, it's sort of like a little shimmy plus belly dance plus mating ritual. It's phenomenally unsettling. Yeah, because there's actually a lot more going on than first meets the eye. At first you think, oh, he's just sort of stepping side to side, but you look at my hips and there's actually a lot going on. There's a lot going on. It's a busy dance. And it's actually quite hard to imitate. It is.

I couldn't do it. I tried for ages. It's so difficult. It's harder than flossing yeah i wanted to be the next flossing i wanted to be the next big craze if you could just genuinely because you know you're doing well you could tweet fortnight and be like can you can you add yeah yeah is that what is what made flossing huge fortnight i think it was fortnight or one of those games where it was like a taunt, like a character taunt. Yeah. You know.

Did it start there? I don't know if it started there. But it picked up on it and just sent it. I think so. Will gets in touch. And he says, Hola, Buddington Peas. Nice.

I have a friend who is Welsh. Make of that what you will. Congratulations. That's not the Peas. Nice. I have a friend who is Welsh. Make of that what you will. Congratulations. That's not the whole email. Okay. He delights in telling a story about being very drunk in central London following a Welsh rugby victory. His friend or him? His friend.

Okay. He was so drunk that his body tried to sabotage him with a rapid brown trouser mistake. He was drinking cider. We uncovered this recently. It's got to be cider poops. Cider poops. Or IPA. Oh, okay.

I poo-ay. That's what IPA stands for, is I poo out my ass. The out my is not included in the initialization. I poo a great deal on IPA. Happily, he managed to untrouser himself in time for the offending bum protest to hit fresh air rather than his Batman pants. But the conundrum

was not so easily solved. The wipe. He had unloaded in a dark, shady place of dirty secrets, but there was nothing to hand for cleanup. His solution is both impressive but also brutal and horrifying. He wiped his ass on the corner of a building.

No, I hate it. I hate it. Stop vandalising our beautiful country. And our wonderful city. The corner of a building. I mean, it is perfectly shaped to really get in there. It's a sharp old corner. I'm picturing brick.

Yeah, so it's porous. It's got grip. You've exfoliated? Yes. Probably the first time your anus has been directly exfoliated in its life. A very smooth brown star now. God.

It's like polished gran star now. God. It's like polished granite now. God, that's desperate times. I can see my face in it. Sorry, can I just check my makeup in your ass? Now this is interesting. Joe gets in touch.

Joe, yo ho ho. And a bottle of Joe. And a bottle of Joe. And a cup of Joe. Greetings, Wangelli. I like that. Wangelli's very nice. We sound like a Renaissance master. Yes.

I think you can tell by the cracks here in the linseed oil varnish that it's a Wangelli. varnish that it's a wangeli if you look here the the chiaroscuro of the various figures the sharp shadows underneath the bum bum that's pooing it's a wangeli uh or or or at at the worst by one of his uh more talented students uh greetings wangeli i was listening to a recent edition of the pod the other day When Phil's story of a particularly terrible show Brought my world crashing down around me Oh Interesting Which show would this have been?

The one where the Guardian was in Oh As he described the process by which he inadvertently pissed all over himself After trapping a rivulet of wee-wee in his urethra yeah my blood turned cold oh sort of the piss actually really quick my blood turned cold i have been doing this my entire life oh and you didn't realize until not every day and not to a degree that necessitated a regular change of pants, but present enough to notice. I had always presumed that these were the moistened sneezes of a dejected and defective member, and kept these sordid details to myself.

Moistened sneezes. Mostly due to a combination. Golden slumbers. Moistened sneezes fill your eyes. Moistened sneeze. Do-do-do-do-do. Moistened sneeze. Wetting your pants.

Oh, fuck. He kept it to himself, right, his whole life, mostly due to a combination of shame and apathy. Confusion, by the sounds of it. Yeah, where he's just thought, this guy's thought his whole time, I've got a broken dick. And like all men, has never sought medical help.

However, Phil has given me the chance to live life anew. I will now make the best efforts to fully evacuate my willy tubes. Oh, has he been closing up his urethras and not realising it? He's been piss dribbling. Like he says, not every day and not to a degree

that necessitated regular change of pants but present enough to notice. Oh, great. But the whole time he's thought, my dick's broken. Wow. He didn't realise that the tube... It's your pants.

The elastic of your pants is closing up your wee hole. This whole time he's been like, I'm so ashamed of the fact my dick can't do its full wee-wee. That's why we have to take shame out of the equation, folks. Shame kills. People have to talk. Let's talk. Talk about it. We've saved a life. Bud Pod is saving lives.

Saving lives. People! One wee at a life. Bud Pod is saving lives. Saving lives. People! One wee at a time. I will now make the best efforts to fully evacuate my willy tubes. Good. Willy tubes, of course, another fantastic jazz player from the 1930s. Really move the form forwards.

I think willy tubes did play with brown squiggles. I think they started out together in Baltimore. Oh yeah. Willy tubes with brown squiggles. I think they started out together in Baltimore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Willie Tubes and brown squiggles. Thus ensuring an end to the pained existence of stained briefs and dampened testicles. Gosh. Keep on jacking it, Joe. Well, I'm so glad I could help Joe.

God bless you, Joe. Your nevers are drier than ever. That's incredible that you would have... Because those pants were soaked. And it was horrible walking around in them for two, three hours that I had to be out. I think depending on the angle of the dick and the strength of the elastic band of the pants, more or less we will be held back. Right, right, right.

But the sounds of it, not so much has been held back in Joe's life. Yes. I think you, in that incident, due to your distracted mindset, you were holding back a full Chambers worth. Yeah. A quart. Yeah. A full rifle round. A double shot. Of whiz-whas. An American free-pull

of whiz. An American free pull of wee. New from Iceland is the new German cannibal range. Easy-bake Iceland frozen dicks. Are you tired of having to craft your own individual dicks from meeting a man on the internet who wants to be eaten and you have to get him into your house and you drink and you maybe do some drugs and you tie him up and you chop his dick off and you cook it.

It takes forever. We're not all like grandma with time on our hands. Now you can buy a tray of frozen ready dicks that you can just pop into the oven and cook. It's only 30 minutes we've parboiled them before we freeze them. It keeps the nutrients in of the dicks.

And also there will be... We have a tray of ears. Ears and also garlic ears. Because who has time to chop garlic and the ears from the skull? Again, another cannibal fetishist. Don't ask where we get them from. They're from somewhere else. Don't worry about it.

Just enjoy the tray of hot dicks. Okay? Guten Appetit! Ah, here we go. We have another side quest from Rob. Oh, great. I haven't had a side quest for a while. In case you've forgotten, a side quest is just a little mission in life that you stumble upon unexpectedly.

Yeah, that's some weirdo voice upon you in public. Hi, PP. Hello. What's this person's name? Rob. Rob. Good job, Rob. Nice.

Love the podcast. Have been binging to catch up. Since I found the pod a week ago. Rob. Good job, Rob. Nice. Love the podcast. Have been binging to catch up. Since I found the pod a week ago, wow, I thought I could inform you of my insane scary side quest. Oh, great. I woke up and wanted a bacon sandwich

at an ex's house. I assume he means he woke up at an ex's house and wanted a bacon sandwich, as opposed to I woke up in my own home and needed to eat a bacon sandwich at my ex's house. Gotta have to get an Uber. Get to my ex's house. Gotta have to get an Uber. She always had the best bacon.

I woke up and wanted a bacon sandwich at an ex's house. I knew there was a shop about ten minutes away, so I set off a-walkin' to the town centre. I was in a student-heavy area and everything seemed fine. And suddenly a shrill yet gruff-voiced lady, a very large lady, shouted at me, Can you help me? I'm in pain! I need help! Shrill and gruff. Yeah. Can you help me?

It's Yoda. Help I need! Help I need. Please do me helping me now. Or a shrill-yet-gruff is like a Monty Python woman. Excuse me. Hello. I'm a lady. So she goes, can you help me?

I'm in pain and I need help. I looked and I thought, fuck this. I need an excuse. But before I had a chance to say my excuse, she grabbed my arm and linked her arm with it. Linked, linked, linked, linked, linked, linked, linked. She grabbed your arm and linked her own. So they've linked arms and she said,

take me to the clinic, it's not far. And I had no choice now, so I agreed. That is so much like an early side quest in Assassin's Creed or something. Yeah, where you go, oh no, my character's walking speed is so slow and I have to evade things even though I'm slow.

Terrified I would be murdered by this large, druggy-seeming lady, I walked arm-in-arm with her, terrified. Although, obviously, she could tell and to try and soothe me, she said, Don't worry, I'm not going to rob you. There's too many cameras anyway. Which is very reassuring

when someone says they're not going to rob you because they're hyper-aware of how many cameras there are. I'm not going to kill you. People would find out. Yeah. Here. It's not the right place to murder you. Don't worry.

I know where all those places are and this ain't one. It might be where we're going now. After what felt like a whole lifetime, she let go. We reached the clinic. She let go and I started to taste freedom. And then she realized that the clinic was actually shut and started shouting for me to come back and help her again i ran like the fucking wind uh bought some brown sauce and walked the long way around back so he's avoided the second part of the side quest there yeah no bonus points i wonder what the second part might have been. Yes, because she wanted to go to the clinic for presumably some sort of heroin substitute.

Yeah, and good on you for taking her there. But after that, I mean... Yeah, after that it's a free-for-all. Home time? Just to go to home? Go to home, go to the shops, go to a murder alley uh go to somewhere with fewer cameras yeah fewer cameras and uh more murder possibilities i think that's that's that's a point in the game where you have to pick the no option

sorry i can't do that right now. But you come back three years later and she's still on the spot waiting for you to continue. Yeah, and you just play a thousand games of Gwent with her on the steps of the clinic. How about a game of Gwent? Okay, they just nod, even though they're visibly on fire. Never no time for a card game.

I would love an Edinburgh Fringe show, which is just Witcher references. I think it would sell out for at least one night. Oh, there's another side quest. Oh, wow. Oh, no, someone who turned it down. Dave gets in touch. Hi, Dave.

Brave Dave. Or maybe not. Well, hello, bee-pitties. I've been gorging on your pods, which is sexy. Bursting in your mouth like ripe cherries. Phil, all I want is a lady to gorge on my pods. Horrible. Careful, my pods are quite sensitive.

Oh, my pods! Can you not? Don't do that to my pods! Please don't gorge on my pods! So Dave's been gorging on our pods and regularly sniggering and waking up the baby. Open brackets. My baby. Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Yeah, I'm glad it was just

the baby of the holiday. He says, I'm only up to episode 16, so maybe side quests won't be relevant anymore, but here it is. Now it's good to be reminded. I'm sorry-ish to say that I turned down a potential side quest. I was night walking with a buddy. Suspicious.

As in walking in the fashion of a medieval knight? Oh, like heavy steps, clanking. Cronk, cronk. I presume in the evening. Yeah, nocturnal. In the darkness. And a car suddenly pulled up next to us. A guy got out and asked if we could please drive his car to the police station

because his friend needed it there, but he didn't have time to do it. What? That is mad. We politely declined the offer with fumbled excuses, but still trying to keep it cool. Yeah, no, sorry, mate. Haven't got the time because we've got to, you know. He politely accepted that we weren't the guy's droids

he was looking for. Guy slash droids? We're supposed to be there? Got back in the car and drove off. Not a second goes by that I don't wonder about the adventure that may have unfolded. I mean, what? So he's expecting people to go, yeah, I'll... I mean, what is in that car?

Drugs. Please, surely. But then why would he hand over a load of lovely, valuable drugs to... Maybe he's just like, I can't sell these. I have to just offload. There's a body in that boot. That's what it is. My friend needs this car.

And I don't have time. But why would he want the body delivered to the police? But if his friend is at the police station and needs a car, it's because his friend has been arrested and is only just being released. Right. Right, right, right. Surely.

But also, why would you literally just get out yeah but that can't be right either right because you'd stop and go like hey can I entrust my entire car to you a random guy that's ridiculous that is mad it's gotta be a body or some fucked up

yeah maybe it's just a stolen car and it's just a way of returning a stolen car once you realize it's stolen like shit car and it's just a way of returning a stolen car once you realize it's stolen like shit this is stolen i can't return it myself oh yeah that must be it that'll be it yeah yeah yeah because the guy's gone oh shit this car's hot as they say on the streets yeah this this car's hot uh why couldn't he just just leave it somewhere um because he'd be on the CCTV maybe or maybe he thought like, oh, if they

spend all their time talking to these bozos. Maybe he's actually very considerate. He wants the car to go back to his rightful owner. This car is stolen. Oh no. Maybe he's got some unreasonable mate who's stolen it. And he's like, oh, fucking Billy. You stole the car again.

Old Billy Carjack. Yeah, and it's like, and that Billy You stole the car again Old Billy Carjack And that's going to endanger some larger thing I'm trying to sell weed Bill You're stealing cars We always said don't fuck with cars What was the rule As they keep shooing him With really nice shiny shoes

They always kick the guys up with shiny shiny shoes. No wheels, just pills. You knew the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up to my operation. No wheels, just the pills. No cars, just Jaws of drugs What else is there? Oh, there's gotta be more

No, there aren't What rhymes with vehicles? What rhymes with heroin? rhymes with vehicles. What rhymes with heroin? It's crack, not car jacking. It's not great. It's crack-a-lacking,

not car jacking. I don't know. Yeah, that's right, I guess. That's the pod. Yes, thank you so much for listening. And goodbye. Okay. Please keep sending in your correspondence and have a great week.

We'll see you next week with episode 32. 32. Wow.