BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 310 - GeorgePod, Down Under!

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

George Fouracres, actor, comedian, writer, stands in for Phil Wang! The lads discuss necromancy and Burger King amid much merriment, correspondence from Yed and others Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it, because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. it because they're running out. Otherwise we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. It's Bud Pod 310, Melbourne edition. G'day. Phil is a coward who refuses to travel across datelines. That's why he only gigs in London, Lisbon, and I think Western Sahara, Cape Verde, and that bit of Antarctica. That's where his next tour is,

vertical tour of the country, of the earth. Instead I'm joined by George Fouracres, friend of the show. Hello everyone. Who is in Melbourne here. Oh, we're exercising, by the way, our right to bear cans, which we haven't done for a while on Bud Pod. Whoa, there we are.

Like a folio studio Yes, so thank you very much George for appearing on Bud Podge we're in our sort of Australian hotel that we get to live in which is nice. Yeah, we have we've they've set us up with some real Frazier live in here is a lot of not a tough silent little scrambled eggs. Yeah disgusting breakfast Everyone's been farting. It actually makes me feel sick thinking about that combination. I have always hated those lyrics so much because I thought, okay, I don't want to have to have a salad and then eat scrambled eggs and the idea of mixing warm scrambled eggs with a cold salad. Well, it's like the um...

Is it repulsive? The moisture. But if you, you know, you get like bad scrambled eggs and there's like the moisture. You know when you get bad scrambled eggs and there's water somehow pooling on the surface. You're not really sure if it's water or that egg bogus that you get in eggs. Oh, the egg snot. Egg snot. That combined with cold lettuce condensation is disgusting. The wet part of a tomato like an uncooked tomato and also like the certain sturdiness of lettuce can cope

with heat mmm like the bum bit the white bits yeah the very freely green bits well yeah heated be like when you microwave a Big Mac and it goes like gray and like like a horrible like a goblin shoelace Like floppy and wrinkly and green. There's a sort of There's an intense heat with no steam Like the heat of from it from hell It's like well, there's only water so technically this kind of super heated rock doesn't look hot. Just wet Oh wet leather disgusting. I every time I've been to McDonald's whenever they've done. Have you have you had the Philly the Philly cheese?

That's now all I have now from adults is the Philly cheese stick. I I know I I know I like it I like that kind of thing. Okay, every time I've gone the onions have been Yeah, and they're like weirdly hard as well, actually. Everything else in the burger's been hot, and they've clearly gone, oh, and then just add onion. And the onions are so cold that they would actively be refreshing on a hot day. Yeah, yeah. Ice cold.

Yeah, they're like the onions that you get like in those little pots with poppadums. You put them in a fucking freezer. Yeah, yeah. With cheese sauce that is is very very hot like napalm hot and B there's just so much of it like it's like one you know one of the things that appeals about the burger is how like lavish which is actually like a horrible word to use in conjunction with cheese lavish amount of liquid Yeah, it's a repulsive experience and then the extra textural surprise of an ice-cold crunch

Really repellent, but the pickles very good very generous on the Philly cheese stack I The worst version of this I had, I talked about this, I'm not sure when or where, or maybe, I don't know, I can't remember where I said this. So apologies if anyone's heard it before. I ordered a Burger King, um, sort of chicken burger, and I ordered the one with bacon, and the bacon was ice cold, even though it was cooked.

Burger King, um yeah I think it's the worst. There's something um do you not like is that artificial that flavor of burger? You know when they're like it's flame grilled and then you eat it you know I suppose I must be tasting flame grilled but is actually has it actually been flame grilled? I've never seen like a burst of flame At the back of big like Gringo Just like Dragonfire. Yeah, everyone going everyone going Everyone in the train station

Everyone's clappers no way that's that's really flame grilled. So what is it that makes it taste? They've got a big tub of powdered flames. It really tastes of... They're just imported from a really mysterious merchant who lives in the foothills of Kazakhstan. Look, we don't ask how he powders flame. He doesn't ask us. But he's been doing it for 2000 years.

He gave the early Church fathers founded flame he's he's only ever appeared at those like massive corporate conferences that American companies have with like an ear mic he appears in a burst of smoky flame yeah yeah yeah he's we're very excited this year about our 3 p.m. speaker who is the sorcerer who powders all of our flame We're so excited. He's known only as Indigo He's told us that we cannot comprehend his name in our tongue So we settled on Indigo and he looks like Jafar, but he's bold and he's got no eyes And he looks like Jafar, but he's bold and he's got no eyes

Let no no eye sockets or like sealed up eyes. It's like no eyes there He's still smooth all the way down to the top of his nose, but he's still he looks like that But he's still really fluent in corporate language greeting shareholders He still refers to things in terms of like quarters He still says like q1 and Q1 The spiders in the foot it's it's looking good In fact, it's looking great and everyone that burst into really polite applause He's making really like corporate friendly jokes

Thank you. He's making really corporate friendly jokes. And later on he's just like at the bar, having like a mojito or something. Now of course, human resources mean something different when you're a necromancer. We've got human resources, goblin resources, spider resources, gin resources. He's our head of SR. And don't mistake me, I don't mean G-I-N resources. That'd be alright, wouldn't it? Ooh! On a Friday?

Of course I mean DJINN resources. Yeah, gin. Spirits of fire from the desert. Of course I'm referring to... Not the drink. I'm looking at you, Sarah. Never have laughs. Oh, and then that's them. Not the drink, I'm looking at you, Sarah. And everyone laughs, oh, and then that's Sarah. Ha ha ha ha. Ah, it's gin o'clock, it's gin o'clock.

Ha ha ha ha. He's still got that tat in his horrifying cave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't even speak to me till I've had my dog's blood That I drink Yeah in this house we have only one rule Do not disturb Do not disturb the rock It's just one rock in the middle of the cave

It's like a really like not not not a mad color, but not the right color Might be a bit blue, but it's grey. It's a bit see-through, but then you look in it and you can see another pair of eyes staring back at you. And they're yours, you know they're yours. And they're so- They're yours, but they're not in your face. There's a big sign saying bless this mess above the big part of bones of all the skeletons

that- Above is endless shelves of glass vials and tubes They've got like liquids and crystals in them all Also some of it's like, waaaaaah Just like a gas, like flying round Aaaaaah One of those really big like bell jars Yeah, yeah, yeah

I like this guy I'd love to go to Indigo's house And that's why we should all go to Burger King. Yes, sorry, I forgot to mention, Hungry Jacks, of course, where we are currently. Hungry Jacks. The Necromancer's Choice. If you use the power of the dead, then why not choose the dead cows that have been reconstituted to comprise these burgers? Can you summon the spirits but also summon up an appetite?

Then come to Hungry Jacks! You'll feel revived. We got burgers. We got screams. Do you enjoy that on Halloweens, where all companies like they'll make a little alterations to their menus or? No I hate that actually. It's a festive tat explosion. I remember like there used to be, what was the name of that?

There was like a bakery, there was like a little bakery in the town where I grew up and I can't remember the name, oh it was called Fairkins, bakery in the town where I grew up and It was called fairkins Fairkins the bakers. I remember that every Halloween they would put out like a Sort of gesture of like us. It was like cupcakes. Yeah, but they'd have like a spy like what now I must must surely be billions of like building up around the earth's core like this plastic Like spiders that's also a ring that you can put on so it was also like yeah Spiky when you put the ring on you don't really damage somebody if you punch them with that ring never clear to me what I Was supposed to think about those yeah, I was supposed to look at it go a spider ring just like from yeah

like from... Yeah, like from Spiders... Did Dracula wear it? Did he wear a real spider on his hand or did he wear a piece of jewelry that had a spider on it? Am I meant to... Is this if you get married to Spider-Man? Spider-Man's wife? Is this if you marry some spiders? You just marry a nest full of spiders? This is my wife,-nest this is my wife all these spiders oh have you met my wife spiders oh is this like one of those charming posh English names we're like no it's just all spiders what I got married to all the spiders in the world. All the spiders on Earth is my wife.

I hope that makes grammatical sense to you, because it does to me. It does. It's weird that I'm thinking, is there a consent issue there? Do any of the spiders agree to be your, even one of them agree to be your wife? It turns out they share a psychic plane. So they all agreed in a big voice.

It was horrible. They were like, yes! Psychic plane so they all agreed in a big voice. It was horrible Everywhere in every country From like them from the money spiders of the playground of England to the the huntsman's of This very Melbourne in more black widows Have you been you're not that frightened of like spiders and stuff. Are you you're sort of all right with it I mean, I don't want to hang out with them. No, I don't know. I don't think anyone wants to I don't have the phobia But if I see a big one, especially in a country like Australia, I'm deeply fearful. We're worried I'm deeply fearful of even the sort of smallest kind so being here is

genuinely been nerve-racking for the like the last like trying to get Arrived yesterday, but gearing up for coming here because the big one the Huntsman yeah which is the one that's like as big as like a cat it is actually here in Melbourne apparently you can occasionally you'll be like oh Jesus and they'll be like one in a shop like buying cigarettes or something you get on the bus and the only seat available next to a huntsman's. You're like, oh god. Reading the paper. But now you think, if I don't sit next to it, it'll think I hate it.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. Which would be true. But everyone else on the bus will judge me for being bigoted. Yeah, exactly. They're like, ah, somebody's never ridden the tram next to a giant spider before. I can always tell a tourist, I sit next to the Huntsman. You go, I know, I know. I'm a Rube. out-of-town Rube

One of those spider scaredies. Yeah I Know I don't I'm not a huge fan. Hmm. I will say as well I'm gonna try and equalize this but because we're just sat in a room using a yeti mic the levels might be mad So if you're listening and you're thinking, gosh these guys are sprinting to different points in quite a big blank room. I appreciate that, but this is the only way to do it. And this is my first podcast record, I think. It can't be ever.

Yeah, I think it might be, you know? I've not been like a guest. I've certainly not not filled in the shoes of someone like Phil Wang before but I've certainly never guest hosted a podcast is that what I'm technically doing yeah I think well guest hosting I could believe but at all I don't think so no I don't think so I think this is the I've done I've done improv podcast that counts yeah yeah yeah I mean this is I've never been myself on a That counts. That counts, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is...

I've never been myself on a podcast before. I think it's because you were always in Sketchworld. And a lot of stand-ups now, including stand-ups who I've known for ages, will come up to me and talk to me about you. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's happened quite a lot. They go, they're really angry with you.

They hate you so much They keep asking where they can find me Demanding your address from me. No, they because they've seen you in one man musical We should say you're here with one man musical of Flo and Jones Yeah, and they've seen you in one man musical or in the case of I think Reese James you on his radio thing Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah So people like Reese because of the radio thing and a lot of other people because of flown Joan are just so like

You know, yeah, this is a hateful thing to do to you But they say George is really really funny in a kind of you know in a way that suggests the correct mixture of sort of pleasure and fear Which is good for when someone's if a comedian thinks someone's funny. They should sound a bit afraid And I think they do well. That's very kind Yeah, but then that now you'll be on to the podcast because now you've met all these people and during Melbourne You'll meet all these people and everyone's got one. I've longed for the day I've looked to the dawn to see it talk about booze and wheeze

On the internet perhaps soon. I I too shall be sat in a in a baseball cap Perhaps I should laughing uproariously at my own jokes I'm finally finally host a show about how people become successful necromancers and interview them Yeah, so the diary of a necromancer Two sorcerers drinking Huel together. Yeah. Why you don't say that? What's in there?

People don't just get it started. It's the hardest thing, isn't it? It'd be quite good. What are you... Is that a potion? Or it's Huel? Oh yes! A very time-saving thing. None of them want to talk about the fact that their dads were also necromancers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Or that they vastly overstated the size of their skeleton armies. Yeah. If you really... Big secret, I don't have anywhere near that many rubies.

I haunted rubies largely tied up in assets. I actually quite enchanted rub Ruby poor, in real terms. It would be really harsh to say to them, wasn't it more of a skeleton brigade? Skeleton regiment, let's be honest. It was really more of a skeleton gang. More of a skeleton. It was more of a, I guess, a retinue? Or posse?

A skeleton bodyguard. It's just one, it's one skeleton. What do they call, What does a rapper have? an entourage yes Skeleton entourage, but that could be huge a skeleton to rush a skeleton to rush up Perhaps 12 zany particularly zany characterful skeletons with a skelly rapper Skelly a skelly hype man, it's getting like two skelly hype men to this gilly They only rap about skeletons. Yeah, they rap about calcium

They rap about having not being able to really rats in the rib cage That's good. Good song title. They just don't webbing the ice bucket They do some funny stuff about not being able to hold their drip their beer Yeah, and you can't hear any of it because they've got no vocal cords or tongues. It's so it's just like It's the clacking of ancient bone dusty clacking It sounds like Absolutely loving it. Yeah, but you also can't hear what they're gonna hear their appreciation You can just hear the clacking of them cheering.

And moving their arms. If you walk past that venue, it sounds like in the 02, there's 10,000 people playing the Cockney Spoons. It just sounds like they're playing spoons on their thighs. One of the security guards goes past the thing, and he's like, It's a tap dancing festival. They're on tonight, but there's nobody on.

He looks through one of the doors. Oh, my sweet. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I And they all stop. And he slowly closes the door. And then he's still listening really intently at the door. And there's like silence. And then he just hears again. Kicks back off. He's doing loads of like dis-material about the security guards, but he'll never know. No, no, he doesn't understand.

But they're doing some really funny stuff about how he's got these company meat They do some really good stuff about how he's got like such a disgusting meat mouth how pointless his eyebrows are Making fun of the fact that his organs could betray him and kill him at any point They think it's really funny Skeleton humor is very dark Obviously, it's really very gallows humor. Some of them have actually been to the gallows. That old.

For them it's observational. They do loads of like, loads of like, in jokes about like the ones that have been like hanged by the British army. And the ones that have been like buried by Egyptians. Yeah, that's their kind of

like or like living people drive like this skeletons drive like this they do a lot of that a lot of splitting up the groups you know like death jam. Like some mummy material. Death jam. Death jam. That's it what's called, Death Jam. Death Jam. They're all like coming up and taking turns. It's an awful place to do a guest spot as a living comedian. Fucking hell. So bad. You just think it would be nice to do it

just as like, just to see, but it's no good. You can't tell whether or not they're finding your material funny, because they're still making roughly the same noises. Yeah, you can't tell good clacking from bad. Are their jawbones moving in a positive way? You have to have his friend who's half skeleton. He's a mummy.

He's a mummy, yeah, yeah, he's a mummy. He's a skeleton, but he's still got stuff wrapped around him so he can kind of... And he'll say, they're loving it, keep going. They're all well into this. You're nailing it. I'm telling you. Then you do something and you hear more clacking and you look over and the mummy's shaking his head. Too far!

But when the mummy shakes his head his outstretched arms have to move as well. His whole body moves. Like the starting credits of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? So he's um, I realized the other day why Scooby-Doo always had to investigate theme parks at night. Not just because the ghost appears at night, but it had to be at night and the theme park had to be closed. Because otherwise they'd have to have done more animating. And the animation was so cheap that it would have bankrupted Hanna Barbera just to do like a single scene of a busy theme park.

One crowd scene of like four people queueing for like Nemesis yeah, it was like horrible little dot eyes And saying like wow I can't wait for ice cream with mouth animation that makes one sound visually one sound also Have you ever noticed that like In those cartoons the more good-looking a person is supposed to be the fewer features they have Yeah, like Daphne and Fred have got like quite few features They've got they've got like little tiny circle eyes and like blank little heads Yeah, and then like Shaggy's got like a big weird like

Absolute like bolly chin. Shaggy's got bags under his eyes. Yeah He's so knackered from whatever fucking drugs he's on He's exhausted from from the the psychic effort of interpreting his own dog's voice when when when is When is Scooby-Doo? Such a good question They've got cars and they've got hippies Yeah, so it has but is it like the 60s where it's like look at these mad new maniacs Which is the hippies or is it the 70s where it's like this is what a lot of people think it's doing

Yeah, I think it's when Hitler you're right. I think it is when hippies became a joke Yeah, cuz if you did a kid's cartoon with hippies in the 60s It feels like Nixon would have had something to say. Yeah, you know, they're showing our kids these filthy beatniks They're gonna drive around the country looking for ghosts. It's devilish. There would have been this huge mad speech. They're gonna harangue so many innocent janitors. The black ball and the blue collar American wugger.

They're gonna think they're all werewolves or swamp things. I won't stand for it. They just want to shut down the theme parks because they're a bunch of goddamn commies. They're fine businessmen. They invest. Some of my friends own those theme parks. In a, probably like Watergate tapes,

he's got a secret meeting. He's like, as you all know, gentlemen, theme park owners association is a huge donor We've got to shut down this goddamn dog. Introduce our first speaker. Mr. John Thorpe Park The sort of double-barreled New Yorkers or Connecticut men or Virginian men. Yeah Now see here, I'm my great great grandfather Silas Van Thorpe Park, my name is Thaddeus Rollercoaster.

And it's got a hyphen. From Louisiana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Raleigh-Caustet or something. No, I'm not one of these fancy theme park owners from back east. It's Raleigh hyphen costeur. Two ancient English and French families in Louisiana.

How did your family end up in Louisiana in the first place? That's not important! The main point is, in roughly 1860 or so, we invented the very first terrifying car on stilts. invented the very first terrifying car on stilts. And ever since then. Initially the ghost train was used to frighten liberals into leaving town. But eventually it became beloved by children. We used it to scare out the superstitious Irish when they arrived.

We would force the Sicilians onto it. They really took to it though, actually. It became an integral part of ghost train culture in those days. And that's why we're happy that America has become the melting pot it has. The modern Raleigh-Coster family is very open-minded. All the kids have been sent to very nice liberal arts colleges in very nice little villages in town. Again, in the 60s.

So a lot of their kids are like, they've become more Shaggy-like, even though they all come from Raleigh-Coster. They're famously photographed protesting Vietnam War, like Patty Hearst. They're famously photographed protesting Vietnam War like Patty Hearst. They're all like in they all airs and air esses They call they all they call them like long hairs or something cuz they're like long haired Yeah, it's making fools in this country. There's a Nixon would call them long hairs and draft dodgers and Long hairs is such a medieval term for a group.

Long hairs? Like the least rebellious thing you could possibly do. Just like, I've just waited for a bit. That's all I've done. Boiling with rage. All those interviews with the Beatles, you've got like a schoolboy's- Yeah! A schoolboy's mop top and everyone's like, do you like looking like a fucking girl?

Their first press conference in America, they're like, any chance you boys are gonna cut that hair? And they've just got like literally just like like a Playmobil man They're just like a like a cube of hair on the top of their head. And then you look at all the Americans It's very clearly been cut. It's almost perfectly cut. Yeah. Yeah, it looks like Yeah, like it's not like, yeah, like... It's not a meat. Like a primary school teacher in the 90s hair, just like a sort of severe bob. Yeah.

Or a choppy crop. Even in like the 90s, if you showed up to quite a strict school, their haircut, they would be like, yeah, it's off the ears, broadly. That's pretty much what my haircut was like until the age of about 14 maybe when I decided to like add a parting. If I let my hair- It's just a shapeless mess. A helmet.

Yeah, just a helmet. No, my hair becomes a helmet if I leave it long enough. It just becomes like a 70s newsreader's fucking butt-proof helmet. That's because you've got a good strong hairline. Yeah. If I have to be sort of, these days with mine it's like, I'm kind of okay, but I've got that sort of Nicolas Cage thing where it's like, I'm kind of okay, but I've got that sort of Nicolas Cage thing where it's like a widow's peak.

I have to sort of, I think I'm okay, and then it turns out I've just arranged it correctly, like sort of redoing a florist's display. Or like, kind of cover that, and then like the window, blah, blah, blah. Ooh! So I look like a razor head, and it's just like flying in a big column above my head.

I've had a few photos recently though where I've I've thought to myself. That's a real column of forehead. We've got there Well, you want is in what is it is I can't tell if my forehead I'm just noticing that I have a very lot big forehead now. No, you honestly you got I think it's gone back by maybe half a Centimeter. Yeah, but then that's just that's just normal. I think like it's something like 80% of men lose their hair I'm primed for it because I'm amazed that hasn't started already and the reason I think it's starting or could my Mother's brother was bald. My dad's brother is bald right both grandfathers were bald. Mm-hmm There's no way I'm getting out of this prison alive. It's the maternal side isn't it? It's supposedly but I don't is of this prison alive. It's the maternal side, isn't it? Supposedly.

But I don't, is that like true? I don't know. I looked it up and there was like a debate about it. It's a bit of a truism. I just think it's basically nearly everybody. Like if you hang on to your hair beyond the age of 60, you've done very well. Everyone loses it to an extent. You sort of have to because it's how your body works.

Although my dad hasn't. He's one of those. Yeah, your dad's got a body works. Well, my dad hasn't. My dad hasn't. He's one of those. Yeah, your dad's got a perfectly normal, fine, good head of hair. Yeah. My dad went bald when he was 19. Yeah, my uncle started going bald when he was around 19. But he managed to... That's early.

He staved it off with coconut oil. Really? He would massage coconut oil into his head, like, every day, to stimulate the hair follicles. And he did go bald eventually, but the rate became much different. I've kind of, I've been a slow exit, but it's a definite exit. It's on, like, by the time I'm,

I remember saying to myself when I was like 22, which is mad to me now, but even at 22, I'd noticed that it had gone back a bit, was like I was like I've got until I'm about I reckon I'll be completely bald by the time of 35 and yeah, my girlfriend was like no you're I don't think you've got that long to be Cheers Now I'll be 35 in October and I'm still it's still there. Yeah still all there Would you consider would you consider the surgeries?

I think if I was a billionaire a friend of mine She a billionaire than I would consider a friend of mine's done it. Is it worked? Yes, they've but then what they did was them. They did it when it was the front Yeah, so they got the front done and that looked good like to the point where you wouldn't really know that they'd lost their hair And then but then it still kept going Where it had been fine at the time of the solution? Yeah, so now they've had to do the crown, right? They've had to do it again. See that is where I have been very lucky because the crown has in no way receded It's just the front. It's like just the front is gonna like back, but it's like a sort of

Resilient line of red coats in the Napoleonic War Gradually retreating backwards, but the back of the line isn't really thinned. There might be one stray cannonball It's just the front part so I think if I did I might just like Other than that, it's just the front part. So I think if I did I might just like plant. Have you considered photoshopping a photo of yourself to see what you'd look like with a shaved head? Because this friend of mine, you have to shave your head before the surgery. And he shaved his head and he was like, this actually looks pretty good. Because he'd grown a facial hair. Yeah.

And once he'd done that, I think that's useful if you could say, no there's hair on my face now. I think once I'm the age that I can that's useful if you could say, no, there's hair on my face now. That's balanced. I think once I'm the age that I can always have facial hair all the time, then yes. But I'm not currently at that stage. Obviously, for like acting roles and stuff, you have to sometimes just shave. And then you have to go and do the play, and then you go back into the real world, and then you see to you go and do the play and then you go back into the real world And then you see your face, but there was a point where I was doing a play That you can see a couple of years ago

William Shakespeare's the comedy of errors. Yeah, and we set it in Shakespeare's day when he wrote play in the late 1590s So I had to have a 1590s haircut which does not look good it's like only only scissors and like short but also not in like any artful way just like again like blockhead but like everything just sort of long in all the wrong places and short in all the wrong places and a goatee and I looked absolutely terrible I look like David Brent but somehow like less appealing than David Brent and that's like a terrible thing to think

about yourself as you walk past a shop window or something. I look like a character is never nice. I look like when someone else dressed up. Yeah and it's also like weird headspace to be in, to be like, this'll all make sense again as soon as I put those big pantaloons on and that that bodice and that skull cap and then find and my tights and my pointy shoes and then I'll look normal again. Like, right, I can't, in a t-shirt with this is really... My face only looks silly if you don't see me dressed as a Venetian merchant. Okay? Take that, bullies.

Shows how much you know, people who are currently beating me up. How about that, you clowns. Forsooth. Now we should do some correspondence. Oh yes. Letters, emails, phone calligraphy, tweets, your sister will never forget. Correspondence. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth.

I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth.

I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth.

I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. I'm talking to Jack in your sister's mouth. recording the other podcast I do with Frank Skinner and Emily Dean. Frank said, and I was really laughing. And he went, I mean laughing. Sorry. Like his brain just went full back to the black country. So this is from Yed. Dear PP and Popo and Fufu. So I guess you stand in for Popo or PP. Fufu is Felipe. He's also not here. Yeah. So I guess Fufu could be four acres.

Yeah. George Fufu. Yeah. let's pretend that for a while. Okay, your Ppo is Porge. I'm Ppe and you're Fufu. Fufu Okay, I was at Fufu with a pH or Fufu with an F with an F. Yeah, that must be Felipe then Yeah, yeah, we'll say Porge, Fufu, four acres. Yeah Yed, Yed caveats, Phil won't understand this. Oh, she's like, bloody off the bloody world, mate. Know what I mean? I think you will understand this. It's about misophonia. Okay, yeah. And you definitely have a hatred of sounds.

Yes, I do, yeah. Yed says, I'd like to draw your attention to a new-ish and horrifying public transport menace. Overnight oat cunts. Are you aware of what overnight oats are? Is that where you like, you make your porridge, but you just leave it in a pot or something, and then the next day it's done? The process of the dry fragments turning into fluffy oat time.

Fluffy slop. Yeah. Fluffy sloppy. Is now not done through heat, but done through the sheer oat time. Fluffy slop. Yeah. Fluffy sloppy. Is now not done through heat but done through the sheer exposure time. Look about the couscous. It absorbs overnight. Yeah. So there's no heating at any point. Mm-hmm. Horrible. Yes. So overnight oatcats, they fill up their little glass jar with oats and milk and chia seeds or whatever it is that those deviants eat. They leave it overnight until it's turned into gelatinous slop, and then they pop it into their bag before they leave the house that morning.

Then they get on the train and sit behind always innocent people like you and I, open up their little glass jar, and using a metal spoon that they've brought from home, I already feel sick. Already. Noisily gobble up the revolting mucolyge with slapping and lip smacking.

And this is my least favorite bit. Extensive scraping out every last scrap of the bottom with their metal spoon. That is horrible. I have said to my fiancee, I've said to her, Congratulations again. Oh yeah. I've said to my fiancee, I've said to her... Congratulations again. Oh yeah.

I've said to her, the way that you eat rice is mental. Because I hate the sound of the clanging of a metal spoon on a ceramic bowl. I've developed, if I say so myself, George, a very graceful scrape. Yes? What? No friction. Just a swoop? Almost no friction, just a... Like a lovely sliding door in a... in a Muji.

Or Star Trek. Yeah. What my fiance does, and what most people do, is they strike the bowl with a spoon, clong! At the sort of arse of the grain of rice they're trying to scoop. is they strike the bowl with a spoon CLONK! At the sort of arse of the grain of rice they're trying to scoop and then they scrape But it means that if you were to scrape like 11 scattered grains

into a single mouthful it's clonk clonk clonk for all of them and it's like being in a little fucking belfry That's... yeah That drives me mad This is what's happening here Scron's cool. It's cool scraping school You know weirdly yet. I tell you this and on our flight here

Well, we we both flew here, but we didn't take the same flight and on the second leg. I was sat next to an otherwise absolutely lovely gentleman who lent me his pen at one point to fill in the Sudden and terrifying border card that you have to fill in about five minutes before you land Swear to God, I'm not bringing any seeds Promise you haven't got like nine frogs in my bag or that traditional instruments from another country in my bag. Traditional instruments from another country. Have you got any instruments made of rattan or straw? What is going on?

How many shamans are coming? I realize they know what it is. How much powdered flame do you have in your bag? But yeah, he was, weirdly we were having this conversation earlier where I was talking about how I'm not a sweet things person and I being presented with a disproportionately large pudding with every meal that you get given on those long call flights.

And it was like these big pots of cream. And three of these, we went three meals with it was like a 13 hour flight, which I hate anyway. I don't like long flights. I've not taken many of them in my life, but I do hate them. And I go mad from the boredom and from having to sit still for that long. But the pots of cream and the second,

I think, giant pot of cream, he ate by like putting it up to his mouth and like Shoveling the slop like near to his lips and then extending his lips and then just sort of Inhaling the cream through his pocket lips like he was eating Jelly in the way that you see like American kids eat jelly on like American TV shows. And I can hear it like through my headphones and literally I wanted to put my fist through the plane window so that we all got sucked out into the vacuum of minus 50 degrees air. People forget that even on a plane God can

still see you. Yeah. They think they're flying above where the Lord is and they can sin. That's not how it works. He sees all. Yed says it's like sitting in front of a goblin eating frog sport. Oh. And it's horrible. That is exactly what it's like. I genuinely think I'd be less upset if someone sat behind me and started quietly wanking. I would prefer that. You've seen Nosferatu. I have prefer that. You've seen Nosferatu. We've talked about seeing Nosferatu. Yeah.

And weirdly, the worst part of that film for me is the scenes where he's drinking blood. He's like gulping his own. Gulping blood, like, but the sound is so close to your ear. It's like being like sat next to somebody who's drinking like a pint of custard like into and it's like wet and also but also slightly solid it's like squelchy and wet and like the sound of it like going down his throat sounds like he's someone like

drinking like 12 litres of milkshake in one go yeah it's disgusting it's like he's drinking soup out of the bottom of a big plastic bag yeah yeah yeah he's having to really suck it through time yeah and he's like got his like it's like Claude Hamlet cupped around the sagging vessel of the bag and he's like pouring it down his horrible throat it's so disgusting it's so horrible and funny to me the spoiler reveal where you see his like, bony little bum. Yeah. And his like, horrible frog legs.

Yeah, his little bony ass, and his... His little frog legs. And his twiglets, and his... You just heard him like, drinking, like a hippo drinking. He's got legs the way muppets have legs. Sort of hanging there, these fabric... Yeah, it's like when they use a special effect to make Kermit ride a bike. His legs are essentially tassels.

And Kermit's legs are clearly being powered by a motorised bike pedal. But you operate it by remote control. It's like a philosophical question, isn't it? Who's pedalling who? When it comes to Kermit... If Kermit rides a bike... Is it not the bike that peddles the frog? As Voltaire said. Um, let's see.

And... We've got some menu wackaging. This is from Sam. Who says that I'm just going to open this link from Sam, To my big hungry boys, I'm currently planning a weekend of eating and drinking with my best friend in the Lake District. It's one in the many, it's one of many in the history of our friendship both in the UK and overseas and I have never been more disgusted reading a menu.

It's just loading. Come on. I'll say one thing for hotel internet. It works when it decides to work. Yes. It's quite whimsical. It's very whimsical. It's like the internet version of someone riding a penny-farthing in a top hat. Ooh, what's all this about? I don't care. I'm sort of going fast. I'd rather just a straightforward version. It's not the food itself. I've never more discussed than reading a menu.

It's not the food itself that causes unimaginable pain and distress, but the abhorrent use of the cheeky language, a carefree attitude towards grammar and punctuation and the restaurant, the restaurant's inconsistent approach to writing its own name. I don't think I'll name the restaurant, but I will say the menu is called Our Crafty Menu. Oh no, thank you. Yeah, so there's a pizza section to this. Mm-hmm.

Our Crafty Menu. The pizza section is titled Pizzas, pizzas, pizzas, pizzas, and more pizzas. Oh. And then immediately underneath, did someone mention pizza? You, you mad cunt. Ahhhhhhh. Ha ha ha. And then immediately underneath did someone mention pizza? You, you mad cunt. So all the pizza names, you'll like this George, they're like fun jokes about what's on the pizza.

Sure. Yeah. No animals were hurt in the making of this pizza. That's for the one that's meaty-tamy. That's for the one that's dee-dee-dee-dee. And the one that's covered in meat is called not for the vegan hearted. Cause vegan rhymes with fair. Yuck.

What do you think the pork pie is called? Pork pie? Yeah, so here's the description. A pork pie served with baked sourdough bread, fresh salad and sweet chutney. What's the title of that one in the other section? Oh, is it called something like... The section is entitled Bits and Bobs.

Ugh. Yuck. It'll be called like... Ooh, Melton your mouth Mow-bree. Brackets where pork pies come from. That would be better. It's called Porkin Pastry. Oh. But like Porkin is spelt with like an abbreviation to replace the G as if they're describing Fucking a piece of pork in or can paste

So what are you inferring there? How like I already thought by saying pork in pastry they had managed it's like they've got a focus group and gone What's the least appealing way we can sell this? Yeah to people as a fuck to pastry. Yeah, but actually adding making a An active verb is horrifying. Okay, so a lot of the titles are like riddles or perhaps what Gollum would call food for humans Sphinx yes Sphinx menu. So what do you think? crisps with stuff on them. What do you think that actually is?

Loaded nachos. You got it. You got it. Well done. Sunburnt piggy skin. Yuck. If that's bacon I'll be furious. No. It's more literal than that. Sunburnt piggy skin. Oh, it's like crackling us.

Yeah, it's crackling. Sunburnt. Sunburnt? How do you make up for those cracklings? We've made a pig sit in the sun until it's become crackling. We left it on the pavement for weeks with no food or water. We've just done the cruelest possible thing. This is more Gollum-like. Squeaky things things long and thin

What Gollum calls eels He's like dancing when he's in one of his good moods Horrible, it's what he calls like the horrifying centipedes that live under the Misty Mountains that he like kills with his bare hands I saw just dashing them against Jagged rocks. I think that one of the best ways that they've made Gollum so unappealing, they've dehumanised him is when they make it very clear that he hates cooked potato and only eats fish raw and you just think, okay, I can't tolerate this.

Well, he just sees a potato and scream So you eat fucking rubbish You eat you're gnawing on little cold spines and he loves it Yeah, he's got the same attitude as like sort of particularly Bossy auntie or grandma in a kid, when you make traditional food, where they just like keep tutting over your shoulder or like rearranging things in the oven when you're making them.

That's Gollum with like raw hair and roots. You just showed him like a really nice pie and he's like, blah. You turn around for a second and golem Moving like the the old tin pot around Golem the fuss golem the control freak yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah risking it Skin I won't it'll be fine. It's gonna get a skin and then you'll be sorry

Just leave it be really think squeaky things squeaky things long and thin and Crying like fried party poppers Squeaky things yeah, what's what's squeaky in the mouth? Well, is it just like sausages or something halloumi oh these are like halloumi grow up squeaky grow up like a three year old written the menu I hate like infantilizing stuff cheese things long and thin it's just mozzarella sticks yeah this one's quite gross it's it's it's baked camembert it's called let's

get down and gooey That is disgusting. Yeah, that is literally I am I am inserting My penis into a hot I put melted cheese. I've put I've put come in this yeah That's what the chef's saying. I've had sex with all this food. Yeah, I hope that's fine The hot dog section is called crafty dogs crafty dogs crafty dogs meow Which is I don't know what that means chili willy That's one hot dog pull my oinky oink whoever was whoever did this was definitely had dropped a pill There's absolutely no question in my mind that they were like the vegetarian hot dog is called pull my banger from the dirt that

sounds specifically someone asking to be interrupted during anal sex. Or my banger from the dirt. It's horrible. That's horrible. That's like, like stop me having sex with a patch of soil. It's um, it's, it's one of the more disturbing lines from like a Nick Cave song.

Yeah. Because you know how like a lot of the lyrics are like, what it's like to be in love? And then every now and then he'll have something like, I've got a fetus on a string. It's a horrible line. Yeah, it's like one of those medieval- Pull my banger from the dirt. Pull my banger from the dirt. It's like one of those medieval stories

Where you're like, oh, yeah, this is all oldie and weird and then you get to a bit that's sort of You forget that oh this was written 700 years ago So I can't internalize what this person was talking about and they're like Auntie did find the gardener. Auntie was putting his member in the sil., Ante said, Banger. Pull me banger from the dirt. Pull me banger. He put his banger in her dirt.

You're like, fucking hell, Chaucer. You dirty old man. Yeah, that's it. It's very dirty. It's just Chaucer. I told you, did I tell you my favourite, like, disgusting medieval, my favourite disgusting medieval thing? I think you did I tell you my favorite like disgusting medieval and my favorite disgusting medieval thing I think I did well, let's save your most disgusting medieval thing for the bonus part. Yeah Patreons, you've got a hate to hear this kind of

We've we've George and I have shown you a bit of bollock And a bit of bum, but to see the whole thing Do you think there'll ever be a point where men are objectified enough to get hired for sex by just flashing a bit of ball? I don't think so. They're just not very appealing body parts. But we'll find out in the Patreon. There's a market for everything. That's a good point. That's a good point. Thank you guys for listening. The plan is to do a bunch of Bud Pods from Melbourne over the next few weeks. That's the plan.

And other than that, we will talk to you guys next week. Uh, unless you are a Patreon. In which case, we will talk to you on Friday at 5pm. My paperback is out. Uh... If you are hearing this, because it's coming out on the 27th, which is Thursday. So for the love of God, please buy a paperback.

I swear, I'll make it up to you Anyway, I advocate for this also. Yeah, please buy a paperback and if you're in Australia or Melbourne or whatever Hopefully I'll see you and would you can code you me live in a different hemisphere to normal Thank you very much. See you guys next week