BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 313 - Sea Mat and the Baldricks

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

The lads discuss koalas, bum windows, buccaneers, men wanting opposites, the Tower of London zoo / menagerie, zookeeping and Baldricks and who is most nude Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it, because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. it because they're running out. Otherwise we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. It's Bud Pod 313, Melb Pod 4? Melb Pod 4. Bud Melb fear. Yeah. It's nearly done. We're nearly being, nearly being deported from Australia in a few days. Yep, they finally processed those scary cards they made us fill out. We have been found wanting!

This weird little landing card. I promise I have no, none of the following. Wheat, ears, traditional instruments. Ceremonial grasses. Ceremonial grasses. That was an interesting one. Bug cultures. Yeah. What is that? Is it just maggots in a sandwich bag? It's one of those Ziploc bags you get for your face cream,

but it's just full of beetles and lice. And you just, and every time you think, how is this a problem? And then it's a combination of either Chinese medicine, traditional Chinese medicine, or with like dried seahorses and things. Or it's like people bringing back souvenirs that are sort of like made from things

that have things in them. That is 100% what it will be. I guarantee you that's exactly what it will be. A kind of Mongolian gopher skin covered drum or something. And for some reason that will kill a koala. If you play that drum near a koala, its head just comes off like a cork. It's like Planet of the Apes. You bang the drum and the dust rises from it.

And then there's a 3D sequence of that drum dust going into the koalas lungs. And then the koalas pupils are becoming dilated. It's like one week later and koalas just running through the cities. Smashing people, driving cars. Yeah, and they're running, but they're running with like high elbows, high knees, horrible way that sprinters run. Like that, it's really horrible. They're running like the zombies from 28 days later. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can hear their screams echoing down

around an underground tunnel. Yeah. And you see them all absolutely sprinting for you. You have to set up a car alarm. And they all go in there to start biting the car. And that means that you can move from one building to the next, largely undetected. I'm going to see koalas tomorrow but you've already been and seen them.

I've already molested a koala. You ever really lines up and you get to sort of feel the back of the koala's head and then back. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, as you know, I love to stroke a little animal but I don't know about distracting one with drugs essentially. Are they giving it like a little eucalyptus leaf? I asked about that. I asked about that. Apparently it's a bit of a myth. Eucalyptus.

The fact that it has that effect on them. Right. The reason they seem like they're drugged is just because much like pandas, they've accidentally evolved to just eat almost nutritionless fibre. Yeah. And so they're just very sleepy. They just constantly sleep. They have no possible energy source, so they're just like, they're just knackered. They sleep 20 hours of the day. I was going to say, are they strong koalas? They're certainly heavy. They're big boys, aren't they, when you see them? Apparently, that's why they don't let you hold them anymore, except Queensland.

Because they're smaller in Queensland is what they... Oh, right. They said, oh, in Queensland, like the males only get up to like eight kilos, nine. And that's sort of holdable. Yeah. Whereas if you give one, a male down here, if you give one to a tourist, especially just like some, you know... Me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arms like twigs. Anyone with thin arms, either you or a sort of giddy 19-year-old gap year girl who'd never

played any sport, they can be 15 or 16 kilos. 16 kilos! And they've got, all their hands are designed to do is to like squish into wood and not fall off, so they might do that to you. They've got like sharp looking hands. Yeah. They're saying if a female koala is like sort of lulloping towards you on the floor it's because she thinks you're a tree and you shouldn't let her climb you because she might use her claws to climb you like a cat. She'll eviscerate you.

They seem very dumb. And when I went in there, some of them were asleep with their heads like bonking against a tree trunk, like on a branch, just like, ugh. They look like junkies, but they're just knackered from only eating thin leaves. I saw exhausted from eating not good food, which is a lesson we should all haul. It's not too dissimilar to Me on a hangover Crawling crawl crawling to the cell from waiting for my Uber eats Mac is to arrive. Yeah, I saw the singer

C-mat pops in a C-mat was in Australia. Maybe a couple of months ago Did she see the one who had a bum window a bum window? Yeah, I don't know It sounds right. I've only sort of recent see my convert so I might have missed the bum window someone the bum window window Someone at the Brits I think it was seem at a year or two ago had like a kind of window in their dress where you could just see The top of her ass crack. Oh, yeah, I think I have heard about that. Yeah, but I haven't seen it It was this whole thing about the bum window. I've only heard tell of it in the

taverns. Rumours. Rumours whispered over. From wild-eyed sea dogs. Men who are sort of, all you can see is their eyes. They've got really long beards that hang down to their knees and they're wearing those Sal Wester hats that are just a big triangle over the whole head. They've got the unsettling appearance of a kind of guy, actually you do see a lot of in Australia, which is when a white guy is so tanned that they've got this kind of frightening, and has a beard, they've got this kind of frightening sun-tan leather skin, and then it immediately ends, and you can see under their beard they've still got quite untouched from the sun. And it makes their eyes really pop, their wild eyes really pop in their heads.

And if they have blonde hair coming out of that skin, the overall effect is so, it's so much like the description of Captain Flint from Treasure Island. And any scars are like bright white yeah on your tanned bronze collagen of their scars really pops as well yes yeah so anyone a guy who looks like that saying window for the bum yeah I seen it with me own eyes I loved her on Jewels Holland I hope many a seminal performance. Is she, isn't she one of the body positivity ones? Celebrities?

Possibly, possibly. I don't really understand what that is. She's like, she's not shaped like a supermodel in that sense. Right. And she's very like, fuck you about it. Sure. Am I thinking of the right lady?

Yeah, yeah, but sounds very seamless. She's very, I'm going to dress how I want. Yeah, she's very cool. Yeah, well that would be of interest to any buccaneer, I think. Yeah, that's the only... She flaunts what she has. The only progressive thing about buccaneers. Oh yeah.

They're really body positive. You'd never get body shamed by a buccaneer. No, no. No one would ever be. They admire anyone who isn't riddled with scurvy. They admire any living woman. They've always got some reason to be really affectionate towards them. Any that look like they might have nutrition of any kind.

Yeah, you get a lot of that in the old seafaring stuff where it's like a fine round woman, nice and soft. You can tell they spent far too long on a sort of wooden shit. On a hard wooden pointy thing. Is that all men want is their opposite? Yeah, simple creatures. Yeah, is that why a big fat round man like the kingpin from Spider-Man always has these supermodels? Tony Soprano's always like looking at strippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sort of standing watching strippers. Just looking with a cigar on his hand. That's not like me.

I ain't like that. That's different to what I am like. And so I am intrigued. I think that is right. I think men are very simple. It's funny to imagine that a buck in a... Oh, all I want in a, is the opposite of a ship. Isn't too much to ask.

No sails at all. No ropes. Absolutely nothing made of hemp or timber or iron, brackets the cannons. Things should smell nice and not like the sea. Or like loads of men who are afraid and throwing up and shitting. Oh God, imagine what it must have stunk like on them ships. At least in theory you could slush a bunch of seawater around quite often. Have we talked about before, I always was like how did sailors and pirates and particularly pirates in the 17th and 18th centuries famously drank rum all the time.

Especially in fact in the 17th century they drank a lot of gin before sugar plantations really kicked off and then they drank rum instead. But the idea of drinking like shorts just in the middle of the ocean with no shade and no cover in like the Caribbean, with no sun cream, no paracetamol, no water, and then just being like, and now it's time for my pint and a half a day of like sugar, sugary syrupy, like neat liquor.

Like it must have been fucking awful. The seagulls screeching, well it's time to get up again and climb up her like 20 foot rigging. What, it's time to do CrossFit? It's time to drink a pint of rum and do CrossFit. They should have been throwing up constantly. And only eat like half a really hard old biscuit, like halfway through the day. But sometimes they'd have cows on board for as long as they could keep them alive. And

then they'd just be like, well, I guess we're all going to eat beef quite a lot for the next month, when we finally slaughter the beast. Who's on duty to shovel the cow shit out of a porthole for maybe four times a day? Oh yeah. As long as we can stand at the stench of it. I think cow shit smells better than human shit. It's got a green... Oh definitely, yeah. I think that's not too bad.

Any creature that eats meat, the shit is just the worst Yeah, like a cat's plop is the worst thing in the world like dog poo and cat poo Just yeah fucking stinks dog shit is full of meat particularly acrid but then of course cats are hyper carnivorous because dogs can eat like any old shit cucumbers Yeah, carrots cats will just only eat meat. Their shit is pure, digested creature. And also very unwatered. They're getting all the water they need from some blood.

Yeah, very ready. They're nervous of streams because they think they might be picked off there in nature. So they just only drink in secret or just absorb all their water from... Eating. Eating. I realised that I mentioned Seamatt. The reason I mentioned Seamatt is because she went to Aiko Wallace, I saw on her Instagram.

Have we missed this? Seamatt. Seamatt. Not land. Not to be confused with Seaman. Of course. And the opposite of Landmat. Landmat.

Landmat is a prude. Landmat is really boring. Like early 2010s sort of... Disney Channel pop star. Not quite Coldplay sort of music. Yeah, and fully controlled by Disney. So no chance to be sexy at all. So sorry, C-Med went to go see some koalas.

She went to go see the koalas and she was looking at the koalas and I laughed for probably a good like half an hour at her just filming the koalas who all just seem to be sort of standing up on a branch with their face just slumped against it. Some of them slumped forward. Some of them with their arms resting above their heads with their heads resting on their arms. And she was going, ah me and the girls getting back in from a night out absolutely twisted. Just zooming in and out of the koalas going twisted. Ah twisted. Laughing at that for ages. The

idea that the koalas have all just got in at four o'clock in the morning because they've been out all night in Brixton. Like, ah! That's what they look like though. That is true. And there was one I took a photo of, a lady koala sitting on a branch, exactly as you described,

not a thick branch, but somehow slumped on it like an armchair. Like their center of gravity and their little dense bodies mean that they can slump on nothing. They look quite sort of human-y don't they yeah, and she was looking around like You know when like you wake up a dog too soon from something Its face fur is all smushed up in the direction. It's been sleeping it and it just sort of looks around like And that was this koala's whole face.

And its eyes were just like half closed like, What the? What the fuck? Very like 4.30 AM vibe. But apparently it's like, they're not really getting high on the eucalyptus particularly. Often they're quite picky about the different types of gum leaf they eat. Right.

And a guy was saying to us, they always use this same koala for the stroking in this one park. And he's been doing it for years. And he loves it and he'll like, he'll like kind of scramble around and start barking. Whatever a koala bark sounds like, he'll be hooting away on the floor. When it's like about 10, 15 minutes to go before, before visitor time. Because either he just loves being handed food that much, but they get handed food kind of anyway, the way the park is set up. But he clearly just... something about the attention that does register with him. And they said that when there was time... when the clocks went back an hour,

obviously animals don't know that. Oh yeah, he's just getting the itch. Yeah, so for like an hour he was like, Where are my public? He was sort of desperate for it, you know. Like a sort of old opera. Yeah, mad old opera singer from like the 1680s. Where are they?

Just sweating on a fainting couch and dabbing his forehead, being like, Where are my public? The streets are empty. They have left you, Angela. You have not sung for years. My better care, better care. Oh, how shallow they are. They flee me that did me seek.

Did me seek, yeah. Yeah, so they do look exhausted. I'm gonna look up and see if C-Met was bum-window, because I do look exhausted. I'm going to look up and see if CMAT was bum window, because I'm pretty sure. CMAT, yeah. You have to turn off Safe Search or something. CMAT bum window. Yeah, CMAT bum window.

Oh, there's just a re-windowing company in somewhere called bum Indiana coming up. That's not right. That's not what I look for. Yes, Irish singer C-Met has officially started a feud with ITV for editing her bum crackout. Really? They edited a bum out? Last year, yeah. Cheeky bastards. There it is.

There's her bum. There it is. Yes. Let's have a look. It's a very nice dress and indeed bum. Oh, yeah. That's almost not... That's a window with a bit of bum in it. It's not necessarily nice dress and indeed bum. Oh yeah, that's almost not, that's a window with a bit of bum in it.

It's not like necessarily a bum window. Yeah, that's very prudish of ITV. It's quite strange. Just a bit of bum. If C-mat was a builder, would they have bothered? Yeah, I was gonna say, I've seen worse than that just growing up around brick layers. Is it, it's a funny thing about nudity, right?

And you know, Brasso did a very funny sketch about like what is porn and things But like she's got a bum crack out, but if she'd shown up in like tight-fitting gym clothes where you are functionally nude Hmm, that would have been fine. It's weird, isn't it? We just go but that but she's wearing like a big like Cruella de Vil kind of cool feathery dress thing there Yeah, that's less news. Yeah, exactly. Than anyone in any gym. It's interesting.

Everyone in the gym or at a pool. It's like the, I mean, not, I wouldn't say an area of my expertise, but like I suppose the science behind sexualisation of things. Yeah. Like, is just a naked person standing there is that is that more sex-like Than a bit of us. I think I own a fully naked Person standing neutrally looking bored is less nude yeah, then someone in a bikini looking sex

Yeah, it's weird. They're less nude. Yeah, do bikini looking sexy. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? They're less nude. Yeah. OK, what's the most nude? I put this on the table immediately. A businessman in a suit, but there's a sort of hatch cut in his pants and his dick and balls are hanging out.

Yes. And he's got a tie, he's got a watch, he's got braces. He's like an 80s stockbroker. But he's wearing a cr, he's got a watch, he's got braces, he's like an 80s stockbroker. But he's wearing a kind of crotchless stockbroker outfit. I think that's the most nude you can look. Even worse than that, like one of those Dukes who's like in his 80s, 70s maybe, maybe not 80s, 70s, in those like green tweed jacket and like a mustard colored wiseco and cords and then is Bolly and P. So your your suggestion I'm going with

crutchless 80s stockbroker mm-hmm brackets city yeah you're going for brackets countryside crotchless the Duke of Northumberland's annual shoot or perhaps crotchless gamekeeper. I think there's definitely some Hagrid porn out there that's called crotchless gamekeeper. That's what they call the Halloween costume because they can't say it's Hagrid. Wait, is he a game... Yeah, yeah. They can't call it sexy Hagrid so they call it crotchless gamekeeper. Crotchless gamekeeper brackets giant.

Crotchless giant gamekeeper. Is he the gamekeeper or the groundskeeper? Ooh, but he does... Is there a difference? A gamekeeper maintains it for for game, for birds and... For deer and things like that. But then he does kind of keep an eye on the forest full of massive spides. Yeah, he does. And the Thestrals and the Hippogriffs, that's all his purview, isn't it?

Do you know what it is? They have to tell the kids he's the groundskeeper, but his actual job is much more gameskeeper. Yeah. Because we never hear about him mowing the lawn. No. There's no lawn mowing. Yeah, that's true. He's just constantly having to go, oh, they've laid another hundred eggs. And he's just like having this disgusting...

Oh no. Another 50 exploding scorpions have just broken out near year seven. His job is to constantly be confronted with the most disgusting and rare animals and to deal with them with half magic powers. There is a... have you seen those, the new ones, the Fantastic Beasts ones? No, I didn't really understand why I would watch them. Because I read when I was little and the expansion packs came out where it was like, here's a list of animals we've pulled out our arse.

For comic relief. Yeah, and they basically just went, um, the chewing gum beaver. It's like a beaver but it chews gum and, you know, its poison can be used to counter the froggy frog and then you've flicked a froggy frog. The boring grumplin. The boring grumplin is the most boring animal ever. It's not even worth talking about. So I've not even talked about the boring grumplin.

I put a bit of effort into it. Exactly, yeah. The schmunicorn. It's like a unicorn but the horn is on its ass. And also it used to belong to Voldemort. There we go. Let's link back to the book now. That's part of the plot now. That will then turn up consequently in one of the fantastic beats. It'll be a Shmoonicorn. Oh yeah, it'll be like the Star Wars effect where a background character that they named in the script only for the clarity of the prop maker. Like, they're never addressed, so they didn't need a name,

but they were called, you know, Gurgles or whatever in the script. That, 50 years later, is going to have a full miniseries on Disney Plus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rise of Gurgles, Birth of a Legend. Starring an aging Harrison Ford. Yeah, an AI transfer of a deepfake Harrison Ford,

and Han Solo's 1970s face on someone else. And all his lines have to be things Harrison Ford has said either in those films or other Disney properties. Yeah, all selected from different lines. What do you mean? He can't be coming around here. At one point someone gets out an amazing lightsaber and Harrison Ford says, it belongs in a museum from Indiana Jones.

And they go, I know it's a little old, Hans Solo, but it actually works really well. He just keeps saying it belongs in a museum whenever anything's sufficiently old. It's the only line they've got a right to. It's so expensive. There's a really harrowing bit where he's just looking in a mirror and he's like, it belongs here.

His deep fake face is going, it belongs at the museum. It's really uncanny value. It freaks everyone out who watches it. Disney did it just to perturb people. But yeah, in the Fantastic Beasts films, there is a bit where there's like a prison and you are like... It's in Germany, I think, and it's a sort of nod to sort of the growing fascism in Germany in the 20s. Yeah. And there's also sort of growing wizard fascism or something, or there's... I don't know, it's all very vague.

Yeah. It was old wizard fascism or there's some new wizard fascism, who knows. But there's a prism where the prism is just like a cylinder, like a big tube, and everyone's sort of manacled to the wall. And when there's a little lamp next to them, and when the lamp goes out, a giant sort of scorpion beast spears them on the end of its tail and then sucks them down into the... and you hear them screaming all the way down into the pit where the scorpion is

then just a horrible squelching and then a burp and then the sort of semi-digested skeleton of the wizard who's just been eaten by a scorpion like just splats onto the ground and I was watching it and I was like that's one of the most nightmarish things I have ever seen. That's something in my worst nightmares I couldn't conjure up. Is this a film for children? Like do do do do do aah! An awful pain scream of someone being dissolved and then spat out by a scorpion beast. But how are they suggesting, what are they suggesting the scorpion does?

Maybe it's too- it can't go near- it doesn't- the logic of it seemed flawed. It hits with you- it hits with its tail. Yeah, scoops you down, digests you and then spits you back out again. And then all its little children eat your bones. Oh. Absolutely horrible. It's like something from a monk's vision from the 13th century. And much like a monk's vision, it relies on the people hearing it to also not know how

scorpions work. They just look at it and go, well it must eat bones. Like how for ages they thought- Look at how rotten it looks. It's got to eat bones. Like how for ages they thought elephants ate meat because they were just big and had big spikes. Oh my god. Have I told you about when I went to the Tower of London to the menagerie? Maybe, yeah, but I know this depressing... It was so depressing and so funny. I know this story.

Because it was like... Tell the lessons, because this is horrible. Oh man, it was hilarious. So apparently until the 1830s, I think the 1830s, maybe a bit later, the 1840s, when the Duke of Wellington was the governor of the Tower of London, the governor is that the right word? Yeah, constable. The constable of the tower. He put a stop to the menagerie, which was where there was an exotic animal in London. It was in the Tower of London in the Menagerie. And you find reference to one of my favourite little tit bids of Shakespeare.

Tit bids? Tid bits. Tit bids. Bid on these tits. £40. I guess that's what's happening against strip clubs. There's definitely a strip club called Tit Bids. Two separate words.

They kept all these animals in one room in the Tower of London. The Tit Bid, my point was, is there's a bit in the end of Midsummer Night's Dream where the epilogue, the fairies go, Puck says, now the hungry lion roars, which to Londoners at the time would have meant they knew it was night time, as it would have been an outdoor play, so night would have fallen. But it was because at night time they could hear the lions down the river in the Tower of London going, Ho, ho! Like that koala waiting to get their snap.

For feeding time. So all the lions in it, you go up there and it's all like, oh this is very cruel isn't it? You're like, oh it's unimaginably cruel but it's very funny to hear just how clueless people were. So there was what, so the Duke of Wellington made them create London Zoo to get rid of all the animals out of the Tower of London because he was like, this is just no longer sustainable. Apparently one of the things that they used to just be like

wild baboons just wandering around the Tower of London. One of them threw a cannonball at a boy. So they were like, okay, we've got to stop, we can't keep doing this, we've got to get rid. There was all sorts of stuff where people had no idea what to do with that, but they were really, you know, surprisingly early on, in the 12th century, there was an Asian elephant in the Tower of London.

There's a description of a monk from St Albans who came to London on a pilgrimage and then describes the elephant, and he has not got a clue what's happening. The largest thing he's ever seen is a scrawny old medieval cow and he's like, well this is a very nice, go Jesus! And just sees what must look like a cross between a horse and a bear with just like a tube coming out of its head making huge noises with spikes coming off its face. They're made of leather armour. They always draw them as if they're cavalry knights in

those manuscripts. They always look like they're armour. They've been put together with plates. But they kept trying to feed it beef because they were just like, well it's so big. Yeah, just throw it at a steak. It can't just eat plants. It's got big sharp teeth at the front sticking out of its face. Yeah, it's massive. That means it must eat the most meat of all the animals.

And it's a predator because of the spikes somehow. Yeah, everyone's scared of it, so it must eat them. Yeah, so this poor sick elephant is just like, ugh, eating raw meat, if it even bothered trying. One of my favorite ones was that for some reason, someone had got the idea that ostriches only ate iron. So they fed it some nails and it immediately died. God, so cute. What a waste of an ostriches only ate iron so they fed it some nails and it immediately died. What a waste of an ostrich. What do you think the average IQ was?

Who told them that as well? Someone for a prank. Who told them that is one of those buccaneers we talked about at the start. They just thought well we're going to trust him because he's so withered by the sun. He's been on so many adventures. He must know. He must know. Look at all the cracks in his leathery old eyes. He must know. It's the same guy who told us that frogs leap into existence when you get enough scum on a pond. Yeah, yeah. They just had no idea how anything was born.

The algae just goes, I'm a frog now! just goes, I'm a frog now! Which is, nothing else works like that so I don't know why they were so obsessed with that as an idea. Another one was... Spontaneous generation. Tigers and lions, they fed, one was soup, it died, because they were just feeding it soup. Like it was ill. The more ill they got they thought, well you know what you eat when you're ill. Imagine how dismayed the lion was, Like, oh, fuck, not again. The deer was coming in with a bowl of soup. Soup again. Does it at least have croutons?

Maybe it's a ramen this time, or a foe. There's some meat and egg in it. No, it's a leek and potato. Oh, no. The worst was that they used to just people would come to look at them and just bring their dogs and cats that they didn't want anymore and just throw them in throw throw them into the lion and tiger pits and they just eat their dogs and cats. Oh god. What's going to happen to Rover? Well, he's gone to a special farm.

He's gone to a special farm where they have hurled him at a lion that has diarrhea. There's a knackered, diarrhea-ridden lion. A knackered, bony old tiger. And this dog and cat combo will be the first even nearly square meal that it's had. For them that's like when you go to Mackey's and you have a cheeseburger and six nuggets. There's a cat and a dog for a lion. Yeah, just a little side. Also really boringly, quite dangerous for predators to eat other predators

because they carry loads of parasites from meat that they eat. So I'm sure that probably also made the lions and tigers kill and die. There was one where the King, I want to say King John, or it might have been King Stephen, was gifted a polar bear by the King of Norway and kept the polar bear on a lead, which was an iron chain, and to feed the polar bear, because the monarchy used to live at the Tower of London, of course, it was also a palace. It sort of was a palace before it was a prison. He'd take the polar bear out on a lead,

and the polar bear would just swim in the Thames and just eat whatever it found there as far as its lead would take it, and then they'd just put it back inside again. Polar bears also are like massive. They're so dangerous. So dangerous. Just will kill anything. They must have surely there was a team of like baldricks to kind of ensure this, right? There was, it was something like the caper of the beasties. But when the king is walking it, I mean, there must be at least 12 baldricks

ready to get eaten in front of him. Like a kind of smelly secret service of just willing peasants. Stinky service. No, me lord! And just immediately leap into the polar bear's mouth and be eaten in seconds. It was a noble, that's how the peasants revolt happened. No more polar bear jobs. Interestingly actually saying that while I was there,

and another hilarious thing I thing was that the apparently the only people to successfully besiege the Tower of London and break in was the Peasants Revolt. Yes they did. They broke in and it said that they because also at the time the court was there, Richard the Second's court and they broke in and like it literally says like they broke in and pissed in all the fireplaces and just made fun of all the nobles. I don't think they even hurt them they were just going ah wanker ah. People were like ooooh in the pointy shoes and tights going ooooh no. Nice pants, nice puffy pants. Ah, what's going on with your big hat? Ah, pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss does something that would barely make sense as part of a modern riot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when the French broke into the Bastille, the only people they really found there by

that point, because so many people had already been released in an attempt to calm things down, it was like a mad old guy who no one knew where he was and he just disappeared. Like seven or eight genuinely severely schizophrenic people. like a sex criminal and an aristocrat. And they just released them and they're like, the heroes of the revolution. And they just made it a propaganda victory and they still killed about seven guards just because they thought, well, now that we're here,

it's too embarrassing to admit that we've just murdered a bunch of essentially civil servants for the sake of a sex freak, some crazy people and an old man who's disappeared. I didn't realise until quite recently that we only call the Peasants' Revolt the Peasants' Revolt until quite recently. Because it wasn't actually a really just, it wasn't just a Peasants' Revolt, there were lots of- A couple of barons?

There were like barons and landowners and gentry. It was more pan-social really, of everyone being like, this is ridiculous now! But obviously they put it down with pure treachery, with the King just being like, I have heard your demands and you will all receive everything. And everyone was like, yay! And then went home and then just killed them all.

Yeah. Just killed every last one. Immediately order 66 them. Yeah. Full, it went full Sith Lord. Just murdered everyone. All the Baldric clones received a beep and they were like,

Stinky service. Yes, we lord. Stink trooper Baldric. The time has come. The time has come. Execute order stinky six. It will be done my lord. It's written fix-de-fix. That long curly letter that was sometimes S.

And order is spelled O-R-D-R-E. Order fifty-fix. Yeah, it's... O-R-D-R-E, Orderer 56. Orderer 56. Yeah, when I went to see Richard II being played by Wicked Man. Oh, did you see that? Jonathan Bailey? Yeah. Oh, I would have loved to have seen that. It was good, but it was funny to watch it thinking, because when I went in there with Jo, she was like,

Oh, do you think they'll bring up the, do you think the peasant's revolt is in the play? And I was like, I highly doubt. It definitely is. I highly doubt Shakespeare had the bollocks to put in, to, in a play about how bad a king is to then also mention the peasant's revolt against a bad king and thus accidentally making it look justifiable. Yeah. No, no, no way, no way. In front of an audience at the time, largely of peasants, who would get so riled up that

we would not believe how riled up they would get at a Shakespeare play at the time. Yeah, so I thought, no, I'm pretty sure we're going to see that he's bad because he spends too much money and is too mean to other aristocrats. And also crucially his own family a few times. Yeah and is a bit gay. Yes he's a bit gay and a bit sassy and he does something that is like unforgivable across all cultures like scorns his father or you know he's cruel to his mother. Something that like you could show it to a guy in a jungle. You could show it to an Inuit guy.

You could show it to a Sioux chief. You could show it to a member of the Ming dynasty, and they'd all go, oh, wow, what a cunt. One of those eternal human sins. Because they're not going to be able to go, he was horrible to poor people and peasants. Because at some point, the monarch of the day was going to come and watch this And the second the bit Okay we're cutting the bits about how the peasants were right

Yeah maybe that was in originally and that got cut Yeah because it was like, well you cut this or we cut off your fucking head mate We'll try you out on the lions See if this perks them up You're going in with Rover and Mr. Tibbs. Mr. Tibbs. You're going straight over the side. They're the amuse-bouche.

Yeah. And then one of the Baldricks is going to poke you into a polar bear's mouth. The Baldrick clones. The stinky service will be knocking on your door any day now. Same initial, stinky service. They knocking on your door any day now. Yeah, same initial stinky service. They've all got sunglasses on. They're all dressed like Baldrids but they've all got ray bands. Yeah, and it's not an earpiece, it's that they've got worms.

They've got a worm coming out of their ear. Mow! Horrible little brain worm. Because they're so stinky. But they use those worms to communicate with each other. It's still the same. Like walkie-talkies. They just press the worm and it goes like, boink.

Activates the hive mind-psychic center of that worm. Boink. Ugh. Ugh. It made me feel a bit sick, actually. I just, you'd think that at some point in its hundreds of years of history, the guy who got the job to be in charge of the fucking freak chamber

at the Tower of London would be like a Gregor Mendel figure, the guy who sort of discovered genetics. And you think at some point, okay, at some point, if only through just who's interested in this, it would be a guy who goes, you know what, I'm actually going to lay out 10 things and we'll see what the elephant eats. Yes, you'd think that's like the bare minimum of scientific endeavour. Step one. Or just even understanding anything.

Because you think like, if you're in charge of the tower, you're thinking, right, I need to, here's a list of like positions that need filling. Okay, head of all the horrible toilets, okay, we'll get the dungsman from Blimpington Castle, he's very experienced. Poo Baldrick. Poo Baldrick, we'll get Poo Baldrick. Dungsman. The dungsman.

Dungsman to the privy jams. Head dungsman. And they go, right, kitchens, we'll get a bunch of like ribbled women with big flowery elbows who are going to make sort of like incredibly aggressive sexual remarks. You know, in a medieval film that's who that would be. But they'd be quite dangerous with like fish knives and things as well. Okay, good, they're in there. All the guards will be people who look like modern football hooligans. Somehow they'll have really shaved heads. Yeah, they've got unspeakable scars from the battle of, like, Tewkesbury or something.

Yeah, they've got like an arrow sticking out of their head. It's easier to leave it there. Medical technology as such. And then you'd think, well, who wants to be in charge of these horrifying, difficult beasts? Bearing in mind that each one has been a present. Yeah. And when it dies, the king will at least be sad. At least. And at most he might be like, why is it dead?

Why did you kill my lovely present? You think the first guy would be someone of an inquiring mind or... Yeah. But no, it's just, they always just went, well, I guess we'll just go find a guy in a pub. Yeah. Who reckons. Who's got someone with a big dog.

Who seems to manage alright with that big dog. I'll put him in charge of that olive-fond. I heard that this guy once talked a rat out of a room. I heard that in the pub about him and so I'm going to hire him. Because he reckons he knows what that thing wants to eat. That man says he's seen a centaur. That's good enough for me.

Maybe it was just the Buccaneers. That's where they were like, well, ostriches eat iron. Yeah. It's some old, someone who's come off a caravel with a suntan basically. Oh yeah, I was in charge of giraffes back when I was in... On the island. I want to say China. No one's got any...

Even he has no idea where these things come from. Yeah, exactly. He just keeps saying the word India. And then he keeps talking about islands covered in dog-headed men. And everyone is very enthralled by this. Of course in Atelier the men have their heads in their chests. Four eyes. I took the short journey, I walked from the shores of Africa to India and along the way, island

of dog-headed men, St. Thomas was there when I arrived. India's full of Christians, don't worry about checking that. But I'm sure if we just fight our way through the whole Middle East we'll meet up with the Christians on the other side. Which they did think. They did think. And did not work. I couldn't believe it. When the first, Francis Xavier I think? Yeah. When that expedition arrived in India in like very early on, like the 15... like the 1520s or something, 1530s, and they sailed through Goa and saw Hindu ships with... Oh now I'll betray my ignorance of Hinduism here. The mother goddess Shiva? Shiva.

Is that right? Yeah, I think so. Garlanded with flowers in the middle of their ships, the same way they had Virgin Mary on their central mast, with herbs and flowers offering, they thought, oh, it's us. It's just slightly different vibes, but it's us. St. Thomas. You guys. St. Thomas. Yeah. You guys remember St. Thomas?

These guys get it. Yeah. But yeah, you just, absolutely zero. Maybe that's what it was is that if you, you get a bit old, you've spent your whole life just essentially trading between say, Lisbon and London in just something really boring, like salt.

And then eventually they kick you off the ship because your hands are too well fucked up you just think I'm gonna have to start lying now I'm gonna have to start telling insane lies in order to make any money at all but luckily I'm incredibly weather-beaten yeah and I've picked up fragments of other languages. And my alcohol tolerance is insanely high. So I can just go to any tavern and anyone in London, anyone down by Blackfriars who's a bit pissed, I'll just chat to them. And luckily we're in an era where, from what I would guess, if you offered someone a job drunk you'd sort of have to stand by it.

Yeah. Yeah, you would. You'd have to stand by your word. But you gave me your word. And you gave me a shilling. And it was in front of everyone. You engaged me with a farthing. Oh crap.

Shit. Now we've got to find a polar bear for him to take care of. Fuck's sake. I've got nothing to do. Take it for a swim. Take it for a swim. find a polar bear for him to take care of. For fuck's sake. I've got nothing to do. Take it for a swim. Take it for a swim. Does it like swimming? Let's find out.

Go. It looks like it probably does. Yeah. We've all heard about bears, haven't we? The one Norwegian in London says they swim. We think he's Norwegian. We have literally no way of knowing. We just know that he's also very weather-beaten. He could be Norwegian, could be German and even now we

don't really know what German means. We just know his stories seem to involve ice, yours seem to involve hot things, sand and so on. There's two types of foreigner in London at this time, ice and bears and sand and Draughts. That's it. Which one are you? There's Ice and Bears, Sand and Draughts and Italian Artists. We know them and we know about them. And insanely successful marble merchants. A cool sailor fact for you. Yeah. When Shakespeare moved from the globe to the playhouse at Blackfriars later on, they used to use old sailors to move all the scenery and do all the special effects, because they knew their way around pulling loads of ropes, obviously, and throwing cannonballs down chutes,

which they used to use to make a sort of thunder-sounding thing. But also, because the sailors communicated by whistling to each other. So they had like a secret whistle language that only the sailors understood, which would signal to each other, I don't know, which rope to pull, or how hard to pull it. Yeah, or watch out, here comes a cannonball. Yeah. Yeah, cannonball coming down shoot. I've been told that's why it's bad luck to whistle in a theatre.

Oh! That makes sense. Because it sort of started out like, don't confuse the fucking... Oh yeah, look, you'll confuse the cannon dropper. Incoming! What?! You're just whistling and suddenly someone gets crushed to death by a big painting of a castle in the distance. Somebody whistle for a scene. I'll just absolutely crush them.

I've always wondered about the naval whistling code. Because you know that in Star Trek when it goes Oh, yeah, that's Captain on deck. That's Captain on deck. Yeah Yeah, a weird little whistling sound. They tried to make it as much like the Navy as possible I know it's Captain on deck, isn't it? Yeah, and you just think how many of these fucking Could they've? I know. What loads? The answer of course is loads. Extra fun fact before we move to the bonus part.

The Canary Islands, the original inhabitants of the Canary Islands had a version of... You know, in the same way that in the Alps they use yodelling to sort of communicate down valleys, because it's a type of communication that copes well with echoing. You can hear it very far down a valley with not very much distortion. The Canary Islands, they used very loud whistling as a kind of secondary messaging language. Whistling down a big valley. Whistling down a big hot valley. Wheeee! Oh, I've got to get back.

Yeah. Well, you heard... That's me tease on the table. You heard the tone in that whistle. I better get home. Well, now it's time to go to the whistling valley of the bonus part. So we'll see you guys there. Thank you for listening. Bye. Bye.