BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 315 - Gorilla Warfare

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

The boys are back! Phil and Pierre give their takes on the topical '100 men vs a Gorilla' debate and the first 'America Pope'! They of course end on some horrendous tat attack. Bonus Episode this Friday on the BudPod Patreon!We have brand new BudPod MERCH!!Patreons get 20% discount on all merch!https://visualanticsapparel.com/collections/budpod-podcast Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. it because they're running out. Otherwise we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. It's Bud Pod 315. 315. I'm back, Queen. Nice. Yes. Yes. Back from the far, the Orient. Back from the Orient. 315 seasick Queen. I'm a seasick queen. 315 seasick queen. From all my voyaging. Phil's pockets are bursting with cloves. It's an absolute struggle to get them past. I've got cloves in my clothes. I've got cloves in my clothes.

Phil's eyelashes, his eyebrows, his teeth, all cloves painted white. Yeah. Yeah. In the case of the teeth. A clove would actually make quite a good fake tooth because it's got the stem in it. You can eyelashes, his eyebrows, his teeth, all cloves painted white. Yeah. Yeah. In the case of the teeth. Clover actually made quite a good fake tooth because it's got the stem in it. You can just shove that straight in the gum. Lots of these horrible little black teeth. Nubs. Yeah. And these fragrant nubs. Fragrant nubs. Fantastic. Uh, New Orleans. Famous for spending all his money, not on, uh, heroin or booze or anything like some of the

other jazz guys, but on, on, um, Ode to Cologne. Hence fragrant nubs. Boy would be like, he never washed, right? That would be the reason. Ah, yes. You'd be like, Oh, you don't want to have to share a dressing room with fragrant nubs. Yeah. Well, you don't smell those nubs.

Yes. I'm back from Malaysia. You, um, you were in the same part of the world and then we kind of swapped over. Yeah. We came back and I went out. Yeah. It was like a sort of a travel to the orient sort of wrestling match. Yeah.

I tagged out. You tagged in. You in Australia. This is a question for the ages. Is Australia in Asia? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes when there's, if you look up like a new story about Australia on BBC, it's under Asia.

Yeah. And I go, but huh? No. It's weird, isn't it? How can? Because then you sort of think, part of you thinks, well, yes, because if I look at China and then I look down far enough, I'll find Australia. Yeah. But then you

sort of think, ah, but then Samoa? Papua New Guinea? I don't look at those places and think Asia. If Australians were all Chinese, would we all go, yeah, Australia's in Asia? Is it because Australians are white? Is it because New Zealanders are white? That we just can't comprehend white Asians? But we wouldn't say Canada was Asia if they were all Chinese. No because geographically it's in the Americas. But the Americas like geography is an agreement, right? Like we've agreed what like we sort of looked at the lumps of land.

Yeah. And we've gone, okay, for no reason, this is where Europe becomes Asia. Sure. And with Australia, you look at China and you go, well, is China in Europe? Cause there's no land gap. Right, it connects, it connects exactly to Europe.

At least Australia is separate floating on its own. Okay. So far. So you can make various geological, geographical arguments for what's in what continent. Yeah, I think so. In terms of walkability, China is in Europe. Yes. Or France is in China., is one of China's neighbors. Yeah.

If it's just walkability. It is mad that you can walk from Beijing to Paris. And that people did. Yeah. Marco Polo. I mean, I'm sure he sailed quite a lot of it, but it's still mad to sort of go, well, my job is to like try and sell people silk. So I guess I'll walk to China now and see if

they have any. Get some silk and walk back. Apparently some naughty Western merchants, or maybe they bribed someone to do this. Silkworms were controlled by like the Imperial silk weavery in China. Like no one knew how silk was made. And if you told anyone you were executed. Immediately killed. They smuggled silkworms out in the hollow walking sticks. Oh.

And took them to the West. Ah. Like industrial espionage, but from 500 years ago. Amazing. Yeah. And in the opposite direction. Yes. Now all the industrial espionage goes in the other direction.

There's a Chinese diplomat in London with a hollow walking stick filled with, I don't know, the recipe for Costa coffee. The secret recipe for Costa coffee. How do they make coffee this mundane? This drinkably plain. This- I don't know how they- every time I I do it there and my coffee has notes of caramel and almond and I just can't get it to that Costa blandness. Every, every flavor of coffee. I can't remember who it is. It's a famous writer friend, friend of ours and friend of the podcast.

Mick Patrick, the actor. Oh yeah. Put us on, put me onto this. It's a very, very long article about why there are no other ketchups than Heinz. Oh, interesting. Because there's loads of mustards. There's English mustard, there's French mustard. Oh, right. And all right, not just brands of ketchup, but types of ketchup. Yeah.

So why is it that with mustard, we're all happy to go, yeah, there's the lumpy one and there's the spicy one and there's the smooth one and there's the sort of gray poupon like Dijon mustard and CD one CD one. Hey, I find the American sweet one. Fine. But with ketchup, it's like, no, no, it's, it's, it's Heinz and every other type of ketchup is, is either to trying to be imitated or like in a restaurant where they go, we've

made our own. I hate it when they do that. Lumpy fucking you've chopped up some tomatoes. Yeah. You've done this is, this is a tomato salad. You've made a version of ketchup in a world where somehow the ketchup factory got nuked and we will have to try and make it up based on how much we remember the taste. Yeah. It's like, it's like when people had to rediscover how to make concrete after the Romans.

Or like prohibition wine, you go, I'll drink it, but I like, I'm sure this is not what it's supposed to taste like. Yeah. Like prohibition wine. You go, I'll drink it. But I like, I'm sure this is not what it's supposed to taste like. Yeah. So why, why is it like that? Why is ketchup as we know it like that? Part of the argument in the article was that it's like the perfect combination of tastes. So ketchup is as salty as it is sweet, as it is sour, as it is umami, as it is like, it's just everything. So if you were to draw like one of those spider diagrams of like it spikes out from the center yeah how umami or sweet or salty it would be equal like a perfect star it is delicious you just remind me how much I love ketchup but I can't eat I have to cut it down because yesterday Pia I read an about how to lose, how to get sexy for the summer.

And I've got about three days, I think. A food to cut out is sources like ketchup. But I love him so much. You can get light ketchup that tastes the same. Okay. But then you're admitting defeat on you. Yeah. Yeah. The word ketchup is from Chinese. Is it? Yes. Some dialect of Chinese and it was cats,

cat soup, kitsop, cat, I don't know. But what's interesting is in Malay, so the word is from that region from where I grew up. In Malay, soy sauce is called kicap. And that soy sauce has nothing to do with it. So it's chopped like a sauce. Possibly. And like ketchup, tomato ketchup, we call tomato sauce.

Yes, in South Africa as well, you'd say tomato sauce. You wouldn't say ketchup. Well, I wonder if the Cape Malay influence brought in kicap meaning soy sauce. So it's a Chinese word, and it originally had absolutely no tomatoes in it because it's from China. And there was traders that took on the idea of this of jumbly sauce. I think you used to have like fishy elements in it and things like that. And slowly over time,

it's it formed, it formed into the tomato version that we know now and that is ketchup. But, but yeah, the word ketchup, it's originally something completely different. But now it's, it's just, you can't, its dominance is total. And every time you try and innovate ketchup, you just take it further away from the perfectly centralized ideal of Heinz. Yeah. You go, well, this one's a bit spicy. And you go, right.

Well, that's, that's put off more people than it's one. You go, well, this one's kind of got like, like, there's a kind of lumpy salsa like aspect to it, like, like whole grain mustard. Yeah, Again, you've put off more people than you've won. This is the ketchup. This is the middle. This is the everyone food. This is the platonic ideal. Every deviation loses more customers than it gains. And that's why the recipe for Costa coffee is so important because it's so blank. It's so the everything coffee.

It's like when, when they try and make an indie cola. Yeah. And you go, no. And they're like, well, we pay the sugar cane farmers a fair. I don't care. I don't care. It tastes like cinnamon. I don't care. It turns out cruelty tastes good. Because if this is what kindness tastes like, I want no part of it. The diet version doesn't taste like robo juice. The full fat version doesn't taste like tangy,

sort of slightly nutmeggy ditch water, which is what I want. Yours tastes like cinnamon. It tastes like some sort of fizzy Christmas drink. I'm not having it. It tastes like a Christmas drink that you filled with Splenda.

Yeah. Even the ones that aren't diet taste fake. They taste like pancake topping because there's like a cinnamon and nutmeg aspect to Coca Cola. They go too heavy on when they make like Tesco Cola or Lidl's own brand Cola. And it's got this kind of like Christmas fizziness. Yeah, it tastes like a Victorian health drink. It's like if a Victorian tried to make prime. It tastes like Father Christmas's blood. Syrupy and Christmassy and cinnamony and you go, oh, gulp. This is what he has instead of blood.

Because he never eats a single savory food. Of course. Santa has a pure glucose diet. He only eats mince pies, whiskey, port. Like yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the gout diet. Forget the liver King. This is the gout King. His blood just tastes like those crystals that cause gout.

Yeah. Well, I was in Malaysia for two weeks, seeing family, seeing animals. I went- You were back in the actual wild. In the wild, yeah. Mum was very proactive in sorting us out some tours to reunite us with the animals. You were being rejumbled. Of our motherland, yes. We saw preposterous monkeys. Yeah?

Yeah. We saw Horang Hutans. The guy, the forest guys. You saw the guy, forest guys. You saw forest guys. I know that guy. I know the guy you mean. Yeah, they were great guys.

Naked, hairy, ginger guy, only eats fruit. Yeah, that's the guy. Yeah, you know the guy. That's the guy. Yeah, he's a good guy, he's a good guy. How was that? Did you see them in the wild or in a kind of enclosed reserve?

It's not enclosed. It's a reserve bit of jungle. Yeah, so it's completely open. They just build like viewing platforms and every day the keepers put out loads of fruit and the orangutans come. So as far as orangutans know, it's just like, yeah, there's this part of the jungle where long hairless versions of us just dump papaya onto the ground and look away. And look away. Or like, there are these special trees with no leaves and they're flat at the top. And these disgusting hairless freaks live on top of them. But whatever they do up there,

it doesn't affect this amazing tree, which kind of pops out fruit in a way that we don't really comprehend. Yes, and nowhere else in the jungle does this. It must come from a tree. And the tree is a big flat platform tree. And everyone watches us do this through a sort of black break in their hands. I think they can't see anything

unless they lift up this black break. They're sort of offering us it maybe, but we're very busy with all these bananas. We're not interested. And then there were the macaques, the macaques, which turns out the rats of the jungle, horrible the macaques. After the Orion times were done, the Macaques just descended like a horde. It was horrible. It was like you're playing warhammer or something and all the little Skaven rats came. Oh, they're disgusting. I didn't know I could think of a monkey as a rat, but I now hate Macaques more than any animal. They're disgusting.

They're just violent. They're like screaming and they're so primal and uncouth. The fury with which they were eating. It is the fury of nature. It's upsetting to see the fury of nature in an animal that looks a bit like us. Right? It's very upsetting. That's why we like orangutans. That's why we like-

They seem thoughtful. I think it's just orangutans. They're the only peace ones. All the apes are pretty horrible. I guess gorillas are usually quite placid until they're not until they're not. Yeah. They sort of, they sort of walk around and seem as though. Have you, have you engaged in this in the current discourse online about gorillas? Oh, Who would win in a fight between one gorilla and a hundred men?

I, I, I thought it was strange because they were like, oh, you know, obviously gorilla would kill all a hundred men. And I sort of thought, thought, I did think, you know, we did used to poach gorillas. Like this argument's been answered, but isn't, isn't the situation that the men are unarmed, I guess, but like, are they're unarmed to the point where they can't just like dig quite a simple trap for the gorilla to just fall into? I mean, I think, I think, I think it's a purely like fist fight situation. It's happening now. There's no time to set traps. I think, as long as even 10 men played rope a dope, the gorilla would die of a heart fucking heart attack. Cause most animals don't have long, long term stamina. Like that.

Ah, yes. That's what humans have of animals. We can just keep walking. Till quite late on people used to hunt deer by just following them, like the terminator and the deer would be like, well, like I've, I've seen an antelope sprint away from a lion that was sprinting after it. And then the antelope stops like 10 meters from the lion and the lion stops. And they just say both, that's it. Wow. Because they both knackered. So they can't keep doing it. And you just think, Hey lion, do it again. You could just fucking have him do it once more. And it's like, Oh, I just can't. The

bodies aren't designed for it. So if you just walk after a single antelope, like the Terminator just appearing on the horizon, if it's just heart will burst, it'll just fall down. Then you can eat it. Right, okay. I reckon. So you think if the men sort of spread out. Encircle the ape.

Encircle the ape. Torn to the ape. And the ape will eventually just tire itself out. Yeah. And then the biggest guy just choke holds until the... It'll tire itself out and then yeah, you just do horrible things like go for its eyes and things, you know.

Do horrible things. And then you'd have to do horrible things. You'd have to do horrible things to it. Go for the eyes, seduce it, whatever it takes. Break its heart. Break its heart. Show it a beautiful colour. The ape died of a broken heart.

And of course having its eyes ripped out. Yeah, do chimp stuff. Like with the chimps, just the first thing a chimp does is like blind you and rip off your dick and balls and throw it into the jungle. How does it know to do that? How do they know to do that? How do they know that works? It's like in their DNA that it's a good idea.

Like if a rival chimp gets caught by like other chimps, this is like the Joe Rogan podcast now, but still. They'll just like blind it, rip off its dick and balls, then rip off its arms. It's such a thorough way of killing something. Really is. They're just horrible. A good way. That's why they're so horrifying. Macaques and chimps, I think, are horrifying.

Whereas like, as you say, orangutans and gorillas walk around as if they're thinking about getting a new insurance provider. Yeah. They look like they're pondering something. They're thoughtful. They're going, hmm, yeah, I guess it's no claims. Like they're very, even when they're sitting looking at like a watermelon that's been put in their enclosure for enrichment. Yes. They're just sort of going, is there a downside? Is there a cat? Should I get to compare the meerkat? Are there better slices of watermelon out there? They don't put them all on the same site. They say they compare,

but you have to, the companies have to pay to be compared to something. Isn't that interesting as well about enclosures where they do have to do enrichment or the animals go mad from boredom? Enrichment. Yeah. So they enrichment objects and tasks and things. They'll have a big thing of apes, orangutans, chimps, whatever.

And instead of putting the fruit in the same place every time, they have to like hide it inside the like, inside the hollow log of a tree. Because then like when you release the apes from where they were sleeping, it's like a fucking Easter egg hunt every day. Oh, interesting. And they keep that foraging, they keep that randomness. They don't get all sullen and start smoking in front of the tourists. Yeah, with the fedora on spinning a glass of whiskeys. What's the point? The papaya's

on the same platform every day. That's it. Yeah. The people come, they stare. Well, they set up all these ropes and things and like kind of jungle Jimmy thing. I don't know if they changed where they put the fruits, but one lay the fruits out. It is, it is, it is awesome to watch orangutans just start swinging in from the distance, like a commute, all these ropes that lead to the feeding platforms. You start to see the ropes bounce up and down.

You look and then there's just this orange thing with his arms just swinging side to side, grabbing the ropes. Oh man, so strong. And they've got like, and the babies are holding onto their bellies just on their own. And with a like 20 foot drop underneath. And the baby's just like. You know when you, a really young baby that's like under nine months, if you put, that's why if you put your finger in its hand, it's yeah, that's it's still got we

still have the ape hair gripping. Yeah, yeah. You go, God, these fucking babies grip is strong. It's like, yeah, for that reason, it's supposed to be not plummeting. It's so mad. Also, what's interesting to me is that the orangutans are so peaceful, but the macaques still are like, well, obviously, we'll have to wait till they're gone. Because gone because they're so strong. They'll just be kind of like a slow professor, kind of slowly eating a grape. And then if a macaque was like, ah, and tried to steal the grapes, it would just very slowly just reach over and burst the macaques whole body. Like a fucking water balloon, just dead. And then just very slowly go back to eating bananas. Yeah. The violence is very considered.

Yeah. Like a sniper. Cause you can tell they're strong. Those guys, those are those, those forest guys, you can tell they're real strong. Imagine the upper body strength necessary to be that massive and hairy in that heat and to just pull yourself. They got that rock climber strength. There's like rock climbers. They don't look hench, but you can bet they're so strong. Yeah. I don't know how the muscle fibers are just denser than everyone else.

It's from, it's from just doing things every day. Yeah. They did a bone. You can, you can see how dense someone's bones are when they're a skeleton, right? You can, when they're a skeleton, when they're a skeleton, you can learn about their bones. And they, uh, they looked at a skeleton of a, it was like a sort of a skeleton, a skeleton in Poland from like 400 years ago, 500 years ago. And it was like a kind of middle-aged woman, but her forearm bone density was the same as like a male boxer now. Whoa.

Because all you're doing is clawing turnips out of the frozen earth and like kneading dough for bread and like just like desperately trying to like wring out clothes with your hands. Just the constant grinding hand grip twist manual labor means that like the average person back then had Popeye fucking forearms you know like the level of grip strength must have been insane everyone's doing like hand work all the time horrible you can only have bread because someone's sat and fucking hammered some seeds into powder you just think it's exhausting it's so good though we're not that anymore god damn it I'm happy about that. I'm so happy about that. I'm so happy.

I'm not a Polish peasant from the 14 man. What's like when I, when I went to watch that with Alex Keely friend of the pod, when me and him went to watch that film with Mads Mikkelsen, the Danish one. Oh yeah. That was just one with a lot of Tundra. Bustard that came up. And then the, the, the title in English was just, it wasn't even the bastard or something. It was like Hill time or, you know, Bustardette came up and then the title in English was just, it wasn't even The Bastard or something. It was like Hill Time or you know, anyway. Yeah, they're just watching him,

watching Mads Mikkelsen desperately try and grow potatoes. Yeah. I was just there going, God, oh, and there's like no heating in the house. The house is just made of wood. Like the thing that separates you from snow is the plank of wood you made. Oh, oh. Only reason you're not covered in snow is that you made wood.

What's part of that is if you freeze to death, no one to blame it yourself. They just go, well, I guess his wood planks weren't good enough. Yeah. That's on me. Wood planks weren't thick enough. Yeah. Warm enough. What a little bitch. He didn't dig tar from a marsh and carry it and gloop it on the roof. So it was waterproof on potatoes. Yeah. I heard recently, I listened to a, a little series about the history of trade and potatoes are such a big thing when they discovered cause they're really high sort of calorie count for pretty small amount of land required. Yes. So they were very popular. That's why they got so popular around the world

when they're taken from Americas. And they have vitamin C in them. And when Captain Cook was sailing around New Zealand, that's Cook, wasn't it? First, the Maori's were, they love the potatoes. They're like, let's give us some and trade us as many as potatoes. Even local, like whatever equivalent, they loved the potatoes. They're like, let's give us some trade us as many of these potatoes. Yeah, even like local, like whatever equivalent

sweet potato or whatever, it's nowhere near as calorific as potato. That's why everyone's always like, sweet potato fries are the healthy option. Me-he. And you go- But they're just lower calories. They're just lower calories.

But they're sweeter, I don't understand. Yeah. That makes sense. But the other thing the Maori's loved were nails, metal nails. Yeah. And they were obsessed with these nails. And they're like, well, these are they were obsessed with these nails. And they're

like, well, these are incredibly, incredibly useful. So that's the thing they wanted most from the white people. And there's a story that James Cook started in North Island, New Zealand, met some of the native inhabitants. They're like, Oh, these nails are great. Yeah, we'll have some of these. And then he, James Cook, the cook sailed the rest of the island to the figure of eight down the South Island and stopped again at the top of the South Island and got on shore and met the natives. And the first thing the native said were like, do you have any of these nails that we've heard about? So the news of nails got to the South Island before, before Cook did. It just was just rumors. Just the rumors

of these nails, these amazing little metal spikes that hold everything together. Yeah. Pretty neat. Huh? That's mad. Yeah. And then they'd never seen a nail before. They didn't even really know what it was. They just heard there were these metal spikes holding things together and that these guys had them. But it's like when you, that kind of thing is so mad. Like when you realize that like the Aztec civilization or like the Mayans, they had like advanced mathematics enough to calculate that there would be an eclipse a hundred years from now where we are now exactly perfectly

and like where on earth you could see it from and like all these incredible like astrophysics level calculations. They didn't have like wheels. You just think What's what's happening here? How did they not invent the wheel when they're throwing heads down steps all the time? Couldn't they see how well those heads were rolling down steps? How can you be this obsessed with the sun and not try and imitate it? Maybe it's just because if you have enough like conquered slave warriors from other civilizations nearby, you just think they'll drag it all.

And llamas, right? And llamas, yeah, stick on a llama, who cares? And was it, it's not a hilly, I guess. Is it hilly? The Incas was hilly, Mayans and Aztecs is quite flat. Maybe it's like also, cause, no, but they had roads. I was going to say like through to jungly, like wheels on them, but they had roads.

You just think, lads, come on. They had like cool shit like floating farms and floating farms. Oh, like vertical farms. Well floating on the surface of a big lake. Oh, create your platforms. Farms live on. Well, like, you know, they had a weird version of fairness. The nails thing is mad though. Yeah. The people must. Yeah. But then didn't they have metal? though. Yeah. So people must, yeah. But then didn't they have metal? Well, presumably not. Didn't they? That's mad as well. Cause there's really metal there. Cause I guess the migration would have, there was migration before the bronze age, right? So the metal, metallurgy, they'd left the big lump of land before metallurgy.

Oh man. And it's all wood. That's why there's no like, in Malaysia, as well as Malaysia and Singapore, you know, all these principalities, there's no buildings left, because everything was wood and it had been just rocks. You just gone, well, that's where there's no amazing,

there's almost no amazing Viking buildings left. Norse, again, wood. Just the jewels. Just the brilliant shining jewels. Speaking of jewels and civilization, new pope. New pope, America pope. America pope. The first pope who's had a hamburger that we know of.

Also the first, what, English first language pope since like the English pope? When was the English pope? Stephen the first. English first language Pope since like the English Pope when was the English Pope Stephen the first Oh Stephen Pope Stephen Pope Steve Pope Barry Pope Alan Pope Pope Steve is Pope Stanley yeah Pope so he would he is no no his name Stephen, but he was Pope Adrian maybe. Ah, okay. Isn't it Pope Adrian? The first or second? There's only been one English Pope, that I know. There we go. And he was what?

When was he? He was... When he was Pope. I'm gonna guess that it was... Do you need a clue? Yes. It's a long time ago. I guess that it was. Yes. A long time ago. Thanks for that. That's a good clue.

But a long time ago, like first, first millennium. Yeah. I, I'm going to say 11 forties. 11 eighties. 1180s. It's probably supercal, 1154. Very good, very good going. Yeah, not very long. So is Pope Leo, very cute name, very nice, sexy name.

Is he the first English speaking pope since the 1140s, 1150s? First as a first language. Yeah. I should imagine so. Yeah. How about that? It's gotta be. Yeah.

Will there be like... I was, I along with all of Asia, very disappointed it wasn't Dagley, the Filipino Pope. There would have been Carioca in the Vatican every night. I would have been so nice. karaoke in the Vatican every night. That would have been so nice. The first Pinoy.

What's that? Isn't it Pinoy? What's that? Tagalog? No, what's Pinoy? Maybe Pinoy is a language. Am I crazy? I need to search Pinoy. Oh, it just sort of refers to Filipinos and the Filipino culture.

Yeah. Ah, okay. Oh, it says... Oh, there you go. Tagalog is the national language. Pinoy is informal self-reference. Yeah, okay. There you go. Tagalog is the national language. Pinoy is informal self-reference. Yeah.

Okay. There you go. You know, don't mind me guys just talking about Filipinos the way they do. Yeah. But that would have been mad though. It would have been amazing. And it would have been such a big deal for the Philippines and they so deserve it. The Filipinos.

No one works harder than them. No one's more Catholic than them. Apart from that one bit where ISIS were in charge for a bit. There's like one island where it was like ISIS island for like a month. Now there's a reality TV show on a watch. You've been voted off ISIS island for being insufficiently fanatical, I guess. Yes. Right? Or two? Yeah. How would that work? Just contest to see who's the

most like eighth century. Yeah. Who's the most crazy. Can I pull you for a chat? Yeah. They're just asking about, I don't know what they would ask about. What? Just about the various like incredibly complex theological debates from the eighth or ninth centuries. Just about the various like incredibly complex theological debates from the eighth or ninth centuries. You had a position on schism. Yeah. Well, it just, they'd be saying like, well, what, which, which hadiths do you think are misattributed?

And then we go, oh God, oh no, like such a difficult question to answer. And the stakes couldn't be higher. Do you think it'll be a knock on? Like, I always wonder if like, oh, if, if, if Pope from certain country, then that country more Catholic question mark. Does that mean that like more Americans will be like, well, now that there is an American Pope, it's time to go back to church. So kind of like how interest in the NFL picked up when Taylor Swift started going to the games and married more Yes. Gated

the player. Yes, that's right. It's the same thing in heaven. Dated that big lumpy man. Now that he doesn't reckon pope, you can check it out. They're going to check out Catholicism because religions meant to be making a comeback. Yeah, it is. It is. We're over the... It's been a long time since anyone's been hitch-slapped. Man, I love the hitch-slaps. They're such good videos. It's consisted of Christopher Hitchens being rude to a priest or a rabbi or an imam, just going, really? You really think that? That's mad. That would be like the whole video. There's like a very sort of heavily bearded, quite quiet man saying, well, yes, I do. And him going, well, it's that's a mental thing to think that's silly.

And then going, well, I think it's not silly. But it is. And it'd be that like you'd look at the YouTube runtime, it'd be like our 20 Oxford Union debate. You think I don't need to see. I don't need to see all of this. I don't need to eat this whole pie to know how it tastes. Oh man.

Yeah, the golden age of atheism is really gone. It was so fun though when it lasted. God, I felt so clever. It made me feel so clever. It's mad that it's sort of a huge wave of atheism happened without really making, as far as I could tell, that much of an impact outside of Western Europe. Like America's as religious as it was. Like music concert that's about atheism, or has atheism as a big theme. Was amazing. It's like a relief for us.

I live in Idaho, or I live in Texas, or I live in Mississippi. And like an atheist wouldn't be elected here. Like they still haven't been an atheist leader. The smart thing with Catholic church to do would be to elect a pope from a basic secular country. I mean, if there was an English pope now, that would be, you know. That would be interesting.

Yeah, see if that picked up in numbers in the UK. Do you think, yeah, what if King Charles, like the whole thing with the monarchy is that a Catholic cannot be the king. It's illegal. What if King Charles converted? What if he tried to reunite as the governor of the Church of England,

he tried to undo Henry the Eighths? Now I'm interested. Whoa, the drama. Now that's fun. There's not that many Catholic monarchies left. You and I have been to one together. The Lesotho? Yeah.

Oh, I forgot about that. Lesotho is a Catholic monarchy. Spain. Italy? No. Republic? Republic. San Marino?

Any of the Scandis? No. No. None of them are Catholic. South America? No. There's no South America's. Is it? Yeah.

Spain, Monaco. Oh, Luxembourg. Luxembourg. Yeah, Luxembourg. Is there a Belgian royal family? Yes. Maybe, but I don't think they're Catholic anymore. Philippe, can you Google Belgium, Belgian royal family Catholic?

That's a bit where it's not like Joe Rogan. Filiber, pull up with a Belgians Catholic monarchy. Luxembourg, definitely. Yeah. But then they'll have this like conference of Catholic kings, which in the 1600s would have been like the most powerful force on earth. And now it's like Spain, Lesotho and Luxembourg. And you go, oh, and then like some like loose Habsburgs. Kind of still there. Still kind of calling themselves the archduke of whatever for no reason. And you go, oh, oh, oh. God, the world has changed, huh? You don't really appreciate it a lot of time. But Catholicism

used to matter. But people are really into this Pope, this Popecy because of the movie Conclave. Yeah. And they stopped a guy from being Pope. The Pope left a note, just like in the film. What? A guy who presided over the mysterious loss of millions and millions of dollars

in a London property investment. Oh. The Pope left a note saying, yeah, don't even let him in the fucking Conclave. Wow. And they kicked him out. Whoa. God damn. It happened. Why isn't that drama front page news? We want to hear it. That's it too boring. Because the second you try and look into it, you have to learn about the Vatican bank. Makes people bored. If you're listening and you

want to learn something about the Vatican bank, that's not boring. Look up Blackfriars bridge. If you're listening and you want to learn something about the Vatican Bank, that's not boring. Look up Blackfriars Bridge Hanging Someone was lynched from Blackfriars Bridge. A body was found hanging under a breakfast bridge in London in the 80s of a Vatican banker Wow So that's it. So a Vatican Bank is a bank that only What the Pope can use it's like the National Bank of the Vatican, right? I suppose could we get an account on the Vatican Bank? No, they're like one of those mad sort of investment national fund banks, I guess.

This guy presided over investing in this huge block of apartments in central London that was like hundreds of millions. And a lot of, some money went missing. There was some accounting errors. Who knows? But it doesn't look very good. That's the kind of thing it does as a bank. It doesn't. It doesn't do ISIS.

Doesn't do ISIS. Belgium is Catholic. Okay. We solved it. The mighty union of Spain, Luxembourgbourg Belgium and Lesotho and Monaco Gosh, there's not many at all. No, what time are we at? Some color bond on well before we move on to correspondence, I should say thank you so much to George I want to all yes and George for acres who the other day for me

Australia's Phil. Yes. As it were. For covering me doing the Australia episodes. Thanks so much, George. And what a wonderful job he did. I learnt a lot. I think the Patreon where me and George discuss how Paddington Bears become a modern psychopomp is some of the, it's so funny. I really recommend patrons if you've somehow missed it or due to the error, go, go. Yeah. Just talking about how a psycho pump is, um, a figure that leads you to the underworld. Okay. So the shade of Virgil with Dante,

he's a psycho pump in that story cause Virgil takes Dante through hell. It was a sort of ghost. Oh, right. Right. Right. Valkyrie is a psycho pump. Ah, cause you die in a battlefield and a Valkyrie arrives and flies you to Valhalla. Wow. Okay. It's a sort of ghost. Oh, right. Right. Right. Valkyrie is a psycho pump. Uh, because you die in a battlefield and a Valkyrie arrives and flies you to Valhalla. Wow. Okay. So Paddington bears a psycho pump now because he like leads the queen to heaven and stuff. Like I've never heard of this word, a psycho pump. It's such a good word. Psycho pump. Yeah. So as you're dying, Paddington appears. Yeah. Right. Would you like a sandwich? No, it's not my time! And he leads you to hell or heaven or... AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Ghost door. Is Paddington come to take us to heaven? Well, don't show me what's under your hat. AAAAAAAAHHHHH! Bless this mess. I like two things, pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Cat attack!

This is from Carol- Carol Anne. Carol- Carol Anne. In one word. Carol and an am. Smushed together. Carol Anne. Carol Anne. Carol Anne. That's you've got to be from the southern US. Carol Anne. Holy shit, man. You've seen the name before. Hello, boys. I've been holding out on Hello, boys. Carol Anne here. I've been

holding out on sending tap till I found something truly wonderful. And then it happened. God bless Facebook marketplace. Uh, yes, that feels like Facebook marketplace is sort of a ground zero. For tat. I guess it's that age bracket that still uses Facebook. Yeah. It's all, there's a big crossover with classic tat.

They're trying to sell each other their tat as well. It's like a big souq filled with middle-aged people going, ah! My friend, my friend! My friend, a good deal for you. Live, love, love, my friend. You drink coffee, yes? But you don't want people to speak to you before you... So, let's see if you can whisper this.

It's four tins. Tins? So these are those tins that people have in their house where it's like there's a tin for coffee and a tin for tea and a tin for sugar. Okay, yeah, it's like ceramic or metal tin. Metal tin, yeah. But they're labeled, right?

So I'm gonna tell you what they should be labeled. Okay. They should be hot chocolate, tea, sugar, coffee. Oh, but they've got cutesy names? I wouldn't say cutesy, I would say bafflingly obscene. Oh, okay, so hot chocolate's poo powder. I would respect it more if instead of hot chocolate, it was just called powdered shit. Just like, yeah, brown like poo. I imagine I'm mad. I am.

So what they've gone for is worse than that. More obscene. It's vaguely sexual and it's vaguely a pun. Okay. It does, like the reason I- Hard cock-a-lat. I mean, you've got cock-a-lat immediately. Hot cock-a-lat? Hot cock-a-lat, yeah.

Why? Why? Why is it hot cock-a-lat? Why? Hot cock-a-lat. Why hot cock Why hot? Cockle it. It is.

Is the tin fat like, has it got like a head? Has it got like a phallus? Like a bellend? Like Bellin? Yeah. It's just a tin that says hot. Cockle it. Okay.

But there's an apostrophe after cocks. It's like coco late. Like it's like a, it's bizarre, but it's unclear if it's like, right. So am I drinking powdered cock or is this sort of like chocolate cum? What do you mean? Horrible. Horrible.

Do you want some hot cock-a-lat? Ha ha, that's funny. What do you mean? What do you mean? What am I partaking in here in terms of roleplay? Oh, I'd love some powdered. What is it? And why does it still taste like chocolate?

So yeah, it's a hot cockle. Yeah, and then tea. Yeah, this is this one is baffling They're very difficult when they're baffling tea Is it a pun is a play on this word tea the word the reason I know what these tins should say is that the original? What it should be is kind of like in slightly bigger letters. So T is still on the page. Oh, like in the watermark? No, like just in the font. OK, OK. So T is still there.

Right. But they've added letters to make it rude for no reason. TTS. That would be better. Or it's just like teats. Teats. Yeah. It's neither of those. No. I'll give you a clue. They've put the letters in front of the word T. Okay. Which is even odder. Cock tease. Cock tease. Better. Better than what they've done. You've got the right idea though.

Okay. Prick tease. got teas, tea teas. Um, um, come, come, come on my tea teas. Teas. It's, it's can't tea. Can't tea. Can't tea. Okay. Can't tea. Is that's can't tea. Yeah. Is this can't tea? Hot cockle at cunt tea. But then he has cunt. It's like it's cunt tea to drink tea or are these some dried shreds of vaginas? Like dry shavings of vaginas. It's the tea of a vagina. Yeah, right.

Like that is some real like cannibal Chinese medicine stuff. I wouldn't put a bar past Chinese to have some tea. And it would be that weird thing sometimes that you get with non with, with traditional medicine where it's like, Oh, like a powdered, a powdered, like animal dick isn't always for dick problems. Oh yeah. Where it's like, you go, right. You go, Oh, you can get like a powdered tiger dick and you go, right for dick problems. And they go, no, for your lungs. You go, oh, and they go, what's for my dick? And they go rhino horn and you go, oh, not just a dick though. And they go, no, that's too simple. That's too, it's not

metaphorical enough. Yeah. And like vagina teas. Oh, it's good for your concentration. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really good for bringing down a fever. You go right. And you kind of, and then it makes you think, well, maybe there is a science to this, I guess, because if it was just pure folklore, then the body part would... It would just be a direct line. Yeah, exactly. You go, I've boiled a knee for your knees. It would be too obvious.

Yeah, but foreskin improves your mood. Then I guess they have done some tests on this? Yeah, I guess if these boiled seahorse nipples... Helps gout. They're just for my gout, yeah. Well, they just, they, they, they stopped my neck from feeling sore. Okay. Okay. So yeah. Hot, hot, coccolat, cunt, cunty. So the next one is supposed to be sugar. So it's quite easy.

Sugar. Yeah. Um, It says sugar on it. Okay. Sugar, sugar, shit, sugar, sugar shit, sugar shit, sugar tits. Sugar tits, you got it. Sugar tits, okay. You got it, sugar tits. And then the final one is supposed to be coffee and it does say coffee on it and this one

is like a kind of garbled sentence they've added. It doesn't even really make sense. It doesn't follow a pattern at all. Coffee makes you fuck harder, faster, stronger. That's kind of a garble sentence. Coffee wakes you up in the morning for a full day of jerking your little dick. Again, I would respect that more than this. They've put it before the word coffee. And it kind of- Don't fuck me in the ass before I've had my coffee. Okay. So I'm going to like, I don't think you'll

ever get this. It says some, it says something mad before coffee. I'm okay. I'm, I, I'm going to suck myself off. I'm gonna suck myself off and come in my nose if you don't give me that coffee right now. So it just says fuck coffee before coffee. Fuck offy before coffee. Yeah. Oh yeah, so there's the same sentiment as don't talk to me until I've had my coffee.

Yeah. For they've made fuck coffee rhyme with coffee is have to go, see it rhymes. And you go, what do you mean see it rhymes? None of the others have rhymed. Nothing else has rhymed. It doesn't, it doesn't make anything more cause it rhymes. That wasn't the one that wasn't the rule for the others. It's such like murky dream logic tat. They just go, yeah, but that now it's good cause it rhymes. And you go, but what do you mean? And they go rhymes. It sounds same rhymes. Sounds same. You go right. To what end though? And they go,

sounds same rhymes. They don't understand what your objection would be. The people who made this. So in other words, if I, you could come to your house, if you bought this film, I could come here and be offered hot, cockle at County sugar tits or for coffee before coffee. And if you said that to me, I'll take you to hospital. We just assumed you'd have a bleed on the brain. Anything in your coffee before coffee, sugar tits or milk come. It's quite, it's quite cold. We've got some hot cockless. Why have you? What? It would, it would seem like, um, if you have a stroke or they are some sort of conditions of your brain

that make you like compulsively obscene. So I would genuinely worry if someone started talking like that. I'd be like, did you hit your head this morning? These are Turettens. I thought the name of the brand should be Turettens. Turettens. Yes, Turettens.

Turettens. Turettens. Would you like your ass to be covered in obscenities that don't make sense and make you seem a bit off as a person? Try Tretons. Hot cocklead, what do you mean? Well, thanks Carol Anne.

Oh, we've got a good one from social media trash two. Oh, don't do yourself down social media trash two. Not even one. Not even the top social media trash. So have you seen, I know what this tat references. There was a long convention of, I think it was the UN, of like, we're burying nuclear waste, right? How do we bury nuclear waste in such a way? Cause it will still be super, super dangerous and give you like instant cancer in 10,000 years.

Some of it. How do we bury it in such a way that even in 10,000 years, where maybe everyone is like Mad Max Stone Age, that they don't open this tin. What do we put on it? Okay. Ah, what is this a symbol for the ages? That's exactly it. Yes. Well, how do we make it in such a way that it doesn't look intriguing? Oh, people were like, Oh, make it in a big dark, foreboding temple. And you go, that's the first place I would dig for treasure.

Have you seen Indiana Jones? Yeah. Yeah. It's like chief Wiggum saying to Bart and Ralph, what is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery? It's filled with all this police gear. Like you can't do that. So they had all these ideas and, um, it goes viral as one of those things that

like spam accounts that grift for engagement on Twitter, post it as a threat saying, did you know? Like amazing things. All the proposed ways to put people off. Yeah. Okay. All the different pictures of skulls. This tat is like, in know, like in this house,

we believe in laughter. In this house, we believe in laughter. So what was the image that the nuclear people... Sort of skulls and lightning bolts, I think, really. That'll do it. Yeah. A skull is pretty classic. It's classic, a skull. So the captions that were suggested. What if people just think, oh, there's some awesome heavy metal music in this, in this concrete vault. This is where they put their most highly esteemed Goths. Stone Cold Steve Austin is right through this concrete wall.

We think we finally found Pharaoh Austin's tomb. Everyone's been searching it for a very, very long time. So there were captions like, this is not a place of honor, was one of the captions. These are the things that they suggested for the nuclear war. Oh, okay. Wow. Nothing valued is here. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here.

Gosh. What is here is dangerous and repulsive. But this is all English. Well, it was going to be in every possible language, just to like spread back on what language survives for 10,000 years. Because obviously 10,000 years ago, it's like cuneiform Assyrian that none of us can read. It's almost pointless to put it in a language. That's why these proposals weren't adopted.

Why don't they just write, if you come in here, you'll get cancer. But then how do we, they might not know what cancer is. Wow. Wow. Even in different languages, like cancer in like, even in Dutch, it's just like a swear word. They do know what it is, but you can say like, conquer, conquer to someone. It's like conquer, fucking boost, like cancer, fucking cunt. Really? It's a swear. Wishing cancer on people.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. But it comes from when a conquer was just like a kind of a visible tumor from it's like wishing a pox on you Yes, right, right, right Cancersaurus. Okay. It's one of the weird Dutch American English things that have happened cancersaurus So these off-putting sentences they were once again, they they're like, this is not a place of honor This is it's all dangerous and gross here. This place is best left shunned and uninhabited Wow, but none of them are adopted I don't think okay. They just went, you know what? Skulls and lightning bolts. Okay. So this is what this

hat is referring to. Yes. So I don't know if social media trash knows this, but that's what it is. So it's like an, in this house, we believe this is not a place of honor and nothing valued is here. Oh, so it's like a ha ha. Remember that long thread that went viral about post 10,000 years nuclear waste. I've seen it like 10 times over the last 10 years. I've not seen that. So that's just that isn't a garbled nonsense to me. Yeah.

Very strange. Yeah. Well, thank you for sending in the garbled nonsense anyway. It's quite a nice poster if you're in the know. Again like a lot of tat if you're not in the know. So frightening. What if people thousands of years from now discover TAT again with no cultural context, with no linguistic link?

Something that frightens me is that they'll sometimes analyze like Neanderthal cave remains and they'll be able to show from the intermittency of the fires that they like forgot how to make fire for like periods of thousands of years. Oh, you just think, Oh, just imagine the morning we just go, Ooh, let the fire go out. We didn't remember how to do that. The guy who started that fire was my great grandfather. No one knows how he did it. It was just from a lightning strike. You fucking pretty, but you feel so bad. He's like, sorry for dooming us to darkness and coldness for a thousand years guys. I fell asleep. Okay.

Well, they're going to find a lot of this must be the place in the future. Cause you know, that's the new tant phrase that it was a few years ago, a cool reference to talking heads. It's all of the place in neon, but now this must be the places everywhere. So future, um, archaeologists are going to go, Oh, we found it. We found the place in neon. But now this must be the places everywhere. So future archaeologists are going to go, Oh, we found it. We found the place. This must have been the most, this was been a temple or the most significant location in the professor.

Bad news. We found, we found another, the place found another, the place. Um, for some reason, the biggest places were always underground with like alcohol behind a sacred bar. A sacred wall. And featured either a sport or a performance called Skiffle Ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skiffle Ball and it being the place seemed very closely linked.

And some angel wings, some neon angel wings surrounded by plastic leaves. Maybe the high priestess would go there. Now we're going to go to the long forgotten obsidian temple of the bonus. Oh, no, see if I can still do this after weeks away from the prod, the pod. Thank you very much for listening, guys. We will see you next week. Yes, see you soon, folks. Much love to you.

And thank you again, George. Bye.